If you want the road map for a total life reset, you are in the
right. Place If you're feeling behind,
heartbroken, stuck, or in some weird in between, this is your
reset playbook. Because starting over isn't just
one singular decision. It's emotional, it's habits,
it's health, it's identity. It's love.
We're doing this episode at the end of the year because this is
when life slows down naturally and you can actually have some
time to reflect. But even if you're listening to
this in January, March, or like a random Tuesday, it all
applies. Starting over doesn't require
the new year or January 1st. Give us 60 minutes and we will
give you 6 frameworks that cover both the emotional and the
practical side of starting over. Everything from career, life,
love and habits. You don't need motivation, you
need a system. You're not behind, you're in
transition. In Part 1, we talk about the
emotional map, William Bridges transitions, Carol Dweck's
mindset, and designing your life.
And Part 2 is the tool kit that you can use immediately.
Atomic Habits Vulnerability by Brené Brown and Rewriting Your
Narrative by Esther Perel. And we also have many exercises
throughout, so you're not just listening, you're doing the work
with us. A quick note, we actually
released these episodes four months ago and seven months ago.
We still use the frameworks and reflect on them so.
Whether you're starting over in your career, in love, after a
breakup, after a layoff, or you just want to reinvent yourself,
this. Is the ultimate road map.
Rewrite the story that no longer serves you.
Let's get into it. Today's episode is presented by
Sofi, the all in one finance app that allows you to bank borrow
investor money in one place and or back.
So one of the reasons why we want to talk about this topic is
because transitions happen all the time, especially when you're
in your early 20s and 30s, I would say when you're coming out
of school. So much of my identity, both
professional and personal, was built around my career, for
better or for worse. And when something big happens
like a transition, I didn't really have the tools to handle
it. So I'm so glad we're talking
about this in this episode. The first framework that we're
going to be talking about is William Bridges Transition
Framework. So William Bridges and his book
Transitions says that change is actually external.
So that's something like changing jobs while transition
is actually an internal process. So William Bridges actually
outlines 3 stages. There's ending neutral zone and
new beginnings. I really love this framework and
especially how it names and like titles each of the stages.
So often people including me will rush to the new beginning
and not even process what just happened, whether it's a career
change, whether it's a change in relationship or a friendship.
I think for me, since I'm such like a go go go type a person,
I'm like, OK, how do I execute and just do the next thing?
Because honestly that's what keeps me from processing like a
lot of the like hurtful or bad or sad emotions.
But so much of it is staying in the neutral zone, reflecting
before starting in the new beginning.
One thing we wanted to do throughout this episode in every
section as we talk about each framework is actually give kind
of personal anecdotes as like a version of like case studies,
kind of like how we did in our earlier episodes where for the
case studies we talked about different companies or brands.
This time we're going to talk like use ourselves of the case
studies. So for me, for example, I've
shared before that at age 35, I ended my engagement after an 8
year long relationship. So that obviously was the ending
part of this framework. And as I moved into the neutral
zone, I felt like really lost in a lot of ways because it wasn't
just the ending of a relationship.
It was like the ending of the entire sort of conception of my
life. And like all of the next steps
of my life where obviously I was going to get married, we were
going to have kids, we were going to, you know, live happily
ever after together. But only by actually being in
and like slowly working through the mire of the neutral zone was
I finally able to emerge out to the, the new beginning, which is
like now, like this is my new beginning.
This is so, so different than anything I've ever done before.
But I don't think I ever would have been able to arrive here
had I not gone through the process of like, being sort of
like feeling stuck in the neutral zone and like trying all
these new different things, which we'll talk about in the
later frameworks. And just like really being in it
for sort of like quite what felt like quite a while.
It felt like a long time to me because I'm also really, I think
inherently impatient person. But I think that's why the
neutral zone is so difficult. Because sometimes it can feel
like when you're in the neutral zone, not a lot is happening
day-to-day because like, you know, in my neutral zone, I'm
like journaling, I'm going to the gym.
Things feel slow. But when that compounds over
time, when you're like super reflective, I'm like, oh,
something worked, something happened, you know?
And OK, not not to forget that I also right before ending my
engagement had just left my job at Snapchat as head of product.
And that was after working at Snap for over 7 for seven years
and having worked in corporate for pretty much my entire
professional life. So it was like a big, it was
like multiple huge transitions and changes at the same time.
That's really scary. Yeah, it was scary, guys.
It was scary. And then I moved in.
Yeah. And we became roommates and we
started this new venture together.
Yeah, new beginnings. And we also want to give you
another example of someone you might have heard of, Steve Jobs.
The Steve Jobs story is pretty infamous.
He was ousted by the board at Apple.
He basically lost control of his company.
He was kicked out. And that was technically his
ending, as the lure goes. He then spent years in the
creative wilderness where it was the neutral zone.
He was reflecting and figuring out his next moves.
And then he triumphantly returned to Apple, which was his
new beginning. It just underscores how the
neutral zone tone can be a place for fresh ideas and for setting
you up for your next starting over point.
We also wanted to, in this episode, give many exercises so
that you could actually practice the framework IRL.
