If I was to act like you do in the morning, get ready for my
day, I would have a shower. I would pick my clothes, put
deodorant on and perfume on and walk out of our bedroom and be
ready. But Amy that has just had a
shower and done those things, that would be frizzy hair.
That would be hair in a slicked up, wet, messy bun.
Yeah, That would be Amy that gets told she's tired all day
because she doesn't have makeup on.
And that's the days of people tell you you're tired because
you don't have makeup on. Yeah.
So it is what it is. It's a it's a pain point for me.
But in saying all that, he has no idea.
Welcome back to another Honey We need to Chat episode.
Yes, we are podcast all about communication.
We believe that when communication dies, bad things
happen. And so our heart is to chat and
chat through things that you might experience in your
relationship and things that we absolutely have.
So welcome. Thank you for joining us.
We have Bonnie with us again tonight.
You can kind of see. Say hi, Bunny.
We come. Here, good girl.
Not don't climb. She's gonna cry.
Me. I'm sorry.
I just confused you. Go lie down.
No, No, no, no, no. That's my tea.
Yeah, let me show you affection for once.
He got confused. Yeah, so you stay with me.
This is a Reddit story week and we are diving into the topic of
insecurities, so buckle up. But before we do that, we're
going to break some ice. Break it, we're gonna do a red.
Cha cha cha cha button. She gonna help him.
Alright, so the first brain Buster is how has our
relationship changed to you? Oh my gosh.
In so many ways it's changed my sense of confidence, it's
changed my boundaries, my ability to put boundaries in
place, my ability to try new things.
I eat semi spicy food sometimes now.
Well done so. Proud change.
You kind of be kind of eat jalapenos.
Now kind of eat, yeah, depends on where and when, but yes, it
does happen and never happened before.
So that's one big thing. What about you?
Yeah, that's a big one. I think a lot has changed.
I think it's helped me to not be so self centred.
Do you think of someone else? Is is always a a good change to
do it in a way of teamwork, which is awesome.
Again, obviously everything that comes with knowing you too,
without kids and all that sort of stuff, that's a whole other
level. Is there something you want to
say? She just has the biggest smile
on. Her face, yeah.
There's something that you want to say?
Yeah, I think I really want to think about this.
What's changed for me, I think there's a level of like, yes,
teamwork, but also reliance. Like I'm actually relying on
someone now. I think before I was quite
independent. Do we need it?
Do you guys think the moment? Funny.
Daddy's being serious. She put white fur all over me.
Go lay down, bun, go lay down. Yeah, so there's a whole other
level of reliance, like some a lot more reliance on you, which
I think before I was quite independent.
I feel like I'm a lot more curious now, even though I'm not
as curious as you. I'm definitely a lot more
curious. I have a lot more safety.
I would say I feel a lot more secure and safe and who I am.
Yeah, there's some big ones. Yeah, I'd agree with some of
those from me as well. You're not eating that.
No, no, you're not even that. What do you think is the key to
our lasting happiness? Communication.
Communicate, Yeah. What is happening?
The mic thing out. What is happening?
Bunny? You gotta lie down.
Hello. Hello.
Stay, stay, stay. Well, that was nearly a hiccup.
Cheers knocked the Mike thing out again, but this time we
heard. Mic.
Check the mic. Fixed.
Hopefully it works it I do have an answer to that question, by
the way, which was what do you think is the key to our
happiness? Yeah, I controversial opinion, I
don't actually think that happiness is something to chase.
And I hear a lot of people say like their goal is to be happy
and I I get it cause happiness is obviously a beautiful
experience. Hmm.
But I don't think happiness is a constant.
I think happiness is the same as excitement.
Hmm. And there's a whole bunch of
more important foundational emotions that I would chase over
that like joy, which maybe some people think is like excitement
too. But in my opinion it could be
like a long lasting consistent happiness.
I think when you chase happiness, you can end up
chasing things that cover up what's going on.
Yeah. And, and feeling like when it's
not happy, things aren't going well.
So if you go through a hard thing, it's not just all we're
going through a hard thing together, but we're weathering
it's, it's like almost like you're failing because you're
chasing happiness. So that's a bit of a different
answer to that question, but I don't really think that
happiness is something that I pursue, whether there's any key
to our was it eternal happiness or something?
Yeah, lasting happiness. Lasting happiness something,
yeah. But communication is a good
step. Yeah, do it.
Do you have any answer? I'm doing the same as yours,
stealing it. Copycat from Ballarat.
Cool. Alright, well, let's dive right
in. Yep, honey, we need to chat.
So on the topic of insecurities, and in our last full episode
actually dived a little bit into insecurities, which was not
planned necessarily, but we talked a little bit about how
we've navigated that slash how we are navigating that because
of various different things, but mostly you knowing how to help
me navigate how to talk about it.
Like I've got a buddy. Hate me?
Navigate how you navigate. So we navigate how?
You. Do you remember that song?
I see. Wait, what is it?
I see you watching me. Watching you.
Yeah. Tells how old we are.
Yep. Anyway, so this is a deeper dive
into the world of insecurities, and I would say that everybody
has insecurities and everybody would experience some form of
this. So hopefully it's a helpful
discussion. Hmm, let's get it.
OK first story, I 28 male feel inferior to my girlfriend 28
female. Not sure how to start this.
I'm not sure if it's coming from a place of insecurity or
something similar but I feel like a lot of times during our
relationship I can't relate to her because we are so different.
We've been together for 1 1/2 years.
She's the one who is brought up in a how you say more cultured
upbringing. She knows many things that I
just have no idea about coming from a less fortunate family.
I never got to experience a things growing up that she has.
I feel like a majority of the time if she brings something up
that I don't know I have to basically lie and agree.
Of course I know about that lest I get weird looks from her.
And how could you not know about this?
It's common knowledge this can range from some random fun facts
that I guarantee no one has ever heard of to pop culture
references. Sorry I don't know celebrities.
It gets tiring. It doesn't help the fact that
she is more educated than I am as she is a doctor and will be
earning essentially triple my salary.
It all feeds into the insecurity complex.
