1 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:15,960 Honey, we need to chat. Hey guys, welcome back to 2 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,000 another episode of Honey. We need to chat. 3 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,960 Yes, welcome. If you've ever overthought a 4 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,400 text message or laid in bed wide awake wondering if your 5 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,280 partner's vibe is off and something's wrong, then today 6 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,120 this is for you. This is for. 7 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,960 You we're gonna dive into a topic today that is very 8 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:35,560 relevant to pretty much every couple and can really be a 9 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,240 foundational reason why communication might be 10 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,920 struggling in your relationship. So why communication might be 11 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,400 struggling in your relationship. So stick around. 12 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:46,120 Yeah, and another reason communication could struggle in 13 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,480 your relationship is because someone in your relationship 14 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:51,800 might be sick. I might Amy's quite sick. 15 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,360 She's a trooper. She's come onto this podcast 16 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,560 ready and raring and. Mumbling. 17 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:02,240 Mumbling, but yeah, this is really our heart behind this 18 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:06,040 podcast guys, is to work through communication. 19 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,600 We believe that when communication and relationship 20 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,240 dies or struggles, that's when bad things happen in a 21 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,760 relationship. The importance of communication 22 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,600 in terms of clearer communication or understanding 23 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,280 the other person when receiving communication is so such an 24 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,440 important and vital part to every relationship. 25 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:27,160 So this is what we're about. So we do the podcast here. 26 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,280 Amy has also created some resources, free resources for 27 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,200 you guys onto our website at honeymoon to chat.com. 28 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,880 You can go check that out. Free downloads there, but 29 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,200 amazing stuff just to get you guys started. 30 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:41,400 But she's also started a coaching course now too. 31 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,600 So you can catch up with Amy one on one. 32 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,240 The females, you can catch up with Amy one on one for that, 33 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,720 which is another amazing thing that she's doing in this space. 34 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,880 And again, we're very passionate about it. 35 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,320 So what are some things that you would be working with women on 36 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,080 in this space? Yeah, we're working a lot about 37 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,480 the things that sit behind the decisions that we make in life 38 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,880 or the patterns that we're seeing play out in our lives. 39 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,480 And so women are exploring some of the stuff that might be 40 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,199 keeping them stuck or might be keeping them in repeating 41 00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:12,280 patterns, might be keeping them in a place where they're not 42 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,680 understanding what would be bringing their life to the 43 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,320 fullest. So there's lots of things like 44 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:20,000 looking at the defining moments that sat behind who we are, are 45 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,400 and would have created us to be the way that we are, the stories 46 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,480 we tell ourselves, the internal conversations. 47 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,960 And I've got a really exciting, completely custom built by 48 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,000 myself, which I'm really excited and proud about. 49 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,600 Programme coming out in June, all about body image. 50 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,760 And it's going to be super practical in terms of actually 51 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:38,800 shifting this for people. So watch the space as well. 52 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,240 But yeah, definitely there to do one on one sessions with anyone 53 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,920 who wants to just explore this stuff a little bit more. 54 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:48,240 You can book in for a free clarity session, which is the 55 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,880 initial session I go through with clients, and you can also 56 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,320 check out the group coaching programmes that are available 57 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,200 there. Yeah, and sorry men, I don't run 58 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,680 any of these sessions for you at this stage, but like a big heart 59 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,640 of ours as well. So yeah, we we're doing the 60 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,600 podcast, you're doing your coaching stuff. 61 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,160 Something that we want to work towards as well is couples 62 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:09,760 retreats so that we can work with couples together about. 63 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:13,520 Yeah, again, there's having an intentional week or weekend to 64 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:18,200 really grow and equip each other with tips and tricks and tools 65 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,600 for your toolkits and your relationships. 66 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,120 That's something that we want to grow and work towards. 67 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,760 So if you would like to support us in this endeavour, please 68 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,240 just do the basic like share, subscribe. 69 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,640 That's what that's the stage we're up to at the moment, just 70 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:35,800 getting the word out there of this, these amazing resources 71 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,640 and so forth. So please get on to that. 72 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,360 That'd be absolutely amazing. Yeah, cool. 73 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,080 This is actually and that that's a fast one, by the way. 74 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,480 That's a little bit of us, but we have been busy little bees. 75 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:48,840 Yes, we have. Yes. 76 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,680 In what? Well, I was just like, this is 77 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,440 the first night time. Oh yeah, recording that we've 78 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,520 done in a long. We have been busy and not 79 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,000 questioning that, I'm just wondering which of the busiest? 80 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:03,120 Yeah, exactly. So we usually record during the 81 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:06,480 week, but we've just been flat out, I've been in webinars all 82 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,920 this, all this week or most of this weeks, which is when we 83 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,160 usually record. Today we were filling out all 84 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,080 new lights in our house because our lights were giving us 85 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,079 seizures because they're all flickering on and off. 86 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:18,560 Yeah. So my uncle came around and 87 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,240 helped us with that. But you've also been doing some 88 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,080 stuff as well. Tell us, what have you been 89 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,320 doing? Yes, I have been rehearsing. 90 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,480 I'm in the final weeks of rehearsing for the musical that 91 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,760 I am a part of, which I'm really excited about. 92 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,280 It's come from away. If you've heard of it, you love 93 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,640 it, and if you haven't heard of it, you're gonna love it when 94 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,920 you watch it. And it's basically this amazing 95 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,720 story of community coming together during September 11th, 96 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,160 but it's community in a tiny little island off of Canada that 97 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,920 all of a sudden their population doubled because all these 98 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:52,000 aeroplanes got diverted there when the twin towers were 99 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,880 attacked. And so this community out of the 100 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,600 blue gets told they're going to have to house 7000 people, which 101 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,160 is double their population with no support or help from anybody 102 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,440 basically. And they all pull together and 103 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,240 make it happen. And it's, it's such a unique 104 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,080 musical. We were talking, we were talking 105 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,200 in an interview on Friday, actually, with the local 106 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,400 newspaper and just trying to explain how unique it is because 107 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:18,440 it's just super dynamic. It's really like, it's done in 108 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:22,760 such a magical way, yeah, where each actor is playing multiple 109 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,880 characters and we're literally switching characters on stage in 110 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,320 front of everybody while we're moving the set around and 111 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,120 changing clothes and changing accents. 