1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:05,200 Losing keys and remotes was very easy to do and you are the 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,680 remote person I'm the. Key person I I don't lose. 3 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,560 Don't you even dead. Do you know what do you know? 4 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,360 What our daughter and I did this morning, what did you do? 5 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,400 What? We spent about 15 to 20 minutes 6 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,320 trying to find the remote that you had the night before. 7 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:23,080 It's on the table, but it doesn't matter where it's. 8 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,080 On the table because every single night I put it on the 9 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,680 table for the dog. Thank you very much. 10 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,880 Hello. Welcome back. 11 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:34,480 To honey, we need a chat yes, we are a podcast all about 12 00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:37,120 communication in relationships and we believe that when 13 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,880 communication dies, bad things happen so we like to chat and. 14 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,160 We chat about it. We do, and you might notice 15 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:45,920 something different this week. The old swapsarunis. 16 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:47,640 We haven't. It's actually throwing me big 17 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:48,400 time. Really. 18 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:49,520 Why? Yeah, because I have to turn my 19 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,440 head this way. It's like almost like muscle 20 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,920 memory and this microphone's not sitting where I'm using. 21 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,080 It this seat is more comfortable, is it I? 22 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:58,680 Actually like this one better. Maybe we'll do it permanently. 23 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:00,040 Oh really? Yeah, let's do that. 24 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:05,800 The reason being I have a a small bleed on my eye and it's a 25 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,720 bit creepy looking. So we thought instead of having 26 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,640 that face the camera all the time will have me face this way, 27 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,240 and then you'll never know. Do it look, look over it. 28 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:18,520 No, no, I meant so I'll see if I can see it in the camera, but 29 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,600 look at the camera. You might see it a little bit. 30 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,920 Maybe and the pictures all. It's blurry for us. 31 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,000 It won't be blurry when I I'll just try and talk to you mostly 32 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:28,760 this episode. It's not bad. 33 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,000 It does happen to me a little bit. 34 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,960 You're more self conscious about it than anyone else. 35 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:35,040 Well, yeah, in terms. Of I'm not self conscious 36 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,040 looking at you. The lady at the store looked a 37 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,480 little bit freaked out by it today, maybe I was just really 38 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,360 aware of it. Anyway, welcome back to Honey, 39 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,480 we need to chat. We have a good Reddit story 40 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:49,360 episode today with input from you guys, which is always the 41 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,000 best, best way. So really keen to discuss a 42 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:57,120 topic that is similar to mental load and is very trending, I 43 00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,560 guess within the women's area, especially mums. 44 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,560 This is a topic that comes up a lot when they're discussing 45 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,680 their partners. And I think it's something 46 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:10,000 that's really, really important to be aware of from both sides 47 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,840 because it can play a huge part that you might not even know 48 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:13,320 about. Yeah. 49 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,080 So this came up because we had done our survey. 50 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,880 Thank you for those that did complete our survey. 51 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,720 We've been given a lot of feedback and topics that people 52 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,400 are pretty keen to hear about. This is one of them. 53 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,640 So I thought it was a great idea and I'm really surprised I 54 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,360 hadn't even thought of it. So good job to that person that 55 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,840 submitted it for us. Really important conversation. 56 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,640 Before we dive into the discussion, though, we're gonna 57 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:38,800 start with our tea chat Tea. Chat and talking about tea chat. 58 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:43,360 We got a lovely, got a lovely message in from one of our 59 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:46,840 chatters over on Patreon. They gave us a gift card. 60 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,680 I listened to last week's episode talking about how with 61 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,440 tea time, we want some special mugs. 62 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,960 Yeah, to go with that. And so they gave us a gift card 63 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,480 to get special mugs. We cried out and the listeners 64 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,240 listened, and the chatters, the chatters, the. 65 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,960 Chatters are amazing. Thank you guys. 66 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,280 So. Much that is just such an 67 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,080 incredible gift. So it was really nice. 68 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,840 It was actually really nice. And I know I was like, oh, it's 69 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,520 just a mug. But actually to me, I'm like, it 70 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,600 was so nice. Like to receive that from 71 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,920 someone like that's listening to the episode. 72 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:17,560 Why not think it just shows support that we're getting from 73 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:21,080 our chatters, But two, that we're, you know, we're not just 74 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,560 talking nonsense and it's not actually helping anyone. 75 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,200 I think that was quite refreshing because we we do get 76 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,920 feedback, but to that level, we haven't had that level of 77 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,640 feedback before. So again, it's just made it 78 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:33,840 really exciting and it's an absolute honour to do this as it 79 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,680 really is. And, and we want to thank 80 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:40,080 everyone that's inputted into us to be our share those sorts of 81 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,120 things with with everyone else. So yeah, as we really, really 82 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,840 special. So you went to the shops today 83 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,760 and you picked out my mug. I did. 84 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,840 And I'm going to go to the shops tomorrow and pick out your mug. 85 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,280 And then in next week's episode, we're going to reveal mugs. 86 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,120 We're gonna do a hand over Swapsy Rooney. 87 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,240 Yes, and make sure that you watch that one or listen to that 88 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,720 one, but mainly watch. Mainly watch. 89 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,800 See it as well. Yeah, that's a really fun little 90 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,440 waffle, fun little gift, fun little kind of activity to do 91 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,160 and breaking that 4th wall a little bit of the podcast. 92 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,720 So thank you so much to that chatter. 93 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,800 You know who you are. You know who you are. 94 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,399 And we're really grateful. And we expect everybody else's 95 00:04:20,399 --> 00:04:22,400 gift cards for mugs in the following weeks. 96 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,400 Yes, please. Thank you. 97 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,760 I'm just kidding. All right? 98 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,320 T Chat. Yeah, let's chat. 99 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,760 For T chat, we're gonna go to the chat job. 100 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,600 If we wrote a book about our relationship, what would the 101 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,240 title be? Honey, we need a chat. 102 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:39,120 You need. To drink tea while you do this. 103 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,040 I do, I was drinking chat but I'm trying to handle things. 104 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,200 You gotta figure it out. That's what it. 105 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,480 Is drink handled? That one's nailed that. 106 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,800 That was very easy. What tradition do you want to 107 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,680 start in our family? Have we done this one before? 108 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:51,760 I. Think we've asked that question? 109 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:52,800 Before. All right, maybe none. 110 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,600 Come on chat jar. Come on, chat jar. 111 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,160 Don't do we like that. All right? 112 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:01,920 What's a bad meal I've cooked and you ate it because you love 113 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,960 me? Is that what I certainly there 114 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,280 are bad sauce mixtures that not bad. 115 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:11,360 There are intense sauce mixtures that you've done previously, so 116 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,680 I don't remember specifically. I remember things like soy sauce 117 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,240 with like Worcestershire sauce and something else but aren't. 118 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,400 They let's go together. Yeah, but no sweetness to 119 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:25,040 balance it out or, or like yeah, BBQ sauce or it'll be on 120 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,680 something that that then it's with another flavour that 121 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:31,040 doesn't match. But in the recent cooking 122 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,120 expeditions that you've done, yeah, really. 123 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:34,560 Really. Yeah. 124 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,640 I'm so proud of myself. I've I've been having fun. 125 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,360 So no complaints. That's the last thing I did. 126 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,440 Oh no, last night's dinner for you there. 127 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,520 You go, guys get Blair to cook for rap. 128 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:45,720 What about me? Oh. 129 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,840 Man, there's something specific that you made recently and I ate 130 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:52,320 it and look, it wasn't great. I don't remember. 131 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,960 Because. I just remember the experience 132 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,200 of eating it. I don't remember it was semi 133 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,040 recently. I think it might have been more 134 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,640 like it was like super dry or something rather than it was 135 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:07,880 just like. I don't remember. 136 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,680 Oh. No, I actually think it was 137 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,040 because you cooked a bunch of rice recently and I had like 11 138 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,120 meals straight of rice and I I think that was especially. 