At times I feel dumb, not understood, or simply seen as a
child because she seems much further ahead as an adult than I
am. I'm constantly scared that
she'll just meet one as apt as her with a with a connection and
it'll just be over. As in, why am I even putting
effort into this relationship when I know it's probably doomed
in the future? Doesn't help that the divorce
rate in America is like 50%. We probably never had a chance.
Can anyone relate to this? Advice on how to go through this
would be appreciated. I can see how those stats could
actually spark in security and people, you know, but I think as
well at the same time, and for me, it sparks the importance of
what we're doing right? Like it's in it's barking the
importance of, you know, so if you're if you're about to get
married or if you're in a new relationship or a long lasting
relationship, like I think it's still so vital to have this
training to have this investment into your relationship because
you can't really go into it half hearted because it's so it's so
like literally you have 5050 chance, you know, I mean, yeah.
I'd love to know the actual like most recent kind of stats.
I don't know because people always say 50%, but I don't know
that that's the actual number or not.
I am not. I wouldn't be surprised if it
was, but also I, I had a moment before we got married where I
was really. I don't know why I just all of a
sudden impacted by the idea that like so many people get divorced
and both of our families, both of our parents marriages had
ended or were ending and I just was like super freaked out by
that. But I think something that
stands out as it's not like 50% will get divorced because it's
kind of it's not the same as like a medical stat that's like
40% of people will have this, It's 50% of people get divorced.
But that's a situational step that you can be a part of
changing. Yeah.
So it's it's actually, yeah, it's not something to be too
scared of. But it does sound, I can totally
understand how if you're already feeling insecure as well, that
kind of a start hanging over you would just be like, what's even
the point? But obviously his insecurities
are the bigger thing hanging over him in this.
I think this story sounds hard and I can relate in some way.
Like not in this exact scenario because I didn't marry someone
more cultured than me. Which time?
OK, but you know, there's always things when you come into
relationship that your partner is going to do better than you
or be more like comfortable with.
Have been raised in and there are so many things that I have
watched either you or like people that are significant to
me do with confidence that I just never had because of how my
life was growing up. And everybody has that.
Like everybody has a different way of growing up.
So I can relate to the feeling and I feel like it's not that
uncommon, but I also don't think it's a make or break thing.
I don't think either side of a relationship is ever the best.
Like it's not like you're he would have things that he is
more confident in. He would have things that he's
bringing from his family upbringing that probably if you
looked at them neutrally would look stronger or would look more
encouraging or whatever it might be.
And so I think it's, it's probably a mismatch of the
weight, I guess, or the value put on things.
But when you are really educated or when you're in like
interacting with really educated people, I think it's very easy
to feel just confused or just overwhelmed.
Like you said, he has to pretend like he knows what's going on.
But I think that's a sad, that's the thing that stood out to me
the most. That was one of the saddest
parts, that he's pretending to get it.
Does it mention about how long they've been together?
Only 1 1/2 years. Going back to when our ice
breaker question like from the chat jar, it's like what has
changed about me or whatever else?
And again, we, we listed some stuff and I think it's from my,
from hearing what you were just saying.
Then in my head, I'm like, oh, he's, he's focused too much on
himself as an individual and not what he brings to the party,
right. So again, you know, for you and
I, we are complete opposites. We, we are sobs in, in many
ways. But then when we focus on who we
are as an individual and, and the strengths that we have,
because we're so opposite man, we, we really work well together
and we bring so much more to whatever situation where
dressing because our strengths are so different.
Yeah, the thing that's a big thing too is, is he's focusing
so much on what he isn't. He's not actually focusing on
much of what he is and what he does bring.
I, I do understand that. Like, I there's, I mean, you're
always tell me what words mean. Like seriously like I have no
clue what half the words in the English for cupboard fuck up
there meme account. Harry is a word for.
Whatever I'm. Glad you didn't make me actually
excellent smarts, but smart smart.
Smart. But yeah, in this is too much
about what she is and what she is and what he isn't.
I think what we need to do to strengthen our relationship as a
couple is to identify the strengths that we bring to that
relationship. Yeah.
And it I'd be curious to know because sometimes you would be
in this situation, they're dating, they've been together
for a year and a half. Sometimes you will be in a
partnership with someone who doesn't come to the table with
that. So he may be able to do that and
potentially she will be like, oh, you don't know this stuff,
OK. And that's on her.
And that's horrible if that's the case.
But like, setting that aside, when you're able to communicate
about what you're like, worried about, like, he seems so doom
and gloom at the end of this. Like, what's even the point of
us being together? She's gonna meet someone else.
He's got a lot of insecurities building on each other.
It sounds to me like it's not something he's told her because
he says he has to pretend what like that he understands what
she's saying. So I.
Feel itself shows insecurity. Doesn't feel he doesn't feel
safe that he can do that or his insecurities are taking over.
That's in that. Either way, that's safety.
That's either safety from her or.
Safety from safety. Yeah.
And he does say that he has to pretend or he'll get weird looks
from her or a comment like, how could you not know what that is?
It's common knowledge, which that is like that's something
else to deal with if that's the case.
But setting aside her character because we just don't know what
it's like, I think, yeah, coming to coming to a place of honesty
with your partner about even even these insecurities and be
like, I really struggle to keep up with your conversations.
I don't get them. I'm not a doctor but also I just
heard not a doctor. What is?
Premier line from you on Not a Doctor but also.
The end of it TV show. Which TV show was?
It, I don't know, but I think it's like Parks and Rec or
something, or maybe Brooklyn 99. Anyway, she knows he's not a
doctor. She knows who he is other than
the the face he's putting on to understand these things that he
doesn't understand. She knows him and she's dating
him, so for him to think he's going to fool her into thinking
he's something he's not as kind of silly, especially long term,
that's not going to work long term.
And she probably, if she knows who he is, she probably doesn't
care about those things and hopefully doesn't care about
those things. And like you, one thing that's
changed hugely in you is, like you said, your vocabulary when
you started, when we were together, you had just started
kind of moving out of moving more into kind of academic work.
And you actually went to Bible college for a time.
And before you went to Bible college, you'd never written an
essay. You'd hardly read books.
There was a lot of words and, and the use of English that just
was confusing to you. But you learned that and you
were super intentional. He did not let it set him like
back. It was just super intentional.
He like sought out a friend that was an English teacher to help.
He would like talk to me about it.
