Honey, we need to chat. Hey, welcome back to another
episode of Honey, We Need to Chat.
This is the podcast to go to about communication in a
relationship. So we're all about the
communicator. We believe that when
communication dies in a relationship, bad things happen
in a relationship. So we discussed a lot of
different topics, a lot of different tools and tips to help
us with that conversation, either navigating through
specific issues in the relationship or just identifying
things for yourself. And the way that we receive
information, the way that we communicate to strengthen that
and that will strengthen the relationship.
And just by being here today, we know something actually about
you, which is really exciting for us.
So what this tells us about you is that you're someone that's
not just interested in just going through your relationship,
not just surviving it. You've actually clicked on this
episode on this podcast because you actually want to know more.
You want to grow, you want to develop, you want to just be
intentional with your relationship.
And that's really exciting to ask because that's that's what
we're here for. You know, we want to be Amy and
I are growing in our relationship and the fact that
you're growing with us is really, really exciting.
So thank you so much for tuning in.
If you do get something from this episode, if you do find
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Like let's get this going on further than just you and I.
So thank you so much for being here.
So what are we doing today? This is a different one.
Today's a different one and a fun one.
So we've been sharing about how Amy's been coaching some women
and we get the question like what is a coach?
And that's really hard to explain just by telling you
explaining it, explaining it. But the way that we've been
trying. So we're gonna show you.
And now this is AI don't really know what Amy's gonna be doing.
He she's gonna be coaching me today.
I don't know the topic. I don't know what we're gonna be
discussing. And we want to just give you
that example of well, this is what Amy does.
So then if you are interested, go along to our our website or
your website which is. Yeah, it's linked on both
www.nextchaptercoachingyep.com.auipausedtherebecause as Blair gets on my back about
saying WWW. Yes, I was going to say it.
I bit my. Tonguenextchaptercoaching.com
dot AU, but it's also linked on our website.
Honey, we need to chat.com. So there's information there and
we'll put it in the show notes as well.
Absolutely. But yeah, this is just an
example of what you could expect in a coaching session because a
lot of people don't know what coaching is and what makes it
different. Yeah.
So, yeah, for sure. And you've done this with me
once and it, I don't know if you've noticed, but for me, I
feel like so much is shifting that area, which was amazing,
just very practical. And I just was able to realise
like I can, I can do this. Like, yeah, I've got all the
things I. Need to put a lot of things in
place from there. Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, we did do a few last season.
We did a few coaching sessions as well and we have some free
resources on the website that go along with those sessions too.
So if you enjoy this kind of this kind of a process, check
those other episodes out, which we will link as well.
And those resources, because they're free, they're there,
they're accessible to you right now.
There's things that you can implement in your relationship
and in your own personal life right now, so it's worth having
a look at. And we want to be more than just
a podcast. That's, that's our desire.
Like eventually we want to be doing retreats and so forth.
But in the meantime, you know, I mean, there's a lot of work and
putting out resources and doing this coaching stuff to really be
more than just noise. We don't want to be noise.
We want to have action behind what we're doing.
We want to equip you as we equip ourselves.
So get onto that. There's some really cool
resources. Sign up to our website.
And you can also get any, any new stuff that comes out.
We'll just go straight to you. But before we dive in today's
episode, we've been sharing a lot about what you're doing.
And today you had a mini freak out of like, wow, this is soon.
A few a week and a half we'll be in the theatre getting ready for
our show. Come From Away.
Yeah, the next three weeks are going to be really intense for
us. So really excited about this
show. It's coming together so well in
rehearsals. It's Come From Away.
If you haven't heard of it, you can hear us go into to more
depth in the other episodes we've shared, or you can check
out the link that we'll put in this these show notes as well.
But such a beautiful show about humanity.
It's really light hearted. It's really, really high skill,
complex, fun and unique. So if you're local, we would
love to have you there. Come watch as it come from away
always. We got that joke.
We'll put the link in the show description and in our BIOS as
well. Yeah.
And I've, I've actually 'cause you've done a couple of
recordings of that on your phone and it's, it's.
Rehearsals. Really.
Cool. I love it.
I can't wait. Yeah, it's gonna be fun.
Cool. Well, coach me, babe.
All right, well, we are. As we said, we're diving into
something a little bit different today and this coaching session
is all about trying to identify some of the things that sit
behind our behaviours and our patterns, the things that drive
us in our everyday lives. Because we all work out of these
things. They all play out in our
everyday life, but a lot of the time we don't have intentional
time set aside to look into what it is that's driving us in these
areas. So identifying them can be
really helpful, especially if there are patterns or behaviours
that you're experiencing that you just can't shift or that
keep repeating and you're trying to see life change.
If you can dig into what's driving you behind them, then it
helps you kind of get a bit more clarity and it helps you put
some practical things in place to just shift them into a more
resourceful way of behaving and living.
So yeah, this is a coaching tool that people will implement with
their clients and that I've implemented with my clients when
they feel a little bit stuck and they just aren't really sure why
they can't see life change. You probably have experienced
moments where you've been like, I'm going to put this in place
and then you just kind of resort back to what you've been doing
previously and those well intentioned big goals fall a
little bit apart. So that's what we're doing
today. We're going to dive into what's
driving you. Oh yeah, let's do.
