It's pricking in insecurity and I know that.
And we've, we've shared 10 years of that journey, right?
It's not any easier to bring up and it's actually something I
wanna keep talking about because I don't know how to support you
in this way. This is actually something I
don't know how to support you in, but I really do want to
welcome guys. To Honey, we need to chat.
Yeah, the podcast where we believe communication is
important. Very important.
And that when communication dies, bad things happen.
Yeah, yeah. What Danny Guy song do you have
in your head currently? I'm a robot singing robot.
I had a different one, but now you start singing that now.
But Danny Go is on repeat. Yeah, it's the only show that
our baby will sit still. For every other show, he kind of
just loses interest really quickly.
But Danny go, he just sits there and mesmerised.
So it's been the soundtrack of our week.
I wish we had a show that our feline no not.
Feeling OK? 9 canine child would sit still.
Too well, she sits still. She just also, she's everything.
And he's not sitting still right now.
Right now she's confused why she can't have cuddles up on us as
she normally. Would think some in her seat.
She's being very gracious, letting you sit.
There. Thank you, Madam.
Also, we got new uniforms. Hey, yeah.
Blank hoodies. No brand.
No brand hoodies. Thank you, Kmart.
I guess they are a brand.
Yeah, they're just not super visible.
What brand? But yes, we you'll see a lot of
plain coloured hoodies appearing in the next few weeks slash for
the next rest of the year, let's be honest.
Hopefully without gravy stains this time.
Grabby signs adds character. Yeah, well, it definitely adds
clickbait. Hello.
Not even that. Maybe engagement of people being
like, what's on his shirt. Do they?
No, no. But I hope they do.
One can wish. Anyway, welcome to this week.
We're going to be diving into some Reddit conversations,
Reddit stories. But before we do that, we're
going to break some ice. I am probably an 8 but I feel
very foggy yeah coming into this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am Arkansas 7:00 because of
the fog. You feeling foggy day?
Yeah, feeling tired? Yeah.
But be good, feeling good but tired.
And the tiredness is getting me to A7.
Gotta wake up and shake up. Wake up and shake up.
Alright cool. So Cha Cha has been opened and
the question that's come out of the Cha Cha is if we could
instantly learn one skill or hobby together, what would it
be? Ohk that's a really good
question. Hmm, I reckon dancing.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hmm. Cause then we could do that
together in so many different contexts.
Like which contexts? TikTok Dancing with the Stars
dance when we get famous enough to be invited.
For me, the skill or hobby as my mind is going too practical.
I'm like man, like I would like to take like what is to both
take up jet skiing or not jet skiing, wakeboarding, but we
need a boat and a wakeboard and it's costing much money.
I'm like, what about skiing? And same thing, we need stuff
for the cost. Too much money.
Do you reckon we would get the most enjoyment out of a hobby
like that though? Like that's why I was thinking
something like dancing, so like applicable to so many instances.
This is the thing you say. You say that and I'm I still
question. Tick Dutch, I heard.
He answered. That's one instance, you know, I
reckon skills or hobbies. I think the skill of I was gonna
be sarcastic and the skill of doing a podcast.
That would be handy. Oh man, come out like.
What about marketing? Just instantly amazing and
marketing. Yeah, PR.
One certainly if hobby. Crochet.
That's it. I'm not gonna crochet.
I wish we could both be awesome at crochet.
Is this just? Very legit because yeah, yeah,
Remember I told you I've knitted before I watch.
You do crochet. I don't have the motivation to
learn crochet. I'm like, you know, when we sit
down and watch TV or a movie or something, I have to do
something, right? And I've been playing that, like
colouring in game on the iPad. Yeah, that I need that.
But I don't want to do that when they cough and crochet.
I wanna do crochet well, but I don't want to do.
Bonnie is really not wanting to just relax.
She's just all over the place. Tonight she ate our baby's
dummy, which he doesn't use. He just found today and he used
it and he used it today. Dude, come on.
We also had comments that you weren't visible last week.
Relaxed, gone. So you're making up for it
today. Look at her little head in the
corner. If you can't see her because
you're listening, you should hop on onto YouTube.
Get some dog. Onto the tube.
Dog loving video OK. What?
What did you want to do for a job when you were little?
Well, I've actually spoken extensively about what?
I've learned drama. Oh, that's the only thing I
wanted to that literally the only thing I ever want to say
any. I mean, there was a time where I
was reading a book series and every it was like, I think it
was like 7 kids in this family, adult kids and each one had a
different crazy job. So as one was a cop like, but
not just a cop, it was like a homicide investigator or
something like that. One was an paramedic, paramedic,
one was a paramedic, paramedic, paramedic, paramedic.
One was a paramedic, one was like a an author.
Like all those things. Every book I read, I wanted to
do the thing of the person I was reading the book of.
But I thought you wanted to become an author too.
I think you want to write books and.
Stuff, yeah. I mean, I've always anything
creative, like making movies, acting, being a singer,
songwriter, being a musician, writing a book.
Anything creative like that I've had a moment of wanting to do,
but there's nothing that I was like, actually this is exactly
what I want, like acting. Have also wanted to be an actor
and an author. Well, here we are.
What? This is all a show, living at
our dreams, worried at all acting and I told.
Them all the stuff, yeah. Yeah.
Come up with a whole story and everything.
I started writing it. I think I've got 3 words and
I'm. Like classic, this isn't for me.
Yeah, well, this, there's a few things like that in our past
that we've had the same interest, which is weird because
we're such different people and we've discovered it every time.
One being that we both played bass guitar, bass guitar, bass
clarinet, Yeah. Which is so random, yeah.
Yeah, I didn't know that. I did not do that.
That's right. Cause I did.
I was in like music class and I think I know I started with
keyboard and everywhere in music class everyone wanted the
keyboard and by the time I got to an instrument that like was
left it was the base. Current Well, I play bass
clarinet all through high school, so I was a little more
accomplished, but I am very proud that we've we played the
same clarinet now. I didn't own one ever.
Yeah, so I did. You you owned a bass clarinet?
Think so. I think your bold face lying
right now. Where's the bass clarinet?
Bold face lying. Alright, well, that's great.
I think I did. I think I owned it but.
You maybe you rented it like I did from school, I don't
remember. They're very expensive, like
$5000. Maybe I rented it.
Yeah, I borrowed it. From We could always ask you
mom, No. Anyway, ice has been broken.
We're going to dive into these conversations.
We're going to take a little break for a second and get some
energy. Honey, we need to chat.
Whoa. Welcome back.
We are back. Good.
We're back. Girl, we've got all the energy,
girls. We're good.
We're getting there. Yeah, yeah.
Sorry about that. Speaking to you, make it am I.
Right, have 4 kids, they said. It'll be fun, they said.
