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Hey chatters. 
Chatters. 

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Welcome back to another episode.
Also, I noticed when I was 

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editing last week's episode, 
which was a chit chat, that you 

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called it a chatters episode or 
I called it a chatters episode. 

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Anyway, sorry guys, obviously 
that was a chit chat. 

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They don't get this episode. 
Yeah, this is just for you. 

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Kill. 
Yeah, buddy. 

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So we were diving into emotional
load on the main episode and 

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talking about what sits there 
for people emotionally in 

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relationships and in the reality
check corner. 

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We had some reflection things 
that we thought we would dive 

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deep in with you guys. 
And then we've got some other 

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questions we'll leave you with. 
Yeah. 

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So like homework, questions, 
reflection. 

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Questions. 
The best kind of homework. 

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Yeah, not the bad. 
This is like. 

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Fun homework. 
This is like, I'm so excited. 

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Homework. 
This is like those kids in class

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that just loved school that you 
know about and they're so 

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excited about these. 
Like those kids. 

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But I mean, they like say. 
Well, we weren't those kids, but

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this is how you're gonna feel 
about these questions. 

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Yeah, you are. 
All right, so the reality check 

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corner was the first one was a 
reflection prompt. 

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And the question was who in your
relationship is carrying the 

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weight of keeping the emotional 
peace, managing conflicts and 

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remembering special moments? 
Is it balanced and what is 

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something that your partner 
might be carrying emotionally? 

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Straight off the bat, it's not 
balanced. 

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So after that you carry the 
majority of this and you always 

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have and we've spoken about that
before. 

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We think, you know, a big part 
of that is upbringing. 

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You know, you see our mums at 
home and the role that they 

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played at home growing up. 
So and then the roles of our 

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dads and obviously naturally, 
I'm going to be more modelling 

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what I've experienced from my 
dad than my mom, and you're more

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naturally going to experience 
what your mom did rather than 

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your dad. 
But how we're in this stage now,

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we're actually, we don't want 
that to be the case, right? 

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Like we don't want to be that 
for our we don't want that to be

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the case for our kids. 
So I want my daughter to see, 

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you know, to learn from me. 
I want my kid, boys to learn 

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from you and that emotional 
stuff that you not necessarily 

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carry but are aware of. 
I want them to have that 

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emotional maturity and awareness
of other people. 

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But the yeah, absolutely 
majority of the stuff you you 

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carry, I feel like we've been 
definitely increasing and 

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growing that over time. 
But it's still, like I mentioned

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in the full episode before, 
like, you know, the big things 

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in this space that I'm so aware 
of is my responses to the kids 

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and my frustrations there and 
how, and I think it's probably a

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growth area for both you and I 
to continually work on. 

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Well, how do you not carry that?
And how do I be aware? 

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Like, not that I'm not aware of 
it because I'm always aware of 

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it, but how can I continually 
work forward on, you know, 

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breathing exercises and all of 
little things I know I should be

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doing but just don't do? 
Yeah, I was thinking though, 

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there's our relationships. 
Interesting, because you carry, 

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I think you carry the burden of 
how the kids are feeling about 

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general life more than I do. 
So things like birthday parties 

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and I, I'm a lot less like 
engaged with that or even family

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doing family stuff together. 
I've been thinking about this 

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recently. 
Like I don't sit there and 

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think, oh, they would just love 
this family stuff that that's 

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just doesn't enter my brain. 
I don't know if it's because I'm

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so focused on just like in my 
brain, this is what I categorise

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it as survival emotions. 
Like I'm just so focused on the 

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survival elements, the basics. 
And so I don't have capacity to 

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be like, it'd be so nice to have
a movie night together. 

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Like I just never think that 
way. 

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But you will like you'll, you'll
think about what would be nice 

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for them and what they might 
enjoy more than I would 

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naturally think about that. 
So you definitely. 

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And the other thing I was 
thinking about recently was you 

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think you have a whole element 
of emotional load that I never 

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think about, which is that you 
finance our family. 

