1 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,560 Have you ever had a moment where your mouth moves faster than 2 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:18,120 your heart? You mean one thing, but your 3 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,280 words come out like a slap to the face? 4 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,520 Well, there's episodes for you. Over the last few episodes, 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,720 we've been talking about clumsy conversations and how easy it is 6 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,480 to miscommunicate. And today we're going to take 7 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,360 that one step further. We're going to be reading from 8 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:31,640 rated stories of people who accidentally said the wrong 9 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,120 thing. And we're going to be looking 10 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,760 at, well, where to from here. Because sometimes it's not what 11 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,400 you meant, but it's how it's landed. 12 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,920 So if you've ever thought to yourself, but that's not what I 13 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,600 meant, then there's episodes for you. 14 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,040 Yes. So we're going to dive into 15 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,720 Reddit stories about this topic, real Reddit stories of people 16 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,560 accidentally implying or saying something they did not mean. 17 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,480 So welcome to Honey We need to Chat, the podcast all about 18 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,800 communication in relationship. We believe that when 19 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,600 communication dies, bad things happen. 20 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,720 And so we chat and we bring these things to the episodes and 21 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,200 we are chatting with the heart to try and strengthen 22 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,200 relationships. My name is Amy and this is my 23 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:05,319 husband Blair. Hello. 24 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:06,960 And usually Blair does this intro. 25 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,400 So I almost said my name is Blair and this is my wife Amy. 26 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,440 But Amy, this is Blair. Welcome. 27 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,960 Welcome had a lot of people join us over the last few weeks. 28 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,240 And so we just want to say a big welcome to you. 29 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:21,160 Thank you so much for following on this journey and joining this 30 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:25,240 journey because as we grow and we discuss this, our heart and 31 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,360 prayers that you will too. So we want to do this together. 32 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,320 Thank you so much for joining and just do all the things, do 33 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,960 all the things like share, subscribe comments. 34 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:36,200 What another thing we love to do is we love to hear from you. 35 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,760 Yeah, so write in. We do listen to write write 36 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,480 insurance as well. So we've got another one coming 37 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,360 up next week where we're going to be. 38 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,600 We've had a write in and we're gonna be sharing about that and 39 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:45,920 giving our thoughts on that as well. 40 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,160 And also sometimes bringing some material for those that have 41 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,160 been here for a while. You know that Amy's also a life 42 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:53,000 coach and she works a lot with women on, you know, just 43 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,480 identifying their own stuff and working through their own 44 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,200 situation and understand that you're not stuck. 45 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,200 You have the tools that you need and you have the ability to work 46 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,600 through that. So we do that too on this 47 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,120 podcast. We just help navigate through 48 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:07,000 these different circumstances. So right in we'd love to hear 49 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:07,280 from. You. 50 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:08,840 Yeah. And we've got free resources on 51 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,560 the website to support you in this process as well. 52 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,240 Honey, we honey, we need chat.com. 53 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,960 I was gonna say www.againhoneyweneedachat.com 54 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,480 Lots of free resources to support you and your partner in 55 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:24,120 your navigating of communication in your relationship. 56 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,120 And we also have some more exciting stuff coming up. 57 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:31,880 So check out the tubes on that, the YouTube, your tubes, look at 58 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,400 them, check them out and we'll, yeah, you'll see what's 59 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,000 happening there. But that's a secret. 60 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,400 All right, so let's dive into some Reddit story. 61 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,480 Let's get it. This first story is called I 62 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,200 Accidentally Hurt my Boyfriend's Feelings and it's not what I 63 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,160 meant. My boyfriend, 30 male and I27 64 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,240 female have been together almost two years. 65 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,040 We live together in a small studio apartment and normally we 66 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,720 communicate really well. But yesterday I messed up and I 67 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:56,360 can't stop thinking about it. We're both burnt out, he's 68 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,600 finishing his PhD and I work full time in crisis services. 69 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,200 On top of that, I was raised in a very traditional household 70 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,120 where women did everything. Housework, emotional labour, you 71 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,160 name it. And that narrative still gets in 72 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,080 my head sometimes, even though I hate it. 73 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,360 He does help. He carries a laundry up and down 74 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,360 three flights of stairs, takes out the trash and does about 30% 75 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,120 of the dishes, but I do the rest. 76 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,520 Most of the dishes, cooking, cleaning, tidying. 77 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,200 He turns off the hot water to save money so I can't do the 78 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:24,120 dishes unless he turns it back on, which stresses me out when I 79 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:28,200 come home to mess after work. Yesterday was a rough day, 40°, 80 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,760 emotionally exhausting at work and I walked into a pile of 81 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,360 dishes. I couldn't relax. 82 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,560 I change, started doing the dishes in cold water and started 83 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,520 sobbing. He asked if I was mad and I said 84 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,080 no, we just have different standards of cleanliness and I 85 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,080 have to resign myself to the fact that you don't like or want 86 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,560 to do these things and that's fine. 87 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,360 As soon as I said it, I felt bad. 88 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,640 Neither of us said anything for what felt like forever. 89 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,400 Then he got up and started to get laundry ready to takedown. 90 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,120 I told him he didn't have to do that right now, but then he said 91 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,800 no, it's fine, I don't want you to resign yourself to living a 92 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,040 life with me. It crushed him, he said it was 93 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,680 the most hurtful thing I've ever said. 94 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,040 That's not what I meant. I meant that I was tired of 95 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,160 feeling like I had to become my mother, doing it all silently. 96 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,480 I apologise, explained, cried, who talked it through and 97 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:10,840 hugged. But there's still a heaviness 98 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,640 between us. How do I move forward? 99 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,680 How do I show him I still see what he does even if I slipped 100 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,200 up? This is a very common thing that 101 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,480 we see over the gender roles and things, right? 102 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,120 So there's there is a culture shift that is happening where, 103 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,320 you know, a lot of men are looking at this situation of 104 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,920 like, well, I don't, I don't want you to do everything at 105 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,440 home. Like I want to be able to step 106 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:31,440 up in this way. But with that as well, you know, 107 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,200 you don't just change, you don't just do it right. 108 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,120 There's this element where you have to grow into that. 109 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,760 It's over really putting in solid habits and habits take 110 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,680 time to actually set in and all this sort of stuff. 111 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,880 You can see here she's exhausted, right, Emotionally 112 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,680 exhausted or just exhausted in general. 113 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,240 And the way that she's communicate could have come 114 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,120 across from him, but and we don't know his situation, but it 115 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,160 could be from the way that he's bonded, because it doesn't sound 116 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:59,280 like a very like it's not a she hasn't said something like 117 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:04,040 outrageously like hard to him, but you don't know what he's 118 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,200 already wrestling with. And it sounds like he's already 119 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,440 wrestled with something in this space where he's like, I've been 120 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:12,640 trying so hard in that area and it's I'm just failing, you know, 121 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,600 and now I'm, I'm, I'm not the man that I wanted to be. 122 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,000 I'm I'm this and that I I'm saying that through 123 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,600 conversations that we've had, I've had with other men, but 124 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,480 also just with myself, right. We have these expectations on 125 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,600 ourselves. And then it's it's just, yeah, 126 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,040 it sucks. It sucks to hear that. 127 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:31,280 I think the the painful part is she's implied accidentally that 128 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,360 she's resigned herself to a life with him. 129 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,280 Yeah. And that is a really hard thing 130 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:38,920 to hear, like your partner. So I feel like that would be. 131 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,320 Well, I feel like that's what I feel like this is kind of being, 132 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,960 I feel like it's kind of being, not exaggerated is the wrong 133 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,440 word, but it it feels blown up because she hasn't said that. 134 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,040 Like I don't read that. I'm like, I'll resign your way 135 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,360 to cleaning. I have to resign myself to the 136 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,040 fact that you don't like or want to do these things, and that's 137 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,480 fine. That's what a life and that's 138 00:05:58,480 --> 00:05:59,920 what I mean. Like, I feel like that's been 139 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,440 out of proportion and I feel like a lot of time that happens 140 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,640 is because that person is already wrestling with. 141 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,960 Something. Yes, and it's triggered. 