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Welcome to honey. 
We need to. 

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Chat ASMR version SMR babe, what
are you doing right now? 

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I'm doing this for you. 
You've blown my mind. 

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Thank you. 
I can hear it in my headphones. 

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I'm making myself cringe. 
I like it. 

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Why? 
I really appreciate this. 

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Anyone who really doesn't like 
ASMR has already turned the 

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episode welcome. 
Welcome to honey. 

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We need to. 
Chat unexpected for me. 

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Thank you Did. 
I'll listen back to that later 

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when I'm going to sleep. 
Anyway, welcome back to a new 

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episode. 
Thank you for being here. 

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Yeah, thank you very much. 
Thank you very much for being 

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here. 
Today is a Reddit chat. 

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It is gonna be going through a 
topic that you know that I will 

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find out. 
Yeah. 

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But before we get into that, we 
you put a story out today on the

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socials. 
Tell me about that. 

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What was the story? 
About it was a challenge for 

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those that struggle to get out 
for date nights. 

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They struggle to have quality 
time together. 

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Was a challenge to think outside
the box little bit and maybe 

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just make it happen at home. 
So something we did a lot in 

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COVID and just even just since 
being parents but it kind of 

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kicked off in COVID was at home 
date nights where we would set 

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up the lounge room, like we 
would clean it up, make it a 

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nice space. 
It was calming. 

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Set up a table in front of the 
TV and we would search 

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restaurant background scene. 
I genuinely crave this. 

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Genuinely, it sounds so corny. 
And even when I made the story 

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today, I was like, people are 
going to laugh, but it actually 

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is super transformative to the 
space, Yeah, And it made it 

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possible for us to be getting 
out. 

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I'm doing Bunny ears. 
Quotations. 

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Out when we weren't able to get 
out. 

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And it also meant that instead 
of us, you know, just sitting on

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the couch and watching our show 
that we've been watching for the

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last six weeks straight or 
something like that, we were 

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having special, different kind 
of quality time together. 

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Really. 
Really. 

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Good. 
And I think The thing is, it 

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breaks the norm. 
So exactly when you sit down, 

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the first time we did it, it was
a little bit awkward. 

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You sit down, we're all dressed 
up. 

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We've got this fake that's 
running the background. 

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Nice music, but after a while it
really helps to switch your 

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brain from OK, yes, we're at a 
proper restaurant, but it 

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switches my brain from OK, we've
just put the kids down. 

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We've just gone through the 
routines. 

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We've just gone through all of 
that, too. 

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The normal. 
OK. 

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I'm sitting down with Amy. 
Different, This is different and

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our conversations are different.
It helps me get into that. 

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That's that state of 
conversation or whatever you 

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want to call it. 
Yeah, that was really good. 

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Yeah. 
So you shared that today? 

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Yeah, I put the challenge out 
there. 

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I just randomly was thinking 
about it. 

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And yeah, we had really good 
feedback. 

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I love it guys. 
You seriously, I love the 

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feedback we get. 
And we got one. 

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We got some feedback just before
we sat down tonight, actually. 

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What was that? 
What was? 

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That one of our friends messaged
in and just showed us. 

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She had taken a photo of their 
setup, which was slightly 

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different. 
They do kind of the opposite 

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where they set up a nice like 
they set up a mattress in the 

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lounge room. 
They have like a sleepover on 

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the lounge room together, which 
is really cool and just said how

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they enjoy doing the same thing 
and how interesting the story 

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was. 
The challenge was. 

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And also just in the challenge 
that I put out there, I said use

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some of the prompts that we've 
even used on the podcast as 

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conversation starters. 
Because sometimes you get to 

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date now even when you're going 
out of the house and you just 

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sit there and all you can talk 
about is your kids or or you can

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talk about is finances or like 
me you're just in a bit of a 

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daze for a couple hours. 
And so having like a prompt to 

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encourage deeper conversation or
conversation you might not think

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of of your own is really 
helpful. 

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So I said, you know, look up the
would you rathers for couples. 

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There's so many. 
We use them all the podcasts all

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the time. 
Look up 100 questions you'd ask 

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your spouse. 
Look up the five love languages.

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Do the trend that we did the 
other week of the things you 

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might not know about us with the
social media is fake. 

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Challenge all those sorts of 
things. 

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Just kind of to think outside of
the box. 

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And yeah, she was saying that 
that's really helpful as well 

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for them in the stage that 
they're in. 

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So yeah, it was cool. 
And a couple other people 

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message in saying they're going 
to try it. 

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They hadn't thought of it 
before. 

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It's such a simple thing, and I 
think one of the parts of the 

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heart behind me sharing it is 
that it's very easy to to just 

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be stuck in this thought that we
can't get out. 

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You can't go on a date now, 
especially when you're a parent 

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and getting babysitter 
logistically is really 

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difficult. 
Or you're both working way too 

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hard and you don't have time, 
don't have finances, whatever it

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might be, we can't get out and 
you just get stuck there. 

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But the reality is you almost 
always have an opportunity to 

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switch things up and have 
quality time. 

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And if you can just think 
outside of the box a little bit,

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you can actually have that time.
It might not look the way you'd 

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ideally have it, but you can 
still have that time without 

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having to make it bigger. 
This big lavish event, Sort of. 

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Thing. 
It does take effort, and it 

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does. 
Take. 

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You know, and sometimes, and we 
recognise that it's hard, but we

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do also recognise the importance
of having that quality time 

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together and putting that 
investment in intentionality to 

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it for sure. 
So 2. 

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Two things as well. 
So we're actually gonna be 

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sending out some questions as 
well. 

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Some conversation starters for 
our people that have signed up 

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to our email list. 
So go to our website home, we 

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need to chat.com and sign up to 
our email list there. 

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But also I want to ask you guys 
to send us your conversation 

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starters. 
What are conversations that you 

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guys do? 
So Amy has some great ones that 

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she'll bring up on our 
anniversary or birthday or a 

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special occasion that she'll go 
through and we will discuss 

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those in the future. 
But if you guys have some send 

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some through to us as well 
because we wanna add that to our

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toolkit that be great. 
And share them with the 

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community. 
Yeah, the peeps. 

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Go well. 
Hit us with yeah right in Reddit

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stuff. 
So this theme, we've all heard 

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the saying, it's not what you 
said, it's how you said it. 

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And that's essentially what this
theme is. 

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However, I just want to change 
it slightly because sometimes it

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is what they said, sometimes it 
is what you've said. 

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It's what you. 
Said so. 

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And how you. 
Said it and how you said it. 

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So my, my spin on it is it's not
what you meant. 

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It's how it was said, a little 
bit different because inside you

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might not have meant it to be 
that way. 

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What you said and how it was 
said, that's so great. 

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That's the theme of our stories.
And relatable. 

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For some of us, yeah, it's 
relatable for everyone. 

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But for some of us, more than 
others. 

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Cooking with Amy. 
Alright, wait, you need to start

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us. 
Oh yeah, I drink already, raised

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my cup to my mouth and I was 
like, I can't stop now, yeah. 

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I have to. 
Complete Complete this journey 

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of cup to mouth. 
Alright, over to the chit chat 

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jar. 
No, perfectly decorated. 

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Shake it up the perfectly What? 
Decorated ohk OK sorry, this 

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question is what's a goal you 
have for us for the next five 

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years? 
In what capacity? 

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All over the capacities. 
Oh my goodness. 

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Well, just what's a goals like I
could as your choice like what's

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a goal that you have for us? 
It's gonna let's keep it 

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relationally for our 
relationship in the next five 

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years. 
I think continuing or maybe 

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getting back to building our 
relationship because it's it 

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hasn't been on hold obviously 
because that's not a healthy 

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thing to do. 
But there because we've been 

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having kids for the last 7 or 
eight years, it's kind of been, 

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there's elements of it that we 
haven't really been able to 

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super invest in. 
And I feel like now that we've 

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got all of our children, one 
goal is just to not have another

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child. 
Obviously would love the child 

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if it was to come, but let's aim
for that not to be the case. 

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Let's aim for us not to love 
another child. 

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Let's aim for us to love really 
well the children that we have 

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anyway. 
And on top of that, instead 

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finally having some intentional 
time to build some of the things

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that we haven't been able to 
maybe put much effort into, 

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including our quality time. 
That's one thing because our 

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kids are moving into school age,
and that's just totally changing

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the season that we're in. 
Um, yeah, our emotional and 

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physical intimacy. 
That's another thing that I 

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wanna kind of invest back into, 
where it's kind of been drained 

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in a lot of ways over the past 
season. 

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That would be a goal. 
About you, I like I said, we're 

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going to New Zealand for this 
counselling session for us from 

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my goal for us in the next five 
years is that in five years we 

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have things that we do every 
year. 

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Do you mean like at the moment 
we're exploring things for us to

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be doing to be investing in. 
So it's kind of like discovery 

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stage. 
So in five years I would love us

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to be. 
No, that's actually part of our 

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relationship is our investment 
and intentionality for our 

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growth in our relationship. 
And it's like, cool, alright, we

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wanna go to New Zealand this 
year, but this is the thing that

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we do and it's it's. 
Standing appointment Almost. 

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Absolutely. 
It's not a This would be nice to

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do like, no, no, no, this is a 
must because we've seen that 

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when we give something room to 
fester or if we like, haven't 

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been intentional on some area or
let some things slide, it grows 

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and it grows yucky. 
So that's where it's like, well,

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if you know, whatever it is, 
whatever we decide to do, it's 

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making sure that we're not 
allowing. 

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Yeah, we're not letting things 
faster. 

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We're not giving them. 
We're not hiding them away for 

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so long that they can grow. 
Yeah, we're just airing them 

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out, airing our dirty laundry. 
And the professionals. 

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Cool. 
Good question. 

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Is that it? 
That's it. 

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Which is the one? 
Oh, OK, Did we do two? 

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Last time I see two, there's 
another one that's. 

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Let's just get it out. 
So much weighing on one 

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question. 
It's response if we only do the 

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one. 
Oh my gosh. 

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What's the most valuable lesson 
you've learned from our past 

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00:10:01,270 --> 00:10:03,880
argument? 
These questions are so big. 

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I'm so this is not your Would 
you rather anymore this is. 

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These are. 
These are the stuff. 

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Is the most valuable lesson I've
learned from past argument not 

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to turn it malicious or 
critical, Like as in not to make

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the argument and attack on you 
or on whoever I'm attacking 

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attack on the person's value? 
You for me is it's. 

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00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:38,300
I think we've covered it in a 
past episode, but take a deep 

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00:10:38,310 --> 00:10:43,540
breath and don't react to my 
side. 

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Like, don't be like and really 
push that I've got. 

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I've gotta defend myself. 
I've gotta do this, I've gotta 

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do that. 
And it's really to take that 

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breath and try and listen to 
what is actually the issue. 

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Because like we're going to be 
talking about tonight. 

