1
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:15,800
How you act when no one's 
watching maybe the biggest test 

2
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,200
in your relationship. 
And the truth is accountability 

3
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:22,160
is one of the most important, 
least talked about foundations 

4
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:25,320
in a successful relationship. 
Today, we're unpacking what 

5
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:29,000
breaks down when you don't own 
your own stuff and what happens 

6
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,680
when you eventually do so. 
Welcome back to another episode 

7
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:32,880
of Honey. 
We Need to Chat. 

8
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,560
If you're new here, my name is 
Blair. 

9
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,160
This is my wife, Amy. 
Hello. 

10
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,680
And we do this podcast. 
This is what we do. 

11
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,120
We believe that when 
communication dies, bad things 

12
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,840
happen. 
So this podcast is all about, 

13
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,080
that's highlighting the 
importance of communication in a

14
00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:47,920
relationship. 
So our mission, our hope is to 

15
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,480
bring hope into relationships. 
So we're so thankful that you're

16
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,440
here while you're here. 
If this is the only thing that 

17
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,280
you know about is our podcast, 
well then you only know a little

18
00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,600
bit about what we do. 
We actually have a YouTube 

19
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,360
channel as well. 
We've got so much stuff on there

20
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,519
and more stuff coming as well. 
So if you haven't gone over 

21
00:01:05,519 --> 00:01:09,200
there yet, head over there now, 
subscribe, get that bell 

22
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,120
notification as well because 
every time we come out with new 

23
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:14,640
content, you're gonna get 
notified for it and some really 

24
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,400
solid stuff coming your way. 
Amy's got some coaching stuff 

25
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,440
coming out there. 
I've got some more of my 

26
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,240
personal stuff that I'm packing 
there as well. 

27
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,360
When normal people that go 
through normal struggles. 

28
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,760
And So what you're struggling 
with isn't unique to you. 

29
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,840
There's many other people out 
there too. 

30
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,160
So we want to build that 
community, share those stories 

31
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,640
and go on that journey together.
Yes. 

32
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:36,200
So today, as we mentioned, we 
are talking about accountability

33
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,920
in relationships, and I wonder 
what you think about when you 

34
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,760
hear accountability. 
It could be that you're saying 

35
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,360
sorry. 
It could be that you're owning 

36
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,600
your own stuff. 
It could be about not breaking 

37
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,320
trust. 
I don't know what comes to mind 

38
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,800
for you when you hear it, but 
it's probably not flashy and 

39
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,200
probably doesn't sound exciting.
But as basic as accountability 

40
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,200
might feel, it's also one of the
most important foundational 

41
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,280
things that build strength 
within a relationship. 

42
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,800
And if you're anything like us, 
you've probably learned the hard

43
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,520
way that there's a huge 
difference between saying sorry 

44
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,200
and actually taking ownership of
your own stuff within a 

45
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,800
relationship. 
I want to paint a little picture

46
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,840
to explain why this is so 
important and so foundational 

47
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,640
for so many couples. 
So in a relationship without 

48
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,440
accountability, you might have 
one partner that says they'll do

49
00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:20,120
something, change something or 
be something, and then they 

50
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,440
don't do that. 
Then the other partner will feel

51
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,720
let down. 
Potentially they say they stay 

52
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,480
quiet, they keep the peace, or 
they take it into their own 

53
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,280
hands and own it. 
Instead, the conversations start

54
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,120
to become guarded and avoidant. 
Tension builds. 

55
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,040
One person keeps mental tabs on 
every broken promise. 

56
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:40,280
The other avoids ignoring, 
justifies, dismisses, or 

57
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,360
pretends not to notice the 
things that they're not 

58
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,880
following through on. 
Relationships start to become 

59
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,320
walking on egg shells instead of
comfortable and safe. 

60
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,360
The trust is broken and 
emotional safety disappears and 

61
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,120
connection disappears. 
So that's what you can see 

62
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,800
playing out on a big scale when 
you're in a relationship without

63
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,520
accountability. 
The opposite of that is in a 

64
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:01,960
relationship with 
accountability. 

65
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,360
So someone says they're going to
do something, be something or 

66
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,800
change something. 
They do it or they miss the 

67
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,320
mark, but they immediately own 
up to it. 

68
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:13,680
One person catches themselves 
withdrawing or spiralling and 

69
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,920
they openly name it and 
constructively address it with 

70
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,640
their partner, saying, hey, I've
been feeling off. 

71
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,640
Your partner doesn't have to 
track you or follow through for 

72
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,520
you because you're owning your 
own stuff. 

73
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,440
You feel a sense of pride and 
ownership in your relationship 

74
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,360
and in the way that you're 
showing up in your family. 

75
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,720
Conflict will still happen 
because that's normal in 

76
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,160
relationships, but you're quick 
to repair and you're 

77
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:36,720
constructive in your repairs. 
And honesty becomes a culture in

78
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:40,320
which you both feel emotionally 
safe and overtime, the trust 

79
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,240
actually deepens. 
So as you can see, 

80
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:46,360
accountability, now, it's not a 
very exciting word, is really 

81
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,760
foundational for how a 
relationship progresses and for 

82
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,960
the future and the success of a 
relationship. 

83
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:56,760
When you say accountability, my 
mind goes to the word seen like 

84
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,920
I'm seen, so I can't hideaway in
the things that I'm actually 

85
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,560
doing. 
So when you were talking through

86
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,520
those sorts of things there 
about what it looks like when 

87
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,080
you have accountability in a 
relationship, well, there's been

88
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,680
different seasons where I've 
experienced all of the things, 

89
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,880
like the opposites of all the 
things that you just mentioned. 

90
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,960
It's like I've gone through 
different season. 

91
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,240
So it's not like you just 
experience one thing. 

92
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:20,360
You experience different things 
in different situations and 

93
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,760
different stages of life and 
different processes. 

94
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,760
So we've really had to work on 
this. 

95
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,400
And one thing that stands out to
me too. 

96
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:30,400
So seen right that that word 
just stands out to me where you 

97
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,400
and I are discussing something 
at the moment, nothing heavy, 

98
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:33,760
but this is something at the 
moment. 

99
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,680
And I keep saying to you, I just
feel really uneasy about that. 

100
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,080
And your aunt like you and you 
asked me, which is good is why 

101
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,240
do I feel uneasy now? 
I know before I could have just 

102
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,680
got really impatient with that, 
that question about I just, I 

103
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,560
just am, I'm just uneasy. 
But now, you know, because we've

104
00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:53,000
worked on this for, for years 
now, I'm like, all right, cool. 

105
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,520
Why am I actually uneasy? 
So I've got that attitude of 

106
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,840
curiosity towards my own 
response and I don't have an 

107
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,480
answer yet. 
And that's my answer. 

108
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,640
And and that's what I'm and my 
answer is I'm unpacking that 

109
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:08,400
that with that now we now you 
have that insight to my 

110
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,840
situation. 
Now I could use so much more 

111
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,360
with understanding my response. 
Yeah, absolutely. 

112
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,360
It's not a finish here, it's a 
commitment to keep on unpacking 

113
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:17,880
that. 
That's this is what the word 

114
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,920
scene means, because I can just 
sit there and go and aspire or I

115
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:24,680
can do my thing and there's no 
accountability in my process. 

116
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,920
But with you asking me that 
accountability to you now we're 

117
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:31,240
both equipped and and and 
stronger in that. 

118
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:34,280
Situation I really like that 
that's a really good I guess not

119
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,840
definition but like what comes 
to mind for you when you hear it

120
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,280
because I haven't thought of it 
that way before and it's really 

121
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:43,000
easy for these examples to sound
like closed like like this is 

122
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,840
what it is with it this is what 
it is without it. 

123
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,640
That's obviously these are 
examples painting the picture of

124
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:51,320
why it's important because this 
is a lot of these things we talk

125
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,440
about on the podcast are slow 
burns or they're slow slippery 

126
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,360
slopes that you fall down or you
find yourself in a rut in. 

127
00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,640
And it doesn't mean, Oh no, 
we're on the slippery slope. 

128
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:02,720
We never come back up. 
It's just that every little 

129
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,760
thing that we don't address is 
what leads us in the grand 

130
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,320
scheme of things further and 
further apart when they're 

131
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,400
unaddressed. 
So like, don't these examples 

132
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,560
don't hold onto them like, oh, 
this is what it looks like. 

133
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,480
This is what it is. 
This is just to paint the 

134
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:21,800
picture and help us think 
forward on why is it important 

135
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,480
Because right now where we're 
standing might not feel as 

136
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,160
important, might not feel as 
pressing, and a lot of stuff 

137
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,480
doesn't until you're down the 
track where you see the the 

138
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,840
bigger picture of it. 
But I love that scene idea and 

139
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,600
that kind of plays into some of 
the focus of why accountability 

140
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,720
is so important and what that 
looks like in practise. 