When he was writing his essays, he talked to people around him
and you learned those things. And that's grown hugely.
Even in that year it grew hugely.
And since then it's continued to grow.
So just because he doesn't know these things doesn't mean he
can't. Yeah.
And I think that's quite good too, because it's also showing
if he is wanting, if he's got that desire to be able to speak
at that level, like do something about it at the same time.
Learn those things, show an interest in those things, don't
you? Shut down, let that show your
wave from from that, you know? Yeah, I think that's a big thing
too. I think the thing also that we
just need to be aware of too, is this is an episode on
insecurities. As we mentioned in the Hard
Conversations episode, insecurities don't necessarily
receive facts very well. Yeah.
So we've just spouted a bunch of stuff like this logic or facts,
but he may not be in the place to hear those kinds of things
anyway. And so one thing that we did in
New Zealand, which was part of the process while we were there,
was to kind of step through our story and highlight things that
have stood out to us and then how they made us feel.
And there's so many things that could be impacting someone with
insecurities like this. But I think one thing that I
would, if he wants to work on the insecurity side of it rather
than just kind of band aiding it, is one thing I'd suggest is
to just reflect on your story and look at either the way the
things that impacted you that we're kind of concerned through
your life or even the comments. One of the things they got us to
do was go through our lifetime line and write down criticisms
that have stood out to us. And there's a few criticisms
that just came from various different people that didn't
mean it at all. But they've stood out to me.
Like one, like a couple of them were from when I was like 12.
And they still are so clear in my head.
And I am almost confident that if I replayed that scene and I
actually got to watch it again, I'm pretty sure those people
didn't even say what I think that they said.
But in my head, that's what it is.
Because the way you received it or.
Something exactly. And it's becoming, it's fed into
my insecurities. And so I think recognising where
these things come from as well, because I don't think he's just
feeling insecure because of who she is.
I think there would be a step like a, a route for that.
There would be a stem for that. And I think looking into that
would be really helpful. The reason that we're exercise
was so impactful and it was impactful really different for
both of us, yeah. The impacted differently.
Thank you. Um, yeah, so for me, I had big
heights and big breakthroughs on stuff you had like this steady
like try and understand it and figure out you had more of a
steady approach to it or or steady experience.
But I think one big thing that this exercise did So again,
sitting down and dot pointing out your story.
We this is what we did. We dot pointed out our story, we
highlighted the crisises we hired, outlined the criticisms
in one of the. So what you do is when you
identify a crisis, for example, the example that they would use
words to be hypothetically, someone broke into your house.
Name the things that you lost. So that that situation at the
moment breaking into your house as a crisis to now sit down and
and write down all the different things that you lost.
Not physically like, so they come in and steal your stuff.
Like we're not talking about physical things that they took,
but what did you lose internally?
So hypothetically, you would lose security, you would lose
clarity of like, how did they get in?
Like I thought I locked everything, you know.
And so you, you list down the all of these things.
One of my crises, I had 40 of them.
It was, it was quite intense. And then what we did is we sat
down to each of those words that we named.
There were losses and we sat through and we had all these
graphs and things that help us with that.
But I think you can do that to an extent yourself without these
sorts of tools is to be thinking through through every loss.
There's a grief process. So you would sit down, you like,
how am I feeling about this word?
So if it's clarity, how am I sitting in general with the word
clarity and how do I feel in general about the word clarity
and what that did? And we won't go into too much of
that because that's, you know, we spent a week addressing these
things, right? But what that did for us was
removed the the size of the issue.
So for this guy, for example, it's this huge issue of I'm
insecure because she, you know, speaks in a different way than
me, more upper class sort of stuff, whatever.
It's removing that to be more like identifying why is this a
trigger for him? Why is this actually making
insecurity for him is so it could be simply, you know,
actually clarity I'm feeling pretty good with, but security I
don't. So it's it's really narrowing
down. So when these triggers.
Back up again, I've actually got more of an understanding of
what's going on so I can be in a more sound mind to address that
and put things in place to to work on that.
And I see that is a big part of insecurities is is so disarming
it's disarming to us. And so if we can disarm the
situation, I feel like we're, yeah, it just loses a lot of its
power, a lot of its. Weight, and I mean insecurities
are insecurities aren't based on truth, not a true fact that then
makes you insecure. There are there impacted by your
situation, your experiences, but doesn't it's not a true thing
that you can like this is not tangible.
I don't know if that makes sense.
And so these things, but they become huge and they control us.
And so having a little bit of clarity around them takes the
power away, hmm, and helps you see through them.
So you can start to address and adjust your behaviour and your
reactions to them and then eventually rebuild those new
neuropathways, neural, neural pathways, neuro neuropathways.
We smart, we smart, we smart. Talk going here.
We talk smart over here. We talk over here.
Anyway, That's yeah. So if you haven't listened to
our last episode chat where we talk and reflect about our week
in New Zealand doing this debrief, check it out because
there's a lot of stuff that might, may come up in this
episode reflecting back. But also it's probably good to
just have a bit of a a more in depth summary.
And also on our Patreon we go into even more.
In depth, in depth or. We go to a more depth.
At least this guy can feel like he's in good company.
He doesn't have to just come listen to the party.
Check out the Patreon. Yeah, we go deeper.
Yeah, do that. Best of luck to this man.
Best of luck. Hey guys, just wanted to pop in
and take a SEC to talk about the extra content you can find over
on our Patreon and our Spotify subscription.
We have a fun little community growing over there with extra
episodes, extra stories. We're also gonna have resources,
messages back and forth, and also submitting listener stories
through that portal as well. So sorry, outro theme.
Themes If you want to be a part of our closer knit community
here at Honey, we need to chat. Please hop on over to Patreon or
Spotify subscriptions and join us there.
We would love to see you. Thanks guys.
Thanks, moving on, I-43 male accidentally insulted my
partner. 43, female and now she has remained cold ever since and
she wears sweats all the time now.
I find that so funny because that's in his title.
Yeah, really. That's just the title.
She wears wearing. Sweats right now, man.
I know I'm wearing jeans actually.
So I'm better than you. Yeah, actually someone commented
on Blair St sweats on her TikTok yesterday or today.
Like this this real this. TikTok hits harder when you
realise he's still wearing a stripper sweats because they're
grey sweatpants anyway. Unless it's something I don't.
