Welcome to honey. We need to.
Chat ASMR version SMR babe, what are you doing right now?
I'm doing this for you. You've blown my mind.
Thank you. I can hear it in my headphones.
I'm making myself cringe. I like it.
Why? I really appreciate this.
Anyone who really doesn't like ASMR has already turned the
episode welcome. Welcome to honey.
We need to. Chat unexpected for me.
Thank you Did. I'll listen back to that later
when I'm going to sleep. Anyway, welcome back to a new
episode. Thank you for being here.
Yeah, thank you very much. Thank you very much for being
here. Today is a Reddit chat.
It is gonna be going through a topic that you know that I will
find out. Yeah.
But before we get into that, we you put a story out today on the
socials. Tell me about that.
What was the story? About it was a challenge for
those that struggle to get out for date nights.
They struggle to have quality time together.
Was a challenge to think outside the box little bit and maybe
just make it happen at home. So something we did a lot in
COVID and just even just since being parents but it kind of
kicked off in COVID was at home date nights where we would set
up the lounge room, like we would clean it up, make it a
nice space. It was calming.
Set up a table in front of the TV and we would search
restaurant background scene. I genuinely crave this.
Genuinely, it sounds so corny. And even when I made the story
today, I was like, people are going to laugh, but it actually
is super transformative to the space, Yeah, And it made it
possible for us to be getting out.
I'm doing Bunny ears. Quotations.
Out when we weren't able to get out.
And it also meant that instead of us, you know, just sitting on
the couch and watching our show that we've been watching for the
last six weeks straight or something like that, we were
having special, different kind of quality time together.
Really. Really.
Good. And I think The thing is, it
breaks the norm. So exactly when you sit down,
the first time we did it, it was a little bit awkward.
You sit down, we're all dressed up.
We've got this fake that's running the background.
Nice music, but after a while it really helps to switch your
brain from OK, yes, we're at a proper restaurant, but it
switches my brain from OK, we've just put the kids down.
We've just gone through the routines.
We've just gone through all of that, too.
The normal. OK.
I'm sitting down with Amy. Different, This is different and
our conversations are different. It helps me get into that.
That's that state of conversation or whatever you
want to call it. Yeah, that was really good.
Yeah. So you shared that today?
Yeah, I put the challenge out there.
I just randomly was thinking about it.
And yeah, we had really good feedback.
I love it guys. You seriously, I love the
feedback we get. And we got one.
We got some feedback just before we sat down tonight, actually.
What was that? What was?
That one of our friends messaged in and just showed us.
She had taken a photo of their setup, which was slightly
different. They do kind of the opposite
where they set up a nice like they set up a mattress in the
lounge room. They have like a sleepover on
the lounge room together, which is really cool and just said how
they enjoy doing the same thing and how interesting the story
was. The challenge was.
And also just in the challenge that I put out there, I said use
some of the prompts that we've even used on the podcast as
conversation starters. Because sometimes you get to
date now even when you're going out of the house and you just
sit there and all you can talk about is your kids or or you can
talk about is finances or like me you're just in a bit of a
daze for a couple hours. And so having like a prompt to
encourage deeper conversation or conversation you might not think
of of your own is really helpful.
So I said, you know, look up the would you rathers for couples.
There's so many. We use them all the podcasts all
the time. Look up 100 questions you'd ask
your spouse. Look up the five love languages.
Do the trend that we did the other week of the things you
might not know about us with the social media is fake.
Challenge all those sorts of things.
Just kind of to think outside of the box.
And yeah, she was saying that that's really helpful as well
for them in the stage that they're in.
So yeah, it was cool. And a couple other people
message in saying they're going to try it.
They hadn't thought of it before.
It's such a simple thing, and I think one of the parts of the
heart behind me sharing it is that it's very easy to to just
be stuck in this thought that we can't get out.
You can't go on a date now, especially when you're a parent
and getting babysitter logistically is really
difficult. Or you're both working way too
hard and you don't have time, don't have finances, whatever it
might be, we can't get out and you just get stuck there.
But the reality is you almost always have an opportunity to
switch things up and have quality time.
And if you can just think outside of the box a little bit,
you can actually have that time. It might not look the way you'd
ideally have it, but you can still have that time without
having to make it bigger. This big lavish event, Sort of.
Thing. It does take effort, and it
does. Take.
You know, and sometimes, and we recognise that it's hard, but we
do also recognise the importance of having that quality time
together and putting that investment in intentionality to
it for sure. So 2.
Two things as well. So we're actually gonna be
sending out some questions as well.
Some conversation starters for our people that have signed up
to our email list. So go to our website home, we
need to chat.com and sign up to our email list there.
But also I want to ask you guys to send us your conversation
starters. What are conversations that you
guys do? So Amy has some great ones that
she'll bring up on our anniversary or birthday or a
special occasion that she'll go through and we will discuss
those in the future. But if you guys have some send
some through to us as well because we wanna add that to our
toolkit that be great. And share them with the
community. Yeah, the peeps.
Go well. Hit us with yeah right in Reddit
stuff. So this theme, we've all heard
the saying, it's not what you said, it's how you said it.
And that's essentially what this theme is.
However, I just want to change it slightly because sometimes it
is what they said, sometimes it is what you've said.
It's what you. Said so.
And how you. Said it and how you said it.
So my, my spin on it is it's not what you meant.
It's how it was said, a little bit different because inside you
might not have meant it to be that way.
What you said and how it was said, that's so great.
That's the theme of our stories. And relatable.
For some of us, yeah, it's relatable for everyone.
But for some of us, more than others.