141
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,680
So you've preempted. 
Good job, babe. 

142
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,680
So when I was trying to work on 
this as well, I found it really 

143
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:48,280
hard because accountability, 
there's a definition and I'm 

144
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,240
going to read it because I just 
got it from the dictionary. 

145
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,920
It, it was hard to grasp what it
looks like. 

146
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,440
And we're going to unpack that. 
It's hard to grasp what it means

147
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,400
to people. 
And it's probably more of like 

148
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,400
a, a vibe that we're just going 
to vibe out a little bit. 

149
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:05,320
But the definition from the 
Merriam Webster dictionary is an

150
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,920
obligation or willingness to 
accept responsibility or to 

151
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:12,840
account for one's actions. 
So in a relationship, this means

152
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:16,400
owning your impact in the 
relationship, owning how you 

153
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,240
affect your family members, 
owning how you affect the 

154
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,480
routines and success and 
productivity of your family, of 

155
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,040
yourself within this 
relationship, how you're showing

156
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,280
up, you're constructive or 
destructive behaviours or 

157
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,920
habits, not relying on your 
partner to own those for you. 

158
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,160
So it's really about this 
ownership piece, ownership in 

159
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:37,080
the following through and 
ownership in your mistakes as 

160
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,520
well, following through on what 
you say you would do be or 

161
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,040
change emotionally, practically 
or spiritually. 

162
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:47,280
So accountability is it's also 
really closely tied into 

163
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,840
integrity. 
You're owning the things you've 

164
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,480
committed to and showing up in 
that way in a way that you've 

165
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,720
committed to. 
You're naming your mistakes or 

166
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,800
your missteps without needing to
be caught or cornered or chased 

167
00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:59,760
down. 
So you're not waiting to be 

168
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,960
caught in order for the 
ownership of this to take place.

169
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,840
It's not like only when I'm seen
will I be accountable. 

170
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,160
It's that accountability is 
taking that on regardless. 

171
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,200
You are owning that from the 
beginning if you're succeeding 

172
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,880
or if you're finding yourself 
missing steps. 

173
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:20,560
It's also about saying and being
sorry and saying and being the 

174
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,880
sole owner of your actions and 
your commitments. 

175
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,880
So it's not just saying sorry 
that's really important. 

176
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,840
It's not just saying those 
things. 

177
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,080
It's actually about being sorry.
Yeah, and you see that a lot, 

178
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,600
right? 
Like so actions, a lot of them 

179
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,080
words a lot of the time, you 
know, And we've all had those 

180
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:39,640
moments where you hear something
someone will say the thing that 

181
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,760
comes to mind sort of Wayne, if 
you're watching this. 

182
00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:43,520
Yeah, yeah. 
Is Fred Joey on friends. 

183
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,400
We like. 
I'm sorry with quotation Mark's 

184
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,040
hands and. 
He doesn't know what he's doing,

185
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,920
but. 
You see that a lot and you would

186
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,120
have these different experiences
where it's like, all right, 

187
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,440
someone's promised something, 
they're not going to do that 

188
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,280
again. 
All right, things will change 

189
00:08:58,280 --> 00:08:59,720
now. 
Things will be different now. 

190
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,040
But the actions say otherwise, 
right? 

191
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,520
So action is a big part of that.
So again, good intentions and 

192
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,320
that's where it's like said to 
you, you know, there's been 

193
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,400
things that I feel like I've 
been working on for years, 

194
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:12,840
right? 
And we work through it. 

195
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,480
We have a conversation and it's 
not saying that like you say 

196
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,240
something and then oh, you can 
never make a mistake again. 

197
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,000
It's not saying that. 
What it is though, is me owning 

198
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,680
my situation. 
So, you know, we've talked a lot

199
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:28,000
about my mental health struggles
and you shared some of the pain 

200
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,200
that's caused you. 
It's not now that I can be like,

201
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,600
cool, all right, I'll never have
mental health struggles ever 

202
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,440
again. 
It's not saying that at all, but

203
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,720
it's still owning and being 
responsible for what I'm doing. 

204
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,280
This is my struggle. 
So how am I supporting you with 

205
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,520
the thing that I'm doing as 
well? 

206
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,280
So that I think that's a big 
part to take into consideration.

207
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,240
If you don't want to be the 
person that says stuff, but 

208
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,240
don't, don't put words into 
action. 

209
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:51,200
But also when you've got these 
circumstances that keep 

210
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,880
happening, it's owning your 
situation and the impact that it

211
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,960
can have on others. 
And how are you helping others 

212
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,200
as well through that? 
Yeah, yeah. 

213
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,240
That's why it was so hard to 
define, like to explain when I 

214
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,200
was working on it, because it's 
it's, it's such a varied 

215
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,680
behaviour or whatever you want 
to call attitude. 

216
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,200
And it changes. 
It's not stagnant, it's not 

217
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,160
static like that. 
But I was thinking when you were

218
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,600
talking about the I'm sorry 
thing with our kids, like a lot 

219
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,840
of the time when they hurt each 
other or they're frustrated or 

220
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,880
whatever, and we ask them to say
sorry, they'll say sorry. 

221
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,840
And you know that they're not 
like, they're just like sorry. 

222
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,200
And it's like there's no action.
They're doing it because they've

223
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,600
been told. 
To say sorry and they'll do it 

224
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,080
500 the times like they'll still
get too intense in someone's 

225
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,240
face or they'll still like steal
the thing and their. 

226
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,600
Response back and from their 
point is like so genuine it was 

227
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,720
an accident they accidentally 
jumped on their head for the 

228
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,760
fifth time it's like all right 
man that's fine when you keep 

229
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,520
making the same accident though 
like you know there's. 

230
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,720
A pattern, they say. 
A lot of the time I didn't mean 

231
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,280
to. 
And I've now started to say, but

232
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,880
you need to mean not to. 
Yeah. 

233
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,120
And I think that's really 
important. 

234
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,280
It's like, I didn't mean to do 
that. 

235
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,560
Yeah, but you need to be meaning
to to not do it. 

236
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,520
So it's not about just floating 
through life and then it whoops,

237
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,760
whoops. 
It's like, OK, what might be 

238
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,240
whoops. 
And I'm going to mean not to do 

239
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:01,640
that. 
Yeah. 

240
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,880
Yeah. 
Anyway, so that's the kids are a

241
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,280
really good case study for this 
stuff. 

242
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,880
Well, it's so funny though, 
because it's like, you see how 

243
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:12,360
these patterns can actually be 
carried on to adult life, right?

244
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,280
You see the these actions that 
our kids are doing, It's like, 

245
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,120
man, I see adults do that. 
And now it's not as you know, 

246
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,440
it's not as like cute when 
adults do it. 

247
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:24,200
Obviously it's very irritating 
when kids do it too, but you see

248
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,920
that there's this time in our 
lives where we've got to be 

249
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,280
accountable for our actions. 
It's like, all right, cool 

250
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,920
habits are habits, so you're 
going to break those habits, and

251
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,000
now we need to own that process 
of breaking those. 

252
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:38,520
Habits, yeah, 100%. 
And you can see how it plays 

253
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:39,680
out. 
And until it's really 

254
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:43,760
challenged, until there's some 
blatant like embarrassing or 

255
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:47,640
obvious moment, some people 
really struggle to grasp this 

256
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,720
and take it on board. 
So in real life, this is what it

257
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,560
looks like, what accountability 
looks like. 

258
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:55,240
In real life, it looks like 
stepping up or stepping forward 

259
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,840
before and being willing before 
needing to be chased. 

260
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,040
So meaning you are either 
stepping up. 

261
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:02,360
So we're thinking mental load, 
right? 

262
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,800
Like we talk about mental load a
lot, stepping up before you need

263
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:08,160
to be chased, owning your thing 
before you're needing to be 

264
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:11,160
chased and nagged and whatever, 
being willing before you need to

265
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,000
be chased. 
So it's not a matter of like, if

266
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,800
they ask me, I'll do it, but I 
just can't be bothered. 

267
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,040
And I know so many people whose 
partners say, if you want me to 

268
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:20,960
do something, tell me. 
And I understand that. 

269
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,840
Like, I get it, but also like 
own it. 

270
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,680
And that's why the mental load 
conversation's important because

271
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,600
we're now bringing this to the 
table. 

272
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,080
And then when it's on the table,
everyone can own it. 

