1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,880 You know those aha moments when you suddenly have an insight 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:05,520 into yourself that you didn't have before and you're left 3 00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:08,760 wondering how did I get so far into my life and not realise 4 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:12,000 this one aspect of how I work? Well, I'm hoping that today's 5 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,120 episode will be one of those moments for all of us as we 6 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:18,320 spend some time reflecting on our own approaches in our 7 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:26,220 relationship. We need to chat. 8 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,680 Welcome back to Honey We Need to Chat, the podcast all about 9 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,480 communication in relationships. We believe that when 10 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,320 communication dies, bad things happen. 11 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,880 And as you can tell, it is just me here today. 12 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:45,520 If you've been following along on our social media, you may 13 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,280 have seen Blair on his little journey. 14 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,520 He's had quite an adventure up to Queensland and he has left me 15 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,800 here alone. But we had an incredible 16 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:58,040 opportunity this week to be nominated for the CM AA Awards 17 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,880 as emerging talent and I am extremely excited to tell you 18 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:06,200 guys that we won in our category, so that is huge. 19 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,240 Blair had the opportunity to actually go up to Queensland and 20 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,760 be a part of that event. It's been a conference over the 21 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:13,920 last few days and he is on his way home now. 22 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,160 But because of that, we did not have an opportunity to record 23 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,960 together, hence me being here alone. 24 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,800 Now here's a few things. We have spoken about my coaching 25 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,600 content many, many times on the podcast. 26 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,360 I have done some coaching sessions and I've run us through 27 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,600 some of those resources also on our website at Honey we need to 28 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,280 chat.com. There are a number of coaching 29 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,440 relationship related resources available. 30 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,680 But if you've been around a while, you'll also know that 31 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,240 we've been mentioning some coaching specific content that 32 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,120 should be coming out very soon on the channels. 33 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,280 So we thought instead of rushing to try and get an episode 34 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,040 recorded together when he's home, we would take this 35 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,760 opportunity for me to run you guys through some coaching, some 36 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,480 more, more intentional reflection that you can do on 37 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,360 your own to start to work on your relationship and work on 38 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,800 yourself. We have just completed a 39 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,400 relationship Reset miniseries, and I thought this was a great 40 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,120 opportunity to kind of tie some of these things together and 41 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,000 bring some practical reflection through. 42 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,680 So we're going to be doing things a little bit differently 43 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,320 today. Today I want to take you on a 44 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:15,240 little bit of a journey as we step through a case study story 45 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,960 and work on how curiosity actually impacts relationships. 46 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,640 We're going to explore what goes on for you with curiosity. 47 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,800 We're going to put in some practical steps in terms of 48 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,320 helping you implement a curious attitude to your relationship. 49 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,920 Curiosity is one of the most underrated approaches you can 50 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,280 have in your relationship and one of the biggest game changers 51 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,880 when it comes to strengthening communication and tackling 52 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:37,560 conflict. It changes everything. 53 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:39,760 Curiosity softens the the way you see your partner. 54 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,640 It softens your approach to difficulties, to challenges. 55 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,320 It softens the way you see yourself, the way you approach 56 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,480 yourself. And without it, we slip into 57 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,280 judgement, we slip into assumptions, we slip into 58 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,960 damaging patterns like the Four Horsemen. 59 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,760 We've spoken about that on the podcast a lot. 60 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:59,360 That can really lead us down a difficult track to come back 61 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,520 from in our relationships. With curiosity, we open up. 62 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,680 Without it, we close and that's really the core of it. 63 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,120 So today we're going to explore curiosity more. 64 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,960 I want to give you more than just a theory. 65 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,280 I want to give you a practical example of this, and I want to 66 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,400 give you questions and things to challenge yourself on to really 67 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,800 reflect on how curiosity plays out for yourself. 68 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,000 And I want you to notice while we're doing this episode, I 69 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,040 really want you to notice. That's the word I've got for 70 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,160 today is notice. Notice where these things sit in 71 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,240 your body. Notice how your body reacts to 72 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,520 some of the stuff we're going to talk about. 73 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:31,720 Notice what your default is, notice what's going on for 74 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:34,320 yourself, and notice what patterns you guys might be in in 75 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,760 your relationship as we tackle some of these examples. 76 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,200 So we're going to start with an example. 77 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:42,000 On this podcast, we sometimes read through Reddit stories, so 78 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,880 I found a Reddit story today to get us all on the same page. 79 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,800 I know all of us would have a number of examples we could 80 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,280 think about where curiosity has struggled within our own 81 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,080 relationships, but today I thought I'd start us out by 82 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,680 putting an example story out there that we can focus on for 83 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,200 this episode. Did you know that Honey We Need 84 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,480 a Chat is so much more than weekly podcast episodes? 