Hey everyone, welcome to the light stand.
It has been a minute and I do apologize for that.
It has been pretty wild in the Ontiveros household, but we are
back and we are excited to finally kick this off once
again. So thank you guys for your
patience, man. Love you all.
We love you, we do we do, and I have my beautiful wifey today
here for this episode that was highly requested.
If you guys remember, for those of you that follow us on
Instagram, the under score light stand, we put out a poll for a
couple of topics and by far how to handle toxic family was the
most requested. We also asked you guys if you
were comfortable to submit some examples or you know, just some
things that you're going through personally that you wanted us to
kind of touch on. And we will, we will mention no
names, it will just be general examples.
And it is more common than anything.
Manhandling, having toxic family members.
You know, I think this generation in 2025, we are more
and more aware of mental health and breaking generational
curses, etcetera, etcetera, right, Boundaries, boundaries
like this, yeah. Yeah, I don't know what
boundaries was until a few years back.
Like, whoa, same. I don't know if it's just like
the Hispanic culture or Mexican culture.
No, but I think it is a lot of Hispanic culture, some Asian
culture, some African American culture too.
You know, there's just a lot of, let me put it this way.
There's a saying that says hurt people hurt people.
Yeah. And if you don't heal, you're
only passing on that trauma subconsciously and unwillingly,
sometimes to the next generation.
Yeah, I feel like toxicity is has no like it picks anyone like
there anyone can be toxic. Exactly.
Doesn't matter if you're Hispanic, white, black, you
know. Whatever it does, yeah, it
doesn't matter. It's it has no color.
It just it's ugly and it's unfortunate.
I do want to say thank you to those of you guys that were
transparent and vulnerable enough to send us a couple of,
you know, examples and things that you have been going
through. Man, I apologize.
You know, I'm I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through that
and that you're experiencing that or have experienced that.
So we're going to do our best to this one took a minute to put
together. Guys, we're not going to lie
this this episode specifically because it's like a how to it
really. It really took us a minute to to
put together. So we hope to cover all bases.
It's not going to be 100%. Give us grace.
If there was anything that you felt we could have expanded on
more, send us a message. So here we go guys.
How to handle toxic family members without losing your
sanity. All right, so before it's just
so that we're all on the same page as far as what we're what
is a toxic person. I think because right now,
again, it's social media, it's, you know, the word toxic is
everywhere. And I think it's very overly
used and very badly used in some situations.
So what's a toxic person? Here we go.
A toxic person is someone whose behavior consistently causes
harm, negativity and conflict in the lives of those around them.
They often exhibit manipulative, controlling, or abusive
behaviors, lacking empathy and potentially masking their
negativity with charm. These behaviors can stem from
underlying issues like low self esteem, mental health
conditions, or deep seated emotional wounds.
So here's an article that I pulled up.
From charliehealth.com. If you guys want the sources,
we'll be more than happy to shoot us a DM.
This one says quote. A toxic person, defined as
someone whose behavior consistently harms or undermines
others, can create an unhealthy and stressful environment,
making interactions emotionally exhausting.
Maintaining healthy relationships is crucial for our
over overall well-being. However, not all relationships
are beneficial. Some can be harmful.
Recognizing and addressing toxic behavior is essential for people
to protect their both their mental and emotional health.
And we're going to go through a couple of how TOS how does what
are so #1 would be setting boundaries #2 would be limiting
interactions, staying calm and detached, focusing on solutions,
seeking support, practicing self-care, knowing when to walk
away. We're going to we're going to
get into all of it. OK, so First things first, let
me set the stage by saying if you are identifying as we're
going through the material, guys, if you're identifying
people in your family, we're not like the purpose of this episode
is not to, you know, Trancasos or to bash anyone.
This is not, you know, to slander people and to make
people feel like crap. Oh, disclaimer, if you have
children listening with you, you might want to.
This is not the episode for them.
So disclaimer, OK. Adult only content.
Adult only content for this one, just because it could be very
triggering. Yeah, and words might come up.
So I'm gonna give you time. 321. This is your last chance, guys.
OK? So this is not to bash people,
OK? This is to give you guys the
tools and the content and the knowledge to try to equip you in
the best way possible, to give you guys language and to give
you guys help on handling family.
