I like, I remembered a lot of great guys out there and you're
doing an awesome job. Yeah, But I know there's a lot
of guys that are struggling with this.
And what I wanna do is not shame.
You wanna encourage you. And again, I'm not perfect at
it. We're still growing.
That's why we're doing this. To grow.
Grow with us. Come on this journey with us.
Welcome to Honey. We need to chat.
This is a podcast all about communication.
That's our motto. To communicate, communicate.
Excuse me, girl Bunny. Excuse me, buddy.
Jesus once pony. Alright, we're just wrestling
with all golden retriever at the moment.
Is trying to push Amy off her seat.
What is happening? There's no space for you up.
Here, funny. Come on, there's no space.
Funny. Alright, well welcome.
Welcome to. Ohhhhh.
Yeah, of course. Now that's amazing.
OK, we're all about communication here.
We believe that when communication dies, bad things
happen. So anyway, welcome.
We are really excited to be here.
We haven't recorded for a little while.
I feel like it's been a while. Two weeks.
Two weeks yet because I've been doing my production of Sound of
Music, which in which I was just enough and don't get excited,
but it was very fun. Be none.
One of the 20. The the none that wasn't the
main none, that's who. You were one of the non main
nuns. Yeah, I'm still doing it.
I'll be back tomorrow and the next three days, which is the
last few days of the run, but very exciting.
It just has meant that we've been extremely busy family wise,
so haven't recorded. Yeah, we do have our New Zealand
trip coming out, which we're really, really excited about.
So if you're not already, go follow us on Instagram to
socials and follow along that many with us.
I'll be really, really cool. I'm actually really looking for
that. Yeah, we.
Awesome. Exciting.
And not to date this episode too much, but we've had a really
exciting week with the podcast ohe Yeah, because our listener
group has expanded drastically. Massively so.
Well, Blair being sickly sweet, I don't tick tock.
We addressed. It no.
We, yeah. Sorry.
Just four contacts for those who didn't see the if you weren't a
part of the 2 million views. So far, but I don't know when
this comes up. Yeah, yeah.
How many? I thought the moment in the
episode that came out where Amy was making the point of what
generalised beauty is in that moment, just in the way that she
was saying it, you made the comment of you don't even think
that I see you as the most beautiful person in the world.
I know that's not what you were saying, but I could not.
I couldn't just let you say it, but it just was really grinding
inside of me. Yeah, just just hearing you say
that. And so I just communicated.
Well, actually, no. Amy is the most beautiful woman
in the world to me. And I explained why her being
the mother of my children, my best friend.
I really do think you're beautiful.
Anyway, that blew up and I got a lot of praise over that.
We came out with a follow up video, essentially just saying,
man, what I did in that video is actually the bare minimum of
what I should be doing to express my love for you.
And even then, like I said, nice words and this.
This was one big point of the video, though, was that unless
you feel those words, they just words, you know.
And so that's. One, unless you feel and also
act them. Out.
Exactly right And but it was just really, really sad.
We had a lot of comments come through about how people hadn't
felt that from their partners and everything else.
And it's really, really sad and so put out a bit of a challenge
for guys And just to just to be clear that I haven't always
treated Amy like this. Words of affirmation did not
come naturally to me as something that we have grown in
together. The more that I've I've known
you, the more that we've been intentional about growing in in
me understanding who you are. So it's through the growth of
our relationship. Have I been able to speak to you
that way. It's not a natural thing.
Yeah, just we wanted to make that really, really clear cause
we're getting some comments about oh, where do I find a man
like that? Well, you didn't find me like
that. We've worked on that together.
I mean, you are and always were, even before I met you.
Just very ready to learn and very ready to be a good husband
and a good dad. Doesn't mean you knew everything
and neither did I. No.
And I think that's the key is you work as a team and that team
has to be a safe and healthy place, should be fostered.
But you were always a very switched on man.
But I think you are someone who's willing to be intentional
though. I think that's the key factor in
that, yeah, but we all are capable of being intentional.
Absolutely single person is capable of being intentional.
So it's interesting though one comment that really stood out to
me. I don't know if we've ever
spoken. On the screenshot last night,
what was it? He said.
She's a yapper, She's a yapper. She's lucky to have him we've.
Had some like out of the two million that we've seen so far,
there's been like 10 that have been silly.
Yeah. And we've you've deleted a few.
Of them. Some of them have been just
nasty. I'm like, I don't need you on
here. No, no, yeah, but no, that's not
the comment. I was going to talk.
What I was going to talk about was a guy had had commented and
said the man set the bar up on the moon and I was like he set
the bar on the moon. Excuse me.
Yeah, this is like again. He hasn't lifted the bar.
Yeah, this bar is like this bar is where it should be.
Yeah. And someone saying he's set the
bar to the moon. I'm sorry, is it really that
unreasonable? Yeah, To think about saying
something like that to your partner.
I think that is just mind boggling.
Yeah. So it's been very educational
this week. Hmm.
But also super encouraging in terms of the podcast and the
engagement. So thank you for being here, and
thank you for liking and following and all of the above.
It's been amazing. Well, this is a Reddit week
Reddit story week, But excitingly we actually have a
couple of listener write Inns. What and we have.
To actually just read it. We have to do like opening
questions and stuff. Yeah, I'm just saying, oh, yeah,
course given, given, say, girl, yeah.
But before we do that, we'll do some opening questions and
stuff. Well, it's you're also from
Patreons. Ohhhhh, yeah, yeah, we got a
couple from Patreon. So Patreon guys, thank you so,
so much for support. We've just activated Patreon.
We got our first few Patriot honours.
We're gonna come up with a funny name.
With better name. And if you have suggestions, let
us, because it's not just Patreon, we've also got Spotify
subscription, so just let us know.
It's a bit complicated. Yeah, I don't wanna call him the
honey. The patries, the.
Our honeys, monies, colonies, not the pet.
We got many names. I've got.
I've got so many names. Becoming Collamer Chatterboxes.
Chatterbox. Chatterboxes.
Anyway, so we do have some sorry, my opening question is,
if you had all the money in the world, you didn't have to worry
about anything. Would you decide to live in on a
beach like in in a different country like Greece?
Like would you like to raise a family right in the mountains or
in the city? In the mountains?
If I had all the money in the world.
Really. Yeah.
Easy. What do you mean 100% thought
you were said in New York? Not to raise a family.
Heck no. Heck no.
To the techno. Yeah, no.
Yeah. Mountains.
Easy. That's some secluded little.
Like off the grid you. I've spoken about this for
years. Well, now, now you've thrown me
because I legit thought you would have said New York.
No, it's a city. Do you know me?
I do love New York. It's my favourite city.
But that's not. Well, cause you, but you would
always talk about how you wish you lived in New York.
I know you said stuff about the mountains, but you haven't.
I don't feel like you've expressed your views of the
mountains the way that you've expressed your views of the.
City. I think family.
Raising a family is a totally different thing.
If I was a single woman or even in a couple, then maybe living
in New York would be really cool for a while.
But even then, I wouldn't want to live there for my whole life.
There you go, learn something new everyday you.
Me mountains, absolutely. I just love the mountains in
general. I mean the beach would be nice
but it would just be is so touristy or sorry like holiday.
I feel like the mountains you can like.
I do love the beach. I do love the beach, but I think
I just enjoy the mountains more. I think because in my head when
I think of mountains, I think of like the videos you see on
Instagram and TikTok and stuff about the like the house, the
tree houses, like the actual legit treehouses and it's it's
raining and it's like waterfall coming down next to it that give
me that. For me, it's really just about
where I would be the most hidden from zombies.
Yeah, sorry. That's right.
And that's only partially a joke.
And you. Oh, wait, no, you're ready.
Yeah. Away from zombies too, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Actually, just in case it does
happen, guys, no, I'm not going to tell you our plan.
They become the zombie. They're gonna know where we.
Are and I'm not joking when I say we have planned it.
Yeah, so legit when we used to watch Walking Dead a lot.
And we every time we go for a drive like Ohe, yeah, we'll go
here, here, here. And we plan out the whole, the
whole thing. The whole.
Shebang. But if you have a plan you want
to share with us, isn't it might be as good as us, yeah.
What's the next question? Simple one pineapple on pizza?
Yay or nay? Nay, nay, what about you?
