It starts small. Your partner does something that
gets under your skin. So do you say something in risk
and argument, or do you say quiet and let it simmer?
That's the pattern that so many couples get stuck in.
So today we're gonna be looking at real Reddit stories of
couples stuck right in that moment.
Couples that just aren't sure how to speak up without wrecking
the moment. We'll read these stories,
workshop them from our perspective, and give you some
tools that you can actually use in your relationship.
Honey, we Need to chat. Welcome back to Honey We Need to
Chat, The podcast all about communication and relationships.
My name is Amy. This is my wife, Blair.
I just, I just because Blair usually does this part.
As you can see, my wife Blair is back with me.
I'm back. He's back this week.
I'm back and we have a little present.
We we have a third person joining the podcast.
And and you only can see this if you're on YouTube to get on
YouTube, but it's our award that we won last week.
Yeah. So for those that don't know
that didn't TuneIn last week, Amy soloed last week's episode,
did a coaching course with you guys and it was fantastic to go
check that out. But I was MIAI was up in the
Gold Coast. Amy and I were nominated for an
emerging talent award and man, what a ride we were like we
legit we're looking at the nominees and we're like, look,
there's no way we're going to win.
You know, like we're just not that big.
We're not that known. There's no way we're going to
win. We're like, oh, look, it'll be a
really good investment for us to network and get to know people.
And so people are going, we're nominated.
So people are going to, you know, know the name a little bit
more now. So I went up there and we're
sitting, I was sitting in the awards night thing and we got,
we won. It was just so weird.
Like we just weren't expecting that at all.
And we just won. So that helped networking.
Yeah, And it was so funny because I'm like, in my pyjamas
on the bed, like refreshing, refreshing, refreshing the live
stream. And I missed it.
Yeah. And.
So mad. The one segment that I missed
was ours, but I was like, this is so weird to be across the
country looking the way I'm looking and winning an award.
Blair. Blair represent I.
Wrapped it so check out this week's vlog as well.
Actually, it's going to be last week's vlog by the time this
podcast episode comes out so check out last week's vlog.
I think it's vlog number 7 and you're going to see that whole
trip. So I filmed majority of it,
yeah, just to show you guys as well.
So go check. That out I haven't even seen.
I haven't finished it. Well, I haven't seen the clips.
No, that's true. Yeah.
So I also will be checking it out.
Yes. Well, on this podcast, if you've
been around for a little while, you will have heard us say that
when communication dies, bad things happen.
That's the kind of tagline that we go with.
And even this week, we've seen news articles indicating just
how true this is. When communication dies, bad
things happen. It's so important for
communication to stay alive in order for us to be functioning
in a constructive way, regardless of the area.
And we've seen that in politics this week, some really sad
stuff. We've seen that across the world
in global situations, in big corporations.
And we see that more intimately in relationships.
And that's why we do what we do. And we talk about this on a on a
smaller, more intimate family personal level.
But when communication dies, bad things happen, things breakdown,
patterns get destroyed, you know, grand scheme, we see this
politics dissolve, humans become divided, defensive, dehumanised.
And then on this more intimate level, we see relationships
breaking down, we see families breaking down, we see systems
from the ground floor breaking down.
And so that's why we're so passionate about a communication
workshopping, how to do that constructively, and just the
power and the freedom that comes from being able to talk, being
able to communicate. And so that's why we're going to
dive through this this Reddit series today.
We're going to be looking at just a classic Reddit episode
with a bunch of Reddit stories, and we're going to workshop how
we would communicate through some of these things.
It's just an example to show how many times in relationships, how
often through relationships there's decisions to build
communication or decisions to avoid it, and how quickly those
little decisions that might not feel that big can build into a
bigger pattern. I had someone comment to me just
recently about how they're, they're finding themselves in
this frustrating pattern with external family members that are
difficult. And they're in this pattern
where they have to always find excuses, always avoid seeing
these people because they're a difficult family member.
And I was just thinking as they were sharing this with me, this
family member is really difficult to be around.
So I can understand that. But I wonder how different it
would be, how different this pattern would be if way back at
the beginning, communication had been focused on clear, honest,
raw communication had been focused on how different would
that pattern be now? And hindsight is 2020.
We don't know. We can't predict the future.
It's really hard to project that stuff.
And it's easier to look back and be like, oh, look at where we've
come. But this is kind of an example
of what we talk about here. If we can implement constructive
communication as soon as possible, then these patterns
can be avoided. Doesn't mean that this difficult
family member becomes easy to be around.
Sometimes that just means much clearer boundaries.
But what's more important when I think about this area is the
freedom that you feel to show up honestly as yourself, knowing
that you're being as constructive as you can be as an
individual. Or else we find ourselves in
these patterns years down the track where it's really
complicated and there's also a blurring of ownership.
It becomes a different problem. It morphs from one problem to
another and it shifts that ownership.
And so those are the things that only breakdown and kill
communication. They kill relationship.
So today we're going to talk about that in some of these
Reddit stories. We're going to dive into these
stories. We're going to workshop how we
would navigate it. These are real people, real
situations and where real people just workshopping how we might
tackle these things as we go in. And before we do go on, I want
to just mention as well, I mean, I've, we've got some feedback.
We've got it a while ago asking the question like, do you guys
actually struggle as well? And the answer is absolutely
like this podcast is really down to we've had, we've been really
blessed to have a lot of people speak into our relationship.
There's a lot of things that I mean, I've had to work on too.
And that's where a lot of this comes out of is the things that
we work on. We realised when we got asked
that question is like how disconnected some people might
feel from us being able to actually relate to your
situation. And because we're people behind
the mic. And So what we've done is we
wanted to help bring you behind the scenes a little bit more,
get to know us a little bit more.
And so if you're not on our socials, go follow Instagram,
TikTok, Facebook, but make sure you go check out YouTube to on
YouTube. We have weekly vlogs as well.
