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Honey, we need to chat. 
Hey guys, welcome back to 

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another episode of Honey. 
We Need to chat. 

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This is the podcast all about 
relationship and communication 

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in the relationship. 
Other way around. 

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I should have said that 
communication in the 

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relationship. 
Anyway, either way, we talk 

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about stuff. 
Those are our keywords. 

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The words that we use in this. 
We are that podcast. 

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Yeah, we are the one. 
We are the one that does that. 

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If you are here for the first 
time, thank you guys so much for

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tuning in. 
If you were here for not the 

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first time, welcome back. 
Great to have you back. 

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You being here tells us 
something about you, right? 

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It tells us that you don't want 
a surface level relationship. 

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It tells us that you understand 
that this takes work, this takes

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commitment and you have that 
curiosity and that willingness 

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to grow and learn. 
So that is amazing. 

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Thank you so much for tuning in.
If you find value in this 

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podcast and would love to help 
us out, please, please, please 

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do all the things like share, 
subscribe, comment, all that 

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stuff goes a long way for us. 
We don't make any money from 

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this podcast. 
So well, this is just our time 

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to connect with you guys. 
We've been so fortunate and 

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blessed to be invested in in our
relationship. 

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We've had opportunities to grow 
together and we continue to grow

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and we want to grow with you and
we just find value and action in

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that. 
So thank you so much for tuning 

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in. 
I am Blair mines Blair, this is 

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my wife Amy, and we are just 
your everyday couple going 

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through your everyday struggles 
to show you that you can too. 

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So thank you so much for being 
here, guys. 

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Yeah, thank you so much for 
being here. 

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We're really excited to dive 
into this conversation today. 

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This is one of those kind of 
broad dynamics. 

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We've had a few episodes like 
this where it's like, yes, this 

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isn't everything, everyone 
thing. 

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Yeah. 
And this is another one of those

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broad dynamics that plays out in
relationships, and it's called 

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unspoken contracts. 
And we're going to dive into a 

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little bit about what exactly 
these are and how they might 

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play out in relationships. 
Yeah, in a little bit. 

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But how are you out of town 
today, babe? 

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It's a good question. 
You tell me you're gonna ask me 

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that question. 
Freezed. 

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Yeah. 
I reckon I'm a nine. 

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I am a busy 9. 
I went for a walk this morning 

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and even woke up a little bit 
early this morning. 

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My mind was busy and it was 
actually nice because I wasn't 

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stressed. 
Yeah, it was busy and I could 

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tell that difference between 
like anxious, stress, work 

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stuff, overwhelmed, too busy. 
And I'm like, Oh no, this is 

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manageable. 
I like, it sucks that I woke up 

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early, but it's manageable. 
It's not like me, I'm gonna do 

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all this stuff. 
It's like, OK, no, this is what 

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I gotta do. 
And and. 

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Cool, I love that. 
Yeah, sounds good. 

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How are you? 
Yeah, I'm probably a nine as 

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well. 
This is a very busy week for me 

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too. 
It is. 

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This is show week. 
So you would have heard over the

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last few episodes I was talking 
about the show that I'm in, 

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which has come from away and 
that is opening tomorrow night, 

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which is really exciting. 
Tomorrow night for us when we're

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recording. 
Not for when this comes out. 

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When this comes out, I'll be on 
the other side of opening 

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weekend and I will be hopefully 
feeling great or exhausted. 

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But yeah, very busy every night.
Rehearsals from I have to be 

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there at 5:00 till like 10:30. 
It's been a lot. 

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And that's just going to 
continue. 

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But it's also the exciting part 
of the show, seeing it all come 

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together, seeing the lights and 
that kind of thing. 

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So that's why I look the way I 
do today. 

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No makeup because I'm going to 
have a lot of makeup on tonight.

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So I put my glasses on in case 
you're watching. 

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This is tired face, Amy. 
You can't tell because I got my 

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glasses on now. 
You can tell because I told you.

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But. 
The glasses are magic. 

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Yeah, they are magic. 
You don't need them. 

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Oh, thanks, baby. 
All right, well, let's dive into

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this, this dynamic unspoken 
contracts. 

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I had an image that came to mind
as I was preparing for this, and

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it kind of summarises everything
we do on this podcast. 

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And I was thinking about how if 
something's wrong with your car,

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you can open the boot of your 
car, not the boot on it. 

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You can open the bottle in your 
car. 

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This is just going to really 
reinforce the point I'm about to

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make and see an engine and 
people like me don't know 

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anything about what's happening.
Like I can probably identify a 

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few things. 
I know where I put water when I 

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need to fill the water, and I 
know where the battery is. 

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What's the waterfall? 
To keep the car, it's just to do

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the windshields. 
And and radiate it too, but you 

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put. 
Yep. 

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Anyway, so to just really, 
really hone in on this point, I 

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don't know anything about what's
happening under the bonnet of 

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the car, but I do know that 
that's where things run. 

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And I know that the more I 
learn, if I was to study what 

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goes on in the engine of a car, 
I would start to learn about the

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different systems that make the 
car run. 

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There's different systems in 
this engine that works together 

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to make the car work. 
And so when you're someone like 

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a mechanic trying to problem 
solve why a car isn't working 

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the way it's supposed to work, 
you have understanding of how 

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these different systems work so 
you can look at it and it makes 

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sense. 
And it's a little bit the same 

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with relationships. 
We have relationships. 

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I know when I get behind the 
wheel of my car, I turn it on 

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and I can drive and it can drive
smoothly for the most part. 

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Every now and then things get 
clunky, things break down, 

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things just come to a screeching
halt, and that's where I don't 

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have that education to know 
what's happening there. 

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So as relationships unfold, we 
can have really smooth rides. 

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And a lot of the time when you 
first get together, you have a 

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really smooth ride. 
It's kind of like honeymoon 

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period, you hear people call it,
and it's like your drive to be 

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together, the excitement that 
comes with that, everything 

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being new and fresh and all of 
that sort of stuff makes it feel

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very smooth. 
And then the more you go, the 

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more normal life comes in, the 
more you need to start to learn 

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what's going on under the bonnet
of your relationship and what 

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systems are maybe failing or 
need a little bit of support to 

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make them work better. 
And each of these frameworks we 

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go through is like a new system 
that we're learning in the 

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engine. 
So it's like a new lens to look 

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at when we're trying to be like,
why something off? 

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So that could be the love 
languages, that could be the 

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Four Horsemen. 
All these different 

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terminologies that we've been 
putting to these systems help us

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diagnose what is happening when 
we're having something running 

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rough or when something's just 
not working the way it's meant 

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to. 
And that's the same with this. 

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This is a system that runs for 
everybody. 

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It's like just, it happens in 
relationships and it runs for 

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everybody. 
But until you have a framework 

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or like an education on what it 
is, you might not even know that

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it's happening. 
And then when something goes 

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wrong, you don't know how to 
tackle it. 

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You don't know how to identify 
where along the way it's fallen 

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apart. 
I just need to say before we 

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move on, 'cause it's gonna stay 
in my head. 

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I said that you put water in the
radiator. 

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You can put water in the 
radiator, but you need to put 

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call on in the. 
Radiator Blair needs to prove 

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that he knows the. 
System. 

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No, I just know. 
It's not that. 

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It's like I feel like someone 
gonna listen. 

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It's like you're an idiot. 
Like No, no, I know, but you 

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don't. 
He knows that I know. 

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Yeah, it's a little bit like on 
YouTube right now. 

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I'm being trolled for how I say 
assume. 

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And I'm so sorry that I say 
assume wrong. 

