Honey, we need to chat. Hey guys, welcome back to
another episode of Honey. We Need to chat.
This is the podcast all about relationship and communication
in the relationship. Other way around.
I should have said that communication in the
relationship. Anyway, either way, we talk
about stuff. Those are our keywords.
The words that we use in this. We are that podcast.
Yeah, we are the one. We are the one that does that.
If you are here for the first time, thank you guys so much for
tuning in. If you were here for not the
first time, welcome back. Great to have you back.
You being here tells us something about you, right?
It tells us that you don't want a surface level relationship.
It tells us that you understand that this takes work, this takes
commitment and you have that curiosity and that willingness
to grow and learn. So that is amazing.
Thank you so much for tuning in. If you find value in this
podcast and would love to help us out, please, please, please
do all the things like share, subscribe, comment, all that
stuff goes a long way for us. We don't make any money from
this podcast. So well, this is just our time
to connect with you guys. We've been so fortunate and
blessed to be invested in in our relationship.
We've had opportunities to grow together and we continue to grow
and we want to grow with you and we just find value and action in
that. So thank you so much for tuning
in. I am Blair mines Blair, this is
my wife Amy, and we are just your everyday couple going
through your everyday struggles to show you that you can too.
So thank you so much for being here, guys.
Yeah, thank you so much for being here.
We're really excited to dive into this conversation today.
This is one of those kind of broad dynamics.
We've had a few episodes like this where it's like, yes, this
isn't everything, everyone thing.
Yeah. And this is another one of those
broad dynamics that plays out in relationships, and it's called
unspoken contracts. And we're going to dive into a
little bit about what exactly these are and how they might
play out in relationships. Yeah, in a little bit.
But how are you out of town today, babe?
It's a good question. You tell me you're gonna ask me
that question. Freezed.
Yeah. I reckon I'm a nine.
I am a busy 9. I went for a walk this morning
and even woke up a little bit early this morning.
My mind was busy and it was actually nice because I wasn't
stressed. Yeah, it was busy and I could
tell that difference between like anxious, stress, work
stuff, overwhelmed, too busy. And I'm like, Oh no, this is
manageable. I like, it sucks that I woke up
early, but it's manageable. It's not like me, I'm gonna do
all this stuff. It's like, OK, no, this is what
I gotta do. And and.
Cool, I love that. Yeah, sounds good.
How are you? Yeah, I'm probably a nine as
well. This is a very busy week for me
too. It is.
This is show week. So you would have heard over the
last few episodes I was talking about the show that I'm in,
which has come from away and that is opening tomorrow night,
which is really exciting. Tomorrow night for us when we're
recording. Not for when this comes out.
When this comes out, I'll be on the other side of opening
weekend and I will be hopefully feeling great or exhausted.
But yeah, very busy every night. Rehearsals from I have to be
there at 5:00 till like 10:30. It's been a lot.
And that's just going to continue.
But it's also the exciting part of the show, seeing it all come
together, seeing the lights and that kind of thing.
So that's why I look the way I do today.
No makeup because I'm going to have a lot of makeup on tonight.
So I put my glasses on in case you're watching.
This is tired face, Amy. You can't tell because I got my
glasses on now. You can tell because I told you.
But. The glasses are magic.
Yeah, they are magic. You don't need them.
Oh, thanks, baby. All right, well, let's dive into
this, this dynamic unspoken contracts.
I had an image that came to mind as I was preparing for this, and
it kind of summarises everything we do on this podcast.
And I was thinking about how if something's wrong with your car,
you can open the boot of your car, not the boot on it.
You can open the bottle in your car.
This is just going to really reinforce the point I'm about to
make and see an engine and people like me don't know
anything about what's happening. Like I can probably identify a
few things. I know where I put water when I
need to fill the water, and I know where the battery is.
What's the waterfall? To keep the car, it's just to do
the windshields. And and radiate it too, but you
put. Yep.
Anyway, so to just really, really hone in on this point, I
don't know anything about what's happening under the bonnet of
the car, but I do know that that's where things run.
And I know that the more I learn, if I was to study what
goes on in the engine of a car, I would start to learn about the
different systems that make the car run.
There's different systems in this engine that works together
to make the car work. And so when you're someone like
a mechanic trying to problem solve why a car isn't working
the way it's supposed to work, you have understanding of how
these different systems work so you can look at it and it makes
sense. And it's a little bit the same
with relationships. We have relationships.
I know when I get behind the wheel of my car, I turn it on
and I can drive and it can drive smoothly for the most part.
Every now and then things get clunky, things break down,
things just come to a screeching halt, and that's where I don't
have that education to know what's happening there.
So as relationships unfold, we can have really smooth rides.
And a lot of the time when you first get together, you have a
really smooth ride. It's kind of like honeymoon
period, you hear people call it, and it's like your drive to be
together, the excitement that comes with that, everything
being new and fresh and all of that sort of stuff makes it feel
very smooth. And then the more you go, the
more normal life comes in, the more you need to start to learn
what's going on under the bonnet of your relationship and what
systems are maybe failing or need a little bit of support to
make them work better. And each of these frameworks we
go through is like a new system that we're learning in the
engine. So it's like a new lens to look
at when we're trying to be like, why something off?