Family's super hard, guys, family handling family's super
hard. Especially when the toxic person
is your mom. Your dad, brother, sister.
You know, Aunt, Grandpa, Grandma.
Siblings. Siblings, it's very hard, but
especially when it's family with an authority.
And just to piggy back on what you just said, I think it's hard
when you all grew up in like you guys trauma bonded because you
all experience some sort of trauma.
And that's when it's very hard. And I can say that for, you
know, with personal experience. So yeah, and I'll give more
details later, but it is hard. It is hard now us giving you
this content and us trying to help you and equip you for your,
for your guys specific situation.
It's not going to make it easier.
OK, let me tell you, setting boundaries with your family is
going to be one of the hardest things you're ever going to do.
But it's or and it's also one of the most necessary things that
you are going to do for your well-being, for your spouse's
well-being, for your and if you have children, for your
children's well-being. And it can be not just family,
it can be anyone, a Co worker. Boss Yeah, this applies.
This applies to a lot. We're going to try to keep it or
we're going to keep it to family only, you know, if you guys want
more, because a lot of this can apply to pretty much any
anybody, right? But family is the hardest 1.
So that's how we're going to proceed here.
All right. So how do you spot the toxicity?
Because a lot of you or a lot of us grew up in a toxic
environment. So because we were babies and we
literally, we grew up in that toxicity, in that negative
environment, in that manipulation, emotional
manipulation, all, you know, all those types of toxic maybe,
maybe there was actual physical violence, verbal abuse, you
know, demeaning, like all kinds of bad stuff.
You grew up and it was normal. Yeah, loud distress, loud
conversations, disrespectful conversations, belittling
someone. Yeah, like if you grew up with
it, you think it's normal. Like even at a subconscious
level, when you get it, you become an adult.
You think that it's a normal dynamic and it's not, right.
So how do you spot the toxicity? OK so 1st we need to talk about
what toxic really means because it's not just someone who annoys
you or doesn't agree with you. A toxic family member is someone
who disrespects your boundaries, manipulates you emotionally,
consistently brings chaos or drama into your life, undermines
your confidence or decisions. It makes you feel or sorry.
They make you feel drained, anxious, guilty on a regular
basis. And if it does sound familiar,
guys, you're not alone. Families can be our greatest
source of love, but they can also be our deepest sources of
pain. Yeah.
So let me give you guys an example.
We know of a situation where this person, this dude gets
married and the the mother attends the wedding and, you
know, pretend like puts on the face of like I'm so happy for
for my grown. Adult man and the mother starts
sending text messages like blowing up this man's phone.
When are you going to see me? I need you to come over because
remember the Bible says when a man will met, when a man gets
married he's going to leave his father and mother and become one
flesh with his wife, right? So this is the son and the mom.
This is this is a son mom dynamic.
OK, this is a grown man, late 20s professional, you know, like
this dude has his career like bueno unito, you know, like pro
in his career and everything. Mom starts saying I need you to
come over this day because we are going to do some projects
around the house and I need I need your help.
You need to be here. The dude says I can't that day.
I already have plans. I can on this other day and this
other day. And the mom tells him, I don't
know what you need to do, but you need, I need you this day.
So whatever you have going on, cancel it because this is the
only day and I need you here. Yeah.
Mind you, this mother has other siblings that can help with
these projects. Has other kids.
Has other yeah has other kids but she is on purpose telling
this grown man that this is what she wants.
So this dude ends up canceling his plans and para que la
mamanos enoje so that he doesn't upset the mom.
He does that which obviously created conflict with his wife
because the plans were with the wife.
You know, and here is. One scenario where the mom is So
I just I asked this, I asked this dude, I was like.
What would have? Happened if you just said no,
sorry, I can't and period that you kept your plans and you gave
her the hard note and the dude literally started
hyperventilating and we're talking about a grown man.
So what? What does this mean?
This means that this dude grew up as a child having to put her
his mom's needs over his. He had to ignore his own
emotional feelings and needs to tailor or to cater to his mom.
But OK. It's called this is called
grooming guys, where your mom or your dad groom you of like the
only important person here emotionally is me.
