1 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,960 Hey guys, welcome back to Another Chatter's episode. 2 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,040 Great to have you here. Amy, how are you out of 10? 3 00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:23,400 The answer is 4 Why? No I am. 4 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:26,720 I'm 8 out of 10 Blair and is little like. 5 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,040 Cheeky. Always, Yeah. 6 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,320 I'm gonna actually release. Don't do. 7 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,720 Don't do that one. And I had one for you today, Did 8 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:35,800 you? I was gonna say, Happy 9 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:38,120 Valentine's Day. Oh yeah, happy Valentine's Day 10 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,640 to you too. Did you remember? 11 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,520 I remember that it was a thing. I remember where it was. 12 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,400 Today, Happy Valentine's Day, babe. 13 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:47,320 Yeah, you too. Yeah. 14 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,440 Not Valentine's Day. No, we're not, unfortunately. 15 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,160 Well, not really, unfortunately. Well, is it? 16 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,880 Because this is a conversation that we need to have. 17 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,560 No great. Thank you guys for tuning in. 18 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,560 Amy, how you got a 10? Eight. 19 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:02,200 Yeah, that's eight. What about you? 20 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,040 Cool. I reckon I'm a 90. 21 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,320 Nice. Yeah, I, I actually thought I 22 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,600 was going to be lower, like, you know, when you go to bed. 23 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,480 So we went to bed kind of late last night. 24 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,600 Why did we go to bed late? Yeah, that's what I was going to 25 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,560 because that's why I thought I'd be lower. 26 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:16,880 But I'm actually kind of chipper. 27 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,560 But maybe maybe that's good, maybe a little bit lower because 28 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,320 I'll toddler really felt like to go there had a. 29 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,560 Hard drop off so I'm surprised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,440 So that was hard. So I totally just didn't want to 31 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,720 go to daycare today was he was really upset. 32 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:31,280 But last night I was. We we just finished the TV 33 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,440 series Narcos before. We finished the 1st 2:00. 34 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,840 First two seasons, sorry. And so we went and we were 35 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,800 looking up information about it because it's based on a true 36 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,080 story, and I clicked on this one link. 37 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,640 Yeah. And, well, you know what you 38 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:44,880 think I was. Going to I was just going to 39 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,880 talk about how you're so hooked on narcos that you keep. 40 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,600 Oh yeah, that's one thing. Is like I struggled to go to bed 41 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:50,840 because I'm like I need to know what happened. 42 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,760 What happened? But I clicked on this one link 43 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,480 and then my phone looked like like his. 44 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,840 My phone was under attack. So I closed it all down, shut 45 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,320 the phone off and then got this like malware checker thing and. 46 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,520 Everything was fine. Look like that's fine, but 47 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,960 anyway when he freaked out. Just a little PSA. 48 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:10,400 If was it in the cafe Public service now? 49 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:17,680 Thank you. If is it McAfee? 50 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,520 No, it's not McAfee. We were laughing about how that 51 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,600 sounds like McAfee, like the McDonald's cafe. 52 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,160 Yeah, MCAFE or something like that. 53 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,800 The malware. No way. 54 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,920 Yeah, check out Thing. That thing, if you have a random 55 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,400 pop up and you don't actually have that installed on your 56 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,560 phone, there apparently is a scam where they pop it up 57 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,120 pretending to be that thing. And I think that is my yeah, I 58 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,000 think it was it. It might not. 59 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,280 Even be an actual. Something something. 60 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,440 And so you clicked block and then it went freaked out. 61 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,640 Anyway, that's fine. We're OK for now. 62 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,120 We made it. We'll find out probably what 63 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,240 happens with that down the track, but hopefully it's all 64 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,120 good. Well, welcome back to honey. 65 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,760 We need a chat. This is our chit chat episode. 66 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,480 If you don't, I don't know what chit chat episodes are. 67 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,720 These are the episodes in between the full episodes where 68 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,360 we discuss a topic or something we're working on and it's a 69 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:08,440 little more practical and a little more applicable to where 70 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:10,880 we're at as a couple or something that we find really 71 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,680 important in relationships. So today you get to chit chat 72 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,360 with us. This season, we want to be 73 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,600 really intentional with not just being a podcast. 74 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,480 We're really aware that there's so many voices out there. 75 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,800 There's so many voices in the podcast space, in the 76 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,560 information space, in the relationship space, and that's 77 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,640 great. There's so much information for 78 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,920 you to be consuming, to be learning and growing. 79 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:35,640 I find myself putting a podcast in, listening to it, and then I 80 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,600 take my headphones out and then I go about my day and it kind of 81 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,080 goes out my mind. And so every now and then that 82 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,040 there'll be a nugget and I'm like, yes, that's so great and 83 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,320 it'll actually impact my life. But for the most part, I'm 84 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,960 consuming content all the time, very quickly, very fast paced. 85 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,920 And we do not want, we're not doing this podcast for the sake 86 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,240 of just being a voice view here and blah, blah, blah. 87 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,520 We want to actually be challenging people's real life 88 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,320 relationships and strengthening people's real life 89 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,040 relationships. And we're strengthening and 90 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,320 challenging our own relationship through this process. 91 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,640 And so we've been trying to brainstorm how we can we 92 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,960 introduce elements to the podcast that are immediately 93 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,840 applicable to people if they want to, that the people can 94 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:19,480 take on a challenge or take on a practical thing immediately in 95 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,480 that day to even just gently test out how things are going or 96 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,080 how they can go. So we're introducing a new 97 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,000 segment at the end of the episode, Stick around for that. 98 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,800 It's going to be called the Reality Check Corner. 99 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:33,160 And it's all about how we can take what we're talking about 100 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,320 and immediately implement it in easy, manageable, not huge, big 101 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,240 long ways. Because that's the other thing 102 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,880 for me is I'm like, I don't have time to be implementing this big 103 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,560 5 step process or anything like that. 104 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:47,160 So just quick, palatable implementation ways so that it's 105 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,000 not just a thing you've heard and you're moving on throughout 106 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,360 your day. It's a thing you've heard and 107 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,320 you're, you're challenging yourself that day to put things 108 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:55,920 in practise. So listen out for that. 109 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,520 And today we're going to be talking about something called 110 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:02,720 communication loops, communicado loops, even some people might 111 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:03,840 say. So we're going to talk about 112 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,080 some of the some of the things that you might see repeating in 113 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,520 your relationship if you keep finding that you have the same 114 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,200 argument or the same conversation, you keep getting 115 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:17,120 stuck in the same patterns, or even the unspoken arguments or 116 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,040 the unspoken disagreements, unspoken patterns that you just 117 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,200 keep coming back to. That's what we're discussing 118 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,840 today. We're discussing what they might 119 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:27,240 be and we're discussing ways that can help you break out of 120 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,680 those communication loops because you don't have to stay 121 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,640 in those loops for the rest of your relationship. 122 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,160 Encouragement in the which is the encouragement. 123 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,040 We've also got a really interesting story that I 124 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,800 stumbled upon this week that was really encouraging to me. 125 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,400 So I'm going to talk about that a little bit later. 126 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:47,000 Stay tuned for that. Just how much relationships can 127 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,680 turn around. And I think we have a bit of a, 128 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,600 I don't know, I think maybe we have a little bit of like a give 129 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,360 up mentality. I don't know what the official 130 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:58,240 phrase is With stuff like this, when we find ourselves really 131 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:02,000 deeply stuck in the same patterns over and over, I think 132 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,920 it's really easy to just be like, it's never going to get 133 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,080 better. This is how it is and not really 134 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,960 put time into being intentional to bring it around. 135 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,920 And I genuinely believe with all of my heart, and we've seen it 136 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,200 in our relationship that you can work through those times where 137 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,800 you're stuck. It's not just a matter of like, 138 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,000 this is how we are now, and we're never going to get through 139 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,160 that. So this is an encouraging 140 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,040 episode. This is an episode to encourage 141 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,720 you that if you found yourself in these patterns, these things 142 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,800 can shift. And it's really important to be 143 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,160 putting intentionality behind it. 144 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,920 Blair doesn't know much about these communication loops, so 145 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:36,560 I'm going to stick through what they might be and how you might 146 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,680 find yourself in one. So let's begin. 147 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,680 Let's do it. So communication loops happen 148 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,280 when couples repeatedly get stuck in the same argument 149 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:48,400 conversation, emotional pattern. Internal conversation is my 150 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,240 little add to that as well without resolution, they're 151 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,920 finding themselves in the same patterns of interacting all the 152 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,440 time. So spoken loops, you might find 153 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,680 out loud arguments you might find you're having is like the 154 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,600 same fights about money, parenting, intimacy, chores, 155 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,920 those kinds of things, those classic arguments that just come 156 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,400 round and round in relationships. 