I am. I'm a fence.
Really. I am on the fence.
I mostly nay but hold the double.
I could double with some pineapple and ham.
That sound could go so many ways.
Yeah, if I turn it into a tick tock, I like pineapple.
Yeah, I love pineapple. I don't wanna unsavoury stuff.
I don't get that. Sweet.
I don't like it on burgers and it's no no, Go on burgers.
And again, most of the time it's a no.
But I will say that sometimes a little nibble is nice.
Again. OK, I'll try to think like in
many ways I could say this. Yeah, yeah.
No. So no, I'm going to say no with
like 1/2. Yes, from Blair.
The first question was by our Patreon gas.
Thank you so much, mate, for your support and the pizza one.
Shane. Thank you so much, Shane.
Really appreciate you, mate. And I'm just going to do another
cha cha, cha, cha cha. In what ways do you want us to
grow in our communication? It's an area of strength for us.
No, I think probably I want to grow in being more upfront with
how I'm feeling with things. The issue is I'm not always sure
how I feel until I've like worked it out a bit.
So it's a bit hard to do that. And the other issue is being
upfront can come across blunt or inflammatory, which I have
observed in my lifetime a lot. And so that's why I tend not to
do that. But I do wish I was a little bit
better at saying I think I'm getting better, but just saying
what I really. Think I think you're getting a
lot better at saying yeah, for sure.
I get a lot better. Tell him what I need.
Tell me what's what? About you.
For me, I think the way that I would like us to communicate
better. I was not ready for this
question cause I got it out of the jar.
I think this is a hard one for me to answer because we are
working on stuff, so it's not like, oh man, it's not like that
we don't have anything to work on.
But we're we are working on, we're already actively working
on it, so it's hard to pinpoint something.
This might sound funny, but I genuinely mean this.
I want to get better at be able to communicate nicely in the
mornings. Yeah, like at the kids, at
everyone. Like in the more I'm not a
morning person at all and I'm very cranky.
And so when there's yelling and there's things aren't going
forward or if they've, you know, they can't find their shoes,
like this morning, I get very, very cranky.
So what? So when it comes to
communication with us, I don't know how that fits, but I think
it's something like maybe I don't know our communication,
how supporting each other when we're cranky with the kids or
something. Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good one. That's when I.
Got nice. So just out of little
transparency, that stupid chap jar that question, yeah, that
question just sparked up a lot of stuff for us.
So we had to be real. And that was a conversation that
Amy and I always have to have a break.
We had a chat that out and it was good.
It's hard. We are still married today.
No, but it's good. We just we had to have that
break and as to to chat through that, that's something we're
going to keep private for now. We will cover that in another
episode I think because I don't think that it's unique to us.
I genuinely don't oht. I know it's not, but it's still
a sensitive one. And so yeah, we'll we'll share
with you guys in. The future more raw and
processed so. Yeah, absolutely.
Anyway. So he's at the moment.
Shall we dive into the stories? Yes, let's do it.
So this week's theme is kind of following along the mental load
episode, the chit chat about mental load.
So this theme is a similar one. It's processing some mental
load, but the the actual theme is gonna be basically when you
feel alone in something of your relationship, so feeling alone
in those things. And as I mentioned earlier,
we've got some exciting listener writings, which is the first
time ever. So please guys, I love it.
If you have a story you want us to worship on the podcast,
please message us. You can contact us via the
website at www.honey.what. Honey, we need to chat.
We need to chat.com or you can just email us at www.honey, we
need to chat not W. You only say WWW ever.
See if they just go to Google. It just email us at honeymoon
dot at gmail.com. Geez, Louise.
Even if they got Google, they just type in.
Honey, we need to chat. OK, whatever, Just message
Anyway, we're here. You'll find us.
OK, we need to have another moment.
Sorry guys. Honey, we need to chat.
We would love to, we would love to workshop any stories you feel
inclined to share with us because we love building this
community. So excited to talk through a
couple of these that have been written in from listeners.
Thank you for those. But firstly, we're going to
start with one story from our slash relationships on Reddit.
It is titled Irrationally Angry over Something my 29 female
partner, 35 male said bothers him.
My partner told me last night that the state of the house
lately is really bothering him. He said he can handle untidiness
but draws the line at dirty. The night prior he walked past
the bathroom and one of my kids had torn up a small amount of
toilet paper and evidently thrown it on the floor.
He got angry and made some passive aggressive remarks about
the bathroom, stomped around the house and then deep cleaned the
bathroom. This is the first time since he
moved in 2.5 years ago that he has cleaned it.
I have always done a majority of the housework for the first two
years I did 90% even when I was working and studying.
About 12 months ago he stepped up when prompted and now the
split is roughly 70% me and 30% him.
He will do the dishes close to half the time.
He'll sweep and mop, sometimes takes the bins out and maintains
the lawns. I cook 99% of the time and I do
99% of the laundry. I clean the bathrooms and do
everything else mentioned above when he doesn't feel like doing
it. I also carry 100% of the mental
load and do all grocery shopping etcetera.
His comment last night really hit a nerve.
The reasons it did, I think, is because one, although he has
stepped up, he gets to pick and choose when he helps.
If he doesn't feel like doing the dishes for a week, he
wouldn't. If I didn't do the dishes for a
week, he would make me feel guilty.
I've never actually done this. The dishes are done every single
night 2 The house isn't dirty, we've had three kids birthdays
in the last 1.5 months and it has become cluttered and
disorganised. But I never leave food out or
anything on hygienic. 3 When he lived alone, he bragged that he
only cleaned on Thursdays. He left everything, including
dirty dishes, sitting from Friday to Thursday.
But now he claims he has such high cleanliness standards for
he spends his days off doing whatever he wants.
While I'm expected to spend mine cleaning and five, I obviously
still hold resentment for doing all of it for the first two
years. I will admit the bathroom is
overdue for a deep clean. I had done it three weeks prior
and it was untidy, dusty, and there was some toothpaste in the
sink. I've done a few toilet cleans
and surface wipes in those three weeks and I do not think it was
unhygienic in any way. I transitioned to working full
time this year and also quit smoking.
This combination is made it hard for me to keep on top of things.
I clean every day, but with limited time and no longer
having the reward of a cigarette.
I'm not deep cleaning often as I used to.
All of the deep cleans I did fortnightly are now more like
every three to four weeks and I'm vacuuming about four times a
week instead of every day anyway.
I'm extremely angry and resentful over what he said and
I don't know how to move forward.
I feel personally attacked, like he was accusing me of being a
bad partner and a mum. He did say we need to do better,
but the reality is anything he does is considered helping.
While it's all considered my responsibility, how do I process
what he said and move past it? So is it?
It's not his kids, right? I'm assuming he's moved in.
It sounds like they're his stepchildren.
Yeah, yeah, because he's only been in the house for 2 1/2
years. Yeah, yeah.
And I've got three kids. Yeah.
This one gets me kind of frustrated.
Alright. So for for this, I obviously
think it needs to come back to the conversation.
So if you if I came at you, I know that this wouldn't be the
end of the conversation, right. If I came at you and said I'm
sick of this, you know you that would not end there.
You'd be like, no, this is not OK.
It's OK if you're frustrated over the mess, but it's not OK
that you're bringing you back to me.
Yeah, And one thing that we would talk about is, OK, well,
what does this look like for us to make the change?
So if he says us, that's good, but where's the action to back
that up? So you know, straight off the
bat it would be put a roster in place like if you need to, and
we've done that before that we hold on to.
Various. Things we haven't touched
against since it's it's we, you know, we struggle to keep on top
of the mess with the four kids and but when we do put a roster
in place, we kick butt, you know, we clean the place
together, we actually make it fun.
We put music on as a dance party, everything else.
But yeah, I don't know, I don't think either of us would just
take it. If that was the way that was
communicated to us, we would bring it back like alright,
that's fine. Do you struggle with that?
First of all, don't talk to me like that.
But two, what are we going to, what are we going to do about
that? Yeah.
I think the fact that he said we.
I would kind of call him on it. Yeah.
And or like turn it around not to be manipulative but be like
what would you like to do. Yeah.
With this Like ask him OK what what would be the standard that
you would like to step up to kind of thing He might have, he
might have not meant he might have done it in that like
backwards way of saying it really needs to be her.
