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If I was to act like you do in 
the morning, get ready for my 

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day, I would have a shower. 
I would pick my clothes, put 

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deodorant on and perfume on and 
walk out of our bedroom and be 

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ready. 
But Amy that has just had a 

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shower and done those things, 
that would be frizzy hair. 

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That would be hair in a slicked 
up, wet, messy bun. 

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Yeah, That would be Amy that 
gets told she's tired all day 

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because she doesn't have makeup 
on. 

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And that's the days of people 
tell you you're tired because 

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you don't have makeup on. 
Yeah. 

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So it is what it is. 
It's a it's a pain point for me.

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But in saying all that, he has 
no idea. 

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Welcome back to another Honey We
need to Chat episode. 

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Yes, we are podcast all about 
communication. 

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We believe that when 
communication dies, bad things 

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happen. 
And so our heart is to chat and 

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chat through things that you 
might experience in your 

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relationship and things that we 
absolutely have. 

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So welcome. 
Thank you for joining us. 

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We have Bonnie with us again 
tonight. 

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You can kind of see. 
Say hi, Bunny. 

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We come. 
Here, good girl. 

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Not don't climb. 
She's gonna cry. 

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Me. 
I'm sorry. 

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I just confused you. 
Go lie down. 

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No, No, no, no, no. 
That's my tea. 

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Yeah, let me show you affection 
for once. 

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He got confused. 
Yeah, so you stay with me. 

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This is a Reddit story week and 
we are diving into the topic of 

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insecurities, so buckle up. 
But before we do that, we're 

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going to break some ice. 
Break it, we're gonna do a red. 

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Cha cha cha cha button. 
She gonna help him. 

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Alright, so the first brain 
Buster is how has our 

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relationship changed to you? 
Oh my gosh. 

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In so many ways it's changed my 
sense of confidence, it's 

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changed my boundaries, my 
ability to put boundaries in 

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place, my ability to try new 
things. 

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I eat semi spicy food sometimes 
now. 

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Well done so. 
Proud change. 

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You kind of be kind of eat 
jalapenos. 

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Now kind of eat, yeah, depends 
on where and when, but yes, it 

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does happen and never happened 
before. 

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So that's one big thing. 
What about you? 

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Yeah, that's a big one. 
I think a lot has changed. 

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I think it's helped me to not be
so self centred. 

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Do you think of someone else? 
Is is always a a good change to 

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do it in a way of teamwork, 
which is awesome. 

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Again, obviously everything that
comes with knowing you too, 

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without kids and all that sort 
of stuff, that's a whole other 

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level. 
Is there something you want to 

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say? 
She just has the biggest smile 

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on. 
Her face, yeah. 

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There's something that you want 
to say? 

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Yeah, I think I really want to 
think about this. 

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What's changed for me, I think 
there's a level of like, yes, 

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teamwork, but also reliance. 
Like I'm actually relying on 

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someone now. 
I think before I was quite 

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independent. 
Do we need it? 

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Do you guys think the moment? 
Funny. 

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Daddy's being serious. 
She put white fur all over me. 

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Go lay down, bun, go lay down. 
Yeah, so there's a whole other 

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level of reliance, like some a 
lot more reliance on you, which 

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I think before I was quite 
independent. 

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I feel like I'm a lot more 
curious now, even though I'm not

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as curious as you. 
I'm definitely a lot more 

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curious. 
I have a lot more safety. 

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I would say I feel a lot more 
secure and safe and who I am. 

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Yeah, there's some big ones. 
Yeah, I'd agree with some of 

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those from me as well. 
You're not eating that. 

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No, no, you're not even that. 
What do you think is the key to 

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our lasting happiness? 
Communication. 

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Communicate, Yeah. 
What is happening? 

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The mic thing out. 
What is happening? 

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Bunny? 
You gotta lie down. 

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Hello. 
Hello. 

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Stay, stay, stay. 
Well, that was nearly a hiccup. 

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00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,380
Cheers knocked the Mike thing 
out again, but this time we 

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heard. 
Mic. 

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Check the mic. 
Fixed. 

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Hopefully it works it I do have 
an answer to that question, by 

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the way, which was what do you 
think is the key to our 

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happiness? 
Yeah, I controversial opinion, I

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don't actually think that 
happiness is something to chase.

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And I hear a lot of people say 
like their goal is to be happy 

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and I I get it cause happiness 
is obviously a beautiful 

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experience. 
Hmm. 

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But I don't think happiness is a
constant. 

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I think happiness is the same as
excitement. 

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Hmm. 
And there's a whole bunch of 

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more important foundational 
emotions that I would chase over

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that like joy, which maybe some 
people think is like excitement 

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too. 
But in my opinion it could be 

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like a long lasting consistent 
happiness. 

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I think when you chase 
happiness, you can end up 

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chasing things that cover up 
what's going on. 

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Yeah. 
And, and feeling like when it's 

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not happy, things aren't going 
well. 

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So if you go through a hard 
thing, it's not just all we're 

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going through a hard thing 
together, but we're weathering 

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00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,560
it's, it's like almost like 
you're failing because you're 

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chasing happiness. 
So that's a bit of a different 

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answer to that question, but I 
don't really think that 

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happiness is something that I 
pursue, whether there's any key 

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to our was it eternal happiness 
or something? 

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Yeah, lasting happiness. 
Lasting happiness something, 

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yeah. 
But communication is a good 

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step. 
Yeah, do it. 

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Do you have any answer? 
I'm doing the same as yours, 

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stealing it. 
Copycat from Ballarat. 

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Cool. 
Alright, well, let's dive right 

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in. 
Yep, honey, we need to chat. 

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So on the topic of insecurities,
and in our last full episode 

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actually dived a little bit into
insecurities, which was not 

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planned necessarily, but we 
talked a little bit about how 

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we've navigated that slash how 
we are navigating that because 

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of various different things, but
mostly you knowing how to help 

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me navigate how to talk about 
it. 

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Like I've got a buddy. 
Hate me? 

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Navigate how you navigate. 
So we navigate how? 

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You. 
Do you remember that song? 

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I see. 
Wait, what is it? 

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I see you watching me. 
Watching you. 

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Yeah. 
Tells how old we are. 

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Yep. 
Anyway, so this is a deeper dive

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into the world of insecurities, 
and I would say that everybody 

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has insecurities and everybody 
would experience some form of 

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this. 
So hopefully it's a helpful 

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discussion. 
Hmm, let's get it. 

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OK first story, I 28 male feel 
inferior to my girlfriend 28 

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female. 
Not sure how to start this. 

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I'm not sure if it's coming from
a place of insecurity or 

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something similar but I feel 
like a lot of times during our 

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relationship I can't relate to 
her because we are so different.

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We've been together for 1 1/2 
years. 

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She's the one who is brought up 
in a how you say more cultured 

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upbringing. 
She knows many things that I 

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just have no idea about coming 
from a less fortunate family. 

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I never got to experience a 
things growing up that she has. 

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I feel like a majority of the 
time if she brings something up 

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that I don't know I have to 
basically lie and agree. 

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Of course I know about that lest
I get weird looks from her. 

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And how could you not know about
this? 

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It's common knowledge this can 
range from some random fun facts

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that I guarantee no one has ever
heard of to pop culture 

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references. 
Sorry I don't know celebrities. 

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It gets tiring. 
It doesn't help the fact that 

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she is more educated than I am 
as she is a doctor and will be 

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earning essentially triple my 
salary. 

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It all feeds into the insecurity
complex. 

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At times I feel dumb, not 
understood, or simply seen as a 

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child because she seems much 
further ahead as an adult than I

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am. 
I'm constantly scared that 

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she'll just meet one as apt as 
her with a with a connection and

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it'll just be over. 
As in, why am I even putting 

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effort into this relationship 
when I know it's probably doomed

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in the future? 
Doesn't help that the divorce 

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rate in America is like 50%. 
We probably never had a chance. 

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Can anyone relate to this? 
Advice on how to go through this

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would be appreciated. 
I can see how those stats could 

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actually spark in security and 
people, you know, but I think as

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well at the same time, and for 
me, it sparks the importance of 

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what we're doing right? 
Like it's in it's barking the 

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importance of, you know, so if 
you're if you're about to get 

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married or if you're in a new 
relationship or a long lasting 

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relationship, like I think it's 
still so vital to have this 

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training to have this investment
into your relationship because 

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you can't really go into it half
hearted because it's so it's so 

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like literally you have 5050 
chance, you know, I mean, yeah. 

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I'd love to know the actual like
most recent kind of stats. 

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I don't know because people 
always say 50%, but I don't know

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that that's the actual number or
not. 

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I am not. 
I wouldn't be surprised if it 

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was, but also I, I had a moment 
before we got married where I 

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was really. 
I don't know why I just all of a

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sudden impacted by the idea that
like so many people get divorced

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and both of our families, both 
of our parents marriages had 

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ended or were ending and I just 
was like super freaked out by 

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that. 
But I think something that 

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stands out as it's not like 50% 
will get divorced because it's 

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kind of it's not the same as 
like a medical stat that's like 

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40% of people will have this, 
It's 50% of people get divorced.

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But that's a situational step 
that you can be a part of 

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changing. 
Yeah. 

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So it's it's actually, yeah, 
it's not something to be too 

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scared of. 
But it does sound, I can totally

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understand how if you're already
feeling insecure as well, that 

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kind of a start hanging over you
would just be like, what's even 

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the point? 
But obviously his insecurities 

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are the bigger thing hanging 
over him in this. 

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00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:54,210
I think this story sounds hard 
and I can relate in some way. 

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Like not in this exact scenario 
because I didn't marry someone 

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more cultured than me. 
Which time? 

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00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:06,050
OK, but you know, there's always
things when you come into 

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00:10:06,060 --> 00:10:08,750
relationship that your partner 
is going to do better than you 

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00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:10,950
or be more like comfortable 
with. 

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00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:15,390
Have been raised in and there 
are so many things that I have 

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00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,400
watched either you or like 
people that are significant to 

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00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:23,990
me do with confidence that I 
just never had because of how my

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00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,030
life was growing up. 
And everybody has that. 

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00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,830
Like everybody has a different 
way of growing up. 

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00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:34,230
So I can relate to the feeling 
and I feel like it's not that 

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00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,390
uncommon, but I also don't think
it's a make or break thing. 

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00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:43,410
I don't think either side of a 
relationship is ever the best. 

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00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:45,870
Like it's not like you're he 
would have things that he is 

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00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,900
more confident in. 
He would have things that he's 

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00:10:47,910 --> 00:10:50,700
bringing from his family 
upbringing that probably if you 

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00:10:50,710 --> 00:10:53,990
looked at them neutrally would 
look stronger or would look more

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00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,790
encouraging or whatever it might
be. 

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00:10:55,980 --> 00:10:59,730
And so I think it's, it's 
probably a mismatch of the 

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00:10:59,740 --> 00:11:01,760
weight, I guess, or the value 
put on things. 

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00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,790
But when you are really educated
or when you're in like 

212
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,530
interacting with really educated
people, I think it's very easy 

213
00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:12,320
to feel just confused or just 
overwhelmed. 

214
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,730
Like you said, he has to pretend
like he knows what's going on. 

215
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,010
But I think that's a sad, that's
the thing that stood out to me 

216
00:11:17,020 --> 00:11:18,090
the most. 
That was one of the saddest 

217
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:20,070
parts, that he's pretending to 
get it. 

218
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,180
Does it mention about how long 
they've been together? 

219
00:11:22,190 --> 00:11:24,880
Only 1 1/2 years. 
Going back to when our ice 

220
00:11:24,890 --> 00:11:27,230
breaker question like from the 
chat jar, it's like what has 

221
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,870
changed about me or whatever 
else? 

222
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,910
And again, we, we listed some 
stuff and I think it's from my, 

223
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:35,270
from hearing what you were just 
saying. 

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00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:38,910
Then in my head, I'm like, oh, 
he's, he's focused too much on 

225
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:42,230
himself as an individual and not
what he brings to the party, 

226
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,490
right. 
So again, you know, for you and 

227
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:48,350
I, we are complete opposites. 
We, we are sobs in, in many 

228
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,830
ways. 
But then when we focus on who we

229
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:54,650
are as an individual and, and 
the strengths that we have, 

230
00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:58,690
because we're so opposite man, 
we, we really work well together

231
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:02,390
and we bring so much more to 
whatever situation where 

232
00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:04,860
dressing because our strengths 
are so different. 

