1 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,640 Welcome to Honeymoon Chat to the podcast all about a 2 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,080 communication in a relationship. My name is Blair. 3 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:19,760 This is my wife, Amy. Hello. 4 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,960 And we believe that when communication dies, bad things 5 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:24,360 happen. Yes, we do. 6 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,240 If you've been following along, you will have seen that we're 7 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:29,320 doing a series on mental load and we've done a couple episodes 8 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,760 that have kind of touched on different parts of the mental 9 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,360 load topic. And this week we're talking on 10 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:36,520 something that's not specifically to mental load, but 11 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:38,360 really just conversations across the board. 12 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,240 We're going to be exploring what happens when you have received 13 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:46,240 feedback, criticism, comments, engagement from your partner 14 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:50,440 that feels sarcastic, critical, negative, blunt, whatever it 15 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,160 might be, difficult conversations, not given in a 16 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,520 nice way. So we wanted to explore as the 17 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:59,080 receiver of those conversations, how you can navigate this to 18 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,600 keep moving the relationship forward and keep making it 19 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,120 constructive in terms of building and strengthening your 20 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,400 relationship because these things can really, really impact 21 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,440 how we continue to explore what's going on for each other. 22 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,160 So this episode, we're going to be exploring a little bit about 23 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:17,560 how the receiver of these kinds of conversations can navigate it 24 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:19,640 in a constructive way. We're going to look at why we 25 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,520 might be missing each other, why we might be so triggered by 26 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,000 these kinds of comments. We're also going to look at real 27 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:29,040 examples of bad delivery and how that might be playing out, tools 28 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,880 to help you understand what might be going on in that 29 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,360 moment, and a number of other things. 30 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,000 It's not just for the person that receives these kind of 31 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,480 comments. It's actually probably helpful 32 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,600 for people that struggle with expressing what they want to 33 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,360 express clearly too. So stick around. 34 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:42,680 We're going to dive into this a little bit more. 35 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,720 Minds are quite full today, so we're gonna break it up. 36 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,520 We're gonna do Would you rather question. 37 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,440 It's gonna help us and just it's gonna be fun for you. 38 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,000 So I've got a question for you. Would you would you rather 39 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,960 accidentally sending your partner a screenshot of their 40 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,840 worst output ever with the caption look what they thought 41 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:06,720 was OK or or accidentally reply? Haha Yep to their long heartfelt 42 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,680 message about their feelings. I would rather accidentally 43 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:10,639 reply. Haha Yep. 44 00:02:10,759 --> 00:02:11,440 Oh really? Yeah. 45 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:12,840 Easily. No way. 46 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,640 Accidentally because then I'll be oh sorry, so sorry I said 47 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,280 that to the wrong person. Oh, OK. 48 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:18,880 What would you you would rather I? 49 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,400 Think I would rather do the other one you. 50 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,160 Could send a screenshot of me and say look what? 51 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:25,880 I would rather send a screenshot. 52 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,200 I would be so much more offended if you did that than if you said 53 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,240 haha Yep yeah, I'm used to your thumb maybe. 54 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,920 Maybe if I remove the accidentally, but they're both 55 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,440 accidentally. But one is an actual thing 56 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,000 you're. Saying that's true. 57 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,200 And I, I don't know if I should say this. 58 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,840 I've become such a boomer with the thumbs up button on 59 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,640 Messenger. Yeah, I do it all the time 60 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:47,760 accidentally now. And I used to get so frustrated 61 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,200 at my parents because they would accidentally send the thumbs up 62 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,200 to things. Yeah. 63 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,560 And I do it all the time. And I don't even notice until I 64 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,080 come back. And I'm like, so passive you 65 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:57,720 don't really care because you would just do it all. 66 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,680 The time rumour on social media anyway. 67 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,600 I just have no idea what I'm doing. 68 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,400 Anyway, because it looks really rude, in one of my chats, we 69 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:10,400 changed it to a less friendly icon and I accidentally had, I 70 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,000 was having a conversation with these people. 71 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,200 They were talking about how someone didn't get something 72 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,160 that they wanted, a position that they wanted. 73 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,880 I accidentally just sent it sort of yeah, yeah, I accidentally 74 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,200 just sent this icon, not noticing, didn't respond. 75 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:27,120 Like 20 minutes later I came back and I was like, oh Oh my 76 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,800 gosh, I did not. You could just send that in 77 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,160 response to you saying that you didn't get the thing you wanted. 78 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:33,880 Emojis. Emojis. 79 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:34,920 Fun. Yeah. 80 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,400 So I would much rather say ha ha ha. 81 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,520 I'm conflicted now. And then right back I'm gonna be 82 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,440 like, Oh my gosh, sorry. I meant to send that to my mom. 83 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,120 Anyway, so welcome. Welcome to Honey. 84 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,440 We need to chat. We're going to be talking about 85 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,960 this, and the reason we want to talk about this topic of 86 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,840 navigating conversations when you're not receiving it in a 87 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:57,960 great way is life isn't perfect. It's not perfectly sculptured. 88 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,520 And we talk on this podcast all the time about communication in 89 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,840 ideal ways. The stuff that we talk about is 90 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,280 like textbook looks ideal on paper, but we also recognise and 91 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,840 we try to bring this into the episodes that while it looks 92 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,440 ideal, we're all flawed humans that have emotions and reactions 93 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:17,120 and stresses and distractions and all these things that come 94 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,720 into when we communicate. And any of those things combined 95 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:24,040 can mean that how we say something will come across in a 96 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,320 way that we don't intend it to be. 97 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,800 And or we will, we will intend it to be that way, but we're 98 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,600 just not in a good headspace. And, and really, if we were in a 99 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,400 good headspace, we wouldn't choose to communicate it that 100 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,560 way. So this episode is to try and 101 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,000 help with that a little bit. I want to clarify before we dive 102 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:43,240 in that this is not excusing abusive behaviours at all. 103 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,600 This is not excusing a pattern of disrespect and abuse. 104 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,280 And if that is what you've experienced, then we really 105 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,160 recommend seeking professional help and from people that you 106 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,160 trust and love, because that's a totally different topic. 107 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,560 And today we're talking to people that are trying to 108 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,800 communicate well as a team, but they just keep missing the mark. 109 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,400 There's something that they just, they miss the mark and 110 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,320 then that that spirals them. So just to clarify that we are 111 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:10,160 not trying to downplay anyone's experience with actual abuse 112 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,920 and, and disrespectful treatment. 113 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:15,600 That's not OK and not excusable. And I also want to say we're 114 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,080 going to talk a lot about how you as the receiver of these 115 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,960 conversations can navigate it in a constructive way, but it's 116 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,480 also not your ownership of it. So your ownership is over your 117 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,800 reactions and how you interact with the people around you and, 118 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:32,320 and your actions in the world. But your ownership is not over 119 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,600 somebody else's actions to excuse their ownership of it. 120 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,120 It's not to try and make you carry that for them. 121 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,880 This is just because when you're in a relationship, our goal is 122 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,480 to work together as a team towards strengthening that 123 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:48,120 relationship. And some, and that is not 5050 124 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,560 or 100 percent, 100% all the time. 125 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,080 It's not equal and perfect, just like communication isn't. 126 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:57,040 So sometimes we need to have an extra level of grace for our 127 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:01,000 partners in order to keep the relationship moving forward so 128 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:02,760 that they can grow and so that we can grow. 129 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,480 And before we dive into this, I just want to say thank you so 130 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,320 much for joining us. This tells us a lot about you 131 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,720 joining us on this episode. It tells us that you are 132 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,960 intentional in your own growth and development and in your 133 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,600 relationship as well. And that's super encouraging 134 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:17,560 because that's what we want to do. 135 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,280 We want a journey with you as we grow. 136 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,280 We want to grow with you. So that's super exciting. 137 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:24,240 So thank you so much for joining us there. 138 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,480 If you do get something out of this episode, please like share, 139 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,720 subscribe. That goes a huge way for us that 140 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,200 if want to support us in any way, support us that way. 141 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,120 That'd be fantastic. Write a comment. 142 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:37,520 Any of those things would be absolutely appreciated. 