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But it's also so funny because 
it's just boosting our 

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engagement on the real, on the 
video that we put up. 

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Yeah, people are like assume. 
Yeah, assume. 

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And then I ask my friends, they 
all say assume. 

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Yeah, I say assume. 
Yeah. 

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So I know that it's assume it's.
Probably it's. 

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Probably Aussie. 
Yeah, probably Aussie, Yeah. 

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We're lazy speakers, Yeah, to 
back off, back off, but also 

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it's hilarious and keep going. 
You're welcome to get. 

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Our engagement. 
Yeah, if you're really hyped up 

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about this radiator thing, 
please feel free to share it how

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you feel. 
Look at this guy say this stupid

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thing about the radiator. 
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 

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Tell us. 
Tell me two mean things about 

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me, but tell me one nice thing 
about me. 

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Yeah, I'd appreciate that. 
I'll be the nice thing. 

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Thanks. 
Yeah. 

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All right, Well, now that we got
the clarification, I could see 

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it in your face as I'm 
explaining to you. 

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I was like, am I off? 
Am I not making sense? 

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And then you're bargaining me 
radiator. 

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So that's how it works in a car.
And that's just a picture that 

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helps me when I was trying to 
figure out like how to bring up 

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these topics. 
I think it it's helpful. 

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The more clarity we have. 
That's why we have this podcast.

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That's why we discuss these 
things. 

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That's why communication is so 
important and why learning about

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yourself is so important. 
None of these things we've 

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talked about is the thing. 
Like none of them is. 

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That's the one thing you need 
and then you're going to be 

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fine. 
They all work together to build 

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a picture of who you are as 
individuals and how you're 

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working as a relationship and 
then help you to strengthen it 

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as you go. 
And this is another one of those

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things. 
So this is unspoken contracts. 

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If you are in relationship with 
anybody, you you have unspoken 

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contracts. 
They just naturally start to 

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form the more time you spend 
with people. 

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I just wanna say as well, before
we move on, just all these 

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things that are in my head, 
Yeah, I'm using my mug one of 

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our listeners sent in, which is 
really nice. 

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It's a Star Wars mug that like, 
lights up all these lightsabers 

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when it's it's hot and then they
go down when it's not hot. 

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This is an observation episode. 
It is. 

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It's a Chitty Chitty. 
Yeah, chit chat. 

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All right, so unspoken 
contracts, if you're in 

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relationship either friendships,
romantic relationships, 

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families, even work, everybody 
has these built unspoken 

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contracts. 
They start slowly. 

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They start for a number of 
reasons. 

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You could be bringing in family 
history, traditions, what you've

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seen and experienced when you're
growing up. 

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You could just find yourself in 
a natural rhythm when you're 

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coexisting with somebody that 
start to form into just a 

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pattern. 
And basically it's, it's not a 

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contract you sit down and you 
agree on, though sometimes you 

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will have that sort of thing. 
So we had premarital, premarital

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counselling before we got 
married and there were things 

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that they had highlighted for us
to discuss. 

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So things like what tasks around
the house will do and that kind 

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of thing. 
That was a conversation we had, 

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but we also would have fallen 
into patterns like that even if 

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we hadn't had the verbal 
conversation. 

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So you don't sit down and 
draught a contract. 

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But they are little 
understandings that start to 

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build over time about who's 
going to fill what role and how 

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you're going to coexist. 
They're really normal. 

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They're in every relationship, 
and they are not bad themselves.

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So just to be clear as we start,
these unspoken contracts are not

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bad and they're just natural. 
And when things aren't working 

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well, they need to be assessed 
and maybe discussed and figure 

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out how to make it balance and 
work a little bit better for you

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as a family and as a 
relationship. 

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But they aren't bad in and of 
themselves. 

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Even the ones that are out of 
balance, they're not bad. 

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They're just a natural way that 
we exist in the world. 

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So just have a bit of grace for 
yourself with them too. 

229
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:29,560
They help us to create structure
in our lives, in our 

230
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,800
relationships, predictability in
our relationships. 

231
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,520
They help us to just survive. 
They help us to maintain the 

232
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,200
things we need to maintain as 
adults to their, their, how we 

233
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,800
figure out who's going to, you 
know, make dinner, who's going 

234
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,080
to pick up the kids, who's going
to manage the bills, who's going

235
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,400
to work, who's going to blah, 
blah, blah. 

236
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,280
That's how they work for us and 
they serve a purpose for us, but

237
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,400
we're not always aware of them. 
And often we're not aware of 

238
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,640
them until something isn't 
working very well. 

239
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,720
And then we'll start to, we 
might not even be aware that 

240
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,280
that system's playing out, but 
we'll start to be like something

241
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,760
is not right and we can start to
see some of the symptoms of it 

242
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,800
not functioning well. 
So they exist and that's normal,

243
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,560
but we just need to be careful 
to put some intentionality 

244
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,080
around it. 
So that's what unspoken 

245
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,520
contracts are. 
We're going to look at some 

246
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,920
examples of how they might be 
playing out because it's a big 

247
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,080
concept and I want to get a 
little bit more specific on it. 

248
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,920
So, and it's funny, when I was 
writing these up as well, all of

249
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,880
these have played out for us and
all of them have flip flopped 

250
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,000
over the time as well. 
So you may or may not resonate 

251
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,120
with one side of this, but just 
have a listen to some of these 

252
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,040
examples. 
One is the financial manager. 

253
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:36,600
So one person might start to 
naturally take charge of the 

254
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:40,400
finances and they might just 
naturally have, they either have

255
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,720
a framework for finances before 
they come in. 

256
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:47,040
Maybe they've seen that parent 
in their family manage finances.

257
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,760
Maybe they've got their own 
savings going, they've got their

258
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,240
own accounts going. 
That was you and we got 

259
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,440
together. 
Blair was a lot further ahead in

260
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,920
financial independence and 
maturity than I was. 

261
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,800
So you had systems in place, you
became the person that was that 

262
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,840
overseas our savings and you 
have like our accounts and you 

263
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,480
have a structure. 
But then interestingly, another,

264
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,080
you know, another person or the 
same person might cover all the 

265
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,440
bills. 
I was that person. 

266
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,040
So when we got married, I just 
became the bill person. 

267
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,800
And I don't think you would have
any idea about the bills that 

268
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,960
get paid for the most part. 
No, no, they just sort of come. 

269
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,920
Through, yeah, they just come 
through and I do, and I've 

270
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,120
managed them since the very 
beginning. 

271
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,320
Don't know where that happened. 
Just started happening and it 

272
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,360
became an unspoken contract. 
Someone might be tracking, you 

273
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,680
know, how we're going 
financially. 

274
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,480
Another person might have 
absolutely no idea, like one 

275
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,480
partner might be completely in 
the dark. 

276
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:38,160
And I've had friends voice to me
that they, they're like, oh, I 

277
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,760
really don't know anything about
our finances. 

278
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,600
And there's a bit of a concern 
there because if something 

279
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,160
happens, they're going to have a
very steep learning curve or 

280
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,120
they won't know where the 
information is that they need to

281
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,040
get. 
So that might be one way you see

282
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,280
an unspoken contract playing out
in your relationship. 