139 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,560 Because I couldn't eat the rice. Yeah, yeah. 140 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:23,560 And because I'm, I'm the the family garbage man, the self 141 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,400 waste man. No, I won't waste the food. 142 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,800 We had so much. Yeah, I don't know, but we had 143 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,880 so much rice food like leftovers that would have just gone in the 144 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,840 bin. And I'm like, I refuse to do 145 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:37,800 this. Take a sip, move on, get off 146 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,560 that bin high horse of yours. No, it was very generous of you 147 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,920 to take one for the team, but. Last one, if our love story was 148 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:49,000 a genre genre genre, what would it be? 149 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,880 Comedy, drama, thriller or. Fantasy. 150 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,960 What kind of person would say thriller or anything other than 151 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,480 ROM com or romantic? Fantasy, I would say. 152 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,080 I was 100%. Wrong that. 153 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,200 Answer itself is. Alright, well, no. 154 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,080 More No, we're not. Alright, cool, we gotta catch up 155 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,360 as well. We gotta say how we're going, 156 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,720 'cause that's what. How you going at 10? 157 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:13,000 I am now, I feel like an 8. A bit stressful getting ready. 158 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,560 Yeah, as it always is at dinner. Well, we got ready earlier too. 159 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,880 Yeah. So what we usually try to do was 160 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:23,080 we put the kids down, we have a little break chill before we 161 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,800 start recording. But this time we're like, let's 162 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,720 let's just hit it. Let's just get straight into it. 163 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:30,480 I had a quick shower 'cause that woke me up last time and I think 164 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:31,440 it's working. Good day. 165 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,520 Yeah. So yeah, that's good. 166 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,000 How are you out of 10? I am I I think I'm an 8 as well, 167 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,600 but I think I'm an up and down 8IN but not like number wise, 168 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,280 but more like, you know, other things affecting that eight like 169 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,120 I'm still good, but I'll get like work's been really intense, 170 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,560 as you know, and you've been helping me a lot with that, 171 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:51,320 which is great, but it's it's all over the place. 172 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:55,160 So it's like a mixture messy 8. Cool. 173 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,760 Well, now that we've warmed ourselves up and had our tea, 174 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:58,920 I'm just gonna have one more sip. 175 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,200 I also, we also drink it throughout the rest of the 176 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,480 episode. Every time I'm editing, I'm like 177 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,160 the whole thing is TJ. Yeah, no, But yeah, This is why 178 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,840 you're forcing me to drink more. So it's more of a teacher. 179 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,480 I'm wearing peppermint tea today. 180 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,080 Yeah, I saw that. How is it? 181 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,840 That's all right. Great. 182 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,800 All right, well, let's dive into weaponized incompetence. 183 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:33,240 We need to chat. The definition that I found from 184 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,480 Psychology Today says that weaponized incompetence, also 185 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,880 called strategic incompetence, is when someone knowingly or 186 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:43,440 unknowingly demonstrates an inability to perform or master 187 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:47,480 certain tasks, therefore leading others to take on more work. 188 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,600 This generally occurs in two domains, in the household 189 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,840 between partners and at work, between colleagues. 190 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,200 So essentially someone who, whether they're aware of it or 191 00:08:56,200 --> 00:09:00,200 not, takes the stance of not being able to do the thing so 192 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,280 that they don't have to do the thing. 193 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:07,560 And it can come up in so many obviously different extreme and 194 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,720 in so many different situations. I'm going to say this because 195 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,320 it's going to be obvious from the stories. 196 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,080 It mostly is the male side of the story. 197 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:19,240 I found it really hard to find any examples of females using 198 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,160 weaponizing competence in a romantic relationship. 199 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,160 I'm sure if it was work or something there would be more of 200 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,480 that. And that's disappointing. 201 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,520 I think it falls probably in the similar category as mental load. 202 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:34,200 Maybe just something that goes UN acknowledged or on. 203 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,680 Yeah, unsaid and potentially that's why it falls more into 204 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,880 this category. We can dive into that as we go, 205 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,960 but I'm just going to say up front, it was hard to find 206 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,840 stories of females doing this. I think there's really a variety 207 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,920 of reasons for that which we can dive into. 208 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:52,840 But at the same time, it still isn't just unique for that to be 209 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,680 the case. Like you did find stories but it 210 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,560 was hard to find. Very hard to find, yeah. 211 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,320 Yeah. So in terms of don't just switch 212 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:00,560 off. Oh yeah. 213 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,120 Yeah, like if you're a female, also self reflect, you know, is 214 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,720 this you in this category as well? 215 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,520 Exactly. Otherwise it's very hard. 216 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,720 It's very easy for people to be like, oh, well, I'm not a guy, 217 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:14,160 it's not relevant to me. Still check yourself and and 218 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,880 still measure yourself against what we're sort of sharing. 219 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:21,000 And actually what's probably even more relevant to you is 220 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,840 that but also some of these stories, the question, it's a 221 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,280 question as well, is this weaponized incompetence or is it 222 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,640 something else? And there is a dynamic that 223 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:33,320 plays out that you will see come out where there it's like a 224 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,920 trigger happy word that is thrown on situations. 225 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,000 It's not very fair. And I think that's probably even 226 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,520 the bigger catch that a lot of females would find themselves 227 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,360 in. You might not be the one that 228 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,560 falls into the category of using weaponized incompetence, but you 229 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,960 may be the one that falls into category of over using that 230 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,880 phrase on your partner. Yeah, and which becomes a weapon 231 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,240 in itself, right? Yeah. 232 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,920 Exactly. So it's, it's a very important 233 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,440 conversation for both sides. And even if it's just a matter 234 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,520 of like, oh, I finally found this terminology to put to this 235 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,640 concept. Oh, so now I can communicate. 236 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,840 It and we've heard that so much over our stonewalling episode 237 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,520 and our mental load episode. People are just like, oh, I 238 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,320 finally understand. Like I finally have a word to 239 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,120 express what I'm trying to experience. 240 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,280 So this is The thing is this is not now a weapon for you to then 241 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,120 take back to your partner. This is just giving you some 242 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,840 terminologies and some understanding of my of your 243 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,920 possible situation so that you guys can unpack that together 244 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,400 and grow together. So that's really, really 245 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,120 important to start with because we don't want to be giving 246 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,720 people more ammo to just throw on the fire. 247 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,760 We actually want to give you the tools to constructively and 248 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,280 cooperatively work on these things, collaboratively work on 249 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,160 these things together. And one last thing I want to say 250 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,960 too is we've spoken about this as kind of a catch phrase. 251 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,120 It's kind of your responsibility till you communicate it. 252 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:52,440 So not putting the blame on you for someone else's potential 253 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,240 conscious like choice to be using something like weaponized 254 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,080 and incompetence. But until you're able to 255 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,960 communicate what's happening for you, your experience of that and 256 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,640 how it's affecting you, you do hold a responsibility in that 257 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,400 space. Same as with every other topic 258 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:11,720 we've discussed, there is always this kind of balancing act of 259 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,280 you need to be able to communicate that this is 260 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:14,880 something that's hurting you, that you're experiencing. 261 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,120 So the whole conversation, super important. 262 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,960 Do not switch off Very important. 263 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:24,400 So firstly, a little extra little tidbit that I did this 264 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,520 week before we recorded was actually put out on our social 265 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,280 media that we were going to be talking about weaponized 266 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:32,720 incompetence to see if anybody had an experience of it that 267 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,200 they wanted to share. Because I thought we could have 268 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,720 some rapid fire little comments and we did get a few. 269 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,640 And I think I'm going to do that more often when we're when we've 270 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,960 got a topic like this coming up. So just watch our socials for 271 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,120 that. For little comments you can 272 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,160 make, it doesn't have to be, you know, you're submitting your 273 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,280 full on story can just be making a comment and contributing to 274 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,680 the conversation before it happens. 