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And again I don't know what 
these top what these actual 

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scenarios are but for ours it's 
been, well, you know you're 

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saying this thing and you're 
saying it this way but what are 

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you actually meaning Yeah, you 
know where we're all where is 

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this coming from So what's the 
behind the things to help me to 

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address that in the commonplace.
Yeah. 

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Come away. 
I think, to sum that up, really 

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good point. 
The argument is often not just 

230
00:11:22,730 --> 00:11:24,770
the argument, right? 
There's almost always stuff 

231
00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:27,010
going on underneath. 
So what's that? 

232
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,870
That's the more important issue 
than than the surface level 

233
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,510
argument most of the time. 
Unless the arguments obvious 

234
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:38,110
like don't do that. 
OK, I want to do that. 

235
00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:40,810
And that's that. 
On honey, we need to. 

236
00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:43,590
We need to chat. 
Alright, so let's dive into some

237
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:47,230
of these. 
It's not what you meant, It's 

238
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,070
everything about how it was 
said. 

239
00:11:50,060 --> 00:12:05,170
It's getting longer. 
Honey, we need to chat, alright?

240
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:08,830
First story, Boyfriend said. 
I have no opinions. 

241
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,730
My boyfriend, 21, male and I21 
female, have been together for 

242
00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:15,590
over a year now. 
We hardly ever argue, though. 

243
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,310
Sometimes I find it challenging 
to get him to open up about his 

244
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,110
feelings. 
Overall, we have a good 

245
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,190
relationship and I care about 
him a lot. 

246
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,330
Whenever we hang out, he always 
asks what I want to do and I 

247
00:12:25,340 --> 00:12:27,630
usually respond with a casual. 
I don't know, I'm fine with 

248
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,350
whatever, that's just me being a
chill person. 

249
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,900
Or so I thought last night. 
We were chilling at his place 

250
00:12:33,910 --> 00:12:36,090
and he throws out the classic 
question, What do you want to 

251
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,920
do? 
I said, I don't know, play 

252
00:12:37,930 --> 00:12:41,020
Hogwarts Legacy maybe, but we 
can watch something if you want.

253
00:12:41,450 --> 00:12:44,080
His response seemed a bit 
annoyed as he asked, well, do 

254
00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:46,040
you want to play Hogwarts 
Legacy? 

255
00:12:46,370 --> 00:12:48,680
I shrugged and said sure, sounds
good. 

256
00:12:48,850 --> 00:12:51,540
Then he came back with, but what
do you actually want to do? 

257
00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:54,160
To which I told him I'm really 
OK with whatever. 

258
00:12:54,230 --> 00:12:56,740
He then went on to say that I'm 
very indecisive, which he's 

259
00:12:56,750 --> 00:12:59,500
correct about. 
I responded by saying he always 

260
00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:02,150
asks me what I want to do, but 
he never knows what he wants to 

261
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,780
do either. 
He then said, when I ask you 

262
00:13:04,790 --> 00:13:07,330
what you want to do, it's not 
because I don't know what I want

263
00:13:07,340 --> 00:13:09,500
to do, it's because I want you 
to decide. 

264
00:13:09,570 --> 00:13:12,520
Then he said something along the
lines of I have opinions, which 

265
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,120
is something you never seem to 
have. 

266
00:13:14,930 --> 00:13:17,200
His words stung more than I 
expected. 

267
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:20,040
It felt like he was saying I 
didn't have a mind of my own. 

268
00:13:20,370 --> 00:13:22,980
We didn't talk much after that 
and I couldn't shake how it made

269
00:13:22,990 --> 00:13:25,460
me feel. 
Since we rarely fight, I was 

270
00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:27,870
worried that this is truly how 
he feels about me. 

271
00:13:28,270 --> 00:13:31,000
Eventually I let it slide but 
I'm unsure how to address it 

272
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,980
without causing more tension. 
Did I overreact? 

273
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,830
And then this person did an edit
to add at the end after reading 

274
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,780
some of the comments. 
After reflecting on responses, I

275
00:13:40,790 --> 00:13:43,620
realised my habit of avoiding 
decisions has caused tension in 

276
00:13:43,630 --> 00:13:45,960
our relationship. 
I've always been in 

277
00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:48,750
relationships with controlling 
people that I let make decisions

278
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,920
to avoid conflict, but my 
boyfriend isn't like that. 

279
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,740
I also struggle with anxiety, 
which might contribute to my 

280
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,710
fear of making the wrong choice.
I'm going to talk to him and let

281
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,110
him know that although his 
comment hurt me, I'm ready to 

282
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,230
take more initiative in making 
decisions. 

283
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,720
It's time to work on this 
together. 

284
00:14:05,210 --> 00:14:07,580
Well done. 
I thought it was such a well 

285
00:14:07,590 --> 00:14:10,950
rounded story, complete, they 
finished it. 

286
00:14:11,030 --> 00:14:14,720
But the conversation behind this
is obviously he's he's come out 

287
00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:19,280
and said I have opinions, you 
never have opinions, which is 

288
00:14:19,290 --> 00:14:22,360
not like a massive stab, but it 
it obviously hurt her. 

289
00:14:22,370 --> 00:14:24,680
It made her feel a bit like 
maybe he doesn't think she's 

290
00:14:24,690 --> 00:14:26,280
someone who has a mind of her 
own. 

291
00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:28,520
She just floats along. 
I've actually had almost this 

292
00:14:28,530 --> 00:14:31,020
exact conversation. 
Not in a hurtful way. 

293
00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:33,320
Like with me. 
Or no, with with one of my 

294
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:37,260
previous partners, it was very 
well done, but it was. 

295
00:14:37,390 --> 00:14:42,080
I was very, very young when we 
were dating and I genuinely, as 

296
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,620
I've mentioned on the podcast 
before, kind of didn't feel like

297
00:14:44,630 --> 00:14:47,150
I was awake to myself. 
So it's so bizarre, but you know

298
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:51,050
what I mean? 
And so I was so scared to to be 

299
00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:54,930
offensive or to like to be wrong
on something or to like say so. 

300
00:14:54,940 --> 00:14:57,450
So I was just always like 
whatever, whatever. 

301
00:14:57,620 --> 00:14:59,280
And then one time he sent me 
down. 

302
00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:01,540
He's like, you can actually 
disagree with me or say what you

303
00:15:01,550 --> 00:15:03,030
actually think about something 
sometimes. 

304
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:07,130
And I was like, OK, which is not
an offensive thing at all, but 

305
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,980
it it just was confronting. 
So I thinking with these 

306
00:15:09,990 --> 00:15:13,090
conversations, it's not what 
they meant, it's how they said 

307
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:15,450
it. 
So maybe we could talk about how

308
00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:18,810
we might reword this in that 
situation to address the same 

309
00:15:18,820 --> 00:15:21,680
issue, but in a way that 
wouldn't hurt. 

310
00:15:22,010 --> 00:15:25,260
I think with this scenario too 
though, it's it's so much 

311
00:15:25,270 --> 00:15:27,590
broader than just like 
boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, 

312
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,610
wife stuff. 
This is, I think through this. 

313
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:34,460
I'm like, man, I do this with my
team members, right? 

314
00:15:34,470 --> 00:15:38,920
I, I I can be very blunt. 
I can just just say things and 

315
00:15:38,990 --> 00:15:42,380
not think about how they 
received or especially if I'm in

316
00:15:42,390 --> 00:15:45,350
a bad mood or I'm tired or 
whatever else, I can just speak 

317
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,320
and something that I'm still 
trying to work on. 

318
00:15:47,330 --> 00:15:51,060
So this is so much broader than 
just relation like intimate 

319
00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:53,710
relationships. 
And a lot of the stories I was 

320
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,460
looking through were actually 
not romantic relationships. 

321
00:15:56,470 --> 00:15:59,730
I've picked the romantic ones 
just because it's more in our 

322
00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:01,900
tone. 
But that a lot of people were 

323
00:16:01,910 --> 00:16:04,700
submitting stories that were 
different kind of platonic 

324
00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:08,440
relationships or family members.
I think First off, I think it's 

325
00:16:08,450 --> 00:16:12,080
just awesome that she has 
identified in herself. 

326
00:16:12,150 --> 00:16:15,900
And I think nearly every, nearly
every story that we've spoken 

327
00:16:15,910 --> 00:16:19,960
about has, has brought in from 
my previous relationships and 

328
00:16:19,970 --> 00:16:22,650
this happened, that happened 
now, you know, and I feel like 

329
00:16:22,660 --> 00:16:25,560
that's a lot of, a lot of the 
case for a lot of the things, 

330
00:16:25,770 --> 00:16:30,880
even our most recent arguments 
have been kind of external 

331
00:16:30,950 --> 00:16:32,360
factors. 
Getting into. 

332
00:16:32,370 --> 00:16:34,800
Applying into it. 
So again it's more than just 

333
00:16:34,810 --> 00:16:37,230
what the conversation is. 
It's like alright what's what's 

334
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,820
going, what's feeding into this.
So that's really cool. 

335
00:16:39,830 --> 00:16:42,420
That's really cool that she's 
identified that and that she's 

336
00:16:42,430 --> 00:16:47,380
going to actually go back to him
say that this hurt being like an

337
00:16:47,390 --> 00:16:49,680
address that like that. 
That's important to say. 

338
00:16:49,690 --> 00:16:53,200
You know it did hurt me. 
I did overreact, but that did 

339
00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:57,900
hurt me and this this is what I 
why I think and helping him to 

340
00:16:57,910 --> 00:17:00,520
understand why you do those 
things I think is really really.

341
00:17:00,530 --> 00:17:00,940
Good. 
Yeah. 

342
00:17:00,950 --> 00:17:04,869
Huge. 
From the start, I I we we've 

343
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,230
I've definitely struggled with 
this. 

344
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,750
You know, I've definitely 
struggled with being blunt to 

345
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,240
you and just not understanding 
things and especially if we're 

346
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:16,470
tired or frustrated already or 
whatever else, you can just get 

347
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,369
snappy. 
And I feel like this is kind of 

348
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,730
more on the minor side to some 
of the things that we've 

349
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,869
discussed, but it still is 
impactful. 

350
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:31,670
And I think one big thing that 
we really spoke about was what's

351
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:35,140
the desired outcome here? 
You know, a desired outcome 

352
00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:36,840
isn't there. 
Now I get my point across when 

353
00:17:36,850 --> 00:17:40,430
you can never make a decision, 
it's that all right, you might 

354
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,790
for some reason be struggling 
with this thing. 

355
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,390
And my desired outcome would 
genuinely be in a perfect world,

356
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:52,950
my desired outcome would be that
you feel supported by me to 

357
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,450
overcome a struggle that you 
might have. 

358
00:17:55,530 --> 00:17:59,490
But that's that's the perfect 
com and so I think with with the

359
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,140
way that he's spoken about it, 
it doesn't it's that's not 

360
00:18:02,150 --> 00:18:06,010
communicated. 
It's just just do better, right.

