How you act when no one's watching maybe the biggest test
in your relationship. And the truth is accountability
is one of the most important, least talked about foundations
in a successful relationship. Today, we're unpacking what
breaks down when you don't own your own stuff and what happens
when you eventually do so. Welcome back to another episode
of Honey. We Need to Chat.
If you're new here, my name is Blair.
This is my wife, Amy. Hello.
And we do this podcast. This is what we do.
We believe that when communication dies, bad things
happen. So this podcast is all about,
that's highlighting the importance of communication in a
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When normal people that go through normal struggles.
And So what you're struggling with isn't unique to you.
There's many other people out there too.
So we want to build that community, share those stories
and go on that journey together. Yes.
So today, as we mentioned, we are talking about accountability
in relationships, and I wonder what you think about when you
hear accountability. It could be that you're saying
sorry. It could be that you're owning
your own stuff. It could be about not breaking
trust. I don't know what comes to mind
for you when you hear it, but it's probably not flashy and
probably doesn't sound exciting. But as basic as accountability
might feel, it's also one of the most important foundational
things that build strength within a relationship.
And if you're anything like us, you've probably learned the hard
way that there's a huge difference between saying sorry
and actually taking ownership of your own stuff within a
relationship. I want to paint a little picture
to explain why this is so important and so foundational
for so many couples. So in a relationship without
accountability, you might have one partner that says they'll do
something, change something or be something, and then they
don't do that. Then the other partner will feel
let down. Potentially they say they stay
quiet, they keep the peace, or they take it into their own
hands and own it. Instead, the conversations start
to become guarded and avoidant. Tension builds.
One person keeps mental tabs on every broken promise.
The other avoids ignoring, justifies, dismisses, or
pretends not to notice the things that they're not
following through on. Relationships start to become
walking on egg shells instead of comfortable and safe.
The trust is broken and emotional safety disappears and
connection disappears. So that's what you can see
playing out on a big scale when you're in a relationship without
accountability. The opposite of that is in a
relationship with accountability.
So someone says they're going to do something, be something or
change something. They do it or they miss the
mark, but they immediately own up to it.
One person catches themselves withdrawing or spiralling and
they openly name it and constructively address it with
their partner, saying, hey, I've been feeling off.
Your partner doesn't have to track you or follow through for
you because you're owning your own stuff.
You feel a sense of pride and ownership in your relationship
and in the way that you're showing up in your family.
Conflict will still happen because that's normal in
relationships, but you're quick to repair and you're
constructive in your repairs. And honesty becomes a culture in
which you both feel emotionally safe and overtime, the trust
actually deepens. So as you can see,
accountability, now, it's not a very exciting word, is really
foundational for how a relationship progresses and for
the future and the success of a relationship.
When you say accountability, my mind goes to the word seen like
I'm seen, so I can't hideaway in the things that I'm actually
doing. So when you were talking through
those sorts of things there about what it looks like when
you have accountability in a relationship, well, there's been
different seasons where I've experienced all of the things,
like the opposites of all the things that you just mentioned.
It's like I've gone through different season.
So it's not like you just experience one thing.
You experience different things in different situations and
different stages of life and different processes.
So we've really had to work on this.
And one thing that stands out to me too.
So seen right that that word just stands out to me where you
and I are discussing something at the moment, nothing heavy,
but this is something at the moment.
And I keep saying to you, I just feel really uneasy about that.
And your aunt like you and you asked me, which is good is why
do I feel uneasy now? I know before I could have just
got really impatient with that, that question about I just, I
just am, I'm just uneasy. But now, you know, because we've
worked on this for, for years now, I'm like, all right, cool.
Why am I actually uneasy? So I've got that attitude of
curiosity towards my own response and I don't have an
answer yet. And that's my answer.
And and that's what I'm and my answer is I'm unpacking that
that with that now we now you have that insight to my
situation. Now I could use so much more
with understanding my response. Yeah, absolutely.
It's not a finish here, it's a commitment to keep on unpacking
that. That's this is what the word
scene means, because I can just sit there and go and aspire or I
can do my thing and there's no accountability in my process.
But with you asking me that accountability to you now we're
both equipped and and and stronger in that.
Situation I really like that that's a really good I guess not
definition but like what comes to mind for you when you hear it
because I haven't thought of it that way before and it's really
easy for these examples to sound like closed like like this is
what it is with it this is what it is without it.
That's obviously these are examples painting the picture of
why it's important because this is a lot of these things we talk
about on the podcast are slow burns or they're slow slippery
slopes that you fall down or you find yourself in a rut in.
And it doesn't mean, Oh no, we're on the slippery slope.
We never come back up. It's just that every little
thing that we don't address is what leads us in the grand
scheme of things further and further apart when they're
unaddressed. So like, don't these examples
don't hold onto them like, oh, this is what it looks like.
This is what it is. This is just to paint the
picture and help us think forward on why is it important
Because right now where we're standing might not feel as
important, might not feel as pressing, and a lot of stuff
doesn't until you're down the track where you see the the
bigger picture of it. But I love that scene idea and
that kind of plays into some of the focus of why accountability
is so important and what that looks like in practise.
So you've preempted. Good job, babe.
So when I was trying to work on this as well, I found it really
hard because accountability, there's a definition and I'm
going to read it because I just got it from the dictionary.
It, it was hard to grasp what it looks like.