275 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:54,400 That will be happening a little bit more. 276 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,440 Yeah, and if you listen to this episode, you're like, oh, I wish 277 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,120 I wrote something in go to our website at honey, we need to 278 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,840 chat.com. Don't worry about the WWW. 279 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,880 We've we've established that very, very clearly and I'm 280 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,680 saying it every time. So I was sort of, kind of. 281 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,600 Intuitive. For them anyway, go to our 282 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,920 website and then submit your stuff. 283 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:16,520 On cool all right so first comment we had I said has anyone 284 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:19,920 experienced weaponized incompetence or felt that like 285 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,680 they've done this themselves? First comment was from someone 286 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:26,200 on TikTok and they said my ex husband literally told me he did 287 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,280 things bad like chores so I would get mad and have to do it 288 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,120 myself and then he'd get out of it. 289 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:35,280 I was floored, which is so frustrating on so many levels. 290 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,040 What a selfish way of going about life. 291 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:43,200 Yeah, it's one thing to do that subconsciously and not maybe 292 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:44,800 allow yourself to be aware of it. 293 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,520 So another to actually say I'm doing this so that you do this. 294 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,080 Yeah. But I wonder at what point in 295 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,440 the relationship did he say that? 296 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,120 Did he say that when things like he knew things weren't going to 297 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,560 last? Or did he actually say that 298 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,920 beforehand? And that just shows the toxicity 299 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,760 of the relationship. But I mean, I don't get it. 300 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,440 I don't get it. I don't get how adults don't 301 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,560 want to be adults. Yeah, people say stupid things. 302 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,680 They do stupid things, and that's a stupid thing. 303 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,240 It's mind boggling to read this from the outside of that 304 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,720 situation be like, how could anyone say that? 305 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,200 And I still believe, how could anyone say that? 306 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,960 Yeah, but I also know we say really stupid things when we're 307 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,480 in. Really difficult places So I 308 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,120 wrote back to this person and said I'm really sorry that 309 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,760 happened to you 'cause that's not a fun experience. 310 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:31,520 So the next message actually came in on Instagram and it was 311 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:35,320 said I hadn't asked my husband to fold or do the washing in 312 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,880 ages because he would fold it badly or wash colours with 313 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,760 blacks ha ha ha. Which when I read this I was 314 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,720 like I wash colours. Yeah, like we've seen this so 315 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,360 much. People talk about, you know, 316 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,080 your white loads and your colour loads. 317 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,800 Wow, we're. Just one load man. 318 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,160 I honestly am so confused by we also only use cold wash, so I I 319 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,560 think that's Anyway, I did giggles. 320 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,360 I was like, how dare they? Yeah, anyway, so I'm going to 321 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,160 start again. I hadn't asked my husband to 322 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,680 fold or do the washing in ages because he would fold it badly 323 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,040 or wash colours with blacks haha. 324 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,680 I know he can fold and do washing because he does it for 325 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:08,560 work. I addressed it with him because 326 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,640 I'd seen a TikTok about weaponized incompetent. 327 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,920 But there is also the side of me that would like it done in a 328 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,040 specific way and I'd never actually said so I think we can 329 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,520 be so quick to say it's weaponized when there's also a 330 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,120 side that we haven't given clarity. 331 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,440 It can be a bit of both. There's a lot of assumptions 332 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,600 made, which I thought was a really good point. 333 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:25,440 I. Think that's a really good 334 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,040 point. Like, and this is the this is 335 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,840 the is the beauty of the self reflection and coming with your 336 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,320 part to, you know, it's not just like you're doing this thing. 337 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:35,800 It's like, Oh no, I identify that I might have like listening 338 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,160 to that. I'll be like, all right, you're 339 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:38,520 gonna go a little bit. Yeah. 340 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,520 And there's a balance. There's a balance and there's a 341 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,560 culture that's created. So there are things we bring in 342 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,000 from our family upbringing or whatever traumas, whatever it 343 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,000 is, we bring it into our relationship. 344 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,320 And then there's a culture that you create consciously or 345 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,600 subconsciously, and you do have to both be aware so that you 346 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,360 both can put things in place to make a difference. 347 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,680 And the conversation, if this person hadn't had this 348 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,440 conversation, they could have just kept on going, being like, 349 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,880 my partner is just doing this on purpose, like they're never 350 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,440 learning to do laundry. But really they had the 351 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,560 conversation and realised oh I I have expectations over how 352 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,920 laundry is done and I haven't explained that clearly so that's 353 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,920 why it keeps happening. So I loved that point and the 354 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:20,560 third comment which made me laugh so hard was just some 355 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:21,680 person. I don't even think they follow 356 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,200 us. Found my real and was like next 357 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:30,160 is weaponized incontinence and I responded and said I can think 358 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,480 of a few ways. So that's got nothing to do with 359 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:34,640 it really, but just made me laugh. 360 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,320 All right, so that's from our socials, our listeners slash 361 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,160 followers input, which is awesome. 362 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,560 Now we're going to dive into Reddit stories. 363 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,960 First one, my 31 male girlfriend, 30 female keeps 364 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,520 accusing me of weaponized incompetence when I mess up a 365 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,760 task. I'm genuinely just dumb. 366 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,040 Help. Like very good self awareness. 367 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,640 I'm facing a situation in my relationship that I could really 368 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,120 use some advice on. My girlfriend has been accusing 369 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,079 me of what she calls weaponized incompetence when it comes to 370 00:17:04,079 --> 00:17:06,119 tasks she's asked me to do around the house. 371 00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:08,800 For those who might not know what weaponized incompetence is, 372 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,560 it's when someone pretends to be bad at tasks to avoid doing 373 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,359 them. However, I'm not pretending. 374 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:16,599 I genuinely struggle with these tasks and often make mistakes, 375 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,280 but my girlfriend thinks I have ulterior motives. 376 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,040 I really am not doing this on purpose. 377 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,839 Sometimes I just don't get things right. 378 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,520 I want to improve and have offered to fix my mistakes and 379 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,280 work on getting better at these tasks, but she seems convinced 380 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,280 that I'm just trying to get out of doing them. 381 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,200 How can I communicate to her that my mistakes are genuine and 382 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,760 not intentional? I really want to resolve this 383 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,560 and show her that I'm committed to doing my part. 384 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,400 Here are three examples. Cooking. 385 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,280 For example. She asked me to help with more 386 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,480 cooking. I've tried following recipes but 387 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,280 I often end up either over cooking or under cooking things, 388 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,400 sometimes even mixing up ingredients. 389 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,280 It's not for lack of trying but I seem to mess up more often 390 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,440 than not. Another instance is when doing 391 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:57,520 laundry I've accidentally mixed colours with white a few times 392 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,560 which resulted in some clothes getting stained. 393 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,600 I genuinely didn't realise it would cause a problem and now 394 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,160 I'm extra careful, but the mistakes have made her sceptical 395 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,400 of my efforts. I also tend to misplace things 396 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,400 around the house, like not remembering where I put my 397 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:13,960 remote or her keys. Don't look at. 398 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,520 Me, even though I was the last one to use them. 399 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,480 It's never intentional, but it adds to her frustration and 400 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,840 feeds into her belief that I'm avoiding responsibility. 401 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,480 Thanks for any advice you can give. 402 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,440 Edit I do many other chores around the house. 403 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,400 We have an even workload. I might even do more than her. 404 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:33,120 I don't know why everyone is so keen for me to be a lazy useless 405 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,880 man, but there's that's not the case. 406 00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,280 Going to stop replying comments from my own sanity. 407 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:40,000 Good thought. Yeah, yeah, but also you put it 408 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,600 on Reddit in the first place. Yeah, first of all, let's give 409 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,880 the guy a break, alright? Losing keys and remotes was very 410 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,840 easy to do. And you are the remote person. 411 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:49,800 I'm the. Key person. 412 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,080 I don't lose, don't you even. Death. 413 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,120 Do you know what? Do you know what our daughter 414 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:57,320 and I did this morning? What did you do when you were 415 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,280 out? No, not today. 