So the one for transitions is to jot down 1 area of your life
that you feel like there is an impending ending or is like
actually ending or has just ended, and then write down how
you feel about it. And then next, write down one
possibility that could bloom if you actually fully embrace the
neutral zone. And we'd love to learn about
what you guys write if you're open to sharing with us in the
comments. After you finish this exercise,
we'd love to hear from you in the comments about your new
possibilities. And just a reminder, this
transition framework can apply to so many things.
It can apply to career, romance, friendship, basically anything.
So it's a time for reflection. And up next, we'll talk about
Carol Dweck's growth mindset framework.
So I'm really excited to talk about this topic.
I read this book a long time ago and Carol Dweck is actually a
professor at Stanford, so I hold this very close to my heart.
In Carol Dweck's book, she talks about two different types of
mindset, a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.
And a fixed mindset is basically believing within yourself.
Either I'm good at something or I'm not.
A growth mindset is that I can learn something and with enough
effort and perseverance, I can figure it out.
And I think what's really important to distinguish is that
some people ironically are like, oh, like I'm not a growth
mindset person or I am a growth mindset person.
That actually goes against the entire concept of growth mindset
because you're not one person or another.
It's just a mindset. So anybody, even if you
previously had a fixed mindset, you can adopt A growth mindset
going forward. So the growth mindset to adopt A
growth mindset. Yes, exactly.
But that's just something that I want to emphasize because like
sometimes people are so like, you know, like sort of like been
in their ways for so long. They've been in that fixed
mindset for such a long time that they almost couldn't
imagine themselves being a growth mindset person.
But it's just a mindset shift. It's not inherent to your being,
you know what I mean? People with growth mindset are
able to push through obstacles, whereas people with a more fixed
mindset, when they're faced with obstacles, they're like, oh God,
this is just another reason why you know XYZ can't happen.
Like it feels like they're very stuck and instead of seeing an
obstacle as something that you can like go around or figure
out, it's just an obstacle in their way.
And so I felt a huge need to develop a growth mindset,
although I didn't have this terminology for it in college.
And I especially felt this when I was studying computer science.
And because I was able to, you know, major in computer science,
really tough it out and seek all the resources and study and work
my ass off for it. I'm just like, I was able to do
that. I feel like I'm able to do
anything now. And it's like given me a growth
mindset that like I can do hard things.
And it actually kind of even more than that.
I'm like, I did, that was like the hardest thing of my life
doing like, you know, all nighters and studying it like it
was a grueling major for me. And I'm so happy I did it and I
enjoyed it along the way. But I'm like, if I can do that,
I can basically do anything. Yeah.
And that is just like where my growth mindset is like rooted so
deeply in my body that I'm like, any challenge, I can figure it
out. Yeah, you know, I so to that I
think that having a growth mindset is actually one of my
like self identified most defining factors actually,
because I feel like if I hadn't had a growth mindset, I never
would have taken the path that I did.
Because even honestly, my first job out of school working at
Goldman, I took that job like not even really knowing how to
use Excel. I swear to God, I, I swear I did
not know how to use Excel except for like we use it a few times
in these statistics class like statistics and econometrics
classes that I had to take. But that's different like then
it's. Different than creating like a
DCF model or. Something it's actually, it's
different from actually using Excel in like a workplace
setting where you have to do it as fast as you can and as
accurately as you can. So like I sort of like threw
myself into the deep end and like threw myself to the wolves
in a way. And I was able to eventually
like learn, like to be clear, I was never became like an Excel
whiz. I was never even in the top 50%
of people who are like good at using Excel at work, especially
as an analyst. But I was able to still be a
very good top performing analyst.
And because I was able to like do that, that's how I even had
the courage to be like, hey, yeah, like I'll be a product
manager. Like there are a lot, like a lot
of things I don't know about product management.
Well, I don't know anything about product management
actually. But I feel like I have the
inherent skill to be able to learn things quickly and work
hard and try my best and like all these, these other things so
that, like, I will learn how to be an excellent product manager,
just like I learned how to be an excellent, you know, financial
analysts at Goldman Sachs. And then, like, same thing for,
like, everything in our lives, even what we're doing now.
Yeah. Like, I've never been in front
of the camera before. I've never like talked about my
personal life and my experiences or like shared my learnings with
people before, but I'm like, yeah, I can do it.
I don't know. I don't know.
I hope I'm doing a good job with Up to you.
Nice comments for Jean. We read every single one of
them. If you like Jean being on
camera, she's vulnerable. She's taking a lot of courage to
be here. We love that.
Yeah. I'm still new to those guys, but
but I was just like, sure, I'll do it.
Like I'll just throw myself into it and I think it'll be fun and
I'll be developing a new, a new skill and like a new side of
Maine. And it's been really fun and I'm
it's very rewarding. So I think all of that, like my
entire career, can be sort of chalked up to the fact that I
had a growth mindset that any of this stuff even happened.
Yeah. And also what we're working on
now with Sisters Matcha, our Matcha brand that we started
like last July, August, like we have only worked in like digital
products for our professional careers, right.
So like we are product managers at tech companies, but now we
have a PPG company, a consumer packaged good.
