Welcome. To the debauchery.
Today, we'll take a look at arguably the world's most
heinous serial killer, pedophile Albert Fish.
Plus, we can answer your mail call questions, give an update
on Rex Huerman, Architect, and Garrett tells us the fastest way
to go to jail in Florida is to crash your car through its front
door. Also, stay tuned after the main
story for another installment of Dear Douchebags.
Oh, we're back, baby. Yes, Sir, I'm Dave Jarry.
I'm Gary Carter and this. Is criminal as fuck.
What's good? All you criminals, debauched and
true crime douchebags out there and welcome to another episode
of Criminal AF. Once again I am Dave Jari and
with me as always is my Co host Garrett Carter.
How we do it? We'd like to give a huge
criminal AF shout out to the newest member of the Debauched
Bree Alpha. Thank you so much Bree and
welcome to our fucked up family. We have some Rex Heroin
architect. Rex Schumer.
Yeah, we got some updates, and this comes from The Associated
Press. The New York architect accused
of murdering multiple women and leaving their corpses scattered
along the Long Island coast kept a blueprint of his crimes on his
computer. I'm not.
Well, yeah. Hidden.
Yeah, and prosecutors revealed Thursday as they also brought
charges against Rex, Heroin and two more killings.
Derek. Two more killings.
So Heroman, 60, appeared before a judge to be arraigned in the
deaths of Jessica Taylor and Sandra Castillo, two young women
who were long suspected of being the victims of men praying on
sex workers. All right.
So he had previously been charged with the murder of four
other women in the string of deaths known as the Gilgo Beach
serial killings or Liske, the Long Island serial killer.
So Taylor disappeared in 2003. Castillo was killed 30 years ago
in 1993, and her inclusion in the case indicates that
prosecutors now believe that human heroin was killing was
killing women for much longer. That's not funny, but it was
killing women much longer than. Previous.
Thoughts cancelled. Trying.
To do a fucking NEWS UPDATE. So the new charges came after
recent police searches of of Human's Massapequa Park home in
a wooded area of Long Island tied to an investigation.
All right now in a court filing, prosecutors said that they were
able to use new forensic testing methods.
I wonder what that is to match. Hair is found on or near the
vicinity of both victims to DNA profile that is likely matched
to Huroman. Architect.
Additionally, this is going to
go well. Additionally, prosecutors say
they recover the file on a hard drive in his basement used to
methodically blueprint his killings.
It's wild the document written in all caps.
That alone should tell you that he's a.
Fucking serial killer. The best part about this too is
if if you guys have a chance to actually go look at the
documents. It's like AI don't know.
I'm younger. I'm in the younger generation so
I came I came from when they did.
Like they taught excel, word and stuff in school.
It looks like my 4th grade Excel class made a spreadsheet.
I don't know. Go look at it.
I'm. Just it's so funny.
To me. Yeah, It's like no clue.
Like it's just like this is what you do.
This is what you do. This is what you.
Do. It's.
Just funny. It's very funny.
All right, so this document that features a series of checklists
with tasks to complete before, during and after the killings,
as well as practical lessons for, you know, the next time you
kill somebody. Among the dozens of entries
written are reminders to clean the bodies and destroy the
evidence and to get sleep before the hunt.
Very important. Make sure you're you're well
rested. You got to go through your check
your killer checklist. Let it sell.
And make sure you quote UN quote have your story set now.
One section is titled Things to Remember, and it appears to
highlight lessons from previous killings, such as using heavier
rope and limiting noise to in order to maximize play time.
That's creepy. Yeah, a body prep checklist
includes, among other items, a note to remove the head and
hands. Which he didn't do to all his
victims. No, no, not all of them.
Prosecutors believe that the entry may connect human to yet
another victim, Valerie Mack, whose partial skeletal remains
were discovered near the body of Taylor after her disappearance
in 2000. Heuerman has not been charged in
the death of Mack, but asked during a news conference after
Thursday's hearing if he was a suspect, District Attorney Ray
Tierney replied That's fair to say.
Yeah, AKA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a fucking
suspect. So Tierney also acknowledged
that the blueprint document, which Heuerman had attempted to
delete, was a significant impetus for the renewed search
along Long Island in recent weeks, as it was recovered in
March for for more than 350 electronic devices that were
seized from his home. That's impressive 3. 150.
Yeah, I'm trying to think 350. That's a lot of electronic
devices. Well, I think, well, he had all
those burner phones, so it was like there's probably like 100
burner phones at least. I know it's just, it's, that's a
crazy amount 'cause I'm trying to think of actually how if they
seize my, if they, if they raided my house, how many
devices would they have? It wouldn't even be close.
No. And I yeah, yeah, not fucking 3.
150, you're up. Anybody over over 100 devices, I
would say over something, something, something's up here,
yeah. Well, it was what was it was
him, his wife and when he had two kids that.
Doesn't matter, I have a family for too.
Do you have more than 50 devices?
No, I have okay. Less than 10 350 is crazy.
Yeah, that's fucking crazy. All right, so Huerman pleaded
not guilty to killing Taylor and Castilla during a hearing and
was ordered held without bail. Oh yeah, he ain't fucking going
nowhere. His lawyer, Michael Brown, said
outside of court that Huerman is obviously in a bad place in
terms of these new charges. Yo, all right, we're going back
to last week's episode. Fuck defense attorney.
Wow, Paulo Flint, you heard that.
You heard that? He's in a bad place.
Right now a bad. Place shut.
Up afterward, Tierney said that the additional charges provide
some small measure of closure for the victims families.
So yeah, there's that. He's going down regardless.
It doesn't. Matter.
If the he's not going to get all convictions, but he'll be
convicted for some. But yeah, I think he'll, he'll,
he, I think he'll at least be convicted on, on these six.
Yeah, at least. All right, before we jump into
all the shenanigans today, we just need to go over some things
regarding criminal AAF. We are a comedic, informative
true crime podcast, Garrett. And you know, it's kind of like
a ish ish heavy on the ish, you know, meaning, meaning we'll be
talking about some true crime, like our main story of Florida
Man, but we'll also be talking about some things not related to
true crime, like mail call and whatever rabbit holes our ADHD
brains lead us to. Which is.
Which is, oh, quite a bit. But whatever we talk about,
we'll be having some fun while we're doing it.
Sometimes, you know, we find that certain aspects of these
stories are particularly funny. And sometimes, you know, we just
like calling out a fuck head for being a fuck head.
Yes, Sir. You know, if this is your first
time joining us, you're about to experience two guys who have
zero filter and we fucking swear a lot.
Speaking of 0 filter. Yeah.
First ADHD tone is is black people Mac and cheese better
than white people Mac and cheese A. 100%.
Like with 100%? 100%.
God, this is, this is glorious. Yeah, white people, Mac and
cheese is just like craft. Yeah, you just go to get the
box. It's the worst.
Yeah, or they just, they literally put a bowl of fucking
cold noodles and throw some cheese on there.
Yeah, that's. Yeah, I like a little splash of
milk. No, you gotta have some.
You gotta have some flavor to it.
Alright, bye, bye. With all that being said, we do
discuss some pretty horrific and tragic stories that involve.
Murder. Yay.
Rape and torture. OK, I can get into.
It yeah, we will not shy away from the most gruesome of
details, regardless of how disgusting they may be.
Now, we understand that criminal AF is not for everyone.
Hey. And that's OK.
We just ask that you at least give it a listen if it's not for
you. Thanks for checking it out.
See ya, but if it is. Welcome to the debauchery.
Now head on over to criminalasfuck.com for all of
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Now while you're checking out Criminal AF, go check out our
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It you hit it, say it, and then go back and unhit it.
All right, yes. Sir, we're.
Obviously not working with our producer.
Here to go. We're adding new styles and
designs all the time, so dig deep into your voyeuristic
selves and go peep some of our stuff.
I do love voyeurism. Oh yeah, I love, love watching.
You can go. You can also go.
I'm a I'm a purple scrunchie. A purple scrunchie is that
That's voyeurism. Yeah, that's that's do you want
to? Watch I I will say if I was
going to be in that community, you'd.
Be a purple. Just throw the purple up there
and be like, hey, let me just invite me that.
I want to just hang out. I need a couple beers.
Yeah. Just set me up in a chair in the
corner. Yeah, I'll actually coach.
You too. I'll coach you through it.
Like I'll be like, yeah. Come on, that's all you got.
Yeah, yeah, put some of them hips into it.
Bro, come on, munch on that thing.
All right? Good.
Keep going. See this.
Is going to be listen. I got Makers and Ginger all
right. We're we're This is one of those
episodes. Today we've we've, we've
partaked since I don't know well.
We're. Trying to set up studio
chlorophary. Anyway, you can also go visit
our friends over at Welcome to thedebauchery.com where you can
find ourselves, Frightflick, FMK and True Crime University.
Finally, if there's one thing that we ask of you is that you
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It costs you absolutely nothing to do and it will help us
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Wait, I got to hit the echo voice.
The number one true crime podcast in the world world,
Paul. Oh.
There you go. All right, it's time for mail
call where you send in your questions and we answer them
honestly and truth truthfully. No secrets allowed could be
anything. You want to ask true crime
questions, of course, but also you know anything you want to
know about us, Our deepest, darkest secrets, our hopes and
dreams. And whether or not Garrett is a
top or a bottom, nothing is off limits.
No, I. Think you know?
Garrus says I'm going to be a bottom.
I don't. I don't.
I would totally top Dave Stop. I don't see that I.
Listen, it's it's that that front you put on.
I know deep down you want to be a little.
Yeah, I want to be domed. You, you want to be domed.
Deep down, it's all, it's all fugazi.
Fugazi, Yeah. Now we try to get to all the
questions, but for time purposes we can only do three or four.
So if you don't hear yours this episode, it'll be coming up in a
future episode. And first up, we have Kate Go
and a friend down there from down under.
Down under, Down under, Kate. Yeah, she has a two-part
question. What did you guys think of baby
reindeer? Did you watch it?
No. That stalker like on Netflix?
I didn't see it. You didn't watch it.
No. OK, well I guess I'm answering
this one. I didn't see it.
Yet OK, I watched. We've worked so much out
overtime in the last. Time I watched, you know, under
the, you know, the recommendation of of Kate
actually and a few other people from work.
I did start watching it. It's it's definitely on my list.
I got I got a backlog right now all.
Right. Well, I'm not going to give any
spoilers, but I will say I've watched maybe three episodes of
it. Four.
And I had to turn it off. I was over it.
Really. Yeah.
OK, so then maybe I skip it? Well.
You might like it, but basically, so the the baby
reindeer story is about a guy who has a stalker.
All right, it's this lady, blah blah blah.
You know, he's like Oh my God, look at me.
Oh, I had a fucking stalker. Oh, what was me?
I made a story about it. OK, true story.
But as I'm like 3 or 4 efforts episodes into it, I'm like this
dude is kind of egging her on. He likes it.
Yeah, you know, like. I think that happens more than
you people realize. It's probably like the IT.
It's just like everybody loves the idea of being wanted, right?
So. Who cares if it's the creepy guy
who sits outside your window with a knife?
He likes you. Yeah, yeah.
He just wants to watch. Just let him watch, let him
watch. But anyways, yeah, so I don't
know, I I I was watching this and I'm like, this dude deserves
everything he gets because he's like I said, he's egging her on.