It and these are all, this is a framework that all kind of works
on some of our core needs. So it's a helpful tool in terms
of identifying these patterns. As with everything, it's just a
tool. So you take what you find
helpful and you apply what you find helpful.
And we also hold it loosely as a tool that's just there to be
used in a constructive way. So let's dive into your core
needs. Everybody has core needs.
There's 6 core needs in this framework that have been
identified, and they're broken into two categories.
So the first one is like your everyday survival core needs
that people will be filling in their lives through different
actions as a core need on the regular.
Then there's two other ones that are called the needs of the
spirit, and they're a little bit more lofty.
So they're kind of the needs that will come into place if
you're for personal everyday kind of core needs are working
well. So you might have seen the
hierarchy of needs triangle before in whatever you might
have seen out of school when you were learning or just heard
about it, you might not have. And it's, it's a similar
framework, slightly different framework, but similar kind of
concept, which is where the bottom is your survival.
So you need things like food, water, shelter.
And then once those are met, then you can start to think
about relationship, connection, that kind of thing.
If you're someone who doesn't have food, clothes and shelter,
you're probably not sitting there having relationship
crisises or not not spending much time emotionally in that
because you just don't have the resources for it.
And then as you, as you go up that triangle with the needs
being met, then you've got other needs that start to, to play
into things. So it's a similar kind of thing.
6 core needs. This is a framework that looks
at the ones that are are driving you every day.
The they're called the purse, the needs of the personality, so
their everyday core needs. Then there's two others that are
also core needs that are needs of the spirit and they come in.
Once those personality needs are met, they are to run through
them just quickly before we dive in certainty, which is like
safety, comfort, predictability, control.
Then there's variety as the second one.
So that's things like surprise, excitement, change, spontaneity,
adventure, those kinds of things.
Then there's a third one called significance.
Significance is a feeling of importance, a feeling of being
seen as a feeling of having self worth.
And then the 4th one of the initial 4 needs of the
personality is connection and love.
And that's belonging, closeness and intimacy.
So it's relationships, it's it's your connection and your love
with the people around you. Then when those are met and
they're functioning well, you also can introduce the needs of
the spirit, which is growth. So the growth is learning,
evolving personal development. People that are, you know,
trying to better their lives, trying to have personal
development, they're inputting into themselves to become better
at things and to kind of function from a more healthy
space. So that's growth.
And then the 6th 1 is contribution, which is giving
back, helping others. Impact is the bigger picture,
kind of like charity based work or or volunteer based work, work
for the betterment of the greater good.
So those are the six that we're going to work on, but we're
really going to look mostly at the needs of the personality,
the 1st 4, certainty, variety, significance, connection and
love. All right.
So those first four tend to drive our everyday actions.
And The thing is that we are driven in these needs and we act
out of these needs and we fill these needs either in a
resourceful way that's helpful or we fill them in an
unresourceful way. So we're always filling them.
We're always meeting these needs.
It just depends on how we're meeting them, if it's
resourcefully or unresourcefully.
And if it's resourcefully, that's positive, healthy, that's
building us up and it's helping us move forward.
If it's unresourcefully, it's usually where you see those
habits that you've been trying to shift that do not move you
forward. They're not healthy, They're not
good for you. They're not good for the greater
good. They're not good for others.
So where this whole process is trying to assess when you're
meeting your core needs, are you meeting them in a way that's
resourceful or in a way that's unresourceful?
And how can we shift the unresourceful ones?
So I've listed them now and given you a very brief overview
of what they might be. So certainty, variety,
significance, connection, and then we're going to say growth
and contribution as the other two as well.
Hearing those, just those words in the brief description, do any
of them stand out to you as what you think might be your top 2
drivers? Yeah.
I mean, I see something in all of them, but in, yeah, I was
reflecting as you're talking and I feel like certainty is
probably #1 you said about the predictability, the controls.
I have stuff. I don't like not being in
control, not like not that I like to be over controlling, but
I don't like to be out of control of a situation.
And because I've noticed when I'm not like my attitude shifts
and I get stressed, all those sorts of things.
And I, I'm in between variety and connection.
I'm not too sure out of those two variety, I feel like because
I what's tripping me up a little bit is you say that we always
feel our needs and I, well, I don't know if I feel my variety.
Well, I don't know. I feel like I don't meet that as
much, but I know what it feels like when I do.
So that's why I wasn't sure if it's variety or connection.
Maybe connection? So you've said that you think
you can see certainty, variety or connection being your top 2.
Just as a brief overview, is there a time you can think of
where one or more of them were really driving your behaviours?
Yeah, absolutely. How did that play out for you?
Well, again, certainty I can think is probably the biggest
one like if I like if I think of work or or even in like 'cause I
played volleyball last night. So for example like even go
something not not work wise, like if I feel like I'm not in
control of my game, if I would feel like I'm not playing well
or something, I get really irritated.