But he said we. So I would I would hold him to
that. There's so many things that come
into this, and this is the perfect mental load example
because she is feeling like she can't express everything she
does. And he's got a moment of
frustration at the house, which even reading her story is like,
Oh my gosh, he cleans every three to four weeks.
Good job. She's doing very well.
If this is legit. And I definitely have times
where I've just been like, this house is so messy, but I just
can't genuinely think of an instance where I look at the
house being a mess and I think this house is so messy and my
anger is directed at you because it's not you, and especially
when you have kids, it's your children.
It is a really tough dynamic when it is a step parent because
I can imagine that there would be really difficult tensions
that go on. Where you would feel an element
of responsibility over your children individually, even
though that parent hopefully is, is very much embracing the role,
and I maybe some of these kids are his, who knows.
I think you would feel a sense of responsibility individually
about your children and then maybe even defensiveness.
So I think that definitely muddies the conversation and
could make it a little bit more complicated in terms of figuring
out where each person is coming from because it would be very
dynamic, very complex. And when you have entered into a
space with children, that hasn't been like when we had kids, we
had them together and so we both started at the same point and we
both kind of grown through that process.
So we've kind of slowly been introduced to the things that
need to happen as a family. When you enter into a family
that has children already, you're jumping into them at a
certain level. And so catching up mentally with
that is really complicated, I'm sure I can imagine.
So that is like one factor that I think could be adding tension
there. But I think it's a really
important conversation to have and it comes back down to that
mental load thing. He may not really see the
dynamics at play for you. He might not see what's
happening every day, those little things that you are
doing. So I think I would sit you down
and say I understand that you're stressed about the house.
I feel you like I don't like the house being in this state
either. I'm feeling a little bit
overwhelmed though because this is what I'm having to do.
This, this isn't This one thing I think is really important to
point out, which we've highlighted a lot through our
marriage is what she says at the end here where it's her
responsibility and he's helping and I think that is a really
important clarification point. Yeah.
It is not her responsibility and he's helping.
They need to do it. It's their responsibility.
And it's the same with parenting.
You're not babysitting your kids, you are just their dad.
So when you take them when I'm out, it's not because you're
doing me a favour, it's because you are their father.
And so I think that's an important thing to explore
together and making sure that you're both.
It could cause you couldn't really subconsciously take on
those things. Oh, absolutely.
And especially in that step family environment, you're not
gonna easily see him coming into that space again where we're
speculating here, but I could easily see him coming into that
space to be like, these are your kids, You need to clean up after
your kids. But honestly, mate, like if
you're going into a family, go into that family.
Like become part of our family. And I know that's going to be a
lot easier said than done, but especially in something like
this, you know, like it, it's, yeah, you need to connect, yeah.
Yeah, I think it's interesting because he would have entered
into a space as a helper, yeah. So he would have the times where
he started to clean the first instances.
It would have been categorised as him helping her.
Yeah. And that's and that's still,
that's still something really important to point out because
it's it's like that transition hasn't happened and that
transition, you know, I think sometimes we expect that
transition will just happen in in many different ways, right.
And we think transitions will just happen naturally.
But again, experience tells us they don't unless we can clearly
communicate what the problem is but also be a part of that
together. I work through it together.
It's not smooth. It's just like this jarring
thing. Then you have arguments because
you've got expectations, you've got assumptions, you've got all
these sorts of things that come into the mix.
And then it's just yeah, it's just messy.
Yeah, absolutely. I think conversation could
really help this. I think there are there are lots
of dynamics at play specifically for this situation.
But this this is a common issue regardless of your family
structure. A common common and the things
that you point, I'm glad that this person has stepped through
the things that she thinks is like impacting why she's so
frustrated by it cause that's really helpful.
That's really good conversation points.
Yeah. And as we've said before, if she
comes into the conversation and says you this, this isn't this.
It's actually gonna shut him down.
Yeah, he'll put his barriers. Up.
Yeah. If instead you can come to the
conversation, be like, hey, I just wanted to say I was really
wrestling with how you brought that up the other day.
I felt very much like you were upset at me.
I was wondering why it, like, threw me so much.
I think these are the reasons I I struggle with this.
These are things I've thought
about and have that be like you're entering into the
conversation with an attitude of curiosity, which I've said a
lot. No, I'm probably gonna keep
saying you're not coming to attack him, You're not coming to
correct him. You're coming to become closer
as a team. And so you're coming to the
conversation with curiosity about yourself, curiosity about
why you're feeling the way you're feeling, curiosity about
why he's reacting the way he's reacting and curiosity about how
you guys can be a better team going forward.
Catch phrase or funding. We need to chat, think about
five years from now, where do you want to be, where does it,
where team dynamic do you want to have.
If you're happy for this to continue to be a wedge that's
slowly gets more and more reinforced, alright, probably
not worth bringing up. You're happy with that if you're
not happy, if you want to be a a more cohesive team that's
working together, that owns the stuff together, especially if
you are in that kind of step, parent, step relationship like
forming a new family. This is really important because
you need to be directional. That's how you're going and
those conversations can be incredibly important.
And incredibly hard. That can be hard.
You know, again cause we've just had this conversation through
one of the chat jars. They're not easy conversations,
but they're so important to have and they're intentional.
You know, it was, it was a lot of that understanding where
you're coming from, where I'm coming from, it's exactly the
same here. And I think again, we didn't
solve it in that conversation. You know, I mean, this is
something that we're going to be going on like for a while now
and I think that's another big thing to to bring up.
You know, you just pointed out picture what your relationship
is and you want it to be like in five years.
I know for me sometimes I'm like, I don't wanna wait five
years, maybe like I wanna now. But things take awhile.
And if you're invested in in your relationship, investments
aren't always fast and this is one that is OK for them to go
for a while. You know, I don't know of any of
our situations we've had to work through that have been fast, but
I know for a fact everyone we have worked through and made our
relationship stronger. Well, you don't see results
quickly, no. Like long lasting results in
almost any area of life is not achieved quickly, no.
So. Enough said.
Yeah, enough said. But you're not alone.
That's yeah, pumpkin converse. Yeah, this is gonna be, yeah,
this is be triggering for a lot of people.
I think also it's important to say what you've kind of just
said on this podcast. It might look like conversations
are fun and easy and light and they should just go smoothly and
we should just be willing to hear the other person all the
time. That's not always the case for
us. I wish we could just make it
like super raw. You saw all of the difficult
stuff. It wouldn't necessarily be
helpful. I'd probably just be more like
reality TV. What about that?
No, we're not about that. But just to be really clear,
these things aren't neat and easy, You know, if they were
you, there would be no point of having a podcast like this
anyway. Moving right along.
Yeah, listen. So was that?
Did someone write that one in? No, that was that was our slash
relationships. Yeah, but now we're gonna move
on to a listener right in what Wow.
So anonymous listener write in. Thank you.
Let's dive right in, Stuart, me, 26 female and my partner, 30
male have been together for six years.
We'll use Pete as a pseudonym for my partner throughout our
relationship. Pete has been a wonderful
partner. We have not had any major
conflicts and have been able to work through anything together
and we are very united couple. The only issue within our
relationship that we haven't been able to work through has
been Pete's mother the entire time we have been together and
my experience has been that I've been bullied by her.
Pete shuts down during conflict and says that he doesn't want to
get involved whenever things are at their worst.
We lose contact with him for a few months and then things are
just back to normal and never resolved.
He doesn't want to lose his relationship with his parents,
which I understand, but I feel like I've been forever fighting
my own battle with his parents alone.
We have just recently had a baby together and we I have had more
criticism by them which left Pete angry, although he didn't
want to get involved in quotation marks.
I'm feeling very alone within this battle.
I want to feel like a priority to Pete, though.
When I bring up this, he feels as if I'm making him choose
between his family and myself. This is a really tough one.
That is a tough one. Well, can we give a name for the
person writing? Let's call her Laura.
Laura. It's not Laura, but let's just
call her Laura. OK, it's not unique to Laura,
this situation, I think. I think we've touched base on
something similar to this in one of our previous episodes with
the mother in law. And it wasn't about the bullying
stuff, but just about how, you know, the the partner whose mum
it is just wasn't really helping the situation.
And I think that's definitely something.