273
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,560
And I want to say as well, 
actually, before we dive too far

274
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,440
and we have this, this practise 
or whatever you want to call it,

275
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:39,040
where we will say it's until I 
communicate it, it is my 

276
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,720
problem. 
So if I've got a problem, it's 

277
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,000
my problem until I communicate 
it with Blair. 

278
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,880
And once I've communicated it 
with him, then it's our problem 

279
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,640
or his problem, depending on 
what it is. 

280
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,120
Once I've made it clear that 
this is really upsetting me or 

281
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,640
this is whatever, then we can 
own it together until I've been 

282
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,680
willing to, to share that. 
And I'll dive into this as a, as

283
00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,320
a part of accountability too. 
I can't really expect that he's 

284
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,200
just going to know that's what I
or needing or whatever. 

285
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,080
The flip side of that is also 
true. 

286
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,280
You would hope to be a partner 
that is proactively searching 

287
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:13,120
out how to be a constructive and
mature and accountable partner 

288
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,200
in your relationship. 
So you're stepping forward 

289
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,520
before you're needing to be 
nagged. 

290
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,000
But it doesn't take off the 
responsibility of you still need

291
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,880
to have clear communication 
about those things. 

292
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,640
So you're stepping forward and 
being willing before you need to

293
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,920
be chased. 
You're not just waiting till 

294
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,360
someone catches you out. 
You're not needing your partner 

295
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,680
to constantly point things out 
that you should be noticing 

296
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,720
yourself. 
You're sharing honestly about 

297
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,840
what's going on for you, even if
it's uncomfortable and even if 

298
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,520
you're unsure how your partner 
will respond. 

299
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,280
And this is totally avoidance, 
passive aggressivity, a bunch of

300
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,240
different conversations we've 
had and definitely something 

301
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,920
that I struggle with and sort of
what I just said. 

302
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:51,080
Like if if I've got something 
I'm navigating that I need to 

303
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:54,600
express clearly, it is my 
responsibility and my 

304
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,880
accountability to communicate 
that clearly. 

305
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,560
It doesn't take the ownership 
off whatever behaviour might be 

306
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:02,800
going on from my partners end, 
but it is my responsibility to 

307
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,320
communicate that clearly. 
And that is regardless of how 

308
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:09,000
uncomfortable it feels, and it's
regardless of how I think 

309
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,720
they're going to react. 
I don't own their reaction. 

310
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,040
Accountability is all about 
owning your stuff. 

311
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,760
You own your responsibility to 
bring something to the table if 

312
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,320
it needs to be brought to the 
table in a gentle and caring and

313
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,080
loving way, like we've spoken 
about on the show before. 

314
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,640
But that has to be regardless 
for how uncomfortable it is or 

315
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,640
how I think you're going to take
it, because I'm not responsible 

316
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,640
for that element. 
Living in a way that prevents 

317
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,520
harm, not just apologising after
harm. 

318
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:38,440
This is what we said with the 
kids, like living meaning not to

319
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,840
rather than just not meaning to.
Having grace for yourself to 

320
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:45,200
learn change and be humble, 
which also means not spiralling 

321
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,160
into a shame cycle that keeps 
you quiet, avoidant and 

322
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,640
repeating destructive 
behaviours. 

323
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:53,840
And I wanted to include this 
because so often we, we have a 

324
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,960
victim mentality that we can 
fall into. 

325
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,120
And sometimes that's victim 
mentality to things outside of 

326
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:02,240
us that have been done to us and
we can't get out of it, which is

327
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:05,720
a trap because you, again, you 
have to own your own power and 

328
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,680
own your own actions that you 
can do in that. 

329
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,760
But also sometimes we have a 
victim mentality of like, oh, 

330
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,280
woe is me, look how bad I am. 
I'm so bad. 

331
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,120
I'm so bad at this thing. 
I'm not good at this thing. 

332
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,320
I can't get on top of this 
thing. 

333
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,880
And you spiral into a shame 
cycle and shame just keeps you, 

334
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:24,040
you trapped. 
So having grace for yourself is 

335
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,400
also part of accountability. 
Having grace for yourself to 

336
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:30,040
change and learn so that you 
don't end up trapping yourself 

337
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,840
in a cycle where you lose all 
accountability altogether 

338
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,760
because you're oh I'm so bad at 
this thing. 

339
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,320
That's also part of 
accountability. 

340
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:40,080
Not digging yourself a a hole 
just because you've failed. 

341
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,480
And that's never constructive 
for moving forward. 

342
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,680
It just helps you repeat the 
destructive behaviours that 

343
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,840
you've already been repeating. 
And the last one I've got here 

344
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:51,360
is committing to live in the way
you've agreed to together and 

345
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,680
honouring your partner and 
yourself in your thoughts, your 

346
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:57,160
decisions and your behaviours. 
So this is probably the hot 

347
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,240
topic part of this, which is 
things like lust, bitterness, 

348
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,720
contempt. 
And I've got a note that I put 

349
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,840
down here because I think it's a
good example. 

350
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,080
If you have an affair in a 
relationship, people don't just 

351
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,440
suddenly turn around and cheat 
on their part. 

352
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:11,320
That's what. 
Happened. 

353
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,920
It was you have to mean not to. 
It's something that starts 

354
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:20,640
slowly and I personally really 
believe that that starts with 

355
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,760
what you're allowing going on 
inside your inside your mind. 

356
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,360
And that's why we've got really 
intentional boundaries that 

357
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,720
we've put in place as a relate 
as a couple together around 

358
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:34,360
things like lust or how we 
navigate opposite gender 

359
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:38,440
interactions and that sort of 
stuff, not because we're so out 

360
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:39,840
of control they're. 
Insecure. 

361
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,680
So insecure it's because we know
that every little thing that you

362
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,240
allow in there and every little 
thing that you allow to fester 

363
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,000
or sit in your brain, it's not 
all related to elastic. 

364
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,640
It's really just so many things,
but this is just a good example 

365
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:55,440
of it either helps move you 
forward in a constructive way or

366
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,720
start to make you breakdown in a
deconstructive way. 

367
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,400
The way that I look at it is 
like, oh, I'm really scared that

368
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,760
Amy's gonna have an affair. 
It's not like that at all. 

369
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,280
It's more about we're just being
proactive and putting these 

370
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,319
things in place. 
That's just not even a thought. 

371
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,880
So it's just that we're being 
intentional with that process 

372
00:17:11,079 --> 00:17:14,160
rather than just being like, Oh 
no, that will never happen and 

373
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,359
they don't need to worry about 
it. 

374
00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:17,880
Yeah, it's like, well, no, 
that's a, it's a value of ours 

375
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,560
and not cheat on each other. 
Yeah. 

376
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,839
Like it's a commitment of ours 
to honour each other and the way

377
00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:25,359
that we view or speak about or 
any of that. 

378
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,319
So we're just intentional with 
it. 

379
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,440
And, and I think it's most 
people's value to not cheat on 

380
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,880
each other, but that's what I 
mean, when these things are, 

381
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,640
they're not usually clear cut. 
They're little subtle things. 

382
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:40,280
And so people that, you know, 
have an affair usually, and I'm 

383
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,360
not going to try and be creative
in my brain because I just don't

384
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:43,440
want to think about it that 
much. 

385
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,720
But usually it's a little thing 
that they probably would not 

386
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:51,200
have even identified as being 
inappropriate or unhelpful. 

387
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:55,080
It's probably just a little, you
know, emotional openness to 

388
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:58,120
something that that starts to be
then more openness and then more

389
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,480
openness. 
And then it just ends up further

390
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,280
than they would have ever 
thought it was going to be 

391
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:03,640
because of all these little 
moments. 

392
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,920
And so we've set that boundary 
way further back then Probably 

393
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,320
most people think it's 
necessary, but that's what feels

394
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,240
safe to us. 
And it makes us feel safe about 

395
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,040
each other. 
Yeah. 

396
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,800
And it makes us feel safe about 
ourselves. 

397
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,560
I find it really helpful to have
that for myself, to just 

398
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,880
knowing, oh, that's a boundary. 
And when I, every time I stick 

399
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,640
to it, I'm like, that's great. 
Yeah, and that's the 

400
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,240
accountability side too though, 
right? 

401
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,080
Like it's, it's again, it's not 
I have a place of insecurity. 

402
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,040
It's about of a place of 
intentionality. 

403
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:30,680
Yeah. 
It's like, you know, like 

404
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,080
there's moments where we've both
done for each other is like 

405
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,480
actually that's that's pushing 
the boundaries of what we've put

406
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,240
in place. 
And we discussed that. 

407
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,960
It's not just a flat out, no, 
not happening. 

408
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,840
It's none of that. 
It's like, hey, OK, that's it's 

409
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:42,960
cool. 
But these are the things that we

410
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,720
value, you know, and then we we 
navigate through that together. 

