Honey, we need to chat. Hey guys, welcome back to
another episode of Honey. We need to chat.
The podcast all about communication in relationships,
and we believe that when communication dies, bad things
happen. Oh cheesy, can we be Giggity?
Yep, we are just your everyday couple now.
They're getting through your everyday struggles and we hope
that this podcast will show you that you can do it too.
That's what we're about. Yeah, we have some big news,
guys, big news this episode. If you saw my recent Instagram
story, which if you aren't following us on Instagram and
you are on Instagram, highly recommend hopping over there,
especially following what we're about to say.
We are going to be going on a season break.
Whoa, season one complete. Season 1 complete and it's not
because we want to move into a second season necessarily, it's
because we are suddenly moving. So we have a couple months ahead
of us that are just going to be massively hectic getting our
current house ready to sell and hopefully finding another one.
Yeah. And that means that every ounce
of energy that we have is gonna be going into painting our walls
and cleaning our house and decluttering.
Regrouting. Regrouting all of the above,
which is really exciting and something that we didn't
actually anticipate until like literally a month ago being an
option for. Us even a month so.
Maybe not. Even, Yeah, when we had this, as
this is our first house and we're so grateful for it, you
know, and we've mentioned here before, it's just, it's quite
tiny and for a family of 6, it gets quite claustrophobic.
And we both work from home, yadda, yadda.
And so in our minds, we're like, oh, look, we got to, we're going
to be here for another couple of years.
Yeah, we're going to keep saving up.
We've got to keep, you know, chugging along.
Anyway, we're like, oh, look, we, we're basing all of this off
assumption. We don't really know.
So we caught up with our broker and yeah, it was really
surprising to know actually we can do something now, which is
great. You know, just the next step in
the, the housing market. But it's really, really exciting
for us. But at the same time, it's a lot
of work. So we're going to be doing, you
know, this. When we got this house, it was
pretty shabby and it still is. We haven't really done much to
fix that up. Living in the house with a
family of six and a toddler especially doesn't really give
you that flexibility to do that sort of stuff.
But now we're smashing it down. Now we're getting everything
done in one month that we wanted to do in the last three years,
but that's OK. Yeah.
So it's a huge privilege. We're really excited.
We're very overwhelmed, and we're learning everything as we
go. But the we made the hard
decision that it probably just wasn't going to be manageable
for us to maintain weekly episodes while we're doing this,
largely because we don't even know where we're going to be or
where we could record. Yeah.
And two, I just don't have time in the evenings to get the edits
done and listed while we're doing this.
So. Yeah.
So we're going to be moving back into my mum's period of time.
There'll be a bit of a flip. Flop.
Yeah, but but what's what's exciting too though, is it's
we've already got plans for season 2.
Like we've already got interviews lined up, which is
really exciting. So we're going to get all those
sorts of things. We're still going to be
recording. We're just not going to be
editing and releasing for a period of time.
So we'll be recording like here at my mum's house, I don't know,
in the car somewhere, wherever we can get some quiet space.
Yeah. So we'll still be recording.
But yeah, do follow us along on Instagram because you'll be able
to follow our journey on that. But also the different things
that are coming your way will be available mainly on Instagram
because we've got stories and so forth.
Like, yeah, we we definitely want to still be present on the
community platforms that we've got going.
So social media and we'll see what capacity we've got for
that. But if you're going to catch us,
that's probably where we'll be. And what we're going to run
through today in this chit chat is a second kind of segment to
the relationship programme that we started last chit chat.
And so we there's a couple things we really want to
challenge you guys for over this little break.
One is take this time to run through these two modules that
we're going to have on our website as a couple and really
start to just implement some of these things in a date night or
in in a regular check in, whatever that might look like
for you guys. Take this time to set those
foundations for intention, what you wanted to work on.
And then when we come back, we'll be coming back with more
resources in that space. Secondly, take this time to
spread the word about honey. We need to chat because we have
huge guests that we're really excited about that we're coming
back with and we'll be launching with on the other side of this
break. So absolutely watch this space.
We've got some. We've got a world renowned
podcaster that we're going to be talking to one of our very own
here in Australia. He's done really well.
We've got someone that's going to be an author, a world
renowned author as well, talking about sex and intimacy with us.
We've got people coming to talk about addiction, people coming
to talk about toughest challenges they're facing in
their relationship. We've got someone talking about
intimacy. What that means from a guy's
perspective. What that means from a female's
perspective? Yeah, well, we've got some
really huge topics, even more than that, that we're ticking
away at and getting organised in the background.
So don't sleep on this little break.
Take it as an opportunity to get yourself prepared for the
content that's coming and help us to reach as many people as we
can during this break so that when it launches again, we can
hit the ground running and other people can have these resources
because we believe they're really valuable.
Yeah, and, and as well, look, this is the perfect opportunity
for you to head over to Patreon as well, because there's so much
content the majority of you haven't even heard yet.
So if you're still wanting something to listen to in the
season break, head over to Patreon, check out all the stuff
over there, join the community over there, join in the
conversations over there, and just get yourself prepped for
Season 2. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely awesome. Well, that's our little, not
little massive, our massive news TBC in terms of how long the
break will be. But I'm thinking at least a
month and a half, probably getting us through October and
into November, which is when hopefully life starts to calm
down for us. But.
Getting ready for touch. Base with us, then maybe we can
launch back on my birthday. Oh no, we'll see.
And then we're going to be into Christmas.
Oh my gosh. Anyway, don't even worry about
it. It's not your problem.
Not your monkey, not your circus.
All right, so let's dive into the second segment.
So Blair doesn't know what this is going to be.
No, this this segment works a lot better for a chat.
If you heard our last chitchat, you'll see that we started to
record that. But the the balance Wheel of
life or balance Wheel of Relationship, sorry, is very
visual and very independent. And so working through it on an
episode didn't pan out the way we wanted to do.
But check it out. But check it out and yeah,
download that resource because it's there, it's free.
All you need to do is just pop your details in and you can
download it straight away. If you have any issues with
that, contact us as well. Definitely check that out
because it's a great foundational tool to set you up
for these following Bing modules basically.
So we're gonna work off what we did do.
We identified at the end of that episode areas we wanted to work
on and I think we landed on communication.