157 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,320 Things that you're like at the very beginning, like, oh, we 158 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,000 don't see eye to eye on this or where we don't do these things 159 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,280 the same way. And so they just kind of sit in 160 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,600 the back burner and then they come back as you go and they 161 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,640 don't really fix themselves. They just kind of sit out of 162 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,840 sight and then all of a sudden it'll come up again when there's 163 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,600 a financial strain or something like that. 164 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,360 Another one is a partner who always shuts down. 165 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,760 And we've spoken about stonewalling. 166 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,320 So it'd be the same kind of thing if there's a pattern in 167 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,560 your relationship where one partner is always shutting down 168 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,480 or both partners are shutting down. 169 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,080 And so the communication loop is that you can't communicate 170 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,400 through it because there's a stonewalling element to it. 171 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,360 You're shutting down and you're not engaging with it. 172 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,440 Or there's one who pushes really hard to have that conversation. 173 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,680 So like, especially if you've got one person shutting down and 174 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,960 another like hounder, is that the word hounding? 175 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,000 And they're just like constantly pushing at the same thing, Like 176 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,000 we need to talk about this, talk about this or pushing their 177 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,160 side. That can be a communication loop 178 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,080 as well. And apologising just to end the 179 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,200 fight, which is a really interesting one, is also a 180 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,200 communication loop. Because if you're just 181 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,320 apologising to appease me because I'm upset about 182 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:16,080 something that doesn't actually bring resolution, that's a fake 183 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,440 resolution. And it can look peaceful. 184 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,040 And especially depending on how the person does it, it can look 185 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,720 like, oh, we got a resolution. It's not really because you're 186 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,000 not internally, you haven't come around, you haven't got 187 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,800 resolution and closure in that space. 188 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,600 You've just, you've just been like, all right, whatever, I'm 189 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,320 sorry if I won't do it again. And that's not healthy. 190 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,280 And it's not actually communicating. 191 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,640 It's just a fake shiny, nice looking thing on the outside. 192 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,039 So there's also unspoken, like I said, silent loops. 193 00:08:42,039 --> 00:08:44,840 And this one I think is something I really wanted to add 194 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,760 into this conversation because I fall into these things all the 195 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,320 time. My internal world is very loud. 196 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,720 And so I'm constantly internally processing as we spoke about 197 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,400 recently, I think it was on our Chatters episode, a lot of the 198 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,200 time you're like, I don't know what's going on in your head 199 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,520 because we asked the question of like on Chatters, we were 200 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,920 saying, what would you like? Patreon episodes, yeah. 201 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,760 Yeah. What would you like to know 202 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,840 about the other gender? And you're like, I want to know 203 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,840 how your brain works because a lot of the time I don't know 204 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,640 what's going on. And that's really for me, my 205 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,440 internal world is very loud. And so you can have internal 206 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,160 unspoken loops that you get stuck in. 207 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,800 So things like, I already know how they're going to react. 208 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,160 So I'm not even going to go there. 209 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,440 I already know what they'll say. I'm not even going to go there 210 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,360 because I can't be bothered navigating that. 211 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:30,200 And I think a lot of the time that's based on fact, like like 212 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,080 isn't based on experience. So you may actually know they 213 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:37,880 often react this way, but even when it's based on experience, 214 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,560 it's a very limiting thing to be like, I know how they're going 215 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,400 to react. It's not worth it because you're 216 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,760 not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but you're also not 217 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,920 allowing yourself to process what you need and stand up for 218 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:52,880 what you need or, or feel free in your relationship to have a 219 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,640 voice. And you're also not letting 220 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:58,240 your, and then you're like carrying the bitterness towards 221 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,680 them unfairly because you haven't actually let them have a 222 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,200 voice in that either. So that's a really common one. 223 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,800 I already know how they're going to react. 224 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:08,000 So you don't bring it up. The secret resentment cycle is 225 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,560 another one where you're irritated at your partner and 226 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:14,400 you don't actually say anything. And if I'm honest, this is what 227 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,240 I've found. Resentment's a strong word, but 228 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,720 this is what I find myself falling into. 229 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,240 Like if I get hurt by something or irritated by something, I 230 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,000 wouldn't say it partially because I, I grew up with this 231 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,400 like really strong desire to not rock the boat. 232 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,280 And I don't want to say that. And I've spoken about that one 233 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,960 here before. So then, but instead, it doesn't 234 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,040 go away. Like the thing that's hurt me or 235 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,160 whatever that sits badly with me or that's irritated me, whatever 236 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:38,880 it might be doesn't go away. It just sits there. 237 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,160 And so then it's like this, like it just builds and snowballs 238 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:43,960 into lots of things. And a lot of the time we've 239 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:47,040 found that when we have a conversation, well, I've found 240 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,240 when I've had a conversation with you about the thing that's 241 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,200 irritating me, all the other little pieces just fall away. 242 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,000 Yeah. And it's not as big of a deal as 243 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,000 I thought it was. When you, like, sit there in 244 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,880 this resentment cycle, it builds and builds and it starts to 245 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,320 encompass everything. And then the reality is not 246 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,800 everything is encompassed in that. 247 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,520 So that's also an unspoken loop you might find yourself in. 248 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,160 So if you can hear this background noise, our golden 249 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,080 retriever is very upset with us because it's raining yes, this 250 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,560 morning. And she, we didn't take it for a 251 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,080 walk. So she's brought a little toy 252 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:16,960 pig in and she's chomping. She's. 253 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,880 Each and the squeaker. So that's helpful because at 254 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,840 least she's not. She's also playing the guitar 255 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,800 with her tail. Don't let me. 256 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,080 I can go out there. Ow, now she's just gonna keep 257 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,000 going. The mental scorecard game is 258 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,800 another internal loop that might happen. 259 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:34,200 And I think again, this is one a lot of people do without maybe 260 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,720 realising it. And it's tracking everything you 261 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,960 do versus what they do, but never voicing it. 262 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,680 And I think there's like this reel that, oh, it's not even one 263 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,000 reel. So many people have made this 264 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,280 reel where it's like when I decide I'm going to go off my 265 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,480 phone and be present and I put my phone down and then I just 266 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,600 stare at my husband who's on his phone or something like that. 267 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,520 It's such a like classic issue. Like all of a sudden I'm like, 268 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,680 I've been on my phone too much. I'm going to put this down and 269 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:57,920 then they're still on their phone. 270 00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,600 And so it's like. Oh. 271 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,320 OK, You just always on your phone and I feel like that is 272 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,400 such a constant thing in relationships. 273 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,320 Like I did this and this and then look at what you're doing 274 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,880 something and just even even when you're not trying to be 275 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:15,200 conscious, like you're not trying to score it up, you do 276 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,880 have a score of these things. And we've had conversation. 277 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,520 I can't think about the topics that we've had it, but I know 278 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,320 we've had conversations where we're like, I've been doing this 279 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,440 and you haven't or something like that. 280 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,640 And then the other person's like, I've been doing that and 281 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,560 you haven't. And it's just wild because 282 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,960 perception is crazy. Like you interpret things so 283 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,080 differently. It's crazy. 284 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,120 Anyway, that's one other loop. And then the last internal 285 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,520 unspoken loop is the avoidance habit, which is choosing silence 286 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,840 over potential conflict. And this is similar to I already 287 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,840 know how they'll react And also stonewalling. 