1 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:14,600 Honey, we need to chat. Hey guys, welcome back to 2 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,960 another episode of Honey We Need to Chat. 3 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:21,080 I'm Blair, it's my wife Amy, and this podcast is all about the 4 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,800 importance of communication in a relationship. 5 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,200 And by you being here today and listening to this episode, it 6 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,600 actually tells us a lot about you. 7 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,720 It tells us that you're intentional about your 8 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,560 relationship and that's huge. That's awesome and amazing. 9 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,120 So thank you so much for joining in because we don't want to just 10 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:37,840 be cruising through this. You know, we invest into so many 11 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,240 other areas of our lives, our career, our schooling, our 12 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,880 hobbies, and how much time do we actually invest in our own 13 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,680 relationship and our own growth in that relationship. 14 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,400 So thank you so much for joining in today. 15 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,560 If you're new, welcome. If you're a regular welcome back 16 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,200 before we move on. This podcast is just one element 17 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,840 of what Amy and I are working on. 18 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,920 So don't forget to like, share, subscribe, all those things is 19 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,360 going to help us out, but also make sure that you don't miss 20 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,000 out on all the other contents that we're coming out with as 21 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,440 well. So welcome back and we're going 22 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:11,120 to dive into an episode that is pretty important and it kind of 23 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,280 summarises a lot of what we've spoken about on the podcast and 24 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,600 a lot of the reason behind why we have these conversations on 25 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,440 the podcast. It's about the resilience of 26 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,040 relationships. And many couples don't think 27 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,600 about resilience, unfortunately, until they realise that it's not 28 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,120 there, until it's too late and something comes up and rocks 29 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,160 them and they realise all those foundations weren't actually in 30 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,800 place. And now we're really struggling. 31 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:36,160 So we're going to talk about what happens when life hits you 32 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,880 really hard, what happens when stresses are added to your 33 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,640 relationship, how we can identify where the weak points 34 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,640 might be and what we can do to strengthen those. 35 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,400 So stick around till the end because we've got some really 36 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:49,000 practical points to help start these conversations to build the 37 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,880 foundations of your relationship so that when stress comes, and I 38 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,200 say when, not if, when stress comes, your relationship is in a 39 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,520 good position to stand through those stressors. 40 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,880 And as I mentioned before, like we, this podcast is one element. 41 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,080 So we don't wanna just be more noise out there. 42 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,360 We don't wanna just be saying words and that be the end of it. 43 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,360 On our website are a lot of great resources for use for you 44 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,920 and your partner or for you to work through yourself to help 45 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,440 give you the tools that you need to work through these different 46 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:20,160 topics that we discuss. Another area that we focus on is 47 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,080 Amy does coaching with women. So you can reach out there onto 48 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,760 the website too. All information is on there. 49 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,960 It's just working with those more detailed practical things 50 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,400 and personal things. So one on one or group sessions, 51 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:33,720 there's a bunch of options there to go. 52 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,200 Check that out too. Another exciting thing that 53 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,560 we've started, which we've done one so far, next one, it's 54 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,040 coming out next week, is we've started a vlogging which has 55 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,080 been very, very fun. We've actually really, really 56 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,880 enjoyed it. We did one episode on our 10 57 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,040 year anniversary. That was our first episode 58 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,120 released last week I believe 2. Months after filming. 59 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,880 But it was just a time thing and we've really wanted to bring 60 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,600 quality to you guys, not just quantity. 61 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,080 So which want to make sure that we do that well. 62 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,480 But this was a good experience for us to go through and capture 63 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:08,600 our thoughts and and see how we come across outside of the 64 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,560 podcast too. And we want you guys to know a 65 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:11,840 little bit more about us as well. 66 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,240 We talk a lot about specific things, but there's a bit of a 67 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,600 disconnect in who we actually are and what we're like outside 68 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,120 of these interviews and in these in these conversations. 69 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,520 Head over to YouTube, check those out. 70 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,800 They're a lot of fun. It's just it's just a little bit 71 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,880 of glimpse into our lives and what it looks like. 72 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,000 And yeah, we're really excited to keep going and doing. 73 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:33,040 Yeah, it's it's been really fun to be able to share more of the 74 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:37,640 real stuff that we're tackling during the week and just the 75 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:41,000 real life implementation of the stuff we talk about on the 76 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,560 podcast and just real life in a family and in a relationship. 77 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,440 So we've enjoyed it, we've enjoyed documenting it for 78 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,840 ourselves, and we hope that it's beneficial to you guys too. 79 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,240 So make sure you check out the first one and the second one 80 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,480 will be out very soon after. This episode is live. 81 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,040 And we also want to be capturing the journeys that we're on. 82 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,120 So our own personal challenges and how we're navigating and 83 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,720 working through that. We're not just these people that 84 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,000 sit here and tell everyone on the podcast, all right, these 85 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,480 are all the things that you need to do. 86 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,000 We're growing too and we're being intentional with our 87 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,520 growth and we want to journey with you and for you to be able 88 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,600 to see that as well. All righty well, we're going to 89 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:17,760 dive into this topic of future proofing your relationship. 90 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:22,480 And there is a little bit of a myth that strong couples don't 91 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,960 have hard things that they're working through or strong 92 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,080 couples don't have difficulties in their relationship. 93 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,200 And I actually really deeply believe it's the opposite way 94 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,720 around. The couples that you often look 95 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,720 at and you think are really strong and the type of couple 96 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,720 that you wish that you guys could be are, are usually the 97 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,960 people that have gone through the most stuff. 98 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,880 They've worked through that stuff, they've had the most 99 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,960 difficulties and they've come out the other side strong. 100 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,680 Strong couples are not just randomly stumbled upon. 101 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:49,960 It's not something that just happens. 102 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,000 They are that way because they've gone through it and 103 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,280 they've gone through it constructively. 104 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,440 And so there's this myth that if you're having difficulties, 105 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,600 you've got stresses. There's little cracks in a 106 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:02,080 relationship that has not going well, but actually that process 107 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,440 is part of strengthening your relationship. 108 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,040 I think social media is a big part of that, you know, and 109 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,880 again, another part, while we wanted to show the vlog too, to, 110 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,720 to get a bit more behind the scenes of our lives as well, 111 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:16,160 because if you're just following on on on our social media, if 112 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,600 you're just listening to these podcasts, you're only going to 113 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,360 get a tiny thing. And we even get the question of 114 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,280 like, you know, I remember you, you had a conversation with one 115 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,440 of your friends one time that's been listening to the podcasts 116 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,640 and and you and she said, like, you guys struggle with stuff 117 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:33,160 too. Of course we do what we do this 118 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,480 right. And so, yeah, it's so it's, 119 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,240 that's the trap of just being on social media. 120 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,760 Yeah, absolutely. And the, and the truth is that 121 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,680 it's not stress that breaks couples, like it's not hard 122 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,520 things that breaks couples. It's actually whether that 123 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:50,120 foundation is there underneath the makes or breaks, how a 124 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:51,480 couple will navigate those things. 125 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,520 And every single couple that's strong has gone through those, 126 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,520 they've built that foundation. That's how they're, they're at 127 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,960 the point that they are. And so you can kind of, there's 128 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,240 a picture you can kind of paint which you can just picture this 129 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,920 really like modern fancy shiny bridge and it looks awesome. 130 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:09,040 But if the foundation is not solid, if the bolts are rusted, 131 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:12,680 if the underneath is not strong, doesn't matter how shiny and 132 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,600 beautiful it looks. If something comes up and causes 133 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,280 an issue, it's going to crumble. If there's if there's a big 134 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,720 flood, if there's there's an earthquake, if there's heavy 135 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,160 trucks or traffic jam, that's going to crumble. 136 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,880 And so it doesn't matter how shiny and beautiful the bridge 137 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,040 looks. It actually matters what the 138 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,360 foundations are like. And the only way those 139 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:33,920 foundations are built is through knowledge of what things causes 140 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,280 structural damage to a bridge. And it's the same with a 141 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,400 relationship. You could look beautiful, shiny, 142 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,960 modern, progressive fun on the outside, but if those 143 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,680 foundations are not solid, it doesn't matter how nice you look 144 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,440 on the surface level, that will crumble when real life happens. 145 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,360 Yeah. And so today we want to kind of 146 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,520 dive into what is that real life? 147 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,120 What is it that causes those foundations to be a little bit 148 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,040 weak? And we're going to kind of 149 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,480 explore that a little bit. So most couples will say that 150 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,960 they're fine until they're not. And I actually, I remember when 151 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,680 we were in the dating era of life and everybody just seemed 152 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,320 to be in that stage of life. I had different friends approach 153 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,360 things differently. So it was kind of like this, 154 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,280 yeah, we're fine. Like we don't have problems or 155 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,920 we don't, we don't fight. And that was kind of the badge 156 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,960 of honour or something. And then, you know, other 157 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,880 friends that they could never agree on anything. 