112 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,440 And it's just it's really dynamic and beautiful. 113 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,400 I remember when you first showed me or started showing me the 114 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,920 show and then you were telling me about it. 115 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,440 My dad. It didn't sound. 116 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:42,000 Yeah, it doesn't sound great, but it's one of my favourite 117 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,680 musicals now they're. Watches are all. 118 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,880 So many times with the kids as well. 119 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,720 The kids love it too. Yeah, but it's absolutely 120 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:52,400 amazing. And I have never cried during 121 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:56,760 the musical until this musical. Like, it is powerful and which 122 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,120 is very strange. I wasn't expecting it from when 123 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,760 you're explaining it. Especially because it's 124 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,160 powerful, but it's also so funny and light. 125 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,960 Like it's not a real heavy, tragic kind of feel, even though 126 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,880 it's a tragic instance that happened and it's true stories. 127 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,080 It's just incredible. So if you're local to us, please 128 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,120 consider coming and watching come from away. 129 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,280 You can check it out via the link in our bio. 130 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,680 We'll we'll link that up there and put some posts on our social 131 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,560 media. Definitely recommend. 132 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,840 It's going live at the end of May, the beginning of June. 133 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,800 So that is what I have been busy three nights a week plus more 134 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,760 trying to prepare for. And yes. 135 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,760 But you've been doing amazing, though. 136 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,040 So Amy, just a history for you guys. 137 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,640 When Amy and I met, Amy was really into drama and so forth 138 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,760 and got accepted into a acting school in Hawaii. 139 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,400 Yeah. And I wasn't for that. 140 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,480 Like honestly, I wasn't for long distance where I was at that 141 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,400 stage, we were. Before we started dating that I 142 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,640 was accepted. Yeah, exactly right. 143 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,600 Yeah, so and so she's put that essentially on hold for ever 144 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,880 since then. So 10 years. 145 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,760 We just had our 10 year anniversary and she's finally 146 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,920 getting into this in a major, major role and you're doing so 147 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:04,520 well. Like it's just, it's just great. 148 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,440 And we're really excited to watch you too. 149 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,440 So get onto that guys. It's gonna be a lot of fun. 150 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,920 And maybe instead of the like 2 seconds we've just talked about 151 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:15,160 it, listen to our we've we spoke about it in one of our episodes 152 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,640 where we talk about our story a lot. 153 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,520 Yeah, Blair wasn't telling me not to go chase my dream. 154 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,440 Just to be really clear. If that triggered you, use that 155 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,040 as motivation to go listen to the other episode where we 156 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,000 explain it all. I'm not. 157 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,000 I'm not a jerk most of the time. Yeah, Come from a way. 158 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,840 Come and watch it. Come from a way to come and 159 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:32,720 watch it. Yeah. 160 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:37,640 All right, so today we're diving into a really dynamic topic. 161 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:42,760 And actually you came up with this topic idea and you stumbled 162 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,600 onto it. And I'm curious if you can share 163 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,360 why it triggered as an idea for something for us to talk. 164 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,400 So someone shared it with me and so it wasn't something I've just 165 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,480 stumbled across. Someone shared with me as a good 166 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,560 topic and then I started exploring it more and I'm like, 167 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,280 oh, this is, this is actually really important to be aware of 168 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,560 from for myself, but also for for our listeners because it was 169 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,160 such AI actually hadn't heard of this stuff before. 170 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,280 But I think it's quite common and we're going to get into it. 171 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,720 So I'm being quite vague, but I think it's quite common. 172 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,160 But for me, it was one of those kind of like the mental load 173 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:16,320 episode, like it was a light bulb moment of like, oh, that's 174 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,520 what I'm doing. So yeah, it was a good one. 175 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,800 Yeah. So tonight we're going to be 176 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:24,040 talking about attachment styles and how that might play out in 177 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,560 your relationships. Everybody has an attachment 178 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,720 style, so it's relevant to every single person. 179 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:33,240 And the dynamic, the dynamical part I'm going to stand on that 180 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,640 comes in when you're interacting with multiple, you have multiple 181 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:41,159 people in your relationship and both of you have different 182 00:08:41,159 --> 00:08:44,240 backgrounds and upbringings that are going to have shaped you 183 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,120 differently and will be playing out differently. 184 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,000 And so that's why it's important for couples to be aware of 185 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,760 because this shapes relationships and it shapes how 186 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,280 you do conflict. It shapes how you do like 187 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,120 quality time together. It shapes a lot of your 188 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,320 reactions to each other. And a lot of people don't have 189 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:06,240 like a super clear conscious awareness of why they play that 190 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,760 out. They might have like some 191 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,640 awareness. But yeah, we're going to dive 192 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,560 into it tonight because we think it's really important to be 193 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,880 aware of so that you can name it and you can put things in place 194 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,120 to work as a team in a better way when. 195 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,160 We're aware of these things. It strengthens the way that we 196 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,520 communicate because we have a greater understanding of why 197 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,720 we're reacting that way. Yeah, exactly. 198 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,720 So attachment styles are things that are that patterns that 199 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,600 started being built from our early childhood. 200 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,320 And it's based on our attachment to our caregivers. 201 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:37,360 And it influences how we see relationships, It influences how 202 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,480 we navigate conflict, how we express our needs, how we 203 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,600 respond to emotional threats and how we see closeness with our 204 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,040 anybody. But in your, in your romantic 205 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,560 relationship, that plays out big time. 206 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,800 And there are lots and lots of styles and you could get really, 207 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,680 really detailed, which we're not going to do tonight. 208 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,280 And there's also a lot of like combinations. 209 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,840 So you might hear anxious avoidant. 