So that could be the love languages, that could be the
Four Horsemen. All these different
terminologies that we've been putting to these systems help us
diagnose what is happening when we're having something running
rough or when something's just not working the way it's meant
to. And that's the same with this.
This is a system that runs for everybody.
It's like just, it happens in relationships and it runs for
everybody. But until you have a framework
or like an education on what it is, you might not even know that
it's happening. And then when something goes
wrong, you don't know how to tackle it.
You don't know how to identify where along the way it's fallen
apart. I just need to say before we
move on, 'cause it's gonna stay in my head.
I said that you put water in the radiator.
You can put water in the radiator, but you need to put
call on in the. Radiator Blair needs to prove
that he knows the. System.
No, I just know. It's not that.
It's like I feel like someone gonna listen.
It's like you're an idiot. Like No, no, I know, but you
don't. He knows that I know.
Yeah, it's a little bit like on YouTube right now.
I'm being trolled for how I say assume.
And I'm so sorry that I say assume wrong.
But it's also so funny because it's just boosting our
engagement on the real, on the video that we put up.
Yeah, people are like assume. Yeah, assume.
And then I ask my friends, they all say assume.
Yeah, I say assume. Yeah.
So I know that it's assume it's. Probably it's.
Probably Aussie. Yeah, probably Aussie, Yeah.
We're lazy speakers, Yeah, to back off, back off, but also
it's hilarious and keep going. You're welcome to get.
Our engagement. Yeah, if you're really hyped up
about this radiator thing, please feel free to share it how
you feel. Look at this guy say this stupid
thing about the radiator. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell us. Tell me two mean things about
me, but tell me one nice thing about me.
Yeah, I'd appreciate that. I'll be the nice thing.
Thanks. Yeah.
All right, Well, now that we got the clarification, I could see
it in your face as I'm explaining to you.
I was like, am I off? Am I not making sense?
And then you're bargaining me radiator.
So that's how it works in a car. And that's just a picture that
helps me when I was trying to figure out like how to bring up
these topics. I think it it's helpful.
The more clarity we have. That's why we have this podcast.
That's why we discuss these things.
That's why communication is so important and why learning about
yourself is so important. None of these things we've
talked about is the thing. Like none of them is.
That's the one thing you need and then you're going to be
fine. They all work together to build
a picture of who you are as individuals and how you're
working as a relationship and then help you to strengthen it
as you go. And this is another one of those
things. So this is unspoken contracts.
If you are in relationship with anybody, you you have unspoken
contracts. They just naturally start to
form the more time you spend with people.
I just wanna say as well, before we move on, just all these
things that are in my head, Yeah, I'm using my mug one of
our listeners sent in, which is really nice.
It's a Star Wars mug that like, lights up all these lightsabers
when it's it's hot and then they go down when it's not hot.
This is an observation episode. It is.
It's a Chitty Chitty. Yeah, chit chat.
All right, so unspoken contracts, if you're in
relationship either friendships, romantic relationships,
families, even work, everybody has these built unspoken
contracts. They start slowly.
They start for a number of reasons.
You could be bringing in family history, traditions, what you've
seen and experienced when you're growing up.
You could just find yourself in a natural rhythm when you're
coexisting with somebody that start to form into just a
pattern. And basically it's, it's not a
contract you sit down and you agree on, though sometimes you
will have that sort of thing. So we had premarital, premarital
counselling before we got married and there were things
that they had highlighted for us to discuss.
So things like what tasks around the house will do and that kind
of thing. That was a conversation we had,
but we also would have fallen into patterns like that even if
we hadn't had the verbal conversation.
So you don't sit down and draught a contract.
But they are little understandings that start to
build over time about who's going to fill what role and how
you're going to coexist. They're really normal.
They're in every relationship, and they are not bad themselves.
So just to be clear as we start, these unspoken contracts are not
bad and they're just natural. And when things aren't working
well, they need to be assessed and maybe discussed and figure
out how to make it balance and work a little bit better for you
as a family and as a relationship.
But they aren't bad in and of themselves.
Even the ones that are out of balance, they're not bad.
They're just a natural way that we exist in the world.
So just have a bit of grace for yourself with them too.
They help us to create structure in our lives, in our
relationships, predictability in our relationships.
They help us to just survive. They help us to maintain the
things we need to maintain as adults to their, their, how we
figure out who's going to, you know, make dinner, who's going
to pick up the kids, who's going to manage the bills, who's going
to work, who's going to blah, blah, blah.
That's how they work for us and they serve a purpose for us, but
we're not always aware of them. And often we're not aware of
them until something isn't working very well.
And then we'll start to, we might not even be aware that
that system's playing out, but we'll start to be like something
is not right and we can start to see some of the symptoms of it
not functioning well. So they exist and that's normal,
but we just need to be careful to put some intentionality
around it. So that's what unspoken
contracts are. We're going to look at some
examples of how they might be playing out because it's a big
concept and I want to get a little bit more specific on it.