Cooking with Amy. Alright, wait, you need to start
us. Oh yeah, I drink already, raised
my cup to my mouth and I was like, I can't stop now, yeah.
I have to. Complete Complete this journey
of cup to mouth. Alright, over to the chit chat
jar. No, perfectly decorated.
Shake it up the perfectly What? Decorated ohk OK sorry, this
question is what's a goal you have for us for the next five
years? In what capacity?
All over the capacities. Oh my goodness.
Well, just what's a goals like I could as your choice like what's
a goal that you have for us? It's gonna let's keep it
relationally for our relationship in the next five
years. I think continuing or maybe
getting back to building our relationship because it's it
hasn't been on hold obviously because that's not a healthy
thing to do. But there because we've been
having kids for the last 7 or eight years, it's kind of been,
there's elements of it that we haven't really been able to
super invest in. And I feel like now that we've
got all of our children, one goal is just to not have another
child. Obviously would love the child
if it was to come, but let's aim for that not to be the case.
Let's aim for us not to love another child.
Let's aim for us to love really well the children that we have
anyway. And on top of that, instead
finally having some intentional time to build some of the things
that we haven't been able to maybe put much effort into,
including our quality time. That's one thing because our
kids are moving into school age, and that's just totally changing
the season that we're in. Um, yeah, our emotional and
physical intimacy. That's another thing that I
wanna kind of invest back into, where it's kind of been drained
in a lot of ways over the past season.
That would be a goal. About you, I like I said, we're
going to New Zealand for this counselling session for us from
my goal for us in the next five years is that in five years we
have things that we do every year.
Do you mean like at the moment we're exploring things for us to
be doing to be investing in. So it's kind of like discovery
stage. So in five years I would love us
to be. No, that's actually part of our
relationship is our investment and intentionality for our
growth in our relationship. And it's like, cool, alright, we
wanna go to New Zealand this year, but this is the thing that
we do and it's it's. Standing appointment Almost.
Absolutely. It's not a This would be nice to
do like, no, no, no, this is a must because we've seen that
when we give something room to fester or if we like, haven't
been intentional on some area or let some things slide, it grows
and it grows yucky. So that's where it's like, well,
if you know, whatever it is, whatever we decide to do, it's
making sure that we're not allowing.
Yeah, we're not letting things faster.
We're not giving them. We're not hiding them away for
so long that they can grow. Yeah, we're just airing them
out, airing our dirty laundry. And the professionals.
Cool. Good question.
Is that it? That's it.
Which is the one? Oh, OK, Did we do two?
Last time I see two, there's another one that's.
Let's just get it out. So much weighing on one
question. It's response if we only do the
one. Oh my gosh.
What's the most valuable lesson you've learned from our past
argument? These questions are so big.
I'm so this is not your Would you rather anymore this is.
These are. These are the stuff.
Is the most valuable lesson I've learned from past argument not
to turn it malicious or critical, Like as in not to make
the argument and attack on you or on whoever I'm attacking
attack on the person's value? You for me is it's.
I think we've covered it in a past episode, but take a deep
breath and don't react to my side.
Like, don't be like and really push that I've got.
I've gotta defend myself. I've gotta do this, I've gotta
do that. And it's really to take that
breath and try and listen to what is actually the issue.
Because like we're going to be talking about tonight.
And again I don't know what these top what these actual
scenarios are but for ours it's been, well, you know you're
saying this thing and you're saying it this way but what are
you actually meaning Yeah, you know where we're all where is
this coming from So what's the behind the things to help me to
address that in the commonplace. Yeah.
Come away. I think, to sum that up, really
good point. The argument is often not just
the argument, right? There's almost always stuff
going on underneath. So what's that?
That's the more important issue than than the surface level
argument most of the time. Unless the arguments obvious
like don't do that. OK, I want to do that.
And that's that. On honey, we need to.
We need to chat. Alright, so let's dive into some
of these. It's not what you meant, It's
everything about how it was said.
It's getting longer. Honey, we need to chat, alright?
First story, Boyfriend said. I have no opinions.
My boyfriend, 21, male and I21 female, have been together for
over a year now. We hardly ever argue, though.
Sometimes I find it challenging to get him to open up about his
feelings. Overall, we have a good
relationship and I care about him a lot.
Whenever we hang out, he always asks what I want to do and I
usually respond with a casual. I don't know, I'm fine with
whatever, that's just me being a chill person.
Or so I thought last night. We were chilling at his place
and he throws out the classic question, What do you want to
do? I said, I don't know, play
Hogwarts Legacy maybe, but we can watch something if you want.
His response seemed a bit annoyed as he asked, well, do
you want to play Hogwarts Legacy?
I shrugged and said sure, sounds good.
Then he came back with, but what do you actually want to do?
To which I told him I'm really OK with whatever.
He then went on to say that I'm very indecisive, which he's
correct about. I responded by saying he always
asks me what I want to do, but he never knows what he wants to
do either. He then said, when I ask you
what you want to do, it's not because I don't know what I want
to do, it's because I want you to decide.
Then he said something along the lines of I have opinions, which
is something you never seem to have.
His words stung more than I expected.
It felt like he was saying I didn't have a mind of my own.
We didn't talk much after that and I couldn't shake how it made
me feel. Since we rarely fight, I was
worried that this is truly how he feels about me.
Eventually I let it slide but I'm unsure how to address it
without causing more tension. Did I overreact?
And then this person did an edit to add at the end after reading
some of the comments. After reflecting on responses, I
realised my habit of avoiding decisions has caused tension in
our relationship. I've always been in
relationships with controlling people that I let make decisions
to avoid conflict, but my boyfriend isn't like that.