210 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,200 But tonight we're just going to do the three main ones, which is 211 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,720 secure, anxious and avoidant. And if we focus on those ones, 212 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:07,560 it'll give us a foundation to then look into it further as we 213 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,520 go. And after this episode for you 214 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,880 to look into it further. We're also going to have a free 215 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,600 resource on our website specifically about this to help 216 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,200 you workshop what we talk about a little bit more so we can go 217 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,680 into more detail there. But tonight we're just going to 218 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:23,760 be focusing on the top three ones, secure, anxious and 219 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:27,280 avoidant. So when you're developing your 220 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,880 attachment style, it's not just about if you feel loved or don't 221 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,760 feel loved. It's about the consistency 222 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:36,840 within your upbringing and the consistency from your caregiver. 223 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,800 It's about the emotional attunement that you have with 224 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:43,360 your caregiver and especially during stress or need. 225 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,680 So it's not just about did we have loving good times, it's 226 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:51,520 actually about how were we in stressful times, How was I care 227 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,600 for, cared for in stressful and needing times. 228 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,760 And to me as a parent, that is the most challenging part of 229 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,080 this all because it is really significant. 230 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,880 But one thing I do want to say as we dive into this is it's not 231 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,000 about blaming your parents necessarily. 232 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,160 Not to downplay a traumatic upbringing, but it's also 233 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:13,200 important not for us to just be like, our parents ruined us 234 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,800 because they didn't do this, this and this when a lot of the 235 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,400 time our parents were just doing the best that they could, same 236 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,960 as we're going to be doing now. And as a mom reading through 237 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,000 this stuff when we're preparing today, I was like. 238 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,960 Yeah, and a big part of these things to like the blame game is 239 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,520 just not OK. And we had to take that 240 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,640 responsibility on ourselves of like, cool, all right, well, 241 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:36,400 these could be the reasons why I'm reacting this way or 242 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,280 whatever, but it's up to me now to do something about it. 243 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,240 So there is a responsibility. On our side, yeah. 244 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,360 The the blame game, if you want to call it that, is a really 245 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:48,560 misguided trap to fall into because it actually just keeps 246 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,200 you stuck. Yeah, it doesn't. 247 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,320 Mean more than someone else. Exactly. 248 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,840 Yeah. So it's not, it's, it's not to 249 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:58,240 downplay that someone can do something to you that you had no 250 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,280 control over and it really has affected you. 251 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,880 That's not to downplay that part of it. 252 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:05,240 But it, our whole point, our whole culture on this podcast is 253 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:09,880 we want to uplift people to do like take the reins where they 254 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:13,240 can and, and implement what they can in the ownership of their 255 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,760 part of the issue. And in this situation, that's 256 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:17,560 what we're talking about. Yeah. 257 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,640 Becoming aware of these patterns, aware of where they 258 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,200 came from, but then mostly aware of how they're playing out for 259 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,480 you and how they might be playing out in your 260 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,440 relationship. So yeah, it's about, it's about 261 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,360 how you're raised, not just the love, but also about the 262 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:32,280 consistency, about how you were cared for when you needed help, 263 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,920 about how your your family navigated stress, that sort of 264 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,080 thing. And the reason is that children 265 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,480 in early childhood cannot regulate their emotions alone. 266 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,880 And so they need to Co regulate with an adult with their 267 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,200 caregiver, sorry. And that process is what starts 268 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,880 to wire their expectations of relationships. 269 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,560 So what they experience in that process where they're Co 270 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:58,800 regulating wires their brain physically to expect certain 271 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:02,120 things from relationships. So we're going to dive into a 272 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,560 little bit of where attachment styles started. 273 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:09,320 So John Balby was a British psychologist who developed the 274 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,800 foundational ideas of attachment theory. 275 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:15,120 I'm reading this by the way. There is no way I can remember 276 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,680 this sort of stuff. But he believed that early bonds 277 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:20,520 between a child and their caregiver are crucial for the 278 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,880 child's emotional development. He proposed that children are 279 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,840 biologically wired to seek closeness to a caregiver for 280 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:31,080 safety, survival and especially in times of stress. 281 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,760 Yeah. And we definitely see this with 282 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,200 their own kids, like how much they cling to us. 283 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,920 And sometimes there's, like, too much, man. 284 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,440 But how special it is as as well. 285 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:44,400 Like we are, they're people, you know, like they, we're the ones 286 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:48,080 that they come to. But also, Mary Ainsworth was an 287 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,440 American Canadian psychologist who expand. 288 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,560 So this is later on they expanded on Balby's work. 289 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,720 I don't know if I'm pronouncing these names right by the way, 290 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:59,360 but they're fun to say. She conducted the famous strange 291 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,880 situation study where she observed how infants responded 292 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:05,960 to separations and reunions with their caregiver. 293 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:10,800 From this, she identified 3 main attachment styles, secure 294 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:14,040 attachment, anxious attachment and avoid an attachment. 295 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,840 So together, Balby and Ainsworth helped helped show that the way 296 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:20,160 we bond in early childhood can deeply affect how we relate to 297 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,760 others throughout life. Yeah, exactly. 298 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,640 So we just wanted to highlight kind of where the actual 299 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,200 framework or the theory of it came from. 300 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,840 And that's why we now have the words to put to this. 301 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,680 I guess they they've done these studies and seen how kids relate 302 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:38,480 to their connection with their parents and then further on into 303 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,920 their emotional connection in other relationships. 304 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,240 So these patterns do not stay in childhood. 305 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,000 They started noticing that actually, oh, it plays out as 306 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:51,240 you become an adult and it plays out in dating, marriage, 307 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,440 parenting. It plays out in texting, in 308 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,240 arguments. It plays out in your work 309 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,480 situations. It plays out in a lot of 310 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,360 different relationship based spheres of life. 311 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,280 Hence, again, why it's so important for us to be working 312 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,600 on this. So just to quickly run through 313 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,240 those three main ones that we spoke about. 314 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,440 So there's secure attachment, and this seems fairly 315 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,040 straightforward. That's when you're the child 316 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,720 back when they were being caregiver, caregiver by their 317 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:21,320 caregiver logic and colds, the caregiver. 