233
00:12:04,870 --> 00:12:07,600
Yeah, the thing that's a big 
thing too is, is he's focusing 

234
00:12:07,610 --> 00:12:10,260
so much on what he isn't. 
He's not actually focusing on 

235
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:13,060
much of what he is and what he 
does bring. 

236
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:16,700
I, I do understand that. 
Like, I there's, I mean, you're 

237
00:12:16,710 --> 00:12:19,520
always tell me what words mean. 
Like seriously like I have no 

238
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:23,780
clue what half the words in the 
English for cupboard fuck up 

239
00:12:23,790 --> 00:12:28,140
there meme account. 
Harry is a word for. 

240
00:12:28,150 --> 00:12:31,060
Whatever I'm. 
Glad you didn't make me actually

241
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:33,990
excellent smarts, but smart 
smart. 

242
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,000
Smart. 
But yeah, in this is too much 

243
00:12:37,010 --> 00:12:40,450
about what she is and what she 
is and what he isn't. 

244
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,670
I think what we need to do to 
strengthen our relationship as a

245
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,570
couple is to identify the 
strengths that we bring to that 

246
00:12:46,580 --> 00:12:48,230
relationship. 
Yeah. 

247
00:12:48,340 --> 00:12:51,710
And it I'd be curious to know 
because sometimes you would be 

248
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,650
in this situation, they're 
dating, they've been together 

249
00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:56,850
for a year and a half. 
Sometimes you will be in a 

250
00:12:56,860 --> 00:13:01,490
partnership with someone who 
doesn't come to the table with 

251
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:03,890
that. 
So he may be able to do that and

252
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,210
potentially she will be like, 
oh, you don't know this stuff, 

253
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,860
OK. 
And that's on her. 

254
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:09,360
And that's horrible if that's 
the case. 

255
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:14,810
But like, setting that aside, 
when you're able to communicate 

256
00:13:14,820 --> 00:13:18,890
about what you're like, worried 
about, like, he seems so doom 

257
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:20,750
and gloom at the end of this. 
Like, what's even the point of 

258
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,370
us being together? 
She's gonna meet someone else. 

259
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:25,760
He's got a lot of insecurities 
building on each other. 

260
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:29,600
It sounds to me like it's not 
something he's told her because 

261
00:13:29,610 --> 00:13:32,760
he says he has to pretend what 
like that he understands what 

262
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,140
she's saying. 
So I. 

263
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:38,160
Feel itself shows insecurity. 
Doesn't feel he doesn't feel 

264
00:13:38,170 --> 00:13:41,460
safe that he can do that or his 
insecurities are taking over. 

265
00:13:41,730 --> 00:13:43,220
That's in that. 
Either way, that's safety. 

266
00:13:43,230 --> 00:13:44,920
That's either safety from her 
or. 

267
00:13:44,930 --> 00:13:46,320
Safety from safety. 
Yeah. 

268
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:49,610
And he does say that he has to 
pretend or he'll get weird looks

269
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:52,200
from her or a comment like, how 
could you not know what that is?

270
00:13:52,210 --> 00:13:55,580
It's common knowledge, which 
that is like that's something 

271
00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:56,950
else to deal with if that's the 
case. 

272
00:13:57,650 --> 00:14:00,380
But setting aside her character 
because we just don't know what 

273
00:14:00,390 --> 00:14:04,510
it's like, I think, yeah, coming
to coming to a place of honesty 

274
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,460
with your partner about even 
even these insecurities and be 

275
00:14:07,470 --> 00:14:10,180
like, I really struggle to keep 
up with your conversations. 

276
00:14:10,190 --> 00:14:14,350
I don't get them. 
I'm not a doctor but also I just

277
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,570
heard not a doctor. 
What is? 

278
00:14:16,580 --> 00:14:19,450
Premier line from you on Not a 
Doctor but also. 

279
00:14:19,460 --> 00:14:22,110
The end of it TV show. 
Which TV show was? 

280
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,820
It, I don't know, but I think 
it's like Parks and Rec or 

281
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:27,310
something, or maybe Brooklyn 99.
Anyway, she knows he's not a 

282
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,810
doctor. 
She knows who he is other than 

283
00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:33,180
the the face he's putting on to 
understand these things that he 

284
00:14:33,190 --> 00:14:35,310
doesn't understand. 
She knows him and she's dating 

285
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:40,170
him, so for him to think he's 
going to fool her into thinking 

286
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:44,400
he's something he's not as kind 
of silly, especially long term, 

287
00:14:44,410 --> 00:14:45,570
that's not going to work long 
term. 

288
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,690
And she probably, if she knows 
who he is, she probably doesn't 

289
00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:52,260
care about those things and 
hopefully doesn't care about 

290
00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:55,290
those things. 
And like you, one thing that's 

291
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:58,330
changed hugely in you is, like 
you said, your vocabulary when 

292
00:14:58,340 --> 00:15:01,240
you started, when we were 
together, you had just started 

293
00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:06,510
kind of moving out of moving 
more into kind of academic work.

294
00:15:06,580 --> 00:15:09,490
And you actually went to Bible 
college for a time. 

295
00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:12,270
And before you went to Bible 
college, you'd never written an 

296
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:13,930
essay. 
You'd hardly read books. 

297
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:18,440
There was a lot of words and, 
and the use of English that just

298
00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:21,130
was confusing to you. 
But you learned that and you 

299
00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:23,950
were super intentional. 
He did not let it set him like 

300
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,920
back. 
It was just super intentional. 

301
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,880
He like sought out a friend that
was an English teacher to help. 

302
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,660
He would like talk to me about 
it. 

303
00:15:30,670 --> 00:15:33,080
When he was writing his essays, 
he talked to people around him 

304
00:15:33,150 --> 00:15:36,900
and you learned those things. 
And that's grown hugely. 

305
00:15:36,910 --> 00:15:38,960
Even in that year it grew 
hugely. 

306
00:15:39,050 --> 00:15:40,960
And since then it's continued to
grow. 

307
00:15:41,210 --> 00:15:43,740
So just because he doesn't know 
these things doesn't mean he 

308
00:15:43,750 --> 00:15:44,640
can't. 
Yeah. 

309
00:15:44,650 --> 00:15:47,460
And I think that's quite good 
too, because it's also showing 

310
00:15:47,550 --> 00:15:50,840
if he is wanting, if he's got 
that desire to be able to speak 

311
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:53,600
at that level, like do something
about it at the same time. 

312
00:15:53,990 --> 00:15:56,570
Learn those things, show an 
interest in those things, don't 

313
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,110
you? 
Shut down, let that show your 

314
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:02,810
wave from from that, you know? 
Yeah, I think that's a big thing

315
00:16:02,820 --> 00:16:05,530
too. 
I think the thing also that we 

316
00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:08,070
just need to be aware of too, is
this is an episode on 

317
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,430
insecurities. 
As we mentioned in the Hard 

318
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:15,220
Conversations episode, 
insecurities don't necessarily 

319
00:16:15,270 --> 00:16:17,750
receive facts very well. 
Yeah. 

320
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,940
So we've just spouted a bunch of
stuff like this logic or facts, 

321
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,660
but he may not be in the place 
to hear those kinds of things 

322
00:16:23,670 --> 00:16:26,160
anyway. 
And so one thing that we did in 

323
00:16:26,170 --> 00:16:29,350
New Zealand, which was part of 
the process while we were there,

324
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,320
was to kind of step through our 
story and highlight things that 

325
00:16:32,330 --> 00:16:34,380
have stood out to us and then 
how they made us feel. 

326
00:16:34,430 --> 00:16:38,960
And there's so many things that 
could be impacting someone with 

327
00:16:38,970 --> 00:16:40,900
insecurities like this. 
But I think one thing that I 

328
00:16:40,910 --> 00:16:44,790
would, if he wants to work on 
the insecurity side of it rather

329
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,290
than just kind of band aiding 
it, is one thing I'd suggest is 

330
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:53,580
to just reflect on your story 
and look at either the way the 

331
00:16:53,590 --> 00:16:55,990
things that impacted you that 
we're kind of concerned through 

332
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,480
your life or even the comments. 
One of the things they got us to

333
00:16:58,490 --> 00:17:01,170
do was go through our lifetime 
line and write down criticisms 

334
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:03,280
that have stood out to us. 
And there's a few criticisms 

335
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:06,400
that just came from various 
different people that didn't 

336
00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:08,660
mean it at all. 
But they've stood out to me. 

337
00:17:08,670 --> 00:17:11,240
Like one, like a couple of them 
were from when I was like 12. 

338
00:17:11,290 --> 00:17:14,460
And they still are so clear in 
my head. 

339
00:17:14,569 --> 00:17:18,520
And I am almost confident that 
if I replayed that scene and I 

340
00:17:18,530 --> 00:17:20,890
actually got to watch it again, 
I'm pretty sure those people 

341
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:23,200
didn't even say what I think 
that they said. 

342
00:17:23,319 --> 00:17:24,700
But in my head, that's what it 
is. 

343
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,220
Because the way you received it 
or. 

344
00:17:26,230 --> 00:17:28,840
Something exactly. 
And it's becoming, it's fed into

345
00:17:28,850 --> 00:17:32,630
my insecurities. 
And so I think recognising where

346
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:37,860
these things come from as well, 
because I don't think he's just 

347
00:17:37,870 --> 00:17:40,160
feeling insecure because of who 
she is. 

348
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,680
I think there would be a step 
like a, a route for that. 

349
00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:44,780
There would be a stem for that. 
And I think looking into that 

350
00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:47,250
would be really helpful. 
The reason that we're exercise 

351
00:17:47,260 --> 00:17:50,660
was so impactful and it was 
impactful really different for 

352
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:53,040
both of us, yeah. 
The impacted differently. 

353
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:57,750
Thank you. 
Um, yeah, so for me, I had big 

354
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,090
heights and big breakthroughs on
stuff you had like this steady 

355
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:04,430
like try and understand it and 
figure out you had more of a 

356
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,540
steady approach to it or or 
steady experience. 

357
00:18:07,580 --> 00:18:10,690
But I think one big thing that 
this exercise did So again, 

358
00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:13,810
sitting down and dot pointing 
out your story. 

359
00:18:13,820 --> 00:18:16,250
We this is what we did. 
We dot pointed out our story, we

360
00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:19,270
highlighted the crisises we 
hired, outlined the criticisms 

361
00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:21,520
in one of the. 
So what you do is when you 

362
00:18:21,530 --> 00:18:24,690
identify a crisis, for example, 
the example that they would use 

363
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:27,620
words to be hypothetically, 
someone broke into your house. 

364
00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:30,760
Name the things that you lost. 
So that that situation at the 

365
00:18:30,770 --> 00:18:34,400
moment breaking into your house 
as a crisis to now sit down and 

366
00:18:34,410 --> 00:18:36,900
and write down all the different
things that you lost. 

367
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,660
Not physically like, so they 
come in and steal your stuff. 

368
00:18:39,670 --> 00:18:42,360
Like we're not talking about 
physical things that they took, 

369
00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:44,660
but what did you lose 
internally? 

370
00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:49,220
So hypothetically, you would 
lose security, you would lose 

371
00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:51,580
clarity of like, how did they 
get in? 

372
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,460
Like I thought I locked 
everything, you know. 

373
00:18:53,530 --> 00:18:56,040
And so you, you list down the 
all of these things. 

374
00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:58,800
One of my crises, I had 40 of 
them. 

375
00:18:58,870 --> 00:19:02,240
It was, it was quite intense. 
And then what we did is we sat 

376
00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:04,910
down to each of those words that
we named. 

377
00:19:05,070 --> 00:19:08,610
There were losses and we sat 
through and we had all these 

378
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:10,580
graphs and things that help us 
with that. 

379
00:19:10,590 --> 00:19:13,060
But I think you can do that to 
an extent yourself without these

380
00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:17,000
sorts of tools is to be thinking
through through every loss. 

381
00:19:17,010 --> 00:19:20,460
There's a grief process. 
So you would sit down, you like,

382
00:19:20,470 --> 00:19:22,320
how am I feeling about this 
word? 

383
00:19:22,330 --> 00:19:26,320
So if it's clarity, how am I 
sitting in general with the word

384
00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:30,250
clarity and how do I feel in 
general about the word clarity 

385
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:33,040
and what that did? 
And we won't go into too much of

386
00:19:33,050 --> 00:19:35,850
that because that's, you know, 
we spent a week addressing these

387
00:19:35,860 --> 00:19:39,170
things, right? 
But what that did for us was 

388
00:19:39,180 --> 00:19:43,330
removed the the size of the 
issue. 