143 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,160 So please get onto that. Just take two minutes now, won't 144 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,240 take long at all, but get onto that and help us out. 145 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:43,320 Thanks guys. Thank you. 146 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,840 So as I said, we we've been doing a series on mental load 147 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,960 and there's a few episodes there to reflect back to make sure 148 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,560 you've listened to in terms of helping you communicate about 149 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,720 mental load. This episode is about navigating 150 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,520 tough conversations regardless of the topic, whether it's 151 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,840 mental load or something else, but it's a helpful tool in terms 152 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,120 of helping you strengthen your relationship and push through 153 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,360 these things. So the reason we're talking 154 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:07,640 about this is these patterns can get us really stuck. 155 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,960 If you find yourself in a pattern where the way things are 156 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,640 communicated is not working or constructive, you can find 157 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:18,840 yourself really wedged into a stuck place in your relationship 158 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,760 because it and we, I'm kind of laughing because this happens 159 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,680 all the time and it's from me, but we are so focused on how 160 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,520 someone's saying something and how that then impacts us that it 161 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,360 becomes multi layered issues. It's not just just the thing 162 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,640 that has been raised. It then becomes about how they 163 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,040 said it then becomes about how you take things. 164 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,160 That then becomes about the patterns that happen in the 165 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:41,080 conversations or the avoidance of things because of you, how 166 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,640 you know how it pans out when you have these conversations. 167 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,120 And it just becomes this really layered issue. 168 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,000 And so that's why if you have a little circuit breaker in there 169 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,520 that helps you push past what the clumsiness might be at the 170 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,200 beginning, it might help you keep things moving. 171 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,400 And we had this conversation when we had Sam and Liv on the 172 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,280 on the podcast a few episodes back. 173 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,120 They were talking about how they've had to put a rule in 174 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,640 place that she will just let Sam get out what he's trying to get 175 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,640 out because he'll struggle to word it properly 1st. 176 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,080 And she has. She has accepted that she's 177 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,440 going to give him extra grace for those first little parts 178 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,240 where she where he's sharing until he can kind of get to the 179 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,680 point of what he's trying to share rather than holding that 180 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,360 against him. Yeah, and I could actually 181 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,920 really relate to that. So even with you and even with 182 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,360 my boss actually like I've I've there's that point where you you 183 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,160 identify that together, but there's a point where you don't 184 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,840 you can't expect the other person to just know that, if 185 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:33,840 that makes sense you. Know what? 186 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,600 You need that. Space to reflect. 187 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,159 And get to that point for you and my boss, you know, I'll like 188 00:08:39,159 --> 00:08:40,919 I'll start talking. I'm like, all right, look, I'm 189 00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:43,320 just trying to get this out. Like I, I know this is going to 190 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,960 be blunt and I was going to be. I'm just trying to process it 191 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,920 first so that we can get to what we need to discuss. 192 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,320 And that's really helped. So I take actual ownership of 193 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,800 that too. Like it's not always for you to 194 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,920 now be like, I need to give Blair this space. 195 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,440 It's like, I need to help you give me that space, if that 196 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:00,080 makes sense. Yeah. 197 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:01,520 So it's a two way thing there too. 198 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,280 Yeah. And it's not so that ongoing 199 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,760 you're able to just say whatever you want to say without thinking 200 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,000 about how it gets said. It's it's so that we can 201 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,360 continue to strengthen that muscle because you learn things 202 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,200 through exercise. Because that's the other thing 203 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,760 too, is I could, I could use that space and just unleash my 204 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,440 my processing in a very rude way. 205 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,440 And that's not constructive. It still needs to be 206 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,360 constructive. But yeah, again, just voicing it 207 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:27,600 in a constructive way is still better than trying to do it in 208 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,760 my head. Getting it out so that then you 209 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:33,360 can work through it helps the next time not be quite the same 210 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:34,680 way. And that's kind of the aim. 211 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,240 This is so that you can keep moving forward, not so you can 212 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,000 find a different loop to be stuck in, which is one person 213 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,960 just letting the other person say whatever they want and then 214 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,240 being like, Oh, I can't really bring it up because I'm letting 215 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,360 them say what they want. That's another loop. 216 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,040 That's the same issue in a different way. 217 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,920 This is to to get through that, to try and move to the next 218 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,600 part, to try and move to the next part. 219 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,800 And then that's how we strengthen his relation in a 220 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,960 relationship in every way. Like you just, you workshop 221 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,680 these things just back and forth, back and forth. 222 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:04,040 It's clumsy and it's awkward, but you do that so that you can 223 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,000 become stronger because nothing is strong just automatically off 224 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,360 the off the top and the people communicate differently. 225 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,920 So you might find you're in a relationship with someone who 226 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,680 really communicates similarly to you. 227 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,560 Great. So this might not be such an 228 00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,600 issue if you're on the same page. 229 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,560 If you're like us and we have very different ways of 230 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,960 communicating and very different values around communication and 231 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,120 words and that sort of thing, then it might be a bit more 232 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,760 clumsy initially and you might need this exercise or lean into 233 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,240 this exercise a little bit more than you would otherwise. 234 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,160 So just because you're finding yourselves in these 235 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,520 communication loops does not mean that love is gone and it 236 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,280 doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed or 237 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,680 anything like that. It is a really claustrophobic 238 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,760 feeling to feel like you cannot bring things up with your 239 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,720 partner or to feel like you can't move through a 240 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,560 conversation. It's not even, you can't 241 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,320 navigate the problem, you can't move through the conversation to 242 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,680 navigate the problem or to express what's going on with 243 00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,360 you. It's a really claustrophobic 244 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,560 feeling. And that's how we see healing 245 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,120 and that's how we see strengthening in relationships 246 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,280 is having those conversations. So if you've had this pattern 247 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,440 where you can't seem to like get past the conversation to get to 248 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,240 the point of it, it can feel like you're just floating on top 249 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,720 of this ocean, I guess, and not able to actually work on what's 250 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,880 going on, which ideally will bring you through to not having 251 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,960 these conversations. So it's almost like a roadblock 252 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,800 that comes up. So it doesn't mean that your 253 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,800 love is gone or your relationship is doomed. 254 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,320 It actually could just mean that your communication lines are 255 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:32,800 crossed and that it might just take an extra level of 256 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,800 understanding on one side or both sides to just push through 257 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,440 awkwardly until you can get through that communication 258 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,800 blunder. So there's a few reasons why we 259 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,400 might be missing each other in these conversations. 260 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:46,960 Why these? The way that things are 261 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,520 delivered could be really not hitting the mark. 262 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,000 So sometimes your partner might say something that comes across 263 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,320 a bit harsh, but what if that's not the full story? 264 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,520 What if how they've said it is not the full story? 265 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:01,600 A lot of the times we might react to the tone before we 266 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:05,080 really even understand what their intention was, or we take 267 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,040 the words that they're saying at Facebook face value instead of 268 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,880 understanding the meaning that's sitting behind them. 269 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,720 You can think about examples of this, like the words you use to 270 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,680 describe things can be just subtle little differences and 271 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,760 hold such different meanings. But when your brain is like, 272 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,120 stressed, it's really hard to think of the right words. 273 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,440 I find it hard when I'm sitting in this chair doing an episode. 274 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,640 So yeah, especially if you're stressed and you're in an 275 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,800 argument or a conversation. This episode is so relevant to 276 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,440 me. I mentioned this before, but 277 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:34,160 it's it's so critical. So I with my family growing up, 278 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,520 we in conflict. It was either like really, 279 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,360 really blunt or it was avoiding the conversation at all. 280 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,000 And you sort of run from it. And so I, I do the same thing. 281 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,640 Well, I naturally do the same thing. 