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Hey chatters. 
Hey chatters. 

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You already will have heard the 
main episode where we talk about

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why we're here and what we're 
doing, so we're going to skip 

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all that. 
It looks fantastic. 

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It actually does. 
I actually like this other than 

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the TV. 
That's the only thing I'm not 

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loving in the corner. 
But we'll get over. 

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It yeah, it's. 
Fun. 

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We can just put a show on. 
Anyway, we're going to read one 

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last story on the topic of 
bringing up the past and this 

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one is Girlfriend 24, female, 
said I 24, male was out of line 

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bringing up something from the 
past. 

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I've been with my girlfriend for
two. 

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Well I have been with my 
girlfriend for two years now. 

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She's been cheated on in the 
past and has had some problems 

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with insecurity when we've been 
together around six months. 

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I went away with some friends I 
had not seen for a while. 

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The first night I was there was 
fine and then the next day she 

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mentioned she kept convincing 
herself I had cheated and 

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basically started an argument 
causing me to cut my my trip 

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short. 
When I got back she apologised 

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repeatedly. 
I've not seen those friends 

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since as we live in different 
parts of the country. 

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One of them is visiting another 
and not too far from me in a 

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couple weeks and they've invited
me up for the night. 

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I mentioned it to my girlfriend 
that I'd be going later that 

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night. 
She started jokingly asking if 

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I'm going to cheat and I 
straight away told her not to go

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on about that. 
I said she knows I'm not going 

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to cheat and to not bring it up 
again. 

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She said I overreacted since she
was only joking. 

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So I mentioned the last time I 
saw them and asked if she was 

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only joking. 
Then she said I was out of order

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to bring up the past and I knew 
she wouldn't do that again. 

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I just said I'd like to think 
she won't but it's not looking 

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like that if she's already 
mentioning cheating. 

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She said I was throwing a 
mistake she had made back in her

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face, but I disagreed since I 
was only mentioning it after she

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brought up cheating. 
Does anyone have any advice on 

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how to handle this? 
We don't have those jokes. 

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No, those jokes are not OK. 
Like I think it's those things 

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because it's because we take 
them so seriously, you know, 

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it's and this is our value is 
don't cheat. 

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Yeah. 
No, but it's, it's like our 

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value is on the way that we talk
about certain things. 

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So the serious topics, the 
serious no Nos, the serious bad 

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things, they're serious. 
We we keep them serious. 

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So and we're trying to teach out
with our kids at the moment. 

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Yeah. 
Don't joke about this other 

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stuff. 
Don't. 

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It's no one is too far, Yeah. 
What's inappropriate and what's 

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not? 
Yeah, exactly. 

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So I just would take that out of
our language from the get go is 

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that is not a joke, especially 
if it's been something that 

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she's struggled with in the 
past. 

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It's been a serious thing 
treated seriously. 

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You know, it's it's like 
otherwise it's just too much 

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room for the serious hurts to 
come back and and to not be 

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taken seriously. 
So serious. 

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Serious. 
Serious. 

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Serious serious. 
Yeah, I think if I was her and I

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made this little joke because 
obviously insecurity is bubbling

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up and I'm like, and then and 
then I heard I'm not going to 

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cheat. 
Don't say that again. 

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And we've actually had this 
exact, not this exact 

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conversation, but there's been 
things where you're like, I'm 

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not going to do that. 
Why do you keep bringing that 

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up? 
And I I'll be like, I need to 

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know that I'm OK to bring it up.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't bring 

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it up. 
As in, I know it's not helpful 

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for me to keep doing what I'm 
doing, but you need to know 

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you're OK to bring it up. 
So if I was her and I heard him 

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say I'm not going to cheat, 
don't bring that up again, I'd 

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be like, now I can't bring up 
cheating again. 

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And now my insecurity is just 
going to run me because I can't 

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even communicate about these 
things. 

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And especially with her 
experience where she has been 

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cheated on before. 
So of course she's going to 

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think that no partner is going 
to be like, yeah, I am going to 

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cheat. 
No heart is going to do that. 

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Like in a conversation, no one's
going to do that. 

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So well, maybe not no one. 
Most people won't. 

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So I think I think how they've 
gone about the conversation is 

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putting walls up that are not 
going to help themselves. 

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So I think he's put a wall up 
with this like don't, I'm not 

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going to cheat. 
Don't don't say that don't bring

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that up again is without him 
realising putting a wall up 

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there that's going to just kind 
of be like a rebound for her 

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insecurity. 
It's not going to make her not 

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bringing it up is not going to 
make the topic go away. 

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It's in fact, it's probably just
going to make it worse. 

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Her putting a a trigger out 
there every time he wants to do 

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things with his friends or her 
putting projecting that onto him

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is the same thing. 
It's not going to protect her 

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and that's probably where it's 
coming from. 

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She's trying to like lash out at
it before it lashes out at her. 

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From her experience, I don't 
think her making those jokes or 

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bringing it up all the time is 
going to work in her favour 

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either. 
It's going to just make him feel

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untrusted and yucky and and not 
heard and disrespected and like 

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she's projecting her past 
boyfriends onto him. 

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And none of that is 
constructive. 

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That's it's it's AI feel like 
it. 