389
00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:47,090
So for this guy, for example, 
it's this huge issue of I'm 

390
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:51,390
insecure because she, you know, 
speaks in a different way than 

391
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,950
me, more upper class sort of 
stuff, whatever. 

392
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:58,330
It's removing that to be more 
like identifying why is this a 

393
00:19:58,340 --> 00:20:00,830
trigger for him? 
Why is this actually making 

394
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,190
insecurity for him is so it 
could be simply, you know, 

395
00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:07,630
actually clarity I'm feeling 
pretty good with, but security I

396
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,090
don't. 
So it's it's really narrowing 

397
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,700
down. 
So when these triggers. 

398
00:20:12,770 --> 00:20:16,770
Back up again, I've actually got
more of an understanding of 

399
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:21,870
what's going on so I can be in a
more sound mind to address that 

400
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,570
and put things in place to to 
work on that. 

401
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:29,870
And I see that is a big part of 
insecurities is is so disarming 

402
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,010
it's disarming to us. 
And so if we can disarm the 

403
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:37,190
situation, I feel like we're, 
yeah, it just loses a lot of its

404
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,920
power, a lot of its. 
Weight, and I mean insecurities 

405
00:20:39,930 --> 00:20:46,520
are insecurities aren't based on
truth, not a true fact that then

406
00:20:46,530 --> 00:20:50,160
makes you insecure. 
There are there impacted by your

407
00:20:50,210 --> 00:20:54,990
situation, your experiences, but
doesn't it's not a true thing 

408
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,080
that you can like this is not 
tangible. 

409
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,420
I don't know if that makes 
sense. 

410
00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:02,860
And so these things, but they 
become huge and they control us.

411
00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:05,440
And so having a little bit of 
clarity around them takes the 

412
00:21:05,450 --> 00:21:09,400
power away, hmm, and helps you 
see through them. 

413
00:21:09,450 --> 00:21:14,040
So you can start to address and 
adjust your behaviour and your 

414
00:21:14,050 --> 00:21:17,480
reactions to them and then 
eventually rebuild those new 

415
00:21:17,530 --> 00:21:21,760
neuropathways, neural, neural 
pathways, neuro neuropathways. 

416
00:21:22,650 --> 00:21:25,920
We smart, we smart, we smart. 
Talk going here. 

417
00:21:25,990 --> 00:21:29,110
We talk smart over here. 
We talk over here. 

418
00:21:29,180 --> 00:21:33,650
Anyway, That's yeah. 
So if you haven't listened to 

419
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:37,530
our last episode chat where we 
talk and reflect about our week 

420
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,890
in New Zealand doing this 
debrief, check it out because 

421
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:42,770
there's a lot of stuff that 
might, may come up in this 

422
00:21:42,780 --> 00:21:46,540
episode reflecting back. 
But also it's probably good to 

423
00:21:46,550 --> 00:21:49,570
just have a bit of a a more in 
depth summary. 

424
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:53,070
And also on our Patreon we go 
into even more. 

425
00:21:53,620 --> 00:21:57,070
In depth, in depth or. 
We go to a more depth. 

426
00:21:57,110 --> 00:21:59,490
At least this guy can feel like 
he's in good company. 

427
00:21:59,780 --> 00:22:01,750
He doesn't have to just come 
listen to the party. 

428
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,800
Check out the Patreon. 
Yeah, we go deeper. 

429
00:22:03,810 --> 00:22:06,480
Yeah, do that. 
Best of luck to this man. 

430
00:22:06,590 --> 00:22:10,420
Best of luck. 
Hey guys, just wanted to pop in 

431
00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:13,640
and take a SEC to talk about the
extra content you can find over 

432
00:22:13,650 --> 00:22:15,890
on our Patreon and our Spotify 
subscription. 

433
00:22:15,950 --> 00:22:18,730
We have a fun little community 
growing over there with extra 

434
00:22:18,740 --> 00:22:22,210
episodes, extra stories. 
We're also gonna have resources,

435
00:22:22,270 --> 00:22:26,120
messages back and forth, and 
also submitting listener stories

436
00:22:26,130 --> 00:22:29,120
through that portal as well. 
So sorry, outro theme. 

437
00:22:29,510 --> 00:22:33,340
Themes If you want to be a part 
of our closer knit community 

438
00:22:33,350 --> 00:22:36,520
here at Honey, we need to chat. 
Please hop on over to Patreon or

439
00:22:36,530 --> 00:22:39,020
Spotify subscriptions and join 
us there. 

440
00:22:39,030 --> 00:22:40,840
We would love to see you. 
Thanks guys. 

441
00:22:40,850 --> 00:22:45,990
Thanks, moving on, I-43 male 
accidentally insulted my 

442
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,150
partner. 43, female and now she 
has remained cold ever since and

443
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,920
she wears sweats all the time 
now. 

444
00:22:51,980 --> 00:22:53,970
I find that so funny because 
that's in his title. 

445
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,810
Yeah, really. 
That's just the title. 

446
00:22:56,900 --> 00:22:59,450
She wears wearing. 
Sweats right now, man. 

447
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,030
I know I'm wearing jeans 
actually. 

448
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,030
So I'm better than you. 
Yeah, actually someone commented

449
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:07,930
on Blair St sweats on her TikTok
yesterday or today. 

450
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:11,370
Like this this real this. 
TikTok hits harder when you 

451
00:23:11,380 --> 00:23:14,890
realise he's still wearing a 
stripper sweats because they're 

452
00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:17,740
grey sweatpants anyway. 
Unless it's something I don't. 

453
00:23:17,750 --> 00:23:20,120
Know I'm a stripper. 
He's seen you before. 

454
00:23:20,170 --> 00:23:21,950
Classic. 
Anyway, let's go back to the 

455
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,680
story. 
We have been a couple for seven 

456
00:23:23,690 --> 00:23:25,920
years. 
I only now realise we both view 

457
00:23:25,930 --> 00:23:28,560
her very differently. 
From my perspective, she's never

458
00:23:28,570 --> 00:23:31,640
been interested in fashion at 
all, always wears black jeans, 

459
00:23:31,650 --> 00:23:34,380
she has dozens of black tops. 
She doesn't wear makeup, doesn't

460
00:23:34,390 --> 00:23:36,860
get her nails done, only does 
root touch ups. 

461
00:23:36,870 --> 00:23:39,160
And I love her and don't care 
about this at all. 

462
00:23:39,710 --> 00:23:43,360
Why the naming it then? 
It's very special, I know. 

463
00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:48,180
Also, I'm insulted by how 
accurate the description of me 

464
00:23:48,190 --> 00:23:51,360
is. 
No, it's not. 

465
00:23:51,850 --> 00:23:54,580
From her perspective, apparently
she dresses elegantly and 

466
00:23:54,590 --> 00:23:57,680
minimalistic. 
She says she is always wearing 

467
00:23:57,690 --> 00:23:59,320
no makeup. 
Makeup. 

468
00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:01,630
I guess she means mascara? 
I'm not sure. 

469
00:24:01,770 --> 00:24:04,580
She says she pays the salon 
every month to colour her hair 

470
00:24:04,590 --> 00:24:07,160
or it would be grey. 
Reason this all came up is that 

471
00:24:07,170 --> 00:24:10,300
we met with friends and one of 
the women is very fashionable, 

472
00:24:10,390 --> 00:24:13,340
always done up. 
I had mentioned in passing to my

473
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,600
to my partner that I loved that 
she wore vibrant colours. 

474
00:24:16,650 --> 00:24:19,620
My partner had said she 
personally isn't a fan of bright

475
00:24:19,630 --> 00:24:21,870
colours and in the past and 
she's tried to wear them, she 

476
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,990
doesn't like how it looks. 
I told her if I was a beautiful 

477
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,660
woman I'd wear bright colours 
for attention and that's 

478
00:24:27,670 --> 00:24:31,250
probably why our friend does it.
Anyway, this was the gist of the

479
00:24:31,260 --> 00:24:33,410
conversation. 
If my partner was getting upset,

480
00:24:33,420 --> 00:24:35,090
I wasn't picking up on it at 
all. 

481
00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:38,050
I honestly don't even recall 
what I was saying that made her 

482
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:40,050
mad, but she ended up annoyed 
with something. 

483
00:24:40,460 --> 00:24:43,350
I was truly confused but we 
ended up in an argument. 

484
00:24:43,580 --> 00:24:46,440
I told her that based on how she
looks, I had no idea she cared 

485
00:24:46,450 --> 00:24:49,410
about her looks or fashion. 
She was just getting really 

486
00:24:49,420 --> 00:24:51,760
angry at me, which tends to make
me mad too. 

487
00:24:51,980 --> 00:24:55,790
So I told her that if she cares 
that much, to my surprise, that 

488
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,220
she should present herself 
better. 

489
00:24:57,870 --> 00:25:01,340
She insisted I tell her what I 
meant and so I told her that she

490
00:25:01,350 --> 00:25:04,210
dresses boring and it makes her 
look old and dumpy. 

491
00:25:05,980 --> 00:25:08,500
I didn't realise read this story
in its entirety. 

492
00:25:08,510 --> 00:25:12,660
Will fire out brussel sprout? 
She insisted I tell her what I 

493
00:25:12,670 --> 00:25:15,760
meant and so I told her that she
dresses boring and it makes her 

494
00:25:15,770 --> 00:25:19,200
look old and dumpy. 
I also told her I don't care at 

495
00:25:19,210 --> 00:25:21,760
all but since she appears to, 
she should try to dress more 

496
00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:24,550
fashionable. 
This was three weeks ago and she

497
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,190
was very angry with me. 
Now she is not angry but she's 

498
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,700
remained cold and she now has 
taken to dressing in sweatpants 

499
00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:34,600
slash sweatshirts. 
She says she won't be dressing 

500
00:25:34,610 --> 00:25:37,310
nice around me anymore, but I 
never thought she was dressed 

501
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,260
nice in the first place. 
OHT deed. 

502
00:25:40,340 --> 00:25:43,210
Obviously I put my foot in my 
mouth and I have apologised but 

503
00:25:43,220 --> 00:25:45,810
she doesn't care. 
She says she won't forget what I

504
00:25:45,820 --> 00:25:47,790
said. 
I really just want her to drop 

505
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,070
this. 
Is this something that needs 

506
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:56,440
therapy or just time? 
I think someone needs therapy so

507
00:25:56,450 --> 00:26:01,310
much about this, so much about 
this, but just to point out the 

508
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:06,750
insecurity side of it, the if I 
was if you had, which you never 

509
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,090
would, but if you said this. 
I choose life. 

510
00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:11,740
You choose life. 
If you said even a fraction of 

511
00:26:11,750 --> 00:26:15,190
this to me, I can see where it 
would prick my insecurities. 

512
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:19,370
So he obviously is very unaware 
of what she puts into. 

513
00:26:19,380 --> 00:26:22,630
If she's saying she's going to 
the salon and she's saying she's

514
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:26,210
wearing no makeup, makeup, as a 
man, he needs to just trust that

515
00:26:26,220 --> 00:26:29,610
because men have no men, 
generally speaking, have no 

516
00:26:29,620 --> 00:26:33,450
idea. 
Men right there, now we've had 

517
00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:34,670
this couple had. 
This conversation. 

518
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,190
Was it yesterday? 
Yeah, just. 

519
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:40,470
Recently anyway recently we had 
this conversation you showed me 

520
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:47,290
a real of a lady saying that she
would always get comments by. 

521
00:26:47,300 --> 00:26:49,580
Guys. 
Saying that, oh, you look so 

522
00:26:49,590 --> 00:26:51,760
natural. 
So natural and beautiful, yeah. 

523
00:26:52,450 --> 00:26:56,290
And she'd had Botox, she'd had 
her cheeks done, she'd had all 

524
00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:58,360
this work done. 
Was wearing heavy makeup. 

525
00:26:58,370 --> 00:27:01,710
Heavy makeup and all this sort 
of stuff and she's like, guys 

526
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,700
have zero clue. 
She was saying it was a joke. 