No one said that, but it is fun. But I'll say, all right, let's
dive into these stories, Reddit stories on the topic of those
hard conversations. We have hard conversations that
people navigate in relationships that are sometimes necessary,
sometimes maybe not as necessary.
But having the hard conversation is a really important skill and
not something that everybody knows how to tackle.
So we're going to discuss some of these.
Well, like a lot of people, steer away.
From a boy. Too hard, I can't be bothered,
I'm too tired or whatever else. And yeah, for us, we want to
keep on pressing into those in the right way and in the right
time. Exactly.
Yeah. For the right motivation.
Yeah. Yeah.
So we're just gonna touch on these stories and explore how we
might navigate them and explore a few angles.
Dive right in. First story from our slash
relationship. All of these stories will be our
slash relationship on Reddit. How do you tell your partner
that you need to hear them say something without feeling like
they're reading a script when they say it?
Male 30 and female 22. I don't feel like my partner
cares or thinks about me. She keeps insisting that I
should just tell her what I need, but I don't need specific
things. I need evidence that she's
thinking about me. Today she suggested we watch a
show we're currently watching together.
I was excited too, but then she remembered she wanted to run
some errands. While at the grocery store, she
overheard some teenagers making fun of her.
When I tried to console her, she said it felt like a parent
talking to a child and she didn't want to be spoken to like
that. It wasn't my intention and I
don't know how else to speak, so I excused myself to our spare
bedroom. I texted her that I was done for
the day and invited her to watch the show by herself.
I really want her to tell me that she doesn't want to watch
the show without me and I want to tell her that that's what I
need from her. But she's a people pleaser and I
don't think I can believe her if she repeats back to me what I
have said I wanted to hear. How do I tell her what I what to
say without telling her what to say?
I just want to say this is an example story.
The actual story itself bit more layers to it.
We'll discuss it, but I think this touches on something that
I've I resonate with a little bit and I think is pretty common
where there's a certain thing that you need from your partner,
but asking them for that feels like you're taking away some of
the authenticity of it and how to have that conversation
without losing that. I'm a little bit confused over
the story because multiple parts.
Can you break it down again? OK, so basically basically he
doesn't feel like she loves her very much.
He doesn't feel like she shows her love for him very often.
Hmm. And she always says if you need
something, you tell me. But he doesn't necessarily know
what he wants or how to ask it for from her.
Today he was excited about spending time with her because
she said she wanted to watch their show together.
She had to go grab something from the grocery store before
that and while she was there, something happened.
This is what It's a bit confusing to you too.
She ever heard people teasing her and then she got upset about
that he was trying to console her.
He got frustrated at how he did that.
So he he was frustrated that this is where the layers come
in. Removed himself, Master Tran
said. I don't want to watch the show
with you tonight. You can watch it on your own
and. Only went to the spare.
Bed. He went to spare bedroom to do
that. All he wanted her to say was
that she didn't want to watch it without him.
Even how I'm explaining this is just complicate you understand?
Hopefully. I think.
I think I'll get it now. Yeah, I'm going to break it down
to a few different sections. I think that how they're
functioning has a few issues in it that are playing into this.
So there's there's probably more topics than just the like the
question that he asks, which is how do you get them to say
something to you that doesn't feel like a script?
Basically, they are playing games in how how they're
interacting. Well, at least he's playing
games. Yeah, because he is reacting
very obviously. We didn't see the conversation.
In my opinion, he's reacting strangely over the.
Top and coming sounds a bit childish.
It's like he's going and sulking because she told him that she
doesn't want to be parented in the way he was comforting her.
And maybe she said that in a really rude way.
Like, who knows? I don't know.
But I don't think there's ever been a time where we've removed
ourselves to have our moment, then held it against like, then
played a game with it. Sort of like texting you to say.
Can you? Watch it with you by yourself.
Yeah, yeah, sending you a text from another.
Room, that's such a bizarre behaviour.
Like I'm sure there's been times around like I'm not in the mood
for this anymore. Like the the shifted, I'm not in
the mood and that's OK. But I think all of these
different things is playing into this picture that's building in
my head where it's just a little bit childish.
There's some weird stuff going on communication wise, so I
think there's stuff they'd have to iron out before this one
thing is, if that's how it's played out, you know, she's been
upset by whatever it is she overheard.
Then he was kind of babying her when he was consoling her.
And she's like, no, I don't like that.
And then he's gone and sulked in the room and texted her that he
doesn't want to show. It's highly unlikely by that
stage that she's going to say no, I don't want to watch it
without you. Like who's gonna like you're
already, she's already frustrated and.
Supposed to be more frustrated. Yeah, I'd be like, OK, good.
I didn't wanna watch it with you anymore.
Like you talking in your bedroom in the spare bedroom.
Yeah. So I I think it's wishful
thinking that she's gonna just say that on her own.
Yeah, removing all of that background stuff, removing the
rest of the story that they've said.
If we just focus on the question he's asked us, which is how do I
get her to say this thing that I want her to say without it then
feeling like a script? The reality is there will be
times that we've spoken about this when we've referred to love
languages where it will feel like a bit of a forced process,
receiving the love from your partner in the way that you
wanted to. And I've definitely experienced
this with you and I'm sure you felt this with me as well.
Like the gifts, for example, when I first started giving you
gifts, I'm sure it was just like, actually first gift ever.
Second head scratching. Yeah.
Glare on our first Christmas
ever. But to be fair to me, we hadn't
discussed whether we're gonna do presents.
And I don't think we're officially dating at that stage
either. I think.
Or maybe we had been for a day or two.
He got me a $400.00 spa voucher for one of the local spas, and
which is incredible. And I had thought I had really
wrestled because I knew gifts were important to you.
And I was like, we haven't said we're going to do them, but I'm
going to get him something anyway, so I'm to go without.
I had bought him one of these little head stretch of things
from like like a really cheap one.
I think it was a vibrating one, but it didn't.
Work. And, and I got it from like one
of these pop up stores in the in the in the shops.
And then you had to give them to each other on Christmas Day.
And didn't smash my window. That.
Yeah, because I was mowing your lawns.
But that wasn't my. Fault.
Well, no, but you caused pain. Cause pain anyway.
So I'm sure at the early stages the presence felt forced.
It was the same with there's times where, you know, words
like we've spoken about weren't a natural way for you to show me
love. So there's times where those
would have felt forced. And I think there has to be an
element of grace when you're learning those things.
If you're one of your partner to succeed in this area, you have
to have grace for them to be clunky.
Absolutely you need grace, but you need to have that, that
teamwork in growing that, you know, I mean, because a lot of
the times where we're discovering things about
ourselves. So for me to expect for you to
know exactly what I need, when I need it, how I need it, whatever
else, that's not fair. I don't think we could actually
communicate clearly in a if we didn't communicate clearly, you
know, I mean, like, I don't think, I don't think my needs
would be clear to you if I don't help you understand them.