Know I'm a stripper. He's seen you before.
Classic. Anyway, let's go back to the
story. We have been a couple for seven
years. I only now realise we both view
her very differently. From my perspective, she's never
been interested in fashion at all, always wears black jeans,
she has dozens of black tops. She doesn't wear makeup, doesn't
get her nails done, only does root touch ups.
And I love her and don't care about this at all.
Why the naming it then? It's very special, I know.
Also, I'm insulted by how accurate the description of me
is. No, it's not.
From her perspective, apparently she dresses elegantly and
minimalistic. She says she is always wearing
no makeup. Makeup.
I guess she means mascara? I'm not sure.
She says she pays the salon every month to colour her hair
or it would be grey. Reason this all came up is that
we met with friends and one of the women is very fashionable,
always done up. I had mentioned in passing to my
to my partner that I loved that she wore vibrant colours.
My partner had said she personally isn't a fan of bright
colours and in the past and she's tried to wear them, she
doesn't like how it looks. I told her if I was a beautiful
woman I'd wear bright colours for attention and that's
probably why our friend does it. Anyway, this was the gist of the
conversation. If my partner was getting upset,
I wasn't picking up on it at all.
I honestly don't even recall what I was saying that made her
mad, but she ended up annoyed with something.
I was truly confused but we ended up in an argument.
I told her that based on how she looks, I had no idea she cared
about her looks or fashion. She was just getting really
angry at me, which tends to make me mad too.
So I told her that if she cares that much, to my surprise, that
she should present herself better.
She insisted I tell her what I meant and so I told her that she
dresses boring and it makes her look old and dumpy.
I didn't realise read this story in its entirety.
Will fire out brussel sprout? She insisted I tell her what I
meant and so I told her that she dresses boring and it makes her
look old and dumpy. I also told her I don't care at
all but since she appears to, she should try to dress more
fashionable. This was three weeks ago and she
was very angry with me. Now she is not angry but she's
remained cold and she now has taken to dressing in sweatpants
slash sweatshirts. She says she won't be dressing
nice around me anymore, but I never thought she was dressed
nice in the first place. OHT deed.
Obviously I put my foot in my mouth and I have apologised but
she doesn't care. She says she won't forget what I
said. I really just want her to drop
this. Is this something that needs
therapy or just time? I think someone needs therapy so
much about this, so much about this, but just to point out the
insecurity side of it, the if I was if you had, which you never
would, but if you said this. I choose life.
You choose life. If you said even a fraction of
this to me, I can see where it would prick my insecurities.
So he obviously is very unaware of what she puts into.
If she's saying she's going to the salon and she's saying she's
wearing no makeup, makeup, as a man, he needs to just trust that
because men have no men, generally speaking, have no
idea. Men right there, now we've had
this couple had. This conversation.
Was it yesterday? Yeah, just.
Recently anyway recently we had this conversation you showed me
a real of a lady saying that she would always get comments by.
Guys. Saying that, oh, you look so
natural. So natural and beautiful, yeah.
And she'd had Botox, she'd had her cheeks done, she'd had all
this work done. Was wearing heavy makeup.
Heavy makeup and all this sort of stuff and she's like, guys
have zero clue. She was saying it was a joke.
Yeah, it was a joke, but like, guys have zero clue about what's
actually involved with women putting, yeah, you know, putting
themselves together, whatever. So, yeah, I mean, that's that's
the first thing is like, and I, I don't, I'm not going to claim
that. I do understand, like you said
to me, what guy probably needs to do to dress up whatever is
get changed, trim his beard or if he's got it or shave do his
hair. Maybe have a shower and smell
nice and wear nice clothes. Yeah, because we were talking
about this in Auckland while we were sitting in Starbucks,
people watching waiting for a friend and I was just feeling so
frumpy because I was in my literally the clothes.
You saw me in my whole week on the story.
Yeah, it was in my sweatpants and my sweatshirt and I just was
like, man, there was all these posh people walking around and
then I was looking at the men that they were with, these posh
women, I should say. And then the men that they were
with were just there weren't like they didn't look bad.
But my philtre for what? About what looks appropriate or
put together for a man. I realised in that moment was so
different to my philtre for a woman.
And we were talking about this like what it would take for a
guy to be like today. I'm gonna feel, I'm gonna dress
up. It's like a two minute extra.
Process. For a woman to do that is so
much more time, like literally an hour kind of thing.
And if I was to act like you do in the morning, get ready for my
day, I would have a shower. I would pick my clothes, put
deodorant on and perfume on and walk out of our bedroom and be
ready. But Amy that has just had a
shower and done those things doesn't look like even Amy
tonight. The Amy is a different.
That's a different Amy. That would be frizzy hair.
That would be hair in a slicked up, wet, messy bun.
Yeah, that would be Amy that gets told she's tired all day
because she doesn't have makeup on.
And that's the days of people tell you you're tired because
you don't have makeup on. So.
And and I put on a wholly and put on a hat that.
You often look nice that it's like, oh look nice.
So it's just, it is what it is. It's a pain point for me.
But in saying all of that, he has no idea.
It's she's saying she's got no makeup makeup and she's saying
she goes to the salon. Just believe her.
Hmm. Whether she does or nothing.
So going right back to the beginning, he is unaware of how
she puts in I'm. How are you doing?
Are you triggered right? Now maybe I should try and
figure out why so triggered. I know why I'm triggered.
He has no idea what she puts into her appearance.
He's listed at all what he thinks it is, and then he's
listened to what she says it is. So obviously he's clueless.
Which to me translates that he probably doesn't also encourage
her much in that because he's not very impressed by it even
though he doesn't care at all. So she's probably coming from a
perspective of he doesn't really pay much attention to how I
look. And if she is putting effort in,
that's even harder because then it's like not only am I actually
putting effort in, but he's also not even noticing.
And then he's commented on their friend who is fashionable and he
said, I like that she wears bright colours, which is the
opposite to this girl's style. And that's valid that someone
enjoys bright colours. When we got together, I went
still. I wear black a lot and you were
like you should try to put some colours into your thing and
that's totally fine. And I have it was an insecurity
that I was wearing black, but it's valid to be like it's nice
the bright colours. Hmm.