And we're going to unpack that. It's hard to grasp what it means
to people. And it's probably more of like
a, a vibe that we're just going to vibe out a little bit.
But the definition from the Merriam Webster dictionary is an
obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to
account for one's actions. So in a relationship, this means
owning your impact in the relationship, owning how you
affect your family members, owning how you affect the
routines and success and productivity of your family, of
yourself within this relationship, how you're showing
up, you're constructive or destructive behaviours or
habits, not relying on your partner to own those for you.
So it's really about this ownership piece, ownership in
the following through and ownership in your mistakes as
well, following through on what you say you would do be or
change emotionally, practically or spiritually.
So accountability is it's also really closely tied into
integrity. You're owning the things you've
committed to and showing up in that way in a way that you've
committed to. You're naming your mistakes or
your missteps without needing to be caught or cornered or chased
down. So you're not waiting to be
caught in order for the ownership of this to take place.
It's not like only when I'm seen will I be accountable.
It's that accountability is taking that on regardless.
You are owning that from the beginning if you're succeeding
or if you're finding yourself missing steps.
It's also about saying and being sorry and saying and being the
sole owner of your actions and your commitments.
So it's not just saying sorry that's really important.
It's not just saying those things.
It's actually about being sorry. Yeah, and you see that a lot,
right? Like so actions, a lot of them
words a lot of the time, you know, And we've all had those
moments where you hear something someone will say the thing that
comes to mind sort of Wayne, if you're watching this.
Yeah, yeah. Is Fred Joey on friends.
We like. I'm sorry with quotation Mark's
hands and. He doesn't know what he's doing,
but. You see that a lot and you would
have these different experiences where it's like, all right,
someone's promised something, they're not going to do that
again. All right, things will change
now. Things will be different now.
But the actions say otherwise, right?
So action is a big part of that. So again, good intentions and
that's where it's like said to you, you know, there's been
things that I feel like I've been working on for years,
right? And we work through it.
We have a conversation and it's not saying that like you say
something and then oh, you can never make a mistake again.
It's not saying that. What it is though, is me owning
my situation. So, you know, we've talked a lot
about my mental health struggles and you shared some of the pain
that's caused you. It's not now that I can be like,
cool, all right, I'll never have mental health struggles ever
again. It's not saying that at all, but
it's still owning and being responsible for what I'm doing.
This is my struggle. So how am I supporting you with
the thing that I'm doing as well?
So that I think that's a big part to take into consideration.
If you don't want to be the person that says stuff, but
don't, don't put words into action.
But also when you've got these circumstances that keep
happening, it's owning your situation and the impact that it
can have on others. And how are you helping others
as well through that? Yeah, yeah.
That's why it was so hard to define, like to explain when I
was working on it, because it's it's, it's such a varied
behaviour or whatever you want to call attitude.
And it changes. It's not stagnant, it's not
static like that. But I was thinking when you were
talking about the I'm sorry thing with our kids, like a lot
of the time when they hurt each other or they're frustrated or
whatever, and we ask them to say sorry, they'll say sorry.
And you know that they're not like, they're just like sorry.
And it's like there's no action. They're doing it because they've
been told. To say sorry and they'll do it
500 the times like they'll still get too intense in someone's
face or they'll still like steal the thing and their.
Response back and from their point is like so genuine it was
an accident they accidentally jumped on their head for the
fifth time it's like all right man that's fine when you keep
making the same accident though like you know there's.
A pattern, they say. A lot of the time I didn't mean
to. And I've now started to say, but
you need to mean not to. Yeah.
And I think that's really important.
It's like, I didn't mean to do that.
Yeah, but you need to be meaning to to not do it.
So it's not about just floating through life and then it whoops,
whoops. It's like, OK, what might be
whoops. And I'm going to mean not to do
that. Yeah.
Anyway, so that's the kids are a
really good case study for this stuff.
Well, it's so funny though, because it's like, you see how
these patterns can actually be carried on to adult life, right?
You see the these actions that our kids are doing, It's like,
man, I see adults do that. And now it's not as you know,
it's not as like cute when adults do it.
Obviously it's very irritating when kids do it too, but you see
that there's this time in our lives where we've got to be
accountable for our actions. It's like, all right, cool
habits are habits, so you're going to break those habits, and
now we need to own that process of breaking those.
Habits, yeah, 100%. And you can see how it plays
out. And until it's really
challenged, until there's some blatant like embarrassing or
obvious moment, some people really struggle to grasp this
and take it on board. So in real life, this is what it
looks like, what accountability looks like.
In real life, it looks like stepping up or stepping forward
before and being willing before needing to be chased.
So meaning you are either stepping up.
So we're thinking mental load, right?
Like we talk about mental load a lot, stepping up before you need
to be chased, owning your thing before you're needing to be
chased and nagged and whatever, being willing before you need to
be chased. So it's not a matter of like, if
they ask me, I'll do it, but I just can't be bothered.
And I know so many people whose partners say, if you want me to
do something, tell me. And I understand that.
Like, I get it, but also like own it.
And that's why the mental load conversation's important because
we're now bringing this to the table.
And then when it's on the table, everyone can own it.
And I want to say as well, actually, before we dive too far
and we have this, this practise or whatever you want to call it,
where we will say it's until I communicate it, it is my
problem. So if I've got a problem, it's
my problem until I communicate it with Blair.