Yeah. Doesn't make sense.
Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.
So, yeah. That that was all I was gonna
say. Yeah.
So I think if the point is not just a matter of showing grace,
we need to be aware that you need to have the conversation.
You need to be able to share what you need because that's the
teamwork. That's the team growing.
Yeah. And I think this is, I think as
well, you need to remove yourself from the instance
because if his whole whole aim is that in this moment, this
night, she's going to message him and say, no, I can't wait.
I don't, I don't want to watch this without you.
And that's always focused on and that will be the win for him or
the loss, depending on how it goes, that is is likely to fail,
especially because of the story we've just heard.
If his aim is it hurts when she doesn't say these things to me.
So I'm going to, we need to then, like you said, work as a
team in discovering what it is that I'm needing ongoing.
So in the future when this happens, she will know, oh I
actually need to hear from her that she enjoys having me there.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
So it's not you're not going to fix that environment that
moments not gonna be not a script.
If she's going to say it, it's going to sound like a script.
Thank if we have a look at this and kind of talk about how we
would talk about it. So he starts it off by saying I
don't feel like my partner cares or thinks about me.
She keeps insisting that I should just tell her what I
need, but I don't need specific things.
I need evidence that she's thinking about me.
So that to me straight off the bat is a conversation about love
languages. It's a conversation about that
kind of exploration together. And it sounds like they're not
having conversations. You know, I mean, it's a lot of
expectations and assumptions. Yeah, well, expectations on
assumptions. So it's like, I expect you to
know this about me. I expect you to want to do this
stuff for me. But there's just no evidence
that they're actually exploring that together and growing in
that. Together.
Yeah, exactly. So he's saying she's like, tell
me what you need. And he's like, I don't need
anything specific, I just need to know that you're thinking
about me. I don't think that's true.
I think he does need something specific.
So probably words, because it sounds like words are a thing
for him, but he needs to explore that himself, obviously.
Yeah, I mean words, quality time, you know, could be a bunch
of different things for sure. Yeah, just from this story,
that's what it sounds like to me.
So I think it's important. If if this was me, I would be
saying, and I have we have had this conversation where I've
said to you that I don't necessarily feel that you, I
don't feel your love. Hmm.
And I've also said actually almost exactly this, where I
don't feel like I take up much space in your head.
Sometimes There's been times where I felt that way.
And so that's like a really valid thing for him to raise
with her, I think. And then I can imagine as well
receiving, will you tell me what you need then is probably like a
bit of a could be a brush off feeling as well.
Like also you just put it back on me.
You just need me to tell you what I need, which is kind of
Fair. Like you do need that person to
tell you what they need. Like we've said, it's until you
can communicate what's going on for you, it's not really fair to
expect it back from your partner.
But if I was his partner, I would want to explore that with
him. I wouldn't necessarily just be
like, tell me what you need. I'd be like, well, like what?
What has made you felt the love the most, which is conversation
we've had? Like what things have stood out
to you? You've told me about the mug
that you love. Not this one.
It's a good one. It is a good one.
It's the second good one. Yeah.
So I think I would start there, start with that conversation,
exploring it. What is it that's made you feel
loved before? If she loves him, she would want
him to feel loved. Hmm.
So it should be a challenge that they take on together.
Yeah, and I, I just see it easily falling into complacency,
you know, in her response. So we were saying, yeah, if this
was us in this position. Alright, so I don't know if you
wanna do role playing. Right.
Alright, so you're the guy. Hmm.
On the girl, let's flip that. You can say the girl outside the
guy. Yeah.
I think first of all, there's different layers.
So how would we address this? I think the first thing that we
would have actually addressed is his response and just leaving,
walking away and not coming back.
That's it's escaping, it's moving on.
It's not addressing. It's.
Yeah, I think that would be the first thing that we talk about
is no, we need a process. This is obviously something that
we need to work on, so let's work on it.
Let's not just leave it and be like I'm sulking now.
I'm not even gonna sleep in the same bed as you.
Yeah. It feels so minor of a thing for
that to be the response. Yeah, but it's one either he
could be a bit sensitive and dramatic or it could be actually
there's quite a lot of things building up in here and he's
it's just hurting him, right. Either way, I don't think I
response is the right response and we neither of us would be OK
if either of us did that to each other.
Then I think it would be a matter of OK, both of them are
having communication issues. One, he's saying that she's not
speaking love to him. He's not feeling that from her.
So it is a love language conversation.
Yeah, to she's saying that she doesn't like the way that he
spoke to her about comforting her and stuff like that too.
So I feel like there's and there's other courses and, and
things we could look into the future.
There's the love languages, but there's also an apology language
as well. There's all these different
things and again, the way that a big thing that I've had to learn
again, and a lot of guys do don't fix it for you.
You know what I mean? And again, I learn that and, and
still am very much learning that cause my mind constantly goes to
fix it mode and I am learning that through the conversations
that we're having. So that's the layers that I'll
break it down to. It's actually a great story to
start off to today's episode because it's it's just
highlighting again that the conversation isn't happening.
And from his response, it doesn't sound like he's willing
in that moment. And for us, we would press in in
the right time, in the right way and address it.
Address it like, not just drop it off.
So I think that's a big thing for this one.
Yeah, it's a good one to start with.
Yeah. Hey guys, just wanted to pop in
and take a SEC to talk about the extra content you can find over
on our Patreon and our Spotify subscription.
We have a fun little community growing over there with extra
episodes, extra stories. We're also going to have
resources, messages back and forth, and also submitting
listener stories through that portal as well.
So sorry outro. Themes If you want to be a part
of our closer knit community here at Honey, we need to chat.
Please hop on over to Patreon or Spotify subscriptions and join
us there. We would love to see you.
Thanks guys. Thanks.
Well, on to the second one then. Yeah, what's the 2nd?
One second one is fiance won't stop talking about weight.
What should I do to get her to stop bringing it up constantly?
The tough one. And a big one.
Huge one. Yeah.
So my 28 male girlfriend, 25 female, is not as skinny as she
was a few years ago. She keeps saying that she's fat,
but she is not. I'll admit she's not skinny, but
she's not overweight. Yesterday she told me a coworker
at her new job that she worked with a few years ago said she
was fat now. Then again today I told her that
that wasn't the case and that this coworker who she barely
knows is insane and incredibly insecure to bring it up twice
within less than 24 hours. I've already discussed lifestyle
changes that we can both make so we can look our best for our
wedding in six months. She's probably brought this up
around 10 times in the last three months.
I want to be understanding but nothing I say makes it better.
She knows it's a sore subject but still brings it up.
I listen, but it's kind of driving me crazy when I have to
deal with her calling herself fat when she isn't.
It hurts me to see a beautiful person beat herself up when she
looks great. Maybe she needs therapy.
I have no idea what to do. This is a really common issue.
