1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,780
I like, I remembered a lot of 
great guys out there and you're 

2
00:00:02,790 --> 00:00:05,670
doing an awesome job. 
Yeah, But I know there's a lot 

3
00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:07,510
of guys that are struggling with
this. 

4
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,280
And what I wanna do is not 
shame. 

5
00:00:09,290 --> 00:00:12,190
You wanna encourage you. 
And again, I'm not perfect at 

6
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,610
it. 
We're still growing. 

7
00:00:13,620 --> 00:00:15,530
That's why we're doing this. 
To grow. 

8
00:00:15,740 --> 00:00:17,920
Grow with us. 
Come on this journey with us. 

9
00:00:18,940 --> 00:00:22,490
Welcome to Honey. 
We need to chat. 

10
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,260
This is a podcast all about 
communication. 

11
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,530
That's our motto. 
To communicate, communicate. 

12
00:00:27,540 --> 00:00:30,500
Excuse me, girl Bunny. 
Excuse me, buddy. 

13
00:00:30,580 --> 00:00:36,240
Jesus once pony. 
Alright, we're just wrestling 

14
00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:39,030
with all golden retriever at the
moment. 

15
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,690
Is trying to push Amy off her 
seat. 

16
00:00:41,770 --> 00:00:44,160
What is happening? 
There's no space for you up. 

17
00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:46,150
Here, funny. 
Come on, there's no space. 

18
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,830
Funny. 
Alright, well welcome. 

19
00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:52,080
Welcome to. 
Ohhhhh. 

20
00:00:52,090 --> 00:00:57,180
Yeah, of course. 
Now that's amazing. 

21
00:00:57,250 --> 00:01:00,220
OK, we're all about 
communication here. 

22
00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:03,810
We believe that when 
communication dies, bad things 

23
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:06,700
happen. 
So anyway, welcome. 

24
00:01:06,710 --> 00:01:08,430
We are really excited to be 
here. 

25
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,440
We haven't recorded for a little
while. 

26
00:01:10,450 --> 00:01:11,900
I feel like it's been a while. 
Two weeks. 

27
00:01:12,370 --> 00:01:14,900
Two weeks yet because I've been 
doing my production of Sound of 

28
00:01:14,910 --> 00:01:17,540
Music, which in which I was just
enough and don't get excited, 

29
00:01:17,550 --> 00:01:20,550
but it was very fun. 
Be none. 

30
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:24,280
One of the 20. 
The the none that wasn't the 

31
00:01:24,290 --> 00:01:27,230
main none, that's who. 
You were one of the non main 

32
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:28,690
nuns. 
Yeah, I'm still doing it. 

33
00:01:28,700 --> 00:01:32,460
I'll be back tomorrow and the 
next three days, which is the 

34
00:01:32,470 --> 00:01:35,670
last few days of the run, but 
very exciting. 

35
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,750
It just has meant that we've 
been extremely busy family wise,

36
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,810
so haven't recorded. 
Yeah, we do have our New Zealand

37
00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:44,750
trip coming out, which we're 
really, really excited about. 

38
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:48,250
So if you're not already, go 
follow us on Instagram to 

39
00:01:48,260 --> 00:01:51,350
socials and follow along that 
many with us. 

40
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,450
I'll be really, really cool. 
I'm actually really looking for 

41
00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:54,130
that. 
Yeah, we. 

42
00:01:54,140 --> 00:01:55,490
Awesome. 
Exciting. 

43
00:01:55,580 --> 00:01:58,770
And not to date this episode too
much, but we've had a really 

44
00:01:58,780 --> 00:02:03,730
exciting week with the podcast 
ohe Yeah, because our listener 

45
00:02:03,780 --> 00:02:07,330
group has expanded drastically. 
Massively so. 

46
00:02:07,340 --> 00:02:11,070
Well, Blair being sickly sweet, 
I don't tick tock. 

47
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:12,300
We addressed. 
It no. 

48
00:02:12,310 --> 00:02:13,490
We, yeah. 
Sorry. 

49
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:17,990
Just four contacts for those who
didn't see the if you weren't a 

50
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,720
part of the 2 million views. 
So far, but I don't know when 

51
00:02:21,730 --> 00:02:22,750
this comes up. 
Yeah, yeah. 

52
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,070
How many? 
I thought the moment in the 

53
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,680
episode that came out where Amy 
was making the point of what 

54
00:02:30,770 --> 00:02:34,410
generalised beauty is in that 
moment, just in the way that she

55
00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:37,440
was saying it, you made the 
comment of you don't even think 

56
00:02:37,450 --> 00:02:40,400
that I see you as the most 
beautiful person in the world. 

57
00:02:40,450 --> 00:02:43,560
I know that's not what you were 
saying, but I could not. 

58
00:02:43,570 --> 00:02:47,620
I couldn't just let you say it, 
but it just was really grinding 

59
00:02:47,670 --> 00:02:50,070
inside of me. 
Yeah, just just hearing you say 

60
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,940
that. 
And so I just communicated. 

61
00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:54,210
Well, actually, no. 
Amy is the most beautiful woman 

62
00:02:54,220 --> 00:02:56,850
in the world to me. 
And I explained why her being 

63
00:02:56,860 --> 00:02:58,430
the mother of my children, my 
best friend. 

64
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,190
I really do think you're 
beautiful. 

65
00:03:00,350 --> 00:03:03,890
Anyway, that blew up and I got a
lot of praise over that. 

66
00:03:03,980 --> 00:03:07,290
We came out with a follow up 
video, essentially just saying, 

67
00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:11,730
man, what I did in that video is
actually the bare minimum of 

68
00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:14,190
what I should be doing to 
express my love for you. 

69
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,570
And even then, like I said, nice
words and this. 

70
00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:20,650
This was one big point of the 
video, though, was that unless 

71
00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:24,410
you feel those words, they just 
words, you know. 

72
00:03:24,420 --> 00:03:26,130
And so that's. 
One, unless you feel and also 

73
00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:26,870
act them. 
Out. 

74
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,910
Exactly right And but it was 
just really, really sad. 

75
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:33,110
We had a lot of comments come 
through about how people hadn't 

76
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,490
felt that from their partners 
and everything else. 

77
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:38,190
And it's really, really sad and 
so put out a bit of a challenge 

78
00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:42,530
for guys And just to just to be 
clear that I haven't always 

79
00:03:42,540 --> 00:03:45,890
treated Amy like this. 
Words of affirmation did not 

80
00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:48,720
come naturally to me as 
something that we have grown in 

81
00:03:48,730 --> 00:03:50,720
together. 
The more that I've I've known 

82
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:54,980
you, the more that we've been 
intentional about growing in in 

83
00:03:54,990 --> 00:03:57,800
me understanding who you are. 
So it's through the growth of 

84
00:03:57,810 --> 00:04:00,170
our relationship. 
Have I been able to speak to you

85
00:04:00,180 --> 00:04:02,280
that way. 
It's not a natural thing. 

86
00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:04,260
Yeah, just we wanted to make 
that really, really clear cause 

87
00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:06,620
we're getting some comments 
about oh, where do I find a man 

88
00:04:06,630 --> 00:04:08,620
like that? 
Well, you didn't find me like 

89
00:04:08,630 --> 00:04:10,240
that. 
We've worked on that together. 

90
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,300
I mean, you are and always were,
even before I met you. 

91
00:04:13,370 --> 00:04:17,019
Just very ready to learn and 
very ready to be a good husband 

92
00:04:17,029 --> 00:04:19,019
and a good dad. 
Doesn't mean you knew everything

93
00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:20,339
and neither did I. 
No. 

94
00:04:20,430 --> 00:04:23,490
And I think that's the key is 
you work as a team and that team

95
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,880
has to be a safe and healthy 
place, should be fostered. 

96
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:28,330
But you were always a very 
switched on man. 

97
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,310
But I think you are someone 
who's willing to be intentional 

98
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,280
though. 
I think that's the key factor in

99
00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:36,150
that, yeah, but we all are 
capable of being intentional. 

100
00:04:36,220 --> 00:04:38,790
Absolutely single person is 
capable of being intentional. 

101
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,870
So it's interesting though one 
comment that really stood out to

102
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,040
me. 
I don't know if we've ever 

103
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,810
spoken. 
On the screenshot last night, 

104
00:04:46,530 --> 00:04:47,700
what was it? 
He said. 

105
00:04:47,710 --> 00:04:53,560
She's a yapper, She's a yapper. 
She's lucky to have him we've. 

106
00:04:53,570 --> 00:04:56,600
Had some like out of the two 
million that we've seen so far, 

107
00:04:56,610 --> 00:04:59,140
there's been like 10 that have 
been silly. 

108
00:04:59,210 --> 00:05:00,960
Yeah. 
And we've you've deleted a few. 

109
00:05:00,970 --> 00:05:02,520
Of them. 
Some of them have been just 

110
00:05:02,530 --> 00:05:03,890
nasty. 
I'm like, I don't need you on 

111
00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:05,870
here. 
No, no, yeah, but no, that's not

112
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:06,800
the comment. 
I was going to talk. 

113
00:05:06,810 --> 00:05:09,700
What I was going to talk about 
was a guy had had commented and 

114
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:12,780
said the man set the bar up on 
the moon and I was like he set 

115
00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:15,100
the bar on the moon. 
Excuse me. 

116
00:05:15,110 --> 00:05:18,480
Yeah, this is like again. 
He hasn't lifted the bar. 

117
00:05:18,490 --> 00:05:21,560
Yeah, this bar is like this bar 
is where it should be. 

118
00:05:21,570 --> 00:05:23,700
Yeah. 
And someone saying he's set the 

119
00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:25,320
bar to the moon. 
I'm sorry, is it really that 

120
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,400
unreasonable? 
Yeah, To think about saying 

121
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,790
something like that to your 
partner. 

122
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,120
I think that is just mind 
boggling. 

123
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,410
Yeah. 
So it's been very educational 

124
00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:33,920
this week. 
Hmm. 

125
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,480
But also super encouraging in 
terms of the podcast and the 

126
00:05:36,490 --> 00:05:38,180
engagement. 
So thank you for being here, and

127
00:05:38,190 --> 00:05:41,510
thank you for liking and 
following and all of the above. 

128
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,610
It's been amazing. 
Well, this is a Reddit week 

129
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,390
Reddit story week, But 
excitingly we actually have a 

130
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,250
couple of listener write Inns. 
What and we have. 

131
00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:53,590
To actually just read it. 
We have to do like opening 

132
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,550
questions and stuff. 
Yeah, I'm just saying, oh, yeah,

133
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,900
course given, given, say, girl, 
yeah. 

134
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:01,610
But before we do that, we'll do 
some opening questions and 

135
00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:04,130
stuff. 
Well, it's you're also from 

136
00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:06,450
Patreons. 
Ohhhhh, yeah, yeah, we got a 

137
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:10,110
couple from Patreon. 
So Patreon guys, thank you so, 

138
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,410
so much for support. 
We've just activated Patreon. 

139
00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:15,670
We got our first few Patriot 
honours. 

140
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,890
We're gonna come up with a funny
name. 

141
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:19,550
With better name. 
And if you have suggestions, let

142
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,870
us, because it's not just 
Patreon, we've also got Spotify 

143
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,650
subscription, so just let us 
know. 

144
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,150
It's a bit complicated. 
Yeah, I don't wanna call him the

145
00:06:27,740 --> 00:06:29,530
honey. 
The patries, the. 

146
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,570
Our honeys, monies, colonies, 
not the pet. 

147
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,540
We got many names. 
I've got. 

148
00:06:34,550 --> 00:06:37,110
I've got so many names. 
Becoming Collamer Chatterboxes. 

149
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:38,670
Chatterbox. 
Chatterboxes. 

150
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:42,110
Anyway, so we do have some 
sorry, my opening question is, 

151
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,250
if you had all the money in the 
world, you didn't have to worry 

152
00:06:44,260 --> 00:06:48,840
about anything. 
Would you decide to live in on a

153
00:06:48,850 --> 00:06:51,390
beach like in in a different 
country like Greece? 

154
00:06:51,430 --> 00:06:55,870
Like would you like to raise a 
family right in the mountains or

155
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,430
in the city? 
In the mountains? 

156
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:58,970
If I had all the money in the 
world. 

157
00:06:59,020 --> 00:06:59,720
Really. 
Yeah. 

158
00:06:59,730 --> 00:07:02,100
Easy. 
What do you mean 100% thought 

159
00:07:02,110 --> 00:07:04,810
you were said in New York? 
Not to raise a family. 

160
00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:06,270
Heck no. 
Heck no. 

161
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:07,830
To the techno. 
Yeah, no. 

162
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:08,470
Yeah. 
Mountains. 

163
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,350
Easy. 
That's some secluded little. 

164
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,750
Like off the grid you. 
I've spoken about this for 

165
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,260
years. 
Well, now, now you've thrown me 

166
00:07:14,270 --> 00:07:15,930
because I legit thought you 
would have said New York. 

167
00:07:15,940 --> 00:07:19,320
No, it's a city. 
Do you know me? 

168
00:07:20,220 --> 00:07:21,910
I do love New York. 
It's my favourite city. 

169
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,750
But that's not. 
Well, cause you, but you would 

170
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,270
always talk about how you wish 
you lived in New York. 

171
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,270
I know you said stuff about the 
mountains, but you haven't. 

172
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,730
I don't feel like you've 
expressed your views of the 

173
00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:34,710
mountains the way that you've 
expressed your views of the. 

174
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,410
City. 
I think family. 

175
00:07:36,420 --> 00:07:38,420
Raising a family is a totally 
different thing. 

176
00:07:38,430 --> 00:07:41,420
If I was a single woman or even 
in a couple, then maybe living 

177
00:07:41,430 --> 00:07:43,290
in New York would be really cool
for a while. 

178
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,680
But even then, I wouldn't want 
to live there for my whole life.

179
00:07:47,460 --> 00:07:51,150
There you go, learn something 
new everyday you. 

180
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,630
Me mountains, absolutely. 
I just love the mountains in 

181
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,370
general. 
I mean the beach would be nice 

182
00:07:56,380 --> 00:08:02,220
but it would just be is so 
touristy or sorry like holiday. 

183
00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:04,780
I feel like the mountains you 
can like. 

184
00:08:04,870 --> 00:08:09,400
I do love the beach. 
I do love the beach, but I think

185
00:08:09,410 --> 00:08:12,240
I just enjoy the mountains more.
I think because in my head when 

186
00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:16,040
I think of mountains, I think of
like the videos you see on 

187
00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:20,580
Instagram and TikTok and stuff 
about the like the house, the 

188
00:08:20,590 --> 00:08:23,760
tree houses, like the actual 
legit treehouses and it's it's 

189
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:27,540
raining and it's like waterfall 
coming down next to it that give

190
00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:29,670
me that. 
For me, it's really just about 

191
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,870
where I would be the most hidden
from zombies. 

192
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,650
Yeah, sorry. 
That's right. 

193
00:08:34,740 --> 00:08:36,510
And that's only partially a 
joke. 

194
00:08:38,159 --> 00:08:39,549
And you. 
Oh, wait, no, you're ready. 

195
00:08:40,260 --> 00:08:42,450
Yeah. 
Away from zombies too, yeah. 

196
00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:44,350
Yeah, yeah. 
Actually, just in case it does 

197
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,950
happen, guys, no, I'm not going 
to tell you our plan. 

198
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,350
They become the zombie. 
They're gonna know where we. 

199
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,470
Are and I'm not joking when I 
say we have planned it. 

200
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,550
Yeah, so legit when we used to 
watch Walking Dead a lot. 

201
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:59,050
And we every time we go for a 
drive like Ohe, yeah, we'll go 

202
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:01,730
here, here, here. 
And we plan out the whole, the 

203
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:02,690
whole thing. 
The whole. 

204
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,340
Shebang. 
But if you have a plan you want 

205
00:09:04,350 --> 00:09:08,190
to share with us, isn't it might
be as good as us, yeah. 

206
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:12,740
What's the next question? 
Simple one pineapple on pizza? 

207
00:09:12,810 --> 00:09:16,040
Yay or nay? 
Nay, nay, what about you? 

208
00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:17,930
I am. 
I'm a fence. 

209
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:19,420
Really. 
I am on the fence. 

210
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:23,450
I mostly nay but hold the 
double. 

211
00:09:25,460 --> 00:09:27,440
I could double with some 
pineapple and ham. 

212
00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:30,990
That sound could go so many 
ways. 

213
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,170
Yeah, if I turn it into a tick 
tock, I like pineapple. 

214
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,290
Yeah, I love pineapple. 
I don't wanna unsavoury stuff. 

215
00:09:38,300 --> 00:09:40,710
I don't get that. 
Sweet. 

216
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,670
I don't like it on burgers and 
it's no no, Go on burgers. 

217
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,410
And again, most of the time it's
a no. 

218
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:48,870
But I will say that sometimes a 
little nibble is nice. 

219
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:52,550
Again. 
OK, I'll try to think like in 

220
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,440
many ways I could say this. 
Yeah, yeah. 

221
00:09:56,450 --> 00:09:59,200
No. 
So no, I'm going to say no with 

222
00:09:59,210 --> 00:10:00,840
like 1/2. 
Yes, from Blair. 

223
00:10:00,890 --> 00:10:04,020
The first question was by our 
Patreon gas. 

224
00:10:04,030 --> 00:10:07,250
Thank you so much, mate, for 
your support and the pizza one. 

225
00:10:07,530 --> 00:10:09,200
Shane. 
Thank you so much, Shane. 

226
00:10:09,250 --> 00:10:12,760
Really appreciate you, mate. 
And I'm just going to do another

227
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:16,380
cha cha, cha, cha cha. 
In what ways do you want us to 

228
00:10:16,390 --> 00:10:20,760
grow in our communication? 
It's an area of strength for us.

229
00:10:21,190 --> 00:10:26,530
No, I think probably I want to 
grow in being more upfront with 

230
00:10:26,540 --> 00:10:30,530
how I'm feeling with things. 
The issue is I'm not always sure

231
00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:33,430
how I feel until I've like 
worked it out a bit. 