142 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,640 More because I don't think she said anything drastic there. 143 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:13,760 It's interesting because I so obviously that she said they're 144 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,520 both burnt out and really, really tired. 145 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,400 And so when you are tired and, and you're already frustrated 146 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,080 about stuff, things come out of your mouth. 147 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,320 You don't have the philtre. But it's not just the philtre 148 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:25,960 doesn't mean that everything that comes out of your mouth is 149 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,400 accurate. It's just not filtered. 150 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,800 You also don't have the words and we spoke about that in the 151 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,480 last few episodes. Like you actually say words 152 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,200 wrong or you say them without thinking about the bigger 153 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,400 meaning or the implications or that kind of thing. 154 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,440 And so I think that's what's happened here. 155 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,000 It sounds like she's she said something out of an exhausted 156 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,800 place that is connected to her own fear. 157 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,400 And then like you said, he's received it on face value. 158 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,720 Obviously, he doesn't know the context of what she was trying 159 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,520 to communicate or how she's really feeling. 160 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,760 And then it's it's meant more to him because of whatever he's 161 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,640 navigating and he's he's working through. 162 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,200 I think when you're also, when you've seen a pattern within 163 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,480 your family and you have a deep fear of that repeating. 164 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:07,720 Yeah, everything that reinforces that is harder and harder. 165 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,400 And we've had that play out for us. 166 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,320 And for me, I resonate with this story a little bit because even 167 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:15,400 though so there's a few layers to it, One is the reality is 168 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,360 you're aware of a pattern that you're not happy with. 169 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,040 So automatically you're on the front foot, like you 170 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:25,080 automatically have a step ahead in terms of this pattern playing 171 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,560 out for you. Then your parents did because 172 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,520 you've seen it, you've recognised it. 173 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,240 And it can feel really disheartening because you can 174 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:36,880 start to see similar things, but already you're ahead in terms of 175 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,920 that area because you're aware of it and you're not OK with it. 176 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,840 So that's, that's actually a benefit. 177 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,600 And then the flip side of that too, is everything that falls 178 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,640 into that category that kind of feels like it's reinforcing it 179 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,520 for you, feels bigger than it probably would look from an 180 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,480 outside perspective. So every little thing that she 181 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:59,000 has to do for him would feel bigger to her than it would 182 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,520 someone who didn't experience this growing up and didn't have 183 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,760 a fear of repeating this as an adult. 184 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,560 So you're inflating that mentally. 185 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,600 And then we don't even know because this is from her 186 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,160 perspective, what happens for him. 187 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:14,520 And I resonate with this because my dad was quite a like 188 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,880 beautiful man, but he struggled to regulate himself. 189 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,480 And so I spent a lot of my life trying to regulate him, which 190 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,960 really was not my role and I couldn't do realistically. 191 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:28,040 But as a kid and as a young adult, I, I felt like I had to 192 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,840 regulate him and make sure he was OK. 193 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,600 And if I didn't like the wrong thing, would push him over the 194 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,760 edge. And when you went through your 195 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,400 burnout, I had a couple times where I was like, you were 196 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,720 really struggling with your, your patients and your temper 197 00:08:40,039 --> 00:08:42,559 and your reactions, especially mostly to the kids. 198 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,080 And I had a few moments where I was like, it would spark this 199 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:48,760 fear for me because I'm like, I did not sign up for having to do 200 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,280 this with my husband. Like, this is not what I wanted. 201 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,920 But I also then had to like, like, Blair is not my husband. 202 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,880 Blair is Blair is my husband. Blair is not my dad. 203 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,280 In so many ways. And including what I've just 204 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,800 said, we're already aware of these patterns and we're already 205 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:08,080 working on them to your like teachability and your desire to 206 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,640 better yourself and, and strengthen yourself and your 207 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,040 freedom in that is well beyond what my dad ever experienced. 208 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:18,040 And you were aware of that and owning that yourself. 209 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,120 But it didn't like, there was times where I was like, it was 210 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,880 quite triggering for me because I was, I was all connected to 211 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,720 this big story. It wasn't an accurate read of 212 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,920 the situation, but because of what I was carrying, it did 213 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,600 inflate it for me. And I know you've had the same 214 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,400 exact scenario was really triggering for you in terms of 215 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,720 your fatherhood and that kind of thing because of your experience 216 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,200 too. So it's it is such a complicated 217 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,480 mess of factors. Does that play into it? 218 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,960 Yeah, and I think it's this is just such a clear example of 219 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,560 that. You know, again, she's she's 220 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:50,800 exhausted. She just said I have to settle 221 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,840 for your way of cleaning. He's taken that way further, 222 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,400 way, way further than just the cleaning. 223 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:56,800 That's like my whole life, you know. 224 00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:00,520 You know you regret. Assigned an identity thing? 225 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,640 Yeah, a big a big story to it. And that's we've done that 226 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,200 episode on triggers as well, right? 227 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,480 Like, and then go check that one out. 228 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:11,040 Like it's the triggers we bring to our responses is so much more 229 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,760 important to be aware of than we realised. 230 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:17,160 Well, then I realised, you know, when we first started dating and 231 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:21,400 being engaged and stuff was, yeah, we brought so much baggage 232 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,680 to those conversations. It wasn't just about the 233 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,320 conversation we're having or about the topic, the issue that 234 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,880 we're trying to navigate through those all these other things 235 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,560 that we brought to that and we had to also navigate through. 236 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,800 And that was the beauty of, of being the beauty of, you know, 237 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,720 nearly eleven years of marriage of like we have had to work 238 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,680 through that. We've had to be very intentional 239 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,000 with that. We've had to get professional 240 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,200 help at times. We've had to just be, you know, 241 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,120 intentional with ourselves and and our individual selves and 242 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,200 what we bring to it as well. So I could just see that 243 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,360 trigger. And we don't, we don't see that. 244 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,960 We don't see the specifics of it, but we see it in the 245 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,840 reaction, Yeah. Yeah, totally true. 246 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,080 And I, I think one thing as well is it's interesting that she's 247 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,680 saying I have to resign myself to this. 248 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,800 Obviously like we've just said she didn't mean what she was 249 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,400 saying with the the depth of what it implied. 250 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,560 But when you're like this is like a little, it's not a pet 251 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,120 peeve, but it's just like a concerning pattern. 252 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,160 I see if you're seeing something you're not happy with, you need 253 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:16,800 to communicate about it like you need. 254 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,320 It's not, it's not a matter of like, oh, I guess this is just 255 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:23,440 how it's going to be like you're not at the mercy of things just 256 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,200 falling into place. And we've talked about that that 257 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,480 as well in our episodes where we were talking about the unspoken 258 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,720 contracts. We do, we do build patterns and 259 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:34,040 rhythms and, and we fall into ruts in relationships because 260 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:37,040 you don't want to constantly be like having to monitor 261 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,320 everything you're doing when you're living with someone 24/7. 