416 00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:59,960 Yesterday when you were out. And about what? 417 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,120 We spent about 15 to 20 minutes trying to find the remote that 418 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,440 you had the night before. It's on the table, but it 419 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,720 doesn't matter where it was. Supposed to be on the table 420 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,480 'cause every single night I put it on the table for the dog. 421 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,200 Thank you very much. I do not lose the remote. 422 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,800 I often as the one finding the remote that someone else has 423 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,640 lost. Well, I don't use the remote so 424 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:28,880 you so the other thing is too is no I got other one. 425 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,280 Look, I totally understand, and we've had this conversation 426 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:36,480 specifically about losing things because of the keys and your 427 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,120 sunglasses and your hats. I understand losing them a few 428 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,080 times. I've done that. 429 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,720 When you have a repetitive behaviour and you don't decide 430 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,280 I'm only ever going to put this thing in one place so I never 431 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,360 lose it, That's what I don't understand. 432 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,840 But what do I do now? You put things in one place. 433 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,000 Exactly. And I was going to say that too. 434 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,800 It's like, OK, I don't actually think there's an excuse here. 435 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,520 I think that from his perspective, OK, cool. 436 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,920 You know, like I've gone through many times where, you know, lose 437 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,240 my heart, lose my keys, lose my sonnies, whatever. 438 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,320 Or else right it's so I I get it. 439 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,600 I've had to work on this. The answer has been simple, just 440 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,560 just do what needs to be done. You know what I mean, but. 441 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,520 It's not even just that. So if you use the washing, for 442 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:21,440 example, then organise your washing before it goes in, 443 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,240 right. So I have two different spots 444 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,440 that you put your whites there, you put your colours there, like 445 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,160 put things in place to actually help you do that. 446 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,480 When you're continually making that same mistake over and over 447 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,240 again, well, that's when you lose the excuse the first couple 448 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:35,760 of times, like even with cooking, right? 449 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,440 You know, like again, with me, I'm the perfect example. 450 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:42,240 I was, you know, mixing these things point, I was having fun, 451 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:46,240 I was just experimenting. But at the same time, if I 452 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,760 actually want to make good food, I need to put things in place to 453 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,120 be able to do that, right? So there's a extra level of 454 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,880 preparation, There's an extra level of me learning. 455 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,640 There's an extra level of me taking responsibility for that. 456 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,040 So I don't think there's an excuse there. 457 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,520 I think that's at a point now where it's like, all right, 458 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,760 cool. You've identified the things 459 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,360 you're struggling with. What are you doing about it? 460 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,840 Yeah, like, it's not. It's like, oh, I did the exact 461 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,680 same thing again and the exact same result happened. 462 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:12,920 Yeah. What are you doing about it? 463 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,440 So he says like the laundry, for example, he's started, he's 464 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,240 doing better at it now. And that's exactly what I was 465 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:23,040 thinking. This story, he's saying I don't 466 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:26,040 really do things on purpose, but she thinks that I'm I've got 467 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,640 weaponized incompetence and she's now sceptical of my 468 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,680 laundry because of what I've done previously. 469 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,800 He's stained clothes. I would be sceptical if you had 470 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,760 stained clothes. I'd probably find myself every 471 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,360 time you did laundry being like, just remember, you can't put 472 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:42,960 whites in with the bar. Even though I would be, and I do 473 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,760 this, there's things that I'm always like, remember this, 474 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,640 remember this. And I there's like a balancing 475 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,880 like a tipping point where I guess the point where the more 476 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,160 that you have not needed to be reminded of it. 477 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,640 I need to ease up on reminding you because I also need to let 478 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,240 you now do that. But there's also going to be 479 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,760 probably extended from your perspective, time of me 480 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,960 reminding you because you have done this one or two or three 481 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,840 times, however many times The thing is repeated. 482 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,000 And so there needs to be grace on both sides. 483 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,880 It can't be like if you were to turn around and be like, why are 484 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,360 you reminding me? I'm trying to think of a single 485 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:18,240 example, but I know there's things I remind you of all the 486 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,880 time. If you were to turn around and 487 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,800 say, why are you reminding me of this and get annoyed at that, it 488 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,920 wouldn't be necessarily fair because I'd be like, well, it 489 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,840 hasn't happened. But if I keep reminding you two 490 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:30,920 years down the track and you've only ever done it a few a 491 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,720 handful of times and you've always changed and I remind you 492 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:37,000 in a way that's like undermining you, not just in a casual way, 493 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,800 then that's also not fair. And so I think that there's an 494 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,680 element of him regaining her trust in that space and proving 495 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,000 himself to be able to learn. And there's also an element of 496 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,160 her allowing him to letting. Go. 497 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:51,040 Yeah, yeah. Exactly. 498 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,720 It's. It's, it's, it's both sides 499 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,000 coming to the stepping to the plate. 500 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,960 So either taking on more, taking more responsibility, or letting 501 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,040 go of control. Yeah. 502 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,160 And I think there's things that are easy to let go or easier to 503 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,360 let go of. So like, you know, for example, 504 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,040 if he's losing stuff all the time, he just needs to find it. 505 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,720 That's kind of the thing. Like, if he's going to keep 506 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:11,920 doing that, he's not going to make a system that works for 507 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,600 himself. He just needs to find out. 508 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,320 I would be frustrated if that just kept happening. 509 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,520 But a lot of the times though, in that's in a relationship, 510 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,920 that that thing that it that's happening isn't just going to 511 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:20,840 affect him. Oh, no. 512 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,160 And it doesn't. Yeah, it it really is. 513 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,880 Very rarely would it be like a black and white cut. 514 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,480 So the answer isn't necessarily well, like you've got to suffer 515 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:31,800 the consequences because then it's then she's also suffering 516 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,240 the. Consequences, I think what I 517 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,200 mean more is that there's some things that are a lighter 518 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,920 hearted, they're not going to affect them so much. 519 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,720 And then there's things that really, really well, like 520 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,640 staining clothes. That's like, OK, well you've 521 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,560 actually ruined my stuff now. Or even the overcooking. 522 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,800 Undercooking. That's an easy one to do that I 523 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:51,800 do now and I cook regularly. I still find myself overcooking, 524 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:56,320 especially things like meat. But if it's a carelessness, 525 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:59,600 there's this element of you haven't put much care. 526 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,880 You know, this is something you struggle with and you haven't 527 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,320 put much care into giving the best of yourself to me when 528 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,560 you're doing this thing for us. And that is actually a hurtful 529 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,920 long term. It can be a a hurtful attitude. 530 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,200 This is something that you, I've really had to work on, but we've 531 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:18,920 worked on is that realisation that that comes across that way 532 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,120 because, you know, you've brought this up to me a few 533 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,280 times. It's about, oh, when you don't 534 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:26,160 do that, it shows that you don't don't care about that. 535 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,360 Yeah. But in my head, I'm like, it's 536 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,360 like you're saying that I just don't care. 537 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,040 That's not true. Like I do care. 538 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:36,200 But there's these elements where it's like, actually, you know, 539 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,320 how am I showing that I care? Like that's, that's a big, 540 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,240 that's a big difference is it's, it's not saying that he doesn't 541 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,960 care or whatever else. It's it's just really putting 542 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,000 that challenge out there. But how are you showing you 543 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,000 care? Like, I want to, I want to do 544 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,440 these little things to show that I care as well as the big things 545 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:55,480 because they're both important. If I, if I neglect the little 546 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,840 things, well, the big things are going to be nice, but they're 547 00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,280 not going to be as nice, you know? 548 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,680 Yeah. And I think we can go about 549 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:05,360 tasks in a way that just ticks the boxes for ourselves, but 550 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,920 it's easy to forget to think about what boxes need to be 551 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:10,640 ticked for the other person in order for them to feel cared and 552 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:14,120 loved in that space. And if your partner is barely 553 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,200 ticking the boxes, which means you then end up having to go, 554 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:21,760 which is this whole topic, you end up having to go and do all 555 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,360 the other things to make it fully ticks the box in a way 556 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:30,320 that's exceptional, acceptable or exceptional, then that's not 557 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,200 very fair long term. That can be really tough. 