361
00:18:06,090 --> 00:18:11,760
We've really tried to work on 
the team elements of the 

362
00:18:11,770 --> 00:18:14,520
struggle. 
So to have team in mind one 

363
00:18:14,530 --> 00:18:18,560
thing he could have said was 
will approach the situation by 

364
00:18:18,570 --> 00:18:21,640
asking her, you know I feel like
I've noticed that you've 

365
00:18:21,650 --> 00:18:24,680
struggled to make decisions. 
You know I'll put out some of 

366
00:18:24,690 --> 00:18:28,340
these things and just wanted to 
see like do you find it hard to 

367
00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:32,010
make these decisions rather than
accusing cause one she's gonna 

368
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:35,810
go on defence like I would and I
do get straight into a defence 

369
00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:41,840
mode and the other way is more 
like open question like do you 

370
00:18:41,850 --> 00:18:46,620
think and it it helps her reflex
then my brothers done done 

371
00:18:46,630 --> 00:18:48,450
really well with me in this 
space right. 

372
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:52,340
So I can tell he's got a 
different thought in mind. 

373
00:18:52,350 --> 00:18:55,120
But he will ask, he won't come 
at me as like, oh, you struggle 

374
00:18:55,130 --> 00:18:59,240
with this thing, you know, you 
you do it this way or whatever 

375
00:18:59,250 --> 00:19:00,520
else. 
And it used to. 

376
00:19:00,710 --> 00:19:04,160
But as we've got older he's 
changed his approach to being 

377
00:19:04,170 --> 00:19:06,570
like do you think you struggle 
with this? 

378
00:19:06,650 --> 00:19:09,460
Do you think that maybe, you 
know, just putting things out 

379
00:19:09,470 --> 00:19:13,250
there not in the patronising 
way, it's a seems like a genuine

380
00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:18,710
question and what that does is 
just Psalms, my pride and and it

381
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,050
it actually, I can't really put 
my walls up. 

382
00:19:22,130 --> 00:19:25,050
Well, I can, but it's a lot 
harder to put my walls up 

383
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:27,750
because it's like, oh, maybe, 
you know, I don't. 

384
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,250
I don't. 
Know it makes you think. 

385
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,350
Absolutely. 
So rather than if you just came 

386
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,430
at me and said you're doing 
this, this and this, I'm gonna 

387
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,280
be like what? 
Like Like put your Dukes up. 

388
00:19:36,290 --> 00:19:39,430
We're gonna argue about this. 
But when it's just a genuine 

389
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,870
question out of support, I don't
know like I do. 

390
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,820
You find that you struggle with 
making decisions. 

391
00:19:44,830 --> 00:19:45,960
Like I've just asked a few 
things. 

392
00:19:45,970 --> 00:19:48,800
I just wondering like is that 
something that you find hard or 

393
00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:52,380
are you genuinely happy with me 
just making the decisions or 

394
00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:54,460
something and and going about 
that way? 

395
00:19:54,470 --> 00:19:58,790
I feel like as a more disarming 
way of asking. 

396
00:19:58,860 --> 00:20:01,650
Yeah, just curiosity. 
I think we've spoken about that 

397
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:04,810
having an attitude of curiosity,
like why do you not? 

398
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,650
What is going on for you here? 
Not because I'm annoyed, but 

399
00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:11,650
just because I'm curious. 
The other element of it is that 

400
00:20:11,660 --> 00:20:15,200
she mentions in the story that 
he doesn't much much say what 

401
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:17,290
he's thinking. 
Like he doesn't really go into 

402
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:19,290
that. 
And so for him to all of a 

403
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,930
sudden come out and it's just a 
classic story. 

404
00:20:21,940 --> 00:20:24,030
Like you would hear this kind of
thing all the time. 

405
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,170
All of a sudden it comes out 
because they're holding it in 

406
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,100
for that. 
Be the first sort of thing that 

407
00:20:28,110 --> 00:20:31,280
he's confronted as well would be
adding even more kind of shock 

408
00:20:31,290 --> 00:20:37,720
to how she's taking it. 
But I think the the, the next 

409
00:20:37,730 --> 00:20:42,240
step in this conversation would 
also be to say I need you to let

410
00:20:42,250 --> 00:20:48,020
me know earlier than this when 
you're getting irritated, like 

411
00:20:48,030 --> 00:20:50,890
we're working on what's going on
for him as well and why he 

412
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:54,380
doesn't share more often. 
And you know, she said she, she 

413
00:20:54,430 --> 00:20:57,740
has been around controlling 
people and relationships, which 

414
00:20:57,750 --> 00:21:00,160
is huge for her to recognise. 
Really, really helpful. 

415
00:21:00,390 --> 00:21:02,900
And he's not that way. 
So I wonder what's happened for 

416
00:21:02,910 --> 00:21:05,100
him in his past as well. 
Not that he should be 

417
00:21:05,110 --> 00:21:07,520
controlling, but as in is there 
something that makes him not 

418
00:21:07,530 --> 00:21:10,640
want to address the things, not 
really want to open up and maybe

419
00:21:10,650 --> 00:21:13,060
they can explore that as well. 
But I feel like this is a really

420
00:21:13,630 --> 00:21:17,550
it's ended really healthily 
healthy in a healthy way. 

421
00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:21,200
I see this is the beginning of 
their conversations though. 

422
00:21:21,210 --> 00:21:24,810
You know it's not saying that 
you won't say things in the 

423
00:21:24,820 --> 00:21:26,890
wrong way. 
You will because we just react 

424
00:21:26,900 --> 00:21:29,200
in certain things. 
Again are we tired? 

425
00:21:29,210 --> 00:21:33,070
Are we really cranky from the 
day that we've had at work or or

426
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,750
through another relationship 
whatever. 

427
00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:39,650
And So what this is, is just 
like I I love this because 

428
00:21:39,660 --> 00:21:43,550
she's, I dressed her with things
have could have fed into that 

429
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,230
but she's going back and they're
going to start the conversation 

430
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,830
and that's going to be cool. 
Let's I don't think we've ever 

431
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:54,160
started like a journey on on one
of our things where we're like 

432
00:21:54,170 --> 00:21:57,920
hey let's do this perfect. 
You know it's always been out of

433
00:21:57,930 --> 00:22:01,090
an argument or something and we 
all we do it in the wrong way 

434
00:22:01,180 --> 00:22:03,990
and then we've identified like 
actually this is a sore point 

435
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,030
for us and then we we can work 
through it. 

436
00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:09,990
Because the things that aren't 
sore points, you don't notice, 

437
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:14,510
it just happened naturally. 
So they're going to be things 

438
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:16,040
you have to address 
intentionally. 

439
00:22:16,050 --> 00:22:18,110
Yeah, the other stuff will just 
be kind of second nature. 

440
00:22:19,270 --> 00:22:20,760
Cool. 
Well, that was an easy one to 

441
00:22:20,770 --> 00:22:22,200
ease in. 
It was nice. 

442
00:22:22,250 --> 00:22:26,560
OK, second story. 
How to cheer my girlfriend, 23, 

443
00:22:26,570 --> 00:22:29,720
female when I accidentally said 
something bad that I don't even 

444
00:22:29,730 --> 00:22:34,000
remember 22 male. 
Classic, Classic. 

445
00:22:35,130 --> 00:22:38,040
Throughout my life, I've never 
really had a girlfriend or close

446
00:22:38,050 --> 00:22:40,630
female friend until I met my 
current girlfriend who have been

447
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,400
dating for about a year now. 
We've had our fair share of 

448
00:22:43,410 --> 00:22:45,800
arguments, but as we've gotten 
to know each other better, those

449
00:22:45,810 --> 00:22:47,760
fights have become few and far 
between. 

450
00:22:48,540 --> 00:22:50,850
One thing I've learned about her
is that she's not a fan of 

451
00:22:50,860 --> 00:22:53,840
people speaking without thinking
about the consequences, a trait 

452
00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:56,950
that I definitely have. 
I've been working on watching 

453
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,640
what I say, and for the most 
part it's been going OK. 

454
00:22:59,740 --> 00:23:02,690
But as luck would have it, a 
little slip up recently caused a

455
00:23:02,700 --> 00:23:04,590
lot of trouble. 
So apparently during a 

456
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,610
conversation I said something 
like going out with you gets 

457
00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:12,050
kind of boring. 
I don't even remember seeing it 

458
00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:14,910
or what the context was, but she
sure does, and it's been stuck 

459
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,540
in her head ever since. 
We tried to hash it out, but it 

460
00:23:17,550 --> 00:23:20,630
was just awkward silence. 
Honestly, I didn't mean to upset

461
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,170
her, and the fact that I can't 
even remember saying it makes it

462
00:23:23,180 --> 00:23:25,220
even worse. 
I just don't know what to say to

463
00:23:25,230 --> 00:23:27,790
make things right. 
Finally, I mustered up the 

464
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,490
courage to ask her if she was 
OK, and that's when the argument

465
00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:32,570
started. 
She accused me of not knowing 

466
00:23:32,580 --> 00:23:35,010
how to comfort a girl in 
situations like this, and I have

467
00:23:35,020 --> 00:23:38,030
to admit she has a point. 
It's tough trying to reassure 

468
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,340
her when I'm the one who's 
messed up in the 1st place. 

469
00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:42,920
What should I do? 
I think that's good. 

470
00:23:42,930 --> 00:23:45,920
Either way that he's recognising
he's messed up, Like I think 

471
00:23:45,930 --> 00:23:49,920
that is a good thing. 
I think that can be hard for 

472
00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:52,300
individuals, guys or girls. 
I think they can be a hard thing

473
00:23:52,310 --> 00:23:54,380
is when you admit it and 
recognise that you've done it 

474
00:23:54,390 --> 00:23:57,580
and it's cool that he's trying 
to do stuff to do better. 

475
00:23:57,670 --> 00:24:00,600
Have I ever done this? 
Said something. 

476
00:24:00,610 --> 00:24:03,160
Not like not this specific 
thing, but in terms of I'm 

477
00:24:03,170 --> 00:24:06,990
trying to think through has ever
been a scenario where I've said 

478
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,050
something but didn't realise I 
said it? 

479
00:24:09,380 --> 00:24:11,130
Is it ringing a bell or 
something? 

480
00:24:11,220 --> 00:24:14,790
Kind of, but it's so vague I 
couldn't I couldn't even picture

481
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:15,860
it look. 
Probably babe. 

482
00:24:15,870 --> 00:24:19,230
And now I'm angry at you for. 
It well, I know definitely the 

483
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,050
things that you do get angry at 
me about, which I don't remember

484
00:24:22,060 --> 00:24:25,230
because I wasn't even there. 
The dreams you have about. 

485
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,470
Me. 
Have done something and then you

486
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:27,910
wake. 
Up. 

487
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,690
Maybe that's what this is. 
I don't. 

488
00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:34,110
Remember. 
But I wouldn't remember notes. 

489
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:36,930
He's just taking it. 
Well, Well done, Well done. 

490
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:42,780
And I I think again it's just 
part of the journey. 