He's like kind of like lead her on a little bit.
He some of the actions that he does is kind of misleading to
her. You know what I mean?
Yeah. So I don't know.
I you got what he deserves, you know.
Good take. I like the take.
I stopped watching it because I'm just like, this guy's a
fucking idiot and you're pissing me off So.
So yeah. So that's why I thought about.
Isn't it amazing how men just like this?
Like a if you're a man and you and a woman stalks you, it's
not, it's not even close to the same thing as a male stalker on
a female like a female is. Oh yeah, dudes are crazy.
These are fucking crazy. It's like you're not scared for
your life. Like if if a male stalks a
female, it is, it's creepy. It's scary.
During your closet. Yeah, like.
They go in your house, they're like, it's just a totally
different atmosphere. Yeah, I think like a woman
stalker. I could be wrong but I think
like a woman stalker is more like, you know, they they.
They. Try to hack into your Facebook.
Yeah, like, you know, it's more try.
To split up your marriage like. Whatever, let me check his
messages. Yeah, they, they do.
Yeah. But I'm sure there is where,
well, we would be proven wrong. There's somewhere out there.
Oh yeah. Some lady boiling the fucking
rabbit in the fucking stove. Yeah, yeah.
So yeah, that's why I thought about baby reindeer.
I mean, some people like it wasn't for me.
The guy fucking annoyed the shit out of me and he deserves
everything you got. But anyway.
I'll give you a take, my take when I actually watch it, OK?
Now her second question is can you clarify post nut clarity?
So we did episode Who is it fucking the mother fucking
virgin where he planned on killing his mother and then
killing his sister but after he killed his mother.
He got post nut clarity. He got post nut clarity and was
like, you know what? I don't really want to kill my
sister anymore. You know, like that urge kind of
goes away. So post nut clarity, go ahead.
Dave, you still you take it off off all right.
Well, post nut clarity can can mean a, a variant thing.
So it could be like actual like, like sex, you know, like you're
at work and you're like, Oh my God, I'm fucking so horny right
now. And you're like, then you go
home and you have sex with your wife or whatever or a random
stranger and after you nut you're like, OK, I'm good, you
know, whatever. And.
It could also be like, you know, if you're scrolling like porn or
something. Yeah.
And you come across the scene and you know, you fucking do
your thing and then afterwards you're like.
Yeah. Why did I do that for her?
Yeah, it's also, it also could be, you know, post on clarity.
Could be the 2:00 AM bar's about to close.
You pick up a girl. Yeah, she's not.
Yeah. She's not the girl you wanted to
bring home, but. She was, however.
You're going to do it. Yeah, you're going to do it.
And then once after you bust, Yeah.
You're like. You're like it's, it's, it's
that, it's that moment after a man releases that sounds so
fucking disgusting. No, it is.
But that you realize all your choices up to that point were
just. Horrible.
And then you want to. Run.
You want to run away from. To the hills.
And that even happens in, like, you know, people, you hear
stories about guys who are just like, don't touch me, don't
touch. Me.
After it's a, it's AI don't know, it's a primalistic maybe
'cause you're trying back in the back in the, you know, the
caveman days, we were just trying to, we were just trying
to. You're trying to.
We're trying to bust the nut and run and.
Every anything you could. Yeah.
Once you bust, you're fucking
out. Yeah, you're out.
There's Saber tooth tigers chasing you and shit.
You know what I mean? So.
That's also that's why ladies, if a man comes quick, don't.
That's a primal urge and a primal instinct that we have.
All right, We got to get the job done and we got to be in and
out. Listen, there's cyber, cyber
tooth. There's Saber tooth tigers
chasing. Us, right, Yes.
So truthfully, your man's actually more of a man if he
comes fast. There you go.
Garrett logic right there, Garrett.
Garrett Logic. He's more he's he's, he's at
roots with this primal. Urge.
Yeah. Yeah, I like it.
I'll go with that. Yep, so that's post, not
clarity. That's pretty much wrapped up in
a a nutshell. But the porn thing is, is real.
You'll be like, oh, you'll be into it.
You'll be you'll, you'll do your thing and then you'll be like,
oh, what the fuck? Am I watching?
What was I? Yeah.
Oh yeah. What was I thinking?
Oh, you just. It's shame.
It's basically shame ever after you.
Come, you just, you're just shame.
You're disgusted in yourself. It's like a.
Fucking like a a Protestant like nun just.
Like a shame, shame, shame. Now there there have been a has
some pretty famous post nut clarity serial killers, you
know, kind of like the goat at Kemper.
You know, he fucking he just gave up.
He killed his he killed his mother, the subject of his
fucking rage, you know, and fucked her body and her face and
everything. And he was like.
I'm. Going to turn myself in.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good. He ended it all.
Off of a fucking post nut clarity.
That's what it is. He did life in prison off of
post nut clarity. So that's that.
So thank you very much Kate go in.
That was a good. Question.
That was a good question. All right, Next up we have Dylan
8722. And Dylan asks if you could have
10 minutes with any serial killer, who would it be and what
would happen? Oh, what would happen?
10 minute that that's such a like a a tough question to
answer off the top, off the top of the Dome.
I don't know. Go ahead.
Well. Everybody knows my fucking.
OK, camper. Yeah, my serial killer crush is
is camper, so that would be that.
I mean, that's the easy answer. I'll probably have to go with
BTK. I was, I listen, I was all
right. Go ahead.
I was gonna.
I literally thought of that two seconds ago.
So my 10 minutes with BTK would consist of me beating the living
piss out of his fucking disgusting gross ass fucking
face. BTK got to me.
That's one of that's one of the stories I like.
I've I've like this episode obviously is album Fish right?
So we know he's the biggest scumbag of all time, piece of
shit. But the the BTK episode always
gets to me. I don't know what it is.
Out of all the out of all the serial killers, BTK is probably
the biggest fucking scumbag there is alive.
See I would I instantly thought is for me.
I would kind of go into like a Doctor Phil mode with BDKI want
to. Know his brain, Yeah.
I want to know what like, dude, you almost got away with it.
Why? Why did you what, like what was
the point? Like I, I, I just, I feel like
there's so many unanswered questions there.
I'm like, did he want, did he like deep down, did he want to
get caught? I guess he missed the whole
fucking cat and mouse kind of thing, yeah?
But then keep going. Yeah, he was a fucking idiot.
Yeah. That's like, hey, can you, can
you trace a fucking floppy? That's what I mean.
Like are you fucking that stupid?
And the cops like, no, no, we can't do that.
That's like when. You see that's.
When you see those like the the police departments always joke
on Facebook or whatever and they post like, oh, don't have your
plugs today on. Christmas.
It's just, you know, call. Us and we'll come and deliver
your weed for you. Like.
Are you going to really do that? Fucking idiot.
Yeah 100% BTK and I would beat the living piss out of him the
entire 10 minutes and then I would curb stomp his fucking
skull and smash his fucking. Fair enough, fair enough.
I I just, I like the Doctor Phil aspect of you could choose.
I could choose any, any serial killer.
I would just like to like really deep dive.
Just pick their fucking just pick a brain who hurt you when
you were young. Yeah, like we learn more about
all those, all those unanswered questions that we we always come
up. Yeah.
So you're interested in the psychology?
Oh, I would love that. Yeah, I just want to go in there
and beat their fucking. Yeah, but I mean, they're behind
bars. They're going to die anyway.
They serve their justice. I'm fucking petty though.
I'm petty as fuck, dude. I am fucking petty as fuck.
I wanna make people suffer who deserve to fucking suffer.
You're like Dexter, dude. You are Dexter.
I'm Dexter. All right.
Thank you very much, Dylan. That was a pretty good question
as well. Now we have one that was sent in
quite a while ago and I, I must have missed it.
I mean quite a while ago, meaning like November.
Oh wow. Yeah, it it, it fell out.
So I sincerely apologize, but it's from Michael McHugh from
down in Australia. Oh no.
Down on that. And he asked, do you worry for
your family's safety? The more you research and
discover how evil, how much evil there is out there, he adds in
Big Love from Sydney, Australia. That is such a good question.
How the fuck did you let that go?
A fuck. How did you let that that's
like. That's such a good one.
It's a very good question. It's a very, very good question.
And I apologize, Michael, so sorry.
I hope you're still listening. I hope we didn't get pissed off
and be like, oh, they didn't answer my fucking question.
Fuck them. Yeah.
But anyway, do who do I worry? The thought has crossed my mind
that there's could possibly be a serial killer out there that
listens to the show. And they, I mean, we talk about
where we're from. We don't hide the fact where
we're from. You know what I mean?
And I drive around with a fucking sticker on my fucking.
Dave has a giant mural of criminal AF on the side of his
car. By the way, guys, if you ever,
if you ever in Connecticut, you're looking around.
Do you want to? Know well it's got one of those
fucking scan things so people can.
Yeah, so you you do get afraid. I I've thought about it, yeah,
not afraid, but I've thought about it.
Somebody who's just like, you know what?
Fuck these guys. Yeah, fuck these motherfuckers.
I, I think also he's asking like, as you do research and
you, you, you listen to these stories, you hear these horrific
crimes, Are you afraid for your family for something?
Bad in general. In general.
Not just because I got podcast and stuff like that.
He's also saying this and I agree with you.
Yes, 100. Percent it has.
It has opened my eyes a little bit.
You know, daughter, wife, the whole 9.
My son. I have young kids and it's
terrifying. But I will tell you this.
Come to my house motherfucker. I swear to God I can hit 1/4 at
50 yards, baby. 50. And my wife can shoot too.
All right, so sorry it took fucking 18 months to get to your
fucking question, Michael McHugh, but that was actually a
fucking very thought provoking, which spawned off into a fucking
other conversation. I will say though, it, it does.
I hear, I hear these stories and stuff like that and I just
think, and my, my, my wife does see, my wife watches.
It's just like all of the people that listen to this podcast.
She's a huge true crime fan and she just consumes every single
episode and and Netflix special and Amazon Prime special and it
just it's in her head. She'll she'll she'll hear a
noise at night and jump up like she'll have terrors in the
night. It's like you you psych yourself
out when you listen to this shit. 24/7.
Like since since we've been doing, you know, this podcast,
you know, there's definitely things that I pick up on, like
if I'm leaving, like the store, I'll see if there's something
like a, a, a note left on my fucking windshield, which is a
true sight. Listen from criminal AF.
If you ever walk out of a store and there's a flyer or a note to
your windshield, you know, underneath your windshield
wiper, get in your car and drive away.
Don't, don't waste your time trying to get the fucking thing
off you. Fucking no.
I mean, get to a safe place and take it, you know what I mean?
Because that's a plight too for sex, you know, human
trafficking, you know, they put these things.
So when you get out the fucking take it off your fucking
windshield. They're like they swipe you up
and fucking take you out in the fucking white van, you know?
So there there are certain things I pick up on.
Yeah. So again, thank you very much,
Michael. Sorry it took so long to fucking
answer that question. Finally, we have Holly Moe and
she has some rapid fire questions.
Garrett. Rapid fire go. 10 for me, 10. 10
for me, 10 for you. OK, we split them up.
OK, so I'm going to ask you first.
OK. All right.
Virtue or sin? Sin.