283
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:58,320
Another really important one is 
an intimacy initiator, and this 

284
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,600
has also played out for us where
you fall into a pattern from the

285
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,920
beginning for whatever reason, 
whatever context that one 

286
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:09,120
partner initiates intimacy, even
affection initiates affection 

287
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,200
and intimacy in any way. 
And the other person becomes 

288
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,120
more and more and more just the 
receiver or the recipient or the

289
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,920
person that decides yes or no. 
But that can be a pattern that 

290
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,640
you fall into. 
We've had that play out for us 

291
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,560
as well. 
And it's really interesting 

292
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:29,160
because as you look at these 
patterns, it might feel easy to 

293
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,160
you to identify all this 
person's the sacrificial one or 

294
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,600
the good one or the hard working
1, and this person's the one 

295
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,560
that's being lazy or the one 
that's like not carrying their 

296
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,240
weight or something like that. 
But the interesting dynamic with

297
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,920
these contracts is there's 
impacts both sides. 

298
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:47,440
So when we've had this one play 
out, for example, you became the

299
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:51,960
initiator and we've had 
conversations where started to 

300
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,240
be like, I would really like you
to initiate a little bit. 

301
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:59,480
But my perspective of it was I 
felt less and less like I had 

302
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,840
autonomy or like choice in this 
space because of different 

303
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,160
things that played out. 
And so I was more and more 

304
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,880
pulling back from initiating. 
And from your perspective, 

305
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,480
you're like, she's like feeling 
less and less wanted. 

306
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:14,120
And then I'm feeling less and 
less like capable in that space.

307
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,560
And it's just, it's such a 
dynamic contract that plays out.

308
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,400
And until we had that 
conversation, didn't know those 

309
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,120
things were happening. 
Yeah. 

310
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:22,840
Another one might be social 
keeper. 

311
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,320
So calendar keeper. 
We these all relate as well to 

312
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:28,000
some of the other topics we've 
talked about South, like mental 

313
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,440
load and emotional load. 
A lot of these play out here. 

314
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,960
Yeah. 
And like unmet needs? 

315
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,400
Unmet needs, yeah, exactly. 
Or anything, Yeah. 

316
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,400
Yeah, so someone might keep the 
calendar like this, we're going 

317
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,040
here this time or might be the 
person that responds to the 

318
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,560
social like texts and that kind 
of thing. 

319
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,120
I find that I tend to be, 
although you have been putting a

320
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,280
lot of effort in there, the one 
that will manage like your mum 

321
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,400
might message about a social 
thing for us. 

322
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,800
Even though it's your mom, I'll 
be responding to her and I'll 

323
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,720
respond to my mom and I'll 
respond to whoever else and I'll

324
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,400
be like, oh, we've got this 
party, we've got this thing, 

325
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,200
that kind of thing. 
That's just, that's what I tend 

326
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,200
to do more of. 
You're more intentional with 

327
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,440
that now. 
So you are kind of taking some 

328
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,600
of that, yeah. 
And I think as well, just to be 

329
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,240
clear, like, you know, some of 
these areas as well have been a 

330
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,640
source of frustration like, you 
know, and that's where it's been

331
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,640
a lot of work for both of us. 
So with the whole messaging 

332
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,000
thing, So for me, like I do put 
my phone away or because I get 

333
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,680
overwhelmed with my phone and 
people messaging me and so much 

334
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,360
because I'm on my working 
remotely, I get everything 

335
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,520
through phone or email or, you 
know, all these different 

336
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,920
messages, you don't have many in
person conversation. 

337
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,840
So I can have all the excuses in
the world by the end of the day 

338
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,160
that's putting out mental load 
or a burden onto you. 

339
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,760
Like that is still valid. 
So it's not saying if I 

340
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,320
responded back to that and be 
like, well, no, I have, you 

341
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,680
know, I struggle because of 
this, this and this and the 

342
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,440
struggle is still there. 
Like you still have that 

343
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,400
struggle. 
So anyway, what I'm trying to 

344
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:52,040
say is at the end of the day, 
we've had to really work through

345
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:55,240
a lot of these areas and it's 
been so important because then I

346
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:59,240
can with my strategic brain be 
like, all right, cool. 

347
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,360
Well, you know, I don't have to 
be. 

348
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,720
This is how I cannot be so 
overwhelmed with my phone, you 

349
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:06,240
know, and it's like, all right, 
well, I know this is going to be

350
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,240
a burden or a mental load onto 
Amy's or what can I do to do 

351
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:12,320
that in a way that is, is 
healthy for me as well. 

352
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,360
It's important for you but 
healthy for me. 

353
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,440
So rather than trying to cut it 
off, avoid it. 

354
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,640
You could work through different
ways and and stuff. 

355
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,000
And interestingly too on this 
one, and it'll be the same for 

356
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,360
everything, but it this one, you
know, it might look very obvious

357
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,840
like so one partner is carrying 
the mental load and the other 

358
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,200
person's just going along for 
the ride. 

359
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,920
But the idea of just being a 
passenger at the whim of the 

360
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:40,360
other person's like scheduling 
is, is also can also be a sore 

361
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,920
point. 
So just being like, we always 

362
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,520
just go where you want to go and
do what you want to do and 

363
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:45,520
you're the one that manages 
that. 

364
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,000
So there are multiple 
perspectives and multiple layers

365
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,360
that play into these things. 
And, and you guys can be like 

366
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,840
the best team about it, right? 
So one person might take more of

367
00:16:55,840 --> 00:17:00,080
a lead on calendar, for example,
but let's let's go this one 

368
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,120
actually. 
So you talked before about how I

369
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,000
more manage the savings and all 
that different accounts and 

370
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,520
stuff, but you more manage the 
bills. 

371
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,520
So how that's worked well is 
like you will communicate with 

372
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:10,920
me. 
It's like, oh, we've got these 

373
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,040
bills coming up. 
Or you might be like, look, we 

374
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,520
don't have enough, like we're 
not putting enough aside for 

375
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,240
bills. 
So I had all these different 

376
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,480
accounts for all these different
purposes, right? 

377
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:23,760
So I would budget accordingly. 
So my wage would come in and I'd

378
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,920
break it up evenly to all these 
different areas. 

379
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:29,160
And a lot of that was based off 
the conversation that you and I 

380
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,920
had about upcoming bills or 
mortgage or whatever else, 

381
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,920
right? 
So the team element is really 

382
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,680
what's really important here. 
It's not saying necessarily that

383
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,080
I, all right, so now I need to 
do all the bills because Amy's 

384
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,840
been doing all the bills and she
shouldn't be doing all the 

385
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:43,520
bills. 
It's not saying that. 

386
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,960
It's saying that, well, how does
this actually complement each 

387
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,200
other to work together when it's
not completed? 

388
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,640
Implementing is when it can be 
an issue. 

389
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,000
If you're not communicating 
about that, it's more likely 

390
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,480
going. 
To be an issue and these systems

391
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:57,240
will continue. 
So these systems at their point 

392
00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:00,800
of being aware of them is not to
make everything fair and equal 

393
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,960
because it's not going to be the
same. 

394
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,920
It just doesn't work that way. 
And this one in particular, 

395
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,960
we've had time. 
So you are over the savings and 

396
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,440
the accounts and then I was over
the bills and then we've had 

397
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,680
times where I was over the 
savings and the money because we

398
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,680
had a big chunk of money come in
and I was managing that and I 

399
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,440
was so stressed out managing 
that. 

400
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,360
Like I was really burdened all 
the time. 

401
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,440
And we had the conversation and 
then you, I was like, you take 

402
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,640
it, I don't want the money. 
I just want to manage the bills 

403
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,080
because I get very stressed if I
have to manage the money. 

404
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,520
Yeah, you get really stressed if
you don't know where the money 

405
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,680
is. 
Yeah, that's true. 

406
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,800
So or if it's like what's coming
up or whatever, because this is 

407
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,480
again and we're going to talk 
about more this soon. 