232
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,430
So it's a bit hard to do that. 
And the other issue is being 

233
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:42,330
upfront can come across blunt or
inflammatory, which I have 

234
00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:45,870
observed in my lifetime a lot. 
And so that's why I tend not to 

235
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,550
do that. 
But I do wish I was a little bit

236
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:51,550
better at saying I think I'm 
getting better, but just saying 

237
00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:53,050
what I really. 
Think I think you're getting a 

238
00:10:53,060 --> 00:10:55,130
lot better at saying yeah, for 
sure. 

239
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:57,070
I get a lot better. 
Tell him what I need. 

240
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,030
Tell me what's what? 
About you. 

241
00:11:00,380 --> 00:11:04,830
For me, I think the way that I 
would like us to communicate 

242
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,510
better. 
I was not ready for this 

243
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,150
question cause I got it out of 
the jar. 

244
00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:11,370
I think this is a hard one for 
me to answer because we are 

245
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:15,120
working on stuff, so it's not 
like, oh man, it's not like that

246
00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,750
we don't have anything to work 
on. 

247
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,740
But we're we are working on, 
we're already actively working 

248
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:22,950
on it, so it's hard to pinpoint 
something. 

249
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:27,000
This might sound funny, but I 
genuinely mean this. 

250
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:32,010
I want to get better at be able 
to communicate nicely in the 

251
00:11:32,020 --> 00:11:35,450
mornings. 
Yeah, like at the kids, at 

252
00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:37,230
everyone. 
Like in the more I'm not a 

253
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,310
morning person at all and I'm 
very cranky. 

254
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,190
And so when there's yelling and 
there's things aren't going 

255
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,910
forward or if they've, you know,
they can't find their shoes, 

256
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,530
like this morning, I get very, 
very cranky. 

257
00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:52,490
So what? 
So when it comes to 

258
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,350
communication with us, I don't 
know how that fits, but I think 

259
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,250
it's something like maybe I 
don't know our communication, 

260
00:11:58,390 --> 00:12:01,520
how supporting each other when 
we're cranky with the kids or 

261
00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:02,560
something. 
Yeah. 

262
00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:05,170
Yeah, that's a good one. 
That's when I. 

263
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:07,650
Got nice. 
So just out of little 

264
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:13,600
transparency, that stupid chap 
jar that question, yeah, that 

265
00:12:13,610 --> 00:12:15,890
question just sparked up a lot 
of stuff for us. 

266
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,770
So we had to be real. 
And that was a conversation that

267
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,510
Amy and I always have to have a 
break. 

268
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,030
We had a chat that out and it 
was good. 

269
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,290
It's hard. 
We are still married today. 

270
00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:30,610
No, but it's good. 
We just we had to have that 

271
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:33,760
break and as to to chat through 
that, that's something we're 

272
00:12:33,770 --> 00:12:36,810
going to keep private for now. 
We will cover that in another 

273
00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:40,400
episode I think because I don't 
think that it's unique to us. 

274
00:12:40,790 --> 00:12:44,040
I genuinely don't oht. 
I know it's not, but it's still 

275
00:12:44,110 --> 00:12:48,140
a sensitive one. 
And so yeah, we'll we'll share 

276
00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:51,150
with you guys in. 
The future more raw and 

277
00:12:51,190 --> 00:12:53,480
processed so. 
Yeah, absolutely. 

278
00:12:53,590 --> 00:12:57,190
Anyway. 
So he's at the moment. 

279
00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,790
Shall we dive into the stories? 
Yes, let's do it. 

280
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:03,690
So this week's theme is kind of 
following along the mental load 

281
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,340
episode, the chit chat about 
mental load. 

282
00:13:05,350 --> 00:13:08,050
So this theme is a similar one. 
It's processing some mental 

283
00:13:08,060 --> 00:13:11,150
load, but the the actual theme 
is gonna be basically when you 

284
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:15,380
feel alone in something of your 
relationship, so feeling alone 

285
00:13:15,390 --> 00:13:18,360
in those things. 
And as I mentioned earlier, 

286
00:13:18,370 --> 00:13:23,290
we've got some exciting listener
writings, which is the first 

287
00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:25,260
time ever. 
So please guys, I love it. 

288
00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:27,680
If you have a story you want us 
to worship on the podcast, 

289
00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:31,000
please message us. 
You can contact us via the 

290
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:35,310
website at www.honey.what. 
Honey, we need to chat. 

291
00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:40,600
We need to chat.com or you can 
just email us at www.honey, we 

292
00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:45,620
need to chat not W. 
You only say WWW ever. 

293
00:13:45,630 --> 00:13:53,010
See if they just go to Google. 
It just email us at honeymoon 

294
00:13:53,020 --> 00:13:55,410
dot at gmail.com. 
Geez, Louise. 

295
00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:57,930
Even if they got Google, they 
just type in. 

296
00:13:57,940 --> 00:13:59,880
Honey, we need to chat. 
OK, whatever, Just message 

297
00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:02,430
Anyway, we're here. 
You'll find us. 

298
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:03,970
OK, we need to have another 
moment. 

299
00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:11,540
Sorry guys. 
Honey, we need to chat. 

300
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:21,140
We would love to, we would love 
to workshop any stories you feel

301
00:14:21,550 --> 00:14:25,520
inclined to share with us 
because we love building this 

302
00:14:25,530 --> 00:14:27,760
community. 
So excited to talk through a 

303
00:14:27,770 --> 00:14:30,480
couple of these that have been 
written in from listeners. 

304
00:14:30,550 --> 00:14:33,160
Thank you for those. 
But firstly, we're going to 

305
00:14:33,170 --> 00:14:36,270
start with one story from our 
slash relationships on Reddit. 

306
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:40,240
It is titled Irrationally Angry 
over Something my 29 female 

307
00:14:40,450 --> 00:14:43,640
partner, 35 male said bothers 
him. 

308
00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:45,910
My partner told me last night 
that the state of the house 

309
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,350
lately is really bothering him. 
He said he can handle untidiness

310
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,370
but draws the line at dirty. 
The night prior he walked past 

311
00:14:52,380 --> 00:14:55,260
the bathroom and one of my kids 
had torn up a small amount of 

312
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,630
toilet paper and evidently 
thrown it on the floor. 

313
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,140
He got angry and made some 
passive aggressive remarks about

314
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:02,830
the bathroom, stomped around the
house and then deep cleaned the 

315
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,490
bathroom. 
This is the first time since he 

316
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:06,910
moved in 2.5 years ago that he 
has cleaned it. 

317
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,630
I have always done a majority of
the housework for the first two 

318
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,610
years I did 90% even when I was 
working and studying. 

319
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,360
About 12 months ago he stepped 
up when prompted and now the 

320
00:15:15,370 --> 00:15:18,410
split is roughly 70% me and 30% 
him. 

321
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,610
He will do the dishes close to 
half the time. 

322
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:23,850
He'll sweep and mop, sometimes 
takes the bins out and maintains

323
00:15:23,860 --> 00:15:27,280
the lawns. 
I cook 99% of the time and I do 

324
00:15:27,290 --> 00:15:29,790
99% of the laundry. 
I clean the bathrooms and do 

325
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,430
everything else mentioned above 
when he doesn't feel like doing 

326
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,680
it. 
I also carry 100% of the mental 

327
00:15:34,690 --> 00:15:36,890
load and do all grocery shopping
etcetera. 

328
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:39,350
His comment last night really 
hit a nerve. 

329
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,800
The reasons it did, I think, is 
because one, although he has 

330
00:15:42,810 --> 00:15:45,070
stepped up, he gets to pick and 
choose when he helps. 

331
00:15:45,370 --> 00:15:47,500
If he doesn't feel like doing 
the dishes for a week, he 

332
00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:49,560
wouldn't. 
If I didn't do the dishes for a 

333
00:15:49,570 --> 00:15:50,960
week, he would make me feel 
guilty. 

334
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:53,390
I've never actually done this. 
The dishes are done every single

335
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,680
night 2 The house isn't dirty, 
we've had three kids birthdays 

336
00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:59,420
in the last 1.5 months and it 
has become cluttered and 

337
00:15:59,430 --> 00:16:01,420
disorganised. 
But I never leave food out or 

338
00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:04,800
anything on hygienic. 3 When he 
lived alone, he bragged that he 

339
00:16:04,810 --> 00:16:07,560
only cleaned on Thursdays. 
He left everything, including 

340
00:16:07,570 --> 00:16:10,150
dirty dishes, sitting from 
Friday to Thursday. 

341
00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:13,360
But now he claims he has such 
high cleanliness standards for 

342
00:16:13,370 --> 00:16:15,780
he spends his days off doing 
whatever he wants. 

343
00:16:15,860 --> 00:16:19,030
While I'm expected to spend mine
cleaning and five, I obviously 

344
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,620
still hold resentment for doing 
all of it for the first two 

345
00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:24,240
years. 
I will admit the bathroom is 

346
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:26,970
overdue for a deep clean. 
I had done it three weeks prior 

347
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:29,520
and it was untidy, dusty, and 
there was some toothpaste in the

348
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:31,380
sink. 
I've done a few toilet cleans 

349
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:34,020
and surface wipes in those three
weeks and I do not think it was 

350
00:16:34,030 --> 00:16:36,720
unhygienic in any way. 
I transitioned to working full 

351
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:38,740
time this year and also quit 
smoking. 

352
00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:41,620
This combination is made it hard
for me to keep on top of things.

353
00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:44,360
I clean every day, but with 
limited time and no longer 

354
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,080
having the reward of a 
cigarette. 

355
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:48,130
I'm not deep cleaning often as I
used to. 

356
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,950
All of the deep cleans I did 
fortnightly are now more like 

357
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,650
every three to four weeks and 
I'm vacuuming about four times a

358
00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:55,410
week instead of every day 
anyway. 

359
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:57,970
I'm extremely angry and 
resentful over what he said and 

360
00:16:57,980 --> 00:16:59,530
I don't know how to move 
forward. 

361
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,350
I feel personally attacked, like
he was accusing me of being a 

362
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,150
bad partner and a mum. 
He did say we need to do better,

363
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:08,650
but the reality is anything he 
does is considered helping. 

364
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:12,079
While it's all considered my 
responsibility, how do I process

365
00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:14,430
what he said and move past it? 
So is it? 

366
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:17,829
It's not his kids, right? 
I'm assuming he's moved in. 

367
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,609
It sounds like they're his 
stepchildren. 

368
00:17:19,619 --> 00:17:21,819
Yeah, yeah, because he's only 
been in the house for 2 1/2 

369
00:17:21,829 --> 00:17:23,180
years. 
Yeah, yeah. 

370
00:17:23,290 --> 00:17:24,839
And I've got three kids. 
Yeah. 

371
00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:26,640
This one gets me kind of 
frustrated. 

372
00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:29,840
Alright. 
So for for this, I obviously 

373
00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:32,960
think it needs to come back to 
the conversation. 

374
00:17:33,110 --> 00:17:36,780
So if you if I came at you, I 
know that this wouldn't be the 

375
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:39,240
end of the conversation, right. 
If I came at you and said I'm 

376
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:43,080
sick of this, you know you that 
would not end there. 

377
00:17:43,090 --> 00:17:44,700
You'd be like, no, this is not 
OK. 

378
00:17:45,210 --> 00:17:49,060
It's OK if you're frustrated 
over the mess, but it's not OK 

379
00:17:49,070 --> 00:17:50,530
that you're bringing you back to
me. 

380
00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:53,540
Yeah, And one thing that we 
would talk about is, OK, well, 

381
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:56,380
what does this look like for us 
to make the change? 

382
00:17:56,390 --> 00:18:00,900
So if he says us, that's good, 
but where's the action to back 

383
00:18:00,910 --> 00:18:03,450
that up? 
So you know, straight off the 

384
00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:06,580
bat it would be put a roster in 
place like if you need to, and 

385
00:18:06,590 --> 00:18:08,460
we've done that before that we 
hold on to. 

386
00:18:08,470 --> 00:18:09,940
Various. 
Things we haven't touched 

387
00:18:09,950 --> 00:18:14,270
against since it's it's we, you 
know, we struggle to keep on top

388
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:18,290
of the mess with the four kids 
and but when we do put a roster 

389
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:21,070
in place, we kick butt, you 
know, we clean the place 

390
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,080
together, we actually make it 
fun. 

391
00:18:23,260 --> 00:18:26,810
We put music on as a dance 
party, everything else. 

392
00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:30,630
But yeah, I don't know, I don't 
think either of us would just 

393
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,560
take it. 
If that was the way that was 

394
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:35,650
communicated to us, we would 
bring it back like alright, 

395
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,890
that's fine. 
Do you struggle with that? 

396
00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:39,530
First of all, don't talk to me 
like that. 

397
00:18:39,580 --> 00:18:43,330
But two, what are we going to, 
what are we going to do about 

398
00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:44,740
that? 
Yeah. 

399
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:46,900
I think the fact that he said 
we. 

400
00:18:46,950 --> 00:18:48,570
I would kind of call him on it. 
Yeah. 

401
00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:52,240
And or like turn it around not 
to be manipulative but be like 

402
00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:53,580
what would you like to do. 
Yeah. 

403
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:56,520
With this Like ask him OK what 
what would be the standard that 

404
00:18:56,590 --> 00:19:00,340
you would like to step up to 
kind of thing He might have, he 

405
00:19:00,350 --> 00:19:02,770
might have not meant he might 
have done it in that like 

406
00:19:02,780 --> 00:19:05,360
backwards way of saying it 
really needs to be her. 

407
00:19:05,370 --> 00:19:08,040
But he said we. 
So I would I would hold him to 

408
00:19:08,050 --> 00:19:09,750
that. 
There's so many things that come

409
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:13,660
into this, and this is the 
perfect mental load example 

410
00:19:13,670 --> 00:19:18,730
because she is feeling like she 
can't express everything she 

411
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,630
does. 
And he's got a moment of 

412
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,710
frustration at the house, which 
even reading her story is like, 

413
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,570
Oh my gosh, he cleans every 
three to four weeks. 

414
00:19:27,190 --> 00:19:30,200
Good job. 
She's doing very well. 

415
00:19:30,350 --> 00:19:33,760
If this is legit. 
And I definitely have times 

416
00:19:33,770 --> 00:19:36,740
where I've just been like, this 
house is so messy, but I just 

417
00:19:36,830 --> 00:19:39,900
can't genuinely think of an 
instance where I look at the 

418
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:43,300
house being a mess and I think 
this house is so messy and my 

419
00:19:43,310 --> 00:19:47,430
anger is directed at you because
it's not you, and especially 

420
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,280
when you have kids, it's your 
children. 

421
00:19:49,290 --> 00:19:55,160
It is a really tough dynamic 
when it is a step parent because

422
00:19:55,550 --> 00:19:59,990
I can imagine that there would 
be really difficult tensions 

423
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:04,010
that go on. 
Where you would feel an element 

424
00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:07,860
of responsibility over your 
children individually, even 

425
00:20:07,870 --> 00:20:11,610
though that parent hopefully is,
is very much embracing the role,

426
00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:14,520
and I maybe some of these kids 
are his, who knows. 

427
00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:17,500
I think you would feel a sense 
of responsibility individually 

428
00:20:17,510 --> 00:20:20,390
about your children and then 
maybe even defensiveness. 

429
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,940
So I think that definitely 
muddies the conversation and 

430
00:20:22,950 --> 00:20:25,690
could make it a little bit more 
complicated in terms of figuring

431
00:20:25,700 --> 00:20:29,550
out where each person is coming 
from because it would be very 

432
00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:33,660
dynamic, very complex. 
And when you have entered into a

433
00:20:33,670 --> 00:20:38,540
space with children, that hasn't
been like when we had kids, we 

434
00:20:38,590 --> 00:20:41,780
had them together and so we both
started at the same point and we

435
00:20:41,790 --> 00:20:44,490
both kind of grown through that 
process. 

436
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:48,060
So we've kind of slowly been 
introduced to the things that 

437
00:20:48,070 --> 00:20:51,210
need to happen as a family. 
When you enter into a family 

438
00:20:51,220 --> 00:20:53,720
that has children already, 
you're jumping into them at a 

439
00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:56,470
certain level. 
And so catching up mentally with

440
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,720
that is really complicated, I'm 
sure I can imagine. 

441
00:20:58,790 --> 00:21:02,460
So that is like one factor that 
I think could be adding tension 

442
00:21:02,540 --> 00:21:04,350
there. 
But I think it's a really 

443
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,090
important conversation to have 
and it comes back down to that 

444
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:11,590
mental load thing. 
He may not really see the 

445
00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:13,940
dynamics at play for you. 
He might not see what's 

446
00:21:13,950 --> 00:21:16,430
happening every day, those 
little things that you are 

447
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,750
doing. 
So I think I would sit you down 

448
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,240
and say I understand that you're
stressed about the house. 

449
00:21:20,590 --> 00:21:23,070
I feel you like I don't like the
house being in this state 

450
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,270
either. 
I'm feeling a little bit 

451
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,510
overwhelmed though because this 
is what I'm having to do. 

452
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:29,070
This, this isn't This one thing 
I think is really important to 

453
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,410
point out, which we've 
highlighted a lot through our 

454
00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:34,400
marriage is what she says at the
end here where it's her 

455
00:21:34,410 --> 00:21:38,420
responsibility and he's helping 
and I think that is a really 

456
00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:41,090
important clarification point. 
Yeah. 

457
00:21:41,410 --> 00:21:44,040
It is not her responsibility and
he's helping. 

458
00:21:44,410 --> 00:21:47,180
They need to do it. 
It's their responsibility. 

459
00:21:47,250 --> 00:21:48,580
And it's the same with 
parenting. 

460
00:21:48,630 --> 00:21:51,960
You're not babysitting your 
kids, you are just their dad. 