Baby. Yeah, that's what I'm talking
about, all right. I like.
I like to sin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. Name four of the seven dwarfs.
Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful, dopey. OK.
Boom, there you go. Do you want to live forever?
No, no, no, I'm I've I've told you this.
I think I've told you this. I don't plan on living till I'm
100 and fucking like. Shitting yourself?
No, I, I, I told my kids that at the moment I shit myself like
without knowing that I shit myself.
Like if I'm just sitting there, I'm just like.
Oh yeah, just put me out fucking put.
I don't wanna. I don't wanna live like that.
Yeah, I don't wanna be in a home.
I don't wanna be. I don't wanna be a burden on my
fucking kids and their kids and. All the moment somebody has to
wipe my ass, I'm fucking out. I'm going to pull a I'm going to
pull a man called Auto. I'm going to go hang out and
listen to The Beach Boys in the car in the garage while the
fucking lot of. Tubes in there.
Fucking done. Call it funny.
That's not funny. I shouldn't joke.
Around call it no. I mean that's not what I want
to. I don't want to live for like
till I'm super old. Or.
Forever and see everybody that I love and care about.
And then you're just by yourself as an old man.
No, that's that sounds horrible. Yeah, it's awful.
Yeah. All right.
Rapid fire.
All right.
What's what's for dinner tonight?
Black people, Mac and. Cheese.
It's good, too. I had some.
Kelly made it. Damn, she was on point with that
fucking Mac and cheese. Yeah.
All right. How many pull ups can you do in
a row? How?
Many pull ups. God, it's been so long since I
tried that. I don't know 20.
You feel confident you could do 20.
To 20 I'm I'm not. I don't weigh much.
It's OK, but are you strong enough to?
Yeah, I could do 20. I used to be able to knock out
like 35 we're. Gonna do a challenge.
And a good on a good day. We're gonna do a Patreon.
Back when I like actually was in shape.
OK, I bet you I could force myself to do. 20 I can.
Mind over matter even if I'm starting to struggle at like 10.
All right, mark this down. We're gonna do a Patreon
exclusive video. I.
Will beat you in pull ups. I can't do one.
OK. Yeah, I'm just saying you're,
you're committing the 20, you're committing the 20 pull ups.
All right, I. All right, we're gonna we're
gonna do a video of Garrett. Body weight to mass ratio it
work. I've always been good at pull
ups. OK, I'm not saying I'm strong.
Underhand or overhand? Underhand.
Yeah, I actually overhand's easier.
Yeah. No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, you said, you said.
Overhand, overhand. Nope, you said underhand.
Underhand pull up 20 of them. Over overhand.
No. OK.
All right. Next question.
All right, tea or coffee?
Coffee. That's not even a quick I love
tea. I do like a Chai tea I.
Love tea, but coffee? Coffee.
Are reindeers real creatures? Yes.
Yes they are. Yes, they are.
Do they fly? No.
No, but they're real. Say something in an Asian
language, I can do it. Go ahead, say what?
No. This is your question.
What do you I want to see you do?
What's that? Like hi, how are you that's.
Nihoma. Nihoma.
That's Chinese. I'm doing Japanese.
Oh, you're doing Japanese. Oh, OK.
All right. That's Japanese.
Yeah. If we have any Japanese.
Yeah. Can we?
OK.
All right. Do you?
Do you respect Kanye West? No, no, I didn't even like Kanye
when he was cool. Sorry.
Go ahead. All right, what's the fastest
speed you ever driven a car? Was it on a car?
Street bike 167. On a bike.
On a 167 I think I hit before I let go 167 ish and it was on a
motorcycle. And it's, I'm telling you right
now, anybody, anybody who rides. Let's listen to the podcast.
I understand there's no better fucking thrill in this world.
167. Yeah, the tunnel vision that you
get goes on AR 11000 litre bike. Oh, dude.
Then you get this tunnel vision where like the helmet, just it,
you can only see out of like a pinhole.
Yeah. And then you just know like that
that rush, I'm telling you. How old were you jump out of an
airplane? I don't know. 20s 2020, 2/23.
Oh, that's still dumb. Young, dumb, full of cum fucking
that. Was still a dumb age.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, not now.
You crazy. When I got my I, I got.
When I got my in my motorcycle accident, I was only doing like
40 miles an hour. I just got fucked.
But yeah, yeah, like one yeah, 167, I think it's on R12
thousand and four R1. Do you want to talk about bike?
You want to talk about your accident?
No, no, that's all right. No, we have a lot of people that
would be like a. Lot of dog fans here.
I did. I hit AII murdered a A1 year old
Johnny. Shepherd puppy guys Garrett.
I tore my ACL, tore my meniscus, broke my left hand.
Permanent. Nerve damage.
Yeah, but the dog ran into me, to be honest.
So yeah, it was a it was a brutal time.
Minding its own business, here comes Garrett.
Just cruising at 40. But yeah, 167, that's the
answer. All right, all right, on a
motorcycle. Yeah, we got, we got some for
me. All right, here we go.
Yep, God. All right, Do not fuck this up,
please, because I know you're going to not.
Yo, this is going to piss me off.
The first question. Godfather of Star Wars
Godfather. Why?
All right, you want to know why? Cinematic masterpiece.
One of the greatest arcs in the fucking entire cinematic
universe. But.
OK, we'll go with. Godfather, go ahead all.
Right, It's a good movie. Who's the Who's the guy that
plays Anakin Skywalker? Hayden Christensen.
Yeah, awful, awful fucking acting.
I won't say that. No.
Is the scripts suck for him? His words suck all right.
We're not going into a movie. So, well, in my generation, the
1-2 and three, which is then turned into 3-4 and five.
Yes, Empire Strikes. Back it goes 3-4 and five came
out first. Right. 1-2 and three came out
next. OK, three, yeah, 3-4 and five S
the ones I grew up with. Awesome, groundbreaking, amazing
fuck. So then they came out with the
with the Hayden Christensen ones.
Yes, the prequels. So they came out with the
prequels awful, awful fucking acting.
It was just like, it's like Fast and the Furious with fucking
Paul Walker when he's like bro bro bro like every fucking 2
seconds. Hayden Christensen in that
fucking role was just fucking awful.
Now when you start getting into like Jar Jar Binks.
Yeah, of course it was ground breaking CGI at that point.
They didn't know what to. Do those are good?
But that was the worst. No, Jar Jar Binks is the
greatest fucking. Star Wars.
Character. You're gonna, you're gonna,
you're gonna annoy me. No.
You're. Gonna annoy me.
Jar jar. No me.
Saw me. Star Wars and I love Now I will
say this before you go on the the fact that the prequels are
getting love now because they were shit on by the boomers that
liked the original Star Wars back in the day.
I'm not a boomer. I know I'm talking about your
like even older than that, like the people that were like, oh, I
love Star Wars and all that stuff, but they're, they were
getting, they got shit on back in the the late 90s, early 2000s
whenever they came out. They're getting love now.
And I like that because they deserve it.
The Revenge of the Sith is the one of the greatest I.
Would say the story. The story is good, I like the
story of it, but Anakin? Go back and watch it.
All right. Next.
Question.
I can't do it. I can't you.
You're asking me? Godfather, You're right.
All right, Godfather. But from Godfather.
'S great movie I'm. Not 1-2 and three Godfather,
yeah. Yeah, but I'd say. *.
Wars is just. Three as a whole is just.
Oh my. Three kinds.
It's so good all. Right, Godfather, do you like
the word dapper? I do use it.
You're looking pretty dapper. You say that a Cole.
I've heard you say that a couple times.
All right, Garrett I. Like Dapper?
You look pretty dapper. Dapper's nice.
Big dogs, small dogs or no dogs? I've had big dogs, I've always
had big dogs. I've had, you know.
Well, what? What do you consider Big Dog?
Like pit pit bull. That's not shepherd.
I don't. See, I don't think those are
big. Dogs, but mine were big.
German Shepherds can get pretty big, but pitbulls are are fairly
small. No, mine was.
They're heavy. Mine wasn't eat, but they're not
big dog. Mine wasn't like a full pit.
It was a pit mix. OK, so it was, it was a decent
size. So now that I'm getting older, I
would say I want a nice small dog I can cuddle with.
Yeah, you know, come on up in my lap.
I like medium dogs. Yeah.
Like on Yeah, you know what I mean?
Like that, that £30 range, 30 to 40 lbs.
Big enough to like, you know, like you're the Yorkies that you
deal with. Like you have to like lift.
Them up and fucking help them around the house and shit like
that. Like I just.
I want a dog that can fend for itself and won't get taken away
from a hawk. That is, that is, that is, That
is not what. I'm saying but like, it's not.
So big that they're knocking the fucking your drink off the night
stand. And I like a medium sized dog.
My favorite dog of all time is a boxer I fucking love.
Boxers, yeah, they just got so much.
Energy. I fucking love boxers, but the
older I get, I don't have the energy to to deal with those
high energy dogs, you know? So I just want a nice little
dog. I'd sit in my lap.
Dude I love a good Chihuahua. People hate on chihuahuas, I
love them. I love this.
There's so much fucking. Especially the chihuahuas with
their eyes are like going in different directions.
And bug the fuck out. You.
Got a big ass apple. Head your head.
'S bigger than their fucking. Body all right.
I like them all right. How many hours of sleep do you
need? Four, I can get by in four hours
of sleep. You're grumpy.
You're a little grumpy goose on 4 Hours me.
Yeah, get a little order. You're a.
Little grumpy you need 6. I I can never get six though.
I know my my longest is 4 hours at a clip.
Like if I have a if I have a whole day off like I can do
sleep 4 hours I'm up then I'll take a nap.
But I can never, for some fucking reason, I can never
sleep more than four hours. Ever.
And then you wake up. Will you go back to bed though?
Sometimes. Sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, I'm, I'm like 6. If I get as long as I get six, I
can function fine. Anything less than six, I'm
fucking miserable. Are women complicated?
Abso fucking. Lutely.
Abso fucking lutely. I can't figure them out for
nothing. I'm like fucking going on.
I'll be 50 next week and I still haven't figured them out, you
know? I mean, I know what.
Button's supposed you know what I'm saying, but.
Giggity, Giggity. Giggity, Giggity.
Yeah, I don't know. It's it's complicated.
I'll say yes, they are complicated.
Oh wait, I'm asking you. Never mind.
No. No, no, Let's hear.
It No, no, no. Where's Kelly?
Kelly No. No, no, I'll say, I'll say,
well, yes, of course women are complicated, just like men are
women, men are to them. But I feel like it's, it's not
complicated to understand what you need to do to stay out of
the hot seat. Do you know what I mean?
I think it's very, very complex. But I think a lot of men don't
do the bare necessities to stay out of.
The bare minimum. The bare Yeah, they like.
They won't. Bare necessities.
A simple bareness. That's not what you want to do
to oh. Yeah.
Lucy will like this one. All right, Lucy, say good day
mate. In an Australian accent.
You just did it for me. Go.
Ahead. No, I needed you to do it.
Good day mate. Oh, you actually your sounds
pretty good. Crikey.
Crikey, golf. I'm a little bit dark and
mysterious a. Little bit dark mystery.
I'm a dark and twisted. The Australian accent is so.
Good dude, it's. So good.
Look at these wild Crocs. No, that was fucking awful.