And then he says if I was a beautiful woman, I would wear
bright colours too. That's probably why she does it.
Which straight away to my brain is like, OK, because she's a
beautiful woman and so she's wearing bright colours and
that's helping her be a beautiful woman.
I don't do that. I'm not beautiful woman.
Don't say it, man. Just don't even know where to go
for. Dinner either.
And some of these are like, they're just smack you in the
face. You're like, did he just say
that? Yeah.
And then it's like what we say about that?
Yeah, don't say that. You're on your own, man.
Yeah, yeah. We can't even workshop it
because it just wouldn't happen. But I guess from like trying to
take away the annoyance of the story, there have been things
that you haven't understood about how I present myself or
how I don't. And so from a male perspective,
how would you try to navigate this situation in a better, more
constructive way? Well, like if I had an issue
with how you. Dress well, if you thought, oh,
she doesn't actually put much effort into.
He says he doesn't care, but he's also noted these things
down. So if you're like, she doesn't
seem to like put much effort in, which is not a moral thing.
No, straight away I would say. And again, this has changed and
this is what you've brought to my life is be curious, you know,
like, find out, well, what does she do?
Right. So she says she does the selling
like, oh, cool. Like what?
Tell me about that. You know, what does that look
like? Like, what's that process?
You know, all this sort of stuff is just start off by being
curious. And if if through that is
there's still an issue. I think it's I don't know, man.
Like, yeah, I, I don't know what to do from that point.
I think if you show interest in someone, they kind of want to
get better at the thing that you're interested in.
You know what I mean? Like, so for example, what
interests do you have in me? What interest do you have in me?
Put me on this, lots of interest in you.
So hypothetically, right, So not hypothetically.
So when I picked up bass guitar, right there was an interest for
you for when I picked that up and you were curious about what
I'm learning, how I'm learning, all this sort of stuff as a
curiosity there. And that actually inspired me to
get better at bass guitar. I'm not great at it, Phil, but
maybe because you lost interest in it.
No, but there's a, there's an element of inspiring me.
So I think curiosity is a huge part of that.
From there, I don't know, man. I don't have the answer for
that. And I think it's situational.
But if you're not curious, if you're just accusational, it's
the wrong approach to start. With firstly, I'm very curious
and my husband, I'm super curious about what you do work,
how all these structures. And that's what I mean like in
this that inspires me. Yeah, and I'm curious about what
was more so about Call of Duty. Yeah, and then you realise I
used you as a human shield. Yeah, it was so.
You kept giving away our Playstations and then buying a
new one. Yeah, I was trying to kick a
habit. And then you'd be like generous
and just give it all, all your games and everything and then.
It was ruining our marriage. I would use you as a human
shield. You started up before even.
Engaged, but yes. It works.
I think your curiosity comment is really key.
Well, I made too many kids in that, but I think it's really
key because, and there has been times where I don't remember
what the context was. I think it was when you were
working out of the house and I've raised with you, like you
don't ask me much about my day and you were like, well, I just
kind of know what you're doing. And so and and then I had said
to you, well, you don't really know what I'm doing.
Like, you know that I'm at home with the kids, but I would ask
you all the time about what your day was, how you talked about.
You've gotten way better at that, but it was kind of like
all that just wasn't really a thing that you thought about.
It wasn't something that you were curious about.
You weren't intentionally putting effort, especially at
the end of the day when you're tired into being like, what was
Amy's day? Like, what did she do?
Even things that like, I know this stuff's not interesting to
you, especially back then, I was like maybe going for a coffee
with someone, probably just at home, like there wasn't much to
talk about, but I would always be having conversations with
people and that kind of thing. So I think when you, and this
happens a lot in relationships, you start to just fall into
complacency, complacency if you're not careful.
And so you just become these two people just like spinning in
your little orbits and your lives overlap at home, but they
don't necessarily overlap outside of that.
And if you're not careful, you just become these two
independent orbits, just spinning these little satellites
out in the world and you're together, but not really.
And so especially in this kind of thing where he's like, these
are the things she doesn't do. And then she's like, I do go to
the salon. He doesn't need to be like, yes,
she went to the salon on June 4th at 10:00 AM.
But just being like, oh, she went to salon.
How was it? Or like, what did you get done?
Or even just registering she's going to the seller today.
Or if he doesn't even know she's going to sell it today, maybe
just say, what did you do today? And having those little bits of
it, curiosity, build your togetherness and your interest
in each other and tell you a lot more about each other.
So then he's not for one thing, assuming things.
And then also if he is picking up a pattern like you said,
where something's off and he's like she's not taking much pride
in what she looks like, which is not a bad thing, but could be a
trigger for or maybe something's going on for her.
Then he knows those things. He could be more delicate.
Yeah, it's a I've got two things.
One is if we went to the Four Horsemen, what would be her
response after that? Would that be stonewalling?
Of its stonewalling because he doesn't say anything about what
she said. Well, it's essentially like
where she's now putting in, not putting in any.
Effort. Yeah, No.
Yeah, yeah. So I'm not sure what that is, if
that's doing, what kind of what they?
Were stonewalling would be like shutting down and not talking
about it. So who knows what's happened
between it happening in this. But yeah, I guess it's kind of,
it would kind of fall into defensiveness or stonewalling,
but disconnect, absolutely. I really enjoyed that episode.
So I like to take these scenarios and be like, oh, which
one would this sort of Jonah just gives up the little bit
more pattern pattern there as well.
The other part too, you're talking about how you're asking
questions and so forth. And I remember there was a
moment where for you know, when I said, I already know what
you're doing about your day. I think we can get into this
right as well. And like, I know everything
about you. There's nothing new about you,
but we're not looking for these massive like brand new things
like you. We don't.
We probably won't get that anymore that brand new.
Thing I want that. That would be scary at this.
Stage and exactly right, but my point is like people sort of
romanticise that it's like I don't have that anymore.
So I lose this curiosity. But you actually I learned new
things about you every single day because your life isn't the
same every single day and then micro new things.
You've learned something new, you know, even through a
conversation you've had or real that you've watched or whatever
else, like there's always something new to learn.
So again, I think it's, and this isn't a shame thing to say like,
oh, you know, guys, you're not being as curious or, or ladies
not being as curious to your partners.