OK, so we we've had situations with both of our parents where
we've had to navigate through, right?
Yeah. And.
But it will have. Exactly.
And full respect for our parents.
There's been times where there's been times where you've had to
say something to your parents or you've had to have that
conversation. I've had to talk to my parents
and I had the conversation. But there's also times where
I've had to have the conversation with your parents,
vice versa, and we've had to do it together, right?
There's been the different. Levels.
Levels, yeah, I think definitely.
I think it's worth Pete talking to his mum about it again like
and this is the hard thing, man. When you bring you bring your
own parents involved with this and mum I know you listen and
and we're very on the same page of this.
We've had this conversation before but it's very hard
because there's so many more triggers and everything involved
in those conversations. When it's to do with your
parents and because there's so much familiarity.
It's so much easier to have a heated conversation with your
parents. Right.
Because you know them for for so much longer.
And I don't know it's just so much easier to get cranky
appearance than anyone else. I guess.
I think that he needs to have that conversation with his mum
in the softest way possible. This is the ideal situation and
this would be so hard but I believe that we would do this
too. Let's let's just pretend I'm
just talking to you right and and with our relationship.
OK. So remove the mum son size
stuff. How would I want to talk to you
about this sort of thing And I think it would be again, it's
creating that safe space. But again like if he comes
unheated like every conversation we've talked about her walls is
gonna go up and like the the conversations are going nowhere.
It won't go anywhere. But he needs to create that safe
space a picture of five years from now and do this with Pete
Laura like from five years from now.
What do you both want this relationship to look like with
his mum and picture that and then work back from there.
OK, cool. That's what we want.
And even voice that with her has awkward, as cheesy as that can
be exactly what I would be doing with you because that's a lot of
what we're talking about in this podcast.
Like, yeah, we talk about couples majority of the time,
but it it goes beyond just a couple of things that we're
talking about. I think this sounds like a
complicated one though, because it sounds to me like Pete has a
bit of a an attachment style issue going on with his parents,
which I resonate a lot with. So it sounds to me like he knows
that this happens, but he does not know how to communicate with
his parents about this. And so it it it doesn't seem
like just it doesn't seem like the same dynamic as if this was
us playing this out. I think what would be more
similar is if we flipped it and if you were feeling bullied by
my dad, for example, back, let's say, when we first got together.
Because obviously there's been a lot of work in between me
confronting my parents and navigating that dynamic was a
lot more complicated in some ways because of just attachment
was happening. And if there's any kind of
anxiety or any kind of, like, communication style that's
happened in the past, that's meant that you can't you don't,
you just don't know how to interact with them in a neutral
and healthy and constructive way.
And so it sounds to me from this is a short story, but it sounds
to me like he shuts down. Well, she says he shuts down
during conflict and he doesn't want to get involved.
That doesn't sound like someone who's just like, oh, I'm super
neutral. I couldn't care less.
It actually sounds like someone who's really wrestling with a
lot of stuff that's that's impacting how he talks to his
parents and how he engages with conflict.
And so I totally agree with you about sitting down together.
So Laura and Pete sitting down together and I think it's really
valid for you, Laura, to say to him, I actually can't just keep
going in this dynamic with your mom in this way.
Like that's not a journey that can keep going this way.
It's not healthy. It's not going to, it doesn't
end well. We've got a child now and it's
just ramped up. So I think it's a very valid
conversation to have. It might not be a fun one like
we said before, but really valid.
So I think sitting Pete down and saying, hey, I know you're he's
been recently angry about some of the criticism.
So he's seen it, He's aware of it.
He doesn't want to get involved, but he's aware of it.
So sitting him down and saying something like I know you've
seen it, I know you don't know how to get involved.
I know you don't want to get involved, but I need to tell you
this is extremely important to me and I can't keep going this
way. And so we do need to figure out
what we're going to do about it. And then doing that, where do we
want to be in five years time as your own core family unit?
Because really you do, as you become a unit, you do remove
from your parents. Yeah.
And you don't. Hopefully it doesn't have to be
no relationship with them, but it does change and it needs to
change. That transition is really tough
for people. For some, it's tougher than it
is for others. And so I think sitting down and
saying we've got a child now in five years time, where do we
want to be as our unit? Where do we want to be with your
mom? It's no longer.
And we've had this conversation with our parents as well.
It's no longer how we interact with them and who they are to
us. It's actually also we are
fostering who they're going to be to our kids.
And parents are just like us. They're just humans with things
that they've experienced and have made them into who they are
as well. And so they can work out of
those traumas. They can work out of those
experiences in a constructive or in an deconstructive way, in a
toxic way. And they can find themselves
stuck in ruts as well. But a lot of parents actually
would love to be really beautiful blessings to their
kids, really beautiful blessings to their grandkid.
And so I think it's really important for you as a family to
get very clear on in five years time, Where do we want to be
with this in five years time where we want our kids
relationship to be with her, with this grandma, How?
And if you sit down and you make that clear, it helps you figure
out what you what steps you need to take to get to that place.
If nothing is communicated, nothing will get better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like your answer better.
I think the other really important thing to highlight is
she, she calls a bullying. Yes.
And so there are absolutely times where it's just not
healthy to be around a certain person.
And so I think that's again, in that conversation you have with
Pete, it's really important for you to define what the, what the
interactions are. Obviously we don't know what
these interactions are, but define what it is that makes it
feel like bullying, what it is, how it impacts you and figure
out a way if there's boundaries you can put in place which may
and probably will be not taken, well, that's never fun to have
boundaries put in place, but they are really important.
And I really believe that boundaries in the long run
benefit everybody. Yeah.
So whether your mother in law is happy about the boundaries or
not is a different conversation, but it's really not the deciding
factor. But I do think in the long run,
if it helps make the relationship smoother, it's
really important. So in terms of what conversation
or what steps to take, I think it's really important to be
clear with what you've experienced and with Pete and
say this behaviour is unacceptable.
It's not just being with her that's unacceptable.
It's not just this random vague thing, it's this is what she's
been doing that's hurting me and that's unacceptable.
So we need to actually put a safe boundary in place in that
regard. So once you're, when you're
having this conversation, you're like, OK, where do we want to be
in five years time as our own insular little family?
Where do we want to be? And part of that is going to
include figuring out what you're OK with and what you're not.
And we've had to put boundaries in place in every area of life,
Like we've had to put boundaries in place because there are some
patterns that just are not healthy.
And it means that if not, if they go unaddressed, they're
just gonna lead us further and further apart.
And so this is a really important that if there's
something that she, whatever is going on for her, that makes her
bully you, which is a weird behaviour for an adult, there's
obviously something there. So either you know she's got
mental health stuff going on, either there's some kind of
dynamic tension, defensiveness, whatever is happening for her,
that's not a healthy behaviour and there doesn't need to be a
boundary around that. And it actually will help in the
long run, at least your insular family.
If not, yeah, to put that in place and and pay, I don't know.
If you listen to this podcast, I hope you do cause I hope you
guys can listen to this together is is gonna take a lot of
breathing from you pretty much you know just to to hear and to
receive what Laura is feeling is going to be really challenging
and it is you guys this could be a real tense conversation for
you. What I would love to encourage
you guys to do is just commit to the journey of of trying to work
this out. You probably you, I know you
won't work it out in one conversation.
And when things do start to get heated, just pause and say let's
come back to this, take deep breaths, go for a walk, do all
those things that can help you calm down.
Because if you're not already in a good spot with communication,
hopefully this is the start of such a strong strength for you
guys to develop a strength of communication.
So yeah, I would love to just encourage you guys to commit to
the the journey, commit to listening and hearing each other
and pausing when need to and just take that breath, move on,
come back with another point. They just commit that you will
come back at another point and keep going forward with and
really exciting. To to see that.
It sounds like you guys have a pretty united relationship.
Yeah, apart from this issue. So that's awesome.
That's a huge foundation. Yeah.
And how great. For you to model that for your
kid 100%, that's that's the. Biggest influence for us is what
we're modelling to our kids. And yeah, there's a lot of stuff
we bring from our own childhood, but that doesn't mean we have to
just carry that on. I think we can be really
intentional what we want to carry on and if there is some
kind of anxious relationship, attachments, type, style thing
going on, breaking that for the sake of your children is really
important. Yeah, absolutely.