Same with work actually. I mean, every area I get really
irritated when I'm not in control of the situation.
Yeah. Like when we got Bonnie, our
golden retriever, like that was so frustrating because it's so
out of, she's so out of control when she's a puppy.
Like, I can't control that situation.
I can't control her not peeing in the house.
Like, so I get really frustrated.
It comes out in frustration a lot.
Interesting. Yeah.
So there's a table with more information that I'm not going
to go into each one because it's not going to be relevant and it
would take too long. But looking at certainty, so
it's got examples of how you might meet certainty
resourcefully and examples of how you might be meeting it
unresourcefully. So when you are meeting
certainty resourcefully, it comes out in things like
planning, in good use of your diary, in feeling confident,
having control of your resources, of your time and your
money, feeling certain of your place in the world.
So I can see that for you, when it's met unresourcefully, it
comes out as needing to control everything and freaking out if
you can't. Having strict rules in your life
to create safety, needing to pre plan everything.
So you think that? Really.
Absolutely. I see that even in some of our
conversations about finances. And if we get takeaway right,
like, you know, like in my mind is like, well, no, because
finances and this and this. And it's like the spontaneous
decision of it, it throws me so much because I was like, no, we
got, we got all these things coming up like we got, you know,
yeah. Which we, it's, this is not what
I would do in a coaching session because I'm not usually married
to the person that I'm coaching, but usually not usually every
now and then, but that plays out for us.
And, and that's one of the things with these, these
frameworks, every time you learn a new part of how somebody
works, you're understanding why they act the way they do.
So I see, and we've had these conversations recently.
I see that control element playing out and I see the
results of it and I I feel the results of it until I recognise
why. It just feels like a personal
attack. But if I recognise what's
sitting behind it for you, it makes so much more sense.
Yeah, and This is why I love doing this because like I said,
this isn't the first time you've taken me through one of your
coaching sessions. And this is a completely
different session, by the way. So Amy does a lot of different
ones. But what I love about this is it
helps me understand myself like A and, and that helps me
navigate those difficult conversations that you and I
might have or me and my workmates or whatever might
have, right? Or even with the kids.
So when we have this greater understanding of our self, we're
actually equipped to deal with more situations like the
negative situations or positive situations with confidence to
know that, well, I'm going to respond like this.
So I'm going to catch that, identify the need that I have in
this situation and address it and and then I am to address it
in a positive way. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
And The funny thing is like, I think certainty is my thing.
That plays out for me too. And I see that in different
control things as well. So it's funny.
I can have that and there's a need and I can still not
recognise it in you, in your actions.
I'm going to read through the four person needs of the
personality, which are the four core kind of survival ones, just
because I think they're more, for one thing, you've you've
noted three of them, so I might as well read all four.
But also they're more applicable across the board.
So you listening can be like, Oh yeah, I can see how that would
play out for me. Whereas the other two are, like
I said, they're a bit more the lofty things that come into play
after these coordinates, these foundational needs.
So the other thing you said was you weren't sure you were
tossing it between variety potentially or connection.
I wrote down connection. OK, yeah.
So I'll read connection first then.
So how you might meet Connection resourcefully is connecting in a
healthy way with the people around you with appropriate give
and take. That's a really important point
for some people because you can be like, I connect great, but
you give all the time and you don't take.
This is so funny. I feel like this is everything I
talk to you about with people. I get so sick of people because
I'm like, I give so much and I get nothing back and I'm like,
well, I'll cut you off like it's.
Well, yeah, interesting this way, until we get to the
unresourceful. Oh no.
Having a variety of healthy, loving relationships, finding
connection through nature or faith or something else.
So that's how you can meet connection resourcefully.
If you're meeting connection unresourcefully, you might be
connecting through drama, gossip, problems, and sad
stories. So things like I'm always so
stressed and busy, poor me. Or needing constant contact with
others, codependent relationships, sacrificing our
needs to take care of others. Or fixating on relationships,
which I don't see a lot of those playing out for you, no.
I was trying to think through. I could see hints of them, but
nothing strong. Yeah, but what's also
interesting, and we'll get to this a bit more later, is they
all lean on each other. So I'll read through the other
ones too. So variety is the other thing
that you flagged might be one of your top ones.
So meeting variety resourcefully would be things like enjoying
variety, adventure and excitement, enjoying new
challenges, being OK to go with the flow and loving things that
are new. And then meeting them
unresourcefully is creating chaos and drama when things get
boring, being an adrenaline junkie, changing just for the
sake of change and always seeking a bigger high, which
again, I don't necessarily. See that's The thing is I but I
see more similar we'll see more things in that and in the
negatives than connection. Yeah, OK, so let's read it's.
Interesting, I can't nail down the second.
Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right.
Because we'll as we go into, you'll see how they play off
each other. So the 4th 1 is significance and
this is the one I think most people don't want to admit that
they that probably plays a bigger part.
The thing is all of these play a part in all of us all the time.
So it's it's not it's like the love languages.