Yeah, yeah. So for so many reasons.
I'm actually really looking for this conversation because this
has been like knowing how to talk about this topic has been
really, really hard. Yeah.
And I think it is for a lot of guys as well to know how to have
a conversation, you know, because it's such a sensitive
thing and rightly so. But I want I want to hear from
your perspective on a lot of your thoughts on this topic.
So layered this topic and that's why it's so complicated.
And I think each story is going to be different.
So his story is coming out from a perspective of she isn't fat.
She keeps saying she's fat and she's bringing it up all the
time. I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to tell her to stop talking about this kind of
thing. And also that he has suggested
practical ways to work on the weight, but she hasn't taken
those up. And that's the classic trying to
fix. Something exactly.
So there's in this instance, there's a few things that come
to mind right away. It is obvious that she's
insecure about this. The first thing is it's an
insecurity and an insecurity is separate to facts.
So there's a fact that she has gained weight.
There's a fat, fat, you know it's gonna do that.
Nothing on it. There's a fact.
There's a fact that she is not overweight as his perspective at
least. The fact is she isn't
overweight, but she's also not skinny.
So there's a facts, there's a separate to the emotional side
of things and then there's insecurities.
And we have walked this journey from from my side many times in
many different ways. And we'll probably continue to
do that because it's such a complicated issue.
And we have our own children and one of those is a daughter.
And doesn't mean it's only girls navigate this, but it's just
seems more common in that area, so we're probably gonna walk in
that way too. When you're navigating your
partner in an insecurity, it is a different thing to navigating
a fact. So he's aware of the facts and
he's hopefully aware that she's insecure because if someone's
raising it this many times, that sounds insecure, so he should be
reading those signs. So there's a whole different way
of going about it when you're talking about that insecurity.
And I think the biggest thing for me is the curiosity that we
mentioned a lot on the podcast, because if you come in trying to
fix it when someone's insecure about something, about their
physical appearance and often wait, then you get tripped up in
this thing where it's like, oh, so you do think of that.
Yeah. Yeah.
So you do think I've got a problem.
So you do think that I shouldn't be the way that I am or I'm not
as valuable the way that I am and it just is a big trap, which
is really upsetting because it shouldn't necessarily be that
way. But it is.
It is that way. Yeah.
But I can see from his perspective and from a guy's
perspective, your perspective, I can see how complicated it must
be to navigate this because, you know, the times where you've
heard me complain about my weight and then in your head
been like, well, I can't tell her.
Like, maybe we should start walking or something like that.
Like, you can't. It's you.
I would feel like my hands were tied a lot in these
conversations. Imagine it would be.
Complicated. Can I paint a scenario like
yeah, Arsenal. Yeah, so and you guys might
remember a couple of weeks ago and I mentioned the chat Jai
came up with a question was what something is hard to bring up
and this was it for me. Is this was the the hard thing
to bring? Up, not the weight.
Not, not the weight is. Amy mentions about how she wants
to walk in the mornings and so forth.
And I encourage you to walk in the mornings, but you don't do
it. And then I'm like, well, I, I
know that five start going down this line.
If I bring it up again, it's going to cause it's, it's, it's
pricking in insecurity. And I know that and we've, we've
shared 10 years of that journey, right?
It's not any easier to bring up. And it's actually something I
wanna keep talking about because I don't know how to support you
in this way. This is actually something I
don't know how to support you in, but I really do want to.
But it's not even just a matter of supporting.
It's a matter of how do I even have the conversation?
Because every time I do, it's like not, not the yellow, not
that you've exaggerated or blown up, but it does it.
The conversation turns into something that it wasn't meant
to be. A lot bigger.
Yeah, exactly. So I brought up like, well, you
know, I don't know how to talk to you about walking in the
mornings and that just trickled a whole other thought for you.
I'm like, no, literally, cause you mentioned do you want to
walk in the mornings and you haven't been doing that.
How can I support you in that? My response is, well, all you
need to do, Amy, you need to send alarm.
You need to get that. We've got a dog now.
It helps you, you just go for a little walk everyday.
Just focus on and I'll go straight down to the, the
practicalities and the the facts of what you need to do.
And that's not what you need. I know it's not what you need,
but I can't get my brain out of that mode.
So This is why it's so hard. It's not just a matter of how
you respond. I just know the what, the way
that I want to approach it is not helpful.
And as well, I'm someone like I, I'm sitting on this for a couple
of days and because I was literally walking the dog one
day and I was thinking through it, I'm like, oh man, I know
that Amy, how can I support Amy in this?
How can I encourage her to do the things that she wants to do?
You've been on an amazing fitness journey for the whole
time that I've known you. You've really worked hard the
motion at this year and last year, right?
You've been doing really, really great.
And we've spoken about our goals we want to achieve in fitness so
that when we are older, we are capable, like we can move and,
you know, we're not bound to the seat because we can't get up,
right. So that's what's in my mind on
this walk. And like, I, I really want to
encourage you, but I don't know how to bring it up.
Yeah. And then I brought it up because
it was a question from the chat jar and the conversation wasn't
great. You know, I mean, it was, it was
a good ending, but we didn't actually discuss the thing
because. Yeah, the conversation wasn't
bad, that the reason that that conversation got derailed is so
it's so dynamic. I know.
And this is, I wanna have this conversation now, I don't want
to be wrong cause I know, I know.
It's, it's how I've said it too. And I can't get out of my head.
Yeah, I get it on how to say it and I wanna learn that.
How do I bring this up? How do I support?
You but that's why I'm laughing is because literally, literally
you saying it carefully irritates the crap out.
So like you being like how? Because this is how you brought
it up daily. I want to know how to talk to
you about walking. So to me, I'm just like, Oh my
God, like if you had said I want to know how to talk to you about
like going for your morning walks, I still probably would
have been like sensitive to it, but it just but.
And so you do this not always keep getting better at it, but
when you're trying to bring up the thing that's kind of hard,
you'll say you said you didn't want to get takeout or something
like that. And so then I'm more irritated
at the attitude behind it instead of being like you said
you didn't want to get take up. But I totally get why you.
Trying to be sensitive. Sensitive thing.
So I'm gonna be like you said, you didn't wanna and so it's I
understand how unfair it is. Like I really get that it's such
a dynamic thing because if there's a hint that my value is
dependent on my fitness or my weight or that I am, I'm a
better person or I'm a more, I'm morally better or I'm like, I'm
just the, the better. I don't know what other words
put to it because I'm doing hard work with my fitness or I'm
doing hard work my nutrition, I'm making wise choices with my
activity. It really, because I'm so these
insecurities are so deeply ingrained into who I am, it
really triggers that for me and for me, my response to those
things is not work harder, which some peoples it is some people
that are insecure to these things would be like, yeah, no,
I gotta work harder. And they get like more, more
intense with the thing, which is also a problem.