Working on it, breaking it, being in touch.
LL Cool, good. Alright, thank you so much.
For writing in, that's awesome. That's the first write in hey
hey. Guys, just wanted to pop in and
take a SEC to talk about the extra content you can find over
on our Patreon and our Spotify subscription.
We have a fun little community growing over there with extra
episodes, extra stories. We're also gonna have resources
messages back and forth and also submitting listener stories
through that portal as well, so. Themes.
There's lots. To be gained If you want to be a
part of our closer knit community here, honey, we need
to chat. Please hop on over to Patreon or
Spotify Subscriptions and join us there.
We would love to see you guys. Thanks.
And on to another one. This is actually not a written
in story. This is actually a shared real.
Yeah. But listeners, very, very loyal
and faithful and helpful listeners sent us a real
following our episode about mental load.
Really interesting real. And I'm just going to quickly
describe it. I've actually seen hundreds of
them in the same exact vein. So it's not unique.
Glad you're going to explain it. Because I'm like, I'm gonna
explain this. Yeah, yeah, I will explain.
It basically it's a real and it's from the point of view of
the man and it's comedic, is lighthearted and he said.
I think it was like POV, you have a wife or something like
that and it's her. What's POV mean?
I'm a senior. Citizen, these days I'm not in
with the lingo. What did you just say?
Before that, you're so old with technology OHS, OHS trying to
take. A video of Bunny and I ended up
just taking two photos. The poster he just made about.
Bonnie, I heard him from the bathroom talking and I was like,
oh, he's making a video. And then I heard him do it
again. So I thought it was just
freaking ohhhhh. No, he had just taken two photos
instead. Anyway, POV means point of view.
Yeah, and it's used on social media as like a this is the the
point of view to come to the video with.
So think about that. Yeah, so funny.
Stuff from my POV POV. I have a wife part.
Is that kind of mean? Oh my gosh.
Well POV I've got a wife and it's from the POV of the husband
basically it starts with he's like watching TV or something
and then she's like hey and he looks over at her and she's
like, can you please take out the vents?
No worries, give me 5 minutes, turns back to the TV and then he
like turns back quickly to her and she's taking the rubbish
out. She's like that's fine I'll do
it. And then she said can you
vacuum? And he goes to plug in the
vacuum. And then he turns back.
By the time he's plugged in the vacuum, he's doing it like, it's
fine, I'll do it. And then she asked for a drink,
and he goes to get one out of the fridge.
And then he brings it back to her and she's already gotten
herself one. It's.
It's funny. Yeah.
But it's common. Yeah.
And it was sent in by listeners as like a what do you think of
this type thing? Is that right?
Yeah, I think it. Was a bit of a joke.
I've just been. Talking about, yeah.
Mental load. But it was interesting because
straight away we had a quick chat about it and there's so
much that sits into that reel. Yeah, so, so much.
And from a really brief look, it's a funny video.
It's like, Oh yeah, this is definitely a dynamic that has
played out with us. Sometimes not too much, but
there have been things and usually like, she had a bit of
an attitude while she was doing her stuff, so you could tell
she's like, it's fine, I'll do it.
Usually if I do something like this, I just actually can't be
bothered waiting, so I'll just do it.
It's not not normally an attitude thing, but I think
there would be so many reasons from a wife's perspective that
you might just give up waiting for them to do something, even
if it's only for 5 minutes. Yeah.
And the first one that comes to mind is how often are you having
to ask him to do this stuff? Yeah, yeah.
And why are you? Having to ask him to do this
stuff, it's asking in. The first place I think that
gets me. And again, like, I know this was
sent into a joke, so please don't get all up in arms that we
it. Was a funny meme.
But, but in the back of my head as well, because just seeing so
many writings, comments, all this sort of stuff that is
revolved around this, yeah, it I can't just have it as a joke
anymore because it's just so in our world now as topics.
And I think in the 1st place straight away I'm like, well
why? Yeah, why is she asking?
Like why would you even have to ask him to take out the rubbish?
There's a difference between. I'm doing something right now
and there's something helpful you could do.
So bins, let's use bins. And example, I might be, I might
be cleaning the kitchen and the bin is full and I know it needs
to go out. And if I say to you, hey, can
you take the bin out, that's because at that point and clean
the kitchen, it would be really helpful for the bin to be
cleaned as well. It's not something that you
should have known I needed you to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's something.
I'm saying. Neutrally.
OK Can you do that for me? Because I'm doing the kitchen,
Yeah. If you said yeah just give me 5
minutes, fine. If you said give me 5 minutes
and then you didn't do it, that's a bit annoying, having to
be your mom a little bit and be like, hey, can you take it?
I probably would have just done it, to be honest by the time it
got to me realising you hadn't. But there have been times where
the bin is overflowing and I have said can you do bins?
And then it hasn't been one that's more of like a I
shouldn't have had to have asked you to do bins.
And I need to be really clear. We are equals in cleaning.
Like, I'm not like the one that does all the cleaning and you
don't do it. This is not a normal thing.
Just to give Blair some. Yeah, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna.
Look bad and no, this is not. A normal thing, but but if I had
asked you to do it and you still didn't do it, and you should
have actually noticed that the bin was full and just done it
yourself because you're a part of the family, that's
exhausting. And again, with the mental load,
like the that's one tiny thing. Then you think about all the
other things that this person might have on their head that
they're then having to navigate. And so, yes, it might be kind of
funny, but it's actually not that funny when it's also the
bin, the bathroom, the toilet paper, the groceries, the kids
stuff. It's that's not very funny.
It's actually just really exhausting.
Yeah. I think the other thing as well
is looking at the patterns in the family.
So if you are sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling
on your phone and I've been cleaning for an hour and I ask
you to do something, I might be a little frustrated.
Yeah. Like, and not that that's
necessarily fair, because just because I choose to clean at
that point doesn't mean you need to.
Yeah, yeah. But if that's a regular rhythm
in the family where one person is doing all this stuff and
you're just watching TV because you want to after a while,
again, that's exhausting. Yeah, that's a really out of
balancing. Hmm.
So I think looking at the rhythm, the natural rhythms that
happen in your family and being like, is this something I
actually normally do while she's cleaning?
That's important. That's maybe why she's
frustrated here. Is a joke a lot too, Like, oh, I
just need to get the dishes done before I get in trouble, like
from a lovely guys. And this is funny, like a
genuinely laugh every time, but I'm like at the same time with
dishes. Man.
Why do you think? Because.
You guys are capable. Yeah, like you are such a
capable person. Yeah, I just, I honestly baffles
me a little bit. Cause for one thing, there's
roles within a family, and so you'll fall into natural roles.
Some will be kind of really traditional, some will be a bit
more like equal, whatever you want to call it.
But someone might be working full time, someone might be home
with the kids. So I can understand why tasks
would fall under that. What I can't understand is the
household care all falling to one person or the response like
this person before was saying it being that person's
responsibility and the other person as a helper.
I just don't understand that dynamic.
Yeah, No. And I think it's again, it's
ends the conversation too, right?
Because I don't think we ever really struggled with that.
I'm trying to think what you were living out.
Of home before we get together. I'll be out.
Of home since I was 16. So I've I'm used to looking
after myself and and whatever else I think there are blind
spots for. People and unfortunately they
can go unaddressed. Yeah, I don't think it's a bad
thing that there is a blind spot in the initial part.
I don't think it's a bad thing that one partner has to identify
a blind spot to their partner and say, hey, this is tough.
Can you help me with this? I don't think that's a bad
thing. That's going to happen from both
sides all the time. I think it is really
disappointing. One that has been identified and
it is either faced with criticism or complaint.
Whininess. Yeah, like from an adult.
Yeah, come on. Or it's just ignored, It's not
addressed, or you may feel like you.
Made to feel stupid? Yeah, yeah, something.
Now you're here. You going about that?
Yeah, it's a very strange. Thing, Yeah.
And I don't think that's fair. So I think addressing issues
that are an issue is a teamwork thing like we've spoken about
many times on the podcast. If you have a problem, you need
to be able to communicate that to your partner.
Yeah, that needs to be the first step.
It's your responsibility till that's communicated.
Once that's communicated, it needs to become the collective
responsibility and that partner needs to buy into that.
