Hey guys welcome to Honey. We need to chat.
We have had a day. One evening we've had an.
Evening, we did have an evening. Yeah, we had one.
It's still in that. We're still having an evening,
yeah. So we've been, yeah, well, it's
it's not too late, which is good as nine.
Getting up to 930. I had work tonight at a meeting.
You had to take the kids to A. Award tonight, and I didn't
remember about it until I picked them up from school and they're
very excitedly told me that we were coming back to school at
6:00 PM. So that was fun.
I was very glad that you filmed it.
Yes, it was very cute. Hmm, Yep.
So something. It's tough.
I really try and get to which my work usually allows for.
Then, well, you don't normally have night time things on, so
that's helpful. Anyway, we're set up now, so
tonight is a regular chat or no chat.
Well, it's a regular there's. Not regular.
Because we've got two different types, and the regular is both
types because they're both. Regular.
I think we need to find either a name for this type of episode,
or just regular, normal, that kind of thing.
This is a Reddit chat, so these in these episodes Amy will go on
to Reddit and grab a bunch of topics that have been discussed
on there. Bring it to the podcast and we
will discuss it either what would we do in that situation or
how could we avoid that situation happening.
When we think about we really try and bring it from our
perspective rather than talk about what just about what they
should do. But what would we like to do in
that situation? So I don't know what these
topics, so it's gonna be surprise surprise for all.
But before we start we brought I've brought out a chat jar
because we love to do Ice Breakers to get us into the
mood. Hmm, the chatting mood.
So I have got a bunch of questions up on this jar.
Did you show them your art on the jaw?
It's very pretty. Chat.
Jar and And even the paperwork on the outside, Yeah, the the
very intentional. Ripping.
Ripping of the Whatever Passata or whatever it was sticker.
So I'm just going to grab questions out of here.
I'm going to ask 2 questions. You think you're amazing?
Yeah. When you think so, I'm in charge
of the Ice Breakers. Yeah, Just so you know, that's
my job. All right.
What's one thing you thought you'd never do until you met me?
What's one thing I didn't really think I'd eat?
Like hella penny pennies. Jalapeno jalapenos.
I don't know her side. The spicy thing.
Yeah, jalapenos. Filipinos, But I got into them a
little bit. What do we what do you have with
it? You have jalapenos and something
it's not by itself. Well, usually I'll have it with
when we go to tacos, Tacos, tacos.
I have wood chips and that Chipotle, I think it's Chipotle
sauce, whatever it is so good, so good.
Now I want that. The thing I thought I would
never do until I met you was get into was it called the show San
Parks and Rec and Parks? And well, the.
Office. No, No, no, no, no, no, no.
Like England. Old times.
Downton Abbey. Yeah, that's the one.
I never thought I would get into shows like Downton Abbey.
So we've just finished the. Yours are not working Gilded
Age. And I really got into it.
I actually really loved it. And I would never have.
Got You Got into it more than I did.
Yeah. At first I got into at the end
because I was editing our episodes while we watched it.
Question one down? No, just throwing.
Down just threw it on the ground.
My job If you could pick any character from a book or movie
that reminds you of me, who would it be?
So there's a few. Nick from New Girl reminds me of
you. Yeah.
Yeah, I I reckon if there's any character from the guy that
everyone. Be nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's the best. He's.
You're just a little bit of like this cranky, older than your
age, man. And just similar vibe, but also
the guy from Sorry fluttering in the best way.
That's what makes Nick endearing.
And then the guy from I Can't I'll Pimento.
I think his name is. It's like don't know.
If I should be insulted or honoured by that, but I'm
actually strangely honoured. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a he's a
good character. Brooklyn's crazy.
If you don't know who he is, he's crazy.
And there someone actually said it to us.
One of our good friends is like, you look exactly like Pimento.
Think it was her that said it first.
And then I couldn't not see everything he's in.
Actually, that guy. I could just see your eyes and
some of your face. What about?
Me, I I don't have like a movie or TV character, but I remember
when I saw you your. Smile.
And I've said this ever since. Like your smile.
Like your jawline and everything.
Remind me of like Reese Witherspoon.
Hmm. But don't know.
Why? Which is so weird to me.
Yeah, but I've had another person say that.
Yeah, as well. Yeah, I don't know why, but
yeah, just your your jawline and your smile reminds me of her.
So I guess like she's a she's in, but rather than a particular
character. Is there anybody by personality,
that or character that reminds you of me?
No, because we don't really watch shows like that.
Like, I feel like a lot of the shows we watched are extreme.
I guess every character you've said about me is extreme and my
extreme. No, but you know what I think it
might be is this is probably a hot take, controversial a lot of
shows. The girl characters in my
opinion are very weak characters, so or they're kind
of annoying and potentially some people love them.
But I'm like I'm listing off our favourite ones in my head right
now and all of my favourite characters are the guy
characters. Yeah, because they're even
though they're some of them are extreme, like Dwight for example
from The Office. He's extreme but he's so you
feel so much affection towards him.
Whereas like Pam, she's nice, but she's kind of just like a.
I said I like Penny and she has some great moments, but it's
like it's she's, how I say, too dull to be like you.
But I love her. Character.
But it's not you. I will take it.
That's the safest answer you could possibly have given.
Thank you. Yeah, well, that all that gets
you off the hook of having to try and think of someone says
good, yeah. Break the head into the topics.
Yeah well firstly I just want to say even though this is this
dates this episode a little bit, we have been so excited to have
launched. Yeah cause cause we pre record
so this won't come out until weeks after we've launched.
But we launched this last week in real time and it's been so
incredible and humbling and the feedback has been amazing.
And I was saying to Blair when I was preparing for this episode,
I just want to, like, record and then release like, straight away
because it feels weird to like, yeah, it's away.
And also because we've learned so much in the episodes, we've
recorded that, like, now we're doing things that we didn't do
at the beginning. So I'm still having to edit our
early ones and be like, yeah, And even now we're still.
It took us like an hour to get more longer to get ready just to
try and brainstorm some stuff. But anyway, we're really
excited. It's been amazing.