It's not a shame thing. We're not wanting to shame
people, but it's a learned art, you know, I mean, I had to learn
that I had to, I really had to put in effort on the way home
coming from work about alright, what questions can I ask?
Because it, it's, it's genuinely like otherwise my mind would
just be blank because I'm assuming I know what you're
doing and you have to really think about how to be curious.
It's quite a fascinating thing that you it's not naturally,
let's be curious for some people, but you can learn it and
it's really, really important to learn it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the more you can work out
because yeah, there might not be new things happening every day,
but there's new things going on in your partners brain everyday
and how they are processing and thinking and.
The other part too is again, having these conversations about
what are you trying to grow in, What are you trying to work on?
Because that is going to be new every single day as as as long
as the journey goes on. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. I think as well with this, just
to wrap it up, I think, you know, the damage is done.
She's obviously not OK and she's not just gonna magically be OK
and drop it. It's just not gonna happen.
And if it does, that's not actually a good sign either.
That's pushing something away. If I was him, I would just be
like, I am really sorry. Obviously I cracked an
insecurity or I pricked. I said something that I didn't
mean the meaning of. I didn't mean to intend certain
things, didn't realise that that stuff was important to you, and
I'm sorry that I didn't even know that.
So start, just start by being like super humble.
You've put your foot in it so many ways even in writing this
Reddit story, man. You put your foot in the pooper.
Yeah, it's all in there. It's all in in there.
But doesn't have to stay there, you can bring it back just do it
quickly. Moving on to the next story. 30
Female wife is offended because I 36 male ignore her during TV
show. This doesn't happen.
Maybe it was 33 female. It's offended because I, 36
male, ignored her. My wife, 30 female and I, 36
male, have been together for almost three years.
This is my second marriage and it's her first.
We're past the honeymoon phase and we're trying to figure out
life together. Now that the shine has dulled a
little bit. I'm so thankful to have her in
my life. She's a wonderful partner and I
hate the possibility of hurting her.
But even unintentionally, lately we've been having the same
disagreement over my attention level while we're watching a
show. She will make a comment
sometimes about the show, sometimes not.
More often than not, I will not hear her.
It's not that she's not talking loud enough, because last night
she said she was practically yelling at me.
I didn't hear any of it. I was way too focused on the
episode we were watching. What was the show though like
that? That has to be said.
As you get a background, this is something I have dealt with my
entire life. As a kid, I would sit down and
read a book. People would talk to me and I
simply wouldn't hear them. They would have to come up real
close and yell my name or tap me to get attention.
It was a point of contention in my first marriage as well.
This only happens when we're watching TV.
I try to be quite attentive most of the time, mainly because one
of the things that attracted me to her most was that we could
talk about anything for hours. I really enjoy talking with her
and it makes me sad that she is trying to talk with me and I am,
albeit unintentionally, ignoring her.
And I have absolutely no qualms about talking during a show.
I do it myself sometimes. I've considered trying to get a
referral to see a psychiatrist for an ADHD evaluation, but she
thinks that I'm taking it to an extreme and they should be able
to just hear her. Another part of this is that it
isn't consistent in other people's houses.
With other people, I don't have this issue.
I think that it's a comfort thing.
My brain has sought up the information about my
surroundings at home and shuts down everything apart from the
TV. She seems to take it personally
that she's the reason. It was particularly frustrating
to her when a few months back she mentioned that an actor on
the show we were watching was in another one of our shows.
I didn't respond and shortly afterwards I said to her
essentially the same thing about the actor.
She got a little mad and said are you kidding me?
I just said that I apologise and said I didn't hear her but I do
wonder if she believes me. I want to validate my wife's
feelings about not being heard, but I have a hard time
separating that from my own feel.
How can I show my wife that I do care about her and want to hear
her, but that in that short time in the evening while watching TV
my body does not want to corrupt cooperate?
This is a very accurate description of our lives.
It's with one of our kids where we're trying to get him help.
One of them does also do this, but I know where he got it.
I see. I relate to this.
Obviously, I very much relate to this and it's I don't know how
to explain it. Like I remember, I think it was
this year, I was sitting and watching TV and all of a sudden
I've got all I have you and all the kids are staring at me and
yelling. I'm like, what?
And I'm like, what is going on? And they're like, we've just
been yelling your name for a long time.
I don't know how to explain it. Like I genuinely don't.
It's just like you just go tunnel vision.
I just go tunnel vision and there's I don't know, I don't
know how to explain it. And I've heard today ADHD thing
and we've been curious about whether if that's something that
I might struggle with. We never got tested or anything,
but we just had seen the, the symptoms of it.
And I just took so many, so many of those boxes.
So yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
I understand. I can understand how that'd be
frustrating. I can understand him.
I'm thankful that even though it's frustrating to you, you
still see the humour in it. It's because I think you know
me, you know, you know, I'm not intentionally ignoring you, but
I think, I think I don't think it's a bad thing that he wants
to go get tested and to bring answers.
I actually applaud that because again, you and I have spoken
about how rare it is for guys to actually get the help that they
seek. You know, they'll identify
something, but then to do something about it is actually
quite rare from what we've seen. Not not going off any stats or
anything. So I actually applaud him for
doing that. Yeah.
Just being curious about himself and being like, this is not OK.
I don't want to treat her like this.
I want to do something in it. I don't know how he could bring
it up any any better than what he has.
I think I would absolutely, if he feels driven too, I would
absolutely be getting tested. I I'm intrigued by her apparent
reaction to that. And I was thinking it could be,
and this is kind of the insecurity for this story was
one how he might be insecure about what's going on for him.
He's not sure what's happening, But also she seems triggered by
this, like she's, which would be annoying, but she seems
triggered by it too. So I'm not sure what's happening
there. But I did think that some people
could look at a diagnosis of something and then be like, oh,
cool, That's why I can just ignore you now.
And so I'm wondering if her reaction is a little bit like,
oh, if he, if he just trying to blame it on a HD and he's gonna
go get a diagnosis and then and then it'll be like, I can't hear
when I'm watching TV. Yeah.
And the thing that he pointed out where he can do it around
certain people, I think like when he's out of the house,
which his explanation made a lot of sense to me when he was like,
you know, at home, everything's normal.