Yeah, yeah. Because if your team that's
working to be a unified couple, a unified family is not going to
be constructive to have those things, Lenny, on one person,
Yeah, I don't know why it is a. Lot of guys struggle with this
sort of stuff. I don't have the answer but if
someone was struggling with that, how would you approach it?
I would have a conversation about.
Mental load, I'd say. I know it doesn't look, I know
it's not in your face. It's not clear.
It's not obvious that I'm carrying a lot, but there is a
lot of things that I'm carrying and I'm really struggling.
So I need to talk about this. Yeah, I would use the tick tocks
and reels that we've made as excuses.
They found this podcast talking about this thing.
Look at this video. It's a new Concept 1.
And I would be like. This is something I've never
really thought about. I haven't had words for it, but
this is something that I struggle with, yeah.
And because I've got all these little pieces floating around, I
have to keep balancing. I need a little bit of help and
I think that what would. Be bad is if you then put like
push that on the guy, I think they would shut down.
From what I've observed, if something's dumped on a guy,
majority of the time the guy will shut down and and they'll
get overwhelmed. So a lot of things that guys
operate like responses that have insecurities, but I think we go
silent, we go inwards, we shut down and it's like we don't
care. I don't think that's true.
I think it's actually more down to insecurities and overwhelmed
Ness or whatever else because we haven't been brought up how to
deal with emotions, deal with stress.
Still we don't get taught, we get told to suck it up and push
through it. So when something gets brought
to us, it's I think we shut down.
I think that's that's just our natural response.
I don't think there's going to be a guy that's happy with
letting their partner just go around the house and doing
everything for them and being the mum of the house.
I don't think guys are, I don't know.
But if if that's you suck it up mate, you gotta do something
about it. But I don't think most guys
would be happy with that. They do struggle with that.
I, you know, we we spoke about, we've spoken a few times about
how when you're exhausted or you don't know how to do something
and you shut down like you've spoken.
You know you did the dishes today for the first time in in
three days, right. Cause I didn't help, you know,
just to be clear. So I was struggling too to keep
on top with all the mess. And you were saying how you're
so tired and you kind of just shut down and you just, you kind
of become incapable of doing things.
Like people do become incapable of doing things.
I think that's actually more common for guys because we don't
work through stuff. I see there's a lot with dads
with work we we shut down dad. Like a lot of dads disconnect.
They retreat, they'll move away, they'll leave.
You know what I mean? Because it's it's the fight or
flight response, because they just don't know how to
communicate, They don't know how to process than what they're
feeling. I don't think they're.
Bringing is on the side of the man in terms of teaching them.
I mean, I've talked about the collective upbringing, generally
speaking, in terms of teaching them how to naturally fall into
these places. But hearing you say that sounds
exhausting from a woman's perspective, Absolutely.
Hearing that and be like, OK, so now not only do I have, I'm not.
So now I'm feeling super clarity.
But yeah, not only do I have to do all this stuff, I also then
have to like pussy foot around my husband when I talk about it
so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed kind of thing.
I can imagine that being a reaction.
Like, yeah, OK, you get overwhelmed.
But I'm doing everything so, like, so now I have to take on
board. You're overwhelmed in in
navigating it as well. And I can imagine that that
would be exhausting. So I think it's 100%.
As we've talked about before, when you come to an issue, it's
really important to know who you're addressing.
It's really important to know what the goal of the
conversation is. Yeah.
So if your goal is to be constructive, your goal is to be
a team at the end, and you know that your husband or your
partner is not something that his natural at or their natural
at. I want to make it more general
and just men and women too, because I know this would always
fall into this category. You need to think about how you
want the conversation to go and address it in all It's gonna be
constructive. Yeah, it is exhausting.
Yeah, that is not easy. No, there you go.
Probably more. Speaking to the guys that listen
to this episode more than the women is helping us to
understand why do we shut down, You know, I mean, why do we
respond that way? And I think there's still a
responsibility for the couple to ask that question as well, 100
So it's not ask the question. Yeah.
So it's not so.
It was me. It was.
It's good for you to know that. That's how I respond.
By shutting down doesn't mean now you don't talk to me about
stuff. And he's gonna navigate the
conversation that we have and the way that we have it.
Yeah, right. Yeah, that's what.
That was. Probably more.
My point is if you just come to me and say you're not doing
enough around the house, you're doing this, you don't know you
doing this, you do not, I'm gonna shut down and that's not
OK. I'm not excusing that reaction,
but I'm saying that that is a reaction that a lot of guys will
have. So what I'm trying to encourage
is bring that into the conversation.
The way that might react feel like a lot of the things we talk
about. Can we hear about how, oh, my,
my, my husband would never talk like that, I could never have
this conversation with my partner and so forth.
I I genuinely think because guys don't know how to, you know?
And that's so important to bring into this conversation because
we're trying to build a community that is intentional
about working on communication. Guys, We really need to
understand and be reflective of ourselves.
Why do we respond our way? Why do we shut down?
Why do we not clean? You know, that's a question we
have to be asking themselves but don't let it overwhelm us.
Just be a game. What we said before, yes.
Yeah, just what we said before with Alora like commit to the
growth, you know, like just be curious.
Be aware, unpack that and and and ladies like I, I just want
to encourage you create that safe space for your partner to
explore that. I don't want to excuse any
behaviour, but just create the safe space.
Be intentional gang. I just see it so many times with
guys I'm working a lot with, with dads and there's just a big
thing that we just struggle with.
How do we do that? Have we worked through that?
How we grow? I think it's.
Really important in your relationship to be having
conversations about how each of you work.
Yeah. Why each of you work the ways
that you work. Learning about each other.
Having that attitude of curiosity so that when you do
come to issues like this, it's not a matter of not only are we
not navigating the problem, we're also now having to
navigate who you are and who you are.
Yeah, yeah. The trap that I hear in that is
if a man is like we shut down when we when we're faced with
these things and that seeks stent of it.
And I love what you've just said.
I love what you just said. It isn't like the onus is on
that man to understand themselves.
But if you've had to bring the same thing up three or four or
five times, coming at it really gently is obviously not being
effective. As in sometimes you do have to
be a bit more like, I need this from you.
I've thought this up. What's happening?
What's happening for you? But I would also say like.
The Yes, it would be tiring, but it's not like it's easily see
that as a response of like, you know, why would I bother
bringing this up with him? It's too tiring.
Yeah, yeah. And falling into bitterness.
Exactly. And that's that's the other.
Side of the Trump and I think what we we've been saying in
this episode especially is that it is hard.
It is a commitment and it is tiring.
You know especially early days I had to really learn how to talk
with you cause I'm blunt, right. Yeah.
And and I would hurt you It was so exhausting and tiring and to
feel like think of every word that came out of my mouth.
It was so hard then and still is now.
Like I mean we again we we were still working on the way that
our communicate and stuff but it's worth that it's a good
struggle. It's a.
Good struggle to have. So diving out the other clinging
to make and if I had been in that.
Situation when we were learning that stuff.
If I've just been like, yeah, well, I just get mad when you
talk to me like that. I get mad.
I shut down. Oh yeah, It's never an excuse.
No I'm I'm not saying that's what you.
Saying just example, like following that example through,
if I was like, yeah, that's how I am, I get, I get triggered
when you talk like that. And I never took time to be
like, why do I get so triggered? Yeah, instead of you just be
like, OK, I know she's triggered when I talk like this.
I know she's triggered when I talk this.
I'm gonna just like dodge those things or I'm not going to bring
up anything in that category. It's a conversation of like, us
bringing that out, me being curious about myself being like
why am I so triggered so that I can be like, I think I'm
triggered because I feel like when you say stuff like that,
you're criticising me or I feel like because of this experience,
this makes me think this kind of thing.
It needs to be a constant conversation, yeah.
It needs to be constant curiosity about yourself 1st and
about your partnership, the dynamics together 2nd, and then
how you can work through that as well.
Because you can fall into one partner is carrying the load of
figuring that out, but they're also of getting the buy in of
the other partner. So if you had been carrying that
load of figuring out how to communicate to me, but I hadn't
been exploring that for myself as well, yeah, you would not be
in, you'd be in a better place. You'd be in a place where you're
avoiding all the things that trigger me because you know they
trigger, but you've got no conversation.
