Hello chatters, welcome welcome. Back guys, we.
Are doing one last Reddit story with you guys from our full
episode of mismatched emotional mental load.
I don't know what the title is going to be officially but
something in the mental load, emotional load mismatched area.
So diving right in to this Reddit story it is called.
I tried to explain mental load to my husband and it went very
poorly. My husband, 35 male and I32
female are in a huge fight. It all started yesterday
afternoon. He returned from the driving
range for about 3 hours. I had the baby and told me he
needed an hour to relax and watch TV because his weekend had
been so busy and he needed to regroup.
I felt like this was a bit unfair given I'd had the exact
same weekend plus additional parenting while he had been at
leisure time. For context, he gets a lot of
leisure time, at least every second weekend if not every
weekend. We both work full time.
He also travels a lot for work. I let it sit for a while,
carried on feeding the baby and then went to get her ready for
her bath. He came into her room and asked
me what was wrong. I asked him to please explain
without getting defensive. I really struggled to
communicate any perceived weakness to him because he takes
it very poorly and I end up apologising, but I tried.
I basically said I understand that you need a break sometimes,
but if I had gotten home from leisure time and immediately
asked for a break, I don't think that is fair.
I've had the same weekend as you, plus the additional mental
load I take on being a mother. Have you thought at all today
about what she has eaten, the timing of her feeds?
Prepared her two meals of solids, Washed up, packed snacks
for the outings we did included including researching healthy
snacks and shopping for them. Bought her water bottle and
known how much water she would have for the day.
Bought, washed and put away her clothes, selected, selected her
outfits for the day, put on sunscreen knowing the timing of
her naps let alone putting her down for them and getting her up
and dressed and the list goes on.
The he was extremely hurt by this.
He said he acknowledged it and because I'd asked him not to get
defensive he couldn't say anything.
So he he didn't talk to me for a couple of hours but did tend to
the baby and put her to bed. I pushed him to talk which was
my mistake. I felt this was just another
form of being defensive and I really don't do well with being
ignored. So he got into a big argument.
He says that I've been unfair and I don't realise all of the
mental load he does with the house, the dogs and other things
he does. I will note I specifically said
when expressing my feelings that this doesn't discount what he
does because there's a lot. He pulls his weight in other
areas. He feels I've called him a bad
dad and that this is inexcusable.
It devolved into a huge argument with both of us going to bed and
waking up still upset. I've apologised for not thinking
about how it would land with him.
He's very upset, partly at himself but also with me.
I'm completely sure the actual message of what I was trying to
communicate was completely lost in my delivery.
I already struggled to communicate because we get
defensive. I really regret trying to say or
explain anything. And guess what I'm asking is,
was I unfair? Is there a better way to get
this across? I am ready to give up and
apologise at this point to keep the peace.
I'm really sad that I couldn't explain myself right enough to
be understood by my partner. Yeah, this is.
So no, she wasn't wrong for bringing it up.
I think she was definitely in the right and she should bring
it up. I think there's a better way of
doing it. And it's just a deeper
understanding in this situation too, right?
So straight off the bat I'm like, oh man, that feeling of
being a bad dad is horrible. And, you know, I think there's a
lot of unknowns to this scenario from us, obviously.
But like, we have no idea what his relationship with his dub
was like, right? And that's a lot of dads coming
to like, in this place. They become a dad.
And their biggest fear is that they'll be like, they're that.
So that's where this could possibly have triggered a lot
for him. So it's like hit him.
Yeah. I think the situation was lost
in in that sort of stuff because what she's done, and I
completely understand. I completely agree with her.
Something needs to be done here, right?
So it's not fair that she had that whole mental load and
everything too. But it's discounted like he
said, what he does do and it's focused more.
She's focused majority on the baby, the kid, and that's where
it's gonna hit hard for him, right?
And he's like, like, as if I don't have mental load.
Like, you know, he made that clear.