558 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,280 I think sounds like they're not too. 559 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,240 I think they're in that tipping point. 560 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,880 I think they're probably sounds like he's aware of it and she's 561 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:43,000 communicated it and she's probably still just a bit tender 562 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,040 about it and he's kind of still learning. 563 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,160 So that's not a bad place to be. It's just an uncomfortable place 564 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,960 to be. Such is life, you know? 565 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,520 Great, good job. Let's move on. 566 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,760 Hey guys, just wanted to pop in and take a SEC to talk about the 567 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,880 extra content you can find over on our Patreon and our Spotify 568 00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:02,040 subscription. We have a fun little community 569 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:05,120 growing over there with extra episodes, extra stories. 570 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,920 We're also going to have resources, messages back and 571 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,400 forth and also submitting listener stories through that 572 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:12,400 portal as well. So. 573 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,800 Outro Themes. Themes. 574 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:18,560 If you want to be a part of our closer knit community here at 575 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,920 Honey Media Chat, please hop on over to Patreon or Spotify 576 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,840 subscriptions and join us there with love to see you. 577 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:26,120 Thanks guys. Thanks. 578 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,840 Second story weaponized incompetence or not question 579 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:34,200 mark. My boyfriend, 26 male and I24 580 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,120 female have been together for nine years. 581 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,320 For years he would act like he was incapable of doing things. 582 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,680 Like if I asked him to make a frozen pizza he'd do the whole I 583 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,920 don't know how to do that. You know I'm stupid can you help 584 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:46,640 me? Helping him would really be me 585 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,640 doing it for him. This happened with everything. 586 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,040 It would be so frustrating especially since most of the 587 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,440 time it was self explanatory and having instructions or a quick 588 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,560 Google search would have helped. I got tired having to think and 589 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,360 do everything, so to combat it I stopped explaining things that 590 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:02,400 were obvious to him and told him to figure it out. 591 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:05,440 For example, if he's looking for his pants and I walk into the 592 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,080 room to help and without touching anything I see it, I 593 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,680 just point and say it's right there. 594 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,960 I still do this, but today he asked me where his paperwork 595 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:14,680 was. It was sitting on the table 596 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,280 where it had been for the last three days. 597 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:19,280 One step behind him. He just had to turn and face the 598 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,800 table. Him, where are my papers? 599 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,800 Me, it's on the table in the same place. 600 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,800 He glances at the table and lifts the shirt directly next to 601 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:28,400 the papers. Him where? 602 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,720 Me Please look at the entire table before you ask me. 603 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,960 Him looks again and sees it. You could have just told me 604 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,760 instead of being mean. That's not. 605 00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:41,760 The word I wasn't trying to be mean, I guess I just made a 606 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:44,240 habit out of not letting him play stupid. 607 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,000 I don't know if this is him using weaponized incompetence or 608 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,680 not. How do you even distinguish the 609 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,360 two? Yeah, that's definitely 610 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:56,320 weaponized incompetence. Incompetence I think there's two 611 00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:59,360 points to this story that I see is one is like all right, cool 612 00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:03,840 man, like open your eyes and I so get this with our son like. 613 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,840 I just oh. Man, but it's like, it's like I 614 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,480 can't find my jumper. Have you looked in the cupboard? 615 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,600 Yes, go in, look in the cupboard. 616 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,720 It's right in the cupboard. Yeah, or even exactly this. 617 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,440 Like it's right next to you. Where? 618 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,960 Where Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's right next to you and he's 619 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,720 looking the other direction. Yep, Yep. 620 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,720 And we're, we're trying to learn how to help him, you know, not 621 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,920 use that as an excuse because it's not, it's, it's just, it's 622 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,920 laziness or whatever it is. I'm not too sure how to. 623 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,880 I I feel like there could be an avoidance there. 624 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,480 I don't know that it's just choosing to be lazy, but it's 625 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:41,120 definitely something. Yeah, that's not helpful. 626 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:45,160 But at the same time as well, if if she's trying to do something 627 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:48,280 without communicating it to him, like that's just hard. 628 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:51,200 You I mean like that's not going that's not building something 629 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,280 together. As frustrating as it is to build 630 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:56,640 something is so like trivial. Is this like this should just be 631 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,880 done? Why, why is this even a thing by 632 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:02,400 at the end of the day, again, what what are you hoping out of 633 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,200 this is like, one, yeah, that he will stop. 634 00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:06,400 He will actually look on the table properly. 635 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,920 But two, like ultimately is that you guys are going to grow 636 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:11,200 closer together as a couple. That's that's going to be a part 637 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,720 of the priority even of this silly, silly things. 638 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,720 And we've both had silly things we've had to work on. 639 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,440 It's just, it is what it is, right? 640 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:19,880 But the the growth is what's important. 641 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,720 So yeah, I think it sounds like she says she's got an she's 642 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,560 trying to do something to help him get better at it, but she's 643 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:30,320 not communicating that with him. So for him, it's like sounds to 644 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,360 do that. But if that, if that was 645 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,680 actually a conversation they were having, I think like, oh, 646 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:36,400 cool again. Yep, I should have looked at 647 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,120 first. Yeah, a lot of the times when 648 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:41,560 you read the story, you're like, well, actually, it's warranted. 649 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:43,760 That person's actually being really difficult and your 650 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:48,360 reaction makes sense to me. But that doesn't mean that your 651 00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:51,880 reaction is a kind one or a helpful one or constructive one. 652 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:55,200 And I feel like this is a really, a really hidden one 653 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:56,920 because it doesn't seem that intense. 654 00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,720 It's not like, Oh my gosh, that's in your face. 655 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:01,080 You're right. Like if you're not, there's a 656 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,000 few things that this kind of reaction can do it. 657 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,600 It sounds passive aggressive and it sounds like the kind of thing 658 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:09,160 that would just throw you into that contempt space because 659 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:12,760 you're not gonna, you're not communicating about this. 660 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:16,200 And who knows how many times she's communicated about this 661 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,360 because she probably has many, many times. 662 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,680 But unless you sit down and you're like, this is what I'm 663 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,680 experiencing. This is what I'm going to do Now 664 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:27,000 if she, I think if she sat down and said to him, this is what 665 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:28,920 you do, I've raised it with you and it's just not getting 666 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:30,640 better. So now I'm actually just not 667 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:34,160 going to do those easy things for you because I want to point 668 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:36,840 out, I want it to be more clear. You're obviously not aware of it 669 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:38,520 in the time. So I'm going to make it a little 670 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,560 clearer when there's something that I, I deem this should be 671 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:42,600 something you can work out yourself. 672 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,960 So if you notice me not pointing at it or picking it up or doing 673 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,520 that and just kind of directing you otherwise that's what's 674 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,040 happening, then I think that's OK. 675 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,320 That's like, that's a boundary she's put in place. 676 00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:55,320 She's communicated the boundary. She's given him the opportunity 677 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:59,360 to step up to it and she's she can do that more neutrally if 678 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:01,920 it's something she's passively put in place, like you said, 679 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,480 hasn't communicated about it. It's not constructive for a 680 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,640 number of reasons. Even though it's warranted, even 681 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:12,560 though it is really annoying if you're facing this and it could 682 00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:16,240 really easily fall trap you into that contempt space, it's not 683 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:17,840 just going to magically get better on its own. 684 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:20,200 Communication is such a funny thing, right? 