408
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,520
But in our previous episode we 
did, Amy took me through a 

409
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,440
coaching course. 
So Amy does coaching and I'm 

410
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,040
going to share about that more. 
But we did an episode on that 

411
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,440
because we had a lot of 
questions about what is 

412
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,080
coaching. 
So go check that out. 

413
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,840
But what came out of that was it
highlighted my need for 

414
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:03,000
certainty. 
I needed to know what was coming

415
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:06,240
in and what was going out so I 
can have that plan when I don't 

416
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,800
know. 
So I really struggled actually 

417
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,200
when you took most of the that 
savings and stuff, except I 

418
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,600
don't know what's happening. 
I can't, my brain just doesn't 

419
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,240
like know what's going on. 
And we've had to actually 

420
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,360
navigate this recently too, 
because we've moved to from 

421
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,000
having all of our, you know, 
money split off into different 

422
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,120
accounts, all being put into an 
offset account. 

423
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,480
And it's like, well, that's my 
budget gone. 

424
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,400
Like I had everything laid out. 
I have a whole structure now 

425
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,520
that's at a place. 
So we explored that and it would

426
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,400
do again, just highlighting so 
much how much I needed that 

427
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,720
certainty. 
So again, these conversations 

428
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,080
and this work that we do 
together is like, well, cool. 

429
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,960
Like what? 
What strengths are we bringing 

430
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,040
into the situation? 
We're not the same and we have 

431
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,840
different strengths. 
No, exactly. 

432
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,840
And that's again where the 
teamwork comes in. 

433
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,880
Yeah. 
And this is a process that has 

434
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,080
has ebbed and flowed and changed
and morphed through these 

435
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:59,920
conversations and not through 
really gentle, always 

436
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,640
communicating. 
The moment something comes up. 

437
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,440
It's like I got so stressed 
about these finance, like the 

438
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,360
savings that finally I was like,
I'm so overwhelmed by this. 

439
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,200
And then and then we like 
realise that. 

440
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,360
So we shifted and we just have 
realised your need for 

441
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:13,800
certainty. 
So we've shifted. 

442
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,280
So there's like these kinds of 
things. 

443
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,840
You have to have grace because 
you will naturally fall into a 

444
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,600
pattern and that is OK and 
normal. 

445
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,800
And having grace for yourself to
be like, what isn't working, 

446
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,680
this isn't working. 
And communicating it, having 

447
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,960
grace for your relationship that
you can change is really 

448
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:34,320
important because then you can 
change and put a new more spoken

449
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,400
contract in place that works 
better for you. 

450
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,520
So that's another one. 
Then there's this one also, 

451
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,640
every one of them, I'm like, 
yes, yes. 

452
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,920
And this is only like a list 
that there's so many more, but 

453
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,960
one person that has to be the 
calm and in control one and one 

454
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,560
person that's allowed to be more
expressive or or more 

455
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,240
overwhelmed or less in control. 
And that can be a pattern that 

456
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,840
you fall into as well. 
And we've fallen into this a 

457
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,120
little bit because I from my 
family of origin, I also felt 

458
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:07,880
like is self inflicted, but that
I had to be the manager of 

459
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,800
people's emotions. 
And so coming into our 

460
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,120
relationship, I've carried that 
into it, but I feel like I have 

461
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:17,280
to be the manager of everyone's 
emotions and your emotions. 

462
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,880
So when you were overwhelmed and
stressed, I, it wasn't just, oh,

463
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,200
my husband's overwhelmed and 
stressed. 

464
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,600
It was like, I need to now 
manage that and overcompensate 

465
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:29,600
and take ownership of it and 
make it OK and all these things 

466
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,520
that are not healthy for any of 
us. 

467
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,240
And that was the unspoken 
contract that we fell into. 

468
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,520
And now we've got a real 
intentionality from on multiple 

469
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,160
layers, but I've also got a, a 
personal intentionality to not 

470
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:46,320
own when you're overwhelmed. 
Like it's not my thing to fix 

471
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:47,840
for you. 
I'm here to support you, but I 

472
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,120
don't need to make it fine for 
you. 

473
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,640
And you also, we've also been 
having that conversation back 

474
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,720
and forth a little bit about 
about our overwhelmed levels and

475
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,520
that kind of thing as well. 
And I've had to take that 

476
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,440
responsibility of knowing that 
what what you bring to the table

477
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,640
and my reactions and what that 
what that causes for you. 

478
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:10,520
So it's also then reinforced my 
need for my intentionality, for 

479
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,880
my own self care and you know, 
recognising patterns and then 

480
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,600
putting things in place to break
those habits and patterns. 

481
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:22,240
And that's a good point because 
I bring a more complicated 

482
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:26,680
system to the table in it then 
potentially I would have had I 

483
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,720
had a different upbringing. 
So you could have been with 

484
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,840
somebody that didn't have my 
experience. 

485
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,440
And then you're working out how 
you regulate your own emotions 

486
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,160
and that kind of thing in a 
totally different way. 

487
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:41,160
But you being aware of how I, 
what kind of like triggers and 

488
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,080
that kind of thing I navigate is
also a really important part of 

489
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,920
it. 
And it has been how you've gone 

490
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,200
about it, which has been really 
helpful. 

491
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,880
So you're not just working out 
how you've naturally fallen into

492
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,200
it. 
You're also being aware of my 

493
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,440
partner has this experience and 
This is why this is a thing for 

494
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,360
them and you've got that grace 
and flexibility to explore that 

495
00:22:58,360 --> 00:22:59,960
together and I think that's 
really important. 

496
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,160
And it is, it does make it more 
difficult because there's 

497
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,440
another layer to that, right? 
So it's not just you navigating 

498
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,080
your own circumstances in your 
own situations. 

499
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:11,120
You do think of, you know, your,
I think of you, right? 

500
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:13,640
And I think of the kids. 
And there's this other layer of 

501
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,960
like, all right, well, it's no 
longer just me sorting out my 

502
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,520
stuff. 
It's like, all right, well, how 

503
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,720
is my stuff now impacting 
others? 

504
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,040
Because I need to also sort it 
in a way that it benefits them 

505
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:27,000
too. 
So for example, well, like a way

506
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,240
that I would love to be able to 
deal with my overwhelm, this is 

507
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,000
shot myself in my room for like,
you know. 

508
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,920
Yeah, yeah. 
He can't just do that. 

509
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,640
And it's and as well, it's not 
just a matter of like what I 

510
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,520
want to do. 
It's also that other level of 

511
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,640
like, how am I modelling this to
my kids too? 

512
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,480
Yeah. 
And it's like, well, I don't 

513
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,760
want them to see that I just 
shot myself in my room for an 

514
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,600
hour because I'm overwhelmed. 
I want them to see me put into 

515
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,080
healthy habits, but the healthy 
habits aren't always easy 

516
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:52,720
habits. 
So yeah, it's just that it's 

517
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,480
just that balance and that 
level. 

518
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:56,880
So the layers of it, yeah, it's 
like an onion. 

519
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:01,840
And another and last example is 
the kid manager or the work 

520
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,960
stress carrier balance. 
And that's a really common one. 

521
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,160
Again, very similar to the 
mental load conversation we've 

522
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,560
spoken about emotional load 
conversation we spoke about as 

523
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,200
well and, and, and natural 
outworking a lot of the time of 

524
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,200
your situation in new context 
and how you've been raised. 

525
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,000
So someone might manage the kids
day to day needs more. 

526
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,600
And then the other person 
probably focuses more on the 

527
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:26,600
external work, balancing of that
stress and all those dynamics 

528
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,760
that come into play. 
And you're not going to have 

529
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,640
what maybe, maybe you will, but 
most people aren't going to get 

530
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:37,440
an equal balanced, absolutely 
everyone on the same team doing 

531
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,160
the same amount of stuff for 
each of these things. 