491
00:24:42,790 --> 00:24:45,640
You know he's he's said 
something silly. 

492
00:24:45,690 --> 00:24:51,220
He's recognised he said it. 
I feel that it's a bit of a 

493
00:24:51,230 --> 00:24:54,780
maybe a trust broken, you know. 
I mean it again is safety. 

494
00:24:54,790 --> 00:24:57,740
It's it's really down to safety.
If you don't feel safe with 

495
00:24:57,750 --> 00:25:01,400
someone it's hard to trust that 
space. 

496
00:25:01,470 --> 00:25:04,600
So in her mind is probably like 
well if we go out now I'm going 

497
00:25:04,610 --> 00:25:06,740
to be boring you know all that 
sort of stuff. 

498
00:25:06,750 --> 00:25:10,160
So it's not just a matter of 
having a conversation, it's 

499
00:25:10,170 --> 00:25:12,090
actually building that trust 
back up again. 

500
00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:17,570
So be intentional with going out
to do stuff and it's kind of on 

501
00:25:17,580 --> 00:25:20,610
him now to make it fun. 
Yeah, you know, how is he gonna 

502
00:25:20,620 --> 00:25:24,160
make that fun and and help her? 
Feel fun. 

503
00:25:24,210 --> 00:25:25,480
Feel fun? 
Well, yeah, feel fine. 

504
00:25:25,490 --> 00:25:28,010
And feel safe and and feel like,
Oh no, this is something we're 

505
00:25:28,020 --> 00:25:30,280
doing to, you know, it's a 
togetherness thing. 

506
00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:33,060
Yeah, I think there's two parts 
to this conversation. 

507
00:25:33,070 --> 00:25:35,740
One is what he said and how he 
could have said it better. 

508
00:25:36,150 --> 00:25:40,130
Two is how then you work on 
building that back when you said

509
00:25:40,140 --> 00:25:46,620
something that is a is a broad 
comment on someone's impact on 

510
00:25:46,630 --> 00:25:50,190
your presence. 
And I think pointing out that 

511
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,890
he's 22 is huge because he is in
that age bracket where you are 

512
00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:57,160
coming out of being a kid into 
an adult and you're going to 

513
00:25:57,170 --> 00:26:01,210
learn these hard lessons of 
being like, oh, I need to be 

514
00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:04,140
accountable for what I say or 
accountable for someone else's 

515
00:26:04,150 --> 00:26:05,380
feelings. 
And it's great that he's 

516
00:26:05,390 --> 00:26:06,980
actually learning that even 
though it's going to be a 

517
00:26:06,990 --> 00:26:10,580
painful process because the 
thing that he says apparently 

518
00:26:10,660 --> 00:26:13,930
allegedly is going out with you 
kind of gets boring. 

519
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,370
And I actually read a few of the
comments on this post because I 

520
00:26:16,380 --> 00:26:19,030
was curious what people were 
saying and some people were 

521
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:23,690
saying, I wonder if either you 
are just really bad at at saying

522
00:26:23,700 --> 00:26:25,830
things without thinking about 
the consequences, so much so 

523
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:29,690
that you don't even remember 
saying it And or she is someone 

524
00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:33,120
who who reads into things that 
aren't necessarily said but that

525
00:26:33,130 --> 00:26:35,680
she kind of fills in the gaps 
because of her, how sensitive 

526
00:26:35,690 --> 00:26:37,660
she is to this sort of 
information. 

527
00:26:37,670 --> 00:26:39,200
So. 
So that was an interesting 

528
00:26:39,210 --> 00:26:41,400
point. 
If he doesn't remember saying 

529
00:26:41,410 --> 00:26:45,840
it, potentially she's built that
story a little bit by other 

530
00:26:45,850 --> 00:26:48,440
things he said. 
Or I mean, he could just 

531
00:26:48,450 --> 00:26:50,120
genuinely not remember saying 
it. 

532
00:26:51,070 --> 00:26:53,730
But the other thing too is if he
doesn't remember saying it, 

533
00:26:53,850 --> 00:26:56,940
that's like that's one thing. 
So you say, oh, I don't remember

534
00:26:56,950 --> 00:26:59,460
saying that, then you have to be
addressing that. 

535
00:26:59,470 --> 00:27:01,830
Is it true though? 
Because if he's just like, I 

536
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,060
don't remember saying that and 
he focuses on. 

537
00:27:04,070 --> 00:27:07,080
I don't remember saying that, 
No, I don't think I said that. 

538
00:27:07,090 --> 00:27:10,100
Instead of being like you aren't
boring to be with, like just 

539
00:27:10,110 --> 00:27:13,420
address, address head on that 
message that she now has in her 

540
00:27:13,430 --> 00:27:14,640
head. 
I think that's a good place to 

541
00:27:14,650 --> 00:27:16,580
start. 
Sort of like what you said. 

542
00:27:16,630 --> 00:27:19,470
Working on showing her that 
she's fun, Working on building 

543
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,860
that trust back a bit, Working 
on addressing that. 

544
00:27:21,870 --> 00:27:24,120
Like, sorry if I gave you the 
impression that you're boring. 

545
00:27:24,130 --> 00:27:26,740
I don't think you're boring. 
Maybe sometimes what we've done 

546
00:27:26,750 --> 00:27:30,430
isn't super stimulating, or 
maybe there's funnier things we 

547
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:31,840
could do. 
Maybe we could mix things up so 

548
00:27:31,850 --> 00:27:34,920
that it's a bit more exciting. 
But focusing on you aren't 

549
00:27:34,930 --> 00:27:36,240
boring. 
I love you. 

550
00:27:36,250 --> 00:27:38,720
This is why I enjoy our time 
together. 

551
00:27:38,730 --> 00:27:40,680
Let's make that safe and 
intentional. 

552
00:27:40,730 --> 00:27:45,170
I think is a good step if for 
the exercise of the process, if 

553
00:27:45,180 --> 00:27:48,220
you were like going out with you
gets really boring and we've had

554
00:27:48,230 --> 00:27:51,500
this kind of conversation. 
I remember. 

555
00:27:52,030 --> 00:27:55,120
You remember what it is? 
It it wasn't that I've said that

556
00:27:55,130 --> 00:27:57,780
you're boring. 
It's that I don't laugh at your 

557
00:27:57,790 --> 00:28:00,800
reels. 
OHS oh, I know that one. 

558
00:28:00,810 --> 00:28:01,500
Yeah, yeah. 
Yeah. 

559
00:28:01,510 --> 00:28:02,640
Yeah. 
So I think that's what I had in 

560
00:28:02,650 --> 00:28:05,740
my mind cause this is I'm trying
to think through, OK what's 

561
00:28:05,810 --> 00:28:09,180
what's the scenario that we've 
had that is most similar to this

562
00:28:09,290 --> 00:28:12,500
because this was actually a real
thing for us because you Yeah, 

563
00:28:12,510 --> 00:28:17,100
you you felt like I didn't think
you were funny and humour is a 

564
00:28:17,110 --> 00:28:21,580
big value of yours, right? 
And I still don't. 

565
00:28:21,690 --> 00:28:27,460
I I still don't Saudi find a lot
of your reels funny? 

566
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:31,070
There's, there's. 
Something my reels. 

567
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:33,870
You mean the ones I'm sharing? 
The ones the ones you share. 

568
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:35,790
Ones I make. 
Once you make it the. 

569
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:40,660
Best. 
Funny, Yeah. 

570
00:28:40,670 --> 00:28:43,580
So there's there's some of us 
still don't find funny a lot. 

571
00:28:43,590 --> 00:28:45,370
I still don't find funny. 
There's a lot that I send you 

572
00:28:45,380 --> 00:28:46,740
there you don't find funny. 
So back. 

573
00:28:46,750 --> 00:28:47,510
At you. 
Very true. 

574
00:28:48,730 --> 00:28:52,080
This is the closest scenario 
that we've got this for you was 

575
00:28:52,090 --> 00:28:54,680
because humour is a high value 
for you. 

576
00:28:54,750 --> 00:28:58,880
For me it was like this is I 
feel like this is probably when 

577
00:28:58,890 --> 00:29:02,390
we first started talking about 
this, we were kind of in not 

578
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:06,460
necessarily friend zone but 
tired zone. 

579
00:29:06,670 --> 00:29:10,720
So we we hadn't had many date 
nights, we hadn't been investing

580
00:29:10,730 --> 00:29:16,190
in our relationship much. 
So the humour wasn't really, it 

581
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,530
was either really sarcastic or 
it wasn't really there. 

582
00:29:19,650 --> 00:29:24,080
And this was, I guess, your 
attempt to bring humour into our

583
00:29:24,090 --> 00:29:27,010
relationship or keep it alive. 
This is me reading between the 

584
00:29:27,020 --> 00:29:33,600
lines and in helping us have 
that in in our relationship, 

585
00:29:33,610 --> 00:29:35,150
right. 
So for you, high value not 

586
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:36,550
really happening in our 
relationship. 

587
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,660
This is your attempt to bring it
into our relationship. 

588
00:29:38,730 --> 00:29:41,060
I'm not finding it funny. 
It's hard for you. 

589
00:29:41,130 --> 00:29:45,380
It hurts you. 
I I feel like we have a lot of 

590
00:29:45,390 --> 00:29:47,220
fun now. 
I feel like we laugh at each 

591
00:29:47,230 --> 00:29:50,340
other a lot more. 
I don't laugh at your reels but 

592
00:29:50,350 --> 00:29:53,300
I don't feel like they've been 
as much of an issue because 

593
00:29:53,310 --> 00:29:55,260
there's humour in our 
relationship. 

594
00:29:55,310 --> 00:29:59,010
And because I stopped sending 
them to you and you stopped 

595
00:29:59,020 --> 00:30:02,740
watching them, let's just point.
Out my point, but my point is, 

596
00:30:02,750 --> 00:30:08,790
is that this is a good question.
Do you feel, do you feel that I 

597
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,950
don't find you funny now? 
I don't think you don't find me 

598
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,920
funny. 
The the real thing was slightly 

599
00:30:14,930 --> 00:30:18,070
different because it was all 
this. 

600
00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:20,470
This made me laugh. 
I'm showing you this thing that 

601
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:23,210
made me laugh and then you would
watch it and you'd make me feel 

602
00:30:23,220 --> 00:30:25,810
a bit stupid for it. 
So your reaction was a bit like 

603
00:30:25,860 --> 00:30:30,170
OK and that made me be like, 
alright, whatever, like it made 

604
00:30:30,180 --> 00:30:33,490
me laugh. 
And so it wasn't that it wasn't 

605
00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:36,530
necessarily, I don't think it 
wasn't that I thought you didn't

606
00:30:36,540 --> 00:30:39,270
think I was funny. 
It was that you weren't putting 

607
00:30:40,340 --> 00:30:43,850
any effort into engaging in what
I found interesting. 

608
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:48,410
Whereas if you send me reels, I 
don't always find them funny. 