85 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,040 Follow along our website for free resources you can apply to 86 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,400 your life today, to your relationship today. 87 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,160 Things to help you get unstuck and implement new creative ways 88 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,720 of working on a relationship. We have free resources available 89 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,680 to anybody who signs up on our website. 90 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,920 We also come out with weekly vlogs. 91 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,079 So if you're interested in more behind the scenes footage of 92 00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:24,120 Honey, We Need a chat. Please make sure to check out 93 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,080 our weekly vlogs over on YouTube because we are really enjoying 94 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,880 giving a bit of a a behind the scenes glimpse into the real 95 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,360 life behind Honey. We need to chat. 96 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,880 Also, super excitingly, very soon we'll be having more 97 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,920 coaching content available on YouTube to help you process and 98 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,000 work through your own individual development. 99 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,520 If this is something you're interested to follow along, make 100 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,160 sure you subscribe, click the notification bell so that you 101 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,280 get updates every time we release content and follow along 102 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,800 for more impact and depth. We are not interested in 103 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,160 becoming just more noise out in the world. 104 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,120 We are passionate about providing practical real life 105 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,880 tools that you can implement into your life life and into 106 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,520 your relationship today. So please make sure you're 107 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,360 following along on our other platforms over on our website 108 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,240 and on YouTube for this extra content and extra depth. 109 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,840 Thanks so much guys. So bear with me as I read 110 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:14,240 through this story. My boyfriend and I have been 111 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,120 living together for a few months now and cleaning has become a 112 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,280 huge issue. I do pretty much everything 113 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,800 around the apartment. He'll sometimes do the dishes, 114 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,400 he takes out the trash, and every now and then he sweeps, 115 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:28,040 usually only if I ask him to. To him, that's enough. 116 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,960 When I bought it up once, it turned into a fight because he 117 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,760 felt like he had already done plenty. 118 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,160 I tried to explain that yes, he does do those things sometimes, 119 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,800 but there's still laundry, bathrooms, mopping, wiping down 120 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,320 appliances, dusting, all of the things that actually keep the 121 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,560 place clean. He got defensive so I've avoided 122 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,200 bringing it up again. This morning while I was 123 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,200 working, he texted me asking if I could clean something even 124 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,440 though he was home with hours before work. 125 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,160 That pushed me over the edge. I stayed calm and asked if he 126 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,480 could at least do the thing I'd planned on cleaning during my 127 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,840 break since he wanted me to do something else. 128 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,480 When I checked on my break, it wasn't done. 129 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,560 The truth is, he often gets irrational or angry about small 130 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,280 things and sometimes takes it out on me with attitude or 131 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,400 meanness. So I've started avoiding 132 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,720 confrontation altogether. I know this isn't healthy, but I 133 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,480 don't know how to ask for help without it turning into another 134 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,240 fight. So before we go on, I want you 135 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,120 to just pause. You've heard this story. 136 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,000 I've just read it out to you. It's a classic story. 137 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,320 We've had many of these on the podcast before. 138 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,440 I want you to pause and get your immediate gut reaction to 139 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,360 hearing this story. What are the words, the first 140 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,560 words that pop into your mind? What's the verbal reaction you 141 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,680 would have if this was you in this situation? 142 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,600 If this was your partner, what would you say? 143 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,880 How would you say it? How would your body feel? 144 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,040 What kind of physical response would you have while you're 145 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,240 having this conversation? And like I said before, I just 146 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,360 want you to notice. I want you to notice what's 147 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,080 happening in your body as you put yourself in this, in the 148 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,200 shoes of this person writing the story in, most of us are 149 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,520 probably in the same boat. We probably jumped to 150 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,680 frustration, annoyance, irritation, blame, and that's 151 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:08,960 OK. That's important for us to 152 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,600 notice. That's why I've read this story 153 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,360 out. I want us to have our first gut 154 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,400 instinct. And when I say gut instinct, I 155 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,320 want you to actually think the exact words or even say them out 156 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,240 loud if you're alone, that you would say if you were this 157 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,160 person writing this Reddit story and your partner had done this 158 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,160 situation to you. Once you've got them, hold them 159 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,240 because we're going to come back to that. 160 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:31,000 So that's where I want us to start today in a very human, 161 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,560 very reactive headspace. So we're going to talk about 162 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,640 curiosity. Why is curiosity important? 