158 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,920 And it was, it looks quite troublesome. 159 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,240 There wasn't like harmony there either. 160 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,360 So there's two extremes. But the reality is couples that 161 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,520 don't fight doesn't make them better. 162 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,560 Like, it doesn't mean that they're stronger because they 163 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:36,400 never fight disagreement. And how you navigate that is 164 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,720 actually really, really important because everybody is 165 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,960 different. And when you're navigating life, 166 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,960 you're gonna have moments where disagreement comes up. 167 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,880 And so having that disagreement is not an issue. 168 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,920 It's how you navigate it That is the important factor. 169 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,880 The flip side too is if you're stuck in these really toxic 170 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:56,160 communication patterns and you cannot communicate through 171 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:59,400 conflict because you have these toxic reactions like the four 172 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:02,280 horsemen and that kind of thing. That also is not strong because 173 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,240 then you're not able to get through to the other side where 174 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,960 the constructive rebuilding happens. 175 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,880 It's you're just stuck in the argument about the conflict. 176 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,200 And we've talked about this in our in our clumsy communication 177 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,960 episodes have done over the last few weeks. 178 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,560 You can fall into that pattern. And so it's interesting how 179 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,480 different people will rate, I guess a relationship and what 180 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,960 kind of what kind of criteria they put for that. 181 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:29,360 Because you, you don't know the strength of a relationship until 182 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:30,960 you've got those foundations in place. 183 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,960 And a lot of people will say they're fine until they're not. 184 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,720 And so you really don't know until unless you're being 185 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,960 intentional and, and looking inwards and building those 186 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,960 foundations before they become an issue, like trying to 187 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,640 identify these things. And that's why we do this 188 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,440 podcast. We want to have these 189 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,600 conversations and work on these things so that there's a 190 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,880 conversation already happening about almost like the what ifs 191 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,240 in relationships so that those foundations have already started 192 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:59,120 to be built before you stumble onto that issue or that that 193 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,520 stressor comes out. And, and inflames it all for 194 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,120 you. And so I find it fascinating how 195 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,920 people kind of, yeah, how they rate or how they score the 196 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,760 health of a relationship. And I think as you, you know, go 197 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,960 into longer and longer term relationships, you start to see 198 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,000 the reality of what plays out when you've got 2 individual 199 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,160 people with two very different backgrounds trying to build a 200 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,960 life together. There's going to be stuff that 201 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,520 comes out of that and that's normal. 202 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,560 So we want to be really clear about that. 203 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,400 It is normal. It's also normal that you're 204 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,520 going to have stress, and stress doesn't always look like really 205 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:31,640 horrible things happening. You might be listening to this 206 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,520 being like, oh, so you're just telling us that, like, life is 207 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:35,720 going to fall apart. Like, stress doesn't always mean 208 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,520 huge, big crises that are happening. 209 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,200 Stress actually comes from a huge range of things. 210 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,200 So you can have things like grief or you can have things 211 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,200 like, you know, losing a job, financial issues, those sorts of 212 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,960 more obvious stressors. And there's also positives that 213 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,120 cause stress. So having a baby like that is a 214 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:55,160 huge stressor on a relationship in the best way possible. 215 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,600 It will shift up the dynamics of a relationship, moving house, 216 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,600 buying, selling a house, amazing. 217 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,400 It's an amazing thing, Huge stressor on relationships 218 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,560 because it shifts up what's going on. 219 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,640 And so when we say stress, I'm not trying to be like doom and 220 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,080 gloom, like, oh, you're going to have a really hard life. 221 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,280 Life is hard. There are things that are hard. 222 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,440 There's also things that are amazing, but stress comes from 223 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,720 like a huge range of things. It's inevitable that a 224 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,840 relationship will be put under stress. 225 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,960 And so if you don't have these foundations, doesn't matter, you 226 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,720 will face stress. So you will, they will be made 227 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,960 clear to you. We're just trying to get it to 228 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,840 the point where you're working on it before it's made clear to 229 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,880 you in that way. So there's a reason when you're 230 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,400 a lot of the time when people are getting married, there's a 231 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,640 recommendation to do premarital counselling and we love 232 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,640 premarital counselling. And This is why because there's 233 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:43,840 a lot of stuff that gets brought up. 234 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,800 I mean, it's how it gets done is so different for everybody and 235 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,120 whatever context the premarital counselling looks like is super 236 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,480 different. But from our experience, they 237 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:58,600 explore a range of common relationship topics and start 238 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,760 that conversation. It's not like you're fixing it. 239 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,240 It's not like they're scoring your relationship saying you're 240 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,760 going to fail. It's just to highlight the 241 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,200 common things people will have highlighted to them once they're 242 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,080 in a long term committed relationship and start that 243 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,840 conversation before you're getting that outside of your 244 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,520 control. So things like your family 245 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,720 background, things like how you'll navigate finances, how 246 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,680 you navigate parenting jobs, all those sorts of things. 247 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:28,320 They get raised not to make you stressed and upset or like 248 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,480 concerned about the future, but just to start that conversation, 249 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:35,320 be like, yeah, how would you navigate work when we have kids? 250 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,800 Like what are we going to, what's that going to look like 251 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,240 for us? Or how would we navigate the 252 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,040 finances? How would we save? 253 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,880 What are we saving for those kinds of things? 254 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,720 That's why that's often a recommended thing when you're 255 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,960 moving into a relationship this long term. 256 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,280 It's funny because a lot of times, like I might share to 257 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,640 someone about, you know, premarital counselling or 258 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:57,760 counselling or even what we do and some, some people are just 259 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:01,520 like, why, why do you why would you do that? 260 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:05,200 Like I think it's not that not that they're these bad people 261 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,840 and wrong people or whatever, but I just, it just highlights 262 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,560 to me how this could be such a little deal for us. 263 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:14,480 You know, we don't we don't understand or we don't value our 264 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,440 relationship, but we don't value the investment into our 265 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,000 relationship because we might be in a honeymoon period, right? 266 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,320 We might be just dating someone or we might have just got 267 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,040 married. It's just beautiful, amazing 268 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:28,360 moment and time together. It's like exactly what you've 269 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,000 said. It's not about, it's not about 270 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,000 like you're going to have this bad relationship if you don't do 271 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,520 these things. It's the same like when you guys 272 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,800 go through those hard times, which everyone does, how 273 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,560 equipped are you for that and how, how will you come through 274 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,400 that? And but you do have those 275 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,520 extreme circumstances as well. We've had family members and 276 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:50,360 friends around us that we, we see, we've spoken to and 277 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:55,280 approach to investing in their relationship in a deep and 278 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,080 meaningful way. It just hasn't been prioritised 279 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:01,160 because of the the, the knowledge of the need of it. 280 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,520 Does that make sense? Yeah, Yeah. 281 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,000 It's like it's not, they're not when you're not aware of 282 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,880 something's. And that's why this is such an 283 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,480 important conversation. You're not aware of the depth of 284 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:10,120 something. Yeah. 285 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,080 You don't think it's important because you don't, you're not 286 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,760 aware of it. It's like a blind spot. 287 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,120 It's not saying like, yeah, it's not saying like, are these guys 288 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,840 are bad at relationships. Or they're naive. 289 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,880 No, no, no. No, it's just that we have seen 290 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,920 again, through our experience, through experience of those 291 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,640 around us, the importance of the investment in your relationship. 292 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,840 And it's not even just a matter of how to invest. 293 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,480 Like now we're going to have a good relationship or we're going 294 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,000 to strengthen that relationship. It actually strengthens us 295 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,400 individually as well. The impact of that feeds 296 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,440 through, you know, there's that saying of happy wife, happy 297 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:46,480 life, you know, and that's that's true in a sense of like 298 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:51,480 if your home is stronger, if your relationship is stronger, 299 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,960 you tackling work stuff is easier. 300 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,520 You tackling friendship stuff is easier. 301 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:01,240 You tackling parenthood is easier because your number one 302 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,400 partner is just there with you and you guys are just stronger 303 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,960 and more capable together which is awesome. 