609
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,570
In fact, I often don't. 
But I'll do the fake laugh, 

610
00:30:50,580 --> 00:30:52,830
which we've talked about this a 
lot in our relationship. 

611
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:56,270
I'll be like, and that annoys 
you because then you're like, 

612
00:30:56,410 --> 00:30:57,900
it's not real. 
Yeah. 

613
00:30:57,910 --> 00:30:59,890
Yeah. 
So it's just two different 

614
00:30:59,900 --> 00:31:02,770
values, I guess, or different, 
like, mismatching values. 

615
00:31:02,780 --> 00:31:06,170
Because to me, I would rather 
you feel, even if I don't 

616
00:31:06,180 --> 00:31:09,130
actually get it or I don't find 
you funny, I'd rather you feel 

617
00:31:09,140 --> 00:31:12,020
like I'm encouraging in that 
space or I'm engaging with what 

618
00:31:12,030 --> 00:31:15,590
you were showing me. 
But you are like, I'm not going 

619
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,920
to pretend that I find something
funny. 

620
00:31:17,990 --> 00:31:22,130
They don't find funny. 
And so the the more problem for 

621
00:31:22,140 --> 00:31:26,150
me was that your reaction in 
that moment was made me feel 

622
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:31,560
like he thought I was stupid or 
I should say I felt stupid for 

623
00:31:31,570 --> 00:31:34,110
sharing the thing with you that 
you didn't engage with. 

624
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,130
Yeah. 
So that was a better, better way

625
00:31:36,140 --> 00:31:38,920
of that was more the core of 
what was going on for. 

626
00:31:38,930 --> 00:31:44,350
Me So this is obviously still a 
thing that we're not dealing 

627
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,130
with and this is one of the 
minor things, but still 

628
00:31:46,140 --> 00:31:47,510
definitely something we're 
working on. 

629
00:31:47,660 --> 00:31:52,170
So there's two points for this 
one, and I'm not sure if this is

630
00:31:52,180 --> 00:31:54,710
a guy thing or just solely me 
thing. 

631
00:31:54,820 --> 00:31:59,690
One, I know that I would make 
jokes about it at your expense 

632
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:02,780
cause I'm trying to. 
It's like I'm trying to be 

633
00:32:02,790 --> 00:32:04,200
funny, but it's not really 
funny. 

634
00:32:04,250 --> 00:32:07,940
I don't know why, but I and I 
know other guys do. 

635
00:32:08,490 --> 00:32:12,740
It's like we we do dumb humour 
that isn't funny but we're 

636
00:32:12,750 --> 00:32:15,670
trying to be funny but it's not 
funny and it's just. 

637
00:32:15,990 --> 00:32:17,740
Like dad jokes, Kind of like. 
Kind of. 

638
00:32:17,750 --> 00:32:20,440
But dad jokes still have that 
bit of humour to it. 

639
00:32:20,530 --> 00:32:24,240
You know me, but I can go to a 
jokey point for some reason. 

640
00:32:24,470 --> 00:32:27,060
It's like it's not funny. 
It's actually just annoying. 

641
00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:29,120
Or it's not acknowledging the 
other person. 

642
00:32:29,130 --> 00:32:31,950
So this is a perfect example. 
You'll send me a real bike. 

643
00:32:32,110 --> 00:32:35,750
Why did you send that to me? 
But I'm genuinely kind of trying

644
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:38,640
to make a joke about it. 
Like, I mean, this is silly, but

645
00:32:38,650 --> 00:32:40,780
it's making me feel silly. 
And that's not my intention. 

646
00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:44,400
The other part too is and and I 
think you understand this One 

647
00:32:44,450 --> 00:32:46,300
more. 
I just don't get it. 

648
00:32:46,310 --> 00:32:49,480
I don't understand. 
And this is the hard part of 

649
00:32:49,490 --> 00:32:51,550
where I'm like, I'm. 
I wanna find it funny. 

650
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:53,820
I just don't understand what I'm
watching. 

651
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:57,680
I don't know where do I laugh? 
And I'll laugh at the beginning.

652
00:32:57,690 --> 00:32:59,590
And you like, no, no. 
Yeah, I'm like, oh, OK, yeah, 

653
00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:01,530
right. 
You know, I just don't get it. 

654
00:33:02,380 --> 00:33:04,350
But yeah, so there, I genuinely 
think. 

655
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:05,970
I think you're the funniest 
person I know. 

656
00:33:05,980 --> 00:33:07,890
Like I genuinely mean. 
Yeah, yeah. 

657
00:33:07,980 --> 00:33:10,750
He said it in our vows. 
And that that one clip got put 

658
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:14,600
into our, like, wedding trailer.
We we share the wedding trailer.

659
00:33:14,610 --> 00:33:17,680
Yeah, the wedding trailer that 
we got made, it was that was a 

660
00:33:17,690 --> 00:33:20,690
highlighted clip and was like, 
that is going down in history 

661
00:33:20,780 --> 00:33:22,490
because that was the first time 
you said that. 

662
00:33:22,500 --> 00:33:27,370
Yeah, held on to it. 
One of our kids woke up and I 

663
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:29,210
don't remember what I was saying
but. 

664
00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:31,750
It was gonna be good. 
Really good. 

665
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:34,320
Are you were saying how you 
think I'm the funniest person? 

666
00:33:36,710 --> 00:33:39,760
Moving on. 
OK, it was really hard. 

667
00:33:39,770 --> 00:33:42,000
I'm gonna move. 
On don't remember what I was 

668
00:33:42,010 --> 00:33:46,450
saying. 
Guys, we have an exciting 

669
00:33:46,460 --> 00:33:48,730
update. 
What's our exciting update? 

670
00:33:48,740 --> 00:33:52,030
Patreon. 
And Spotify subscription. 

671
00:33:52,070 --> 00:33:56,070
Spotify sub. 
We have some really great 

672
00:33:56,120 --> 00:34:00,190
quality raw extra content that 
we are going to be posting on 

673
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,310
our Patreon and our Spotify 
subscription. 

674
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:05,100
So if you are interested in a 
little bit more from our 

675
00:34:05,110 --> 00:34:07,350
episodes, if you get to the end 
and you're like, I want one more

676
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:09,350
story, now you. 
Know. 

677
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,670
It's also going to be a place 
where we will be updating, 

678
00:34:12,679 --> 00:34:16,489
sending resources and just 
keeping our little community 

679
00:34:16,540 --> 00:34:20,320
growing and extending there. 
So if you're interested at all, 

680
00:34:20,510 --> 00:34:23,060
please check it out. 
We will post about how to sign 

681
00:34:23,070 --> 00:34:24,500
up. 
If you have any questions, let 

682
00:34:24,510 --> 00:34:27,659
us know. 
Get on to the Patreon Get on to 

683
00:34:27,670 --> 00:34:30,420
the Spotify subscription. 
Cheer. 

684
00:34:30,590 --> 00:34:34,310
Thank you. 
All right, well, let's move on 

685
00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:36,550
to the next story then, since 
we've got no idea where we're 

686
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:39,210
at. 
I-29 male am torn up by 

687
00:34:39,219 --> 00:34:42,969
something My wife, 36, female, 
said I need some perspective 

688
00:34:42,980 --> 00:34:45,929
because I did not expect to be 
so bothered by this comment. 

689
00:34:46,060 --> 00:34:48,949
Last night my wife and I were 
watching TV after the show 

690
00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:50,389
ended. 
We were chatting about something

691
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:53,610
and I made the comment that I am
the best husband ever to her. 

692
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,510
Her response was, but you aren't
the best husband to me. 

693
00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:59,590
Thinking she was joking, I said 
OK, who is the best? 

694
00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:02,270
To which she quickly answered 
with the name of one of her 

695
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:06,290
friends. 
Husbands, the I was taken aback,

696
00:35:06,300 --> 00:35:08,690
confused, and hurt. 
I pointed out that she doesn't 

697
00:35:08,700 --> 00:35:10,500
actually know how their 
relationship is. 

698
00:35:10,510 --> 00:35:13,170
She only knows what her friend 
tells her about it, and that 

699
00:35:13,180 --> 00:35:16,390
will never be the full picture. 
She disagreed and we moved on 

700
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,630
and decided to put on a movie. 
I tried to drop it, but I 

701
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:21,530
couldn't. 
I stopped watching the movie a 

702
00:35:21,540 --> 00:35:25,220
few minutes in and went to bed. 
Now a day later, I feel more 

703
00:35:25,230 --> 00:35:27,760
hurt by her comment. 
This morning she dismissed my 

704
00:35:27,770 --> 00:35:30,500
hurt by saying that I can't 
possibly believe she is the best

705
00:35:30,510 --> 00:35:33,420
wife to me. 
I understand that in reality it 

706
00:35:33,430 --> 00:35:36,480
is not possible for everyone to 
have the best husband or the 

707
00:35:36,490 --> 00:35:39,330
best wife, but I believe that 
they should certainly think that

708
00:35:39,340 --> 00:35:42,520
about their own spouse. 
I believe my wife is the best 

709
00:35:42,530 --> 00:35:44,800
wife ever. 
If I didn't, I wouldn't be with 

710
00:35:44,810 --> 00:35:47,080
her as I don't believe in 
settling for anything but the 

711
00:35:47,090 --> 00:35:51,160
best, which is an interesting 
comedy in my mind. 

712
00:35:51,170 --> 00:35:53,500
The fact that she not only 
doesn't think I'm the best, but 

713
00:35:53,510 --> 00:35:56,270
also has given thought to who 
she does consider the best 

714
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,610
husband is is hurtful. 
Now I'm questioning why she is 

715
00:35:59,620 --> 00:36:01,690
with me if she thinks better is 
out there. 

716
00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:04,630
I still think I'm overreacting, 
but I can't seem to shake the 

717
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:07,410
thought and move past it. 
Please let me know your thoughts

718
00:36:07,420 --> 00:36:11,510
on the matter. 
A lot of you said that like and 

719
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:16,450
I think he's said that what I 
would feel, I would struggle to 

720
00:36:16,460 --> 00:36:19,420
think that you thought that 
better was out there. 

721
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:22,050
It was against us trust to 
safety. 

722
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:26,120
That wouldn't be safe. 
I think again, this is, it's not

723
00:36:26,130 --> 00:36:29,330
what she was meaning, It's what 
she said and how she said it. 

724
00:36:29,720 --> 00:36:32,850
I don't think she means well. 
I who knows? 

725
00:36:32,980 --> 00:36:35,820
I have no idea what she means. 
In my heart. 

726
00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:38,470
I have to believe that she 
doesn't mean all. 

727
00:36:38,620 --> 00:36:40,230
I don't actually like you. 
I want this other guy. 

728
00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:44,430
What I actually think maybe is 
going on for her is there's 

729
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:48,150
stuff that she's not addressing 
with him that she's bothered by.

730
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:51,010
And sure, she's probably put 
thought into this husband 

731
00:36:51,020 --> 00:36:53,410
doesn't do this or this husband 
does this for his wife. 