Like I do stuff around the house, I do things with the
dogs, like there's a whole lot of stuff that he does do that
she doesn't have to think about. The fact that she brought up
about the the baby is a is a big thing there.
What I say is what I would say in this situation too, is this
is her mental load for the day. So his mental load that he
brought up was more generalised, right?
So dogs. So there's a daily dog thing
there might have had a day, the dogs for a walk and feed it,
right? That's it.
House stuff. Well, he didn't do that, that
that day he went out and had leisure time, right?
So what we encourage with Dad's group, what we encourage is
that, you know, we don't just, it's not like, so we encourage
dads like you need to look after yourself.
If you don't fill up your cup, you can't be a support at home,
right? But what we challenge here
though, is that can't be the detriment of mum actually
getting her quality time. So understanding what are her
needs, what are your needs and working together to address both
needs. Dad, you need to have loads of
time because you won't like, and I've experienced this where I
didn't go out and see people focus so much on being home and
stuff like that. I we got you out a lot when when
we first had Charlie and that was my priority was like you.
I haven't gone through what you've been through, but because
I wasn't looking after myself, my mental health dip, dip, dip,
dip, dip, and I just wasn't showing up at home the way that
I wanted to. So I think that's probably the
big thing here is just this understanding of like, both of
them are completely right. Because I think the guy should
have been more present at home when he came home from leisure
time. And I really do think that.
But this is such a common discussion, such a common fight,
I think, in relationships. I think caring for children gets
it gets very easily packaged into this all she cares for the
children or they care for the children, whatever.
It's caring for the children. But when you do break it down
like that list of things that she was saying, I was like, it
trips are triggering me because it is, it's like it's not just a
matter of, oh, you just give them some food and put them in
bed. Like it's, it's all the things
like when did when do they nap? How much have they eaten?
Can they have a bottle? When do I need to change a
nappy? Also, are they healthy?
Are they not healthy? And like it just, it just
expands, especially a younger, younger baby.
And she's breastfeeding too. So that's even her body is
physically being used as a tool for her baby.
It's her body doesn't even feel like her own.
And so, and she probably feels very like trapped because she
has to breastfeed and probably can't go out for a couple hours
to do something like that very easily.
And so it, I think it's very easy to look at the house stuff
and say, I look after the dogs and kind of compare that to you
look after the baby. Not the same thing even
remotely, not even remotely the same thing.
And I'm not saying that's what he's doing, but I feel like a
lot of I even I have, I have friends and other moms I've
observed who are like, well, it's my job to look after the
kids and the house. And they've literally proven
that the role of a mother is more than it's like a 60 hour
full time job a week. When you add up all the time as
if you were hiring someone for that, it's like 60 hours in a
week, which is wild. I don't even know if there are
60 hours in a week. I'm not going to do the math
right now, but it's 60 hours in the week.
And so you're, that's just looking after children.
And then on top of that to be looking after house, managing
whatever else is going on. That's huge.
And so it's very easy to minimise that into like, oh,
your roles will look after the kids.
Cool. If my job is to look after the
kids and your job is to work out of the house, then you come home
and have off time. So that then I have to be able
to come home and have off time, come home and have off time.
So there has to be like switch off.
Yeah. So if you're looking at it like
a job, the job has to have off time.
That's not, you can't call it a job if you're not going to have
time where you get to not be in charge and you get to switch off
and relax. So I think it's, it's a really
important conversation for every single couple that's going to
have children. It's so important that you
navigate that and you and you don't just like be like, yeah, I
know they say it's such a hard job.
It is such a hard job and you need to be clear on that.
I, I understand actually the coming home and being like, I'm
so tired from being busy, even though he was just playing golf
because I've been doing like the the musical that I'm in and
that's still work. It's literally work, but it's
also like enjoyment hobby time for me.
And I come home very tired from that.
So I can understand how you feel that way.