411
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:49,400
So it's giving us the permission
to speak into situations is 

412
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,640
putting things in place where, 
you know, we can't guard stuff 

413
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,360
because that's when we're 
guarded. 

414
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,480
We're not accountable. 
We we put those barriers up, but

415
00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,080
we don't let each other in and 
we're just putting things in 

416
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,800
place to keep allowing each 
other to speak into those 

417
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,840
different things. 
And like we said in the last 

418
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,320
episode about future proofing, 
future proofing love is not 

419
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,160
rigid and static. 
So the other part of all of this

420
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,200
is you don't set a rule and then
that rule is so rigid that it's 

421
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,680
there's actually fragile in its 
different way. 

422
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:21,000
It's a flexible culture that 
we're building so that we 

423
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,320
address things because these 
kinds of boundaries we've got in

424
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,680
place. 
Every situation is so, so vague.

425
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,640
It's not black and white. 
The black and white ones are 

426
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,560
usually the ones you don't have 
to worry about so much because 

427
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,280
it's so obvious that that's 
inappropriate. 

428
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:36,480
It's the vague kind of moments 
where it's like, oh, I don't 

429
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:37,600
know, I don't know. 
And that's where the 

430
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,240
conversation comes in. 
But because we've had those 

431
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:43,320
conversations, we know what to 
look out for. 

432
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,400
And so we've got these little 
feelers out there, and instead 

433
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,720
of us not having those and then 
winning ourselves in a much more

434
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,560
complicated situation. 
We've just seen so many 

435
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,960
relationships around us fall to 
affairs as well, and we don't. 

436
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,960
It's just like, cool, well, what
are we actively doing to what 

437
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,720
are? 
We doing to mean not to. 

438
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,080
Yeah, exactly. 
Yeah. 

439
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,720
And like I said, this is not 
just about lust or affairs or 

440
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,480
infidelity. 
You can play this out for the 

441
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,040
things that feel really not that
big of a deal, like contempt. 

442
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,200
That's a huge one. 
And the government and for 

443
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,480
horsemen talk about how that is 
the most damaging red flag for a

444
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,960
relationship. 
And that's something that starts

445
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,640
small too. 
That's little bits of 

446
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,960
bitterness, little bits of 
passive aggressivity, little 

447
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,320
bits of like and. 
Not being addressed, not just 

448
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,360
just. 
Holding all that stuff, it's the

449
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,800
same stuff. 
So you you have these little 

450
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,920
things that you put in there as 
red flags or marker points or 

451
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,800
whatever you want to call it to,
to signal to each other. 

452
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,400
You need to address this and 
then you address it together. 

453
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,440
Yeah, yeah. 
So that's what it looks like in 

454
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,920
real life. 
That's what accountability can 

455
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,040
look like in real life in a 
relationship. 

456
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,680
Some of the key principles for 
what accountability is, is 

457
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,720
accountability is not about 
blame. 

458
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,360
It's about integrity and 
strength in your relationship. 

459
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:58,080
So it's not to be a blame game. 
And as much as there is the 

460
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,120
element of ownership, like we 
said before, it's not a blaming,

461
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,680
shaming thing. 
It's trying to, it's trying to 

462
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,880
reinforce your relationship and 
it's about integrity and 

463
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,600
strength. 
So it's a positive thing. 

464
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,400
When it becomes a blaming kind 
of thing and this like shame 

465
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:15,120
culture, then it then actually 
starts to do the opposite to 

466
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,680
what you want it to do. 
Accountability builds emotional 

467
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,400
safety through being 
predictable, consistent, 

468
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,360
constructive, having honest 
rhythms and behaviours. 

469
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:26,680
And that's really important. 
The emotional safety and the 

470
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,480
emotional predictability is 
something that is built over 

471
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,520
time and it's only something 
that is built through action. 

472
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,600
Like we said before, doesn't 
matter what you say, it doesn't 

473
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,800
matter what you say if your 
actions aren't reinforcing it. 

474
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,760
You can't build this. 
And it's so important for the 

475
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,920
strength of your relationship to
have that predictability and 

476
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:47,680
that safety in order for you to 
feel like you can build and move

477
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,200
forward. 
And I think there have been 

478
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,480
times where there's been a lack 
of predictability to like your 

479
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,520
burnout, there was a lack of 
predictability that was around 

480
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,440
your emotional regulation and 
then my emotional regulation and

481
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,080
the emotional regulation of our 
family. 

482
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,360
And there will be times where 
it's difficult like that. 

483
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:08,000
But our focus was getting back 
to that safety space. 

484
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,640
And if we hadn't, I don't know 
how you have a healthy 

485
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,320
relationship. 
Like how do you when you can't 

486
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,000
predict or feel safe around your
partner? 

487
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,640
How do you have a healthy 
relationship ongoing? 

488
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,360
Yeah, I mean for that too is you
can just become numb. 

489
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,920
You might not be. 
You might not feel safe. 

490
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,320
Then you might feel silly that 
you don't feel safe, so you just

491
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:26,760
go numb. 
Yeah, go numb. 

492
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,520
You, you just connect, you pull 
away, you find your safety and 

493
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,560
predictability outside of each 
other. 

494
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,560
You don't, you're not building 
together, You're building 

495
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,000
individually at that point. 
Accountability also offers 

496
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,640
structure in a relationship. 
It's a framework. 

497
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,240
So it's, it's like putting up 
the frame of a house. 

498
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,920
It, it isn't the house, but it's
what you build the house around.

499
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:50,320
And so, you know, as a couple, 
this is what we've built our 

500
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,080
relationship around. 
This is what we're building our 

501
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,480
culture of our family around. 
And that helps you to stay 

502
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,640
aligned, moving the same 
direction on the same team. 

503
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,920
It helps you stay safe. 
Like we mentioned earlier, it 

504
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,920
helps you even when no one is 
watching. 

505
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,040
And that's what you were saying 
about the scene part is a really

506
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,320
important element of this 
because accountability is not 

507
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,880
just what you're doing when 
other people are watching. 

508
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,880
It's actually more important 
about what you're doing when no 

509
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,720
one is watching. 
Something that's really 

510
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:20,760
challenged me over the years 
and, and it's always been a 

511
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,200
challenge and it still is even 
to do today, but it's not as 

512
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,120
extreme of a challenge. 
It's just some a small thing I'm

513
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,640
aware of. 
But how I would parent my kids 

514
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,960
when others were around was a 
big one. 

515
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:34,800
You know, like I would be more 
frustrated when no one was 

516
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,720
around than if people were 
around. 

517
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,400
I'd put in more effort to be 
calm and pleasant because I want

518
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,440
people to feel like I'm a 
patient parent. 

519
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,240
The reality is I'm not like, I 
mean, the reality is like kids 

520
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,440
press my buttons. 
But also the reality is I have 

521
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,160
my best times with the kids too.
So you don't see all that stuff 

522
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,920
that I'm very concerned about 
how people will see me there. 

523
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,040
So. 
But when people are around, I am

524
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,240
seen. 
So yeah, it's it's that 

525
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,840
challenge there. 
Yeah, to have it consistent. 

526
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,400
Yeah, absolutely. 
And I've actually shared that 

527
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,880
with the kids too. 
I'm like, and I've, I remember 

528
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,920
one time specifically, I came 
home and I apologised. 

529
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,880
Well, no, I didn't come home and
I apologise. 

530
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:13,840
I we were out, you know, I got 
home and I got frustrated and I,

531
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:17,680
and I later I talked to them. 
I'm like, look, I, I, this is 

532
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,360
something I'm struggling with, 
you know, I'm, I just feel like,

533
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,240
yeah, I don't like this. 
I don't like that. 

534
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,720
We've just been out and I've 
been, you know, all pleasant and

535
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,200
come home and just been 
frustrated. 

536
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,400
I don't like that. 
And I wanna work on that. 

537
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:33,440
So there's been a big part too 
is like identifying that that, 

538
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,960
you know, this is a a struggle 
of mine communicating that, but 

539
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,480
at the same time is like they're
gonna see it again. 

540
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,320
So just helping them know like 
that. 

541
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,080
I'm I'm still working on this 
and I'm not, you know, it's just

542
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,160
that it's not that once off 
conversation with them, it's 

543
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,000
like I ticked that box. 
I said that. 

544
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,720
But they're not. 
And also the element of them not

545
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:53,160
owning that for you like they're
not I'm. 

546
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,200
Not it's not on them. 
Yeah, you've said it. 

547
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,000
And then now they just have to 
remember that even though your 

548
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,920
actions aren't backing that up. 
Like, yeah, that's yeah 'cause. 

