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Hello chatters, welcome welcome.
Back guys, we. 

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Are doing one last Reddit story 
with you guys from our full 

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episode of mismatched emotional 
mental load. 

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I don't know what the title is 
going to be officially but 

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something in the mental load, 
emotional load mismatched area. 

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So diving right in to this 
Reddit story it is called. 

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I tried to explain mental load 
to my husband and it went very 

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poorly. 
My husband, 35 male and I32 

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female are in a huge fight. 
It all started yesterday 

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afternoon. 
He returned from the driving 

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range for about 3 hours. 
I had the baby and told me he 

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needed an hour to relax and 
watch TV because his weekend had

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been so busy and he needed to 
regroup. 

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I felt like this was a bit 
unfair given I'd had the exact 

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same weekend plus additional 
parenting while he had been at 

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leisure time. 
For context, he gets a lot of 

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leisure time, at least every 
second weekend if not every 

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weekend. 
We both work full time. 

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He also travels a lot for work. 
I let it sit for a while, 

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carried on feeding the baby and 
then went to get her ready for 

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her bath. 
He came into her room and asked 

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me what was wrong. 
I asked him to please explain 

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without getting defensive. 
I really struggled to 

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communicate any perceived 
weakness to him because he takes

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it very poorly and I end up 
apologising, but I tried. 

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I basically said I understand 
that you need a break sometimes,

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but if I had gotten home from 
leisure time and immediately 

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asked for a break, I don't think
that is fair. 

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I've had the same weekend as 
you, plus the additional mental 

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load I take on being a mother. 
Have you thought at all today 

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about what she has eaten, the 
timing of her feeds? 

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Prepared her two meals of 
solids, Washed up, packed snacks

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for the outings we did included 
including researching healthy 

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snacks and shopping for them. 
Bought her water bottle and 

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known how much water she would 
have for the day. 

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Bought, washed and put away her 
clothes, selected, selected her 

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outfits for the day, put on 
sunscreen knowing the timing of 

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her naps let alone putting her 
down for them and getting her up

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and dressed and the list goes 
on. 

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The he was extremely hurt by 
this. 

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He said he acknowledged it and 
because I'd asked him not to get

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defensive he couldn't say 
anything. 

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So he he didn't talk to me for a
couple of hours but did tend to 

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the baby and put her to bed. 
I pushed him to talk which was 

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my mistake. 
I felt this was just another 

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form of being defensive and I 
really don't do well with being 

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ignored. 
So he got into a big argument. 

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He says that I've been unfair 
and I don't realise all of the 

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mental load he does with the 
house, the dogs and other things

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he does. 
I will note I specifically said 

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when expressing my feelings that
this doesn't discount what he 

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does because there's a lot. 
He pulls his weight in other 

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areas. 
He feels I've called him a bad 

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dad and that this is 
inexcusable. 

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It devolved into a huge argument
with both of us going to bed and

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waking up still upset. 
I've apologised for not thinking

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about how it would land with 
him. 

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He's very upset, partly at 
himself but also with me. 

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I'm completely sure the actual 
message of what I was trying to 

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communicate was completely lost 
in my delivery. 

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I already struggled to 
communicate because we get 

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defensive. 
I really regret trying to say or

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explain anything. 
And guess what I'm asking is, 

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was I unfair? 
Is there a better way to get 

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this across? 
I am ready to give up and 

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apologise at this point to keep 
the peace. 

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I'm really sad that I couldn't 
explain myself right enough to 

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be understood by my partner. 
Yeah, this is. 

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So no, she wasn't wrong for 
bringing it up. 

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I think she was definitely in 
the right and she should bring 

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it up. 
I think there's a better way of 

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doing it. 
And it's just a deeper 

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understanding in this situation 
too, right? 

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So straight off the bat I'm 
like, oh man, that feeling of 

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being a bad dad is horrible. 
And, you know, I think there's a

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lot of unknowns to this scenario
from us, obviously. 

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But like, we have no idea what 
his relationship with his dub 

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was like, right? 
And that's a lot of dads coming 

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to like, in this place. 
They become a dad. 

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And their biggest fear is that 
they'll be like, they're that. 

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So that's where this could 
possibly have triggered a lot 

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for him. 
So it's like hit him. 

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Yeah. 
I think the situation was lost 

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in in that sort of stuff because
what she's done, and I 

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completely understand. 
I completely agree with her. 

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Something needs to be done here,
right? 

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So it's not fair that she had 
that whole mental load and 

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everything too. 
But it's discounted like he 

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said, what he does do and it's 
focused more. 

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She's focused majority on the 
baby, the kid, and that's where 

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it's gonna hit hard for him, 
right? 

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And he's like, like, as if I 
don't have mental load. 

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Like, you know, he made that 
clear. 

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Like I do stuff around the 
house, I do things with the 

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dogs, like there's a whole lot 
of stuff that he does do that 

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she doesn't have to think about.
The fact that she brought up 

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about the the baby is a is a big
thing there. 

