Hey chatters. Hey chatters.
You already will have heard the main episode where we talk about
why we're here and what we're doing, so we're going to skip
all that. It looks fantastic.
It actually does. I actually like this other than
the TV. That's the only thing I'm not
loving in the corner. But we'll get over.
It yeah, it's. Fun.
We can just put a show on. Anyway, we're going to read one
last story on the topic of bringing up the past and this
one is Girlfriend 24, female, said I 24, male was out of line
bringing up something from the past.
I've been with my girlfriend for two.
Well I have been with my girlfriend for two years now.
She's been cheated on in the past and has had some problems
with insecurity when we've been together around six months.
I went away with some friends I had not seen for a while.
The first night I was there was fine and then the next day she
mentioned she kept convincing herself I had cheated and
basically started an argument causing me to cut my my trip
short. When I got back she apologised
repeatedly. I've not seen those friends
since as we live in different parts of the country.
One of them is visiting another and not too far from me in a
couple weeks and they've invited me up for the night.
I mentioned it to my girlfriend that I'd be going later that
night. She started jokingly asking if
I'm going to cheat and I straight away told her not to go
on about that. I said she knows I'm not going
to cheat and to not bring it up again.
She said I overreacted since she was only joking.
So I mentioned the last time I saw them and asked if she was
only joking. Then she said I was out of order
to bring up the past and I knew she wouldn't do that again.
I just said I'd like to think she won't but it's not looking
like that if she's already mentioning cheating.
She said I was throwing a mistake she had made back in her
face, but I disagreed since I was only mentioning it after she
brought up cheating. Does anyone have any advice on
how to handle this? We don't have those jokes.
No, those jokes are not OK. Like I think it's those things
because it's because we take them so seriously, you know,
it's and this is our value is don't cheat.
Yeah. No, but it's, it's like our
value is on the way that we talk about certain things.
So the serious topics, the serious no Nos, the serious bad
things, they're serious. We we keep them serious.
So and we're trying to teach out with our kids at the moment.
Yeah. Don't joke about this other
stuff. Don't.
It's no one is too far, Yeah. What's inappropriate and what's
not? Yeah, exactly.
So I just would take that out of our language from the get go is
that is not a joke, especially if it's been something that
she's struggled with in the past.
It's been a serious thing treated seriously.
You know, it's it's like otherwise it's just too much
room for the serious hurts to come back and and to not be
taken seriously. So serious.
Serious. Serious.
Serious serious. Yeah, I think if I was her and I
made this little joke because obviously insecurity is bubbling
up and I'm like, and then and then I heard I'm not going to
cheat. Don't say that again.
And we've actually had this exact, not this exact
conversation, but there's been things where you're like, I'm
not going to do that. Why do you keep bringing that
up? And I I'll be like, I need to
know that I'm OK to bring it up. Yeah, I know I shouldn't bring
it up. As in, I know it's not helpful
for me to keep doing what I'm doing, but you need to know
you're OK to bring it up. So if I was her and I heard him
say I'm not going to cheat, don't bring that up again, I'd
be like, now I can't bring up cheating again.
And now my insecurity is just going to run me because I can't
even communicate about these things.
And especially with her experience where she has been
cheated on before. So of course she's going to
think that no partner is going to be like, yeah, I am going to
cheat. No heart is going to do that.
Like in a conversation, no one's going to do that.
So well, maybe not no one. Most people won't.
So I think I think how they've gone about the conversation is
putting walls up that are not going to help themselves.
So I think he's put a wall up with this like don't, I'm not
going to cheat. Don't don't say that don't bring
that up again is without him realising putting a wall up
there that's going to just kind of be like a rebound for her
insecurity. It's not going to make her not
bringing it up is not going to make the topic go away.
It's in fact, it's probably just going to make it worse.
Her putting a a trigger out there every time he wants to do
things with his friends or her putting projecting that onto him
is the same thing. It's not going to protect her
and that's probably where it's coming from.
She's trying to like lash out at it before it lashes out at her.
From her experience, I don't think her making those jokes or
bringing it up all the time is going to work in her favour
either. It's going to just make him feel
untrusted and yucky and and not heard and disrespected and like
she's projecting her past boyfriends onto him.
And none of that is constructive.
That's it's it's AI feel like it.