461
00:21:52,030 --> 00:21:54,680
So when you take them when I'm 
out, it's not because you're 

462
00:21:54,690 --> 00:21:57,180
doing me a favour, it's because 
you are their father. 

463
00:21:57,350 --> 00:21:59,390
And so I think that's an 
important thing to explore 

464
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,200
together and making sure that 
you're both. 

465
00:22:02,270 --> 00:22:05,270
It could cause you couldn't 
really subconsciously take on 

466
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:06,490
those things. 
Oh, absolutely. 

467
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,470
And especially in that step 
family environment, you're not 

468
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:13,050
gonna easily see him coming into
that space again where we're 

469
00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:16,590
speculating here, but I could 
easily see him coming into that 

470
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,790
space to be like, these are your
kids, You need to clean up after

471
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,120
your kids. 
But honestly, mate, like if 

472
00:22:23,130 --> 00:22:25,970
you're going into a family, go 
into that family. 

473
00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:29,330
Like become part of our family. 
And I know that's going to be a 

474
00:22:29,340 --> 00:22:32,370
lot easier said than done, but 
especially in something like 

475
00:22:32,380 --> 00:22:35,910
this, you know, like it, it's, 
yeah, you need to connect, yeah.

476
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,110
Yeah, I think it's interesting 
because he would have entered 

477
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,550
into a space as a helper, yeah. 
So he would have the times where

478
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,650
he started to clean the first 
instances. 

479
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,910
It would have been categorised 
as him helping her. 

480
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,510
Yeah. 
And that's and that's still, 

481
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,990
that's still something really 
important to point out because 

482
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,890
it's it's like that transition 
hasn't happened and that 

483
00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:56,730
transition, you know, I think 
sometimes we expect that 

484
00:22:56,740 --> 00:23:00,250
transition will just happen in 
in many different ways, right. 

485
00:23:00,260 --> 00:23:03,790
And we think transitions will 
just happen naturally. 

486
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,360
But again, experience tells us 
they don't unless we can clearly

487
00:23:07,370 --> 00:23:11,200
communicate what the problem is 
but also be a part of that 

488
00:23:11,210 --> 00:23:12,640
together. 
I work through it together. 

489
00:23:12,650 --> 00:23:15,880
It's not smooth. 
It's just like this jarring 

490
00:23:15,930 --> 00:23:17,780
thing. 
Then you have arguments because 

491
00:23:17,790 --> 00:23:20,510
you've got expectations, you've 
got assumptions, you've got all 

492
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,090
these sorts of things that come 
into the mix. 

493
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,440
And then it's just yeah, it's 
just messy. 

494
00:23:24,630 --> 00:23:27,080
Yeah, absolutely. 
I think conversation could 

495
00:23:27,090 --> 00:23:29,490
really help this. 
I think there are there are lots

496
00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:32,320
of dynamics at play specifically
for this situation. 

497
00:23:32,330 --> 00:23:35,760
But this this is a common issue 
regardless of your family 

498
00:23:35,770 --> 00:23:39,250
structure. 
A common common and the things 

499
00:23:39,260 --> 00:23:41,560
that you point, I'm glad that 
this person has stepped through 

500
00:23:41,570 --> 00:23:44,330
the things that she thinks is 
like impacting why she's so 

501
00:23:44,420 --> 00:23:46,480
frustrated by it cause that's 
really helpful. 

502
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,340
That's really good conversation 
points. 

503
00:23:48,350 --> 00:23:50,630
Yeah. 
And as we've said before, if she

504
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,250
comes into the conversation and 
says you this, this isn't this. 

505
00:23:53,290 --> 00:23:54,530
It's actually gonna shut him 
down. 

506
00:23:54,540 --> 00:23:55,910
Yeah, he'll put his barriers. 
Up. 

507
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:57,790
Yeah. 
If instead you can come to the 

508
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,390
conversation, be like, hey, I 
just wanted to say I was really 

509
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,590
wrestling with how you brought 
that up the other day. 

510
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,550
I felt very much like you were 
upset at me. 

511
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,340
I was wondering why it, like, 
threw me so much. 

512
00:24:08,430 --> 00:24:11,100
I think these are the reasons I 
I struggle with this. 

513
00:24:11,110 --> 00:24:13,080
I struggle with this. 
These are things I've thought 

514
00:24:13,090 --> 00:24:15,120
about and have that be like 
you're entering into the 

515
00:24:15,130 --> 00:24:17,840
conversation with an attitude of
curiosity, which I've said a 

516
00:24:17,850 --> 00:24:19,730
lot. 
No, I'm probably gonna keep 

517
00:24:19,740 --> 00:24:23,320
saying you're not coming to 
attack him, You're not coming to

518
00:24:23,370 --> 00:24:26,050
correct him. 
You're coming to become closer 

519
00:24:26,060 --> 00:24:27,690
as a team. 
And so you're coming to the 

520
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:31,340
conversation with curiosity 
about yourself, curiosity about 

521
00:24:31,350 --> 00:24:33,660
why you're feeling the way 
you're feeling, curiosity about 

522
00:24:33,670 --> 00:24:36,680
why he's reacting the way he's 
reacting and curiosity about how

523
00:24:36,690 --> 00:24:39,820
you guys can be a better team 
going forward. 

524
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,990
Catch phrase or funding. 
We need to chat, think about 

525
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,390
five years from now, where do 
you want to be, where does it, 

526
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,070
where team dynamic do you want 
to have. 

527
00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:50,080
If you're happy for this to 
continue to be a wedge that's 

528
00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:53,910
slowly gets more and more 
reinforced, alright, probably 

529
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,120
not worth bringing up. 
You're happy with that if you're

530
00:24:56,130 --> 00:24:59,280
not happy, if you want to be a a
more cohesive team that's 

531
00:24:59,290 --> 00:25:02,330
working together, that owns the 
stuff together, especially if 

532
00:25:02,340 --> 00:25:05,630
you are in that kind of step, 
parent, step relationship like 

533
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,380
forming a new family. 
This is really important because

534
00:25:08,390 --> 00:25:10,920
you need to be directional. 
That's how you're going and 

535
00:25:10,930 --> 00:25:13,560
those conversations can be 
incredibly important. 

536
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,800
And incredibly hard. 
That can be hard. 

537
00:25:15,810 --> 00:25:18,350
You know, again cause we've just
had this conversation through 

538
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,310
one of the chat jars. 
They're not easy conversations, 

539
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,630
but they're so important to have
and they're intentional. 

540
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,170
You know, it was, it was a lot 
of that understanding where 

541
00:25:27,180 --> 00:25:29,830
you're coming from, where I'm 
coming from, it's exactly the 

542
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:31,820
same here. 
And I think again, we didn't 

543
00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:34,470
solve it in that conversation. 
You know, I mean, this is 

544
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,470
something that we're going to be
going on like for a while now 

545
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,770
and I think that's another big 
thing to to bring up. 

546
00:25:39,780 --> 00:25:42,800
You know, you just pointed out 
picture what your relationship 

547
00:25:42,810 --> 00:25:44,980
is and you want it to be like in
five years. 

548
00:25:44,990 --> 00:25:47,440
I know for me sometimes I'm 
like, I don't wanna wait five 

549
00:25:47,450 --> 00:25:50,620
years, maybe like I wanna now. 
But things take awhile. 

550
00:25:50,630 --> 00:25:54,680
And if you're invested in in 
your relationship, investments 

551
00:25:54,750 --> 00:25:58,160
aren't always fast and this is 
one that is OK for them to go 

552
00:25:58,230 --> 00:26:01,860
for a while. 
You know, I don't know of any of

553
00:26:01,870 --> 00:26:05,780
our situations we've had to work
through that have been fast, but

554
00:26:05,790 --> 00:26:08,710
I know for a fact everyone we 
have worked through and made our

555
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,300
relationship stronger. 
Well, you don't see results 

556
00:26:11,310 --> 00:26:13,750
quickly, no. 
Like long lasting results in 

557
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,920
almost any area of life is not 
achieved quickly, no. 

558
00:26:16,990 --> 00:26:17,930
So. 
Enough said. 

559
00:26:17,940 --> 00:26:20,920
Yeah, enough said. 
But you're not alone. 

560
00:26:21,090 --> 00:26:23,160
That's yeah, pumpkin converse. 
Yeah, this is gonna be, yeah, 

561
00:26:23,170 --> 00:26:25,600
this is be triggering for a lot 
of people. 

562
00:26:25,670 --> 00:26:27,990
I think also it's important to 
say what you've kind of just 

563
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,900
said on this podcast. 
It might look like conversations

564
00:26:30,910 --> 00:26:33,960
are fun and easy and light and 
they should just go smoothly and

565
00:26:33,970 --> 00:26:36,330
we should just be willing to 
hear the other person all the 

566
00:26:36,340 --> 00:26:38,140
time. 
That's not always the case for 

567
00:26:38,150 --> 00:26:40,400
us. 
I wish we could just make it 

568
00:26:40,410 --> 00:26:42,740
like super raw. 
You saw all of the difficult 

569
00:26:42,750 --> 00:26:44,370
stuff. 
It wouldn't necessarily be 

570
00:26:44,550 --> 00:26:46,300
helpful. 
I'd probably just be more like 

571
00:26:46,310 --> 00:26:49,270
reality TV. 
What about that? 

572
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,930
No, we're not about that. 
But just to be really clear, 

573
00:26:51,940 --> 00:26:55,370
these things aren't neat and 
easy, You know, if they were 

574
00:26:55,380 --> 00:26:57,670
you, there would be no point of 
having a podcast like this 

575
00:26:57,740 --> 00:26:58,710
anyway. 
Moving right along. 

576
00:26:58,720 --> 00:26:59,670
Yeah, listen. 
So was that? 

577
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,290
Did someone write that one in? 
No, that was that was our slash 

578
00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:04,610
relationships. 
Yeah, but now we're gonna move 

579
00:27:04,620 --> 00:27:08,450
on to a listener right in what 
Wow. 

580
00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:11,350
So anonymous listener write in. 
Thank you. 

581
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:16,650
Let's dive right in, Stuart, me,
26 female and my partner, 30 

582
00:27:16,660 --> 00:27:18,790
male have been together for six 
years. 

583
00:27:18,860 --> 00:27:21,670
We'll use Pete as a pseudonym 
for my partner throughout our 

584
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,170
relationship. 
Pete has been a wonderful 

585
00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:24,910
partner. 
We have not had any major 

586
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,470
conflicts and have been able to 
work through anything together 

587
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,610
and we are very united couple. 
The only issue within our 

588
00:27:30,620 --> 00:27:32,710
relationship that we haven't 
been able to work through has 

589
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,950
been Pete's mother the entire 
time we have been together and 

590
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,190
my experience has been that I've
been bullied by her. 

591
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,680
Pete shuts down during conflict 
and says that he doesn't want to

592
00:27:40,690 --> 00:27:43,010
get involved whenever things are
at their worst. 

593
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,460
We lose contact with him for a 
few months and then things are 

594
00:27:45,470 --> 00:27:47,410
just back to normal and never 
resolved. 

595
00:27:47,420 --> 00:27:49,540
He doesn't want to lose his 
relationship with his parents, 

596
00:27:49,550 --> 00:27:52,080
which I understand, but I feel 
like I've been forever fighting 

597
00:27:52,090 --> 00:27:53,820
my own battle with his parents 
alone. 

598
00:27:53,890 --> 00:27:58,390
We have just recently had a baby
together and we I have had more 

599
00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,340
criticism by them which left 
Pete angry, although he didn't 

600
00:28:01,350 --> 00:28:03,070
want to get involved in 
quotation marks. 

601
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,810
I'm feeling very alone within 
this battle. 

602
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,190
I want to feel like a priority 
to Pete, though. 

603
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,650
When I bring up this, he feels 
as if I'm making him choose 

604
00:28:10,660 --> 00:28:14,520
between his family and myself. 
This is a really tough one. 

605
00:28:14,590 --> 00:28:17,780
That is a tough one. 
Well, can we give a name for the

606
00:28:17,850 --> 00:28:20,020
person writing? 
Let's call her Laura. 

607
00:28:20,170 --> 00:28:22,740
Laura. 
It's not Laura, but let's just 

608
00:28:22,750 --> 00:28:26,020
call her Laura. 
OK, it's not unique to Laura, 

609
00:28:26,070 --> 00:28:30,140
this situation, I think. 
I think we've touched base on 

610
00:28:30,150 --> 00:28:33,340
something similar to this in one
of our previous episodes with 

611
00:28:33,350 --> 00:28:36,200
the mother in law. 
And it wasn't about the bullying

612
00:28:36,210 --> 00:28:42,340
stuff, but just about how, you 
know, the the partner whose mum 

613
00:28:42,410 --> 00:28:45,670
it is just wasn't really helping
the situation. 

614
00:28:45,750 --> 00:28:47,270
And I think that's definitely 
something. 

615
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:51,670
OK, so we we've had situations 
with both of our parents where 

616
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,410
we've had to navigate through, 
right? 

617
00:28:53,420 --> 00:28:54,270
Yeah. 
And. 

618
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:55,570
But it will have. 
Exactly. 

619
00:28:55,620 --> 00:28:58,410
And full respect for our 
parents. 

620
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:01,590
There's been times where there's
been times where you've had to 

621
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:03,820
say something to your parents or
you've had to have that 

622
00:29:03,830 --> 00:29:06,090
conversation. 
I've had to talk to my parents 

623
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,850
and I had the conversation. 
But there's also times where 

624
00:29:08,860 --> 00:29:11,070
I've had to have the 
conversation with your parents, 

625
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:13,810
vice versa, and we've had to do 
it together, right? 

626
00:29:13,820 --> 00:29:15,570
There's been the different. 
Levels. 

627
00:29:15,580 --> 00:29:18,640
Levels, yeah, I think 
definitely. 

628
00:29:18,650 --> 00:29:23,860
I think it's worth Pete talking 
to his mum about it again like 

629
00:29:23,870 --> 00:29:25,950
and this is the hard thing, man.
When you bring you bring your 

630
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:28,800
own parents involved with this 
and mum I know you listen and 

631
00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:31,380
and we're very on the same page 
of this. 

632
00:29:31,390 --> 00:29:33,580
We've had this conversation 
before but it's very hard 

633
00:29:33,590 --> 00:29:36,050
because there's so many more 
triggers and everything involved

634
00:29:36,060 --> 00:29:37,920
in those conversations. 
When it's to do with your 

635
00:29:37,930 --> 00:29:40,820
parents and because there's so 
much familiarity. 

636
00:29:40,890 --> 00:29:43,960
It's so much easier to have a 
heated conversation with your 

637
00:29:43,970 --> 00:29:44,590
parents. 
Right. 

638
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,980
Because you know them for for so
much longer. 

639
00:29:47,310 --> 00:29:49,820
And I don't know it's just so 
much easier to get cranky 

640
00:29:49,830 --> 00:29:51,320
appearance than anyone else. 
I guess. 

641
00:29:51,390 --> 00:29:54,620
I think that he needs to have 
that conversation with his mum 

642
00:29:54,690 --> 00:29:58,400
in the softest way possible. 
This is the ideal situation and 

643
00:29:58,410 --> 00:30:01,740
this would be so hard but I 
believe that we would do this 

644
00:30:01,750 --> 00:30:04,160
too. 
Let's let's just pretend I'm 

645
00:30:04,170 --> 00:30:06,730
just talking to you right and 
and with our relationship. 

646
00:30:06,740 --> 00:30:08,890
OK. 
So remove the mum son size 

647
00:30:08,900 --> 00:30:10,730
stuff. 
How would I want to talk to you 

648
00:30:10,740 --> 00:30:14,980
about this sort of thing And I 
think it would be again, it's 

649
00:30:14,990 --> 00:30:17,740
creating that safe space. 
But again like if he comes 

650
00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:21,500
unheated like every conversation
we've talked about her walls is 

651
00:30:21,510 --> 00:30:25,300
gonna go up and like the the 
conversations are going nowhere.

652
00:30:25,310 --> 00:30:28,200
It won't go anywhere. 
But he needs to create that safe

653
00:30:28,210 --> 00:30:30,960
space a picture of five years 
from now and do this with Pete 

654
00:30:30,970 --> 00:30:32,900
Laura like from five years from 
now. 

655
00:30:32,910 --> 00:30:36,040
What do you both want this 
relationship to look like with 

656
00:30:36,050 --> 00:30:39,660
his mum and picture that and 
then work back from there. 

657
00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,260
OK, cool. 
That's what we want. 

658
00:30:41,270 --> 00:30:45,350
And even voice that with her has
awkward, as cheesy as that can 

659
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:48,390
be exactly what I would be doing
with you because that's a lot of

660
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:49,960
what we're talking about in this
podcast. 

661
00:30:49,970 --> 00:30:52,810
Like, yeah, we talk about 
couples majority of the time, 

662
00:30:52,820 --> 00:30:56,840
but it it goes beyond just a 
couple of things that we're 

663
00:30:56,850 --> 00:30:58,810
talking about. 
I think this sounds like a 

664
00:30:58,820 --> 00:31:04,010
complicated one though, because 
it sounds to me like Pete has a 

665
00:31:04,020 --> 00:31:07,670
bit of a an attachment style 
issue going on with his parents,

666
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:12,190
which I resonate a lot with. 
So it sounds to me like he knows

667
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:16,130
that this happens, but he does 
not know how to communicate with

668
00:31:16,140 --> 00:31:18,570
his parents about this. 
And so it it it doesn't seem 

669
00:31:18,580 --> 00:31:21,880
like just it doesn't seem like 
the same dynamic as if this was 

670
00:31:21,890 --> 00:31:24,660
us playing this out. 
I think what would be more 

671
00:31:24,670 --> 00:31:28,260
similar is if we flipped it and 
if you were feeling bullied by 

672
00:31:28,330 --> 00:31:31,810
my dad, for example, back, let's
say, when we first got together.