527
00:27:04,780 --> 00:27:07,590
Yeah, it was a joke, but like, 
guys have zero clue about what's

528
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:11,760
actually involved with women 
putting, yeah, you know, putting

529
00:27:11,930 --> 00:27:16,060
themselves together, whatever. 
So, yeah, I mean, that's that's 

530
00:27:16,070 --> 00:27:20,460
the first thing is like, and I, 
I don't, I'm not going to claim 

531
00:27:20,470 --> 00:27:22,440
that. 
I do understand, like you said 

532
00:27:22,450 --> 00:27:27,320
to me, what guy probably needs 
to do to dress up whatever is 

533
00:27:27,330 --> 00:27:32,260
get changed, trim his beard or 
if he's got it or shave do his 

534
00:27:32,270 --> 00:27:35,500
hair. 
Maybe have a shower and smell 

535
00:27:35,510 --> 00:27:37,960
nice and wear nice clothes. 
Yeah, because we were talking 

536
00:27:37,970 --> 00:27:40,500
about this in Auckland while we 
were sitting in Starbucks, 

537
00:27:40,510 --> 00:27:43,450
people watching waiting for a 
friend and I was just feeling so

538
00:27:43,460 --> 00:27:46,500
frumpy because I was in my 
literally the clothes. 

539
00:27:46,510 --> 00:27:48,770
You saw me in my whole week on 
the story. 

540
00:27:48,780 --> 00:27:52,690
Yeah, it was in my sweatpants 
and my sweatshirt and I just was

541
00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:55,450
like, man, there was all these 
posh people walking around and 

542
00:27:55,460 --> 00:27:57,720
then I was looking at the men 
that they were with, these posh 

543
00:27:57,730 --> 00:27:59,320
women, I should say. 
And then the men that they were 

544
00:27:59,330 --> 00:28:02,000
with were just there weren't 
like they didn't look bad. 

545
00:28:02,010 --> 00:28:05,950
But my philtre for what? 
About what looks appropriate or 

546
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:09,670
put together for a man. 
I realised in that moment was so

547
00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:11,070
different to my philtre for a 
woman. 

548
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,280
And we were talking about this 
like what it would take for a 

549
00:28:14,290 --> 00:28:17,070
guy to be like today. 
I'm gonna feel, I'm gonna dress 

550
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,770
up. 
It's like a two minute extra. 

551
00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:23,730
Process. 
For a woman to do that is so 

552
00:28:23,740 --> 00:28:26,640
much more time, like literally 
an hour kind of thing. 

553
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,540
And if I was to act like you do 
in the morning, get ready for my

554
00:28:30,550 --> 00:28:34,150
day, I would have a shower. 
I would pick my clothes, put 

555
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:37,790
deodorant on and perfume on and 
walk out of our bedroom and be 

556
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,520
ready. 
But Amy that has just had a 

557
00:28:40,530 --> 00:28:43,700
shower and done those things 
doesn't look like even Amy 

558
00:28:43,710 --> 00:28:45,410
tonight. 
The Amy is a different. 

559
00:28:45,420 --> 00:28:48,100
That's a different Amy. 
That would be frizzy hair. 

560
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:51,600
That would be hair in a slicked 
up, wet, messy bun. 

561
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,300
Yeah, that would be Amy that 
gets told she's tired all day 

562
00:28:54,310 --> 00:28:55,570
because she doesn't have makeup 
on. 

563
00:28:55,580 --> 00:28:58,020
And that's the days of people 
tell you you're tired because 

564
00:28:58,030 --> 00:29:00,260
you don't have makeup on. 
So. 

565
00:29:00,790 --> 00:29:04,330
And and I put on a wholly and 
put on a hat that. 

566
00:29:04,550 --> 00:29:07,200
You often look nice that it's 
like, oh look nice. 

567
00:29:07,490 --> 00:29:11,490
So it's just, it is what it is. 
It's a pain point for me. 

568
00:29:11,620 --> 00:29:16,000
But in saying all of that, he 
has no idea. 

569
00:29:16,230 --> 00:29:19,640
It's she's saying she's got no 
makeup makeup and she's saying 

570
00:29:19,650 --> 00:29:21,560
she goes to the salon. 
Just believe her. 

571
00:29:21,610 --> 00:29:24,330
Hmm. 
Whether she does or nothing. 

572
00:29:24,690 --> 00:29:29,240
So going right back to the 
beginning, he is unaware of how 

573
00:29:29,250 --> 00:29:31,020
she puts in I'm. 
How are you doing? 

574
00:29:31,030 --> 00:29:33,980
Are you triggered right? 
Now maybe I should try and 

575
00:29:33,990 --> 00:29:36,600
figure out why so triggered. 
I know why I'm triggered. 

576
00:29:37,310 --> 00:29:39,580
He has no idea what she puts 
into her appearance. 

577
00:29:39,650 --> 00:29:41,860
He's listed at all what he 
thinks it is, and then he's 

578
00:29:41,870 --> 00:29:44,980
listened to what she says it is.
So obviously he's clueless. 

579
00:29:44,990 --> 00:29:49,200
Which to me translates that he 
probably doesn't also encourage 

580
00:29:49,210 --> 00:29:52,660
her much in that because he's 
not very impressed by it even 

581
00:29:52,670 --> 00:29:55,840
though he doesn't care at all. 
So she's probably coming from a 

582
00:29:55,850 --> 00:29:59,080
perspective of he doesn't really
pay much attention to how I 

583
00:29:59,090 --> 00:30:01,540
look. 
And if she is putting effort in,

584
00:30:01,550 --> 00:30:05,020
that's even harder because then 
it's like not only am I actually

585
00:30:05,030 --> 00:30:07,230
putting effort in, but he's also
not even noticing. 

586
00:30:07,410 --> 00:30:12,830
And then he's commented on their
friend who is fashionable and he

587
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:14,930
said, I like that she wears 
bright colours, which is the 

588
00:30:14,940 --> 00:30:17,730
opposite to this girl's style. 
And that's valid that someone 

589
00:30:17,740 --> 00:30:20,410
enjoys bright colours. 
When we got together, I went 

590
00:30:20,420 --> 00:30:23,490
still. 
I wear black a lot and you were 

591
00:30:23,500 --> 00:30:25,700
like you should try to put some 
colours into your thing and 

592
00:30:25,710 --> 00:30:27,990
that's totally fine. 
And I have it was an insecurity 

593
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,260
that I was wearing black, but 
it's valid to be like it's nice 

594
00:30:32,270 --> 00:30:33,420
the bright colours. 
Hmm. 

595
00:30:34,210 --> 00:30:37,080
And then he says if I was a 
beautiful woman, I would wear 

596
00:30:37,090 --> 00:30:39,220
bright colours too. 
That's probably why she does it.

597
00:30:39,230 --> 00:30:43,740
Which straight away to my brain 
is like, OK, because she's a 

598
00:30:43,750 --> 00:30:46,640
beautiful woman and so she's 
wearing bright colours and 

599
00:30:46,650 --> 00:30:48,500
that's helping her be a 
beautiful woman. 

600
00:30:48,750 --> 00:30:51,110
I don't do that. 
I'm not beautiful woman. 

601
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:56,390
Don't say it, man. 
Just don't even know where to go

602
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:57,600
for. 
Dinner either. 

603
00:30:57,670 --> 00:31:00,150
And some of these are like, 
they're just smack you in the 

604
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,510
face. 
You're like, did he just say 

605
00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:03,350
that? 
Yeah. 

606
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,490
And then it's like what we say 
about that? 

607
00:31:05,540 --> 00:31:07,790
Yeah, don't say that. 
You're on your own, man. 

608
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:11,040
Yeah, yeah. 
We can't even workshop it 

609
00:31:11,050 --> 00:31:14,230
because it just wouldn't happen.
But I guess from like trying to 

610
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,280
take away the annoyance of the 
story, there have been things 

611
00:31:17,290 --> 00:31:20,000
that you haven't understood 
about how I present myself or 

612
00:31:20,010 --> 00:31:23,440
how I don't. 
And so from a male perspective, 

613
00:31:23,510 --> 00:31:29,110
how would you try to navigate 
this situation in a better, more

614
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:31,420
constructive way? 
Well, like if I had an issue 

615
00:31:31,430 --> 00:31:33,100
with how you. 
Dress well, if you thought, oh, 

616
00:31:33,110 --> 00:31:34,580
she doesn't actually put much 
effort into. 

617
00:31:34,590 --> 00:31:37,980
He says he doesn't care, but 
he's also noted these things 

618
00:31:37,990 --> 00:31:39,460
down. 
So if you're like, she doesn't 

619
00:31:39,470 --> 00:31:45,020
seem to like put much effort in,
which is not a moral thing. 

620
00:31:45,070 --> 00:31:48,430
No, straight away I would say. 
And again, this has changed and 

621
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:53,340
this is what you've brought to 
my life is be curious, you know,

622
00:31:53,350 --> 00:31:55,320
like, find out, well, what does 
she do? 

623
00:31:55,330 --> 00:31:58,430
Right. 
So she says she does the selling

624
00:31:58,440 --> 00:31:59,580
like, oh, cool. 
Like what? 

625
00:31:59,750 --> 00:32:01,560
Tell me about that. 
You know, what does that look 

626
00:32:01,570 --> 00:32:03,860
like? 
Like, what's that process? 

627
00:32:03,870 --> 00:32:07,540
You know, all this sort of stuff
is just start off by being 

628
00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:10,580
curious. 
And if if through that is 

629
00:32:10,590 --> 00:32:13,780
there's still an issue. 
I think it's I don't know, man. 

630
00:32:13,790 --> 00:32:16,880
Like, yeah, I, I don't know what
to do from that point. 

631
00:32:16,890 --> 00:32:20,780
I think if you show interest in 
someone, they kind of want to 

632
00:32:20,790 --> 00:32:22,560
get better at the thing that 
you're interested in. 

633
00:32:22,850 --> 00:32:25,500
You know what I mean? 
Like, so for example, what 

634
00:32:25,510 --> 00:32:28,480
interests do you have in me? 
What interest do you have in me?

635
00:32:29,790 --> 00:32:32,800
Put me on this, lots of interest
in you. 

636
00:32:32,810 --> 00:32:34,910
So hypothetically, right, So not
hypothetically. 

637
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,180
So when I picked up bass guitar,
right there was an interest for 

638
00:32:37,190 --> 00:32:43,170
you for when I picked that up 
and you were curious about what 

639
00:32:43,180 --> 00:32:45,550
I'm learning, how I'm learning, 
all this sort of stuff as a 

640
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:48,490
curiosity there. 
And that actually inspired me to

641
00:32:48,500 --> 00:32:51,450
get better at bass guitar. 
I'm not great at it, Phil, but 

642
00:32:51,860 --> 00:32:53,370
maybe because you lost interest 
in it. 

643
00:32:53,740 --> 00:32:57,290
No, but there's a, there's an 
element of inspiring me. 

644
00:32:57,300 --> 00:33:00,030
So I think curiosity is a huge 
part of that. 

645
00:33:00,100 --> 00:33:02,200
From there, I don't know, man. 
I don't have the answer for 

646
00:33:02,210 --> 00:33:04,470
that. 
And I think it's situational. 

647
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:07,930
But if you're not curious, if 
you're just accusational, it's 

648
00:33:07,940 --> 00:33:11,680
the wrong approach to start. 
With firstly, I'm very curious 

649
00:33:11,690 --> 00:33:14,330
and my husband, I'm super 
curious about what you do work, 

650
00:33:14,380 --> 00:33:16,610
how all these structures. 
And that's what I mean like in 

651
00:33:16,620 --> 00:33:20,530
this that inspires me. 
Yeah, and I'm curious about what

652
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:24,720
was more so about Call of Duty. 
Yeah, and then you realise I 

653
00:33:24,730 --> 00:33:27,100
used you as a human shield. 
Yeah, it was so. 

654
00:33:27,110 --> 00:33:30,300
You kept giving away our 
Playstations and then buying a 

655
00:33:30,310 --> 00:33:32,360
new one. 
Yeah, I was trying to kick a 

656
00:33:32,370 --> 00:33:34,320
habit. 
And then you'd be like generous 

657
00:33:34,330 --> 00:33:38,260
and just give it all, all your 
games and everything and then. 

658
00:33:38,270 --> 00:33:41,510
It was ruining our marriage. 
I would use you as a human 

659
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,500
shield. 
You started up before even. 

660
00:33:43,510 --> 00:33:47,260
Engaged, but yes. 
It works. 

661
00:33:47,270 --> 00:33:50,420
I think your curiosity comment 
is really key. 