262 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,560 That's not how we live. But when you find yourself not 263 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,200 feeling satisfied with something, you are free and 264 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,640 should communicate how you're feeling about that. 265 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,400 And I think potentially this is, this is that coming out in a not 266 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,960 in a clumsy way or trying to communicate about this. 267 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,600 And it's just, it's instead of her saying, hey, I'm really 268 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,320 struggling with this, can you help me? 269 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:02,280 She's she's made like a comment about what her life is with him. 270 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:03,720 So it's not come out in a constructive way. 271 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:07,520 But you're not stuck there. Like the only way that people 272 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,320 that are strong relationships down the track that you can see 273 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,880 and observe, the only way they became strong was by having 274 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,200 these conversations along the way. 275 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:17,440 None of them just fell into this amazing relationship that was so 276 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,120 smooth and easy. Like none of them. 277 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,000 In fact, the only people that fell into a pattern in a 278 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,240 relationship and never had to change it were the ones are the 279 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,520 ones that are not strong. So if you're finding this for 280 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,200 one, just like communicate about it, you're not stuck. 2 This is 281 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,280 actually a really good opportunity, even though it's 282 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,920 you both like, you know, there's a heaviness, she said, and then 283 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,240 she said they talked about it. The heaviness might be there 284 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,200 because you're still working on those triggers and they are 285 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,840 painful. It's like a wound, right? 286 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:44,120 Like it's, it's like a sore that sits there and it's not healed 287 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,720 yet. So of course it's painful. 288 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,000 Even when you've kind of like worked through it, it's gonna 289 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,560 still have residual pain. It might take a few days to kind 290 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:53,840 of feel the lightness again. But this is a perfect 291 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,360 opportunity to be like, this is where it came from for me. 292 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,560 I, I was really not happy with the pattern that I saw with my 293 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,960 parents. And I've always wanted a 294 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,680 different dynamic for my relationship. 295 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,560 So when I see these things, it makes me nervous. 296 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:06,720 And that's where that comes from. 297 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,080 And then opportunity for opportunity for him to explain 298 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,760 the same side of whatever it is that's going on for him that 299 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:16,320 again, we don't know. This is why that was such a cut 300 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,560 for me because I, I've been trying really hard to be 301 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,120 different to my dad or I've been trying really hard to, to help 302 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,160 you and, and I've done a lot of work and I feel like you just 303 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,720 kind of slapped me in the face with none of it means anything, 304 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,320 whatever that is. It's actually painful but 305 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,760 beautiful opportunity to talk about. 306 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:34,280 South some ways they could repair on from this scenario 307 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,680 here is she might need some space to dig deeper and 308 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,160 understanding and identifying the fear that she might be going 309 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,560 through in that scenario. So again, hypothetically, 310 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,800 because we don't know them and you know, she might be scared of 311 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,160 becoming like her mum, whatever that means, like whatever that 312 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,480 looks like, we don't know for him, it might mean he needs to 313 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,680 separate intent from impacts. But she wasn't attacking him 314 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,680 directly. She was overwhelmed, you know, 315 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,000 and that was a a product of her overwhelmness. 316 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,160 So, you know, we talk a lot about having an attitude of 317 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,400 curiosity, being curious into that space of like, all right, 318 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,760 well, obviously she's overwhelmed or this is out of 319 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,520 character. Why is that? 320 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,080 So rather than just going straight to a fence, having an 321 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,880 attitude of curiosity, there might be a fence there, but it's 322 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,280 like not letting that rule you like digging deeper. 323 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,480 And that's where we're being safe for each other as well. 324 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:22,480 And the other part is they could use a quick reset script that 325 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,680 we've spoken about too that came out wrong. 326 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,840 Can I try again? It's just a simple phrase. 327 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,720 And these are things that you're going to implement over time. 328 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,080 You need to remember that. That's the habits I was talking 329 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,800 about earlier. Habits take time, you know, and 330 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,640 being aware of these scripts take time. 331 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,280 For that to be natural takes time, but you just didn't be 332 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,880 intentional with those habits and and it will be a great 333 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,200 impact. Another thing too is it's like, 334 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,320 it doesn't need to stop here, right? 335 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,560 Like, so just keep exploring that. 336 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,840 The commitment to exploring it is so much greater. 337 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,600 She was asking the question like there's a little bit of 338 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,760 attention or whatever word she used before. 339 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,640 It's still there. It's like, great, don't now 340 00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,320 ignore it. Address it. 341 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,600 Like go on a date, go away, make it nice. 342 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,400 Like if the environment's stressed, the conversation would 343 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,160 be stressed. If the environment's nice, 344 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:11,040 you're a lot more open to just working through something in a 345 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,280 more positive way. So just keep keep exploring 346 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,200 that. Keep digging into it. 347 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,920 Like actually like this is now something I've identified. 348 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,960 I don't want to stay there. If we've got tension, I don't 349 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,200 want to stay there. Like what can we do better next 350 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,720 time and how can we actually help work this that there isn't 351 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,800 this fear that you have now that I actually think this or you 352 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,280 know, we have better script to work navigate through those 353 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,320 circumstances together. Yeah, it's so funny because when 354 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,520 I hear stories like this, like I know that someone could say 355 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,560 something hurtful and then like, I did not mean it that way. 356 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,760 I meant this. I think my, if I'm honest, my 357 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,800 deep down inside, I'd be like, yeah, but you still said it. 358 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,320 So you did mean it that. Yeah. 359 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,360 And that's what I really struggle with. 360 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,560 We've had that a lot, yeah, even through jokes and stuff like 361 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:54,760 that. And I've had to be like, I've 362 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,760 had to keep on reassuring you. Like, no, I genuinely, I was a 363 00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,040 stupid comment. Like it. 364 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,480 I shouldn't have said it. There was no meaning behind it. 365 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:02,920 Yeah. I think it might be a 366 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,320 personality thing because I spent a lot of time being very 367 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,160 trying to be not always like I definitely have made mistakes in 368 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,040 how I've said things. I try to be very clear in what 369 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,040 I'm saying. Yeah. 370 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,280 And so when someone else says something in my head, I'm like, 371 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,320 well, they've gone about it the same. 372 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:20,800 Like they know what they're saying, but you like you think 373 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,520 out like you think out your thoughts. 374 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,560 I. Process out loud. 375 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,640 It's not like you've haven't like just drawn on it. 376 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,200 Well, that's the thing though, and that's a part of again, the 377 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,600 scripture we've come up with is. I have to say that though, if 378 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,400 that's what I'm doing if. I'm processing out loud like. 379 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,320 I have to say that I actually said that in a team meeting 380 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,720 yesterday with work. I'm like, I'm literally just 381 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,040 repeating everything you guys have said. 382 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,800 I just need to process this out loud to understand what we're 383 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,240 talking about and the strategy that we're putting in place. 384 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,200 And then they're all like, oh, cool, yeah, 'cause before that 385 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,880 they'll be like, dude, I just said that. 386 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,200 I'm like I know I'm just, I'm just working. 387 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:54,520 I'm not taking your ideas. I'm not. 388 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,880 If we did this, yeah, yeah. I take that people's jokes and 389 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,360 do that, but not that. Yeah, all the time it makes on. 390 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,880 Purpose though, yeah, it doesn't. 391 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,920 It makes it very funny. But again, this is the 392 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,680 intentionality part that we're talking about. 393 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,839 We're identifying the needs that we have in that scenario so we 394 00:17:09,839 --> 00:17:12,280 can do it better next time 'cause it's not gonna stop like 395 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,079 you're not gonna just like all of a sudden stop reacting when 396 00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:16,800 you're overwhelmed. You're going to do that. 397 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,640 It's gonna take that, you know the the the continual journey of 398 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,520 of working together on doing a. Better next time. 399 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,520 Yeah, exactly. Sorry. 