282 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,320 So I've had to really work on this. 283 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,680 But mostly the tone, the mostly the words that I use, it's like, 284 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,640 I know we need to talk about it. And I put so much emphasis on 285 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,800 like, I don't want the avoidance side to come out in our 286 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,200 relationship. So I really push for, well, 287 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,680 we've got to talk about it. But then I would get into the 288 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,000 trap of not not being aware of how I'm talking about it, and 289 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,560 that would cause a whole other issue and then damage and so 290 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,760 forth. I've done that many, many times 291 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,280 unintentionally. And it's just like my Yeah, 292 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:12,800 again, it's just where that focus is. 293 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:16,360 My focus was more on the fact that we do talk rather than how 294 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,040 we talk. But it's gonna go in together. 295 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,360 Like we do need to talk about stuff. 296 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,000 Communication is really important, but the way that we 297 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,760 communicate is just as important. 298 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:28,000 Yeah, and I came from a family dynamic that was quite like 299 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:32,120 sarcastic and when when there was conflict, sarcastic and uses 300 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:36,280 language to mean to imply things like almost a passive aggressive 301 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,600 type thing and not so passive aggressive. 302 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,400 And so the meaning of the way you're saying things really 303 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,200 impacts me because that's like that just has a whole. 304 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,880 And I I also just pattern in my head. 305 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,400 My head obsesses about things and patterns things. 306 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,680 So if I hear you say it or I see your facial expression or 307 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,680 whatever, then it has a whole story behind it, regardless of 308 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,600 if that's accurate or not. Yeah. 309 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,040 And, and I, you know, I grew up in a situation where the words 310 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,480 meant stuff. And so it does. 311 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,400 It's really hard to wade through those things and sarcasm, which 312 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,400 we'll talk about as well. And here is another one of those 313 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,480 things. So like these, these ways of 314 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,200 clumsy communication play out in so many different ways for 315 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,720 people. So it's not just people that are 316 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,960 really blunt. It's not just people that are 317 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,600 downright rude. It's also sarcasm. 318 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,240 It's passive aggressive comments. 319 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,600 All of these things are clumsy ways of communicating things. 320 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,520 So it's not just people that are blunt, but. 321 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,040 Yeah. And I think, I think we all have 322 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,000 these things, we all have these defaults that's like it's a bit 323 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,640 awkward to like communicate what is really going on. 324 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,400 So it didn't. Then it just comes out in a way 325 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,400 we don't really intend to. So we had a, we had someone 326 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,080 write in and sharing with us about their experience was like, 327 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,440 they'll just shut down when conflict would happen. 328 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:45,560 They would kind of Stonewall or avoid or whatever you wanted to 329 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,120 call it and they would just avoid it, avoid it, avoid it to 330 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,960 a point where they wouldn't avoid anymore and it would 331 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,720 explode. So it's like they they, the 332 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,560 episode that we went through on the Four Horsemen, the different 333 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,680 approaches or of conflicts with conflict, I really stood out to 334 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,960 them because it gave them tools and language to understand their 335 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,440 situation, to then work through that to avoid that explosion 336 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,320 side of things. They didn't fight a lot, but 337 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,760 when they fought, it was huge. It was a huge deal. 338 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,680 Yeah. So you can find these things 339 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,280 happening, playing out. And then the issue is that you 340 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,760 actually miss the need that was being communicated underneath or 341 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,120 the frustration or the the story that was being communicated 342 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,520 underneath all of these things. So most of us were, a lot of us 343 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,520 were never taught how to ask for help or vulnerability or do 344 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,080 conflict in a healthy, constructive way. 345 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:35,760 We also often weren't taught how to express emotion without 346 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,920 blaming or defensiveness or deflection. 347 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:43,120 And we also weren't taught often to sit with discomfort without 348 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,800 turning it into some kind of something sarcasm or some kind 349 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,480 of reaction. And so these things play into 350 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,640 why we might find it hard to have these conversations in a 351 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,240 way that's gentle and constructive straight off the 352 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,280 bat. So an example might be if I say 353 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,560 you never help me with these things, it might actually be 354 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,400 more I'm overwhelmed and I don't know how to say it without being 355 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,320 a nag, or I'm overwhelmed and I don't know how to ask you for 356 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,240 help, but then I'm going to explode because I'm overwhelmed 357 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,440 and you're not helping me kind of thing. 358 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,320 So there's so much more than just what comes out that's 359 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,600 sitting behind it. So this is what usually happens 360 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,800 in these cycles. So one partner comes out and 361 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,680 says something in a clumsy way and then the other person reacts 362 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:23,280 defensively to that clumsy way and then the original point is 363 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:24,600 lost. So the actual things not 364 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,920 navigated properly. And then both people start 365 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,720 feeling misunderstood and frustrated. 366 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,760 And so then it just builds to the next, the next person or the 367 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,160 same person doing the same thing. 368 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,200 They say something clumsy and then the other person gets 369 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,920 defensive and then they they points missed. 370 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,440 So the actual issues not navigated and they both feel 371 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,960 misunderstood and then it just builds. 372 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,480 So it's a cycle and a loop that needs something to come in and 373 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:49,600 disrupt that loop so that the point can be dealt with and then 374 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,120 they can keep going. So each time that this happens, 375 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,160 the emotional gap between partners widens. 376 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,320 And it's not because either person is a horrible person. 377 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,480 It's because the message is important to navigate, that the 378 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,520 thing that was trying to be communicated is important to 379 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:06,480 navigate, but the delivery was poor and it's triggering each 380 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,400 other. And so you can find yourself 381 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,280 years down the track stuck in this place of lack of 382 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,240 communication. And it's, it could all be how 383 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,960 the conversation has been panning out rather than this 384 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,760 actual issue that you're trying to navigate. 385 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,359 And we've talked talks about on here for me, that one thing that 386 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:25,119 just sits in my head can make everything feel bad. 387 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:29,120 So you can imagine how Pat like years of this pattern can make 388 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:31,880 everything feel like it's in crisis where it might not be in 389 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,920 crisis. It might just be that you're 390 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,320 struggling to connect. You're so distanced out because 391 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,880 you can't even communicate properly. 392 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,680 And there's a few core things that you need to work out. 393 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,360 And that's what's got your gridlocked. 394 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,560 And so that's why it's important for us to figure out a way to 395 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,720 receive these conversations so that we can keep moving forward. 396 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,640 So some of the ways that these clumsy deliveries might look 397 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,320 could be like sarcastic jabs, which we mentioned earlier. 398 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,200 Oh look who finally decided to help instead of I feel like I'm 399 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,040 carrying this alone. Yeah, and just on that too. 400 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,600 It's really funny. I, I don't know where it's come 401 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:07,320 from, but I find myself in that space A lot too. 402 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,800 Again, this is something that I've really had to work on. 403 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,680 You're very intentional with words and tone and all that sort 404 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,240 of stuff, way more than I have. I remember when we were like 405 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,560 first married or early in our relationship I would always get 406 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,480 you to come in. This is before chat to be TI 407 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:21,840 would always. Get to become. 408 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,120 Yeah, you want my chat to be T in regards to wording and tone 409 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:28,040 of emails and text messages and stuff because I just could not 410 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,640 get it. Like I, I knew I struggled with 411 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:35,000 it, but I just could not see how the specific words, especially 412 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,880 in written words could come across in in a way. 413 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:41,160 But in this area here I would like some of these things. 414 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,440 I'll just make jokes for the sake of it, even if I didn't 415 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,480 actually mean it. But you couldn't tell the 416 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,080 difference between when I did mean it and when I didn't mean 417 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,840 it. So I will just be sarcastic in 418 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,080 general just to write a bunch of different stuff. 