And once I've communicated it with him, then it's our problem
or his problem, depending on what it is.
Once I've made it clear that this is really upsetting me or
this is whatever, then we can own it together until I've been
willing to, to share that. And I'll dive into this as a, as
a part of accountability too. I can't really expect that he's
just going to know that's what I or needing or whatever.
The flip side of that is also true.
You would hope to be a partner that is proactively searching
out how to be a constructive and mature and accountable partner
in your relationship. So you're stepping forward
before you're needing to be nagged.
But it doesn't take off the responsibility of you still need
to have clear communication about those things.
So you're stepping forward and being willing before you need to
be chased. You're not just waiting till
someone catches you out. You're not needing your partner
to constantly point things out that you should be noticing
yourself. You're sharing honestly about
what's going on for you, even if it's uncomfortable and even if
you're unsure how your partner will respond.
And this is totally avoidance, passive aggressivity, a bunch of
different conversations we've had and definitely something
that I struggle with and sort of what I just said.
Like if if I've got something I'm navigating that I need to
express clearly, it is my responsibility and my
accountability to communicate that clearly.
It doesn't take the ownership off whatever behaviour might be
going on from my partners end, but it is my responsibility to
communicate that clearly. And that is regardless of how
uncomfortable it feels, and it's regardless of how I think
they're going to react. I don't own their reaction.
Accountability is all about owning your stuff.
You own your responsibility to bring something to the table if
it needs to be brought to the table in a gentle and caring and
loving way, like we've spoken about on the show before.
But that has to be regardless for how uncomfortable it is or
how I think you're going to take it, because I'm not responsible
for that element. Living in a way that prevents
harm, not just apologising after harm.
This is what we said with the kids, like living meaning not to
rather than just not meaning to. Having grace for yourself to
learn change and be humble, which also means not spiralling
into a shame cycle that keeps you quiet, avoidant and
repeating destructive behaviours.
And I wanted to include this because so often we, we have a
victim mentality that we can fall into.
And sometimes that's victim mentality to things outside of
us that have been done to us and we can't get out of it, which is
a trap because you, again, you have to own your own power and
own your own actions that you can do in that.
But also sometimes we have a victim mentality of like, oh,
woe is me, look how bad I am. I'm so bad.
I'm so bad at this thing. I'm not good at this thing.
I can't get on top of this thing.
And you spiral into a shame cycle and shame just keeps you,
you trapped. So having grace for yourself is
also part of accountability. Having grace for yourself to
change and learn so that you don't end up trapping yourself
in a cycle where you lose all accountability altogether
because you're oh I'm so bad at this thing.
That's also part of accountability.
Not digging yourself a a hole just because you've failed.
And that's never constructive for moving forward.
It just helps you repeat the destructive behaviours that
you've already been repeating. And the last one I've got here
is committing to live in the way you've agreed to together and
honouring your partner and yourself in your thoughts, your
decisions and your behaviours. So this is probably the hot
topic part of this, which is things like lust, bitterness,
contempt. And I've got a note that I put
down here because I think it's a good example.
If you have an affair in a relationship, people don't just
suddenly turn around and cheat on their part.
That's what. Happened.
It was you have to mean not to. It's something that starts
slowly and I personally really believe that that starts with
what you're allowing going on inside your inside your mind.
And that's why we've got really intentional boundaries that
we've put in place as a relate as a couple together around
things like lust or how we navigate opposite gender
interactions and that sort of stuff, not because we're so out
of control they're. Insecure.
So insecure it's because we know that every little thing that you
allow in there and every little thing that you allow to fester
or sit in your brain, it's not all related to elastic.
It's really just so many things, but this is just a good example
of it either helps move you forward in a constructive way or
start to make you breakdown in a deconstructive way.
The way that I look at it is like, oh, I'm really scared that
Amy's gonna have an affair. It's not like that at all.
It's more about we're just being proactive and putting these
things in place. That's just not even a thought.
So it's just that we're being intentional with that process
rather than just being like, Oh no, that will never happen and
they don't need to worry about it.
Yeah, it's like, well, no, that's a, it's a value of ours
and not cheat on each other. Yeah.
Like it's a commitment of ours to honour each other and the way
that we view or speak about or any of that.
So we're just intentional with it.
And, and I think it's most people's value to not cheat on
each other, but that's what I mean, when these things are,
they're not usually clear cut. They're little subtle things.
And so people that, you know, have an affair usually, and I'm
not going to try and be creative in my brain because I just don't
want to think about it that much.
But usually it's a little thing that they probably would not
have even identified as being inappropriate or unhelpful.
It's probably just a little, you know, emotional openness to
something that that starts to be then more openness and then more
openness. And then it just ends up further
than they would have ever thought it was going to be
because of all these little moments.
And so we've set that boundary way further back then Probably
most people think it's necessary, but that's what feels
safe to us. And it makes us feel safe about
each other. Yeah.
And it makes us feel safe about ourselves.
I find it really helpful to have that for myself, to just
knowing, oh, that's a boundary. And when I, every time I stick
to it, I'm like, that's great. Yeah, and that's the
accountability side too though, right?
Like it's, it's again, it's not I have a place of insecurity.
It's about of a place of intentionality.
Yeah. It's like, you know, like
there's moments where we've both done for each other is like
actually that's that's pushing the boundaries of what we've put
in place. And we discussed that.