673
00:31:31,820 --> 00:31:34,700
Because obviously there's been a
lot of work in between me 

674
00:31:34,710 --> 00:31:39,420
confronting my parents and 
navigating that dynamic was a 

675
00:31:39,430 --> 00:31:44,150
lot more complicated in some 
ways because of just attachment 

676
00:31:44,230 --> 00:31:46,730
was happening. 
And if there's any kind of 

677
00:31:46,740 --> 00:31:49,760
anxiety or any kind of, like, 
communication style that's 

678
00:31:49,770 --> 00:31:52,330
happened in the past, that's 
meant that you can't you don't, 

679
00:31:52,340 --> 00:31:55,170
you just don't know how to 
interact with them in a neutral 

680
00:31:55,180 --> 00:31:56,890
and healthy and constructive 
way. 

681
00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,470
And so it sounds to me from this
is a short story, but it sounds 

682
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:02,740
to me like he shuts down. 
Well, she says he shuts down 

683
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:04,760
during conflict and he doesn't 
want to get involved. 

684
00:32:04,770 --> 00:32:08,030
That doesn't sound like someone 
who's just like, oh, I'm super 

685
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,130
neutral. 
I couldn't care less. 

686
00:32:09,140 --> 00:32:11,090
It actually sounds like someone 
who's really wrestling with a 

687
00:32:11,100 --> 00:32:13,800
lot of stuff that's that's 
impacting how he talks to his 

688
00:32:13,810 --> 00:32:15,750
parents and how he engages with 
conflict. 

689
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:19,140
And so I totally agree with you 
about sitting down together. 

690
00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:22,740
So Laura and Pete sitting down 
together and I think it's really

691
00:32:22,750 --> 00:32:26,480
valid for you, Laura, to say to 
him, I actually can't just keep 

692
00:32:26,490 --> 00:32:30,260
going in this dynamic with your 
mom in this way. 

693
00:32:30,270 --> 00:32:32,620
Like that's not a journey that 
can keep going this way. 

694
00:32:32,630 --> 00:32:35,020
It's not healthy. 
It's not going to, it doesn't 

695
00:32:35,030 --> 00:32:37,050
end well. 
We've got a child now and it's 

696
00:32:37,060 --> 00:32:39,370
just ramped up. 
So I think it's a very valid 

697
00:32:39,380 --> 00:32:41,720
conversation to have. 
It might not be a fun one like 

698
00:32:41,730 --> 00:32:43,390
we said before, but really 
valid. 

699
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,210
So I think sitting Pete down and
saying, hey, I know you're he's 

700
00:32:47,220 --> 00:32:49,280
been recently angry about some 
of the criticism. 

701
00:32:49,350 --> 00:32:51,020
So he's seen it, He's aware of 
it. 

702
00:32:51,030 --> 00:32:53,630
He doesn't want to get involved,
but he's aware of it. 

703
00:32:53,670 --> 00:32:55,940
So sitting him down and saying 
something like I know you've 

704
00:32:55,950 --> 00:32:57,730
seen it, I know you don't know 
how to get involved. 

705
00:32:57,740 --> 00:32:59,760
I know you don't want to get 
involved, but I need to tell you

706
00:32:59,770 --> 00:33:02,470
this is extremely important to 
me and I can't keep going this 

707
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,470
way. 
And so we do need to figure out 

708
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:07,310
what we're going to do about it.
And then doing that, where do we

709
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:10,220
want to be in five years time as
your own core family unit? 

710
00:33:10,230 --> 00:33:14,660
Because really you do, as you 
become a unit, you do remove 

711
00:33:14,670 --> 00:33:15,780
from your parents. 
Yeah. 

712
00:33:15,850 --> 00:33:18,140
And you don't. 
Hopefully it doesn't have to be 

713
00:33:18,150 --> 00:33:20,920
no relationship with them, but 
it does change and it needs to 

714
00:33:20,930 --> 00:33:22,900
change. 
That transition is really tough 

715
00:33:22,910 --> 00:33:24,720
for people. 
For some, it's tougher than it 

716
00:33:24,730 --> 00:33:27,040
is for others. 
And so I think sitting down and 

717
00:33:27,050 --> 00:33:30,420
saying we've got a child now in 
five years time, where do we 

718
00:33:30,430 --> 00:33:33,510
want to be as our unit? 
Where do we want to be with your

719
00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:35,010
mom? 
It's no longer. 

720
00:33:35,020 --> 00:33:36,950
And we've had this conversation 
with our parents as well. 

721
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:39,670
It's no longer how we interact 
with them and who they are to 

722
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,150
us. 
It's actually also we are 

723
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,250
fostering who they're going to 
be to our kids. 

724
00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:47,950
And parents are just like us. 
They're just humans with things 

725
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,570
that they've experienced and 
have made them into who they are

726
00:33:50,580 --> 00:33:52,990
as well. 
And so they can work out of 

727
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:54,710
those traumas. 
They can work out of those 

728
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:58,430
experiences in a constructive or
in an deconstructive way, in a 

729
00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:01,250
toxic way. 
And they can find themselves 

730
00:34:01,260 --> 00:34:04,370
stuck in ruts as well. 
But a lot of parents actually 

731
00:34:04,380 --> 00:34:07,410
would love to be really 
beautiful blessings to their 

732
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,510
kids, really beautiful blessings
to their grandkid. 

733
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:12,210
And so I think it's really 
important for you as a family to

734
00:34:12,219 --> 00:34:15,800
get very clear on in five years 
time, Where do we want to be 

735
00:34:15,810 --> 00:34:18,710
with this in five years time 
where we want our kids 

736
00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:22,830
relationship to be with her, 
with this grandma, How? 

737
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:25,790
And if you sit down and you make
that clear, it helps you figure 

738
00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:28,730
out what you what steps you need
to take to get to that place. 

739
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:33,060
If nothing is communicated, 
nothing will get better. 

740
00:34:33,110 --> 00:34:36,159
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
I like your answer better. 

741
00:34:37,210 --> 00:34:39,080
I think the other really 
important thing to highlight is 

742
00:34:39,090 --> 00:34:41,179
she, she calls a bullying. 
Yes. 

743
00:34:41,190 --> 00:34:44,570
And so there are absolutely 
times where it's just not 

744
00:34:44,580 --> 00:34:46,560
healthy to be around a certain 
person. 

745
00:34:46,570 --> 00:34:49,300
And so I think that's again, in 
that conversation you have with 

746
00:34:49,310 --> 00:34:53,080
Pete, it's really important for 
you to define what the, what the

747
00:34:53,150 --> 00:34:55,020
interactions are. 
Obviously we don't know what 

748
00:34:55,070 --> 00:34:58,700
these interactions are, but 
define what it is that makes it 

749
00:34:58,710 --> 00:35:02,320
feel like bullying, what it is, 
how it impacts you and figure 

750
00:35:02,330 --> 00:35:06,850
out a way if there's boundaries 
you can put in place which may 

751
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:11,770
and probably will be not taken, 
well, that's never fun to have 

752
00:35:11,780 --> 00:35:13,760
boundaries put in place, but 
they are really important. 

753
00:35:13,770 --> 00:35:16,180
And I really believe that 
boundaries in the long run 

754
00:35:16,490 --> 00:35:18,120
benefit everybody. 
Yeah. 

755
00:35:18,470 --> 00:35:20,770
So whether your mother in law is
happy about the boundaries or 

756
00:35:20,780 --> 00:35:24,040
not is a different conversation,
but it's really not the deciding

757
00:35:24,050 --> 00:35:26,500
factor. 
But I do think in the long run, 

758
00:35:26,510 --> 00:35:29,940
if it helps make the 
relationship smoother, it's 

759
00:35:29,950 --> 00:35:33,420
really important. 
So in terms of what conversation

760
00:35:33,430 --> 00:35:35,610
or what steps to take, I think 
it's really important to be 

761
00:35:35,620 --> 00:35:39,460
clear with what you've 
experienced and with Pete and 

762
00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:41,340
say this behaviour is 
unacceptable. 

763
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:44,170
It's not just being with her 
that's unacceptable. 

764
00:35:44,180 --> 00:35:47,770
It's not just this random vague 
thing, it's this is what she's 

765
00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:50,370
been doing that's hurting me and
that's unacceptable. 

766
00:35:50,380 --> 00:35:53,590
So we need to actually put a 
safe boundary in place in that 

767
00:35:53,660 --> 00:35:55,780
regard. 
So once you're, when you're 

768
00:35:55,790 --> 00:35:57,840
having this conversation, you're
like, OK, where do we want to be

769
00:35:57,850 --> 00:36:00,790
in five years time as our own 
insular little family? 

770
00:36:00,860 --> 00:36:03,470
Where do we want to be? 
And part of that is going to 

771
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,890
include figuring out what you're
OK with and what you're not. 

772
00:36:05,900 --> 00:36:09,740
And we've had to put boundaries 
in place in every area of life, 

773
00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:12,250
Like we've had to put boundaries
in place because there are some 

774
00:36:12,260 --> 00:36:13,890
patterns that just are not 
healthy. 

775
00:36:13,900 --> 00:36:17,070
And it means that if not, if 
they go unaddressed, they're 

776
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:19,230
just gonna lead us further and 
further apart. 

777
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:21,750
And so this is a really 
important that if there's 

778
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:24,570
something that she, whatever is 
going on for her, that makes her

779
00:36:24,580 --> 00:36:28,260
bully you, which is a weird 
behaviour for an adult, there's 

780
00:36:28,270 --> 00:36:30,970
obviously something there. 
So either you know she's got 

781
00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:33,010
mental health stuff going on, 
either there's some kind of 

782
00:36:33,020 --> 00:36:36,550
dynamic tension, defensiveness, 
whatever is happening for her, 

783
00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:38,910
that's not a healthy behaviour 
and there doesn't need to be a 

784
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:40,890
boundary around that. 
And it actually will help in the

785
00:36:40,900 --> 00:36:43,090
long run, at least your insular 
family. 

786
00:36:43,100 --> 00:36:46,720
If not, yeah, to put that in 
place and and pay, I don't know.

787
00:36:46,730 --> 00:36:49,880
If you listen to this podcast, I
hope you do cause I hope you 

788
00:36:49,890 --> 00:36:53,520
guys can listen to this together
is is gonna take a lot of 

789
00:36:53,570 --> 00:36:57,300
breathing from you pretty much 
you know just to to hear and to 

790
00:36:57,310 --> 00:37:01,180
receive what Laura is feeling is
going to be really challenging 

791
00:37:01,190 --> 00:37:04,590
and it is you guys this could be
a real tense conversation for 

792
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:06,790
you. 
What I would love to encourage 

793
00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:11,320
you guys to do is just commit to
the journey of of trying to work

794
00:37:11,330 --> 00:37:13,360
this out. 
You probably you, I know you 

795
00:37:13,370 --> 00:37:15,130
won't work it out in one 
conversation. 

796
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:18,550
And when things do start to get 
heated, just pause and say let's

797
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:21,380
come back to this, take deep 
breaths, go for a walk, do all 

798
00:37:21,390 --> 00:37:24,150
those things that can help you 
calm down. 

799
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:26,850
Because if you're not already in
a good spot with communication, 

800
00:37:26,860 --> 00:37:30,930
hopefully this is the start of 
such a strong strength for you 

801
00:37:30,940 --> 00:37:32,990
guys to develop a strength of 
communication. 

802
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,510
So yeah, I would love to just 
encourage you guys to commit to 

803
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,600
the the journey, commit to 
listening and hearing each other

804
00:37:40,660 --> 00:37:44,170
and pausing when need to and 
just take that breath, move on, 

805
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:46,620
come back with another point. 
They just commit that you will 

806
00:37:46,630 --> 00:37:49,740
come back at another point and 
keep going forward with and 

807
00:37:49,750 --> 00:37:51,440
really exciting. 
To to see that. 

808
00:37:51,450 --> 00:37:53,880
It sounds like you guys have a 
pretty united relationship. 

809
00:37:53,890 --> 00:37:56,440
Yeah, apart from this issue. 
So that's awesome. 

810
00:37:56,530 --> 00:37:58,020
That's a huge foundation. 
Yeah. 

811
00:37:58,090 --> 00:38:00,140
And how great. 
For you to model that for your 

812
00:38:00,150 --> 00:38:02,950
kid 100%, that's that's the. 
Biggest influence for us is what

813
00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:06,080
we're modelling to our kids. 
And yeah, there's a lot of stuff

814
00:38:06,090 --> 00:38:08,700
we bring from our own childhood,
but that doesn't mean we have to

815
00:38:08,770 --> 00:38:10,900
just carry that on. 
I think we can be really 

816
00:38:10,910 --> 00:38:13,900
intentional what we want to 
carry on and if there is some 

817
00:38:13,910 --> 00:38:18,320
kind of anxious relationship, 
attachments, type, style thing 

818
00:38:18,330 --> 00:38:21,660
going on, breaking that for the 
sake of your children is really 

819
00:38:21,670 --> 00:38:22,980
important. 
Yeah, absolutely. 

820
00:38:22,990 --> 00:38:24,440
Working on it, breaking it, 
being in touch. 

821
00:38:24,450 --> 00:38:26,430
LL Cool, good. 
Alright, thank you so much. 

822
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:29,710
For writing in, that's awesome. 
That's the first write in hey 

823
00:38:30,870 --> 00:38:32,380
hey. 
Guys, just wanted to pop in and 

824
00:38:32,390 --> 00:38:35,340
take a SEC to talk about the 
extra content you can find over 

825
00:38:35,350 --> 00:38:37,580
on our Patreon and our Spotify 
subscription. 

826
00:38:37,670 --> 00:38:40,430
We have a fun little community 
growing over there with extra 

827
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,880
episodes, extra stories. 
We're also gonna have resources 

828
00:38:43,990 --> 00:38:47,830
messages back and forth and also
submitting listener stories 

829
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:51,690
through that portal as well, so.
Themes. 

830
00:38:51,700 --> 00:38:54,160
There's lots. 
To be gained If you want to be a

831
00:38:54,170 --> 00:38:57,520
part of our closer knit 
community here, honey, we need 

832
00:38:57,530 --> 00:38:59,820
to chat. 
Please hop on over to Patreon or

833
00:38:59,830 --> 00:39:02,310
Spotify Subscriptions and join 
us there. 

834
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:04,670
We would love to see you guys. 
Thanks. 

835
00:39:05,980 --> 00:39:08,290
And on to another one. 
This is actually not a written 

836
00:39:08,300 --> 00:39:11,930
in story. 
This is actually a shared real. 

837
00:39:12,070 --> 00:39:16,510
Yeah. 
But listeners, very, very loyal 

838
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:19,930
and faithful and helpful 
listeners sent us a real 

839
00:39:19,980 --> 00:39:22,070
following our episode about 
mental load. 

840
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:24,820
Really interesting real. 
And I'm just going to quickly 

841
00:39:24,830 --> 00:39:26,870
describe it. 
I've actually seen hundreds of 

842
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:29,130
them in the same exact vein. 
So it's not unique. 

843
00:39:29,140 --> 00:39:31,920
Glad you're going to explain it.
Because I'm like, I'm gonna 

844
00:39:31,930 --> 00:39:34,070
explain this. 
Yeah, yeah, I will explain. 

845
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,750
It basically it's a real and 
it's from the point of view of 

846
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:40,130
the man and it's comedic, is 
lighthearted and he said. 

847
00:39:40,140 --> 00:39:42,840
I think it was like POV, you 
have a wife or something like 

848
00:39:42,850 --> 00:39:46,310
that and it's her. 
What's POV mean? 

849
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:50,710
I'm a senior. 
Citizen, these days I'm not in 

850
00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:53,030
with the lingo. 
What did you just say? 

851
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:56,430
Before that, you're so old with 
technology OHS, OHS trying to 

852
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:59,370
take. 
A video of Bunny and I ended up 

853
00:39:59,380 --> 00:40:01,890
just taking two photos. 
The poster he just made about. 

854
00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:05,520
Bonnie, I heard him from the 
bathroom talking and I was like,

855
00:40:05,530 --> 00:40:08,040
oh, he's making a video. 
And then I heard him do it 

856
00:40:08,050 --> 00:40:09,020
again. 
So I thought it was just 

857
00:40:09,030 --> 00:40:12,530
freaking ohhhhh. 
No, he had just taken two photos

858
00:40:12,540 --> 00:40:16,490
instead. 
Anyway, POV means point of view.

859
00:40:16,620 --> 00:40:20,650
Yeah, and it's used on social 
media as like a this is the the 

860
00:40:20,660 --> 00:40:22,770
point of view to come to the 
video with. 

861
00:40:22,780 --> 00:40:25,990
So think about that. 
Yeah, so funny. 

862
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:30,200
Stuff from my POV POV. 
I have a wife part. 

863
00:40:30,210 --> 00:40:33,040
Is that kind of mean? 
Oh my gosh. 

864
00:40:33,130 --> 00:40:37,280
Well POV I've got a wife and 
it's from the POV of the husband

865
00:40:37,570 --> 00:40:41,320
basically it starts with he's 
like watching TV or something 

866
00:40:41,330 --> 00:40:45,300
and then she's like hey and he 
looks over at her and she's 

867
00:40:45,310 --> 00:40:46,400
like, can you please take out 
the vents? 

868
00:40:46,410 --> 00:40:48,640
No worries, give me 5 minutes, 
turns back to the TV and then he

869
00:40:48,650 --> 00:40:50,740
like turns back quickly to her 
and she's taking the rubbish 

870
00:40:50,750 --> 00:40:51,790
out. 
She's like that's fine I'll do 

871
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:53,400
it. 
And then she said can you 

872
00:40:53,410 --> 00:40:55,560
vacuum? 
And he goes to plug in the 

873
00:40:55,570 --> 00:40:56,720
vacuum. 
And then he turns back. 

874
00:40:56,730 --> 00:40:58,690
By the time he's plugged in the 
vacuum, he's doing it like, it's

875
00:40:58,700 --> 00:41:01,260
fine, I'll do it. 
And then she asked for a drink, 

876
00:41:01,370 --> 00:41:02,910
and he goes to get one out of 
the fridge. 