It's like a physical thing that we're selling and it's also a
consumable, which is so different from.
That so wild, so crazy wild to me.
And also so. Fun.
It's so fun, yeah. If you if what we're saying kind
of resonates with you and you're like, you like challenges and
you like learning, then like a growth mindset is a great thing
to adopt so that you continuously learn more and also
learn faster. Like in this last year, we're
doing completely new things and I'm having the time of my life.
It is so fun. And it's so scary too.
Like on the other side of it, it's just like, holy crap, I'm
doing things I've never done before.
I don't know if I'm doing it right.
Yeah, I don't know if I'm doing like.
A good job. We don't know anyone in the
industry to like, help us. Like we're kind of just like
figuring it out. Like you know how people are
saying you're like building the airplane and flying it as you
go. It's kind of what we're doing.
But also like, I like it, in addition to like not knowing,
I'm also trying my hardest. And because I believe in it and
love it so much that like I can try my hardest and give 120%
with no regrets, you know what I mean?
Because we're working for ourselves.
I wouldn't give 120% if I were working for the man, but you
know what I mean? Like I just wouldn't care as
much. So I guess with the growth
mindset, it's just like fulfilling so much of what I
care about. And I'm so excited to have a
growth mindset too. Yeah.
And I guess the last thing I'll say on a more personal note when
I am looking for a partner and like in dating someone
romantically. Oh oh.
I. We do say our podcast is about
money, power and love. Yes.
And so this is the love component.
I will only be with a person if they have a growth mindset like
they, because a growth mindset is important for work.
That's kind of what we're talking about, But it's also it
was so important for relationships instead of someone
being like this is who like if we fight or get into an argument
like this is who I am, blah, blah, blah.
Like don't try to change me. Like I'm not trying to change
anyone, but we should be able to grow together.
If we're like going to be a pair, we need to be able to move
in the same direction. And that can mean both of us
being flexible and growing and learning together.
I totally agree because aside from the aspect where you're, I
don't know, like if you're in an argument or something with
someone who has a fixed versus growth mindset, I think it's
just like your everyday interactions with someone.
I feel like it's almost kind of like a person who is a default
no versus a person who's like default yes.
Yeah. Right.
Like or even. Just like a default, maybe like,
you know what I mean? Just like not a hard no, yeah,
which is just more fun to live that way.
Yeah, like I recently. Should I tell a personal story?
Oh my God, I'm scared. I'm like terrified.
I don't know what's going to come out of your mouth.
OK, if it's not good we can cut it but no this is just random.
I recently was supposed to go to this Broadway rave with my
girlfriend who loves Broadway. As one does Seth.
With Broadway and we like found this Broadway rave.
So we were like lol like this is hilarious.
And then my other friend was supposed to come.
She couldn't come at the last minute.
So I was going to go from a date to this Broadway rave.
But since we had this extra ticket, I just asked my date.
I was like, hey, like, do you want to come to this Broadway
rave with me? And like, this is not a person
who I think has, like, ever, like, not a Broadway person, not
a theater person at all. And he was just like, yeah,
sure, yeah, that'll be fun. And then he went, and he had
like the time of his life. Is that growth mindset or does
he just like you? Or does he just want to spend
more time with you? I thought it was gross mindset.
Well, I'm glad. Maybe it's a combination?
It's a combination of both and. Wow my long accent is coming out
for some reason because I'm embarrassed.
It's a combination and I'm glad you told that story because that
was a safe story. I didn't know, I really.
Didn't know what stories did you think I was gonna?
Tell we won't go there, should we?
Keep it in. Should we keep this in?
That's for subscribers only. Just kidding, we don't have a
subscription service. But anyway, should we?
I I wanted to say on the love part.
Another personal anecdote is that I have two friends who are
married and they were telling me more about their relationship
and a mantra that like they share is they ask each other
after a long day, they both work, they ask each other like
how can I love you better? Whoa, yes, yes.
Who day? See you later.
Beep and beep. And they're like, you know,
happily married, recently married, but like that's
something that's been a fixture of their relationship is that
they ask each other that. And I love the story or just
even that mantra because like I aspire to have a relationship
like that where it's so rooted in growth and like, how can I be
better? Not that I'm doing anything
wrong, but I just want to like continually grow and be better
and like, love you better. I think that's a very beautiful
thing. It's so intentional.
It is I want that. I want that for me.
She's, yeah. She wants the book.
She wants the, you know. You know, yeah, Yeah.
Like, how can I love you better every day?
How can I love you better every day?
Don't answer that. OK.
And before we move on to the next framework, just a really
quick mini exercise for you guys to do is 1, identify a limiting
belief that you have and then two, rewrite it with a growth
mindset approach. So an example of this, we talked
about it in one of our previous episodes, but I learned this at
Stanford and it's basically manifestation but better.
One of our, one of my professors, Joel Peterson, he
has these mantras and they were based off of his previous
limiting beliefs. So for example, one of his
limiting beliefs is that he thought he was a very emotional
person, like he let his emotions get the best of him sometimes.
So he turned that around and instead of having his emotions
control him, his new mantra or what he, you know, how he talks
to himself as he says, I am not my emotions.