We all play out the love languages all the time, just to
different degrees. So it's not a bad guy, but it
just sounds like on on face value it's a little bit like but
100% this is me. And so significance met
resourcefully, it's a strong sense of of self, healthy self
esteem, taking satisfaction and pride in your work and the
results in life, feeling good about who you are.
Met unresourcefully, It's constantly seeking attention,
putting others down to lift yourself up, always needing
others to validate and admire you, and creating ways to be at
the centre of activities. So those are the ways that you
may see these needs playing out. Sounds like certainty.
You're very sure? You're very certain.
Yeah, I'm very certain. Plays out for you and that some
of the pieces of a few of these other ones.
I've seen myself on all of the other ones, so yeah, it's.
Valid because you are in all of the other ones just like
everybody else. So if any of these resonated,
just take note of what one it like kind of relates to because
it's helpful to kind of recognise as you go.
So let's let's look back again and think about your work and
relationships. You said you see this play out
all across the board. What patterns do you see that
really play out with these needs for you so to?
Start with certainty. Yeah, which is any of them.
What patterns flagged from this stuff?
Well, I think so, yeah. Again, like I can see all of
them. So first one that came to my
head with was variety. Like I'm, I've always got this
sort of craving to go for a walk, like, you know, like down
the wetlands and stuff like that.
Like, you know, the adventure side of things is always there,
but I feel like it's more of an unmet thing and that's on me.
That's not on anyone else. The certainty, yeah, the control
stuff really stood out as you're sharing through that.
I can see that in a lot of areas.
I feel like the good part of it is I have a big work ethic.
A, you know, I, when, when that works well, I, I get stuff done,
you know, I really get stuff done and I love that feeling.
I, I kind of operate on a high in that feeling.
But then when it doesn't work well is my lowest points, like
either either in work or in family or relationships or
whatever. When I when I'm out of control,
I get really. Really low.
And you've seen that too. Like when I have a day, I'm
like, I just feel unproductive and I just can't get the things
done that I want to get done. I take a huge dip when I snap at
the kids. It's because I'm out of control,
like of the situation. And I hate that.
And I mean, I'm really low on myself or with Bonnie or with,
you know, my workmates or whatever.
I like It's that's, that's the big one that I see there.
Yeah. So there are a lot of the habits
that I see. Yeah.
Even with hobbies, like I'll get sick of a hobby if I feel like
I'm out of control but I feel like I can't control it I I just
won't enjoy it. Yeah.
Well, one of the interesting things is that these drivers are
see source to each other certain.
You can't have 100% certainty and have 100% variety because it
doesn't work. Yeah.
So it's interesting that those are the two that you're kind of
playing off because they see sauce.
If you have too much certainty, you're gonna get really.
And I feel like that's where you really see sauce.
Yeah, 'cause I, you know, you and I've been chatting before
this as well about how I'm trying to find that balance of
rest and work and like play and work.
And because I feel like that play stuff that needs to be the
variety things. And that's where I feel like I'm
struggling currently is that is an unmet need that I have.
And so that's where I'm, that's why I was tossing up between
variety and connections 'cause I'm like, well, I just, I feel
like I actually am more variety, but I'm just not doing that
well. And so I need to spend more time
there. Yeah, interesting.
So when you're feeling like that, out of control feeling,
what is it that you need to feel grounded in your control, like
to feel back to calm? What I currently do and, and
again, this is the exploration that we're doing at the moment
is what do I need in that time? Like how am I going to navigate
through that better? So that's what I'm exploring at
the moment. So I don't have that certainty
of what this is, but you know, going for a walk, getting out of
the house, changing my environment, which is the
variety side of things. You know, like I so in the
certainty when I'm stressed or whatever, like I have to mix
that up. Yeah.
So that's what I've been trying to do in that definitely talking
about it. I'm a verbal processor, but a
big thing is, is it's what getting control back.
So coming up with a plan and that's what a big thing of what
I do is planning. So that here's a situation,
here's the struggle. This is a issue at first, like
the other night, I was losing sleep over a work situation.
I couldn't sleep and, and the next day I'm like, cool, all
right, well, here's the plan. I come up with a plan and then
I'm like, sweet, I've got a plan.
So even though it's out of my control, the plan is in place.
And if the plan works, I'm in control, you know, And so the
fact that I can see the way forward helps a lot, but variety
actually helps a lot. I It makes so much sense because
if you're out of control in your certainty, resourcefully meeting
your variety, so going for a walk, doing something healthy,
maintainable, manageable, that kind of thing would make sense
that that would bring back a sense of like balance or a sense
of like groundedness as you're, then you're lifting your variety
in a healthy way. You're doing something.
And I know that you've seen this play out because you've talked
about this as well, where you've seen variety play out in an
unhealthy way. So needing to fill it with other
things that that aren't healthy and they aren't sustainable and
they don't help bring it resourcefully back to balance,
it just feels good temporarily to kind of counteract that.
Yeah, really interesting. And The funny thing too is it's
a real tension because planning, planning is resourceful.
So you're planning. That's resourceful.
If your plan starts to move into needing to control everything,
that's where it can become unresourceful.