It just looks positive, but really deeply it's, it's a
problem. But for me, my reaction is I
shut down and I, I get real like stuck in my head and just like
feel like I can't do anything. So then I'll do even less.
And so it's just such a complicated issue that really I
think the major thing is just the continual work on the inside
stuff and how you support me through that is, is really
tough. And I, I don't know the answer
for those things. I.
Completely get that. And that's The thing is like,
alright, well, how do we move forward?
Do you know? I mean, like, I, yeah, I, I, I
do try and be very sensitive to it.
And I just, I don't know, just hearing you say the way that I
say I'm like, yeah. I do.
I'm, I'm so cautious and so aware of how it affects you and
I'm trying my hardest to say it in the right way.
Yeah, I know as I'm saying it, it's not the right way, but I'm
like, I have no clue. Like.
Yeah, it's, it is. The reality is it is an unfair
expectation that you're just going to know how to navigate.
I don't know how to navigate. So it's would be even harder for
someone who's not in the same headspace to navigate that.
So it's, I believe it's a really unfair thing that a lot of guys
get stuck with this complicated dance that people have to do
with insecurities, I think. And like, I think when you're in
a relationship, you have unfair things.
You do have to carry different burdens for each other, but I
think the unfair side of it is the attitude that some people
have about it where it's like, oh, guys, guys will never know
how to communicate about this. No, they probably don't because
they're they're not gonna say like it would be so complicated
to be trying to have that conversation from an external.
I totally understand how difficult it is purely because I
don't even know how to have it and I'm the one navigating it.
I feel like a lot of women struggle to talk to women about
it too. Yeah, right.
Cause again, I, I see a lot of comments and things that women
talking about society puts this pressure on women in media puts
this pressure on women to look at certain look a certain way
and so forth. So there's all this external
pressure that even women don't know how to navigate that
conversation too. So of course guys struggle with
it. But at the same time, like you,
you mentioned, you know, it's, it's unfair to put that burden
on. I mean, we all bring our stuff
though. Do you mean like it's not a fair
thing? Well, that's what I mean.
Relationships aren't fair. It's exactly.
So for me, it's like, well, no, this is I think last episode we
spoke about how how I feel like I put more on our family because
a lot of my stuff is external. You know, I mean, this is still
a very internal thing for you. And that's where it's hard to
bring up to because I know it's such a real thing for you, but I
know it's internal for you. Yeah.
And that's where it's hard to talk about cause like, how do I
draw that out so we can work on it?
But at the same time, I don't wanna just draw it out.
Yeah, I wanna draw it exactly. I wanna, I wanna lift you up
because the end of the day it's not.
I don't want you to come across of like, I think you are the
most unfit person. I think you should do this,
that, this, that. I was like, no, actually, I know
the goals that you set for yourself and I wanna be the guy
on the sidelines cheering you on.
And I wanna carry you if I can, you know, jump the sidelines and
come and carry you if I can. But I have no clue how to do
that in the way that's actually going to lift you up.
So I, well, what do you think we could do going forward from here
then? Cause like you said, you don't
even know what to do. What?
What can we do? I think the reinforcement of my
value, hmm. And that would be I think the
case across the board. Similarly to when I was like,
I'm not, I know you don't think I'm the most beautiful girl in
the world. And then you went on to explain,
actually you are because of who you are to me.
And all of that is what beauty is.
So it wasn't just you're the most beautiful person in the
world and that's it and move on. Hmm.
Because This is why. So I think when you're
navigating someone who's insecure in a space, continuing
to reassure them of how valuable they are to you is really
important. So the times are you reassure me
of how I am, how beautiful I am to you, or how valuable the
things that you draw out about my value outside of my looks.
It's huge for me because when you've got an insecurity that's
physical, whether it's like valid or not, Hmm, It, it is so
changeable. It's so like vulnerable feeling
because I have found even when I got fitter and I lost weight, my
insecurities didn't disappear. That they're separate issues.
So the facts that she's, she's not skinny, but she's not
overweight is a separate issue to her thinking she's fat.
They're there are two things to navigate.
And so if you can continue to encourage and and uplift me in
those spaces on my values, not my my appearance, your
appearance doesn't change your attraction because appearance
being what your attraction is based on is the most stupid,
like vulnerable, crumbly thing because everybody ages and
everybody changes. So like no one can avoid that.
And if you try to avoid it, you end up looking totally different
as well. So it's if that's where that's
sitting, that's just so vulnerable and honestly mind
boggling to me. So the more that that someone in
a relationship with someone who's insecure can reassure them
of their value outside of their appearance, outside of their
insecurity, can point out the things that are the opposite.
So you pointing out the things that I add value to that have
nothing to that have just to do with my internal self, like who
I am rather than how I look super helpful.
And you do that. And then in terms of goals, I
think fitness goals, health goals, internal external health,
like all of the health stuff that's all tied in together,
those are like holistic things. And so when I navigate them for
myself holistically and I'm like, I just want to be the best
person I can be. Not because I want to look this
way because I'm just so narrow focused that I have to have this
kind of body. If it's because I want to live
longer, I want to like you reminding me of the long term
goals of our health is huge as well.
Because I want to be able to play with my kids.
I want to not be tired all the time.
I wanna be in 20-30 years time, I wanna be able to run around
with my grandkids. Like those things are really
important too because they're again, they're not based on my
looks, they're not based on my value as a person.
They're based on a goal to work towards together.
So in terms of the insecurity then hmm, my role like what is
my role like? So this is still unpacking that.
So yes, I can say all these things without help with your
own security shouldn't mean like how will that navigate?
Because I can, I can talk about the future.
I can talk about, you know, you're worth to me, all that
sort of stuff. And that's gonna make you feel
good and it's gonna show my love to you, all that sort of stuff.
But is it gonna help with your own security?
And if not, again, this isn't helping me understand, well,
what's my role to play? Is this something where, look,
it's just too sensitive and I don't have a role here because
it's too hard to talk about or what?
Like what is my role in that in that situation?
I think the curiosity is a huge thing.
You are. Mostly curious, but you also
don't necessarily investigate me.
Yeah, the way that I investigate you, which is a personality
thing, Absolutely. But so I think, and The thing is
like all these conversations we've had, so it's not a matter
of now discovering this, but I think you, your role in the
insecurity side of it, in my thinking is about helping draw
out where it came from, exploring what that meant for
me, how it made me feel, the little comments that stood out
to me. Those kinds of things, I think
is probably just being part of that journey is most helpful for
me. Yeah.
So how do you, cause I'm trying to learn from you cause I gotta
see you do such a great job with this, just this curiosity and
you, you dig into that stuff and it's like, it's not just a
question, It's a question with care.
I think that's such a great gift, gift that you have with
people, which is where people just feel so safe with you.
They feel so seen with you, right?