Thank you so much for everyone that has supported us, shared
like subscribe and all of that. But also I just want to say
thank you so much for those that have written in my dad's been oh
man, they're just warms our hearts, wants our souls.
Just to get that feedback that it's been relevant to you guys.
It's been so encouraging because, yeah, especially when
you start out, you don't know the impact that you could have.
You just like, hey, this would be fun, but we hope we can help
people. But until we actually hear it's,
yeah, you just don't know. So that was probably the biggest
thing is like, oh, we just going to be another podcast that just
chats nothing news, but it hasn't been that.
And so we want to thank you so much for those that have written
in and we want to keep encouraging that.
So yeah, please tell us your stories, share with us.
I would go on this journey with us as we as we grow, we want to
grow with you guys. So we just want to thank you
again. For all of the.
Support. It's been very, very
encouraging. Of us have been on podcast
previously like hosted podcast previously and the one that I
did with a good friend of mine was a beautiful podcast and I
love it And if you are a mom check it out this this is our
village. But we did it for two full years
and so many times we're like we can see people are listening
like I said we'd say on our episodes like if you're
listening let us know we'd put like surveys out and we got such
few responses, which is fine. I was like, I know there's
people listening, I can see it And then after we finished the
podcast we'd have people come up and say Oh my gosh, I listened
to every episode. It was really encouraging but I
was like I wish I'd known like I wish I'd known cause it was
really hard. So it's been so nice to have
feedback. So the first weekends, yeah.
Like we, we launched Friday, yeah.
And then by Sunday we're getting.
Feedback and. Which is amazing.
Yeah, absolutely. And like Blair said like 100%.
If you're sitting there like, oh, I really enjoy the podcast.
But I don't really wanna message or I feel awkward messaging or
they'll think it's weird or like like we love hearing that that
means everything to us and it's really easy to fall into moments
of being like is this even worth doing or like do people even
care about this. And so whenever we've had those
messages, even in the last since Friday, which is not even a
week, I've had so many ups and downs of being like, this is not
going to do anything. It's not going to be important.
And then I'll get a message and it's boosted that.
So please do continue. Yeah.
Anyway, so yes, as Blair alluded to, we have a theme for the
stories that I've collected. Sometimes it's hard to find
stories that are fully and a theme, especially because
they're so like each story, so unique.
But I think I've gotten a vague theme and I'm just going to say
it's probably not using English, right.
And that's fine. The theme is.
English is overrated. As we go on to our English
speaking podcast, yes, the theme is the taboo of it all, meaning
those things that are hard to talk about when you're married.
But they sometimes do sit there under the surface and we need to
chat. Alright, so the first one is.
These are all from R Slash relationships on Reddit.
The first one is called. My boyfriend said that he likes
me when I was skinny. Straight away.
Right away in the guns in the gut.
And I was, yeah, I was just gonna read it.
Me, 21, female, and my boyfriend, 22 male, were out for
dinner and talking about celebrities that had gained
weight. He said he didn't like them
anymore because they got fat. So I asked him, do you think
that about me too? When we met five years ago, I
was skinny and pretty, but I've gained a lot of weight because
of COVID, some family issues and other things in life that have
caused me stress. Now I'm huge and I don't like
myself, but he has never said anything about this.
I hate this language, but I'm just going to read this story
like the persons written it after I asked the question, he
said. I still like you, but if you're
asking me if I prefer you now or before, I'm gonna say before the
whole world just collapsed around me.
I started crying and I asked what don't you like about me
now? And he said I liked your skinny
face and your body in general. We went home after that and I
was crying a lot at home. I kept crying and he started
saying that he still likes me and loves me and that gaining
weight didn't change his feelings.
But he just wanted to answer the question honestly, I don't know
what to think. Our sex life didn't change when
I gained weight. It maybe even got better, which
is why I was so shocked. Our relationship is fine, of
course we fight, but not about love or attraction.
I just think that when you love somebody, you don't care about
their body. If they're fat, skinny, chubby,
etcetera. You just love them for who they
are. If you've experienced something
like this, tell me what to do and what to think about this.
Hmm. So as I was preparing these
stories. Thank you for the easy.
Talk. I just dived right in.
They're all a bit like this. That's the taboo of it all.
As I was preparing for these stories, I was saying to Blair,
I think there's two layers that I'm kind of going for, at least
right now. One is the story, which is the
whole thing in its own, and then the other is the conversation
that sits behind it. So addressing it slightly
separately, yeah, yeah, just that's the kind of context of
it. Well, cause again, what we wanna
do is look at this scenario and put ourselves in our position,
right? So we're not gonna come out from
what he should and shouldn't have done straight up he
shouldn't have done. It he has said in his story, in
the story that she's written, I still love you.
Like it hasn't changed what I feel about you.
In my thinking when I read this, I for one thing, they're 21 and
22, so they're young. I think potentially he said
something stupid, not potentially he has said
something stupid and potentially he didn't think through it very
much when he first said it. Whether he I, I think it's very
possible to still love somebody completely and have some
negative feelings about stuff like how their body has changed.
I don't know that it's important to say that to them.
She did ask him. It's just one of those delicate.
Things. That's where I was going to go.
Alright, so I just want to say some facts.
Facts. Facts.
I mean, COVID, I don't know where they were, but we put on
weight in covered like oh man, what was our triggers we had.
We would go into a circle cycle cycle.
We would go too much alcohol and too much food and bought.
Sorry, much dumb. Stuff.
And too much alcohol. Too much?
Food. So it would do one and then we'd
move to the other, so we'd eat, overeat.
That's what it started with. I think we're like ordering like
menu log all the time. Also, it was a really depressed
time, like you were like burnt out.
It was horrible. So I no down.
I'm just saying, like, yeah, COVID was a time of putting on
weight. Right.
Ovary moved to alcohol, moved to buying, moved to overeating.
Yeah. And as well, putting family
stuff in there too, like there's other things that are in there
now what? What I want to ask you because
I, I hear this law from a lot of guys, like, they don't wanna lie
about it. Right.
So this was us. Hmm.
How would you have wanted me to respond if you were asking me?