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What I say is what I would say 
in this situation too, is this 

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is her mental load for the day. 
So his mental load that he 

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brought up was more generalised,
right? 

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So dogs. 
So there's a daily dog thing 

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there might have had a day, the 
dogs for a walk and feed it, 

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right? 
That's it. 

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House stuff. 
Well, he didn't do that, that 

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that day he went out and had 
leisure time, right? 

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So what we encourage with Dad's 
group, what we encourage is 

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that, you know, we don't just, 
it's not like, so we encourage 

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dads like you need to look after
yourself. 

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If you don't fill up your cup, 
you can't be a support at home, 

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right? 
But what we challenge here 

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though, is that can't be the 
detriment of mum actually 

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getting her quality time. 
So understanding what are her 

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needs, what are your needs and 
working together to address both

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needs. 
Dad, you need to have loads of 

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time because you won't like, and
I've experienced this where I 

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didn't go out and see people 
focus so much on being home and 

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stuff like that. 
I we got you out a lot when when

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we first had Charlie and that 
was my priority was like you. 

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I haven't gone through what 
you've been through, but because

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I wasn't looking after myself, 
my mental health dip, dip, dip, 

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dip, dip, and I just wasn't 
showing up at home the way that 

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I wanted to. 
So I think that's probably the 

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big thing here is just this 
understanding of like, both of 

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them are completely right. 
Because I think the guy should 

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have been more present at home 
when he came home from leisure 

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time. 
And I really do think that. 

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But this is such a common 
discussion, such a common fight,

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I think, in relationships. 
I think caring for children gets

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it gets very easily packaged 
into this all she cares for the 

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children or they care for the 
children, whatever. 

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It's caring for the children. 
But when you do break it down 

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like that list of things that 
she was saying, I was like, it 

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trips are triggering me because 
it is, it's like it's not just a

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matter of, oh, you just give 
them some food and put them in 

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bed. 
Like it's, it's all the things 

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like when did when do they nap? 
How much have they eaten? 

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Can they have a bottle? 
When do I need to change a 

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nappy? 
Also, are they healthy? 

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Are they not healthy? 
And like it just, it just 

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expands, especially a younger, 
younger baby. 

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And she's breastfeeding too. 
So that's even her body is 

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physically being used as a tool 
for her baby. 

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It's her body doesn't even feel 
like her own. 

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And so, and she probably feels 
very like trapped because she 

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has to breastfeed and probably 
can't go out for a couple hours 

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to do something like that very 
easily. 

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And so it, I think it's very 
easy to look at the house stuff 

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and say, I look after the dogs 
and kind of compare that to you 

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look after the baby. 
Not the same thing even 

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remotely, not even remotely the 
same thing. 

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And I'm not saying that's what 
he's doing, but I feel like a 

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lot of I even I have, I have 
friends and other moms I've 

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observed who are like, well, 
it's my job to look after the 

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kids and the house. 
And they've literally proven 

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that the role of a mother is 
more than it's like a 60 hour 

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full time job a week. 
When you add up all the time as 

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if you were hiring someone for 
that, it's like 60 hours in a 

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week, which is wild. 
I don't even know if there are 

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60 hours in a week. 
I'm not going to do the math 

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right now, but it's 60 hours in 
the week. 

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And so you're, that's just 
looking after children. 

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And then on top of that to be 
looking after house, managing 

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whatever else is going on. 
That's huge. 

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And so it's very easy to 
minimise that into like, oh, 

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your roles will look after the 
kids. 

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Cool. 
If my job is to look after the 

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kids and your job is to work out
of the house, then you come home

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and have off time. 
So that then I have to be able 

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to come home and have off time, 
come home and have off time. 

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So there has to be like switch 
off. 

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Yeah. 
So if you're looking at it like 

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a job, the job has to have off 
time. 

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That's not, you can't call it a 
job if you're not going to have 

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time where you get to not be in 
charge and you get to switch off

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and relax. 
So I think it's, it's a really 

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important conversation for every
single couple that's going to 

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have children. 
It's so important that you 

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navigate that and you and you 
don't just like be like, yeah, I

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know they say it's such a hard 
job. 

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It is such a hard job and you 
need to be clear on that. 

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I, I understand actually the 
coming home and being like, I'm 

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so tired from being busy, even 
though he was just playing golf 

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because I've been doing like the
the musical that I'm in and 

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that's still work. 
It's literally work, but it's 

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also like enjoyment hobby time 
for me. 

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And I come home very tired from 
that. 

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So I can understand how you feel
that way. 

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You come home, you're like, I'm 
tired, I need a rest, but you're

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not taking into account what the
other person may need in that 

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space as well. 
And that's The thing is like, 

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and that's right. 
And that's, and that's where you

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agree on that. 
You discuss that like, So what 

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are your needs? 
What are my needs? 

