Have you ever looked at a woman and thought, how does she look
so calm, cool, collected and powerful?
We've spent the last decade studying the habits of high
achieving women. In this episode, we'll show you
the real playbook, the daily tools and tips that the top 1%
women follow. Backed by science, used by the
most powerful women in the world, and tested by us.
And today, we're bringing down the five habits that actually
make a difference. And no, it's not Drink lemon
water or wake up at 5:00 AM. These are actual methods that
are backed by research, science and results, and we're bringing
them to you today. I'm Cherie.
I'm. Jean and we're the.
Tiger Sisters. We are the Internet's Wall
Street and Silicon Valley Big Sisters.
And we're a top ten business podcast on Spotify where we talk
about money, power and love. And for each habit, we're going
to share where it came from, from a business book, a
psychological research study, and executive training program.
And we're going to give you a real life case study or two,
like we did at Stanford's Business School and Harvard's
Business School. And finally, we'll have many
exercises for you to do in each section so you can apply it to
your own life today. And don't skip this next part.
It actually changed our entire mindset about what it takes to
level. Up and the first habit that
we're starting with sounds simple, but it is career
changing and that's separating fact from feeling.
This is one of the most powerful ideas from cognitive behavioral
therapy, also known as CBT, and it's used by leaders, therapists
and high performers to stay clear headed in high pressure
and stressful situations. And this is something that is
constantly reinforced in leadership training.
In fact, aside from the case studies, there's a whole HBR
Harvard Business Review article that is called Emotional Agility
that's all about this. Susan David writes that the key
to resilience isn't necessarily just not having emotions, It's
actually just separating stimulus from response.
At HBS, this is a key lesson that's taught in leadership
classes where emotional regulation and leadership sort
of skills are taught side by side.
And a lot of times you hear the professors say separate signal
from noise, and this habit really trains that muscle.
So something really tactical that you can do is an idea from
Brené Brown to createspace between stimulus and response.
You can write down these words. The story I'm telling myself is
dot dot dot. I really like this prompt
because it creates space and it separates what is your
perception from what is the reality.
We actually learned this phrase at Stanford in my Interpersonal
dynamics class because something that's really important is
separating intent from impact. And this is something that Gene
and I talk about specifically in our Stanford Business School
episode, Part 3. And I think this just takes it
to the next level, 'cause you can actually write down the
story in my head, the story I'm telling myself is this.
And it's a very clear way to make sure that you're only
talking about impact and not intent.
Yeah. And to bring in a case study, a
really good example of this is the former CEO of PepsiCo, Indra
Nooyi. So what she used to do is during
tense meetings, if someone said something that was potentially
kind of like negative inflammatory, inflammatory, she
would actually write down what they said verbatim so that she
could actually reflect on it later instead of reacting in the
moment. And what this actually did is it
helped her avoid having an emotional reaction distort the
actual data. And so the mini exercise for
this section is to take 5 minutes tonight and jot down a
moment that triggered you. In one column write exactly what
was said and done, basically what is the observed behavior.
And then in the other column write down how you feel and
remember you should ask yourself, did the event 'cause
my emotion or did my interpretation of the event
cause the emotion? Damn.
OK, next we're moving on to the second habit.
And definitely don't skip this one, especially if you ever
looked at your calendar and felt totally overwhelmed right after
this. Applying to business schools.
It's a lot. We know.
Every decision feels high stakes.
Where to apply? When to apply?
How do you stand out? You're Googling everything
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Those months applying to Business School, they were some
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Having an expert to guide you through the complicated
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step in the application process. All right, now back to our show.
OK, the second habit is called ruthless calendar alignment.
So this is from Greg Mccone's book called Essentialism.
And honestly, it's changed our lives.
So Greg is a Stanford lecturer who now trains execs at
companies like Apple and Google. And the whole premise of what he
says is he argues that success doesn't come from doing more, it
just comes from doing less, but better.
And the most important habit here is that your calendar
reflects your priorities. And just like a personal
anecdote is that I live and die by my calendar.