163 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,800 If you've listened to any of our episodes, you would have heard 164 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,800 us say that word 500 million times. 165 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,360 It's a really common thing that we navigate here on the podcast 166 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:48,600 because curiosity is such a key to navigating difficulties 167 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,680 within relationships and helping communication strengthen. 168 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,400 So why is it important though? There's not, It's not just 169 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,000 because it's nice or it's like a band aid answer. 170 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,840 There's actually a reason why a curious approach is so important 171 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,320 in relationships. Curiosity, the definition of it 172 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:06,640 is a genuine desire to know or learn something. 173 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,200 And so in your relationship context, that looks like 174 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,200 openness, humility, a willingness to discover more 175 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:17,160 about yourself and your partner, flexibility, softness, 176 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,760 listening. So This is why it matters when 177 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:24,600 we get triggered, when we react, like in that cleaning story, if 178 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,440 you're the person, if you're listening to the story and 179 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,600 you're frustrated by it, we're reacting. 180 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:33,840 So when we react, our brain tends to flip into survival 181 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,840 mode, threat mode. That's the amygdala, the fight 182 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,400 flight or freeze. We've talked about that a number 183 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,640 of times. And once you're in that fight 184 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,120 flight or freeze, your actual brain function is impacted. 185 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,760 Once you're in that state, defensiveness takes over. 186 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,600 You're defending yourself. If you go down to the the basics 187 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,080 of what that means, you're feeling threatened and now 188 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,440 you're defending yourself. We might go into blame sarcasm. 189 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,280 We shut down those 4 horsemen play out. 190 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:06,560 That's what happens when we are closed, when we feel threatened, 191 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,040 when we take something on as a threat. 192 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,280 That's what happens to our brains and that impacts our 193 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,840 physical body. That impacts how we navigate the 194 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,000 world around us. The flip side of that is if 195 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,640 we're curious, if we say open, it does something really 196 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,000 different. If we choose curiosity, we 197 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,400 actually keep the prefrontal cortex alive, awake, 198 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,240 functioning. This is the reflective problem 199 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,320 solving part of our brain. So this is the part that thinks 200 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,760 big picture, reflective. It is curious in its own way, 201 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:37,640 reflecting on what's going on, bigger picture problem solving, 202 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:41,160 helping us see through things, think with a more open mind. 203 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,160 So when we can stay curious and soft, we keep this part of our 204 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,280 brain functioning. So that's that's it at its core. 205 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,920 If we are shut down, reactive triggered, the part of our brain 206 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,880 that recognises threats comes to life and it shuts down the 207 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,640 prefrontal cortex, our big picture problem solving the 208 00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:00,200 other way around works as well. If we can keep ourselves open, 209 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,880 flexible, in a state that is calm to think and process, we 210 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,480 can keep this problem solving part of our brain functioning 211 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,760 and we don't resort to the fight, flight or freeze. 212 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,000 We do not react as if we are under threat. 213 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,720 So that's just what happens physically. 214 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,880 That's why it's important. That's why we talk about this 215 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,680 all the time because having that part of your brain functioning 216 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,000 is important for you to understand yourself and 217 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,880 understand what's going on in your relationship. 218 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,920 Doesn't mean things just become easy. 219 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,080 Doesn't mean that the problem itself resolves, but it does 220 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,440 mean that we are more equipped to navigate those things in a 221 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,720 constructive way that's going to bring us closer together. 222 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,160 This goes for everything. This is not just our 223 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,160 relationships. And obviously on this podcast, 224 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,560 we focus on relationships, but you can apply this across the 225 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,200 board. It's also not just the brain. 226 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,440 The brain effects our body. The brain effects how we 227 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,640 navigate the world around us. And so if we're in that state, 228 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,960 it actually physically effects how we're going to navigate 229 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,120 these things that are thrown our way. 230 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,480 You might find yourself in these moments where you're tense, 231 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,640 feeling a certain kind of way, a tightness in your chest, a 232 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,720 clenched jaw, heat rising, something in your gut. 233 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,840 And it's important, like I said before, for us to notice this, 234 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:05,040 for us to recognise these. Because once we have a clear 235 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,320 understanding of what goes on for us physically when this 236 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,600 happens, it is another trigger to help us recognise, oh, hang 237 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,840 on, I'm going into this state of threat. 238 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,640 I'm going into this, this reactive defensive mode and I, I 239 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,440 can feel it coming or I can feel my, my jaw clenching, my, my 240 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,320 fist clenching, whatever it is that for you is your reaction 241 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,000 physically, that's a good trigger for us to recognise. 242 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,760 Oh, hang on, I'm sliding, I'm sliding down this path again. 