So that's just one very quick example of a limiting belief
that you might have and one way to turn it on its head.
Now try the exercise on your own.
And let us know in the comments what you write down.
I feel like a teacher. The last framework we're going
to talk about today is a concept popularized by Stanford called
Design. Thinking this framework, called
Designing Your Life, helps you cut wasted time by allowing you
to quickly test your ideas. They have a book and also a
class at Stanford where they teach this to students.
I didn't get the chance to take the class at Stanford, but many
of my friends did, and the four parts of this framework are as
follows. The first is curiosity, the
second is prototyping experiences, the third is
reframing problems, and the 4th is radical collaboration.
So this framework emphasizes action and taking small
experiments over, like endless thought exercises and pondering.
So one way I applied this framework in my own life is that
after I finally left Snap after working there for seven years, I
wanted to try out a bunch of different things that basically
I'd never done in my life. Like I was kind of trying to
figure out what I want to do next before I decided to start
this company with Cherie Sisters Worldwide.
And one thing that I have always loved is fashion.
And like basically at every point in my life where I could
do like take on a job or like a new career before, aside from
the job that I actually ended up doing, I looked at many
different like roles in fashion. So finally I had this
opportunity to like work in fashion.
So what I ended up doing is I took this unpaid internship
where I worked at a place called the Albright Fashion Library in
LA where I actually worked as a stylist.
And it was like one of the most fun and like fulfilling things
I've ever done. And it's not like it was like
particularly glamorous. Like I feel like, you know, 20%
of the time my job was to like rearrange the like massive shoe
closet. So like, it's not like I was,
you know, like doing like a super high-powered like job at,
you know, a Parisian couture house or something like that.
But it was just so fun to be able to like be in the industry
and finally test out this hypothesis that I had had for
like 20 something years of like, do I actually want to work in
the fashion industry or do I just want to be, you know, like
a participant through sort of like consumption and enjoying
it. So that was something where,
yeah, like, I've basically like invented this internship for
myself where I worked there one day a week for the whole day.
It shows to me how action oriented you are and kind of to
tie together this framework with the first framework that we
talked about with transitions. I think it's really important
that after doing some reflection and you know, you're in the
neutral zone, figuring out what you want to do next, you were
able to test out this new beginning with an internship.
It was like a mini test to see if you liked it or not and to
see, you know, what your next moves would be after you gather
information from the external world.
So I think it's so cool that you were able to, you know, reflect
and then figure out your next moves.
Yeah. And then also like create this
opportunity. For myself, a lot of people in
general, I think feel very paralyzed.
I know I often do if like I'm stuck and I'm like, I don't know
what to do next. So that like having this design
thinking framework allows you to break out of the paralysis and
be like, let me at least test something and try something
because I know with the growth mindset, I will learn some thing
no matter if it goes well or not.
I might fail and that's fine, but that means I'm learning.
Yeah, I love how you tied those mindsets together.
Yeah, it's very nice. Thank you.
Well done. Brava.
Okay, so now it's time for the mini exercise.
So the mini exercise for this is to think about an area that you
want to pivot. And then next brainstorm 2
experiments you can do. They can be like really, really
tiny experiments. They don't have to be massive,
but think about two experiments that you can do to actually test
out the pivot. And if you want, you can share
your pivot or you can share your experiment in the comments so
that you can have some social accountability.
We'll be reading them, Yeah. And if you leave a comment about
it, I, we will read them and respond to them.
Oh. Yeah.
So should we wrap up, Cherie? Yes, we should.
To wrap up, we talked about 3 frameworks today.
One, the William Bridges Transition Framework, 2, Carol
Dweck's Growth Mindset framework and three, Bill Burnett and Dave
Evans Design Your Life Framework.
So you can think about these individually or you can try and
combine them, but we hope this was really helpful for you guys.
Yeah, and if you found this helpful, help us reach 1,000,000
by sharing this with your friends.
And also obviously, like, comment and subscribe and rate
US five stars on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
It's a long list, but you know, you can do all of them.
We believe in you. Thank you guys so much for
supporting our podcast and for tuning in.
We'll see you next time. Bye.
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That's sofi.com/tiger. OK, pause.
That was the emotional map of. Starting over and like we
mentioned before, if you're in it right now, you are not crazy
if it feels so slow to you because the neutral zone like we
were talking about before is where things actually built.
Now we're switching to the daily operating system.
This is what really moves you forward when you're in the thick
of it. Atomic Habits vulnerability and
rewriting your narrative. This is the toolkit.
Welcome back. So the first topic we're going
to go over is James Clear's Atomic Habits and why it's
relevant for starting over. I'm so excited to talk about
this. I read this book a few years ago
and it's still something that I think about every single week.
Experts say that 90% of people who start a new habit end up
quitting at day 10. And we're going to show you how
to be that successful 10% that sticks with it.
Yeah, because when reinventing yourself, huge goals can be kind
of paralyzing. And so the good thing about
Atomic Habits is that essentially it breaks things
down into mini goals that you can actually achieve, so that
you can be that 10 percent that actually keeps your goals as
opposed to the 90% that fall off.