877
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:04,660
And then he brings it back to 
her and she's already gotten 

878
00:41:04,670 --> 00:41:05,320
herself one. 
It's. 

879
00:41:05,330 --> 00:41:06,740
It's funny. 
Yeah. 

880
00:41:07,210 --> 00:41:08,580
But it's common. 
Yeah. 

881
00:41:08,650 --> 00:41:12,630
And it was sent in by listeners 
as like a what do you think of 

882
00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:14,440
this type thing? 
Is that right? 

883
00:41:14,530 --> 00:41:16,160
Yeah, I think it. 
Was a bit of a joke. 

884
00:41:17,670 --> 00:41:18,920
I've just been. 
Talking about, yeah. 

885
00:41:18,930 --> 00:41:21,870
Mental load. 
But it was interesting because 

886
00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:25,120
straight away we had a quick 
chat about it and there's so 

887
00:41:25,130 --> 00:41:27,750
much that sits into that reel. 
Yeah, so, so much. 

888
00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:31,700
And from a really brief look, 
it's a funny video. 

889
00:41:31,710 --> 00:41:34,610
It's like, Oh yeah, this is 
definitely a dynamic that has 

890
00:41:34,620 --> 00:41:37,790
played out with us. 
Sometimes not too much, but 

891
00:41:37,850 --> 00:41:40,250
there have been things and 
usually like, she had a bit of 

892
00:41:40,260 --> 00:41:42,190
an attitude while she was doing 
her stuff, so you could tell 

893
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:43,310
she's like, it's fine, I'll do 
it. 

894
00:41:43,380 --> 00:41:46,270
Usually if I do something like 
this, I just actually can't be 

895
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:47,450
bothered waiting, so I'll just 
do it. 

896
00:41:47,460 --> 00:41:50,790
It's not not normally an 
attitude thing, but I think 

897
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:55,110
there would be so many reasons 
from a wife's perspective that 

898
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:57,390
you might just give up waiting 
for them to do something, even 

899
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,330
if it's only for 5 minutes. 
Yeah. 

900
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:04,130
And the first one that comes to 
mind is how often are you having

901
00:42:04,140 --> 00:42:06,190
to ask him to do this stuff? 
Yeah, yeah. 

902
00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:08,540
And why are you? 
Having to ask him to do this 

903
00:42:08,550 --> 00:42:10,790
stuff, it's asking in. 
The first place I think that 

904
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,610
gets me. 
And again, like, I know this was

905
00:42:12,620 --> 00:42:16,310
sent into a joke, so please 
don't get all up in arms that we

906
00:42:16,500 --> 00:42:17,990
it. 
Was a funny meme. 

907
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:22,550
But, but in the back of my head 
as well, because just seeing so 

908
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:25,580
many writings, comments, all 
this sort of stuff that is 

909
00:42:25,590 --> 00:42:29,270
revolved around this, yeah, it I
can't just have it as a joke 

910
00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:32,740
anymore because it's just so in 
our world now as topics. 

911
00:42:32,750 --> 00:42:35,440
And I think in the 1st place 
straight away I'm like, well 

912
00:42:35,450 --> 00:42:36,980
why? 
Yeah, why is she asking? 

913
00:42:36,990 --> 00:42:40,100
Like why would you even have to 
ask him to take out the rubbish?

914
00:42:40,110 --> 00:42:43,020
There's a difference between. 
I'm doing something right now 

915
00:42:43,030 --> 00:42:44,700
and there's something helpful 
you could do. 

916
00:42:44,810 --> 00:42:47,830
So bins, let's use bins. 
And example, I might be, I might

917
00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:50,500
be cleaning the kitchen and the 
bin is full and I know it needs 

918
00:42:50,510 --> 00:42:52,030
to go out. 
And if I say to you, hey, can 

919
00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:54,600
you take the bin out, that's 
because at that point and clean 

920
00:42:54,610 --> 00:42:56,370
the kitchen, it would be really 
helpful for the bin to be 

921
00:42:56,380 --> 00:42:57,730
cleaned as well. 
It's not something that you 

922
00:42:57,740 --> 00:42:59,140
should have known I needed you 
to do. 

923
00:42:59,150 --> 00:43:00,630
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
It's something. 

924
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:01,800
I'm saying. 
Neutrally. 

925
00:43:01,900 --> 00:43:04,130
OK Can you do that for me? 
Because I'm doing the kitchen, 

926
00:43:04,220 --> 00:43:06,690
Yeah. 
If you said yeah just give me 5 

927
00:43:06,700 --> 00:43:08,910
minutes, fine. 
If you said give me 5 minutes 

928
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,810
and then you didn't do it, 
that's a bit annoying, having to

929
00:43:11,820 --> 00:43:13,430
be your mom a little bit and be 
like, hey, can you take it? 

930
00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:16,570
I probably would have just done 
it, to be honest by the time it 

931
00:43:16,580 --> 00:43:20,420
got to me realising you hadn't. 
But there have been times where 

932
00:43:20,430 --> 00:43:23,610
the bin is overflowing and I 
have said can you do bins? 

933
00:43:23,620 --> 00:43:26,900
And then it hasn't been one 
that's more of like a I 

934
00:43:26,910 --> 00:43:29,110
shouldn't have had to have asked
you to do bins. 

935
00:43:29,250 --> 00:43:33,130
And I need to be really clear. 
We are equals in cleaning. 

936
00:43:33,140 --> 00:43:35,990
Like, I'm not like the one that 
does all the cleaning and you 

937
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:37,550
don't do it. 
This is not a normal thing. 

938
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:40,470
Just to give Blair some. 
Yeah, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna. 

939
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:43,610
Look bad and no, this is not. 
A normal thing, but but if I had

940
00:43:43,620 --> 00:43:46,550
asked you to do it and you still
didn't do it, and you should 

941
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:49,070
have actually noticed that the 
bin was full and just done it 

942
00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:51,790
yourself because you're a part 
of the family, that's 

943
00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:55,140
exhausting. 
And again, with the mental load,

944
00:43:55,150 --> 00:43:58,330
like the that's one tiny thing. 
Then you think about all the 

945
00:43:58,340 --> 00:44:00,610
other things that this person 
might have on their head that 

946
00:44:00,620 --> 00:44:03,430
they're then having to navigate.
And so, yes, it might be kind of

947
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:06,080
funny, but it's actually not 
that funny when it's also the 

948
00:44:06,090 --> 00:44:09,480
bin, the bathroom, the toilet 
paper, the groceries, the kids 

949
00:44:09,490 --> 00:44:10,820
stuff. 
It's that's not very funny. 

950
00:44:10,830 --> 00:44:12,240
It's actually just really 
exhausting. 

951
00:44:12,250 --> 00:44:14,620
Yeah. 
I think the other thing as well 

952
00:44:14,630 --> 00:44:16,920
is looking at the patterns in 
the family. 

953
00:44:17,030 --> 00:44:21,360
So if you are sitting on the 
couch watching TV or scrolling 

954
00:44:21,370 --> 00:44:23,760
on your phone and I've been 
cleaning for an hour and I ask 

955
00:44:23,770 --> 00:44:25,920
you to do something, I might be 
a little frustrated. 

956
00:44:25,980 --> 00:44:27,580
Yeah. 
Like, and not that that's 

957
00:44:27,590 --> 00:44:30,890
necessarily fair, because just 
because I choose to clean at 

958
00:44:30,900 --> 00:44:32,540
that point doesn't mean you need
to. 

959
00:44:32,620 --> 00:44:34,920
Yeah, yeah. 
But if that's a regular rhythm 

960
00:44:34,930 --> 00:44:38,800
in the family where one person 
is doing all this stuff and 

961
00:44:38,810 --> 00:44:42,750
you're just watching TV because 
you want to after a while, 

962
00:44:42,810 --> 00:44:45,790
again, that's exhausting. 
Yeah, that's a really out of 

963
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:46,850
balancing. 
Hmm. 

964
00:44:46,900 --> 00:44:49,560
So I think looking at the 
rhythm, the natural rhythms that

965
00:44:49,570 --> 00:44:52,320
happen in your family and being 
like, is this something I 

966
00:44:52,330 --> 00:44:53,930
actually normally do while she's
cleaning? 

967
00:44:54,020 --> 00:44:55,730
That's important. 
That's maybe why she's 

968
00:44:55,740 --> 00:44:59,040
frustrated here. 
Is a joke a lot too, Like, oh, I

969
00:44:59,050 --> 00:45:01,380
just need to get the dishes done
before I get in trouble, like 

970
00:45:01,390 --> 00:45:03,890
from a lovely guys. 
And this is funny, like a 

971
00:45:03,900 --> 00:45:08,200
genuinely laugh every time, but 
I'm like at the same time with 

972
00:45:08,210 --> 00:45:08,920
dishes. 
Man. 

973
00:45:09,010 --> 00:45:10,270
Why do you think? 
Because. 

974
00:45:10,280 --> 00:45:12,660
You guys are capable. 
Yeah, like you are such a 

975
00:45:12,670 --> 00:45:15,920
capable person. 
Yeah, I just, I honestly baffles

976
00:45:15,930 --> 00:45:18,040
me a little bit. 
Cause for one thing, there's 

977
00:45:18,170 --> 00:45:21,240
roles within a family, and so 
you'll fall into natural roles. 

978
00:45:21,250 --> 00:45:23,620
Some will be kind of really 
traditional, some will be a bit 

979
00:45:23,630 --> 00:45:25,540
more like equal, whatever you 
want to call it. 

980
00:45:25,550 --> 00:45:28,550
But someone might be working 
full time, someone might be home

981
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:31,960
with the kids. 
So I can understand why tasks 

982
00:45:31,970 --> 00:45:36,000
would fall under that. 
What I can't understand is the 

983
00:45:36,010 --> 00:45:40,730
household care all falling to 
one person or the response like 

984
00:45:40,740 --> 00:45:44,260
this person before was saying it
being that person's 

985
00:45:44,270 --> 00:45:46,530
responsibility and the other 
person as a helper. 

986
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:48,310
I just don't understand that 
dynamic. 

987
00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:50,930
Yeah, No. 
And I think it's again, it's 

988
00:45:50,940 --> 00:45:52,300
ends the conversation too, 
right? 

989
00:45:52,310 --> 00:45:56,090
Because I don't think we ever 
really struggled with that. 

990
00:45:56,100 --> 00:45:57,930
I'm trying to think what you 
were living out. 

991
00:45:57,940 --> 00:46:01,260
Of home before we get together. 
I'll be out. 

992
00:46:01,270 --> 00:46:04,300
Of home since I was 16. 
So I've I'm used to looking 

993
00:46:04,310 --> 00:46:06,860
after myself and and whatever 
else I think there are blind 

994
00:46:06,870 --> 00:46:10,160
spots for. 
People and unfortunately they 

995
00:46:10,170 --> 00:46:14,680
can go unaddressed. 
Yeah, I don't think it's a bad 

996
00:46:14,690 --> 00:46:17,100
thing that there is a blind spot
in the initial part. 

997
00:46:17,550 --> 00:46:21,160
I don't think it's a bad thing 
that one partner has to identify

998
00:46:21,210 --> 00:46:24,870
a blind spot to their partner 
and say, hey, this is tough. 

999
00:46:25,070 --> 00:46:27,040
Can you help me with this? 
I don't think that's a bad 

1000
00:46:27,050 --> 00:46:28,660
thing. 
That's going to happen from both

1001
00:46:28,670 --> 00:46:31,540
sides all the time. 
I think it is really 

1002
00:46:31,550 --> 00:46:34,440
disappointing. 
One that has been identified and

1003
00:46:34,450 --> 00:46:38,440
it is either faced with 
criticism or complaint. 

1004
00:46:38,450 --> 00:46:40,480
Whininess. 
Yeah, like from an adult. 

1005
00:46:40,490 --> 00:46:44,020
Yeah, come on. 
Or it's just ignored, It's not 

1006
00:46:44,030 --> 00:46:46,040
addressed, or you may feel like 
you. 

1007
00:46:46,050 --> 00:46:48,260
Made to feel stupid? 
Yeah, yeah, something. 

1008
00:46:48,270 --> 00:46:50,180
Now you're here. 
You going about that? 

1009
00:46:50,190 --> 00:46:52,940
Yeah, it's a very strange. 
Thing, Yeah. 

1010
00:46:53,010 --> 00:46:55,840
And I don't think that's fair. 
So I think addressing issues 

1011
00:46:55,850 --> 00:47:00,890
that are an issue is a teamwork 
thing like we've spoken about 

1012
00:47:00,900 --> 00:47:03,490
many times on the podcast. 
If you have a problem, you need 

1013
00:47:03,500 --> 00:47:05,030
to be able to communicate that 
to your partner. 

1014
00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:06,890
Yeah, that needs to be the first
step. 

1015
00:47:06,900 --> 00:47:08,930
It's your responsibility till 
that's communicated. 

1016
00:47:09,600 --> 00:47:13,190
Once that's communicated, it 
needs to become the collective 

1017
00:47:13,350 --> 00:47:16,430
responsibility and that partner 
needs to buy into that. 

1018
00:47:16,500 --> 00:47:18,170
Yeah, yeah. 
Because if your team that's 

1019
00:47:18,180 --> 00:47:24,510
working to be a unified couple, 
a unified family is not going to

1020
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:28,370
be constructive to have those 
things, Lenny, on one person, 

1021
00:47:28,420 --> 00:47:31,090
Yeah, I don't know why it is a. 
Lot of guys struggle with this 

1022
00:47:31,100 --> 00:47:33,230
sort of stuff. 
I don't have the answer but if 

1023
00:47:33,240 --> 00:47:35,410
someone was struggling with 
that, how would you approach it?

1024
00:47:35,720 --> 00:47:36,890
I would have a conversation 
about. 

1025
00:47:36,900 --> 00:47:39,470
Mental load, I'd say. 
I know it doesn't look, I know 

1026
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,150
it's not in your face. 
It's not clear. 

1027
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:43,550
It's not obvious that I'm 
carrying a lot, but there is a 

1028
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:45,890
lot of things that I'm carrying 
and I'm really struggling. 

1029
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:49,190
So I need to talk about this. 
Yeah, I would use the tick tocks

1030
00:47:49,200 --> 00:47:50,930
and reels that we've made as 
excuses. 

1031
00:47:50,940 --> 00:47:53,730
They found this podcast talking 
about this thing. 

1032
00:47:54,180 --> 00:47:57,830
Look at this video. 
It's a new Concept 1. 

1033
00:47:57,890 --> 00:48:00,100
And I would be like. 
This is something I've never 

1034
00:48:00,110 --> 00:48:01,870
really thought about. 
I haven't had words for it, but 

1035
00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:03,720
this is something that I 
struggle with, yeah. 

1036
00:48:03,790 --> 00:48:07,400
And because I've got all these 
little pieces floating around, I

1037
00:48:07,410 --> 00:48:11,100
have to keep balancing. 
I need a little bit of help and 

1038
00:48:11,110 --> 00:48:14,260
I think that what would. 
Be bad is if you then put like 

1039
00:48:14,270 --> 00:48:16,920
push that on the guy, I think 
they would shut down. 

1040
00:48:16,970 --> 00:48:20,240
From what I've observed, if 
something's dumped on a guy, 

1041
00:48:20,250 --> 00:48:24,200
majority of the time the guy 
will shut down and and they'll 

1042
00:48:24,210 --> 00:48:26,440
get overwhelmed. 
So a lot of things that guys 

1043
00:48:26,450 --> 00:48:30,710
operate like responses that have
insecurities, but I think we go 

1044
00:48:30,720 --> 00:48:34,330
silent, we go inwards, we shut 
down and it's like we don't 

1045
00:48:34,340 --> 00:48:36,730
care. 
I don't think that's true. 

1046
00:48:36,820 --> 00:48:40,210
I think it's actually more down 
to insecurities and overwhelmed 

1047
00:48:40,220 --> 00:48:43,750
Ness or whatever else because we
haven't been brought up how to 

1048
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:46,000
deal with emotions, deal with 
stress. 

1049
00:48:46,010 --> 00:48:48,680
Still we don't get taught, we 
get told to suck it up and push 

1050
00:48:48,690 --> 00:48:50,730
through it. 
So when something gets brought 

1051
00:48:50,740 --> 00:48:53,490
to us, it's I think we shut 
down. 

1052
00:48:53,500 --> 00:48:55,630
I think that's that's just our 
natural response. 

1053
00:48:55,680 --> 00:48:58,210
I don't think there's going to 
be a guy that's happy with 

1054
00:48:58,340 --> 00:49:00,340
letting their partner just go 
around the house and doing 

1055
00:49:00,350 --> 00:49:02,340
everything for them and being 
the mum of the house. 

1056
00:49:02,350 --> 00:49:04,220
I don't think guys are, I don't 
know. 

1057
00:49:04,230 --> 00:49:07,280
But if if that's you suck it up 
mate, you gotta do something 

1058
00:49:07,290 --> 00:49:09,280
about it. 
But I don't think most guys 

1059
00:49:09,290 --> 00:49:11,460
would be happy with that. 
They do struggle with that. 

1060
00:49:12,330 --> 00:49:15,240
I, you know, we we spoke about, 
we've spoken a few times about 

1061
00:49:15,250 --> 00:49:17,940
how when you're exhausted or you
don't know how to do something 

1062
00:49:17,950 --> 00:49:19,840
and you shut down like you've 
spoken. 

1063
00:49:19,850 --> 00:49:22,170
You know you did the dishes 
today for the first time in in 

1064
00:49:22,180 --> 00:49:24,270
three days, right. 
Cause I didn't help, you know, 

1065
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:27,180
just to be clear. 
So I was struggling too to keep 

1066
00:49:27,190 --> 00:49:29,580
on top with all the mess. 
And you were saying how you're 

1067
00:49:29,590 --> 00:49:33,290
so tired and you kind of just 
shut down and you just, you kind

1068
00:49:33,300 --> 00:49:35,390
of become incapable of doing 
things. 