So, and it's funny, when I was writing these up as well, all of
these have played out for us and all of them have flip flopped
over the time as well. So you may or may not resonate
with one side of this, but just have a listen to some of these
examples. One is the financial manager.
So one person might start to naturally take charge of the
finances and they might just naturally have, they either have
a framework for finances before they come in.
Maybe they've seen that parent in their family manage finances.
Maybe they've got their own savings going, they've got their
own accounts going. That was you and we got
together. Blair was a lot further ahead in
financial independence and maturity than I was.
So you had systems in place, you became the person that was that
overseas our savings and you have like our accounts and you
have a structure. But then interestingly, another,
you know, another person or the same person might cover all the
bills. I was that person.
So when we got married, I just became the bill person.
And I don't think you would have any idea about the bills that
get paid for the most part. No, no, they just sort of come.
Through, yeah, they just come through and I do, and I've
managed them since the very beginning.
Don't know where that happened. Just started happening and it
became an unspoken contract. Someone might be tracking, you
know, how we're going financially.
Another person might have absolutely no idea, like one
partner might be completely in the dark.
And I've had friends voice to me that they, they're like, oh, I
really don't know anything about our finances.
And there's a bit of a concern there because if something
happens, they're going to have a very steep learning curve or
they won't know where the information is that they need to
get. So that might be one way you see
an unspoken contract playing out in your relationship.
Another really important one is an intimacy initiator, and this
has also played out for us where you fall into a pattern from the
beginning for whatever reason, whatever context that one
partner initiates intimacy, even affection initiates affection
and intimacy in any way. And the other person becomes
more and more and more just the receiver or the recipient or the
person that decides yes or no. But that can be a pattern that
you fall into. We've had that play out for us
as well. And it's really interesting
because as you look at these patterns, it might feel easy to
you to identify all this person's the sacrificial one or
the good one or the hard working 1, and this person's the one
that's being lazy or the one that's like not carrying their
weight or something like that. But the interesting dynamic with
these contracts is there's impacts both sides.
So when we've had this one play out, for example, you became the
initiator and we've had conversations where started to
be like, I would really like you to initiate a little bit.
But my perspective of it was I felt less and less like I had
autonomy or like choice in this space because of different
things that played out. And so I was more and more
pulling back from initiating. And from your perspective,
you're like, she's like feeling less and less wanted.
And then I'm feeling less and less like capable in that space.
And it's just, it's such a dynamic contract that plays out.
And until we had that conversation, didn't know those
things were happening. Yeah.
Another one might be social keeper.
So calendar keeper. We these all relate as well to
some of the other topics we've talked about South, like mental
load and emotional load. A lot of these play out here.
Yeah. And like unmet needs?
Unmet needs, yeah, exactly. Or anything, Yeah.
Yeah, so someone might keep the calendar like this, we're going
here this time or might be the person that responds to the
social like texts and that kind of thing.
I find that I tend to be, although you have been putting a
lot of effort in there, the one that will manage like your mum
might message about a social thing for us.
Even though it's your mom, I'll be responding to her and I'll
respond to my mom and I'll respond to whoever else and I'll
be like, oh, we've got this party, we've got this thing,
that kind of thing. That's just, that's what I tend
to do more of. You're more intentional with
that now. So you are kind of taking some
of that, yeah. And I think as well, just to be
clear, like, you know, some of these areas as well have been a
source of frustration like, you know, and that's where it's been
a lot of work for both of us. So with the whole messaging
thing, So for me, like I do put my phone away or because I get
overwhelmed with my phone and people messaging me and so much
because I'm on my working remotely, I get everything
through phone or email or, you know, all these different
messages, you don't have many in person conversation.
So I can have all the excuses in the world by the end of the day
that's putting out mental load or a burden onto you.
Like that is still valid. So it's not saying if I
responded back to that and be like, well, no, I have, you
know, I struggle because of this, this and this and the
struggle is still there. Like you still have that
struggle. So anyway, what I'm trying to
say is at the end of the day, we've had to really work through
a lot of these areas and it's been so important because then I
can with my strategic brain be like, all right, cool.
Well, you know, I don't have to be.
This is how I cannot be so overwhelmed with my phone, you
know, and it's like, all right, well, I know this is going to be
a burden or a mental load onto Amy's or what can I do to do
that in a way that is, is healthy for me as well.
It's important for you but healthy for me.
So rather than trying to cut it off, avoid it.
You could work through different ways and and stuff.
And interestingly too on this one, and it'll be the same for
everything, but it this one, you know, it might look very obvious
like so one partner is carrying the mental load and the other
person's just going along for the ride.
But the idea of just being a passenger at the whim of the
other person's like scheduling is, is also can also be a sore
point. So just being like, we always
just go where you want to go and do what you want to do and
you're the one that manages that.