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And you schedule that in. 
So you're making sure that both 

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needs are being met, right? 
And like, if that if this was a 

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different scenario, right where 
it's like, alright, this day is 

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your day to recover, then then 
she then, well, she doesn't 

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really not have a right because 
she's struggling you, she has a 

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right to share that. 
But that you, you've agreed on 

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that, right? 
Like, you know, that's, that's 

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the deal the next time she has a
break and then dad takes it. 

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So I think with dad's group is 
like, so we have now started 

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organising for mums and dads to 
catch up like next near each 

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other. 
So dads have kids near each 

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other near like at a playground 
near a cafe and mums catch up at

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the cafe without kids, just the 
mums catch up. 

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That's why because again, that's
been the heart the part right is

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like, well, they're 
breastfeeding. 

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They can't do that. 
Well, actually, no, they can. 

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So if they need to feed, the dad
can come over, just drop that 

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off, cool feeding done. 
Pick the kid up, just go back to

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the playground again. 
And so that's that's the other 

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part too. 
So again, there are things that 

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you can do to meet the needs of 
of both, both parents, you know,

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or couples in general. 
There are things that you can 

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do. 
They're not the ideal. 

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Your life has changed. 
You're not single, you're not 

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kidless couple anymore. 
You can't just go out to 

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nightclub, you can't just go, 
you know, out to a cafe easily 

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like by yourself, especially 
mums in the in the breastfeeding

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stage, so. 
Yeah, And you can't come home 

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from a busy weekend and be like,
I need to relax. 

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Like, yeah, you, you both are 
out of your parents. 

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Yeah, like that life is 
different. 

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Yeah. 
General. 

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Yeah, parents. 
The role of a parent is just 

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much busier. 
Yeah, you're just busy. 

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That's it. 
For a very long season, you're 

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busy for good. 
Yeah, it's I mean, it's worth 

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it. 
It's amazing. 

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Having a family is amazing, but 
it is tiring. 

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It's a lot of work. 
It's a lot. 

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It's taxing. 
And that's where parents need to

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be a a team on this and and look
at how to each other's cups get 

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filled and and stuff like that 
and be intentional by about 

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that. 
The other thing too, is for a 

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lot of men as well, coming into 
dadhood is just the lack of 

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knowing. 
What do I do? 

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Here. 
Right. 

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And that's another thing that 
we're working towards equipping 

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dads on how, how can we like, 
you know, the toolkit 

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essentially to be a dad of how 
do you support mum better? 

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How do you support baby better? 
Just bring again, the invisible 

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stuff, because there's a lot of 
things that mums are learning in

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those early days, right? 
And so dads have no clue because

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it's like, well, it's not my 
body. 

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00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,480
It's not, you know, I, I feel 
very helpless in this situation.

248
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Yeah, so. 
So it's an education thing. 

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It's also, it's an opportunity 
to to help teach them and show 

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them and let them learn in that 
space as well. 

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Yeah, but. 
It's it's a lot of it's helping 

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couples learn and grow together.
Yeah. 

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It's not dictate because The 
thing is every couple's needs 

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different. 
So it's not like this cookie 

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00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,640
cutter dad. 
This is what your role is in 

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00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,160
general. 
No, it's, it's getting the 

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couples together to share that 
journey to grow together. 

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00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,160
Yeah, and I would just say I 
know it feels messy now because 

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this conversation exploded and 
and people were upset and there 

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00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,320
wasn't like a good kind of 
closure on that. 

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00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,040
But I don't actually hear this 
story and think, oh, you guys 

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00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:52,880
are in a bad place. 
I actually hear and think you 

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00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,480
sound constructive, even though 
that it was a tricky 

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00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,720
conversation and didn't come out
the way you wanted it to. 

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00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,360
He sounds like he's reflecting 
on it. 

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He sounds like he was sharing 
his mental load. 

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00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,320
You shared your mental load and 
yes, it was yucky, but this is 

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just means that you can come 
back to this conversation and 

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find a constructive way. 
You've had the conversation and 

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that's a huge. 
A lot of times it doesn't even 

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get had and it just comes out in
residual bitterness or whatever 

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00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,880
else is going on. 
So I don't, I don't feel 

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disheartened by this 
conversation. 

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00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,600
Actually, I feel really 
encouraged because they've had 

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it. 
They've had it and he, he. 

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00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,600
And she's growing in the way 
that she can have him in the 

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future. 
Yeah, you know, have those 

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00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,600
conversations in the future, 
which is awesome. 

279
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,000
Yeah. 
And it sounds like it's actually

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impacted him, even if it's not 
in a in a pleasant way. 

281
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:40,240
Yeah. 
Yeah, yeah. 

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So, yeah, there we go. 
Yeah, fixed it. 

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00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:43,360
That was a good one. 
Cool. 

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00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,840
Well, thanks for being with us, 
guys. 

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00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,960
Thanks chatters. 
We'll chat to you soon. 

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Chat to you later.