1069
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:37,650
Like people do become incapable 
of doing things. 

1070
00:49:37,660 --> 00:49:41,270
I think that's actually more 
common for guys because we don't

1071
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:43,980
work through stuff. 
I see there's a lot with dads 

1072
00:49:43,990 --> 00:49:47,570
with work we we shut down dad. 
Like a lot of dads disconnect. 

1073
00:49:47,580 --> 00:49:50,260
They retreat, they'll move away,
they'll leave. 

1074
00:49:50,270 --> 00:49:52,610
You know what I mean? 
Because it's it's the fight or 

1075
00:49:52,620 --> 00:49:55,150
flight response, because they 
just don't know how to 

1076
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:57,580
communicate, They don't know how
to process than what they're 

1077
00:49:57,590 --> 00:49:59,420
feeling. 
I don't think they're. 

1078
00:49:59,500 --> 00:50:02,820
Bringing is on the side of the 
man in terms of teaching them. 

1079
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:05,960
I mean, I've talked about the 
collective upbringing, generally

1080
00:50:05,970 --> 00:50:09,570
speaking, in terms of teaching 
them how to naturally fall into 

1081
00:50:09,580 --> 00:50:12,830
these places. 
But hearing you say that sounds 

1082
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:15,080
exhausting from a woman's 
perspective, Absolutely. 

1083
00:50:15,090 --> 00:50:18,120
Hearing that and be like, OK, so
now not only do I have, I'm not.

1084
00:50:18,130 --> 00:50:19,420
So now I'm feeling super 
clarity. 

1085
00:50:19,430 --> 00:50:22,340
But yeah, not only do I have to 
do all this stuff, I also then 

1086
00:50:22,350 --> 00:50:25,740
have to like pussy foot around 
my husband when I talk about it 

1087
00:50:25,910 --> 00:50:28,060
so that he doesn't feel 
overwhelmed kind of thing. 

1088
00:50:28,070 --> 00:50:29,620
I can imagine that being a 
reaction. 

1089
00:50:29,630 --> 00:50:31,490
Like, yeah, OK, you get 
overwhelmed. 

1090
00:50:31,580 --> 00:50:34,450
But I'm doing everything so, 
like, so now I have to take on 

1091
00:50:34,460 --> 00:50:36,390
board. 
You're overwhelmed in in 

1092
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:39,380
navigating it as well. 
And I can imagine that that 

1093
00:50:39,390 --> 00:50:42,910
would be exhausting. 
So I think it's 100%. 

1094
00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:46,190
As we've talked about before, 
when you come to an issue, it's 

1095
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:47,990
really important to know who 
you're addressing. 

1096
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:49,850
It's really important to know 
what the goal of the 

1097
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:51,130
conversation is. 
Yeah. 

1098
00:50:51,200 --> 00:50:53,720
So if your goal is to be 
constructive, your goal is to be

1099
00:50:53,730 --> 00:50:56,430
a team at the end, and you know 
that your husband or your 

1100
00:50:56,440 --> 00:50:59,250
partner is not something that 
his natural at or their natural 

1101
00:50:59,260 --> 00:51:00,380
at. 
I want to make it more general 

1102
00:51:00,480 --> 00:51:02,710
and just men and women too, 
because I know this would always

1103
00:51:02,720 --> 00:51:05,190
fall into this category. 
You need to think about how you 

1104
00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:07,600
want the conversation to go and 
address it in all It's gonna be 

1105
00:51:07,610 --> 00:51:09,540
constructive. 
Yeah, it is exhausting. 

1106
00:51:09,630 --> 00:51:11,780
Yeah, that is not easy. 
No, there you go. 

1107
00:51:11,790 --> 00:51:14,190
Probably more. 
Speaking to the guys that listen

1108
00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:17,660
to this episode more than the 
women is helping us to 

1109
00:51:17,670 --> 00:51:20,880
understand why do we shut down, 
You know, I mean, why do we 

1110
00:51:20,890 --> 00:51:22,730
respond that way? 
And I think there's still a 

1111
00:51:22,740 --> 00:51:26,160
responsibility for the couple to
ask that question as well, 100 

1112
00:51:26,170 --> 00:51:27,450
So it's not ask the question. 
Yeah. 

1113
00:51:27,460 --> 00:51:28,740
Yeah. 
So it's not so. 

1114
00:51:28,750 --> 00:51:29,620
It was me. 
It was. 

1115
00:51:29,630 --> 00:51:32,590
It's good for you to know that. 
That's how I respond. 

1116
00:51:32,660 --> 00:51:36,190
By shutting down doesn't mean 
now you don't talk to me about 

1117
00:51:36,200 --> 00:51:37,850
stuff. 
And he's gonna navigate the 

1118
00:51:37,860 --> 00:51:39,830
conversation that we have and 
the way that we have it. 

1119
00:51:39,840 --> 00:51:41,470
Yeah, right. 
Yeah, that's what. 

1120
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:42,170
That was. 
Probably more. 

1121
00:51:42,180 --> 00:51:45,040
My point is if you just come to 
me and say you're not doing 

1122
00:51:45,050 --> 00:51:46,810
enough around the house, you're 
doing this, you don't know you 

1123
00:51:46,820 --> 00:51:49,990
doing this, you do not, I'm 
gonna shut down and that's not 

1124
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:52,400
OK. 
I'm not excusing that reaction, 

1125
00:51:52,410 --> 00:51:54,870
but I'm saying that that is a 
reaction that a lot of guys will

1126
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:57,330
have. 
So what I'm trying to encourage 

1127
00:51:57,340 --> 00:51:59,130
is bring that into the 
conversation. 

1128
00:51:59,190 --> 00:52:01,930
The way that might react feel 
like a lot of the things we talk

1129
00:52:01,940 --> 00:52:04,720
about. 
Can we hear about how, oh, my, 

1130
00:52:04,810 --> 00:52:07,200
my, my husband would never talk 
like that, I could never have 

1131
00:52:07,210 --> 00:52:09,400
this conversation with my 
partner and so forth. 

1132
00:52:09,410 --> 00:52:12,860
I I genuinely think because guys
don't know how to, you know? 

1133
00:52:12,870 --> 00:52:16,240
And that's so important to bring
into this conversation because 

1134
00:52:16,330 --> 00:52:19,450
we're trying to build a 
community that is intentional 

1135
00:52:19,460 --> 00:52:22,760
about working on communication. 
Guys, We really need to 

1136
00:52:22,770 --> 00:52:25,760
understand and be reflective of 
ourselves. 

1137
00:52:25,770 --> 00:52:28,680
Why do we respond our way? 
Why do we shut down? 

1138
00:52:28,690 --> 00:52:32,060
Why do we not clean? 
You know, that's a question we 

1139
00:52:32,070 --> 00:52:34,780
have to be asking themselves but
don't let it overwhelm us. 

1140
00:52:34,790 --> 00:52:36,820
Just be a game. 
What we said before, yes. 

1141
00:52:36,830 --> 00:52:40,060
Yeah, just what we said before 
with Alora like commit to the 

1142
00:52:40,070 --> 00:52:42,820
growth, you know, like just be 
curious. 

1143
00:52:42,830 --> 00:52:48,170
Be aware, unpack that and and 
and ladies like I, I just want 

1144
00:52:48,180 --> 00:52:52,460
to encourage you create that 
safe space for your partner to 

1145
00:52:52,470 --> 00:52:54,600
explore that. 
I don't want to excuse any 

1146
00:52:54,610 --> 00:52:56,820
behaviour, but just create the 
safe space. 

1147
00:52:56,830 --> 00:52:59,240
Be intentional gang. 
I just see it so many times with

1148
00:52:59,250 --> 00:53:02,650
guys I'm working a lot with, 
with dads and there's just a big

1149
00:53:02,660 --> 00:53:03,680
thing that we just struggle 
with. 

1150
00:53:03,690 --> 00:53:05,630
How do we do that? 
Have we worked through that? 

1151
00:53:05,700 --> 00:53:07,670
How we grow? 
I think it's. 

1152
00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:10,120
Really important in your 
relationship to be having 

1153
00:53:10,130 --> 00:53:12,410
conversations about how each of 
you work. 

1154
00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:15,110
Yeah. 
Why each of you work the ways 

1155
00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:17,050
that you work. 
Learning about each other. 

1156
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:19,230
Having that attitude of 
curiosity so that when you do 

1157
00:53:19,240 --> 00:53:21,910
come to issues like this, it's 
not a matter of not only are we 

1158
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:23,920
not navigating the problem, 
we're also now having to 

1159
00:53:23,930 --> 00:53:26,050
navigate who you are and who you
are. 

1160
00:53:26,060 --> 00:53:29,330
Yeah, yeah. 
The trap that I hear in that is 

1161
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:33,170
if a man is like we shut down 
when we when we're faced with 

1162
00:53:33,180 --> 00:53:35,010
these things and that seeks 
stent of it. 

1163
00:53:35,130 --> 00:53:36,360
And I love what you've just 
said. 

1164
00:53:36,370 --> 00:53:38,690
I love what you just said. 
It isn't like the onus is on 

1165
00:53:38,700 --> 00:53:40,300
that man to understand 
themselves. 

1166
00:53:40,490 --> 00:53:42,660
But if you've had to bring the 
same thing up three or four or 

1167
00:53:42,670 --> 00:53:46,870
five times, coming at it really 
gently is obviously not being 

1168
00:53:46,880 --> 00:53:48,800
effective. 
As in sometimes you do have to 

1169
00:53:48,810 --> 00:53:50,590
be a bit more like, I need this 
from you. 

1170
00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:52,710
I've thought this up. 
What's happening? 

1171
00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:55,280
What's happening for you? 
But I would also say like. 

1172
00:53:55,290 --> 00:53:59,630
The Yes, it would be tiring, but
it's not like it's easily see 

1173
00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:01,900
that as a response of like, you 
know, why would I bother 

1174
00:54:01,910 --> 00:54:03,430
bringing this up with him? 
It's too tiring. 

1175
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:04,840
Yeah, yeah. 
And falling into bitterness. 

1176
00:54:04,850 --> 00:54:06,460
Exactly. 
And that's that's the other. 

1177
00:54:06,530 --> 00:54:10,010
Side of the Trump and I think 
what we we've been saying in 

1178
00:54:10,020 --> 00:54:12,840
this episode especially is that 
it is hard. 

1179
00:54:13,310 --> 00:54:16,280
It is a commitment and it is 
tiring. 

1180
00:54:16,330 --> 00:54:19,990
You know especially early days I
had to really learn how to talk 

1181
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:21,830
with you cause I'm blunt, right.
Yeah. 

1182
00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:26,630
And and I would hurt you It was 
so exhausting and tiring and to 

1183
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:29,690
feel like think of every word 
that came out of my mouth. 

1184
00:54:29,740 --> 00:54:31,690
It was so hard then and still is
now. 

1185
00:54:31,700 --> 00:54:34,270
Like I mean we again we we were 
still working on the way that 

1186
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:38,990
our communicate and stuff but 
it's worth that it's a good 

1187
00:54:39,000 --> 00:54:39,650
struggle. 
It's a. 

1188
00:54:39,660 --> 00:54:42,910
Good struggle to have. 
So diving out the other clinging

1189
00:54:42,920 --> 00:54:44,310
to make and if I had been in 
that. 

1190
00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:46,410
Situation when we were learning 
that stuff. 

1191
00:54:46,420 --> 00:54:48,150
If I've just been like, yeah, 
well, I just get mad when you 

1192
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:49,510
talk to me like that. 
I get mad. 

1193
00:54:49,520 --> 00:54:51,410
I shut down. 
Oh yeah, It's never an excuse. 

1194
00:54:51,420 --> 00:54:52,700
No I'm I'm not saying that's 
what you. 

1195
00:54:52,710 --> 00:54:55,140
Saying just example, like 
following that example through, 

1196
00:54:55,150 --> 00:54:57,230
if I was like, yeah, that's how 
I am, I get, I get triggered 

1197
00:54:57,240 --> 00:54:59,570
when you talk like that. 
And I never took time to be 

1198
00:54:59,580 --> 00:55:02,530
like, why do I get so triggered?
Yeah, instead of you just be 

1199
00:55:02,540 --> 00:55:04,530
like, OK, I know she's triggered
when I talk like this. 

1200
00:55:04,540 --> 00:55:05,750
I know she's triggered when I 
talk this. 

1201
00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:08,550
I'm gonna just like dodge those 
things or I'm not going to bring

1202
00:55:08,560 --> 00:55:12,110
up anything in that category. 
It's a conversation of like, us 

1203
00:55:12,180 --> 00:55:14,840
bringing that out, me being 
curious about myself being like 

1204
00:55:14,850 --> 00:55:16,900
why am I so triggered so that I 
can be like, I think I'm 

1205
00:55:16,910 --> 00:55:19,810
triggered because I feel like 
when you say stuff like that, 

1206
00:55:19,820 --> 00:55:23,240
you're criticising me or I feel 
like because of this experience,

1207
00:55:23,250 --> 00:55:25,060
this makes me think this kind of
thing. 

1208
00:55:25,120 --> 00:55:27,820
It needs to be a constant 
conversation, yeah. 

1209
00:55:27,830 --> 00:55:31,140
It needs to be constant 
curiosity about yourself 1st and

1210
00:55:31,150 --> 00:55:35,580
about your partnership, the 
dynamics together 2nd, and then 

1211
00:55:35,590 --> 00:55:36,950
how you can work through that as
well. 

1212
00:55:36,960 --> 00:55:41,200
Because you can fall into one 
partner is carrying the load of 

1213
00:55:41,210 --> 00:55:44,020
figuring that out, but they're 
also of getting the buy in of 

1214
00:55:44,030 --> 00:55:45,830
the other partner. 
So if you had been carrying that

1215
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:48,150
load of figuring out how to 
communicate to me, but I hadn't 

1216
00:55:48,160 --> 00:55:51,960
been exploring that for myself 
as well, yeah, you would not be 

1217
00:55:51,970 --> 00:55:54,400
in, you'd be in a better place. 
You'd be in a place where you're

1218
00:55:54,410 --> 00:55:56,700
avoiding all the things that 
trigger me because you know they

1219
00:55:56,710 --> 00:55:59,280
trigger, but you've got no 
conversation. 

1220
00:55:59,450 --> 00:56:04,210
The heart of all of this is both
partners need to input into 

1221
00:56:04,220 --> 00:56:06,140
their marriage, into their 
partnership. 

1222
00:56:06,390 --> 00:56:09,100
They have to input. 
Like, you can't have one partner

1223
00:56:09,110 --> 00:56:11,820
being like, we should work on 
this, we should work on this for

1224
00:56:11,830 --> 00:56:14,290
the rest of your life. 
It's just not gonna work. 

1225
00:56:14,360 --> 00:56:16,390
It's not gonna work because 
either you end up, you stay 

1226
00:56:16,400 --> 00:56:19,470
together and you're just in 
really bitter, separate places, 

1227
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:21,550
or you don't stay together, 
things fall apart. 

1228
00:56:21,560 --> 00:56:23,810
It doesn't work. 
It doesn't not work that way. 

1229
00:56:23,860 --> 00:56:26,910
And so at the core of it, these 
conversations are important 

1230
00:56:26,920 --> 00:56:31,040
because we're figuring out how 
we can be a team in this, and 

1231
00:56:31,050 --> 00:56:33,230
that's why. 
That's like, seriously, my heart

1232
00:56:33,240 --> 00:56:37,830
behind this podcast, man. 
I I really want guys to step up.

1233
00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:41,250
Like I really, really do. 
I really want guys to be 

1234
00:56:41,260 --> 00:56:44,360
invested, passionate about 
growing. 

1235
00:56:44,410 --> 00:56:48,480
Yeah, as as men, but also as 
partners. 

1236
00:56:48,490 --> 00:56:51,700
You know, like in investing in 
what it means to be in a 

1237
00:56:51,710 --> 00:56:53,720
relationship. 
I was thinking about this 

1238
00:56:53,780 --> 00:56:55,630
recently. 
There's a lot of stuff coming at

1239
00:56:55,640 --> 00:56:58,990
the moment about how bringing 
masculinity back, right, and see

1240
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:00,860
it around. 
And then what it is, is pretty 

1241
00:57:00,870 --> 00:57:03,190
much like, oh, I'm teaching my 
boys how to fix a car. 

1242
00:57:03,200 --> 00:57:05,340
I'm teaching them how to fish 
and camp and all that sort of 

1243
00:57:05,350 --> 00:57:06,710
stuff. 
I'm like, alright, cool, I'm 

1244
00:57:06,720 --> 00:57:09,040
going to teach my kids that sort
of stuff as well. 

1245
00:57:09,190 --> 00:57:12,360
But for me, I'm like, alright, 
well partly you're missing is 

1246
00:57:12,530 --> 00:57:13,620
OK. 
Cool. 

1247
00:57:13,630 --> 00:57:16,470
Fix a car mega meal. 
Go fishing. 

1248
00:57:16,520 --> 00:57:19,010
Love your wife. 
Like where's those lessons 

1249
00:57:19,020 --> 00:57:20,810
coming in for? 
For masculinity. 

1250
00:57:20,820 --> 00:57:24,650
Why is masculinity have to be 
the the rough and tumble stuff? 

1251
00:57:24,700 --> 00:57:28,150
Why kind of be how to look after
your household. 

1252
00:57:28,160 --> 00:57:29,670
How do you look after your 
partner. 

1253
00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:34,270
I want this from my boys and I 
know that I can't teach my boys 

1254
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:39,950
this without you. 
I need their mum to help me to 

1255
00:57:39,960 --> 00:57:44,810
teach our boys how to treat 
their future partners and for 

1256
00:57:44,820 --> 00:57:48,590
our daughter to not settle for 
anything less than what we can 

1257
00:57:48,600 --> 00:57:49,780
model for her and teach her. 
Do. 

1258
00:57:49,790 --> 00:57:52,090
You know, I mean, like, but I 
can't do that on my own. 