400 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,800 Our dog is so fluffy. There's fluff everywhere in our 401 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,000 house. I think as well. 402 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,280 If you're someone like me, that's really that you really 403 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,760 struggled. So yeah, I can logically 404 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,040 understand what you're saying and I can understand you didn't 405 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,960 intend it. But in my heart, I still, I'm 406 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,320 like, I still think you meant it. 407 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,880 And you just don't know how to, like, connect the two because 408 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:39,920 that's what I wrestle with a lot. 409 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,640 I think one way is, you know, your relationship and you you 410 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,440 pick up the patterns, right? So like you have to be able to 411 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,200 have grace with somebody. If something happens like this 412 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,200 and you have grace and like, I don't understand how you didn't 413 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,760 mean it, but I'm just going to take your word for it and allow 414 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,960 yourself to release that while also monitoring your patterns. 415 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,320 Like, and if, if that same script keeps coming out or those 416 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:03,200 same stories keep coming out, then maybe then you're more 417 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,480 valid in being like, but you keep saying this in different 418 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,280 ways. That can be like you're, you're 419 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,720 like, oh, no, there's something else going on. 420 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,600 If it's something they say and then they never repeat that kind 421 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,800 of a thing, it's pretty indicative that that's not 422 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,240 actually related to how they're feeling about it. 423 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,560 It's just, it is just a mistake and something they said 424 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,720 incorrectly or they didn't mean to imply what they implied. 425 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,680 And so just having kind of a like allowing yourself to 426 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,560 release it until you have further evidence. 427 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,480 Not that you're always waiting for that evidence, but just 428 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,720 unless something else comes up, you're allowing yourself to 429 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,280 release it. Because that's what I struggle 430 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,400 with is holding this story and then and then everything builds 431 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,520 from that story instead of taking your word for it and 432 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,640 allowing you to be trusted in that space. 433 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,600 Anyway, we're going to move on to two stories that are very 434 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,680 similar. So I might try and we might not 435 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:49,520 like spend too much time on them as individuals, but this is such 436 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,080 a like this poor. Anyway, I'm just going to I 437 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,640 read. This title and straight away 438 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,200 like. Yeah, we've talked about, 439 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,560 there's been a few of these stories on the podcast 440 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,360 previously and every time it's just like, but some of them are 441 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,160 more intentional than others. You don't know what we're 442 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,800 talking about so. Let's talk about it. 443 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,200 I think I messed up by accidentally calling my 444 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,640 girlfriend fat. I've been dating my girlfriend, 445 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,720 let's call her Mary for about a month now and while texting my 446 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,440 mom she asked what Mary looks like. 447 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,080 I asked Mary if she had a picture without a philtre on 448 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,680 hand and since she didn't we were just going to take one. 449 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,480 I snapped a picture and was just going to send it since it's I 450 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,640 thought it looked fine then didn't want to have to take 10 451 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,640 more. This is where I made my mistake. 452 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,400 Mary asked to see the picture and after viewing it she said I 453 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,800 look fat in this one and being an idiot hoping not to have to 454 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,520 take another picture, I said taking another one, fix that. 455 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,720 No. Taking another won't fix that. 456 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,280 In hindsight I should have said something along the lines of no 457 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,520 you don't, but I'm just in a rush to just send my mom a 458 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,240 picture and once again I'm an idiot. 459 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,920 The look of shock on Mary's face as the words left my mouth told 460 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,120 me I'd said something wrong and immediately try to formulate an 461 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,440 apology. But my simple mind can't seem to 462 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,120 figure out what to apologise for. 463 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,920 So I said, what did I just say? Just to clarify, I'm I'm 464 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:09,160 laughing 'cause it's so bad. No, no, I would not do that. 465 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,040 It's so bad. It's just such a big no no. 466 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,720 It's such a big no no. That obviously was just like so 467 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,760 accidental. Anyway, try to figure out what 468 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,840 to apologise for. So I asked her what did I just 469 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,800 say? And Mary informs me that I just 470 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,920 called her fat. This is where my second mistake 471 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,600 comes into play. Seeing as I misread the severity 472 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,360 of what I had just implied and thinking she's not being 473 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,120 serious, I replied with well, yeah. 474 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:34,640 That's. This has been followed up with 475 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,840 many apologies, an explanation of how stupid I am, and over 476 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,600 half an hour of silent treatment. 477 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,360 I'm currently sitting in my car with no idea how to fix this. 478 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,160 Our time machine, bro. Time Machine. 479 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,240 So he was rushing and he was in logic mode. 480 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,960 He was totally not in implication mode. 481 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:54,600 I think one of the the reasons why, well, there's many reasons 482 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,360 why I wouldn't say this, but I think one of the main reasons it 483 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,440 stands out to me why I'm like, we talk about it so much with 484 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:01,840 our kids. Not saying that. 485 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,560 Not saying fact like, you know, not describing thing people or 486 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,400 animals or whatever is fat. It's like fat is a thing. 487 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,760 Like it's actually like in actual enough. 488 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,560 It's a name for a thing. What is that substance? 489 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:14,600 It's a it's. A thing. 490 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,840 It's a thing. And so we've, we're so 491 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,400 intentional with teaching our kids that because we don't want 492 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,080 them, because they have before, like they've seen someone, 493 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,320 they're like, oh, they're so big, in other words. 494 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,920 And we're like, you just don't comment on that. 495 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:30,960 You don't comment on people's appearances like that, you know? 496 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,520 And so, yeah, I think that's just when this stands out. 497 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,200 I'm like, dude, I could see our kids saying this. 498 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,800 And so just shocks me when I see an adult and say this too well. 499 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,680 Like he didn't say the word though. 500 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,080 No, he just didn't. No, no, no, he just. 501 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:45,880 He just reinforced her seeing that. 502 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,960 I think he was rushing. They're new in their 503 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,680 relationship. They've only been dating for 504 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,200 about a month. He was rushing. 505 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,880 He probably doesn't understand her insecurities and what it's 506 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,480 behind that. And I don't know how many 507 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,400 girlfriends he's had. I don't think it says how old 508 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,720 they are either. He's seeing his car, so he's old 509 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:02,560 enough to drive. Yeah. 510 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:06,960 And I can just picture like, you know, when it's not a healthy 511 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,680 way of doing it, but she's kind of put a bid out there in terms 512 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:13,000 of like, I look fat and she's put that bid out there. 513 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,440 And then he's not constructively navigated that. 514 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:20,160 So she's kind of, you know, looking for reassurance in some 515 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,240 ways by saying it. It's because if she, if she 516 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,480 wasn't, I think she would say, oh, can we just take another 517 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:25,640 one? I don't like that or like 518 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,320 something. So I think she, I think there is 519 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,400 a little bit of like trying to see how he feels about it or 520 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,520 trying to be reassured that she's not or I don't know, 521 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,680 whatever is going on for her there, there's obviously an 522 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,040 insecurity there, there and she's put that out there and he 523 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,560 has had absolutely no idea. Yeah, and that's like early on 524 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,200 in a in a relationship too. Like that's that's probably 525 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,600 gonna be more regular. Well, no, regular. 526 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,800 The the the, the, the big putting out there, right. 527 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,280 Like it's gonna be she's testing, she's exploring. 528 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,200 She's like only a month, like far out. 529 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,800 Like, yeah, you know, there's so much. 530 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,200 I mean, I I know, I think I'm just in shock still. 531 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,040 The part, yeah, second hand's embarrassment, but the part I'm 532 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,240 like, oh dude, like you gotta be smarter than that, is the. 533 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,840 Well, yeah. Yeah, the well, yeah, I don't 534 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,600 understand. The the first part I'm like, OK, 535 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,200 that's cringe. But I get yeah, he's like just 536 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,600 logic mode and not relationship mode or thinking mode, whatever. 537 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,680 But the world, yeah, is is. I think he, I think if I 538 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,360 understand correctly, he he took it as her joking. 