288 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,960 And this is definitely something that I've had to work on just in 289 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:52,160 general, instead of actually tackling the issue or the 290 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:57,240 disagreement or the unnoticed thing, you just choose to be 291 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:00,200 silent and not. But that again, is just going to 292 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,400 build resentment. All these things are loops we 293 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,560 find ourselves in and the reason reason we find them in the 294 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,680 reason we find ourselves in those loops could be a variety 295 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,800 of things. It could be that you've had 296 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,080 really bad experiences growing up, could be that you've had bad 297 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,400 experiences in your relationship, could be that you 298 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,280 you just haven't ever learned how to communicate well. 299 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,800 There's a lot of reasons for and I think a lot of couples would 300 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,880 have communication loops that they have in their relationship, 301 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:27,840 but I think it's really important to identify what loops 302 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:31,640 you might have so that you can then do some things to 303 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,440 counteract them when you're communicating I. 304 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,120 Think it's identifiable. Also, again, we've mentioned 305 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,200 before about having that intentionality and that 306 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,080 commitment to it. So we hear a lot of, you know, 307 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,760 one, one side of the couple. How do you say that like one 308 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,000 person, the couple, one partner, like wants to address these 309 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,280 things or talk through these things and the other persons 310 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:53,680 either not really willing to see it or recognise it or just not 311 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:56,120 really committing to it. And that can be quite hard of 312 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,680 like, well, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, there's no 313 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,760 interest from your side. I'm carrying all the weight 314 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,240 here. I'm wanting to do something. 315 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,600 There's a number of different things that can feed into that 316 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,640 and we won't go into all of them because we're not experts in 317 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,880 this space, but just from what people have been sharing with 318 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,240 us. But one big thing is, again, how 319 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,800 do we bring it up with our partner? 320 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,680 And like, I think sometimes, you know, we've both fallen into the 321 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:20,440 category, gone to the trap of saying you need to do this more, 322 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,080 you need to do that more rather than again, having that five 323 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,080 year plan, right? Like that five year vision that 324 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,640 you did a little while ago about where do you want to see 325 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,520 yourself in five years? Where do you want to see that 326 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,440 relationship in five years? So doing like having an 327 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,040 intentional night like like that, like an intentional date 328 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:39,040 night at home to set the tone and to explore that I think is a 329 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:43,280 really good way to start the conversation and try and get you 330 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,520 both on board. Because I can get, it'll be very 331 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,240 rare for someone to just not want to do that at all. 332 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:51,520 Some, a lot of guys need permission and a safe space to 333 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,200 explore that rather than feeling critiqued and judged. 334 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,400 And then likewise, I'm with women as well, but I'm just a 335 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,640 guy and I speak more to guys. So I can only come from that 336 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,120 perspective. But yeah, I think setting the 337 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,800 tone is really important. There's one thing to identify 338 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:05,680 these things. Yeah. 339 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,880 It's another thing to commit to doing it and being you guys 340 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,680 being on the same page with addressing those. 341 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:13,360 Things yes and if you've just listened to this bunch of like 342 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,920 communication loops and been like, oh, that's what my partner 343 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,240 does yeah, you're falling into one of these communication 344 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:21,400 loops. You're constantly projecting and 345 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,000 not necessarily reflecting, reflecting on what you're 346 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,840 bringing to the the conversation. 347 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,480 So that that's given you your answer, maybe one of your 348 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,840 conversation loops. Can you explain just really 349 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,480 quickly what the five year plan thing was just like briefly, so 350 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,080 in case anyone doesn't hasn't heard that. 351 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,720 Absolutely. So what Amy did, did we do it on 352 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,400 an episode? I think we did it on a chatters 353 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,360 episode. I'd have been chatting. 354 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,440 Also, just a quick plug to Patreon, if you're wanting to 355 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:48,200 dig, dive deeper, dig and dive and deep deeper onto the topics 356 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,600 that we talk about, we do that on our chatters. 357 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,920 We do that as a community of people just wanting to explore 358 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,800 and to encourage and to, yeah, unpack these things and sort of 359 00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,480 give tips to each other and stuff like that too. 360 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,680 So jump over onto our Patreon and and join that that awesome 361 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,400 community over there. Essentially what we did was we 362 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,640 sat down and you just map it out. 363 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,040 Like, did you get me to close my eyes? 364 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,480 I think it was. And we're actually gonna do 365 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,160 something like this at the end of the episode, too. 366 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,880 So also stay tuned. So close my eyes and it's like, 367 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,080 well, like picture five years time. 368 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:20,000 Where do I see myself in terms of my career, my family, my 369 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,120 house, my location? Like there's a bunch of 370 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,520 different things and so writing that down and then asking the 371 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,720 question, well, what do I need to do to get there? 372 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:31,040 And that really helped with our conversations like, well, where 373 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,000 do I see our marriage in five years time? 374 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,240 It's like, so putting all of those things in there and how 375 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,600 that all fit in together was actually really fun exercise and 376 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:42,280 helping with clarity and, and prioritising and seeing actually 377 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,600 I am putting my work above my family sometimes or vice versa. 378 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,040 Well, that which is not a bad thing, but it's just like, you 379 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,320 know, just that balance and everything. 380 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,880 It just helps you get that bit more of a picture of what 381 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,120 you're, what you're aiming towards and and where you're at 382 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,200 in terms of that goal. Yeah. 383 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:02,560 And what is so wild to me is that like if you were in, well, 384 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,440 people in their careers, people in businesses, people that are 385 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,359 starting up projects, whatever it might be, you have you do 386 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:10,560 this like you strategize, you have a vision you're working 387 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,359 towards, you're clear on it, you reassess it. 388 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:14,880 If it's not working, there's like, what is it KPIs that 389 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,599 you're checking along the way to make sure you're going OK, But 390 00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:21,079 for some reason in the most important relationship of your 391 00:17:21,079 --> 00:17:24,720 life, the thing that is the foundation to how you're doing 392 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,119 in your career, how you're doing in every other area of your 393 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:28,400 life. We don't do that. 394 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,040 Like it's just like we just think you get married or you get 395 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,320 together and you just coast. That's not how the things 396 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:34,960 happen. That's not how you get stronger. 397 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,520 I think there's a misconception that if you, if you need to put 398 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,680 work in, then it's not right. That's not true. 399 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,120 I. Mean so many workplaces as well. 400 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,760 They do like team building exercises. 401 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,120 They they do like personality tests to work out how that works 402 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,360 within the team. So there's a lot. 403 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,560 Of professionals come in to talk. 404 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,240 Exactly. Yeah, you go up healing 405 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,720 workshops and all this sort of stuff which help, but in 406 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,440 marriages or relationships? So often we don't. 407 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,720 It's a second, second thing with more priority on our work growth 408 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,400 rather than our. Relationship and if we can get 409 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,000 that time in, cool. But if we're not going to really 410 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,480 go out of our way, I'm too. Tired for it again. 411 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,120 It just drops the priority down and Bonnie, I do not want your. 412 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,440 Slobbery pig, Your slobbery pig. You're bored. 413 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,080 Cool. So these communication loops are 414 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,520 damaging. They're dangerous for obvious 415 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,440 reasons. They might not feel dangerous 416 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,320 and that's that's why we're addressing this now because I 417 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:27,560 think a lot of these things can feel super innocent or not that 418 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,680 big of a deal. The issue is like you've just 419 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:33,720 said, 5-10 years down the track, these little separations that 420 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,200 you have now, these little moments that are not being 421 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,240 worked on, they're going to become big gaps down the track. 422 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,400 And unless you put that intentional time in, yes, it 423 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,320 might feel like a small thing that this is the loop you're 424 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,640 stuck in or that this is the thing you can't raise with your 425 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,240 partner because you know how they're going to react. 426 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,680 But in five years time, it's not going to feel so small. 427 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,440 In 10 years time, it's not going to feel so small. 428 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,520 So that's why it's important to address these things. 429 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,520 Now, these things are dangerous because they might make 430 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,760 feelings, they might make problems feel unsolvable, which 431 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:04,640 creates distance. So you feel like we can't get 432 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,960 over this thing. We can't deal with this problem. 433 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,440 There's this topic that just we've never been able to solve 434 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:13,360 this topic, so we just avoid it. So it can start to feel again 435 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:17,400 slowly at the beginning, it can start to feel unsolvable, which 436 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,240 just causes distance down the track. 437 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,320 They reinforce negative assumptions like they don't 438 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,840 care, they never listen. I don't know how many times I 439 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,520 have thought about I've either been in conversation with people 440 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:32,120 or I've seen people talking or on Reddit all the time, but also 441 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,280 within our relationship unknowingly to myself. 442 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:37,520 I think you should know the thing. 