Because that's The thing is OK, like, just to say facts, right?
You've had four kids. When?
After you gave birth, you did not look like what you did.
Like, straight after you gave birth, you did not look like
what you did when we got married.
Right. Now, I've said to you very
truthfully, my love for you and everything had not changed.
And it had not, my attraction to you had not changed at all.
I genuinely mean that. But if it's this person and
I've, I've just heard a lot of guys say comments on like
specific comments and I'm just like, why?
Like obviously, obviously you know that you don't look the
same as you did before having kids, right?
Like straight after babies. I'm talking about obviously you
knew that. How would you have liked me?
How are you asking me this question?
How would you like me to respond?
So the question that she asks in this is he's they're talking
about celebrities that have gained weight and he's saying I
don't like him anymore because I got fat.
I think it's the first dumb comment. 100% like.
Also, they don't like you either, so not down there
anyway, but so they're already talking about that.
So he's saying I don't like them because they gained weight.
This is what she's written in. And then she says she's like,
well, I've gained weight. Do you think that about me too?
Then he says I still like you, but if you're asking me if I
preferred you now or before. Yeah, right.
I would say before. So that is that is the thing.
So if I was to say to you, have I gained weight and you said no,
I'd be like well, you're lying because I know that I have.
There's no, I don't think there's any benefit in lying to
somebody. But I also don't think.
I also didn't think if I had said, have I gained weight.
And you're like, yes, that wouldn't be helpful either.
I think if you said, yeah, I mean your buddies changed, your
buddies changed a lot, you've had four babies.
And then reinforce that to me. And also, like, the neutrality
of it, rather than it being like, yeah, you have, you know,
or like, yeah, Yeah. Like there's like a there's a
neutral park where it's like, yeah, your body's changed.
I wouldn't want you to lie because for one thing, it would
make me not trust you. Yeah.
And it's not necessary. Also it's my I've asked the
question, hmm, if I said to you, do you not like me anymore as
well, like you don't like these celebrities?
And you said if you're asking if I preferred you before or now,
and you said you preferred me before, see.
But the reason I brought this up is not to just smash this guy
cause he said something stupid it he'll probably be digging
himself out of that grave for a long time.
The reason I brought it up is people's bodies change.
Hmm. And especially for women, when
they've had children, there's a huge insecurity around their
body changing. How do people navigate that?
That's kind of the underlying question.
Well, how have you? That's probably a good question.
Have you never got it that right?
That's been a journey for you for for many years now.
Such a big question like is in there's not like an easy answer
we can do in one episode, but instead of the insecurity side
of it because we'll deal with it, I'll talk about that in a
SEC. There's also the side of can a
partner's attraction to someone waiver based on their physical
appearance? And then I guess the other
question is what is attraction? Because I think as you get
older, everybody's body changes right and and breaks down.
And in most cases and everybody's case, as you get
older, your body starts to breakdown.
Some people get fitter as they get older and that's incredible.
But you change, you get wrinkly, you get old.
So traction can't be fully based on how you look, has to be
something else as well. So I I so when you said that I
had to take a deep pause because I feel like I've got a couple of
different conversations in my head that I'm like how would
that conversation go like well that scenario be.
I believe that it's down to what you're entertain your mind with.
Yeah, right. If if you allow your mind to
hold physical appearance above other elements of your partner,
hmm, then yes, I think you could lose attraction to your partner,
right. But if that's, I think that's a
very shallow thing to hold on to because like you said, we were
going to change. Like, you know, in 40 years
we're going to look very differently.
And we suddenly. Gonna be the issue there.
It's going to be can I actually get Ben money, you know?
Like, can you do it? Yeah, and but even like, even
not that you could be in a car crash and have or get horribly
burnt suddenly. Like it's something totally
outside of your control. Could totally change how you
look suddenly. Yeah.
And that's and I think that's The thing is like So what are
you investing in with your relationship, right.
And again, the importance of communication, the importance of
investing in the in our relationship, getting to know
each other and that being the the beauty of the relationship
rather than to attractive people.
Hmm. Yeah, I'm like attraction is
still a big part of that. Hmm.
But it's not the the. I don't know.
It's it's no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not.
I'm looking No, no, no. You didn't say anything wrong.
I'm looking because it's such a it's such a hot take.
It's such a complicated. Thing to say it but I I feel
pretty strongly about that. I feel pretty strongly that it's
it's really down to what are you holding on to in that
relationship in the in terms of the values thing whatever else.
You know if we take it covers for example we put on a lot of
weight in COVID me included and you just you just had our
daughter you had a lot more of an excuse than I did.
For me putting on that weight was more than just me putting on
weight right. And she said herself she was
going through stuff. Then she put on weight.
And again, like I think of. When he's focusing on that, it's
like he was looking for an excuse to say something.
About exactly. And that's where all this sort
of getting to be like cringy about cause he's focusing on the
wrong thing there. Like, I don't think the focus is
the weight and we've had health conversations you and that's
very different than awake conversation.
It's tied in, but it's not. It's not the thing.
No. And so we've had health
conversations and then but it was really focusing on the
underlining issues of what was going on.
I think the what. So to answer my question, I just
asked you the attraction thing. Similarly, in a previous episode
we spoke about this your attitude, so like bitterness.
Similarly to that what you like. You said what you entertain in
your head is where your focus is going to be.
I think that physical attraction is an element of romantic love.
But physical attraction is in the eye of the beholder because
there are so many people that I, my friends, would say would be
attractive. And I'm like, I don't see it.
I don't see it at all. And the people that I found
attractive that they wouldn't see as attractive.
So you can see attraction, attractive qualities in somebody
outside of them looking perfect because nobody looks perfect for
one thing, you can find attractive qualities in people.
You can be attracted to different things.
If that's purely based on their size of their body, then that's
flimsy. Hmm.
That's not a statement on them. For one thing.
That's not a statement on this girl having gained weight like,
oh, she's lost her attractiveness.
That's actually statement on how 3D his perception of attraction
is. If that's what has happened, if
he's lost his attractive attraction to her because she's
gained weight, his attraction was very weak and very like,
shallow. Shallow.