We're also going to be coming out with more small coaching
clips that will go on there specifically for help you work
through what it is you're working through.
I also want to plug our website, honey, we need to chat.com on
there. We have a bunch of resources
that will tie down to specific episodes as well to help you
actually navigate through it. So one thing you're listening,
we don't want to just be more noise out there.
There's so much noise, positive and negative noise, but we want
to help you actually work through that personally.
So go check out our website, download the free work resources
and you it'll help you navigate through that and wrestle through
that as well. Yeah, definitely.
Cool. Let's dive into some Reddit.
Stories. Let's Reddit.
Reddit Story Reddit story #122 Male with 22 female new
relationship. How do I raise concerns about
her childlike behaviour and baby talk?
I'm a 22 male and recently started dating a 22 female.
She's kind, smart, loving and beautiful.
Everything I could want in a partner.
We've been together for a short while and I genuinely care about
her. However, she often talks to me
in a baby voice and behaves in ways that seem overly childlike.
For example how she dresses, the way she speaks.
At first I thought it was cute and playful, but now it's
starting to affect the way I see our connection.
It sometimes feels like she sees herself as a child, which is a
bit unsettling. She also doesn't put much effort
into dressing up or creating romantic spark moments, and I
worry that we might grow apart if I don't address it.
How can I bring this up kindly and respectfully without hurting
her or making her feel judged? I want our relationship to grow
in a healthy way and communication is important.
I just don't want to mess it up. This one I think is really
important, like sensitively. So you know, straight away I'm
like, man, I would struggle if that was.
You're like a baby. You're like a baby.
I would just genuinely really struggle.
But I know if you did that and I just came straight out and said
can you stop talking like a baby?
You would be that would be like a shock to you.
And I could just see like a whole that is just so much room
for insecurities and everything to come into that space.
Especially like how long have they been dining for?
Very recently, very recently, I think they said exactly.
Especially, I mean, especially always, especially especially if
you first started dating because you're still getting, you're
still building that trust with each other.
So the fact is, you know, you know how people use humour a lot
in situations. I can see it's something
similar, right? Like, so my issue is I get too
jokey. I joke too much because that's
just the way that I never get through difficult situations or
try and deal with boredom or whatever.
But I do it too much. So if you just said stop trying
to joke all the time, like that would be to me, like, I don't
know what to do with that, right?
Like this is just what I do. And so it would be feeling like
you're attacking a bit of me, even though it's not me.
I would feel that. Well, I immediately think a
similar thing, but that this baby talk might be from
insecurity from the first place. So the new relationship like
probably a little bit awkward still navigating getting to know
each other and may or may not have been in many relationships
in the past. Like she's pretty young and so I
can imagine there being a little bit of like, like not sure how
to act. And so pointing it out, it's a
sort of the similar with the joking thing, right?
Like pointing it out is important, but how you point it
out. And I guess as we always say,
the curiosity about why and being very careful about how you
how you are curious about it can be really important, I think, to
figure out what's making that happen.
Yeah, exactly. So asking the question like,
don't, I wouldn't come straight out and say stop talking like a
baby. Like like even just jokingly,
like, why do you do that? Like, what is that Like, you
know, be have fun with it. You know, I mean, like, I know
it might get irritating, but have that exploration be fun.
Don't you don't need to be so strict.
And that's probably something you got to put aside as well as
put away. Like put aside your frustration
with it or the cringiness of it, whatever you're feeling.
Yeah. Try and have fun with it as
you're exploring it and then work through it together.
Yeah. Something that comes to my mind
about the the clothes though. Yes, when we first started
dating and he wore Doc Martins. Oh yeah.
This is so I was like, this is so funny because like, I'm like,
I I just made a comment. I don't like Doc Martins.
They're big. They're bulky.
It's not his vibe. It's not my vibe, right?
They were Amy. Vibe.
They were Amy's vibe. I just made one comment.
That is it. I made one comment.
I think it was. I didn't even know what I said.
He said I, I think he said I didn't expect you to dress so
emo. You know, something along.
Those lines, I mean, I thought it was going to be smoother than
that. Anyway, I said one thing and Amy
got rid of them like she did not wear them.
I have never seen her in DOC minds.
And we were very fresh dating. Yeah, we went on a date.
We went. On our first date first.
Date. Yeah, and like, I felt sorry
back because that was not my intention.
It was just not being aware of the words that I was using.
And even how did you feel in that when I said that?
I mean, do you remember back that?
Far I didn't feel. I think I was like, oh, this is
not his thing. I thought it looked.
I liked that look or I liked that look back then, but it
wasn't like closely tied in. If I was like fully invested in
that, yeah, then I probably would have been a little bit
more insecure about it. I don't love that That's how it
played out if I think about it in like hindsight.
I hate that, yeah. Like even recently I was like,
oh, I could do with some Doc Martens, but I know you know
I'll. Just tell you like do not know
I. Wouldn't know and we I had this
conversation, I don't know, a couple months ago yeah I was
like, well, I would get them, but you don't like I was just
joking. You would disown me or something
and then you're like, I wouldn't disown you.
But it's a good conversation because where And it's I don't
know the answer to this. Like where is preferences?
Where's the line with that? And I think for us, it was so
low on my priority list that I was like, oh, I'll get rid of
them. I'm not yeah, I'm not gonna wear
things, especially early on that I know is not his vibe.
If you had made a comment about my body or something, that would
be totally, totally different because that's something I can't
change. And I and if again, if it was
like a really intense, like if it was like, you know, I love my
hair purple. Like I just love my hair being
purple. And you made comment about it
and that that would be probably more problematic, but to me it
was like a give or take. And I was like, OK, whatever,
I'll get rid of them. And I just noted you're not a
emoy dude. And that's kind of how I was
when I was younger, so. I can think through too like so
if if you were so we've never really had issues with each
other's clothes, but being more the opposite.