It's not just a flat out, no, not happening.
It's none of that. It's like, hey, OK, that's it's
cool. But these are the things that we
value, you know, and then we we navigate through that together.
So it's giving us the permission to speak into situations is
putting things in place where, you know, we can't guard stuff
because that's when we're guarded.
We're not accountable. We we put those barriers up, but
we don't let each other in and we're just putting things in
place to keep allowing each other to speak into those
different things. And like we said in the last
episode about future proofing, future proofing love is not
rigid and static. So the other part of all of this
is you don't set a rule and then that rule is so rigid that it's
there's actually fragile in its different way.
It's a flexible culture that we're building so that we
address things because these kinds of boundaries we've got in
place. Every situation is so, so vague.
It's not black and white. The black and white ones are
usually the ones you don't have to worry about so much because
it's so obvious that that's inappropriate.
It's the vague kind of moments where it's like, oh, I don't
know, I don't know. And that's where the
conversation comes in. But because we've had those
conversations, we know what to look out for.
And so we've got these little feelers out there, and instead
of us not having those and then winning ourselves in a much more
complicated situation. We've just seen so many
relationships around us fall to affairs as well, and we don't.
It's just like, cool, well, what are we actively doing to what
are? We doing to mean not to.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
And like I said, this is not just about lust or affairs or
infidelity. You can play this out for the
things that feel really not that big of a deal, like contempt.
That's a huge one. And the government and for
horsemen talk about how that is the most damaging red flag for a
relationship. And that's something that starts
small too. That's little bits of
bitterness, little bits of passive aggressivity, little
bits of like and. Not being addressed, not just
just. Holding all that stuff, it's the
same stuff. So you you have these little
things that you put in there as red flags or marker points or
whatever you want to call it to, to signal to each other.
You need to address this and then you address it together.
Yeah, yeah. So that's what it looks like in
real life. That's what accountability can
look like in real life in a relationship.
Some of the key principles for what accountability is, is
accountability is not about blame.
It's about integrity and strength in your relationship.
So it's not to be a blame game. And as much as there is the
element of ownership, like we said before, it's not a blaming,
shaming thing. It's trying to, it's trying to
reinforce your relationship and it's about integrity and
strength. So it's a positive thing.
When it becomes a blaming kind of thing and this like shame
culture, then it then actually starts to do the opposite to
what you want it to do. Accountability builds emotional
safety through being predictable, consistent,
constructive, having honest rhythms and behaviours.
And that's really important. The emotional safety and the
emotional predictability is something that is built over
time and it's only something that is built through action.
Like we said before, doesn't matter what you say, it doesn't
matter what you say if your actions aren't reinforcing it.
You can't build this. And it's so important for the
strength of your relationship to have that predictability and
that safety in order for you to feel like you can build and move
forward. And I think there have been
times where there's been a lack of predictability to like your
burnout, there was a lack of predictability that was around
your emotional regulation and then my emotional regulation and
the emotional regulation of our family.
And there will be times where it's difficult like that.
But our focus was getting back to that safety space.
And if we hadn't, I don't know how you have a healthy
relationship. Like how do you when you can't
predict or feel safe around your partner?
How do you have a healthy relationship ongoing?
Yeah, I mean for that too is you can just become numb.
You might not be. You might not feel safe.
Then you might feel silly that you don't feel safe, so you just
go numb. Yeah, go numb.
You, you just connect, you pull away, you find your safety and
predictability outside of each other.
You don't, you're not building together, You're building
individually at that point. Accountability also offers
structure in a relationship. It's a framework.
So it's, it's like putting up the frame of a house.
It, it isn't the house, but it's what you build the house around.
And so, you know, as a couple, this is what we've built our
relationship around. This is what we're building our
culture of our family around. And that helps you to stay
aligned, moving the same direction on the same team.
It helps you stay safe. Like we mentioned earlier, it
helps you even when no one is watching.
And that's what you were saying about the scene part is a really
important element of this because accountability is not
just what you're doing when other people are watching.
It's actually more important about what you're doing when no
one is watching. Something that's really
challenged me over the years and, and it's always been a
challenge and it still is even to do today, but it's not as
extreme of a challenge. It's just some a small thing I'm
aware of. But how I would parent my kids
when others were around was a big one.
You know, like I would be more frustrated when no one was
around than if people were around.
I'd put in more effort to be calm and pleasant because I want
people to feel like I'm a patient parent.
The reality is I'm not like, I mean, the reality is like kids
press my buttons. But also the reality is I have
my best times with the kids too. So you don't see all that stuff
that I'm very concerned about how people will see me there.
So. But when people are around, I am
seen. So yeah, it's it's that
challenge there. Yeah, to have it consistent.
Yeah, absolutely. And I've actually shared that
with the kids too. I'm like, and I've, I remember
one time specifically, I came home and I apologised.
Well, no, I didn't come home and I apologise.
I we were out, you know, I got home and I got frustrated and I,
and I later I talked to them. I'm like, look, I, I, this is
something I'm struggling with, you know, I'm, I just feel like,
yeah, I don't like this. I don't like that.
We've just been out and I've been, you know, all pleasant and
come home and just been frustrated.
I don't like that. And I wanna work on that.
So there's been a big part too is like identifying that that,
you know, this is a a struggle of mine communicating that, but
at the same time is like they're gonna see it again.
So just helping them know like that.