Yeah, it's not deep. It doesn't have multiple
dimensions to it and so that's more on him than it is on her.
The other thing with this is what you focus on is what you
get. You can, you can look at
somebody and be like there getting bigger and bigger and
you can become so obsessed with that for whatever reason.
It could be because of them changing or because of the
lifestyle that sits around it. And that's probably more of a
thing for us in our conversation has been more of like what's the
lifestyle that we're sitting there sitting around, the
health, the physical changes. So you know, not moving.
That's a lifestyle that comes with other things.
So like, you know, you're not like you could be depressed, for
example, and there's a whole bunch of stuff that plays into
that. What you focus on is what's
gonna fill your brain. And so I think if you are
sitting there like obsessed about the fact that your partner
is gaining weight, you're gonna be obsessed with the fact that
gaining weight, you probably gonna find yourself struggling
to feel physically attracted to them.
You can also change that and focus on the things that are
beautiful about them. And I think everybody has things
that are beautiful about them. And so I think that's a personal
attitude challenge on them. The other thing about this is
what is he wanting to gain from this conversation?
What is your outcome that you want?
Do you want them to know you actually gained weight?
I want you to lose weight, like is that what cause that kind of
sounds like what he was trying to do.
Like he said, he found a moment so you just like answered so
that he could get. He could finally say the thing
he wanted to say. If you want to build up your
partner and help them be the best person that they can be,
there's a way to go about this conversation that is not this
way, especially if you know they're insecure.
Absolutely. And yeah, I don't know.
I just think back to the conversations we've had.
Cause again, weight has been a big topic of conversation for
us. And I'm not perfect.
Like I I say dumb stuff all the time, but never about weight.
I don't think that's such a universal struggle for guys and
girls. Like, I don't think it's just
women. Well, she's insecure about it.
She actually feels the same way, yeah.
So it's easy to make him look like a villain because he said
and he shouldn't have said it, but she also feels the same way,
like she's got the same deal going on.
It's just in the insecurity basket rather than the being
rude basket. Yeah, and I wanna say like as
well for for me and for the guys listening into you know, I
remember there was a moment so I was like, alright, so I'm
struggling with this stuff, what can I do about it?
And I think what you said to was focusing in on, you know, the
the beauty of that person. You know that that's where you
focus and actually be intentional about that focus
too. I remember when I felt like
there was a flip, a switch that was flipped for me in terms of
my intentionality of becoming the man, becoming the husband,
the dad I wanted to be. And I and I think, you know, I'm
talking about like it was a series of sermons talking about
pretty much had a love a woman in a way, in a non sleazy way.
And it was the real challenge to me because I think growing up
too and I didn't. I'm a, you know, a family of me,
my brother and my dad and my mum, right?
So my, the influence of how to speak to women and stuff like
that was very minimal for me. I didn't have.
There wasn't many women around. No, exactly right.
And I was in a very man's man world growing up and stuff like
that too. And not to blame that, but it
was. It was actually when I saw there
was something different in a different way to do it and and
an honourable way to be a a husband and dad and stuff like
that. I'm like oh man, that's
something I want to do. But it took that moment for me
to see something different, to realise that I need something
different. So the same time we want to show
grace. This guy 100% be like look dude
you're young man yeah you know and but also the challenge at
the same time. But do something about it like
you you do something about that you have a choice to to fix this
to or not fix it. But you have a choice to stay
down with path and be shallow or be a man and and suck it up and
like change your views. And see the deeper things.
Exactly right. Yeah I think something I want to
say is well is she's obviously insecure so and that's that is
such a common story especially for girls, I think for everybody
but especially for girls and especially around white and
physical appearance. The best way you can ever
encourage your partner to be a the best version of them is to
be uplifting and encouraging. So the I think the you would get
way better results and that sounds so weird what I'm saying
like I hear it but way better results with the parenthesis,
the quotations by being super encouraging, making her feel
super loved, making her feel really valuable, making her feel
very safe that's going to. I've the times where I've
struggled with my motivation in any way have been when I'm like
I'm feeling low, I'm stuck on the couch and I'm.
I feel lower and lower. Like that just makes it harder
and harder for me to get out of a rut of whatever kind.
The best times are when I feel empowered and uplifted and safe
and I'm able to get out of that. Then I'm actually able.
It's like my brain opens up to these other concepts like health
and that took me years, like taking pride in how I look like
that kind of thing isn't. It's like it's like survival
mode in your head. When you're in that place and
when you're in survival mode, you don't have the capacity to
think about how your physical appearance like or how to
prioritise how your physical appearance is or how your health
fitness is, that kind of thing, that's not what you put your
brain into. Your energy goes into survival.
So until you're kind of helps to get out of that and then your
brain can kind of like then you can like expand your mind and
think about health, think about how you might feel better
physically and that kind of thing.
Like once you're when you're stuck in that clutch of
insecurity driven stuff, it doesn't get better.
Even if she was to lose a tonne of weight, that wouldn't fix
this problem at all. But you can.
Like you can't work on this together.
You could work on it. Um, but this is not the way, to
say the least. It's such a I think this is just
such a big topic we can talk. About for ages.
I mean, and I think we we should recover back another point just
for sharing, maybe in a chitchat episode.
Yeah, it's a big, big topic. It's hard to know what to cover
in this. We might move on to the next
one. Let's do it again.
No, that's a bad accident. Yeah, man, what we say there are
lost when you start off with my. House.
Say about this, this is huge. That's why, that's why I said I
want to just talk about these things that like that's just
something that sits under relationships.
People don't want to talk about it.
Maybe shouldn't be talked about sometimes, but there is a
conversation there. Yeah, absolutely.
Hey guys, we just wanna pause for a second here just to ask
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So next one. I, 21, female, feel like I am
emotionally cheating on my boyfriend, 21, male, again,
young, just to note the ages. So my boyfriend, male, 21, and
I, female, 21, have been together for a little over a
year. Things haven't always been
great. We've had our fair share of
disagreements but always managed to meet each other halfway.