304 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,600 Yeah, I like that definition of it. 305 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:13,480 Instead of the just appease the woman, make her happy at all 306 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,240 costs and then you'll be happy, which is kind of the normal, 307 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:20,160 normal interpretation of that. But yeah, if your family, if 308 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,360 your family unit is strong, then everything else is easier to 309 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,520 navigate. It doesn't make it easy, it just 310 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,680 makes it easier to navigate because your family unit is such 311 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:34,280 a unique part of life and it's, it's there as a foundation, it's 312 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:38,480 there as a, as a like core that you can fall back to when 313 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,640 everything else feels hard. So if your family unit can be 314 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:45,120 prioritised, everything else has that foundation in place, you 315 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,760 can tackle that as a team. And that's why the flip side of 316 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:51,840 that is if your family unit is not strong, if you're struggling 317 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,560 in that place, you'll often find that just like leaks into 318 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,880 everything else, it makes everything else complicated. 319 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:00,040 Yeah, it's not about people that don't find, don't, haven't 320 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,520 thought about this before, are really stupid because they just 321 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:06,720 don't think it's important. We have a unfortunately unique 322 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,880 view of this because we've navigated this in our family 323 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,280 relationships as kids growing up, and we've also navigated in 324 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,960 our relationship and it's something that we're very 325 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,800 passionate about. So that's why we do this to help 326 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,600 bring these conversations to people that may or may not have 327 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,240 thought of it this way. So that's what this this purpose 328 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,000 of this conversation today is about. 329 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:29,920 It's just a gentle but important reminder or check in for 330 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:33,160 everybody listening, including us, about how the foundations 331 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:35,600 are going, the things that we're not seeing every day, but the 332 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,440 things that will be the most important when those stresses 333 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,800 come up. I think another thing that is 334 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,080 really hard and it's something I struggle with because of who I 335 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,160 am just personality wise. It's really hard to rock the 336 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,720 boat when things feel fine. It's really hard to find a good 337 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,600 time to bring up heavy things when things feel fine. 338 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:56,360 So I, I fully understand and have lived that life of being 339 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,880 like, I don't want to talk about this really horrible thing when 340 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,440 it's not happening right now or even like if there's concerns. 341 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,560 We've talked about this a number of times on the podcast before, 342 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:09,000 but like concerns I've had about you or about our relationship 343 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:13,240 and like, I'll push it away because I just really don't want 344 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,400 to just come out and be like, actually, it really frustrates 345 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,000 me when you do this or this has really hurt me previously. 346 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,920 And then that's caused more issues because then when it 347 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,760 comes out, it's so much bigger and so much more complex. 348 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:28,400 And so avoided conversations for whatever reason, whether it's 349 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,120 because you're trying to be kind and loving or gentle or it's 350 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,600 just uncomfortable, you don't know how to do conflict. 351 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,840 Whatever reason, those conversations are avoided. 352 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:39,520 Avoided conversations actually cause cracks in relationships. 353 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:43,640 And so that's why if you can strengthen the muscle of having 354 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,440 these conversations and navigating these topics, 355 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,840 especially when you can strengthen that muscle of having 356 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,480 them outside of the stressors, like even better then even 357 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:55,840 though it's uncomfortable, it actually reinforces the cracks. 358 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,360 It strengthens up those cracks in your relationship. 359 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,840 It's, you know, things like money, the roles in your 360 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,880 relationship, mental load. That's why we talk about mental 361 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,119 load a lot because it's a huge crack that runs under the 362 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:08,760 surface for many, many couples. Long term expectations, family 363 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,640 expectations, disappointments, all these things that are going, 364 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,640 those things are really easy to avoid, but those avoided 365 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,200 conversations actually cause cracks. 366 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,160 So if you're skipping those conversations because they're 367 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,200 uncomfortable, because you're unpracticed in conflict, because 368 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:24,000 you have past experience that make it difficult to navigate, 369 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,920 because they feel unnecessary, because you've got built up 370 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,960 resentment, it actually shows up down the track in more 371 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,720 disconnection, in panic, more damage. 372 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,120 So that's, that's the topic we're going into. 373 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,680 I feel like we just like, it's a really big one. 374 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,720 It's a, it's a really big one because it underpins all of the 375 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,440 stuff we talk about. So what does resilient love look 376 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,160 like? And this I think also falls into 377 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,600 there's a bit of a, maybe a myth around it. 378 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,840 Resilient love or future proofed love or whatever you want to 379 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,120 describe it as is not shiny and pretty imperfect. 380 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,360 It doesn't look polished and perfect on the outside. 381 00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:01,120 Resilient love, a real example of resilient love is love that 382 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,640 is flexible, adaptive and honest. 383 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,800 So we talked about premarital counselling. 384 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,920 There's a side of the coin, which is you have something like 385 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,200 premarital counselling or you have these conversations that 386 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,000 you're beginning the beginning of your relationship and you, 387 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,480 you decide we're going to be a couple that does this. 388 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,520 We're going to navigate finances like this. 389 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,040 We're going to navigate children like this. 390 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,200 And you make your, you have those conversations. 391 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,640 Awesome. But you then make rules and 392 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:27,040 those are rigid rules and they become how your relationship is. 393 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,600 That is actually not an example of resilient love either. 394 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,320 Resilient love is, is flexible because as we've talked about, 395 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,760 life happens, stresses happen. Things that we don't ever expect 396 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,760 will happen will happen reactions that we never thought 397 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,720 we'd have to just normal things will happen. 398 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,560 And so if you have a, a rigid rule based approach to these 399 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,440 things, you're like, oh, back before we had children, we 400 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,640 decided you were going to stay home with the kids and I was 401 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,720 going to work. And that's what we decided. 402 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,080 So we're just going to do that forever more. 403 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:57,760 It doesn't matter that your mental health has struggled, 404 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,520 doesn't matter that our finances are out the window, doesn't 405 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:01,920 matter that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 406 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,680 And you've stuck so strongly to those things that you, the one 407 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,960 conversation you had and you decided on it and it hasn't been 408 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,960 flexible. That's actually not resilient 409 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,480 love. That's inflexibility. 410 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,960 So you have to be careful with how you define this as well, 411 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,000 because it's not about look at us. 412 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,000 We, we, we're on the same page about everything. 413 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,280 We've had this, the conversation and we've decided how 414 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,560 everything's going to look. And this is how we are and this 415 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,200 is how we'll always be. And we're going to like, what is 416 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,800 it? Tight knuckle or whatever white 417 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,840 knuckle, white knuckle it through because this is what we 418 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,840 decided we're going to do. Like that's not resilient 419 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,440 either. That's actually setting yourself 420 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:37,440 up for the same exact issues because your foundation is rigid 421 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,480 and fragile and it's going to crack under pressure. 422 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,560 A resilient love is one that is constantly checking and it's 423 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,360 constantly curious, is constantly flexible with how 424 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,480 life happens. Understanding you will change. 425 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,200 Understanding life's going to happen in a way you don't 426 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,160 expect. We are so different now to who 427 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,760 we were when we got married, so different. 428 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,680 Even personality wise were so different. 429 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,520 Everything has changed. I remember you, you always make 430 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:06,680 fun of in a, in a not a picking on way, but just a kind of maybe 431 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,560 a shock way. So my brother got married before 432 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,960 I met you and you've seen a video of me giving a speech. 433 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,120 At the wedding. At the wedding and even just the 434 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:20,000 way that I spoke was so different to the way that I 435 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,120 speak now. And that's The thing is like, 436 00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:25,640 you know that that growth, like understanding the journey is 437 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,320 really important and giving yourself grace for that journey. 438 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,960 So commitment to each other, commitment to the journey. 439 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,240 So you mentioned before about avoided conversations caused 440 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,320 cracks, right? And how you didn't want to bring 441 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:39,560 stuff up because it would, you know, things are good now and 442 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,360 we're while, while we're going to rock the boat. 443 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,840 But now over the time, over the years, now you bring stuff up, 444 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,320 it's like, well, no, that's what we do. 445 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,560 Like we do bring stuff up now. And it doesn't mean it's easy, 446 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,080 but it's expected. We now navigate that through 447 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,560 that so much better because of the investment we've had over 448 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,440 the years. So now that we've worked on our 449 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,680 stuff, I'm actually better equipped for my work. 450 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,560 I'm better equipped for my family, my parenting, because we 451 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,960 work together. So that journey, the commitment 452 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,560 to the journey, the commitment to the coming back together is 453 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,920 is really important. And you need to journey like you 454 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,880 need to change and grow because if you stay the same as you were 455 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,120 whenever you got together, which a lot of people's in their 20s, 456 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,840 if you stay the same for the rest of your life, something 457 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,080 would be wrong. Like that's not how we're meant 458 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,960 to be as humans. And I want to say too, though, 459 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,920 like we're talking about you just said then like people in 460 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,800 our like usually get together in their 20s. 461 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,640 Our parents are changing so much, right? 