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That'd be awesome anyway, on this episode we are going to be.
If you listen to the full episode, Amy ran us through a
reality check corner. Now, this is something that
we've really wanted to put into practise here that we don't just
come and share things or just bring information.
We actually want to be doing a lot of these exercises with you
on these chatter episodes. So we're going to be doing that
a lot today. And we brought up three
different areas of the reality check corner and this is
something we want to do semi regularly as well.
And so again, feedback, if this is something that was helpful
for you, we'd love to do that. But also we'd love for you to
write into like if you've sat down and gone through these
things, send them to us. It can be anonymous, that's
fine. Like we won't share that with
anyone if you don't want us to. Yeah, absolutely.
We just want to be seeing what you're doing and Bunny is just.
Funny what is going? On the action.
She's just like nudging me with her nose.
I'm wondering if she needs to go outside.
OK. Well I think she just wants
cuddles. OK, fun.
So we're gonna dive right into it.
So the first one in our reality check questions here or
challenges was no, you can't hop up on the that's the first
challenge is doing a recording a golden retriever.
The first one is the reflection prompt.
OK, so just reading these notes that we had here from the full,
full episode, think about your last three disagreements.
What's the common denominator in all of them?
What's the one thing you personally do that keeps them
loop these loops alive? Sit with that for a second.
So I'm going to start because I, I reflected on this in just
before and I reckon my 3:00 and it's it's hard to put like a top
three. I just did three, right?
So because I feel like I had more than three, So I just.
You talking about the last three disagreements?
What maybe that's what I did. Yeah, okay, I, I tried to look
through, I read that has three disagreements and like what's 3
denominators? But I don't know why I just read
that differently. But anyway, I come up with
three, I come up with three different things.
I'm going to say it anyway. Maybe that's one of that common
denominators is not looking for. No.
That's mine. But I was gonna say them anyway,
'cause now I'm, I'm prepped for this part is first one is pride
or defensiveness. First one is defensiveness.
Second one is I don't actually remember now, so lucky it didn't
work that way. Third one was, how do you say
it? Like was unmet expectations or
unrealistic expectations. So I would come to a like, I've,
I've done this to you a couple of times where I'll be like,
I'll, I'll be speaking to you and you brought it up in the
full episode actually, about how like you're working on something
and you expect your partner to work on it.
Like the phone thing, right? The phone thing is an example.
I've done that to you a couple of times where I, it might be
the phone thing, like social media, Like I've turned off most
of my social media on my phone. I don't really have social media
on my phone. I look over at you, I'm like
what you saw on social media, you know, I gotta have these
specific expectations that are realistic.
Like it's my thing that I'm working on and I've got the same
expectation for you, but you're a different journey on different
things. So that's my things.
And I think so both of those though, or all of them really
come down to I'm internally having a conversation for the
pride, I mean, or I'm for the pride.
I'm kind of like, I might be. So it's for the defensiveness
might be out of I don't really understand what's going on.
I don't really understand what we're out to in the conversation
because sometimes we get lost in the conversation and the
argument. I'm like, wait, where do we will
where do we start again? And so I'm having these
conversations in my head and I'm like, this isn't make sense
making sense to me. Are you trying to put this on
me? Like, and that's where I'll go
defensiveness. I'm like, like, you can't put
that on me because you struggle with this, this, this and this.
And then so, but it's that's separate from what we're
actually talking about. And then the unmet with
unrealistic expectations. It's a game.
It's these conversations that I'm having internally, but I
haven't voiced anything to you. Sometimes I haven't even voiced
that. I've not done social media or
something. I don't remember the last one,
but I'm just saying social media because that's one we have done
before. Yeah, yeah.
So they're the ones that's mainly internal conversations
that I'm having. Is it a common denominator?
Yeah, That leads to more things. I think that's accurate for me
as well. Internal and probably that's
maybe across the board. The internal stuff that we're
navigating plays into what how we navigate conversation.
I would definitely say defensiveness for me.
I'm going to do multiple because you did multiple.
But you know better. But now I like that
conversation, defensiveness. And probably before
defensiveness is I have this ongoing conversation about what
I think you're thinking about me all the time, even if you're not
like, like, whenever you're upset or something.
And I'm like, are you OK? Are you OK?
And then sometimes I'll be like, all right, are you mad at me?
Yeah. And the problem is sometimes you
are irritated but. It's actually like genuinely,
it's very rare in those times when you're asking me, are you
OK? Are you OK?