So we're gonna, for the example of this module, we're gonna work
on communication. Nice.
It's communication. It's almost appropriate for the.
Podcast. I get it.
So today's module is on the very well known tool called the GROW
tool. Have you heard of it before?
No, Yeah. So GROW stands for goals,
reality, options and way forward.
And it's a really helpful tool for helping you understand where
you are now and where you want to be and then how you can start
moving forward. So we've identified that when we
did our balance wheel, we were like communication could have
some work and it's something we want to strengthen.
And so whatever area you have identified on that, use that as
your your foundation for this. This is what you're this
specific area is what you're addressing.
If you come into holistically, like if you're trying to take
into account a bunch of different areas, it can get
overwhelming and and maybe lose a bit of its efficiency because
you're not able to get super specific.
So although we believe all of these areas are really important
to relationship, don't worry, you can work on those later, but
just start with this one that you've identified as a as a way
forward. And I think you just trust me
that that will be more effective for you than trying to take too
many on board at the same time. So this goal, this model, sorry,
guides us through four key areas.
Like I said, your goals, your reality, your options, and your
way forward. So we're going to take a little
time to explore that. I'm going to start with a quote
from Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins says the quality of
your life is determined by the quality of your relationships.
And I think that's a really impactful truth because if you
think about your relationship, especially if your parents, but
regardless if your parents are not it, it impacts every area of
your life. How quality your relationship is
is kind of a foundational piece to the rest of how everything
else is going. You might be able to fake it in
the other areas that you're happy or that you're doing all
right. But really deep down inside, if
your relationships in a bad place, it does feed into feed
into the other areas. Yeah.
And especially when you have children that that really feeds
into there. It adds an extra layer.
So it's important to be doing this work.
So let's dive into goals. I'm going to ask you this
question first, baby. So what motivates you to improve
in this area of communication? What motivates me to improve in
the area of communication? In our relationship, Why?
Why do you want to improve in communication?
Because I see it as my biggest weakness.
And I see that the biggest thing that when we wrestle, not
physically, when we no, when we have struggles in our
relationship, it always comes down to to a communication
issue. So it's like either my way of
explaining something or my way of understanding something.
Either way, it's a communication thing.
So yeah, that's why, because I see it as like a if we get
better at communication, we get better in a lot of other areas
because we can navigate through those other areas.
Yeah. Yeah, I would say exactly the
same thing. It's it we have children home on
school holidays, hence the lovely Yeah, it it if
communication is in a healthy place, if it's functioning like
a well oiled machine, you can tackle so many areas.
Doesn't mean that they magically disappear.
But being able to communicate through all the other areas I
think really gives you a the leg up in terms of navigating them
in a constructive way. Because how do you navigate them
in a constructive way if you're not communicating?
Hence why we decided that this podcast was going to be on
communication. Great, So that's the why.
So where do you feel you are now with communication and what
would be the ideal version of yourself if you were in the
place you want to be? In comparison to when we first
started dating Like how am I now in in comparison or?
Just where are you right now? Yeah, in comparison, if you want
to, but right now in your communication, where are you?
In, in comparison to, because I need to think back from where
you know, from recognising the need for growth and
communication. I definitely believe I've grown
a lot significantly. So back then there was this
drive for me to understand women more because I recognise that it
didn't. I just did not have any clue.
And then that grew from an understanding to be able to then
like for to understand, I realised was an ongoing process
of working through it and then through communicating through
that. And I was very like, just get to
the point, you know, like, let's just get to it, let's just
wrestle with it. Come on.
We just got to hash it out. And it didn't take long to
figure out that that's hurtful. My approach, not intentionally,
but in terms of just bluntness and not, I was more concerned
like I was more focused on the process, like in terms of
getting to the main point and wrestling through the main point
rather than the process of getting to that, you know, and
understanding that was more, there's a lot more intertwined
in the process than just the one topic that you're talking about.
So I think there, I just didn't understand that and I didn't
understand, you know, that people process things
differently and communicate differently and need things in
communication differently. So where I'm at now, I, I still
struggle with it for sure. Like I, because my natural way
of it is just like, just because I'm such a verbal processor is I
just, I say what I think, but not in terms of just trying to
put it on you. I'm actually trying to make
sense of it. Yeah.
So I still wrestle with that whole thing.
But just now the the value of growth or just the value of
communication in general is high, extremely high compared to
what it was when I before I realised it.
Where I want to be is, I think I mentioned this in the previous
episode as well. Where I want to be is I want to,
I want to have a, an awareness in my communication.
Yes, the things that need to be said, but the way that you need
to receive it. So usually when I mean we're
having a conversation, I'm just, and not in a selfish way, but
just in a processing way, I communicate from my style.
Like the way that I communicate that that's just what I do,
right? But I want to communicate in a
way that I know you're going to receive it in the way that you
need it. So I've got you in mind while
I'm communicating because, you know, when we're trying to work
something out, we're trying to work it out.
And so we're focusing our energy and our attention on the thing
we're trying to work through rather than the way the person
receives it. I want to have both of those in.
Balance. Yeah, yeah, I, I would say where
I am now with communication is I'm better at raising things
that I need to raise in the moment rather than holding them
for a long time. Because I really used to
struggle to like I would sit on it for a long time, like
something that was relatively small.
And so I am better at that. But I think what I now struggle
with is knowing how to do that in a way that's not going to
feel critical or not going to like put you on the defensive.
And sort of similar to what you said, like in a way that you're
going to hear it the best way, but also in a way that I, I'm
removing the your reaction in some way, I'm removing the
ownership of that from myself because yes, I need to be doing
it in a way that is best for you.
How you react and how you take that is your responsibility.
And I think this, this is valid for you as well.
Always doing it in a way that's going to be that is caring and
with you in mind, like as in with each other in mind as a
philtre, but also knowing you're going to react the way you
react. And because that's one thing
that I've wrestled with in my past is taking on how people
feel about things. And I really struggle to set
aside how someone's reaction is to something or how, how I
perceive someone's reaction maybe.
So I just sit there and like, yeah, it's a horrible mix.
And so I've needed to learn how to be like, that's their journey
and that's valid, but it's not my thing to like, take it on as
if it's my own. And so there's been a few things
like we talked about the engagement ring, for example,
you know, that should have been raised ages ago.