So there are multiple perspectives and multiple layers
that play into these things. And, and you guys can be like
the best team about it, right? So one person might take more of
a lead on calendar, for example, but let's let's go this one
actually. So you talked before about how I
more manage the savings and all that different accounts and
stuff, but you more manage the bills.
So how that's worked well is like you will communicate with
me. It's like, oh, we've got these
bills coming up. Or you might be like, look, we
don't have enough, like we're not putting enough aside for
bills. So I had all these different
accounts for all these different purposes, right?
So I would budget accordingly. So my wage would come in and I'd
break it up evenly to all these different areas.
And a lot of that was based off the conversation that you and I
had about upcoming bills or mortgage or whatever else,
right? So the team element is really
what's really important here. It's not saying necessarily that
I, all right, so now I need to do all the bills because Amy's
been doing all the bills and she shouldn't be doing all the
bills. It's not saying that.
It's saying that, well, how does this actually complement each
other to work together when it's not completed?
Implementing is when it can be an issue.
If you're not communicating about that, it's more likely
going. To be an issue and these systems
will continue. So these systems at their point
of being aware of them is not to make everything fair and equal
because it's not going to be the same.
It just doesn't work that way. And this one in particular,
we've had time. So you are over the savings and
the accounts and then I was over the bills and then we've had
times where I was over the savings and the money because we
had a big chunk of money come in and I was managing that and I
was so stressed out managing that.
Like I was really burdened all the time.
And we had the conversation and then you, I was like, you take
it, I don't want the money. I just want to manage the bills
because I get very stressed if I have to manage the money.
Yeah, you get really stressed if you don't know where the money
is. Yeah, that's true.
So or if it's like what's coming up or whatever, because this is
again and we're going to talk about more this soon.
But in our previous episode we did, Amy took me through a
coaching course. So Amy does coaching and I'm
going to share about that more. But we did an episode on that
because we had a lot of questions about what is
coaching. So go check that out.
But what came out of that was it highlighted my need for
certainty. I needed to know what was coming
in and what was going out so I can have that plan when I don't
know. So I really struggled actually
when you took most of the that savings and stuff, except I
don't know what's happening. I can't, my brain just doesn't
like know what's going on. And we've had to actually
navigate this recently too, because we've moved to from
having all of our, you know, money split off into different
accounts, all being put into an offset account.
And it's like, well, that's my budget gone.
Like I had everything laid out. I have a whole structure now
that's at a place. So we explored that and it would
do again, just highlighting so much how much I needed that
certainty. So again, these conversations
and this work that we do together is like, well, cool.
Like what? What strengths are we bringing
into the situation? We're not the same and we have
different strengths. No, exactly.
And that's again where the teamwork comes in.
Yeah. And this is a process that has
has ebbed and flowed and changed and morphed through these
conversations and not through really gentle, always
communicating. The moment something comes up.
It's like I got so stressed about these finance, like the
savings that finally I was like, I'm so overwhelmed by this.
And then and then we like realise that.
So we shifted and we just have realised your need for
certainty. So we've shifted.
So there's like these kinds of things.
You have to have grace because you will naturally fall into a
pattern and that is OK and normal.
And having grace for yourself to be like, what isn't working,
this isn't working. And communicating it, having
grace for your relationship that you can change is really
important because then you can change and put a new more spoken
contract in place that works better for you.
So that's another one. Then there's this one also,
every one of them, I'm like, yes, yes.
And this is only like a list that there's so many more, but
one person that has to be the calm and in control one and one
person that's allowed to be more expressive or or more
overwhelmed or less in control. And that can be a pattern that
you fall into as well. And we've fallen into this a
little bit because I from my family of origin, I also felt
like is self inflicted, but that I had to be the manager of
people's emotions. And so coming into our
relationship, I've carried that into it, but I feel like I have
to be the manager of everyone's emotions and your emotions.
So when you were overwhelmed and stressed, I, it wasn't just, oh,
my husband's overwhelmed and stressed.
It was like, I need to now manage that and overcompensate
and take ownership of it and make it OK and all these things
that are not healthy for any of us.
And that was the unspoken contract that we fell into.
And now we've got a real intentionality from on multiple
layers, but I've also got a, a personal intentionality to not
own when you're overwhelmed. Like it's not my thing to fix
for you. I'm here to support you, but I
don't need to make it fine for you.
And you also, we've also been having that conversation back
and forth a little bit about about our overwhelmed levels and
that kind of thing as well. And I've had to take that
responsibility of knowing that what what you bring to the table
and my reactions and what that what that causes for you.
So it's also then reinforced my need for my intentionality, for
my own self care and you know, recognising patterns and then
putting things in place to break those habits and patterns.
And that's a good point because I bring a more complicated
system to the table in it then potentially I would have had I
had a different upbringing. So you could have been with
somebody that didn't have my experience.
And then you're working out how you regulate your own emotions
and that kind of thing in a totally different way.
But you being aware of how I, what kind of like triggers and
that kind of thing I navigate is also a really important part of
it. And it has been how you've gone
about it, which has been really helpful.