243 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,680 Let's remember, let's try and bring ourselves out of that. 244 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,640 So notice what happens for you. Flip side is the same. 245 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,960 If you think about what's happening when you're triggered, 246 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,280 the flip side when you're not triggered, when you're open and 247 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,400 calm even in the face of a difficulty, is your body 248 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,680 softens, your jaw probably unclenches, your breathing 249 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:50,160 slows, you might lean in more. Curiosity can shift us from 250 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:54,560 tension to openness and can set us up for success in navigating 251 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,920 difficulties. Relationships will have 252 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,920 challenges. They will because you're two 253 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,880 people. You're 2 completely different 254 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,320 people. Even when you're super similar 255 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,600 personalities, you are two different people navigating the 256 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,120 world around you. And it's not even just you 2. 257 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,920 It's all the circumstances that come into play. 258 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,000 So you will have challenges and that's important and it's 259 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,920 necessary. It's an important and an OK part 260 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:17,640 of relationships. There's nothing wrong with that. 261 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,280 But if you can set yourself up with the softness, set yourself 262 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,200 up to succeed in the face of those challenges, that's how 263 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,520 you're going to see longevity. That's how you're going to have 264 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,680 constructive patterns playing out in your relationship. 265 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:34,280 Hence practising the curiosity. So curiosity is a skill we can 266 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,720 practise, we can hone. You may not be a naturally 267 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,440 curious person, you can become one and we've seen that play out 268 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,640 in our relationship. I am a very curious person. 269 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,640 I don't know if it's a natural thing or something I've just 270 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,480 learned from my upbringing. I am a very curious person in a 271 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,400 lot of different ways and when we got together, Blair and I 272 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,640 were not at the same level of curiosity. 273 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,080 I had other things that I really struggled with that he was a lot 274 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,880 more advanced in, but his curiosity level was something 275 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,080 that he had to start to implement more and more. 276 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,680 His self awareness and his willingness to learn were the 277 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,360 game changers there. The fact that he's been able to 278 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,120 challenge himself to do that and he's recognising importance is 279 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,800 what's meant meant that he's developed that skill now and he 280 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:16,480 is so much more curious now just naturally than he was 11 years 281 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,480 ago when we got together. So it's a skill you can learn. 282 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,720 You may not have it naturally. It's something you can learn. 283 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,760 It's not just something you can learn, it's something that you 284 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,680 should learn and that's why we're doing this today. 285 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,760 You are selfish, you only think about yourself and that is why 286 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,560 your relationship is struggling. When I said that just now, how 287 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,200 did you feel? What did you feel in your body? 288 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,680 Did your chest get tight? Did your shoulders come up? 289 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:42,240 Did you feel A rush of confusion and frustration? 290 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,880 Heat rising? Do you think that's not fair? 291 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,040 No, I'm not defensiveness. Did you want to turn the episode 292 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,160 off? I mean, I said that on purpose. 293 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,680 Hopefully that's clear. I said that on purpose because I 294 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,320 want you to notice when I come out the gate and I say something 295 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,440 provocative like that. Where are you feeling that? 296 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,920 What does that make you feel in your body? 297 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,000 You're selfish. You only think about yourself, 298 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,960 and that is why your relationship is struggling. 299 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,800 Where do you feel that? I want you to notice what 300 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,520 happens inside you when words come at you without curiosity. 301 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,800 They're sharp, they're heavy, they're threatening. 302 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,160 Your brain reacts and then your body reacts, and I want you to 303 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:16,840 notice that. Then we're going to take the 304 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,800 same idea and reframe it with curiosity. 305 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,880 I wonder if sometimes you get so focused on protecting yourself 306 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,040 that you can't even really hear what your partner's trying to 307 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,960 say. Same thought, different. 308 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,760 Reframe. This one has curiosity. 309 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,000 I wonder if sometimes you're so focused on protecting yourself 310 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,800 that you can't even really hear what your partner is trying to 311 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,280 say. See the difference? 312 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,440 The difference? When words come at you with 313 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,240 curiosity or without it, your body softens. 314 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,640 You're able to hear the challenge that sits behind it, 315 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,600 not just the words that are said. 316 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,160 You're able to reflect more. It feels more like an 317 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,480 invitation, a conversation, than an attack. 318 00:14:56,520 --> 00:15:01,560 It's the same core thought, the same core challenge or statement 319 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,520 at a completely different impact. 320 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,360 And that is the power of curiosity. 321 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,360 And this is what's really interesting about this is it's 322 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:12,760 not just my words that changed, it's also your body reacting 323 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,160 differently. The first time your body took my 324 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:19,360 words at face value in a closed way, not with curiosity. 