732
00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:57,710
And and my friend tells me about
it all the time and my husband 

733
00:36:57,720 --> 00:37:00,410
is not doing these things that I
need. 

734
00:37:00,820 --> 00:37:03,230
And instead of addressing those 
or maybe she hasn't. 

735
00:37:03,240 --> 00:37:04,910
He's just totally oblivious to 
it. 

736
00:37:05,340 --> 00:37:07,370
She's made. 
She's seen an opportunity to 

737
00:37:07,380 --> 00:37:11,390
like, yeah, slip it in there. 
You're the best husband. 

738
00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:13,690
This is the best husband. 
And then not really thought 

739
00:37:13,700 --> 00:37:16,170
about or not really cared how 
that might make him feel, or 

740
00:37:16,180 --> 00:37:18,590
what the consequences of that 
might be, or what might play out

741
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:23,480
in his head after that. 
Pensions are hey, this is a good

742
00:37:23,490 --> 00:37:26,180
role model for you. 
Maybe you can learn a thing or. 

743
00:37:26,190 --> 00:37:28,540
Two, and know that I'm not 
happy. 

744
00:37:28,590 --> 00:37:30,700
Yeah, but I feel like she's just
butchered. 

745
00:37:30,710 --> 00:37:33,560
She's done it in a very 
unconstructive way. 

746
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,000
I was thinking it's sort of 
similar to the question of like,

747
00:37:36,010 --> 00:37:37,760
am I the most beautiful woman in
the world? 

748
00:37:37,970 --> 00:37:41,280
Like, I know that I am not the 
most beautiful woman in the 

749
00:37:41,290 --> 00:37:42,880
world. 
I know that you don't even 

750
00:37:42,890 --> 00:37:44,640
believe I'm the most beautiful 
woman in the world. 

751
00:37:44,650 --> 00:37:46,900
And that is OK. 
If we're looking at it from a 

752
00:37:46,910 --> 00:37:49,170
neutral perspective, no one 
you're you're not going to be 

753
00:37:49,180 --> 00:37:52,140
like Amy is the most beautiful 
woman in the world. 

754
00:37:52,290 --> 00:37:54,340
I know that I'm the most special
person to you. 

755
00:37:54,690 --> 00:37:56,940
I don't know that you're 
attracted to me and that you are

756
00:37:56,950 --> 00:37:59,170
not attract. 
You're attracted to me as in 

757
00:37:59,890 --> 00:38:03,600
isolated individual. 
Are you trying to tell me? 

758
00:38:03,610 --> 00:38:05,110
Yeah, I would disagree with what
you're saying. 

759
00:38:05,870 --> 00:38:07,340
Am I the most beautiful woman in
the? 

760
00:38:07,350 --> 00:38:10,150
World because I I guess you know
what you're talking about the 

761
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:14,500
that's The thing is beauty is 
way more than beauty in a person

762
00:38:14,510 --> 00:38:19,640
is so much wrapped up in that 
there's and there's actually no 

763
00:38:19,650 --> 00:38:22,180
one more beautiful than you like
genuinely because there's so 

764
00:38:22,190 --> 00:38:26,340
much in that And I want to I 
want to say say that because if 

765
00:38:26,350 --> 00:38:30,580
you don't if you don't feel that
from me that's a big concern of 

766
00:38:30,590 --> 00:38:32,880
mine. 
Like you are the most beautiful 

767
00:38:32,890 --> 00:38:36,440
person to me because you're the 
mother of my children. 

768
00:38:36,650 --> 00:38:39,520
You are my wife. 
You are my best friend. 

769
00:38:39,530 --> 00:38:42,340
I think you're gorgeous. 
Like all of these things make 

770
00:38:42,350 --> 00:38:46,200
that's beauty. 
It's not anything else, like. 

771
00:38:46,270 --> 00:38:50,640
So I can't just let you say that
and move on, because that's not 

772
00:38:50,650 --> 00:38:52,930
true, you know? 
Thank. 

773
00:38:52,940 --> 00:38:57,060
You the end. 
I didn't feel like you didn't 

774
00:38:57,070 --> 00:38:59,460
think I was that special person 
to you. 

775
00:38:59,470 --> 00:39:02,120
Just to clarify, I very much 
appreciate that moment and I 

776
00:39:02,130 --> 00:39:05,140
will be making that into a real 
so everyone can see it. 

777
00:39:08,170 --> 00:39:16,530
See, I'm funny. 
Anyway, what I mean is, I don't 

778
00:39:16,540 --> 00:39:19,470
know if the word subjective is 
right, but the the, you know, 

779
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:23,220
vogues, most beautiful woman 
kind of thing, that kind of 

780
00:39:24,140 --> 00:39:26,920
person. 
I don't, I don't wanna say 

781
00:39:26,930 --> 00:39:29,310
attractive cause I think 
attraction is kind of 

782
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:31,950
encompassing what you've just 
said where you're attracted to 

783
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,990
so much of what somebody is, 
it's not just how they look. 

784
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,630
So if someone says I'm pretty 
attracted to them, I actually 

785
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:40,230
think that's incredibly 
inappropriate because that means

786
00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:46,390
you're spending time being drawn
to that person by multiple 

787
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,050
factors. 
It's not just, Oh yeah, 

788
00:39:48,060 --> 00:39:50,450
physically I can see that there 
are beautiful person that's 

789
00:39:50,460 --> 00:39:52,310
like, oh, I am attracted to 
them. 

790
00:39:52,380 --> 00:39:54,790
I feel like some people say that
as like a throwaway comment and 

791
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:56,440
I just think that's big red 
flag. 

792
00:39:56,450 --> 00:40:00,050
That's more red flags to me than
if you were to say that person's

793
00:40:00,060 --> 00:40:03,560
beautiful or even that person's 
hot, like attractions like 

794
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:06,670
different. 
So anyway, just to say but I 

795
00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:09,410
think. 
Attraction is different. 

796
00:40:09,460 --> 00:40:12,360
But in terms of like, physical 
beauty, I know I'm not the most 

797
00:40:12,370 --> 00:40:15,150
beautiful person in the world. 
I don't claim to be. 

798
00:40:15,460 --> 00:40:17,970
I'm just gonna. 
It's just gonna move past the 

799
00:40:17,980 --> 00:40:19,890
beautiful moment that you just 
had there. 

800
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:22,890
And I know that you know that 
physically, looking at my body 

801
00:40:22,900 --> 00:40:26,570
and my face and who I am, if you
were to line me up in a line of 

802
00:40:26,580 --> 00:40:30,670
people, I would not be 
subjectively or whatever the 

803
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:34,150
word is the most beautiful 
person there to the whole world,

804
00:40:34,220 --> 00:40:36,430
let's just say. 
So let's say that because I'm 

805
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:38,750
still disagreeing with some of 
the stuff you're saying, because

806
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:43,280
again, you're that's what the 
world would measure as, yeah, 

807
00:40:43,290 --> 00:40:45,970
right, If we took the worldview.
That's that. 

808
00:40:45,980 --> 00:40:47,950
I don't want to be put into our 
worldview. 

809
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:51,220
I know that really the whole 
point of me going down this 

810
00:40:51,230 --> 00:40:55,870
rabbit trail is to say I know 
that the two people that are 

811
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:58,480
paired together, no matter how 
much they love each other, are 

812
00:40:58,490 --> 00:41:01,260
also never going to be the 
perfect person. 

813
00:41:01,650 --> 00:41:04,500
I think there's no one I'd 
rather be with. 

814
00:41:04,740 --> 00:41:08,120
So in terms of like what perfect
means, this is the guest. 

815
00:41:08,130 --> 00:41:10,500
Really complicated. 
Perfect for me, you are. 

816
00:41:10,710 --> 00:41:13,280
You're not a perfect person. 
I'm not a perfect person, but 

817
00:41:13,290 --> 00:41:16,680
you're perfect for me. 
But what I'm trying to say is, 

818
00:41:16,690 --> 00:41:21,020
she could be trying to say 
something that is a neutral 

819
00:41:21,030 --> 00:41:25,400
thing, but she has said in such 
a damaging way because the 

820
00:41:25,410 --> 00:41:27,230
comparator, for one thing, it's 
a chemical. 

821
00:41:27,240 --> 00:41:29,380
Power starting to do that, do 
you not do? 

822
00:41:29,390 --> 00:41:34,340
That damaging thing. 
Two, it was, he was saying in an

823
00:41:34,430 --> 00:41:38,100
off handed, like if we had just 
had this conversation right now,

824
00:41:38,110 --> 00:41:40,660
flip it around and and you were 
like you are the most beautiful 

825
00:41:40,670 --> 00:41:41,540
person. 
I said. 

826
00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:43,230
You're not the most beautiful. 
Person. 

827
00:41:44,950 --> 00:41:47,340
That's essentially the same vibe
that's happened for these guys 

828
00:41:47,350 --> 00:41:49,970
because he's saying like, well, 
he was making a joke about him 

829
00:41:49,980 --> 00:41:52,580
being the the best husband ever.
He's turned it that way. 

830
00:41:52,590 --> 00:41:55,220
And then he's like, no, you're 
the best wife for me and she's 

831
00:41:55,230 --> 00:41:57,090
like, but you're not the best 
husband. 

832
00:41:57,360 --> 00:42:02,150
So it's just gone. 
So Askew as has my explanation 

833
00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:03,610
of this. 
Look, he tried. 

834
00:42:03,620 --> 00:42:05,810
I tried so hard. 
He tried really well. 

835
00:42:05,820 --> 00:42:08,570
You just were way too better. 
Way too better. 

836
00:42:09,220 --> 00:42:11,730
Kind of sound like Yoda or a 
couple of times and when he 

837
00:42:11,740 --> 00:42:14,860
spins and things. 
You are. 

838
00:42:14,870 --> 00:42:18,750
You are. 
You attractive to me? 

839
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:25,100
You are. 
My you are anyway all that say 

840
00:42:25,110 --> 00:42:28,940
not done well not done well. 
I think the commerce whatever it

841
00:42:28,950 --> 00:42:31,400
is, it's happening for her. 
They're 100% has to be 

842
00:42:31,410 --> 00:42:34,370
conversation about that because 
there's something sitting behind

843
00:42:34,380 --> 00:42:37,860
this comment, whether it's that 
she's really, she just has a lot

844
00:42:37,870 --> 00:42:39,800
of things she needs to raise and
she doesn't know how to. 

845
00:42:39,810 --> 00:42:43,030
So she's doing a passive 
aggressive job here, or she's 

846
00:42:43,100 --> 00:42:47,410
absolutely oblivious to what she
has implied, and she genuinely 

847
00:42:47,420 --> 00:42:51,310
meant it as just like a you're 
not the perfect person because 

848
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,350
no one's perfect kind of thing 
except the fact that she's 

849
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:54,640
pointed out her friend's 
husband. 

850
00:42:54,650 --> 00:42:58,800
That kind of blows that theory 
out of the water. 100% needs to 

851
00:42:58,810 --> 00:43:01,190
be a conversation about what's 
going on for her. 