So you're not just working out how you've naturally fallen into
it. You're also being aware of my
partner has this experience and This is why this is a thing for
them and you've got that grace and flexibility to explore that
together and I think that's really important.
And it is, it does make it more difficult because there's
another layer to that, right? So it's not just you navigating
your own circumstances in your own situations.
You do think of, you know, your, I think of you, right?
And I think of the kids. And there's this other layer of
like, all right, well, it's no longer just me sorting out my
stuff. It's like, all right, well, how
is my stuff now impacting others?
Because I need to also sort it in a way that it benefits them
too. So for example, well, like a way
that I would love to be able to deal with my overwhelm, this is
shot myself in my room for like, you know.
Yeah, yeah. He can't just do that.
And it's and as well, it's not just a matter of like what I
want to do. It's also that other level of
like, how am I modelling this to my kids too?
Yeah. And it's like, well, I don't
want them to see that I just shot myself in my room for an
hour because I'm overwhelmed. I want them to see me put into
healthy habits, but the healthy habits aren't always easy
habits. So yeah, it's just that it's
just that balance and that level.
So the layers of it, yeah, it's like an onion.
And another and last example is the kid manager or the work
stress carrier balance. And that's a really common one.
Again, very similar to the mental load conversation we've
spoken about emotional load conversation we spoke about as
well and, and, and natural outworking a lot of the time of
your situation in new context and how you've been raised.
So someone might manage the kids day to day needs more.
And then the other person probably focuses more on the
external work, balancing of that stress and all those dynamics
that come into play. And you're not going to have
what maybe, maybe you will, but most people aren't going to get
an equal balanced, absolutely everyone on the same team doing
the same amount of stuff for each of these things.
So none of these examples are to be like bad person, good person,
bad person, good person. All of these examples are to
help you start to like explore. Oh yeah.
These are the systems that we've got working for us.
These are the unspoken contracts that we've fallen into without
even realising, so that then you can identify how well they're
working for you. So we're going to dive back into
unspoken contracts in a bin. As I mentioned before though,
and I do want to talk about this because it's been such a
powerful tool for me and I know for many other women, which has
been utterly amazing. I say other women, I'm not a
woman, but you only do these sessions for women.
So anyway, that's fine, I can. Where and all the other women.
Yeah, me and all the other women.
Amy does coaching. OK, So what is coaching, you
ask? And we've had this question a
lot. So go check out episode 48 and
you'll see an example of Amy running me through one of her
sessions. It was just a really, really
impactful session. And for me, I really enjoyed it
and I got a lot from it. And we keep referencing back to
that episode because it was so impactful and so identifying
things we just don't really identify on our own.
So go check that out. It's really impactful.
Amy does one on one coaching. She also so those group coaching
as well. So if you want more information
about these sessions, go to her website
andnextchaptercoaching.com dot AU.
Also, you can reach out to us via our own website podcast
website honeymoon to chat.com dot AU no honeymoon.
At chat.com. Honeymoon to chat.com.
We'll move the AU. We are going to get this
whatever we say. Read the bio.
Yeah, it's all in the bio. It's all the info's in there.
Highly recommend you check it out guys.
I know I'm very, very biassed, but again, I actually have
experienced this first hand. It's very impactful, very
powerful, and you've been so natural at this.
You did this sort of stuff before, you even did training to
become a coach, and it's just been so cool that you now have a
label to put on it and you, you the impact's happening and
that's awesome. So really, really great stuff.
Yeah. And there are free resources on
my website and on our podcast website as well that if if you
are not a woman that wants to do group or one on one coaching,
these resources are valuable, valuable and helpful to anybody.
So you're more than welcome to check those out, see if anything
resonates and what might be impactful there.
Yeah, absolutely. That's great.
Let's get back into unspoken contracts.
Yes, let's and I want to, before we dive into the next part, I
really want to make an important note before we keep, you know,
when we're listening and you start to just build a story
about how it applies to you. Before we keep reinforcing that
story. I just want to shake up your
perspective a little bit and you might be the one listening and
thinking I carry all of these loads or I carry these things.
My partner's got no idea what's going on there.
My partner's got no idea about how much I carry these things.
And they just are in default passenger mode.
And that may be true. I'm not trying to say that's not
true. But what I do want to point out
is you function in an unspoken contract.
There will be unspoken contracts that you are functioning in
default without even recognising.
So it's important that we're keeping our mind open while
we're listening to this, to what we might be doing default and
what we might be the passenger in and what might be frustrating
our partner, what might be something that they see and
they're like, they'd have no idea.
And I guarantee you that every one of us is working out of a
default contract that we aren't aware of.
So just have that little moment of opening to listening where
you might be challenged yourself as well.
We've had this happen and we've said this on the podcast before
when we've had disagreements and things come out from your
perspective that I'm like, what are you talking about?
I think that about you. And it's like, and it's not how
we go about it, but that's kind of like the thought.
It is kind of like what? But that it's been so telling
because we only see through our lens.