325 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,080 It braced, it defended. But imagine if you were 326 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,320 practised at curiosity. What would have happened to that 327 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,280 blunt judge mental comment? Maybe you would have paused, 328 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,680 been a bit confused, and thought Amy doesn't normally talk like 329 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,240 this. I wonder why she said that, and 330 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,280 I'm curious how many of you did find that. 331 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,160 Why did she say that? That is the power of curiosity. 332 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,440 It changes how we speak, but it also changes how we receive. 333 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:46,080 There are two roles that we play in relationships, the giving of 334 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,360 and the receiving of curiosity. There's two responsibilities 335 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:53,280 that sit with us, the way we give curiosity and the way we 336 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:57,160 receive with curiosity. And I, I want to focus on both 337 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,160 of those because it's one thing to navigate this topic when 338 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,840 you're working on only having curious statements, only having 339 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,640 curious attitudes and approaches to the things that are said. 340 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,520 It's a whole other thing when you're facing situations without 341 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,600 someone giving you that benefit of gentle curiosity. 342 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:17,200 You are still responsible in that circumstance to work on the 343 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,840 curiosity you've got going on inside yourself. 344 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,720 So let's come back to that Reddit story that we talked 345 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,640 about earlier, the one about the boyfriend who hardly does any of 346 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,200 the chores around the house, who gets angry when it's brought up, 347 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,560 and even texted his girlfriend when he wasn't working asking 348 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,440 her to do more cleaning. Let's come back to that story. 349 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,640 When we first heard it, we probably all mostly landed in 350 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,400 the same place with that story, which is this guy's super lazy. 351 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,840 He's super immature. Our gut response was probably 352 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,880 frustration, thinking about the words we would say. 353 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,360 But I want to step into his perspective for just a second 354 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,360 and work on this curiosity piece. 355 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,640 What might be happening under the surface for him? 356 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,760 Could it be that he grew up in a household where chores were 357 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,440 always someone else's responsibility and so he 358 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,320 genuinely does not even see the gaps? 359 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,640 Could it be that his anger isn't actually about the cleaning, 360 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,200 it's about feeling criticised and something in the way that 361 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,520 she's communicating or the way he's receiving it is making him 362 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:12,480 feel criticised and undervalued? Could it be that he's under 363 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,520 stress, overwhelmed or burnt out and he hasn't learned how to 364 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,680 communicate those things and irritation is his only language 365 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,839 now? None of these things excuse his 366 00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:24,520 behaviour or his responses, and that's really important. 367 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:27,440 None of these things excuse it, and as we're navigating the 368 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,720 world around us and we're navigating our relationships, 369 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,160 the curiosity piece doesn't excuse someone for being 370 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,640 responsible for their own behaviour. 371 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:38,160 But what it does do is keep us soft to exploring what might be 372 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,440 happening behind that behaviour, and it gives us possibilities to 373 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,160 explore. It gives us a way forward. 374 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,560 It gives us hope in circumstances that don't feel 375 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,320 like they have much hope. If you think back to your first 376 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,480 gut reaction when we read through that story the first 377 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,120 time, the words that you would have said, the physical response 378 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,640 you would have had, think back to that and try and remember it. 379 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,000 If you were to just shift that now and respond again, but 380 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,680 differently this time with curiosity, how might it sound 381 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,440 different? What would be different this 382 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,440 time? Maybe instead of you're lazy, 383 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,560 you never help, or you're super immature. 384 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,000 Maybe it might have been like I'm feeling overwhelmed and I 385 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,800 need to know if you see this as a shared responsibility or when 386 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:18,160 you don't follow through. I feel unappreciated or even 387 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,760 just a simple when I ask you to do something like this, what 388 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,560 happens for you? What's going on? 389 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,680 I can see you're struggling with my request. 390 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:29,000 What's happening for you in that gentle, not passive aggressive 391 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,880 comments to explore what is happening for him? 392 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:35,160 Why is he so defensive when I'm asking him to help or even 393 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,000 exploring what's going on for you mentally? 394 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,640 What's feeling heavy right now? What's feeling heavy for you 395 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,920 right now? What's on your mind and seeing 396 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,840 if you can explore what's going on for him. 397 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,800 Potentially there's a reason that he's not doing more around 398 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,920 the house. Again, doesn't excuse that. 399 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,600 Potentially there's a reason he's so defensive when you've 400 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,240 asked him to do things. Again, doesn't excuse that. 401 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,040 But once we can start to explore those things, there's a way 402 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,880 forward to strengthen the relationship. 