Are you mad at me? I'm like, what, what, what,
Where did that even come from? Like that's the majority of the
time. They're not getting annoyed at
you yet. Yeah, but I, so I have this
conversation going all the time of like, he doesn't think I'm
doing enough, he thinks I'm being lazy, he's disappointed
with my choices, he's mad at me. Like that sort of thing ticks
over. And so then that's why I'm like
hyper vigilant in how you're acting.
But then when you do bring something up, then my
defensiveness is like, there we go.
So like part of it is this internal conversation I've got
going. That's just me assuming assuming
things, assuming assuming ass things.
And then, and then that's reinforced by defensiveness
because I'm like, see, he does think this, this and this or
whatever, or the same thing that you just said, like you're
saying that about me. What about these things that
you're doing? And I do, I do really struggle
across the board with misunderstanding.
So if someone misunderstands me or misrepresents me, I really
struggle with that because I just, I'm like, because I used
to more than I do now. As we've been discussing about,
I used to put so much effort into how I talked and how I
acted around people and that my like a huge portion of my energy
was spent on making sure I didn't upset somebody.
That then when I did, when someone would raise something
with me, I was just like, you have no idea how like the
misrepresentation, sorry. I'd be like, you have no idea
how much effort I put into not doing these things or whatever,
which is just, that's a problem in itself.
So then when I feel misrepresented or if I feel
like, like it's inaccurately judged or something, I get
really defensive very quickly. I think defensiveness is, is a
really easy one because if you're not the one raising
something, you're kind of like la da, da, da, da.
And then someone raises it and you're just like, but if you're
the person raising it, you can think about what it is and what
you're thinking about. And that's why it's so important
to raise things carefully and to raise things in a way that you
want the other person to succeed because you're the one with the
power in that situation. Doesn't mean that you're what
you're raising is not appropriate or whatever, but
you're the one with the power because the other person is just
about to be blindsided. So you just have to be aware
that that's going to probably be a tense conversation.
But yeah, definitely defensiveness.
Definitely this internal conversation that I'm having
that plays into it. So one on there as well.
You, you wrote down like what's the one we can be doing about it
now? What's the first steps in it?
We'll get the next one, but either way, I'm gonna bring the
way. I'm gonna bring it up for this
one too. It's it's what's one thing you
personally do that keep them alive?
If that's that's part of the question.
Yeah, right. Well, I, yeah, OK, well, this
would still be relevant for that too, though.
Is I brought something up with my boss the other day and I, I
addressed something when he mentioned it.
So I, I called him about something else.
He mentioned something and then I addressed that other thing
that he brought up, right? It wasn't the reason I was
calling for, but it was a, it was a, a bigger conversation.
And anyway, so he, he assumed that I was calling him actually
about this bigger thing. He's like, oh, well, you've just
got me so off guard. Like I'm just going straight
defensiveness because you've just got me so off guard.
I'm like, Oh, no, I actually genuinely wasn't calling about
that, but made me really and we had a good conversation about
it, but we were like, look, that's where it's important to
set up a meeting over that big topic.
Don't just bring it on the person because we naturally do
go defensive when we're not prepared and we feel caught off
guard and it's like like it feels like attack and we're like
defend, you know, like this straight away.
That was a big thing that I realised too.
And so in this in this scenario for me, I think that's pretty
much it. It's like I know that I can I
kind of like just go there, like I don't warm up.
I don't, you know, say, Hey, I really want to talk about
something. I don't prime it.
I'm just like there, like issue address it now and now these can
make you easily go defensiveness like straight away and like you
do that back for me. Like you bring up you you say I
don't even I want to talk to you about something, man.
Oh crap, here we go. But.
But at least it gives you. It gives me that little walk and
then in that moment I can work on, well, all right, I know I
get defensive, so I need to hear you out.
I need to be respectful for what you're saying.
And it gives me that buffer of going through this is how do I
want to respond? Even if I'm right or even if
she's wrong, Where do I naturally go with my thinking?
Where do I want to go with my thinking, All that sort of
stuff. It's like a 2 second thing and a
lot of things go in my head. But I think we've been talking
through this stuff for long enough now.
It's a lot faster for my plan to go through those steps.
Yeah, I think it, it shows as well that you're not just trying
to respond or, or even shows your body yourself that you're
not just trying to like react, respond, attack, criticise,
whatever. You're trying to be careful.