I'm I'm still working on this and I'm not, you know, it's just
that it's not that once off conversation with them, it's
like I ticked that box. I said that.
But they're not. And also the element of them not
owning that for you like they're not I'm.
Not it's not on them. Yeah, you've said it.
And then now they just have to remember that even though your
actions aren't backing that up. Like, yeah, that's yeah 'cause.
I know, I know. So our oldest boy, sometimes he
starts like, you know, you can see him starting to own it.
And I was just like, man, all right, look, I I appreciate you.
I love you. I love what you're trying to do.
But even just sharing, I just don't think it's healthy that
you take that on. This is my thing.
I love your support, but I I need to own this as well.
Yeah. Absolutely.
It's funny because I I wrestle with that, but I also wrestle
with the opposite. When I'm out in public, I find
myself embarrassed or like, overwhelmed by the thoughts of
what people are thinking of me, of my kids, sorry or but the
behaviour of my kids. So I'm more frustrated or more
on top of stuff than I would be if it was just me and there was
no one around. Yeah.
So it can work. Like, yeah.
And it can cause greater frustration because I'm just
like, oh man, I don't want to disturb people.
And the kids just don't know how to be quiet because they're just
still learning that at the end of the day, they're kids.
They're doing kid things. They're not doing anything
wrong. They're just being kids.
They're just us being able to regulate that situation.
Yeah, but it's a great, great example of that, like
recognising, oh, there's a difference between how I act or
how I feel like acting when I'm seen, when I'm on my own.
And yeah, I think that's I'm going to read what I wrote
because I felt like I got it. I nailed it.
It's something about accountability.
People can sometimes think subconsciously that it's a
performative thing, that it is wild people are looking and that
appearances are enough. And I'm here to say, Nope,
actually, it's the opposite. And what you do, how you are and
what you are and when you're not being viewed is the biggest
telltale sign of your relationship integrity and of
your integrity as a person. Accountability offers a
framework to help you stay aligned and on the same team,
but it also offer offers a framework for you to stay in as
an integral. You just say in integrity as a
person, as an individual, regardless of your relationship
status and regardless of if it's in front of people or not.
So we're going to move on to why does it actually matter in a
second? Yeah, but before we do, we just
wanted to share with you about a fundraiser that we're a part of.
We're a part of Man with a Pram, which is a national, Australian
national events that's happening around on Father's Day weekend.
We're raising funds to support dads in the perinatal period,
which is before birth and after birth.
Research shows that when dads are greatest supported in this
period, the whole family is more supported. 96% of mum's first
contact for help and support is the dad, but there's no help on
the support there for dads. So what?
We're on a mission with Dad's group and Man with the Pram to
bring a greater support for dads in the parental period to better
support the family. So if you'd like to join us, if
you'd like to donate, you can click on the link in the bio,
Donate to Honeymoon to chat on the Man with the Pram platform
and that'd be great support. You could also run your own
event by continuing on on the Man with the Pram website and
signing up. Yeah, great Father's Day
activity for anybody who doesn't yet have a plan.
The family events exactly forgot to mention that family event.
So it's a it's an awesome event too.
So we, we run our local 1 here on Father's Day weekend.
Families come together to get around dads and say, look,
you're not doing this alone. We've got your back.
Yeah, absolutely. Get on that.
We will link it into the description of this podcast.
Alrighty. So why does accountability can't
believe? Why does accountability actually
matter? So having accountability helps
you stop living in defence mode because you've already owned it.
It helps your partner relax because they don't have to chase
you, remind you or wonder if you've actually heard them and
actually, and also helps with that predictability we talked
about. They know who you are and they
know what they can trust and expect from you and they don't
have to be second guessing that all the time.
It helps you feel more like you and that's really important.
Not just about I'll do it for all the other people.
Accountability is so important for yourself because if you can
do what you've committed to do or be what you've committed to
be or whatever it is, you will feel so much more.
You will feel such a better sense of self and strength in
yourself and you're not going to be spiralling in that guilt or
that shame. You're not going to be hiding
away, feeling secretive, having parts of your brain where you're
like, I can't, I can't show you this part.
I can't show you this part. It's just clean self respect.
And that's really important for your sense of self and for your
mental health. It's huge.
And that also fully impacts how you show up in your
relationships, how you show up at work, how you show up in
life. It helps the relationship feel
lighter, so there's less resentment, there's less
bitterness, there's fewer emotional surprises and there's
a future and like a positivity and enjoyment.
And we've found this when like there's, there's some really
hard stuff that we have navigated in the accountability
space and some of it's been really tricky and yucky, but
every time we have a conversation about something
that we've navigated, I feel so much better.
Like straight away, even if it's like, oh, this is, I hate that
we're still navigating this. Even if it's a hard
conversation, Yeah. I feel so much better.
I feel so much more connected to you.
I feel doesn't sometimes trust is still affected because of
whatever's gone down, but it, it makes me that safety that we
talked about is there. So it makes me see the way
forward instead of this big secrecy bubble or this big like
hidden bubble is it doesn't help you see your future.
And so that's what accountability can do.
It makes your relationship feel lighter.
You become trustworthy. It's not because you're never
making mistakes. It's that people trust you.
You're predictable. They know what's going to happen
in how you navigate it, what your behaviours are, what your
reactions are. So you're trustworthy and that
again, impacts how you're showing up in your family.