662
00:33:50,590 --> 00:33:53,710
Well, I made too many kids in 
that, but I think it's really 

663
00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:58,500
key because, and there has been 
times where I don't remember 

664
00:33:58,510 --> 00:34:00,280
what the context was. 
I think it was when you were 

665
00:34:00,290 --> 00:34:03,540
working out of the house and 
I've raised with you, like you 

666
00:34:03,550 --> 00:34:06,890
don't ask me much about my day 
and you were like, well, I just 

667
00:34:06,900 --> 00:34:10,400
kind of know what you're doing. 
And so and and then I had said 

668
00:34:10,409 --> 00:34:11,980
to you, well, you don't really 
know what I'm doing. 

669
00:34:11,989 --> 00:34:14,290
Like, you know that I'm at home 
with the kids, but I would ask 

670
00:34:14,300 --> 00:34:16,409
you all the time about what your
day was, how you talked about. 

671
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:18,940
You've gotten way better at 
that, but it was kind of like 

672
00:34:18,949 --> 00:34:22,239
all that just wasn't really a 
thing that you thought about. 

673
00:34:22,250 --> 00:34:23,790
It wasn't something that you 
were curious about. 

674
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:27,150
You weren't intentionally 
putting effort, especially at 

675
00:34:27,159 --> 00:34:30,179
the end of the day when you're 
tired into being like, what was 

676
00:34:30,190 --> 00:34:31,590
Amy's day? 
Like, what did she do? 

677
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,449
Even things that like, I know 
this stuff's not interesting to 

678
00:34:34,460 --> 00:34:37,110
you, especially back then, I was
like maybe going for a coffee 

679
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:39,969
with someone, probably just at 
home, like there wasn't much to 

680
00:34:39,980 --> 00:34:42,650
talk about, but I would always 
be having conversations with 

681
00:34:42,659 --> 00:34:46,210
people and that kind of thing. 
So I think when you, and this 

682
00:34:46,219 --> 00:34:49,870
happens a lot in relationships, 
you start to just fall into 

683
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:52,030
complacency, complacency if 
you're not careful. 

684
00:34:52,179 --> 00:34:54,850
And so you just become these two
people just like spinning in 

685
00:34:54,860 --> 00:34:59,310
your little orbits and your 
lives overlap at home, but they 

686
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:01,050
don't necessarily overlap 
outside of that. 

687
00:35:01,060 --> 00:35:03,930
And if you're not careful, you 
just become these two 

688
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:07,980
independent orbits, just 
spinning these little satellites

689
00:35:07,990 --> 00:35:10,950
out in the world and you're 
together, but not really. 

690
00:35:11,240 --> 00:35:15,500
And so especially in this kind 
of thing where he's like, these 

691
00:35:15,510 --> 00:35:17,840
are the things she doesn't do. 
And then she's like, I do go to 

692
00:35:17,850 --> 00:35:20,940
the salon. 
He doesn't need to be like, yes,

693
00:35:20,950 --> 00:35:23,480
she went to the salon on June 
4th at 10:00 AM. 

694
00:35:23,490 --> 00:35:25,860
But just being like, oh, she 
went to salon. 

695
00:35:25,870 --> 00:35:28,560
How was it? 
Or like, what did you get done? 

696
00:35:28,610 --> 00:35:31,560
Or even just registering she's 
going to the seller today. 

697
00:35:31,570 --> 00:35:33,500
Or if he doesn't even know she's
going to sell it today, maybe 

698
00:35:33,510 --> 00:35:36,540
just say, what did you do today?
And having those little bits of 

699
00:35:36,550 --> 00:35:40,360
it, curiosity, build your 
togetherness and your interest 

700
00:35:40,370 --> 00:35:42,860
in each other and tell you a lot
more about each other. 

701
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:46,090
So then he's not for one thing, 
assuming things. 

702
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:48,810
And then also if he is picking 
up a pattern like you said, 

703
00:35:49,660 --> 00:35:53,510
where something's off and he's 
like she's not taking much pride

704
00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:56,850
in what she looks like, which is
not a bad thing, but could be a 

705
00:35:56,860 --> 00:35:59,550
trigger for or maybe something's
going on for her. 

706
00:35:59,700 --> 00:36:02,370
Then he knows those things. 
He could be more delicate. 

707
00:36:02,500 --> 00:36:04,820
Yeah, it's a I've got two 
things. 

708
00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:08,850
One is if we went to the Four 
Horsemen, what would be her 

709
00:36:08,860 --> 00:36:11,310
response after that? 
Would that be stonewalling? 

710
00:36:12,740 --> 00:36:15,880
Of its stonewalling because he 
doesn't say anything about what 

711
00:36:15,890 --> 00:36:17,900
she said. 
Well, it's essentially like 

712
00:36:17,910 --> 00:36:20,220
where she's now putting in, not 
putting in any. 

713
00:36:20,230 --> 00:36:21,030
Effort. 
Yeah, No. 

714
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:23,070
Yeah, yeah. 
So I'm not sure what that is, if

715
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:24,300
that's doing, what kind of what 
they? 

716
00:36:24,310 --> 00:36:26,900
Were stonewalling would be like 
shutting down and not talking 

717
00:36:26,910 --> 00:36:28,350
about it. 
So who knows what's happened 

718
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:30,890
between it happening in this. 
But yeah, I guess it's kind of, 

719
00:36:31,190 --> 00:36:34,310
it would kind of fall into 
defensiveness or stonewalling, 

720
00:36:34,550 --> 00:36:38,760
but disconnect, absolutely. 
I really enjoyed that episode. 

721
00:36:38,770 --> 00:36:42,540
So I like to take these 
scenarios and be like, oh, which

722
00:36:42,550 --> 00:36:45,750
one would this sort of Jonah 
just gives up the little bit 

723
00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:47,690
more pattern pattern there as 
well. 

724
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:51,170
The other part too, you're 
talking about how you're asking 

725
00:36:51,180 --> 00:36:53,970
questions and so forth. 
And I remember there was a 

726
00:36:53,980 --> 00:36:58,640
moment where for you know, when 
I said, I already know what 

727
00:36:58,650 --> 00:37:01,090
you're doing about your day. 
I think we can get into this 

728
00:37:01,100 --> 00:37:03,070
right as well. 
And like, I know everything 

729
00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:05,490
about you. 
There's nothing new about you, 

730
00:37:05,550 --> 00:37:09,890
but we're not looking for these 
massive like brand new things 

731
00:37:09,900 --> 00:37:10,610
like you. 
We don't. 

732
00:37:10,620 --> 00:37:13,320
We probably won't get that 
anymore that brand new. 

733
00:37:13,330 --> 00:37:15,500
Thing I want that. 
That would be scary at this. 

734
00:37:15,510 --> 00:37:18,140
Stage and exactly right, but my 
point is like people sort of 

735
00:37:18,150 --> 00:37:20,460
romanticise that it's like I 
don't have that anymore. 

736
00:37:20,470 --> 00:37:24,280
So I lose this curiosity. 
But you actually I learned new 

737
00:37:24,290 --> 00:37:27,600
things about you every single 
day because your life isn't the 

738
00:37:27,610 --> 00:37:30,430
same every single day and then 
micro new things. 

739
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:32,840
You've learned something new, 
you know, even through a 

740
00:37:32,850 --> 00:37:35,980
conversation you've had or real 
that you've watched or whatever 

741
00:37:35,990 --> 00:37:38,300
else, like there's always 
something new to learn. 

742
00:37:38,310 --> 00:37:43,180
So again, I think it's, and this
isn't a shame thing to say like,

743
00:37:43,190 --> 00:37:47,220
oh, you know, guys, you're not 
being as curious or, or ladies 

744
00:37:47,230 --> 00:37:48,810
not being as curious to your 
partners. 

745
00:37:48,820 --> 00:37:50,730
It's not a shame thing. 
We're not wanting to shame 

746
00:37:50,740 --> 00:37:54,990
people, but it's a learned art, 
you know, I mean, I had to learn

747
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:58,910
that I had to, I really had to 
put in effort on the way home 

748
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:02,060
coming from work about alright, 
what questions can I ask? 

749
00:38:02,070 --> 00:38:05,850
Because it, it's, it's genuinely
like otherwise my mind would 

750
00:38:05,860 --> 00:38:08,060
just be blank because I'm 
assuming I know what you're 

751
00:38:08,070 --> 00:38:12,250
doing and you have to really 
think about how to be curious. 

752
00:38:12,260 --> 00:38:15,110
It's quite a fascinating thing 
that you it's not naturally, 

753
00:38:15,180 --> 00:38:17,780
let's be curious for some 
people, but you can learn it and

754
00:38:17,790 --> 00:38:19,680
it's really, really important to
learn it. 

755
00:38:20,190 --> 00:38:24,410
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
And the more you can work out 

756
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:27,270
because yeah, there might not be
new things happening every day, 

757
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:30,240
but there's new things going on 
in your partners brain everyday 

758
00:38:30,250 --> 00:38:32,650
and how they are processing and 
thinking and. 

759
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:35,810
The other part too is again, 
having these conversations about

760
00:38:35,820 --> 00:38:38,090
what are you trying to grow in, 
What are you trying to work on? 

761
00:38:38,100 --> 00:38:41,310
Because that is going to be new 
every single day as as as long 

762
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,910
as the journey goes on. 
Yeah. 

763
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:47,000
Yeah, absolutely. 
I think as well with this, just 

764
00:38:47,010 --> 00:38:50,240
to wrap it up, I think, you 
know, the damage is done. 

765
00:38:50,610 --> 00:38:54,540
She's obviously not OK and she's
not just gonna magically be OK 

766
00:38:54,550 --> 00:38:56,000
and drop it. 
It's just not gonna happen. 

767
00:38:56,090 --> 00:38:59,260
And if it does, that's not 
actually a good sign either. 

768
00:38:59,270 --> 00:39:03,060
That's pushing something away. 
If I was him, I would just be 

769
00:39:03,070 --> 00:39:05,800
like, I am really sorry. 
Obviously I cracked an 

770
00:39:05,810 --> 00:39:08,940
insecurity or I pricked. 
I said something that I didn't 

771
00:39:08,950 --> 00:39:11,830
mean the meaning of. 
I didn't mean to intend certain 

772
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:14,460
things, didn't realise that that
stuff was important to you, and 

773
00:39:14,470 --> 00:39:15,870
I'm sorry that I didn't even 
know that. 

774
00:39:16,090 --> 00:39:19,030
So start, just start by being 
like super humble. 

775
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:23,830
You've put your foot in it so 
many ways even in writing this 

776
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:27,170
Reddit story, man. 
You put your foot in the pooper.

777
00:39:27,220 --> 00:39:29,610
Yeah, it's all in there. 
It's all in in there. 

778
00:39:29,620 --> 00:39:34,000
But doesn't have to stay there, 
you can bring it back just do it

779
00:39:34,010 --> 00:39:37,360
quickly. 
Moving on to the next story. 30 

780
00:39:37,370 --> 00:39:41,960
Female wife is offended because 
I 36 male ignore her during TV 

781
00:39:41,970 --> 00:39:44,960
show. 
This doesn't happen. 

782
00:39:45,470 --> 00:39:49,140
Maybe it was 33 female. 
It's offended because I, 36 

783
00:39:49,150 --> 00:39:53,500
male, ignored her. 
My wife, 30 female and I, 36 

784
00:39:53,510 --> 00:39:55,790
male, have been together for 
almost three years. 

785
00:39:55,950 --> 00:39:58,110
This is my second marriage and 
it's her first. 

786
00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:00,440
We're past the honeymoon phase 
and we're trying to figure out 

787
00:40:00,450 --> 00:40:02,660
life together. 
Now that the shine has dulled a 

788
00:40:02,670 --> 00:40:04,550
little bit. 
I'm so thankful to have her in 

789
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:06,140
my life. 
She's a wonderful partner and I 

790
00:40:06,150 --> 00:40:07,660
hate the possibility of hurting 
her. 

791
00:40:07,670 --> 00:40:11,020
But even unintentionally, lately
we've been having the same 

792
00:40:11,030 --> 00:40:13,440
disagreement over my attention 
level while we're watching a 

793
00:40:13,450 --> 00:40:15,290
show. 
She will make a comment 

794
00:40:15,300 --> 00:40:17,410
sometimes about the show, 
sometimes not. 

795
00:40:17,460 --> 00:40:19,470
More often than not, I will not 
hear her. 

796
00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:22,060
It's not that she's not talking 
loud enough, because last night 

797
00:40:22,070 --> 00:40:24,250
she said she was practically 
yelling at me. 