Jean and I do calendar invites for everything.
And so like if something is put on our calendar by someone else,
or if your calendar is controlled by someone else, like
a Co worker or a boss, you're kind of at the whim of what
someone else wants you to do. So like something you can do is
like, go look at your calendar and figure out what your values
are. Because if you say you want to
spend time going to the gym but you don't have a calendar block,
is it really something that you value?
Exactly. And that's basically the entire
premise of essentialism. And this is something we talked
about a lot at HBS. We actually did this case study
called Sheryl Sandberg Defining Leadership.
And one of the big things that she talks about in it is how
every day she would block off time for dinner with her family
because she said that was her priority.
And so she was like, I need to make sure I reflect it in my
calendar. And since this was her non
negotiable, it was kind of a power move on her part.
And it was also a way of her leading and defining the culture
of Facebook. Is that like she wasn't just
showing it was what she said it was by what she did?
And so the exercise walkthrough that you can use today is to
print out your calendar for the last week.
Go through each of the events on your calendar and color code
them green. It means it's aligned with your
values. It could be work, it could be
personal, it could be working out, it could be anything.
But then color code it red if it does not align with your
priorities or your values. If it doesn't serve you cut it
or delegate it. Because if you say yes to
everything like panels, dinners, events, meetings, you will find
that your calendar is controlled by other people and not
necessarily by yourself. And that's not even something
that you're doing like consciously, it's like
subconscious because then things and obligations are just put on
your calendar and you feel like you have to do them.
Essentialism, OK, coming up next, is one of the most
underrated habits on how people perceive you, especially if
you're the youngest, the newest, or the only woman in the room.
And we'll get to it right after this break.
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of Tiger Sisters. Now back to the show.
And we're back. OK, so the third habit is owning
the room with language. So you can always tell who has
power in a room not by who's speaking the loudest, but who is
speaking the most clearly. And I think a really important
premise to understand is not that language reflects power, it
actually creates. Power.
Yes. And one of my professors, Dr.
Deb Gruenfeld, taught this at Stanford's Business School.
Power is signaled in the language that you use.
So hedging phrases like, hey, I just wanted to say or I think
maybe those definitely weaken your message.
Yeah, and this is definitely a topic that we cover at Harvard
Business School and also in Harvard Business Review.
There's tons of articles about this.
So there's one that's called Your Words Matter, Talk Like a
Leader where it basically explores the sort of gendered
language that usually comes into play whenever people are talking
at work. Yeah, there's honestly even a
meme about this where I've seen on TikTok people are like, going
to write my emails like a man and like, you know, the woman is
like backspacing and like removing all the exclamation
points and all the the justs and like removing the weakening
language. Right.
Because adding these fillers like I think, or just like you
might think, it makes you sound nice, but really it comes off as
uncertain. At Stanford, in my executive
communications class, we were taught to count these phrases
when we give our presentations, record ourselves, see how many
times we say it, and try to remove them because we want to
remove the weakening language and make sure we sound as
confident as possible. Honestly, it's so hard.
I, I still, we still get comments on this podcast where
people say, I say the word like all the time.
And I know I do it and I'm trying to to cut it out, but
it's something you have to practice.
Yeah, over time, it doesn't just happen.
You have to be very. Intentional about it, Jinx.
Jinx. So to bring in a case study,
Michelle Obama is a really good example of this.
So in her book Becoming, she talks about how she would
practice her speeches for weeks to remove all the filler words.
She studied cadence like a performer.
Something that I'm trying to do to remove filler words is
instead of putting an or alike, I'm trying to pause, yeah.
And use the power of the pause so that what I say sounds a bit
dramatic and sounds less uncertain.
Yeah. I think that that can be really
hard for people. But again, it's something that
you need to practice. And that's why Michelle Obama,
when she speaks, she sounds so clear, confident, direct.
It's because all of the things when she gives a speech are
practiced. The cadence, the language, even
the pauses. She bakes those in exactly where
she wants them. I feel like you're doing it now.