532
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:43,000
So none of these examples are to
be like bad person, good person,

533
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,800
bad person, good person. 
All of these examples are to 

534
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,320
help you start to like explore. 
Oh yeah. 

535
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,640
These are the systems that we've
got working for us. 

536
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,600
These are the unspoken contracts
that we've fallen into without 

537
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:57,320
even realising, so that then you
can identify how well they're 

538
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,160
working for you. 
So we're going to dive back into

539
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,720
unspoken contracts in a bin. 
As I mentioned before though, 

540
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,440
and I do want to talk about this
because it's been such a 

541
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:10,320
powerful tool for me and I know 
for many other women, which has 

542
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,120
been utterly amazing. 
I say other women, I'm not a 

543
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,240
woman, but you only do these 
sessions for women. 

544
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:19,000
So anyway, that's fine, I can. 
Where and all the other women. 

545
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,640
Yeah, me and all the other 
women. 

546
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,600
Amy does coaching. 
OK, So what is coaching, you 

547
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:26,960
ask? 
And we've had this question a 

548
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,560
lot. 
So go check out episode 48 and 

549
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,920
you'll see an example of Amy 
running me through one of her 

550
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,600
sessions. 
It was just a really, really 

551
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,640
impactful session. 
And for me, I really enjoyed it 

552
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,560
and I got a lot from it. 
And we keep referencing back to 

553
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:45,360
that episode because it was so 
impactful and so identifying 

554
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:48,240
things we just don't really 
identify on our own. 

555
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,080
So go check that out. 
It's really impactful. 

556
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,480
Amy does one on one coaching. 
She also so those group coaching

557
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,840
as well. 
So if you want more information 

558
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:59,600
about these sessions, go to her 
website 

559
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,080
andnextchaptercoaching.com dot 
AU. 

560
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,520
Also, you can reach out to us 
via our own website podcast 

561
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,880
website honeymoon to chat.com 
dot AU no honeymoon. 

562
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:10,400
At chat.com. 
Honeymoon to chat.com. 

563
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,440
We'll move the AU. 
We are going to get this 

564
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,880
whatever we say. 
Read the bio. 

565
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,120
Yeah, it's all in the bio. 
It's all the info's in there. 

566
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,000
Highly recommend you check it 
out guys. 

567
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,600
I know I'm very, very biassed, 
but again, I actually have 

568
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,600
experienced this first hand. 
It's very impactful, very 

569
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,600
powerful, and you've been so 
natural at this. 

570
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,920
You did this sort of stuff 
before, you even did training to

571
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,000
become a coach, and it's just 
been so cool that you now have a

572
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,760
label to put on it and you, you 
the impact's happening and 

573
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,920
that's awesome. 
So really, really great stuff. 

574
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,880
Yeah. 
And there are free resources on 

575
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,800
my website and on our podcast 
website as well that if if you 

576
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,200
are not a woman that wants to do
group or one on one coaching, 

577
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:54,280
these resources are valuable, 
valuable and helpful to anybody.

578
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:57,000
So you're more than welcome to 
check those out, see if anything

579
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,080
resonates and what might be 
impactful there. 

580
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:00,920
Yeah, absolutely. 
That's great. 

581
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,960
Let's get back into unspoken 
contracts. 

582
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,880
Yes, let's and I want to, before
we dive into the next part, I 

583
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:11,040
really want to make an important
note before we keep, you know, 

584
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,200
when we're listening and you 
start to just build a story 

585
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,280
about how it applies to you. 
Before we keep reinforcing that 

586
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,000
story. 
I just want to shake up your 

587
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:22,200
perspective a little bit and you
might be the one listening and 

588
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,160
thinking I carry all of these 
loads or I carry these things. 

589
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:28,280
My partner's got no idea what's 
going on there. 

590
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,360
My partner's got no idea about 
how much I carry these things. 

591
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,640
And they just are in default 
passenger mode. 

592
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,240
And that may be true. 
I'm not trying to say that's not

593
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,680
true. 
But what I do want to point out 

594
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:42,120
is you function in an unspoken 
contract. 

595
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,680
There will be unspoken contracts
that you are functioning in 

596
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,520
default without even 
recognising. 

597
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,640
So it's important that we're 
keeping our mind open while 

598
00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:54,360
we're listening to this, to what
we might be doing default and 

599
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:57,520
what we might be the passenger 
in and what might be frustrating

600
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,720
our partner, what might be 
something that they see and 

601
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,160
they're like, they'd have no 
idea. 

602
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:06,680
And I guarantee you that every 
one of us is working out of a 

603
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,200
default contract that we aren't 
aware of. 

604
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:15,200
So just have that little moment 
of opening to listening where 

605
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:16,880
you might be challenged yourself
as well. 

606
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,640
We've had this happen and we've 
said this on the podcast before 

607
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:24,520
when we've had disagreements and
things come out from your 

608
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:26,800
perspective that I'm like, what 
are you talking about? 

609
00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:29,800
I think that about you. 
And it's like, and it's not how 

610
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:31,480
we go about it, but that's kind 
of like the thought. 

611
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:36,960
It is kind of like what? 
But that it's been so telling 

612
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,040
because we only see through our 
lens. 

613
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,960
And yes, that's valid. 
And this conversation is valid 

614
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,680
for people that need to 
communicate something that's 

615
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:47,480
upsetting them, but it's also 
really, really valid that you're

616
00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,360
not just like my partner's got 
no idea. 

617
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:54,440
And even if they are the default
or passenger type player in this

618
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:58,640
contract of yours, there could 
be emotional and mental and 

619
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:03,040
frustration based things going 
on for them in that role. 

620
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,240
Like we talked about the 
intimacy thing to Blair, it 

621
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,760
looked like I wasn't initiating 
and that would probably very 

622
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:11,440
easily look like I just didn't 
put the effort in or I didn't 

623
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:15,800
really care or he was unwanted. 
And to me, it was a story going 

624
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,480
on where I had felt rejected. 
So I wasn't initiating because I

625
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:20,920
didn't feel wanted. 
I wasn't initiating because I 

626
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:22,840
didn't feel like I had ownership
over that space. 

627
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:26,080
I wasn't initiating because I 
didn't feel like an independent 

628
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,040
adult, like an independent adult
with influence in this space. 

629
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:32,280
So there's a lot that goes into 
these things. 

630
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:36,320
It's not as simple as I initiate
and she doesn't, I initiate and 

631
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:38,720
she's lazy. 
Like that's not, it's not as 

632
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,480
simple as that. 
And I just want us to be really 

633
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:44,800
aware of that as we go into and 
how it might be breaking down 

634
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:48,200
and how we can practically work 
on them because we all need to 

635
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:51,040
be challenging ourselves and 
reflecting personally. 

636
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:54,480
So how you might know one of 
these contracts is breaking down

637
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:57,640
and this is usually where you'll
start to recognise you even have

638
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,920
the contract in the 1st place. 
You might find yourself with 

639
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:06,080
built up resentment of 
frustration and it could be over

640
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,160
the same things. 
It could be over everything. 

641
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:10,280
You could be finding yourself 
frustrated at every little thing

642
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:13,640
that your partner does, or it 
could be repetitive, like he is 

643
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:18,000
always on his phone and not 
helping me or she is never doing

644
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,440
anything outside, like 
everything heavy lifting or 

645
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,120
something I'm in having to do. 
Like they're whatever it is. 