I also struggle with anxiety, which might contribute to my
fear of making the wrong choice. I'm going to talk to him and let
him know that although his comment hurt me, I'm ready to
take more initiative in making decisions.
It's time to work on this together.
Well done. I thought it was such a well
rounded story, complete, they finished it.
But the conversation behind this is obviously he's he's come out
and said I have opinions, you never have opinions, which is
not like a massive stab, but it it obviously hurt her.
It made her feel a bit like maybe he doesn't think she's
someone who has a mind of her own.
She just floats along. I've actually had almost this
exact conversation. Not in a hurtful way.
Like with me. Or no, with with one of my
previous partners, it was very well done, but it was.
I was very, very young when we were dating and I genuinely, as
I've mentioned on the podcast before, kind of didn't feel like
I was awake to myself. So it's so bizarre, but you know
what I mean? And so I was so scared to to be
offensive or to like to be wrong on something or to like say so.
So I was just always like whatever, whatever.
And then one time he sent me down.
He's like, you can actually disagree with me or say what you
actually think about something sometimes.
And I was like, OK, which is not an offensive thing at all, but
it it just was confronting. So I thinking with these
conversations, it's not what they meant, it's how they said
it. So maybe we could talk about how
we might reword this in that situation to address the same
issue, but in a way that wouldn't hurt.
I think with this scenario too though, it's it's so much
broader than just like boyfriend, girlfriend, husband,
wife stuff. This is, I think through this.
I'm like, man, I do this with my team members, right?
I, I I can be very blunt. I can just just say things and
not think about how they received or especially if I'm in
a bad mood or I'm tired or whatever else, I can just speak
and something that I'm still trying to work on.
So this is so much broader than just relation like intimate
relationships. And a lot of the stories I was
looking through were actually not romantic relationships.
I've picked the romantic ones just because it's more in our
tone. But that a lot of people were
submitting stories that were different kind of platonic
relationships or family members. I think First off, I think it's
just awesome that she has identified in herself.
And I think nearly every, nearly every story that we've spoken
about has, has brought in from my previous relationships and
this happened, that happened now, you know, and I feel like
that's a lot of, a lot of the case for a lot of the things,
even our most recent arguments have been kind of external
factors. Getting into.
Applying into it. So again it's more than just
what the conversation is. It's like alright what's what's
going, what's feeding into this. So that's really cool.
That's really cool that she's identified that and that she's
going to actually go back to him say that this hurt being like an
address that like that. That's important to say.
You know it did hurt me. I did overreact, but that did
hurt me and this this is what I why I think and helping him to
understand why you do those things I think is really really.
Good. Yeah.
Huge. From the start, I I we we've
I've definitely struggled with this.
You know, I've definitely struggled with being blunt to
you and just not understanding things and especially if we're
tired or frustrated already or whatever else, you can just get
snappy. And I feel like this is kind of
more on the minor side to some of the things that we've
discussed, but it still is impactful.
And I think one big thing that we really spoke about was what's
the desired outcome here? You know, a desired outcome
isn't there. Now I get my point across when
you can never make a decision, it's that all right, you might
for some reason be struggling with this thing.
And my desired outcome would genuinely be in a perfect world,
my desired outcome would be that you feel supported by me to
overcome a struggle that you might have.
But that's that's the perfect com and so I think with with the
way that he's spoken about it, it doesn't it's that's not
communicated. It's just just do better, right.
We've really tried to work on the team elements of the
struggle. So to have team in mind one
thing he could have said was will approach the situation by
asking her, you know I feel like I've noticed that you've
struggled to make decisions. You know I'll put out some of
these things and just wanted to see like do you find it hard to
make these decisions rather than accusing cause one she's gonna
go on defence like I would and I do get straight into a defence
mode and the other way is more like open question like do you
think and it it helps her reflex then my brothers done done
really well with me in this space right.
So I can tell he's got a different thought in mind.
But he will ask, he won't come at me as like, oh, you struggle
with this thing, you know, you you do it this way or whatever
else. And it used to.
But as we've got older he's changed his approach to being
like do you think you struggle with this?
Do you think that maybe, you know, just putting things out
there not in the patronising way, it's a seems like a genuine
question and what that does is just Psalms, my pride and and it
it actually, I can't really put my walls up.
Well, I can, but it's a lot harder to put my walls up
because it's like, oh, maybe, you know, I don't.
I don't. Know it makes you think.
Absolutely. So rather than if you just came
at me and said you're doing this, this and this, I'm gonna
be like what? Like Like put your Dukes up.
We're gonna argue about this. But when it's just a genuine
question out of support, I don't know like I do.
You find that you struggle with making decisions.
Like I've just asked a few things.
I just wondering like is that something that you find hard or
are you genuinely happy with me just making the decisions or
something and and going about that way?
I feel like as a more disarming way of asking.
Yeah, just curiosity. I think we've spoken about that
having an attitude of curiosity, like why do you not?
What is going on for you here? Not because I'm annoyed, but
just because I'm curious. The other element of it is that
she mentions in the story that he doesn't much much say what
he's thinking. Like he doesn't really go into
that. And so for him to all of a
sudden come out and it's just a classic story.
Like you would hear this kind of thing all the time.
All of a sudden it comes out because they're holding it in
for that. Be the first sort of thing that
he's confronted as well would be adding even more kind of shock
to how she's taking it. But I think the the, the next
step in this conversation would also be to say I need you to let
me know earlier than this when you're getting irritated, like
we're working on what's going on for him as well and why he
doesn't share more often. And you know, she said she, she
has been around controlling people and relationships, which
is huge for her to recognise. Really, really helpful.