443 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,640 And so often there's a foundational little key missing, 444 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:44,080 which is they don't really understand what this means to 445 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,120 you. You haven't really communicated 446 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,120 this super clearly. Doesn't take the ownership off 447 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:53,520 the other person, doesn't mean that what you've done isn't a 448 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:57,240 negative thing. But until I explain to you what 449 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,840 it means to me and why it's important or why it's hurt me or 450 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:03,200 just give you that context, it's not fair for me to assume that, 451 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,800 you know, so many times that little key is missing. 452 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,880 We talked about that with Bryce in our last full episode. 453 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,520 People that just assume that's what that's what all the ROM 454 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,800 coms are based off. That's what horror movies are 455 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,840 based off. Like that's why there's stories 456 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,680 in those places is because people assume. 457 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,880 And so it just reinforces negative assumptions. 458 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,760 These communication leaps, like they don't care, they don't 459 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,960 listen, they never change. They're just going to be this 460 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,440 way forever. That's not necessarily true. 461 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,040 I think a lot of the time we haven't put the effort in to try 462 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,800 and see if it can change if they do care or given them the 463 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,800 benefit of the doubt. It also keeps both partners 464 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,760 stuck in old roles and reinforces that so that no one's 465 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,760 growing. And especially if there's like a 466 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,400 bitterness between what's being done in the house, for example, 467 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:49,920 not communicating properly, having a communication loop 468 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,680 around this is just going to keep those people stuck in those 469 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,040 places and then reinforce it, which will then cause more 470 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,720 communication issues down the track, more hurt down the track, 471 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,160 and it doesn't allow space for either party to grow. 472 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,160 I think another thing that I've wrestled with growing up is so 473 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:08,000 my father was a beautiful man, but he had some very intense 474 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,880 quirks about him. And there's a lot of mental 475 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,760 health stuff going in. But we, I used to work so, so 476 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,640 hard to make sure that nothing rocked his boat. 477 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:15,840 Like I didn't want him to get upset. 478 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,080 I didn't want him to be put out because I just, I was stressed 479 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,920 about how he would react. And I came to this realisation 480 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,440 when I was a young adult and I was stressed about it. 481 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,320 I was like, if I keep fixing this for him or if I keep 482 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,160 avoiding this for him, he doesn't have the opportunity to 483 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,280 grow. Like I'm actually impacting his 484 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,640 opportunity to grow. He's still responsible for that, 485 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,360 but I'm not responsible for making it so that he doesn't 486 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,800 have to deal with that thing. And I think in relationships we 487 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,200 can find ourselves in that place too. 488 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:47,000 Like I don't want to put them out or I don't want to get them 489 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,280 upset or they don't react well when I say this, so I don't want 490 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,600 to say it to them. And we are not responsible for 491 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,160 making sure that our partners, you don't have to face the 492 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,600 difficulties. That, that carried across into 493 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,280 our marriage as well and our relationship. 494 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,960 And you've worked really hard on that in our first episode back 495 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,920 for this season. We, you shared that about, you 496 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,720 know, during our busy time with, with, you know, between the 497 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:15,640 season breaks about how you would shut down and you wouldn't 498 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,880 say what you needed to say because you didn't want to rock 499 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,560 the boat or you didn't want to get me offside or whatever else. 500 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,120 And then in that time it helps because your patience was a lot 501 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:25,920 less. And so you're like, no, I have 502 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,960 to say this because it's, it wasn't even just a matter of I 503 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,520 need to get better at saying stuff. 504 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,120 If you didn't say it would have affected you 10 times more. 505 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,800 I. Didn't have capacity exactly. 506 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,560 Yeah. So I would have like really, 507 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,920 really weighed on you way more. So you've had to work on that 508 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,400 quite a lot. And I think that's quite an 509 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,160 important process or yeah, process. 510 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,400 I'll stick with it of, you know, what are we bringing into our 511 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,720 relationships? Like what are past hurts, past 512 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,040 experiences and whatever else. And that's where self reflecting 513 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,760 is, is extremely important journaling and sitting down and 514 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:02,560 use ChatGPT to help ask a bunch of questions to help you explore 515 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,000 that. What are the stuff that you're 516 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,960 bringing into the relationship that you don't want to? 517 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,880 Yeah. And there might be causing hurt 518 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,880 and whatever else. Because again, like, like you 519 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,080 mentioned before as well, if we're only focusing on the 520 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,720 negatives of our partners and not reflecting enough on 521 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:17,440 ourselves like that, it can be very damaging as well. 522 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,280 Absolutely. And if you're finding these 523 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:23,240 patterns or repeating, one good way and maybe semi neutral way 524 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:28,400 to go about the conversation is to explore why your partner 525 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,480 reacts that way or even more importantly, why you react that 526 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,680 way. So having a curiosity about what 527 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:37,400 it is that's in the past for yourself and for your partner 528 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,800 that has meant that these patterns come in can be a gentle 529 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,560 way to start that conversation or to start that exploration. 530 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,120 Because we don't just randomly pop up like this the way we are, 531 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,600 where the way that we are because of our experiences and 532 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,240 our personality and our insecurities and all the things 533 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,080 that play into that. And there's reasons for those 534 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,440 things. So when you can explore that 535 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,200 together, you get closer and you, you understand yourself 536 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,000 better, you understand your partner better. 537 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,280 You have a whole bunch more grace for how they might be 538 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,280 navigating things. And it just is, it's a good 539 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:06,880 activity for you guys to be connecting. 540 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,440 So these are all the things. These are all the reasons why 541 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,600 these communication loops are dangerous. 542 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,240 Everyone has communication loops. 543 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,040 Just to clarify, like if you've been listening to this and 544 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,680 you're like, oh, I've got these, does it, That's everyone has it, 545 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,080 but we don't have to be stuck in these. 546 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,240 And I think this is so important. 547 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:24,840 We do not have to be stuck in these. 548 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,800 And as we said with business and workplaces and all these things, 549 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,160 we assess and we change and we pivot and we put processes in 550 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,600 place and we bring in who we need to bring in to make those 551 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,040 changes. And it's the same thing here. 552 00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:40,120 You assess, you pivot, you, you'd be like, OK, this hasn't 553 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:43,920 worked for us, let's change it and project yourselves 5-10 554 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,720 years on the track. Where do we want to be? 555 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,760 Do we want to be like this but worse? 556 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:48,840 Nope. Cool. 557 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,160 Well then we need to actually change. 558 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,320 It's not going to change itself. We need to actually put things 559 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,600 in place to change it. I'm so encouraged by the story 560 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:59,240 that I heard last week because it's a perfect example of this 561 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,200 happening. You see, change happened on 562 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,920 small scales all the time and hopefully within your own 563 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,360 relationship you've seen that as well. 564 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,760 But I heard the story last week about someone that she'd been 565 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:12,400 in, she's been really struggling in her marriage and to the point 566 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,240 where she was at the at the point, like talking to her 567 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,160 friends about like, I don't know if I should stay with him. 568 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:21,120 Like it's so rough. Like he, he's very busy with 569 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:24,880 work, difficult in law relationships and he does not 570 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,960 help around the house. She's carrying all the weight of 571 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,720 the house. She's also carrying all the 572 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,960 weight of this difficult relationship with his parents. 573 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,720 And he's not like, you know, intervening there, helping, 574 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,320 supporting there. She's far away from her support 575 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,560 network. She doesn't even like what 576 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:41,000 they're doing for work where they are like all these things, 577 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,280 like pretty dire, horrible things. 578 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,920 And, and fair enough to be at the point where she's like, I 579 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,320 don't know if I don't know. And she's even communicated with 580 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,160 him before. You know about these things like 581 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,240 this isn't long term. We can't sustain this. 582 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,360 This is not good. I can't stay doing all of these 583 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,640 things. I can't be alone in this and all 584 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,920 this stuff like really dire position. 585 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,160 And so she was she was really at the point where like, I don't 586 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,160 know, I feel empty, don't know what the future is going to be. 587 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:05,440 I don't know if I should just leave. 588 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,720 Like I don't know what should happen. 589 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,000 And she went and visited her mom and stayed with her mom for a 590 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,320 little while. And while she was there, she 591 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,440 said to her, look, I'm really thinking about leaving. 