And so that's, that's the, the difficulty there.
I needed to let you react how you needed to react.
And I needed in that time, although it was hard and I'm not
sure I succeeded, to be able to just like let you be like,
that's your reaction. From my perspective, I think you
did succeed in. That it was, I mean, internally
is is different to externally, but yeah, but I needed to raise
it in a way that was as loving as I could.
And again, I'm not sure how successful that was, but it's,
that's what I want to work on is, is bravely, boldly saying
what I need to say, but in a way that's caring to you, but also
just saying it or being able to communicate it in a way that's
I'm doing my responsibility and I can also let you do your
responsibility. And so, yeah, in terms of what
that would look like, I think, I think having a much more gentle
approach, but also a like a consistent approach, like just
almost regularly checking in rather than it being this thing.
And I still do struggle with this being like, I need, I need
to talk about this and talk about this.
And then I sit there and I just like it becomes bigger than it
needs to be. Alright, so second, third
question. So now we've talked about where
we wanna be. We've pictured where we wanna
be, what, what we want that to look like.
And you can get super detailed on this like go to like how you
want to hold yourself when you're talking or like what the
vibe should be, what you like you said you can get super
detailed what kind of candle you want to like, what kind of like
music you want to play. And the more detailed, the
clearer you get, the better the impact.
So just to say that for you guys when you're doing this at home.
And then what I want to do is rephrase what you've just said
about where you'd like to be and talk about it in positive terms
as if it's already happened. So, but instead of like, yeah,
I'd really like to be able to be more bold.
But also like with you in mind, communication, be like I'm I'm
glad for the boldness that I have and the fact that I can say
it knowing that I'm listed that I'm caring about you, but I'm
saying in a way that is going to benefit us both in terms of not
building up. So you take it on almost like a
mantra if you want to put a thing to it, like I am doing
this and I'm saying in a positive way instead of the
negatives because our brains don't know the negatives and
claiming it basically as this is what we're working for.
This is what I'm doing now. So what specific positive
outcomes? And I know this sounds a bit
repetitive, but these are important.
What specific positive outcomes do you want to achieve in our
relationship? What positive?
Specific and positive, Yeah, with the lens of communication,
but doesn't have to be only communication related.
The podcast is one of these things that's been helping with
this, actually thinking through that is that that intentional
time where we grow in communication, You know, and
this is the podcast has actually been there for us.
And that was sort of that intentional thing of this is a
weekly thing that we'll sit again, we'll do and we'll
discuss stuff and it's just growing.
It's not necessarily speaking about ourselves, but it's just
working on that communication. So that intentionality behind
the growth of communication is good.
What where I want to be in like a growth point in that too is,
you know, we've spoken before. I want to do no technology
retreats, you know what I mean? And because I really believe
that's going to help with our communication as well, because
it's like remove distraction and just be present.
There's no agenda. There's no topics like what
we're doing on the podcast. There's nothing else.
It's just you and me and where the conversation goes.
That's what I would love to do. Like I have that as something
that we do. I would love to do that
annually. But that's that's my goal.
My dream is annual retreat with you.
No technology. Yeah.
Yeah, I think a, a really specific positive outcome is I
would want to just feel that we are both, we both feel just so
safe. Like we just both feel very
carried, but not in a way that's like we're dependent.
But just like I can trust that if there's something I don't
have to second guess that you're wrestling with something, you're
going to bring it up and you're going to bring it up in a way
that's because you want us to be stronger.
And same for me. You can trust that if I'm
raising something, it's not because I'm trying to be
nitpicky or I'm in a mood or I'm trying to like get my way, it's
because I want us to be stronger.
That's the like that's the tone of communication that I really
want us to get to. And I think we're we get that
way. Then there's times where it's
rocky, like it will be for everybody.
But that's I think, yeah, just being like instead of there
being any kind of internal turmoil about it, just be like,
OK, yeah, I trust, I trust him in this and I trust myself in
this or you trust me in this. And there's probably a whole
bunch more. So you get like list as many as
you like. So now we're moving on to the
reality side. So we've spoken about the goals.
Now we're going to move on to the reality.
What aspects of your current self, so who you currently are
or our relationship indicates that this area of communication
needs work? What stands out to me is when
it's because I still get defensive, like I still offend.
I still like, not even just with you, like in general, right?
Like so. Manage a bunch of teams and and
people and I can still communicate to them in a way
that's blunt and to the point and whatever else.
I don't have them in mind. Like I still do that.
So for me, like I'm sort of looking at this as in two sort
of lenses. I'm looking at my communication
in general and then my communication with you.
I feel like my communication with you is a lot more
intentional. And I think through it more
because it weighs on me so much more than I do with everyone
else. But I feel like if I can focus
on everyone else too, as a general thing like each
individual, it helps me with my growth in my communication with
you. Yeah, well, you're just focusing
on your communication, not on anyone else.
It's how you communicate. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm the same. The defensiveness for me like
that, I still get defensive and I still get like, yeah,
defensive. It's all under defensive.
Like what? But you do this or I do this or
I know, but you didn't see me do this.
Like, I don't like, I don't like that.
And I wish that that wasn't a part of it.
And I think that I still wrestle.
I still sometimes have that. Like, I don't know how to raise
this, or I sit there and dwell without mentioning it for too
long. What specifically?
Again, repetitive questions, but what specifically are you
dissatisfied with right now and how you approach this part of
yourself? Something I want to just mention
really quickly before I go there and I'm going to have to ask you
to repeat it again because I zoned out because I was thinking
of this other thing is my mind. I find it hard to stay one
track. These are very repetitive, but
the repetitiveness is so important because it's you don't
just want questions that you like you blitz through.
The purpose of these questions is to get that self reflection
happening, to slow you down and answer the question pretty much
over and over and over again to really get down to the nitty
gritty of it because that's where you can, you know, if you
just ask one question and answer it, that's going to be out of
your mind tomorrow. Yeah.
If you ask the same question in a different way multiple times,
it's going to be more ingrained and you're going to be like, oh,
that's right. You're going to remember more
and it's going to help you with things you're doing.
So yes, it is repetitive. Stick with it.