646
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:26,400
You've got a recurring story, 
reoccurring frustration, built 

647
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,160
up frustration. 
You might be finding that 

648
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,320
playing out really closely ties 
into our scorekeeping episode as

649
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,040
well. 
You might find a sense of being 

650
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,280
trapped in a role that you 
didn't sign up for, frustrated 

651
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:39,960
in a role that you didn't want 
and just be like, how did I get 

652
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:41,160
here? 
And you don't even know. 

653
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,720
And that also really, really 
plays into the mental load 

654
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:45,920
conversation that we've had, 
emotional load, mental load 

655
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:48,800
conversation. 
You find yourselves carrying all

656
00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:50,360
of this stuff that you're like, 
hang on a second. 

657
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,040
How did I carry all of this 
stuff all of a sudden? 

658
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:57,840
And a really interesting way of 
this playing out is when you're 

659
00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:02,160
a mom and a, when your parents, 
a lot of moms express how 

660
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:04,840
trapped we feel in terms of 
being able to just go out. 

661
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:09,400
So a dad generally speaking, 
will be like, oh, I'm going to 

662
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,160
go do this thing on this time. 
They walk out the door and they 

663
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:15,720
go do that thing on that time. 
And mom tends to generally 

664
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:19,280
speaking, when there's an 
imbalance here, be like, I need 

665
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,120
to go do that thing. 
So I'm going to make sure 

666
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:22,720
everyone's sorted. 
I'm going to make sure I've 

667
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,120
stepped my partner all the way 
through everything he's going to

668
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:27,880
have to do while I'm gone. 
I'm going to make sure that the 

669
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,360
kids are OK. 
I'm going to make sure that I'm 

670
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,040
back in time. 
Like there's all these other 

671
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:32,600
things. 
It's not just I'm walking out 

672
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:34,080
the door to go do this thing I 
need to do. 

673
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:37,360
And that's, that's one way. 
You might be seeing this trapped

674
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,880
feeling playing out. 
You might find yourself having 

675
00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,120
recurring arguments about 
fairness, like something doesn't

676
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,680
feel fair. 
Who does more again, the 

677
00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:48,120
scorekeeping, arguing about 
what's expected or mismatched 

678
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,400
expectations. 
You might find one person is 

679
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:54,680
pulling back from a task all of 
a sudden, like they're just 

680
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:55,920
like, no, I'm not doing that 
anymore. 

681
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,760
And this can be an interesting 
one to play out because you 

682
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:02,200
might realise you might be like,
hang on, why do I, why do I 

683
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,360
always have to get the 
groceries? 

684
00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:04,760
I'm not going to do the 
groceries anymore. 

685
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,240
Then it might be like a kind of 
frustrated reaction. 

686
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:10,200
And it can feel satisfying 
because you're like, no, this is

687
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:13,120
a system that's not serving me. 
But then for the other person to

688
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,680
have all of a sudden their 
partner pulling out of an 

689
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:18,280
unspoken contract that we've, 
you've now built your 

690
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:20,680
relationship to function in 
these rhythms. 

691
00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:23,440
And then this person just like 
pulls out of it without even 

692
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,200
communicating. 
If you don't have that 

693
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:28,040
conversation and that 
understanding of the system 

694
00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:30,800
they've just decided isn't 
working for them anymore, that's

695
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,880
really lurching and like really 
disorienting as well and can 

696
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:39,040
look like quite an aggressive 
move or can look like, you know,

697
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:43,160
that kind of resentment, 
stonewalling, whatever process 

698
00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:46,560
playing out as well so that the 
conversation needs to come with 

699
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:48,360
that. 
You might feel invisible, 

700
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:51,480
underappreciated or exhausted. 
You might feel like you're on 

701
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:53,960
opposite teams, like you're 
we've talked about being 

702
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:56,280
roommates before as well. 
And here you might just feel 

703
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,880
like you're not connecting. 
You're on opposite teams, you're

704
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:02,760
not even really like interacting
because of these systems that 

705
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:04,120
you're just playing out all the 
time. 

706
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:08,880
And you might feel a feeling of 
staleness or lack of intimacy 

707
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:11,240
again with the roommate type 
vibe or just be like, I don't 

708
00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:13,280
really know. 
Like I see people all the time 

709
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:15,960
on forums saying I don't think I
love my partner anymore. 

710
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,320
And it's not because of any big 
thing, It's just that they've 

711
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,200
realised I don't really love my 
partner anymore, which is a 

712
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:22,840
whole conversation in and of 
itself. 

713
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:26,640
But I think that staleness 
happens because you're not 

714
00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:27,960
something's not functioning 
well. 

715
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,840
There's something that's not 
fulfilling you and there's a 

716
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:32,920
system playing out that isn't 
working well. 

717
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,440
So these are just some of the 
signs that a system might not be

718
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:38,840
working. 
Well, one of these unspoken 

719
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,440
contracts is out of place. 
So you might start to notice 

720
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,160
that one of these unspoken 
contracts isn't working for you.

721
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:47,480
Or you need to start like really
assessing me, like, what is this

722
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:49,400
at play? 
That's just not, it's feeling 

723
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,560
rough. 
That engine light is on, the car

724
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:54,840
is making a weird noise. 
Maybe it just stops. 

725
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,240
So let's figure out how we can 
bring these things back into a 

726
00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:02,120
constructive way. 
So firstly, and as we always 

727
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:04,760
say, start with curiosity. 
What is happening? 

728
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,960
Where did this start? 
You might then have a framework 

729
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:11,239
for, oh, I think I'm frustrated 
because I always do dinners or I

730
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:13,679
always have to keep our menu 
cool. 

731
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,199
Have curiosity with your partner
in that conversation as well. 

732
00:34:17,199 --> 00:34:20,360
Then how has this happened? 
Where did it start? 

733
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,040
Do you, does it feel fair? 
Can we assess things? 

734
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:26,040
A curious, gentle mindset when 
you're approaching these things 

735
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:28,600
is really helpful because these 
are defaults. 

736
00:34:28,639 --> 00:34:31,280
They're things you've built 
together, even if it feels like 

737
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:33,320
it's unfair at that time. 
So it's really important that 

738
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:37,360
you're open to that 
conversation, identifying how it

739
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:40,960
was made or started us having 
these conversations about like 

740
00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:46,560
the overwhelm one, for example, 
if I was just like I, I get 

741
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:49,120
really overwhelmed when you're 
overwhelmed and I didn't explain

742
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:53,120
it's because I, I have had this 
experience in my childhood that 

743
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,800
now I've brought into our 
family, then it wouldn't it's, 

744
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:59,600
it lacks the clarity around it. 
And that's been really critical.

745
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,120
And we bring this up quite a lot
is having that attitude of 

746
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,280
curiosity. 
So it's like, all right, I've 

747
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:06,320
struggled with this thing. 
I'm overwhelmed. 

748
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,560
And it's not the answer now is 
it's like, oh, Blair just gets 

749
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:11,480
overwhelmed. 
Like then we leave it there. 

750
00:35:11,720 --> 00:35:14,480
So we can't do that thing 
because Blair's now overwhelmed.

751
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,040
It's like, well, no, I now need 
to go through this self 

752
00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:20,680
reflection part of like, well, 
and when we do this together a 

753
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,960
lot, it's not even just solo, 
but it's just like, well, why am

754
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:25,280
I getting overwhelmed? 
And then what, you know, what's 

755
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,600
triggering that or, and then 
what do I do about that? 

756
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:32,240
And just exploring that a lot 
more is being really, really 

757
00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:34,200
important to do. 
Yeah, it's so easy. 