And yes, that's valid. And this conversation is valid
for people that need to communicate something that's
upsetting them, but it's also really, really valid that you're
not just like my partner's got no idea.
And even if they are the default or passenger type player in this
contract of yours, there could be emotional and mental and
frustration based things going on for them in that role.
Like we talked about the intimacy thing to Blair, it
looked like I wasn't initiating and that would probably very
easily look like I just didn't put the effort in or I didn't
really care or he was unwanted. And to me, it was a story going
on where I had felt rejected. So I wasn't initiating because I
didn't feel wanted. I wasn't initiating because I
didn't feel like I had ownership over that space.
I wasn't initiating because I didn't feel like an independent
adult, like an independent adult with influence in this space.
So there's a lot that goes into these things.
It's not as simple as I initiate and she doesn't, I initiate and
she's lazy. Like that's not, it's not as
simple as that. And I just want us to be really
aware of that as we go into and how it might be breaking down
and how we can practically work on them because we all need to
be challenging ourselves and reflecting personally.
So how you might know one of these contracts is breaking down
and this is usually where you'll start to recognise you even have
the contract in the 1st place. You might find yourself with
built up resentment of frustration and it could be over
the same things. It could be over everything.
You could be finding yourself frustrated at every little thing
that your partner does, or it could be repetitive, like he is
always on his phone and not helping me or she is never doing
anything outside, like everything heavy lifting or
something I'm in having to do. Like they're whatever it is.
You've got a recurring story, reoccurring frustration, built
up frustration. You might be finding that
playing out really closely ties into our scorekeeping episode as
well. You might find a sense of being
trapped in a role that you didn't sign up for, frustrated
in a role that you didn't want and just be like, how did I get
here? And you don't even know.
And that also really, really plays into the mental load
conversation that we've had, emotional load, mental load
conversation. You find yourselves carrying all
of this stuff that you're like, hang on a second.
How did I carry all of this stuff all of a sudden?
And a really interesting way of this playing out is when you're
a mom and a, when your parents, a lot of moms express how
trapped we feel in terms of being able to just go out.
So a dad generally speaking, will be like, oh, I'm going to
go do this thing on this time. They walk out the door and they
go do that thing on that time. And mom tends to generally
speaking, when there's an imbalance here, be like, I need
to go do that thing. So I'm going to make sure
everyone's sorted. I'm going to make sure I've
stepped my partner all the way through everything he's going to
have to do while I'm gone. I'm going to make sure that the
kids are OK. I'm going to make sure that I'm
back in time. Like there's all these other
things. It's not just I'm walking out
the door to go do this thing I need to do.
And that's, that's one way. You might be seeing this trapped
feeling playing out. You might find yourself having
recurring arguments about fairness, like something doesn't
feel fair. Who does more again, the
scorekeeping, arguing about what's expected or mismatched
expectations. You might find one person is
pulling back from a task all of a sudden, like they're just
like, no, I'm not doing that anymore.
And this can be an interesting one to play out because you
might realise you might be like, hang on, why do I, why do I
always have to get the groceries?
I'm not going to do the groceries anymore.
Then it might be like a kind of frustrated reaction.
And it can feel satisfying because you're like, no, this is
a system that's not serving me. But then for the other person to
have all of a sudden their partner pulling out of an
unspoken contract that we've, you've now built your
relationship to function in these rhythms.
And then this person just like pulls out of it without even
communicating. If you don't have that
conversation and that understanding of the system
they've just decided isn't working for them anymore, that's
really lurching and like really disorienting as well and can
look like quite an aggressive move or can look like, you know,
that kind of resentment, stonewalling, whatever process
playing out as well so that the conversation needs to come with
that. You might feel invisible,
underappreciated or exhausted. You might feel like you're on
opposite teams, like you're we've talked about being
roommates before as well. And here you might just feel
like you're not connecting. You're on opposite teams, you're
not even really like interacting because of these systems that
you're just playing out all the time.
And you might feel a feeling of staleness or lack of intimacy
again with the roommate type vibe or just be like, I don't
really know. Like I see people all the time
on forums saying I don't think I love my partner anymore.
And it's not because of any big thing, It's just that they've
realised I don't really love my partner anymore, which is a
whole conversation in and of itself.
But I think that staleness happens because you're not
something's not functioning well.
There's something that's not fulfilling you and there's a
system playing out that isn't working well.
So these are just some of the signs that a system might not be
working. Well, one of these unspoken
contracts is out of place. So you might start to notice
that one of these unspoken contracts isn't working for you.
Or you need to start like really assessing me, like, what is this
at play? That's just not, it's feeling
rough. That engine light is on, the car
is making a weird noise. Maybe it just stops.
So let's figure out how we can bring these things back into a
constructive way. So firstly, and as we always
say, start with curiosity. What is happening?
Where did this start? You might then have a framework
for, oh, I think I'm frustrated because I always do dinners or I
always have to keep our menu cool.
Have curiosity with your partner in that conversation as well.
Then how has this happened? Where did it start?
Do you, does it feel fair? Can we assess things?