798
00:40:24,420 --> 00:40:27,330
I didn't hear any of it. 
I was way too focused on the 

799
00:40:27,340 --> 00:40:30,830
episode we were watching. 
What was the show though like 

800
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:32,840
that? 
That has to be said. 

801
00:40:32,990 --> 00:40:35,520
As you get a background, this is
something I have dealt with my 

802
00:40:35,530 --> 00:40:37,700
entire life. 
As a kid, I would sit down and 

803
00:40:37,710 --> 00:40:39,570
read a book. 
People would talk to me and I 

804
00:40:39,580 --> 00:40:42,280
simply wouldn't hear them. 
They would have to come up real 

805
00:40:42,290 --> 00:40:44,940
close and yell my name or tap me
to get attention. 

806
00:40:45,170 --> 00:40:47,500
It was a point of contention in 
my first marriage as well. 

807
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,410
This only happens when we're 
watching TV. 

808
00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:53,290
I try to be quite attentive most
of the time, mainly because one 

809
00:40:53,300 --> 00:40:56,210
of the things that attracted me 
to her most was that we could 

810
00:40:56,220 --> 00:40:59,700
talk about anything for hours. 
I really enjoy talking with her 

811
00:40:59,710 --> 00:41:02,450
and it makes me sad that she is 
trying to talk with me and I am,

812
00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:04,670
albeit unintentionally, ignoring
her. 

813
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:08,090
And I have absolutely no qualms 
about talking during a show. 

814
00:41:08,100 --> 00:41:11,110
I do it myself sometimes. 
I've considered trying to get a 

815
00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:14,500
referral to see a psychiatrist 
for an ADHD evaluation, but she 

816
00:41:14,510 --> 00:41:17,110
thinks that I'm taking it to an 
extreme and they should be able 

817
00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:20,070
to just hear her. 
Another part of this is that it 

818
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,490
isn't consistent in other 
people's houses. 

819
00:41:22,500 --> 00:41:24,570
With other people, I don't have 
this issue. 

820
00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:26,250
I think that it's a comfort 
thing. 

821
00:41:26,260 --> 00:41:28,080
My brain has sought up the 
information about my 

822
00:41:28,090 --> 00:41:30,790
surroundings at home and shuts 
down everything apart from the 

823
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:33,110
TV. 
She seems to take it personally 

824
00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:36,260
that she's the reason. 
It was particularly frustrating 

825
00:41:36,270 --> 00:41:38,970
to her when a few months back 
she mentioned that an actor on 

826
00:41:38,980 --> 00:41:41,630
the show we were watching was in
another one of our shows. 

827
00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:44,270
I didn't respond and shortly 
afterwards I said to her 

828
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:46,140
essentially the same thing about
the actor. 

829
00:41:48,590 --> 00:41:50,880
She got a little mad and said 
are you kidding me? 

830
00:41:50,890 --> 00:41:54,960
I just said that I apologise and
said I didn't hear her but I do 

831
00:41:54,970 --> 00:41:57,960
wonder if she believes me. 
I want to validate my wife's 

832
00:41:57,970 --> 00:42:00,250
feelings about not being heard, 
but I have a hard time 

833
00:42:00,260 --> 00:42:01,700
separating that from my own 
feel. 

834
00:42:01,710 --> 00:42:04,740
How can I show my wife that I do
care about her and want to hear 

835
00:42:04,750 --> 00:42:08,000
her, but that in that short time
in the evening while watching TV

836
00:42:08,010 --> 00:42:10,240
my body does not want to corrupt
cooperate? 

837
00:42:10,290 --> 00:42:15,400
This is a very accurate 
description of our lives. 

838
00:42:16,130 --> 00:42:19,320
It's with one of our kids where 
we're trying to get him help. 

839
00:42:19,390 --> 00:42:23,660
One of them does also do this, 
but I know where he got it. 

840
00:42:24,390 --> 00:42:26,940
I see. 
I relate to this. 

841
00:42:26,990 --> 00:42:31,870
Obviously, I very much relate to
this and it's I don't know how 

842
00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:34,390
to explain it. 
Like I remember, I think it was 

843
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:38,440
this year, I was sitting and 
watching TV and all of a sudden 

844
00:42:38,500 --> 00:42:42,940
I've got all I have you and all 
the kids are staring at me and 

845
00:42:42,950 --> 00:42:44,980
yelling. 
I'm like, what? 

846
00:42:45,050 --> 00:42:47,620
And I'm like, what is going on? 
And they're like, we've just 

847
00:42:47,630 --> 00:42:49,540
been yelling your name for a 
long time. 

848
00:42:49,610 --> 00:42:52,040
I don't know how to explain it. 
Like I genuinely don't. 

849
00:42:52,050 --> 00:42:54,400
It's just like you just go 
tunnel vision. 

850
00:42:54,630 --> 00:42:58,000
I just go tunnel vision and 
there's I don't know, I don't 

851
00:42:58,010 --> 00:43:01,040
know how to explain it. 
And I've heard today ADHD thing 

852
00:43:01,050 --> 00:43:03,770
and we've been curious about 
whether if that's something that

853
00:43:03,780 --> 00:43:06,990
I might struggle with. 
We never got tested or anything,

854
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,690
but we just had seen the, the 
symptoms of it. 

855
00:43:09,700 --> 00:43:12,280
And I just took so many, so many
of those boxes. 

856
00:43:13,130 --> 00:43:14,660
So yeah, I don't know. 
I don't know. 

857
00:43:14,730 --> 00:43:16,900
I understand. 
I can understand how that'd be 

858
00:43:16,910 --> 00:43:18,780
frustrating. 
I can understand him. 

859
00:43:18,850 --> 00:43:21,780
I'm thankful that even though 
it's frustrating to you, you 

860
00:43:21,790 --> 00:43:26,440
still see the humour in it. 
It's because I think you know 

861
00:43:26,450 --> 00:43:30,530
me, you know, you know, I'm not 
intentionally ignoring you, but 

862
00:43:30,580 --> 00:43:36,390
I think, I think I don't think 
it's a bad thing that he wants 

863
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:38,490
to go get tested and to bring 
answers. 

864
00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:41,930
I actually applaud that because 
again, you and I have spoken 

865
00:43:41,940 --> 00:43:45,460
about how rare it is for guys to
actually get the help that they 

866
00:43:45,470 --> 00:43:47,600
seek. 
You know, they'll identify 

867
00:43:47,610 --> 00:43:50,040
something, but then to do 
something about it is actually 

868
00:43:50,050 --> 00:43:53,280
quite rare from what we've seen.
Not not going off any stats or 

869
00:43:53,290 --> 00:43:55,360
anything. 
So I actually applaud him for 

870
00:43:55,370 --> 00:43:57,140
doing that. 
Yeah. 

871
00:43:57,150 --> 00:44:00,160
Just being curious about himself
and being like, this is not OK. 

872
00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:01,960
I don't want to treat her like 
this. 

873
00:44:02,050 --> 00:44:05,530
I want to do something in it. 
I don't know how he could bring 

874
00:44:05,540 --> 00:44:07,910
it up any any better than what 
he has. 

875
00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:12,570
I think I would absolutely, if 
he feels driven too, I would 

876
00:44:12,580 --> 00:44:16,150
absolutely be getting tested. 
I I'm intrigued by her apparent 

877
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:20,350
reaction to that. 
And I was thinking it could be, 

878
00:44:21,030 --> 00:44:23,820
and this is kind of the 
insecurity for this story was 

879
00:44:23,830 --> 00:44:26,870
one how he might be insecure 
about what's going on for him. 

880
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:30,060
He's not sure what's happening, 
But also she seems triggered by 

881
00:44:30,070 --> 00:44:33,280
this, like she's, which would be
annoying, but she seems 

882
00:44:33,350 --> 00:44:36,420
triggered by it too. 
So I'm not sure what's happening

883
00:44:36,430 --> 00:44:39,900
there. 
But I did think that some people

884
00:44:39,910 --> 00:44:44,040
could look at a diagnosis of 
something and then be like, oh, 

885
00:44:44,050 --> 00:44:46,670
cool, That's why I can just 
ignore you now. 

886
00:44:46,990 --> 00:44:49,260
And so I'm wondering if her 
reaction is a little bit like, 

887
00:44:49,270 --> 00:44:52,610
oh, if he, if he just trying to 
blame it on a HD and he's gonna 

888
00:44:52,620 --> 00:44:55,670
go get a diagnosis and then and 
then it'll be like, I can't hear

889
00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:57,270
when I'm watching TV. 
Yeah. 

890
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,950
And the thing that he pointed 
out where he can do it around 

891
00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:02,150
certain people, I think like 
when he's out of the house, 

892
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:05,260
which his explanation made a lot
of sense to me when he was like,

893
00:45:05,270 --> 00:45:07,510
you know, at home, everything's 
normal. 

894
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:11,120
I'm not like alert where it 
would be outside the house, but 

895
00:45:11,130 --> 00:45:14,310
that would be hurtful for her 
because you'd be like, you can 

896
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:16,610
make it happen for other people.
So are you just not putting the 

897
00:45:16,620 --> 00:45:20,130
effort in to make it happen? 
For me, and I know it seems like

898
00:45:20,140 --> 00:45:22,650
a semi small thing, like it's 
just while they're watching TV, 

899
00:45:22,700 --> 00:45:25,250
but it is really frustrating to 
just not be heard. 

900
00:45:25,540 --> 00:45:29,850
It's really difficult. 
I think I think is another level

901
00:45:29,860 --> 00:45:32,630
to it for you as well though, 
because our kids have just 

902
00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:36,050
started ignoring you. 
But like actually ignoring you. 

903
00:45:36,060 --> 00:45:39,130
It's not like they can't hear 
you, they just won't answer. 

904
00:45:39,140 --> 00:45:41,340
You have did you hear me talking
to them today? 

905
00:45:41,390 --> 00:45:43,540
No. 
I was in the bathroom cutting 

906
00:45:43,550 --> 00:45:46,160
one of the the oldest ones hair 
and I can't remember what I said

907
00:45:46,170 --> 00:45:48,700
to him and I was like it's like 
he just didn't hear it. 

908
00:45:49,460 --> 00:45:52,240
And then oht cause they kept 
saying stop which is fair 

909
00:45:52,250 --> 00:45:53,810
enough. 
He was sitting there for a very 

910
00:45:53,820 --> 00:45:57,210
long time as like don't move and
then he would like clap his 

911
00:45:57,220 --> 00:45:59,430
hands or something like don't 
move. 

912
00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:02,000
I don't know how else to say 
don't move. 

913
00:46:02,060 --> 00:46:04,130
And he's like sorry I just keep 
forgetting. 

914
00:46:04,180 --> 00:46:07,930
And I was like, but it feels 
like I'm invisible sometimes. 

915
00:46:07,940 --> 00:46:10,690
Which obviously the seven year 
old doesn't understand this but 

916
00:46:10,700 --> 00:46:14,950
genuinely I'm a little bit like,
does my voice impact anyone's 

917
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:17,390
life? 
So it is a bit more triggering. 

918
00:46:17,720 --> 00:46:20,010
And yes, recently I don't know 
what their deal is. 

919
00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:22,460
Two oldest ones in. 
Particular that all three of 

920
00:46:22,470 --> 00:46:26,400
them, all the three older ones, 
I, I remember our daughter just 

921
00:46:26,410 --> 00:46:28,350
lying on the ground and trying 
to talk to her and she's just 

922
00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:31,300
looking at you and just like 
flipping her leg, legs around 

923
00:46:31,310 --> 00:46:33,780
and stuff and she's just looking
at you and you're like, can you 

924
00:46:33,790 --> 00:46:35,710
hear me? 
And she's just looking at you. 

925
00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:36,920
She's not answering. 
At all. 

926
00:46:36,930 --> 00:46:40,320
It's so funny though because 
there was at the beginning of 

927
00:46:40,330 --> 00:46:42,900
our relationship and you are so 
much better at this now. 

928
00:46:42,970 --> 00:46:46,880
I would ask you something and 
then you just wouldn't respond. 

929
00:46:47,130 --> 00:46:49,240
But it was because you were 
looking it up or you were trying

930
00:46:49,250 --> 00:46:52,850
to think like I'd ask it again 
cause I thought you didn't hear 

931
00:46:52,860 --> 00:46:54,150
me. 
And you're like, oh, I'm trying 

932
00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:55,750
to think. 
And I'm like, so could you not 

933
00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:57,360
have told me? 
I just feel like I can't 

934
00:46:57,370 --> 00:47:01,090
remember what it is like is that
I can't remember an example, but

935
00:47:01,100 --> 00:47:04,530
something like, is that the 
person that, that you're meeting

936
00:47:04,540 --> 00:47:05,950
later and then you just be 
quiet? 