The heart of all of this is both partners need to input into
their marriage, into their partnership.
They have to input. Like, you can't have one partner
being like, we should work on this, we should work on this for
the rest of your life. It's just not gonna work.
It's not gonna work because either you end up, you stay
together and you're just in really bitter, separate places,
or you don't stay together, things fall apart.
It doesn't work. It doesn't not work that way.
And so at the core of it, these conversations are important
because we're figuring out how we can be a team in this, and
that's why. That's like, seriously, my heart
behind this podcast, man. I I really want guys to step up.
Like I really, really do. I really want guys to be
invested, passionate about growing.
Yeah, as as men, but also as partners.
You know, like in investing in what it means to be in a
relationship. I was thinking about this
recently. There's a lot of stuff coming at
the moment about how bringing masculinity back, right, and see
it around. And then what it is, is pretty
much like, oh, I'm teaching my boys how to fix a car.
I'm teaching them how to fish and camp and all that sort of
stuff. I'm like, alright, cool, I'm
going to teach my kids that sort of stuff as well.
But for me, I'm like, alright, well partly you're missing is
OK. Cool.
Fix a car mega meal. Go fishing.
Love your wife. Like where's those lessons
coming in for? For masculinity.
Why is masculinity have to be the the rough and tumble stuff?
Why kind of be how to look after your household.
How do you look after your partner.
I want this from my boys and I know that I can't teach my boys
this without you. I need their mum to help me to
teach our boys how to treat their future partners and for
our daughter to not settle for anything less than what we can
model for her and teach her. Do.
You know, I mean, like, but I can't do that on my own.
We have to do that together. And I don't know what the study
is. It's around like 50% of
marriages end in divorce, right? And if we can't be intentional,
you know we're not perfect at this.
We are not perfect at communication.
We're wanting to get better because we see the value in it.
We don't want to be another one of those 50% that ended in
divorce. We don't want our boys grow up
and mistreat women. We don't want our daughter to
settle with whatever guy finds her interesting.
We wanted to find a man that's gonna look after her, care for
her and partner with her in the future.
And we want our boys to do the same.
So we need to be on the same page in our relationship to
model to our kids on what that looks like.
Yeah, and it's not. Because you should do this.
Because it's hard work and you should do hard work.
It's not. It's because it is beautiful.
The harmony of working together and being unified and being a
team, and it is beautiful, is it is so life giving.
Yeah. And it's worth it.
And I genuinely, when I see couples that fall into this
dynamic, it makes me heartbroken because they aren't experiencing
that beauty. And so for if it's the guy
that's just not connecting and just not stepping up in that
space, he's actually missing out.
He's actually missing out. If that is you, you're actually
missing out. And it's not that hard to start
moving this direction. It's actually small little steps
other time it's not a massive big task in one big go it's it's
a small like adjustment so that in five years time you are more
in that harmonious space. In 10 years time you are more in
that harmonious space and you can do it This thought about
the. Video, Right.
OK, so to round it up, because we've covered a bit the video,
but it was funny, right? Just to be clear.
But I think it just captures a lot of our heart behind what
we're trying to do here. Emphasise the teamwork,
emphasise the intentionality that came from a male
perspective. I like, I know there's a lot of
great guys out there and you doing an awesome job.
Yeah, but I know there's a lot of guys that are struggling with
this and what I wanna do is not shame.
You wanna encourage you. And again, I'm not perfect at
it. We're still growing.
That's why we're doing this, to grow, grow with us.
Come on this journey with us right in, mate.
Like, I want to encourage you as much as I can for the guys that
are writing in. I love it, you know, keep it
going, Wanna keep going on this journey with you.
Iron sharpens iron. Yeah, alright.
So last one and then we can have an extra 1 for Patreon and
Spotify subscription get on the Patreon.
And sub, sorry, last one. From R slash relationships wife
29 females struggling to stay with 29 male husband due to
hobby being top priority. Using a throwaway because my
husband will call him Randy. Yeah, I thought it was so funny.
So. Blair, Blair.
Calls himself Randy Ramble on Twitch and on TikTok.
I thought it was so funny because it sounded like I've
written in this story. But I'm not 29 so.
Can't be me You wish. I wish using a throwaway because
my husband will call him Randy is on Reddit quite a bit.
We have been married for going on four years.
We knew each other and dated briefly in high school, found
our way back to each other ten years later and ended up getting
married. Now Randy is an avid gamer.
I don't just mean enjoys the occasional video game.
I mean spends 10% of his life working, 10% of his life
sleeping and the other 80% is on the game.
I mean wakes up and the first thing he does is hit the power
button. The moment he comes home from
work he hits the power button every literally waking second.
He is stationed in front of that computer.
Video games just aren't my thing.
Never have been. I'm not good at them and it's
never really intrigued me. I knew about his love for games
when we met, and I guess part of me just assumed maybe he'd cut
down some of that time for me, but he hasn't.
He doesn't ask me to go out. He doesn't plan anything.
If he had his way, he would stay at home in front of that screen
every second of every day. I honestly think it's borderline
and addiction, but maybe I'm being dramatic.
Either way, we're approaching year four of marriage and
nothing has improved. We've had multiple
conversations, fights, etc. About the amount of time he
spends on the game and how little effort he puts into
spending time together or with me or just our marriage in
general. I spent a decent chunk of money
on a gaming PC because I wanted to make an attempt at gaming
with him or getting into it in the off chance I could save our
marriage, but I just can't. I work on a computer and
spending eight hours a day in front of 1 computer to get off
work and move to a different one just doesn't work for me.
I like to go out and experience things.
Movies, museums, dinners, theme parks, literally anything.
But getting him to go anywhere or do anything is like pulling
teeth. Especially because I know he
doesn't want to go or do those things and it just makes me feel
guilty for dragging him out when where I'd rather be.
In previous relationships I had to become comfortable with my
own company, and in many ways I am.
If I want to go out and do something, generally I'll just
do it. But I feel so lonely when I have
a whole husband at home. After four years and many talks
about the issue with no changes or improvements, just sorry and
I'll try and do better. Should I just admit that we
aren't compatible and move on? I've tried and tried to convince
myself I'm OK with being on my own, even in this marriage, but
I just don't think I really am. I love this man to the end of
the earth, but is it worth being by myself in practically every
aspect of my life? And then she has a little edit
that says I guess I did leave out some things just so just to
clear up, a lot of people have asked why I married him or how I
love him when we have nothing in common.
We actually have quite a bit in common other than the gaming
like similar movies, music, food, we both enjoy DMD.
We have a lot of similar ideologies and had similar
goals. During the time we dated and got
engaged, we didn't just shotgun wedding at random, We used to go
on vacations. We went on dates regularly.
If I was leaving the house to run errands or just going
shopping, he'd offered to tag along, We'd go and walk to the
lake, etcetera. He didn't make it appear that it
was a chore to be around me. Maybe I changed.
Maybe I did become a chore to be around, or maybe he really did
what he felt necessary to keep me.
And once he knew he had me, those things slowly became less
and less frequent. I didn't marry him with the
intent to change him. I wasn't upset that he enjoyed
gaming and I didn't have a problem with it because before
marriage it was more balanced. Cool.
Yeah, So I. Relate specifically with the
name. No, I didn't realise we we
relate to that. I've heard a few addictions in
my past and gaming has definitely been one of them.
And and by the sounds of it, yes, I would say this guy is
addicted to gaming. Yeah, I would say and I would
actually say I don't know what people think of this.
I believe gaming it can be an addiction.
So what I would say is like call obviously needs a chat needs a
conversation but also understanding that I I know guys
that whose partners have left them for over gaming because
because of their gaming. So it's for him.
Like, dude, seriously, you need to think about like well you
value more the the game or or your wife, but at the same time
like man need to put in brakes, you know.
And I think having that conversation like so for those
whose partner is, is really begin to gaming is not having
that time with them have the conversation what we've done
before. I like come up with boundaries.
You mentioned this earlier. Boundaries are really, really
important. Yeah.
And I have to revisit those boundaries from time to time.
So I still play video games. We play sometimes together and
when we first got married that was what we did.
We didn't really play, watch TV. We just played Call of Duty and
I won every time, you know, So it has its place.