Even if the the way the conversation then plays out
afterwards, at least it's one indication that you're trying to
care for the other person in that process as well.
And yeah, I was just thinking that's a really good idea like
across the board to just if it's a big thing to just say, hey, I
actually really need to talk to you about the stuff you've been
doing around the house or, or I really need to talk about the
way we have been navigating the stuff going that we have to do
around the house. So can we have a conversation
about that later on? We put the kids down or
something like that? Or can we have a conversation
once I make a coffee or something that gives a little
bit of time? Isn't super like, I guess if I
came out and I was like, I really need to talk to you about
your attitude. Yeah, it's.
Probably still. Aren't.
You, it's probably still a little bit helpful cause at
least you've got a little bit of an agenda, but it's yeah.
But that's very tacky. I think I would still get
defensive, but if you. But then again, it's like,
alright, so you know, if you say to me, because this is what you
do, well, you say I need to have a conversation and you say,
well, I'm really struggling with XYZ, you know, and this is how
it makes me feel. And you go through from your
perspective. So I think it's very less like
like directed at me. Sometimes you, sometimes it goes
there. And that's where I think I'd
get, I'd get offensive. And I think that was again
through that hard time through selling the house and that
that's probably what. I didn't have as much time you.
Didn't have as much time exactly.
I think that's where then I got more defensive and and I was
more sensitive and all that sort of stuff was like, you didn't
prime me. It was the I mean, I need to
talk about this. This is it.
And I'm like, what? You know?
It's so funny though, because I'm, I'm intrigued by the fact
that you need that in return, but you don't naturally give it.
Yeah, that's interesting to me because I, yeah, I'm intrigued
by that. Well, I think everyone needs it.
I think everyone needs it and I don't.
I think it's a. Well, do you think everyone
needs it? I think some people that don't
don't mind. I feel like some people don't
mind if you're just like, I don't know, just like critical
back or I. Don't know how, I don't know
how. Again, this is not like, you
know, I'm not a professional in this space, but I don't know
how. So I'm trying to think through
people that I feel like could could fit into that category.
I still think there's an element where they're like, all right.
If you probably made that a little bit better, it'd.
Be it'd be better. It'd be better, like, it's not
like there's a need, but I think it's just a better approach.
It's just funny to me it like in genuinely curious that you your
natural is to be direct get to the point, but how you need to
receive it is so is so different.
I think this is something learned though, you know what I
mean? The receiving part, I think it's
been like, I know that I respond better if I pry myself, if I
walk through these things right. I think back in the day,
probably short like I might have been, it might have been
something that was better for me to just just hear it.
And that's what I think what we struggled with in the beginning
of our relationship. But over time, again, if I just
hear it, I just respond right. And then you, but you're not
ready for my like it's I am very blunt.
I was very blunt. So I was like, I matched forward
with, yeah, I'm actual energy. But I, I think it's down to how
you receive as well. And so it's a matter of, it's
not just a matter of how I receive, it's how I respond.
How I receive is going to dictate how I respond.
It's also to note as well, you do get it.
It isn't helpful for you if I'm too vague or if I'm too no, no,
no, no, beat around the Bush. Well.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm not talking about yeah. I'm just saying that's, that's
probably how that plays out on the flip side, like you don't.
Yeah. And I, I think probably for me,
I probably find it nicer when people beat around the Bush,
even though I know you're beating around the Bush.
You're not being like direct. But yeah, so that that might be
how that plays out for you is like, yes, I need you to prime
me, but I need it to be clear what you're saying.
Yeah, yeah. Some kind of wishy washy thing?
Now that one, great. So the next one was the simple
easy connection challenge for today.
Now I don't want to do this from in the moment, but I did take
some time before just sort of thinking through three thinking,
thinking through about you. Anyway, I saw in the hospital
recently, my work goes into the hospital sometimes.
I saw in the hospital recently, there was this poster on the
wall and it was talking about it was a it was a poster, an image
of a nurse, right? And on that on the word just
said, hi, I'm Susie or whatever it was.
I like photography, walking my dog and I like beaches.
We're more than just a nurse and talking about I think that from,
you know, this violence and stuff towards yeah, aggression
towards us and humanises. So it's like I think this is
something that's powerful about this what you're talking what
you brought up in the full episode, this exercise.
Now we're humanising people and especially if we're really
struggling with them, remembering through You're more
than Amy. If it makes sense.
Like your name? What I see?