419 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,840 And you still sometimes struggle with it. 420 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,400 And I've I've really tried to work on it though, but this 421 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,640 comes out like I just make sarcastic comments and you like, 422 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,720 you know, every, you would say every joke is has some truth to 423 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,640 it. Like actually this one is 0 424 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,160 truth. I'm just being a tool bag. 425 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,680 Like I'm just, I'm not saying anything here at all. 426 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:14,000 But I would also make those sarcastic jobs in a serious way 427 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,000 to try and address the situation in a light hearted way. 428 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,400 So you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between when I 429 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,240 was, when I was trying to communicate something, and when 430 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,400 I was just being an idiot, right? 431 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,360 Yeah. But yeah, it's really hard to 432 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,280 navigate through. And then it's like, because 433 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,760 that's been a big part that I've had to and I'm still really 434 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,640 working on is how do I say it lightly? 435 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,520 How do I bring it across in a nice way? 436 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,600 How do I, you know, because I've tried, I've tried sarcastic and 437 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,280 making fun out of it, but it doesn't. 438 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,200 It just doesn't communicate. Yeah. 439 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,880 I've tried to be clear, but it comes across blunt. 440 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,680 And then it's trying to find that middle ground is really, 441 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:50,160 really hard to do when you don't naturally do do that like you've 442 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,720 had. I've got to learn this and I 443 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,720 still am continually learning this. 444 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,560 Yeah, yeah. Even with our kids, right. 445 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:59,360 I'm really continually trying to learn how to uplift them but 446 00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,320 challenge them, but in a positive way. 447 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,560 They don't get put down. It's it's such a such a 448 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,560 difficult space. Maybe we need to do an episode 449 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,320 on that too. On the flip side of this, 450 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,520 instead of receiving, yeah, absolutely. 451 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,320 Communication, like how to develop that communication? 452 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,520 Yeah, it's. I find myself falling into those 453 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,760 sarcastic jabs too. And I think because of my 454 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,760 history, it means so much more like, as in like the weight of 455 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,280 them was more. But we've had times where we've 456 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,840 kind of had to be like, all right, we are getting way too 457 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:29,960 like jokey, sarcastic with each other that I don't even know 458 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,760 where the serious sentimentalness like, or serious 459 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,160 relationship part of it is. And we've had to kind of 460 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,000 intentionally pause in that space because it's just too 461 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,480 much. So yeah, it's, it's easy. 462 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,360 It, it's complex. It's complex because it can hide 463 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,000 truths or it can just be joking. But then it does become really 464 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,800 hard to navigate through. And another way similar to this 465 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:52,120 is half jokes, full truth. So it must be nice to relax 466 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,280 while I do everything. So it's a truth. 467 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,760 You're trying to say it, but you're saying it in a jokey way. 468 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,880 And this is something I struggle with a lot because there'll be 469 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,640 things that I think I'm communicating with you and then 470 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,280 I'll end up being frustrated or I'll like come out and say I've 471 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,240 said this to you and you're like, I thought you were joking 472 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,280 because I say it in a jokey way. And I'm the same this because I 473 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,440 don't want to be like, I don't want you doing this. 474 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,760 I don't want to be super heavy all of a sudden, but I also just 475 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:19,120 I don't know, I need just say it So it just comes out in like 1/2 476 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:22,960 joke, but also a truth thing. And that just again muddies the 477 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,640 water. It becomes weird and it's 478 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,560 passive aggressive and it and it also tells my brain, Oh I've 479 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,560 communicated this with him when from his perspective he hasn't. 480 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:31,520 I have no idea. Yeah. 481 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,720 Passive aggressive comments. A really common 1. 482 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,560 So an example is I'll just add it to my list of things no one 483 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,080 notices. But that could really just mean 484 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,120 I want appreciation but I'm too scared to ask for it or I'm 485 00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,640 feeling like no one sees what I do. 486 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,320 That kind of meaning. But in the way you say it, it 487 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,040 puts it in a different tone. And I think this is probably one 488 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,560 of the reasons why the jokey stuff is confusing because 489 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,440 passive aggressivity comes across almost jokey or like 490 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,200 almost a little bit like, is it true? 491 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,000 Is it not true? And so then when you're also 492 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:01,600 joking a lot, it's like, I think people just think, are you being 493 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,320 passive aggressive or are you joking? 494 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,160 And they all kind of blend into one. 495 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,360 It's all different ways of being passive aggressive. 496 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,480 Sudden shutdowns like stonewalling or like cutting it 497 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,040 off and that kind of thing. Like forget it, I'll do it 498 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,080 myself. It can mean I'm trying to 499 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,360 express that I've, I tried to get you to do it and and then 500 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,360 I'm giving up on letting you do it. 501 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,560 So just forget it, I'll do it myself or no, I don't want to 502 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,640 talk about it or walk away. That kind of shut down sort of 503 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,080 reaction can also be another clumsy way of communicating 504 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:29,200 what's going on for you inside. And then light insults as 505 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,960 humour. And this is another one, they're 506 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,480 all very similar, but this is another one that we fall into 507 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,840 because we do joke around a lot with each other. 508 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:41,960 I don't know if it's especially Australians, but Aussies break 509 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,040 each other down as like a form of affection. 510 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,040 Culturally, that's just kind of how we just, it's quite. 511 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,200 Strange. It's quite strange. 512 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,560 And so it's hard to tell sometimes it's like interesting, 513 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,240 yes, cool. Like I get that that's a joke, 514 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,000 but also feels a little close to home. 515 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,480 But the flip side of that is we also receive these things. 516 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,680 So there's there's what they're saying or what they might be 517 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,040 struggling with when they're communicating. 518 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,760 There's also our philtre that we take stuff in that makes the 519 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,840 conversation clumsy. And so with the like light 520 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,080 insults as humour, if you're insecure about something or 521 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,720 you're insecure about how you like your stand in the 522 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,400 relationship or whatever, and someone's lightly insulting you 523 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,960 as a joke, but it's just purely a joke, you might read that 524 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,160 totally differently to how they intended because it's actually 525 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,720 triggering one of your wounds, your past wounds. 526 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,800 So there's a few reasons why someone might be using these 527 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,600 clumsy tactics when they're communicating. 528 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,240 And we've already spoken about some of them, but most of us 529 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,040 just weren't shown, A lot of us just weren't shown how to 530 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,960 communicate emotionally in a constructive and healthy and 531 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,520 calm way. So we might come from families 532 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,360 where emotions weren't safe, or we might believe that asking for 533 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:49,200 help or asking for validation or asking for whatever is, is 534 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,880 weakness. It's not just vulnerability. 535 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,520 We might feel that there's no graceful way to say what we need 536 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,760 to say, like we just can't figure out the words and so it 537 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,080 just comes right out. Or we might use humour or 538 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,480 silence as a protection method, which I think is definitely one 539 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,840 of mine. And we're also in a world at the 540 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,920 moment, I think this is important to say, where the 541 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:09,320 world is very ungracious. So we're in a time where, you 542 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,120 know, we talk about cancel culture all the time on here. 543 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,920 It's just very ungracious and if you make one mistake, you're 544 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,360 kind of cut off sort of thing. I think that's another reason 545 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:21,280 that I wanted to talk about this on the podcast because you can 546 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:25,080 hear other voices out in the world that will be like, if 547 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,160 someone's done you wrong, not get them out. 548 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:30,800 Like I see comment sections all the time on different posts and 549 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,160 different podcasts and platforms and that sort of thing where 550 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,440 they're just like, how dare he? How dare he? 551 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,560 Actually, an example is I saw a video yesterday of this girl had 552 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,800 the Ring camera from their door, doorbell or whatever had been 553 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,920 filming while her dad received a phone call. 554 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,120 He was outside and she, the girl herself had been attacked by 555 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,480 their dogs. And so it was her sister calling 556 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,240 the dad to say she's being attacked. 