Like I want to dress in a way that you'd like.
Like that's that's sort of my style, which is not really a
style to be. Well, neither of us are super
styled. I think that's so.
The clothes 1 is a little bit hard, but I can see how if you,
if I was to have comments on your clothes like how that could
affect you though, like you're trying to live a life of
impressing me, I think is not healthy.
So with the clothes being, I mean, it's her style too, like
like that's that's fine. You know, if she's not, if she's
not wearing the clothes that you want, I think you'll be very
careless. This fine line of sharing what
you like and you know, dressing for each other, whatever and
just trying to change her. I just, I think the changing
sort of stuff is probably not the healthy bit about it, but
the conversation. The conversation's important,
but I think almost a curiosity with yourself as well.
So this story is interesting and I think this is probably more
relevant to us, he says. She also doesn't put much effort
into dressing up or creating romantic spark moment.
So I don't know what, I don't really know what he means.
I was gonna have comments on that in a little bit, so you.
Yeah, well, so they're not putting much effort into
dressing up and she talks in a baby voice to me.
I struggle to put effort in. Like if I'm low, I my lowness
emotionally plays out on my external.
I don't, I struggle to put effort into how I look.
I struggle to get out of that hole, especially if I've like
got when and I always do. I always have had like body
insecurities or what's it called self esteem, stuff like that.
And so it just builds a picture for me.
If she's not putting effort in, especially early in a
relationship, for me, that would flag that potentially there's
like more evidence for insecurities or more evidence
for some mental health stuff going on.
Maybe she's just like a very chill dresser and she doesn't do
that anyway. But that with the baby voice, it
just I'm like, it's building a picture for me that that she
might be navigating these things.
And that's a tricky one because if I think about my experience,
like I want to put effort in, not just for you anymore.
Like I think earlier on it was more about you.
And now as we've gotten older, it's more about also myself, but
I want to be able to put effort in.
But when I feel bad about myself and I'm in this hole, it's
really complicated because if you were like, you haven't
really dressed up nicely, that would just like pile more on.
It's like such a delicate balance.
And so your curiosity about which we've never had this kind
you, we've literally never had this conversation.
But if if you were wanting to raise something like that, your
curiosity about what's going on for me would be more important,
I think than you saying you don't put much effort in being
like, how are you feeling? You seem low or like what's
going on and exploring that stuff and then time together is
what helps you have that because you understand each other
better, you know each others patterns better.
Yeah, exactly. So going that's going really
into the spark element for me that he talks about.
So he says she doesn't put much effort in dressing up all
creating romantic spark moments. And I worry that we might grow
up high if I don't address it. It's funny to bunch the clothes
and the spark thing up. So I'm not.
This is me trying to read between the lines and trying to
interpret what I think he might be saying.
So I'm going to try and separate the two there.
So I'm dressing up and the spark moments.
I think the spark moments are important.
Yeah, I think I really do. I think the spark moments are
important. Not in terms of you've always
got to be having that spark every moment, every time, but
being intentional with trying to create that spark moment.
So what? OK, let me clarify what I mean
by a spark moment. So a spark moment is like dates
like, you know, putting in effort into, you know, so it's
not like, so for example, if I was the only one that ever put
in effort for a date night, that would be hard.
Yeah. If I was the only one that put
in efforts to give you cuddles or words of affirmation or
whatever else it is, that would be harder, right?
When it's one sided, that is hard.
So the spark moment because that, that, you know, that's
with our feeds into our romance, It feel it feeds into our time
together. I think it, it feeds into the
way that we dress as well in a weird way.
Like if we go out for a date night, we are dressing up when
we are putting in that effort a bit more because we, you know,
we're not wanting to go out for dinner in our track suits
because we're wanting that special moment together.
So I, I think it's really important to do and definitely
something that's probably one of the easiest things to dwindle
after relationships being together for too long and
especially relationships that haven't really been able to
communicate through things or prioritise things in that
relationship. Yeah, and again, I, because I, I
just can kind of play this out for myself because I've seen
these patterns when I'm low, I think I do have on my side, I, I
assess what's going on for myself, but some people really
struggle to do that. And if I felt insecure,
especially early on. So an example I have is one of
my other boyfriends, my my first boyfriend.
Not her other current boyfriend, yeah.
My first boyfriend in high school, I thought like, I'd
never been in a relationship before.
And I thought, oh, this is going well.
And then he raised something like, I don't know, a couple
months in or something. That was really interesting.
And at the time I felt really embarrassed by it.
But he's like, you always agree with me, like you, you can say
what you think. And I realised I really had been
like, like anything he said I was like, Yep, that's right.
And I was like, I must have been like a brick wall or something,
or just like a personality less person because I just, I just
thought in my head, I don't want to rock the boat and I don't
want to say the wrong thing and I'm feeling insecure.
And so I just kind of held it back and it was really
interesting. He raised it gently.
It was like, kudos to him. He did, he did well with that.
But he's like, you can disagree with me.
And I was like, can and I think it's sort of the same thing.
Like I can, even when we got together, I was a bit older
than, I mean, I was older than what I was dating this person.
So, you know, five years and I'd lived out of home for a little
bit in that time. So I'd had more life experience.
But even then I still struggled in, in the face of your
confidence and your independence because you'd been out of the
house and been working and like been an independent adult for so
long. I still struggled sometimes just
with this like thought of, I don't know what's going on.
Like you're so confident and I don't really know what's going
on. And I I had to really force
myself and it probably took a little while, It's taken years,
but to recognise, OK, what do I think about this?
What should I say about this? And I think or even like, what's
my preference in this moment and spark moments like organising
something. I think it's easy when you're
insecure to just float because you're like, I don't know what's
going on and there's whatever it is that you're navigating
internally can just make you want to float.
And you're like, I'll just do what they want to do and I blah,
blah, blah. Yeah.