A curious, gentle mindset when you're approaching these things
is really helpful because these are defaults.
They're things you've built together, even if it feels like
it's unfair at that time. So it's really important that
you're open to that conversation, identifying how it
was made or started us having these conversations about like
the overwhelm one, for example, if I was just like I, I get
really overwhelmed when you're overwhelmed and I didn't explain
it's because I, I have had this experience in my childhood that
now I've brought into our family, then it wouldn't it's,
it lacks the clarity around it. And that's been really critical.
And we bring this up quite a lot is having that attitude of
curiosity. So it's like, all right, I've
struggled with this thing. I'm overwhelmed.
And it's not the answer now is it's like, oh, Blair just gets
overwhelmed. Like then we leave it there.
So we can't do that thing because Blair's now overwhelmed.
It's like, well, no, I now need to go through this self
reflection part of like, well, and when we do this together a
lot, it's not even just solo, but it's just like, well, why am
I getting overwhelmed? And then what, you know, what's
triggering that or, and then what do I do about that?
And just exploring that a lot more is being really, really
important to do. Yeah, it's so easy.
It is so easy just to be like, well, I'm overwhelmed.
And yeah, when you're overwhelmed, you don't want to
have to deal with it. So.
But it's always important to go back.
Afterwards, you don't have to force your brain and your brain
when it's in survival mode or frustration mode or whatever,
it's not going to think very well in that curious curiosity
way or the big picture kind of clear way.
So it's OK to wait and come back to that.
But yeah, being like, why do I keep finding this pattern
playing out for me? Where am I to have started?
I'm just stripping it back and back and back until you can find
the core part of where it may may have come in, in the 1st
place. Also being like, have we
actually agreed on this or is it something that we just fell
into? Because we have had
conversations at the beginning of our marriage that we did
agree on and we've then had conversations where we're like,
that's not working anymore. Let's do it this way.
We've also had systems that we didn't ever agree on.
It wasn't like a conversation we had and we decided intentionally
and same things happen. It's not working for us anymore.
Let's figure out what's going on.
So this is a little like questionnaire you can kind of
ask yourself to try and figure out what system might be broken,
what might be going on for yourself.
What is feeling awful frustrating me right now in this
relationship? Is something feeling not right?
Is there a role or task I used to feel OK with but now I feel
resentment or exhaustion around it?
What's something I wish my partner would help with or take
over? But I've never really said it
out loud. And I would add to this as well,
when you haven't said it out loud what it means to you.
So it might be like in the moment, you might be like, can
you please do this thing? Can you please take the rubber
shot? Can you please take the rubber
shot? And you find yourself repeating
that expressing when you, when I have to keep reminding you to
take the rubbish out. I feel like I'm being your mom
or I feel like I'm having to carry your task for you and my
task for me. And I've got so many tasks and
that's overwhelming. That's a different conversation
than can you please take the rubbish out?
Can you please, please take the rubbish out, please.
Like it's you're not owning their lack of ownership, but
you're adding clarity to why, how it's impacting you and why
it's so important to you. And even asking the question
too, I find this with someone like with work, right?
If I have to ask someone like, why isn't something get getting
done? It's not just a matter.
I don't just leave it there. It's like, all right, cool.
But what, what's going to change?
How's this going to change? Because I can't, I can't own
your stuff. Like you need to own your stuff.
And So what will change? And so, but sometimes I input, a
lot of times I input into that, that discussion and that journey
and that's that. Again, that's teamwork.
But then they they earn the responsibility of implementing
that change. Yeah.
Yeah, and that helps identify if there's something not working
along the way. Are there things I have stopped
doing because I felt unseen or it felt unfair?
But we've never discussed it. So those are just some ways you
can be like what's broken? Where is it broken and how can
we have that conversation? So then once you've identified
those things, just be proactive, be pre planning.
Like when this comes up again, I get really overwhelmed.
When I have to manage the savings, I get really
overwhelmed. So I just, I, my brain just
shuts down. You don't get overwhelmed.
What if you manage your savings, but you get overwhelmed if you
have to constantly be on top of our emails and figure out what
bills have come in. And that's fine for me.
If you've got the money, I've got the bills, that's fine.
So it's a proactive pre planning of what works with your skills
and your time and your capacity and what will make this an
easier process for you down the track.
And when you need to actually like work on your own stuff
rather than just like as a team. So for example, you know, in
some areas I, I remember I've brought, I've said to you a few
times, like I want to, I don't want to sit down because if I
sit down, I'm, I'm sat down, but like, I'm already up and I'm
active and I know when I'm, I'm moving around, I'm going to get
more done in this time. And I know if I sit down, I'm
going to just as it goes be a struggle for me to get up.
So working working around those strengths and identifying those
times as well. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
And you can even start with a gentle observation too, and be
like, I find that I'm getting really overwhelmed with our
savings. Like I'm, I'm finding that
really overwhelming. Can we address this later so
that you've voiced it? You don't have to have it all
figured out. You don't have to have a big
script all worked out. You've voiced it.