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So whenever you're stressed 
about things, especially with 

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work, mostly about work, there's
a whole layer to it, which is 

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you're stressed because you 
provide for our family, mostly 

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financially contribute, but not 
that much. 

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And so I never think that way. 
I'm never, I've never had the 

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worry. 
And even when you've had times 

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where you haven't had work, my 
approach has been like, we'll 

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get work. 
I'm not worried about that, 

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which is good. 
Like I'm glad that I've had that

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neutral mentality to it so that 
I can support you in those 

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times. 
But I realised recently, I can't

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remember what we were talking 
about, something to do with work

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and. 
And you were talking about how 

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if I don't have a job, we don't 
have money. 

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And I was like, well, yeah, 
that's something that you carry 

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emotional load in that I, it's 
not even in my frame. 

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Yeah. 
That's probably more of a mental

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load thing rather than 
emotional. 

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Like I can kind of disconnect 
from that, but it's like, you 

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know, it's, it's always because 
we, we went off contracts, 

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right? 
And, and grants, that's how our 

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organisation runs. 
And it's sort of this thing 

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where it's like, you know, and 
This is why I kind of want my 

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mind more over the 
organisational finances, like 

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I've mentioned to you is because
it's like, well, that impacts 

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our family. 
If we lose grants, if we lose 

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contracts, it we lose house. 
You know, that that's where my 

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mind goes to. 
And that's exaggerating, but 

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it's, it is where my mind goes 
to. 

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It's like it is an added 
pressure in that space of like, 

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yeah, I'm, I bring in the money,
like, and I need to take that. 

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And that's where I think a lot 
of guys do struggle. 

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Like they'd have been working, 
especially in the stage of life 

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where we are, where you've been 
more staying at home with the 

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kids as you needed to. 
Yeah. 

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And that's a lot of stress that 
guys bring. 

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There's a lot of work stress 
that comes into the home because

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it's tied down to all those 
extra things. 

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But we're in this sort of day 
and age now where a lot of women

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are working more now too. 
So I was like, which is great. 

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But then it's this again, we've 
seen our dads have that role, 

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we've seen our mums have that 
role. 

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And now it's just relearning of 
like, well, now we're both in 

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that role. 
So what does that look like? 

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And that's, that's the learning.
Yeah, together. 

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And we actually switched roles 
for a time, which was I think it

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was a really good. 
Example And I think that was 

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really good for us too, for me 
to get that insight into what 

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you were experiencing from being
a stay at home, right, and vice 

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versa. 
Yeah, being a stay at home dad 

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was hard. 
Yeah, a, as we spoke about in 

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the full episode, my biggest 
thing with the emotional weight 

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is that a lot of the emotional 
weight I carry is unnecessary 

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because of my anxiety. 
That's what I, I struggle with 

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that because yes, I do carry 
most of the emotional weight 

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because I make in my brain, I'm 
genuinely like, I make most of 

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the emotional weight to for 
myself. 

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So I don't know how to balance 
that well for us. 

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Yeah, yeah, that's my comment 
and. 

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I think it's, again, the, the 
more that we put these things 

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into practise, the more, more 
times we have these 

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conversations and the unpacking 
of these invisible baggages. 

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I guess, you know, I think 
that's going to be helping you 

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more and more. 
Again, I've said the first thing

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is being aware of them. 
And it's not that you're not 

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aware of them. 
It's the continual awareness, 

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the continual chipping away at 
this stuff that's going to be 

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helping. 
Yeah. 

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Like you're doing a lot of 
different things rather than 

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just this, right? 
You're doing exercises, like in 

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mental exercises, You're 
journaling. 

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You're doing all those extra 
curricular activities, if you 

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want to call it to help you 
through that. 

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And we haven't got a answer and 
anything there is a answer. 

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It's the intentionality, the 
awareness of the continual 

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growth in that area. 
And that's what it is. 

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It's like again and that's the 
pathway that you have. 