318 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,120 That's when a caregiver was mostly responsive, warm and 319 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:27,280 consistent, where comfort was given when they were distressed 320 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,120 and delight when they were calm, where there were safe boundaries 321 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,800 and emotional availability. So basically exactly kind of 322 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:38,480 what it sounds like, secure. And that in that process, the 323 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:42,200 child then learns that when I'm upset, someone shows up or my 324 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,880 needs are valid and I can express them safely, or I am 325 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:47,520 lovable and others are trustworthy. 326 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:51,240 So really important foundational lessons about what relationship 327 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,240 is like. And then as an adult, as they 328 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,440 grow, you can see that playing out for them in that they are 329 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,920 comfortable with both closeness and independence. 330 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,240 So they can be close and they can be independent and that's a 331 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,240 comfort for them. It's not a an area of anxiety. 332 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,840 They can communicate clearly and repair after conflict. 333 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,920 They can seek connection without fear or pressure. 334 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,600 And so you can probably list off the top of your head a few 335 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,000 people that you're like, I feel like they're very well adjusted. 336 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,000 They probably have secure attachment. 337 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,160 A note here as well is that no parent is perfect and I needed 338 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:27,200 to add this note for myself. No parent is perfect and secure 339 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:31,800 attachment can form even from imperfect but consistent care. 340 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:35,160 So you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. 341 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,200 And you don't have to stress about that because there's a lot 342 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,520 of grace there, but the consistency of coming back and 343 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,680 apologising and being aware and having that kind of healthy 344 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:46,840 relationship is what's important. 345 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,760 What's what was fascinating when I was looking into this and 346 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:54,120 getting this episode ready was I did the test, which we can link 347 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,560 people to later, but I fell into the secure attachment style 348 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,680 part, right? But I was reflecting on that and 349 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:05,079 I'm like, I actually think I can score that now because of being 350 00:17:05,079 --> 00:17:08,160 married to you, because of the other part that like sort of my 351 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:12,440 second one was avoidant 'cause I would cut off, right? 352 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,599 I would cut people off. And I would do that quite a lot. 353 00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:18,560 And I was so aware of it though. And I feel like I've, it kind of 354 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,440 set me on the path of I need to work on my stuff because I don't 355 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,359 want that to be my reality in my marriage. 356 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:27,240 And so I feel like that's actually changed after 10 years 357 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,240 of marriage. Not not like, yeah, no anything 358 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,720 else. Yeah, it's interesting that you 359 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,920 say that because down the track in today's episode, we're gonna 360 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,440 talk about what I think mine is. And it's a similar kind of thing 361 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:42,200 how it can just because you've got one attachment style doesn't 362 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,800 mean it play has like once you put it like, yeah, intentional 363 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,960 effort in, it can actually adjust. 364 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,000 So watch this space. But good note on that one also. 365 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,200 You're welcome. I've put in so much work. 366 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,920 No, you just felt super secure after we got together. 367 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,320 All right, so the next one is anxious attachment. 368 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,880 So this anxious attachment is when a child in early childhood 369 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:08,960 experiences inconsistent caregiving, sometimes nurturing, 370 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:13,200 sometimes unavailable emotional needs are sometimes dismissed or 371 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:18,320 overreacted to to inconsistent. And then through that, the child 372 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,600 learns that they need to try harder to be loved. 373 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,760 And that connection can disappear at any moment. 374 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:27,440 And then that then plays out as an adult in fears of abandonment 375 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,600 or rejection in over focuses on others tones, mood or 376 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,520 availability and may over function in complex to regain 377 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,600 close closeness. So they're like close, get 378 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:42,320 close, get close kind of thing and very aware of how other 379 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,600 people are feeling. And then the third one that we 380 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,800 mentioned is avoidant attachment, which is what you've 381 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,200 just said as well. And that's when the child 382 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,840 experiences in early childhood emotionally distant caregivers, 383 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,360 they're encouraged to suppress emotion or be self reliant. 384 00:18:57,360 --> 00:19:00,520 And through that, they then learn that my needs are too much 385 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,800 or it's safer to just not need anybody. 386 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,040 And then that plays out as an adult and they feel more safe 387 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,880 with emotional distance and they struggle to express needs or 388 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,440 tolerate emotional vulnerability. 389 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:16,880 And that kind of cut off sort of reaction to fear and 390 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,920 relationship. What's really sending out to me 391 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,560 from you Reading out to these, I can see our kids. 392 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:26,080 Yeah, I know. And that's very confronting. 393 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,280 I know, you know, and I know like so when you read through 394 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:33,240 the anxious attachment one, that inconsistency, I'm like, oh man, 395 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,440 that's me. Like I, you know, I really 396 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,440 struggle with that consistency of we're chatting today about 397 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:43,320 how I get quite overwhelmed and I get, I've assimilated and then 398 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,800 I just react and I can see, I can see our kids responding to 399 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:50,200 that for sure. Yeah, it is a confronting thing 400 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,280 to hear as a parent, 'cause I was thinking the same about 401 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,800 myself. But we're aware of it. 402 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,560 Yeah, that's really. And that's what we can do. 403 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,960 And that's, that's, that's the most important part of this is 404 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,680 being aware of it first. Like really having that self 405 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,160 reflection even in your marriage or your relationship with your 406 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,960 partner or whatever. Not just as a parent, but it's 407 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,560 so important to be reflective on this and seeing, well, what am I 408 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,600 contributing here? And, and honestly, there's a 409 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,760 part of me that wants to go on this downward spiral of like, 410 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,600 I'm the worst dad because I've definitely gone down the spiral 411 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:22,320 before. But again, just thinking back to 412 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,080 you though, you know what I just said to you before, I really 413 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,520 believe that before marriage, I was struggling with avoidant, 414 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,320 you know, like that was just my thing. 415 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,240 That's what I that's that's how I naturally responded. 416 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,920 But now I don't. And that gives me hope, right? 417 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,920 That shows me the change over 10 years. 418 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,320 Like it's 10 years. That's a long time, but it's 419 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,800 changed. It has changed. 