Yeah. So that's going to be the
delicate balance for you and. That that's been playing out,
you know, even with work, we are identified that I, the way that
I'd set stuff up was there was a lot of control from me and a lot
of dependence from the team. And so I had to control a lot of
things, which was, I was, you know, I enjoyed, but it was too
much. It was becoming, it's not
resourceful. And I was getting way too
stretched. And that's when I started to
spiral because then I felt like because I was dropping things
and then I became out of control.
Yeah, really interesting. The same with having good
control of your resources of time and money and that kind of
thing. But the unresourceful way is
having strict rules in your life to create safety and needing to
pre plan everything. So it's just a constant like
checking that your that is resourceful.
So checking in what is resourceful and what's not a
good way to kind of identify that is that resourceful,
resourceful ways of meeting your things are sustainable ways that
are good for you and the people around you and the greater good.
So that's things like the environment, society and
community. So if you're setting up a plan
for work, is it good for everybody?
Is it good for the greater good with work?
Is it good for you? That will be a good way to
check. This is a resourceful plan I'm
putting in place. If it's just good for you or
it's just good for the greater good for work, but it's not
actually good for you because it's going to burn you out.
It's going to burn people out. Then that's not a resourceful
like that's a, an unresourceful control kind of thing.
And same with your having good control over your finances and
your resources and that kind of thing.
If that's good for you, the greater good and the people
around you, awesome if it's good for you and not the greater
good. So you can see this playing out
with people that are like really wealthy and super, super strict
with their money. They don't give as much.
Do you hear that kind of rhetoric all the time?
That's an unresourceful meeting of their control because it's
not good for the people around them.
It's not good for the greater good.
They're probably burnt their families out in many ways
because they've worked so hard. They're not generous with their
time and money and working towards the greater good.
A lot of the time, some of their their financial gain may have
come from ways that isn't good for the greater good, that kind
of thing. That's when you can tell it's
switched to the other side. So that's super fascinating that
and that's going to be your delicate balance to walk.
So when you're seeing yourself stressed and burnt out in these
areas, let's talk about certainty and variety.
How do you see it playing out? And you've said this already
needed to control everything. How else have you seen it
playing out in your behaviours in your day to day when you've
been You're not in balance, you're not meeting them
resourcefully. Escape.
Like I would escape like So what dopamine hit can I get, You
know, that's going to distract me from the situation that.
'D be like the adrenaline junkie.
Yeah, yeah, so. And in an unhealthy way though.
Like, so yeah, I'll just go into a downward spiral I guess, and
either get really depressed or frustrated or whatever.
But yeah, I'll just try and escape it.
Yeah, yeah. So breaking this down again,
things like certainty can show up as planning and preparation.
Awesome. Or as control and rigidity.
Variety can look like adventure or chaos and restlessness.
Yes. I think it is.
I think variety and what we're digging into.
I think variety is my second one.
Yeah, I have a connection. Significance might mean healthy
pride, the healthy sense of self, or needing validation and
one upping everybody around you. Connection could mean intimacy
or it can move into codependence.
Growth might mean showing up as learning, or it could be
consuming without acting, which is probably another thing that I
fall into as well. Consuming and not following
through contribution might look like generosity, or it could
look like doing too much to feel needed.
So that's that's as well. We're like, we haven't even
dived into this needs of the spirit.
But when you're contributing to the greater good, there's a
delicate balance there too. When you're growing, you're
putting self development and growth in place, there's a
delicate balance there as well. So can you think of how are your
your top two ways? I guess you'd say that you do
meet your needs resourcefully on a regular basis and you've just
implemented a bunch of these recently.
So that's awesome to see how it's been impacting you.
Yeah. So how have you been meeting
your certainty healthily? You've been putting things in
place at work. Yes, I've been putting things in
place in work and and fitness has been the big thing.
So going for those walks and that's the variety stuff, I
think, as well as the fitness, like fitness has been helping me
because fitness is healthy. It's a healthy way to approach
things. But I think it's just been that
unmet need that I shared with you about changing things up.
So I started volleyball and we're not serious.
It's, it's really about the fun sort of stuff.
We're not like an amazing team or anything.
And we're not even in, in amazing division or anything.
But it's more about the social, the fun, the mixing it up.
Like changing my environment even like we had a, we, you and
I had a, a work meeting. We went down, Yeah.
And did it to a cafe to have that.
So moving my environment rather than just staying, Yeah.
Which is really important when you're working from home.
Especially a lot of what we do, even the things that we don't
feel good about, these behaviours that we've said
aren't resourceful, they're actually filling a need.
They've been serving us in a way.
So it's really easy to look at the things we've done
unresourcefully and be like, I'm so frustrated by these patterns
I fall into. Especially the Control 1 I feel
like is what's standing up to me the most.