462 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,680 It's not, it's not an age thing. So we, we know we've had 463 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,440 writings actually from people that are older than us and 464 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,480 that's awesome because like, you know, even then we, we have 465 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,520 people in their, I think they were in their 60s wrote in as 466 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,440 well and gave some positive feedback on the podcast. 467 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,040 And that actually was so great to us. 468 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,560 It's like even people in their 60s are still working on their 469 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,360 communication in the relationship. 470 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:54,440 And that's fantastic. That was so encouraging to us to 471 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,400 be like, yeah, OK, this isn't just a phase for Amy and I. 472 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,480 This is what we do. This is how we do relationship 473 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,280 is through that commitment and growth and communication and and 474 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,800 we're going to do that forever. Yeah, I think if you like, if 475 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:09,960 you think of it like this and you had a form and you had to 476 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,720 fill out what type of relationship you are. 477 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,920 A healthy relationship is not the kind of relationship that 478 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,120 would fill out a form and say we are a couple that have two 479 00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:22,360 working parents and we're a couple that like to do walks 480 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:23,560 every day. Like they wouldn't have 481 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,360 specifics like that. What they would have on it is we 482 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,680 are curious about what's going on for our we are, we will 483 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,440 always come back to communication. 484 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,520 Those kinds of things that are Evergreen in terms of keeping a 485 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:40,080 relationship healthy. Not the things, all those other 486 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,040 things that make up who you are are awesome, but they're not the 487 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,520 things that are going to get you through if you don't have the 488 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,880 foundation in the right place and if you don't have the right 489 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,240 perspective. So you should be growing and 490 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,240 changing. You are growing and changing. 491 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,400 The reality is you are, regardless of if you, you want 492 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,880 to or think you should be, you are. 493 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,440 And, and so if you're, if you haven't set up how you interact 494 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,840 as a couple to also grow and change in a healthy way, in a 495 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:08,240 respectful way and in a, in a constructive way, then you're 496 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,040 going to struggle because you need to have that flexibility 497 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,600 for that. So a resilient love is flexible. 498 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,360 It's adaptive with the seasons because the seasons are going to 499 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,720 bring different challenges. And it is honest because you 500 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,520 need that honesty that that communication intentionality, 501 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:26,800 the ability to be uncomfortable for the longer good of the 502 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:30,280 relationship in order to adjust as you're going. 503 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,440 It's not just something that is decided on at the beginning. 504 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,560 And then it just stays rigid and disciplined with no change. 505 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,600 So some of the things that I think you that are fairly like 506 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,880 obvious, I guess when you're thinking of what's a resilient 507 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:44,480 or strong couple, what's a future proofed couple is things 508 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,240 like having regular emotional check insurance. 509 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,840 We talk about that all the time on the podcast, regular check 510 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,400 insurance. So you're checking in with each 511 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,960 other about how you're going as a relationship. 512 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,840 You're checking in with each other about how each other are 513 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,480 going share decision making, Your team when you're now 514 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,160 navigating life, you've got shared decision making and 515 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,840 you're moving together forward, as we said, in an adaptive way 516 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,720 to the different seasons and a willingness to grow, learn and 517 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,480 change together. Those are three things I think 518 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,240 most people are like, yeah, that makes sense. 519 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,080 You're willing to learn together and like we said, be flexible 520 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,200 and be adaptive. The things that might not be 521 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,160 quite as obvious about what might make up a resilient 522 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,240 relationship is taking turns and being strong. 523 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,680 And that's something we've absolutely navigated. 524 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,800 And it wasn't that. I don't think we didn't think it 525 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,280 was important before. We just hadn't had to have it 526 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,800 flip flop so much. But rotating the support or 527 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:36,360 rotating who is strong at any different point, and we had that 528 00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:39,040 when you burned out like that was the biggest, I think example 529 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,840 of this is we, we've been cruising along fairly chill like 530 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,560 not much had been. It had been rocked in different 531 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:49,320 ways, but that was the big rock to how the dynamic was. 532 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,160 And it was not comfortable, but it's important. 533 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,640 And when you're committed to somebody, you commit to being 534 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,360 with them in sickness and in health, you commit to being 535 00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:00,160 their support, regardless of how well they're doing. 536 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,760 And so all of a sudden I had to step up big, big time and I had 537 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,080 to support Blair so that he could pull back big time because 538 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,400 he needed to heal. And then you've also had to be 539 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,040 that for me 100% and so. Babies. 540 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,160 Babies, that's a really good example. 541 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,480 Like you have to be able to take turns in being strong. 542 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,400 That's something that. When Amy had babies, that's what 543 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,720 I meant by babies. When I had babies, yeah. 544 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,960 Yeah, you have that. That's part of life is there's 545 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,720 going to be times where most hopefully most of the time it's 546 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,440 not that way, but there will be times where things feel out of 547 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,560 balance. Things are very much leaning one 548 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,840 way or the other with one of the partners not being able to be as 549 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:39,360 present or strong or as engaged. And that's part of a resilient 550 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:40,880 flexible. Like we talked about 551 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,520 relationship curiosity over assumption. 552 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,480 Huge. We talk about that all the time. 553 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,960 That's our little tagline. And we we don't just say it on 554 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,800 the podcast. We talk about it with our kids. 555 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:50,920 We talk about it with each other. 556 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,840 We talk about it when we're navigating conversations with 557 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:56,480 friends or at work. Like curiosity over assuming, 558 00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:00,440 assuming. We say that because people keep 559 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:01,920 bugging inside on how we say assume. 560 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,760 I literally was practising this earlier and I was like, assuming 561 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,800 I can't do it, I'm not going to do it, so it's going to be 562 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,040 assuming, yeah. It's assume. 563 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,320 Anyway, curiosity over assumption, let's just say that 564 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:15,120 keep learning each other. So curiosity will always set you 565 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:18,840 up better, will always set you up better than trying to preempt 566 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,600 or trying to assume or trying to fill in the gaps. 567 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,120 Without that information, curiosity is always better. 568 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,120 We've actually done this with our kids, as Amy mentioned, 569 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,520 briefly mentioned. So they've just been really 570 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,320 dubbing on each other. It's like, oh, they're doing 571 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,000 this thing. They're doing this thing and 572 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,240 it's the most innocent thing. They're just looking for 573 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,720 anything they can to DOB and they're assuming and they're 574 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,840 doing bad, right? And what we're saying is like, 575 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:42,840 look, they're not even doing anything bad. 576 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:46,240 Before you get to that point of, you know, they're doing this 577 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:49,400 wrong, find out like what? Why are you doing that? 578 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,280 Have have an attitude of curiosity. 579 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:52,960 Like, yeah, we say that with our work. 580 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,840 We say that with our kids. We say it everywhere. 581 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:59,400 It just, it will, it will just be such a good approach to life 582 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,160 in so many ways, even just in helping you learn, like, like 583 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,480 learning, having that in your development as a professional 584 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,360 and that kind of thing is huge. So yeah, that's a good sign of a 585 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:12,000 resilient relationship is curiosity over assumption, 586 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:15,240 letting go of old rules, which is what we talked about as well, 587 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,800 letting old rules expire. So things that don't work 588 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,160 forever. And that's OK. 589 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:22,400 And that's not to say it's a, it's a delicate balance because 590 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,880 you don't want to be someone who's like, like super 591 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,560 undisciplined and that's, you know, be like, we've decided to 592 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,520 be really healthy. And then we're just letting that 593 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:35,240 go. And we but letting go of the 594 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,920 things that you either verbally or like we spoke about unspoken 595 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:40,400 contracts in one of our episodes. 596 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:41,920 And that's actually really relevant to this. 597 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,080 Like there might be patterns that you've fallen into in an 598 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,840 unspoken contract that will not serve you anymore. 599 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,240 And that is not the sign of something's fallen apart. 