685 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:22,440 And this is the thing, it's communication. 686 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:24,720 What we're talking about isn't just I've brought something to 687 00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:27,800 your attention, it's the continual conversation about 688 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,880 this thing, right? So, for example, if we remove 689 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:34,640 ourselves from a couple relationship as an example and 690 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:39,360 go to more my work, right and the the where I'm work trying to 691 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:42,720 still work on a lot with my communication to my team, team 692 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:45,080 members. I've been repeating myself about 693 00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,800 this survey that we need done from our participants for two 694 00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:51,720 years, right, two years I've been doing that, but still 695 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:54,560 something's not happening for some reason we're not getting 696 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,080 the data that we need. There's miscommunication and 697 00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:02,040 what I mean, I Amy doesn't work for me or anything, but she's 698 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:04,040 here's a lot of the conversations that I have and 699 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:07,840 I'll process some of these frustrations of terms of, you 700 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:10,520 know, what is going on here, Like what is going wrong? 701 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:12,840 Is it something wrong with my communication in the way that 702 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:15,840 I'm communicating? Or is it the team members? 703 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:17,560 And I don't think it is the team members. 704 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,040 They are amazing. They seriously do such a great 705 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,000 job. So what's the problem? 706 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:26,240 And you brought to my attention like, I just like, I bring a lot 707 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:29,360 of verbal information to a conversation where I need to 708 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:33,440 improve is the way that I bring it across and then how I equip 709 00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:36,600 them with that information rather than just dump it. 710 00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:40,200 So I could, I like for like, I would go through seasons where 711 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:42,960 I'm like, I'm communicating, I'm communicating like, what's the 712 00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:44,360 problem? I'm communicating. 713 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:46,480 But the thing still wasn't getting done. 714 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:48,600 And it's really down to like, all right, well, how are we 715 00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,360 communicating? And are they understanding it? 716 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,840 And that's, that's a wrestle. I don't have an answer for that 717 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:55,640 because that's something I'm still trying to work on and, 718 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:59,960 and, and get better at. But what I'm trying to say here 719 00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:02,840 is that communicating isn't, you just brought it up once and now 720 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:06,600 you expect change communicating. Is that continual meant to 721 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:09,320 growing together over a period of time? 722 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,640 You know, like that's really important to understand because 723 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,720 even in this situation, you know, I'm sure she loves him. 724 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:16,200 We hope the best for this couple. 725 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,400 And what we hope though, isn't the, the just this annoying 726 00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:22,960 thing is taken care of. We, we hope that they will grow 727 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:25,320 and strengthen through the way that they communicate with each 728 00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:28,360 other, just like we're trying to grow in our relationship in the 729 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:29,800 way that we communicate with each other. 730 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,640 Understanding what we mean by communication is really, really 731 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:33,960 important. Yeah. 732 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,400 And I think like we mentioned in the first story, there's things 733 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,760 you put in place. If you recognise a pattern that 734 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:42,480 you are unable to contribute the way that you need to to your 735 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:44,680 family culture, then there's things put in place. 736 00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:47,440 So put to your hats in the same place every time, with your keys 737 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,960 in the same place every time. So then then that cuts out most 738 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:53,240 of those instances of like where is this or or, you know, like 739 00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,400 you said, separate the clothes before you put it in the 740 00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:58,440 laundry. This is the same sort of thing. 741 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:02,760 And what you could do is if you find have it, if we find a 742 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:06,760 pattern of your communication doesn't seem to be sinking in 743 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:09,960 for the other person, you could break it down in a gentle, not 744 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:13,400 patronising way and say, OK, I feel like I'm not clearly 745 00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:17,639 expressing what I need in this. So for a while at least we're 746 00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:19,400 going to have, I'm going to share what I need. 747 00:34:19,679 --> 00:34:21,920 And then I actually need you to repeat back to me what you've 748 00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:24,719 taken in so you can check. And you could do this with work 749 00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:27,800 too, like you can check, like I've given you all of this 750 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,199 instruction. Can you? 751 00:34:29,199 --> 00:34:31,800 Just for my sake, because we're working on this communication 752 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:34,800 thing, tell me what you think I've just said and then you can 753 00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:38,080 hear from them. What it is that they've taken in 754 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:40,120 that you've said and if you, if you're like, Oh no, no, that's 755 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:41,880 not my priority. Actually my priority is that 756 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:45,080 survey that I need you to do. Then that kind of gives you a 757 00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:47,639 bit more of a circuit breaker. But you need to set up the 758 00:34:47,639 --> 00:34:49,920 relationship to have that because if you just started 759 00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:51,960 saying that to me, I'm like, that is sorry, parts of 760 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:54,120 aggressive right now. Have to be careful, like you 761 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:55,960 can't just go and be like, So what did you say? 762 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:56,719 What did I say? What? 763 00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:58,920 Did I say to you, Yeah, yeah, repeat what I said, yeah, 764 00:34:58,920 --> 00:34:59,960 because that's just not going to. 765 00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:01,920 Help anyone It's not. And also if you were the other 766 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:03,680 way around and be like, I just don't take in things. 767 00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:06,680 So you get me, like make me, you know, basically break it down 768 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:08,640 for me like I'm a child. That's another way you could 769 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:11,600 fall into weapons and companies. But I think finding patterns at 770 00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:14,520 work. So if you're able to say in a 771 00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:17,760 neutral space, maybe have a check in night and just be like, 772 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:21,360 I feel unheard in the space. I don't think you're meaning to 773 00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:23,640 hurt. So when you figure out a way 774 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,440 that we can communicate about this, it's not going to be 775 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,520 hurtful. And to finish this part up is 776 00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:31,040 what I want to say too, is this, you know, for example, the 777 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:34,800 server that I used for, for an example, it's, it's actually 778 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,080 very simple task. Do you mean? 779 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:40,360 But it's been this one of our biggest issues in this, in this 780 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,400 contract that we have is these surveys getting done. 781 00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:45,560 So, you know, for us, we can sometimes get frustrated over 782 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:47,720 these simple things of like, it's so simple. 783 00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:51,080 Why can't they just do it? It's it's even the simple things 784 00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:53,880 that we need to be having this much intentionality behind the 785 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:57,160 commitment to growing in because it's a lot of the simple things 786 00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:00,360 that build up and that where we can go to contempt and 787 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,120 resentment and all these sorts of things. 788 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:04,000 So the simple things are really, really important. 789 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,120 Sometimes things just don't happen. 790 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:07,520 The simple things just don't happen. 791 00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:11,760 And they should absolutely. But some a lot of the times it's 792 00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:15,080 the simple things that are the hardest to, you know, overcome 793 00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:17,520 or get through and to navigate through because they should be 794 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:19,920 done. And having an attitude of 795 00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:23,000 curiosity, yeah, across the board, really helpful. 796 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:25,560 Being like how this is not happening. 797 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:28,440 I would love to understand a little bit more about what, 798 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:29,520 what's making that so hard? Yeah. 799 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:31,280 Cool. All right, let's move on to our 800 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,360 last story. Wear a tea I. 801 00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:36,360 Thought you were going to pick you up at the end of the story. 802 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,800 No, I have picked up, you know when you pick up like a coffee 803 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,000 or. Every day, all day. 804 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,080 Or a drink, whatever you're like. 805 00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:42,600 Oh, looking forward to this last sip. 806 00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,520 And there is no last sip. Well, how the turntables have 807 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:48,440 turned on that peppermint tea that you were kind of about. 808 00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:52,880 Now you just want more. If you haven't seen The Office. 809 00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:55,000 I didn't say that wrong. I said it right. 810 00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:59,600 All right, so next story is, am I wrong for accusing my 811 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,560 girlfriend of weaponized incompetence? 812 00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:06,440 My girlfriend, 28 female, and I, 31 male, have been dating for 813 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,040 four years. I purchased my first home last 814 00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:11,960 year and we moved in together. She's not on the title and she 815 00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:13,840 does not pay anything towards a mortgage. 