It's easy to look at that and be like, why do I have to control
everything? Why am I that kind of person and
be really low on it? But The thing is, it's served a
purpose for you. It has actually played a role
for you. And so it's kind of important
when you're navigating these things not to just be like, I
want to cut it off. I want to get rid of it and kind
of like pushing it out. It's actually really important
to almost thank it for what it has been serving for you and
then consciously and intentionally replace it with
what is resourceful instead. So I think that's where a lot of
people fall into this trap where they don't have much grace for
themselves and they're just, they look at patterns that they
hate and they'll just kind of force it away and it doesn't
actually help in terms of getting long term growth and
moving forward. So everything we do, whether
it's work, relationships, habits, or even things we wish
we could stop doing, our meeting in need on some level.
And that's why unhelpful behaviours can be hard to let go
of because they're actually doing something for us.
So the goal isn't to stop needing these things, it's to
find better ways to meet those needs than the ways we've been
resorting to, ways to actually support our well being, our
relationships and our future that we're wanting to build and
move towards. So thinking of a behaviour
pattern in your life that you don't love, what is something
that you'd love to change and what might need to be the
behaviour you're trying to meet? Wait, hang on, what need might
that? Yeah, thinking of the behaviour
pattern in your life that you don't love, what's something you
would want to change? I think more intentional with
the variety because I feel like if I, I feel like if I can work
on the variety and this is off very little time reflecting and
processing this because being very, very helpful.
I feel like if I can dig into the variety more, it's going to
help my control, if that makes sense Because I feel like that
is the positive of the variety helps the negative of my
certainty. Does it make sense?
So I think that's where I want to focus more on.
OK, So what is the behaviour that's been unresourceful in
your variety that you think you'd like to change to a more
resourceful way? Definitely restlessness is the
top one and then that leads. Chaos is quite an extreme word.
So I don't know, but it's, it's like, because my restlessness
then leads to frustration, you know, when I'm out of control,
it leads to frustration. Like it's it sort of feeds
itself when I'm restless. Even some of the, and I think
this would be both certainty and variety playing out, but some of
the, like you said, when you snap at the kids, it's because
of feeling out of control and that kind of thing.
I wonder if there's an element of that's the chaos.
Like, it's not like you're like, I'm going to go into this room
and cause chaos. No, that's what I meant.
That's what I want. So the word chaos sounds
extreme. So it's like chaos towards the
kids, like just sounds nuts. But it's just like, no, it's
more frustration, but it's, that's the chaos part.
Taking it out on them, not intentionally going in and being
like I'm going to take it out on them, but it's just like I'm
feeling restless, I'm feeling out of control and I'm just
going to work. Because of even a value with the
kids and with the family is the adventures that we have, right?
Like I've shared that with you. I love going on adventures as a
family, but the times where I really struggle with that is
that when I'm out of control on those adventures.
And this is like, man, this is such an amazing thing.
Why am I travelling? So much.
You've been really excited about it.
Yeah. Control.
Yeah. Because it's kids and they're
not easy to control. Yeah, that's really fascinating.
I think even some of some of these words are off putting at
first, I think. So things like adrenaline
junkie. I don't think you're an
adrenaline junkie. I do think you chase dopamine
and so do I, and so do most people.
I don't think you always seek a bigger high.
That's like quite an intense way of putting it.
But I do think that we've seen times where we've had the
patterns we've done are like, what's a high I can chase?
Like food things. Yeah.
We've talked about our cycle and COVID and alcohol, food buying
things, alcohol, food buying things.
And it was just like, we'd get better at 1:00 and then we'd
move to the next. So I think that's how these
things are. A little more adaptable than the
words chaos or drama. Also like creating drama when
things get dull. I don't think you you're, you
hate drama. Like you hate the drama that
other people enjoy, like me, but you you do have conflict a lot.
So when things feel out of control, even in the workspace,
it can become a conflict quicker then someone else might might
escalate that to there. So I wonder if there's if that's
your version of creating drama even though it's not, you know,
creating a, a love triangle. No, exactly.
And I think that that feeds into my my out of control though,
like I usually, I usually spark the drama if you want to use
those words when I'm out of control because it's something
that frustrated point and that causes the drama.
Yeah. Yeah, interesting.
Which causes the chaos and then drama and.
Interesting. Interesting.
Married a monster. I'm just kidding.
I'm exactly the same in different ways.
Awesome. Yeah.
So you've identified that you want to move your variety into a
more resourceful place because that seems like more of a key to
helping certainty also be resourceful.
And your biggest thing that you're finding is unresourceful
currently is restlessness. And that's that need to change
or or fill that restlessness kind of feeling.
So in that case, what is a way that you want to intentionally
implement a more resourceful variety into your routine in
place of that? Yeah, I don't have that answer
off the top of my head because that's where it's because that
one's hard for me because I feel like I've got to schedule it.
Yeah, you know, that's the control side.
Yeah, exactly. So I've got to sit down and
look, I've got to come up with that proper plan where this will
actually be sustainable. I don't want to do that thing
where it's like, this will be nice, let's do that.
And then it because if like if it doesn't work, I'm going to
get frustrated that my plan didn't happen, you know, So I
can't just give her off the cuff answer, but it needs to be
intentional and I need to be in control because otherwise it
won't feed the purpose. Yeah.
So just going back a step then you said that restlessness is
your unresourceful behaviour in variety.