549
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,600
I know, I know. 
So our oldest boy, sometimes he 

550
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,680
starts like, you know, you can 
see him starting to own it. 

551
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,840
And I was just like, man, all 
right, look, I I appreciate you.

552
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,160
I love you. 
I love what you're trying to do.

553
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:15,200
But even just sharing, I just 
don't think it's healthy that 

554
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:16,880
you take that on. 
This is my thing. 

555
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:20,480
I love your support, but I I 
need to own this as well. 

556
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,320
Yeah. 
Absolutely. 

557
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,920
It's funny because I I wrestle 
with that, but I also wrestle 

558
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,160
with the opposite. 
When I'm out in public, I find 

559
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:30,160
myself embarrassed or like, 
overwhelmed by the thoughts of 

560
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,160
what people are thinking of me, 
of my kids, sorry or but the 

561
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,520
behaviour of my kids. 
So I'm more frustrated or more 

562
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,840
on top of stuff than I would be 
if it was just me and there was 

563
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:39,840
no one around. 
Yeah. 

564
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,280
So it can work. 
Like, yeah. 

565
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,240
And it can cause greater 
frustration because I'm just 

566
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,840
like, oh man, I don't want to 
disturb people. 

567
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:47,320
And the kids just don't know how
to be quiet because they're just

568
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,960
still learning that at the end 
of the day, they're kids. 

569
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,080
They're doing kid things. 
They're not doing anything 

570
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,760
wrong. 
They're just being kids. 

571
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,360
They're just us being able to 
regulate that situation. 

572
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,240
Yeah, but it's a great, great 
example of that, like 

573
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,760
recognising, oh, there's a 
difference between how I act or 

574
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:06,560
how I feel like acting when I'm 
seen, when I'm on my own. 

575
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,680
And yeah, I think that's I'm 
going to read what I wrote 

576
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,880
because I felt like I got it. 
I nailed it. 

577
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,400
It's something about 
accountability. 

578
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,960
People can sometimes think 
subconsciously that it's a 

579
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:22,480
performative thing, that it is 
wild people are looking and that

580
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,360
appearances are enough. 
And I'm here to say, Nope, 

581
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:29,400
actually, it's the opposite. 
And what you do, how you are and

582
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,160
what you are and when you're not
being viewed is the biggest 

583
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,760
telltale sign of your 
relationship integrity and of 

584
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,840
your integrity as a person. 
Accountability offers a 

585
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:42,240
framework to help you stay 
aligned and on the same team, 

586
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:46,680
but it also offer offers a 
framework for you to stay in as 

587
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:51,320
an integral. 
You just say in integrity as a 

588
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,360
person, as an individual, 
regardless of your relationship 

589
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:58,720
status and regardless of if it's
in front of people or not. 

590
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,840
So we're going to move on to why
does it actually matter in a 

591
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,840
second? 
Yeah, but before we do, we just 

592
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,600
wanted to share with you about a
fundraiser that we're a part of.

593
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:11,000
We're a part of Man with a Pram,
which is a national, Australian 

594
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,120
national events that's happening
around on Father's Day weekend. 

595
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:17,680
We're raising funds to support 
dads in the perinatal period, 

596
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,760
which is before birth and after 
birth. 

597
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,760
Research shows that when dads 
are greatest supported in this 

598
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:27,040
period, the whole family is more
supported. 96% of mum's first 

599
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,200
contact for help and support is 
the dad, but there's no help on 

600
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,080
the support there for dads. 
So what? 

601
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,120
We're on a mission with Dad's 
group and Man with the Pram to 

602
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:38,920
bring a greater support for dads
in the parental period to better

603
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,240
support the family. 
So if you'd like to join us, if 

604
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,440
you'd like to donate, you can 
click on the link in the bio, 

605
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:48,320
Donate to Honeymoon to chat on 
the Man with the Pram platform 

606
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,560
and that'd be great support. 
You could also run your own 

607
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:55,280
event by continuing on on the 
Man with the Pram website and 

608
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,400
signing up. 
Yeah, great Father's Day 

609
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,760
activity for anybody who doesn't
yet have a plan. 

610
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:04,680
The family events exactly forgot
to mention that family event. 

611
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,120
So it's a it's an awesome event 
too. 

612
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:10,280
So we, we run our local 1 here 
on Father's Day weekend. 

613
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:12,800
Families come together to get 
around dads and say, look, 

614
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,640
you're not doing this alone. 
We've got your back. 

615
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,240
Yeah, absolutely. 
Get on that. 

616
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,600
We will link it into the 
description of this podcast. 

617
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,680
Alrighty. 
So why does accountability can't

618
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:26,240
believe? 
Why does accountability actually

619
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:29,640
matter? 
So having accountability helps 

620
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,440
you stop living in defence mode 
because you've already owned it.

621
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,200
It helps your partner relax 
because they don't have to chase

622
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,200
you, remind you or wonder if 
you've actually heard them and 

623
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,520
actually, and also helps with 
that predictability we talked 

624
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,280
about. 
They know who you are and they 

625
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:45,000
know what they can trust and 
expect from you and they don't 

626
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,600
have to be second guessing that 
all the time. 

627
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,560
It helps you feel more like you 
and that's really important. 

628
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:52,200
Not just about I'll do it for 
all the other people. 

629
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,560
Accountability is so important 
for yourself because if you can 

630
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,480
do what you've committed to do 
or be what you've committed to 

631
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,320
be or whatever it is, you will 
feel so much more. 

632
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,320
You will feel such a better 
sense of self and strength in 

633
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,760
yourself and you're not going to
be spiralling in that guilt or 

634
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,320
that shame. 
You're not going to be hiding 

635
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,160
away, feeling secretive, having 
parts of your brain where you're

636
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,880
like, I can't, I can't show you 
this part. 

637
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,680
I can't show you this part. 
It's just clean self respect. 

638
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,480
And that's really important for 
your sense of self and for your 

639
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:20,760
mental health. 
It's huge. 

640
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,600
And that also fully impacts how 
you show up in your 

641
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,440
relationships, how you show up 
at work, how you show up in 

642
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,240
life. 
It helps the relationship feel 

643
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,960
lighter, so there's less 
resentment, there's less 

644
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,560
bitterness, there's fewer 
emotional surprises and there's 

645
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:36,960
a future and like a positivity 
and enjoyment. 

646
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:39,640
And we've found this when like 
there's, there's some really 

647
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:42,600
hard stuff that we have 
navigated in the accountability 

648
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:46,160
space and some of it's been 
really tricky and yucky, but 

649
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,640
every time we have a 
conversation about something 

650
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,680
that we've navigated, I feel so 
much better. 

651
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,680
Like straight away, even if it's
like, oh, this is, I hate that 

652
00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:55,640
we're still navigating this. 
Even if it's a hard 

653
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:57,960
conversation, Yeah. 
I feel so much better. 

654
00:29:58,120 --> 00:29:59,680
I feel so much more connected to
you. 

655
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:03,760
I feel doesn't sometimes trust 
is still affected because of 

656
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:07,840
whatever's gone down, but it, it
makes me that safety that we 

657
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,240
talked about is there. 
So it makes me see the way 

658
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:14,360
forward instead of this big 
secrecy bubble or this big like 

659
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:17,040
hidden bubble is it doesn't help
you see your future. 

660
00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:18,840
And so that's what 
accountability can do. 

661
00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:20,560
It makes your relationship feel 
lighter. 

662
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,280
You become trustworthy. 
It's not because you're never 

663
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,800
making mistakes. 
It's that people trust you. 

664
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:27,960
You're predictable. 
They know what's going to happen

665
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,840
in how you navigate it, what 
your behaviours are, what your 

666
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,480
reactions are. 
So you're trustworthy and that 

667
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,280
again, impacts how you're 
showing up in your family. 

668
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,720
You're also forming a culture 
within your family. 

669
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,720
Accountability sets the tone for
your family and that's really 

670
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:44,080
important. 
You're forming your expectations

671
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:46,080
of each other. 
You're forming how you guys 

672
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,040
navigate this and how you 
navigate everything else that 

673
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,760
comes up as well. 
Also, if you have kids, you're 

674
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:53,720
setting that example for them as
well. 

675
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:55,920
They're seeing what true 
accountability, I can't say that

676
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,160
word. 
They're seeing what true 

677
00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:00,680
accountability looks like, kind 
of like what you said in your 

678
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:04,520
apology to them and and kind of 
sharing your struggle with them 

679
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,400
about how you're reacting. 
They've seen that now and that's

680
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:11,920
can be a really beautiful thing 
when it's followed by what I. 

681
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,360
Was going to say, is that it? 
The, The thing is, there's like,

682
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:17,160
all right, I had to really 
navigate through this. 