600 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,280 It's actually really healthy to be able to adjust as you need to 601 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,200 in a constructive way when the season brings up different 602 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,640 things. Pre forgiveness, So assuming 603 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:01,840 imperfection and making space for it. 604 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:05,160 So assuming that your partner is going to make mistakes because 605 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,960 they're going to make mistakes because they're a human and 606 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,560 they're going to. And so when you can have an 607 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:13,680 attitude of you are pre forgiving them within reason for 608 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:16,840 being a human being, that's going to disappoint you at times 609 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,000 instead of having your ex expectations set so high that 610 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,160 every disappointment feels like a slap in the face. 611 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,480 You're committed to a human being just like you are a human 612 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,680 being. And so having the attitude of 613 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,240 there's going to be imperfection here is going to set you up 614 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:35,360 better than having this attitude of there's imperfection here. 615 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,920 And then it's like what? And we'll help you recognise as 616 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:40,480 well. I think that we've spoken about 617 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,360 this culture of cancel, the cancel culture in the world 618 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:47,280 right now where imperfection is not viewed very well. 619 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:52,040 There's a very intolerant culture for imperfection and 620 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,760 change in growth. And when you translate that to 621 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:58,560 relationships, you set yourself up for a really tough time 622 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,560 because there are some things that are obvious. 623 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,120 They're really serious mistakes or really serious decisions and, 624 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:06,640 and things that you have to navigate. 625 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:08,280 And I'm not talking about those kinds of things. 626 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:11,280 I'm not talking about infidelity or, or abuse or anything like 627 00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:12,560 that. I'm talking about just being a 628 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,440 human being that's going to disappoint another human being 629 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,760 because we're people that make mistakes and having that kind of 630 00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:21,000 attitude of like we are working together as a team. 631 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:24,640 I'm not expecting you to be Mr Perfect in order for you to be 632 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:27,480 worthy of my love. And we'll work on those things 633 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:30,720 and we will come become stronger because of them instead of me 634 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:33,600 being like every little thing you do builds this picture that 635 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:36,920 we're getting weaker and weaker. And this is also something this 636 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:40,360 last one is something we try to do quite a bit, which is micro 637 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:42,720 repairs. So little repairs rather than 638 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:46,040 having these huge big moments like we've talked about how I 639 00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:49,680 struggled to communicate things. So when I would then communicate 640 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,640 them, they would usually come out like all this pent up 641 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:55,200 frustration because of something I hadn't communicated about and 642 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:58,520 it would become a big deal. And then it would require a big 643 00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:01,000 repair. So slowly over the years, we've 644 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:05,280 worked on micro repairs. So little moments like a tending 645 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,920 to things in the moment as much as we can. 646 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:10,920 And it's still a muscle that I'm trying to work or we're trying 647 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:13,720 to work on so that it's a little micro repair rather than a 648 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,360 massive big thing. So you're, you're using soft 649 00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:19,440 words when you could be harsh or you're doing check insurance 650 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:21,320 when you think something's up. And we've spoken about that so 651 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:23,160 much like how are you? What are you feeling? 652 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:25,000 How are you feeling? What's on your mind? 653 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,440 Those kinds of things to to see when you're feeling like 654 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:30,000 something's going on instead of adding to the story going on in 655 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:33,120 your head, following up after your conversation, so, so 656 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:36,440 important instead of having these disagreements and blowing 657 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:37,800 up because you didn't communicate well. 658 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:39,400 And then me like we can't communicate well. 659 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:40,800 And that just builds into the story. 660 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,520 We have found the most constructive times is actually 661 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:45,360 when we've come back after a disagreement. 662 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:48,360 Most of the time the disagreement itself has not 663 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:50,560 necessarily been the most constructive process. 664 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:52,360 And I think that's normal and fine. 665 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,520 It's the micro repair or the repair that happens afterwards 666 00:30:55,640 --> 00:31:00,280 coming back to whatever it was addressed so that you can find a 667 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:03,280 constructive way to move forward and just working on your tone. 668 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:05,400 That's part of micro repairs as well and a huge on. 669 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:09,440 So we've had sarcasm, passive aggressive tone that we have 670 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:13,440 really had to be careful of when we're navigating disagreements. 671 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:17,800 And just being aware of tone and navigating tone has made those 672 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:20,880 conversations so much easier over the years rather than 673 00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:24,240 having that be our default to and just kind of doubling down 674 00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:26,240 in them. So that's what resilient Love 675 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:28,120 Actually looks like. Something's obvious. 676 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:29,480 You probably would have listed all of them. 677 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,160 Some of them maybe not so obvious to everybody and are 678 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:35,680 also really important parts of what it takes to make a 679 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,760 relationship resilient. So we're going to move on to 680 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,360 signs. You might not be future proofed 681 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:44,280 in a minute, but before we do, you might notice my get up here 682 00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:47,400 DDG. This is our the organisation, 683 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:50,440 the nonprofit organisation that Amy and I work for called Dad's 684 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:52,280 Group. Dad's Group also hosts A 685 00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:54,760 fundraiser called Men with a Pram. 686 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,960 The whole purpose behind this is to raise funds for programmes 687 00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:01,280 and research for for dads and families in the perinatal 688 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,680 period. The perinatal is before birth 689 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:05,760 and after birth. We've spoken a lot about 690 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,680 communication and how you get these stresses in your life. 691 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:13,480 The first month after baby is born is such a significant time 692 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,600 and a significant stress for many, many families. 693 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:20,760 We hear of stats on how many mums can receive post Natal 694 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:23,280 depression and there's a lot of research, there's a lot of 695 00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:26,520 support and there's a lot of awareness around that, but 696 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,760 there's not much awareness around one in 10. 697 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,200 Dads also suffer from personal depression. 698 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,120 Our mission is to support dads so they are better equipped to 699 00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:35,600 be able to support their families. 700 00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:38,600 Remember the pram is a national walk around Australia. 701 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,080 Actually it's not even in Australia now. 702 00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:44,320 We are in the UK and we're expanding UK and New Zealand as 703 00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:47,440 well where we're just going. We catch up as families. 704 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:50,240 So family events will be barbecues, there'll be games in 705 00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:53,160 some locations as well. And then we just go for a walk 706 00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:56,920 with our man with the pram shirts on, our hats on, just to 707 00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,880 bring bring that awareness for that need of support for dads in 708 00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,160 that perinatal period. It happens on the Father's Day 709 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,320 weekend every year. Also, if it sounds like 710 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,840 something you would like to do with your family on Father's 711 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:10,080 Day, feel free to hop onto the website which will link into the 712 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:12,800 description of this episode and sign up for your own walk. 713 00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,000 You can make it a Father's Day activity and it's actually a 714 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,840 really nice thing. If you've got nothing else 715 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:20,360 planned yet to take your family to a park, go for a nice walk 716 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:22,920 with some other families and then enjoy a BBQ afterwards. 717 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:24,400 A really beautiful Father's Day thing. 718 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,120 So we'd love your financial support, but we would also love 719 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:30,160 of any families that want to join to be doing their own walk 720 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,560 in their own location. Fatherhood is a life changing 721 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:34,680 experience and you don't have to do it alone. 722 00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,520 Yeah, all righty, so let's get back to the episode. 723 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:40,440 We're going to dive into signs that you might not be future 724 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:42,360 proofed. And I really want to be careful 725 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:45,600 that this isn't just a bit like I don't want this to be look at 726 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:46,760 us. We're in a horrible place. 727 00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,960 As we've said on this episode, future proofing is future 728 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,360 proofing so that you're becoming aware of things before they 729 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:54,680 become an issue. So anything that gets raised in 730 00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:57,400 this segment and we've got things that will come up in this 731 00:33:57,400 --> 00:33:59,840 little part where we're talking about is actually a positive. 732 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:03,280 It's it's a positive little noticing for you to address 733 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:05,760 these areas. It's not a sign you're not in a 734 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,600 good place. It's just a sign that these 735 00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:10,920 might be conversations you might want to have because eventually 736 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:13,080 things might rock that area of your life. 737 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:15,920 So not something to be down about, something to be equipped 738 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:17,920 through. So one thing is if you have one 739 00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:21,320 partner making all the long term sacrifices, that might be a sign 740 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:22,960 that you're not future proofed at the moment. 741 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:26,280 So that could be one partner, as we said at the beginning that 742 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,600 you decided we'd stay home when you had kids. 743 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:31,639 And that hasn't been checked in on, it hasn't been addressed. 744 00:34:31,639 --> 00:34:34,480 It hasn't been something that you've been flexible about and 745 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,239 seen how that's gone through the seasons. 746 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:40,320 If one partner has been doing the long term sacrifices and it 747 00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:43,120 hasn't been checked in on, that's something you want to be 748 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,440 checking in on. Could be the partner that's 749 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,080 decided to work for the family and it could be someone who's 750 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:51,560 put off a goal because they haven't been able to do that for 751 00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:53,600 your life stage. Whatever that sacrifice might 752 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:55,080 look like. If there's one partner that's 753 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,480 got a long term sacrifice and you haven't addressed that, 754 00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,320 again, it's an area to be aware of. 755 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:03,280 Not having a shared financial vision or values is really 756 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:05,160 important. If you don't have the same 757 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,960 approach to finances, finance is a really common relationship 758 00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:11,840 stressor. We don't have the same natural 759 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:13,960 approach to finances. We've got very different natural 760 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:15,280 approach. But it's a conversation we've 761 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:18,120 had to have a lot. And we've also had times where 762 00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:21,520 we've adjusted who is responsible for what to match 763 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:24,040 strengths so that we're working towards the same goal. 764 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:27,040 Because my approach is very different to Blair's approach 765 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:29,200 and and my strengths are very different to Blair's strengths 766 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:31,520 in this area. And so we've had to, we set it 767 00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:34,720 up one way and then we've had to adjust as we've gone because 768 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,960 we've figured out that the the roles we've fallen into in that 769 00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:40,200 or the responsibilities we've fallen into in that have not 770 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,360 been helping us move to towards our shared financial goal. 771 00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:46,760 And it has not been leaning on our strengths. 