In James Clear's book Atomic Habits, he teaches to one make
it obvious, 2 make it attractive, three make it easy,
and four make it satisfying, it being the habit.
Yeah. And I feel like a really big
part of his book is the idea or the concept of being like self
identifying yourself with that habit.
So for example, like being like, yeah, I am a person that goes to
the gym three times a week or like, yeah, I'm an active
person. That's why I go to the gym three
times a week. I think that's like one of his
like main premises, right? That's one of the big takeaways.
It's like, how do you make that your identity?
Like I am a healthy person. What would a healthy person do?
They would eat healthy. They would go to the gym.
And when you embrace that identity, it makes it harder to
break the habit. You want to keep going?
Yeah. So bringing in a personal case
study or an example that I bring this into my life is that I have
a habit of trying to go to the gym every single day for 30 days
in a row. It's really hard to not break
that chain. But something that I do is that
I make it very clear and visual. So I have a calendar that shows
each day that I go to the gym. I put an X on my calendar and it
creates this chain that I can see right in front of me.
I don't want to break the chain. And it is very satisfying when I
go to the gym, I come back and I make an X on my calendar and I'm
like, huh? I feel so relieved that I'm able
to keep this going. So that's one very clear
example, James, clear example of how I bring this into my life.
And if you guys want to do something similar, Gene and I
have a habit tracker that we created for you.
It's a digital downloadable that is LinkedIn.
This video description, it's free, you can download it.
It's a calendar and it shows all the days of the year so that you
can track your habits. Yeah, I think that concept of
Don't Break the Chain is pretty like famous and well known.
It's used by a lot of people. One that I remember is
apparently like Jerry Seinfeld, he sort of forced himself to
continue to, like, write more jokes by doing don't break the
chain For like every single day he would come up with a new joke
and like, he would make the X on his calendar to be like, OK, I
came up with a new joke today, XXX.
So that's kind of how he like got better at his craft.
Yeah, and how do you apply atomic habits to your daily
life? Yeah, For me, I think it's the
example of once I became single again this past year and I
started dating, I was like, OK, the first part of that is just
like making myself get out there and like, interact with people
in the world. So I kind of took on the
identity of being like, OK, I'm a person that says yes to
different invitations. So even if it's something I
would normally maybe not say yes to, I'm going to say yes to it
and like try to aim to go to, you know, three things.
I would normally not go to like 3 * a month or something like
that. Like an underground Berlin rave.
Like what do? We mean, sure, Yeah.
Like just anything like I need to like kind of, you know, break
up the old routine and start doing new things so that I can
be, like out there in the world to meet people.
So that actually it worked really well because I remember
this is like back in February, but one of my friends had a
Super Bowl party and it was also kind of a going away party.
And I wasn't, I probably like wouldn't usually go cuz I don't
really like watch football, I guess.
But then I went and then I ended up like meeting this guy that
was his like childhood friend that I was dating for a while.
So I feel like it works. And it all stemmed from me
being, like, taking on the identity of being like, yeah,
I'm someone who says yes to social invitations, even if even
if maybe in the past I would have said yes to them.
Yeah, and when you go out, it opens up more opportunity and
serendipity to meet new people. So by having that habit and
figuring out a way to implement it in your life, it also opened
up many new doors. Yeah.
And it's something I guess like it's something you can sort of
remind yourself of and take on again and again.
Because I will say, like in the last month, like we've been so
busy and just like travelling so much.
Like we were like in Japan, we were in Asia, we were in Vidcon.
Like we were just kind of like not really, you know, around and
just like working all the time that it's almost like this is a
really good reminder for me to sort of like take on that
identity again and be like, oh, I'm a person that says yes to
things. So that I'm going to like, go
back out there and like be active and meet people in the
world. So it's like a good reminder for
me too, even just doing this episode.
For sure, because starting over, it has such a scary connotation
to it. But I think one take away I
would like everyone else to go away with is that starting over
doesn't have to be such a big monumental thing.
There are also little ways that you can start over and keep your
life moving forward. I think often times people wait
until the New Year's for the giant, like New Year's
resolution in January, and that's why everyone gets to the
gym then and then people fall off.
But like, I honestly take, you know, if you can have the
beginning of every month being a starting over point or creating
checkpoints, so it's not just once a year, but giving yourself
many opportunities to start anew.
I think that's a really beautiful thing.
Yeah. And I think like, maybe this is
sort of a controversial take or like a hot take or something,
but I think starting over and like, or more so the concept of
reinventing yourself is really fun.
And like, what a gift, what like a special, like what an
opportunity we have that we can sort of continually reinvent
ourselves all the time. I think that's something that I
didn't really realize until I I didn't really like realize the
power of until recently. Yeah, because change is scary, I
think. Yeah, most people
psychologically and myself included do not want change.
Like we're very as humans very adverse to change, right?
Like we don't want change a verse.
Did I say the right adverse a verse, a verse We're very change
a verse. So if it does happen and it's
forced upon us, it can be very uncomfortable, but it can also
lead to very beautiful things if you take it in stride.
And you also have these frameworks that we're talking
about to really put in the right frame, like frameworks in place
so you can be successful. Yeah, well, and you know how
like people always say, oh, it's not that I feel scared, it's not
that I feel nervous, it's that I actually feel excited.