420 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,840 And so, yeah, if we don't recognise it, if we don't self 421 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,720 reflect, then we can't do anything about it. 422 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,640 And that gives me excitement even to be like, no, that's not, 423 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,440 I don't have to be like that forever. 424 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:55,800 What can I do now? Yeah. 425 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,960 And on a random little side note that we're not going to dive 426 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,800 into too much, I was thinking about how because the 427 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,720 description of anxious attachment is sometimes 428 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,440 nurturing, sometimes unavailable and inconsistent. 429 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:12,560 And I was thinking, I wonder what this generation of children 430 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:16,000 are going to experience with parents who have phones because 431 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,440 we're so often just like in our little zombie state around them, 432 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,920 even more than we realise. Like I feel like I am aware that 433 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,120 I'm on my phone too much, but some people are on their phone 434 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,600 and they don't even know it. As in like some people might be 435 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,280 like, no, I'm really intentional with not being on my phone. 436 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,880 But there's still these times we're just staring at a box in 437 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,280 our hand and the kids grow up knowing what it is. 438 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,640 Our toddler knows what it is. He knows it's my phone and that 439 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,400 I spend a lot of time on it. And so I wonder if that's going 440 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:44,760 to even in really secure relationships, I wonder if the 441 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:49,120 phone dynamic is going to add to anxious attachments at all. 442 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,160 Really fascinating. Anyway, So again, not to get 443 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:56,640 like down on ourselves, it's just awareness is so freeing. 444 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,600 And that's why I love coaching and that's why I love this 445 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,640 podcast because every little thing you learn about yourself 446 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,680 is one more piece of like one more tool in your toolkit, one 447 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,600 more like step you're taking forward to learn these things. 448 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,360 So this is just an awareness thing. 449 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,280 It hurts sometimes, but it's really important. 450 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,600 So those are the three we're talking about, secure, anxious 451 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,360 and avoidant. And it's more than likely that 452 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,920 you have a mismatch in your relationship or some kind of 453 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,880 combination. And so then understanding the 454 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,760 tendencies is really important for them working through 455 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,880 communication in every other area that we've listed. 456 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,400 So as I mentioned before, I definitely lean towards anxious 457 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,800 attachment. And I've known that for a little 458 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,440 while. I always heard anxious 459 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,640 attachment and I actually spent like maybe a year or two ago, I 460 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,960 like spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what is my 461 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,840 attachment style and it was really helpful. 462 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,160 And probably the last, I mean, since we got married, really 463 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,840 it's been a slow progression of just developing. 464 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,960 But then really in the last couple of years I've just been 465 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:59,040 like, I cannot keep just spending so much emotional 466 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,800 energy in these places that weren't helpful. 467 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,360 Anyway, when I was going through it to prepare for this episode, 468 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:08,520 I realised that I definitely lean towards anxious attachment. 469 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,720 But I think I've moved through this like process of our 470 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,520 relationship and, and being in a safe space and then learning 471 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,960 about myself, moved into an earned security. 472 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,760 So the phrase I came across was anxious attachment with earned 473 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,480 security. So that might be the same thing 474 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,640 for you, like avoid an attachment with earned security. 475 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,640 And I think meaning that through that process, you've earned the 476 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,720 security or the secure, sorry, earned, earned secure. 477 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,680 So you've earned the secure attachment even though it wasn't 478 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,200 necessarily the the foundation that you had. 479 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,920 So I'm definitely still really sensitive to the anxious 480 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,280 attachment stuff. And it's not about fixing it 481 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,160 either, by the way. It's not about like making these 482 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,640 things go away. You're probably always going to 483 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,920 have, that's how your brain naturally will go. 484 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,120 But it's about, oh, I'm moving towards this, I'm bringing it 485 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,720 back, I'm bringing it back. Yeah, it's empowering you to 486 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,920 actually process and and navigate through that situation. 487 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,440 Yeah, exactly. So how you might notice your own 488 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:06,600 attachment style playing out in your life. 489 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,240 These are just a few examples of everyday moments that you might 490 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,040 see it playing out if you want to kind of get a gauge of what 491 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,040 yours might be. Secure means you're comfortable 492 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:18,320 with space and closeness and you assume good intent. 493 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,320 That's a really good one. Because when I read that, I was 494 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,200 like, I never assume good intent. 495 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,320 I don't always assume bad intent, but I always assume some 496 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,280 kind of intent. But just I know these people 497 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,880 that are always like, yeah, I assume good, good intent and it 498 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,960 so that's, that's how it might play out for you as an adult. 499 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,000 You're comfortable with space, but you're also comfortable with 500 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:39,160 emotional closeness. And you might assume good 501 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:42,960 intent, anxious attachment, might feel panicked by silence 502 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,280 or mood changes, might need frequent reassurance. 503 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,840 If you find yourself seeking reassurance often in 504 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,040 relationships, this might be playing out for you. 505 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:54,000 And so then avoid an attachment. You might see that playing out 506 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,320 by avoiding emotional vulnerability with people. 507 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,920 It's interesting for me though, because I also avoid emotional 508 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:03,600 vulnerability with people. Like I love connecting, but if I 509 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:07,320 I well for a time if I found people were getting like too 510 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,320 connected to me, it freaked me out. 511 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:14,240 Like I even people I really want to be in a relationship with, I 512 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:16,200 was like, I can't. I don't know how to express that 513 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:17,920 I like you. Yeah, but I think this is really 514 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,320 important. Like we've gone through other 515 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:22,840 things like the four the governments for horsemen, the 516 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,240 five other languages and stuff, and it doesn't. 517 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,480 It's a framework it. Is it's a framework and you're 518 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,840 gonna flip out into other ones. You'll have a little bit of each 519 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,120 one. It's not that this is you, you 520 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,480 know, you're the anxious one. It's not you're going to fit 521 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,640 into all of these difference in some way. 522 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,000 Yeah, exactly. And as I actually said and 523 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,680 already forgot for myself, there's combinations so that you 524 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,680 often hear people say I'm an anxious avoidant. 