772 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:48,360 And so we've been flexible with that. 773 00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:51,760 Another sign that you might not be future proofed is avoiding 774 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:54,880 tough conversations like we spoke about before having 775 00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,960 conversations you're actively avoiding because they're too 776 00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:01,040 uncomfortable, because they're too difficult, because they 777 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,480 don't feel like the right time can be really important 778 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,160 conversations. Everything's like sex, 779 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,840 resentment, parenting, the roles you've got in your relationship, 780 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:11,680 boundaries that are being pushed avoiding them because of the 781 00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:15,120 discomfort rather than finding a constructive way through them is 782 00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,720 not a great sign. Having a fragile reaction to 783 00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:20,560 stress. So finding yourself reinforcing 784 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:24,040 fragile reactions to stressors that have come up, shutting 785 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:27,160 down, snapping the four horsemen is a perfect example of this. 786 00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:31,880 If you're finding a pattern of reaction to conflict that is not 787 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:35,400 constructive and just doubling down on that, not addressing 788 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:38,200 that, that can be a sign that it's a weak spot for when things 789 00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:39,280 do come up. Yeah. 790 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,520 And this is definitely something that I've, I've had to really 791 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:43,560 work on. We've we've both had to work on 792 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:47,480 in different ways. But you know, the, the reactions 793 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:51,600 to stress, like whether it's the kids or if it's at work and I 794 00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:54,520 leave work and come to the kids, kids or whatever else I'm 795 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:56,240 putting. And we've had to really learn. 796 00:36:56,240 --> 00:36:59,120 And so the Four Horsemen episodes have been huge for me 797 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,800 to go check those out if you haven't already, where it's just 798 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,000 giving you the tools to work through like, all right, this is 799 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,440 my reaction. But that doesn't have to be my 800 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:08,560 reaction. You know, this is how I normally 801 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:11,280 react if I don't put these boundaries in place, if I don't 802 00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:12,960 put these healthy habits in place. 803 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,680 Or I'm not aware of exactly, just do it out of default, yeah? 804 00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:18,760 Because we don't like the answer of, oh, it's just who I am. 805 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:22,360 Yeah, it's not, it's not true. This is just, this is just how 806 00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,680 you're reacting, you know, like that's not who you are. 807 00:37:24,720 --> 00:37:27,360 It's how you're reacting. Who you are is so much deeper 808 00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:29,800 and more complex than that. And we're just wanting to grow 809 00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:30,840 in who we. Are, yeah. 810 00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,400 And those are patterns that are built from your experiences. 811 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,360 So we're all just a big mix of our experiences, every life. 812 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:39,960 So nothing, not much of us is static and doesn't change. 813 00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:40,840 Yeah. Yeah. 814 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:45,000 The other thing too with this is everybody, everybody, everybody 815 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:49,520 goes into fight or flight when danger is is on the horizon. 816 00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:52,840 That's just what our body does. So it makes sense that you have 817 00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,440 a bad reaction to stress. Stress is not a positive thing. 818 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,800 So your body will go into fight or flight and your natural 819 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:00,280 reaction often. And that is it shuts down your 820 00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:03,440 logic centre and makes it a lot harder to have clarity around 821 00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:05,720 those things. And so it's just like you've 822 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:08,160 said, it's about learning the techniques that help you 823 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,920 regulate in those moments and recognising, oh, I really shut 824 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:13,240 down when things get really hard. 825 00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:16,200 I really, really shut down. And so I need to you find a way 826 00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:19,920 to regulate before I shut down. And there are so many tactics 827 00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:22,840 you could like a quick Google search will help you with these 828 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:24,840 things. But yeah, it's, it's normal to 829 00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:27,840 react badly in stress. What you're responsible for is 830 00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:30,440 how you regulate yourself through that so that you can be 831 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:33,400 constructive and keep moving because otherwise you're just 832 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:36,440 like, I'm in danger and I'm just going to like crumple on the 833 00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,480 floor, which doesn't help when a lion is chasing you. 834 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:42,440 Yeah, that's not good. Yeah, this is a really good one. 835 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,560 I love this one and I think this is really practical. 836 00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:48,200 If this alone is the only thing you take from this really 837 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,480 helpful little check in for yourself. 838 00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:54,040 If you cannot name your partner's current bigger biggest 839 00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:58,000 stressor or your partner's current biggest goal, that's a 840 00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:59,680 sign that you might not be future proofed. 841 00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:03,480 If you don't know what your partner's current biggest stress 842 00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:07,680 in life is, or your partner's biggest goal in life is, then 843 00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:10,600 you're probably not checking in with each other enough. 844 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:12,440 There's something missing in that communication. 845 00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:14,640 Could you say, well mine are. Yeah, 100%. 846 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:16,680 Well, your, your, your biggest stress is your work. 847 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,040 Yeah, 100%. And your biggest goal is our 848 00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:20,880 family business. Biggest goal? 849 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,360 OK, you tell me. No, this is the thing. 850 00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:26,520 This is now our relationship is under stress. 851 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:28,720 No, no, no, no, that's that's right. 852 00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:33,560 It's a big, it's a big thing for us to be able to do this job. 853 00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:38,120 But my biggest goal is our family dynamic, like just the, 854 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:41,080 the, the culture in our relationship, you know, with our 855 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:42,360 family that that's the biggest goal. 856 00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:44,880 This is a part of that goal, not the goal. 857 00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:47,320 Yeah. We, we often know what is 858 00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:49,360 important to our partners as hopefully you know what's 859 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:51,240 important to your partners. You want to know what's kind of 860 00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:54,680 coming up as we go like what's the relevant thing going on for 861 00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:57,200 them right now. So yes, that's that's good. 862 00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:59,360 And now next time I. Well, no, you're right. 863 00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:01,240 And I think this is just good and this is just part of the 864 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:03,840 conversation. I wanted to ask that question so 865 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:08,080 we can see again, assumptions. We don't want to assume. 866 00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:11,360 And also like it's the conversation like you were right 867 00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:15,640 to a point, but like if you only thought my biggest goal was, was 868 00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:18,240 the the contents that we're creating, you've actually 869 00:40:18,240 --> 00:40:19,720 missed. The core, the. 870 00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:23,000 Core of it, and the core is what's so valuable to me, you 871 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:24,200 know, so that's my biggest drive. 872 00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:26,080 What makes it important in the 1st place? 873 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:27,880 Yeah, that's good. Yeah, Yeah, that's good. 874 00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:29,920 And biggest driver, that's a good one to add in there as 875 00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:32,920 well. Like what's the biggest value or 876 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:35,680 yet driver motivation? So if you don't know those 877 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:39,560 things, ask, especially the stressor one, because our stress 878 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:43,080 and it's tough because there's times where you're stressed 879 00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:45,760 about things that you it's just too hard to communicate about. 880 00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:48,200 And so it's not that you need to know every detail about the 881 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:49,800 stress. That's not trying to be like you 882 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:51,560 don't know everything about their work stress. 883 00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:51,800 Yeah. Yeah. 884 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:55,000 It's actually just more like knowing what is going on for 885 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:55,840 them. Yeah. 886 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,960 And it's a conversation starter. And after this episode, I'll ask 887 00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,800 Blair what mine is anyway, that I'm your biggest goal. 888 00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:03,280 No. I'm your biggest stress. 889 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:07,800 Yeah, well, both. I'm just kidding. 890 00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:10,680 That's not true, all right? We're just different. 891 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:13,200 Sorry, this is the next one. So if we're just different, and 892 00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:15,720 this is kind of what Blair just said before, if we're just 893 00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:19,520 different becomes an excuse to disengage instead of a reason to 894 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:21,400 explore. It becomes a reinforcement of 895 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:24,680 difference rather than a point of curiosity and connection. 896 00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,000 And that's why I've popped that in there, because we are so 897 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:30,680 different in so many ways. We, I actually think we need to 898 00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:32,040 adjust that. I don't know that we're so 899 00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:34,880 different anymore anymore. We're so different when we first 900 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,320 got together and if we had just used the excuse of we're just 901 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:41,720 different and we didn't. We hear that and it frustrates 902 00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:45,440 us a little bit because of what we've worked through and you 903 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:48,880 know when the people and you don't know the full details, 904 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:50,880 right? But when people say like, we had 905 00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:53,760 to finish our relationship because we're just too different 906 00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:56,280 in our eyes, we're like, wow, you've missed out on this. 907 00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:59,040 Some amazing opportunities together. 908 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:02,000 Like huge value in that. Huge, huge. 909 00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:03,560 I'm being Trump anyway. Keep going. 910 00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:05,520 OK, yeah, sweet. Then there you've thrown me. 911 00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:07,040 But yeah, cool. It's huge. 912 00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,000 Yeah, you've missed out on huge value because. 