557 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,600 And the dad freaks out. He sticks his head in the house 558 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,720 and he tell yells to his son to come with him. 559 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,480 But all all he says is like come with me, come with me. 560 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:01,520 And then he like gets in his car and then drives off. 561 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,760 He leaves without the son because the teenage son comes 562 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,760 out. He's like no dad, stop, stop, 563 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,440 dad. And he doesn't like go to the 564 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,320 car and he's just like stop, you got to talk to me stop, stop. 565 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:11,640 And he doesn't walk up to the car. 566 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,560 Anyway, this is a random example, but in the comments 567 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:18,440 section, this teenage kid has been torn apart because 568 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,160 everyone's like back in the day, we would just like listen to 569 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,480 your dad or you can't. Like this generation's like 570 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,760 ridiculous. They're not listening to their 571 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:26,040 dads. And I was thinking this poor 572 00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:27,760 kid. For one thing, he's a teenager. 573 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,840 And two, he was in a state of shock because his dad's just 574 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,760 screaming in the door that he needs to get in the car and he's 575 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,480 not giving any explanation at all. 576 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:38,920 So this kids brain is not processing badly. 577 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,680 This is not like a calm moment where he's been asked to do 578 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,720 something. He's not processing properly and 579 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:47,560 so all these random strangers are observing this situation and 580 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,640 they're just like not he's done he's done. 581 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,080 And now every post this girls posted, they're talking about 582 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,600 her brother and how he's stupid. Basically. 583 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,280 I felt really bad because it's such it's a momentary moment 584 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,720 that is so understandable. Yeah, because his brains in 585 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,680 shock and he's a teenager and yeah, maybe he didn't make the 586 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,160 right choice or he didn't react in the way you'd want someone to 587 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,880 in an emergency. But still, it's one instance and 588 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:11,240 he's like cancelled like this. Poor teenagers actually. 589 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:12,840 Millions of people commenting about. 590 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,680 This and it's crazy because we see this a lot in relationships 591 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:17,000 too. Like you'll put, you'll see a 592 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,120 post or something up about or a question on Reddit especially, 593 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:23,080 which is a crazy world about how you know someone might be 594 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,480 struggling with someone that might be doing one of these 595 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:26,720 things that we've mentioned today. 596 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:30,120 And the the responses are very much like, you don't deserve 597 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,160 that, you deserve better, all this sort of stuff. 598 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,480 But where's the actual conversation of like, well, how 599 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,280 can we actually grow in this together? 600 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:38,480 And that's what we want to do. That's what we want to encourage 601 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,920 you with. You know, we get this such AI 602 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,080 feel like in in today's day and age. 603 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,680 And you know, I feel like an old man saying that and I probably 604 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,400 don't have the wisdom to actually clearly like state 605 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,240 that, but well, accurately state this. 606 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,480 But I feel like there's such a victim mentality out there of 607 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,680 like, well, I'm this has been done to me. 608 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,640 I'm the one that's suffering here or nothing goes right, or 609 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,680 whatever else. We really want to bring that 610 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,960 hope into this conversation and this old confidence and these 611 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,200 tools is like there's actually something you can do. 612 00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:09,680 You who are in control of your situation or elements of your 613 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:13,080 situation, there is something you can do in all those 614 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,440 situations. So come at it with that positive 615 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,640 attitude in regards to all right, you know, we're not stuck 616 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,360 here. This is something that's just a 617 00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:23,320 product of something. I don't know what, but you know, 618 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,920 it's such an easy trap for us to fall into that victim mentality, 619 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,240 that cancel culture and all that stuff. 620 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,120 And we just want to bring confidence into this space. 621 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,680 We just want to just a different perspective and a different 622 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:36,800 approach because it's. So it's just like an echo 623 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,320 Chamber of the same thing out there. 624 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,360 And yeah, I think if you're looking for outrage and you're 625 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:45,080 looking for like people to just tell you, Oh yeah, you should be 626 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,800 mad, that's fine. Like that's a different thing. 627 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,320 If you're looking for help in how to become a stronger, like a 628 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,760 stronger couple and how to understand your partner better 629 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,600 and how to communicate better, then there's a different 630 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,320 approach together. And that's kind of our heart 631 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,400 behind this. It helps build resiliency and it 632 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,560 helps actually strengthen. If you're not able to withstand 633 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:05,920 these kinds of things and you're not able to navigate through 634 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:07,760 them, then you're not going to be a strong. 635 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,640 There's no way to be a strong a couple. 636 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,160 Like there's no way for your relationship to be strong if you 637 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:15,320 can't navigate these things. So that's why we want to bring 638 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,120 these perspectives to you. So yeah, it's a tough place. 639 00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:20,320 It's a tough place to say something wrong or make 640 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:21,920 mistakes. It's not a world that's very 641 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,520 gracious to stumbling through things and growing without 642 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,840 immediate kind of judgement put on how you stumble through it. 643 00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:32,280 And so we want to encourage that within your relationships to 644 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:35,320 allow space for you guys to grow because you are too flawed 645 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,720 humans with your own things that you're bringing into the 646 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:40,080 relationship. And you can grow really closely 647 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,600 together, You can become closer, but it takes this process. 648 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:48,440 So again, just to reiterate though, this is not to excuse 649 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:51,320 the behaviour of someone who refuses to learn or refuses to 650 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,560 be kind or in a pattern of this disrespect and hurt. 651 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:57,800 That's not to excuse that and abuse even more on top of that, 652 00:28:57,800 --> 00:28:59,440 because that's a different issue. 653 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:02,360 And that's something that is needs help from professional 654 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:04,800 help, not from people that are trying to navigate 655 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:06,840 conversations. This is for people that you, 656 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,560 you're both trying and you just don't know how to go forward. 657 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:12,200 And just because someone might not have been taught how to 658 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,760 communicate well doesn't mean that they don't have to and 659 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:17,160 learn how to communicate well. And that's what we've expressed 660 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,600 when you've been sharing too, Like it's not your strong point 661 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,640 to communicate gently, but you're learning how to 662 00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:24,920 communicate gently and you're putting effort into that, and 663 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,520 you're also aware of it. So you put things in place to 664 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:31,720 make sure that, like you said, the people around you are aware 665 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:33,480 that you're aware. Found that's a big thing too. 666 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,200 Like even with the kids, right? Like I'll have a moment of, of 667 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,880 struggling to communicate or out of frustration, whatever. 668 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,720 And you know, and not excusing it. 669 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,560 And again, we're never excusing bad behaviour, but I'm 670 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:46,360 continuing that journey. So like I'll share with them, 671 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:47,720 look, there's something I'm working on. 672 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,440 I'm really struggling with it and but I am working on it. 673 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,720 I might have a moment of frustration and react in a way 674 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,280 that I don't want to. I then go back to them and say, 675 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:58,800 like, look, I'm so sorry there's not OK. 676 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:00,800 You know, I'm going to keep working on this. 677 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,520 You know, you've seen that I'm, I'm doing XYZ to work on this. 678 00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,480 And I promise you I'm still going to work on this. 679 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,720 And I, I'm committing to that. That's been a big help for my 680 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:10,920 kids. But I think a big thing that's 681 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:14,040 helped you and, and others as well as that, that clear 682 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:15,920 communication. This is what I'm doing right 683 00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:17,840 now. I'm aware of what I'm doing. 684 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,360 I get it. I just need, I need this so I 685 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,040 can do this. So taking you on that journey is 686 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:25,920 much better than just doing it and expecting you to know where 687 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:27,960 I'm at. Or doing it and then doubling 688 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:30,960 down because you're or embarrassed and or whatever is 689 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,480 going on for you and not even addressing it at all. 690 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:35,240 Yeah. So there's also, like we said 691 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:38,640 before, reasons why you might be hearing these things, taking 692 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,320 them in, filtering them in and reacting the way that you're 693 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,360 reacting as the recipient of them too. 694 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:46,400 There's things that play into that that make that a 695 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,080 complicated, clumsy conversation too. 696 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:50,800 So things like your old wounds, your experiences from your past. 697 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:52,440 And we've talked about this already. 