I picture it like this like big notch that's just about to like
latch into place if they're not careful, because those things
kind of work against each other. But the joking of it IA 100.
I love what you said. If it's a serious thing, treat
us seriously. He knows she's been cheated on.
It's a serious thing. That's not a non serious thing
for anyone. So I think anyone who's gone
through that's going to navigate insecurity in the space, he
knows it's serious for her. She's making a joke about it.
But if I was him, I think I'd be encouraging him sit down gently
and curiously with her and make it a serious thing, like
validate straight away. I can see that you are really
struggling with this and I know you'll be struggling with this.
I want to help you with this. Like I recognise this is
important because I think straightaway that would take out
some of the sting from her bite and and she'd be like, whoa, OK,
he's taking this really seriously.
I don't have to prove to him that it's serious.
The joking about it is not going to be the like we said in the
main episode, but the little pricky kind of.
Comments. That's not, it's not helpful
ever, which is why we don't joke like that, I don't think.
Yeah, I don't think. What do they say?
Like behind every joke is a bit of truth or something like that.
If that's how you're, if that's what's sitting behind your
thoughts, making a a casual jokey comment is only going to
inflamed. It's like throwing little bits
of fuel into a fire, and it's not going to make the
conversation constructive. For one thing, he hasn't
cheated. She's projected it on him and
it's it's caused an issue with his friends before, which is
hurtful. That's difficult for him.
It's come up again. So obviously he's now triggered
by her being triggered because he's triggered by how hurtful it
was before and how probably embarrassing and overwhelming
and disappointing. So he's reacting out of a
trigger. She's reacting out of a trigger.
I think until they sit down and they're able to discuss clearly
what sits behind these things and they're able to put things
in place so that when she does, she will probably still have
that little arch up that happens.
And that's OK. And.
Triggers are triggers are valid, you know, and it's again, you
got to validate the feelings. You got to validate the triggers
and understand them and and then go like commit to that process
of working through that. So for him to say, don't bring
it up anymore, that's not committing to the process of
working through that. That's shutting down the
process. Yeah.
And that's what can be very damaging as well.
And so it's like, again, so for her, she might just want like
she might just need to hear the validation of her feelings.
Like that might be the big thing that she needs to hear right
now. But she doesn't know how to
share that. He doesn't know how to do that.
Go sit down and and have those conversations.
How are you going with this? What's this look like for you
now? Yeah.
And I know you can feel really silly.
I've definitely felt this way really silly when it's an
insecurity that just keeps coming up and I can't shake
because you know that it's not a valid across the board like rule
or like a pattern like that. You know that that's not going
to or you know, that's likely not going to happen, but doesn't
necessarily translate to your feelings about it.
And yeah, unless you're gentle with yourself and with your
partner and he's gentle back and you're going to struggle to get
to a point where you're functioning out of a healthy
space with this. But the warning would be don't
just push this aside and stop talking about it because it's
not going to disappear on so cool.
Well, that has been bringing awesome.
Thanks chatters, thank you so much guys for.
Your welcome to our new chatters, guys.
We've had a few join over the last few weeks and we're really
excited that you're here. This is the first time I think
we've addressed that. Maybe not.
Yeah, Michaela is one of the new ones, Ross is a new one.
And Kate, I don't know if we've mentioned any of you by name on
here before. Thank you guys so much for your.
Support, we really appreciate you.
Absolutely. And yeah, please write in guys.
You guys have a special ears from us.
Oh yeah, You can speak more, Yeah than everyone else.
So we would love to hear from you guys.
You are more important to us. So we're gonna hear from you
guys. Yeah, I know I do have a couple
of stories from you guys that will come out in future
episodes, which is great. So keep those coming.
Keep those questions coming, but be patient with us to get your
topics and your stories out there.
So we'll come. We've just want to.
We want to make it fit in with the rest of the episode too.
So that it and we want to be ready to talk about it.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and.
Some of them we want to go and get extra helpful to speak into
those spaces rather than just our ideas because sometimes
they're not great. Like, well, they're just not
informed. They're just not.
Helpful or not in that? Space yeah, or researched or
whatever else. So we want to be giving you guys
the best quality possible and the best support possible
through the questions or stories you have.
So thank you guys so much, really appreciate it and talk to
you soon.