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You have a pathway, which is 
you're doing your like, you're 

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journaling exercises, you're 
actually exercising, you're 

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focusing on your health, you're 
doing all these different 

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things. 
That's going to slowly work on 

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that. 
That's the strategy. 

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Yeah. 
If we didn't have anything, 

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that's where the issue would be.
But it's like, no, you do, you 

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do have stuff and you are 
working on stuff. 

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It just takes time. 
On the iPad died Great, that's 

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right. 
I can remember. 

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Also, the next one is send a 
message of encouragement to your

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partner. 
My batch is about to go for it. 

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It'd mess up my phone anyway. 
Yeah. 

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So, yeah, sending a message of 
encouragement to your partner 

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out of the blue, I think that's 
something that we've spoken 

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about. 
Gratitude. 

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Which I think is a little bit 
harder for us because we we're 

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always, we're at home all the 
time. 

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Like, you know, I'm literally 
saying it to you while you're in

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the other room. 
But I think that's but in in 

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saying that like we can, we can 
say it, yeah. 

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But we can send it too like. 
I don't think there's anything 

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wrong with setting because it 
also breaks the norm. 

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It's, it's a special thing 
that's outside of that, but we 

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could say it as well. 
And there have been times where 

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I, I've been reminded for 
whatever reason that I need to 

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also vocalise what I'm grateful 
for, for you and for me. 

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Like I need to be training my 
muscle as well to be like, Oh 

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yeah, I'm grateful for these 
things. 

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I know I'm grateful for you, but
I don't necessarily spend much 

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time being like, what are you 
grateful for or what do you like

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about him or like what's special
about your husband? 

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And I know that that there are, 
I think at the beginning when 

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you're dating, you have more 
time to, to just be like people 

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are asking you about your 
relationship and who they are 

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and they don't know you're 
learning them. 

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Everyone else is learning them. 
There's a lot of time to 

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reflect. 
With your values, yeah. 

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There's a lot of time to reflect
on those things. 

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You're like the specifics of who
they are is the biggest thing to

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you in that process. 
They're planning to get married 

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and all the new parts of who 
they are coming out because of 

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the stress and all these 
different life stages. 

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But as you go into longer term 
relationships, I think that 

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practise fades. 
And so it is a really important 

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one to be staying appreciative 
and to be it even just letting 

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them know that you see them. 
So if they're carrying all this 

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mental or emotional load, you 
see them and you appreciate them

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even if you don't fully 
understand it. 

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Yeah, yeah, absolutely. 
And then the future pace was to 

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project, we wake up tomorrow 
magically and our partner is the

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perfect emotional support person
for us. 

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What would that look like? 
And also, what would it look 

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like if you flip the script and 
you were that perfect emotional 

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support person for your partner?
Well, I think I think it's The 

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thing is with that question, 
though, is you kind of already 

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are, but where the where the 
blockage is is my ability to 

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express those emotions. 
So it's not necessarily the 

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things that you need to change. 
It's more about the things that 

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I need to change and I need to 
grow on because I think like you

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already do it like you 
createspace for me to share. 

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It's safe. 
There's no judgement. 

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There's, you know, all those 
things. 

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And I think that's where it's 
been, you know, we've really 

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worked on that. 
So that's why I don't think I 

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could really comment on what I 
would want more in you, but I 

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think it's more about what I 
would want more in myself. 

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It's like, well, when I'm 
stressed, I don't want my stress

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to be taken out on you. 
When I'm low, I don't want my 

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low to be taken out on you. 
You know, like that's a lot of 

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me stuff that I wanna work on. 
Yeah, but there would be. 

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Things. 
Anything else different, I'm 

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gonna be offended. 
No. 

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Well. 
I've got a list and there will 

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be a lot of things that that I 
do that aren't helpful 

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necessarily. 
Even if it's over emotionalizing

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it, like even if it's too far on
the emotion because I know 

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things like me asking you what's
wrong, what's wrong. 