How do you do that? We've, we've spoken about all
these things before. We've spoken about the path,
we've spoken about these insecurities.
We've asked these questions. What does that look like
ongoing? Is it continually asking the
same question? Is it?
I don't know. I, I, I.
What does that look? Like we've had so many
conversations about each other and I, for me, it's like you're
still a puzzle. I've got most of the picture of
you. There's still some blank spots
or there's parts that don't connect.
And I'm not quite sure where that comes from.
And it's just my head ticking over.
And so when I asked those questions, I'm like, it's almost
the same story. Like I've heard that kind of
most of that story, but I've never asked this question, which
kind of connects one puzzle piece to another.
And then all of a sudden when we have that conversation, even
though we've almost had the exact same conversation before,
it's like everything clicks into place and that part of the
puzzle is clear. And so that's how I view the
curiosity when I talk about curiosity and podcast ever, it's
that kind of thing. It's not just a matter of being
like, I'm sitting with someone and I need to show curiosity
them. So I'm going to think of a
question I can ask and then they answer me and like, that's nice.
And that's just gone. It's a matter of like, you're
looking at a puzzle. There's a bunch of pieces in
different places and you don't have a clear picture yet, so
you're trying to put those together.
And when it's your partner, that's your forever person.
So that puzzle should be the most intense.
If it's a friend, you'll probably just kind of like
slowly tick away and maybe not get a full picture ever.
That's what happens for me in my head.
And that's such a specific thing.
I don't know that something that people can learn.
I really believe people can learn it because my mind is
thinking through like I feel like guys are very block minded,
right? It's like I've asked that
question that that block complete now that block
complete, that block complete. And we go through the different
questions and when we inquire like, OK, inquiry complete where
your mind doesn't really complete.
Yeah, you know, I mean, like it's well, it's not just that it
doesn't complete, it's like you haven't completed that yet
because there's a whole, it's not a bunch of different boxes.
It's actually a whole masterpiece, like and that's
that's the level that you're looking at.
And I I really believe you can learn to do that.
And I think the beauty and something I really, really
appreciate with you is you give me the space to learn that, you
know, and, and I identifying that we do think differently and
we do have different strengths and different weaknesses.
And I know a lot of people, guys and girls, don't give each other
that space to learn because they have that expectation that we
saw in the. First story.
Yeah, you should know this about me.
You should know to do this. Why don't you do this?
Yeah, a lot of it is learning. Well, we gotta learn how to
paint that picture. And that's what I'm doing now.
And I, I still need to learn that.
Cause in my head I'm like, I don't even know what question I
could ask to help paint a bigger picture for me.
I just, I just like come to my head and that's not a cop out.
That's now cool. That's my that's my growth point
right now. This is what I want to work on
the most is how do I paint a bigger picture?
Yeah, of the story of Amy and, and everything that's involved
with you so. Yeah, In my head, it's like if
someone asked me about you, I wanna have all the answers
eventually. And I don't have all the
answers, but I want to be able to be like, oh, yeah, actually.
Because when he was like in high school, something happened to
him and he like, it messed up his knee.
And so he wasn't able to do this, this and this.
Like I just, I want to be able to answer the like when we're
becoming one, which is what I believe marriage is.
I want that to mean that we're more and more becoming the
stories the same. Like it's like your story, my
story. I can recall things that I
wasn't there for because we've spoken about them and I
understand how they impact you. And when you react suddenly out
of something, it's not because you're just being like annoying.
It's because of whatever is triggered that for you.
You're a person like me who has emotions and positives and
negatives. And most people, unless they're
like narcissistic or they've got some kind of mental health thing
going on that means they're incapable of being functioning
normally, most people are going to function the same way as us
in different ways. And so if someone's acting weird
or someone's got a strange reaction or someone's being
juvenile or immature or something, it's not just.
That's who they are. That's who they are and that's
how they're gonna be like. I think that doesn't mean we
have to fix it. Like if that's happening in a
relationship, it's fair to be like, actually, no, I'm not
really OK with that. But when you're committed to
somebody and you love them, I want to know that person.
Yeah. As if I wanna know what makes
you react that way. So yeah.
I think this is really, really important.
I know for a fact a lot of our male listeners are gonna be
listening to this episode and like, and, and just really
appreciating your vulnerability and sharing that because a lot
of what guys are trying to do is, is getting to the mind of
our partners, right? Like, what do you value?
Because again, like we just think so differently because
even then I'm like, I, I could answer, I could answer any
question someone had about you, but it'd be all
compartmentalised, you know, I mean, all we block information
be that category, that category where with you, it's all tied in
together. And that's what I'm trying to
improve on. And I really believe I can and I
know want to. They really important thing
though, is that you the way your brain works isn't wrong.
No, I'm just the same way as like when I'm taking it all
these little pieces. That's why I get so anxious or I
get so overwhelmed. You know, I get so stuck in not
being like, we had something other day where I was like
frustrated or like whatever at this person and I just, but I
also couldn't like communicate about it.
And it's all just communicate the way that they communicate
bloodly. Exactly.
But I can't do that because of this.
Like my brain just gets, it's too overwhelming.
Yeah. So I think the beauty of
relationship is you're not working with one person isn't
becoming like the other person. You're both coming like each
other. So learning that
compartmentalization is so important as well.
Absolutely. If your partner is insecure
about something, you need to remove the logic and the facts
and the fixing and all that stuff from that conversation.
You need to enter it curiously, gently, not in a patronising
way. If you want to be able to
communicate with them clearly, you need to come in gently,
curiously. I think that's a good way to
start. Just instead of being like,
tiptoed to awkward and they know it's awkward and I'm going to
just say it or I'm not going to say it.
Yeah, yeah. Be like, just have a
conversation with them. Like that's kind of the tone
that I'm talking about. Honestly, a lot of guys weren't
and I wouldn't. Yeah, because we know it's such
a sensitive thing. And we will get so much in our
head of, like, again, we want our partners to feel the most
beautiful. Yeah, but there's an issue
there. And like with this, you know,
she's saying she's fat. We wanna dress that.
I have no clue how. Yeah, that's not.
It's like either say no, you're not fat or don't talk about.
It Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
And well, I know from a lot of the conversations I've had with
guys, we shut down, yeah, man. But it, it niggles at us because
it was like, I don't want to leave it there, but it's, I
could do so much damage in this space.
And, and a lot of guys and girls have done so much damage to, to
both men and women, but mainly women in this space too.
And so that's why it's such a sensitive thing and and such a
desire for guys to learn how to have that conversation.
Yeah. And I'll just say as well, if
you think you're avoiding the conversation because you're not
talking about it, you're not avoiding it.
You're actually having a very loud conversation.
It's just not the conversation you got any control over it.
And that would be the same across the board with any of
these hard conversations, though it is complicated.