539 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:20,520 Like, you've just called me fat. And he's like, well, yeah, like, 540 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,400 as a complete joke. Yeah, I know. 541 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,480 And but that's again, I think because we're so intentional 542 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,400 with our kids, I'm like, you don't even make that joke. 543 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,880 Like you just stay so far away from. 544 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,920 That people with insecurities, well, not even just you don't 545 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,640 have to have a deep insecurity for that to be offensive, but 546 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,800 people with securities will take that and be like, there's a 547 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,000 truth to what you're saying. Like I said, that's what I 548 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,360 struggle with. Like there's a bit of truth 549 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:42,600 behind what you're saying right now. 550 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,760 Yeah, but we have our own insecurities, right? 551 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,200 Like this wouldn't, I wouldn't find this insecure. 552 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,000 Like I don't have this sort of insecurity, right? 553 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,160 Like I'm not the thinnest person, but I'm I'm not insecure 554 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,840 about my weight, right? And like it doesn't affect me as 555 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,400 much as it obviously effects her. 556 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,360 But there's other areas for you where it's like, no, that's a no 557 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,040 go zone. Like you don't joke about that 558 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:02,960 sort of stuff with me because that is a trigger. 559 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,240 Like, that's that. I do have those insecurities 560 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,120 these in other areas and you know that. 561 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,400 And you know that because of, you know, nearly eleven years of 562 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,360 marriage. But this one in general, I feel 563 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:12,960 like you just don't do with women. 564 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:14,760 Yeah. Like you just do not make you. 565 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:16,560 Should just not do it with anybody but yes but. 566 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,720 Like I feel like there's gonna be way more triggers with women 567 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:21,760 in this area than than guys, but there are guys that would be 568 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,160 triggering this too. Like, yeah, yeah. 569 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:27,000 Because in my head I'm like, if, if this was me, if I was really, 570 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,720 really not, if you had no inclination that I was 571 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,200 overweight, then you would say no, you don't like the fact that 572 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,320 you didn't say no, you don't like, that's stupid. 573 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,600 Immediately would be like, see, yeah. 574 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,920 So it just is messy. Yeah, it's such a tricky 1 to 575 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,840 navigate through like because even, you know, let's let's move 576 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:46,800 away from just regular, you know, body image when you were 577 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,840 pregnant was even another another level of sensitivity, 578 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,440 right, Because you were definitely obviously bigger. 579 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,880 Sorry, I didn't mean to say definitely you were pregnant. 580 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,320 You were obviously bigger, right. 581 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,200 But there's this whole, there's this like line when you were 582 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,120 pregnant for the first time that stood out to me from liar liar 583 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,560 when he explains about when his ex wife would say like, you 584 00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:08,360 know, when mommy asked me if I look, if she looked fat and 585 00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:10,680 said, yeah, you look like a cow. Do you know that in the light? 586 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:12,520 I don't even. I've only ever seen it like 587 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:13,280 once. Once. 588 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:14,520 Yeah, I'll probably have seen it. 589 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,960 My parents used to watch it but I I haven't seen it as an adult. 590 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,560 Anyway, I don't remember the line specifically like the word 591 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,280 for word, but I remember when you were pregnant for the first. 592 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,000 I'm like, yeah, I can't just say. 593 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,080 You look like a cow. You. 594 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,520 Look like a cow or like, yeah, you do look fat, but it's like 595 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,280 it's yeah, 'cause it's, it was. Saying I looked like a. 596 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:35,240 Cow, sorry, this, No, it's, but my point is, is like even in the 597 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,640 those moments, you know, pregnancy is such a natural, 598 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,320 you're going to get bigger. You've got a whole other human 599 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,560 name. You still navigate that gently, 600 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,720 and you still never get that because you would have comments 601 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,920 where like, moments where you felt insecure because of your 602 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,600 baby bump. And it was like, yeah, well, I'm 603 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,000 not going to say like, yeah. Even when there's like a reason 604 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,520 like a totally. Thank you. 605 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,680 This is so hard to talk about. It is and this is the clumsy 606 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,000 conversation. It is like, I know that I can 607 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,800 have this conversation with Amy and she completely understands 608 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,880 what I mean. But like now, navigating 609 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:07,000 through, knowing that other people listening, it's so much 610 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,080 harder. I will make it a real about you 611 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,120 saying how I couldn't just say you looked like a cow. 612 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,840 Yeah, true. I understand what you're saying. 613 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,640 Even when there's like a completely separate to your 614 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,520 identity reason that you would be looking this way, you still 615 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,200 navigated it gently. Yeah, man, that's just like that 616 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,240 just causes a sweat. That conversation in general. 617 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,320 Don't talk about your body image. 618 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:26,920 Just don't do. It it's gonna get worse. 619 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,400 Yeah. Second one, I-25 male may have 620 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,880 accidentally called my girlfriend 24 female fat. 621 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,560 The title says I may have implied it. 622 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,400 My girlfriend and I were having a lovely conversation over text 623 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,640 about absolutely nothing in particular and eventually 624 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,280 stumbled into the topic of the gym. 625 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,600 I brought up that I was feeling a little skinny, to which she 626 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,680 replied I can't relate. My stupid brain then decided to 627 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:55,040 say skinny ain't all that. I like you, what do I do now? 628 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,200 I legitimately didn't mean it like that as I believe she's 629 00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,840 absolutely perfect the way she is. 630 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,600 I think sometimes girls overestimate how skinny they 631 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,160 need to be to be attractive and I wouldn't want my partner to 632 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,000 have to have that standard in her mind. 633 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,320 That's why I said it, but I just completely came out wrong. 634 00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:13,280 I really do think she's so amazingly attractive right now. 635 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,760 If she really did want to focus on the gym, I'd support her 636 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,520 there too. How have I messed up this bad 637 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:20,880 with good intentions? And then he's got an edit says 638 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,520 thanks for all the advice. Seems I've found the good side 639 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,240 of Reddit here, which is not common, not. 640 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,800 Common at all A. Lot of the advice was echoing 641 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,800 the same sentiment of not being a big deal. 642 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:32,320 Don't worry if it is, just explain yourself. 643 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:35,040 So I'll be acting on that. Was especially nice to hear 644 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,360 stories of how people's husbands did something similar in the 645 00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:39,240 early stages. Thanks again, ladies and 646 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,400 gentlemen. So this one's less like this 647 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,000 one. You can really see what was 648 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:45,280 sitting behind that I. Just like I, I don't even know 649 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:47,560 what to say now because it's, I just get it. 650 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:51,760 It's so hard to navigate through a lot of these, especially this 651 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:53,440 area. It's so hard to navigate through 652 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,560 from man Yeah. To know how to say in the right 653 00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,200 way that it's not offensive because again, there's so many 654 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,640 insecurities around that. And we keep talking about like 655 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,600 even in the first story, three years have so much. 656 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:08,000 It just puts a whole other philtre of what you've said in 657 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,480 in the words that you've used. It's like a minefield. 658 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,200 Aware of it, yeah. You're literally walking through 659 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:13,920 a minefield. So I was thinking with this one, 660 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,600 I totally agree with him. Like we back in when we were 661 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,440 teenagers, like early teenagers, the really skinny model look was 662 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:25,240 in like really, really skinny. And it was definitely before the 663 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,760 Kardashians type of vibe. And in my head as a teenage 664 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:31,520 girl, you had to be skinny to be attractive. 665 00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,560 And so that's what I strive for. And now I feel differently about 666 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:36,040 it. Like that's not what I'm driving 667 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:38,400 like striving for. It's just, I just want to feel 668 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,840 more healthy. Like playing that out. 669 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,560 He, he is 100% right. And he, what he's trying to 670 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,560 express is it's actually, it doesn't like you don't have to 671 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:50,280 be a certain amount of skinny to be attractive. 