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So that's. 
Different though, like that 

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you're asking me what's wrong 
when there's nothing wrong and 

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then you asking me over and over
make something wrong, right, 

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That's that's the different 
thing. 

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But like when I'm actually 
struggling, feel like you, you 

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again, like I go when I 
struggle, I go internal, right, 

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because I'm a usually an 
external processor. 

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When I'm struggling, I go 
internal and you give me space 

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for that and then I eventually 
share. 

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I don't give you space. 
Well, you do. 

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You're. 
Practising giving you space for 

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that. 
Hey, I'm practising to give you 

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space for that. 
But I think you have like in my 

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in my hey, like I'm, I'm like, 
there'll be moments where, OK, 

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sure, if I had to pick 
something, give me more space 

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sometimes, right? 
Like that's me trying to find 

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something. 
Just give me some space, Amy. 

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But like overall, I think it's, 
yeah, I don't know. 

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I can't pinpoint something 
because I feel like it's we've 

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been working on it for so long 
and it's more about my mind. 

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More goes to how I want to be 
processing rather than what you.

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So flipping the script, if you 
were suddenly the perfect 

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emotional support person for me,
what would you think that looks 

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like in your brain like? 
And again, what we're unpacking 

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now is stop fixing it, you know,
understanding more of the 

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questions to ask understanding, 
you know, again, like, so that's

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a big one for a lot of people is
how do I actively listen without

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fixing and me actually feel like
I'm doing a good job in that 

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space And that's what you need. 
Because at the end of it, if I 

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just listen, I'm like, was was 
that good for you? 

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I don't know, like it feels like
so unfinished for me, you know, 

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like. 
Welcome to Women's. 

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00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:06,120
Yeah, it's just that I'm just 
like, I'm left there like it's 

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just what you need to help you 
at all. 

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I got no gauge if this is 
because you guys just need that 

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or you specifically need that 
space to just share. 

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I'm like, no, it feels 
unfinished. 

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So I think just having that 
deeper understanding and be able

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to respond to your needs better.
Yeah, how funny. 

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I feel like your brain, at 
least, I don't know if it's all 

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guys, it's just so like it's 
this or it's this. 

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They talk a lot about guys 
compartmentalising, right? 

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So box, box thinking. 
So everything is in this box. 

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And so OK, now I'm focusing on 
this box and now I'm focusing on

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this box. 
Sometimes boxes spill over and 

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that's where we get stressed and
anxious and stuff like that, but

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it's very boxed. 
Because in my mind I'm like, I 

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need, I love that practise of 
working and not fixing it. 

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But then I because you said it's
unfinished. 

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I think it is unfinished if it's
just listen. 

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Yeah, it is unfinished at the 
end. 

283
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,120
But that's where I think like I 
need to start by listening. 

284
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,040
I, I say this because I just cut
you off. 

285
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,240
I'm very aware of this right 
now. 

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Listening but then. 
But that's the first step and 

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00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,680
then then learning the next step
and stop being so complicated. 

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00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,880
Sorry, but it's it is actually 
wild to me how complicated I'm 

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00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,440
going to say women, but that's 
such a generalised majority, 

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00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,480
majority of women in every way 
and I'm talking every way. 

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00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,840
Why is this so complicated? 
I understand it because I mean 

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00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,560
but. 
We don't know how to verbalise. 

293
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:26,840
It but I don't know how to 
verbalise it I. 

294
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,720
I haven't found someone that can
actually verbalise it in a way 

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00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,720
that a guy understands. 
I think if there's an 

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00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:36,200
appreciation for the complexity 
of it, that is the best thing. 

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00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,880
You don't have to understand the
puzzle. 

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00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,600
Honestly, there's an 
overwhelming response to the 

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00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:47,640
complexity because we feel so 
I'll equipped to to be the the 

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00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,560
saviour that we want to be. 
You know what I mean? 

301
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,320
Like we want to be that rock and
stuff. 

302
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,640
But yeah, but if you think about
like a really complex, like AI 

303
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:58,040
for example, it's a really 
complex software technology. 