So I can imagine the young Amy just floating along with
whatever you wanted to do, like whatever date you wanted to do,
whatever event you wanted to do, whatever you wanted to be
affectionate and not feeling confident that I can be that on
my own. And, and, and maybe that's like,
I can imagine that baby voice coming through, 'cause I'm like,
I'm gonna, I'm gonna hide behind my baby voice when I'm trying to
say things. And so I think it's just.
Screaming and insecurity there of what?
Whatever kind, I don't know. And I think when you're
navigating these things, curiosity is your first point.
Like first point is curiosity, gentle curiosity, and then
asking yourself what's happening for you.
So there's another whole topic, a whole different tangent we
could go on, which we're not going to right now, which is
when people get the ick. Have you heard that phrase?
I got the ick. And it's so descriptive.
It's like when you all of a sudden see something from a
different like way or some like awkward thing and you're like, I
can't get that picture out of my head now.
So there's some examples of like I saw them trying to change
their pants and they're like hobbling around.
All of a sudden you're like, oh, I got the ick and shaking that.
Like it's hard to shake that. This is a little bit off topic,
so we won't spend too much time on this, but something you said
before, I'm like, oh, that's really interesting too.
Is that. Yeah, there's definitely that.
I remember that shift that you did where you're like, no, I
need to start speaking my mind more.
Yeah. And then it was a whole thing
learning on how do you speak your mind because there was this
elements of when you were processing through that.
Yeah, exactly. It was this like, you know, you
mentioned you didn't share your mind as much, was more just sort
of going along with the flow. Then it was this recognition of
I do that too much. I need to speak up more than it
was just like it was just like extremely other way and it
wasn't. And then we had to work on
together of like, well, how do you communicate though?
That's great communicate. We want more communication, but
then it's really about how do you communicate?
There's it's and and a lot of that was just navigating
through, but you would actually just say like, look, this is
going to come out blunt. I need to get it out.
I just need to get it out. So you would give me a warning
beforehand and it helped me get my, my, my defence down.
So I didn't get all defensives like, hey, on this is not right.
If this was vice versa, you'd be having all these issues with how
I would be speaking. It started that like that, then
we recognise that pattern and then then we had the words in
the language to actually navigate through that.
And now like we are still working through that, but we're
very, it's very, very different now.
So I just wanted to state that because it's like just if
someone's listening and you're like, yeah, I don't speak up
enough. That's great.
That's really, really good to identify and that also put in
effort on how you start speaking.
Up I think with that though, because I remember being
conscious of this when it when we were going or I was going
through it or we went through it.
I think there was an element of I was saying things like having
to figure out that delicate balance, but also I was rocking
the boat in a way I hadn't been. I don't think now that same talk
would feel as shocking as it did back then because I was also
changing the dynamics. So I think there's a bit of
like, whoa, like this is so off putting because it's not how
we've navigated. So I think it's, it's a, it's a
learning thing for both or everybody in in that
relationship environment because you have to, you had to learn a
different side of me all of a sudden or not different side,
but just like a more vocal, like transparency.
I don't know how to word that and a different interaction.
And I had to learn how to do that interaction well.
And so it's just everyone was like transitioning a little bit
and then into the new space. Yeah.
So I think you have to figure out when you're navigating,
bringing stuff like this up, what it is for you, what might
be going on for them. And then just gently, not just
coming out and being like, I don't like this, don't like
this, don't like this. I don't like your baby voice.
You don't dress nice and you're not doing romantic things.
You're not being, you're not being sparking.
You're not sparking. Just doing it gently, one bit at
a time, and figuring out what is important for me to navigate.
Chances are baby voice isn't going to last into your 30s and
40s like if you stay in this relationship.
So is that the main thing to navigate, or is there something
else sitting behind that and figuring out how to curiously
explore those things together? I wonder if it's an element of
embarrassment for him. Like it's embarrassing.
It's. Embarrassing, she talks like
that, she doesn't dress a certain way.
So he might have like for him because I feel like it's a big
thing too for a lot of people, that pressure of like what other
people are going to think. So it's like that elevates the.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Being being almost embarrassed
by what other people are seeing, yeah.
And that's a good thing to be curious about as well.
If you're bringing that into how you're navigating it.
That's important to be aware of. We actually spent way more time
on that story than I thought we were going to.
There's a good one, man. Like, I think it's like there's
a lot in that. I I think there's more, there's
more to chat about that which is, yeah, just how what's
preference, what's what's important, what's like like a
make or break and what's. What's what's like like having a
curiosity towards why she's acting like that, but also
having an an attitude of curiosity to why is that an
issue fan. Yeah, and what do you want long
term? Because you're in an early
relationship, and early relationships are important for
exploring what works and what isn't working so great.
So yeah, interesting, interesting dilemma, but I'm
sure they've got it all right. Reddit story #2I-32 female
sometimes feel like my boyfriend 32 male doesn't prioritise me.
How do I raise it without nagging?
My boyfriend, 32 male and I-33 female have been together for
nearly a year but we don't live together.
When we first met, COVID restrictions were in place so
aside from work and family commitments there was wasn't a
lot else that took up our time. Now things are back to normal
ish where we live and we spend less time together.
He has sporting commitments 3 nights a week and two half days
on the weekends. No, he's not a pro athlete but
plays and coaches in his sports at amateur level.
He says he enjoys being on the go and feeling productive by
doing a lot. Conversely, I like to take
things at a slower pace and enjoy deeper than what going to
five different things in a day allows.
This week we had dinner together one night, breakfast for an hour
one morning, and then about 3 hours together over 2 days this
weekend. I love him and I want a future
with him, which we've talked about, but lately I feel like
he's just fitting me in around all his other commitments,
seeing me and then rushing off to go to training or something.
I've been thinking of saying something to him but realised
that I raised the same thing a month ago.