I think being, I think your honesty has been the biggest
thing where you're like, I don't know how to talk to you about
this. So that conversation we had the
other week on the podcast wasn't a bad conversation, wasn't mad
hard bringing up. It was a hard conversation.
But you said, I don't know how to talk to you about this.
I was about how it started. And so the difficulty in that
conversation was exploring why it is that I'm so triggered.
And so the actual you bringing it up was on the issue.
And I think if you come in with an honesty about it and say, I,
I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I'm just wondering
how this is for you or where did it start for you or where are
you at with this and that kind of thing.
I think that kind of. Honestly curiosity is a really
good place to start. Hmm.
Not fixing it, not factual, not logical, not irritated or
triggered yourself. Like yeah, not fun.
That's a good, really good conversation.
Actually really appreciate that conversation cause it's very
real and. Very relevant.
And it's very vulnerable if you just share that.
Yeah. And so I appreciate no worries
and I wanna keep exploring it. Thanks.
I think just to quickly to wrap up the story that is connected
to that started it all. He's his question is fiance
won't stop talking about white. How can I get her to stop
bringing it up? The reality is you're not going
to get her to stop bringing it up until you are understanding
her and walking that journey with her more.
I think if your focus is, how can I get her to stop talking
about this? You're missing the.
Mark, yeah, you're missing the point.
Missing the issue is Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
OK, last hard conversation. Yeah, just to keep them coming.
Keep them coming. Wife sex drive is nonexistent.
My wife 27 female has low sex drive.
This person's way of writing as well is just very comical so I'm
going to read it the way they write it.
Wife has low sex drive fullstop causing problems fullstop.
My wife 27 female and I 26 male have a terrible sex life.
She knows it and I hate it. I have tried in the past to get
on it OHS I've tried in the past to get it on OK and not not much
different and she doesn't ever want it.
She doesn't like being cuddled in bed.
She doesn't like me asking for it.
She says oh we'll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes too tired. I know this sounds like a blame
game but my sex drive is high and hers is low.
The compromise for me would be to do it a little bit but that
doesn't happen. I've just worked away for two
weeks. I expected to come home and
heard a wanted a little bit. Not even a mention of it dot dot
dot. We go on dates a lot and we show
affection in other ways so I'm not sure why it doesn't happen.
I'm starting to think she isn't attracted to me anymore.
We don't have any kids. I'm at my end and struggling to
see a way through. It causes a lot of arguments.
Please does anyone have any ideas?
I am. I, I feel there's a whole other
level. And this is another one to where
it's just hard. A lot of learning for guys, I
think, and me as well, about not just a sex drive, but what goes
on for a woman's body too, because there's hormonal stuff.
There's a lot of things going on.
It's not just she won't do it. Yeah, could be.
I don't know. Maybe he's ugly.
I don't know like. As we said, attraction is not
all physics. Exactly.
So I don't think it's, I don't know.
I think again, it's a lot of questions and a lot of
exploring. Like is she OK with how it is?
He said she knows it, he hates it.
I feel like when you get the extra pressure on it, you know,
it's like it could be more deterring for her.
That's 100%. I, I feel like it's an
exploration because it might be a medical thing too.
And I don't think guys have that understanding of women's bodies.
And I definitely don't to a level of empathy towards what
they could be going through, what you guys could be going
through too. You know, I don't wanna derail
on this too much, but I, I, A real eye opener for me was when
I listened to a podcast. It was a mental health podcast,
but it's this one episode was on an applause.
And it was such an eye opener for me cause I was like, wow,
like your bodies. I don't have to deal or think
about any of this stuff. And so when when I hear guys
talk about she won't do this, she won't do that, I might do
you. You just don't know.
Like, I don't know. I heard one podcast and it blew
my mind. So yeah, so much exploration
there to do for a couple in this area rather than they won't put
out. Yeah, I think we've got a really
interesting perspective on this because at the beginning of our
marriage, your drive was a lot lower than mine.
And so we had that journey to navigate.
Now my drive is a lot and yours and there's so many factors that
we would have to do more than three podcasts on it to talk
about what goes into those things.
But you're so right. It's not just it's not just
physical in that moment. She doesn't wanna do it.
Hmm. I don't know the physiological
stuff, but in my understanding, loosely, guys can be in the mood
very quickly, out of mood very quickly.
It's like sort of just like, Oh yeah, I might do it now.
Yep. Cool.
For the most part, women also physiologically, a lot of the
time I think it's like 20% of women just to get super
detailed. So mom, if you're listening,
please block your ears. I mean, you should know this
anyway. We've had sex, you should know
this. We have 4.
Children. No.
I think it's something like 20% of women will actually have an
orgasm during sex, like during intercourse.
I don't know what else to say during that kind of part of it.
Good detail. So when a mummy in a very low
it's Alabama. The reason I'm getting so clear
on that is in, at least in my understanding as I grew up, I
was like, that's kind of I knew that that that was the main
piece that was like, oh, that's sex.
Those elements are sex. And I didn't really kind of put
together that the whole process around it is what you would call
what you should call sex because one of those processes is not
very if that, if that was all that sex was, is 1 sided.
It's one sided. 4 for like 80% of women, it's one sided.
So that's not how it's going to work.
So there's like a whole big picture that goes into N4N four
woman to actually enjoy it physically.
Not I shouldn't say enjoy it for a woman to have an orgasm it
takes a lot of mental stuff. Yeah, so much mental stuff,
physical stuff like like energy wise, all of that stuff.
So it is so easy for someone who doesn't have to think about that
to just be like why isn't she doing it?
There could be so many factors like how is there mental load at
home? That's a huge thing.
How is she going hormonally? How does he talk to her and
treat her outside of that? The pressure that he's putting
on it, like you said, that if there's pressure, that's like so
much harder to. Do like you said, it's it's a
lot of stuff in. Your head as well.
Exactly. And even you struggled with
that. When we first got married, I was
really like, why don't you want it?
No, it's like a big, big issue between us for a little while.
And you were exhausted because you were waking up at 4:00 AM
and there was other stuff that had gone on in your journey that
was kind of impacting it as well.
And so, but the more that I put pressure on, I remember you
saying to me, the more I put pressure on, the harder it was
for you to actually engage in it.
And the the inequality is that if a man is not mentally ready
to do it, it's just not gonna happen.
Yeah. If a woman's not mentally ready
to do it, often they'll just do it.
Yeah. And so then you can find
yourself years down the track having just done it because the
guy wants to do it. And then depending on how your
relationship is, probably get to the stage.
You're like, I'm tired of just doing it because you want to do
it. He says they haven't got kids,
but especially people that do have kids as well, like we've
talked about being touched out before, like you're just kids on
me all day long and I'm not really enjoying the process.
Why would I want? This is not IE by the way.
This is like pathetically, but I mean it is.