1259
00:57:52,100 --> 00:57:55,270
We have to do that together. 
And I don't know what the study 

1260
00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:57,150
is. 
It's around like 50% of 

1261
00:57:57,160 --> 00:58:01,870
marriages end in divorce, right?
And if we can't be intentional, 

1262
00:58:01,960 --> 00:58:04,430
you know we're not perfect at 
this. 

1263
00:58:04,440 --> 00:58:06,490
We are not perfect at 
communication. 

1264
00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:09,750
We're wanting to get better 
because we see the value in it. 

1265
00:58:09,880 --> 00:58:12,160
We don't want to be another one 
of those 50% that ended in 

1266
00:58:12,170 --> 00:58:13,990
divorce. 
We don't want our boys grow up 

1267
00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:16,080
and mistreat women. 
We don't want our daughter to 

1268
00:58:16,090 --> 00:58:18,720
settle with whatever guy finds 
her interesting. 

1269
00:58:18,730 --> 00:58:21,760
We wanted to find a man that's 
gonna look after her, care for 

1270
00:58:21,770 --> 00:58:23,820
her and partner with her in the 
future. 

1271
00:58:23,830 --> 00:58:25,480
And we want our boys to do the 
same. 

1272
00:58:25,550 --> 00:58:28,200
So we need to be on the same 
page in our relationship to 

1273
00:58:28,210 --> 00:58:31,320
model to our kids on what that 
looks like. 

1274
00:58:31,390 --> 00:58:34,340
Yeah, and it's not. 
Because you should do this. 

1275
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,940
Because it's hard work and you 
should do hard work. 

1276
00:58:37,010 --> 00:58:39,470
It's not. 
It's because it is beautiful. 

1277
00:58:40,370 --> 00:58:44,210
The harmony of working together 
and being unified and being a 

1278
00:58:44,220 --> 00:58:49,110
team, and it is beautiful, is it
is so life giving. 

1279
00:58:49,120 --> 00:58:50,970
Yeah. 
And it's worth it. 

1280
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:54,530
And I genuinely, when I see 
couples that fall into this 

1281
00:58:54,540 --> 00:58:58,470
dynamic, it makes me heartbroken
because they aren't experiencing

1282
00:58:58,480 --> 00:59:01,650
that beauty. 
And so for if it's the guy 

1283
00:59:01,720 --> 00:59:04,990
that's just not connecting and 
just not stepping up in that 

1284
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:06,630
space, he's actually missing 
out. 

1285
00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:09,310
He's actually missing out. 
If that is you, you're actually 

1286
00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:11,710
missing out. 
And it's not that hard to start 

1287
00:59:11,720 --> 00:59:14,230
moving this direction. 
It's actually small little steps

1288
00:59:14,300 --> 00:59:17,840
other time it's not a massive 
big task in one big go it's it's

1289
00:59:17,850 --> 00:59:21,860
a small like adjustment so that 
in five years time you are more 

1290
00:59:21,870 --> 00:59:24,330
in that harmonious space. 
In 10 years time you are more in

1291
00:59:24,340 --> 00:59:27,830
that harmonious space and you 
can do it This thought about 

1292
00:59:27,840 --> 00:59:28,700
the. 
Video, Right. 

1293
00:59:28,950 --> 00:59:32,060
OK, so to round it up, because 
we've covered a bit the video, 

1294
00:59:32,070 --> 00:59:33,940
but it was funny, right? 
Just to be clear. 

1295
00:59:34,170 --> 00:59:37,780
But I think it just captures a 
lot of our heart behind what 

1296
00:59:37,790 --> 00:59:40,360
we're trying to do here. 
Emphasise the teamwork, 

1297
00:59:40,370 --> 00:59:43,740
emphasise the intentionality 
that came from a male 

1298
00:59:43,750 --> 00:59:46,760
perspective. 
I like, I know there's a lot of 

1299
00:59:46,770 --> 00:59:49,020
great guys out there and you 
doing an awesome job. 

1300
00:59:49,070 --> 00:59:52,130
Yeah, but I know there's a lot 
of guys that are struggling with

1301
00:59:52,140 --> 00:59:54,440
this and what I wanna do is not 
shame. 

1302
00:59:54,450 --> 00:59:57,340
You wanna encourage you. 
And again, I'm not perfect at 

1303
00:59:57,350 --> 00:59:58,790
it. 
We're still growing. 

1304
00:59:58,800 --> 01:00:01,780
That's why we're doing this, to 
grow, grow with us. 

1305
01:00:01,850 --> 01:00:03,710
Come on this journey with us 
right in, mate. 

1306
01:00:03,720 --> 01:00:06,610
Like, I want to encourage you as
much as I can for the guys that 

1307
01:00:06,620 --> 01:00:08,660
are writing in. 
I love it, you know, keep it 

1308
01:00:08,670 --> 01:00:11,500
going, Wanna keep going on this 
journey with you. 

1309
01:00:11,630 --> 01:00:14,320
Iron sharpens iron. 
Yeah, alright. 

1310
01:00:14,330 --> 01:00:18,080
So last one and then we can have
an extra 1 for Patreon and 

1311
01:00:18,090 --> 01:00:20,540
Spotify subscription get on the 
Patreon. 

1312
01:00:20,550 --> 01:00:25,500
And sub, sorry, last one. 
From R slash relationships wife 

1313
01:00:25,510 --> 01:00:29,380
29 females struggling to stay 
with 29 male husband due to 

1314
01:00:29,390 --> 01:00:32,620
hobby being top priority. 
Using a throwaway because my 

1315
01:00:32,630 --> 01:00:39,330
husband will call him Randy. 
Yeah, I thought it was so funny.

1316
01:00:39,400 --> 01:00:40,820
So. 
Blair, Blair. 

1317
01:00:40,830 --> 01:00:46,250
Calls himself Randy Ramble on 
Twitch and on TikTok. 

1318
01:00:47,350 --> 01:00:49,310
I thought it was so funny 
because it sounded like I've 

1319
01:00:49,320 --> 01:00:52,630
written in this story. 
But I'm not 29 so. 

1320
01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:56,510
Can't be me You wish. 
I wish using a throwaway because

1321
01:00:56,520 --> 01:00:59,340
my husband will call him Randy 
is on Reddit quite a bit. 

1322
01:00:59,620 --> 01:01:01,830
We have been married for going 
on four years. 

1323
01:01:01,900 --> 01:01:04,350
We knew each other and dated 
briefly in high school, found 

1324
01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:06,770
our way back to each other ten 
years later and ended up getting

1325
01:01:06,780 --> 01:01:09,330
married. 
Now Randy is an avid gamer. 

1326
01:01:09,580 --> 01:01:11,970
I don't just mean enjoys the 
occasional video game. 

1327
01:01:11,980 --> 01:01:14,950
I mean spends 10% of his life 
working, 10% of his life 

1328
01:01:14,960 --> 01:01:17,250
sleeping and the other 80% is on
the game. 

1329
01:01:18,280 --> 01:01:20,600
I mean wakes up and the first 
thing he does is hit the power 

1330
01:01:20,610 --> 01:01:22,230
button. 
The moment he comes home from 

1331
01:01:22,240 --> 01:01:25,510
work he hits the power button 
every literally waking second. 

1332
01:01:25,520 --> 01:01:27,440
He is stationed in front of that
computer. 

1333
01:01:27,580 --> 01:01:29,240
Video games just aren't my 
thing. 

1334
01:01:29,250 --> 01:01:31,230
Never have been. 
I'm not good at them and it's 

1335
01:01:31,240 --> 01:01:34,220
never really intrigued me. 
I knew about his love for games 

1336
01:01:34,230 --> 01:01:37,030
when we met, and I guess part of
me just assumed maybe he'd cut 

1337
01:01:37,040 --> 01:01:39,300
down some of that time for me, 
but he hasn't. 

1338
01:01:39,710 --> 01:01:42,320
He doesn't ask me to go out. 
He doesn't plan anything. 

1339
01:01:42,390 --> 01:01:44,860
If he had his way, he would stay
at home in front of that screen 

1340
01:01:44,870 --> 01:01:47,900
every second of every day. 
I honestly think it's borderline

1341
01:01:47,910 --> 01:01:50,100
and addiction, but maybe I'm 
being dramatic. 

1342
01:01:50,150 --> 01:01:52,400
Either way, we're approaching 
year four of marriage and 

1343
01:01:52,410 --> 01:01:54,770
nothing has improved. 
We've had multiple 

1344
01:01:54,780 --> 01:01:57,470
conversations, fights, etc. 
About the amount of time he 

1345
01:01:57,480 --> 01:01:59,590
spends on the game and how 
little effort he puts into 

1346
01:01:59,600 --> 01:02:02,410
spending time together or with 
me or just our marriage in 

1347
01:02:02,420 --> 01:02:04,350
general. 
I spent a decent chunk of money 

1348
01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:07,160
on a gaming PC because I wanted 
to make an attempt at gaming 

1349
01:02:07,170 --> 01:02:10,430
with him or getting into it in 
the off chance I could save our 

1350
01:02:10,440 --> 01:02:13,270
marriage, but I just can't. 
I work on a computer and 

1351
01:02:13,280 --> 01:02:15,920
spending eight hours a day in 
front of 1 computer to get off 

1352
01:02:15,930 --> 01:02:18,870
work and move to a different one
just doesn't work for me. 

1353
01:02:18,980 --> 01:02:21,090
I like to go out and experience 
things. 

1354
01:02:21,140 --> 01:02:24,350
Movies, museums, dinners, theme 
parks, literally anything. 

1355
01:02:24,430 --> 01:02:26,980
But getting him to go anywhere 
or do anything is like pulling 

1356
01:02:26,990 --> 01:02:28,640
teeth. 
Especially because I know he 

1357
01:02:28,650 --> 01:02:31,500
doesn't want to go or do those 
things and it just makes me feel

1358
01:02:31,510 --> 01:02:33,530
guilty for dragging him out when
where I'd rather be. 

1359
01:02:34,200 --> 01:02:36,690
In previous relationships I had 
to become comfortable with my 

1360
01:02:36,700 --> 01:02:39,010
own company, and in many ways I 
am. 

1361
01:02:39,100 --> 01:02:41,260
If I want to go out and do 
something, generally I'll just 

1362
01:02:41,270 --> 01:02:43,130
do it. 
But I feel so lonely when I have

1363
01:02:43,140 --> 01:02:46,170
a whole husband at home. 
After four years and many talks 

1364
01:02:46,180 --> 01:02:49,690
about the issue with no changes 
or improvements, just sorry and 

1365
01:02:49,700 --> 01:02:52,050
I'll try and do better. 
Should I just admit that we 

1366
01:02:52,060 --> 01:02:55,090
aren't compatible and move on? 
I've tried and tried to convince

1367
01:02:55,100 --> 01:02:57,950
myself I'm OK with being on my 
own, even in this marriage, but 

1368
01:02:57,960 --> 01:03:00,800
I just don't think I really am. 
I love this man to the end of 

1369
01:03:00,810 --> 01:03:03,930
the earth, but is it worth being
by myself in practically every 

1370
01:03:03,940 --> 01:03:06,360
aspect of my life? 
And then she has a little edit 

1371
01:03:06,890 --> 01:03:09,520
that says I guess I did leave 
out some things just so just to 

1372
01:03:09,530 --> 01:03:12,940
clear up, a lot of people have 
asked why I married him or how I

1373
01:03:12,950 --> 01:03:14,520
love him when we have nothing in
common. 

1374
01:03:14,690 --> 01:03:17,440
We actually have quite a bit in 
common other than the gaming 

1375
01:03:17,550 --> 01:03:21,440
like similar movies, music, 
food, we both enjoy DMD. 

1376
01:03:21,450 --> 01:03:23,690
We have a lot of similar 
ideologies and had similar 

1377
01:03:23,700 --> 01:03:25,740
goals. 
During the time we dated and got

1378
01:03:25,750 --> 01:03:29,970
engaged, we didn't just shotgun 
wedding at random, We used to go

1379
01:03:29,980 --> 01:03:32,390
on vacations. 
We went on dates regularly. 

1380
01:03:32,440 --> 01:03:34,920
If I was leaving the house to 
run errands or just going 

1381
01:03:34,930 --> 01:03:37,280
shopping, he'd offered to tag 
along, We'd go and walk to the 

1382
01:03:37,290 --> 01:03:40,110
lake, etcetera. 
He didn't make it appear that it

1383
01:03:40,120 --> 01:03:42,390
was a chore to be around me. 
Maybe I changed. 

1384
01:03:42,400 --> 01:03:45,290
Maybe I did become a chore to be
around, or maybe he really did 

1385
01:03:45,300 --> 01:03:46,810
what he felt necessary to keep 
me. 

1386
01:03:46,820 --> 01:03:49,350
And once he knew he had me, 
those things slowly became less 

1387
01:03:49,360 --> 01:03:51,370
and less frequent. 
I didn't marry him with the 

1388
01:03:51,380 --> 01:03:53,210
intent to change him. 
I wasn't upset that he enjoyed 

1389
01:03:53,220 --> 01:03:55,810
gaming and I didn't have a 
problem with it because before 

1390
01:03:55,820 --> 01:03:57,860
marriage it was more balanced. 
Cool. 

1391
01:03:57,870 --> 01:04:01,450
Yeah, So I. 
Relate specifically with the 

1392
01:04:01,460 --> 01:04:03,760
name. 
No, I didn't realise we we 

1393
01:04:03,770 --> 01:04:07,020
relate to that. 
I've heard a few addictions in 

1394
01:04:07,030 --> 01:04:10,500
my past and gaming has 
definitely been one of them. 

1395
01:04:10,610 --> 01:04:14,340
And and by the sounds of it, 
yes, I would say this guy is 

1396
01:04:14,350 --> 01:04:16,500
addicted to gaming. 
Yeah, I would say and I would 

1397
01:04:16,510 --> 01:04:19,220
actually say I don't know what 
people think of this. 

1398
01:04:19,290 --> 01:04:22,000
I believe gaming it can be an 
addiction. 

1399
01:04:23,670 --> 01:04:28,000
So what I would say is like call
obviously needs a chat needs a 

1400
01:04:28,010 --> 01:04:31,970
conversation but also 
understanding that I I know guys

1401
01:04:31,980 --> 01:04:34,900
that whose partners have left 
them for over gaming because 

1402
01:04:34,910 --> 01:04:37,900
because of their gaming. 
So it's for him. 

1403
01:04:37,910 --> 01:04:41,400
Like, dude, seriously, you need 
to think about like well you 

1404
01:04:41,490 --> 01:04:45,980
value more the the game or or 
your wife, but at the same time 

1405
01:04:45,990 --> 01:04:48,340
like man need to put in brakes, 
you know. 

1406
01:04:48,350 --> 01:04:51,000
And I think having that 
conversation like so for those 

1407
01:04:51,010 --> 01:04:53,510
whose partner is, is really 
begin to gaming is not having 

1408
01:04:53,520 --> 01:04:56,180
that time with them have the 
conversation what we've done 

1409
01:04:56,190 --> 01:04:58,510
before. 
I like come up with boundaries. 

1410
01:04:58,520 --> 01:05:00,690
You mentioned this earlier. 
Boundaries are really, really 

1411
01:05:00,700 --> 01:05:01,760
important. 
Yeah. 

1412
01:05:01,770 --> 01:05:05,080
And I have to revisit those 
boundaries from time to time. 

1413
01:05:05,440 --> 01:05:09,460
So I still play video games. 
We play sometimes together and 

1414
01:05:09,470 --> 01:05:11,300
when we first got married that 
was what we did. 

1415
01:05:11,310 --> 01:05:15,160
We didn't really play, watch TV.
We just played Call of Duty and 

1416
01:05:15,170 --> 01:05:18,740
I won every time, you know, So 
it has its place. 

1417
01:05:18,750 --> 01:05:21,900
I find it relaxing. 
I'm a very social person and I 

1418
01:05:21,910 --> 01:05:25,400
can socialise over gaming, but 
you know I can get too much for 

1419
01:05:25,410 --> 01:05:28,170
me. 
I can get very invested in it, I

1420
01:05:28,180 --> 01:05:31,130
can get very hooked, whatever 
else. 

1421
01:05:31,180 --> 01:05:35,850
Not saying that gaming is bad 
most of the time, but for me it 

1422
01:05:35,860 --> 01:05:37,120
can be. 
So I'm gonna put those 

1423
01:05:37,130 --> 01:05:39,390
boundaries in place. 
It's been issues for us in the 

1424
01:05:39,400 --> 01:05:42,050
past and you've been able to say
to me, hey I think it's becoming

1425
01:05:42,060 --> 01:05:44,410
an issue call, we'll go back to 
the boundaries that we've set in

1426
01:05:44,420 --> 01:05:45,350
place. 
Yeah. 

1427
01:05:45,780 --> 01:05:48,740
If it continues to become an 
issue for us, like if it's 

1428
01:05:48,750 --> 01:05:52,710
something that is like it's just
not getting better, then times 

1429
01:05:52,720 --> 01:05:55,990
I've just deleted all games. 
Like there's a big period of 

1430
01:05:56,000 --> 01:05:58,560
time where I don't do it, you 
know, it's not worth it. 

1431
01:05:58,570 --> 01:06:02,760
And so we don't do it. 
And I think that would be the 

1432
01:06:02,770 --> 01:06:05,600
conversation to have like have a
break for six months. 

1433
01:06:05,650 --> 01:06:08,960
If they cannot do that, if they 
cannot have a break from a 

1434
01:06:08,970 --> 01:06:11,000
computer game for six months or 
something wrong. 

1435
01:06:11,670 --> 01:06:14,380
And there probably would be. 
Supports for people in that too.

1436
01:06:14,390 --> 01:06:16,740
Absolutely. 
Yeah, I know. 

1437
01:06:16,750 --> 01:06:18,100
They've got. 
Alcoholics Anonymous. 

1438
01:06:18,110 --> 01:06:21,330
They might have something like 
gamers, actually. 