403 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,680 Notice how those reframes can shift the conversation and can 404 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,840 open up a future. That's one. 405 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,480 One way of thinking of it too is this curiosity opens up a future 406 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:12,040 judgement reactivity. It shuts down that future. 407 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,280 It doesn't have the forward thinking, the big picture 408 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,960 thinking. Curiosity opens that up. 409 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,240 If you're in a workplace and you're trying to navigate a 410 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,720 really difficult problem, you don't sit there and just think 411 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:22,360 about the problem in a group setting. 412 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,760 You don't have a meeting plan it and then just everybody like 413 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,080 whinges about the problem and you can't see pastor. 414 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,520 You're like talking about how bad this problem is, getting 415 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,160 frustrated and overwhelmed. That's not how we navigate those 416 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:33,920 things. What we do is we sit down and do 417 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,440 green lighting sessions. We bring someone in with a 418 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,440 different perspective, and that's the same thing here. 419 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,680 You have a problem, your reaction is to just ruminate on 420 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,240 the fact that this problem is there. 421 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,840 You're not going to see the future. 422 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,240 You have a problem. You sit down with a green 423 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,720 lighting session, you sit down with a different perspective. 424 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,040 All of a sudden you see ways forward. 425 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,800 And the same thing goes for him in return. 426 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,760 It's not just the woman that's writing in this story. 427 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,680 If he had been approaching her request with curiosity rather 428 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,240 than defensiveness, he would have been able to explore what's 429 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,680 going on one for himself there. Why am I so defensive every time 430 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,400 she asked me to clean? Like what's going on for me 431 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,000 there? Two, what's going on for her? 432 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,680 Like, what is she? What's her rate of this 433 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,320 situation that she feels like she has to keep asking me to do 434 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:15,560 stuff? Are the things I'm trying to 435 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,160 bring to the relationship, the things I'm trying to input into, 436 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,240 are they obvious to her? Am I making them clear my 437 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,640 efforts in the relationship? This kind of curiosity opens up 438 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,960 that conversation for her and for him, both about themselves 439 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,720 and about their partners. So this is exactly what plays 440 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,880 out in our own relationships. The Reddit story is a distant 441 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,480 example. It's not our story right now, 442 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,680 although it might have been relatable to some of us. 443 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,080 It's not our story, and that's why I wanted to do it. 444 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,720 Let's workshop this. But it's a distant example. 445 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,200 But we all have these moments where we struggle with 446 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,640 curiosity. We all have the ability to 447 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,040 strengthen that in our relationships, in our approaches 448 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,520 to our partners, and in our approaches to ourselves. 449 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,960 So just think about it. The difference between close 450 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,200 mindedness and curiosity. Close mindedness might say you 451 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,120 never listen. Curiosity might say what's 452 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,920 feeling heavy for you right now? Closed mindedness might say you 453 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,360 don't care about me at all. Curiosity might say when you 454 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,280 ignore this, it makes me feel really underappreciated. 455 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,280 Closed mindedness might say you're impossible to talk to. 456 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:20,760 Curiosity might say I notice you shut down when I bring up X. 457 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,280 What makes this feel so hard for you to talk about? 458 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,400 The problem is still named, The thing is still tackled, but the 459 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:30,000 tone shifts and the approach shifts. 1 is an attack and the 460 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,560 other one's an invitation. 1 is a statement and the other one is 461 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,400 a conversation. But the other part, and I think 462 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,440 this is the most important part of it, is being curious about 463 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,280 our partner is a skill we can practise, and we do need to 464 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:46,280 practise it, but it's often easier to learn to be curious 465 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,960 about our partner and harder to learn to be curious about 466 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,200 ourselves. And I'll put this out there, 467 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,680 it's easier to excuse ourselves than it is to excuse our 468 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:54,880 partner. We talked about that the other 469 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,600 week, that we often excuse ourselves on our intentions and 470 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,960 we judge our partner off their impact. 471 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,640 So it is easier to excuse ourselves. 472 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:07,840 But I think it's harder to be curious about ourselves, staying 473 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:11,600 curious about what we are bringing to the table, about why 474 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,640 we are reacting, about how we might be seeing things in an 475 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,240 inaccurate way. Too often we excuse our 476 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,960 behaviour because we've got the context. 477 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:24,240 I was tired or I was stressed or we spiral into shame. 478 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,800 We shut down and say I'm the worst, I'm awful. 479 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,760 I'll never change. I'll never get a handle of this. 480 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:32,120 But we don't sit down and be curious about what's going on 481 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,440 for ourselves. There's a lot of the reasons why 482 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:38,040 we'll struggle with internal curiosity or or self awareness. 483 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,200 You could put it. Sometimes it's trauma, family 484 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,120 backgrounds, patterns that are deeply, deeply entrenched. 