So yeah, I'm thinking about and I'm processing at the moment
because my drive is a lot lower and I have had a baby within the
last 14 months, but into post Natal I think takes two years to
recover. But like still it is something
I'm thinking about because I am not satisfied with us just
having a so so sex life. I don't want that for the rest
of our lives. And I'm also not satisfied with
this culture that I see where it's like women are like, I
can't be bothered. He just wants it all the time.
I can't be bothered. And that's just an OK, healthy,
accepted thing. I think it is fully OK for you
to not be OK doing it right now and should be in a place where
like I am. I'm not just going to make
myself do it because he wants to do it right now.
Especially because there's a myriad of reasons I always said
that could be impacting that. I don't think it's OK long term
for a couple to not be working on this aspect of their lives.
And I'm right there like I'm right there where I'm like, I, I
don't think it's OK for me to stay this way and.
We've spoken about this though too, though, you know, I mean, I
think when it's not OK is when you haven't had the
conversation. You haven't had the conversation
or. Not willing to have the
conversation and that's where I'm OK because we've had the
conversation, we're having the conversation.
I feel I feel like it's on what you're saying there about just
so we can move off orgasms, but there's this one story, the
success of my mind. It was old boss of mines wifes
friend. So it was like third, third part
telling me the story. The conversation went about.
Let's just call that that that friend.
I was gonna say Sarah. We know too many Sarahs.
There wasn't. There wasn't a Sarah.
Wasn't Sarah? Like, let's call it Dorothy,
Dorothy and Wally. OK, husband and wife, Dorothy
and Wally, they didn't have a great sex life.
And he said, look, if I don't get it twice a week, I'm
actually gonna go elsewhere. Oht my.
And I think that was for me and and it was it's a whole
conversation. And I think guys, we need to
check the way that we talk about this sort of stuff too.
And our our entitlement to sex and someone else's body is is
something that can be not a lot. I don't I don't hear it anymore.
But if you struggle with that, man, we need to, we really need
to tighten that up like that cannot be the way that we
communicate or of you sex. And they were joking about it
and it was it. This was I was young, I was a
teenager and I still wasn't OK with it.
I was like, this does not sound right.
So not saying that this is this guy that we're talking about.
I feel like there's so many different things that we can
speak into this space. But I big thing is for me, what
I've been really learning about is women's bodies.
Man, you guys are miracles. Secondly, how much guys can
struggle with entitlement and, and how much that is not OK.
And yeah, it's if it's about us, we're gonna get bored.
You know it. We're just missing out on so
much if it's about you, where it's actually so much better.
Yeah. And more fun for both parties.
I think there's a reason that our bodies work the way they do,
because I think it makes a lot of sense that it's easy on one
side and really complicated on another.
But if, if one partner isn't, If the male partner is not taking
the time to figure out that complicated puzzle, then that
complicated puzzle is going to shut up and not be there.
Yeah, gosh, shop, shop, shut up shop.
And yeah, I think it's, it could be looked at like something
that's just too complicated to work on.
So there's again, the avoidance thing.
You can find yourself in a rut where either you're not doing
anything at all or she's doing it out of obligation.
But the bigger conversation is, is what's happening for you?
What's going on? Again, the curiosity, curiosity.
I think it's just if you can have that attitude about these
things, you're just going to have a way better conversation.
Actually saw a post recently on a a group that I'm a part of and
I commented on it because the person said.
We have sex about once a month and I've been telling my my
husband that this is normal and he thinks it's not normal.
He wants it more. And so I've been saying
everybody, this is really common.
So I wanna, I wanna ask on this group, how often do you guys do
it? So all these people were
commenting on it and they were saying how often they did it.
Some people were like, I do like three or four times a week.
And others were like, yeah, we maybe do it once a fortnight.
But I commented and I said the issue isn't actually how often
you do it. This is something I've had to
learn through. Like actually this podcast I
listened to in books I've read and also just friends and our
journey. But like, it's actually not
about how often you're doing it. The issue is about how you both
are feeling about that. So if there's a mismatch in
that, that's actually the bigger problem than how regularly
you're having sex. And so there is a conversation
to be had there. If he's feeling this way about
their relationship, that's not invalid.
And yes, there's like 100% there's this unfortunate
cultural entitlement that seems to have been the case from the
man's side. And for women, that has been
really damaging, really damaging to the point where I feel like
women have gone almost too far now to be like, if we don't want
it, we don't, we don't have to have it.
We're just not even gonna explore it.
Yeah, we're not even gonna look into.
I don't think that the healthiest option is that a
couple is just not doing it. Hmm.
With their if they are capable of doing it.
And if it's safe? And if it's safe and everything
like that, I think the healthiest option is that you
are exploring it together and you're working on it and growing
in whatever way looks best to you guys.
So I think that goes both ways. The entitlements gonna damage
it. And then the defensiveness of
being like, you can't tell me you need it or you can't like
put pressure on me to need it. I'm just not going to do it at
all. Either way is damaging.
And so you, the bigger issue is if there's a mismatch in that,
there needs to be conversations in that.
There has to be a bunch of grace.
There has to be a lot of understanding that there's
probably a lot of things playing into it.
And if you're wanting it, if this guy's wanting it, he also
then has to be willing to put in the work in those other places
when they do have this conversation and those come out
to work on that. He can't expect that those are
just going to be ignored. And it, to me, screams that
there's a lot of stuff going on. Yeah, yeah.
Cool. I think that's it.
I mean, huge conversations. And the reason I picked these
stories was I think they're relevant to so many people in
different ways. And and they're hard
conversations and we want to encourage and, and you and I are
people want to pressing into those hard conversations.
They are hard. They're not always fun, but man,
I grow so much closer. To you, So we do.
Have those conversations. So yeah, we encourage you guys
to do the same. Thank you guys so much for
checking in. If you would, if you wanna hear
more of these stories, we do have a patron episode where
gonna record next. I'd go along the page here and
check out our extra content there.
It's really, really good. We get really personal with a
lot of stuff as well and the support would go a huge way
guys. So thank you so much for your
support that you've been showing already.
Please remember to like, share, subscribe that would love to be
able to encourage more and more people and take you guys on the
journey with us. So thank you so much.
Yeah, should be outro as well. Let's do an outro.
Over to you, Chachi beauty. Yeah, OK.
And that's a wrap on today's dive into the deep end of tough
conversations. We've navigated the tricky
waters together, and now it's your turn to steer the ship in
your own chats. Ship in your own.
Chats stir the. Sheets.
In your own shit. It works on so many.
Levels does. Remember, courage isn't about
not feeling scared, it's about speaking up even when you are.
Take these tools, build your bridges, and transform those
tough talks into triumphs. Thanks for tuning into honey.
We need to chat. Keep talking, keep listening,
and above all, keep growing. Until next time, keep does
conversations real and heartfelt.
Thanks guys. Good chat.
See ya.