He's very committed to me and really wants to take care of me
and have a family someday. He's also quite attractive.
We will both have a great income in a few years because of our
education, so starting a family even as early as 25 is very
possible. Now here's where my problem
began. Recently I've been in two.
I've been into two specific men I know one of them is 40 plus,
and my relationship is nothing but professional.
So in my mind it's a crush and nothing I won't forget in a
couple weeks. It's just a harmless crush,
probably induced by his talent and confidence.
The other guy, I'll call him A, is where I start to worry,
although not in the way you might think.
This man is almost 40. He's absolutely gorgeous, and I
mean sex symbol kind of gorgeous.
He is one of those guys knows how good he looks and how smart
he is, so his confidence really shines through.
He's also really successful. I've known a for a few years and
about two years ago I noticed he started flirting with me.
I was single back then and hadn't even met my boyfriend
yet, so I subtly flirted back. This happened for just a little
while until I found out he was married, so I immediately backed
off, even though he still continues to flirt very openly.
I mean, before I knew he was married, the chemistry was there
for sure. Now I know this might look bad,
but it's not what you think. I would never get involved with
married men, even if I was single.
I love my boyfriend and I don't have any intention to hurt him,
but every time one of these men crossed my mind or flirt with me
in parentheses, she says, I don't flirt back.
I can't help but feel guilty. If I hadn't found out he was
married two years ago, I probably would have gotten
involved with him back then. I see him around quite often,
especially the last few months. Even thinking about these things
makes me feel like I've somehow cheated on my boyfriend, like he
doesn't deserve this. A is still messing with my head.
I just need some solid advice on what might resolve the
situation. OK.
So there's a B&C, there's three guys, is that right?
Well, so. Like one being her husband or
her boyfriend. Girlfriend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so. So there's the first guy is just
so much she works with and she thinks he's great.
But she's not really worried about that.
She says. Yeah, second one is this guy a,
she calls him and he's the one that's married and they've known
each other for a few years and she was flirting with him before
she realised that he was married.
So again, there's two sides to this conversation.
One is this conversation and her question around what to do with
that and the other is how you navigate attraction in marriage.
And it sort of plays off the last question because what is
attraction sort of thing? My first thoughts on this is I
can't remember or figure out if she knows these guys from work.
That's what I couldn't figure out what her context was around.
I don't think she said it in her story.
So for the first thing on my mind is, well, what context are
you seeing them in? Is it something you can avoid?
And if it is, avoid it, especially the married guy, like
avoid Big Red, avoid that. If it's something you can't
avoid, that's a that's a different dynamic and something
you have to work out because we don't always have control
around. Like if we're working with
someone, for example, we do have control at the very like base of
it all, we could be like, OK, that's it, there's too much of a
thing I gotta leave for tell my boss or something like that.
For until it gets to that extreme, it's not very easy to
control who you're around and that that sphere.
So I don't know what the context is here.
If she's got control over how much she's seeing them, my first
thing is thinking is if you're feeling that way and you're a
little nervous about it, you're nervous enough to write
interpreted about it, then you should be probably trying to
remove the contact with that person.
So we have been. You and I have been wide
districts like with this in terms of not this ever happened
to us, but we would take drastic measures like no room for
anything to come into our relationship at all.
Like that's that's the thing like even to the point where we
would change jobs, we would like if and that's The thing is like
even if he she worked with him, even if it is a work context and
I was not as easy, but we would do that.
We would remove ourselves from that workplace if that was not a
healthy place for us to be in. If there's any room is something
coming to between our marriage, our relationship, we would
remove. That which is I wanna just note,
is really easy for us to say when we're not having to do that
cause absolutely obviously the reality of changing jobs is
especially right now, hectic as. Yeah, absolutely.
That's what I'm saying. Like, yes.
That's a very daunting thought. But priority what?
I'm saying is like, I know I'm still gonna stick to my guns on
that. Though it's really easy, no, I
totally agree with. You, I would like stress that
the level of boundary and yeah, action that needs to be taken
place or something like that, something entering into between
the relationship with someone else.
Cut it off. Yeah.
Again much, much easier to be said than done.
Yeah. The other part is I think if if
that was you, I would have expectations.
So again depending on where what level was at and if if it wasn't
too far down that line if like she says in there the hunky
bunky was flirting with her and she wasn't floating back, I
would expect you to say something to him.
So actually that's inappropriate.
Again I yeah. It's there's no excuse like
there's no. I know she's like he's doing the
one thing. It's like she's she's putting it
off to some It's not it's not me.
I'm not doing it. I'm not doing this.
I'm not doing that. Like, yeah, you're.
Not she can't stop thinking about.
Them exactly. And she's entertaining it still,
by the sounds of it. And she's allowing it still
because she, you know, my guess is that she likes that feeling.
So you know, it's nice when someone shows you that
attention. It is nice, but that's a no go
zone if you've got another relationship.
Yeah. Drastic measures, it's not OK.
There's never OK, never allow it in.
So I think that's it. I would say, like what I would
expect you to do is say to him that's inappropriate.
I'm in a relationship and he might be like, Oh no, it's fine,
it's fine. Doesn't matter.
I don't appreciate it. Yeah, doesn't matter if you have
a crush on him or not. The word crush of someone else
in relationship to me. Just.
It's annoying. Yeah.
Yeah, I totally agree. And I think one thing that and
we've spoken about this specific thing before, but because you
were a pastor, it was almost like amplified the need to put
boundaries in place. I think we would have done it
anyway, but it was good like to have that extra pressure because
it was just obviously pastors need to be extra super careful
because of other stuff that's been going on.
But I think you need to as a couple.
It's really important across the board to figure out what your
values are and your priorities are.
And especially in this area, you need to sit down as a couple and
you need to be able to say like you need before it happens.
You need to have already put boundaries in place about like
what is appropriate and what isn't and what would you do and
what wouldn't you do. And I think if if your genuine
answer to the question is like if your question is what do you
want the outcome to be for your relationship, for this
situation, whatever and your your genuine answer is I want us
to be like me and my partner, to be stronger.
I want nothing to come in between that.