672 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,760 Like you're attractive as you are now, but even saying that is 673 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,520 a minefield because if she's insecure about it, which we 674 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,880 don't actually know because did she, did he say how she reacted? 675 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:02,480 No, so we don't, we don't know how she's felt. 676 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,680 I think he's freaking out. I'm not sure that we've seen 677 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:06,160 like the other side of the conversation yet. 678 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:09,880 If she's insecure about her weight, even hearing him say 679 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:13,040 skinny is really not that important for attractiveness. 680 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:14,960 And like, I, I like you the way that you are. 681 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,240 Then she might still, even though his, like, intentions are 682 00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,600 there and you can hear what he's saying, she might still be like, 683 00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:22,200 so you're implying I'm not skinny. 684 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:25,680 And that can still be so closely tied into insecurity that it 685 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,640 would still be a trigger. So it's, it is such a 686 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,880 complicated topic. I think the safe route is always 687 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,320 to be like, you are perfect the way you are, like just to keep 688 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:33,800 it off. Yeah. 689 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,760 Any kind of judgement or any kind of comment about it. 690 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:41,080 Yeah, So how to repair that though, like again, time time 691 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:42,760 machine. No, that's not true. 692 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,600 Like because I've, you know, we've had different 693 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:47,600 conversations over our marriage about health, right? 694 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:51,120 And I've even now like we're talking about nutrition or 695 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,880 exercise and the benefits and all that sort of stuff, because 696 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,200 we've been on different journeys with that. 697 00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:59,960 And like even bringing that up, you've got to be so gentle and 698 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,800 careful. And again, it's not about just 699 00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:06,240 communicating your point that you've really got to take into 700 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,520 mind, you know, how the other person will receive. 701 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,840 And so something we, we've got to navigate through, but it's a 702 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:12,040 commitment to navigating through it. 703 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,320 And so with this as well, it's again, just just clarifying like 704 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:16,760 it's like, no, I didn't mean that. 705 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,960 Like if we take the second example, I just don't want you 706 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:22,200 to feel like you need to change. You know what I mean? 707 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,640 Like, so that's something that's really important, really 708 00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:27,720 emphasising what did you actually mean rather than trying 709 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,560 to come out with all these other excuses. 710 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,480 Just being clear. I didn't mean you like to call 711 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:36,800 admit to come across this way. I just want you to know that I 712 00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:38,160 don't think you need to change, right? 713 00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:39,800 Like that's really, really important because I think that's 714 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,160 what a lot of people are wanting when they do put that out there, 715 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,480 no matter what the insecurity is, it's that comfort, It's that 716 00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,360 safe. It's that you love me for me, 717 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:51,520 not over these things, right? Like it's. 718 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,120 So it's just that test. No, a test is the wrong word. 719 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:56,360 It's that. It's a bid, it's a bid to see 720 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,600 where your partner's at and how they feel about you. 721 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,560 And yeah, you're putting yourself out there to then be 722 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:04,200 received in some way. And I think as well, like I 723 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,520 really love this whole body positive language or body 724 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:10,160 neutrality is kind of something that I'm trying to bring into 725 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:12,640 the family or like we, we've been doing with the kids and 726 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,080 that sort of thing. Like your body is one part of 727 00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,040 you and it is an important part of you. 728 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:22,200 But in the world or from like media that has been inflated to 729 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,040 the most important part of you, which is just so not accurate 730 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:28,960 because how you look is like 1 dimension of who you are. 731 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:31,280 And you could be a horrible person and look incredible 732 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:34,680 objectively or the same person that someone finds super 733 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:36,280 attractive, someone else might not. 734 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:38,960 So it's also like, is it subjective or objective? 735 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,760 Never get that right. It's all based on people's own 736 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:44,720 personal experience. And so there's a beauty in being 737 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,760 neutral about like finding people's value outside of their 738 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,360 body because there'll be enough pressure about their body. 739 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:51,880 They don't need to like that work. 740 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:53,520 That will be be enough from external stuff. 741 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:56,520 You don't even need to try and like navigate that within your 742 00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:58,720 family necessarily because they'll get that from elsewhere. 743 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:02,240 But if you can really enforce this like the value of somebody 744 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,760 outside of their looks, then that's I feel like that's where 745 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,960 the gold is because that helps with the more balance in terms 746 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,600 of that sort of stuff. So even for them, him expressing 747 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:14,400 this is what I meant and also expressing like he's trying to 748 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:17,720 bring in these rejects like the toxic body image stuff, 749 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:19,720 terminology or thoughts or whatever. 750 00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:23,160 So he could even be like, I don't like that area of life, 751 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:25,560 like I don't like that pressure. So that's why I'm talking like 752 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:27,000 this. And this is how we should like, 753 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:30,160 this is how I'd love for us to be talking in our relationship 754 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:31,960 and having. It's actually a cool opportunity 755 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,840 to have that, like establish what you guys want in your 756 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,720 dynamic as how you'll navigate those things. 757 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,120 Because they're they're dating at the moment. 758 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:42,240 Eventually they might have a family and then it's going to be 759 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:44,360 important how they what stance they take on that too. 760 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,080 Yeah, I think this guy's just accidentally stumbled into 761 00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,440 something that and maybe she's not that stressed about it. 762 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:51,360 We'll see or we won't see, but he'll see. 763 00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:53,520 But definitely another one of those like, oh. 764 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,520 So we're gonna get to the last story soon, but it's gonna take 765 00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:59,520 a moment and say, if you are not following us across YouTube, 766 00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:02,560 Instagram, Tiktok's book, go on there, follow us on there. 767 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:05,920 Because this podcast is only one element of what we're doing here 768 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:08,440 on honeymoon to chat. We, we've got a lot of different 769 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,520 resources that come out. We've got a lot of different 770 00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:12,760 tips and tricks and stuff. So don't miss out on that. 771 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:16,240 We've also got some exciting stuff coming, a new venture 772 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:18,560 coming your way. So please go over there. 773 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:22,080 We just want you to miss out. Again, this podcast is one 774 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:24,800 element. We want to be bringing resources 775 00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:28,040 and material to you and your relationships and your you as an 776 00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:31,080 individual to better strengthen your communication games. 777 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:33,240 So head on over. We're at Honey, we need to chat 778 00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:35,960 on all of those platforms. Click to follow and we'll see 779 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,960 you there. Alrighty last one, me 23 female 780 00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:42,160 and my husband 23 male are misunderstanding each other and 781 00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:44,200 I don't know how else to explain it to him. 782 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,440 Hi, obligatory disclaimer that this is my first ever post so 783 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,400 I'm sorry for any bad formatting which you won't see and I or 784 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:52,280 stumble through. My husband and I got into a 785 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:55,200 disagreement earlier this afternoon and escalated to the 786 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:58,080 point of him calling me toxic, so I'd like some advice on how 787 00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:00,040 to better express to him how I'm feeling. 788 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,640 Early this afternoon we bought home a heavy item that we had 789 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:04,680 just purchased and we were with my parents. 790 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:08,400 My dad was helping my husband Jay unload it when he opened my 791 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:10,239 door and told me to give him the keys. 792 00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:13,280 I asked him why he needed them and he took them from my hand, 793 00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:15,880 looked at me and then closed the car door again without saying 794 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:18,360 anything. This made me irritated but I let 795 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,360 it go when I got out of the car. Then later after we got 796 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,679 everything unloaded and my parents had left, he walked into 797 00:34:23,679 --> 00:34:25,560 the office where I was on my computer and said. 798 00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:28,000 I feel like you've been upset all day, are you OK? 799 00:34:28,159 --> 00:34:29,560 Is there something we need to talk about? 