All right, I, I love. On the spectrum, Australia just
changed my mind on the Australian accent for sure.
Love on the spectrum. Australia is hands down the
greatest fucking show. The greatest show?
I will say it's top three shows to ever come out on Netflix.
Ever. Ever.
Like. Oh, it's so good.
Blows the US version the US. Version sucks and that stupid
animation bitch that I hate so much.
Sorry. I just spit out his beard.
I like animation. I'm.
Sorry I can't make. What's your favorite carb?
But sadly, you know what I would bang?
The fucking weirdo. All right.
So what was it? What's your boyfriend's name?
What's I don't? Know, I don't know.
Oh man, but while he watches. All right, what's your favorite?
He's a he's a purple fucking blue for sponge.
What's your favorite car? Bread, pasta, rice or potatoes?
Oh, I'm going. To go with pasta.
Pasta that's fits. Yeah, that fits.
That fits. You can't beat it.
Oh God, potatoes close second. Potatoes.
Good, because you can just do so much with it.
Yeah. All right.
If you could ask God one question, what would it be?
Oh God. Oh, this would be a good
question for you, Garrett. No, go ahead.
No, if I could ask God one question, what would it be?
Wow, can you make my penis bigger?
Yeah, but how big? Do you?
Why did you make me average? You don't want inches averages
is fair. You don't want fucking.
All. Right.
Yeah, Yeah. No, I'm.
I'm, I'm not joking. I would ask that.
Yeah. All right, Next up.
Stale Sour Patch Kids or fresh circus peanuts.
What the fuck? Fresh circus peanuts.
Well, you don't like peanuts from the circus.
No. You got to crack them open.
Yeah. And then there's like, people
are just feeding like pigs in the fucking stands.
There's like, you got to walk through Peanut, No?
You would eat stale sour patch kids.
What it really? Fuck a circus peanut.
Dude. That's the worst.
When you go to a bar that allows people to just, like, chop.
Yeah, and you give all the. Shit adds to the ambience.
No. Yeah, it's.
Gross. I don't know.
Paper. Plastic.
I do enjoy a good plastic. I miss plastic straws.
What do you mean? I miss plastic straws.
You're. Drinking.
I'm drinking on a plastic straw right now.
You're saying how like Starbucks?
Yeah, the paper straws are fucking an awful creation.
Oh, they're the worst. They're the worst.
They don't make any sense to me. Yeah, I like Styrofoam.
Yeah, Styrofoam. Styrofoam cups or there's
nothing like a cold like an ice cold drink out of a Styrofoam
cup. I don't care what anyone says.
There's I do miss the Duncan coffees in the Styrofoam cup.
Yes, Duncan used to. Oh, the Duncan coffee was tasted
better in the Styrofoam. Cup.
Yeah, 100%. I agree.
Yeah, All right. Yeah.
Plastic slash Styrofoam. Styrofoam was the shit.
Too bad it's like bad for the. Environment and they're like,
yeah, OK. And I get it.
All right, Yeah. So that was pretty good.
I love, I love, I love rapid fire.
I liked it. Yeah.
So if you guys got any rapid fire questions you want to ask
us, send them in. That wasn't really rapid fire.
But it wasn't. But it's good.
Yeah. I like it.
I like those questions. All right.
Thank you, Holly. Thank you very much, Holly, and
all of all of everybody who sent them in.
You know, that was great. To send us in questions for a
future episode, just go to criminalasfuck.com and click on
the Send It In tab. All right, let's go to Florida.
Let's do it. What in the fuck is going on in
Florida? Martin County, Florida A naked
man crashed his car into a Florida jail, saying he wanted
to kill everybody. Hey, that's like down, that's
Jensen Beach area, Port Port Saint Lucie.
My one of my best friends lives there.
Port Saint Lucie, all right. A video shows a car crashing
into the lobby of a Florida jail that was driven by a man who
authorities said was naked from waist down and threatened to
kill officers. The incident happened late
Monday night at the lobby of the Martin County Jail when a 40
year old Joseph Leedy drove his car through the entrance, the
sheriff officer said. Surveillance videos released by
the Sheriff's Office showed the Toyota sedan slamming into the
front doors. Leeny got out of his car wearing
a woman's blouse in no peace. Then.
Poured motor oil on the floor and said he wanted to set it on
fire. Authority said he also made
homicidal statements about police officers and said he
wanted to kill everyone and threw rubber stakes on the
floor. Shut the fuck?
I'm not kidding. This is not.
This is real dude. Imagine being the guy working
the front desk at the fucking intake.
What? The.
Fuck, Authority said while our deputies were interacting with
him, he kept saying things like the devil told me to kill
everyone. And he kept, oh, that's a pussy
way out, though we all know that's a pussy way out.
And he kept sharing his disdain for President Donald Trump.
Fuck Donald Trump. Chief Deputy John Burdinsky said
at the news conference Tuesday, according to WPTY.
Lady fought the deputies in Fire Rescue before he was tased.
He fought fire. He got deputies and the Fire
Rescue. He was going out.
He's like throwing fucking rubber snakes everywhere.
He's like. Dropping oil, dropping oil.
He was eventually restrained and taken into the hospital,
Burdensky said. Paramedics gave lady multiple
doses of ketamine to calm down. Damn I wish I was him.
You get a free K hole trip if you.
Fucking. Wig out, but it did not sedate
him. That's kind of even crazier.
He was later. He had to be on fucking like
some synthetic. Shit, he was probably doing some
PCP. He was later booked into jail on
charges of aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer and
criminal mischief. That's it for driving his car.
Into a jail. Yeah, and we'll, we'll pull the
video, The pictures, the video's wild.
Yeah, it's in. There, officials said no one was
in the lobby at the time of the crash, but the incident caused
thousands of dollars of damages. Burdensky said authorities
believe Leadie was under the influence of controlled
substance, but they're awaiting. These results.
The medication that a normal person would be sedated by was
not affecting him at all. That does lead to us to believe
they built up a tolerance between two different types of
drugs, Burdensky said. So he had a tolerance to
ketamine, which they were fucking dumping into his fucking
body. Yeah.
And then? That's so interesting.
I didn't think I didn't know that that's what they would be
giving people like it. It just goes to show how far
ketamine has come. They wouldn't give you ketamine
to sedate you back in the day. They're starting to realize like
the benefits into. That not that you're an expert.
No, I'm not an expert on ketamine.
But what does ketamine? Is that a sedative you're.
Not going to give me this time. Is that a sedative?
It is a sedative. It is a is it is a medicine that
they give horses before surgery, almost like an adult Xanax.
Oh, OK. You know what I'm trying to say?
It's a yeah. They use it to sedate horses and
large other large animals. It's horse powered.
Tranquilizer. Xanax, a horse tranquilizer.
It's a horse tranquilizer. It's not Xanax but I'm just
saying it would be the equivalent of like calming.
So they're giving this guy a horse tranquilizer, a horse
tranquer, and it's not even fucking effective.
But that's the thing that affects people different than it
does horses, because a horse doesn't trip.
Actually, who knows? A horse might trip balls when
they're on ketamine. They just don't.
You can't tell you that they're tripping balls, but it'll put
you in AK hole which is like you're just.
Zoom you're. In a, you're in a.
Fucking you're in a whole other world, you trip.
It's a psychedelic at the end of the day, even though it's
considered a something, it's considered something else.
But it it gives off hallucinizations and all that
other. Stuff, but you're not an expert.
But no, I'm not an expert. I'm not.
It's just, it's just tough. All right, go ahead.
Next episode lead in. Oh, man.
All right. I I I don't understand the
snakes though, and the oil, the motor oil and the I get that.
Maybe trying? To Oh, you're trying to start a
fire for the fire. Yeah, but.
But yeah, the snakes or or. Do you know wild that has to be
as? Like that that's.
Yeah. You listen, you go.
You decide as a as a like a career choice that you're going
to help, you're going to do something good.
You've been a police officer. Yes, yeah.
Yeah, you, you go through months of training, you go through on
on job training, you see some wild shit, but then you see this
guy bust through and throw motor oil snakes in a blouse with his
Dick out. And just screaming fuck Donald.
Trump. Like at what point?
Did police officers just say like, I don't?
I'm throwing it up. I'm done.
I'm over. I'm over this.
Yeah. Sir.
And then he's not like you're
trying to give him ketamine, He's not coming down.
You're tasing him. He's fucking fight like.
Yeah. It's a crazy job.
It's a wild job. I, I still, I give out every,
every shout out to police officers out.
There when I was, when I was younger, I actually applied to
be a police officer pretty much all through high school at you
know, all that, like I wanted to be a cop.
That was my like, my goal, you know?
Same. Today, like I have to like, hand
it to people. Oh yeah.
Who become police officers today?
Especially the ones that like we, we know fucking.
Wild. Like they're out on injuries.
I think it's it's. It's wild to be a cop right now.
Wild. The pay is good, but it doesn't
pay that good to deal with the shit that they have to deal
with. Yeah, yeah, it's just fucking
out of control. It's like a Wild West now, for
real. But anyway, yeah.
Guy in a blouse with his. Dick Guy in a.
Blouse with his Dick out saying woo let me throw these snakes
this ones connected to me I can't fucking throw this one but
anyway, yeah that was a fucking wild one all right all right so
let's get into this story about arguably the worst serial
killing pedophile we. Were having fun and now we got
to talk about a fucking the the one of the worst.
Now we got to talk about this fucking dude.
And so like, I avoided this story like the fucking plague
because I just don't like doing. I I remember bringing it up to
you. We should do Albert fish and
you're like. Fuck that.
No. No, no, fuck that guy.
But, you know, it's been widely requested.
And our good friend Debbie from True Crime University, she just
so happened to have written this story, you know, before, and she
asked us if we'd like to do it. Yep, you know she had it
written. Thank you, Debbie.
No, she didn't. She didn't end up doing it.
So she was like, hey, you guys can take this.
So thank you very much, Debbie, for sending us this story.
So tuck your kids in the bed, give them a kiss in the forehead
and tell them to never take candy from a boomer named Albert
because it's time to fuck this episode in the mouth.
What do you say, Garrett? Let's go, Let's do it.
All right, so this is a story of Hamilton Howard Fish.
He was born May 19th, 1870 in the United States capital of
Washington, DC. His parents were Ellen, age 32,
and Randall, who at the time of Hamilton's birth was 75 years
old. Yes, you heard that right. 75.
75 fucking years old. 43 years older than his wife.
I, I, I hope I can still get it up at 75, You know, I mean, I
can't have kids. I mean, there's always blue
chew. Yeah, you can get, but not.
Not back in the 1800s, yeah. This dude's all.
Natural baby, that guy. That guy was built.
This dude was fucking ready to fucking spread his seed.
All right, so Hamilton had three older siblings, Walter, Annie,
and Edwin. Another brother, Albert, had
died in infancy long before Hamilton was even a fucking
thought. He was still swimming around in
his daddy's 75 year old nuts. Hamilton was born in a long line
of mentally ill people, including his mother, uncle,
brother and sister, and had all been diagnosed with some sort of
mental health condition. The family patriarch, Randall,
was a riverboat captain and a fertilized manufacturer who died
in October of 1875, when Hamilton was just five years
old. It's such a 1875 job title A.
Riverboat. Captain, He's a riverboat.