And he's not that way. So I wonder what's happened for
him in his past as well. Not that he should be
controlling, but as in is there something that makes him not
want to address the things, not really want to open up and maybe
they can explore that as well. But I feel like this is a really
it's ended really healthily healthy in a healthy way.
I see this is the beginning of their conversations though.
You know it's not saying that you won't say things in the
wrong way. You will because we just react
in certain things. Again are we tired?
Are we really cranky from the day that we've had at work or or
through another relationship whatever.
And So what this is, is just like I I love this because
she's, I dressed her with things have could have fed into that
but she's going back and they're going to start the conversation
and that's going to be cool. Let's I don't think we've ever
started like a journey on on one of our things where we're like
hey let's do this perfect. You know it's always been out of
an argument or something and we all we do it in the wrong way
and then we've identified like actually this is a sore point
for us and then we we can work through it.
Because the things that aren't sore points, you don't notice,
it just happened naturally. So they're going to be things
you have to address intentionally.
Yeah, the other stuff will just be kind of second nature.
Cool. Well, that was an easy one to
ease in. It was nice.
OK, second story. How to cheer my girlfriend, 23,
female when I accidentally said something bad that I don't even
remember 22 male. Classic, Classic.
Throughout my life, I've never really had a girlfriend or close
female friend until I met my current girlfriend who have been
dating for about a year now. We've had our fair share of
arguments, but as we've gotten to know each other better, those
fights have become few and far between.
One thing I've learned about her is that she's not a fan of
people speaking without thinking about the consequences, a trait
that I definitely have. I've been working on watching
what I say, and for the most part it's been going OK.
But as luck would have it, a little slip up recently caused a
lot of trouble. So apparently during a
conversation I said something like going out with you gets
kind of boring. I don't even remember seeing it
or what the context was, but she sure does, and it's been stuck
in her head ever since. We tried to hash it out, but it
was just awkward silence. Honestly, I didn't mean to upset
her, and the fact that I can't even remember saying it makes it
even worse. I just don't know what to say to
make things right. Finally, I mustered up the
courage to ask her if she was OK, and that's when the argument
started. She accused me of not knowing
how to comfort a girl in situations like this, and I have
to admit she has a point. It's tough trying to reassure
her when I'm the one who's messed up in the 1st place.
What should I do? I think that's good.
Either way that he's recognising he's messed up, Like I think
that is a good thing. I think that can be hard for
individuals, guys or girls. I think they can be a hard thing
is when you admit it and recognise that you've done it
and it's cool that he's trying to do stuff to do better.
Have I ever done this? Said something.
Not like not this specific thing, but in terms of I'm
trying to think through has ever been a scenario where I've said
something but didn't realise I said it?
Is it ringing a bell or something?
Kind of, but it's so vague I couldn't I couldn't even picture
it look. Probably babe.
And now I'm angry at you for. It well, I know definitely the
things that you do get angry at me about, which I don't remember
because I wasn't even there. The dreams you have about.
Me. Have done something and then you
wake. Up.
Maybe that's what this is. I don't.
Remember. But I wouldn't remember notes.
He's just taking it. Well, Well done, Well done.
And I I think again it's just part of the journey.
You know he's he's said something silly.
He's recognised he said it. I feel that it's a bit of a
maybe a trust broken, you know. I mean it again is safety.
It's it's really down to safety. If you don't feel safe with
someone it's hard to trust that space.
So in her mind is probably like well if we go out now I'm going
to be boring you know all that sort of stuff.
So it's not just a matter of having a conversation, it's
actually building that trust back up again.
So be intentional with going out to do stuff and it's kind of on
him now to make it fun. Yeah, you know, how is he gonna
make that fun and and help her? Feel fun.
Feel fun? Well, yeah, feel fine.
And feel safe and and feel like, Oh no, this is something we're
doing to, you know, it's a togetherness thing.
Yeah, I think there's two parts to this conversation.
One is what he said and how he could have said it better.
Two is how then you work on building that back when you said
something that is a is a broad comment on someone's impact on
your presence. And I think pointing out that
he's 22 is huge because he is in that age bracket where you are
coming out of being a kid into an adult and you're going to
learn these hard lessons of being like, oh, I need to be
accountable for what I say or accountable for someone else's
feelings. And it's great that he's
actually learning that even though it's going to be a
painful process because the thing that he says apparently
allegedly is going out with you kind of gets boring.
And I actually read a few of the comments on this post because I
was curious what people were saying and some people were
saying, I wonder if either you are just really bad at at saying
things without thinking about the consequences, so much so
that you don't even remember saying it And or she is someone
who who reads into things that aren't necessarily said but that
she kind of fills in the gaps because of her, how sensitive
she is to this sort of information.
So. So that was an interesting
point. If he doesn't remember saying
it, potentially she's built that story a little bit by other
things he said. Or I mean, he could just
genuinely not remember saying it.
But the other thing too is if he doesn't remember saying it,
that's like that's one thing. So you say, oh, I don't remember
saying that, then you have to be addressing that.
Is it true though? Because if he's just like, I
don't remember saying that and he focuses on.
I don't remember saying that, No, I don't think I said that.
Instead of being like you aren't boring to be with, like just
address, address head on that message that she now has in her
head. I think that's a good place to
start. Sort of like what you said.
Working on showing her that she's fun, Working on building
that trust back a bit, Working on addressing that.