683
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:19,640
I've I've communicated with 
them, but with that comes a 

684
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,920
whole other level of questions, 
confusion. 

685
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,800
You mean they're in an age where
they're not really getting in? 

686
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:26,240
Yeah. 
So they're still navigating 

687
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:28,240
through it. 
So it's an ongoing thing. 

688
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:30,800
As mentioned before, it's not 
just one conversation. 

689
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,840
It's a commitment to working 
through that with them. 

690
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:37,320
I'm owning it. 
I'm being responsible for my 

691
00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:40,320
actions and my responses. 
Yeah, and I think that's huge as

692
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:42,760
long as it's done in a 
constructive way and not in like

693
00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:47,080
a dismissive or trying to just 
tick a box when then it's I feel

694
00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:49,520
like, you know, everybody's 
going to be everyone's going to 

695
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,360
have their things as a parent. 
And and it's scary to think 

696
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:55,200
about the damage or the pain 
that we might cause that our our

697
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,200
kids. 
But I think if we're able to 

698
00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:59,920
show that side of us, that's one
of the biggest gifts that we can

699
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:02,520
give and one of the biggest 
hopes because it doesn't really 

700
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:04,440
matter. 
It does matter what you do, but 

701
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:08,360
it, it adds an extra layer of 
value and relationship. 

702
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,360
Basically accountability keeps 
your conscience clean and your 

703
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:14,000
connection strong. 
That is why it actually matters 

704
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:16,240
in relationship. 
So there's some common 

705
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,520
misconceptions of what 
accountability is something 

706
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,520
like, but I said sorry isn't 
that or not like, no, saying 

707
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:24,840
sorry is not enough. 
Or I didn't mean to hurt them. 

708
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:27,560
Like we said earlier, we need to
mean not to hurt them. 

709
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,080
Or I only acted like that 
because they did whatever. 

710
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,480
And that's the defensiveness 
that we're talking about. 

711
00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:35,760
That's the blame game that we 
were talking about. 

712
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,240
I only acted like that because 
this happened. 

713
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:40,320
And that's not taking 
accountability of your own 

714
00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,680
actions. 
If it was that bad, they'd bring

715
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,280
it up. 
If it was that bad of a thing, 

716
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:45,720
my partner would bring it up to 
me. 

717
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:49,000
Waiting for that to happen is 
not accountable or fine. 

718
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,120
I'll just try harder like that 
kind of like fine, you've nagged

719
00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:54,240
me so I'll fix it or I won't do 
it again. 

720
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:57,680
And that kind of that's again, 
not taking accountability or I'm

721
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,760
the worst. 
That shame victim mentality 

722
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,240
spiral. 
I'm the worst. 

723
00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:04,320
I'm really bad at this thing. 
I'm the worst. 

724
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:06,040
It's. 
Kind of like it's, it's not 

725
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:07,240
guilt tripping. 
Well, it's kind of. 

726
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:08,240
Guilt. 
It's kind of person. 

727
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:12,480
Yeah, it's just like, I'm so 
bad, tell me how good I am, but 

728
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,920
I'm so bad. 
And the one before like, fine, 

729
00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,520
I'll try harder. 
It's it's just when it's, it's 

730
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:19,240
all about the way that you're 
saying it too. 

731
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:22,240
Like, you know, we, we mentioned
about when we tell our kids to 

732
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:24,840
say sorry to each other, they 
just say it because then they 

733
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:26,960
know that's what they were 
wanting them to say. 

734
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:31,120
There's no meaning behind it. 
Words and not enough, You know, 

735
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:33,280
you've actually got to mean 
these things. 

736
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:37,440
And that that's a good example 
of what is enough in that place.

737
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:39,640
Because yes, when you hurt 
somebody, it is nice to say 

738
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,640
sorry, but it's not OK to just 
say sorry. 

739
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:45,080
No, So what I would word what I 
would do in this situation, 

740
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:47,440
right, rather than just fine, 
I'll try harder. 

741
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:49,760
It's like, all right, cool, I I 
hear you. 

742
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:51,680
I will try harder. 
I'm going to try. 

743
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,040
I'm going to put these things in
place, right. 

744
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,320
So it's like, and then and then 
that's the accountability. 

745
00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,680
It's like, you know, you can say
to me, how are you going? 

746
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:00,880
So with my mental health, right,
I know. 

747
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:05,520
And you know, if I'm not active,
if I don't get outside, we work 

748
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:07,440
from home, right? 
So we're always inside. 

749
00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:10,360
It's very hard to get like 
active because you, you miss out

750
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:12,960
on a lot of random little 
activities, right? 

751
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,000
So walking from your house to 
your car, walking from your car 

752
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,000
to the office, you don't get any
of that, right? 

753
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:21,639
Because you just at home and you
know that for me, I need to be 

754
00:34:21,639 --> 00:34:23,600
out with, you know, nature, go 
for a walk over. 

755
00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:25,840
So, you know, with my mental 
health, it's like, all right, 

756
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:26,960
cool. 
This is what I'm going to do 

757
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:28,080
about it. 
I'm going to walk more. 

758
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:31,000
I'm going to be more active. 
And when I'm when you feel like 

759
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,120
I'm struggling, now you have 
something to just to check in. 

760
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,320
It's like, Hey, how are you 
going with walking? 

761
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:39,440
You don't come to me like, well,
you're being super cranky, 

762
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:41,679
you're being anxious, you're 
annoying us because you're doing

763
00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:44,080
you. 
You come with specific like 

764
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:47,679
questions to help me work 
through that situation because 

765
00:34:47,679 --> 00:34:50,120
you know of the accountability 
that I put in place with that 

766
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:53,440
changing of and framing and 
meaning of what I'm trying to do

767
00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:58,360
both now stronger to work on my 
situation. 

768
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:01,040
I'm taking responsibility, but 
I'm not leaving you out in the 

769
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,960
dark or the cold or like not 
knowing what's going on and now 

770
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,120
doing this together. 
Yeah, and I think all of these 

771
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:09,720
things require a curiosity about
each other or an openness to 

772
00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:11,560
each other. 
So the, the sorry thing with the

773
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:14,640
kids, like for them to really 
understand what it is, they need

774
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,600
to think, oh, what did I do that
hurt them? 

775
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:18,360
How do they might they be 
feeling? 

776
00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,200
And that's where that piece is 
missing for them. 

777
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:21,880
Like they're still building that
muscle. 

778
00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:24,800
And that says, parents, what we 
can help them do be like, don't 

779
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:26,440
just say sorry. 
Like, what did you do? 

780
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:28,600
Like, how did that happen? 
Why did you do it? 

781
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:30,520
That sort of thing, like the 
curiosity and yeah, 

782
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:33,840
accountability, although I've 
said ownership like 500 times in

783
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,320
this episode, it is your 
ownership of the thing. 

784
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:40,120
But there are times where 
accountability is I actually 

785
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:44,200
can't do this on my own, like 
I'm not doing well on my own or 

786
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:46,920
I'm spinning my wheels. 
So I'm seeking out 

787
00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:51,000
accountability to bring someone 
into this space to help me with 

788
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,000
this. 
Not that they own it, I still 

789
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,960
own it, but I'm not achieving 
what I want to achieve in this 

790
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:59,120
space or I'm not bringing in the
healing or the work or whatever.

791
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:02,760
So I need an external person and
that's what the like The Walking

792
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:06,560
and stuff you are mostly, mostly
you own that on your own anyway.

793
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:10,520
But there will be times where 
mental health is low and it's 

794
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:13,880
almost, it feels almost 
impossible to remind yourself. 

795
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:15,840
So that's where that team 
element comes in. 

796
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:19,560
I'm not here to carry it for you
or fix it for you, but the 

797
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:23,440
openness and you bringing in an 
external accountability, which 

798
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:27,240
we've done in our relationship 
to remind you or to like, yeah, 

799
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:30,080
have that curiosity with you is 
important. 

800
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,120
So it's not about you need to 
fix it on your own. 

801
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:33,720
Don't you dare put it on anybody
else. 

802
00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:36,280
That's not how this works. 
And you'll know at your core 

803
00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,200
what what's putting it on 
someone else or not. 

804
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,680
All right, so everyday signs of 
missing accountability. 