When I told him I was conscious of either coming across as too
needy or not attentive enough, he affirmed I wasn't either of
those things. I don't want to nag him, but
when I was reviewing some emails to a friend I realised I've had
the same issue almost monthly for five of the last seven
months. 2 times ago when I mentioned it he brought me
flowers and gave me a lovely note.
Last month he told me he never wanted me to be unhappy.
He goes out of his way to see me but I feel like it's just for an
hour amongst other things. Is it that I'm just sensitive
around the same time every month or nothing's changing and the
issue isn't going away? Could be both.
I really think this is so we've done an episode on unmet
expectations. I think this is one of a classic
case of that. And it's like really
communicating that, which makes sense for this podcast.
But yeah, it's really just navigating that.
I don't think it's naggy. It's I think one thing that
you've brought up a couple of times is about how you won't
bring something up because you'd feel like it will like have a
negative impact on our relationship, right?
So you'll sit on it. And this was like going back to
what we just spoke about, you know, you just wouldn't speak
sometimes about things and but it wasn't until we realised
actually, no, you're not bringing it up is means that
it's going to have a negative impact on our relationship
because it's going to make you feel more negative towards the
situation. And I'm just going to be
oblivious to it. So it's going to come across
like I don't care, but I'm really just not aware.
It's not a a care or anything. It's an awareness thing.
And like with this, his responses seem very positive in
regards to look his his response seems very positive in regards
to when when she brings it up, he brings her flowers and you
know, notes and stuff like that. Now, the negative thing here,
and this is the sad part of it for a lot of guys, and I'll put
myself on this too. I'm not going to remove myself
from this is just because you've brought something up does not
mean now it's, it's gonna change, right?
Like I, you've brought something up.
Now I'm, I'm a little bit more aware of it, but now I'm like,
well, it takes about like 60 days or something to, to make a
habit, right? So if you bring it up once, if
you just bring it up, if you just say like, hey Blair, like I
struggle that you wear your hat all the time.
Yeah, I really do. Yeah.
Same Amy smiling and joking by the way, she would never have an
issue with. People that are only listening
don't know you're wearing. Yeah, that's true.
Watch out YouTube. And you brought up that up with
me once, right? Is this sort of a, not a passing
comment, but just like, hey, I'll just struggle with how much
you wear your hat. It's like, cool.
Well, now this is all I put into interpretation for me.
Does that mean you don't want me to wear my hat in the mornings?
Does it mean that you don't want me to wear my hat at all?
Like there's so much vagueness to that conversation.
Kind of like the Doc Martens. Yeah, pretty much like the Doc
Martens. Well, moving on, I think what's
important here is if we're looking in the situation, it's
like we'll call like laying out, but what is it that she's
wanting not just what is she not happy with now?
On the flip side of that, when someone raises something with
you and if she's done this multiple times, I agree his
responses seem pretty like constructive or or positive.
Not that he's not like you're so naggy and that's why she doesn't
want to nag him. But if she's raised it multiple
times, I think it's naive for the person who's received that
comment to then just be like, I'll do this thing and then it's
fine. And unless she raises it again,
it's fine. So it's you have to have buy in
from both sides, right? So you raise the thing and then
the person that you've raised it with.
And we talk about this like, if, if I don't voice my concern,
then it's my problem until I voice it.
And then it's our problem together.
And so the person that has raised it needs to be clear
around that and needs to continue that communication
because again, it's you know, it's one time mentioned of
something is not really fair to expect a whole pattern to
change, especially if it's a vague thing.
It doesn't have clarity around it.
Hat is different. I feel like a hat would actually
be easier because then you're like, oh, she doesn't like the
hat. So yeah, which that's a whole
other topic, but just. Drop the Doc Martens again.
Drop it. Doc.
Doc Martens. Yeah, she's raised something,
and it can be really hard to raise things where especially
when you're not feeling loved, it's really hard to say I don't
feel loved. It's really, really hard to say
I need more of you. I need more of your time because
that feels like a burden. And so to muster the emotion to
raise that end and voice it in whatever way she has previously,
the recipient should see that and be like, OK, I'm gonna now
also keep tracking this conversation.
She said she's not feeling loved.
And then so I'm not just gonna do something to make her feel
loved and then never ask her again.
How are you feeling about our time together?
Like, that's where the curiosity comes in.
Be like, oh, my partner said she didn't feel like we had great
time together. Maybe I should check in.
Is it feeling better now? Maybe I should be more aware of
those things. So it's an ownership on both
sides. Yeah, and just I'm not sure if I
made myself clear before when I said I put myself in that
position too. I said, this is the sad thing
about it. If you bring it up to guys, I
was, I was pretty much wanting to say what you just said about
like to that point of like, well, what's reality and what's
wishing so? And it's like, well, okay,
reality is a lot of people that we've spoken to, the guy is more
likely to hear something but not do much about it, right?
Would you agree? Well, yeah, I think it's they
hear something and they don't grasp the seriousness.
Yeah, yeah, for whatever reason, for whatever reason it is.
And that's what more what I was trying to bring across is like,
but no, a home percent agree with you.
There needs to be that ownership.
I think what's important is though, like you mentioned
before, you know it's it's your responsibility until you bring
it up. But it's not now that you've now
brought it up and now it's their responsibility.
It's both responsibility like in what you're just saying, saying
he looked before as well. And that's that's what I was
trying to communicate. Sadly, that's not usually the
case. So if you're a guy and you're
hearing this and you're thinking through that thing that your
partners brought up with you and say, you know, whatever it is,
do something about that or just touch base with them again to
say, Hey, I remember that and this is what I'm doing about it.
So a lot of times, especially for us early on, we would bring
something up and I can't, I don't have any specific
situations, but I know this was definitely us in the early the
earlier days. You would bring something up and
I'm like, sweet, I've got that. I've got like locked away.
I'm going to work on it. Then you bring it up again.