852
00:43:01,500 --> 00:43:04,470
I think it's very valid for him 
to then be like that was very 

853
00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:07,350
hurtful and I need to know 
what's going on there. 

854
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:11,060
I feel like if you had healthy 
communication as part of your 

855
00:43:11,070 --> 00:43:15,450
relationship, I don't think you 
would say those things. 

856
00:43:15,460 --> 00:43:18,830
Yeah, I don't think you you 
would be that blunt. 

857
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:22,580
I feel like if you have healthy 
conversation communication in 

858
00:43:22,590 --> 00:43:25,880
your relationship, those things 
that she's wrestling with would 

859
00:43:25,890 --> 00:43:28,770
be on the table more. 
Maybe not all of them, because I

860
00:43:28,780 --> 00:43:31,510
mean, I think you don't 
recognise all the things you 

861
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:33,490
need to bring up, but I just 
don't think. 

862
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:36,260
Little job like that wouldn't 
be, yeah, it wouldn't be 

863
00:43:36,270 --> 00:43:39,440
happening because. 
In a serious way, though, It 

864
00:43:39,450 --> 00:43:42,840
sounds like a serious thing, you
know, so it's not just a joke. 

865
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,610
It sounds like a joke or a 
lighthearted comment that she's 

866
00:43:46,620 --> 00:43:48,810
made lighthearted. 
She's made it into a 

867
00:43:48,820 --> 00:43:50,960
lighthearted comment, but it's 
actually a very deep thing. 

868
00:43:50,970 --> 00:43:52,330
Yeah, it's like I'm gonna place 
this. 

869
00:43:52,340 --> 00:43:55,420
Here so you know. 
So in the it's kind of like I'm 

870
00:43:55,430 --> 00:43:58,030
gonna place this here so you can
deal with this. 

871
00:43:58,040 --> 00:44:00,930
Yeah, you need some Chinese. 
Especially her dismissing his 

872
00:44:00,940 --> 00:44:02,770
thoughts the next day. 
Yeah, absolutely. 

873
00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:05,190
Absolutely. 
That's not healthy as well. 

874
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:07,970
And again, it's not that team 
mentality. 

875
00:44:07,980 --> 00:44:10,210
It's a gonna place this issue 
here. 

876
00:44:10,220 --> 00:44:12,350
This is your lot of stuff to 
work on. 

877
00:44:12,420 --> 00:44:13,670
I don't wanna be brought into 
it. 

878
00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:15,950
Yeah, figure it out. 
Look at this guy. 

879
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:18,340
I've given you enough hints and 
tips here. 

880
00:44:18,350 --> 00:44:19,670
Like you gotta take it from 
there. 

881
00:44:19,720 --> 00:44:23,640
I don't think that's. 
Healthy case it might be. 

882
00:44:23,730 --> 00:44:26,560
It is what you meant and it's 
also how it was said. 

883
00:44:27,270 --> 00:44:30,920
Don't do it. 
Moving right along I-26. 

884
00:44:30,930 --> 00:44:35,080
Female accidentally really hurt 
my boyfriend. 26 males feelings.

885
00:44:36,210 --> 00:44:38,900
My boyfriend and I have been 
dating for 2 1/2 years. 

886
00:44:38,990 --> 00:44:41,520
We are deeply in love and have a
great relationship. 

887
00:44:41,570 --> 00:44:43,620
It's the most mature and 
communicate right? 

888
00:44:43,670 --> 00:44:46,320
Wow, can't even communicate 
about commutative. 

889
00:44:47,980 --> 00:44:52,880
The most mature and communitive 
relationship I've ever been in 

890
00:44:52,890 --> 00:44:55,730
and I couldn't be happier. 
I accidentally said something 

891
00:44:55,740 --> 00:44:58,420
stupid when I was out with him 
and our friends though, and I 

892
00:44:58,430 --> 00:45:01,140
have seriously hurt him. 
I don't know how to fix it or 

893
00:45:01,150 --> 00:45:02,940
how to help him understand what 
I really meant. 

894
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:06,430
My friends and I were talking in
general about dating, romance, 

895
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:08,660
marriage, etc. 
And one of my friends was 

896
00:45:08,670 --> 00:45:11,070
telling us that all the women in
her family have given her the 

897
00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:13,950
same advice about love. 
Don't marry the guy that you're 

898
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:16,550
crazy about. 
The gist of this is that you 

899
00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:18,810
don't want to marry the guy who 
you're crazy about, who you 

900
00:45:18,820 --> 00:45:21,050
think about all the time, who 
you obsess over. 

901
00:45:21,100 --> 00:45:23,570
Don't marry that guy. 
The guy that excites you and 

902
00:45:23,580 --> 00:45:25,230
leaves you feeling nothing but 
passion. 

903
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:28,270
I vehemently, I think I said 
that word right. 

904
00:45:28,340 --> 00:45:30,410
I vehemently agreed with that 
advice. 

905
00:45:30,420 --> 00:45:32,770
I said that I'd been in 
relationships with that crazy, 

906
00:45:32,780 --> 00:45:36,400
exciting sweep you off your feet
the instant meet him guy, and 

907
00:45:36,410 --> 00:45:38,880
once the excitement and passion 
wears off, there's nothing much 

908
00:45:38,890 --> 00:45:41,080
there. 
I ended up in a very tumultuous 

909
00:45:41,090 --> 00:45:43,790
and dramatic relationship with 
not much substance. 

910
00:45:44,090 --> 00:45:47,260
Catching feelings so intensely 
also left me very hurt and 

911
00:45:47,270 --> 00:45:49,870
insecure. 
Things got sour when my 

912
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:53,370
boyfriend and I got home. 
He asked me, don't I excite you.

913
00:45:53,700 --> 00:45:57,030
He then told me that I was that 
person to him, except that 

914
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:59,010
underneath the passion there was
substance. 

915
00:45:59,100 --> 00:46:01,450
He asked me if I was just 
settling for him because I had 

916
00:46:01,460 --> 00:46:04,770
already had my adventures. 
He said to him this relationship

917
00:46:04,780 --> 00:46:08,220
was a crazy adventure. 
I tried to explain myself again 

918
00:46:08,230 --> 00:46:10,780
but it didn't work and I need 
advice on what to do. 

919
00:46:10,850 --> 00:46:13,520
He is hands down the best 
relationship I've ever been in 

920
00:46:13,530 --> 00:46:15,600
and I want to marry him. 
I've told him both of those 

921
00:46:15,610 --> 00:46:18,750
things. 
Can you summarise that I got 

922
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:21,080
stuck on the way that sounds 
like Vietnam and I'm trying to? 

923
00:46:21,090 --> 00:46:24,730
Figure out Vietnam. 
Vietnam Lee. 

924
00:46:24,780 --> 00:46:27,810
Vietnam, Vietnam. 
Vehemently, yeah. 

925
00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:30,830
So basically he overhears her 
talking to the girls about 

926
00:46:30,840 --> 00:46:34,670
dating and one of the girls says
all the women in my family have 

927
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,090
given me this advice. 
They say do not go for the 

928
00:46:37,100 --> 00:46:38,950
person that excites you the 
most, the person that you 

929
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:41,950
obsessed over that that like 
sweeps you off your feet. 

930
00:46:42,020 --> 00:46:46,060
And she said that she, Vietnam 
only agreed with that. 

931
00:46:46,070 --> 00:46:48,850
And then when they got home, her
boyfriend said that he's really 

932
00:46:48,860 --> 00:46:52,610
hurt because he said you are 
that person to me and we have 

933
00:46:52,620 --> 00:46:54,530
substance. 
You are the adventure. 

934
00:46:54,750 --> 00:46:57,680
And am I just someone you've 
settled with now because you've 

935
00:46:57,690 --> 00:46:59,760
already had your adventure? 
I see that. 

936
00:46:59,770 --> 00:47:03,840
I could see that hurt. 
I just think there's some things

937
00:47:04,090 --> 00:47:07,160
that you don't need to say. 
Well, like, why did she have to 

938
00:47:07,170 --> 00:47:09,060
communicate that with him? 
Well, she didn't. 

939
00:47:09,880 --> 00:47:11,740
He heard her saying it. 
Ah, right. 

940
00:47:13,530 --> 00:47:16,100
So I think this is actually the 
best example of all these 

941
00:47:16,110 --> 00:47:18,900
stories of it's not what you 
meant, it's how you said it. 

942
00:47:19,410 --> 00:47:22,340
Because I don't think. 
I think what she's saying is is 

943
00:47:22,350 --> 00:47:25,760
really valid in that she's 
talking about past relationships

944
00:47:25,770 --> 00:47:28,700
that were very intense and they 
left her very hurt. 

945
00:47:28,990 --> 00:47:32,280
And so obviously in future 
relationships, she's probably 

946
00:47:32,290 --> 00:47:34,340
not sought out that kind of 
intensity. 

947
00:47:35,250 --> 00:47:38,380
Unfortunately, the words that 
were used to describe it sound 

948
00:47:38,390 --> 00:47:41,100
like really good words, like 
excite me, couldn't stop 

949
00:47:41,110 --> 00:47:42,720
thinking about them, swept me 
off my feet. 

950
00:47:42,730 --> 00:47:45,940
There's lots of passion. 
And so if you're the partner and

951
00:47:45,950 --> 00:47:48,250
you're hearing them say, oh, I 
would never be with someone like

952
00:47:48,260 --> 00:47:51,310
that and then you realise but 
she's with me, you'd be like, so

953
00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:53,030
I don't excite you, I don't 
sweep you off your feet. 

954
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:55,150
There's not a lot of passion. 
What's going on here? 

955
00:47:55,220 --> 00:47:58,250
If I was her, I can imagine 
saying something like this and 

956
00:47:58,260 --> 00:48:01,270
not have at all meant that I 
didn't think you were exciting 

957
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:04,850
and passionate and that I didn't
feel those beautiful feelings. 

958
00:48:05,220 --> 00:48:08,860
But what I would be probably 
intent like in implying is 

959
00:48:09,690 --> 00:48:13,740
you're not this crazy intense 
relationship that I've had 

960
00:48:13,750 --> 00:48:16,120
before that has also been 
extremely toxic. 

961
00:48:16,170 --> 00:48:18,420
Yeah. 
And I actually know, you know, 

962
00:48:18,430 --> 00:48:21,780
of multiple scenarios with 
people that I've walked with 

963
00:48:21,790 --> 00:48:25,820
that have been in very intense 
relationships that are very, 

964
00:48:25,830 --> 00:48:27,620
very toxic. 
And the reason that they're 

965
00:48:27,630 --> 00:48:31,560
probably so intense, which can 
sometimes look like a positive 

966
00:48:31,570 --> 00:48:35,080
thing, is usually due to that 
toxicity. 

967
00:48:35,530 --> 00:48:39,020
And so I don't think it might. 
The words are the same. 

968
00:48:39,090 --> 00:48:41,230
Like intense, passionate, sweet.
Me, Murphy. 