805
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:44,240
So here's some everyday signs of
accountability being messed with

806
00:36:44,240 --> 00:36:46,520
in a relationship. 
So you forget to follow through 

807
00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:48,960
on something and you quietly 
hope that they won't bring it 

808
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,000
up. 
You spent money secretly and you

809
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,600
justified it in your head. 
This has happened for me where I

810
00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:56,080
found myself and not huge 
things, but I've been like, Oh, 

811
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,360
I'm I and we've talked about the
financial thing when, when I had

812
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,440
the chunk of our savings in at 
my account and I was just like, 

813
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:05,080
it was so overwhelming to me 
because I knew I just did not 

814
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:08,880
have the discipline or the even 
the like piece to see through 

815
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:10,320
it. 
So I ended up just be like, just

816
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,280
take it, just literally take it 
out of the account. 

817
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:15,280
I don't want it there. 
And I would find myself not 

818
00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:18,160
flippantly buying stuff, but I 
would buy stuff and then see it 

819
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:20,400
going down and be like, I feel, 
I feel bad about this. 

820
00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:23,240
So if you're finding yourself 
spending money, I know this is 

821
00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:26,520
such a specific one, but I think
it happens quite a bit secretly.

822
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:28,920
And then justifying it or 
keeping it from your partner, 

823
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:31,600
those kinds of things are a sign
of missing accountability. 

824
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:35,520
Finance is such a huge stress, 
stress on relationships, you 

825
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:39,120
know, with that as well, like 
solid systems and processes or 

826
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:41,600
even just like then is like, all
right, I deal with finances, 

827
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:43,800
like the stress of finances a 
little bit better than you do. 

828
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:47,360
So I'll take that, you know, and
and you take care of the bills 

829
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,320
and such like we're we're 
working on this together as a 

830
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,240
team is really important. 
So, you know, when were you, you

831
00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:55,000
just sort of not that you did 
this intentionally, but you kind

832
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:57,600
of brushed over the finance 
thing as a small deal. 

833
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,200
Oh, it's not actually, no. 
Finance for a lot of 

834
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,120
relationships is the main 
stressor. 

835
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,480
Yeah, yeah. 
And that's a really funny, good 

836
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:07,840
example of it because I wasn't 
actually overspending or being 

837
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,200
ridiculous with my finance. 
With my finance, some people 

838
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,000
would and but I wasn't. 
But I was thinking I was. 

839
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:16,480
Even the fact that I was feeling
like I was and then feeling like

840
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,320
I was hiding or feeling like I 
was carrying this like burden 

841
00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:22,920
was enough to erode for me. 
So that that's when I got it 

842
00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:23,680
out. 
I was like, better. 

843
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:26,200
So it's funny because 
accountability is not just about

844
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,920
what you're actually doing or 
the impact you're actually 

845
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:30,680
having. 
Sometimes it's just like, I 

846
00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:34,000
think I might be doing this and 
that's enough of a, a flag to I 

847
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:38,360
need to communicate about this 
sarcasm or shutting down instead

848
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,680
of naming something that's 
uncomfortable or something that 

849
00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:43,120
you need to name and address in 
your relationship. 

850
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:45,360
Those kinds of communication 
patterns, the clumsy 

851
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:47,800
communication that we've had in 
these other episodes. 

852
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,040
That's actually a lack of 
accountability as well. 

853
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:54,640
Brushing off a com, a comment or
brushing off an an incident that

854
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,680
you know impacted your partner 
instead of checking in on how it

855
00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,760
went. 
Ignoring that blatantly just 

856
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,240
lying if you lie to your 
partner. 

857
00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:02,440
That's the lack of 
accountability. 

858
00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:05,720
Keeping something small to 
yourself and and intentionally 

859
00:39:05,720 --> 00:39:08,680
avoiding. 
Obviously not every detail needs

860
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:10,360
to be shared with your partner, 
but if there's something that 

861
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:13,080
you are intentionally avoiding 
sharing with your partner 

862
00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:16,160
outside of a surprise birthday 
party or something like that, 

863
00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:18,960
asking, ask yourself what that 
is and why. 

864
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:23,160
Because that to me is a marker 
for a lack of accountability, 

865
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,000
finding your mind wandering into
risky territory. 

866
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:29,280
So imagining a life with someone
else or over overly sexualizing 

867
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,800
or fantasising about something. 
We talked about that already. 

868
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:34,560
And my hot take on this is 
there's a world of difference 

869
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,280
between noticing somebody is 
beautiful and then being 

870
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,760
attracted to them. 
And that is a subtle difference 

871
00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:43,200
in your brain and what you do 
with the information that you're

872
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:46,120
feeding into your brain. 
You can't control what 

873
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:47,760
information gets into your 
brain. 

874
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:51,080
You can control what you do with
that information and you should 

875
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:54,080
be controlling that. 
So not actively putting things 

876
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:58,240
in place to take ownership of 
your thoughts, regardless of the

877
00:39:58,240 --> 00:40:00,000
topic is a lack of 
accountability. 

878
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,120
Nursing quiet resentment. 
That contempt piece, we talked 

879
00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:07,000
about sliding into that contempt
or comparison or bitterness or 

880
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,840
whatever and not communicating 
about it, acting fine on the 

881
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:12,760
outside, but internally shutting
down or pulling away from your 

882
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:16,240
relationship and really at the, 
at the core of it ultimately, 

883
00:40:16,240 --> 00:40:18,560
you know. 
What doesn't feel constructive, 

884
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:20,200
You know what a lack of 
accountability is. 

885
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:23,080
You know for you what that is in
your relationship, in your 

886
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:25,520
context. 
So common deflections people 

887
00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:27,720
might be putting out if they're 
struggling with accountability 

888
00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:29,920
is it's not that big of a deal 
or I'll fix it on my own. 

889
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:32,280
I won't bring them in on it. 
I'm too stressed to deal with 

890
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:34,440
that right now. 
They should just know bringing 

891
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,440
it up will just make it worse. 
All of those kinds of 

892
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:39,120
deflections can be signs of a 
lack of accountability. 

893
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:41,920
And as we've mentioned mentioned
earlier, and this is a really 

894
00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:46,000
important part, intentions and 
impact are really important to 

895
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:49,120
discern between. 
Most of us will judge ourselves 

896
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:51,800
by our own intentions. 
So what goes on in our 

897
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:55,280
intentions internally, but we 
will judge other people by how 

898
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:57,560
they impact us. 
And so that's important. 

899
00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:00,200
The actions and words are really
important. 

900
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:03,760
We might have a lot of grace for
ourselves because we know we 

901
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:07,760
intended to do this thing, and a
lot less grace for someone by 

902
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:10,800
how they acted towards us. 
But we need to be aware of and 

903
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:14,360
true accountability is aware of 
owning the gap between your 

904
00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:17,120
intentions and how you acted. 
So on the flip side of this, 

905
00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:19,680
what does real accountability 
look like in a relationship in 

906
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,840
practical examples? 
So someone coming to their 

907
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,080
partner addressing, I've 
actually been remote really 

908
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:27,840
emotionally checked out and I 
want to talk about that or I've 

909
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,680
been really struggling with this
thing in our relationship and I 

910
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:32,560
just want to address that. 
That's a way of being 

911
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:36,440
accountable or I made a 
financial decision that I regret

912
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:38,960
and I want to name it. 
That's something I've done one 

913
00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:40,760
year. 
I didn't put aside tax because I

914
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:43,240
was working for myself and I was
new to working for myself. 

915
00:41:43,240 --> 00:41:45,800
So I do have a lot of grace. 
For like 3 months I was like, 

916
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:47,400
yeah, we're gonna have a massive
tax bill. 

917
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:51,760
And I was so stressed and I held
that back from talking to Blair 

918
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,480
about it until finally I did. 
I think, I don't, I don't even 

919
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:56,000
remember. 
And then turns out we actually 

920
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,040
got money back so I didn't have 
to worry about it. 

921
00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,840
It was like such a relief. 
But I, it was weighing on me and

922
00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:03,320
that was a lack of 
accountability. 

923
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:05,880
I hadn't put things in place 
properly and then I was 

924
00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:08,000
stressing about it and then I 
wasn't talking about it. 

925
00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:09,440
So that's a lack of 
accountability. 

926
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:11,560
And The thing is, I dealt with 
that. 

927
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:14,200
He had done it as well done. 
That for years and but you 

928
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:16,840
didn't talk to me about it was 
new for you and you just just 

929
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:17,720
paralysed. 
You. 

930
00:42:17,720 --> 00:42:19,840
I was worried about how you 
would feel and how it would 

931
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:21,760
affect us. 
Yeah, it paralysed me. 

932
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:23,560
That's a good, but it's so an 
excuse. 

933
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:27,840
I needed to be active in that 
space and I felt so much better 

934
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:30,160
when I vocalised it. 
I remember this feeling of just 

935
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,640
being like, Oh my gosh, I didn't
at the time, I didn't know we're

936
00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:34,320
going to get money back from 
tax. 

937
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,440
I was still very stressed, but I
felt better. 