I find it relaxing. I'm a very social person and I
can socialise over gaming, but you know I can get too much for
me. I can get very invested in it, I
can get very hooked, whatever else.
Not saying that gaming is bad most of the time, but for me it
can be. So I'm gonna put those
boundaries in place. It's been issues for us in the
past and you've been able to say to me, hey I think it's becoming
an issue call, we'll go back to the boundaries that we've set in
place. Yeah.
If it continues to become an issue for us, like if it's
something that is like it's just not getting better, then times
I've just deleted all games. Like there's a big period of
time where I don't do it, you know, it's not worth it.
And so we don't do it. And I think that would be the
conversation to have like have a break for six months.
If they cannot do that, if they cannot have a break from a
computer game for six months or something wrong.
And there probably would be. Supports for people in that too.
Absolutely. Yeah, I know.
They've got. Alcoholics Anonymous.
They might have something like gamers, actually.
You don't need to do Gamers Anonymous.
It's like go see a councillor. It's and it's not.
You don't have to find a specific thing for a gaming
person. It's it's what's going on for
them. You know, I mean, for a lot of
addictions that comes from escapism, but we're trying to
get out of something. We're trying to run away from
something and something we have to deal with, right?
So it's not necessarily the addiction to the game, it's the
escape from reality. So I would say, you know, and
again, if you're in Australia and you know someone that's
struggling with this sort of stuff, ask if they'd be
interested in going to see their GP, going to mental health plan.
You know, if they're not in, if they're, if that makes them a
bit nervous, offer to go with them.
You know, and just to say, hey, let's let us, when you can bring
in that camaraderie to the conversation, it removes a lot
of the shame because there's so much shame to addiction.
There's so much shame to these sorts of things.
You know, you know, I, I lied to you many times of my struggles,
right? And it's not that I obviously
want to lie. I am so ashamed of myself that
that's more the driving to the lies.
Like I'm just so ashamed and I'm no, not excusing this, by the
way, hearing on that, like there is no excuse for lying.
But I'm so ashamed with what I've done and and it actually
makes me go into a more of a spiral because then I want to
escape the shame and I go down and down and down and I'm just
in this hole and I can't get out and I had to get professional
help and I still struggle from time to time.
We have those boundaries in place.
We do things about it and we've got, you know, we're we're a lot
more open about those struggles now and we can do things about
it. But yeah, so there's a things
that you can do. I'm not sure what you can do in
America. Yeah.
I don't know what's there, but I'm sure they'll be stuff.
Yeah, I. Think the first thing I would do
in this situation is, again, have a conversation with
Curiosity and just be like, what's happening for you.
Like identify This is a lot of gameplay.
Yeah, like, just to be really clear, this is what's happening,
what's happening for you? Like, is it just that you enjoy
it? Just kind of explore what's
happening behind the scenes? Because as we've mentioned, a
lot of this stuff, when it does fall into the addiction
category, it's not just the thing, it's actually an
escapism, like you said, from a number of stuff going, number of
things that could be happening. This screams mental health
issues to me, screams mental health issues to me.
So like if this was us, I would be trying to explore what's
going on with your mental health because it is not normal to
spend that much time on something, especially when you
are in a relationship where there is like an external draw.
Outside of that, it's not normal to spend that much time,
especially if you're cutting yourself off from out outside
stuff. Like there's a lot of mental
health things that could be impacting that.
As we said with the dishes like I don't, I just like getting a
slump and I I can't get on top of it until I can get out of it.
And so I feel like this could be the same kind of thing.
Like whatever it is that's going on for this guy, he's in a slump
and this is just his like, escapism from that.
This numbs his brain. This fills his brain with what
it is. Oxytocin.
Oxytocin it, Like I said, our dopamine.
Dopamine. Sorry, it gives him that.
Rusty Tyson is the healthy thing.
Yeah, so gives him a. Rush.
It gives him an escapism. It gives him a sense of maybe
community, maybe purpose. Maybe there's something that's
drawing him there that that makes him feel valued.
Yeah, all of the above. There's 100%.
I can confidently say something sitting behind this.
I don't think anybody that's in a healthy space falls into this,
and I think it is really valid to have a conversation with him,
especially if you're at this place where you're thinking this
is like make a break at the stage you've communicated with
him about it before. I think it's really important to
dig, dig, dig with him curiously, gently into what is
sitting behind this. And I also think it's really
important and what I would be doing in this situation to make
it very clear where you're at and what this is doing.
Like how this is impacting you and what this is making you feel
like. If you're thinking I'm actually
close to being like I need to call this, that's important for
him to know. He Sometimes people do need to
know what they're about to lose in order to be like, I need to
snap out of this. He might need to know that
that's where you're at, that that's how you're feeling.
Reassuring him that you love him.
And you say in your post that you you have so many things that
you enjoy doing with him. You love him so much.
You love him to the ends of the earth, but you're so alone, like
you feel so, so alone, so reassuring him that you want to
be with him. You love him.
You enjoy that time with him, but you're at the point where
you can't keep going. Like this is really important so
that he knows the severity of it and like you have said, working
as a team in that. So it's not just all right now,
you need to go fix this. Yeah, I want you to fix this or
I'm gone. It's how can we work on this
together I. Think that's a really important.
Key. So a big thing is like.
Again go to drastic mile right. If he's like ohhhhh, I'll stop
doing it. It's that you got a a drug
addict, right? You're not gonna keep any drugs
in the house, right. You know you just to be clear on
that you're not gonna yeah. You leave drugs around the house
with them to get to. They're an addict.
They're struggling with this. They they won't stop.
Right. You have to remove it all.
It's the same with the with the gaming consoles, right?
Yeah, I know people that have had to literally get rid of it,
get rid of those temptations and I think as well.
Like, just getting rid of the games isn't going to make it
better all of a sudden. It's definitely a good step, but
it's not going to make it better because what we've found in the
past is we'll move from 1 escapism to another.
And so, unless you are addressing what is happening,
unless you're actually intentionally digging deeper
than just the surface level outworking of it, you'll
probably just find the same anxieties get transferred into a
different thing. Yeah, you latch on a different
way, and it might not be gaming, but it might be alcohol.
Well, COVID again, we went. Through our three things, right?
We went from eating a lot. Yeah, we ate a lot.
Then we drank a lot. Then we bought a lot, yeah.
Then we ate a lot and we would stop by and we like, I'm gonna
stop doing that and just go straight to the other one.
We just went on those 3 rotations and that's been.
Genuinely difficult to break. Genuinely difficult to break.
But we needed to figure out why we were doing that in order for
us to even identify what was happening.
Because it wasn't just like, oh, we should stop spending money.
Yeah, it was like if we'd done that, we would have just gone
into alcohol and we'd had unknowingly, but being able to
identify that was a key for us to working through it.
Yeah, I think there's so much that can be done.
It's it must be really difficult.
It would be really crappy, but it doesn't mean that this is
this is dead in the water. It's not going to go anywhere.
It's actually if if you can both get on board with working
together on it, you can be a really beautiful again, it's not
to put it. All on her, not.
He has to buy in, yeah. And and just an encouragement
for her to recognise that he's probably not just in a logical
clear space. So yeah, if she's a approaching
it, just come at it from a a gentle, curious mindset.
Yeah, well, that's that. That's good.
Was it a patron? Episode to do.
Now we do. Always like asleep.
Asleep. Maybe this?
Altro will wake. You up?
Do dance. Alright, I did a theme and I
don't remember the name of the style of the theme.
And there we have it folks. Another episode of Honey, we
need to Chat concludes leaving the world forever changed
because clearly our words carry the weight of global
transformation. Return next week as we solve all
relationships. No, we're gonna solve all
relational condone conundrums, conundrums with the sheer power
of our microphones. We're gonna do it.
Wow. Chat GP.
Hey. Until then, keep your
conversations as exaggerated and Thea, Thea theatrical.
I have this outro. Remember, you're not discussing
it on a podcast. If you're not discussing it on
the podcast, is it even worth talking about?
Stay chatty, my friends. I bet the theme was.
Exaggerated. And theatre.
Yeah, it's an S word Satirical, no?
I don't remember. Sarcastic.
No. Alright, it's up there.
I'll look and see. Alright, well, that's all guys.
Bye. Good Chad.
Thanks guys.