800 00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:32,320 This irritated me because I'd actually had a pretty good day 801 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,159 so far. I got to hang out with my 802 00:34:34,159 --> 00:34:36,120 parents and we just purchased something that we were both 803 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:38,360 excited about. I honestly can't remember what I 804 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,480 said but he did walk away after that so I just continued playing 805 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:43,360 my game. After a while I got up and went 806 00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:44,760 out to the garage to talk to him. 807 00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:47,280 His talk was a pretty standard disagreement for us but after 808 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,239 about 5 minutes I realised we were just going in circles so I 809 00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:52,880 went back inside. After around 30 minutes he comes 810 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:55,920 inside and sits down in front of my desk and said it's toxic that 811 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,240 you're getting upset with me for just trying to check on you. 812 00:34:58,240 --> 00:35:00,960 I kept trying to tell him that wasn't what was upsetting me and 813 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,280 that I just felt like he was telling me how I was feeling. 814 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:05,680 That the part I was mad about was that he said you've been 815 00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:08,160 upset all day when I very clearly hadn't been. 816 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:11,040 Later when I asked what instances I was upset he only 817 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:13,720 listed 3, two of which we'd already talked about, then got 818 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:16,880 upset and said I'm not going to memorise everything you do that 819 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,040 irritates me. Am I wrong to be upset by this? 820 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,520 It's a total vibe killer when someone says that to you. 821 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:24,600 It's like telling someone who's acting normal that they're angry 822 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:26,800 about something. Anyway, it's like he thinks I'm 823 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,880 somehow mad at him for asking me if I'm OK and that's just not 824 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,200 the case. He kept saying things like well 825 00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,360 what should I say to check up on you then? 826 00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:37,320 Or it's just toxic for you to be upset at me for trying to check 827 00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:38,680 on you. I really don't know what to do 828 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,520 here. He just left to go to the gym 829 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:42,160 and we'll probably be back in two hours. 830 00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:45,120 How do I de escalate the situation without invalidating 831 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:47,080 either of our feelings? Thanks in advance. 832 00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:49,080 Yes, straight away it's the assumption, right? 833 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:52,360 If this is an example of a very layered conversation where? 834 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:53,920 Yeah. It's like, where do you start 835 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:54,560 with it? Yeah. 836 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,160 Because it's now not a conversation about what was 837 00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:59,120 happening. It's a conversation about how it 838 00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:00,440 was said about what was happening. 839 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:03,120 And then it's a conversation about how it was said, about 840 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:04,560 what was said about what was happening. 841 00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:06,880 So you're actually ending up arguing about something that's 842 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:09,080 got nothing to do with the conversation. 843 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:11,800 Like the issue at hand. And this is common, like this 844 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:13,600 happens a lot. We find ourselves when we're 845 00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:15,840 having these clumsy conversations, having 846 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:19,200 disagreements or hurt or whatever because of how it came 847 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:21,560 out, not about what was trying to be communicated. 848 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:24,760 And so you missed the whole point and you end up looping 849 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,760 like she said, because you're both trying to like explain or 850 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:31,360 you're both trying to. Also we're not validate, but 851 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:33,080 you're trying to. You validate your point of. 852 00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:34,600 View. Validate your point of view or 853 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,520 validate your frustrations about how it was said. 854 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:39,560 Yeah. And, and like we, we've had 855 00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:42,200 those moments a lot, right? We've had those moments so many 856 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:45,360 times where we talk more about. So an issue comes up and then 857 00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:47,440 we're like, yeah, but you do that and you do this. 858 00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:49,200 And it's like, yeah, but you're saying this now and we're. 859 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:50,640 Just. Yeah. 860 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:55,360 And so we, we, we honestly just go, all right, we have gone way 861 00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:58,600 off topic, Let's stop. When we come back, it's usually 862 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:01,720 about, I think I started going off on a tangent because of 863 00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:04,200 this. Like I was feeling this and then 864 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:06,720 I got my guard up and that's where I think it needs to go. 865 00:37:06,720 --> 00:37:08,800 So it's not it's, it's like you're going to have those 866 00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:10,360 moments. We we have those moments. 867 00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,360 It's not about you don't have those moments. 868 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,880 And as a way to not have those moments, you have them. 869 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:17,360 But then it's like, well, how do you come back and repair that 870 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:18,640 afterwards? And that's what's really 871 00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,920 important. So first, well, where he's come 872 00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:23,120 here, it does. It comes across like he's 873 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,240 assuming this is what she's feeling. 874 00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:27,240 And another thing I was thinking of when you're speaking is when 875 00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:29,600 you always ask me if I'm OK. And we've talked about this 876 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:31,520 before, but you're like, you're like, are you, are you all 877 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:32,040 right? I'm like, yeah. 878 00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:33,640 And you're like, Are you sure you're all right? 879 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:37,160 I'm like, yes. And then now I'm frustrated 880 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:39,960 because you keep on asking me where, you know, now we've 881 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:42,840 started getting to a bit more of a habit because I I ask you too. 882 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:45,200 I'm like, are you OK? And then I go through my 883 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:46,480 different things. It's like, all right, there's 884 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:48,880 something going on. It could be that you, it could 885 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,360 be that you're upset about something, or it could be that 886 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,960 you're feeling low, or it could be that you're distracted, or it 887 00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:57,280 could, there's so many could be. And so rather than assuming what 888 00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:00,920 it is, it's that attitude of curiosity and saying like, are 889 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:03,520 you OK? You might say yes and I'll go, 890 00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:05,960 what are you feeling? And then you might be like, I 891 00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:07,640 don't know, or what are you thinking? 892 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:09,160 Oh, it's this or whatever, you know. 893 00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:13,880 So it's then I go through these different questions of asking to 894 00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:17,680 explore that rather than just jump to this is what the issue 895 00:38:17,720 --> 00:38:19,960 is because 90% of the time it's not that. 896 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:21,960 Yeah, what you would assume it is. 897 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:22,920 Yeah. Yeah, exactly. 898 00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:24,960 Assume assume. Yeah, we've been bullied on 899 00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:28,560 YouTube for this assume. It was that's so common because 900 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:32,000 I think a lot of the time when you feel something's off, you're 901 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:34,200 not incorrect. So a lot of the times when I'm 902 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:36,480 asking you over and over and over, are you OK, There is 903 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:39,080 actually something that you're stressed about or processing or 904 00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:42,480 you're like whatever, but you're not, it's not like, yeah, I'm 905 00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:44,360 frustrated about. It's not like a I'm ready to 906 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,160 have this conversation. It's kind of like when you're 907 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:47,680 trying to pop a zip and it's not ready. 908 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:49,600 It's not that's. A very great analogy. 909 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:53,120 Still tell that it's irritated and so and that's sort of it by. 910 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:56,640 But as the person that's like, especially because I have grown 911 00:38:56,640 --> 00:39:00,560 up hyper vigilant to like how people are feeling can pick up 912 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:02,600 on things. Sometimes they exist, sometimes 913 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:05,160 they don't. And it does really kind of sit 914 00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:07,080 there in my head and I build a story about it. 915 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:08,720 And so that's why I'll be like, are you OK? 916 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,280 Yeah. And then there's a whole story 917 00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:11,960 about what's happening or not happening. 918 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,680 But it is I like what you do, which is what you've just said. 919 00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:16,440 Like what are you feeling? What are you thinking? 920 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,040 Are you processing anything? Sometimes I don't even know that 921 00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:22,560 I'm processing though, like it's sort of at the back of my mind 922 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:24,560 and I'm still trying to figure out what's going on. 923 00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:26,720 So if you keep on asking me, I don't. 924 00:39:26,720 --> 00:39:29,040 I've got nothing to give you. Yeah, but I don't know what I 925 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:31,840 could communicate in that time. Sometimes I'm just like, look, 926 00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:33,640 I'm just waking up. I haven't had a coffee. 927 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:37,400 Like I'm, I'm just tired or like sometimes it's just genuine. 928 00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:39,960 I'm not bubbly, right? Like and that's, and that's 929 00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:42,760 solid and valid. A lot of times I come back and 930 00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:44,800 like, actually it's this. It's this. 931 00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:48,040 And now I've I've had that time. 99% of the time it's got nothing 932 00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:50,960 to do with me, it's usually work or like something. 