I'm not like alert where it would be outside the house, but
that would be hurtful for her because you'd be like, you can
make it happen for other people. So are you just not putting the
effort in to make it happen? For me, and I know it seems like
a semi small thing, like it's just while they're watching TV,
but it is really frustrating to just not be heard.
It's really difficult. I think I think is another level
to it for you as well though, because our kids have just
started ignoring you. But like actually ignoring you.
It's not like they can't hear you, they just won't answer.
You have did you hear me talking to them today?
No. I was in the bathroom cutting
one of the the oldest ones hair and I can't remember what I said
to him and I was like it's like he just didn't hear it.
And then oht cause they kept saying stop which is fair
enough. He was sitting there for a very
long time as like don't move and then he would like clap his
hands or something like don't move.
I don't know how else to say don't move.
And he's like sorry I just keep forgetting.
And I was like, but it feels like I'm invisible sometimes.
Which obviously the seven year old doesn't understand this but
genuinely I'm a little bit like, does my voice impact anyone's
life? So it is a bit more triggering.
And yes, recently I don't know what their deal is.
Two oldest ones in. Particular that all three of
them, all the three older ones, I, I remember our daughter just
lying on the ground and trying to talk to her and she's just
looking at you and just like flipping her leg, legs around
and stuff and she's just looking at you and you're like, can you
hear me? And she's just looking at you.
She's not answering. At all.
It's so funny though because there was at the beginning of
our relationship and you are so much better at this now.
I would ask you something and then you just wouldn't respond.
But it was because you were looking it up or you were trying
to think like I'd ask it again cause I thought you didn't hear
me. And you're like, oh, I'm trying
to think. And I'm like, so could you not
have told me? I just feel like I can't
remember what it is like is that I can't remember an example, but
something like, is that the person that, that you're meeting
later and then you just be quiet?
Is that the person you mean? I'm just trying to figure it out
OK? Yeah.
Like you didn't, you didn't respond or register.
And like I'm just used to people being like ohhhhh, yeah, I'll
check or some sort of registering.
So I wonder if they get it from someone.
Well, I don't know what you're saying.
And it is a weird, it is that kind of thing is different.
And obviously, we've derailed this conversation now.
But but again, going back to what you mentioned before her
triggers and again being curious and this is where I think they
can do together though, is not to not to move away from her
struggle. Like it's good to validate her
struggle with this situation, but at the same time, it would
be good to explore why it's triggering her, triggering her
so much. Yeah, you get frustrated.
You do get frustrated when it happens, but you also see the
humour. It's not as much of A trigger
for you. You don't take it personally.
I think you might have to start. With initially, before I
understood a bit of what was happening, yeah, it was like,
hello. Yeah.
Am I here? She's your voice.
Just break. Hello.
So yeah, having that curiosity around her situation as well.
So again, I think, I think for a lot of these things, it's so
easy to look at one person. Yeah, you know, and just be
because again, this is not the big thing that we've been doing
even before New Zealand, but New Zealand was that times ten was a
situation comes up, either I've done something or, or like I I
have a trigger that affects you, but then what does that mean for
you then? So it's not just one.
It's good to identify why that's triggered for me and why I've
reacted in that way, but then it's also good to explore how
that affects you and because now that's triggering you.
Yeah. And that's a really hard but
good exercise to do and just unpack that and to have that
culture of curiosity, figuring that out during deep.
One thing that really stood out to me when we were doing the
process in New Zealand was they explained this.
I don't remember what the like the drawing was called, but
basically it's the cycle of hurt.
Yeah. So an injustice is done to one
person intentionally, unintentionally, or it's just
perceived as injustice from the victim.
And then there's this reaction that often happens if it's not
dealt with, where injustice is done in response.
So backwards. So either you then lash out and
cause injustice or hurt or pain to the person that just hurt you
or you kind of put it on to someone else like you, you,
you're triggered and you're frustrated and hurt and so you
snap. That happens a lot with my kids.
I, if I'm stressed by something that is not related to them at
all and they're around me when I'm like reading the text or I'm
on the phone or I'm like thinking about it, whatever it
is, I often find myself really snappy at them, which is not
fair. And it really bothers me that I
do that and I'm trying to work on it.
But that's a good example of you.
You're hurt. So then you hurt.
You hear that phrase all the time.
Hurt people, hurt people. And so one thing that we pointed
out while we were talking and debriefing with them was some of
the stuff that we're navigating and working on healing from were
hurt by that thing. And so then we put up boundaries
or we put up reactions or whatever it might be.
And sometimes that can include things like stonewalling.
So that was one example we had was like we're hurt, then we're
just not responding because we're too hurt and triggered to
deal with it. And then that actually can look
like a hurt to the other person, so that the initial person may
or may not have meant to hurt, they've hurt you.
And then if you're like stonewalling or you're reacting
out of that, you could look like, especially if they didn't
realise that they hurt you in the 1st place, it could look
like you're just hurting them out of the blue.
They're like what's going on? But really it's a reaction.
So it's just this cycle and it's more complicated the way I
explain it. But so when you're looking at
relationships that navigate hurt, and a lot of the stories
we read, almost all of them have some form of hurt that's been
done, It's really easy, like you said, to just look at one side.
But the reality is most relationships end up in places
because of this kind of cycle of hurt.
And you haven't broken it, like you haven't dealt with that pain
and that hurt and the loss in that instance.
So it's just gone back and back. And it's like a ping pong.
It's like just circle that just goes round and round.
And it's too complicated to pick who's at fault.
And it's not helpful to pick who's at fault.
So I think, yeah, it's it's a really important thing when you
are navigating something, especially when there's
insecurity that may mean that a reaction or the way you take
something in isn't even logical externally, really important to
look at how you've reacted, how the other person's reacted, what
might be playing into it for both sides so that you've got a
big picture of it all and you can navigate.
I feel like that will help you navigate.
And it's helped us navigate a lot better than if it's just
Blair you've been doing, this thing's hurt me, so you fix it.
Like there's so much, so much that goes into disagreements and
hurts that make it so much more complex.
So I think, yeah, I think with this one, I don't know.
I think if this was us and it was just like, OK, it's super
specific TV time. You don't respond to me and it's
I know it's seems small, but it's just really hurting me.