485 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,040 Sometimes it's an overwhelm at the at the thought of how much 486 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,760 work would have to go into becoming aware of the stuff that 487 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,680 we're doing, habits, burnout, exhaustion, mental health 488 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,160 issues. There's a lot of the reasons why 489 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,640 we'll struggle to internally reflect and be curious about 490 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:02,080 ourselves and our own impacts, but it's an important thing. 491 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,800 So I want us to practise this right now. 492 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:07,280 I want you to think about what was the last moment you had with 493 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,120 somebody that you love, somebody in your life that made you feel 494 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:13,320 really frustrated, really mad, really triggered? 495 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:18,160 What was happening under the surface for you physically or in 496 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,720 your mind? What happened in that moment? 497 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,800 Think about that example. What do you think, thinking 498 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,760 curiously now, holding loosely and openly to that thing? 499 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,120 What do you think might have been triggered for you in that 500 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:30,640 moment? What do you think might have 501 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,840 been pricked? What might have happened that 502 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,560 made you react the way you are reacting? 503 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:39,360 What need or value that you hold might have been involved? 504 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,600 And if you could replay that moment, what might curiosity 505 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,160 have changed in that circumstance? 506 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,960 Even if it's just how you felt, how might how might that have 507 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,840 changed for you? And this is where the real 508 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,520 growth starts, having that approach of curiosity and 509 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:55,160 reflection using those examples so that we can learn, not being 510 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,000 frustrated at the examples that we've got. 511 00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:58,680 Those are important for us to learn. 512 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,880 Don't be looking back at all these examples that just popped 513 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,480 into your head and think, look at me, I'm doing this again. 514 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,200 Those are important. We learn from those. 515 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,200 This moment right now is that moment to be curious and reflect 516 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,080 on those things. So if we're going back to that 517 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,640 Reddit story, how could it have ended? 518 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,880 How could it have panned out if we were implementing this 519 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,040 curiosity piece, if both people in that relationship had chosen 520 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,600 curiosity about themselves and about their partner instead of 521 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,880 the girlfriend bottling up her frustration and avoiding the 522 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,560 conversations, curiosity towards herself might have been more 523 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,480 like, why am I hesitating to bring this up? 524 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,600 Why am I nervous to talk about this with him? 525 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,280 What am I afraid of? And that doesn't mean he's off 526 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:37,280 the hook sometimes that might highlight some really important, 527 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,920 significant issues you have to navigate. 528 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,160 What's making me nervous to bring this up? 529 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,120 What do I really need in this moment? 530 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,960 Do I need him to do the thing, or is there something else that 531 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:48,760 I need? And once she has that awareness 532 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,720 of what's going on for her, that conversation with him could have 533 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,080 been a lot more soft. I'm starting to feel really 534 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,520 overwhelmed in the house and I want to figure out how we can 535 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,240 make this work better in a more sustainable way. 536 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,400 Instead of the boyfriend defaulting to anger and 537 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,760 defensiveness, curiosity towards himself might have been like, 538 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,440 why am I getting so reactive when she asks me to do the 539 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,040 dishes? What's feeling threatened here? 540 00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,640 Am I feeling criticised? Is there something in her tone 541 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,840 or is there something from my past that's connecting to this 542 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:21,360 and making me feel triggered? Why am I getting so angry and 543 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:23,920 irritated? Is it fair for me to be angry 544 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:25,920 and irritated? And with that curiosity, he 545 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:29,560 might have responded more with I can hear you, but can you help 546 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,400 me understand what's going on for you in this conversation? 547 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,720 Or I can hear you and I just want to express that I'm not 548 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,520 used to this stuff and I need to learn it. 549 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,000 I've never seen this played out in my life, and now I need to 550 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,800 learn how to do these things. Imagine the shift in tone. 551 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,880 It's the same problem. That problem hasn't gone away, 552 00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:49,040 but that shift in tone makes it a conversation that brings them 553 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,680 closer together. Even if it's difficult and 554 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,360 uncomfortable, it brings them closer together. 555 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:56,160 They understand each other and themselves better and moves them 556 00:25:56,160 --> 00:26:00,320 forward versus what's ended up happening here which has drifted 557 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:04,800 them apart and ended up with her riding into Reddit for advice. 558 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,400 And that's what I want you to hold onto. 559 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:09,000 Curiosity doesn't magically erase the issues. 560 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,400 Curiosity does not excuse people's behaviour. 561 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,520 But curiosity helps us to keep moving forward and helps us to 562 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,760 keep soft. And even if you're only doing 563 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:21,440 that for yourself and for your own mental health and your own 564 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,560 self awareness and your own progression, that is worth it. 565 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,680 So here are some practical ways you can continue to implement 566 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:35,120 self focused curiosity. We are so excited to share that 567 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:40,240 we won the CM AA Emerging Talent Award for the podcast. 