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00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,760
We don't understand how it 
works. 

305
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,400
We appreciate how to use it and 
what it gives us. 

306
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,760
And so there's like an 
appreciation between. 

307
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,280
It's not you understanding 
exactly how AI works. 

308
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,560
It's an appreciation that I'm 
going to let AI do its job in 

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00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,720
the way and I'm going to 
appreciate that this is where it

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00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,560
plays into place, this is how it
works. 

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00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:18,880
But I'm not going to try and be 
it or have the answers to it. 

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00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,200
And so I think if you can find 
in your relationship, because 

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00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:26,000
I'm the amazing software AI, if 
you can find a way to be like, I

314
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,080
don't understand this very 
complex brain. 

315
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,600
I think a lot of the time women 
are made to feel silly for how 

316
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,600
complex their brains are, how 
over dramatic it might be. 

317
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,360
Like it. 
Those two tags have been thrown 

318
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,080
over this stuff so much and it 
gets undermined. 

319
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,800
And that's where it's sad 
instead of it being just a part 

320
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,440
of the puzzle that you're 
working together. 

321
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,000
Like the fact that you're 
compartmentalising things is 

322
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,000
amazing. 
And that's why that works for 

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00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,280
where it works. 
If I was just like, you're so 

324
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,880
simple, You're so simple. 
Like you're so black and white 

325
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,040
or you're so like. 
Categorised as well. 

326
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:56,920
Exactly. 
It's dumb. 

327
00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:00,320
Simple minded, yeah. 
Yeah, it works together when you

328
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,720
can appreciate it. 
But once you start putting tags 

329
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,120
on it because it's not how you 
work and it becomes a blockage 

330
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:09,320
to under like understanding each
other in a way that you don't 

331
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,840
understand each other, Yeah. 
Then that's when it becomes 

332
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:12,440
damaging. 
Yeah. 

333
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,720
Cool. 
So to finish up really quickly, 

334
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,320
which we need to do quickly 
because we got school pick up, 

335
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,240
but so we've got some these 
homework questions, I'm going to

336
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,280
read to them now and then we'll 
put them up as notes as well for

337
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,360
you guys. 
But just really quickly, what 

338
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,560
daily tasks or responsibilities 
is my partner handle that I 

339
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,640
might overlook? 
And again, take your time to go 

340
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,640
through these. 
There's no rush, all right. 

341
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,160
And, and it's, I think it's a 
really healthy thing. 

342
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,000
Again, observing, asking 
questions, even if you need to 

343
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,320
take your time before you for 
yourself, don't go straight to 

344
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,160
your partner because that could 
put a mental load on them that 

345
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,560
you don't want to do. 
How often do I check in with my 

346
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,600
partner about how they're 
feeling emotionally? 

347
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,720
Are there any patterns in our 
interactions where they she they

348
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,720
seem particularly burdened or 
stressed? 

349
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,200
What are some ways I can offer 
more support to share 

350
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,200
responsibilities to lighten 
their load? 

351
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,960
How do we all currently 
communicate about emotional 

352
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,720
mental loads and how can we 
improve this dialogue? 

353
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,240
These are just starting points. 
Again, like, even if you had a 

354
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:10,080
word, that's that's fine. 
Just having something where you 

355
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,360
can do would be awesome. 
Yeah. 

356
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,560
Well done. 
Well done. 

357
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,480
Cool. 
We'll send those out to you guys

358
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,040
on Patreon. 
You can see them there and work 

359
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,880
through them. 
Use them as a reflection. 

360
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,600
You might think you're all over 
this. 

361
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,080
That's great, but it's worth 
reflecting anyway. 

362
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,160
And. 
Again, let us know. 

363
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:26,720
We wanna know if these things 
are helpful. 

364
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,640
We wouldn't be bringing content.
It is helpful. 

365
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,280
No, it's not just noise. 
Yeah, great. 

366
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,080
Good chat, guys. 
See you next week. 

367
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,040
See you. 
Bye bye.