I don't want even like the hint of that temptation.
Then there's things that need to be like then that's your value.
So then you need to figure out your behaviour from here.
First thing is, I don't know that she's spoken to her
partner. So that's one thing that I think
for me that would be the first. Thing.
For only a year. And so also to put in here, they
are just dating so which is and they're young.
Not to say that in dating that that's fine because it's still
not fine that to me, I'm like, if you're moving on emotionally,
you need to either decide if you're going to stay with him or
move on emotionally. You don't just drag him on.
Already in How stable is this, this relationship?
Yeah, I mean, I have that confidence that he would be.
Still there. Yeah.
We've had through exactly. And it is a lot easier when you
have a commitment to your partner to kind of fall back on
and be like OK, well, when it when the rubber hits the road,
this is where our line is. And I know that you've got my
back and I know that I've got, I've got your back kind of
thing. But yeah, have the conversation.
That's the first thing I would do in this situation.
It would be so hard. And I think I'd be like, I don't
wanna make Blair freaked out, but we have had these
conversations. Well, not quite this
conversation, but like conversations in this arena
where we've had to say uncomfortable things and be
like, this is something I just want to make you aware of and
what are we going to do about it?
Kind of thing or just even just talking about it.
So it's out like we've spoken about on the podcast before,
things that are dark, like in the darkness, in the like dark
parts of your brain just sit there in there faster.
They don't get better, no. So especially when it's
something that you need to work on together, I think having that
conversation together is really important.
I know of some people that have been in this situation though,
and again, it's so hard and I don't want to come across like
it's easy at all. Their fear is like, but then my
good friend too, and we're gonna lose that relationship.
And when I heard them, I'm gonna hurt my my husband, I'm gonna
lose that friendship, all that sort of stuff.
And yeah, it's, I mean, it's going to be so hard.
But again, we just have that no compromise.
Well, what does compromise do? Is the question that I'd have in
that situation. Cause what?
Yeah, you keep a friendship with somebody and but if it's already
crossing boundaries, it's already getting blurry.
What is the benefit like? What is the long term outcome of
that friendship? What is the long term goal?
And that's always helps me when I'm trying to figure stuff out.
Is like what I want long term. What's the dynamic I want long
term? And if it's that I am OK with,
like, potentially just continuing to face over and over
slippery slopes of temptation in this area, All right, yeah, but
that's not normally gonna be people's answer.
It freaks me out a little bit. Like when when I hear that, it's
like, oh man, just nothing should be more important than
your relationship with your partner.
Like no other relationship should be more important, so
prioritise that. Like every relationship is
secondary by far. You know, there's a there's a
phrase from one of my favourite podcasts which is F politeness.
I'm just going to say F politeness, because that's who I
am. Fridge politeness.
F politeness. And they're talking about it
from your safety perspective, because especially for women,
like, we tend to struggle to be impolite.
If someone's like even like, hitting on you or something and
you don't like it, it's hard to just be like piss off.
But this is the same sort of thing here, too.
Like, it could feel, it would feel so uncomfortable to have to
say something to him. It would feel so uncomfortable
because what if he turns around and he's like, I'm not flirting
with you and you're like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't think that like that would be so uncomfortable.
But you know what F politeness. Because if he is flirting with
you, if his intentions are different, even if he turned
around and said I was not flirting with you, which is
likely what he would say, because who would?
Who would fess up to it? Yeah, especially as a married
man. You're not losing anything you.
It's an uncomfortable conversation.
You are drawing your line, you are showing where your
boundaries at. You're calling him on it, even
if he if even if he gaslights you in that moment, he's like,
no, I wasn't doing that. You're making it all up in your
head. You've lost nothing like you
have lost nothing because someone like that is not
actually worth your friendship and effort.
If they're gonna do that, if they're willing to compromise
their marriage because of that, that's not in my mind.
That's not someone who I want to put my polite energy towards and
if it's at the compromise of my partner, it's just not worth it.
I mean, they're talking about kids and stuff.
You talk about having a family. Get into it like you know.
Don't get into it. Get out of it and get into him,
you know, for him. OK, yeah, alright.
So that's, that's that one. I think the other element of it
is attraction in relationship, which sort of just ties into
what we've said. And that is, for me, that's the
same thing like you will people are attractive.
They're people that you'll find more and more, more or less
attractive. I think again, what you put your
brain to is where it stays. You looking at someone like
they're pretty attractive and then you turn away and you go on
with your life is one thing that's going to happen.
You can't control that. Looking at someone like they're
pretty attractive, so pretty attractive.
And then walking away and be like they were really
attractive. Yeah, that's a whole different
thing. Like that's where that stuff
starts. Yeah.
And that's where you're in control of your attitude and
your brain. You don't just stumble into love
with somebody you don't just like randomly all of a sudden be
like, I can't get this person out of my head because they're
so attractive. You have control over what's
going on in your head. If we didn't, we'd all be
walking around like toddlers, just snatching things off
people. Cool.
There's Dang toddlers. Hmm.
OK, I'm gonna read him the titles to you and you can tell
me which one you want to talk about.
I want to pursue gymnastics, but my boyfriend isn't comfortable
with it. Should I drop gymnastics?
Let's do that one. Yeah, yeah, cause it's light.
No, because I think we can relate.
To it, Yeah. That's why I put it in there.
Yeah, cool. All right, last story.
I19 female want to pursue gymnastics, but my boyfriend
male twenty of one year isn't comfortable with it.
Should I drop gymnastics? I've had gymnastics as a hobby
and a passion for a while now and I've always wanted to get
back to it as I dropped it for a while because I was too busy.
I found a place that is near my work but the trainers are men.
My boyfriend, after learning that they will be touching me to
support my back while training, didn't really like that and
started making jokes about how all these men will be touching
me and how they are going to be on top of me.
I didn't like what he said and it got me upset.
I felt like he wasn't supporting me.
Later, when I told him I didn't like what he said, he started
telling me it was just a joke, but that he was right about how
I shouldn't go to a place where all the trainers are men.