What do you think that restlessness has been meeting
for you? What need has it been filling?
How has it been filling the need for you?
Historically I. Mean it can lead me to being to
moving to being productive and proactive.
Like it could lead to that. Yeah, maybe it pushes you
towards the unresourceful. Well, like more recently, like
if I'm in a good space, I get restless.
And I went and did the laundry the other day, like the other
night, right? I was like, oh, that's some
energy. And I just was just restless.
And I'm like, oh, I'm just. That's a resourceful way.
That's a. Resourceful way of dealing with
the the restlessness. Yeah, yeah, that's good.
That's a resourceful behaviour then.
But it's like when I but the, the issue is like the
restlessness. There's restlessness and then
there's like working from home restlessness, which is like,
well, to meet that is to get out.
You know, that's where volleyball has been meeting that
more. That's one night a week and then
and but we've been quite busy on weekends.
But even me thinking about this Saturday coming up, we thought
we did have stuff on. I'm like, cool, well, that's
going to meet that. I'm, I've got something, I'm
going to actually have something on, which is good because if I
don't, I've been really aware of like I will sit on the couch and
I won't move. And then that's when the
restlessness really builds and I get really frustrated.
I get irritated. I don't like that I'm not
feeling productive. So that's why I was asking you
the other day. I'm like, we're free on
Saturday, right? Like, you know, because we both
thought we had that birthday party on And, but now I'm
thinking like, all right, well, what can we do Saturday then?
Like I, I I will need to do something because I know what it
will lead if I you don't. Yeah, it's interesting because
restlessness is the unresourceful side of variety.
And so it sounds like when you're restless in the
unresourceful patterns, not when it's helped you be resourceful.
When you're restless and it and you're meeting, you're trying to
use that to meet a need. You're actually you like seem to
pinball it pinball it. Yeah, pinball it.
We'll go with it. This is a really surprised that
it made sense. All of a sudden I had the old
like Windows pinball game popped into my head.
I went to a different place. Anyway, it seems like you
pinball it to meet the certainty need.
So it's like I'm restless. So I'm going to pinball it to
meet certainty, but instead of meeting it resourcefully, which
you some when you're intentionally you do, you're
pinballing it to frustration and overwhelm.
And it's not just like I'm restless, I'm restless.
It's like that. I'm frustrated.
I'm going to get snappy or I'm going to feel like I need to
over control or I'm going to feel like I need to over plan or
pre plan and that kind of thing. Until you've implemented these
ways of having that restless trigger be like I'm feeling a
bit restless, unresourceful in my variety.
How can I change that up into a healthy?
Or I've identified that I, I know I could feel that.
Like I said, this Saturday, we're now all of a sudden free.
It's like, oh, that's that's. A trigger for me.
Trigger for me and so I want to make sure that I've got
something there that I don't go down that line.
Yeah, fascinating baby. So once we realise these
behaviours, we can start to intentionally choose what
resourceful ones we want to put in place instead.
And like you've just described really well, we can also project
what might become a problem because of regular patterns and
regular triggers, and put things in place to help meet those
things resourcefully before we get to the point where we're
meeting them unresourcefully. And what's what's really helpful
about this is like this is news for you.
Like a lot of the stuff that I'm sharing, not not completely.
It's like we've been sharing about some of this, but some of
this would be light bulb moments for you too, as they're light
bulb moments for me. And this is a lot of what
coaching is, right is like I've been, you know, not to this
extent. I think this has just equipped
me so much more with understanding.
So it makes me make it helps me make sense of how I operate so I
can feel more in control of of the things that I'm, you know,
struggling with, which is what I need, right?
And which is how I operate in this way.
But even then, I'm like, that's why I've been so asking you so
many questions about what if we did this on Saturday?
Could I do this on Saturday? Like, you know, like checking in
my because I'm, I'm identifying, but that's an issue for me.
But I hadn't wasn't really aware of it until right now.
Yeah, right. Like I I was doing.
Anything. Yeah, and even with the finance
stuff, right, I'm like, why am I so controlling with finances?
Why like why is it such an issue for me when it's like, oh,
that's, that makes sense now. And it helps me to now have
confidence and be aware of that. Like sweet, alright, cool.
I don't wanna be that guy. I wanna be empowering.
I don't wanna be controlling. Like controlling it has as good
as as negatives, positives and negatives.
So like how now can I work through that?
And that will be that would be the follow up from this is like,
you know, us working together on how do I positively do that?
You know, The thing is with with coaching is like you identify a
lot and then you work with people on those things that they
identify, which is awesome. Absolutely.
And it's, yeah, we've done so many of these things, so many of
these things, and still there's so much to learn and there will
be for the rest of our lives, which is a a good thing.