Like, sorry if I gave you the impression that you're boring.
I don't think you're boring. Maybe sometimes what we've done
isn't super stimulating, or maybe there's funnier things we
could do. Maybe we could mix things up so
that it's a bit more exciting. But focusing on you aren't
boring. I love you.
This is why I enjoy our time together.
Let's make that safe and intentional.
I think is a good step if for the exercise of the process, if
you were like going out with you gets really boring and we've had
this kind of conversation. I remember.
You remember what it is? It it wasn't that I've said that
you're boring. It's that I don't laugh at your
reels. OHS oh, I know that one.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So I think that's what I had in
my mind cause this is I'm trying to think through, OK what's
what's the scenario that we've had that is most similar to this
because this was actually a real thing for us because you Yeah,
you you felt like I didn't think you were funny and humour is a
big value of yours, right? And I still don't.
I I still don't Saudi find a lot of your reels funny?
There's, there's. Something my reels.
You mean the ones I'm sharing? The ones the ones you share.
Ones I make. Once you make it the.
Best. Funny, Yeah.
So there's there's some of us still don't find funny a lot.
I still don't find funny. There's a lot that I send you
there you don't find funny. So back.
At you. Very true.
This is the closest scenario that we've got this for you was
because humour is a high value for you.
For me it was like this is I feel like this is probably when
we first started talking about this, we were kind of in not
necessarily friend zone but tired zone.
So we we hadn't had many date nights, we hadn't been investing
in our relationship much. So the humour wasn't really, it
was either really sarcastic or it wasn't really there.
And this was, I guess, your attempt to bring humour into our
relationship or keep it alive. This is me reading between the
lines and in helping us have that in in our relationship,
right. So for you, high value not
really happening in our relationship.
This is your attempt to bring it into our relationship.
I'm not finding it funny. It's hard for you.
It hurts you. I I feel like we have a lot of
fun now. I feel like we laugh at each
other a lot more. I don't laugh at your reels but
I don't feel like they've been as much of an issue because
there's humour in our relationship.
And because I stopped sending them to you and you stopped
watching them, let's just point. Out my point, but my point is,
is that this is a good question. Do you feel, do you feel that I
don't find you funny now? I don't think you don't find me
funny. The the real thing was slightly
different because it was all this.
This made me laugh. I'm showing you this thing that
made me laugh and then you would watch it and you'd make me feel
a bit stupid for it. So your reaction was a bit like
OK and that made me be like, alright, whatever, like it made
me laugh. And so it wasn't that it wasn't
necessarily, I don't think it wasn't that I thought you didn't
think I was funny. It was that you weren't putting
any effort into engaging in what I found interesting.
Whereas if you send me reels, I don't always find them funny.
In fact, I often don't. But I'll do the fake laugh,
which we've talked about this a lot in our relationship.
I'll be like, and that annoys you because then you're like,
it's not real. Yeah.
So it's just two different
values, I guess, or different, like, mismatching values.
Because to me, I would rather you feel, even if I don't
actually get it or I don't find you funny, I'd rather you feel
like I'm encouraging in that space or I'm engaging with what
you were showing me. But you are like, I'm not going
to pretend that I find something funny.
They don't find funny. And so the the more problem for
me was that your reaction in that moment was made me feel
like he thought I was stupid or I should say I felt stupid for
sharing the thing with you that you didn't engage with.
Yeah. So that was a better, better way
of that was more the core of what was going on for.
Me So this is obviously still a thing that we're not dealing
with and this is one of the minor things, but still
definitely something we're working on.
So there's two points for this one, and I'm not sure if this is
a guy thing or just solely me thing.
One, I know that I would make jokes about it at your expense
cause I'm trying to. It's like I'm trying to be
funny, but it's not really funny.
I don't know why, but I and I know other guys do.
It's like we we do dumb humour that isn't funny but we're
trying to be funny but it's not funny and it's just.
Like dad jokes, Kind of like. Kind of.
But dad jokes still have that bit of humour to it.
You know me, but I can go to a jokey point for some reason.
It's like it's not funny. It's actually just annoying.
Or it's not acknowledging the other person.
So this is a perfect example. You'll send me a real bike.
Why did you send that to me? But I'm genuinely kind of trying
to make a joke about it. Like, I mean, this is silly, but
it's making me feel silly. And that's not my intention.
The other part too is and and I think you understand this One
more. I just don't get it.
I don't understand. And this is the hard part of
where I'm like, I'm. I wanna find it funny.
I just don't understand what I'm watching.
I don't know where do I laugh? And I'll laugh at the beginning.
And you like, no, no. Yeah, I'm like, oh, OK, yeah,
right. You know, I just don't get it.
But yeah, so there, I genuinely think.
I think you're the funniest person I know.
Like I genuinely mean. Yeah, yeah.
He said it in our vows. And that that one clip got put
into our, like, wedding trailer. We we share the wedding trailer.
Yeah, the wedding trailer that we got made, it was that was a
highlighted clip and was like, that is going down in history
because that was the first time you said that.
Yeah, held on to it. One of our kids woke up and I
don't remember what I was saying but.
It was gonna be good. Really good.
Are you were saying how you think I'm the funniest person?
Moving on. OK, it was really hard.
I'm gonna move. On don't remember what I was
saying. Guys, we have an exciting
update. What's our exciting update?
Patreon. And Spotify subscription.
Spotify sub. We have some really great
quality raw extra content that we are going to be posting on
our Patreon and our Spotify subscription.
So if you are interested in a little bit more from our
episodes, if you get to the end and you're like, I want one more
story, now you. Know.