I know a lot of people will look at this with stuff of like, I
can't be bothered, you know, whatever else, but I want to
challenge you and encourage you dive into this.
Be intentional, be focused, be curious about yourself so that
you can be a better partner to your partner.
It also helps to identify what's underlying these things.
So you might, your first reaction might be, Oh yeah, I
get defensive. And then if I ask the same
question, slightly different, it might be like, oh, actually it's
not that I get defensive. It's that I don't trust that you
trust me or I don't trust or I'm too scared to become like one of
my parents or I'm too, I'm triggered because of a previous
like there, there could be so many things sitting under I get
defensive. And if we're just answering
surface level, like you've said, we're not engaged fully in that
reflection internally. Yeah, so very important and good
point. And, and just as well to the
guys listening in, there's a stats out there talking about
over 50% of guys don't get the help that they need.
They might recognise something within themselves.
They don't do anything about it. Don't be one of those 50%, you
know, I mean, if you recognise something, don't even do it for
yourself. I feel like there's something
with guys where we don't if we're the motivator for
ourselves to be happier or whatever else, it's kind of like
a takes a back seat. But if we have our partner in
mind or our kids in mind or whatever are someone else in
mind for that driving force. You know, you, if you invest in
yourself, you're going to make other people better.
You're going to build up other people, you're going to make
them happier, you're going to make them more supportive.
You're going to be able to, you know, all these different
things. So if you're recognising this
within yourself, actually do these steps is really.
Important. And you're also helping the next
generation. Yeah, start from ahead,
basically from where we did, yeah.
So the repeat of the question, what specifically are you
dissatisfied with right now in how you approach this part of
yourself, this communication, so.
That I switch on and switch off with, with my focus on it.
You know, I mean, it's not and not that it needs to be all
encompassing. It's more that like, you know,
even with like, you know, with me reading the Bible and stuff
like that, right. Like I'll go through these
moments where I'm like really, really keen on it and I'll read
it every single day. Then there'll be moments where
I'm just like, it's doesn't even enter my mind.
That's sort of similar like I with my communication, like I,
I'm intentional with it and then I just forget to be intentional
with it for periods of time. Yeah.
And even though we're doing this podcast, it's still easy to come
in and sit down and be intentional with the podcast,
but then walk away and not take. Away, not leave that in.
Yeah, I agree. It.
There's a phrase, there's not a phrase.
There's a framework that I'm going to probably mention a lot,
which is conscious competence, and I was explaining this to you
yesterday. When you're learning different
things, what you're on a different scale in terms of like
where you're at with a certain skill, for example.
And driving is a good example of this.
Babies don't know how to drive. They are unconsciously
incompetent. They're not even aware that they
don't know how to drive. Once you become a teenager,
you're aware, you're now conscious that you don't know
how to drive. And then you move, you move into
the competence, competence, Oh, I can't say competence seaside
where you are learning. So you're a learner driver.
You're now very aware that you're learning.
So it's a very intentional having to be really like, I'm
paying attention to everything. And that's called conscious
competence. And then eventually you switch
into unconscious in unconscious competence, which is where
people that have been driving for years no longer have to be
like on top of every tiny little thing that they're doing is just
natural. It's default.
And I think with this, This is why we do stuff like this.
We're moving ourselves up that and what you've just said is
probably a really good example of you, you needing to be really
consciously competent in this area or you default back into
the consciously incompetent or even maybe subconscious
unconscious incompetence. But like the defaulting back,
it's like, yeah, you're, you're, you're in that stage where
you're having to be really conscious of your competence.
It's like not quite default yet. Some areas probably are default.
Actually, that's probably a better place where you're
learning. You probably are switching
between unconsciously competent. So your default I'm really good
at communicating with me. You've had to put a lot of work
in. So for the most part you are
pretty intentional. And then moments where you
switch back into or if I'm not conscious of it, it's not going
to happen. That's actually a really helpful
thing to think through because, you know, it's so easy to look
at that question and be like, oh man, I'm doing so bad in this
area, you know, and you focus on the negative part.
But then when you, when you kind of have that lens of, well,
actually, I'm improving. I'm, I'm on this journey of
getting better. When you understand that you're
on a journey and it's not from like bad to good, it's a lot
more empowering and he's full to be honest.
Yeah, and nobody just randomly hops into.
Yeah, exactly. You don't just.
Get there. It's a process, yeah.
You work towards it. And you're actually in the most
active and probably most difficult, but in a challenging
way stage of it because you're having to intentionally learn
it. But it's not always gonna be an
intentional learning. It's gonna hopefully it will
move into default. Yeah, yeah.
So that's really interesting that way that you put that, that
you're that it switches on and off for me, I think I my, the
specific thing that I'm frustrated about is that I will
spend a lot of time being very aware of what motivates people
in what they do. Like I just, that's how I think.
I'm like, yeah, I reckon they feel this way because of this.
And so I'll spend a lot of time identifying that.
But when I am in the moment of being like communicated about
something that's that makes me defensive.
I lose that that like lens. It's not, it's not like where is
he coming from? I have to be again, really
consciously competent of that because I like I will default
into how am I feeling? How dare that person do this
thing rather than I think he's probably feeling unloved through
that. I can see how he'd feel unloved
and that I that specifically annoys me, especially because of
the time I spent outside of those moments being like, I
think that's probably why they're feeling this way.
Cool. All right, So have you tried to
make changes in this area before?
And if yes, what were those attempts like?
Absolutely. You know, this is a hard one
because we, we're always, we've always been trying to work on
this and the attempts have just been trying to understand other
people in general, like through courses or books or, or input
from mentors or whatever else. It's just been that continual
journey of learning more about others.
Because there's a thing is, you know, even communication in
general for me, like I said, I, I process and I communicate from
my perspective of things and my understanding of myself and what
I, what I'm trying to make sense of the topic or the
conversation, whatever else. I very rarely have other people
in mind when I'm, when I'm communicating.
What it's been like is like, it's been very, very insightful
and it's helped me and it's definitely helps to my growth in
my communication. But I think with communication
and my leadership, my like, my leadership has grown
significantly as well because my communication is absolutely.
And so you learn how to communicate with people, but
there's still a lot of room to grow, you know?