592 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:16,560 Like, I don't know what to do. And her mom just like stopped 593 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,280 and was like calm. And she's like, you know what? 594 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,680 I think you need to spend some time appreciating what your 595 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:24,360 husband has given you and appreciating who he is. 596 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,560 And so. And when I heard this story, I 597 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,080 was like, that's a bit of a slap of the face. 598 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:33,440 Like he hasn't done much to deserve that necessarily, but I 599 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:37,320 but I was really encouraged because she said that that whole 600 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:40,360 like the whole month after that, her relationships just turned 601 00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:41,880 around. She spent time being like, okay, 602 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,200 actually he's given a lot to our family. 603 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,640 He's given me these kids, he's given me a life I never could 604 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,720 have dreamt of. You know, he provide, he works 605 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,800 very hard. He has to navigate these 606 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,400 difficult dynamics with his family and me. 607 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,200 And instead of focusing on all the things he wasn't doing, she 608 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,720 spent time focusing on the things he had given her and he 609 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,520 was doing. And also things that he was like 610 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,680 the things about him that she loved and the things that she 611 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,080 couldn't even see anymore because she was so stuck in this 612 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,920 place of desperation, Which is fair enough. 613 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,920 And what was crazy was when she started to focus on those 614 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,360 things, her mood lifted and something has shifted. 615 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,480 And now her husband has just, like, come back alive as well. 616 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,720 He's engaged with the family. They're like, in such a good 617 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,480 place. And I don't tell this story 618 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,680 because I think if you change your attitude, your partner's 619 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,160 suddenly going to become a good person. 620 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,400 And I also don't say this because if you're struggling 621 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,840 with all those things I just listed, it just means you should 622 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,240 change your attitude. That's magically going to get 623 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:37,000 better. That doesn't happen that way all 624 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,600 the time. But I was encouraged by this 625 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:41,120 because when we navigate these communication loops, there are 626 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:44,800 so many layers to them. It's easy for me as someone 627 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:48,480 hearing that story to think that husband is horrible, that 628 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:52,120 situation is horrible, and she really should leave because I'm 629 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:56,640 hearing it from from one, for one, from one perspective. 630 00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,640 And also because I'm seeing it like 2D. 631 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,320 I'm not living it. But to see how much changing her 632 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:05,920 attitude shifted it for her alone was super encouraging. 633 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,480 Because regardless of how things turned out, regardless of how 634 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,880 her relationship landed, it's still incredible for her to be 635 00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:13,200 able to have process those things. 636 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,480 And gratitude is a huge tool. It's a huge tool. 637 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:21,720 Taking space, taking a pause is a huge tool in in constructive 638 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:24,360 approach to everything. I think that's big too, because 639 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:27,280 like hearing that I'm like, oh, straight away my mind is like, I 640 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,680 mean, there's going to be some listeners like for that story to 641 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:34,360 be like, so you're saying that she needs to be grateful, like, 642 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:38,240 and, and I think just to clarify, what you're saying is 643 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:41,320 that if we only focus on the negatives, we're going to focus 644 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,800 on the negative. So not to roll over and accept 645 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,200 the bad treatments that you get. That's not what you're talking 646 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:47,720 about. What you're talking about is 647 00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,080 like, all right, if you actually want to make this work, if you 648 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:53,360 haven't been able to identify the goodness from that person 649 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:56,320 and focus on that for a bit, like explore that. 650 00:28:56,320 --> 00:29:00,480 Like, you know, how am I just like, now looking at you, for 651 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,080 example, we made this more relatable. 652 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,160 Am I looking at you and just identifying all the things I 653 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:05,960 struggle with? If that was the case, I would 654 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:09,680 get so toxic so fast and I would struggle with you so much. 655 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:11,200 Yeah. But you're saying is if you 656 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:15,640 focus on the good as well, like have a good focus there, it does 657 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:18,800 really, really shift our approach to the circumstance, to 658 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,720 the relationship. And it helps you actually assess 659 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,880 that properly rather than I'm only focusing on the negative. 660 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,360 It's going to be a negative relationship. 661 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,760 If you can see the positive in it and it outweighs the negative 662 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:32,080 and it's so healthy, that's great. 663 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:34,920 Yeah, exactly. And I don't know this person 664 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:39,040 well enough to know the intricacies of how accurate her 665 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,920 story side is versus his story side or any of those things. 666 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,560 And I'm not even going to try and pretend like I could make 667 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,480 that up. But exactly what you've said, 668 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:50,600 you shifting your your approach to things, being stuck in that 669 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:54,760 place where you cannot find a different perspective or you 670 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:58,560 can't find gratitude or you can't find space, even mentally 671 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,080 means you're stuck in a loop. You're stuck in some kind of 672 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:04,440 loop, either a deeply hurt loop because of literal things that 673 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:07,120 have happened to you, or this built up loop that we talked 674 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:10,160 about earlier where everything is snowballing and actually not 675 00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:12,560 everything is as bad as it seems, but there's like a big 676 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:15,440 communication gap from something that you've worked on. 677 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:17,160 There was a few things I loved about it. 678 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,240 One was she changed it for herself. 679 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:22,320 She didn't change it for him and then he's stepped up to the 680 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:23,680 plate. So obviously something is 681 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:26,400 healing in how they're communicating now, which is 682 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,520 beautiful. She changed it for herself, 683 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,240 which she deserves to change it for herself regardless of the 684 00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:33,400 outcome. Because who wants to go through 685 00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,640 this horrible situation, not have it be a positive outcome in 686 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:39,840 the end, and then also have all this built up resentment, this 687 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,000 this clogged up mental space going on. 688 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,800 Like, you being able to work on those things is so beneficial 689 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,680 for yourself and for your kids and for the people around you, 690 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,520 regardless of if the outcomes what you want it to be. 691 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:54,680 The other thing I loved was that her mom, like, encouraged her to 692 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,320 take a pause and reflect. And it would be so easy as a 693 00:30:57,320 --> 00:31:00,360 mom, like hearing the story. I would be like, yeah, leave 694 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:01,600 him. How dare him Like you? 695 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:03,600 Just have so much better. Yeah, exactly which which 696 00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:05,720 obviously we're going to feel that about the people that we 697 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:07,120 love. But I love that she was like, 698 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,360 you take this time and pause and reflect. 699 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:12,560 I think that's so healthy and constructive. 700 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:14,920 Again, regardless of the of the outcome. 701 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:19,000 But the real reason I want to share this story is this is an 702 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:21,760 example of how relationships can turn around. 703 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,920 Like you can see this is an extreme example and a very quick 704 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:29,200 example, but you can see massive change in relationships by just 705 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,240 putting little places and things in place. 706 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:34,800 And you do not have to be stuck in the same loops going on going 707 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:36,680 forward. So we're going to talk a little 708 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:40,160 bit about some tips on how we might navigate switching some of 709 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,120 these communication loops. Absolutely. 710 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:45,680 So first one and Amy's going to explain them. 711 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,520 I'm going to read the titles because I have a special role. 712 00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:50,920 Pause and reflects before reacting. 713 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:53,280 Yeah. So this is a really 714 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,640 straightforward 1, and we've spoken about this before. 715 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:59,960 I think taking, taking some time before you react, pausing and 716 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:03,160 and reflecting before you react, especially if you feel like the 717 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,120 argument's brewing, If it's a communication loop and you know 718 00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,960 you can feel it brewing, you're like, no, here we go, here's a 719 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,960 loop. Taking a second to pause and 720 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,320 reflect before diving right in to that loop and asking 721 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:15,760 yourself, what's my pattern here? 722 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:18,720 That's really important too. I can feel this pattern coming 723 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,600 back. What's my pattern in this 724 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:22,720 pattern? And just reflecting before you 725 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,480 respond. An example is, do I always get 726 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:27,480 defensive or do I always shut down? 727 00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,240 Yeah, just taking that time to reflect before you just jump 728 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,120 right into the pattern again, because breaking a loop is done 729 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:39,240 very simply by pausing, not letting it just keep going like 730 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,720 this, pausing and reflecting before you keep going. 731 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:45,800 Yeah, I think the last episode we spoke about like taking that 732 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:49,000 5 second breath before reacting. So it's like, right? 733 00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,360 Yeah, we were talking about knowing what your partner wants. 734 00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:52,560 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 735 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:56,440 So taking a 5 second pause before oh, that's right, in in 736 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,160 fix it mode, fix it mode, yes, rather than. 737 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,320 So for me, rather than going strange to fix it mode when 738 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,120 you're trying to share something with me, I take that 5 second 739 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:06,880 pause to think through it like all right, what is needed for me 740 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:09,320 in this situation? And the response is usually 741 00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:12,120 asking the question how do you to respond in this situation? 