Captain. I lost my kid on a riverboat
gambling trip. So, yeah, he died when Hamilton
was just five years old, leaving Ellen alone with all four
children. And back then, being a single
mom, kids totally different, were rough.
It was totally different. Yeah.
So it says he died from senile debility, which is an old timey
way of saying he died of heart disease like.
Wow, same as hair. You died of senile debiliters,
hey? So Ellen was unable to care for
the kids and she placed them in St.
John's orphanage, a decision that would would result in
fucking disaster. Now both the staff and other
children harassed and abused Hamilton physically, sexually,
and emotionally. And because they're all bratty
kids who come up with stupid nicknames, they called him Ham
and Eggs Ham and Eggs Hamilton. To alleviate this, he started
using his dead brother's name. So from here on out, Hamilton
will now be known as Albert, right?
Albert would later say. I was there till I was nearly
nine and that's where I got started wrong.
We were unmercifully whipped. I saw boys doing things they
should not have been doing. Perhaps as a coping mechanism,
young Albert soon started to enjoy being whipped and beaten.
I don't blame him. And it would become visibly
aroused, resulting in more taunts from the other children.
He's like, oh, I, I hope you don't get mad at.
Me Who broke? Who broke all the chalk?
Oh, I don't know, Teacher. It wasn't me.
Are you going to punish whoever
did it? Oh, I hope you are merciful for
those guys. Oh, man, eventually his mother.
That's not funny. But no, yeah, it was.
Kind of Talibus is never funny. Yeah, it's kind of funny.
Eventually, his mother, Ellen, got a job with the government,
who was financially able to care for her children again.
So Albert was brought home. But as we said earlier, the
damage was already done. You know, when Albert was 11, he
fell from a tree and hit his head, after which he suffered
from headaches, dizziness, stuttering and abrupt
personality changes. He was also a frequent bed
wetter until he reached adolescence.
And as we know Garrett, that's one of the serial killer triad,
along with Archer and Animal. Literally by by write textbook
too. You know what's funny too is
like people are always like you hear the old, the old timers
saying like we were kids, we were climbing trees and getting
hurt all the time. Yeah, 'cause you we.
Had pressed our bed till we were fucking 14.
You you banged your head and developed a stutter and then
started murdering. Kids.
Like what the like, maybe it's not a bad thing that we just let
the kids just do whatever the fuck they.
Want it right my? Bad.
Go ahead, keep going. All right, when he was 12,
Albert had his hey, listen, this story is very serious.
It's fucking sick. It's fucking pathetic.
We're trying to have fun. Awful.
We're we're, we're trying to make the best of this fucking
gruesome fucking story. All right, so when he was 12,
Albert had his first sexual encounter.
And this was with a 17 year old Telegraph boy who lived in an
apartment below him. Oh, so he was.
Now he's diddled. Jesus is.
Great, so the older boy introduced him to urolinasia.
Urolagnia What? I don't even know how to say it.
Urolagnia. Well, it's ready, ready, ready,
ready, ready, ready, ready, ready.
Urolagnia. OK.
The older boy introduced him to urolagnia, which is the drinking
of urine, and coprophagia, the consumption of feces.
Yeah, which Albert would engage in for the rest of his life.
Now I'm going to add, like, a little tidbit and fucking take
it how you will. So this is around the same time
of the Cleveland St. scandal, where in 18891890 there were
accusations and trials involving sexual liaisons between English
aristocrats and young Telegraph boys in London.
They ran messages out of the 19 Cleveland St. like post office.
That's so strange. Yeah, so this post office was,
you know, obviously a business by day and turned into a brothel
of young boys that night. That's wild.
I understand the story that we're discussing today.
This happened in the US, but I'd I'd say it's fair to assume that
the 17 year old Telegraph boy who was screwing 12 year old
Albert and was experienced in the pissing and shitting on
people. What the?
Fuck, they haven't been involved in a civil similar environment,
you know. That's just saying, you know.
Those are it translated over. Yeah, those are learned
behaviors. You know, I don't know.
Food for thought. Yeah, for sure.
All right, so now at the age of 20, Albert moved to New York
City with his mother and briefly made a living prostituting
himself to other men. He would later say that it was
around this time that he began to sexually assault children,
mainly boys. Before we get into the sad shit,
let's just say this. This man was ahead of his time.
18918 What? What, what year?
Yeah, it's like late 1800. Early late 1800s and he's openly
gay, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Ahead of us. Yeah, he.
Was. I don't know.
I'm just saying, you know, I'm trying.
I got to give him something. Well, hopefully you can give him
chlamydia. I don't know.
All right, so he started. Yeah, I'm going.
Yeah, I know. I don't know what else.
I'm just saying openly gay in the 1800s is.
Is a about? Yeah.
It's a drastic thing, right? You would you would be killed
back then for that. Probably sent to an an insane
asylum, but yeah, it's not about killed.
Yeah, this isn't fucking Germany.
Where they down? South Hello, you're Alabama.
Come on, you're prancing around eating fucking shit and piss
prancing. Around.
Prancing around eating shit and piss.
They're. Going to kill you.
You're. Going to think of the devil.
OK, All right. He started working.
Yeah. All right.
He started work as a painter,
which enabled him to move about to different locations.
He claims that he often lured children into basements of the
buildings he was painting. Around this time fish he started
another hobby, which was letter writing, which is back in the
late 1800s, letter writing was a hobby.
Yeah, yeah. He found the addresses of adult
women in newspaper lonely hearts ads and sent them obscene
letters filled with details of spanking them as well as
drinking their piss and eating their shit.
What the fuck? So at age 25, Albert's mother
fixed them up with 19 year old Anna Marie Hoffman and the two
were married not too long later. Now over the years, Albert and
Anna had six children together, Albert, Junior, John, Anna,
Gertrude, Eugene and Henry, who were all raised primarily by
Anna. As Albert was off, you know he
often traveled for work and you know for for painting and did
the special trips to have sex with fucking boys and shit you
know he. Was he was a busy guy?
Yeah, Yeah. You know, he had, he had, you
know, things he got to do, you know, And so on one occasion,
one of Fish's male lovers took him to a museum that featured an
exhibit of dissected and preserved body parts, Right.
So there was actually an an exhibit that was going around
not too long ago. It's called Bodies Revealed.
Do you remember that? Yep, I did it.
Yeah. That showed actual bodies, like
broken down into the various levels.
Like some had their skin removed, others had their entire
muscular system removed to reveal just a nervous system.
So I went to the Connecticut Science Museum as a chaperone
for my daughter's 6th grade class years.
Like this is years ago. And they had two bodies, a male
and a female. And they were positioned, they
positioned a woman in a reverse cowgirl position on top of the
guy body. Right now, if I remember
correctly, they they had the woman's abdomen like kind of
like open so you could see the the penis inside, inside the
woman. What?
The fuck? Yeah, this is I remember.
That scene, I I went to that same.
Exhibit I'm actually putting it up on the fucking video Oh,
you're putting it up there yeah OK so now here's the thing their
their real bodies donated to science OK so imagine being the
person who had to take a dead guy's Dick and insert it into a
dead woman's vagina and then cut the woman's abdomen out to show
what it looks like to have a Dick inside of a woman like
imagine that being your job I. Don't know, that's sounds
perfect for Albert fish. I don't know, I just, I just
wanted to throw it at it. It was like fucking wild.
That's funny that you had to sit there as a chaperone for.
For a 6th grade. For six girls.
Girls class. Yeah, look, kids.
Look. Kids, that's called reverse sky
girl looking. I'm at it.
Yeah, it was it was kind of awkward.
I was like, all right, so we're moving on, moving.
On to here. Look at There's the nervous
system. Oh wow, look at the brain.
OK, don't look at the penis. All right?
So back to Albert Fish. All right.
So he was fascinated by a dissected penis and became
obsessed with mutilating genitals throughout his life.
In 19 O3 at the age of 33, Albert was arrested for the
first time and convicted of grand larceny, for which he
served 16 months in Sing Sing Sing Sing Sing Sing.
While there, he acquired the nickname Shit Stick.
Or you could probably guess. Oh, he probably loves prison.
Dude what A and. If you can't guess why he was
called shit stick, it's because he liked to fuck dudes in the
ass and getting shit on his stick.
But anyway, I digress. Never mind.
Why not? This is this will get banned,
yeah. In 19.
Starts going. Off.
In in 1910, Fish met a mentally challenged man named Thomas
Kedden in Delaware and held him captive in an abandoned barn for
five weeks in what reads like a Penthouse Forum letter from
Hell. Fish later recalled the torture
he subjected Thomas to, including whipping, defecating
on him, and sticking needles in his ass.
He later recalled. How did he scream?
It was sweet music to my very soul to hear it and know that no
one else could. I clap my hands and jumped with
joy when I heard him screaming. It's like straight sadism.
Yeah, he's like sadistic as fuck.
He's such a fucking weirdo. So before releasing, Thomas Fish
severed his penis in half, bandaged it, gave him $10 and
kissed him goodbye. Fucking weirdo.
Yeah, like to, to to think that there's somebody that's even
like there's actual people in this world that are capable of
like being into this, enjoying this, getting sexually aroused
from that shit. It's it's wild.
Now, at 47 years old, in 1917, an incident occurred which many
believe instigated Albert's descent into madness.
I. Don't know he's already there.
Yeah, he's pretty fucking crazy now, but his wife left them for
a man named Jon Straub, a handyman who had been there
border. Although she returned a short
time later, she hid John in the basement.
It would make frequent trips down there for their little
trysts. A little.
You got a little they. Had a little.
Boom boom room down there in the fucking basement.
It's amazing. Always be a handyman.
Like. Well, that's what what was our
story? Oh, I just wish I could.
Reach these things, the Hinter Kifek story that we did the the
guy, yeah. It's amazing man if you can fix
stuff. He was a farmhand.
That's like a primal thing for women, dude.
It's a it's a good thing. Pool boy.
Some traits. That's this is like the old
timey version of a pool boy. Yeah.
Yep. Sitting there like.
You can fix the devil plumbing, can you?
I'm moister than an oyster. Yeah, can you drain my outhouse?
They don't. I don't think they drained him.
What do they do with them? I don't know that's that's for
later. Just make a new outhouse.
I don't know, like fill it in, make a new outhouse.
I don't know how do you where do you drain?
Kind of like when you do a gas you like stick a hose in it and
you siphon it out. Stop.
All right, all right.
So when Albert found out his wife was banging the handyman,
he was furious. And he threw them both out, you
know? So Anna left with all the
furniture, but she left the kids.
What a she's like, fuck them kids.
Give me the fucking couch. Give me the couch and that
armoire. You keep the kids.
You keep the children. By all accounts, Albert was a He
was a pretty good dad, if you know, by being a good dad means
involving his children. In the 1880s.
Or whatever it was. Yeah, there was.
The standard wasn't that high, but OK.
He's like, hey kids, you know, how about you whip me and
entertain them by inserting cotton into the, you know, his
butt hole? Oh, let me, let me redo that.
Christ, dude. Yeah, So he would have them whip
them with homemade leather whips and entertain, quote UN quote
them with inserting cotton into his butt hole and setting it on
fire. Do you ever do that with the
kids? No.
Come on, kids, gather around
you. Know what's so funny?
It's like you like this. Cat Cotton on.