Yeah, yeah, I, I feel like my work that I put towards it is
outside of the moments of my emotions.
I'm like, yeah, actually I can see where he's coming from.
And I think about it there and I try to like come back to things
and try to communicate about why I was defensive or why I reacted
the way that I did. But when the emotions come, it
kind of goes out the window. Maybe less, maybe actually not,
maybe definitely less than when we were first together.
It's slowly that muscles be being built I think as well,
especially in the area of like taking like taking a long time
to raise things or taking on someone's reaction or what I
think their reaction is going to be.
That area I've had to do so much work in because it's just been a
really hard thing for me to feel like I'm getting making moves in
because it's such a, an ingrained defence mechanism that
I've got going on. And so I, especially in the last
year, have really tried to put a lot of like effort into trying
to even visualise like throwing the basketball back.
Like someone throws me their thing and I just throw it back
mentally. Like I try to like really get a
handle on that. And that's probably the place
that I've had to put a lot of work into.
Actually had my cousin mention a really interesting phrase that
for some reason has worked so well.
And I don't know why these things sometimes work and they
don't in other ways because it's exactly the same as everything
else I've worked on, like everything else I've tried to
say to myself, But he said, it's not my task to do that for you.
And I was like, Oh my gosh, like using that in the last few weeks
has actually been so helpful. So thank you, Dan, if you heard
that it's. And so I don't know why that
phrasing all of a sudden has just been like, that's not my
task to do that. And that's helped me feel,
helped me hold things with less intensity, which then helps me
communicate better. Yeah.
So it all like snowballs. Who knows about snowballs in
Australia? So it's Denver snows.
Great. So who in your life, This is the
last question for the reality side.
Who in your life supports your growth in this area?
And who could be a helpful resource if they're not yet
being that resource? So my mates and my Co workers
are helpful resources. And so I'm, you know, we talk
about who we, that quote you mentioned earlier, sort of like
who we surround ourselves with. And my mates are very open and
transparent about growth. And it's like we're all trying
to grow and even my Co workers, you know, the, the organisation
I work with, we're all we're trying to bring greater support
for dads in that perinatal period.
And but in doing that, we're growing ourselves.
So the conversations really coming from ourselves, it's like
we discuss our stuff and then it's like others are going to be
struggling with that too. That's what we need to be
addressing within our programmes and with our organisation, you
know, so they're, they're the things that are investing in me
already. What can, what can help would be
people in the next life stage. And I've spoken to you about
this. I want to be surrounding myself
with more people in the next life stage where the kids are,
you know, either late primary school, early high school sort
of stage, because that's a whole other area that I'm not there
yet. And I want to learn that I want
to be ready for that as much as possible.
So that's, I reckon they're the people that would help.
And also people like, you know, we, we've also spoken.
Oh, that's probably going off tangent from communication, but
I'm like entrepreneurs, like we want to be around people to
help. US resonate, yeah.
Like and help us, you know, grow the podcast and grow your
coaching courses and stuff like that is something we want to be
surrounding ourselves with too, yeah.
I never feel as like light and like capable as I do around
people that have the same goals or the same kind of like drive.
Yeah yeah. So that's slightly off, but
similar. I think it does somehow it does
really impact the whole even things like communication and
relationship for me same thing like who could help is
absolutely someone just a bit ahead.
I I think and it's really hard to like.
I don't even necessarily have a person that I, I've got a few
people that kind of are in that stage, but I don't necessarily
have a person like, oh, this person would be really good.
And I, I'd love to find somebody like that because I do think
there's so much value from someone who's just a few steps
ahead of you and that has had the same heart in terms of like,
we want to really grow together. I think sometimes you think
about like people a number of steps ahead.
And I'm not sure when you're that far ahead.
There's absolutely so much wealth of knowledge, so much
wealth of knowledge, but it'd be almost like that far removed
that I kind of want to step my way up here.
But yeah, my my friends, I've got some really beautiful,
constructive, encouraging, helpful friends around me that I
can, that are very safe to bring my thing that I'm challenged by
to and know that I'm going to be given advice that's or given
support and advice and in a way that's going to bring a
constructive thing. So absolutely agree with you.
And so this, if this is you and you're like, oh, I don't have
anyone, what would be really good is to be like identify who
you do have people, whether it's you know, people that you know,
or resources like this, like a podcast, books around you,
recommendations, community forums, There are there are
people you have. So take a take a moment to try
and especially if you're struggling with this question as
neutrally as possible, be like, who do I have?
And then also if you're like, actually, I really would like
more resource in this place, more people feeding in.
What might be cool is to sit there and be like, who do I
want? And instead of picturing a
person, get really clear on this ideal person that could speak
into your life, like who do I want in my life in this space?
And just get clear. Like I'd really like, like
we've, we've just done someone a few steps ahead of us kids early
LA primary school or high school and, and in a relationship where
they're focused on this, like identify those things and get
kind of a goal person in your mind so that you can be.
It's almost like a, a clarity in terms of who you want to be
around and surround yourself with.
It won't be an immediate like you don't go shop for a friend,
but you can start to be like when you're wading through who
you're building community around wherever you might have
community be like, these are the people that don't really help me
towards what I feel is valuable and important.
So I'm probably not going to use them as an authority in the
space because I don't feel uplifted or constructed in that.
And instead these people actually do kind of have this
real good vibe, constructive vibe in this space.
And I, I think I'm going to try and in like put a bit more
effort into engaging with them. And another start for you all.
So 5747, sorry, percent of, of guys view struggles as a sign of
weakness, right? So like depression or anxiety or
whatever else is a sign of weakness.
And, and this is something that I was so, and then I was
definitely in that boat as a younger guy, right?
I was definitely in that, in that place of just not
understanding what it meant, but also the, the, I was in that
place of prioritising self growth, not practical growth
like career growth. But like myself, I, I just
didn't see the value in that. And that's a big thing that I've
been really chatting to some guys about is, you know, getting
help. Is that for me a sign of
strength? Because to do that is a level of
vulnerability that we're not used to is a lot of guys, right?
And that is scary for a lot of guys to be vulnerable is there's
a fear element to it. So we won't do it.