525 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:48,840 What does that mean? We'll find out later. 526 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,600 But yes, an avoidant attachment playing out in adulthood would 527 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:55,440 probably be avoiding vulnerability or preferring 528 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,560 distance or being a bit more task focused. 529 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,920 And then during conflict, some of the ways you might see these 530 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,760 things playing out is if you're secure, you might stay really 531 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:07,080 grounded or express yourself very clearly and enjoy like be 532 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:11,640 seeking repair with people. If you're anxious, you might be 533 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:16,520 chasing connection in conflict. So like overcompensating for a 534 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,720 sense of conflict and feeling like you need to reach out and 535 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,520 make sure it's fine over explaining yourself or 536 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,560 spiralling. And then if your avoidance, you 537 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:28,800 might find in conflict that you just shut down Stonewall ish, 538 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,720 you might withdraw or escape emotionally. 539 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,280 And that's probably where that cut off thing comes in as well. 540 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:38,280 No, I'm done and it's not instead of being like I'm 541 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,880 cutting them off because I'm actually really emotionally hurt 542 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,800 by this, I'm cutting them off because they're not, I don't 543 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,320 need them that kind of like attitude. 544 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,560 And these are all protective strategies. 545 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,640 They're not character flaws. It's really important not to be 546 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,680 like, Oh yeah, that's that's my weakness. 547 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,240 They're protective strategies that were learnt, unfortunately 548 00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:00,000 in a time where we learnt what we learnt because we needed what 549 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,280 we needed and we may or may not have been receiving that. 550 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,640 So not something to be done about. 551 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,560 And the reason it matters in relationships, which goes 552 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:11,440 probably mostly without saying, is when you pair two people with 553 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,680 different styles up, it's going to play out the same as when you 554 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:18,200 pair two people with different love languages, two people with 555 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,720 different conflict preferences. There's always, it's going to 556 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:26,080 play out in the way that you engage and react to each other. 557 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,920 And so your patterns can actually activate each other. 558 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,560 So if you have an anxious partner, they might be like, why 559 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,800 don't you talk to me? Because they fear abandonment 560 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,600 and they reach out more. And then if that person's paired 561 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,320 with an avoidant partner, they might be like, I need fee, I 562 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,720 need space because I fear enmeshment and to being too 563 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,400 close and emotional vulnerability. 564 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:48,160 And they withdraw further. And that's just like a little 565 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,920 chasey game down spiral. So just think about this. 566 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:53,600 This is kind of how you might see it playing out. 567 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:56,720 This is an example. So one partner notices that the 568 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,600 other person's quiet after dinner. 569 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,600 The anxious partner asks is everything OK? 570 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,760 And the avoidant partner shrugs and says I'm fine and gets up to 571 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,880 scroll on their phone. The anxious partner then feels 572 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,720 dismissed and starts to probe. You seem off. 573 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,080 Did I do something? No. 574 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,640 Reason. And the avoidant partner feels 575 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,320 smothered and responds coldly. Why do we have to talk about 576 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,920 every little thing? And now they both feel 577 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:24,120 misunderstood. 1 is trying to connect and the other is just 578 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:26,200 trying to breathe. So that's the scenario. 579 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:31,120 This Is Us. Yeah, this happened. 580 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:33,120 The When did I say you seem cranky at me? 581 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,520 Today it was today I'm like I just walked in the door. 582 00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,160 I've been out of the tip all morning. 583 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,800 Yeah, and it seemed cranky anyway. 584 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,560 So this is the anxious avoidant trap. 585 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:46,920 And unless both people understand what's going on as 586 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,760 we've just played out, it leads to more distance and more 587 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,680 miscommunication, and then frustration. 588 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,920 And then stories build and then there's actual frustration. 589 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,480 I don't know the amount of times that I've been like, are you 590 00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:57,920 annoyed? And then you're like, no. 591 00:28:58,040 --> 00:28:59,640 And then I'll say it again, like, are you OK? 592 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:01,200 Yeah, I'm fine. Are you annoyed? 593 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,640 No, but I'm annoyed now. Like that conversation has 594 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:07,720 played out so much for us. Then I'm like, I'm just trying 595 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:09,840 to care for you. I'm just trying to make sure 596 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,960 everything's fine. I understand where you're coming 597 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,200 from, but man it does get annoying. 598 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,960 And then I'm like, if you cared about and asked me how I was, I 599 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,040 would feel loved. So this is very real in our 600 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,440 relationship, not. Very real. 601 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:27,160 And that's something we want to be continually reassuring. 602 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:30,160 You guys listening in, like the things that we discussed, like 603 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:34,440 we are working on, you know, we are still growing in these areas 604 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,400 and he still asks me constantly if I'm OK. 605 00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:42,600 I constantly respond positively and calmly with gracious 606 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:44,680 impatience. I was talking to someone the 607 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:48,560 other day and they were like, I was just explaining something we 608 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:50,800 were talking about. And then she's like, she's like, 609 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,040 oh, so you guys have like struggle through things too. 610 00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,560 And I almost got defensive because like, yes. 611 00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,760 And then I thought, does our podcast sound like we don't like 612 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,360 we never intend that to be the case. 613 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:03,640 By the way, I. Think it's because, I mean, 614 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:06,200 we're talking about like we, we're not, we try not to 615 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:09,120 constantly talk about our struggles and we talk a lot 616 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:12,720 about these different theories and all different things we can 617 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:17,000 do to do, you know, I think it can come across like we've, 618 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:19,680 we've, we've got them. This is what we do, but it's not 619 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:21,840 this is what we're learning, but we do it really well. 620 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:23,240 And we're pretty perfect. Yeah. 621 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:27,000 Not anyway. So these, this is how it might 622 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,160 play out. And the amazing thing is once 623 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:33,040 you start to notice it as a pattern rather than a personal 624 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:35,200 attack, that's when everything can start to shift. 625 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:39,680 So when you finally realise that I'm just asking you if you're OK 626 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:43,560 because I'm anxiously attached and I love you, then we're going 627 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:46,240 to be fine. I've got so many comments that I 628 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,280 want to make right now. Continue. 