698 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,880 Our experiences from growing up have impacted how we navigate 699 00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:58,400 conversations now. So instead of someone saying, if 700 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:01,440 you, if you were to say to me, you forgot to do this, it might 701 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,920 translate to me, you're telling me I don't care about that, but 702 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,320 that's not true. Or like I might add a whole 703 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:09,280 meaning to that, even though that's not what you're trying to 704 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:11,320 say at all. Perfectionism is huge for me. 705 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:16,160 So if I am given a piece of feedback that makes me think 706 00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:19,160 they think I haven't put effort into it or I haven't like 707 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:23,320 thought about it, it really like irks me because I spend so much 708 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:25,480 time trying to make things work well. 709 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:28,640 And so it's not that like, that feedback's not important and 710 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:30,040 valid. And when I started doing graphic 711 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,680 design and social media, I really had to swallow this 712 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:35,440 because I'd have people come back and, like, correct it. 713 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,560 That's what they do in design all the time. 714 00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:40,000 And I just had to be like, yeah, it's not about me. 715 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,280 It's not about the effort I put in. 716 00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:44,480 It's not about my, like, lack of trying to perfect it. 717 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:46,120 It's just that it's not the vision that they had. 718 00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:48,400 For me, yeah, exactly. And trying to get my hand around 719 00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:50,680 that. Family dynamics, huge, huge 720 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,400 part. So raised voices might 721 00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,680 automatically mean danger to you or might automatically mean 722 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:58,320 signal the end of a relationship or something like that. 723 00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,800 And, and, or sarcasm for me, that had a different meaning 724 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:05,160 than it does for you. And so your family dynamics 725 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:08,680 growing up can impact how you're filtering what's coming in when 726 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,240 you're an adult and when you're in your own relationship. 727 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,320 And another thing is low bandwidth. 728 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,720 So even small comments just feel like too much. 729 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:19,480 So you've got low bandwidth in terms of being able to, to 730 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:21,880 manage. You're just in a probably in 731 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:24,400 like a burnout state, you're in an overwhelmed state and you 732 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:27,880 just have very little bandwidth in terms of managing feedback 733 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:29,480 that might feel a bit confronting. 734 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:31,680 So these philtres are things that happen to us and there's 735 00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:33,600 probably a number of other things that are going on for 736 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,440 people as well. But there are reasons why we 737 00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:38,960 might be reacting this way. And a lot of them aren't our 738 00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:42,800 fault necessarily, but they are our responsibility in terms of 739 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:44,640 recognising them and working through them. 740 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,440 And if you don't notice them, you'll just react. 741 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:49,680 If you're not spending time to be intentional, you will just 742 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,200 react out of them without recognising what's going on. 743 00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:54,560 And that just perpetuates the loop that we've talked about 744 00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:57,920 because your reaction will then show a story to the person that 745 00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:00,920 you're talking to, and that'll then trigger whatever philtres 746 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:03,240 they've got going on. And until you can break it down 747 00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:07,240 into why these things affect the way that they affect you, then 748 00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:09,440 you're going to just keep functioning out of that without 749 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:12,520 any kind of clarity. But the issue with this stuff is 750 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:14,760 that it's not just conversations either. 751 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,440 It's actually your nervous system reacting as well. 752 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,760 And this is the stuff that I love with coaching because we 753 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,280 talk about this stuff a lot. But conflict isn't just what 754 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:23,520 you're saying. It's all these things we've 755 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:25,680 already discussed. It's what sits behind it for 756 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:28,120 you, what need you're trying to express, what your experiences 757 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:31,560 were, and it's about how your nervous system hears it and then 758 00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:34,120 reacts. What you're taking in effects 759 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,320 how your brain actually processes. 760 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:40,040 Because if your brain senses threat for whatever numerous 761 00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:43,640 philtres it might have, if it's sensing threat, even emotional 762 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,800 threat, then it shifts into protection mode or a flight or 763 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,520 flight, flight or fight, and it turns off our logic centre. 764 00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:53,200 So it means that we actually cannot bring the best of us to 765 00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:56,280 the table because we're in this protection mode. 766 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,480 We can't think logically. Our memory glitches out. 767 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:02,200 You probably find that's when you can't think of the right 768 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:03,000 words. Like if you're in a 769 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,280 conversation, I'm sure everyone's experienced this, 770 00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:06,280 when you're like, I should have said this. 771 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:08,239 And then afterwards, you reflect back and like, I should have 772 00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:10,719 said this, this and this. I should have clarified this. 773 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:12,320 Or are you trying to think of an example? 774 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:14,320 And you're like, I can't think of a single example right now, 775 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:15,679 but I know it happens. Yeah. 776 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,400 Yeah. And also your tone radar will 777 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,239 spike. So you'll be really aware of 778 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:22,480 their tone, but you also probably won't be super aware of 779 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:25,280 your own tone. So it can just make it very hard 780 00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:28,360 to to manage and maintain your conversation in a way that's 781 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:31,239 going to be constructive. So that happens when you're 782 00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:33,880 flooded and just think about what happens when both of you 783 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:35,600 are flooded. Your brains are flooded with 784 00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:37,560 this fight or flight kind of reaction. 785 00:34:37,679 --> 00:34:40,199 If both of you are coming to the table out of that, things are 786 00:34:40,199 --> 00:34:42,639 not going to be smooth. That's not the kind of 787 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:45,320 conversation that's going to look great on paper. 788 00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:47,960 If you reflect back on it later, it's going to be clunky and it's 789 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,600 going to be clumsy. And so that's why tone often 790 00:34:50,600 --> 00:34:54,800 lands before the meeting. So if you've, you've filtered it 791 00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:57,880 by how they're saying it or the, the specific words they're 792 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:00,800 saying rather than what they're trying to communicate and you're 793 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:04,640 reacting out of this and you're feeling a threat, you shut down 794 00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:07,640 your logic brain and you can't actually communicate properly or 795 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:09,200 process properly what they're saying. 796 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:13,400 So the conversation is, is judged right off of tone or 797 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:16,080 judged right off the specific words they're using rather than 798 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:17,640 what are they trying to express to me. 799 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,120 So that's not a broken process, That's a normal, natural 800 00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:21,800 process. That's what happens in our 801 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:24,440 bodies and recognising that is really helpful. 802 00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:27,600 And it also, I think it's not just helpful for yourself and 803 00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:30,320 how you're navigating things. I think it's really helpful for 804 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:33,840 having grace for your partner navigating things because if I 805 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,640 can recognise that they're stressed and overwhelmed and 806 00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:39,920 that they're not going to be processing things logically or 807 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,560 acting logical, then that will for one thing, help calm me 808 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:45,040 down, but also help me have grace for what's coming out of 809 00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:46,760 their mouth and the way it's coming out of their mouth. 810 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,720 So we've talked about all these things, what how, why it's 811 00:35:49,720 --> 00:35:51,440 important, how it might be happening, what might be 812 00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:53,320 happening for you. Let's talk about some of the 813 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,400 ways that you can actually help weed through this in a 814 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,360 constructive way and decode what's going on so that you can 815 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,640 understand what they're trying to communicate rather than what 816 00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:06,040 they are saying and disarm the protection mode that we we are 817 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,680 falling into. So in the moment is important 818 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:12,240 because as we've spoken about with examples, often there have 819 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:14,680 times, there have been times where we just find ourselves in 820 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:16,520 a conversation loop and we need to stop. 821 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,960 We need a break so that we can come back and come at it from a 822 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,280 different like perspective. And so there needs to be in the 823 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,880 moment Breakers for you. If you recognise something's 824 00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:27,480 going on, these are things that you can implement straight away, 825 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,440 but these are some things you can actually say you'd be like, 826 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:31,680 sorry, pause. I am feeling like I'm about to 827 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:33,520 react instead of respond properly. 828 00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:36,960 So can we take a pause or can we do a soft reset? 829 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:40,000 Can we start this again gently or I know I'm taking this 830 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:43,360 personally, I just need a second to breathe or I really want to 831 00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:45,560 hear you, but can we just take some breaths first? 832 00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:48,280 So those are things you can, you can actually communicate those 833 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:51,280 out loud to your partner. Physical things that you can do 834 00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:54,560 for yourself that are really helpful is take one full body 835 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:56,880 breath. So really deep breath in and 836 00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:59,800 out, inhale through your nose and exhale with a sigh. 837 00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:03,480 That helps just regulate your body, helps calm your nervous 838 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:05,400 system. Another is to say I just need to 839 00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:08,240 step into a room for 30 seconds. Then you just step out of the 840 00:37:08,240 --> 00:37:10,960 room, be by yourself for 30 seconds and then come back in. 841 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:14,880 You can put one hand on your chest and breathe and feeling 842 00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:16,800 your breath. It helps you sort of like centre 843 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:20,040 down again, like so when we get overwhelmed or frustrated, we 844 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,120 don't really aware of things around us, right. 