742 00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:15,000 And the second tip is change the script. 743 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:18,600 Yeah, so similarly to the first one, but if you always respond 744 00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:21,160 in the same way, then change it up. 745 00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:25,160 If we, I think the definition of insanity is trying doing the 746 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,240 same thing over and over and expecting a different result. 747 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,280 And it's the same thing here. If you keep finding the same 748 00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:32,760 loop happening over and over, change it. 749 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:36,320 Like change up how you react and so change how you respond. 750 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:39,720 An example is saying instead of saying you never listen, try 751 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,520 saying I really need to feel heard right now and I love that 752 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,160 shift. I feel like that's such a small 753 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:47,880 shift for the same story, like it's the same point you're 754 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:52,520 making, but in a gentle way that is like a bit more enabling. #3 755 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:55,920 is Bonnie just moved these stop points for me? 756 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:59,320 She just wants attention. Try the thankfulness reset. 757 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:01,560 Yeah. So like we spoke about in that 758 00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:05,480 story earlier, trying to appreciate your partner. 759 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:08,080 So write down three things you appreciate about your partner 760 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,880 every day for a week. I've done this challenge before. 761 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,040 As I said, it wasn't with flair, but it was really helpful. 762 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:18,159 It was because if you can't find gratitude, and gratitude is 763 00:34:18,199 --> 00:34:21,600 helpful for the other person in terms of you've got a more 764 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:24,520 gentle approach and you're appreciating them, yes, I feel 765 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,320 like it can be misunderstood to be all about the other person. 766 00:34:27,679 --> 00:34:29,760 It's actually really important for your body. 767 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:34,800 Resentment or a lack of gratitude in your body causes 768 00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:37,000 physical changes and causes physical damage. 769 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:40,679 So it's really important for you and for your own mental health 770 00:34:40,679 --> 00:34:43,360 to be finding gratitude. If you're not finding yourself 771 00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:46,880 not being able to interact with your partner in a way that is 772 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:51,239 grateful for anything, who you are, who they are, where you're 773 00:34:51,239 --> 00:34:54,920 at, whatever that is, trying a thankfulness reset and genuinely 774 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,320 every day trying to note down things you're thankful for can 775 00:34:57,320 --> 00:34:59,920 be really important for switching that up and noticing 776 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:02,520 the good actually changes how you interact with them. 777 00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:05,440 And like we said, these communication loops and 778 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:10,080 relationships are layered. So yes, they may be doing some 779 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:13,720 really not helpful things in a relationship, but there's so 780 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:15,280 many layers to how you're interacting. 781 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:19,560 And if you're noticing of the good changes how you interact 782 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:22,880 with them, you have no idea what the on flow could be from that. 783 00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:26,080 Next one is and I love this one. We say this a lot, but ask a 784 00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:28,360 curiosity question instead of assuming. 785 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,400 Straightforward instead. Have an attitude of curiosity. 786 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:34,160 You know, and everything. And we, we said this, we repeat 787 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:36,320 this quite a lot. So if I'm struggling with 788 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:39,840 something like, you know, you ask me a question of like, well, 789 00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:42,000 what Like what are you thinking? What are you going like? 790 00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:45,440 It's a lot more than accusing as well. 791 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,560 So it's, it's this is assuming, which I think is good too, 792 00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:52,040 because I think a lot of the time, right, like I, I'll like, 793 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:54,640 if you're, I feel like you're low or something, I'll be like, 794 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,280 Oh, I, she's low. I can't talk about it. 795 00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:58,200 She doesn't want to talk about it. 796 00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:01,120 She just wants me to be quiet. Like, you know, if I leave in 797 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:03,320 that space and then you're probably thinking, why isn't he 798 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,600 asking me any questions? Why isn't he caring in this way? 799 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:08,480 Why isn't he curious in this way? 800 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:10,960 Why is he engaging? So yeah, having an attitude of 801 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:14,120 curiosity. So for example, I had a 802 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:17,400 conversation with someone recently where their partner is 803 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:21,160 disconnecting quite a lot at home and it's like, all right, 804 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:23,040 cool. Well, like, and again, it's 805 00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:24,480 assumptions. They don't care. 806 00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:25,800 They don't want this, they don't want that. 807 00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:28,880 But I'm like, I can guarantee there's something a lot more 808 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:32,440 going on for them then they just not like just don't want to be 809 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,760 there. Like that's not that's not from 810 00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:37,600 my perspective what it would be. But we don't know until we. 811 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,040 Ask. Yeah, exactly. 812 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,720 And like we spoke about earlier, the curiosity behind why you 813 00:36:43,720 --> 00:36:46,880 interact these ways, This is the example that we've got here is 814 00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:49,200 can you help me understand why this is important to you? 815 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:54,720 Understanding what motivates or what brings your partner and or 816 00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:58,440 you most importantly actually to that place is is really 817 00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:02,560 important and can be a really nice easy way of kind of easing 818 00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:04,920 into that conversation rather than like you always do this or 819 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:06,760 something like that. Yeah, so. 820 00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:09,120 In a different sense too, like I've, I've actually started 821 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,400 doing this with my boss, right? So he'll give me a task or 822 00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:14,320 something. I, I don't really get it. 823 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,240 And a lot of times like I'd be like, I would go away. 824 00:37:16,240 --> 00:37:18,560 Am I cool? I'll say, alright, I heard you. 825 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:20,560 And I go and do it. I'm like, I know what to do. 826 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:22,440 Is this what he wants? And I'm spending more time 827 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,080 trying to figure out if I'm doing what he wants me to do 828 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:27,320 rather than clarifying that from the beginning. 829 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,400 So I asked the question of like, all right, so just so I get out, 830 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:33,360 what is the purpose of this? Like, why are you wanting this? 831 00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:36,440 So he told me what he's wanting, but I need to find out why he's 832 00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,040 wanting it. And that's really shifted my 833 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:40,800 confidence in what I'm doing, too. 834 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:43,760 There's a lot of guys as well. They share about how, you know, 835 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:45,760 I'm doing what they've said, and it's not enough. 836 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:47,680 It's not enough. And it's like, I think we missed 837 00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:49,720 the why. Yeah, like why do they want that 838 00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:51,360 to be done? Why is your partner actually 839 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,360 asking that of you? Maybe they're feeling neglected 840 00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:55,800 in some way. Maybe it's like the mental load 841 00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,360 stuff they're feeling and, and there's a lot of things in that 842 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:00,840 place. So asking in, in not a smart 843 00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:02,320 way. I don't be like, why? 844 00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:05,560 Why do I need to do it? Yeah, but like, no, genuinely 845 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:08,960 like I just so I, I, I hear you correctly, 'cause I wanna do 846 00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:10,920 that. Like, why is this important to 847 00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:12,480 you? Because I, you know, it should, 848 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,600 might be obvious. It probably should be obvious, 849 00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:16,320 but for me it's not. And I think that's probably 850 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:18,000 another big thing too. And I'm gonna finish this ramp 851 00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,760 very, very quickly. But for a lot of guys, if they 852 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:23,880 feel like you, you know, so sometimes, and again, probably 853 00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:25,720 women too, but I can't speak from that perspective. 854 00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:29,880 If you came to me, Amy, and you said I want you to do this, and 855 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,560 I'd ask you why. And your attitude is you should 856 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:35,800 know, like you should know this. That's going to throw me 857 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:38,360 straight away because it's going to make me feel dumb, right? 858 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:41,480 And it probably is dumb. I probably should know this, but 859 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,200 the fact is that I don't. And what's more important is 860 00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,080 that, you know, and that's a question. 861 00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:48,720 What is more important in this scenario is that you make me 862 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:51,200 feel dumb and you just disgusted in me. 863 00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:54,280 Roll your eyes. Or that response or the fact 864 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,280 that we actually deal with this situation, this at hand. 865 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,760 You know what I mean? Like that's that's the more 866 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:01,560 important thing. So for you giving me that space 867 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:07,200 to ask that question and to be dumb and to be vulnerable is 868 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,080 really important for me to ask that question to truly 869 00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:12,480 understand what it is that you're wanting from this rather 870 00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:15,840 than for me to just do a task. You know, if if I didn't do 871 00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:18,320 dishes and you said to me, can you just do dishes? 872 00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:20,840 Well, that's not the dishes aren't the end of it. 873 00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:22,720 You know, I mean, I'll start doing dishes, but then you'll be 874 00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:25,600 cranky about something. Not not that you do this, but 875 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:27,400 you might be cranky about something else, right? 876 00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,400 And like I'm doing all the things you're asking. 877 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:30,720 What do you want from me on this? 878 00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:32,520 Like the mental load that would be the answer, yeah. 879 00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:33,640 Like it'd. Be mental load it's. 880 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,520 Why do I have to tell you every time that you do these things? 