629 00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:52,880 So, identifying your own attachment style, this is a 630 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:54,960 couple questions you can ask yourself if you want to figure 631 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,080 it out. One, do I panic when I feel 632 00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:00,080 emotionally out of sync? Or do I pull away when someone 633 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,400 gets too close? Or do I stay steady even during 634 00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:05,960 tense moments? So just ask those three 635 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,120 questions and might give you a bit of a, you probably already 636 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:10,320 have a thought about where you're at. 637 00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:12,800 But just in case you're still wondering or check out our free 638 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,800 resource where we're going to have a bit of a kind of quiz and 639 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:18,280 deeper dive into working it out for yourself. 640 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:22,400 And then how to converse, how to conversation with your partner, 641 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:24,560 how to have that conversation with your partner. 642 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:27,600 Most of us are blends. So like we've spoken about, 643 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:29,800 there's a combination, there's blends and it's just a 644 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:32,160 framework, but one pattern usually is the dominant 1. 645 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:36,360 So that's probably what plays out most or first and so helpful 646 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,240 to get your head around which one that might be. 647 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:43,200 All right. So it's all well and good to 648 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:47,320 notice these patterns playing out for your relationship and 649 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:50,480 for yourself. Notice it for yourself and then 650 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:54,440 notice it for your relationship because you, the benefit of you 651 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,320 noticing it for yourself and working on it for yourself, even 652 00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:00,320 outside of the context of your relationship is huge. 653 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,680 But it's all well and good to recognise that and then to have 654 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:06,440 that. It's really helpful to then have 655 00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,800 that conversation. But here are some other 656 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,600 practical ways that you can start navigating this difference 657 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,720 in attachment style within your relationship. 658 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:17,040 So if you're an anxious person, pause before you react. 659 00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,400 If something comes up, just take a moment to breathe and pause 660 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,480 before you jump to a conclusion about what your partner might be 661 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:26,320 meeting meaning. And then try just verbalising 662 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,280 what you're navigating. So say I'm feeling 663 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:32,440 disconnection, which may or may not be there, Can we check in 664 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,760 again soon? So can we make a time to check 665 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:35,960 in and make sure we're connected? 666 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:37,720 Fine, soon. So you're verbalising what you 667 00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:40,160 need, but you're not letting it run the game. 668 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:44,000 And then remind yourself that their silence doesn't equal 669 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:47,760 rejection. Remind you that my silence does 670 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:51,040 not mean rejection. Except it does. 671 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:56,000 Only when you annoy me. And then if you're avoidant, 672 00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:01,240 notice the urge to retreat when you're feeling conflict in your 673 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:04,720 relationship and try again, verbalising what you need and 674 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,880 just say I need time, but I do care and I'll come back. 675 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:09,640 And we've spoken about that. We've done that. 676 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:14,960 Yeah, being verbal with, I know that right now I'm leaving this 677 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:19,920 scenario or I need some space. But I also love you and I will 678 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:24,080 make an effort to come back to it and then remind yourself that 679 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:27,160 closeness is not a trap. And then if you're a mixed 680 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:30,640 pairing between the two of you, create a shared language. 681 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:34,360 So like we've spoken about little phrases or little things 682 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:36,720 that help you. So let's take 20 minutes and 683 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:38,440 come back. That can just become a phrase 684 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,680 that you say when you need it or name patterns gently. 685 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:45,920 So I'm noticing I'm spiralling. Can we pause and reset and just 686 00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:49,040 pause and reset and then also prioritise repair, even if it's 687 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:50,720 awkward? It's really important that that 688 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:52,760 repair is made, even if it's uncomfortable. 689 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:56,120 Tense moments don't feel good. And then when you're navigating 690 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:57,680 them differently, they're complicated. 691 00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:01,320 But it's important to repair down the track. 692 00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:04,560 So if you've just had a little aha moment about this way, you 693 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:07,000 might be attached to relationships. 694 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,040 These are a few little practical things for you as well. 695 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,320 You're not broken. This is a pattern. 696 00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:12,800 As we said before, it's a pattern. 697 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,320 It's not a flaw. So these are learned habits and 698 00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:19,679 your awareness is where your power is AT, and that's why 699 00:34:20,159 --> 00:34:21,880 we're navigating these things as parents. 700 00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:24,600 Our awareness is where that power is at, where that 701 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,840 equipping is at. Name your patterns out loud. 702 00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:31,239 The vocal naming of what you're navigating, especially within 703 00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:33,400 your relationship, like the times we've had conversations 704 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:38,639 where we are able to express the differences and how we work have 705 00:34:38,639 --> 00:34:41,560 always brought us closer and always been really helpful. 706 00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:44,639 And sometimes you need to come back to that, like this 707 00:34:44,639 --> 00:34:47,080 conversation even, you know, this is like patterns that play 708 00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:50,040 out for us regularly. And it can get tiring, like when 709 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:52,520 you, when you keep coming back to the same things, it does get 710 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:54,760 tiring. You're like, oh, are we still 711 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:57,400 working on this? But ten years, like, you know, 712 00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:00,280 we've been married and we, we've worked through so much and we've 713 00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:04,840 become closer in areas, like so many areas, we've still got a 714 00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:08,440 lot of areas to work on, but it's so worth it. 715 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:11,520 You know, it does get tiring at points, but it is so worth it. 716 00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:14,040 Yeah, absolutely. You're worth it. 717 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,480 Thanks baby. I was talking to Ella's. 718 00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:18,760 House and then one of our favourite ones that we say all 719 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,320 the time is create emotional check insurance have regular 720 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:25,160 weekly are we good moments to build security. 721 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,840 So having a check in point and this honestly, when we've done 722 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:32,400 this well, has been extremely freeing from me. 723 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:34,480 I don't know what it feels like for you because I'm not you, but 724 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,240 like for me to know, yes, I'm an anxious attachment person, but I 725 00:35:38,240 --> 00:35:41,400 also have this day where we check in intentionally and we 726 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:45,120 have already a booked in time to have the conversations we need 727 00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:47,760 to have and to prioritise our relationship. 728 00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,720 And that was really helpful. And probably from an avoidant 729 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:55,000 attachment perspective, it's a bit of space so that you, you 730 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,480 have a bit more space before you need to address things. 731 00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:59,360 And it's a schedule. You know what's coming, you know 732 00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,200 what to expect. It's just helpful regardless, 733 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:03,560 but especially for this kind of a thing. 