I think we'd put something in place so either like, I don't
know because my brain doesn't work this way.
In my head I'm like, could he just be like, OK, TV time, pay
attention. Like almost pay more attention
to her than the TV intentionally?
Like would that help? Have you had times where?
I have to I sorry I still struggle if there's something on
as well, doesn't matter if it's you or not.
If it's something else on, I'm distracted so I love you.
I don't like questions when I'm trying to listen to a song.
This song. Yeah, so we, we, we just drive.
Oh yeah. In New Zealand.
So when we listen, we listening to the song or something and
it's like, yes, I'm feeling the song.
Like it's my groove, Like it's a it's a really cool song.
And then you start talking to me.
I'm like, I can't do both. It isn't my jam, man.
This is my jam and I have to break that and I listen to you.
So I actually turn it down. I don't know if you know, it's
like every time I turn it down because you're talking and I
can't do both. Don't listen to me.
I have music on and you talk at the same time, so I have to turn
it down. Even if it's just a little bit.
Me turning it down is like it breaks, breaks my concentration
from the song to you and some of the TV.
I can't if the TV is on, it is very hard for my attention to be
on you. And it's not a matter of it's
not a matter of priority, it's just more I can't multitask.
Like especially if there's a specific scene that's about to
happen and I'm like, oh, what's going to happen?
And you start talking, I'm like, I might, it's real wrestle for
my brain. Just switch across.
It's like, it's like, yeah, it's like an actual block there to,
to go across. It's not a Oh yeah, you're
talking now you've got my full attention.
It's really hard for me to do that.
So I have to, I have to. So in some way, sometimes I slap
my leg. I would as well.
Don't know if you noticed that. So and watching TV and I've I
can tell that you're talking and I have no idea what you're
saying. So I'll kind of just like this
and I'll just brush my legs and I that's me turning and then
I'll look at you. And I was like, hey, cool.
It's got my attention from that to you.
That's crazy. Wow, Good good self something.
Well. Good things that you found.
It's not great cause I keep getting turned back to it but
it's just like I'm not sure if I can do an action.
It helps break that focus. Do you remember when you started
doing this slapping thing or anything like that?
I think when I when we noticed that I zoned.
Out I just. No, no, there has been more
recently. Yeah, so funny though, because
when I'm watching something I'm not, I'm almost never fully
like. I'm fully like, the room is
there, the people are. There so I that's why I
struggled to hear things, you know, and because I have
struggled with hearing and This is why I don't know fully know
if it's my hearing, if there's a lot of noise going on, I can't
focus my attention and this is what so I, I got my ears tested
when I was a kid and because I had struggle troubles hearing
and then I got my ears tested and their actual diagnosis was
more that I struggled to pay attention.
It's not my hearing because I've got my tested.
I heard everything anyway, I had no, I didn't miss a beat.
Just feels so isolated. The hearing was like the test
was so isolated. If I've got a lot of noise
around me, I'm just, I just can't focus on what's being
said. Yeah.
So a lot of times I'll be like, huh, what?
Like, but I or I have a weird look.
I feel like I've got a weird look on my face a lot of the
times wearing group settings cause I have no clue what people
are saying. Yeah, yeah, you kind of just
look stoned in the corner. I mean, I mean, yeah, that was a
was affecting it too. Sometimes I just come up to you
and you're. Yeah.
Do you just give up or something like or do you just like?
Do you sit? There I think I'm trying, I'm
trying to focus and figure out what people are talking about
and then I just come out with. Did a really inappropriate time.
Yeah. Yeah, that makes me sad for you,
baby, but it is. It is what it is.
But I think I was just thinking when you're talking, one thing
we could do, because I've also started turning the music down
if I need to talk because I need you to hear me.
So one thing I think we could do if we were in this situation is
I could pause it if I had. If you touch me, it would break
my attention. Yeah.
So it's it's it's very much a touch.
And if you touch me, it's, it's more helpful, like if you put
your hand on me or something. Yeah.
And started talking and like, it gave it a little squeeze or
whatever. Yeah.
That would help me break my. Attention from it so in tonight
guys and I think that would be helpful for them too if they
could find if he's genuinely like it's not an intentional
thing and I think whatever is going on for her, she's got a
process that then if they can come to an agreement that will
help him hear her but also help her understand he's not just
going to like. And help him understand her.
And, and understanding each other like I know everybody's
got different plans on getting diagnosis.
We haven't done anything for you just because we don't have the
time and and and or the. Money.
Apparently it's like a huge. Huge loan.
Yeah, it's really complicated, which is kind of sad, but it's
also a complicated test, I think so.
And I'm not good at tests. Which is probably probably they
don't have a hard one for radiation.
Yeah, they. Probably made it work for people
with it, or maybe that's how I figure out you've got it.
But anyway, I think if we needed you to, and we would do it with
our kids if we needed, if we were like, OK, now we're at the
stage where we really need some kind of external support with
this, then we would do that. And we've definitely within our
kids, I think we're seeing some people, some of them might have
similar things, which is beautiful.
I genuinely mean that. I think it's a really beautiful
thing to understand. And I think for them, if he, it
could be just a matter of, it seems like they function really
well every other way. So it could be just a matter of
finding something that works like like that her putting his
hand on her hand on his knee or something like that.
But if he's really feeling distressed by it or it's causing
more issues than I think having a really honest conversation
with her about like, I'm genuinely thinking that I've got
something that's affecting my attention.
And so I actually really would like to look into it and just
being very honest with her about that process.
I'm sure with time she would be able to kind of understand that
if she's willing to be curious. And yeah, and supportive of her
partner then I'm sure that would be something they can work
through. Yeah, good one and applicable.
Give me the. IPad let's I'll try this guy.
And just like that, we've unpacked another layer of our
complex selves. Today's chat in on insecurities
has hopefully shed some light on those shadowy doubts that can
sneak into the best of us. Remember, it's not about being
perfect, It's about being honest and gentle with ourselves and
each other. Take what we've discussed,
embrace your vulnerabilities, and turn them into strengths.
Thanks for joining us on Honey. We need to chat.
Until next time, keep supporting each other, keep loving deeply,
and remember we're all perfectly imperfect.
Can't even laugh at that one. That's so a job chapatti.
Thanks guys. Good chat.
See ya.