881 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:39,640 Yeah, that's so true. And the question of instead of 882 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:43,000 being like, you should know this, like, what do you want out 883 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:44,720 of the situation? What's the result that you want? 884 00:39:44,720 --> 00:39:47,360 Is the result that you want your partner to be like, I should 885 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:49,360 have known those things. I don't know these things and I 886 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:51,560 should know them. Or is the result that you want 887 00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:54,440 that you guys get closer? And I think that tiny shift in 888 00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:57,880 mentality can be huge. Yeah, and I can, I can be like 889 00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:01,800 very real here. I did not know how to treat 890 00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:04,800 women for the longest time. And I still, I'm still learning, 891 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:07,880 obviously, but it honestly, there was something that 892 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:11,680 triggered for me. I was like, you know, I was so. 893 00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:14,920 So clueless, I hurt women, I offended women, I was 894 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:18,440 inappropriate with women because just did not get it. 895 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:20,480 I didn't know what I didn't know. 896 00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:22,080 Like I didn't know that was wrong. 897 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:24,760 I didn't know that it was, you know, you don't do that. 898 00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,280 And it really took. And so for me, a big shift was 899 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:29,760 happening. I was listening to this sermon 900 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:33,560 series on on song of Solomon's in in the Bible and and it was 901 00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:35,160 real. It's really about marriage. 902 00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:38,120 And this couple is really freaky Nicky stuff in there too. 903 00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:41,520 But, you know, and it just shifted and it was so apparent 904 00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:45,320 to me how little I knew. And that just was the start of 905 00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:48,680 my wanting to know like I'm like, I don't want to be like 906 00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:51,000 this guy. I want to be the best husband I 907 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:52,480 can be. I want to be the best partner I 908 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:53,840 can be. I want to be the best dad, all 909 00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:56,480 that sort of stuff. And that was the setting of my 910 00:40:56,480 --> 00:41:00,680 trajectory to get better. Like I, you know, again, long 911 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:03,560 way to go still. But for the guys that are 912 00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:05,720 listening, like, I think it's one thing is like, all right, 913 00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,560 just be aware that you don't know. 914 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:09,760 It's OK. If you're aware that you don't 915 00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:11,160 know you want to do something about it. 916 00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:14,840 There's not OK if you sit in ignorance and not like assess 917 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:17,560 that and, and look at that and look at yourself in that way and 918 00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:20,560 be willing to actually improve. That's what's probably not OK. 919 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:22,560 But just wanted to put that out there. 920 00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:25,000 I don't want to be coming in preaching at this like you 921 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:28,120 should do this sort of stuff. There was a time where I was 922 00:41:28,160 --> 00:41:33,440 absolutely terrible, like I have shame around this area of my 923 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:35,960 past. And so I just want to put that 924 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,840 out there for those that are listening and, and might feel 925 00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:39,640 similar. Yeah. 926 00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:44,520 And I think on a, on a like even broader scale, all of us don't 927 00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:46,680 know what we're doing until we are doing it. 928 00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:51,440 So I think especially in in marriages or relationships where 929 00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:55,600 like the, I feel like girls are just raised as we've spoken 930 00:41:55,600 --> 00:42:00,400 about before and really speaking to be a little more emotionally 931 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:05,160 connected and a little bit more emotionally like tied to how 932 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:09,560 family dynamics go. Also generally speaking, raised 933 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:12,360 a little bit more aware of things that need to be done 934 00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:14,040 around the house or like, I don't know, there's just 935 00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:16,200 something in how girls are raised versus boys. 936 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:17,480 Well. I think it's this change and I 937 00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:19,880 think this culture is changing. But back in the day, I mean, 938 00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:22,040 because what we inherit all those things, right? 939 00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:24,840 So back in the day, like the men would go to work, that was their 940 00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:26,640 job. Women would stay home, that was 941 00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:29,400 their job back in the day. And now that's shifting. 942 00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:32,280 That takes time for that culture to shift because we see like we 943 00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,240 follow, we naturally follow what we've seen in our parents, 944 00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:37,520 right? So then that is now shifting and 945 00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:39,720 we're the ones that are shifting it for our kids, you know, but 946 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,720 but it that shift takes time because again, like, I don't 947 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:45,520 naturally see what you naturally see because I didn't see that. 948 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,800 But that's the clarification I'm making is I don't naturally see 949 00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:51,160 it because I just was born naturally seeing it. 950 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:54,080 No, even even people that are. So if you're looking at a 951 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,600 relationship, yeah, if you're looking at a relationship and 952 00:42:56,600 --> 00:43:00,600 it's out of whack in terms of what someone is capable of, I'm 953 00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:03,080 putting Bunny ears with that. That person that's the more 954 00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:06,440 capable person wasn't capable in that space initially. 955 00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:08,680 They had to learn too. And I feel like especially when 956 00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:11,760 you become parents, I saw this a lot in the parent groups. 957 00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:13,160 The early parent groups are a part of. 958 00:43:13,720 --> 00:43:17,040 A lot of dads, generally speaking, did not know how to 959 00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:18,880 look after their babies the way that the mums did. 960 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:21,480 And you could see the systems and that's what that Blair's 961 00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:23,760 whole work is around this. But you could see the systems in 962 00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:27,000 place that helps bring mums up to speed on how to raise a kid. 963 00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:29,760 And obviously things like breastfeeding, that kind of 964 00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:34,360 thing, like gave them a, a very, very swift entry to that point 965 00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:37,040 too, that dads don't have. But anyway, there's these 966 00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:39,960 systems in place that brought moms up to speed, but the dads 967 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:41,840 were left behind. And so then there became this 968 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,160 massive gap because the dads are like, I don't know how to do 969 00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:45,280 that. And you know how to do that. 970 00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:49,000 So I'm not going to try, but there's an attitude between the 971 00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:52,200 couples that was interesting to me because for one thing, the 972 00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:53,280 dad would, I don't know how to do it. 973 00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:54,600 I don't want to feel dumb like you've said. 974 00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,000 So I'm not going to put myself out there. 975 00:43:56,320 --> 00:44:00,200 Then also, a lot of the times the mom would be like expecting 976 00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:05,000 them to know what to do and, and when they miss things or when 977 00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:07,000 they didn't want to try or when there was some kind of 978 00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:09,840 insecurity playing out. The frustration at that, which 979 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,640 is just contributes. Is it? 980 00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:14,000 It's a massive mess basically is what I'm trying to say. 981 00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:17,760 But the encouragement in that is none of us knew what we were 982 00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:19,920 doing until we started to learn what we were doing, even if it 983 00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:22,960 was just from childhood and we were kids raised in this space. 984 00:44:23,240 --> 00:44:26,480 Yes, we've got the upper hand in terms of being we've been doing 985 00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:28,200 it longer, but we still had to learn that. 986 00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:31,760 So if you're in a relationship and there's a mismatch in that 987 00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:34,720 space and you're and you're the one that's like, I just feel 988 00:44:34,720 --> 00:44:36,760 really stupid that I have to learn these things now. 989 00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:39,480 Like it feels like such a general tiny thing and I don't 990 00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,480 even want to go there because I just feel stupid to have to 991 00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:45,720 learn how to look after a house when I'm 30 something years old 992 00:44:45,720 --> 00:44:47,880 or something like that. We all had to learn those 993 00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:49,600 things. So there's so much grace there. 994 00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:52,000 I'm trying to encourage that this is possible. 995 00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:55,320 I'm encouraging the people that feel incapable in that space. 996 00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:57,560 It's possible for them to learn. Everyone had to learn. 997 00:44:57,880 --> 00:45:00,880 I'm also trying to encourage and challenge the people that 998 00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:06,200 already are functioning in that space to have grace and a gentle 999 00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:08,280 approach to bringing them into that space when there's 1000 00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:10,920 willingness to learn. Because that will be the biggest 1001 00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:14,360 thing, the fastest way to get people more on board and get 1002 00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:17,120 people more enabled in that space. 1003 00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:19,080 Rather than having kind of an attitude of you should have 1004 00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:20,640 known you should be able to do this. 1005 00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,360 Yeah. And the last one is. 1006 00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:27,640 Make our repair attempt early. Yeah, and this is really, really 1007 00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:29,160 practical. So I love this one. 1008 00:45:29,720 --> 00:45:32,000 Basically, when things start to get tense, when you see that 1009 00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,400 slippery slope heading towards that communication loop, a small 1010 00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:37,520 repair attempt can stop it from escalating. 1011 00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:40,800 And a repair attempt is a small thing that you're putting out 1012 00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:44,120 there to see if you can, like, quickly put a little fix in 1013 00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:46,440 things like a quick joke, lightening the mood. 1014 00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,400 Be like, all right, we're getting there, let's lighten the 1015 00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:50,400 mood. Or physical touch, if your 1016 00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:53,000 partner responds well to that. Just to clarify, some people 1017 00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:55,720 would be really not happy for physical touch in that time. 1018 00:45:55,720 --> 00:45:59,400 Yeah, especially depending on the topic, saying things like, I 1019 00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:01,520 know we're both frustrated, but I love you and I want to work 1020 00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:03,280 this out. And we've seen that before as 1021 00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:04,480 well. Like there's been times where 1022 00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:07,080 we've been like starting to loop and then it's like, I love you. 1023 00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:10,320 I want, I want to talk through this and find a way through it. 1024 00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:13,200 And sometimes that includes being like, right now is not a 1025 00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:14,920 good time to do that. Let's come back to it. 1026 00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:17,320 So those are some of the practical ways that you can 1027 00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:19,800 break free from some of these communication loops you might be 1028 00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:23,000 finding yourself in. There are things you can you can 1029 00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:25,880 implement yourself or there are things you can discuss with your 1030 00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:28,440 partner and you can both be on board with implementing these 1031 00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:29,800 things as you go forward as well. 1032 00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:32,840 So just to quickly summarise, it was pause and reflect, change 1033 00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:36,480 the script, try thankful, thankfulness, reset, ask a 1034 00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:39,120 curiosity question instead of assuming and make a repair 1035 00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,400 attempt early. So that's communication loops. 