913 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,840 Yeah, well, I think This is why I like this so much. 914 00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:15,080 Is just so important. Just not the we're, we're just 915 00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:18,000 different or whatever. Just that attitude of curiosity 916 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:21,800 is just just so there, you know, and, and I love this where it 917 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:26,360 says instead of a reason to explore, exploring each other, 918 00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:29,120 exploring what that means. Like I don't want a job where 919 00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:31,600 you're not a part of anymore because I know the value that it 920 00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:34,520 is, it brings because you fill the gaps in what would I do 921 00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:36,280 right? And and now it's like, I need 922 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:39,160 you there in a good way, not in a like dependency way. 923 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,000 And it's like, no, we're just Better Together. 924 00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:43,480 Yeah, there are some people that are more similar. 925 00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:47,040 So we do have friends that are that are married and they're 926 00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:48,600 very similar personalities. Yeah. 927 00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:51,640 And so I don't know what that's like because we haven't walked 928 00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:54,000 that. I don't know what challenges or 929 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:55,600 benefits that brings necessarily. 930 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:59,080 But it doesn't really matter how similar or different you are. 931 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:02,520 As long as you have the same attitude of curiosity and you 932 00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:04,480 want to explore those things, it's awesome. 933 00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:06,760 It doesn't matter. The strength that I see if we 934 00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:09,240 were similar, is that the things that we want to work on, we're 935 00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:11,760 both working on it. Like that's the that's the big 936 00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,320 part there and you're doing it together. 937 00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:15,400 Like that's where that's I think the strength comes in. 938 00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:17,960 You understand the challenge of doing that. 939 00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:21,000 Yeah, more where you and I have had to spend a lot of time of 940 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:24,280 the understanding side. Had to understand exactly. 941 00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:26,360 So that's probably it probably could go both ways. 942 00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:29,120 It probably could be either we're just two different 943 00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:32,720 becoming an excuse or we're just two the same becoming an excuse. 944 00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:35,960 So whatever it is, if it becomes an excuse to disconnect rather 945 00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:38,880 than to explore each other and be curious, and that's that's a 946 00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:41,960 future proofing red flag. Serious things are joked about 947 00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:45,160 instead of spoken about and or or not even joked about Serious 948 00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:48,680 things are, you know, whatever you want to put in there held 949 00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:52,480 less importantly or communicated less seriously about. 950 00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:56,360 That's fully up the clumsy conversations episodes we've 951 00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:59,840 been doing, the way you navigate serious conversations and the 952 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:03,600 tone that you bring to it. That can be a sign of future 953 00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:07,920 proofing strengths or weakness. And it's it's because we're 954 00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:10,440 avoiding those conversations. Again, it's because of how 955 00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:12,680 there's important conversations that every couple needs to 956 00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:16,240 navigate may or may not be had in a constructive way. 957 00:44:16,240 --> 00:44:19,200 So if serious things are just joked about, we've found this 958 00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:22,680 like we have found ourselves in that joking pattern, especially 959 00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:25,520 because humour is a big thing for both of us, but it can also 960 00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:29,160 be a defence mechanism. And it's easier to be jokey than 961 00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:31,880 it is to be upfront. And humour has its place. 962 00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:34,200 But yeah, if it's if the serious things are just joked about 963 00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:36,280 instead of communicated about, it's just another way of 964 00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,120 avoiding those conversations. This is my heart. 965 00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:39,920 Take last one as well. That might be a sign. 966 00:44:39,920 --> 00:44:43,480 And I this has a disclaimer to it because obviously we always 967 00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:46,960 the disclaimer is a do some manipulation different topic. 968 00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:48,560 We're not talking about that. We're not going there. 969 00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:52,280 But if the hot take I have is if you're having a serious doubt 970 00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,960 creeping in about did I choose the wrong person? 971 00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,280 I feel like sometimes that's a future proof thing. 972 00:44:57,280 --> 00:45:00,080 And, and I and I have talked to people that have had that 973 00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:01,840 thought in their head where they're like, I just don't know 974 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:03,840 that I chose the right person. Hot take. 975 00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:05,360 I don't think there's one right person. 976 00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,440 I don't think Blair was the right person. 977 00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:10,000 There's a lot of stuff about how we ended up together that is 978 00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:12,680 actually funny because I don't actually think that that 979 00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:14,840 normally happens. Like it just, it did really seem 980 00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:16,920 quite intentional. And I definitely think there are 981 00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:20,200 people that are easier to end up with than others, but I don't 982 00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:21,960 think there's one person that's right or wrong. 983 00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:23,960 And I think if you're sitting there like, I think I just chose 984 00:45:23,960 --> 00:45:27,400 the wrong person, I, my hot take is I think you're focusing on 985 00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:30,360 the wrong things. And my hot take is I think any 986 00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:33,560 two people that are both willing to learn to love each other can 987 00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:37,080 make a strong and beautiful relationship together outside of 988 00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:38,880 we're not talking about abuse. That's why I'm setting that 989 00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:41,560 aside or horrible patterns that are outside of your control. 990 00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:44,200 I'm talking about any two people that are willing to put this 991 00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:46,400 work in can make a beautiful relationship. 992 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:49,000 And we've just flagged all of that in the different signs like 993 00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:51,320 it doesn't matter how different you are or how similar you are. 994 00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:54,360 So if you've got a doubt creeping in, did I choose the 995 00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:56,600 wrong person? I think that is a future 996 00:45:56,600 --> 00:45:59,280 proofing red flag. And I think that is an area to 997 00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:02,680 challenge because the grass is always greener and it's so easy 998 00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:05,760 to look at these relationships or other people and think 999 00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:07,240 they're so strong when they're so easy. 1000 00:46:07,240 --> 00:46:09,080 It would be so much easier with this person. 1001 00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:11,440 That's not true. The exact same things you're 1002 00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:13,880 challenged with with one partner, you would be challenged 1003 00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:16,280 with another. You just would have more 1004 00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:18,520 experience under your belt because you've gone through it 1005 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:20,040 and now you'd know, Oh, that's important. 1006 00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:22,800 So that's my heart take. Last one on the list. 1007 00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:25,480 If you're having that doubts creep in, question it. 1008 00:46:25,480 --> 00:46:28,760 We're going to move on to how to strengthen your relationship in 1009 00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:31,000 these things. We've just talked about things 1010 00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:33,360 that might have flagged and been like, so that's actually maybe 1011 00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:35,960 something we need to work on. How do you then strengthen those 1012 00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:39,000 so that you are future proofing? So if this feels confronting, 1013 00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:41,040 that's a good sign. It means that you're caring 1014 00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:42,360 about this. It means that you want to be 1015 00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:45,360 intentional and it means that you're in the process of 1016 00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:47,480 assessing. And that is you're already like 1017 00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:49,880 leaps and bounds ahead because once you become aware of these 1018 00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:51,520 things, awareness is the biggest thing. 1019 00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:54,120 Like once you're aware of these things, you're already in the 1020 00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,000 process of working on it. And that's amazing. 1021 00:46:56,200 --> 00:46:59,320 So being scared of this thing because you know, it's a factor 1022 00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:02,000 is actually not, it's not something to be too scared of. 1023 00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:04,160 It's actually something to be celebrating because you're aware 1024 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:05,640 and you can then put these things in place. 1025 00:47:05,640 --> 00:47:08,280 So asking yourself, this is really important. 1026 00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:09,840 What would expose our weak points? 1027 00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:11,840 And it's something I actually want to do with Blair later. 1028 00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:14,440 Like what is something that would expose our weak points 1029 00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:16,200 right now? Just be a bit creative. 1030 00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,560 Is it time? Like time stresses, money 1031 00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:20,960 stresses, parenting imbalance, emotional load. 1032 00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:23,840 Be creative thinking. What is something that could 1033 00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,080 expose the weak points in our relationship? 1034 00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:29,040 And it can be think it can be a bit painful to think about, but 1035 00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:32,360 I guarantee you that this forward thinking is a whole lot 1036 00:47:32,360 --> 00:47:34,520 less painful. Like this kind of creative 1037 00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:37,280 forward thinking is a whole lot less painful than it would be 1038 00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:40,440 and a whole lot more helpful than it would be avoiding 1039 00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:43,000 thinking about this and then finding yourself actually having 1040 00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:46,000 those weak points exposed down the track because of a stress. 1041 00:47:46,160 --> 00:47:48,160 Then you're navigating the stress and you're navigating the 1042 00:47:48,160 --> 00:47:50,240 weak point. Future focused check insurance 1043 00:47:50,240 --> 00:47:51,920 that don't feel heavy. We love this. 1044 00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:53,880 We've talked about this a lot and we have a resource on the 1045 00:47:53,880 --> 00:47:57,160 website for this. Having a check in night where 1046 00:47:57,200 --> 00:48:00,360 there's and just like download the resource if you want this as 1047 00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:02,800 as a structure, but something that's not super heavy, but 1048 00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:04,960 you're not having a big moment of like sitting down and be 1049 00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:07,800 like, this is the thing I need to talk about, which is has its 1050 00:48:07,800 --> 00:48:10,400 time and place. But if you want to just start 1051 00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:13,440 gently working on these, scheduling a check in night, 1052 00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:16,200 scheduling a fun, make it fun. We've talked about like putting 1053 00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,040 board games, nice drinks, desserts, something like that 1054 00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:20,120 doesn't have to be out of the house. 1055 00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:22,760 It can be if that works for you can be in the house after the 1056 00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:24,080 kids are down or something like that. 1057 00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:28,560 Be creative with how it works. Do not let the practicalities of 1058 00:48:28,560 --> 00:48:31,240 it stop you from doing it is essentially the point. 1059 00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:34,680 And have a check. I just asked some of these fun 1060 00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:36,320 questions, like make them light and fun. 1061 00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:38,360 So the question could be just for fun. 1062 00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:40,400 Where do you imagine us living in five years? 1063 00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:42,840 And then you can start to work on future goals. 1064 00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:45,400 Or if we lost one of our incomes, what would we do? 1065 00:48:45,560 --> 00:48:47,920 Creative thinking. The kind of questions Blair 1066 00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:50,160 loves me asking right when he's about to fall asleep. 