734 00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:07,200 Then agree on the language you want to use, the phrases you 735 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:10,800 want to use that you can have as like almost like little safe 736 00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:13,640 words to like quickly check in. You know where you're at. 737 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,720 You both understand. Oh yeah, this is what that is. 738 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:20,360 So let's pause and talk in 30 minutes or I'm spiralling or 739 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,200 something. That just it means more to you 740 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:26,880 as a as a relationship, as a couple, and you can quickly 741 00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:30,080 deploy them when you might not be in the right headspace, which 742 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,680 allows you to come back to it later so that you're not having 743 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,920 to navigate it from within the deep emotions, especially if 744 00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:40,520 you're triggering each other. But you're also able to kind of 745 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:43,760 remind, like bring kind of a gentleness around the 746 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:47,400 conversation, I think. And then using bridging language 747 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:49,520 is another is the last practical tip here. 748 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:51,640 So it's hard for me to talk, but I care. 749 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:56,200 So I need space, but I do care. So I'll come back or I know I 750 00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:58,280 get anxious. Thank you for sticking with me 751 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:01,360 and just using that like I'm aware of this. 752 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:05,040 Thank you for your willingness to still be here kind of thing. 753 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:08,680 So that's the attachment styles as I, as we've mentioned, check 754 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:12,400 out our free resource about this because we'll dig into them a 755 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:14,560 little bit more and you can dig into them more. 756 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:18,560 And we'll also try and create conversation starters and 757 00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:20,800 framework for you guys to navigate this together. 758 00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:24,400 But it's a really important one to understand in yourselves. 759 00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:27,040 And we're going to move into the reality check corner now of 760 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:29,080 this, which is where we kind of make this practical. 761 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:32,320 This whole season, our real focus is that we don't want to 762 00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,960 just be a podcast that you listen to and it's just another 763 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,560 voice out there in all of the voices in the world. 764 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:41,720 But we want to be a podcast that offers an opportunity to 765 00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:44,280 implement these things really quickly. 766 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:46,720 It can actually practically impact your life. 767 00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:48,600 Now. If you're willing to step up for 768 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,360 this challenge, then this is something you can do with very 769 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,760 little preparation right now or later in the day when you're 770 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:56,800 with your partner. So first we're going to have a 771 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:59,880 reflection question, and this is for you to reflect internally 772 00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:02,480 and for yourself, your own reflection. 773 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:06,360 When something feels off in a relationship, how do I usually 774 00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,080 respond? Do I try to fix it? 775 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:11,920 Do I pull back? Do I go quiet? 776 00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:14,840 Do I pretend I'm fine? And then ask yourself, what is 777 00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:17,680 that trying to protect me from? Is it rejection? 778 00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,600 Is it conflict? Is it being misunderstood? 779 00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:23,120 Just a little reflection for you to start trying to figure out 780 00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:25,080 what how these patterns might be playing out for you. 781 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:27,640 The next one is a challenge that you can put into practise this 782 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:30,720 week. Notice one moment this week 783 00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:35,720 where you go into autopilot and pause and ask yourself what 784 00:38:35,720 --> 00:38:38,320 would a healthy, secure connection look like right now? 785 00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:41,840 So just taking one moment where you can feel these patterns 786 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:45,160 taking over and instead of reacting as you normally would 787 00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,880 or spiralling as you normally would, pause and kind of try and 788 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,800 always step yourself outside of your body and be like, how would 789 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:57,080 a healthy secure attachment react in this situation? 790 00:38:57,240 --> 00:38:59,520 And try to implement that. And the last one is a future 791 00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:02,840 pace moment. And this is a an activity where 792 00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:07,520 you can kind of visualise what's going on or what you would like 793 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:10,800 to be moving towards and then borrow some of that feeling and 794 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:14,200 the emotion that comes from that visualise visualisation and 795 00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:16,960 bring it back to today to help motivate and lead you or give 796 00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:19,320 you a bit of clarity about which direction you want to move into. 797 00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:21,840 So while I read this one, you can just close your eyes. 798 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:24,040 It's just a brief one. Close your eyes and take a deep 799 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:26,080 breath. Picture a version of you who 800 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,160 responds to tension with steadiness. 801 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:32,240 You don't over explain, you don't vanish or shut down. 802 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,720 You simply say I care. Let's figure this out. 803 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:38,000 How would that feel? How would you present 804 00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:40,560 differently in your life and what is 1 habit that you could 805 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:44,160 start today that would move you towards that version of you that 806 00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:46,520 can open your eyes. Let's see how that how that 807 00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:49,440 helps lead us. This has been colds with Amy and 808 00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:51,880 emotional attachment. I'd love this. 809 00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:56,000 I just think again, like every time you and I do a test like 810 00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:59,680 this, we're always the opposite. Just be like me. 811 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:01,800 But you're broken. So yeah, true. 812 00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:05,040 No, it's a pattern. It's not a, it's a pattern. 813 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:07,080 It's not a brokenness. And it's really important to 814 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:11,080 recognise that because it'd be very easy to just be like, oh, I 815 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,120 just, it's a broken way I respond. 816 00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:17,600 It's not broken. It is, it is a defence mechanism 817 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:21,760 that baby you put in place. So don't let that take you down 818 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,320 mentally. It's a defence mechanism that 819 00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:27,880 was put in place that has now shaped how you how you presented 820 00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:29,640 to the world. And the beauty that comes from 821 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:31,240 some of that stuff is incredible. 822 00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:34,680 You could list so many strengths that come from each of these 823 00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:37,440 attachment styles, even though they might not be the most 824 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:41,240 constructive or play out the most easily when it comes to 825 00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:43,360 relationships. But there's beauty that comes 826 00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:46,120 from who you are, so don't get too low on that. 827 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:49,880 But instead let it be a motivation to figure out how it 828 00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:51,560 is you work, how your partner works. 829 00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:54,720 Having that curiosity about how your partner works, how you work 830 00:40:54,720 --> 00:40:57,600 as a couple, how these patterns play out for you so that you are 831 00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:00,200 equipped when they do come up that they aren't running the 832 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:03,480 game, they aren't running the show, they aren't controlling 833 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,040 how you're acting, You're aware of it, and then you guys can 834 00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:07,680 build things in place to make it work better. 835 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:08,880 That's good. Cool. 836 00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:10,760 Awesome. Thank you everyone. 837 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:12,040 Guys. Good chat.