You're like, why are you not, you know, why are we still
talking about this sort of thing?
I'm like, I'm doing stuff like, why can't you see that?
I'm actually putting an effort here?
And the thing was, is like all my working on, it was all
internal. It was none of it was external.
So for you, you're seeing nothing really changing.
For me, I'm doing so much effort and I'm trying so hard, but when
we don't talk about it, you don't see any.
It's. More you're trying hard to be
aware of the things like there's some things and this is hard to
put these in generalised statements because sometimes
when you raise something it is the other person.
So like it depends on what it is.
This is a very mutual like the dynamic of your relationship and
that's something you build together.
But I think a lot of the stuff that gets raised in early
relationships is an awareness element.
And so I can't see what you're aware of unless you vocalise it.
And that's that, that's that part that you're trying to say
is like bringing people in on that conversation and the
curiosity. And I just feel like I need to
get a tattoo of curiosity. Just be like where?
I don't know what where to put it.
You wouldn't see it if it was I. Just put it on my like lip or.
Something you wouldn't see that either.
I wouldn't, but other people I could just be like anyway.
So you're reminding them to be curious?
Yeah, OK. Not.
Really curious enough. Sometimes the curiosity is so
important because it's you have to explore.
We like, I totally get what you're saying.
There has to be like an ownership on the, on the person
hearing and exploration. We've talked about this though,
like you might think you've communicated something really
clearly. Explore whether you have or not.
Don't just sit there and be like, I feel like I've said this
as a recipient, Explore what's going on.
Your partner might have said something that you don't really
fully grasp. Explore that, like ask some
questions about it and in that conversation, explore together.
So this couple, it's one thing to be like, I don't feel like we
have much time together. I'm so sorry.
I'll get you some flowers and then a month later, I, I don't
feel like we have much time together.
I'm so sorry. I'll get you some flowers.
Like have that conversation, be like, I'm really struggling with
how like our time together and I'm feeling a little bit pushed
to the side because of all your commitments.
My, my battery is lower than yours.
My energy battery is lower. I can't take on as much as you,
but you can obviously take on a lot.
That's valid information and it's not right or wrong.
So you just communicate and be like, why do you feel that way?
Like what is it that's making you feel like a not priority?
I think I'm not feeling like a priority because you don't seem
excited with me. Like you always seem ready to go
to the next thing. Oh, I'm really sorry you feel
that way. Like, how can I make the time
with you feel exciting? Actually, if we factor in a
scheduled thing every week and it and it's like you're going to
plan it because you've got this high battery or you're going to,
you know, I don't know, do something to make it more
important. Maybe I'd feel more loved all
the time and I'd feel more secure in that.
Like, yeah, I'm really sorry that it made you feel that way.
Like that kind of conversation, you don't just have the, you
don't mention it and then leave it for either side of this, this
situation, because that's so complicated.
You don't mention it and leave it.
You don't hear it and leave it. You mention it and you explore
what's going on for yourself, what's going on in your
relationship, what's going on for your partner.
He might be reacting because he's been in lockdown and he's
just like, and he's got a high battery and he's an, you know,
an external person and that's valid.
So looking through this too, like so looking through that
story again, she's talking about how they've had dinner one night
together, breakfast for one hour 1 morning and then three hours
over 2 day weekend, right. So that's that's actually quite
a lot in terms of time together. But what would like what would
be important for her to talk about is like, well, what one,
what would be good amount of time together?
What's her expectations? But two, the other part that she
mentions here is she feels like she's he's fitting her around
other commitments. So how like that's that
conversation they can have together is what would it look
like for her to be the most important thing for that day or
whatever it is, right. So what does that actually look
like? The other thing that I noticed
too is if you look at these two different things, 1 I feel like,
and if you haven't listened to our episode on the five love
languages, go check that one out because I see that this she
could be really a quality time person.
So quality time isn't just time together.
It's quality, it's feeling that you actually want to be here
with me. I'm a quality time person.
So the other day I came out from work and this is not a disc.
Like this was just what it was. It was yesterday, I think.
Yeah, it was yesterday and you had to get some work done or you
were tired or something. And I was working.
The kids come home and we just sometimes give them the screen
time when they get home. I finished work early because I
was like, I just really want to be with my family right now.
I was craving that quality Time came out and because they were
in front of the screen, I'm like, I was on there.
No one wanted to. Hang out.
I had a migraine so I was trying to nap.
That's right. That's what it was.
Yeah. I had a migraine.
And we have these things for survival mode.
We don't care about survival mode.
All our priorities go out the window in survival mode.
So that was was a really big thing for me because it's like I
made a funny deal about it, but I'm like, I just felt so
restless. I'm like, I just want to be with
my family. And so quality time is really,
really important. So I, I get that level from what
she's talking about. The other thing too, is it feels
like he could possibly be gifts and words of affirmation.
So do you see in the way that he responds in that moment?
He's like, oh, cool, you have a need.
I'm going to respond out of the way that I receive and I'm going
to respond to you with gifts. And so for him, he's like, look,
I've shown you that you're quite like that.
You're important to me. I've shown you that you're a
priority to me because I've given you something.
That's how he receives, not the way that she receives.
And that's the mismatch in understanding each other's love
languages and the way that each other receive that love.
Again, all important conversations to have.
And you, you have these conversations.
You don't it's, it's really easy to go into an argument to say
you do this or you don't do this.
Going in with that attitude of curiosity and saying, well, why
is this so important to me? Why do I feel that?
Why do you buy me flowers when I said I wanted more time?
I like flowers. Yeah, anyway.
Yeah. And what I actually, I actually
love this story because I there's only red, not red flags,
There's only green flags about it.
Like there's only space for getting closer and closer.
Nothing about anything she's described to me sounds like a
concern, like a like a worry. Everything sounds like what a
cool, like how much growth you've got ahead of you guys
because a couple really important conversations, a
couple key understandings of yourselves and of your partner,
like we'll transform this. Like you'll feel so much freer.