And that's why I was saying before about that, you know, 50%
of guys don't get the help. And So what they need, because
there's a fear element to it, because there's a vulnerability
that we're not used to. This is, I want to really
challenge you guys. Like if you want to grow, if you
want to grow, we need to go to the hard places.
Like we see difficulty is physical difficulty for a lot of
people, you know, I mean, it's, but it's, it's so much more than
that. And the reward for you going to
an emotionally difficult place is so much greater than any
physical challenge you'll ever achieve.
You know, I mean, like the reward from a physical challenge
is great, but the reward from going through an emotional
challenge is greater. You will be able to, you'll be
so much more emotionally intelligent.
You'll be so much more emotionally stronger and healthy
to be able to support those that you love, right?
Like we, we're in relationships, guys.
We, it's not just this buddy that we hang out with at our
home, but this is our, our spouses, our partners, people
that we love. It's going to impact our kids.
It's going to impact our, our friends, like the growth that we
do is, is going to be impacting people way more than just
ourselves. So I just want to put that I
want to keep bringing those challenges out there because I
know a lot of our audience are males and these are the things
that we wrestle with. We do.
And these stats are so clear, 50% of, of those two stats that
I mentioned before. This is a real challenge for a
lot of guys. And then also just to help fit
our female audience too, to help you understand guys more as
well. It's like, it's not that we just
have this stubbornness of, you know, going to an emotional
place. We've never seen it for a lot of
us, we've never, ever seen that other male go to an emotional
place. So for us to be able to go there
too, it's not that we the lack of want, it's the lack of
knowledge of how like, how do you do that?
How do you share that? How do you process that
information? How do you process the as
emotions? I know it kind of sounds a bit
weak, maybe possibly from a female's perspective.
The guys just don't know how to do that.
But the reality is, is we don't. And this is the the culture that
is changing. The culture is changing because
more and more guys are stepping up to the plate.
They're stepping up into that that vulnerable space because
they know they see the impact. People are starting to see that
more. Yeah, absolutely.
I love that so much. And I think what you, when
you're talking about like working on the emotional
vulnerability that underpins everything, the strength that
you get from something like that makes you stronger physically in
the long run. It helps you with those
challenges. It makes you better.
It makes you be able to better tackle your work goals or your
whatever goals. It's actually you're you're
doing yourself a disservice by ignoring those things.
And that's why that first quote about like the quality of your
life is determined by who the quality of your relationships,
100 percent, 100%. All right, so moving on to
options. Now, the O of grow, we're going
to list, I want you to list ideas or possibilities that will
move you closer to your goal in communication, big and small
steps. And think of it from this lens,
If fear was playing no role, like there was No Fear.
In your decisions, what could you improve exactly?
Yeah, it's a green lighting, so everything.
'S green lighting everything. 'S possible, right?
So going to the moon is possible next.
And that's the thing too, like going to the moon is possible,
but that's a huge step. So what's the next steps that
could be helping me do this? I think the next steps is
naming, naming people that I will go out and speak to about.
I'm not going to go to them and say, Hey, can you help me?
You know, I want to be friends because I want to get better at
this. But just like, you know, who can
I want to catch up with, like a coffee with or get our kids to
catch up and have a play date with whatever else, I think
that's the next thing. And then, you know, and this is
the beauty of of relationship. You and I can help each other do
this, right? So naming people and then naming
their action, the guys need action with like just catching
up and just talking is not something that guys naturally
do. We need to always be doing
something. So either it could be coffee or
I went out for a mate with a mate last night.
We had a meal. Just gonna be doing something,
yeah, catching up with some other guys soon.
And we're going to do like a virtual reality golf thing,
which is going to be fun, but we're going to be doing
something. We won't just go out and catch
up. We're going to be doing it.
So what could that be? So I think stepping it out like
that, yeah, I think that's the next steps, Naming who it is and
naming what we can do. Yeah, yeah.
Following that up. Yeah, For me, I would be same
naming people that I could surround myself with and then
putting myself out there to invite them for coffee or
whatever green lighting I would be doing like like seeing a
psychologist again or a counsellor just to help me with
really like nailing down this, like removing the emotional
difficulties I've got with it. I would be, I think one thing I
want to say, which this is this, I'm literally telling you right
now, this is what I want to do. So it's not relevant to us, but
it could be you listening to this and thinking, Oh yeah, I
want to work on this, but I don't even know how to tell my
partner. I think telling your partner
like being if, if pretending we hadn't had this conversation,
getting really clear with you and saying, I want to work on
this. So I just want you to know that
I'm being intentional. I want to be really intentional
with my communication to you. And just naming that like if
fear was removed, vulnerability was removed.
And that might not be the way that your relationship navigates
or the dynamics you have. That kind of vulnerability can
be a game changer to how your partner takes on this challenge
as well. And it's funny, like, you know,
I'll say again, I was saying to my mate last night and we're
saying about how for a lot of guys, they don't know how to
start. They don't know how to be
vulnerable, right? You don't know how to be to
communicate with your partner about the things that you're
working on. It can be quite internal.
And then some of females, I'm assuming we would struggle with
the same thing. And it's a matter of like the
first step is just telling your partner, hey, I'm struggling to
be able to communicate. That's communicating like that.
Is it like that's where you start is like, hey, I'm really
struggling like to to communicate with you about my
struggles. I want to get better.
Start there. And it's like if they ask more
questions, yeah, be honest. I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know. And that's, that's the
vulnerability of in that space is so easy and it's so doable
and the impact is great. If that's all you've done, you
haven't had anything before that do it.
You know that's so worth it. I've had to do this before
because sometimes I get really like AI patternize or something.
I don't know what the heck goes on in my head.
And I get like, I, I know there's something and I am
wrestling with it, but I don't know what it is and I don't know
how to say it. And so there have been times
where I'm like, you've been, you've asked me if I'm OK or
whatever is going on and I have had to say I am just trying to
figure something out and I don't know how.
Yeah. And it almost then like relieves
because if you're anything like me, it's like the conversation
has to be perfect. I have to know exactly why and
what and how I'm feeling and how to bring it up.
But that's not how a relationship works.
And, and it's going to put off doing the thing.
And so that's what I would, yeah, I would just stumble out
and be like just, you know, say it's communication, be like
just. So I just wanna let you know
that I really wanna talk to you about how I wanna work on
something, but I don't know how to talk to you about it.