816 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,520 She's in grad school and works part time, so she simply doesn't 817 00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:17,760 have that kind of money right now. 818 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:20,400 She helps pay for utilities and groceries, but that's pretty 819 00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,760 much it. Honestly, I think she gets a 820 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:25,200 pretty sweet deal. I do however, expect her to do 821 00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,880 chores around the house. She was brought up in a very 822 00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:29,720 sheltered environment. She's the youngest of four 823 00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:31,360 siblings. In my opinion, her parents 824 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,760 babied her a lot. Her dad in particular did 825 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,280 everything for her. When we first started dating, 826 00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:39,400 she was still taking her car to him so he could bring it in for 827 00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:41,960 oil changes. Since she's moved in with me, 828 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,440 there's definitely been a learning curve. 829 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,000 I had to teach her how to clean and do dishes. 830 00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:48,200 She didn't know that you didn't just put everything in the 831 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:50,600 dishwasher. Cooking is a hard no from her 832 00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:52,960 and she's perfectly fine ordering out for every single 833 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,040 meal. She's never used a rake or a 834 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,600 lawnmower or shovelled snow. I like to think I've been very 835 00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,240 patient with her in regards to teaching her these things, but 836 00:38:01,240 --> 00:38:04,080 pretty much everything I try to teach her is met with resistance 837 00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:07,440 or it's too hard or too dirty and she gives up and expects me 838 00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:09,600 to do it. I've let a lot of this go 839 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,680 because I love her and I know that a lot of this is her 840 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:14,640 parents fault, not hers. But last weekend I finally had 841 00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:16,160 it. I had to go visit my parents to 842 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:17,960 help my dad with a project he's working on. 843 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,800 This had been arranged for weeks so my girlfriend knew about it, 844 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,920 but before I left I asked her if she could mow the lawn at some 845 00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:25,920 point during the weekend because it was getting long. 846 00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:28,200 It was literally the only thing I asked her to do. 847 00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:30,880 When I got home on Sunday, the lawn mower was in the middle of 848 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:34,320 the Half Moon yard moan. Mowed. 849 00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:36,920 Mowed, he said. Moan, that sounds weird right 850 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:38,280 now. Half mown yard? 851 00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:43,920 Maybe that's how you say it. I asked girlfriend what that was 852 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:46,120 about and she said it had run out of gas and she didn't know 853 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:48,200 what to do. She said she called her dad for 854 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:51,120 help but he's out of town and he told her to fill up a tank at 855 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,640 the gas station, but she didn't know where the tank was or how 856 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:56,680 to fill up the lawn mower so she just left everything as it was 857 00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:59,480 so I could help her. I told her I was tired of her 858 00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:02,240 acting like she's completely incapable of figuring stuff out 859 00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:04,600 on her own. I told her it's ridiculous that 860 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:07,720 she can watch a 5 minute YouTube video of a new makeup technique 861 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:10,640 and figure it out first try, but she can't figure out how to pour 862 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:13,440 gas into a lawn mower. I told her I'm tired of her 863 00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:15,800 weaponized incompetence and if she's not going to pull her 864 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:17,960 weight or chores then she's going to have to start paying 865 00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:19,960 rent to live here. She got defensive and told me I 866 00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:22,280 shouldn't be treating her like she's a servant and expecting 867 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:25,560 her to do things she's never done before, and that I'm wrong 868 00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:28,120 for expecting her to pay rent when I know she can't afford it 869 00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:30,160 and you won't help pay my mortgage and get nothing out of 870 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,400 it. This one's interesting because 871 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,000 it's relevant to us a bit. Because that's kind of of my 872 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:37,440 upbringing to some extent. Not to this extent, but things 873 00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:41,200 like more mourn lowing. Mourn lowing, mourn lowing, 874 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:44,920 mourn lowing at half the mourn mourning lawn. 875 00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:46,520 I had never done anything physical. 876 00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:49,400 And my dad was really, really like, he just had this whole 877 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:51,880 thing about the women, gender roles, gender roles, very 878 00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,400 traditional gender roles. Women shouldn't have to do the 879 00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:56,120 hard. Like if he knew that I did the 880 00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:57,920 bins, sometimes he would be grossed out by that. 881 00:39:57,920 --> 00:39:59,720 He'd be like, oh, you should not have to do that. 882 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:02,720 And but then the flip side of that, too, was, you know, he 883 00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:05,040 never cooked. One time he did put a whole 884 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:09,640 carrot in water to boil. He didn't cook, which, yeah, so 885 00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:11,360 that's fine. That is what it is. 886 00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:13,200 Like people are going to have their family cultures that they 887 00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:15,640 come into relationships with. Attitudes I think are the 888 00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:17,560 biggest thing that stand out to me in this. 889 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:20,440 Values are the biggest thing that stands out to me in this. 890 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,800 And I think that's a value of your dad's too, right? 891 00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:26,240 So when I was listening to this, I'm like, OK, yeah, I can see 892 00:40:26,240 --> 00:40:28,680 how that'd be frustrating. I could see how for me, what 893 00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:30,760 would be most frustrating is that she has left the lawn mower 894 00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:32,760 in the middle of the lawn. You know, I mean, like, if it 895 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:36,200 all, you know, like, yeah, OK, you need help and whatever else, 896 00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:39,400 but move the lawn mower. Don't leave it out in the middle 897 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:41,840 of the lawn. I put it away again and wait for 898 00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:43,560 me to come back. And it's OK if you need help 899 00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:47,040 because yeah, but I think for him, it's it's his values. 900 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:49,280 He has these specific values that he has. 901 00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:52,800 But it sounds like he's he's got this expectation that she has 902 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,480 the same and, and does it say how long they've been dating? 903 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:58,080 For I think 4 years 4. Years and I wonder if that's a 904 00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:01,120 conversation they need to be having rather than like a main 905 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:04,240 conversation they need to be having rather than you need to 906 00:41:04,240 --> 00:41:06,840 learn to mow the lawns. It's actually our values 907 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,520 aligned. And so I think it's more of a 908 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:10,280 values conversation than a lawn conversation. 909 00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:11,720 That's a really good point. I think so too. 910 00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:14,680 I think it sounds like it actually sounds very similar to 911 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:18,680 our backgrounds to some extent. It sounds like different family 912 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,440 cultures with different expectations. 913 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,720 Obviously to him it's absurd that a woman wouldn't have done 914 00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:25,080 this stuff, which is similar to you. 915 00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:26,760 It's really weird that we didn't know. 916 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:29,000 So my mom did all. That stuff, that's what I was. 917 00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:32,120 Used to right my mom, so my dad's a bricklayer by trade and 918 00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:35,080 my mom actually did labouring for him right. 919 00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:38,200 So my mom is very capable, physically capable woman that 920 00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:41,760 would do stuff and and probably to a point is like proving like 921 00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,160 she's like I'm going to prove that I can stuff too, right? 922 00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:47,960 I didn't need not man. Yeah, but it's so. 923 00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:50,240 Yeah. When I met you, that was such a 924 00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:52,560 shock to me that you'd never mowed lawn before. 925 00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:54,720 You didn't know how to use whipper, sniper, all that sort 926 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:57,520 of stuff. And it was probably, I'm trying 927 00:41:57,520 --> 00:41:59,960 to think back, I don't think it was a very much a tension point 928 00:41:59,960 --> 00:42:01,920 between us. What I think it was, was a value 929 00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:03,120 point for me. Yeah, right. 930 00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:04,920 I really wanted my daughter. Yeah. 931 00:42:05,240 --> 00:42:08,120 To be like capable. I want my daughter to be 932 00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,080 capable. I don't want, I didn't want her 933 00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:14,120 to grow up. Not like to be like, I can't do 934 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:15,520 this. I need I need someone to help 935 00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:19,680 me, whatever else. And, and I, I don't think I was 936 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:21,560 like, Amy, just go out and mow the lawn. 937 00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,960 I think it was that process. If, if I'm remembering back, 938 00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,920 because this has been a while ago now that we started having 939 00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:29,360 these conversations, but it was like, I actually walked you 940 00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:32,200 through everything. And one thing was is like, all 941 00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:35,560 right, this is a value for me. But also at the same time, these 942 00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:40,840 were your concerns using like machinery was quite a nervous 943 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:44,040 thing for you. You now you use out my circular 944 00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:48,560 saw use, you know, tools, right? You're quite capable now of 945 00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,200 doing that or learning that you might actually grab me to start 946 00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:52,880 with. Like how can I do this safely, 947 00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:56,480 which is important. But one big thing was this is my 948 00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:58,840 value. This is your insecurities around 949 00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:01,520 that or not insecurities, your confidence levels around that. 950 00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:04,960 So how do I help you? Because you're seeing my values 951 00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:06,600 and you've agreed to these values. 