937
00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:08,040
Is that the person you mean? 
I'm just trying to figure it out

938
00:47:09,490 --> 00:47:11,340
OK? 
Yeah. 

939
00:47:11,350 --> 00:47:13,730
Like you didn't, you didn't 
respond or register. 

940
00:47:13,850 --> 00:47:16,440
And like I'm just used to people
being like ohhhhh, yeah, I'll 

941
00:47:16,450 --> 00:47:18,760
check or some sort of 
registering. 

942
00:47:18,770 --> 00:47:20,640
So I wonder if they get it from 
someone. 

943
00:47:20,710 --> 00:47:22,900
Well, I don't know what you're 
saying. 

944
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,650
And it is a weird, it is that 
kind of thing is different. 

945
00:47:26,700 --> 00:47:28,570
And obviously, we've derailed 
this conversation now. 

946
00:47:28,580 --> 00:47:31,070
But but again, going back to 
what you mentioned before her 

947
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:34,190
triggers and again being curious
and this is where I think they 

948
00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:38,990
can do together though, is not 
to not to move away from her 

949
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,050
struggle. 
Like it's good to validate her 

950
00:47:41,060 --> 00:47:44,260
struggle with this situation, 
but at the same time, it would 

951
00:47:44,270 --> 00:47:47,290
be good to explore why it's 
triggering her, triggering her 

952
00:47:47,300 --> 00:47:48,890
so much. 
Yeah, you get frustrated. 

953
00:47:48,900 --> 00:47:51,690
You do get frustrated when it 
happens, but you also see the 

954
00:47:51,700 --> 00:47:53,570
humour. 
It's not as much of A trigger 

955
00:47:53,580 --> 00:47:56,110
for you. 
You don't take it personally. 

956
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:59,290
I think you might have to start.
With initially, before I 

957
00:47:59,500 --> 00:48:01,930
understood a bit of what was 
happening, yeah, it was like, 

958
00:48:01,940 --> 00:48:03,200
hello. 
Yeah. 

959
00:48:04,420 --> 00:48:05,750
Am I here? 
She's your voice. 

960
00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:07,570
Just break. 
Hello. 

961
00:48:08,940 --> 00:48:12,190
So yeah, having that curiosity 
around her situation as well. 

962
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:15,070
So again, I think, I think for a
lot of these things, it's so 

963
00:48:15,080 --> 00:48:18,800
easy to look at one person. 
Yeah, you know, and just be 

964
00:48:18,810 --> 00:48:21,050
because again, this is not the 
big thing that we've been doing 

965
00:48:21,060 --> 00:48:26,040
even before New Zealand, but New
Zealand was that times ten was a

966
00:48:26,050 --> 00:48:31,310
situation comes up, either I've 
done something or, or like I I 

967
00:48:31,320 --> 00:48:34,920
have a trigger that affects you,
but then what does that mean for

968
00:48:34,930 --> 00:48:36,830
you then? 
So it's not just one. 

969
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:39,460
It's good to identify why that's
triggered for me and why I've 

970
00:48:39,470 --> 00:48:43,110
reacted in that way, but then 
it's also good to explore how 

971
00:48:43,120 --> 00:48:45,920
that affects you and because now
that's triggering you. 

972
00:48:45,930 --> 00:48:48,980
Yeah. 
And that's a really hard but 

973
00:48:48,990 --> 00:48:52,650
good exercise to do and just 
unpack that and to have that 

974
00:48:52,660 --> 00:48:56,880
culture of curiosity, figuring 
that out during deep. 

975
00:48:56,970 --> 00:48:59,920
One thing that really stood out 
to me when we were doing the 

976
00:48:59,930 --> 00:49:02,680
process in New Zealand was they 
explained this. 

977
00:49:02,770 --> 00:49:05,880
I don't remember what the like 
the drawing was called, but 

978
00:49:05,890 --> 00:49:07,560
basically it's the cycle of 
hurt. 

979
00:49:09,290 --> 00:49:11,080
Yeah. 
So an injustice is done to one 

980
00:49:11,090 --> 00:49:14,070
person intentionally, 
unintentionally, or it's just 

981
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:17,260
perceived as injustice from the 
victim. 

982
00:49:17,370 --> 00:49:21,780
And then there's this reaction 
that often happens if it's not 

983
00:49:21,790 --> 00:49:25,700
dealt with, where injustice is 
done in response. 

984
00:49:25,750 --> 00:49:29,740
So backwards. 
So either you then lash out and 

985
00:49:29,750 --> 00:49:33,680
cause injustice or hurt or pain 
to the person that just hurt you

986
00:49:33,790 --> 00:49:37,060
or you kind of put it on to 
someone else like you, you, 

987
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:39,610
you're triggered and you're 
frustrated and hurt and so you 

988
00:49:39,620 --> 00:49:41,320
snap. 
That happens a lot with my kids.

989
00:49:41,450 --> 00:49:45,960
I, if I'm stressed by something 
that is not related to them at 

990
00:49:45,970 --> 00:49:49,800
all and they're around me when 
I'm like reading the text or I'm

991
00:49:49,850 --> 00:49:52,180
on the phone or I'm like 
thinking about it, whatever it 

992
00:49:52,190 --> 00:49:55,160
is, I often find myself really 
snappy at them, which is not 

993
00:49:55,170 --> 00:49:56,740
fair. 
And it really bothers me that I 

994
00:49:56,750 --> 00:49:59,250
do that and I'm trying to work 
on it. 

995
00:49:59,260 --> 00:50:01,870
But that's a good example of 
you. 

996
00:50:01,880 --> 00:50:02,850
You're hurt. 
So then you hurt. 

997
00:50:02,860 --> 00:50:03,950
You hear that phrase all the 
time. 

998
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:06,650
Hurt people, hurt people. 
And so one thing that we pointed

999
00:50:06,660 --> 00:50:10,150
out while we were talking and 
debriefing with them was some of

1000
00:50:10,160 --> 00:50:14,720
the stuff that we're navigating 
and working on healing from were

1001
00:50:14,730 --> 00:50:19,140
hurt by that thing. 
And so then we put up boundaries

1002
00:50:19,150 --> 00:50:21,820
or we put up reactions or 
whatever it might be. 

1003
00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:25,110
And sometimes that can include 
things like stonewalling. 

1004
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:28,600
So that was one example we had 
was like we're hurt, then we're 

1005
00:50:28,610 --> 00:50:30,850
just not responding because 
we're too hurt and triggered to 

1006
00:50:30,860 --> 00:50:33,250
deal with it. 
And then that actually can look 

1007
00:50:33,260 --> 00:50:37,070
like a hurt to the other person,
so that the initial person may 

1008
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:39,950
or may not have meant to hurt, 
they've hurt you. 

1009
00:50:40,310 --> 00:50:42,610
And then if you're like 
stonewalling or you're reacting 

1010
00:50:42,620 --> 00:50:45,930
out of that, you could look 
like, especially if they didn't 

1011
00:50:45,940 --> 00:50:47,790
realise that they hurt you in 
the 1st place, it could look 

1012
00:50:47,800 --> 00:50:49,530
like you're just hurting them 
out of the blue. 

1013
00:50:49,540 --> 00:50:51,970
They're like what's going on? 
But really it's a reaction. 

1014
00:50:51,980 --> 00:50:54,840
So it's just this cycle and it's
more complicated the way I 

1015
00:50:54,850 --> 00:50:56,370
explain it. 
But so when you're looking at 

1016
00:50:56,380 --> 00:51:00,220
relationships that navigate 
hurt, and a lot of the stories 

1017
00:51:00,230 --> 00:51:03,950
we read, almost all of them have
some form of hurt that's been 

1018
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:07,770
done, It's really easy, like you
said, to just look at one side. 

1019
00:51:07,780 --> 00:51:11,050
But the reality is most 
relationships end up in places 

1020
00:51:11,060 --> 00:51:13,210
because of this kind of cycle of
hurt. 

1021
00:51:13,220 --> 00:51:16,050
And you haven't broken it, like 
you haven't dealt with that pain

1022
00:51:16,060 --> 00:51:18,160
and that hurt and the loss in 
that instance. 

1023
00:51:18,170 --> 00:51:20,710
So it's just gone back and back.
And it's like a ping pong. 

1024
00:51:20,720 --> 00:51:23,110
It's like just circle that just 
goes round and round. 

1025
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:27,110
And it's too complicated to pick
who's at fault. 

1026
00:51:27,120 --> 00:51:28,910
And it's not helpful to pick 
who's at fault. 

1027
00:51:29,240 --> 00:51:31,990
So I think, yeah, it's it's a 
really important thing when you 

1028
00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:33,860
are navigating something, 
especially when there's 

1029
00:51:33,870 --> 00:51:37,610
insecurity that may mean that a 
reaction or the way you take 

1030
00:51:37,620 --> 00:51:43,050
something in isn't even logical 
externally, really important to 

1031
00:51:43,060 --> 00:51:46,330
look at how you've reacted, how 
the other person's reacted, what

1032
00:51:46,340 --> 00:51:48,830
might be playing into it for 
both sides so that you've got a 

1033
00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:50,950
big picture of it all and you 
can navigate. 

1034
00:51:50,960 --> 00:51:52,550
I feel like that will help you 
navigate. 

1035
00:51:52,600 --> 00:51:56,730
And it's helped us navigate a 
lot better than if it's just 

1036
00:51:56,780 --> 00:51:59,330
Blair you've been doing, this 
thing's hurt me, so you fix it. 

1037
00:51:59,340 --> 00:52:03,510
Like there's so much, so much 
that goes into disagreements and

1038
00:52:03,620 --> 00:52:06,740
hurts that make it so much more 
complex. 

1039
00:52:06,790 --> 00:52:10,510
So I think, yeah, I think with 
this one, I don't know. 

1040
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:13,790
I think if this was us and it 
was just like, OK, it's super 

1041
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:17,330
specific TV time. 
You don't respond to me and it's

1042
00:52:17,340 --> 00:52:20,580
I know it's seems small, but 
it's just really hurting me. 

1043
00:52:20,620 --> 00:52:24,610
I think we'd put something in 
place so either like, I don't 

1044
00:52:24,620 --> 00:52:26,090
know because my brain doesn't 
work this way. 

1045
00:52:26,100 --> 00:52:29,260
In my head I'm like, could he 
just be like, OK, TV time, pay 

1046
00:52:29,270 --> 00:52:30,840
attention. 
Like almost pay more attention 

1047
00:52:30,850 --> 00:52:33,450
to her than the TV 
intentionally? 

1048
00:52:33,460 --> 00:52:36,390
Like would that help? 
Have you had times where? 

1049
00:52:36,460 --> 00:52:40,970
I have to I sorry I still 
struggle if there's something on

1050
00:52:40,980 --> 00:52:43,010
as well, doesn't matter if it's 
you or not. 

1051
00:52:43,020 --> 00:52:49,110
If it's something else on, I'm 
distracted so I love you. 

1052
00:52:49,720 --> 00:52:53,650
I don't like questions when I'm 
trying to listen to a song. 

1053
00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:57,420
This song. 
Yeah, so we, we, we just drive. 

1054
00:52:57,430 --> 00:52:58,440
Oh yeah. 
In New Zealand. 

1055
00:52:58,670 --> 00:53:01,100
So when we listen, we listening 
to the song or something and 

1056
00:53:01,110 --> 00:53:02,480
it's like, yes, I'm feeling the 
song. 

1057
00:53:02,490 --> 00:53:05,200
Like it's my groove, Like it's a
it's a really cool song. 

1058
00:53:05,210 --> 00:53:06,610
And then you start talking to 
me. 

1059
00:53:06,620 --> 00:53:10,110
I'm like, I can't do both. 
It isn't my jam, man. 

1060
00:53:10,120 --> 00:53:14,670
This is my jam and I have to 
break that and I listen to you. 

1061
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:16,520
So I actually turn it down. 
I don't know if you know, it's 

1062
00:53:16,530 --> 00:53:19,260
like every time I turn it down 
because you're talking and I 

1063
00:53:19,270 --> 00:53:21,240
can't do both. 
Don't listen to me. 