We need to address this. I'm getting overwhelmed.
And then you're both able to be like, OK, let's address this
down the track. Name the contract.
So it seems like I've always done the finances and that's OK,
but I'm feeling burnt out with it.
So what would make it better for both of us?
What's a way that we can kind of share a little bit of that load
and both be across the things that are important for us to
both be across? And I think that's important to
address as well, right? So sometimes we can approach
these conversations be like, right, I'm struggling with this,
do something about it. And now that thing is just
putting that on the other person and like, I know how that would
make me feel. I'll be like, well, I don't
know. I haven't been a part of the
process to know what I can do. Like so now do I do it all?
But what if I get overwhelmed while you've shared that you've
overwhelmed. So I'm just going to do it.
I think what's really important is having that conversation
again, curiosity, but also working through and coming out
with that. What is overwhelming about it?
You know what, what, what can I do?
And how can we do this together rather than yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Because I could have been like,
I can't deal with finances. You take it all.
But that's not how it ended up being.
It's like, I'll keep this part. That one part stresses me out so
much. You take that if you can't
figure this out. One of the really kind of fun
ways and something that's kind of been thrust upon us.
We haven't really done this intentionally on purpose.
It's just happened to us is trying an experiment of swapping
roles for a short time. So even for a week being like
for a week you do the groceries and see if that is any better.
Not in like a you do it, but just like just challenging
yourselves. And we've had that where we've
had to swap roles, yeah. One of the huge, one of the most
impactful times, I think was when we moved out of Melbourne
during COVID and you were working and I was a stay at home
dad. That was such an eye opener of
changing those roles and and a whole other level of
appreciation. But understanding, right?
And then we just were able to address different things because
like, now I get it or now I see or whatever else because we
experienced it and that as well equipped us with conversations.
So many. Yeah, so much more conversations
because of the experience. Yeah, so many more that we
started a podcast. Wow.
Yeah. And groceries is a good example
too. We had this conversation about
groceries when we first started exploring mental load.
Yeah. And then you now do groceries
like 90% of the time and we've swapped and and we're both much
more aware of how it works out now.
Yeah, and even even to a point now we're trying to get our kids
to help us put the shopping lists together.
We want to teach them like about mental load and stuff like that
too. But.
Yeah, yeah. So there's a lot of ways you can
practically step through. Yeah.
I think the core of all of it is gentleness and curiosity.
These systems aren't bad, they're not horrible systems.
They've been serving a purpose for you.
There's a reason that they happened as default and
sometimes they just don't work anymore.
So recognising where you need some assistance, recognising how
you can bring that conversation up and also being aware and
mindful of the fact that it's a layered and dynamic situation.
It's not just your perspective is right and their perspective
is wrong. Once you can start to identify
what systems are at play, you can also then look under that
bonnet of your car and be like, the radiator's not working
because the water didn't get put in.
Cool, cool in Yeah. You can put water in too.
And I get it, Lee. There's two things.
Yeah, we know how much you know about the radiator.
And cool water is another option, right?
Whatever, It's such a boring conversation that I I can't even
this the car system's obviously not mine.
All right, we're going to walk into the reality check corner.
It's walk it. Walk it.
So we're just going to bring these things we've spoken about,
make them applicable in short, quick, easy ways right now.
They can apply to your day, to your life, to your week, this
this week. And you can implement them and
challenge yourself to start adjusting some of these ways
that they're working out for you.
So I just want us to pause for a second and reflect.
Is there a place in your relationship where you have felt
stuck or tense lately? Have you felt an increase of
pent up frustration and in a certain area of your life?
And can you name the unspoken contract that might be playing
out behind that? And a little quick challenge for
you is what is one small shift that you could suggest this week
to bring more clarity or balance to one of these unspoken
contracts? So something like, I realise as
I've been taking on this thing, taking on this thing, and I'd
love to talk about a way we can do it in a better way that
serves us better. Or I feel more secure when we
check in about plans instead of just assuming we're going to go
with what you've planned. Or I'm really overwhelmed by
having our bank savings in my account.
Can I put them in your account? And then just a quick future
pace to borrow from the direction we want to go, borrow
from this future that we'd love to work towards.
Imagine a few weeks from now, you've named a contract, you've
talked about it and found a way to share the load better.
It isn't perfect, but it's starting to feel more balanced
and it's starting to function better.
It feels more fair and more connected, and just imagine what
that would feel like and let that move us forward towards
that. Thank you for joining us today
for Unspoken Contracts, one of those universal dynamics that
play out. The systems are not the enemy.
They're not bad. You're the enemy.
No, I'm joking. They're not unusual, it's not
weird, they're not bad, but they can play up and there can be
clunky radiators not working. And sorry to all the car people.
I'm not a massive car person, just to be clear.
I just was trying to make a point, don't you?
What? It wasn't like cooling is better
for your radiator than water. I just wanted to make that.
Point yeah, you're more of a car person than I am so.
All right. Thanks guys.
Guys good chat. See ya.