845 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:24,560 So putting your hand on your chest, it just helps you be 846 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:26,880 aware of your movements, sort of that mindfulness stuff. 847 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:28,400 Yeah. And it gets you back centred 848 00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:31,400 into that moment. So it just rather than your mind 849 00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:34,000 going everywhere, you just sort of focusing in on something. 850 00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,640 Yeah, yeah, it centres you, it grounds you a little bit in that 851 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,480 moment. And then you can also sit down 852 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:40,480 if you're standing or stand up if you're slumping. 853 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:42,480 So that signals to your nervous system that you're safe. 854 00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,800 So just change how your positioned because we can get 855 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,360 real like tense and stand like really intensely. 856 00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:51,440 So those things hopefully in the moment can help circuit break 857 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:54,920 what's going on for you, help break that reactiveness to 858 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:57,760 what's been presented to you. But then there's some things to 859 00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:01,400 help you navigate it either in once you've calmed down or later 860 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:04,040 down the track, because a lot of the time you do just need a 861 00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:07,000 little break before you can have the conversation constructively. 862 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,000 So one thing that's really important is when you're having 863 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:12,360 this conversation with your partner and they've said 864 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:16,520 something in a really clumsy and hurtful way, again, easy to easy 865 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:19,640 to react. But if we go at it with the 866 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:23,400 desire to figure out what their need is rather than what they're 867 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:25,160 saying, it can be really helpful. 868 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,640 So you're trying to figure out what was the need that they're 869 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:29,800 expressing there, What's sitting under this for them? 870 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,480 So what need might they be trying to express, albeit badly? 871 00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:35,360 Another thing is to do a trigger test. 872 00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:38,680 So what did they say versus what did I hear? 873 00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:40,520 And that can be, you can even do that together. 874 00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:42,720 Be like, I heard this. What did you say? 875 00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:45,880 Like, because sometimes the word someone says trigger something 876 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:48,160 and you actually end up hearing something completely different. 877 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:50,920 And I've had this happen for myself multiple times. 878 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:54,560 I've also had this, this come up in coaching where you know, 879 00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:56,760 people will repeat this thing and they'll be like, they said, 880 00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:59,440 they said that I, I'm too much. They said that I'm too much. 881 00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:02,760 And then when, when we explore that more, the reality is no one 882 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:06,360 said you're too much. They the story you took in was 883 00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,080 your too much for whatever reasons. 884 00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:10,840 There's lots of reasons and they probably did a lot of things to 885 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:14,040 imply that to you. But the words you're too much 886 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,560 didn't come out of their mouths. Some people can actually 887 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:18,720 remember words that were not said. 888 00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:20,600 Yeah. So if you can do this and be 889 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:22,760 like, what did they say? What were the words that came 890 00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,600 out of the mouth and what did I hear can be really helpful for 891 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:28,520 wedding through some of that. And even together if if you're 892 00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:31,160 in the place where you can have that conversation, reversing it 893 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,760 as well. So if I said this, what would I 894 00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,520 be meaning? And just trying to put your 895 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:38,400 yourself in their space face of being like, if I was the one 896 00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,960 communicating this, what would the meaning be? 897 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,240 That's sitting behind it gives it tends to give you a little 898 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:44,680 bit more grace when you can do that. 899 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,200 Looking one level deeper as well, I think is really 900 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:50,480 important too. So it's not just about the 901 00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:51,960 dishes. It might be about something 902 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:53,680 else. So instead of being like they're 903 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:56,480 so mad about the dishes being like, is this really about the 904 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:58,480 dishes? Or is there something else going 905 00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,000 on And just pressing one level deeper into this. 906 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:03,440 Your, your partner might be getting frustrated about this 907 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:05,040 thing. Unlikely that they're going to 908 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:07,800 get that frustrated about. Something like the dishes or 909 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:10,720 something surface level without it meaning something else is 910 00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:13,760 sitting behind it. And, and again, tone is really 911 00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:16,800 important in that too. You don't be like you're cranky. 912 00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,200 What else is going on? Yeah. 913 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:22,240 Are you on your period? I hate it when Amy says that to 914 00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:23,840 me. Yeah, yeah. 915 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,040 He's on his period all the time. I'm not. 916 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:31,360 Talking about whether like we do this joking thing and trying to 917 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,440 figure out if it was a joke. So you can actually, and I'm, we 918 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,240 do this sometimes, mostly mean that would be like, was that a 919 00:40:36,240 --> 00:40:38,440 joke 'cause it kind of sounded a little bit real. 920 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:41,560 Yeah. And then if it was. 921 00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,400 And then I, the issue is that even when you say it's a joke, 922 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:47,720 sometimes I'm like, it's not. So you also then have to trust 923 00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:49,440 their words. One thing that I've been trying 924 00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:52,120 to implement and I've actually found it really helpful is if we 925 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:55,480 play this out and you've, you've said a joke, that's like, OK and 926 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:58,240 then I'm, I say to you, was that a joke or were you trying to 927 00:40:58,240 --> 00:41:00,000 actually be serious? You're like, no, I'm joking. 928 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:03,240 You've said I'm joking. And I might read tone or I might 929 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:05,560 see facial expressions or I might know from previous 930 00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:07,680 conversations. Actually, I don't think he's 931 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:10,080 fully joking. I think he just doesn't, he's is 932 00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:11,920 not trying to like have a conversation about it right now. 933 00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:15,040 And so I could again, because my brain patterns and I obsess 934 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:17,520 everything I could like be like, no, he mustn't be like it's 935 00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,040 actually this thing. But what I've been trying to do 936 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:22,680 across the board is you've told me you're joking. 937 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:24,920 So I'm going to release this right now. 938 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,480 I'm not going to hold it like it's my thing to figure out what 939 00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:29,120 you're trying to say and then react from it. 940 00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:32,920 I need to practise taking your word for it and your ownership 941 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,600 of it. And so if that's something 942 00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:36,880 you've got a problem with, you can come back to me and talk to 943 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:38,760 me about it. Yeah, if it's my problem, it's 944 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:41,040 my problem. Yeah, If I haven't communicated 945 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:42,760 that problem, it's still my problem. 946 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,760 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and so, and it's because I 947 00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:49,120 have a tendency to just really sit on these things and then I 948 00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:51,640 can find like little stupid things, like a joke. 949 00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:53,840 It could really like throw me for a little while. 950 00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:57,040 So I'm trying to practise this. Like you've said, you've 951 00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:59,040 released me from this in your words. 952 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:01,440 And I think a lot of people do that when they don't really want 953 00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:03,480 to release the person. But I'm going to take your word 954 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:06,520 for it because that's what we've expressed and you're an adult 955 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:07,720 and you can work on that yourself. 956 00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:10,800 And so then I can just ease up on the holding of that 957 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,600 responsibility or the trying to figure it out. 958 00:42:12,720 --> 00:42:15,720 There's a lot of little safe, safe starters that you can go 959 00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:18,760 with as well that can help you when you come back or even in 960 00:42:18,760 --> 00:42:20,280 the conversation, but when you come back as well. 961 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:21,960 So you could say that came out a bit sharp. 962 00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:24,960 Can you try it a different way? Or I think what you're saying 963 00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:27,280 really matters. Can you say it differently or 964 00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:29,400 I'm listening, even if that was a little bit blunt. 965 00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:32,800 So just like recognising to them what you're saying, that's like 966 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:34,960 stinging. But I'm really trying to hear 967 00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,120 behind that. Well, it also communicates how 968 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:39,200 you're receiving it too. So again, like you know, I 969 00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:42,560 mentioned before about how I need to process this, Amy, I'm 970 00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,640 just processing. Just let me get through this so 971 00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:46,960 and blah, blah, blah. But then she also needs to be 972 00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:50,160 able to communicate to where you are in the receiving stuff. 973 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:52,640 So you could be like, again, you saying to me, that's a bit 974 00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:54,040 blunt. It's like, all right, cool. 975 00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:56,680 Now I can. It helps me help you help me 976 00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:58,960 help you help me help. You help me help you? 977 00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:02,160 Yeah, exactly. And I think it would calm you 978 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:04,760 down. Yeah, hearing me recognise that 979 00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:06,800 unless I said it like that was a bit blunt. 