938
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:40,160
And that lighter thing that we 
talked about, the relationship 

939
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:41,800
felt lighter. 
We felt like a team again. 

940
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:45,600
Another example is I promised to
watch my tone and I was really 

941
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:46,920
snappy again. 
So I'm really sorry. 

942
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:49,920
Or I promised that I wasn't 
going to react this way or I 

943
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:53,000
wasn't going to talk this way 
and I did. 

944
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,440
So I'm very sorry. 
Bringing anything to the table. 

945
00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:58,320
If something's flagging for you 
as you're crossing one of those 

946
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:00,760
boundaries that we put in place 
and we've done this, be like, 

947
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:03,320
I'm feeling a little bit off 
about this relationship or this 

948
00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:05,320
friendship or this situation or 
whatever. 

949
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:09,120
So I'm just letting you know I'm
putting this thing in place to 

950
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:12,000
put a bit of distance there or 
to reinforce that boundary. 

951
00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:15,040
Bringing you're not just doing 
that action, you're also then 

952
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:18,520
bringing it to your partner. 
And we've done this before with 

953
00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:20,760
our boundaries that we've got 
with people of the opposite 

954
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,240
gender, spending time with them 
be like, I'm just letting you 

955
00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:26,120
know, I'm I've said this to this
person, or I'm putting this in 

956
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,760
place, or I've I've just alerted
another person to be there so 

957
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:32,680
that we're not in this thing 
alone or whatever it might be. 

958
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:35,080
Could do those actions on our 
own. 

959
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:37,520
But the actual conversation 
about it is where the 

960
00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:40,280
accountability really comes in 
and helps grow as well. 

961
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:44,760
Or I want to let you know that I
looked at content or I read this

962
00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:48,040
book or I watched this movie, or
I thought about this thing that 

963
00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:50,560
we agreed that we wouldn't. 
And so I'm sorry. 

964
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:52,360
And this is what I'm doing about
it. 

965
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:55,600
So those are some ways that 
practical accountability can 

966
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:57,920
look in a relationship. 
And just a few thoughts to 

967
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:00,240
finish it. 
These are my edgy truths about 

968
00:44:00,240 --> 00:44:02,600
this. 
You can be technically right and

969
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:05,560
still lack accountability. 
So you can be technically right,

970
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:09,600
like I didn't mean to do this or
I didn't, whatever, but lack 

971
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,720
accountability because you're 
not communicating about it, 

972
00:44:12,720 --> 00:44:15,040
you're hiding something, you're 
not being upfront and you're not

973
00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:17,200
owning it. 
So you can technically be right 

974
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:18,960
and still be lacking 
accountability. 

975
00:44:19,120 --> 00:44:21,560
You don't need to make a mistake
to take responsibility or own 

976
00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:23,240
something. 
So you don't have to wait till 

977
00:44:23,240 --> 00:44:26,040
you're making mistakes to 
actually own that thing instead 

978
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:27,880
of like our kids saying I didn't
mean to. 

979
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,920
You can mean not to and should 
mean not to. 

980
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:32,760
What patterns have you already 
identified before they come back

981
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:33,360
again? 
Right. 

982
00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:35,640
And So what can, what can you do
from here? 

983
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:39,200
It's like, all right, I keep on 
into that area, so before it 

984
00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:43,000
happens again, I know about it. 
What can I do now to prevent it 

985
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:43,920
again? 
Exactly. 

986
00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:45,840
I'll work on preventing it in 
the future. 

987
00:44:46,240 --> 00:44:49,280
Yeah, another one is true love 
requires true accountability 

988
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:52,080
even when people aren't looking.
And this is really important. 

989
00:44:52,240 --> 00:44:56,440
Real, solid, strong 
relationships require real, 

990
00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:59,200
solid, strong accountability, 
regardless of who's looking, 

991
00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:01,960
regardless if your partner 
notices, regardless if other 

992
00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:04,800
people are seeing it. 
And last one, you can't love 

993
00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:06,560
deeply if you're hiding 
something. 

994
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:09,920
You can't love deeply and 
completely if you're holding 

995
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:12,600
things back from your partner. 
And again, you're the one that's

996
00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:15,040
going to know what that is. 
Things aren't black and white, 

997
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:19,480
but you'll know inside you will 
have something tweaking that for

998
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:20,840
you. 
So that's accountability. 

999
00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:23,520
I've just got a few reflection 
things for you to ask yourselves

1000
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:25,560
today, and I want us to ask 
ourselves as well. 

1001
00:45:25,760 --> 00:45:28,480
What is something that you're 
quietly excusing and you haven't

1002
00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:31,360
communicated about? 
Is there a gap between who 

1003
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:34,040
you're wanting to be and how 
you're actually showing up in 

1004
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:37,240
your relationship in life? 
IA 100% end this. 

1005
00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:39,400
There's a huge gap between who 
I'm wanting to be and how I'm 

1006
00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:40,960
showing up in a lot of areas of 
life. 

1007
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:44,000
That's a lack of accountability.
Or where am I waiting to be 

1008
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:47,400
called out for instead of 
stepping out and stepping up 

1009
00:45:47,400 --> 00:45:49,280
myself? 
What is the thing I'm waiting to

1010
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:52,760
be caught in rather than 
stepping out and addressing it 

1011
00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:54,440
myself? 
Something you can try today with

1012
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:57,200
your partner is sitting down and
saying, look, we're OK. 

1013
00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:00,080
But I've noticed something in 
myself that I want to talk about

1014
00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:01,640
before it becomes a bigger 
thing. 

1015
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:04,360
Or, you know, I know I brushed 
this thing off that was 

1016
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:06,120
important to you. 
Can we come back to that? 

1017
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:08,000
I want to see how you're going, 
whatever that might be. 

1018
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:10,960
Addressing something gently. 
What is amazing about this is 

1019
00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:13,840
when you can address something 
before it's a mistake again. 

1020
00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:15,200
Like that's what you just 
mentioned. 

1021
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:19,200
It's so much better, like it's 
almost no partner is going to be

1022
00:46:19,200 --> 00:46:21,080
upset at you trying to be 
proactive. 

1023
00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:24,240
It might not be comfortable, but
everybody appreciates 

1024
00:46:24,240 --> 00:46:27,560
proactivity and if you can 
address that in a nice, calm way

1025
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:31,880
today before it's a big thing, 
then you'll find yourself having

1026
00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:33,520
a much clearer conversation 
about it. 

1027
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:36,360
So that is accountability. 
It's about taking ownership, 

1028
00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:39,240
it's a culture and it's not 
about fixing all these things. 

1029
00:46:39,240 --> 00:46:41,080
I feel like I say this in every 
episode now. 

1030
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:43,800
You don't need to fix everything
that we've just listed. 

1031
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:46,280
It's little things at a time. 
It's bringing little patterns 

1032
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:49,600
and behaviours and rhythms into 
your relationship at a time to 

1033
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:52,960
address this and strengthen 
this, so that years down the 

1034
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:55,880
track, instead of continuing to 
move this way slowly, you're 

1035
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:57,680
starting to move closer together
slowly. 

1036
00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:01,200
I think a really big thing to 
realise here is accountability 

1037
00:47:01,200 --> 00:47:04,120
isn't about being perfect, it's 
about growing. 

1038
00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:06,320
It's about being honest while 
you grow. 

1039
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:08,680
That's something as well. 
It's really important for you to

1040
00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:10,640
be aware of, OK, We're just 
being proactive. 

1041
00:47:10,640 --> 00:47:13,560
We're being intentional with our
growth individually and 

1042
00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:16,360
together. 
If we focus in on ourselves 

1043
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:20,160
individually, it helps us as we 
approach our relationship 

1044
00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:21,760
growth. 
So just wanna encourage you 

1045
00:47:21,760 --> 00:47:23,360
guys, this is a lot of stuff 
here. 

1046
00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:25,280
Write in, tell us how you're 
going. 

1047
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:28,160
We love write insurance guys. 
We love hearing that we share a 

1048
00:47:28,160 --> 00:47:30,360
lot about our journey. 
Again, you're gonna see more in 

1049
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:32,920
our YouTube of those journeys of
how we're now they're getting 

1050
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:35,360
through a lot of this stuff. 
Head on over there, but write 

1051
00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:38,320
in, let us know because we love,
we love that feedback to just 

1052
00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:40,640
we're in this together. 
And that's just that's just an 

1053
00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:43,480
awesome part of of doing this 
journey is doing it with you. 

1054
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:44,320
Absolutely. 
So. 

1055
00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:46,440
Thank you so much for tuning in,
guys, and we'll catch you next 

1056
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:47,400
week. 
See you chat.