Am I? It sounds good.
Oh, thanks. Live, it sounds good.
Wow. I wasn't.
OK.
Thanks. Thanks, Jerry.
OK, so this exercise walkthrough is very quick, but record a
voice note from a meeting. It doesn't have to be the entire
meeting. It can just be from a small
portion. And it's when you're speaking so
that you can listen to it back afterwards and count the number
of times you hedge. So this is, you know, the phrase
is like just or sorry or I think actually.
And if you can count those and then later go in and rework
those sentences. So instead of saying I just
wanted to follow up, you could say instead following up on our
last note. Actually, you know there is
software now that does this. So for example, read AI.
One of our sponsors for our podcast Yeah.
It actually records your meeting.
And not only does it take note of the sentiment, it takes care
of the taking the notes, it gives you the action items, but
also it tells you how many filler words you used and what
percentage and how you can improve it over time.
That's what's kind of like a coach.
Yeah. Isn't that crazy?
OK, just in time for Habit 4, which is to ask for feedback
before you think you're ready. So this is from Kim Scott's
Radical Candor. And the whole premise behind
this is instead of trying to be perfect and showing up only when
you're done with everything, show your work early instead and
get feedback early on. Yes, I love this book by Kim
Scott. It's actually a book that I read
very early in my career. I think I'm one of my managers.
Gave it to me when I was at LinkedIn.
Albert, Albert, everything. Everything good goes back to
Albert, whether or not it should be attributed to him.
But what this book says is that early feedback is what separates
fast growth leaders from the ones that plateau.
Damn. Top women ship early and often,
and feedback is not a weakness, it's a gift.
Right. And in the Harvard Business
Review, they call this the feedback fallacy, which is that
most people don't actually grow from either critique or praise.
They grow from insights. And the only way you can get
these insights is to actually invite this feedback.
And this is something that we practice all the time at Harvard
Business School. And in fact, it was like a very
core part of the entire experience and curriculum, which
is that in every class you're expected to speak up and Give
your opinion on the case, whether or not you actually know
the like industry or like fully understand the premise or if
you're an expert in it or not. The whole point is to just Give
your opinion and practice speaking as much as you can.
Oh, and one more point on that is that actually 50% of our
grade for every class was based on class participation.
And it's not how good your comment is.
It's literally just saying a comment at all.
So they're always incentivizing you to speak up and kind of like
say something even before your thought is fully baked and
before it's perfect. And this is a muscle that
especially women need to train. Yeah.
And I think this is really important for women because
oftentimes we can try and perfect our thought or our
message in the meeting room and we're like trying to figure out
the best and most perfect way to say something.
But oftentimes, as we're doing that, the meeting is still
moving along. And I'm just going to talk from
personal experience. I'm like thinking in my head.
I'm like, how do I word this so that I sound smart?
And I'm not like sounding like an idiot.
I know what I'm talking about. And then the meeting moves on
and the moment passes and you're like, oh shit.
I can't even say what I wanted to say because then it's like
over. Yeah.
And on that point, one thing I had to really work very hard to
get over is that I always had such a high bar for myself in
any sort of comment that I would contribute.
I always felt like it had to be something that was, like,
groundbreaking or nobody else had mentioned or thought of.
And it would, you know, people would be like, wow, like, that's
crazy. Never thought of that.
But that's not what men hold themselves to at all.
Yeah. Like they just say whatever the
hell comes into their mind and they will just like, say it and
go. With it and then feel confident
about saying it. Yeah, so.
I need some of that energy because what I say is smart.
I just need to believe in myself.
Yeah. And you just need to believe
that your contribution is worthwhile.
Yeah. But now that we have our
podcast, we can say whatever we want.
Yeah, it's just the two of us. Hell yeah.
And as a high-powered leader, normalize getting feedback as a
habit and don't feel like it's a performance critique.