952 00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:10,040 So how do now, how do I, I now help you get to that point? 953 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:11,720 Yeah. So you don't have a, you've 954 00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:14,640 never used that as an excuse. You've been like, OK, I see that 955 00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:16,080 value. I align with that value. 956 00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:18,280 I just need help getting to be able to do that value. 957 00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:19,240 Yeah. Yeah. 958 00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,920 But also there's an element of just because it's your values 959 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:24,960 doesn't mean it has to be mine. So this is an extreme example, 960 00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:27,680 but if you come. So if I had come into our 961 00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:30,440 marriage really traditional roles and I was like, no, that's 962 00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:32,480 how I want it to be. Like, that's how I've grown up. 963 00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:34,000 That's what I've always expected to be. 964 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:37,200 I mean, for one thing, hopefully you don't get married to someone 965 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:41,960 who you've got like massive dis alignment and also you'll never 966 00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:43,120 be in line. Yeah. 967 00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:44,920 So. Compromise, hopefully, yeah. 968 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,480 If there's no compromise on things because of how strongly 969 00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,880 you each feel, hopefully you don't end up in a committed long 970 00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:51,440 term relationship because you work through that. 971 00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:54,320 But there's there's a give and take of that stuff. 972 00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:58,480 So there is a conversation you need to have as a couple to 973 00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:00,800 decide what your family values, because you each bring your 974 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:04,080 values and your family values are a mesh of both of those 975 00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:06,680 things. But yeah, I think you're 100% 976 00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:08,000 right. It's a value thing. 977 00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:09,760 It's an it's an expectation thing. 978 00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:12,720 It's a value thing and it's an upbringing thing. 979 00:44:12,720 --> 00:44:17,040 And this, the lawnmower one was interesting because I would not 980 00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:20,080 change the oil on the lawnmower. And even if I you tubed it, I 981 00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:22,800 could watch it happen and I would probably be like, I'm 982 00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:25,680 fairly confident that I've got this, but I would still feel to 983 00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:29,120 this day very cautious. I'd be like, I don't want to 984 00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:30,880 mess it up. The risks are high. 985 00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:33,160 It's not the same as doing a makeup look differently, which 986 00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:36,280 is really compared it to I would not leave a lawn mower out in 987 00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,520 the middle of the lawn. And so there's there's the like, 988 00:44:38,520 --> 00:44:40,040 but. At the same time, even with 989 00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:42,800 cooking, right, I'll, I'll follow instructions and stuff, 990 00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:45,720 but if there's, if there's something questions are fine. 991 00:44:45,720 --> 00:44:48,120 You know what I mean? Like, and, and having that, Oh, 992 00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:50,680 I want your support while I'm doing this. 993 00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:54,200 That's so OK. And that needs to be OK because 994 00:44:54,200 --> 00:44:56,800 we're just helping each other get better, you know, because 995 00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:58,800 otherwise it's just like, no, you're going to do that on your 996 00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:00,360 own. That's not that's not great. 997 00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,080 Again, it's not a constructive way. 998 00:45:02,080 --> 00:45:03,720 It might be. It might look warranted. 999 00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:05,600 It might look, Oh no, that makes sense. 1000 00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:07,240 They're not putting an effort, but it's not constructive. 1001 00:45:07,240 --> 00:45:08,960 It's not going to build your relationship closer. 1002 00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:13,280 I think the attitude that he's alluded to in here that she's 1003 00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:15,680 got where she's like it's too dirty or it's too hard, that 1004 00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:19,120 that would be a real issue. I think that's not a that again, 1005 00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:21,560 not a constructive way. If you are like, it's too dirty, 1006 00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:22,680 it's too hard and we're going to try. 1007 00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:25,640 It's totally different to me. Like I'm actually really scared 1008 00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,680 to try this but. I wonder if he's actually shared 1009 00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:29,120 his values in that too. Right. 1010 00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:32,080 And I wonder if if if they had those conversations, if they 1011 00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,440 had, I wonder if she would have the same response. 1012 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:37,240 Yeah, You know what I mean? And because it could be, you 1013 00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:39,440 know, because once I have that values conversation, the 1014 00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:41,280 conversations can go in many other ways. 1015 00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:45,320 You know, that attitude of curiosity, why be is being dirty 1016 00:45:45,320 --> 00:45:47,880 such a difficult thing for you? You know, and being curious 1017 00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:49,760 about those responses based on that. 1018 00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:51,880 But unless she actually knows how much of A value it is for 1019 00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:54,600 you, I don't know. I think it's just going to be 1020 00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:56,760 like, right, It's just dirty. I don't want to do that. 1021 00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:58,320 Yeah. And conversation is quite 1022 00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:00,720 shallow. Exactly, I think as well, 1023 00:46:00,720 --> 00:46:03,520 obviously the end of this is where it gets a bit yucky as 1024 00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:05,240 well. So the things that are said I 1025 00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:08,560 think are pretty intense and probably indicate what's going 1026 00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:10,600 on underneath for both of them too. 1027 00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:13,720 Contempt, Contempt, absolutely. And expectations that aren't 1028 00:46:13,720 --> 00:46:17,040 communicated. So, you know, she's like you're 1029 00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:19,960 treating me like a servant and I can, I can understand where 1030 00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:22,720 she's coming from from that in some to some extent I can 1031 00:46:22,720 --> 00:46:25,600 totally understand as well. If you're like, you're here not 1032 00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:29,480 paying for this and so you and so you can kind of pay me back 1033 00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:30,680 by doing the suffering on the House. 1034 00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,840 But again, if that's not a communicated and agreed upon 1035 00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:35,840 thing, yeah. That's an expectation. 1036 00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:37,440 Yeah, and that's not fair either. 1037 00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:39,720 And I also understand her point being like, I'm not going to pay 1038 00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:42,040 your mortgage. It's your house and it's your 1039 00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:43,960 mortgage, although at the same time you're living there, so 1040 00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:45,480 there's like. And you've been together for 1041 00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:47,520 four years, like you're kind of into that point of view 1042 00:46:47,520 --> 00:46:49,440 relationship. If there's still a lot of 1043 00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:51,760 separations, what's what's happening there? 1044 00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:53,560 So there could be so many attention points. 1045 00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:56,360 She could be like, why are you not bringing me in on this? 1046 00:46:56,920 --> 00:46:59,120 They've been together for four years in your house. 1047 00:46:59,120 --> 00:47:01,080 Where where does my ownership start of this? 1048 00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:02,400 Put a ring on it. Yeah. 1049 00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:07,120 Well, and so I think values 100% first thing, maybe just diving 1050 00:47:07,120 --> 00:47:10,200 into some of these unsaid things that just came out when you're 1051 00:47:10,200 --> 00:47:12,960 upset, that usually when something comes out because 1052 00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:14,920 you're upset, it's because it's actually bubbling under the 1053 00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,280 surface. And if there's an attitude 1054 00:47:17,880 --> 00:47:19,680 that's bubbling under the surface too, she might be 1055 00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:22,640 feeling a certain type of way about the things he's asking her 1056 00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:24,720 to do. Basically, they should listen. 1057 00:47:24,720 --> 00:47:27,360 I don't even need to chat and they should just communicata. 1058 00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:31,800 Communicata, which is Spanish free Portuguese. 1059 00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:34,960 Portuguese. Portuguese for communicator. 1060 00:47:35,240 --> 00:47:39,120 Anyway, I hope they can communicate through this yeah, 1061 00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:41,600 argument that they've had and come out the other side and have 1062 00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:44,440 just a lot more grace for each other because not many people 1063 00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:46,520 wake up and choose to be this way. 1064 00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:50,000 And another thing I'll say, obviously most of these examples 1065 00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:52,440 have been men, but in this case it's not. 1066 00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:55,440 So that's not always the case. I don't believe, and maybe this 1067 00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:59,040 is rose coloured glasses, but I don't believe that many people 1068 00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:02,840 are satisfied knowing deep down inside that they're not bringing 1069 00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:06,600 their best would be satisfied knowing genuinely at the end of 1070 00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:10,760 the day that they're not being an asset to their partner in the 1071 00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:13,280 house. They probably maybe people 1072 00:48:13,280 --> 00:48:16,000 aren't aware of it at the time. There might be an unspoken 1073 00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:19,360 thing, an unknown thing. But if you're able to come to 1074 00:48:19,360 --> 00:48:22,840 these conversations with this curiosity and with this grace 1075 00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:25,840 for each other and communicating clearly what your needs are and 1076 00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:28,720 what aren't being met and your values or whatever it is that 1077 00:48:28,720 --> 00:48:32,080 you need to communicate through. I think many couples that 1078 00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:35,720 struggle with this space have so much potential to actually work 1079 00:48:35,720 --> 00:48:41,400 really harmoniously in this area when they can get very real and 1080 00:48:41,400 --> 00:48:44,120 raw and supportive in that conversation. 1081 00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:47,360 Yeah, that's good. Cool. 1082 00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:49,840 Incompetent. What is it? 1083 00:48:50,160 --> 00:48:53,200 Weaponize incompetence. Like we haven't said it enough. 1084 00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:57,160 Great, we are going to go record a chatters episode we're. 1085 00:48:57,160 --> 00:49:00,560 Going to talk another story on Weaponize Incompetence and this 1086 00:49:00,560 --> 00:49:03,560 story is called Help Me Communicate with My Helpless 1087 00:49:03,560 --> 00:49:07,200 Husband Helpless. So hop on over to Patreon to 1088 00:49:07,440 --> 00:49:09,800 hear that story. Good chat. 1089 00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:10,840 See you guys.