980 00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,640 Yeah, yeah. If you say blunt back, yeah, 981 00:43:08,720 --> 00:43:10,760 it's like, well. Exactly. 982 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:14,120 And it helps position me mentally to be listening, even 983 00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:16,480 if even if I'm not feeling it, if I have that as like a 984 00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:19,720 practised thing to come out. And I can say that was a bit 985 00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:22,000 sharp. Can you say it again or I'm I'm 986 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:25,000 really listening even though that was that stung then I think 987 00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:28,360 it can help me. It's like so a phrase when 988 00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:30,200 you're like fake it to you make it kind of thing. 989 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:32,720 Like it kind of does that a little bit gets you there before 990 00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:35,360 you really are there. Pattern interrupts as well, like 991 00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:37,880 the pausing, taking moment, stepping out of the room, 992 00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:41,080 restarting the conversation or, or just recognising I'm feeling 993 00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:43,520 myself getting defensive. Anything that can interrupt the 994 00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:46,240 pattern that you've found yourself in over and over again. 995 00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:48,960 And if this is, if these are not how you've navigated it, it 996 00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:52,040 might feel really uncomfortable to just all of a sudden be super 997 00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:55,520 serious in the face or super like, like, yeah, super like 998 00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:58,400 constructive in the face of something that you find 999 00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:01,560 yourselves in often. But I think there are gentle 1000 00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:04,520 ways to introduce this that will help you. 1001 00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:07,680 And it may take your partner a little bit of time because the, 1002 00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:11,640 the person that is in it and isn't like learning these new 1003 00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:14,400 tools might be a little bit thrown by that at 1st. 1004 00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:17,280 And so you you may find that their reactions not, oh, that's 1005 00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:19,200 a great idea. Like they might be like, what 1006 00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:21,560 are you talking about or like whatever and struggle with their 1007 00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:24,200 own processing. But you taking that moment to 1008 00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:27,560 implement some of these things for your own constructiveness 1009 00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:31,480 and for the idea that this conversation will be worked on 1010 00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:34,760 as a relationship and going forward can be helpful 1011 00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:36,600 regardless of where your partner is at with them. 1012 00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:39,400 And then also coming back to it later and just rebuilding and 1013 00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,120 repairing. So instead of you've had this 1014 00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:43,120 conversation, it was awkward and you just push it away and you 1015 00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:46,640 don't deal with it again, which I think is such a common thing. 1016 00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:48,480 And it's something we really try not to do. 1017 00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:51,800 Like we really try to always come back and rebuild after 1018 00:44:51,800 --> 00:44:54,880 we've had a tricky conversation, even when it's been really 1019 00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:57,120 clumsy and. Even if it's a day later, yeah, 1020 00:44:57,240 --> 00:45:00,000 you know, we we have that break and then that's the importance, 1021 00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:03,920 importance of ownership over our part to play. 1022 00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:05,840 And it's like, all right, well, if I feel like we haven't 1023 00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:07,880 resolved that, I need to go away. 1024 00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,840 Either we got too heated in the conversation or whatever. 1025 00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,160 I need to go away. I now need a processes. 1026 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:16,080 I can't just shut down and put it out of my head, which I I can 1027 00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:19,040 do, I can tend to do, I can do that pretty easily, but I've had 1028 00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:20,720 to really work on that. I was like, no, no, no. 1029 00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:24,080 Where did I see it going wrong? It's usually that we end up in 1030 00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:27,080 some random cycle and we just go all over the place and we move 1031 00:45:27,080 --> 00:45:29,400 away from the topic that we're actually trying to talk about. 1032 00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:32,120 So then I come back to the topic that we're trying to talk about. 1033 00:45:32,240 --> 00:45:35,240 I am packed up for myself. And then we we revisit that 1034 00:45:35,240 --> 00:45:38,840 conversation when we both have now reflected more so and that 1035 00:45:38,840 --> 00:45:40,640 becomes so much more constructive. 1036 00:45:40,760 --> 00:45:43,920 Yeah, so that's almost always where we'll actually see good 1037 00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:45,520 movement. And the other thing I was just 1038 00:45:45,520 --> 00:45:48,680 thinking too is like you're so that's that's the tactic either 1039 00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:50,880 partner or both partners can try and implement. 1040 00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:53,720 But the, if your partner has tried to express something to 1041 00:45:53,720 --> 00:45:57,280 you in a clumsy way that hurt you, recognising and not 1042 00:45:57,280 --> 00:45:59,400 pretending like it didn't hurt you, I think that's really 1043 00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:02,080 valid. But also if you come back later 1044 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:04,400 and you say so why? Like what was that that you're 1045 00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:08,440 trying to tell me about this thing and you bring up there the 1046 00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:11,160 thing they were trying to raise that for one thing, I feel like 1047 00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:13,160 that heals a lot of stuff because even though you were 1048 00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:15,360 hurt and maybe the conversation didn't go very well, it 1049 00:46:15,560 --> 00:46:19,000 recognises that you had heard them, like you recognise them 1050 00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,400 and you're going to take time to try and figure out what was 1051 00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:23,160 going on. Even though that conversation in 1052 00:46:23,160 --> 00:46:26,760 and of itself wasn't great. And it can, if you're willing to 1053 00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:30,400 raise it again, especially if it's not you, it's easy to raise 1054 00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:32,240 your thing. Maybe not easy, but it's it's 1055 00:46:32,240 --> 00:46:34,720 easier to raise your thing over and over and be like, I want to 1056 00:46:34,720 --> 00:46:36,360 talk about this again. I want to talk about this again. 1057 00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:39,640 But there's something beautiful about flipping it as the partner 1058 00:46:39,640 --> 00:46:43,120 who's received it, bringing that back up again and saying, let's 1059 00:46:43,120 --> 00:46:46,360 talk about that now. I think it it eases some of that 1060 00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:48,240 tension, make shifts things up a little bit. 1061 00:46:48,240 --> 00:46:50,400 And it also just shows that you actually care. 1062 00:46:50,600 --> 00:46:53,160 If your partner's raised something and it's had a bad 1063 00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:54,520 conversation, has been pushed away. 1064 00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:56,880 I can almost guarantee the thing's not gone. 1065 00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,080 It's not like resolved itself and it's not going to resolve 1066 00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:02,320 itself when it gets triggered up again later. 1067 00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,960 So just because they're not bringing it up again doesn't 1068 00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:08,120 mean it's not an issue. If you haven't kind of navigated 1069 00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:10,440 through that conversation, it can be really worth bringing it 1070 00:47:10,440 --> 00:47:12,760 back. Like I overreacted, but I want 1071 00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,800 to hear what you were saying or can we come back to that? 1072 00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:18,440 I think it was really important. And then the ownership philtre 1073 00:47:18,440 --> 00:47:22,400 of this, which is just recognising your reactions, 1074 00:47:22,400 --> 00:47:25,480 recognising what is the stuff we talked about earlier, what comes 1075 00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:29,800 into play when I'm confronted with this stuff and how might 1076 00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:32,320 that be impacting how we're having this conversation? 1077 00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:35,720 And if you can recognise what's happening on happening for you, 1078 00:47:36,040 --> 00:47:38,640 then it will ease some of the reactions that you're going to 1079 00:47:38,640 --> 00:47:41,920 have just naturally and it will make the conversation easier in 1080 00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:44,200 the future. So these are some of the ways 1081 00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:46,560 that we can navigate these clumsy conversations. 1082 00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:49,600 Again, it is not that when we talk about the ownership, you're 1083 00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:52,600 responsible for your reaction and you're responsible for your 1084 00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:54,440 actions. You're not responsible for 1085 00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:56,920 making sure that your partner can communicate well. 1086 00:47:57,160 --> 00:48:00,640 But we can help like we can help bring out constructiveness in 1087 00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:03,720 our relationships. And we do have ownership of our 1088 00:48:03,720 --> 00:48:06,200 part of our relationships. It's, it's a team effort. 1089 00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:08,880 And so when you are finding, if you're finding yourself in these 1090 00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:11,440 patterns, there are things that you can try and implement that 1091 00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,120 probably haven't felt, they probably won't feel natural 1092 00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:16,560 initially, but they probably haven't come up naturally on 1093 00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:19,280 their own either. And you can try them and see if 1094 00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,680 they're going to shake up this thing that you guys have stuck 1095 00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:24,480 in and see if it if it gives it a bit of a fresh approach and 1096 00:48:24,480 --> 00:48:29,480 maybe a fresh understanding. So a couple of little final 1097 00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:32,120 thoughts to think about your partner's clumsy little thing 1098 00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:33,920 that they said. It might not have been from 1099 00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:35,080 disrespect. It might not have been 1100 00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,160 intentionally trying to hurt you. 1101 00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:39,240 What if they were just trying to connect or trying to communicate 1102 00:48:39,240 --> 00:48:41,960 something that was important to them and they just did it in a 1103 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,520 way that was clumsy? And if that's the case, then 1104 00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:46,280 there's more of a conversation to be had. 1105 00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:49,480 And what if there isn't a bad guy and a good guy, but it's 1106 00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:52,600 just more this, these triggers and these fears and these 1107 00:48:52,600 --> 00:48:56,560 philtres playing out that are impacting how we're hearing, how 1108 00:48:56,560 --> 00:48:58,520 we're hearing each other, how we're loving each other and how 1109 00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:01,560 we're communicating. So as always, curiosity coming 1110 00:49:01,560 --> 00:49:04,480 at it with curiosity coming at it in a gentle way, coming out 1111 00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:06,240 with communication. Intentionality. 1112 00:49:06,240 --> 00:49:07,960 Intentionality of all these things. 1113 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:09,240 Really, really helpful. Yeah. 1114 00:49:09,600 --> 00:49:10,320 Cool. All right. 1115 00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:11,840 Well, that's clumsy conversations. 1116 00:49:11,920 --> 00:49:13,520 Right, we was. We clumsied through it. 1117 00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:16,360 We did you right. I might pull together one day 1118 00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:18,720 blooper reel of this episode and. 1119 00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:20,400 The joys. Then you will see all. 1120 00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:22,080 Right. Thanks guys, Guys.