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I picture it like this like big 
notch that's just about to like 

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latch into place if they're not 
careful, because those things 

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kind of work against each other.
But the joking of it IA 100. 

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I love what you said. 
If it's a serious thing, treat 

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us seriously. 
He knows she's been cheated on. 

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It's a serious thing. 
That's not a non serious thing 

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for anyone. 
So I think anyone who's gone 

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through that's going to navigate
insecurity in the space, he 

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knows it's serious for her. 
She's making a joke about it. 

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But if I was him, I think I'd be
encouraging him sit down gently 

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and curiously with her and make 
it a serious thing, like 

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validate straight away. 
I can see that you are really 

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struggling with this and I know 
you'll be struggling with this. 

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I want to help you with this. 
Like I recognise this is 

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important because I think 
straightaway that would take out

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some of the sting from her bite 
and and she'd be like, whoa, OK,

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he's taking this really 
seriously. 

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I don't have to prove to him 
that it's serious. 

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The joking about it is not going
to be the like we said in the 

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main episode, but the little 
pricky kind of. 

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Comments. 
That's not, it's not helpful 

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ever, which is why we don't joke
like that, I don't think. 

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Yeah, I don't think. 
What do they say? 

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Like behind every joke is a bit 
of truth or something like that.

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If that's how you're, if that's 
what's sitting behind your 

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thoughts, making a a casual 
jokey comment is only going to 

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inflamed. 
It's like throwing little bits 

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of fuel into a fire, and it's 
not going to make the 

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conversation constructive. 
For one thing, he hasn't 

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cheated. 
She's projected it on him and 

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it's it's caused an issue with 
his friends before, which is 

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hurtful. 
That's difficult for him. 

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It's come up again. 
So obviously he's now triggered 

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by her being triggered because 
he's triggered by how hurtful it

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was before and how probably 
embarrassing and overwhelming 

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and disappointing. 
So he's reacting out of a 

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trigger. 
She's reacting out of a trigger.

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I think until they sit down and 
they're able to discuss clearly 

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what sits behind these things 
and they're able to put things 

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in place so that when she does, 
she will probably still have 

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that little arch up that 
happens. 

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And that's OK. 
And. 

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Triggers are triggers are valid,
you know, and it's again, you 

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got to validate the feelings. 
You got to validate the triggers

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and understand them and and then
go like commit to that process 

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of working through that. 
So for him to say, don't bring 

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it up anymore, that's not 
committing to the process of 

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working through that. 
That's shutting down the 

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process. 
Yeah. 

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And that's what can be very 
damaging as well. 

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And so it's like, again, so for 
her, she might just want like 

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she might just need to hear the 
validation of her feelings. 

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Like that might be the big thing
that she needs to hear right 

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now. 
But she doesn't know how to 

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share that. 
He doesn't know how to do that. 

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Go sit down and and have those 
conversations. 

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How are you going with this? 
What's this look like for you 

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now? 
Yeah. 

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And I know you can feel really 
silly. 

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I've definitely felt this way 
really silly when it's an 

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insecurity that just keeps 
coming up and I can't shake 

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because you know that it's not a
valid across the board like rule

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or like a pattern like that. 
You know that that's not going 

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to or you know, that's likely 
not going to happen, but doesn't

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necessarily translate to your 
feelings about it. 

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And yeah, unless you're gentle 
with yourself and with your 

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partner and he's gentle back and
you're going to struggle to get 

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to a point where you're 
functioning out of a healthy 

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space with this. 
But the warning would be don't 

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just push this aside and stop 
talking about it because it's 

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not going to disappear on so 
cool. 

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Well, that has been bringing 
awesome. 

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Thanks chatters, thank you so 
much guys for. 

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Your welcome to our new 
chatters, guys. 

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We've had a few join over the 
last few weeks and we're really 

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excited that you're here. 
This is the first time I think 

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we've addressed that. 
Maybe not. 

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Yeah, Michaela is one of the new
ones, Ross is a new one. 

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And Kate, I don't know if we've 
mentioned any of you by name on 

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here before. 
Thank you guys so much for your.

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Support, we really appreciate 
you. 

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Absolutely. 
And yeah, please write in guys. 

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You guys have a special ears 
from us. 

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Oh yeah, You can speak more, 
Yeah than everyone else. 

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So we would love to hear from 
you guys. 

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You are more important to us. 
So we're gonna hear from you 

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guys. 
Yeah, I know I do have a couple 

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of stories from you guys that 
will come out in future 

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episodes, which is great. 
So keep those coming. 

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Keep those questions coming, but
be patient with us to get your 

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topics and your stories out 
there. 

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So we'll come. 
We've just want to. 

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We want to make it fit in with 
the rest of the episode too. 

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So that it and we want to be 
ready to talk about it. 

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Yeah, exactly. 
Yeah, and. 

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Some of them we want to go and 
get extra helpful to speak into 

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those spaces rather than just 
our ideas because sometimes 

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they're not great. 
Like, well, they're just not 

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informed. 
They're just not. 

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Helpful or not in that? 
Space yeah, or researched or 

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whatever else. 
So we want to be giving you guys

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the best quality possible and 
the best support possible 

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through the questions or stories
you have. 

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So thank you guys so much, 
really appreciate it and talk to

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you soon.