1439
01:06:21,340 --> 01:06:23,550
You don't need to do Gamers 
Anonymous. 

1440
01:06:23,560 --> 01:06:26,390
It's like go see a councillor. 
It's and it's not. 

1441
01:06:27,320 --> 01:06:29,830
You don't have to find a 
specific thing for a gaming 

1442
01:06:29,840 --> 01:06:32,550
person. 
It's it's what's going on for 

1443
01:06:32,560 --> 01:06:34,160
them. 
You know, I mean, for a lot of 

1444
01:06:34,170 --> 01:06:37,080
addictions that comes from 
escapism, but we're trying to 

1445
01:06:37,090 --> 01:06:39,710
get out of something. 
We're trying to run away from 

1446
01:06:39,720 --> 01:06:41,600
something and something we have 
to deal with, right? 

1447
01:06:41,610 --> 01:06:44,970
So it's not necessarily the 
addiction to the game, it's the 

1448
01:06:44,980 --> 01:06:48,280
escape from reality. 
So I would say, you know, and 

1449
01:06:48,290 --> 01:06:50,890
again, if you're in Australia 
and you know someone that's 

1450
01:06:50,900 --> 01:06:53,050
struggling with this sort of 
stuff, ask if they'd be 

1451
01:06:53,060 --> 01:06:56,430
interested in going to see their
GP, going to mental health plan.

1452
01:06:56,440 --> 01:06:59,430
You know, if they're not in, if 
they're, if that makes them a 

1453
01:06:59,440 --> 01:07:01,400
bit nervous, offer to go with 
them. 

1454
01:07:01,450 --> 01:07:05,020
You know, and just to say, hey, 
let's let us, when you can bring

1455
01:07:05,030 --> 01:07:09,100
in that camaraderie to the 
conversation, it removes a lot 

1456
01:07:09,110 --> 01:07:12,110
of the shame because there's so 
much shame to addiction. 

1457
01:07:12,120 --> 01:07:15,140
There's so much shame to these 
sorts of things. 

1458
01:07:15,150 --> 01:07:20,040
You know, you know, I, I lied to
you many times of my struggles, 

1459
01:07:20,050 --> 01:07:23,240
right? 
And it's not that I obviously 

1460
01:07:23,250 --> 01:07:28,300
want to lie. 
I am so ashamed of myself that 

1461
01:07:28,310 --> 01:07:30,160
that's more the driving to the 
lies. 

1462
01:07:30,170 --> 01:07:33,290
Like I'm just so ashamed and I'm
no, not excusing this, by the 

1463
01:07:33,300 --> 01:07:36,320
way, hearing on that, like there
is no excuse for lying. 

1464
01:07:36,790 --> 01:07:40,600
But I'm so ashamed with what 
I've done and and it actually 

1465
01:07:40,610 --> 01:07:43,420
makes me go into a more of a 
spiral because then I want to 

1466
01:07:43,430 --> 01:07:47,260
escape the shame and I go down 
and down and down and I'm just 

1467
01:07:47,270 --> 01:07:50,650
in this hole and I can't get out
and I had to get professional 

1468
01:07:50,660 --> 01:07:52,400
help and I still struggle from 
time to time. 

1469
01:07:52,470 --> 01:07:53,850
We have those boundaries in 
place. 

1470
01:07:53,900 --> 01:07:57,360
We do things about it and we've 
got, you know, we're we're a lot

1471
01:07:57,370 --> 01:08:00,490
more open about those struggles 
now and we can do things about 

1472
01:08:00,500 --> 01:08:04,170
it. 
But yeah, so there's a things 

1473
01:08:04,180 --> 01:08:05,780
that you can do. 
I'm not sure what you can do in 

1474
01:08:05,790 --> 01:08:07,210
America. 
Yeah. 

1475
01:08:07,220 --> 01:08:09,320
I don't know what's there, but 
I'm sure they'll be stuff. 

1476
01:08:09,410 --> 01:08:11,770
Yeah, I. 
Think the first thing I would do

1477
01:08:11,780 --> 01:08:15,390
in this situation is, again, 
have a conversation with 

1478
01:08:15,400 --> 01:08:18,050
Curiosity and just be like, 
what's happening for you. 

1479
01:08:18,060 --> 01:08:21,620
Like identify This is a lot of 
gameplay. 

1480
01:08:21,710 --> 01:08:24,359
Yeah, like, just to be really 
clear, this is what's happening,

1481
01:08:25,010 --> 01:08:28,120
what's happening for you? 
Like, is it just that you enjoy 

1482
01:08:28,130 --> 01:08:29,600
it? 
Just kind of explore what's 

1483
01:08:29,609 --> 01:08:32,460
happening behind the scenes? 
Because as we've mentioned, a 

1484
01:08:32,470 --> 01:08:35,460
lot of this stuff, when it does 
fall into the addiction 

1485
01:08:35,470 --> 01:08:39,840
category, it's not just the 
thing, it's actually an 

1486
01:08:39,850 --> 01:08:43,830
escapism, like you said, from a 
number of stuff going, number of

1487
01:08:43,840 --> 01:08:46,680
things that could be happening. 
This screams mental health 

1488
01:08:46,689 --> 01:08:49,380
issues to me, screams mental 
health issues to me. 

1489
01:08:49,430 --> 01:08:54,229
So like if this was us, I would 
be trying to explore what's 

1490
01:08:54,240 --> 01:08:57,000
going on with your mental health
because it is not normal to 

1491
01:08:57,010 --> 01:09:00,170
spend that much time on 
something, especially when you 

1492
01:09:00,180 --> 01:09:04,189
are in a relationship where 
there is like an external draw. 

1493
01:09:04,200 --> 01:09:07,229
Outside of that, it's not normal
to spend that much time, 

1494
01:09:07,300 --> 01:09:10,130
especially if you're cutting 
yourself off from out outside 

1495
01:09:10,140 --> 01:09:11,470
stuff. 
Like there's a lot of mental 

1496
01:09:11,479 --> 01:09:13,970
health things that could be 
impacting that. 

1497
01:09:14,060 --> 01:09:16,910
As we said with the dishes like 
I don't, I just like getting a 

1498
01:09:16,920 --> 01:09:20,630
slump and I I can't get on top 
of it until I can get out of it.

1499
01:09:20,670 --> 01:09:23,170
And so I feel like this could be
the same kind of thing. 

1500
01:09:23,180 --> 01:09:26,290
Like whatever it is that's going
on for this guy, he's in a slump

1501
01:09:26,300 --> 01:09:29,130
and this is just his like, 
escapism from that. 

1502
01:09:29,220 --> 01:09:32,069
This numbs his brain. 
This fills his brain with what 

1503
01:09:32,080 --> 01:09:33,270
it is. 
Oxytocin. 

1504
01:09:33,319 --> 01:09:35,689
Oxytocin it, Like I said, our 
dopamine. 

1505
01:09:35,700 --> 01:09:36,899
Dopamine. 
Sorry, it gives him that. 

1506
01:09:36,910 --> 01:09:38,439
Rusty Tyson is the healthy 
thing. 

1507
01:09:38,450 --> 01:09:40,029
Yeah, so gives him a. 
Rush. 

1508
01:09:40,090 --> 01:09:43,020
It gives him an escapism. 
It gives him a sense of maybe 

1509
01:09:43,029 --> 01:09:45,189
community, maybe purpose. 
Maybe there's something that's 

1510
01:09:45,200 --> 01:09:47,779
drawing him there that that 
makes him feel valued. 

1511
01:09:48,109 --> 01:09:52,700
Yeah, all of the above. 
There's 100%. 

1512
01:09:52,750 --> 01:09:55,930
I can confidently say something 
sitting behind this. 

1513
01:09:56,030 --> 01:09:59,700
I don't think anybody that's in 
a healthy space falls into this,

1514
01:10:00,330 --> 01:10:03,690
and I think it is really valid 
to have a conversation with him,

1515
01:10:03,730 --> 01:10:06,140
especially if you're at this 
place where you're thinking this

1516
01:10:06,150 --> 01:10:09,450
is like make a break at the 
stage you've communicated with 

1517
01:10:09,460 --> 01:10:11,620
him about it before. 
I think it's really important to

1518
01:10:11,630 --> 01:10:15,850
dig, dig, dig with him 
curiously, gently into what is 

1519
01:10:15,860 --> 01:10:18,660
sitting behind this. 
And I also think it's really 

1520
01:10:18,670 --> 01:10:21,440
important and what I would be 
doing in this situation to make 

1521
01:10:21,450 --> 01:10:23,840
it very clear where you're at 
and what this is doing. 

1522
01:10:23,900 --> 01:10:27,220
Like how this is impacting you 
and what this is making you feel

1523
01:10:27,230 --> 01:10:29,160
like. 
If you're thinking I'm actually 

1524
01:10:29,170 --> 01:10:32,080
close to being like I need to 
call this, that's important for 

1525
01:10:32,090 --> 01:10:36,870
him to know. 
He Sometimes people do need to 

1526
01:10:36,880 --> 01:10:40,050
know what they're about to lose 
in order to be like, I need to 

1527
01:10:40,060 --> 01:10:42,980
snap out of this. 
He might need to know that 

1528
01:10:42,990 --> 01:10:45,100
that's where you're at, that 
that's how you're feeling. 

1529
01:10:45,150 --> 01:10:46,920
Reassuring him that you love 
him. 

1530
01:10:46,930 --> 01:10:49,320
And you say in your post that 
you you have so many things that

1531
01:10:49,330 --> 01:10:51,540
you enjoy doing with him. 
You love him so much. 

1532
01:10:51,590 --> 01:10:55,080
You love him to the ends of the 
earth, but you're so alone, like

1533
01:10:55,090 --> 01:10:58,480
you feel so, so alone, so 
reassuring him that you want to 

1534
01:10:58,490 --> 01:10:59,850
be with him. 
You love him. 

1535
01:10:59,860 --> 01:11:02,980
You enjoy that time with him, 
but you're at the point where 

1536
01:11:02,990 --> 01:11:06,030
you can't keep going. 
Like this is really important so

1537
01:11:06,040 --> 01:11:09,720
that he knows the severity of it
and like you have said, working 

1538
01:11:09,730 --> 01:11:13,710
as a team in that. 
So it's not just all right now, 

1539
01:11:13,720 --> 01:11:16,990
you need to go fix this. 
Yeah, I want you to fix this or 

1540
01:11:17,000 --> 01:11:19,570
I'm gone. 
It's how can we work on this 

1541
01:11:19,580 --> 01:11:22,220
together I. 
Think that's a really important.

1542
01:11:22,230 --> 01:11:23,960
Key. 
So a big thing is like. 

1543
01:11:23,970 --> 01:11:26,880
Again go to drastic mile right. 
If he's like ohhhhh, I'll stop 

1544
01:11:26,890 --> 01:11:29,330
doing it. 
It's that you got a a drug 

1545
01:11:29,340 --> 01:11:31,020
addict, right? 
You're not gonna keep any drugs 

1546
01:11:31,030 --> 01:11:33,540
in the house, right. 
You know you just to be clear on

1547
01:11:33,550 --> 01:11:36,530
that you're not gonna yeah. 
You leave drugs around the house

1548
01:11:36,540 --> 01:11:37,860
with them to get to. 
They're an addict. 

1549
01:11:37,870 --> 01:11:40,160
They're struggling with this. 
They they won't stop. 

1550
01:11:40,170 --> 01:11:41,600
Right. 
You have to remove it all. 

1551
01:11:42,570 --> 01:11:45,640
It's the same with the with the 
gaming consoles, right? 

1552
01:11:46,550 --> 01:11:49,820
Yeah, I know people that have 
had to literally get rid of it, 

1553
01:11:49,870 --> 01:11:53,180
get rid of those temptations and
I think as well. 

1554
01:11:53,240 --> 01:11:57,090
Like, just getting rid of the 
games isn't going to make it 

1555
01:11:57,100 --> 01:11:59,560
better all of a sudden. 
It's definitely a good step, but

1556
01:11:59,570 --> 01:12:01,740
it's not going to make it better
because what we've found in the 

1557
01:12:01,750 --> 01:12:05,480
past is we'll move from 1 
escapism to another. 

1558
01:12:05,810 --> 01:12:08,620
And so, unless you are 
addressing what is happening, 

1559
01:12:08,670 --> 01:12:11,000
unless you're actually 
intentionally digging deeper 

1560
01:12:11,010 --> 01:12:14,430
than just the surface level 
outworking of it, you'll 

1561
01:12:14,440 --> 01:12:19,070
probably just find the same 
anxieties get transferred into a

1562
01:12:19,080 --> 01:12:20,990
different thing. 
Yeah, you latch on a different 

1563
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:24,120
way, and it might not be gaming,
but it might be alcohol. 

1564
01:12:24,130 --> 01:12:27,190
Well, COVID again, we went. 
Through our three things, right?

1565
01:12:27,200 --> 01:12:29,720
We went from eating a lot. 
Yeah, we ate a lot. 

1566
01:12:29,730 --> 01:12:31,960
Then we drank a lot. 
Then we bought a lot, yeah. 

1567
01:12:31,970 --> 01:12:34,540
Then we ate a lot and we would 
stop by and we like, I'm gonna 

1568
01:12:34,550 --> 01:12:36,890
stop doing that and just go 
straight to the other one. 

1569
01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:40,410
We just went on those 3 
rotations and that's been. 

1570
01:12:40,420 --> 01:12:43,630
Genuinely difficult to break. 
Genuinely difficult to break. 

1571
01:12:43,800 --> 01:12:47,200
But we needed to figure out why 
we were doing that in order for 

1572
01:12:47,210 --> 01:12:48,900
us to even identify what was 
happening. 

1573
01:12:48,910 --> 01:12:51,060
Because it wasn't just like, oh,
we should stop spending money. 

1574
01:12:51,150 --> 01:12:54,410
Yeah, it was like if we'd done 
that, we would have just gone 

1575
01:12:54,420 --> 01:12:58,310
into alcohol and we'd had 
unknowingly, but being able to 

1576
01:12:58,320 --> 01:13:01,580
identify that was a key for us 
to working through it. 

1577
01:13:01,590 --> 01:13:04,180
Yeah, I think there's so much 
that can be done. 

1578
01:13:04,270 --> 01:13:05,980
It's it must be really 
difficult. 

1579
01:13:05,990 --> 01:13:09,820
It would be really crappy, but 
it doesn't mean that this is 

1580
01:13:10,330 --> 01:13:12,180
this is dead in the water. 
It's not going to go anywhere. 

1581
01:13:12,190 --> 01:13:15,400
It's actually if if you can both
get on board with working 

1582
01:13:15,410 --> 01:13:18,100
together on it, you can be a 
really beautiful again, it's not

1583
01:13:18,110 --> 01:13:19,480
to put it. 
All on her, not. 

1584
01:13:19,490 --> 01:13:23,920
He has to buy in, yeah. 
And and just an encouragement 

1585
01:13:23,930 --> 01:13:27,160
for her to recognise that he's 
probably not just in a logical 

1586
01:13:27,170 --> 01:13:30,380
clear space. 
So yeah, if she's a approaching 

1587
01:13:30,390 --> 01:13:35,630
it, just come at it from a a 
gentle, curious mindset. 

1588
01:13:37,070 --> 01:13:39,100
Yeah, well, that's that. 
That's good. 

1589
01:13:39,110 --> 01:13:40,730
Was it a patron? 
Episode to do. 

1590
01:13:40,740 --> 01:13:42,560
Now we do. 
Always like asleep. 

1591
01:13:42,570 --> 01:13:43,900
Asleep. 
Maybe this? 

1592
01:13:43,910 --> 01:13:44,980
Altro will wake. 
You up? 

1593
01:13:44,990 --> 01:13:48,680
Do dance. 
Alright, I did a theme and I 

1594
01:13:48,690 --> 01:13:51,820
don't remember the name of the 
style of the theme. 

1595
01:13:52,200 --> 01:13:55,240
And there we have it folks. 
Another episode of Honey, we 

1596
01:13:55,250 --> 01:13:58,740
need to Chat concludes leaving 
the world forever changed 

1597
01:13:58,750 --> 01:14:02,500
because clearly our words carry 
the weight of global 

1598
01:14:02,510 --> 01:14:06,280
transformation. 
Return next week as we solve all

1599
01:14:06,350 --> 01:14:08,940
relationships. 
No, we're gonna solve all 

1600
01:14:09,010 --> 01:14:14,000
relational condone conundrums, 
conundrums with the sheer power 

1601
01:14:14,010 --> 01:14:15,960
of our microphones. 
We're gonna do it. 

1602
01:14:15,970 --> 01:14:17,140
Wow. 
Chat GP. 

1603
01:14:17,360 --> 01:14:20,160
Hey. 
Until then, keep your 

1604
01:14:20,170 --> 01:14:24,800
conversations as exaggerated and
Thea, Thea theatrical. 

1605
01:14:24,890 --> 01:14:27,860
I have this outro. 
Remember, you're not discussing 

1606
01:14:27,870 --> 01:14:31,850
it on a podcast. 
If you're not discussing it on 

1607
01:14:31,860 --> 01:14:35,070
the podcast, is it even worth 
talking about? 

1608
01:14:35,380 --> 01:14:38,550
Stay chatty, my friends. 
I bet the theme was. 

1609
01:14:38,600 --> 01:14:39,890
Exaggerated. 
And theatre. 

1610
01:14:39,900 --> 01:14:44,880
Yeah, it's an S word Satirical, 
no? 

1611
01:14:45,660 --> 01:14:47,470
I don't remember. 
Sarcastic. 

1612
01:14:47,480 --> 01:14:49,180
No. 
Alright, it's up there. 

1613
01:14:49,190 --> 01:14:52,510
I'll look and see. 
Alright, well, that's all guys. 

1614
01:14:52,520 --> 01:14:53,320
Bye. 
Good Chad. 

1615
01:14:53,330 --> 01:14:54,100
Thanks guys.