You're also forming a culture within your family.
Accountability sets the tone for your family and that's really
important. You're forming your expectations
of each other. You're forming how you guys
navigate this and how you navigate everything else that
comes up as well. Also, if you have kids, you're
setting that example for them as well.
They're seeing what true accountability, I can't say that
word. They're seeing what true
accountability looks like, kind of like what you said in your
apology to them and and kind of sharing your struggle with them
about how you're reacting. They've seen that now and that's
can be a really beautiful thing when it's followed by what I.
Was going to say, is that it? The, The thing is, there's like,
all right, I had to really navigate through this.
I've I've communicated with them, but with that comes a
whole other level of questions, confusion.
You mean they're in an age where they're not really getting in?
Yeah. So they're still navigating
through it. So it's an ongoing thing.
As mentioned before, it's not just one conversation.
It's a commitment to working through that with them.
I'm owning it. I'm being responsible for my
actions and my responses. Yeah, and I think that's huge as
long as it's done in a constructive way and not in like
a dismissive or trying to just tick a box when then it's I feel
like, you know, everybody's going to be everyone's going to
have their things as a parent. And and it's scary to think
about the damage or the pain that we might cause that our our
kids. But I think if we're able to
show that side of us, that's one of the biggest gifts that we can
give and one of the biggest hopes because it doesn't really
matter. It does matter what you do, but
it, it adds an extra layer of value and relationship.
Basically accountability keeps your conscience clean and your
connection strong. That is why it actually matters
in relationship. So there's some common
misconceptions of what accountability is something
like, but I said sorry isn't that or not like, no, saying
sorry is not enough. Or I didn't mean to hurt them.
Like we said earlier, we need to mean not to hurt them.
Or I only acted like that because they did whatever.
And that's the defensiveness that we're talking about.
That's the blame game that we were talking about.
I only acted like that because this happened.
And that's not taking accountability of your own
actions. If it was that bad, they'd bring
it up. If it was that bad of a thing,
my partner would bring it up to me.
Waiting for that to happen is not accountable or fine.
I'll just try harder like that kind of like fine, you've nagged
me so I'll fix it or I won't do it again.
And that kind of that's again, not taking accountability or I'm
the worst. That shame victim mentality
spiral. I'm the worst.
I'm really bad at this thing. I'm the worst.
It's. Kind of like it's, it's not
guilt tripping. Well, it's kind of.
Guilt. It's kind of person.
Yeah, it's just like, I'm so bad, tell me how good I am, but
I'm so bad. And the one before like, fine,
I'll try harder. It's it's just when it's, it's
all about the way that you're saying it too.
Like, you know, we, we mentioned about when we tell our kids to
say sorry to each other, they just say it because then they
know that's what they were wanting them to say.
There's no meaning behind it. Words and not enough, You know,
you've actually got to mean these things.
And that that's a good example of what is enough in that place.
Because yes, when you hurt somebody, it is nice to say
sorry, but it's not OK to just say sorry.
No, So what I would word what I would do in this situation,
right, rather than just fine, I'll try harder.
It's like, all right, cool, I I hear you.
I will try harder. I'm going to try.
I'm going to put these things in place, right.
So it's like, and then and then that's the accountability.
It's like, you know, you can say to me, how are you going?
So with my mental health, right, I know.
And you know, if I'm not active, if I don't get outside, we work
from home, right? So we're always inside.
It's very hard to get like active because you, you miss out
on a lot of random little activities, right?
So walking from your house to your car, walking from your car
to the office, you don't get any of that, right?
Because you just at home and you know that for me, I need to be
out with, you know, nature, go for a walk over.
So, you know, with my mental health, it's like, all right,
cool. This is what I'm going to do
about it. I'm going to walk more.
I'm going to be more active. And when I'm when you feel like
I'm struggling, now you have something to just to check in.
It's like, Hey, how are you going with walking?
You don't come to me like, well, you're being super cranky,
you're being anxious, you're annoying us because you're doing
you. You come with specific like
questions to help me work through that situation because
you know of the accountability that I put in place with that
changing of and framing and meaning of what I'm trying to do
both now stronger to work on my situation.
I'm taking responsibility, but I'm not leaving you out in the
dark or the cold or like not knowing what's going on and now
doing this together. Yeah, and I think all of these
things require a curiosity about each other or an openness to
each other. So the, the sorry thing with the
kids, like for them to really understand what it is, they need
to think, oh, what did I do that hurt them?
How do they might they be feeling?
And that's where that piece is missing for them.
Like they're still building that muscle.
And that says, parents, what we can help them do be like, don't
just say sorry. Like, what did you do?
Like, how did that happen? Why did you do it?
That sort of thing, like the curiosity and yeah,
accountability, although I've said ownership like 500 times in
this episode, it is your ownership of the thing.
But there are times where accountability is I actually
can't do this on my own, like I'm not doing well on my own or
I'm spinning my wheels. So I'm seeking out
accountability to bring someone into this space to help me with
this. Not that they own it, I still
own it, but I'm not achieving what I want to achieve in this
space or I'm not bringing in the healing or the work or whatever.
So I need an external person and that's what the like The Walking
and stuff you are mostly, mostly you own that on your own anyway.
But there will be times where mental health is low and it's
almost, it feels almost impossible to remind yourself.
So that's where that team element comes in.