Keep in mind there's no other place around the area, so I'm
going to have to drop the idea of getting into gymnastics again
if I do listen to him. So here are my questions.
One, is it fair for him to think that I shouldn't do gymnastics?
And two, should I drop gymnastics because he doesn't
like it? Scenario where we're coming from
with this. The context.
Context. Yeah.
And the lens while we're coming from from this.
So our our scenario was Amy got accepted into acting school in
Hawaii when we met just after we met.
And I had applied before I met you.
And it's a bit different here, though, because one was in a
different country and I didn't. I wasn't ready to do long
distance when we first met. So I'm someone that was like, I
was never interested in the girlfriend, you know, I've never
been interested. Yeah.
Just have. To just have a girlfriend that's
always like I'm looking for a wife, This is something that I
always wanted. And so for me, I'm like, look,
long distance. It's just it's not for me, you
know. So that's that into it.
That's where it's different. I I did have issues with you
pursuing. Acting.
I wanna get your feedback on this too.
I'm not saying what I've done is right.
Yeah, I wanna get your perspective cause we haven't
really had this conversation for years now.
Yeah. Yeah.
I wasn't really OK with you doing acting school.
One. I really didn't want you to be
kissing another guy again. That's that's my job.
You know that's I'm the only guy that you did that with that that
was very strong on that. Yeah.
Even pretend relationship I just wasn't OK with, you know,
especially back then And yeah, I just, I don't know.
I think for me the the lack of security that is like it's just
such a gamble. So you hear stories of people
that have gone out and want to be an actor and they go there
for years and just nothing ever happens.
I mean I'm not I'm not ready to have that life like, you know,
to to try it for a number of years because the investments
you need to try and make it. I wasn't ready for that kind of
you need to choose in a way. I don't remember the exact words
I said, but it was along those lines.
And you aid, hmm. You didn't give me an ultimatum.
It wasn't. Well, it wasn't like we had.
We weren't even officially dating when this happened, for
one thing. Just to give context.
More context. And you weren't like, what is
it? My way or the highway?
It would have been like, as in, like, we wouldn't have dated if
I had decided to go to Hawaii. But also, like, I wouldn't have
wanted to either. Like, I would it would have
been, oh, that's my life, that I'm pursuing them.
And so I, it wasn't like my boyfriend telling me I'm going
to break up with you if you go over there.
That's a different situation. That was more like we were
getting to know each other and these were the things we're kind
of exploring. And you were like, well, if
that's what you want to explore, that's fine.
But that's probably not what my journeys.
Yeah. And so that was just part of it.
It's really interesting because there's two, two things I've
really wanted to do in my life. Like for my whole life, that's
what two things that I've been super passionate about.
One is I always wanted four kids.
I just wanted a family. I wanted kids, like ever since I
was little. That's the thing.
I was like, I just want to be a mom and I want 4 kids and I want
to be married. And that was literally one of my
life goals. And I'm not like a super
maternal person. I'm not someone who's like
obsessed with babies or anything like that.
But I knew that I wanted that. He struggled to be a stay at
home. Mom and I struggled to be a stay
home mom. Yeah.
I'm not someone who's like the classic oh she's such a mum.
Like that's just not who I am. But I love having kids and and
that literally was one of my things that I was like that's
what I want. And the other thing was acting
and it's ever since I was 13 I watched it was ironically is
literally Reese Witherspoon that like yeah, literally Legally
Blonde. Yeah, yeah.
So when I watch Legally Blonde I like deep die.
I was at a friends house. I remember so clearly.
I was at a friend's house, 213. I was having a sleepover with
her. We watched Legally Blonde and we
deep dived into the, like, behind the scenes special stuff
that you got on DVD's back then. And I was just like, Oh my gosh,
this May, This lady is amazing. She had started her own, like,
movie production company. I was like, I'm going to do that
because I'm not going to like do what everyone wants me to do.
Like I didn't want to be naked and that kind of thing.
The chilli is like a light bulb had turned on for me when I was
13 and I saw this movie. I I don't even know if I'd ever
considered acting before. I was like, I'm going to be an
actress and that just followed me through my entire life.
Like, I still feel that way. Now I'm doing it.
Now I'm in. I'm doing it now I'm.
I'm a nun in Sound of Music, but I am.
I'm like, drama is a huge passion of mine.
And so those are the two things very, very clear, very distinct
in my head that I was like, these are the two things that I
want to do with my life. But they weren't.
Like, I always knew that if I wanted to pursue acting and
actually pursue, pursue it, like do it the way that I would need
to do it to get anywhere, I wouldn't be able to have a
family. Or at least I wouldn't be able
to have the picture of a family that I wanted when I wanted it,
which was as soon as possible. And so even before I met you, I
even had this super clear voice in my head, which to me is God.
Everybody has different views on that.
But for me, it was very clearly, this is God telling me you can
do acting or you can have your family.
And I was like, I've already applied for the school.
And I met Blair literally like two weeks after.
I think I was in the process of doing it.
And then I heard back from them as we were starting to get to
know each other. And I very clearly was like, I
could pick. Blair was like straight away
when we saw each other, just kind of knew that we.
Were tell that story. We'll tell that story in more
detail, but it was very like, it wasn't just a random thing.
It was very intentional from the very beginning for both of us.
And so I knew you were significant, and I knew drama
was significant, but that there was two separate lives and I
could just totally, I'm just totally telling my whole life
story right now. But that's good that I could
choose, basically. I felt very clearly I can choose
either. None of neither of them was bad.
And I chose to stay. And yeah, and not just to stay
and be with you. Like that wasn't my whole
identity all of a sudden. But there's other things I'm
interested in, other things that I've explored, like a community
that I like, my friends and my family and everything.
That there was a whole bunch of reasons to stay here.
There was a whole bunch of reasons to go to Hawaii, but I
chose to stay here and. Here we are.
Wham bam, 4 kids. And four kids later.
So it's hard, yeah, to say this because there's a couple of
things going on in this story. One is he's not comfortable with
a bunch of guys touching her body all the time.
I understand being uncomfortable about that.