1036 00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:44,800 Nice, looped it in. We're going to do a new little 1037 00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:46,600 segment now. This segment is called the 1038 00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:50,120 Reality Check Corner. So Reality Check Corner is it's 1039 00:46:50,120 --> 00:46:52,680 just kind of breaking that. I think it's 4th wall. 1040 00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:54,440 I don't know what it is, something in the theatre 1041 00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:58,120 breaking that 4th wall so that we're interacting with you guys 1042 00:46:58,800 --> 00:47:01,160 in a practical way that's going to implement in impact your 1043 00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:03,560 lives and there's going to be a few little segments. 1044 00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:07,000 We're going to iron out how that goes as we go into the season, 1045 00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:09,360 but this week we're going to start with some stuff. 1046 00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:13,800 First is a prompt that I want us to think about and I'd love you 1047 00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:17,760 guys to think about it as well because as we say often on this, 1048 00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:20,120 you can hear these things and be like, oh, that's so good for 1049 00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:22,040 this person or oh, that's so right. 1050 00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:24,920 I know this relationships like that or oh, that's an 1051 00:47:24,920 --> 00:47:26,960 interesting piece of information, but it's separate 1052 00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:30,120 from ourselves. And we really want to be 1053 00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:33,240 encouraging this curiosity we've been talking about and 1054 00:47:33,240 --> 00:47:36,400 reflecting on it for ourselves and encouraging you guys to 1055 00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:38,840 reflect on this for yourself. So I've just got a little prompt 1056 00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:42,000 here that I'd love for you to take some time today, even if 1057 00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:44,360 it's right now and you want to pause it or you can do it later 1058 00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:48,400 to just reflect on and almost like do a pulse check on where 1059 00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:51,520 you're at in your relationship. And the prompt is think about 1060 00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:53,720 the last three disagreements that you've had. 1061 00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:56,320 What was the common denominator in all of them? 1062 00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:59,120 What is one thing that you personally do to keep those 1063 00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:01,840 loops going and just sit with that for a moment? 1064 00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,200 So think about the last three disagreements you had with your 1065 00:48:04,200 --> 00:48:07,000 partner and what was something that is similar between the 1066 00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:10,760 three, like an attitude, a situation, a tone, whatever it 1067 00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:12,840 might be. And then what is something that 1068 00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:16,120 you're implementing into that that keeps that communication 1069 00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:19,120 loop spinning? Yeah, and if you if you want to 1070 00:48:19,120 --> 00:48:22,400 be going along with this exercise with someone again, go 1071 00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:24,440 over to a Patreon, become a chatter. 1072 00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:27,200 This is the sort of stuff that we're going to unpack together 1073 00:48:27,240 --> 00:48:30,520 on those on on Patreon as a community over there because we 1074 00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:32,760 want to be again, more than just a podcast. 1075 00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:34,920 We want to go beyond just the your ears. 1076 00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:38,280 We want to yeah, grow with you. These are things that Amy and I 1077 00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:42,160 will discuss on Chatters episode, and we've also put an 1078 00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:46,480 option out there for live video calls as well As for a group of 1079 00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:49,080 us to catch up and chat. So again, if that's something 1080 00:48:49,080 --> 00:48:51,240 you're interested in, go over to Patreon. 1081 00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:53,760 The next one is a little challenge for you that you can 1082 00:48:53,760 --> 00:48:58,040 decide on your own to implement into your relationship today to 1083 00:48:58,040 --> 00:49:00,280 help shift some of these attitudes, and it's called the 1084 00:49:00,280 --> 00:49:03,960 six second look challenge. So at some point today, pause 1085 00:49:03,960 --> 00:49:07,800 for six seconds and just look at your partner. 6 seconds doesn't 1086 00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:09,360 sound like long, but it feels like long. 1087 00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:17,440 Fun 234. It's actually taking ages 5-6. 1088 00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:19,200 I thought you're about to ask what came after three. 1089 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:23,480 We we once did a challenge. We started to do it. 1090 00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:25,800 I think it's like 10 second kiss or something like that. 1091 00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:28,240 Do you remember that and like to kiss your partner for 10 seconds 1092 00:49:28,240 --> 00:49:30,080 and it was actually so much longer. 1093 00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:34,760 Anyway, this is just look at your partner for six seconds. 1094 00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:36,720 So you can just pause at any point today when you're 1095 00:49:36,720 --> 00:49:39,200 interacting with, especially if you've got kids, you can just be 1096 00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:41,960 these ships in the night and not really interact. 1097 00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:45,560 Just pause without saying anything, without looking at 1098 00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:47,520 your phone, without doing anything else, and just look at 1099 00:49:47,520 --> 00:49:51,040 your partner for six seconds. And while you look at them, look 1100 00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:53,160 at them like you're really seeing them. 1101 00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:55,960 They're not just your spouse or your Co parent, but a person 1102 00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:59,760 with dreams and struggles, insecurities, with a life 1103 00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:01,960 outside of you, with thoughts outside of you. 1104 00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:05,720 Like look at them for who they are for those 6 seconds and then 1105 00:50:05,720 --> 00:50:08,320 let those 6 seconds remind you why you're with them. 1106 00:50:08,320 --> 00:50:09,880 So just reflect. Are you doing that to me right 1107 00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:10,800 now? I feel like you're doing this. 1108 00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:13,800 I've done it right now. I know exactly what we're 1109 00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:15,360 talking about in China's now, all right. 1110 00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:18,640 So just that that can be at any point tonight, even if it's 1111 00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:21,000 they're brushing their teeth while you're getting into bed 1112 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,400 kind of thing, you just be like, look at him, brush his teeth. 1113 00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:27,400 All right. And the last one is kind of what 1114 00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:30,360 we're referred to earlier, which is called a future pace in the 1115 00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:32,400 coaching world. But it's this projection 1116 00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:37,680 projecting, sorry, what you want out of life so that you can feel 1117 00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:42,240 and take, borrow from that vision stuff today, the feelings 1118 00:50:42,240 --> 00:50:44,720 of it, the motivation from it, the direction from it to 1119 00:50:44,720 --> 00:50:46,320 implement into your relationship right now. 1120 00:50:46,720 --> 00:50:49,040 So I'm just going to read something and it's going to be 1121 00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:50,840 very brief. You can close your eyes if you 1122 00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:53,040 want to, or you can just really think about this. 1123 00:50:53,040 --> 00:50:56,400 I want you to actually physically visualise yourself in 1124 00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:59,760 that place and think about the smells, the sounds, what you see 1125 00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:02,520 around you, little details even, like what kind of grass is 1126 00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:04,680 growing on the ground or what kind of art is on the wall. 1127 00:51:04,680 --> 00:51:07,760 Whatever might be happening. Get as clear as you possibly can 1128 00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:10,480 about this picture because the more clarity you have about that 1129 00:51:10,560 --> 00:51:13,920 that, the more you can borrow from that to influence your 1130 00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:18,000 approach today. So I want you to imagine that in 1131 00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:20,800 six months time your communication has completely 1132 00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:22,520 transformed in your relationship. 1133 00:51:22,920 --> 00:51:25,360 Whatever that thing is that you were thinking about today. 1134 00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:28,400 The loop that you get caught in, that has completely transformed 1135 00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:32,600 in your relationship and when you talk you both feel seen and 1136 00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:36,440 understood and respected. How does that change your day to 1137 00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:40,320 day relationship? Picture what that changes, make 1138 00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:43,120 sure what the family looks like, what the vibe in the house is, 1139 00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:46,640 what your drives together in the car is, what your times together 1140 00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:50,600 on date night might be, how you talk to each other, the smiles 1141 00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:52,000 of facial expressions you give each other. 1142 00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:54,360 Picture what that would look like if those things had shifted 1143 00:51:54,360 --> 00:51:56,320 for you. And then I want you to ask 1144 00:51:56,320 --> 00:51:59,280 yourself, what is one small thing you can start doing today 1145 00:51:59,680 --> 00:52:01,920 to move towards that vision in six months time? 1146 00:52:03,040 --> 00:52:06,080 To borrow that those feelings, those things you want. 1147 00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:09,280 Borrow that from that future into today and what you want to 1148 00:52:09,280 --> 00:52:11,680 be doing to make that future possible. 1149 00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:14,320 So that is the end of Reality Check Corner. 1150 00:52:14,640 --> 00:52:16,360 Love it. I'm like looking forward to it. 1151 00:52:16,760 --> 00:52:20,840 Yeah, I think there's some like, little tiny movements every day. 1152 00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,240 It's the same with exercise. Like we don't just like, go from 1153 00:52:23,240 --> 00:52:24,960 nothing to 100 running a marathon. 1154 00:52:24,960 --> 00:52:27,480 You do little bits every day to build up that muscle. 1155 00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:30,480 And even if you are the only person in your relationship 1156 00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:33,960 doing this, you're not just doing this for someone who's not 1157 00:52:33,960 --> 00:52:36,080 engaged and not not wanting to be there. 1158 00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:39,240 You're doing it for yourself as well, so my encouragement is 1159 00:52:39,240 --> 00:52:41,920 every single person can implement these things in a way 1160 00:52:41,920 --> 00:52:45,200 that can bring a constructive approach, regardless of the 1161 00:52:45,200 --> 00:52:46,240 outcomes. That's good. 1162 00:52:46,720 --> 00:52:48,720 One last quick thing to finish off on. 1163 00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:50,520 Would you rather? Let's do it. 1164 00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:53,960 Would you rather have to start every argument by singing your 1165 00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:57,880 point in opera style, or have to settle every disagreement with a 1166 00:52:57,880 --> 00:53:03,040 game of rock, paper, scissors? Was like wanted by settling 1167 00:53:03,040 --> 00:53:05,320 every decision. Ohhh yeah rock paper. 1168 00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:06,800 We do rock. Paper scissors in our house a 1169 00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:08,920 lot for the kids for. The kids when they're arguing is 1170 00:53:08,920 --> 00:53:11,320 like ohh like on who's first? Like, alright, rock, paper, 1171 00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:13,520 scissors. And it works so well for them. 1172 00:53:13,520 --> 00:53:18,960 And they're like, OK, well, they said, yeah, I think, I think 1173 00:53:18,960 --> 00:53:20,680 rock, paper, scissors. But then I'm thinking about some 1174 00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:23,000 of the disagreements are a bit more serious than rock paper 1175 00:53:23,160 --> 00:53:24,360 scissors. Yeah, I know, but I think it 1176 00:53:24,360 --> 00:53:26,600 would still be like. It would bring a levity to it. 1177 00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:28,760 Yeah, I feel like I would. I wouldn't want to have an 1178 00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:30,600 argument. If I yeah like I'd be. 1179 00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:31,920 I would avoid. That well, maybe that's good 1180 00:53:31,920 --> 00:53:33,680 then. No, you're right. 1181 00:53:33,800 --> 00:53:38,240 And it would also make maybe make it maybe make too much 1182 00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:40,440 light of the disagreement if you're opera singing. 1183 00:53:40,600 --> 00:53:42,160 Yeah, Cool. All right, guys. 1184 00:53:42,160 --> 00:53:43,840 Well, thanks for being here. Good chat. 1185 00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:44,760 Yeah. Thanks guys. 1186 00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:45,680 We'll catch you later.