You need to cater to my needs. You need to understand what my
needs are and I. Expect you to drop what you're
doing to meet my needs or else you know, that's manipulation.
How do I know it's manipulation? Because so, you know, I've, I'm
working with this dude and I'm helping them set those
boundaries, right? Of I'm sorry, the no is a no.
You know, you have other people, you have friends that you can
call and help you with the project.
It doesn't have to be me specifically, right?
But the mom didn't like that anyways.
Yeah. I, I knew that she started being
manipulative because, for example, Mother's Day was just a
couple months ago or last month, and she would send this guy text
messages of screenshots of like messages that he had sent her
before. Like, hey mom, I love you.
Or, you know, she would send them pictures of gifts that he
got her before. I see.
Like, oh, like I love you so much, son.
And you know, I, I can't wait to, to see you again.
And like just I'm like, this isn't normal.
Yeah. You know, for for a mom to be
kind of blowing up her son's phone with these kind of it.
It's almost, I wish I could describe it to you guys.
Like it was almost like a it as as you're reading through these
text threads, it almost felt like.
She was an ex-girlfriend. Like I miss you.
Like in that sense, you know, it was just weird.
Like it wasn't a mom son dynamic.
It was, you know. Yeah.
And I'm like, OK, that's what's happening here.
So we started, or I started telling them, hey, this is
what's happening. And I got some books because I
never want people to think that I'm just giving my opinion out
of nowhere, out of thin air. Yeah, I have resources and I
have tools and I have, you know, homework where I've been
learning about this stuff. And I'm like, look, this is
where I got it from. You know, this is what, this is
what I'm learning. I'm not just pulling it out of
thin air, Right. Yeah.
And he was like, holy moly. She is an emotional manipulator.
So I asked him, how do you feel? Oh, he told me.
I honestly 100% I honestly don't even feel like going to their
home to her house to visit her because I feel like she's going
to just. Turn into this like poor me
party and try to make me feel bad that I haven't.
Seen her as often as she wants me to see her right?
What should I do? And I told him I I asked him
like, well, how do you feel about this option?
How do you feel about this option?
I gave him different options and he's like, honestly, I think
this option, option A, is the best one.
Option A was having flowers delivered to her by a catering
service. And we know with the card and
him just calling and saying, you know, happy Mother's Day.
I'm really sorry that I couldn't.
Go, you know, I'm sorry, this was for.
For a guy. The flowers.
Were for the mom, for Mother's Day.
OK, OK. I'm really sorry, you know, I'm
really sorry that I couldn't go. I, I had a big commitment that I
just could not break. But I'll, I'll see you when I
you know, I'll see you when I see you.
I'll see you when I can. So this goes through and later
that night, he texts me a screenshot of what his father
text him. It wasn't even a phone call.
It was a text. He was like.
So and so. I can't believe that you didn't
have the the atencion to come and give your mother a hug.
And a kiss and spend time with her on Mother's Day.
You know, this is your one and only mother that you're going to
have for the rest of your life. How could you after everything
she's done for you? I I hope and I pray that you
don't have to live through what you put her through.
And I was just as I'm reading this, I'm like, Oh my gosh, Now
she is having someone enable this behavior.
Yeah, now she has her dude in on the manipulation.
Yeah. You know, because through this
text. And then her too, like she texts
I'm like, Oh my like, you know, I can't believe you couldn't
just 5 minutes come and give them to me.
Like, you know, you had to send a delivery service.
What's going on with you? You're changing, blah, blah,
blah. Never did they ask him why they
never got curious why, which is narcissistic.
A narcissist is all about them. Regardless of anyone else's
feelings, it's all about them. Yeah.
And I was like, bro, with all due respect, they're emotionally
manipulating you because how come they didn't ask you why?
You know? Hey, why?
Like we felt you distant, you know, like I'm a dad, right?
Mm hmm. If my sons got that distant from
me and like, they didn't even want to come around, my first
question would be, hey, is everything OK, Right.
What's going on? You know, what did I do or what
did mom do that you guys don't even want to come around
anymore? You know, help us understand.
Did we, you know, did we do? What did we do?
Right. You know, did I do something?
Did I? Yeah.
Yeah, like, did I offend you? Did I whatever.