933 00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:53,920 But I think one thing I have really, really tried to 934 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:56,960 implement recently is what I've said a couple times on here, 935 00:39:56,960 --> 00:40:01,080 which is taking your word for it and release my ownership of it. 936 00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:05,000 Because if someone's not OK, you can't make them OK. 937 00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:10,280 And if you're someone like me who has a history of trying to 938 00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,680 make them OK or trying to carry whatever, whatever that is for 939 00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:16,480 you, it can be a really like someone's not OK. 940 00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:18,800 You can tell something's off, they've said they're fine. 941 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,280 And then you're like, I don't know what to do. 942 00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:22,040 And it just really can throw you. 943 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:25,240 And so I've tried to practise recently just being like, if 944 00:40:25,240 --> 00:40:27,840 you've said you're OK, I need to trust it, You're OK. 945 00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:29,640 Like I've put it out there, I need to trust it. 946 00:40:29,720 --> 00:40:34,280 And release inside the need to get to the bottom of it or the 947 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:37,680 need to fix it for you not to. Then never bring it up again. 948 00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:40,160 Like you don't just float around with your partner noticing 949 00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:42,600 something's off and you never bring it up because they've said 950 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:45,000 they're OK one time. But just, you know, releasing 951 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,360 some of that, like obsessiveness of it or something. 952 00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:50,560 Because I can't, there's nothing I can do that's going to make 953 00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:54,280 you OK if you're not willing to tell me what's going on or 954 00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:56,080 you're not able to or whatever is happening to. 955 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,960 So instead of it becoming an obsessive thing, I'm trying hard 956 00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,200 to just be like, he said that he's OK so I'm just going to let 957 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:03,960 him either be OK or figure out that he's not and come and talk 958 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:05,600 to me when he's ready. Yeah, yeah. 959 00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:09,560 I think this is it's interesting because so she said she got 960 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,360 irritated. So the first instance is he I 961 00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,680 don't even understand really what this a lot of this story I 962 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:17,720 don't fully understand, but he opened the car door and asked 963 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:20,040 for the keys and she gave it to him and said what do you need 964 00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:21,560 them for? And he didn't say anything and 965 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:23,920 close the door on her again. And so I think and she was 966 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:25,880 irritated then, but she got over it. 967 00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:28,120 She said. So in my thinking, he's probably 968 00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:30,360 noticed a vibe there or he's just noticed that that 969 00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,680 interaction was off, or maybe he was already in a mood because he 970 00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:35,680 didn't say anything. So maybe there's a few things 971 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:38,280 that were happening for him, a story playing out for him. 972 00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:40,840 So when he comes and says, I feel like you've been off or I 973 00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,080 feel like you've been mad at me all day, he's got this. 974 00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:44,680 He's probably got a context for that. 975 00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:46,600 He's probably got something he's built it from. 976 00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:49,880 And so then, but instead she's reacting like, I don't want to 977 00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:52,120 be told how I'm feeling, like I don't want to be. 978 00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:55,160 I don't want you to just assume what I'm feeling and then put it 979 00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:57,360 on me. And that's irritated her. 980 00:41:57,360 --> 00:41:59,360 And like we talked about in the first story, I feel like there's 981 00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,360 more triggers happening here. I wonder patterns or something. 982 00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:06,080 Yeah, I was gonna say because we only get like a like a small 983 00:42:06,080 --> 00:42:08,600 snippet of these conversations. And I wonder if this is an 984 00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:11,200 ongoing thing, right? Like, and now it's sort of blown 985 00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:13,600 up and she's like, all right, go, go, go Reddit and talk about 986 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,240 this one scenario. I'm like, I don't actually think 987 00:42:16,240 --> 00:42:17,800 it's a one scenario. No, not at all. 988 00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:19,720 I definitely can see this being a pattern. 989 00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:22,480 Maybe this is how they navigate conflict and maybe she actually 990 00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:25,320 was more frustrated. So some people navigate conflict 991 00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:28,840 by getting really frustrated and, and they shoo on things and 992 00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:30,800 they just like stick there and it gets stuck in their head. 993 00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,680 Some people I think almost go the opposite and they try to 994 00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:36,760 push it away and push it away. And so if she's feeling a weird 995 00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:38,680 vibe and then she's like, but I got over it because I got to 996 00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:40,680 spend time with my parents and then I was playing my game. 997 00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:43,880 Then maybe she's also not super aware of what like she might be 998 00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:47,920 pushing away some of the the off vibe that's going on there as 999 00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:49,720 well. So both of them are missing each 1000 00:42:49,720 --> 00:42:51,960 other basically as a point. And then she's gone out and had 1001 00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:53,400 this conversation with him again. 1002 00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,840 She also kept playing her game after he came and talked to her 1003 00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:57,320 too. So I feel like there's a couple 1004 00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:00,560 things in there. I can see how these situations 1005 00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,200 could be twisted in each other's minds. 1006 00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:06,880 These situations are open to miscommunication through tone or 1007 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:09,920 miscommunication through losing track of what you're even 1008 00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:13,120 talking about and then ending up in this complicated knot where 1009 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:14,840 you're like, I don't even know how we got here. 1010 00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:17,440 And like you said, that's where we've practised just being like, 1011 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:19,600 all right, I think I don't know how we got here. 1012 00:43:19,840 --> 00:43:23,320 I think I was just, I'm tired and this is what happened or I 1013 00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:26,480 noticed you were off and I, I, to me, it just felt like you 1014 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:27,760 were getting mad at me for no reason. 1015 00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:30,560 You wouldn't tell me what it was like coming back to the core of 1016 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:33,920 what's happening for you. And it kind of, it doesn't make 1017 00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,120 everything else OK, but it does. I'm not some of those 1018 00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:39,720 complicated parts that sometimes follow. 1019 00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:44,480 Oh, the joys of communicata. So a couple of repair points, 1020 00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:46,680 like we just said, I'm not some of those things get back to the 1021 00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:48,960 core of it. Instead of him coming in, if she 1022 00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,400 really doesn't like being told what she's feeling, he could 1023 00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:53,600 learn that she doesn't. That's something that's not 1024 00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:56,040 helpful for her. And so instead of saying you've 1025 00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:59,360 been mad at me all day, ask the question. 1026 00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:01,600 Ask the question and say I've I'm picking up something not 1027 00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:02,480 right. Are you OK? 1028 00:44:02,720 --> 00:44:04,320 Yeah. Is there something off? 1029 00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,320 And then again, learning to trust. 1030 00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:08,000 If she says no, everything is fine. 1031 00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:11,600 Trust that. And then she might also then be 1032 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:14,840 able to have to, to recognise when he's trying to pick up if 1033 00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:16,480 something's off. She could say, I know you're 1034 00:44:16,480 --> 00:44:20,360 trying to check in, but that way you've said it has thrown me. 1035 00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:22,880 So I know you're trying to check in with me. 1036 00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:24,760 And I love that. It's just that something about 1037 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:28,280 how you went about it has really triggered me recognising her own 1038 00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:32,720 reaction there and then creating sort of that like safe check in. 1039 00:44:32,720 --> 00:44:34,880 That does work for them, whatever that might be. 1040 00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:36,840 But for us, it's like, what are you thinking about? 1041 00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:38,480 What are you feeling? Those kinds of things. 1042 00:44:38,720 --> 00:44:41,160 Another example is how, how's your inside world? 1043 00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:42,560 Like how's your inner world going? 1044 00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:45,280 What's happening for you? Whatever works for them that 1045 00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:47,240 doesn't trigger them or make them frustrated. 1046 00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:49,280 Unpicking some of that and just getting back to the core. 1047 00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:51,040 They're also young, young, married. 1048 00:44:51,040 --> 00:44:53,680 So they're they're probably still just learning what even 1049 00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:54,560 for themselves. I. 1050 00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:58,600 Was gonna say that a big part of, of this is, is understanding 1051 00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:01,440 ourselves too, is if the more we understand ourselves, the more 1052 00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:02,880 we can communicate our needs. Yeah. 1053 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:05,200 And that's a big part of it. That's a big part of going, you 1054 00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:08,120 know, growing in a relationship is, you know what you need, but 1055 00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:10,280 you know what the other person needs and you grow together. 1056 00:45:10,360 --> 00:45:11,640 Yeah. It's a commitment to that 1057 00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:13,520 growth. All right, well, this is some 1058 00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:15,240 Reddit stories on clumsy conversations. 1059 00:45:15,240 --> 00:45:17,840 Thanks for joining us, guys. Some ways to repair. 1060 00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:19,880 Everybody has them in different ways. 1061 00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:22,440 Everybody has these clumsy conversations, so it's nice to 1062 00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:25,240 see some real life examples. Thank you again for being here. 1063 00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:26,960 We've really appreciated your support. 1064 00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:29,320 Really excited to welcome the new people. 1065 00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:30,240 Yeah, so. Many. 1066 00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:31,400 Love. It welcome. 1067 00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:34,320 Love it and continue to join us. We would love that. 1068 00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:36,440 And make sure you're following us on the platforms because 1069 00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:39,400 we've got some exciting stuff. Yeah, All right. 1070 00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:40,480 Thanks guys. Good chat.