969
00:48:41,240 --> 00:48:44,710
I don't think the toxic version 
of that, I don't think actually,

970
00:48:44,720 --> 00:48:48,290
is passion. 
I think it's actually toxicity. 

971
00:48:48,340 --> 00:48:51,180
Toxicity. 
Wow, can't say that toxic, you 

972
00:48:51,190 --> 00:48:57,450
know, I'm saying toxicity, 
toxicity, toxicity or control, 

973
00:48:57,860 --> 00:49:01,700
like manipulation, those things 
that look into, but they're. 

974
00:49:01,710 --> 00:49:03,910
Not, yeah. 
But I feel like, I don't know 

975
00:49:05,230 --> 00:49:07,080
head. 
I'm just picturing like these 

976
00:49:07,090 --> 00:49:09,800
people, they're going off 
playing a motorbike, you know, I

977
00:49:09,810 --> 00:49:12,680
mean, it's just like they're 
just doing crazy things. 

978
00:49:13,370 --> 00:49:16,300
I think there's craziness and 
safe and I feel like there's a 

979
00:49:16,310 --> 00:49:19,440
lot of people they want safe and
it's probably more what she's 

980
00:49:19,450 --> 00:49:22,630
meaning is. 
But I think the way that she 

981
00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:26,230
describes it is not that he's 
not fine, he's boring, all that 

982
00:49:26,240 --> 00:49:27,950
sort of stuff, but he's more 
safe. 

983
00:49:28,010 --> 00:49:31,520
Is that mean responsibility? 
I don't know like and and I 

984
00:49:31,530 --> 00:49:33,880
think that's probably good for 
her to draw out. 

985
00:49:33,890 --> 00:49:36,020
He's like, well, what is those 
differences? 

986
00:49:36,510 --> 00:49:40,760
Um, So what is she genuinely 
mean between those differences 

987
00:49:40,770 --> 00:49:44,960
of of crazy and safe? 
I think that's different things,

988
00:49:44,970 --> 00:49:46,640
but you don't want to be the 
boring safeguard. 

989
00:49:46,650 --> 00:49:49,440
Too to hear that would be 
confronting. 

990
00:49:50,790 --> 00:49:52,960
I think through movies too, 
right? 

991
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:56,600
The the girl always leaves the 
safe option for the crazy dude. 

992
00:49:56,670 --> 00:49:59,580
No other way around. 
No, no, no, no. 

993
00:49:59,650 --> 00:50:02,920
They no storyline is. 
Here she makes. 

994
00:50:02,930 --> 00:50:05,360
For the crazy guy. 
And then she ends up with the 

995
00:50:05,370 --> 00:50:08,320
safe guy at the end. 
There's always a problem and 

996
00:50:08,330 --> 00:50:12,330
it's the crazy guy. 
So my mother, that's your that's

997
00:50:12,340 --> 00:50:15,990
that would be that scenario that
you just said I'm thinking of. 

998
00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:17,190
Actually, that's the other way 
around. 

999
00:50:18,100 --> 00:50:19,090
Isn't he the crate? 
No. 

1000
00:50:19,100 --> 00:50:21,210
No, because she's with the So. 
Yeah, Yeah, it's all right. 

1001
00:50:21,220 --> 00:50:22,730
Yeah, her. 
Ex Husband that she ended up 

1002
00:50:22,740 --> 00:50:25,330
with at the. 
End he hear me again guys hear 

1003
00:50:25,340 --> 00:50:27,950
me again. 
So yeah, so she's goes to the 

1004
00:50:27,960 --> 00:50:31,310
crazy guy, The other one with 
old mate and old love in New 

1005
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:36,760
York and Ashton Kutcher and Drew
Barry. 

1006
00:50:36,770 --> 00:50:41,760
No Cameron Diaz. 
Just married? 

1007
00:50:41,970 --> 00:50:42,940
No. 
What's it called? 

1008
00:50:43,030 --> 00:50:44,940
Just married? 
What happens in Vegas? 

1009
00:50:45,730 --> 00:50:48,420
Perfect example, doesn't she? 
Is she meant to be with her? 

1010
00:50:48,430 --> 00:50:49,960
Boring guy, your chick flick, 
not mine. 

1011
00:50:50,070 --> 00:50:52,000
I don't really remember. 
I think I'm butchering it, but 

1012
00:50:52,070 --> 00:50:54,610
they're crazy. 
Anyway, I feel like she was with

1013
00:50:54,620 --> 00:50:56,070
a boring guy that went back to 
him. 

1014
00:50:56,110 --> 00:50:59,640
Let's just both agree about. 
Hollywood says that you should 

1015
00:50:59,650 --> 00:51:02,340
leave the boring dude for the 
crazy dude. 

1016
00:51:02,410 --> 00:51:04,770
Depends. 
I didn't know where else to go 

1017
00:51:04,780 --> 00:51:06,530
with that because I'll start 
wrapped up. 

1018
00:51:06,540 --> 00:51:09,350
In charge for the day and what? 
How to win a date in 10 days. 

1019
00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:12,880
That's not it. 
Win a date with Tad Hamilton. 

1020
00:51:13,090 --> 00:51:16,120
I haven't seen it you. 
Haven't seen Anyway the the 

1021
00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:21,160
reality is no, it wouldn't sound
nice to hear that about you and 

1022
00:51:21,170 --> 00:51:23,300
be like also I'm the boring, 
safe person. 

1023
00:51:23,870 --> 00:51:26,870
I'm passionate about you, but 
that doesn't sound that way in 

1024
00:51:26,880 --> 00:51:29,140
that conversation. 
But the really good thing about 

1025
00:51:29,150 --> 00:51:31,160
this situation is she knows 
she's heard him. 

1026
00:51:31,270 --> 00:51:34,560
She knows how she's hurt him. 
And so now even though she's 

1027
00:51:34,570 --> 00:51:37,040
saying she doesn't know how to 
have that conversation, she 

1028
00:51:37,050 --> 00:51:38,620
knows what she's trying to 
portray. 

1029
00:51:38,630 --> 00:51:41,960
And she even says in that last 
line, this is the the best 

1030
00:51:41,970 --> 00:51:44,370
relationship I've ever been in. 
And so if she. 

1031
00:51:44,380 --> 00:51:46,210
Can what makes it the best? 
Yeah, exactly. 

1032
00:51:46,220 --> 00:51:48,170
Figure out what it is. 
It's making it the best, and 

1033
00:51:48,180 --> 00:51:51,520
communicate that with him and 
apologise for the hurt and what 

1034
00:51:51,530 --> 00:51:54,250
that implied to him. 
And the other element of it too 

1035
00:51:54,260 --> 00:51:55,320
is. 
You know, doing that publicly 

1036
00:51:55,330 --> 00:51:57,030
probably didn't feel great 
because he's probably like 

1037
00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:59,550
everyone else in their heads 
putting these dots together too.

1038
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:01,660
You're often your little story 
because you're telling your 

1039
00:52:01,670 --> 00:52:02,710
story. 
You're not putting the dots 

1040
00:52:02,720 --> 00:52:06,080
together about how you sound. 
Everyone else in the room is 

1041
00:52:06,090 --> 00:52:09,600
probably like. 
Getting to me kind of sounds 

1042
00:52:09,610 --> 00:52:13,430
like she is raving about him. 
You know, in a way she's like, 

1043
00:52:13,440 --> 00:52:16,220
I've had all these crazy 
relationships and but at the end

1044
00:52:16,230 --> 00:52:18,950
of the day, what she, it sounds 
like what she's saying is like, 

1045
00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:22,520
but this guy is so much better 
than those guys. 

1046
00:52:23,010 --> 00:52:24,740
So in a way, she's still raving 
about. 

1047
00:52:24,750 --> 00:52:26,220
Him. 
She just got to reword it. 

1048
00:52:26,390 --> 00:52:27,920
This is the perfect example of 
it. 

1049
00:52:27,930 --> 00:52:30,160
It's not what she meant. 
It's how she said it. 

1050
00:52:30,210 --> 00:52:33,540
And I think that they absolutely
have space to have that 

1051
00:52:33,550 --> 00:52:37,460
conversation in a constructive 
way and even get raw about like 

1052
00:52:37,470 --> 00:52:40,040
what it what her experiences 
were with those other guys and 

1053
00:52:40,050 --> 00:52:42,720
why that was so toxic. 
So that he understands all you 

1054
00:52:42,730 --> 00:52:44,920
don't want to be these guys. 
Yeah, you do not want to be 

1055
00:52:44,930 --> 00:52:48,580
these characters in my story. 
Lesson of this story is say it 

1056
00:52:48,590 --> 00:52:51,260
right. 
Say it right first time. 

1057
00:52:51,270 --> 00:52:54,760
Easy So easy. 
And if you could see how much 

1058
00:52:54,770 --> 00:52:58,270
editing I have to do, you would 
know, right? 

1059
00:52:58,410 --> 00:53:00,300
We never say it right the first 
time. 

1060
00:53:00,650 --> 00:53:05,170
I don't even say words right? 
Anyway, we never say it right 

1061
00:53:05,180 --> 00:53:08,710
the first time. 
Don't put that in there. 

1062
00:53:09,600 --> 00:53:11,330
My guys, that's the end. 
That's the end. 

1063
00:53:11,340 --> 00:53:15,550
We do have one extra story for 
our Patreon ours slash, Spotify 

1064
00:53:15,740 --> 00:53:18,880
fam that have signed up. 
So if you want to hear another 

1065
00:53:18,890 --> 00:53:21,070
story in this theme, hop on 
over. 

1066
00:53:21,580 --> 00:53:24,800
Otherwise we have a. 
Little baby. 

1067
00:53:26,520 --> 00:53:28,830
With 2% on the iPad. 
So let's see how we go. 

1068
00:53:29,820 --> 00:53:33,910
I just wanna state we got a 
comment on one of our posts and 

1069
00:53:33,920 --> 00:53:37,290
I was holding a pen and paper 
and so I made the comments. 

1070
00:53:37,300 --> 00:53:39,430
Why am I not trusted with the 
iPad? 

1071
00:53:40,470 --> 00:53:42,940
Looky here. 
If he dropped it right now, it 

1072
00:53:42,950 --> 00:53:46,720
would be. 
Who he's got the iPad and now. 

1073
00:53:47,530 --> 00:53:52,660
He's got no iPad anymore. 
Alright, and thus we conclude 

1074
00:53:52,670 --> 00:53:57,400
another chronicle at Honey. 
We need to chat, pray, hold fast

1075
00:53:57,410 --> 00:54:02,160
till our paths cross and on. 
And may your discourses be as 

1076
00:54:02,170 --> 00:54:07,290
bountiful as a feast in the 
Great Hall, until we next summon

1077
00:54:07,300 --> 00:54:15,150
thee to this convivial conclave.
Keep Thy words kind and Thy 

1078
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:17,900
hearts open. 
Bye. 

1079
00:54:17,910 --> 00:54:18,370
Good chat.