Nothing about this is like, Oh yeah, no, it doesn't sound good.
And I, I think that's what we, that's one of the reasons I love
doing this podcast is like these little things that we look at
these little parts of I think a few weeks ago I talked about
it's like under the hood of a car, each different system that
we're checking on and fixing and adjusting it all just builds
such a stronger vehicle. And that's the same thing here.
It's just little things that they can do that will just be
small adjustments of understanding and bring so much
value. All right, so let's move on to
the next Reddit story. Girlfriend 30 female thinks it's
normal for her, her to raise her voice during arguments and that
I 29 male have unrealistic expectations because that
bothers me. This is my first relationship.
My girlfriend, who's been living with me for some time now, is
rather quick to raise her voice when we have a disagreement, big
or small. She doesn't start to exactly
yell, but her tone is still significantly more intense and
loud than what I find comfortable.
I always try to remain calm and collected, but it's hard to
maintain focus because I often feel like I'm being interrogated
or scolded. Situations like this happen
several times per week, sometimes even daily, and have
been draining my energy significantly lately.
I explained it to her that while I don't expect all arguments to
be cordial and diplomatic, the the frequency of such tone
raising incidents was still too much for me to tolerate.
She told me that such arguing is perfectly normal for couples and
that my expectations of calm discussions in case of
disagreement or conflict were childish and unrealistic, and
that I should be more resilient. Loud arguing is hard for me and
I've tried very hard not to drift away emotionally
afterwards, while she can switch back to being fully affectionate
not long after such a dispute and expects me to be able to do
the same. Am I being unrealistic if I
expect most conflicts to resolve in a calm?
Tone without loud arguing. How often do you raise your
voice at your significant other? If you've had this problem, how
did you solve it? This one and you gave me options
as before, of which one we I wanted to talk about too many.
We had too many stories down here.
And I said this one because I'm the female in this in this
story. So I, I'm just a loud person in
general and I've had a history of, you know, before kids and
before Amy, I've had a real history of anger problems and
regulating emotions and all that sort of stuff.
And so this has been a real journey for me.
And I want to just share something that happened the
other day. Actually, when I became a
Christian, this was something that God, I believe that God
really worked on me with and is still working on me for, but I'm
just such a different person now than than what I was.
But when I struggle, this is something that does come back
up. So five years ago now, I
experienced a significant burnout and I've been quite open
about that. And one of the things was when I
was down and out, like I just, I just could not regulate my
emotions. I would just respond.
I would explode and never hit anyone or anything in my family,
but I would just yell. And because I just couldn't
control my emotions. I couldn't regulate what I was
feeling. And I was even at a point.
And again, this is at a full transparency here and this is
not an easy thing to share, but it was a point where Amy
actually took the kids away one weekend because I just was not
coping. And I was a little bit of a fear
in the way that I was responding.
So I'm just, This is why I want to talk about this because this
is something that I've really struggled with.
So the other day we were sitting down for dinner and one of our
kids, I might have been tired, I'm not too sure, but one of our
kids was not listening really well.
And I just got more and more frustrated.
And my side I try and start calm and then I get more and more
frustrated. And then I just yelled like I
wasn't aggressive. I just, I just raised my voice
and not to, not to lower that, but I, I did.
I raised my voice and the my kid turned to me and he was just
crying. He's just like, stop talking so
meanly to me. And it just, it hits you hard,
you know, And I'm like, man, I did not mean to do that.
I did not mean to hurt him. I just wanted him to listen.
Like for me, like I was just, I wasn't in control of my
situation at that time. I wasn't in control of my
volume, of my voice. My intent was not to hurt him in
any way possible, but it did. And he was just crying and we
hugged it out and I apologise and, and whatever else.
And so when I read these sorts of stories, what I want to say
is it actually, it's not normal. You know, if it's, if the way
that we are talking is impacting the other person in a
significant way or even even in in a little way, that's on us.
You know, I, I can see this as in the way that she's responding
in this story as a bit of a cop out.
You know, we, Amy and I are really strongly against the
phrase. Well, this is just who I am.
We're really against that because who we are, we get to
choose all of the things that we are.
We get to choose to work on the lot of things that we don't want
to be and react in the ways that we don't want to react.
We can work on those things. And so for this story, I does
trigger me a little bit because of my own issues and you know,
my own things that I've been working on.
So that's why I picked this one over the other ones because I
think it's so important, you know, the way that we disagree,
we want to do that in a Safeway. You know, if I'm not being safe
with my kids in the tone of my voice, emotionally, emotionally
safe. Sorry if I'm not being
emotionally safe with the tone, if I'm raising my voice and that
if they feel emotionally unsafe or that I'm being mean or
whatever else, then that is going to be impacting our
relationship, you know, and now I have a lot of commending to do
in this situation. I'm committed to that.
You know, I did apologise, but now it's now my responsibility
to follow up with that. Like, and how am I growing that
relationship and, and growing that trust back, right?
Like as every trust is hard to grow easily to be broken and
even with my own son, I want to be making sure that I'm putting
in that effort to grow that trust.
So the way that we talk is extremely important.
And if it's received in specific way, it the excuse is never OK
of this is just who I am. Deal with it.
You need to get better, you need to toughen up.
That's just not not good in my opinion.
Yeah, we've we've worked on recognising when we're saying
you're making me angry. Yeah, Or those kinds of things,
like you're making me angry or it's too loud, you're making me
frustrated, or you're making me overwhelmed, like you're making
me something because it's not true.
Like we are in control of our person.
We should be in control of our person.
And so the stimuli that's happening can make it harder.
But we're still as grown adults, like in we're responsible for
how we react in that place. And so it's really easy as
parents. And when I say we've been
working on this, I mean, like I say it and then I'm like, I
shouldn't be saying it that way all the time.