It's also going to be a place where we will be updating,
sending resources and just keeping our little community
growing and extending there. So if you're interested at all,
please check it out. We will post about how to sign
up. If you have any questions, let
us know. Get on to the Patreon Get on to
the Spotify subscription. Cheer.
Thank you. All right, well, let's move on
to the next story then, since we've got no idea where we're
at. I-29 male am torn up by
something My wife, 36, female, said I need some perspective
because I did not expect to be so bothered by this comment.
Last night my wife and I were watching TV after the show
ended. We were chatting about something
and I made the comment that I am the best husband ever to her.
Her response was, but you aren't the best husband to me.
Thinking she was joking, I said OK, who is the best?
To which she quickly answered with the name of one of her
friends. Husbands, the I was taken aback,
confused, and hurt. I pointed out that she doesn't
actually know how their relationship is.
She only knows what her friend tells her about it, and that
will never be the full picture. She disagreed and we moved on
and decided to put on a movie. I tried to drop it, but I
couldn't. I stopped watching the movie a
few minutes in and went to bed. Now a day later, I feel more
hurt by her comment. This morning she dismissed my
hurt by saying that I can't possibly believe she is the best
wife to me. I understand that in reality it
is not possible for everyone to have the best husband or the
best wife, but I believe that they should certainly think that
about their own spouse. I believe my wife is the best
wife ever. If I didn't, I wouldn't be with
her as I don't believe in settling for anything but the
best, which is an interesting comedy in my mind.
The fact that she not only doesn't think I'm the best, but
also has given thought to who she does consider the best
husband is is hurtful. Now I'm questioning why she is
with me if she thinks better is out there.
I still think I'm overreacting, but I can't seem to shake the
thought and move past it. Please let me know your thoughts
on the matter. A lot of you said that like and
I think he's said that what I would feel, I would struggle to
think that you thought that better was out there.
It was against us trust to safety.
That wouldn't be safe. I think again, this is, it's not
what she was meaning, It's what she said and how she said it.
I don't think she means well. I who knows?
I have no idea what she means. In my heart.
I have to believe that she doesn't mean all.
I don't actually like you. I want this other guy.
What I actually think maybe is going on for her is there's
stuff that she's not addressing with him that she's bothered by.
And sure, she's probably put thought into this husband
doesn't do this or this husband does this for his wife.
And and my friend tells me about it all the time and my husband
is not doing these things that I need.
And instead of addressing those or maybe she hasn't.
He's just totally oblivious to it.
She's made. She's seen an opportunity to
like, yeah, slip it in there. You're the best husband.
This is the best husband. And then not really thought
about or not really cared how that might make him feel, or
what the consequences of that might be, or what might play out
in his head after that. Pensions are hey, this is a good
role model for you. Maybe you can learn a thing or.
Two, and know that I'm not happy.
Yeah, but I feel like she's just butchered.
She's done it in a very unconstructive way.
I was thinking it's sort of similar to the question of like,
am I the most beautiful woman in the world?
Like, I know that I am not the most beautiful woman in the
world. I know that you don't even
believe I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
And that is OK. If we're looking at it from a
neutral perspective, no one you're you're not going to be
like Amy is the most beautiful woman in the world.
I know that I'm the most special person to you.
I don't know that you're attracted to me and that you are
not attract. You're attracted to me as in
isolated individual. Are you trying to tell me?
Yeah, I would disagree with what you're saying.
Am I the most beautiful woman in the?
World because I I guess you know what you're talking about the
that's The thing is beauty is way more than beauty in a person
is so much wrapped up in that there's and there's actually no
one more beautiful than you like genuinely because there's so
much in that And I want to I want to say say that because if
you don't if you don't feel that from me that's a big concern of
mine. Like you are the most beautiful
person to me because you're the mother of my children.
You are my wife. You are my best friend.
I think you're gorgeous. Like all of these things make
that's beauty. It's not anything else, like.
So I can't just let you say that and move on, because that's not
true, you know? Thank.
You the end. I didn't feel like you didn't
think I was that special person to you.
Just to clarify, I very much appreciate that moment and I
will be making that into a real so everyone can see it.
See, I'm funny. Anyway, what I mean is, I don't
know if the word subjective is right, but the the, you know,
vogues, most beautiful woman kind of thing, that kind of
person. I don't, I don't wanna say
attractive cause I think attraction is kind of
encompassing what you've just said where you're attracted to
so much of what somebody is, it's not just how they look.
So if someone says I'm pretty attracted to them, I actually
think that's incredibly inappropriate because that means
you're spending time being drawn to that person by multiple
factors. It's not just, Oh yeah,
physically I can see that there are beautiful person that's
like, oh, I am attracted to them.
I feel like some people say that as like a throwaway comment and
I just think that's big red flag.
That's more red flags to me than if you were to say that person's
beautiful or even that person's hot, like attractions like
different. So anyway, just to say but I
think. Attraction is different.
But in terms of like, physical beauty, I know I'm not the most
beautiful person in the world. I don't claim to be.
I'm just gonna. It's just gonna move past the
beautiful moment that you just had there.
And I know that you know that physically, looking at my body
and my face and who I am, if you were to line me up in a line of
people, I would not be subjectively or whatever the
word is the most beautiful person there to the whole world,
let's just say. So let's say that because I'm
still disagreeing with some of the stuff you're saying, because
again, you're that's what the world would measure as, yeah,
right, If we took the worldview. That's that.
I don't want to be put into our worldview.
I know that really the whole point of me going down this
rabbit trail is to say I know that the two people that are
paired together, no matter how much they love each other, are
also never going to be the perfect person.