You know, that's just a mindset shift.
So there are a couple of these things that you can do, starting
with James Clear's Atomic Habits, and we're going to get
into the next topic, which is vulnerability with Brené Brown.
I've already been pretty vulnerable actually.
Before we move on, let's do our mini exercise, all right, which
is pick one goal that you have for yourself and then break it
down into a bunch of different tiny steps or like very small
habits and then figure out a way to make it like James Clear says
obvious, attractive, easy and satisfying, and then write it
down. Yes, and we'd love to hear from
you if you can share with us in the comments what your goal is
and how you're going to try and break it down.
We read every single comment and we'll try to reply to as many as
we can. Yeah, because we want to be on
this journey together with you. And what we've seen from
research from Duke University is that actually 45%, so literally
almost half of all of your daily actions are habitual.
And so let's build the right habits together.
And up next, we're going to talk about how to harness
vulnerability through Brene Brown's research.
OK, let's start off with a stat, which is that 84% of people
admitted that they don't even tell their very closest friends
about major life changes because they fear judgement.
But what Brené Brown has found in her research is that
vulnerability between, especially between friends is
what actually strengthens connections.
OK, Sheree, maybe you can tell us a little bit more about this
framework. So I think the first thing to
note is that it takes a ton of courage to be vulnerable.
It's like a super scary thing to open up.
But what people don't realize is that it can also open up a lot
of opportunities as well. So the first thing is that if
you share what you're going through with people, especially
if you share like a new habit you want want to build, it can
create a lot of momentum for social accountability.
So you don't have to do it alone.
For example, if I want to get healthy for this year and go to
the gym, I can share that goal. They can be my social
accountability buddy in that way.
And another way I can open up opportunities is that if you
bring vulnerability into your life, This is 1 very specific
example that I've seen, is that with recent layoffs that have
been going on, people have come on to LinkedIn to post and to
share that they've lost their job, which is a really scary
thing to share. And honestly, I don't know if I
would be able to do that because I feel a lot of nervousness and
shame around that, which I don't think other people who are
reading it feel they feel more empathy.
But if you post about that and share more about your life in a
vulnerable way, I've also seen people get job opportunities
because they've shared about their layoff.
Yeah, exactly. I love that you bring that up
because shame versus empathy is one of those really main
constructs in Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly.
And when you admit that you're unsure or that you need help,
you're really like inviting people in to support you.
I think another example that I can think of for ourselves is
just starting on this new venture of Tiger Sisters.
Like that's something that I and you have been very, very open
about to everyone from the very beginning, which is that we're
starting this new venture. It's based around a podcast,
it's content to commerce. These are all things that we
have never done. We've never like actually worked
in media before either of us. We've always worked in tech or
finance. And so like I've gone into a lot
of conversations being like, hey, I don't know anything
really or like, I don't even know what I know.
Like I would love to, to learn from you.
And I think that that has been really helpful for us because
we're coming at it from a position of or from a
perspective of being like we're open to learning.
And the first part of that is being like, hey, we admit to not
knowing things. Like we're not experts by any
means. And I think people might view
that as a weakness, but I also view that, like we said before,
as an invitation for help and maybe sharing your weaknesses
could be a strength as well in that way.
If you feel hesitant about sharing your like quote, UN
quote weakness or like being vulnerable in that way, I guess
one way I don't even actively think about it this way, but I
think it's just like inherent to my approach to it is that I'm
like, well, I am not an expert in this area, but I know I'm an
expert in many other areas, right?
Like I believe in my own ability and I know I'm smart and I know
I can like learn. I just have a lot of self
belief, but I just have no experience in this area.
So like there's nothing wrong with being unexperienced, you
know? So maybe that's like a kind of
mindset that you can take on if you want to kind of reveal your
vulnerability to people to be like, yeah, like I am not an
expert in this area. I'm an expert in other areas.
It's just it's good to. It's like when a recruiter asks
you what your greatest weakness is, and you're like, my greatest
weakness is that I can learn anything.
My greatest weakness is I don't know everything but I can learn
anything. Is that what I sound like?
It's just funny, I mean, but it, I think it's just very naturally
how you feel and a very positive outlook because you have a lot
of self belief. My greatest weakness is I have
too much self. You know, it's like when you're
trying to make a weakness sound like a strength.
In an interview, no. That's when you're always like,
my greatest weakness is that I'm a perfectionist.
Don't say that. If you're doing an interview, do
not say that because recruiters will see right through it.
Yeah. And now that I'm Walter, I'm
like, wow, that really is a weakness.
Actually, it's come. It's come around full circle.
Maybe you can say that again now.
Maybe people should say that again.
Now, I mean, that actually is my weakness.
I'm not even, I'm not even bullshitting, you know, that's
my weakness. We talked.
About it before. It is.
It takes me like 10 times longer
to write an e-mail than Cherie. Yeah, Cherie's like, hey, can
you do this? Yeah, my emails are very short
and I don't spend more than like if it's a really important one,
I'll spend a lot of time, but if it's like one, I'm just like, it
could be a few sentences and then you sign off and you don't
think. About it like good morn to you
today. She writes like a Shakespearean
sonnet that she reads 15 times over.