1067 00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:54,280 What part of our life feels unsustainable right now? 1068 00:48:54,320 --> 00:48:56,600 Is there anything you've been carrying that we haven't talked 1069 00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:58,480 about? I know these aren't fun, fun 1070 00:48:58,480 --> 00:49:00,600 questions, but you can do them in a light way. 1071 00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:04,000 That's like if I was a Caterpillar, would you still 1072 00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:05,800 love me? If I murdered someone, would you 1073 00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:07,880 help me hide the body? We had an argument about that 1074 00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:09,240 one time. Do you remember that? 1075 00:49:09,240 --> 00:49:09,680 Yeah. Yeah. 1076 00:49:10,080 --> 00:49:11,280 I'm not going to tell you who said what. 1077 00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:14,720 Just so you know, I had the better answer. 1078 00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:18,880 Anyway, look at the if you want more examples of this, Google 1079 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:23,560 has 500 different resources to. Even better, at our website 1080 00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:25,520 we've got a free resource you can download for a check in 1081 00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:27,080 night. These can be casual. 1082 00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:29,120 They can be in the car on a walk. 1083 00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:31,080 They can meet a check in night. They can be while you're folding 1084 00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:32,520 laundry. They can be when your partner is 1085 00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:35,520 about to fall asleep. Don't recommend that. 1086 00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:40,120 Just build the habit of thinking together and not reacting 1087 00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:42,600 separately or not trying to process these separately. 1088 00:49:42,600 --> 00:49:46,760 You're just having casual chats about future concepts and things 1089 00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:48,680 where you're doing it in a low pressure time. 1090 00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:51,160 You're not doing it when you're not doing it in the middle of a 1091 00:49:51,160 --> 00:49:53,160 crisis. You're doing it before in a nice 1092 00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:55,320 easy time. Another thing too is sometimes 1093 00:49:55,320 --> 00:49:57,320 having these conversations, depending on how the 1094 00:49:57,320 --> 00:50:00,520 relationship is, it can feel a lot, especially if you haven't 1095 00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:03,120 kind of done this. So another thing you could do is 1096 00:50:03,120 --> 00:50:07,120 implement a rating scale to just check in very quickly at a 1097 00:50:07,120 --> 00:50:08,840 glance at how each other are going. 1098 00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:11,680 Can be about anything. It could be like out of five how 1099 00:50:11,680 --> 00:50:13,320 you're feeling or out of 10 how you're feeling. 1100 00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:15,440 That's what we do with work. I've started doing something 1101 00:50:15,440 --> 00:50:18,320 with someone in my life. Anymore with coaching. 1102 00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:19,880 Oh, coaching. Yeah, I do with coaching. 1103 00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:21,600 Yeah, yeah. And just like ask. 1104 00:50:21,720 --> 00:50:23,480 The question like, well, how are you feeling about this 1105 00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:26,240 situation? And they might say 4, Right. 1106 00:50:26,240 --> 00:50:28,440 And then this is just the example that you shared with me. 1107 00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:31,200 And then you ask that same question a few weeks later after 1108 00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:32,880 you've been working with them. It's like, well, how do you feel 1109 00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:34,440 about it now? And they're like 8. 1110 00:50:34,560 --> 00:50:35,880 Yeah. You know, so it's that's the 1111 00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:38,480 sort of gauge of and you can bring that into your everyday 1112 00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:40,480 life like it could be. You do it with your kids. 1113 00:50:40,520 --> 00:50:42,840 Yeah, we do it. Exactly how do you feel? 1114 00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:46,040 How, how are you feeling today after school out of 10? 1115 00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:49,200 And they give us a number and it just helps you know how to gauge 1116 00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:51,280 that conversation then. Because if you keep giving a 1117 00:50:51,280 --> 00:50:54,640 four, well, I'm not going to drill them like the kids about 1118 00:50:54,640 --> 00:50:57,840 all their details of homework and school and all this sort of 1119 00:50:57,840 --> 00:50:59,000 stuff. I'm going to be more actually 1120 00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:02,280 curious about why they are 4, but also if they give you a 10, 1121 00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:04,680 I'm going to be curious on why would they attend and let's 1122 00:51:04,680 --> 00:51:06,000 celebrate that. That's awesome. 1123 00:51:06,080 --> 00:51:08,560 And tracking it over time is good to be like oh you weren't 1124 00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:11,200 so great last week but now you're doing better And it it 1125 00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:14,480 releases them from having to explain it or like our kids hate 1126 00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,760 answering what they did. I don't know why it's such an 1127 00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:18,360 annoying question. The number was annoying when I 1128 00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:21,160 was in school. And so having this kind of 1129 00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:23,880 easier check in point can be, can be really good. 1130 00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:26,200 So implementing that if it feels too hard to have actual 1131 00:51:26,200 --> 00:51:29,200 conversations, just implement a check in could be out of five, 1132 00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:32,360 even if if out of 10 feels too complicated, make it easy and 1133 00:51:32,360 --> 00:51:34,520 sustainable for you. And then there's the other 1134 00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:37,040 factor of this too, is if you're the one that's noticing that 1135 00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:40,160 cracks first and your partner's not quite ready to be on board 1136 00:51:40,160 --> 00:51:43,120 or not quite on the same page as you, you aren't without 1137 00:51:43,240 --> 00:51:45,560 practical stuff you can do. So these are some things you can 1138 00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:47,720 do in that situation. Your awareness matters. 1139 00:51:47,720 --> 00:51:50,840 So like I said before, your awareness of the crack is 1140 00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:53,920 already putting you ahead. So just be reassured by that. 1141 00:51:54,120 --> 00:51:56,320 Your awareness of a crack is really important. 1142 00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:59,480 It even just gives you words to things when when things do come 1143 00:51:59,480 --> 00:52:02,440 up, you can try some soft introductory phrases to your 1144 00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:04,280 partner. So things like I heard this 1145 00:52:04,280 --> 00:52:06,920 episode podcast and it made me think, or can we talk about 1146 00:52:06,920 --> 00:52:09,240 this? Not because it's a big issue, 1147 00:52:09,240 --> 00:52:11,840 but because I want to like work on this for the future, just 1148 00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:14,240 like something that really sets them up knowing this is not a 1149 00:52:14,240 --> 00:52:16,680 huge issue. I'm just curious about this 1150 00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:19,280 thing. Even if they don't respond right 1151 00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:21,840 away, you're starting to plant these little seeds of 1152 00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:24,080 conversation. You're starting to plant a seed 1153 00:52:24,080 --> 00:52:26,760 of culture in your relationship where they're recognising. 1154 00:52:26,960 --> 00:52:29,560 All of a sudden my partner is really curious about me and 1155 00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:31,560 they're asking me things and they're trying to check in. 1156 00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:35,120 And it might not be comfortable or natural feeling at first, but 1157 00:52:35,120 --> 00:52:38,200 that little seed and your willingness to do that speaks 1158 00:52:38,960 --> 00:52:41,680 like volumes and will be helpful down the track. 1159 00:52:41,840 --> 00:52:44,000 The other thing that's really important, we say, we say this 1160 00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:46,920 in so many contexts, but people love to talk about themselves. 1161 00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:49,040 If you don't have a culture in your relationship where it's 1162 00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:51,640 super easy to have these deep conversations and you raise 1163 00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:54,080 things that you're struggling with and your partner is really 1164 00:52:54,080 --> 00:52:56,280 receptive to it because you haven't gotten to that point, 1165 00:52:56,480 --> 00:52:58,480 don't be dismayed. Like that's a muscle that's 1166 00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:00,760 strengthened. Instead, why don't you start by 1167 00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:03,320 just asking them about themselves, removing yourself 1168 00:53:03,320 --> 00:53:05,920 from it, as hard as that can be sometimes, and just being really 1169 00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:08,040 curious about your partner because people love to talk 1170 00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:10,040 about themselves. So I've been thinking about how 1171 00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:11,320 much pressure you're under lately. 1172 00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:14,760 Is there anything that I can do to help with that or you've got 1173 00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:16,720 so much going on, Is there one thing I could take off your 1174 00:53:16,720 --> 00:53:17,640 plate? Something like that? 1175 00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:21,920 Being curious about them instead of trying to at the beginning 1176 00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:24,960 make it about you or make it about this big heavy thing that 1177 00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:27,440 if they're struggling or they're not used to, it is really hard 1178 00:53:27,440 --> 00:53:29,560 to take on board to make the opening about them. 1179 00:53:29,560 --> 00:53:32,200 It's not about you and it creates safety and it creates 1180 00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:34,320 space. It also that fight or flight 1181 00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:37,320 reaction we talked about earlier, it relieves that so 1182 00:53:37,320 --> 00:53:40,400 that their brain and their logic centre is still on instead of 1183 00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:42,480 them being like, oh, they're bringing up a really heavy thing 1184 00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:44,480 and then they just shut down and then they fall into their 1185 00:53:44,480 --> 00:53:45,960 reactions and that sort of thing. 1186 00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,440 There's still things you can do even if you're doing, you're 1187 00:53:48,440 --> 00:53:51,160 navigating this on your own at the beginning and your partner 1188 00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:54,040 is not quite on the same page and not really ready to do 1189 00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:56,920 conversations back and forth. These are some of the things you 1190 00:53:56,920 --> 00:54:00,440 can do to introduce this new pattern of this new culture of 1191 00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:02,760 exploring these things. So you're future proofing your 1192 00:54:02,760 --> 00:54:04,880 relationship. Future proofing is so much 1193 00:54:04,880 --> 00:54:06,080 harder to say than I thought it was. 1194 00:54:06,080 --> 00:54:11,040 Future proof, yeah. You say it right now, see. 1195 00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:12,880 Yeah. Everyone's like, no, I said it 1196 00:54:12,880 --> 00:54:15,240 fine. Anyway, that's future proofing 1197 00:54:15,240 --> 00:54:17,800 your relationship. Big one, Foundational one. 1198 00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:18,960 Good one. Good one. 1199 00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:21,840 I think it's really important. Some little closing thoughts for 1200 00:54:21,840 --> 00:54:24,160 us here is you don't have to fix everything overnight. 1201 00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:27,120 These things that flagged for you in this episode are not. 1202 00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:30,320 You're not like on Dire Straits. Sometimes I say things and I 1203 00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:36,080 don't know what they mean, but Dire Straits, it's just a 1204 00:54:36,080 --> 00:54:38,360 conversation to start. It's just something to be aware 1205 00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:40,440 of. So don't feel overwhelmed 1206 00:54:40,440 --> 00:54:42,080 because you've had things flagged for you. 1207 00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:45,840 Just allow them to be moments that you're like, yeah, and then 1208 00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:47,480 you're aware you're already steps ahead. 1209 00:54:47,480 --> 00:54:48,800 You can start to implement these things. 1210 00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:50,560 Not everything needs to be fixed in one go. 1211 00:54:50,560 --> 00:54:53,720 In fact, trying to do that would probably be counterproductive. 1212 00:54:55,120 --> 00:54:57,360 These moments of honesty are strengthening. 1213 00:54:57,360 --> 00:54:59,480 So these little moments of checking in, these little 1214 00:54:59,480 --> 00:55:02,480 moments of curiosity changing how you approach your partner, 1215 00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:04,960 all of those things are strengthening and are future 1216 00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:08,080 proofing in and of themselves. So be reassured with that. 1217 00:55:08,320 --> 00:55:09,760 You can share this with your partner. 1218 00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:12,080 You can implement a check in night if that's something that 1219 00:55:12,080 --> 00:55:14,560 they're out for, you're up for. And if you're not sure where to 1220 00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:17,480 start, just pick one of those checking questions we listed in 1221 00:55:17,480 --> 00:55:19,200 the earlier things and just do it today. 1222 00:55:19,400 --> 00:55:22,520 Just make it nice and easy in a moment where you're together. 1223 00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:25,240 I did joke about it, but don't do it in a moment just before 1224 00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:27,400 they fall asleep because that will not be helpful and probably 1225 00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:29,880 make you all frustrated. But just pick one of those if 1226 00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:33,040 that's if that's what feels manageable to you, and start 1227 00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:35,120 there. But this is something that I 1228 00:55:35,120 --> 00:55:37,680 think is important for everyone to be aware of, so we're not 1229 00:55:37,680 --> 00:55:40,600 just floating along until something comes up that's more 1230 00:55:40,600 --> 00:55:42,000 difficult. Cool. 1231 00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:43,320 Thanks guys. Thanks guys. 1232 00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:44,600 That was a good one. Good chat.