I'm not here to carry it for you or fix it for you, but the
openness and you bringing in an external accountability, which
we've done in our relationship to remind you or to like, yeah,
have that curiosity with you is important.
So it's not about you need to fix it on your own.
Don't you dare put it on anybody else.
That's not how this works. And you'll know at your core
what what's putting it on someone else or not.
All right, so everyday signs of missing accountability.
So here's some everyday signs of accountability being messed with
in a relationship. So you forget to follow through
on something and you quietly hope that they won't bring it
up. You spent money secretly and you
justified it in your head. This has happened for me where I
found myself and not huge things, but I've been like, Oh,
I'm I and we've talked about the financial thing when, when I had
the chunk of our savings in at my account and I was just like,
it was so overwhelming to me because I knew I just did not
have the discipline or the even the like piece to see through
it. So I ended up just be like, just
take it, just literally take it out of the account.
I don't want it there. And I would find myself not
flippantly buying stuff, but I would buy stuff and then see it
going down and be like, I feel, I feel bad about this.
So if you're finding yourself spending money, I know this is
such a specific one, but I think it happens quite a bit secretly.
And then justifying it or keeping it from your partner,
those kinds of things are a sign of missing accountability.
Finance is such a huge stress, stress on relationships, you
know, with that as well, like solid systems and processes or
even just like then is like, all right, I deal with finances,
like the stress of finances a little bit better than you do.
So I'll take that, you know, and and you take care of the bills
and such like we're we're working on this together as a
team is really important. So, you know, when were you, you
just sort of not that you did this intentionally, but you kind
of brushed over the finance thing as a small deal.
Oh, it's not actually, no. Finance for a lot of
relationships is the main stressor.
Yeah, yeah. And that's a really funny, good
example of it because I wasn't actually overspending or being
ridiculous with my finance. With my finance, some people
would and but I wasn't. But I was thinking I was.
Even the fact that I was feeling like I was and then feeling like
I was hiding or feeling like I was carrying this like burden
was enough to erode for me. So that that's when I got it
out. I was like, better.
So it's funny because accountability is not just about
what you're actually doing or the impact you're actually
having. Sometimes it's just like, I
think I might be doing this and that's enough of a, a flag to I
need to communicate about this sarcasm or shutting down instead
of naming something that's uncomfortable or something that
you need to name and address in your relationship.
Those kinds of communication patterns, the clumsy
communication that we've had in these other episodes.
That's actually a lack of accountability as well.
Brushing off a com, a comment or brushing off an an incident that
you know impacted your partner instead of checking in on how it
went. Ignoring that blatantly just
lying if you lie to your partner.
That's the lack of accountability.
Keeping something small to yourself and and intentionally
avoiding. Obviously not every detail needs
to be shared with your partner, but if there's something that
you are intentionally avoiding sharing with your partner
outside of a surprise birthday party or something like that,
asking, ask yourself what that is and why.
Because that to me is a marker for a lack of accountability,
finding your mind wandering into risky territory.
So imagining a life with someone else or over overly sexualizing
or fantasising about something. We talked about that already.
And my hot take on this is there's a world of difference
between noticing somebody is beautiful and then being
attracted to them. And that is a subtle difference
in your brain and what you do with the information that you're
feeding into your brain. You can't control what
information gets into your brain.
You can control what you do with that information and you should
be controlling that. So not actively putting things
in place to take ownership of your thoughts, regardless of the
topic is a lack of accountability.
Nursing quiet resentment. That contempt piece, we talked
about sliding into that contempt or comparison or bitterness or
whatever and not communicating about it, acting fine on the
outside, but internally shutting down or pulling away from your
relationship and really at the, at the core of it ultimately,
you know. What doesn't feel constructive,
You know what a lack of accountability is.
You know for you what that is in your relationship, in your
context. So common deflections people
might be putting out if they're struggling with accountability
is it's not that big of a deal or I'll fix it on my own.
I won't bring them in on it. I'm too stressed to deal with
that right now. They should just know bringing
it up will just make it worse. All of those kinds of
deflections can be signs of a lack of accountability.
And as we've mentioned mentioned earlier, and this is a really
important part, intentions and impact are really important to
discern between. Most of us will judge ourselves
by our own intentions. So what goes on in our
intentions internally, but we will judge other people by how
they impact us. And so that's important.
The actions and words are really important.
We might have a lot of grace for ourselves because we know we
intended to do this thing, and a lot less grace for someone by
how they acted towards us. But we need to be aware of and
true accountability is aware of owning the gap between your
intentions and how you acted. So on the flip side of this,
what does real accountability look like in a relationship in
practical examples? So someone coming to their
partner addressing, I've actually been remote really
emotionally checked out and I want to talk about that or I've
been really struggling with this thing in our relationship and I
just want to address that. That's a way of being
accountable or I made a financial decision that I regret
and I want to name it. That's something I've done one
year. I didn't put aside tax because I
was working for myself and I was new to working for myself.
So I do have a lot of grace. For like 3 months I was like,
yeah, we're gonna have a massive tax bill.
And I was so stressed and I held that back from talking to Blair
about it until finally I did. I think, I don't, I don't even
remember. And then turns out we actually
got money back so I didn't have to worry about it.
It was like such a relief. But I, it was weighing on me and
that was a lack of accountability.
I hadn't put things in place properly and then I was
stressing about it and then I wasn't talking about it.