Like it. It just gives more potential for
growth and development and understanding each other more
intimately. And that's really important in
relationship. So the really key thing here is
once you've identified the behaviours that aren't
resourceful, it's not a matter of cutting them out, it's a
matter of. Choosing which resourceful way
you want to meet it. So a challenge for you is you
identified that restlessness is unresourceful because of what it
leads to. Instead of cutting out trying to
be adding variety to your life, you choose a way that's more
resourceful than restlessness. So while it's good that it's
kind of balancing out with certainty, it also is important
for you to implement the resourceful variety things as
well. But yeah, it's a, it's about
giving you that intentional moment to be able to pick what
you'd rather be playing out rather than just cutting it off
altogether. So the the balancing part of it
is another layer to this because they're on either end of the
seesaw certainty, variety, significance, connection.
You can't be fully significant, like fully invested there and be
really connected with other people because they just are two
of the two sides of the same seesaw really.
And so certainty and variety are opposites.
So significance in connection. And you can't be 100% about
control and also fully spontaneous.
You can't be all about being seen and also about blending in
with people and connecting with people.
So it's important you're looking at what needs are driving your
behaviours and recognising how they're playing out
resourcefully and resourcefully. You're also looking at how is
that balance going between the two pairs as well and is
something out of whack there and what can you do to bring that a
little bit more into balance? So there's a lot of layers to
these things and it will play out so differently.
And certainty is definitely a top driver for me.
And so even though I have that play out, I plays out completely
differently to the way it plays out for you.
And, and I think it's important for us to be aware of that
because I think they could be conflicting ways.
In fact, I know they're conflicting ways in a lot of
different things. So us just being aware of that
alone is helpful because you can now we've got terminology to put
to it be like, is this a resourceful way?
Like even us just checking in and saying that like, is this a
resourceful plan or is this a unresourceful plan?
It's just a gentle way of being like is this a healthy,
sustainable forward focus one or is it something out of a need to
kind of fill this out of balance part of your area of your life?
So this is the six coordinates. This is what's driving us.
When we can understand what's driving us, we can stop reacting
and just start choosing. We don't have to be a product of
our reactions. We can actually be intentional
and and have a little bit more control in that area and choose
how we want to behave. We can see that even frustrating
stuff in our life is usually trying to serve a purpose, which
is an important thing to notice, and that we have the power to
meet our needs in a way that supports our well being and our
relationships. We are capable of those things.
So identifying these ways that these play out for you isn't a
really important activity so that you have a better sense of
ownership of your life. You've also got a better sense
of grace for yourself and why you might be acting the way you
are instead of just like, why do I keep doing this?
So it helps you make sense of your patterns.
Nice, that was awesome. I love that and again, like I
mentioned about like now I, I feel like and this is what
happened last time you did this with me too.
I'm like sweet, I've I I know what I can do from here.
Like it's not because otherwise this is like, oh, I'm stuck in
this place. I want to work on this.
I don't know how to work on this.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.
And it just like a lot of what you do is you just make me
realise like, no, I can, you know, I can do all of those
things. Like I've got everything I need
to do to take those steps. And you do this already with
your clients. You have the initial
conversation. You help identify what they're
working through or what they're wanting to work through, even if
they don't know like, like I didn't know what we're going to
talk about today. I didn't know this is where the
conversation was going to go. But you drew that out of me.
It's like, great, well, this is a need.
Let's work on that. Yeah.
And then so I just want to say to you guys, if women, if you
want, if you can give an hour a week, if you want to work on
certain things or don't know where you want to work on, but
you know, you want to work on something, get in contact.
You know, this is what Amy does and she's really, really good at
it. You've just finished another
session on Wednesday night. That's all finished up on the
group coaching and again, just the responses coming out of that
was just awesome. So go check it out.
Amy does a free one on one clarity session.
Can you share about what that is?
Yeah, it's basically the first part of the initial session I do
with any client and it's essentially a few.
They feel very random, but questions to try and just get an
indication of where you're at in life and where things might feel
a little stuck or where you might need a little bit more
clarity, hence the name, and shift up some of your thinking
to kind of see it from a different perspective.
So it's helpful because it a lot of people will be like, yeah, I
feel stuck, but I don't really know why or where or they
haven't had, you know, frameworks like this to kind of
help them identify where it is. So it's just the first part of
that first session as a complementary thing so that
people can experience what coaching is like and they can
experience a little bit of like a shift up in terms of how
they're approaching these areas. They're needing more clarity and
all these areas they're wanting to develop because they may or
may not have that clarity already.
So that's what it is. Yeah.
So if you if you want to find out more information or if you
want to reach out to Andy, you can go to Next Catch, next
catching, next coaching chapter. Oh, you say it.
Yeah, you can go to next. Blair tried to say this too many
times. I'm not gonna include them all,
but it was very funny. So the website is www.you.
Don't need to. Www.nextchaptercoaching.com dot
AU but also you can go to our website, it's on there as well.
It's on our website. She's also on Instagram so you
can reach out to us on socials as well.
If the website's too hard to remember, it's the same as the
Instagram account anyway, but. Honey, we need to chat.
Yeah, yeah, go that one too. Yeah, definitely.
Awesome. Thanks so much for being with us
today, guys. Thanks so much for learning all
about this. Beautiful.
Now, everybody, now you've got a world of accountability.
Love that. Anyway, have a good week guys.
Good. Chat guys.
Yeah, bye.