And I'm like, girl, just send the e-mail out.
Just send it it. It's not.
It's not that deep. I'm like top of the morn, yeah.
We digress, We digress. OK, we do have a mini exercise
for you for this section that we'd love to share.
So if you can think of 1 vulnerable moment, we would love
for you guys to share that with a trusted friend.
We have studies that show that 90% of people who opened up to
others feel less lonely, but most importantly, they feel even
more motivated to move forward because they've shared something
with their friend and they have more social accountability in
that way. After you've shared with your
friend, observe how this packs your mindset.
And tell us in the comments, Harvard Business Review actually
found that leaders who practice vulnerability, such as admitting
to a mistake or asking for feedback are 20% more likely to
foster high performing teams. So like however that you know is
defined, they did this whole study about it.
So it's not just in your like personal life where it's.
It's fruitful and actually effective to practice
vulnerability. It's also can be applied in your
career, in your work life, strategically.
OK. We're going to take a really
quick break. And then when we return, we move
on to Esther Perel's idea of rewriting your story.
Hey, it's Cherie. If you've been enjoying Tiger
Sisters, hit subscribe on Spotify and YouTube and please
leave us a five star review. It takes just a few seconds, but
it has a huge impact on helping Tiger Sisters survive and grow.
Thank you so much. And now back to the episode.
I'm really excited to talk about this because I think reinvention
should be part of everyone's life.
And we talked a little bit about this before, but if you think
about the major celebrities out there like Lady Gaga, Taylor
Swift, Leonardo DiCaprio, I think all of these.
Not the Leonardo DiCaprio Miley. Cyrus Miley Cyrus You don't like
Leonardo DiCaprio? Just I don't know where you're
going with Leonardo DiCaprio. I feel like he constantly
reinvents himself in the roles that he takes.
Oh, I thought you were like, first he's someone who dated a
27 year old, then he's someone who dated a 24 year.
Old, no, I mean, and Christian Bale, I don't know.
I just like, feel like when you look at celebrities and the
longevity of their careers, the ones that have staying power are
the people who can reinvent themselves constantly.
Like Miley Cyrus. Like Miley Cyrus.
Oh I love. Her go girl, go girl.
She's incredible. Yeah, I mean, if Leonardo
DiCaprio were to reinvent himself and date someone a
little bit older, I think that might also have some staying
power too in the media. But alas.
But I think this is just so fun because we can talk about
reinventing ourselves at any point in our lives.
And the concept from Esther Perel is not just reinventing
yourself, but it's specifically the idea of rewriting your
story, right? Rewriting your narrative.
Exactly. In Esther Perel's book Mating in
Captivity, she specifically talks about this concept in the
sort of framework of romantic relationships.
So basically, she says, you know, you can rewrite your story
because if you're not the same person now that you were in your
20s, why do you have to be the same person romantically?
Oftentimes we forget. I forget that we outgrow
different patterns from earlier in our lives, and that could be
dating, that could be friendship and outgrowing relationships and
friendships. That's very much a thing that I
have to keep top of mind because it can feel super painful when
it happens. But that's part of growth in it
of itself. And in her book, Esther Perel
says that you can reframe your identity as someone who fails in
relationships or friendships to someone who learns from past
mistakes and actively builds healthier dynamics.
And I feel like this mindset shift is game changing because
honestly, relationships fail because you're dating.
But like at the end game, you're only supposed to marry one
person. You know what I mean?
So like, they're supposed to fail up until you find the 1.
So I think that's like just a reframe of it, all right?
Like they're meant to. You're supposed to date many,
many people. So you're saying we should
romantically fail upwards? Yes, exactly.
Take a page out of the book of every man you've ever worked.
With Oh my God. And fail upwards.
Romantically, yeah. I mean, I I think that I
realized this or maybe I like internalized this very recently.
Like not, you're not supposed to keep all your relationships
right? You can only keep one.
At the end, they're all supposed to fail except for one.
Yeah, and this actually reminded me of the James Clear framework,
because she's saying, like, reframe yourself as, you know,
someone who learns from relationships and sets up new,
healthier ones. That's the same idea of taking
on the identity. Yeah, internalizing.
I am someone who learns from past relationships and forms
healthier ones. Exactly.
Wow, putting together all the framework.
Connecting the dot live. We're doing it.
Live. You're here with us.
You're doing it live. OK.
I feel like one example I could sort of uniquely give is that
I've mentioned before I ended an 8 year long relationship and
engagement this past year when I was 35.
So I guess like one way you could look at yourself is to be
like, Oh my God, like I'm someone who breaks engagements
and that's like a failed, like fails and only.
Broke 1 So I feel like if you've broken multiple a la Runaway
Bride, you might take that identity.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Or like you could be like, you
know, you could think of yourself.
One could think of themselves as like, oh, I'm someone who fails
in relationships. Or maybe you can think of
yourself. By you, I mean me.
You can think of yourself as like, wow, I'm someone who is
brave enough and you know, I guess sure enough of herself to
end A8 year long relationship, even when it seems like from the
outside seems to be perfect on paper, seems to be so great and
like you've already invested so much into it.