Yeah, let's talk about it, right?
And if I did mess up, dude, I apologize, right?
You know nothing of that. They just blame, blame, blame.
I can't believe you. How could you?
You're the worst after everything I've done for you.
That is emotional manipulation. And if you guys are going
through that, how do you set a boundary?
So you set a boundary by going back to the first point,
spotting the toxicity. You have to realize what they're
trying to do and in your mind. You have to.
Kind of divide the person from what they're doing.
Like at this point, OK, if if you have someone that is in your
in your family, mom, dad, grandpa, whatever, grandma,
whatever. Yeah, you have to in your mind
Start Stop looking at them like mom, like dad, like the like
grandpa and start seeing them as a person who is try simply
trying to get you to do what they want.
Have that capacity? It's going to be super hard at
first, but it takes practice. And yes, you can do it.
Just to add 2 to what you're saying, expect pushback like
like the the examples you give right now.
You know, the mom reached out to her husband and she, he's the
one that texted him the son. And I feel like that's, that's
push back. Like you're gonna, they're not
used to you putting boundaries. Cause what he did by sending the
flowers to avoid any uncomfortable, not
uncomfortable. But like any conversations with
the mom where it was going to be, there's, there was going to
be disrespect or maybe he wasn't ready and that's why he chose
that option of having the flowers delivered.
There's going to be once you start putting boundaries, you're
going to start seeing that it's going to get worse before it
gets better, like because there's going to be pushback
because these people don't know, umm, what boundaries is because
no one has held them accountable.
No one has hold them accountable.
Umm, so expect that like go into into this with that mindset of
it's going to get it's going to get bad.
Before it gets better, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, they're not going to like it.
Yeah. They're absolutely not going to
like it. They're going to throw a fit and
it's going to be weird because we're talking especially if it's
your parents, because remember their entire.
Life they got used to to they got used to you.
Dropping your life, dropping your needs, dropping your plans,
dropping your everything to cater to them.
And this is not a healthy person.
OK, if if you have healthy parents that have healed and
have done the work and everything, this does not apply
right? We're speaking about toxic,
emotionally manipulative and controlling parents that try to
twist the narrative. To make you guilt trip just the
fact, look, you have to take a step back.
And just read the context. Read what they're saying.
Like really think about what they're saying.
If they're trying to guilt trip you, that's an automatic red
flag. The red.
Flag. Yeah, like why are you trying to
make me feel guilty, bro? You know right?
If I can't, I can't. And I think that what you
mentioned earlier, the I think the first flag for me would have
been the I need help with this task on this day and I need you
to come this day. And when he responded back of
like, I'm available such and such day.
And she didn't take that as an answer, right?
So right away that's a red automatic red flag too, right?
That should have been the first one.
But sometimes, you know, I can speak from personal experience
like that, you don't even think of that because of how so many
years of you been being conditioned of you just living
in that environment that sometimes it it doesn't come to
you and you think it's quote UN quote normal, but it obviously
it's not. But once you start educating
yourself, you know, reading books, listening to podcasts,
you'll Start learning. Hey, my parents, my coworker, my
friends do this. Maybe I need to be curious.
Like one of my one of our friends say be curious and like
ask yourself wait. This made me feel uncomfortable.
Like is this is this right? So yeah, umm, mm.
Hmm. Definitely.
Let me give you guys an example, OK, personal example.
Two years ago, Thanksgiving, we're having dinner here at my
house. We invited my sister, my mom,
some friends. So it was like a Friendsgiving,
you know, slash Thanksgiving. The boy, my my son's brought a
friend. There was like several people.
My nephew was here with his girlfriend, several, several
people. We were, oh, we were playing.
So my mom and my sister are in the living room.
My mom, my sister has 2 little kiddos, my niece and my nephew.
And my mom's kind of like helping her like change the
diaper. I don't know what it was
exactly, but Nat, myself and you know, the boys or whatever,
we're all in the in the kitchen. Table, just playing some card
game or some table game. Every game, yeah.
It's just a game. And we're all having a, we're
all having fun. And all of a sudden, out of
nowhere, I hear. Yoni like a like my mom yells
Yoni because my sister and my mom call me uni Yoni the IT like
dead silence. Yeah, and I just look over and
she's like this story Orlando, not the disclaimer.