That's what people don't realize is you.
You try to keep it light and then like you realize that there
is some. Fucked up fucking dumb.
Stories. This is why this is this right
here is why I did not want to fucking do this story.
Fuck, but we're doing it. We're here.
We're we're committed. We're committed, so let's go.
That's sick. Yeah, so the children, they
reported that Albert became delusional, screaming I am
Christ and saying that he received messages from God and
other biblical characters. Years later, he said it seemed
to me that I had to offer a child for sacrifice and to purge
myself of sins, inequities and abominations in the sight of
God. So that's what he had to do.
He had to sacrifice children because he's a fucking nut job.
I, I was about to say this too. You know, there's a little
paranoid schizophrenia. There's, there's, there's, I'm,
I'm looking at the mental aspect of it.
Undiagnosed psychological problems and paranoid
schizophrenia right off the rip. At least on.
On top of a whole bunch of shit. Yeah, and it and it seems like,
you know, like you said, like schizophrenia and whatnot.
It's it seems like when they go through that they're seeing like
biblical figures religious for like God or Jesus or.
But there's also devil demonic like dark shit too right with
those people. Yeah, it always seems to go and.
Back then they were just like, I do some cocaine about it.
Yeah, they would just they would prescribe you like it's
witchcraft. I don't know, Like they had no
actual fucking reasoning for. It Oh, let me.
Let me bleed you, yeah? Let's put some leeches on them,
bring them to the river, bathe them in fucking river juice.
Oh man. All right.
So yeah, July 1st, 1924, Fish noticed an 8 year old girl named
Beatrice playing on her farm in Staten Island.
He tried to entice her, but fortunately her mother was
nearby. And shoot him away.
Get away. Get away from my daughter.
Not to be deterred, Albert hid in the family's barn, hoping for
another chance to abduct Beatrice, but was chased off by
her father this time. Yeah, but again, he was not
going to give up. Maybe not so much with Beatrice.
He's going to move on to somebody else, right?
So he committed his first known murder at the age of 54.
He went entire his life. He went in his entire life and
at age 54, on July 14th, 1924, committed his first murder.
And now his eight-year old Francis McDonald, who was
playing in the street with other children in Staten Island, and
his mother was watching from the porch.
She noticed an older man, a man in Gray, walking up and down the
street observing them. Something about him gave her the
creeps. All of a sudden, little Francis
was gone. The neighbor recalled that he
had seen the boy being LED away into the woods by an older man.
Word of the missing. Boy, he didn't.
Stop it. Yeah.
Yeah, I saw a little, you know, look at her say.
Like what? Why?
Why is that time period so primitive?
Like I never understood that. I mean even now though dude.
No, there is 1000 fucking helicopter parents that would
that would never happen in today's society.
I get it there. Wouldn't it, wouldn't there'd be
six people that would have notified that person and that
this guy's like, ah, he went, he went in the woods.
The guy was holding his hand. It's fine.
I don't know. It's just.
It's he was with an older man. It blows my mind children were
like they were. They were expendable back then
back. I'm talking 1800s like it was
one like. But we also, we also did a case
not too long ago, well, actually a fucking long time ago.
The Genovese syndrome. Remember when somebody's in
trouble, people kind of like look the other way.
It's it's a no. Man, I wouldn't be able to do
that. I would not be like, no, I
wouldn't. I would have fucking red flag.
What the fuck are you doing? Yo, hey, hey, where the fuck you
going? Where you going with that kid
you fucking pervert? Instantly.
Without a doubt. I don't care like.
Yeah, well, they didn't do that back then.
And word of the missing boy spread and panic ensued.
Searchers found the body of Francis in the woods the
following morning. He was under a pile of branches,
and he had been strangled with his suspenders and atrociously
assaulted. According to the coroner,
atrociously assaulted. People became paranoid, and
sightings of this mystery Gray man were reported everywhere.
Parents began telling their children, hey, you'd better be
good or the Gray Man's going to get you.
Fish's next documented murder occurred on February 11th, 1927.
A 12 year old boy named Johnny was watching his two younger
neighbors, both 3 year old boys named Billy.
They were playing in the hallway of their Manhattan apartment
building when he was drawn inside by the crying of his baby
sister. So now Johnny goes inside the
two the two Billies are left outside, right?
He returned to find that both Billies had vanished and Billy
Beaton was found by his father safely playing on the roof, and
when asked where the other Billy had gone, he gave the chilling
reply. The boogeyman took him.
Because, you know, that's what he said, Yeah.
You know, that's what Albert said, yeah.
For sure, I'm the boogeyman. Yeah.
So as with little Francis, neighbors searched frantically
for Billy Gaffney, to no avail. Later, a trolley driver recalled
a boy matching Billy Gaffney's description being LED onto the
trolley crying by an old man with Gray hair, dressed in Gray.
It appears as though the Gray man had claimed his second
victim. After his arrest, Fish told the
police what happened to Billy. He said that he took him to an
abandoned house before he whipped him and cut his throat,
bringing his meat home to cook in a Stew with vegetables.
His remains were never covered, never recovered.
Yeah. Was it his first dance with
cannibalism? I believe that was you know.
On May 25th, 1928, Edward Budd placed an ad in the New York
world reading Young Man 18 Wishes Position and country,
Edward Budd, four O 6 W 15th St. Edward, who lived in a cramped
ground floor apartment with his parents and four siblings, was
looking to earn money doing something more pleasant than
just driving trucks. Little did he know that his
advertisement would set in motion events that would bring
to light one of the most deranged, insidious serial
killers the world has ever known.
A few days later a well dressed gentleman who addressed himself
as Frank Howard appeared at the Bud's door.
In response to the ad, Missus Delia Budd invited him inside
and Edward and his friend Willie appeared.
Edward asked if Willie could work with him as well on Mr.
Howard's farm, to which the old man agreed.
He then said that he had to leave as he had a business
appointment and would return on a Saturday with a car.
Since Mr. Howard was obviously Albert Fish had only been
expecting one young man, he had to make extra preparations for
an extra 1. He later told police that he
planned to tie up Edward, cut off his penis and leave him to
bleed to death. So on that Saturday he he sent
the Buds a handwritten telegram reading Bent Over in New Jersey
Call in the Morning. On Sunday, June 3rd, Mr. Howard,
quote UN quote, returned to the Bud apartment with pot, cheese,
strawberries and his weapons, which he referred to as his
implements of Hell, wrapped in a package.
As the family was having lunch with their guests, he asked if
they had received his telegram. Seeing it on the mantle, he
serendipitously placed it in his pocket, which was also observed
by Mr. Budd, who thought it was odd, but he didn't really say
anything. You sent those to Telegram and
now you're taken aback. It's kind of weird.
Whatever. And I'm sure a telegram was a
big deal back then. Oh yeah, that was like a that
was like a Christmas card. Anybody got the telegram?
That was a Christmas card back then.
Telegram here. That's when you.
That's when, like, your mom tapes up the Christmas cards.
Yeah, on the. On the mirror.
Or whatever. Yeah, over the threshold.
While they were waiting for Edward and Willie, 10 year old
Grace Bud entered the apartment. That beautiful little girl in
her Sunday church dress. She had brown hair, big dark
eyes and pale skin. What do you think's going to
happen, Garrett? I don't know man.
Mr. Howard immediately turned his attention to her.
Come here, a child, he said, gathering her onto his lap.
Let's see how good at counting you.
Are that's so fucking eerie I hate it.
To the family's astonishment, Mr. Howard whipped out a wad of
cash totaling $92.50, which back then is about $1300.
You know. Pulls out a band.
Yeah, just pull out a band now. After Grace had successfully
counted it, he praised her and gave her $0.50 to buy some
candy. Here's some candy, little girl.
Now she had run off, Mr. Howard, AKA Albert said.
I just remembered my sister is having a birthday party for my
niece. Do you think Grace would like to
go? I'll bring her back by 9 and
pick up Eddie and Willie. He added that his sister had
lived at 137th and Columbus. I'm I'm telling you, you don't
let a fucking stranger. It just goes to what I'm saying
about this fucking errand time. So Mr. and misses Bud.
Somewhat reluctantly, they agreed and Grace was excited as
she put on her fancy coat with fur trim.
That's so sad. She was excited to go to his
birthday party, so her mother watched as she walked out the
door, down the sidewalk with the old man, not knowing that it
would be the last time she would ever see her daughter.
When Grace failed to return by the night, the bloods notified
the police the following morning.
The following morning, I'd be like, She'd been going for three
hours. Yeah, but the police were
immediately suspicious when they heard that the address that
Mister Howard had given them, they were like Columbus that
ends at 110th, 110th St. not 137th St. you know, or whatever
it was. So they all so quickly learned
that there was no such person named Frank Howard that matched
the the description. So Mr. Budd recalled that the
stranger had taken the handwritten telegram with him,
which would provide police with their first clue.
They managed to track down the telegram office at which he has
sent it in Harlem and found the original handwritten copy with
his writing. I'm actually surprised.
I didn't know how telegrams work.
I didn't know that they kept copies I didn't like.
I didn't know there would be a paper trail for that.
I thought it would just be sent and then like you.
Said fill it out and send it, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting.
Now, in the meantime, hysteria broke out in the city again with
numerous Gray Man sightings. Three men were falsely
identified as Grace's kidnapper, and one was actually set to go
to trial when Missus Budd retracted her identification at
the last minute. That's not him, OK?
All had grown quiet, and Albert married again briefly in 1930.
This time his bride was Estella Wilcox, a divorcee with
children. This marriage only lasted a few
weeks though, because Albert he scaled it scared his children
with his. Name.
Yeah. Can you burn my butt?
Off They don't like stuffing cotton in people's assholes, you
know what I mean? So.
Dude, what is it? What a lunatic.
So Albert Fish was arrested again in 1934, but not for
murder. It seems that he he started his
habit of writing obscene letters to women again.
His ploy was to select A target, writing a slightly suggestive
letter. You know, just a little little
hint of of sexuality there. And if she responded, then he
would send increasingly more sexual and disgusting,
disgusting missives. The typical theme of these
letters was that he had a young son who was well built but
mentally handicapped and in need of discipline.
What? Yeah, he spent the rest of the
letter explaining to the recipient in graphic detail what
care the boy needed focusing. Focusing on spanking him and
attending to his bathroom needs. Like shitting on him or
something, I don't know. Unfortunately for Albert, one of
these recipients turned the letters into the police, who
then appeared at his roaming house with a warrant.
Upon searching his room, they found more letters, a homemade
whip in a fetid hot dog and carrot which he had been
pleasuring himself with. And for those.
So wait wait wait. Question.
Fetid means what? I had to Google this 'cause I
didn't know what. Fetid.
OK, 'cause I I don't know what fetid.
Means yeah, fetid. Means that it fucking stunk.
The holy fucking hell. So it was.
It was shit. Like rot.
Yeah. It was like fucking stank ass,
fucking like disgusting shit. Yeah, feted it.
Was feted shit. It's wired too.
It's like I guarantee you outside of people that listen to
these podcasts and and are and deep dive into the true crime.
World. Not a lot of people know who
Albert Fish is. And I like we're we're taking
this lightly because we have to, because we can't take it
seriously. I fucking hate, I hate doing
episodes about children fucking. Hate it.
So that's why we're drinking heavily on this episode.