Yeah, and that's another big part of the idea of the feedback
fallacy, is that feedback doesn't have to be perfect to be
useful. It actually just has to be
directional and timely. OK, so moving on.
This final habit might seem very simple, but it's actually the
one that creates the biggest change over the long term.
The biggest lifestyle change that you can do is actually a
recommendation from James Clear's book called Atomic
Habits and this is to bring in identity habits into your life.
So the idea is, don't just set goals, set your identity.
If you want to write, don't say I want to write, Say I am a
writer. Because these identities are
what drive your action. OK so we're going to give 2
examples of this. So the first one is Beyoncé or
AKA Sasha Fierce. So this one I feel like is
pretty well known. But the idea is that Beyoncé
took on this persona called Sasha Fierce, which she used for
both interviews and for performance, in order to kind of
make herself not nervous for any of those things.
So she basically took on a new identity as her performance
stage identity. Right.
And it's kind of, they call it mental priming.
And the second example is Simone Biles where she talked about in
interviews before that she uses affirmations and identity work
as part of her Olympic training. So she would say things like, I
am powerful, I am unshakable, I am the best gymnast in the
world. And all of that is not
arrogance, obviously, because she is the best gymnast in the
world. But it's actually identity.
They call it identity locking and it's neuro Linguistic
Programming is what it is. Yeah, I mean, affirmations and
mantras are so important because what you say is how you actually
perceive yourself. Like so much of what you say is
perception. And I saw a video recently and
it's just like language is key because think about an example.
Like if you're with someone who calls you a like a dummy, like
every day, like a partner, like that can be really hurtful to
your identity of who you are, even if you do think you're
smart and you know you're not a dumb person.
But just like having that language around you chips away
at you slowly. So I think having a very clear
identity and language combination helps you build the
best habits. OK, so the mini exercise for
this is to pick an identity that you are currently stepping into.
So maybe it's founder, creator, investor, athlete.
And every morning you say it out loud.
So you say I am Aceo. Or you could say I am calm, or
you'd say I am smart. I am unshakable, you know.
Yeah, there's actually a mantra that I listen to in the
mornings. It's on Spotify.
If you just say, hey, Spotify, play Divina Ho on Spotify.
She has a bunch of these. I guess they're like songs, but
basically they're like morning mantras that I play.
And you just repeat after her for like 15 to 20 minutes after.
She's just like, I am unshakable.
And you're like, I am unshakable.
Wow. You just repeat after her.
And sometimes they play it in the car on the way to the gym.
Is this the key to your success? Perhaps so.
First of all, it plays automatically on Cherise.
I like to wake up to it because they have a couple of different
songs and one of them is like a wake up 1.
Well, and then when she's not here, it still plays
automatically. I've.
Turned it off. It was only Monday through
Wednesdays. Gosh.
And I've turned it off since. I am unshakable.
I am unwakable. Except for when.
Davina Hos comes on Davina Hos mantras.
Oh, and then the last part of the mini exercise is that you
actually take some actions that reflect your I AM statement.
And if you guys feel comfortable, we would love it if
you could share some of your I AM identities in the comments so
that we can see them, we can comment them, comment on them,
and we can all just like feel part of.
This together and feel very supportive because we're going
to like them too. We'll like and reply.
So thank you guys for tuning into this episode.
We're going to do a quick take away section and recap.
What are the five habits that really transform your life?
And so the first one is separating facts from feelings.
This is where we talked about cognitive behavioral therapy.
The second is being super ruthless about your calendar
priorities and making sure that they align with what you feel is
your most valued activities. The third was owning the room
with language. This is where language
transforms into power. And remember the example with
Michelle Obama? #4 was to ask for feedback early
from Radical candor and remember that feedback doesn't have to be
perfect to be useful, it just needs to be timely and
directional. And then the last one is
identity based actions from Atomic Habits.
And remember the statements I am.
We so appreciate you guys tuning in into this episode and if you
enjoyed it, Please remember to like, comment, and subscribe.
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Thank you guys so much for tuning in, and we'll see you
next time. Bye.