So I'm just saying it. So then that's you.
Can say that to me sometimes you're still processing it but
this is yeah, can you put it there a little nugget and we
just. Pick it up.
Yeah, it's almost like that text message of honey, we need to
chat when you're at work. And I don't do something like
that. That's or.
Just send a podcast episode. Send the podcast.
Be passive aggressive. Yeah.
Be like, listen to this. Yeah.
And the next question is, what would you do if you knew you
couldn't fail? And it's a similar type of
question again, the repetitive but different angle.
What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
I don't see that as a struggle of mine as a as a thing of like
I couldn't fail. Yeah, yeah.
Because it's. So I'm finding it hard to answer
that question because I'm like. You don't.
That's not a factor for you. That's not a factor for me.
It's such a factor for me the other day.
Oh yeah, yeah. Because the other day, remember
there was a question that we had for our broker.
Yeah. And I was like, I I'm so nervous
to send this question. I just literally need to put
your name at the end of the email and I'll even write it and
send it. But there's just something about
like it being someone else that's asking the question.
Yeah, it's. Actually so interesting because
there's so many times where you can't send a message.
Yeah, and it makes sense because there's a fear of failure.
But in my hand, I no, it's not failure.
Like failure is never in the equation for.
It's not failure necessarily, it's more like looking silly or
looking looking vulnerable or putting myself out there and
being rejected. So for you, I'm you ask and you
receive and there's people that I was saying this to a friend
recently. The people that succeed in life
are the people that ask for what they want.
And they, they either get what they want or they don't, but
they've asked. And I was like, if you never
ask, you literally never get it. And that's a bit of a, a
different thing, but it's just sort of the same.
Like if you don't put yourself out there, you might be
rejected, but you also will never receive.
If you don't put yourself out there, you're never going to get
where you want. And I think people really value
when you do put yourself out there.
And I really struggle to look silly.
I really struggle to not know what I'm asking or not have a
clarity. So things like selling a house
is extremely vulnerable for me because I'm like, I don't know
what to do. But you ever since the
beginning, like there was things that you wanted to learn.
So you just ask someone for help.
You just ask them for input. You just ask them to do these
things. And I was always like, Oh my
gosh, I don't know if I could, like, put myself out there.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that's valid that
that's not that's not really a challenge for you.
For me, it would be inviting certain people out for coffee.
That would be the big if I knew I couldn't fail and I wasn't
going to be rejected, I would just message people.
There's multiple people on the top of my head and ask them to
go out for coffee with me. Yeah, yeah.
Because for me, I'm like, OK, Because, you know, I've
mentioned one person that I want to do this with me I've already
told you about. Like they turn around and say
no, cool, he's the next person. Yeah.
That's yeah. But for me, that's like, Oh my
gosh, I click collapse in the heap.
I'm so awkward. Every time I see them, there's
like a whole story to why they've done it.
Yeah. Anyway, so 100% I would just put
myself out there with people. I want to spend more time with
it. It's.
So funny because as well the name that you have, you've met
with them a few times. Yeah, I know.
And you still can't get past that.
Yeah, because I'm like, do they even like me?
Don't ask me why, it's just how it is.
I don't know why. It's the health, it's self
esteem. If there's so many things, we'll
play into it when this is not what this is on.
But that's what I would do if I knew I couldn't fail.
If I knew I couldn't fail, I would, I would say and, and hold
firm boundaries. This is not just with you, by
the way, but I would hold firm boundaries and say what I knew
was was valuable for me and my family and for my my piece and
for what we needed and what was going to get us the best place
in the future without worrying that I was going to disappoint
everyone or they're going to like be upset at that or
whatever. And I would just be like, no,
that's actually not constructive.
There's so many things. There's so many things that I
would be much firmer on in terms of like, no, this is the
constructive way. This is what I believe is going
to get us stronger, but I just don't know how to be.
So that's what I would do. All right, So imagine that deep
down you already know exactly what to do next.
What would that be? Didn't we just say that though?
Remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Deep down, you know exactly what the next step is.
What is it? Message Message.
Yeah, cool. Now that message them, yeah,
well, I think the next yeah. But when would you do that?
Next step is now where I'm getting because I'm like, oh,
time, we're just about to get the house sorted and.
OK, that's a good. That's a good challenge.
Yeah. Because that's life.
Yeah, not everyone's moving, but.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, so the next step then?
You're asking me? Yeah, well, I'm asking you and
I'm thinking about it. Myself yeah to message them and
and to organise them play date yeah cool with with their kids
as well. Not you, Yeah, same.
I think message, I think so as well.
I just raised like we've actually got a crazy couple
months as we've told you. So then straight away it's like,
but if we message now, then whatever.
So I think if I deep down you what the next step would be be
like, hey, I would love to catch up with you.
We're moving, so probably afterwards, but just letting you
know, let's find time at this stage.
You do that next step, yes. Good job.
All right. So way forward, last step of
grow. Looking at the options you've
explored, which ones truly move you forward in communication?
So this is OK, what I really think is going to truly move us
forward if like, it'll be nice to get other people to speak
into our relationship and so forth.
But what I really feel is going to move us forward are these no
technology retreat weekends. I think that is going to be the
big thing for us moving forward. Yeah.
But then it's then. But the way I got caught up is
like, when would we do that? Yeah.
But still that's and. But it's saying it is now
putting that as more of a priority in my head.
Yeah, but even the retreat, like if there's because other people
may have things that are similar, there's not convenient
times for things. So either booking something
that's like whatever ahead or being like, OK, I can't do that
big thing now what can I do now that's going to be the same.
It's going to give a a glimpse or at least move me towards
that. We could be, we could be one day
that we have where we're just hanging out, no things or 1
evening that we we turn everything off We're not.
Well, we've spoken about that. So it's like no technology on a
Sunday or something, you know, like we've spoken about putting
those things in place. So I think that would be the
next step is putting that in place.
Yeah. I think for me, the ones that
would truly move me forward would probably be more things
like, yeah, I think probably just like removing distractions,
same as you removing distractions.
Whatever it is that distracts me or like for me, I get really
overwhelmed when I've got too much in my head.