1064
00:53:21,250 --> 00:53:23,770
I have music on and you talk at 
the same time, so I have to turn

1065
00:53:23,780 --> 00:53:25,880
it down. 
Even if it's just a little bit. 

1066
00:53:25,890 --> 00:53:29,120
Me turning it down is like it 
breaks, breaks my concentration 

1067
00:53:29,130 --> 00:53:32,060
from the song to you and some of
the TV. 

1068
00:53:32,070 --> 00:53:36,340
I can't if the TV is on, it is 
very hard for my attention to be

1069
00:53:36,350 --> 00:53:38,700
on you. 
And it's not a matter of it's 

1070
00:53:38,710 --> 00:53:42,260
not a matter of priority, it's 
just more I can't multitask. 

1071
00:53:42,270 --> 00:53:44,780
Like especially if there's a 
specific scene that's about to 

1072
00:53:44,790 --> 00:53:46,430
happen and I'm like, oh, what's 
going to happen? 

1073
00:53:46,440 --> 00:53:49,980
And you start talking, I'm like,
I might, it's real wrestle for 

1074
00:53:49,990 --> 00:53:52,280
my brain. 
Just switch across. 

1075
00:53:52,290 --> 00:53:55,660
It's like, it's like, yeah, it's
like an actual block there to, 

1076
00:53:55,950 --> 00:53:58,490
to go across. 
It's not a Oh yeah, you're 

1077
00:53:58,500 --> 00:54:00,120
talking now you've got my full 
attention. 

1078
00:54:00,130 --> 00:54:01,600
It's really hard for me to do 
that. 

1079
00:54:01,990 --> 00:54:05,910
So I have to, I have to. 
So in some way, sometimes I slap

1080
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:07,570
my leg. 
I would as well. 

1081
00:54:07,580 --> 00:54:10,150
Don't know if you noticed that. 
So and watching TV and I've I 

1082
00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:13,270
can tell that you're talking and
I have no idea what you're 

1083
00:54:13,280 --> 00:54:14,970
saying. 
So I'll kind of just like this 

1084
00:54:15,020 --> 00:54:18,550
and I'll just brush my legs and 
I that's me turning and then 

1085
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:20,050
I'll look at you. 
And I was like, hey, cool. 

1086
00:54:20,060 --> 00:54:22,090
It's got my attention from that 
to you. 

1087
00:54:22,140 --> 00:54:27,940
That's crazy. 
Wow, Good good self something. 

1088
00:54:30,920 --> 00:54:34,130
Well. 
Good things that you found. 

1089
00:54:34,140 --> 00:54:37,540
It's not great cause I keep 
getting turned back to it but 

1090
00:54:37,550 --> 00:54:40,470
it's just like I'm not sure if I
can do an action. 

1091
00:54:40,480 --> 00:54:43,810
It helps break that focus. 
Do you remember when you started

1092
00:54:43,820 --> 00:54:46,150
doing this slapping thing or 
anything like that? 

1093
00:54:46,340 --> 00:54:49,050
I think when I when we noticed 
that I zoned. 

1094
00:54:49,060 --> 00:54:51,740
Out I just. 
No, no, there has been more 

1095
00:54:51,750 --> 00:54:53,880
recently. 
Yeah, so funny though, because 

1096
00:54:53,890 --> 00:54:57,710
when I'm watching something I'm 
not, I'm almost never fully 

1097
00:54:57,720 --> 00:55:00,500
like. 
I'm fully like, the room is 

1098
00:55:00,510 --> 00:55:02,610
there, the people are. 
There so I that's why I 

1099
00:55:02,620 --> 00:55:05,190
struggled to hear things, you 
know, and because I have 

1100
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:08,040
struggled with hearing and This 
is why I don't know fully know 

1101
00:55:08,050 --> 00:55:12,020
if it's my hearing, if there's a
lot of noise going on, I can't 

1102
00:55:12,030 --> 00:55:16,320
focus my attention and this is 
what so I, I got my ears tested 

1103
00:55:16,330 --> 00:55:21,320
when I was a kid and because I 
had struggle troubles hearing 

1104
00:55:21,390 --> 00:55:24,380
and then I got my ears tested 
and their actual diagnosis was 

1105
00:55:24,390 --> 00:55:26,380
more that I struggled to pay 
attention. 

1106
00:55:26,390 --> 00:55:29,040
It's not my hearing because I've
got my tested. 

1107
00:55:29,050 --> 00:55:32,230
I heard everything anyway, I had
no, I didn't miss a beat. 

1108
00:55:32,280 --> 00:55:35,270
Just feels so isolated. 
The hearing was like the test 

1109
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:37,530
was so isolated. 
If I've got a lot of noise 

1110
00:55:37,540 --> 00:55:40,690
around me, I'm just, I just 
can't focus on what's being 

1111
00:55:40,700 --> 00:55:42,080
said. 
Yeah. 

1112
00:55:42,120 --> 00:55:43,850
So a lot of times I'll be like, 
huh, what? 

1113
00:55:43,860 --> 00:55:46,350
Like, but I or I have a weird 
look. 

1114
00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:48,200
I feel like I've got a weird 
look on my face a lot of the 

1115
00:55:48,210 --> 00:55:50,310
times wearing group settings 
cause I have no clue what people

1116
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:51,900
are saying. 
Yeah, yeah, you kind of just 

1117
00:55:51,910 --> 00:55:56,070
look stoned in the corner. 
I mean, I mean, yeah, that was a

1118
00:55:56,130 --> 00:55:58,410
was affecting it too. 
Sometimes I just come up to you 

1119
00:55:58,420 --> 00:56:01,050
and you're. 
Yeah. 

1120
00:56:01,940 --> 00:56:04,320
Do you just give up or something
like or do you just like? 

1121
00:56:04,330 --> 00:56:06,490
Do you sit? 
There I think I'm trying, I'm 

1122
00:56:06,500 --> 00:56:09,310
trying to focus and figure out 
what people are talking about 

1123
00:56:09,420 --> 00:56:13,840
and then I just come out with. 
Did a really inappropriate time.

1124
00:56:13,850 --> 00:56:15,280
Yeah. 
Yeah, that makes me sad for you,

1125
00:56:15,290 --> 00:56:17,820
baby, but it is. 
It is what it is. 

1126
00:56:17,890 --> 00:56:20,920
But I think I was just thinking 
when you're talking, one thing 

1127
00:56:20,930 --> 00:56:23,520
we could do, because I've also 
started turning the music down 

1128
00:56:23,530 --> 00:56:26,400
if I need to talk because I need
you to hear me. 

1129
00:56:26,750 --> 00:56:29,340
So one thing I think we could do
if we were in this situation is 

1130
00:56:29,350 --> 00:56:33,560
I could pause it if I had. 
If you touch me, it would break 

1131
00:56:33,570 --> 00:56:35,000
my attention. 
Yeah. 

1132
00:56:35,060 --> 00:56:37,080
So it's it's it's very much a 
touch. 

1133
00:56:37,090 --> 00:56:41,460
And if you touch me, it's, it's 
more helpful, like if you put 

1134
00:56:41,470 --> 00:56:43,130
your hand on me or something. 
Yeah. 

1135
00:56:43,180 --> 00:56:45,830
And started talking and like, it
gave it a little squeeze or 

1136
00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:46,870
whatever. 
Yeah. 

1137
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,390
That would help me break my. 
Attention from it so in tonight 

1138
00:56:49,400 --> 00:56:51,990
guys and I think that would be 
helpful for them too if they 

1139
00:56:52,000 --> 00:56:55,710
could find if he's genuinely 
like it's not an intentional 

1140
00:56:55,720 --> 00:56:59,430
thing and I think whatever is 
going on for her, she's got a 

1141
00:56:59,440 --> 00:57:02,910
process that then if they can 
come to an agreement that will 

1142
00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:06,350
help him hear her but also help 
her understand he's not just 

1143
00:57:06,360 --> 00:57:08,810
going to like. 
And help him understand her. 

1144
00:57:09,300 --> 00:57:13,080
And, and understanding each 
other like I know everybody's 

1145
00:57:13,090 --> 00:57:14,630
got different plans on getting 
diagnosis. 

1146
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:17,210
We haven't done anything for you
just because we don't have the 

1147
00:57:17,220 --> 00:57:19,010
time and and and or the. 
Money. 

1148
00:57:19,160 --> 00:57:21,880
Apparently it's like a huge. 
Huge loan. 

1149
00:57:21,890 --> 00:57:24,320
Yeah, it's really complicated, 
which is kind of sad, but it's 

1150
00:57:24,330 --> 00:57:26,270
also a complicated test, I think
so. 

1151
00:57:26,970 --> 00:57:31,030
And I'm not good at tests. 
Which is probably probably they 

1152
00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:32,680
don't have a hard one for 
radiation. 

1153
00:57:32,690 --> 00:57:36,230
Yeah, they. 
Probably made it work for people

1154
00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:39,180
with it, or maybe that's how I 
figure out you've got it. 

1155
00:57:39,230 --> 00:57:43,320
But anyway, I think if we needed
you to, and we would do it with 

1156
00:57:43,330 --> 00:57:46,350
our kids if we needed, if we 
were like, OK, now we're at the 

1157
00:57:46,360 --> 00:57:50,460
stage where we really need some 
kind of external support with 

1158
00:57:50,470 --> 00:57:54,340
this, then we would do that. 
And we've definitely within our 

1159
00:57:54,350 --> 00:57:57,420
kids, I think we're seeing some 
people, some of them might have 

1160
00:57:57,530 --> 00:58:00,480
similar things, which is 
beautiful. 

1161
00:58:00,490 --> 00:58:03,160
I genuinely mean that. 
I think it's a really beautiful 

1162
00:58:03,170 --> 00:58:07,870
thing to understand. 
And I think for them, if he, it 

1163
00:58:07,880 --> 00:58:10,400
could be just a matter of, it 
seems like they function really 

1164
00:58:10,410 --> 00:58:12,430
well every other way. 
So it could be just a matter of 

1165
00:58:12,440 --> 00:58:14,590
finding something that works 
like like that her putting his 

1166
00:58:14,600 --> 00:58:16,710
hand on her hand on his knee or 
something like that. 

1167
00:58:17,320 --> 00:58:20,670
But if he's really feeling 
distressed by it or it's causing

1168
00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:25,290
more issues than I think having 
a really honest conversation 

1169
00:58:25,300 --> 00:58:28,550
with her about like, I'm 
genuinely thinking that I've got

1170
00:58:28,560 --> 00:58:31,000
something that's affecting my 
attention. 

1171
00:58:31,960 --> 00:58:34,230
And so I actually really would 
like to look into it and just 

1172
00:58:34,240 --> 00:58:36,570
being very honest with her about
that process. 

1173
00:58:36,900 --> 00:58:40,250
I'm sure with time she would be 
able to kind of understand that 

1174
00:58:40,260 --> 00:58:45,040
if she's willing to be curious. 
And yeah, and supportive of her 

1175
00:58:45,050 --> 00:58:47,900
partner then I'm sure that would
be something they can work 

1176
00:58:47,910 --> 00:58:52,440
through. 
Yeah, good one and applicable. 

1177
00:58:53,400 --> 00:58:56,110
Give me the. 
IPad let's I'll try this guy. 

1178
00:58:56,160 --> 00:58:59,170
And just like that, we've 
unpacked another layer of our 

1179
00:58:59,180 --> 00:59:02,510
complex selves. 
Today's chat in on insecurities 

1180
00:59:02,520 --> 00:59:05,750
has hopefully shed some light on
those shadowy doubts that can 

1181
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:09,230
sneak into the best of us. 
Remember, it's not about being 

1182
00:59:09,240 --> 00:59:13,170
perfect, It's about being honest
and gentle with ourselves and 

1183
00:59:13,180 --> 00:59:15,410
each other. 
Take what we've discussed, 

1184
00:59:15,420 --> 00:59:18,630
embrace your vulnerabilities, 
and turn them into strengths. 

1185
00:59:18,800 --> 00:59:21,070
Thanks for joining us on Honey. 
We need to chat. 

1186
00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:25,100
Until next time, keep supporting
each other, keep loving deeply, 

1187
00:59:25,150 --> 00:59:28,490
and remember we're all perfectly
imperfect. 

1188
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:32,450
Can't even laugh at that one. 
That's so a job chapatti. 

1189
00:59:32,980 --> 00:59:34,020
Thanks guys. 
Good chat. 

1190
00:59:34,080 --> 00:59:34,530
See ya.