You come home, you're like, I'm tired, I need a rest, but you're
not taking into account what the other person may need in that
space as well. And that's The thing is like,
and that's right. And that's, and that's where you
agree on that. You discuss that like, So what
are your needs? What are my needs?
And you schedule that in. So you're making sure that both
needs are being met, right? And like, if that if this was a
different scenario, right where it's like, alright, this day is
your day to recover, then then she then, well, she doesn't
really not have a right because she's struggling you, she has a
right to share that. But that you, you've agreed on
that, right? Like, you know, that's, that's
the deal the next time she has a break and then dad takes it.
So I think with dad's group is like, so we have now started
organising for mums and dads to catch up like next near each
other. So dads have kids near each
other near like at a playground near a cafe and mums catch up at
the cafe without kids, just the mums catch up.
That's why because again, that's been the heart the part right is
like, well, they're breastfeeding.
They can't do that. Well, actually, no, they can.
So if they need to feed, the dad can come over, just drop that
off, cool feeding done. Pick the kid up, just go back to
the playground again. And so that's that's the other
part too. So again, there are things that
you can do to meet the needs of of both, both parents, you know,
or couples in general. There are things that you can
do. They're not the ideal.
Your life has changed. You're not single, you're not
kidless couple anymore. You can't just go out to
nightclub, you can't just go, you know, out to a cafe easily
like by yourself, especially mums in the in the breastfeeding
stage, so. Yeah, And you can't come home
from a busy weekend and be like, I need to relax.
Like, yeah, you, you both are out of your parents.
Yeah, like that life is different.
Yeah. General.
Yeah, parents. The role of a parent is just
much busier. Yeah, you're just busy.
That's it. For a very long season, you're
busy for good. Yeah, it's I mean, it's worth
it. It's amazing.
Having a family is amazing, but it is tiring.
It's a lot of work. It's a lot.
It's taxing. And that's where parents need to
be a a team on this and and look at how to each other's cups get
filled and and stuff like that and be intentional by about
that. The other thing too, is for a
lot of men as well, coming into dadhood is just the lack of
knowing. What do I do?
Here. Right.
And that's another thing that we're working towards equipping
dads on how, how can we like, you know, the toolkit
essentially to be a dad of how do you support mum better?
How do you support baby better? Just bring again, the invisible
stuff, because there's a lot of things that mums are learning in
those early days, right? And so dads have no clue because
it's like, well, it's not my body.
It's not, you know, I, I feel very helpless in this situation.
Yeah, so. So it's an education thing.
It's also, it's an opportunity to to help teach them and show
them and let them learn in that space as well.
Yeah, but. It's it's a lot of it's helping
couples learn and grow together. Yeah.
It's not dictate because The thing is every couple's needs
different. So it's not like this cookie
cutter dad. This is what your role is in
general. No, it's, it's getting the
couples together to share that journey to grow together.
Yeah, and I would just say I know it feels messy now because
this conversation exploded and and people were upset and there
wasn't like a good kind of closure on that.
But I don't actually hear this story and think, oh, you guys
are in a bad place. I actually hear and think you
sound constructive, even though that it was a tricky
conversation and didn't come out the way you wanted it to.
He sounds like he's reflecting on it.
He sounds like he was sharing his mental load.
You shared your mental load and yes, it was yucky, but this is
just means that you can come back to this conversation and
find a constructive way. You've had the conversation and
that's a huge. A lot of times it doesn't even
get had and it just comes out in residual bitterness or whatever
else is going on. So I don't, I don't feel
disheartened by this conversation.
Actually, I feel really encouraged because they've had
it. They've had it and he, he.
And she's growing in the way that she can have him in the
future. Yeah, you know, have those
conversations in the future, which is awesome.
Yeah. And it sounds like it's actually
impacted him, even if it's not in a in a pleasant way.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, there we go. Yeah, fixed it.
That was a good one. Cool.
Well, thanks for being with us, guys.
Thanks chatters. We'll chat to you soon.
Chat to you later.