And a lot of the time if there's something on my phone like
messengers or I'm waiting for a message or I'm listening to
something music even like sometimes like the layering, I,
my communication skills are like.
Yeah. So yeah, putting so.
That's cool too. Like So what you said then is
like we're working on our communication overall, but then
we're also helping out, you know, the, the times where our
communication skills drops. So for you, when there's a
simulation of, of stuff around like, you know, sounds or you
know, distractions around, your skills are just not there.
Another thing that popped into my head was like almost
identifying like a safe word that I could say to you when
pineapples. Yeah.
Why is always pineapples? I don't know.
It's always pineapples anyway, a safe word that I could say to
you that that was that. I like that let you know that
I'm I have something I want to talk to you about.
I'm not sure how to do it And and I need to do it.
So it gets you in the right space so that you're like, all
right, this is a a heavier thing that she needs to talk to me
about and she's wrestling. It's not like out of the blue.
I'm like, what about this thing that we've done or this thing
that you did to me? And but it also like kind of
burst that bubble of of the tension of when do I bring it
up? Yeah, yeah.
That's another idea. So thinking outside of the box
as well, depending on what your area is.
OK, what preparations do you need to make to take those
steps? This is good for the no tech
thing. What preps preparations do we
need to do for that? Well for me it's saying it like
it's because if we say no tech on Sundays, it's just now.
Or maybe it's a matter of we get a box for our phones.
Yeah, there's some pretty cool, yeah, things that you can do.
Yeah, a box, like any box would work as well, but.
I've I've heard of something where it's a charging box and
locks on it. Yeah, and it's a game as well.
Is that the thing I was showing? Oh, maybe that's it's a game.
So then like when one person puts their phone in it, it
starts taking up time and it notifies the other person that
this person's doing their whatever you call it.
And then it's like a whoever wins the most time in the box.
Yeah, it's very expensive. But they also have an app
actually. So there's apps that you could
do that would have similar kind of things.
But yeah, I think something like that would be really good for
me, getting really clear on what it's not.
Just don't be on your phone. It's like my phone's sitting on
its charger or my phone goes in the box.
Or literally from 12:00 AM on Saturday or Sunday morning till
this time on Sunday. No tech.
And then I know then I can relax and be like, outside of that,
it's fine. We're not.
It's fine. But, you know, like once it
takes over this time, then I'm good.
And it's something about that in my brain makes it more doable
than just like, let's not do tech on Sunday.
Yeah, I think that's really good.
Identify someone you trust. When will you share your
intentions and commitment to your planned actions with them?
And I think we've just identified for us that we want
more people speaking into this space.
So if that's the case, that's a a different challenge, but who's
someone that you trust and and inputs you trust and is safe
right now that you could say to them, hey, I'm working on this.
I just want to let someone know I'm working on this.
He's a safe person, one of my mates, yeah.
Yeah, same. Yeah, Yep.
And a good one would be if, like we said, you haven't said this
to your partner, they would be a good person.
Yeah, Oh. No, I think that should.
I was going to say. Like you, but you're right.
Yeah. Yeah, they would be the first
person within a safe space. Obviously everyone's
relationship is different that I would be like encouraging people
to have this conversation. Focus on you.
When you're having that conversation is if they see you
putting in the effort, they're not going to not be able to put
in the effort themselves. Like it's going to be setting
the tone for your relationship. Exactly.
All right. What obstacles stand in your way
and what strategies can you overcome these with?
Obstacles would just be, I think discipline would be 1 and and I
don't have a box like getting one.
I mean, yeah, to get one. And with discipline, I think
it's just a matter of I think getting the the the tools will
help with their discipline because it's that process.
It's like this is where it goes. It's not.
Just don't use it. Like you said, this is where it
goes. Yeah, I think for me, the tone
that I address it with like if it's like, oh, we really
shouldn't use our phones, that totally dislike disengages me.
If it's like, oh, Sundays are are no no phone days or no tech
days. And then making it so it's not
just it's not just a choice. Actually, we get to do this
instead. And so Sundays, no tech days,
but it also means no obligation or like, you know, like, or we
play this game or we do this kind of a lunch or whatever it
is that would work for us, making it not a chore, making it
an exciting thing. I think as well that timeline
for me being like from here to here and there in this box, from
this to this and this in that box or during the day, your
phones here or whatever it might be.
Getting really clear on that. I think boredom would be the
biggest obstacle for me. Boredom being like, that's not
very fun. And then being like, actually,
this is what we're going to do to make it fun, make it special,
make it doable. Last one really important.
How are you going to celebrate this success?
Celebrating your success along the way, not success like, oh,
we've achieved perfect communication success like your
little wins. How are you going to celebrate
that? And that could be actually
following what I've just said instead of being like, oh,
Sunday's going to be our notary. Day.
Oh thinking the exact same thing is like cool you it's pizza day
or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whatever. Find a way that you're going to
celebrate your success. Yeah.
I think something like that works really well for us.
For me at least, straight away I want pizza so that works.
Pizza's not open on Sundays. Damn it.
Yeah. So you get really specific.
How are you going to celebrate? This is a fun process.
This is a good challenge. Celebrate together as a couple
and and be approaching it with a positive like, yes, we're doing
this and every like we talked about that conscious competence
to sub unconscious competence. We're celebrating that process,
the little bits that get us closer there.
And I'm going to finish with one little quote from Audrey
Hepburn. The best thing to hold on to in
life is each other holding on to this relationship and putting
intentionality, the pride and the foundation and the enjoyment
that you will get from actually intentionally addressing your
relationship is invaluable. There's actually no value to put
on it. It can't be bought, it can't be
fabricated. It is from hard work.
But for the best, return. Well, thank you for sitting
through this grow session. Grow with relationships in
relationships. Like we said, we are going to be
going for a little while, so this is the last time you'll
hear from us for a while, but watch our socials.
Please do follow along. And.
Chat with us, chat with us. We want to keep going.
Yeah, thank you for those that entered our giveaway last week
as well. We really appreciate it and we
want to keep hearing from you guys as well.
Please reach out, please share the podcast, be really excited
for the awesome guests and interviews we're going to have
when we come back. TBC Yeah, Season 2 good chat
guys guys.