If anybody can't tell, we're drinking heavily on this episode
and we're just trying to like, we're trying to breeze through
it basically, right. But the fact that this guy is
not a bigger name in like in that, that true crime world
blows my mind 'cause I guarantee you if I asked my my mom, my
mom, do you know who Albert Fish is?
She would have no clue. You know what I mean?
Someone who's not in that world, but she would know who, you
know, Ted Bundy, Dahmer, and she would know who those guys are.
But like, this has got to be one of the the most twisted and
sadistic and. Just.
Ruthless killers out of of all time.
It's just it's AI, just I. It's interesting how society
kind of just when something so crazy at the time, they just
pretend like it never happened. Correct.
Right. You know what I'm trying to say.
I feel like this is one of them. Back in the early 20s, we're
just going to pretend like this never happened.
It doesn't exist, right? It's it's, it's, it's
interesting to me. It's a.
It's a weird dynamic. As bad as this episode is, it
it's going to get worse. Yeah.
And we're just going to push through it.
All right, So. So the outer fish, he was
committed to Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital for 30 days
because they found the fucking hot dog that stunk.
The fucking holy hell. It was there that he was
determined to have manifested sexual perversion from an early
life. He was released 30 days later to
the custody of his daughter, Anna.
Oh, there you go. In 1830.
Oops. In 1934, Albert Junior witnesses
Father awakened from nightmares, sweating, gasping.
Sometimes he heard the name Grace mumbled.
Shivers. Yeah, to calm himself down,
Albert would shove needles into his skin.
Oh. Dude, sadism to the T.
Detective William King of the NYPD was still obsessively
searching for Grace Bud, and from time to time, he planted
stories in the newspaper about her, thinking that her kidnapper
was following the news and hoping to elicit some action on
his part. And when.
And guess what? It fucking worked.
It worked. Yeah, all right.
In 1934, Misses Bud received a letter from the kidnapper, and
since she couldn't read, Edward read it first.
Then he ran to give it to Detective King.
In the letter, which has become infamous, the kidnapper stated
that a friend of his visited China, where eating children had
become popular. After discussing this in some
detail, the writer said that he had decided to try eating
children himself and he recalled the day he had visited the buds
and wrote This is to the mother. Grace sat in my lap and kissed
me. I made-up my mind in that moment
to eat her. I took her to an empty house in
Westchester I had already picked out.
When we got there I told her to remain outside.
She picked wildflowers. I went upstairs and stripped all
my clothes off. I knew if I did not I would get
her blood on them. When all was ready I went to the
window and called her. Then I hid in the closet until
she was in the room. When she saw me all naked she
began to cry and tried to run down the stairs.
I grabbed her and she said she would tell her Mama first.
I stripped her naked, how she did kick and bite and scratch.
I choked her to death, then cut her in small pieces so I could
take the meat to the rooms and cook and eat it.
How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven.
It took me 9 days to eat her entire body.
I did not fuck her, though I could have if I wished.
She died a virgin. This is to the mother of this
child. Imagine reading that fucking
letter and you allowed your daughter to leave with this man.
My mind went somewhere else. I went real dark.
Like I fucking murder everybody, dude.
My mind went somewhere real dark right there in that.
And like, it's, it's the tone, it's the way he's like
describing. Matter of factly.
Yeah, it's, it's that, that's what really annoys me about
that, that whole letter. How sweet like he thinks he like
he. Thinks he's the man when he's
saying when he's saying it. That's the shit that like, I
wish I found out where you were. So, Detective King, He noticed
an emblem on the back of the envelope with the initials
NYPCBA. He figured out that it stood for
New York Private Chauffeurs Benevolent Association and paid
their office a visit. There he found that one member
had taken some of the stationery to his former rooming house at
200 E 52nd St. King went immediately to this
address where the landlady, Missus Schneider, identified a
drawing of Frank Howard as a sometime tenant of hers named
Albert Fish. She promised to call Detective
King the next time he appeared. On December 13th, 1934, Missus
Schneider called Detective King to inform him.
The Albert Fish had just arrived at her boarding house.
King rushed to the residence where he found his quarry
sitting at a table drinking tea. Albert Fish?
He asked. Fish nodded and stood.
However, as soon as King approached him, Fish whipped out
a razor blade from his pocket. The old man was no match for
King because he's like fucking 90 by now, who swiftly disarmed
him and handcuffed him. I got you now.
He said triumphantly. At police headquarters, Fish
quickly started talking. All right, he said, I'll tell
you all about it. I'm the man you want.
I took Grace Bud from her home on the third day of June.
I brought her to Westchester and killed her that same afternoon.
When asked why, he simply shrugged.
Fish explained that after taking Grace from the apartment, they
boarded the train with a one way ticket for Grace to Westchester,
23 miles away from the city. Oh, that's such an eerie fact,
dude. That the way you just included
that really just. The one way ticket.
The one way ticket got me. So he undressed himself and
unwrapped his implements of hell, a meat cleaver, a butcher
knife and a small hacksaw. When Grace entered holding a
bouquet of wildflowers she had picked, he jumped out naked and
the little girl screamed, dropped the flowers and began to
run. Fish grabbed her by the throat
and then he knelt on her chest while he strangled her.
He decapitated her with his knife, letting her blood drain
out into an empty paint can. When the can was full, he tried
to drink the blood but choked on it.
Albert had finally found a behavior that was too disgusting
even for him. He then dismembered Grace and
filleted her flesh in order to cook and eat her.
When asked again why he had killed Grace, Fish said.
You know I could not account for it.
By this time, word of the capture of the Gray Man had
spread and everybody wanted to know more about this mysterious
figure. The press had a field day,
dubbing him such colorful names as the Werewolf of Wisteria, the
Vampire of Brooklyn, and the Moon Maniac.
Over the next few days, a scene of Wisteria Cottage was circus
like with police, medical examiners, press and onlookers.
Grace's skeletalized remains were dug up and placed in a box.
While in jail, Fish complained of pain when he sat and
conjunctured that it must be related to the needles he had
stuck in his body. An X-ray was taken and sure
enough, 29 needles were found deep inside his pelvic region.
He has literally become a human pincushion.
When Fish went to trial, his defense was, not surprisingly,
not guilty by reason of insanity.
There were two whole days of psychiatric testimony, during
which one of the psychiatrists said there is no known
perversion, that he did not practice and practice
frequently. The defense introduced the idea
that he was suffering from lead colic, a form of dementia caused
by inhaling lead paint from his years working as a painter.
Could could not be. I mean, you know what I mean?
Like that that's. Lead paint does has done known
to fuck somebody up. Fuck some like psych
psychotically up. Like there is proof of that.
Yep. So after deliberating for only
six hours, the jury came back and said go fuck yourself and
you fed it hot dog fucking. Don't, don't get me wrong, he
deserves everything then, right? And actually he deserves more.
But you know. Yep, you're fucking guilty, so
take your hot dog and shove it up your fucking ass where you
look at. They later said that while they
all believed him to be insane, they thought he should go to a
lecture chair anyway, so fuck him.
Yep. So Fish was executed in the
electric chair at Sing Sing Prison on the night of January
16th, 1936. His last meal was roast chicken
that was fed to him by a prison guard to avoid a suicide attempt
because a few months earlier Fish had attempted to slit his
wrist with the bone of AT bone steak.
So they had to feed him. They weren't.
He wasn't allowed to eat, feed himself.
Oh, he was really not trying to go out by them.
Yeah, Yep. So on the way to electric chair,
Fish told the guards with great anticipation.
It'll be the supreme thrill, one that I haven't tried being
electrocuted. After he was strapped in the
chair, he was given a chance to say his last words, to which he
stated, I don't even know why I'm here.
Fucking nut job. Prior to his death, he gave a
written statement to his attorney who said I will never
show it to anyone. It was filled with the most
filthy string of obscenities that I have ever read.
That goes back to him writing those, you know, obsid anything
like filled letters and all that stuff.
Like I guarantee you, that was probably one of the grossest
things humanity has ever published writing.
The depth of his dark fucking he probably.
Just went. All out and I guarantee, and I
applaud the attorney for doing that.
So you applauded his defense attorney?
Yes, Wow. Yeah, good job, Gary.
I I got I. Applaud his defense attorney.
For saying I will never show this to anyone, this is the.
Yeah, it's just that bad, Yeah. And it probably was mocking the
families and all it's it's. In trying to explain himself,
Fish said I always had a desire to inflict pain on others and to
have others inflict pain on me. The desire to inflict pain, that
it's all that it's uppermost. So that's that for Albert Fish.
So thank you again to Debbie from True Prime University for
writing the story. Before we jump into dear douche
bags, what do you think of the story again?
Dude. I just, I'm glad we got through
it. I, I even said you said it and I
said it and I was like, Albert Fish is a good one to do, but
it's, it's what's one of those ones?
Obviously everybody who who's listening to the podcast for a
while understands that we don't do well with.
With kid ones. With kid ones, so I think we we
handled it well. I think we did.
We got, we got some. Libations, yeah.
We got to. Remember that for next time.
Next time we do a kid one, we got to have like a lot of
libations to get through it because that was yeah,
especially, especially the the Grace Bud part of it.
Yeah, the wild, the wildflowers gets me every time.
Yeah, the fucking. I hate it.
Like to to be this innocent little girl, especially anybody
who has like little, little. Anyone who had a daughter in her
life too understands that. Like, she's probably just walked
in like, oh, look at the flowers I picked.
Yeah, and here comes this dude. I'm gonna fucking kill you
because I'm a fucking weirdo, Yeah.
It's just one of those things. Yep All right, so head on over
to Spotify and good pause and tell us what you thought of the
fucking episode. And now it's.
Of the worst person in the world, the.
Worst person in the world? Yep.
So now it's time for another installment of Deer Douche Bags
where you send in what is troubling you and we give you
our best advice and how to handle it.
Which is probably the worst advice you'll probably ever
receive. All right, we have two requests,
which is shocking that two people want to hear our advice,
but here we go. So first up is annoyed in
marriage. Whoa.
No, I can't do this. Yeah, Oh, yeah.
So. Oh, here we go.
We got like a single guy and a married guy.
Yeah, yeah. So Annoyed writes.
Hello, douchebags. Hello, Annoyed.
I am one of your older fans. My husband is now 70 years old
and he's, he's even more boring and annoying than he was 42
years ago when I met him. Is it OK to throw a pillow over
his mouth and nose when he sleeps?
I'm trying to talk to him. Then I could just use his body
as an armrest. So who the fuck set this in?
Any suggestions are welcome. So basically.
Wait, wait, go back up. Who was the?
What was her name?
Or. His name, his name, just.
Annoyed. Just, yeah, annoyed in marriage,
okay. Annoyed in marriage?
So basically like when she's trying to talk to him about
things he just falls asleep while while in the middle of her
talking to him he's just like. He's even more boring and
annoying than he was 42 years ago.
Wow, I wonder if Annoyed in Marriage is actually Jill Biden.
All right, all right, go ahead at. 70 years old I I needed to
know how long they were actually married for.
Well, they met for 42 years, 40. Two years ago, 42 years.
That is more boring and annoying now.
But but is that just, is that just age catching up to you?
Is that that's a long time to be married to somebody?
That is an incredibly long time and you have to give yourself
credit for that. Yeah, that's a.