758
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:36,200
It is so easy just to be like, 
well, I'm overwhelmed. 

759
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:38,320
And yeah, when you're 
overwhelmed, you don't want to 

760
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:39,200
have to deal with it. 
So. 

761
00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:41,160
But it's always important to go 
back. 

762
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:43,600
Afterwards, you don't have to 
force your brain and your brain 

763
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:45,960
when it's in survival mode or 
frustration mode or whatever, 

764
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:49,640
it's not going to think very 
well in that curious curiosity 

765
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:52,800
way or the big picture kind of 
clear way. 

766
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,080
So it's OK to wait and come back
to that. 

767
00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:57,480
But yeah, being like, why do I 
keep finding this pattern 

768
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,920
playing out for me? 
Where am I to have started? 

769
00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:02,280
I'm just stripping it back and 
back and back until you can find

770
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:06,400
the core part of where it may 
may have come in, in the 1st 

771
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:07,680
place. 
Also being like, have we 

772
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,520
actually agreed on this or is it
something that we just fell 

773
00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:12,640
into? 
Because we have had 

774
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:14,720
conversations at the beginning 
of our marriage that we did 

775
00:36:14,720 --> 00:36:17,720
agree on and we've then had 
conversations where we're like, 

776
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,520
that's not working anymore. 
Let's do it this way. 

777
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,400
We've also had systems that we 
didn't ever agree on. 

778
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,240
It wasn't like a conversation we
had and we decided intentionally

779
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,080
and same things happen. 
It's not working for us anymore.

780
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:31,280
Let's figure out what's going 
on. 

781
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:34,720
So this is a little like 
questionnaire you can kind of 

782
00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:38,040
ask yourself to try and figure 
out what system might be broken,

783
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:40,040
what might be going on for 
yourself. 

784
00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:43,560
What is feeling awful 
frustrating me right now in this

785
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:46,960
relationship? 
Is something feeling not right? 

786
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:50,800
Is there a role or task I used 
to feel OK with but now I feel 

787
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:52,600
resentment or exhaustion around 
it? 

788
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:55,160
What's something I wish my 
partner would help with or take 

789
00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:57,280
over? 
But I've never really said it 

790
00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:00,120
out loud. 
And I would add to this as well,

791
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:03,480
when you haven't said it out 
loud what it means to you. 

792
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,360
So it might be like in the 
moment, you might be like, can 

793
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,080
you please do this thing? 
Can you please take the rubber 

794
00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:09,600
shot? 
Can you please take the rubber 

795
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:10,720
shot? 
Can you please take the rubber 

796
00:37:10,720 --> 00:37:11,920
shot? 
And you find yourself repeating 

797
00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:16,520
that expressing when you, when I
have to keep reminding you to 

798
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:18,720
take the rubbish out. 
I feel like I'm being your mom 

799
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:21,880
or I feel like I'm having to 
carry your task for you and my 

800
00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:23,840
task for me. 
And I've got so many tasks and 

801
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:26,040
that's overwhelming. 
That's a different conversation 

802
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:27,440
than can you please take the 
rubbish out? 

803
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:29,280
Can you please, please take the 
rubbish out, please. 

804
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:33,560
Like it's you're not owning 
their lack of ownership, but 

805
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:37,480
you're adding clarity to why, 
how it's impacting you and why 

806
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:39,720
it's so important to you. 
And even asking the question 

807
00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:41,880
too, I find this with someone 
like with work, right? 

808
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:46,360
If I have to ask someone like, 
why isn't something get getting 

809
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:47,640
done? 
It's not just a matter. 

810
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:49,800
I don't just leave it there. 
It's like, all right, cool. 

811
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:51,280
But what, what's going to 
change? 

812
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:55,000
How's this going to change? 
Because I can't, I can't own 

813
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:57,360
your stuff. 
Like you need to own your stuff.

814
00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:00,320
And So what will change? 
And so, but sometimes I input, a

815
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:03,400
lot of times I input into that, 
that discussion and that journey

816
00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:05,040
and that's that. 
Again, that's teamwork. 

817
00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:07,680
But then they they earn the 
responsibility of implementing 

818
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:08,520
that change. 
Yeah. 

819
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,920
Yeah, and that helps identify if
there's something not working 

820
00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:13,880
along the way. 
Are there things I have stopped 

821
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:16,480
doing because I felt unseen or 
it felt unfair? 

822
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,640
But we've never discussed it. 
So those are just some ways you 

823
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:24,040
can be like what's broken? 
Where is it broken and how can 

824
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:27,440
we have that conversation? 
So then once you've identified 

825
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:30,880
those things, just be proactive,
be pre planning. 

826
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:34,280
Like when this comes up again, I
get really overwhelmed. 

827
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:38,720
When I have to manage the 
savings, I get really 

828
00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:41,640
overwhelmed. 
So I just, I, my brain just 

829
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,360
shuts down. 
You don't get overwhelmed. 

830
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:46,440
What if you manage your savings,
but you get overwhelmed if you 

831
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:49,120
have to constantly be on top of 
our emails and figure out what 

832
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,040
bills have come in. 
And that's fine for me. 

833
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:53,360
If you've got the money, I've 
got the bills, that's fine. 

834
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:57,360
So it's a proactive pre planning
of what works with your skills 

835
00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:00,520
and your time and your capacity 
and what will make this an 

836
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,000
easier process for you down the 
track. 

837
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:05,200
And when you need to actually 
like work on your own stuff 

838
00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:08,640
rather than just like as a team.
So for example, you know, in 

839
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:11,680
some areas I, I remember I've 
brought, I've said to you a few 

840
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:14,360
times, like I want to, I don't 
want to sit down because if I 

841
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:17,440
sit down, I'm, I'm sat down, but
like, I'm already up and I'm 

842
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:20,280
active and I know when I'm, I'm 
moving around, I'm going to get 

843
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,520
more done in this time. 
And I know if I sit down, I'm 

844
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:25,680
going to just as it goes be a 
struggle for me to get up. 

845
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:30,200
So working working around those 
strengths and identifying those 

846
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:32,320
times as well. 
Yeah, yeah, exactly. 

847
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:35,240
And you can even start with a 
gentle observation too, and be 

848
00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:39,920
like, I find that I'm getting 
really overwhelmed with our 

849
00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:41,840
savings. 
Like I'm, I'm finding that 

850
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:43,880
really overwhelming. 
Can we address this later so 

851
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:47,000
that you've voiced it? 
You don't have to have it all 

852
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:48,280
figured out. 
You don't have to have a big 

853
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:49,880
script all worked out. 
You've voiced it. 

854
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:51,760
We need to address this. 
I'm getting overwhelmed. 

855
00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:54,880
And then you're both able to be 
like, OK, let's address this 

856
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:56,760
down the track. 
Name the contract. 

857
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:02,920
So it seems like I've always 
done the finances and that's OK,

858
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:04,680
but I'm feeling burnt out with 
it. 

859
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:07,680
So what would make it better for
both of us? 

860
00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:10,320
What's a way that we can kind of
share a little bit of that load 

861
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:12,840
and both be across the things 
that are important for us to 

862
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:15,440
both be across? 
And I think that's important to 

863
00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:18,520
address as well, right? 
So sometimes we can approach 

864
00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:21,440
these conversations be like, 
right, I'm struggling with this,

865
00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:24,600
do something about it. 
And now that thing is just 

866
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,240
putting that on the other person
and like, I know how that would 

867
00:40:27,240 --> 00:40:29,160
make me feel. 
I'll be like, well, I don't 

868
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:30,120
know. 
I haven't been a part of the 

869
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:33,360
process to know what I can do. 
Like so now do I do it all? 