And the kissing thing is a good example of this is kind of the
same like you wouldn't have been comfortable with your wife
kissing random guys or kissing guys just for her job.
Same as if someone, if you were to do that for your job, if
something to do with working with dads meant you had to kiss
all these women. Well, he's.
Back or cancel these dads? I would be super uncomfortable
with that. So it's totally fair to be
uncomfortable with your partner doing that.
I don't think it's fair for the boyfriend to say you need to
drop gymnastics. I think it's fair for him to say
I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend being touched by a
bunch of boys, so that's a conversation we need to have if
you're gonna pursue this. So that's, I think, the
distinction. We and again it was gonna say is
it's a conversation to be had. You know it's not a you know
she's like oh should I dropped gymnastics Well that's what
you've got that she's gonna come to the conclusion of We had
conversations it wasn't again. I didn't give the ultimatum I
want you to drop acting like look this isn't for me this
isn't what I want. And he could be the same thing
like this is not the path that I want to go down and and it is a
little bit of an ultimatum but I mean again I think there at that
age where that's they get to work that out.
You know like the still young to be dating for a year working out
like this is so she needs to work out called Why?
What's more important to me in this relationship or this
career. Yeah.
And what also, I know she's saying there's nowhere else for
me to go, but in my head I'm like, are you thinking
creatively? Like, are you trying to work
around? There could be compromise there.
I think ultimatum has a bad connotation.
People are like, oh, but I actually don't think ultimatums
in the right context have to always be bad.
Like, I don't think they have to be some selfish, pushy thing all
the time. I think if you're making an
ultimatum on someone because you're like exactly what we've
said, this is not what I am comfortable with from my partner
so we can chat about it. But that's not probably the
journey for me that's that does mean she has to be like OK do I
stay with you or do I pursue this thing so that in that sense
it is an alternative. But it's not like him being like
drop gymnastics. Like I hate that you're doing
gymnastics. You can't do gym like
controlling. He's got every right to say he
doesn't wanna be dating someone who's touched by all these men.
I think it's personally I don't feel like.
It sounds exaggerated. It sounds exaggerated.
It's not what I would do necessarily.
Like, whatever her decision is, she can't do that grudgingly.
She has to do it for herself, yeah.
Yeah. And it was the same thing for
me. I could not have done that
because you told me not to. Like I couldn't have been like
Blaze told me not to do it. So I'm not going to do it.
I had to be comfortable with that decision and I had to own
that decision because otherwise I would be better.
And there's been times that I've been like I wish I had pushed
harder to do acting, not gone to Hawaii.
That was just like a long distance.
Hell no, no. But like, I wish I'd push harder
to do acting in some capacity or to just bring drama into my life
in the nice the theatre sense. I have plenty of drama in other
ways, but to bring that in in other ways, like I didn't have
to drop it completely, which I did for a long time.
But yeah, I think, yeah, you're so right.
You need to make the decision for yourself.
When you're married is different.
Hmm. You're making a decision for
your family. But when you're dating,
especially in this situation, you need to make a decision for
yourself and you need to own that decision or you will find
yourself bitter down the track. And you've brought that up quite
a lot about acting. I think something in reflection.
I could have encouraged you more in that.
I think I was just quite, you know, this is me trying to think
on the spot here, but I just think I was like, yeah, do it.
If you want to do it, do it like in theatre stuff, like local
theatre things not like Hollywood sort of stuff.
So I think that for that I probably could have been more
encouraging like hey let's alright, let's let's look into
it, let's you know, because I think yeah, you definitely were
keen on doing stuff but never really followed through with it
after that too. I don't think you understood you
were. No, I don't.
I'm sorry. From A different world, like
yeah, now you understand a lot more cause you've gone into
musicals and stuff, which is like Hamilton.
Have gone into me. You've gotten in, like hasn't
gotten interested in, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whereas at the time there was like such a foreign thing.
For you, I went to the first musical like Trees and.
Matilda or something. Else, maybe it was before we had
our oldest. But anyway, we're married so I
was like you introduced me two theatre.
But before then, yeah, I'd never.
Not even your whole world, like your whole everything was just
so the absolute opposite of where I do feel like, if I'm
honest, I feel like you are a little bit embarrassed by me
wanting to be accepted into acting.
And that makes me, it doesn't make me sad now.
It it made me feel understood a little bit, which has been
something that we've worked through as we've gone and like,
even now, like you haven't seen me act ever.
I'm super excited. Yeah.
I have 0 embarrassment. I'm telling people to come with
me to come watch, you know, like it's but again yeah and that's
that's something I apologise for.
Like I I genuinely was, but because again, I was just so
didn't get it. Like I was just so and I had a
specific view of it in my head which is so not true.
As well, which like is thank you for apologising, but the
situation wasn't because you were embarrassed.
I didn't decide not to do it because of that.
I think I didn't pursue it more, maybe slightly because of that.
I just, I think there's a lot of stuff in my life that I felt
either I haven't communicated it well or people just don't get
how significant it is to me. And so I just won't kind of go
there for a while. But we're in a really good place
with that now. When you were super encouraging
for this production that I'm in and totally encouraging to our
kids to explore that stuff and everything too, yeah, which is
cool. Anyway, that's my whole life
story about theatre and drama. But that's why I put the story
in there because I thought it was relevant.
And the taboo side of that, just to tie back into the theme as we
finish up, is like the exactly, it's conversation.
Where is the balance between putting influence into what your
partner does for certain boundaries and that kind of
thing with something she's passionate about, her partner is
not comfortable with it. Where is that balance and how do
you navigate, which I think we explored.
Yeah, it's through communication.
Communicate well. Thank you for all the other
thing that we implemented if you didn't catch our last episode
was we've decided that ChatGPT is going to write our corny
outros for us. So every week, we'll come up
with a different corny altro. Well.
PT Will Sorry, So brace yourself every week for a very exciting
AI generated outro. Folks, we've wrapped up another
gab fest at Honey. We need to chat like a bear to
honey. We hope you stick around for
more sweet talk next time, Chowskie.
Excuses, I wanna say no I didn't.
That's super corny and some Blair.
Alright, bye. Bye.