Wife even. Yeah.
Wife like there's there's you're more than mom, you're like, So
what do you enjoy? And I was really bringing
through like trying to think through that.
I'm like, Oh, you love creativity.
I was going to say like social media, but it's like what I've
learned about you, It's you don't love one thing.
You love creativity, you love growing things.
But if you just, if you were to nail that down into photography
or social, you, it wouldn't, it wouldn't hit the mark.
It'd be like, no, you'd get over that very quickly.
It's the creative aspect of it and the growing aspect.
And that's something that I love about you is you are a Unicorn.
You are, you love giving things a go.
The other thing too is again, like, so you're more than mum,
but I love the way that you do mother.
Like, I love the way that you, you're, you are patient with the
kids and I can tell like, and this isn't something to put on
you because this is my, my thing I need to work through.
But this is a team. We're we're A-Team.
I find it so much easier when you're I love when you're calm
when I'm stressed because I, it helps me to match your energy
rather than, you know, we're both stressed and we're just
frustrated, but I feel like you're someone that I can do
that with. Like it's so that for me, I love
you in that space because I'm like, I can breathe, like Amy's
calm here. I can be calm.
That's not to put on your your shoulders, and I know that can
easily be put onto your shoulders.
And I just have to be calm. Just be calm every single time
and then that's fine. So not put it on you, but just
do it. So that's something I really
love. What was the actual question?
So it's just to look and pause. Pause for six seconds and look
at your partner without saying anything, without checking your
phone, etcetera. Look at them like you're really
seeing them, like they're not just your spouse or Co parent,
but people with dreams, struggles, and a life outside
you. And let those 6 seconds remind
you why you're with them. So me writing things in my head,
writing things down helps that exercise because I could look at
you and then I'm like, cool. But if I think through a bit, I
have to go to that thinking level.
I want to write things down, like in my head, mentally write
things down about you and help me to just see a much bigger
personality view or who what makes you like, you know, even
thinking back to you when I first met you and your smile,
like that's just something that's ingrained into my head.
Like that's the thing that just captured my attention straight
away. I think back at that moment, I
think back to our honeymoon. I think back to, well, in the
hospital, we're having our kids, like those sorts of things, and
these special moments was where I really tried to focus on.
Yeah, it's nice. What'd you do?
I did this last night while you were playing your game on the
bed and it was really interesting.
You know how like if you're like kind of blurry eyed and then you
suddenly focus in on something and it kind of it like a just
like a camera lens. It was kind of like that or like
when you just like almost like making it big picture.
All of a sudden I was just watching you and I was thinking
about the things that make you who you are.
And I was like, it's so interesting how we really do
become, we really easily put people in boxes.
And I was just spending time thinking about your, your brain
and how you work. And even when you're playing
your game, like you are very good at your game and you get
very interested in it and you learn about it and stuff and you
lead in that space. And I know it's just a game, but
it's important to you. And so I was thinking about how
you're just so naturally that way, even on your computer game,
and it was cool. And I was also thinking about
how Tom is interesting on Sorry, Blaze Boss was talking on a
meeting recently about how they were up in Rockhampton for
something and it was cool to watch.
You just lead that little interaction that you had with
some clients or that's that's enough detail for you guys.
It doesn't make any stakeholders.
Stakeholders. Yeah.
And just watching you talk about it and that he could kind of sit
back and and you just took it. And I was like, damn, it would
have been really nice to see that guy.
I know that you do. Well, this stuff.
I always have known that even before you got this job like
that, I was part of the person being like, Blair's really good
at this stuff. And so I know you're good at it
and I hear what you're doing, but just hearing someone else
reflect on how good it was to watch, you just own that space.
I was like, I wish I could just watch that.
And I do watch it from from a distance, inverted Labour.
I think it was a really cool exercise because it is very easy
to get. It's not like I sweep you into
any kind of. I don't know, like it's just
like we exist together. It's not, it's not that you
become a certain person, you're not in my brain.
It's just that I don't spend much time like looking at you
and just being like, hello. We just kind of exist in our
routines are so like we're so dependent on our routines with
the kids and stuff like that, that it's not easy to find that
space. Even on date nights we struggle,
like we go out and we struggle for the first hour, something to
really like just be with each other and then finally, and then
it's always really lovely when we get that time.
So I thought it was a really special experience.
Exercise. Nice.
It's funny to me that you had to write stuff down mentally.
Yeah. And I had to actually just look.