870
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,200
But what if I get overwhelmed 
while you've shared that you've 

871
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:37,640
overwhelmed. 
So I'm just going to do it. 

872
00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:40,520
I think what's really important 
is having that conversation 

873
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,320
again, curiosity, but also 
working through and coming out 

874
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:46,200
with that. 
What is overwhelming about it? 

875
00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:48,240
You know what, what, what can I 
do? 

876
00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:51,200
And how can we do this together 
rather than yeah. 

877
00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,000
Yeah, yeah. 
Because I could have been like, 

878
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,360
I can't deal with finances. 
You take it all. 

879
00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:58,320
But that's not how it ended up 
being. 

880
00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:01,760
It's like, I'll keep this part. 
That one part stresses me out so

881
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:03,760
much. 
You take that if you can't 

882
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:06,600
figure this out. 
One of the really kind of fun 

883
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:09,000
ways and something that's kind 
of been thrust upon us. 

884
00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:12,720
We haven't really done this 
intentionally on purpose. 

885
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:15,960
It's just happened to us is 
trying an experiment of swapping

886
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:18,720
roles for a short time. 
So even for a week being like 

887
00:41:18,720 --> 00:41:22,960
for a week you do the groceries 
and see if that is any better. 

888
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:26,080
Not in like a you do it, but 
just like just challenging 

889
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:27,720
yourselves. 
And we've had that where we've 

890
00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:31,000
had to swap roles, yeah. 
One of the huge, one of the most

891
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:34,600
impactful times, I think was 
when we moved out of Melbourne 

892
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:37,800
during COVID and you were 
working and I was a stay at home

893
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,720
dad. 
That was such an eye opener of 

894
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:43,560
changing those roles and and a 
whole other level of 

895
00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:46,080
appreciation. 
But understanding, right? 

896
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:48,280
And then we just were able to 
address different things because

897
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:51,440
like, now I get it or now I see 
or whatever else because we 

898
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,960
experienced it and that as well 
equipped us with conversations. 

899
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:56,760
So many. 
Yeah, so much more conversations

900
00:41:56,760 --> 00:41:59,400
because of the experience. 
Yeah, so many more that we 

901
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:01,000
started a podcast. 
Wow. 

902
00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:02,920
Yeah. 
And groceries is a good example 

903
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:04,320
too. 
We had this conversation about 

904
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:07,200
groceries when we first started 
exploring mental load. 

905
00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:10,000
Yeah. 
And then you now do groceries 

906
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:15,560
like 90% of the time and we've 
swapped and and we're both much 

907
00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:17,560
more aware of how it works out 
now. 

908
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:20,520
Yeah, and even even to a point 
now we're trying to get our kids

909
00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:22,160
to help us put the shopping 
lists together. 

910
00:42:22,240 --> 00:42:24,920
We want to teach them like about
mental load and stuff like that 

911
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:25,400
too. 
But. 

912
00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:27,840
Yeah, yeah. 
So there's a lot of ways you can

913
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:29,480
practically step through. 
Yeah. 

914
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:32,680
I think the core of all of it is
gentleness and curiosity. 

915
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:37,040
These systems aren't bad, 
they're not horrible systems. 

916
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,760
They've been serving a purpose 
for you. 

917
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:41,320
There's a reason that they 
happened as default and 

918
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:42,760
sometimes they just don't work 
anymore. 

919
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:46,520
So recognising where you need 
some assistance, recognising how

920
00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:50,080
you can bring that conversation 
up and also being aware and 

921
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:53,280
mindful of the fact that it's a 
layered and dynamic situation. 

922
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:56,280
It's not just your perspective 
is right and their perspective 

923
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,280
is wrong. 
Once you can start to identify 

924
00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:01,720
what systems are at play, you 
can also then look under that 

925
00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:06,000
bonnet of your car and be like, 
the radiator's not working 

926
00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:07,960
because the water didn't get put
in. 

927
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,440
Cool, cool in Yeah. 
You can put water in too. 

928
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:11,840
And I get it, Lee. 
There's two things. 

929
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,880
Yeah, we know how much you know 
about the radiator. 

930
00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:15,600
And cool water is another 
option, right? 

931
00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:18,600
Whatever, It's such a boring 
conversation that I I can't even

932
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:20,480
this the car system's obviously 
not mine. 

933
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:23,400
All right, we're going to walk 
into the reality check corner. 

934
00:43:23,400 --> 00:43:24,560
It's walk it. 
Walk it. 

935
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:28,080
So we're just going to bring 
these things we've spoken about,

936
00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:31,160
make them applicable in short, 
quick, easy ways right now. 

937
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:35,000
They can apply to your day, to 
your life, to your week, this 

938
00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:37,600
this week. 
And you can implement them and 

939
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:40,200
challenge yourself to start 
adjusting some of these ways 

940
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:41,200
that they're working out for 
you. 

941
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:45,080
So I just want us to pause for a
second and reflect. 

942
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,560
Is there a place in your 
relationship where you have felt

943
00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:51,360
stuck or tense lately? 
Have you felt an increase of 

944
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,720
pent up frustration and in a 
certain area of your life? 

945
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:58,200
And can you name the unspoken 
contract that might be playing 

946
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:00,240
out behind that? 
And a little quick challenge for

947
00:44:00,240 --> 00:44:03,760
you is what is one small shift 
that you could suggest this week

948
00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:06,800
to bring more clarity or balance
to one of these unspoken 

949
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,720
contracts? 
So something like, I realise as 

950
00:44:09,720 --> 00:44:12,080
I've been taking on this thing, 
taking on this thing, and I'd 

951
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:15,120
love to talk about a way we can 
do it in a better way that 

952
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:17,520
serves us better. 
Or I feel more secure when we 

953
00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:21,040
check in about plans instead of 
just assuming we're going to go 

954
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:24,600
with what you've planned. 
Or I'm really overwhelmed by 

955
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:26,400
having our bank savings in my 
account. 

956
00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:29,760
Can I put them in your account? 
And then just a quick future 

957
00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:33,040
pace to borrow from the 
direction we want to go, borrow 

958
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:35,040
from this future that we'd love 
to work towards. 

959
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:39,040
Imagine a few weeks from now, 
you've named a contract, you've 

960
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:41,520
talked about it and found a way 
to share the load better. 

961
00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:44,960
It isn't perfect, but it's 
starting to feel more balanced 

962
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:46,400
and it's starting to function 
better. 

963
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,720
It feels more fair and more 
connected, and just imagine what

964
00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:53,960
that would feel like and let 
that move us forward towards 

965
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:56,240
that. 
Thank you for joining us today 

966
00:44:56,480 --> 00:45:00,480
for Unspoken Contracts, one of 
those universal dynamics that 

967
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:02,400
play out. 
The systems are not the enemy. 

968
00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:04,680
They're not bad. 
You're the enemy. 

969
00:45:04,680 --> 00:45:07,840
No, I'm joking. 
They're not unusual, it's not 

970
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:11,120
weird, they're not bad, but they
can play up and there can be 

971
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:17,360
clunky radiators not working. 
And sorry to all the car people.

972
00:45:17,360 --> 00:45:19,360
I'm not a massive car person, 
just to be clear. 

973
00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:20,760
I just was trying to make a 
point, don't you? 

974
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:22,880
What? 
It wasn't like cooling is better

975
00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:24,840
for your radiator than water. 
I just wanted to make that. 

976
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,040
Point yeah, you're more of a car
person than I am so. 

977
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:29,080
All right. 
Thanks guys. 

978
00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:30,400
Guys good chat. 
See ya.