So that's a lack of accountability.
And The thing is, I dealt with that.
He had done it as well done. That for years and but you
didn't talk to me about it was new for you and you just just
paralysed. You.
I was worried about how you would feel and how it would
affect us. Yeah, it paralysed me.
That's a good, but it's so an excuse.
I needed to be active in that space and I felt so much better
when I vocalised it. I remember this feeling of just
being like, Oh my gosh, I didn't at the time, I didn't know we're
going to get money back from tax.
I was still very stressed, but I felt better.
And that lighter thing that we talked about, the relationship
felt lighter. We felt like a team again.
Another example is I promised to watch my tone and I was really
snappy again. So I'm really sorry.
Or I promised that I wasn't going to react this way or I
wasn't going to talk this way and I did.
So I'm very sorry. Bringing anything to the table.
If something's flagging for you as you're crossing one of those
boundaries that we put in place and we've done this, be like,
I'm feeling a little bit off about this relationship or this
friendship or this situation or whatever.
So I'm just letting you know I'm putting this thing in place to
put a bit of distance there or to reinforce that boundary.
Bringing you're not just doing that action, you're also then
bringing it to your partner. And we've done this before with
our boundaries that we've got with people of the opposite
gender, spending time with them be like, I'm just letting you
know, I'm I've said this to this person, or I'm putting this in
place, or I've I've just alerted another person to be there so
that we're not in this thing alone or whatever it might be.
Could do those actions on our own.
But the actual conversation about it is where the
accountability really comes in and helps grow as well.
Or I want to let you know that I looked at content or I read this
book or I watched this movie, or I thought about this thing that
we agreed that we wouldn't. And so I'm sorry.
And this is what I'm doing about it.
So those are some ways that practical accountability can
look in a relationship. And just a few thoughts to
finish it. These are my edgy truths about
this. You can be technically right and
still lack accountability. So you can be technically right,
like I didn't mean to do this or I didn't, whatever, but lack
accountability because you're not communicating about it,
you're hiding something, you're not being upfront and you're not
owning it. So you can technically be right
and still be lacking accountability.
You don't need to make a mistake to take responsibility or own
something. So you don't have to wait till
you're making mistakes to actually own that thing instead
of like our kids saying I didn't mean to.
You can mean not to and should mean not to.
What patterns have you already identified before they come back
again? Right.
And So what can, what can you do from here?
It's like, all right, I keep on into that area, so before it
happens again, I know about it. What can I do now to prevent it
again? Exactly.
I'll work on preventing it in the future.
Yeah, another one is true love requires true accountability
even when people aren't looking. And this is really important.
Real, solid, strong relationships require real,
solid, strong accountability, regardless of who's looking,
regardless if your partner notices, regardless if other
people are seeing it. And last one, you can't love
deeply if you're hiding something.
You can't love deeply and completely if you're holding
things back from your partner. And again, you're the one that's
going to know what that is. Things aren't black and white,
but you'll know inside you will have something tweaking that for
you. So that's accountability.
I've just got a few reflection things for you to ask yourselves
today, and I want us to ask ourselves as well.
What is something that you're quietly excusing and you haven't
communicated about? Is there a gap between who
you're wanting to be and how you're actually showing up in
your relationship in life? IA 100% end this.
There's a huge gap between who I'm wanting to be and how I'm
showing up in a lot of areas of life.
That's a lack of accountability. Or where am I waiting to be
called out for instead of stepping out and stepping up
myself? What is the thing I'm waiting to
be caught in rather than stepping out and addressing it
myself? Something you can try today with
your partner is sitting down and saying, look, we're OK.
But I've noticed something in myself that I want to talk about
before it becomes a bigger thing.
Or, you know, I know I brushed this thing off that was
important to you. Can we come back to that?
I want to see how you're going, whatever that might be.
Addressing something gently. What is amazing about this is
when you can address something before it's a mistake again.
Like that's what you just mentioned.
It's so much better, like it's almost no partner is going to be
upset at you trying to be proactive.
It might not be comfortable, but everybody appreciates
proactivity and if you can address that in a nice, calm way
today before it's a big thing, then you'll find yourself having
a much clearer conversation about it.
So that is accountability. It's about taking ownership,
it's a culture and it's not about fixing all these things.
I feel like I say this in every episode now.
You don't need to fix everything that we've just listed.
It's little things at a time. It's bringing little patterns
and behaviours and rhythms into your relationship at a time to
address this and strengthen this, so that years down the
track, instead of continuing to move this way slowly, you're
starting to move closer together slowly.
I think a really big thing to realise here is accountability
isn't about being perfect, it's about growing.
It's about being honest while you grow.
That's something as well. It's really important for you to
be aware of, OK, We're just being proactive.
We're being intentional with our growth individually and
together. If we focus in on ourselves
individually, it helps us as we approach our relationship
growth. So just wanna encourage you
guys, this is a lot of stuff here.
Write in, tell us how you're going.
We love write insurance guys. We love hearing that we share a
lot about our journey. Again, you're gonna see more in
our YouTube of those journeys of how we're now they're getting
through a lot of this stuff. Head on over there, but write
in, let us know because we love, we love that feedback to just
we're in this together. And that's just that's just an
awesome part of of doing this journey is doing it with you.
Absolutely. So.
Thank you so much for tuning in, guys, and we'll catch you next
week. See you chat.