I think there's no one I'd rather be with.
So in terms of like what perfect means, this is the guest.
Really complicated. Perfect for me, you are.
You're not a perfect person. I'm not a perfect person, but
you're perfect for me. But what I'm trying to say is,
she could be trying to say something that is a neutral
thing, but she has said in such a damaging way because the
comparator, for one thing, it's a chemical.
Power starting to do that, do you not do?
That damaging thing. Two, it was, he was saying in an
off handed, like if we had just had this conversation right now,
flip it around and and you were like you are the most beautiful
person. I said.
You're not the most beautiful. Person.
That's essentially the same vibe that's happened for these guys
because he's saying like, well, he was making a joke about him
being the the best husband ever. He's turned it that way.
And then he's like, no, you're the best wife for me and she's
like, but you're not the best husband.
So it's just gone. So Askew as has my explanation
of this. Look, he tried.
I tried so hard. He tried really well.
You just were way too better. Way too better.
Kind of sound like Yoda or a couple of times and when he
spins and things. You are.
You attractive to me?
You are. My you are anyway all that say
not done well not done well. I think the commerce whatever it
is, it's happening for her. They're 100% has to be
conversation about that because there's something sitting behind
this comment, whether it's that she's really, she just has a lot
of things she needs to raise and she doesn't know how to.
So she's doing a passive aggressive job here, or she's
absolutely oblivious to what she has implied, and she genuinely
meant it as just like a you're not the perfect person because
no one's perfect kind of thing except the fact that she's
pointed out her friend's husband.
That kind of blows that theory out of the water. 100% needs to
be a conversation about what's going on for her.
I think it's very valid for him to then be like that was very
hurtful and I need to know what's going on there.
I feel like if you had healthy communication as part of your
relationship, I don't think you would say those things.
Yeah, I don't think you you would be that blunt.
I feel like if you have healthy conversation communication in
your relationship, those things that she's wrestling with would
be on the table more. Maybe not all of them, because I
mean, I think you don't recognise all the things you
need to bring up, but I just don't think.
Little job like that wouldn't be, yeah, it wouldn't be
happening because. In a serious way, though, It
sounds like a serious thing, you know, so it's not just a joke.
It sounds like a joke or a lighthearted comment that she's
made lighthearted. She's made it into a
lighthearted comment, but it's actually a very deep thing.
Yeah, it's like I'm gonna place this.
Here so you know. So in the it's kind of like I'm
gonna place this here so you can deal with this.
Yeah, you need some Chinese. Especially her dismissing his
thoughts the next day. Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely. That's not healthy as well.
And again, it's not that team mentality.
It's a gonna place this issue here.
This is your lot of stuff to work on.
I don't wanna be brought into it.
Yeah, figure it out. Look at this guy.
I've given you enough hints and tips here.
Like you gotta take it from there.
I don't think that's. Healthy case it might be.
It is what you meant and it's also how it was said.
Don't do it. Moving right along I-26.
Female accidentally really hurt my boyfriend. 26 males feelings.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years.
We are deeply in love and have a great relationship.
It's the most mature and communicate right?
Wow, can't even communicate about commutative.
The most mature and communitive relationship I've ever been in
and I couldn't be happier. I accidentally said something
stupid when I was out with him and our friends though, and I
have seriously hurt him. I don't know how to fix it or
how to help him understand what I really meant.
My friends and I were talking in general about dating, romance,
marriage, etc. And one of my friends was
telling us that all the women in her family have given her the
same advice about love. Don't marry the guy that you're
crazy about. The gist of this is that you
don't want to marry the guy who you're crazy about, who you
think about all the time, who you obsess over.
Don't marry that guy. The guy that excites you and
leaves you feeling nothing but passion.
I vehemently, I think I said that word right.
I vehemently agreed with that advice.
I said that I'd been in relationships with that crazy,
exciting sweep you off your feet the instant meet him guy, and
once the excitement and passion wears off, there's nothing much
there. I ended up in a very tumultuous
and dramatic relationship with not much substance.
Catching feelings so intensely also left me very hurt and
insecure. Things got sour when my
boyfriend and I got home. He asked me, don't I excite you.
He then told me that I was that person to him, except that
underneath the passion there was substance.
He asked me if I was just settling for him because I had
already had my adventures. He said to him this relationship
was a crazy adventure. I tried to explain myself again
but it didn't work and I need advice on what to do.
He is hands down the best relationship I've ever been in
and I want to marry him. I've told him both of those
things. Can you summarise that I got
stuck on the way that sounds like Vietnam and I'm trying to?
Figure out Vietnam. Vietnam Lee.
Vietnam, Vietnam. Vehemently, yeah.
So basically he overhears her talking to the girls about
dating and one of the girls says all the women in my family have
given me this advice. They say do not go for the
person that excites you the most, the person that you
obsessed over that that like sweeps you off your feet.
And she said that she, Vietnam only agreed with that.
And then when they got home, her boyfriend said that he's really
hurt because he said you are that person to me and we have
substance. You are the adventure.
And am I just someone you've settled with now because you've
already had your adventure? I see that.
I could see that hurt. I just think there's some things
that you don't need to say. Well, like, why did she have to
communicate that with him? Well, she didn't.
He heard her saying it. Ah, right.
So I think this is actually the best example of all these
stories of it's not what you meant, it's how you said it.
Because I don't think. I think what she's saying is is
really valid in that she's talking about past relationships
that were very intense and they left her very hurt.
And so obviously in future relationships, she's probably
not sought out that kind of intensity.