That's a. 42 years together is some serious dedication.
Time management. Yep.
I've been through two marriages and neither of them lasted more
than seven years. Exactly 42 years give yourself
credit for. That and even.
If he's boring, he still lasted 42 years together.
You know what? Annoyed?
I think that you are insane for going that long.
Correct. But the question is, should she
throw a pillow over his face? No.
What? No, you don't kill.
Your husband a 42. Year.
No, you don't. Kill him.
It takes a long time to like, kill somebody that way.
Just knock him out. No, no.
Have him wake up a couple hours later, like what the fuck
happened? You know, it's like the thrill
of like I could. I I just.
I could do. It, I think, I think you really
got to step back. I'm giving.
I'm giving, honest. Advice here?
You're joking. You're joking.
I'm serious. I think, I think you need to
accept the good things, let go of the bad things and just
realize, hey, we made it 42 years.
It it obviously wasn't that bad. You might be joking a little bit
sending into the podcast, but if it if you lasted 42 years, it
wasn't horrible. There's some sort, there's
something holding you guys together.
I I spice it up too, I can see that.
Spice it up, tell him to fucking.
How you going to spice it up with a 70 year old?
Oh a 70 year old can throw on AG string, wait at the top of the
stairs for the bouquet of flowers like.
I mean, Albert Fish's father was 75 when he was busting, no.
Exactly. You can still have kids
according to Albert Fish, though.
Yeah. The way I look at it is 42
years. It's 42 years. 42 years that you
wasted. Oh no, dude.
Here you are 42 years later. You're bored, you're fucking
annoyed. You're like, what did I do with
my fucking life? You know?
I don't know. That's the way I would look at
it. Yeah.
You know, I think that's that's a scorn versus a better outlook.
It's the scorn versus the looking to to some sort of
light. Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, try the pillow. See, the pillow works, Pillow
doesn't work. I don't know what's the saying
that if at first you don't succeed, it's only attempted
murder. It's only attempted murder.
And you can go. Find the the criminal AF merch.
That's it. Yeah, find that T-shirt in the
hoodie on in the merch shop. If anybody doesn't tell you I'm
proud of you for sticking it out 42 years, it's that's a that's a
big accomplishment. Look at it like that.
Even if you settled. Yeah, even though you wasted 42
years of your life, I. Don't.
Know if you're able to keep that one.
In maybe not 42 years, maybe half of that you wasted.
Yeah, everybody gets like that, though.
You become roommates at at at. When you're 60-70 years old,
you're just hanging out. I don't know.
Some people still got the little spice.
You know they want a little spice in their life.
But it's on, it's on both people to to keep that going.
I get that, but apparently he falls asleep.
He's falling asleep like. He's an old man.
He's falling. Asleep too.
She's probably like, hey, honey, can we get a little action?
He's like, you know, just fucking falls asleep.
So I don't know, try to pillow see what happens.
So there you go. There you go.
Annoyed in marriage. How's that?
Annoyed in marriage? All right, Yeah, all right.
Next up we have Naughty in Neverland.
Naughty in Neverland is probably the best.
Like Patreon? Name whatever we've heard
Naughty in Neverland. All right, I need some bad
advice. Especially for the Albert Fish
fucking episode. Come on.
I need some bad advice. They're douche bags.
I've been talking with a friend quote UN quote late at night.
We've only met once in real life and that meeting, you know is
harmless. You.
Know. But lately we've become a little
bit more flirtatious and there may or may not have been some
topless pics that were sent. OK.
Side note, I also may be married.
Dying to know what you guys think.
What are we? We're just marriage.
Counselors. Here, I guess criminal AFI guess
we're working on marriages here, I guess, so I don't know.
All right, so you sent nudie pictures.
Well, no, I well. Is this what she's saying?
Yeah, I sent topless pics, OK. I sent topless pics and was
flirting with somebody that I met once.
Yeah. I mean, I would, I would imagine
they've been talking. I don't know.
Yeah, obviously it was. They met up in person once, it
was harmless and then they've been more flirtation on the
phone, just like a normal relationship starts.
Like they met I. Don't know, there's so much.
They met and maybe one of them hit the other one up on Facebook
or something. I don't know.
I think it's, I think there's a lot of unanswered questions here
that we have to, we have to know the information before is, is
there her marriage going well? Is she happily married?
Is she just looking for some excitement?
Like. What are we?
Talking about how far is it
going to go? Yeah, you know what I mean?
Like are you? Joking or you just sending
topless pictures to like feel alive again.
There's there's so much unknown in this question.
There is. Yeah, it's still wrong.
Still wrong. Still wrong, still wrong.
OK, You're still married, you're still sending topless pictures,
you're still flirting. Better than a hooch shot, but.
Yeah, don't. Yeah, don't, don't send the but
hoochie. I I would need to know more to
actually really answer this question.
Yeah, well, hypothetically speaking, healthy marriage.
Healthy marriage, OK? Healthy marriage.
You guys are good. You're loving, you're still
having sex. You got OK.
And things are great and you're doing this?
I don't know. I would probably be pissed if I
was a husband. I would be too.
I'd be if I found out about it, I'd be fucking livid.
I oh, I would be livid regardless, even if we weren't
doing well. All right.
So OK, now let's go with that. You're not doing well.
I don't know.
What if it's I'm just throwing out fucking hypotheticals here.
What if it's like, like you said, you just become friends by
that time, you know, like you're married, but it's just like
we're we're just friends basically.
And you're not getting that fucking spice, that little spice
somewhere else. Do you just go ahead and just
fucking or do you you handle your fucking marriage first?
I think a lot of the problems that comes down to that is
communication, because I always think there's one partner in the
dust left out to the wind. On the outside looking in on.
The outside looking in, he thinks that everything's fine or
she thinks that everything's fine and the other one says
Nope, I've been unhappy for years.
You never The communication was what?
You know what I'm trying to say. The communication was never
there, right? What you guys weren't
communicating in the beginning. And that's the sign of the
downward spiral of the marriage, not just the fact that she's
flirting with her other dudes, sending pictures, whatever the
fuck this one was. So I think that even though you
say, oh, it's happily if, if somebody's doing that, it's not,
there's something, there's some sort of problem there.
So what I would say in this question is figure out what that
problem is. Talk.
Communicate. Communicate.
Figure it out. Say what's wrong, say what's on
your mind, and even if you have to tell them what you've been
doing, you do it. Kind of like, hey, this is
what's happening in our in our marriage.
Yes, obviously this is a this is a issue.
We need to correct it. I've actually fucking been
sending fucking tits to fucking another fucking person.
Sure. As long as if, even if it's
super shocking, as long as it gets the conversation going, the
only way you're going to solve something is if you talk about
it. That I think that's the biggest
problem with marriages in today's.
No communication. You just, you just breakdown.
You're not the same people that you were when you got married at
the beginning. You become standoff as you do
your own thing, and you don't just.
Just talk and don't be sending fucking.
And don't. Yeah.
Talk first. Then send tits.
Talk it out if it doesn't work. It doesn't work.
Send as many tits. As you want.
Send me tits yeah. Let's talk about it first.
Figure it out, figure out your problems.
I don't know communication. I just I I must I'm a huge trick
like. Communication guy, I agree.
Communication, talk, it doesn't matter if it's going to be an
awkward conversation, she's going to get mad, whatever, just
talk about it. And then you always use that.
Well, if we don't talk about it, I'm telling you, guys, listen,
guys out there listening, you bring that up.
Well, if we don't talk about it, it'll never get resolved.
It'll instantly get refreshed. Even if it's a touchy subject,
She'll come. She'll be happy that you
actually at least at least came to her.
Yeah. Works.
Telling you I've done that in the past.
Telling you I've done it, I've done it in a relationship, Yeah.
Where I'm like, hey. This is the problem.
This is not working out. Even if.
Even if she gets mad about it, it's better to talk about.
It this is not this is not working out the way that I would
want our relationship to be working out.
And this is where I, I'm standing at this moment.
You know, there may or may not be, you know, somebody else
who's showing me interest. I do not want to reciprocate,
however, because I love you. I'm having fun.
However, if I don't feel that from you anymore, correct,
Obviously, then what are we doing here?
Yep. You know what I mean?
Actually. I I I've been this can.
This can actually be good for you because it can steer you in
the direction that you want to go in the rest of your life.
You don't waste your time, right?
And if you're not happy, don't be happy.
Explain why you're not happy. That's all I gotta say.
Don't just keep it fucking bottled.
In fucking Doctor Garrett. Don't just keep it bottled in.
I'm just saying don't keep it bottled in.
Just explain because if you keep it bottled in, it's never going
to end, right? It's always going to end.
It's going to end bad, Yeah. So eventually.
Even if it starts to fight today, get the fight done today
and figure out the problem now. Then go down 10 years down the
road and then have a shitty fucking ending to your
relationship. Definitely.
It's not worth it. Get the fight done now fight
now. Get the.
Fuck up in someone's face. Fucking fight.
I'm just. Kidding, I love you all.
Yeah, Gary, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm impressed with you.
I like that. OK, that was good.
True words. Ten years, by the way.
Ten years married, yeah. Ten years, married at 32.
Not bad, not. Bad.
Not bad. Not saying I'm an expert, I'm
not. I have no clue.
I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm not an expert.
No clue what I'm doing. But it works out.
But it works. Out.
But I would have to say like for example you're.
Your marriage with Kelly, like both of you.
Oh, we, we fight like hell. It's like a loving fight.
But you we communicate, you communicate, correct?
It's the I'm telling you 100%. It's the biggest fucking thing.
Communication's huge. And by that, it puts you both on
the same fucking page. You're you both know what is
expected of each other. You know exactly.
We're fucking up. We know we're fucking up.
Right. Even if we fuck.
Up we're like, hey, I fucked up so.
Wow, Garam. I really am.
I'm really impressed. That's good.
So keep sending them titty pictures.
Yeah. I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
Figure it out. First, yes, and then keep
sending them that's. Right.
If it's if it doesn't go anywhere, send the titties, send
the titties, send the titties, whatever.
At least you tried. You have to try.
The true, the true crime douchebags send the tits.
Yeah, send the titties. I mean, I'm not going to say no
to titties if anybody wants to send them, but you know, hey,
whatever. All right, so that'll do it for
this episode of Ham and Eggs Fucking Fish by Criminal AF.
Let us know what you thought of this episode.
Like I said before, go to Good Pod, Spotify or leave a review
on Apple Podcast. And thank you all for hanging
out with us today. Thank you.
Head on over to criminalassfuck.com to ask us
anything you'd like via our mail call tab or as we just did.
You want our shitty, shitty advice?
Go hit us up on a dear douche Bags tab now signing off from
studio chloroform. Keep your head on a swivel and
stay safe. Till next time, see.
You. Now give.
Me Our theme music executive producers for this episode are
Christine Rivera, That's Davis, That's DJ Hicks and Terry Burke.
Bowen. Associate producers are Paul
Hodge, Tyra Mazer, Chantelle Daggett, Jay from Fight Flick
FMK, Cherise Webb, Corey Cribs, Donnie Blake and Jared Rhodes.
Producers are JD Trent Gobble, Devin Dean, Ashley O'Connor,
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That Chad, Emily White, Ian Turner, Emily Dick and Dasher,
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