I'm someone who's brave enough to step away from that in search
of something that is actually better for me, like when this is
actually something that no longer works.
It takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage.
You, you are someone who is courageous.
That's a very courageous thing to do.
Yeah, Yeah. I just came up with that just
now, guys. I was not.
I just came up with that just now.
But yeah. I feel that.
Do you feel that in your bones or is it hard to internalize
that? I mean, it's not something
honestly, like it's not something that I've ever said
out loud. Like, this is the first time
I've ever really said that out loud.
But it is something that other people have said to me.
Like when I have told people, you know, oh, yeah, like, I
broke my engagement. Like, we were together for eight
years, blah, blah, blah. They're like, wow, like you are
are so brave, like you're so courageous and not in a way
where they're like. You're so.
You're so brave for posting. That not me without makeup.
You're so brave. You're so brave for wearing that
bathing suit, that outfit. I could never wear that, but
you're so brave. But no, I like when people say
it to me. Like I can tell that they really
mean it because it is something that is so scary.
Like it's so it's, it's kind of incomprehensible.
And even to myself, like even to me two years ago, three years
ago, like a year and a half ago, it would have been
incomprehensible. But like we said earlier, that
was a different person. Like that's that was you were a
different person. I was a different person.
That was like the old me. Now this is the new me.
I'm reinvented, bitches. What's you gonna say?
About it. What's you gonna do about it?
What's you gonna do about? That, Yeah, this is your
reinvention era in so many ways. Yeah.
And it's you guys are a part of it.
It's live. It's happening.
I think an interesting like exercise people could do.
This is not the official mini exercise.
This is the side mini exercise, side quest, side quest.
I just came up with if. You guys are inspired to do.
So is that like, maybe you can sort of go through that same
exercise I just did? And if there's something that
you're still, I guess, like, processing or like a part of you
that is starting over is to, like, think of what other people
say to you when you tell them about your change or your, like,
reinvention or your new narrative.
And then start to like, say, like, say that out loud about
yourself for the first time. Like, I just did it.
It's kind of wild. Like I've never said that about
myself to be like, yeah. And I'm really courageous and
brave for choosing to do what I did as opposed to, you know,
staying in a relationship that seemed, that seemed perfect in
so many ways. It's weird.
It's weird to like, I think it's good though to like say it out
loud and like take on the identity and like experience how
other people are viewing you. Yeah, because in some ways, I
feel like people can see you more clearly than you can see
yourself. Not the situation, but just like
your perception of yourself. And people are able to.
And at least the ones who are able to share that with you that
you really respect are like, wait, I respect you and you
respect me now. And like, wait, now I can
understand what you see. It's a crazy thing.
Yeah, that's the off the books many exercises.
Bonus many exercise great. We'll give that to you for free.
So the official exercise, if you'd like to try another one,
is to write down the old story that no longer serves you, put
it down on paper, and rewrite it in a way that reflects your
growth and your future aspirations.
What is your new story, your new narrative that you're going to
tell yourself? Share that story with a friend
or with us in the comments if you're open to getting feedback
and having Jean and I read that. So yeah, we'd love to see what
you guys come up with. OK, so just to recap, in today's
episode, we covered James Clear's atomic habits, Brene
Brown's concepts of vulnerability, and Esther
Perrell's ideas around rewriting your narrative.
And I think putting the three together, this is like the
perfect toolkit for starting over, whether you're 2936 or any
age. Thank you guys so much for
tuning in for this episode. Please remember to like, comment
and subscribe. It is super important if you
follow and subscribe us because then you'll get notified when
our next episode drops. Yeah, and I also really want to
hear what you guys have to say in the comments, especially
because I spoke so much about my own experience this time.
So like, I want to hear you guys talking.
About guys, she's being vulnerable.
If you like that Gene's being vulnerable and opening up about
her life and I'm opening up about mine, please give her some
support in the comments. We read every.
Single part of our community and want to know you guys are out
there. And also the conversations I
think are really rich and a lot of other people are reading
other comments as well and feeling very encouraged by your
story. Thanks guys, see you next time.
Bye. Woo, that's Part 2.
We are so proud of those two episodes.
And now you guys have both the Emotional Map and the Practical
Toolkit. OK, we know that's a lot.
So don't try to do all of those six frameworks at once.
Just pick one and do that exercise today.
And if you really want some structure from us, do this day
one transition, day 2 growth mindset, day three, prototype,
day 4 habits, day 5 vulnerability, day six, rewrite
your story and day 7 reflect. And also don't keep.
This to yourself. We're not gatekeeping.
If you know someone who's in a new season of change, send this
episode to them. Also, please tell us in the
comments what aspect in your life you're starting over in.
It could be big, it could be small, it could be something
totally trivial. We really, really want to hear
from you guys. We read all the comments and
we're in it with you. If you guys have a second,
please like and subscribe. It's so important that you guys
subscribe. And if you have 5 seconds,
please rate US five stars because this really helps with
the survival and growth of Tiger Sisters Podcast.
We'll see you guys next week. We'll be here with you every
single week. Bye.