I needed to look at you and do that.
Yeah, Right. And look like a creep on the.
Bed. Yeah, I was busy.
I was from the last one here. The future pace exercise.
Quick and not awkward. Imagine that in six months your
communication has completely transformed.
When you talk, you both feel seen, understood and respected.
How does that change your day to day relationship?
Now ask yourself, what's 1A small thing you can start doing
today to move, to move toward that future that.
You read the future pace exercise quick and not awkward
because that's my note to myself.
Now you guys know it's quick and not awkward.
So this, this is something that you just, it's really helpful to
feel the feelings of where you want to go.
And we don't do that very often in life.
It's a huge tool in coaching because if people want to move
towards a goal or achieve a certain thing, an outcome or
whatever, if you are just kind of not really sure what it's
going to feel like or what it's going to look like, you're never
going to get there. That's that's not an effective
way of navigating. And they talk about how sports,
like golfers, for example, sportsmen, they spend time
thinking about feeling like preparing themselves, what it
would feel like to make the perfect hit or whatever you call
it in golf. And they literally visualise
that like that's what they do in those seconds before they are
doing their shot. I just feel like like.
I had no golf enough either. Anyway, because you're like so
much more likely to make the goal.
I know it's not a goal if you have visualised where you're
going and you know what that feels like and you know, because
even your muscles with singing, sorry, I'm going on a bit of a
tangent here, but with singing, if you visualise the sound
without making a sound, there's a way to rehearse.
If you can't for some reason make noise, you can actually
just visualise and like picture making that sound and your vocal
cords will adjust to it. So even though you're not making
a noise, it's actually an effective way to rehearse or get
a key. If you're like, you can catch
the key in your brain, Yeah, like get ready for it.
But if you have to come straight out on something.
So anyway, all of these things are why visualising, picturing,
like embodying the feeling of what you're working towards is a
helpful thing because it helps you stay on track with that.
And so this exercise is to do that you, you have a goal in
whatever it is you're, you're pacing yourself for there.
So your future pacing, your future pacing, what you want
your communication to look like, what you want your relationship
to be in six months time after you've worked really hard on
this. And so you're picturing what
that feels like, how you interact, what it would look
like, how it would change the family dynamics, literally how
you would walk past each other in a hallway, how you would tell
each other about your day. Like you're picturing all those
details to feel them in your body now so that it can help you
and your body now in achieving those things.
So yeah, I think I haven't actually done this exercise.
Well, this is like where I think for us, we're going to change a
little bit here because this podcast was definitely one of
those things, yeah, one of those steps to help us in this
direction. The next step of that for us has
been this literal episode. So this corner, what is?
It reality check. Reality check, yeah, I shouldn't
know what the name is, but that's the next.
That's, that's step #2 for us actually, because so we've been
doing this podcast now for a little bit and we're, you know,
been getting, learning a lot from and having a lot of common
conversations, but now we're actually applying those
conversations. So that's what this is.
That's why we're not cheating because this is how we're being
intentional with it. But we don't have a Step 3
because we're just introducing Step 2.
We do, we do have to do this sometimes to like even when
we're getting ready to start season 2.
I think it was a bit like I was a bit just not there mentally,
but we really had to kind of picture where we wanted to go
and then make it happen. And this actually, I was I was
picturing, I don't know if it was because of this or just as
my brain what I want the podcast to be like, what we really want.
I'm not even gonna say the podcast to be what we want.
Honey, we need to chat to be and like my goal or our goal is that
we will be having regular retreats with couples that want
to like spend however long a weekend, four days, whatever,
intentionally putting effort into strengthening their
relationship, turning things around and coming out of that
retreat stronger. Like that's, that would be my
goal. Like I would love for us to have
that as a part of a regular part of what we're doing here in this
community. And that like I was playing that
back of where that starts. And I think that's the reality
check corner is where that starts.
Like we start to actually see people having real life change
in their relationships. And part of that is us being
willing to challenge a bit more firmly and a bit more like
practically than we have been. Yeah.
And challenge ourselves and challenge ourselves in stepping
out in that space. And you guys are a part of that
with with the feedback and with being in this community
supporting us here. That's a huge part of that.
So we really appreciate that. Awesome, but this is the end of
today's episode. Thank you so much for doing
this. Don't forget to check out the
survey in your emails. Yes, check them out.
We'd love to hear from you guys, yes.
Thanks guys, good chat.