Unfortunately, the words that were used to describe it sound
like really good words, like excite me, couldn't stop
thinking about them, swept me off my feet.
There's lots of passion. And so if you're the partner and
you're hearing them say, oh, I would never be with someone like
that and then you realise but she's with me, you'd be like, so
I don't excite you, I don't sweep you off your feet.
There's not a lot of passion. What's going on here?
If I was her, I can imagine saying something like this and
not have at all meant that I didn't think you were exciting
and passionate and that I didn't feel those beautiful feelings.
But what I would be probably intent like in implying is
you're not this crazy intense relationship that I've had
before that has also been extremely toxic.
Yeah. And I actually know, you know,
of multiple scenarios with people that I've walked with
that have been in very intense relationships that are very,
very toxic. And the reason that they're
probably so intense, which can sometimes look like a positive
thing, is usually due to that toxicity.
And so I don't think it might. The words are the same.
Like intense, passionate, sweet. Me, Murphy.
I don't think the toxic version of that, I don't think actually,
is passion. I think it's actually toxicity.
Toxicity. Wow, can't say that toxic, you
know, I'm saying toxicity, toxicity, toxicity or control,
like manipulation, those things that look into, but they're.
Not, yeah. But I feel like, I don't know
head. I'm just picturing like these
people, they're going off playing a motorbike, you know, I
mean, it's just like they're just doing crazy things.
I think there's craziness and safe and I feel like there's a
lot of people they want safe and it's probably more what she's
meaning is. But I think the way that she
describes it is not that he's not fine, he's boring, all that
sort of stuff, but he's more safe.
Is that mean responsibility? I don't know like and and I
think that's probably good for her to draw out.
He's like, well, what is those differences?
Um, So what is she genuinely mean between those differences
of of crazy and safe? I think that's different things,
but you don't want to be the boring safeguard.
Too to hear that would be confronting.
I think through movies too, right?
The the girl always leaves the safe option for the crazy dude.
No other way around. No, no, no, no.
They no storyline is. Here she makes.
For the crazy guy. And then she ends up with the
safe guy at the end. There's always a problem and
it's the crazy guy. So my mother, that's your that's
that would be that scenario that you just said I'm thinking of.
Actually, that's the other way around.
Isn't he the crate? No.
No, because she's with the So. Yeah, Yeah, it's all right.
Yeah, her. Ex Husband that she ended up
with at the. End he hear me again guys hear
me again. So yeah, so she's goes to the
crazy guy, The other one with old mate and old love in New
York and Ashton Kutcher and Drew Barry.
No Cameron Diaz. Just married?
No. What's it called?
Just married? What happens in Vegas?
Perfect example, doesn't she? Is she meant to be with her?
Boring guy, your chick flick, not mine.
I don't really remember. I think I'm butchering it, but
they're crazy. Anyway, I feel like she was with
a boring guy that went back to him.
Let's just both agree about. Hollywood says that you should
leave the boring dude for the crazy dude.
Depends. I didn't know where else to go
with that because I'll start wrapped up.
In charge for the day and what? How to win a date in 10 days.
That's not it. Win a date with Tad Hamilton.
I haven't seen it you. Haven't seen Anyway the the
reality is no, it wouldn't sound nice to hear that about you and
be like also I'm the boring, safe person.
I'm passionate about you, but that doesn't sound that way in
that conversation. But the really good thing about
this situation is she knows she's heard him.
She knows how she's hurt him. And so now even though she's
saying she doesn't know how to have that conversation, she
knows what she's trying to portray.
And she even says in that last line, this is the the best
relationship I've ever been in. And so if she.
Can what makes it the best? Yeah, exactly.
Figure out what it is. It's making it the best, and
communicate that with him and apologise for the hurt and what
that implied to him. And the other element of it too
is. You know, doing that publicly
probably didn't feel great because he's probably like
everyone else in their heads putting these dots together too.
You're often your little story because you're telling your
story. You're not putting the dots
together about how you sound. Everyone else in the room is
probably like. Getting to me kind of sounds
like she is raving about him. You know, in a way she's like,
I've had all these crazy relationships and but at the end
of the day, what she, it sounds like what she's saying is like,
but this guy is so much better than those guys.
So in a way, she's still raving about.
Him. She just got to reword it.
This is the perfect example of it.
It's not what she meant. It's how she said it.
And I think that they absolutely have space to have that
conversation in a constructive way and even get raw about like
what it what her experiences were with those other guys and
why that was so toxic. So that he understands all you
don't want to be these guys. Yeah, you do not want to be
these characters in my story. Lesson of this story is say it
right. Say it right first time.
Easy So easy. And if you could see how much
editing I have to do, you would know, right?
We never say it right the first time.
I don't even say words right? Anyway, we never say it right
the first time. Don't put that in there.
My guys, that's the end. That's the end.
We do have one extra story for our Patreon ours slash, Spotify
fam that have signed up. So if you want to hear another
story in this theme, hop on over.
Otherwise we have a. Little baby.
With 2% on the iPad. So let's see how we go.
I just wanna state we got a comment on one of our posts and
I was holding a pen and paper and so I made the comments.
Why am I not trusted with the iPad?
Looky here. If he dropped it right now, it
would be. Who he's got the iPad and now.
He's got no iPad anymore. Alright, and thus we conclude
another chronicle at Honey. We need to chat, pray, hold fast
till our paths cross and on. And may your discourses be as
bountiful as a feast in the Great Hall, until we next summon
thee to this convivial conclave. Keep Thy words kind and Thy
hearts open. Bye.
Good chat.