It's something that's really hard to change your terminology
around. But you're making me angry is
not fair because whatever they do can't make me angry.
I'm getting angry because I'm allowing myself to get angry,
and I'm getting angry because of my regulation of this situation.
You're not exercising the things that you've been working on.
You, you can be in a highly over stimulating situation, but
you're still responsible for navigating what's going on.
And even if that means removing yourself from that situation
because you know, or right now you just don't have the mental
capacity to control your emotions and your responses
remove yourself, but you're still responsible.
And so we've been trying to implement that into how we
communicate because it's important for the kids to see
and hear us. Not saying you're making me
angry like even last night or something, our kids at bedtime.
I just it's the most periodic time and I think it's because
I'm so close to the finish line and I'm.
Like, yeah, it's like this is my.
Life and then it's just like they just anyway I was feeling
very frustrated as I do most nights now and I.
Was out. I was at a men's dinner for
church. Yeah, and I said, I said to the
boys, I was like, in a minute, I'm gonna be very frustrated.
And I really wanted to say, you're making me so mad.
But I was like, in a minute, I can feel my resolve slipping.
I didn't say this these words, but that's I was like in a
minute. And then halfway through I was
like, mommy's going to be very cranky.
And I was just like, so I need you to go to bed.
And like, I such a wrestle because even that wasn't the
right way of doing it. But I'm just like, I'm wrestling
with my frustrations. And this like sometimes I look
at them with the things they're coming out to tell me and I'm
just like. Yeah.
Like our daughter will come out be like one more, just one more
thing and then I'm like this better be good.
It's never good, never good, never good.
I think whatever I. Think it's more butterfly today?
Yeah, and like, I just, I can't expect any parent probably knows
what I'm talking about, but I'm still in control of that.
And and I don't like how I show up in those times and I don't
want my kids to see me as an adult.
So out of control of myself just because of kids doing what kids
do. And also it's super predictable.
Like I have had this every single night for the last
however many years. I should know, the bedtime is
predictably a really stressful time.
So what am I implementing to make myself navigate that
better? And it's a really important
conversation. So how you show up and how you
react is 100% your responsibility.
Straightaway when we read through a story, I was like,
it's, it's got to be their family of origins.
And that is such a hard thing to weed through as you become a
couple and you build your own life together because you're
bringing your family dynamics, what you've seen as normal.
She seems to be reacting like this is this is normal.
Like it's normal to talk this way.
And to be fair to her, it is a process to navigate changing
that pattern like it really is. So it, it's one of those
examples we talked about earlier.
It's not going to be, oh, he's mentioned it once and all of a
sudden she never gets away again.
It has to be an ongoing conversation.
But I also recognise, I also reckon from this conversation
that he has either his family never raised their voices, so
he's really thrown by it or he's got some kind of experience with
that that was quite traumatic because he seems very sensitive
to it as well. And so and that's so common to
have people from totally different backgrounds.
So figuring out that way to navigate it together and have
that curiosity around it is really important.
But there has to be an ownership part.
And it's her saying that he's silly or childish because he
thinks it's not appropriate. He's going to shut that down
straight away until you can be open to, oh, I'm making my
partner feel this way and exploring what's normal or
what's not there, You're not going to have that conversation.
It's not going to be able to continue anyway in for conscious
of time here. We're going to wrap the story
up. But we know this is some of
these are intense things, especially this last one.
So watch this space for more resources to navigate these
things. But just some practical tips
when you're navigating disagreements or bringing things
up that you're not sure how to raise them.
Here's some practical ways to go about it.
First and foremost, curiosity. We've talked about that.
Enter everything with curiosity and this last story that that
man entering that conversation with her in a gentle, curious
way. I wonder how that would assist
her response, like openness to communicating about it and and
recognising the pattern. Get clear before you
communicate. So don't and I think when you're
getting clear, be curious about yourself.
So go, if you're having this thing that you're like, oh, I
need a talk about this, even if it's, you know, the baby talk or
it's the tone of voice when you're arguing, get clear about
what is going on for you first and then raise it with them.
And then important with that is choosing your timing
intentionally. Do not raise it with them in the
middle of that argument. That's not going to be the best
time to talk about it. Probably just escalate.
Do not raise it with them like the baby we talk 1 Don't raise
it with her right after she's baby talked.
If it's a serious conversation, don't be like, what is that baby
talk like? That's usually not the most
constructive time to be doing that.
Leading with I language so you're clear on what it is
that's going on for you and then leading with that communication.
So you're saying I struggle with this or I've noticed this
pattern or I feel this way and that is that helps ease the
conversation in. Invite the conversation and the
exploration together, that curiosity together.
So you don't just say I struggle with the time we're spending
together. You say I'm feeling a little bit
left to the side And so I just want to talk about like maybe
our love languages or figure out how we can better make each
other feel supported. You're inviting that
conversation between the two of you.
You're not just coming with your side and being like, pick that
up and deal with it. And then last but not not least
is collaborate to don't corner. So you're not the same sort of
thing. You're not coming in to be like,
you're the problem here. Fix it.
You're coming in to say I've been navigating this.
This is what I've figured out. I want us to work as a team and
you got to figure out where do you want to be in five years
time? We used to say that all the
time. Where do you want to be?
Do you want to be closer together?
If so, the conversation is important and you need to work
as a team towards that goal. And then I believe every single
one of these examples and the ones we didn't read today
because we didn't have time, you can work closer to get none of
them are a make or break If you're willing to be curious and
work through these things. This is what couples navigate.
This is what the strong couples that you have in your life that
you see and you wish you could have a relationship like.
That's what they've navigated to get to where they are.
Everyone has these things that they navigate.
So it's an important and an exciting part of relationships
to explore these things. So that is Reddit stories.
Reddit stories on how can I raise this issue?
Thank you for being with us. Until next time.
Thanks guys, good chat.