568 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,400 Thank you so much for being here guys. 569 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,320 You being here and following along has made that possible and 570 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:46,640 you're the reason that we're doing this. 571 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:50,000 So thank you so much to you guys for your consistency over the 572 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,880 last year and thank you so much to CM AA for the honour of being 573 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,400 awarded Emerging Talent. For those of you following along 574 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,880 on YouTube, you can see our beautiful trophy reflecting the 575 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,160 outside here. Thank you so much again. 576 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,560 And Blair had such a blast up there with you guys last week 577 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,280 and we're excited to share more about that experience over on 578 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,360 this coming blog. So make sure you check that out 579 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,160 to see behind the scenes of his journey, behind the scenes of 580 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:12,800 winning. And thanks again so much for 581 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:16,840 your support over the last year. So here are some practical ways 582 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,000 you can continue to implement self focused curiosity. 583 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,960 Check your body first. Like I said before, if you feel 584 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,280 these triggers, notice what it is that plays out for you. 585 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:28,200 When you feel these triggers, if you start to feel them, if you 586 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,960 start to feel activated, ask yourself what is happening in my 587 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:32,600 body right now? Release those things. 588 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,360 So if it's clenched jaw, choose to release those things. 589 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:39,520 But also why is it happening? Then name the trigger instead of 590 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,480 what's going on. That it's not they made me 591 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:45,200 angry. It's I feel defensive, I feel 592 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:49,920 criticised about this thing. My kids don't make me angry, I 593 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,320 am angry because of the circumstances and my lack of 594 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,080 regulation. So changing, naming the trigger 595 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:59,600 rather than your reaction to it is a really powerful way of 596 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:03,560 reframing the situation that shifts you from blame, which 597 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:06,680 then takes you off the hook for having to think about it to self 598 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,480 awareness. Asking yourself, and this is 599 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,120 such an important one, what else could be true? 600 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:15,920 And this is again, not to not to ignore the important things 601 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,560 going on or to excuse someone's behaviour, but what else could 602 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:21,960 be true? If your mind rushes to I'm being 603 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:25,160 disrespected right now, what else could be true? 604 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,400 Am I being disrespected or are they tired and they're not aware 605 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:31,480 of their tone? Am I being disrespected or have 606 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:34,120 have they had to repeat this to me too many times? 607 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,480 Or have I overlooked something that's hurt them? 608 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,680 What else could be true? Helps you expand your 609 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,400 perspective of what's happening and helps you see a way forward. 610 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,560 Again, separate the story from the fact what actually happened 611 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:48,040 versus what am I telling myself about what happened? 612 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:52,120 That is a really important way of calming your body down 613 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:56,200 because you're removing yourself one step from that emotion and 614 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:58,640 you have then a clearer way to look forward and progress 615 00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:01,360 forward and reframe yourself. Talk. 616 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,080 I'm, I'm awful, I'm bad at this thing. 617 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:08,760 I, I never get it right or even the victim side of that is like 618 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:11,000 they're always at me, they're always at me, they're always 619 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,120 criticising me. It's not my fault, it's not my 620 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,000 fault. Reframing that to I'm feeling 621 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:20,000 neglected or I'm feeling criticised, this is a value of 622 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,800 mine that's been pricked. So this week I want you to pick 623 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:24,480 one of these things. We've talked about checking your 624 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:27,040 body, naming the trigger, asking yourself what else could be 625 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:30,160 true, separating the story from fact and reframing yourself 626 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:31,600 talk. I want you to pick one of these 627 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,200 things and I want you to practise that, implement that. 628 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,160 Curiosity is not about excusing behaviour. 629 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,320 It's not about pretending everything's fine when it's not. 630 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,720 But what it is about is giving us a new way to tackle the 631 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,800 challenges that come up in our relationship, a new perspective 632 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,400 and a new way to keep us moving forward rather than keeping us 633 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:47,880 closed. So thank you for joining me 634 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:49,600 today for this different type of honey. 635 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,040 We need a chat and I hope that this is a nice way to wrap up 636 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,600 this relationship reset miniseries we've done having 637 00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:57,720 time to reflect on what is going on for yourself. 638 00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,320 If this was helpful for you, please share it with somebody 639 00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:01,800 that you think it might be helpful for. 640 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:04,800 We are all learning all the time and every time, I say this all 641 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:08,240 the time, but every time I do an episode, it's often for me. 642 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:10,720 So I'm taking things away from this today and I hope you guys 643 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:12,600 are too. We will chat to you soon. 644 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,560 Can't wait to see you next week. Thanks guys.