Children turn off the speaker right now.
She said she yelled it not the ME Appendejas.
And I'm in shock. Yeah.
Because she spoke like that to me in front of my kids, in front
of my wife, in front of my friends.
Yeah. And everyone's like dead silent
nervous laughter. And my mom looks at over at the
rest of the people at the table. And at this point I'm getting up
and I'm walking over and she's like.
Like she kind of left it off and then.
You know, there's nervous laughter from the friends.
So I take the picture, whatever that they want that she wanted.
She sits down on the couch and then everybody kind of just
starts playing the game again and kind of things go back to
quote UN quote normal. I here's what I do guys, My at
this point and this one, I'm telling you, it's so hard.
My heart was pounding out of my chest.
I, my mom sitting on the couch. I kneel down.
I get close to my mom, heart's pounding and I say mom in a very
calm voice, in a very calm demeanor.
Yeah. I looked at my mom and I was
like, mom, you will never ever speak like that to me again,
especially in front of my kids, my wife and my friends.
That was not OK. I felt embarrassed.
Yeah. And she just kind of looked at
me in shock and she was like, OK, OK, I'm sorry.
And I was like, thank you. I got up, I went back to the
table, and the night continued 10 minutes later.
My mom's like, Nope, I'm away, starts getting her things.
And I'm like, you haven't even been here that long.
Like, you know, just just station, Like, no, no, no, like,
you know, that's it. I'm done.
Yeah. We're like, OK, have a nice day,
guys. Almost three months passed.
It was almost three months. It was two months and a couple
of weeks, but almost three months entirely that she did not
message me or call me. Right.
And I was not going to reach out because little art would have.
Little art would have said, oh, well, it's my responsibility to
reach out and make amends over something that she did.
Because I just, I, I would rather break the silence versus
keep this. Treatment happening or whatever
this silent treatment happening. But remember silent treating
when you call someone out, a family, you know a toxic person
if you if you call them out and they give you the silent
treatment in the back end without a conversation, without
an apology, etcetera. That is also a red flag, which I
learned. Yeah.
So I said I am not going to reach out, right?
She was the one that messed up. She was the one, she's the one
that needs to apologize. Not that I was expecting it, you
know, but I was just like, I'm not going to reach out, right,
guys? Almost three months, man.
And we finally had the conversation and it was a very
hard conversation. And I said mom like, oh, my
sister, by the way, like during Christmas, around Christmas,
this happened in Thanksgiving. So around Christmas, New Year's
time, she was like, dude, mom's tripping.
And you know, she's no opposed Uni disclaimer, remove the
kiddos, turn off the speaker. Sorry.
Guys. Yeah, you know, Yeah, my boy.
Yeah. My way in North Carolina and
blah, blah. And then my, my sister, I call
her Nana. I was like, and then I go, no,
no, no, no, no. None of that happened.
None of that's true. All he did was tell you to not
to talk to him with respect. Right.
That's it. Yeah.
Why are you blowing it up to that level, Right.
And again, dramatizing the situation to try to cover for
your flaw is. A form of manipulation, right?
Because you're manipulating the narrative, yeah.
So all these things, guys. And we love, I mean, we love
her. I love her.
Mom. Yeah, yeah, same.
I love. Mom, I mean, she, she calls me
Santa. I I need to clarify because I
don't know if it's like Santa Claus or no, but no like well
behaved. That's what she calls me.
Santa, there you go, like a St. Yeah, we don't believe him in
Saints, but that's another story.
But yeah, I mean, we love her with all, you know, with all due
respect, that was our personal experience where like you
pointed, you mentioned it earlier, you know, the expect or
I said expect pushback. There's going to be pushback.
Her pushback was the silent treatment and pushback can be
guilt, anger, not talking to you, manipulating the narrative.
So you know, guys, once you start putting boundaries, stay
strong. These things are going to happen
and it's OK, It's normal. And that just says it means that
you're the boundaries are working.
So stay strong. Stay strong guys.
Remember, sorry, remember. Cutting, cutting off toxic
family if it if the situation calls for it is not easy, man.
It's one of the hardest things you're going to do.
Why is it so hard? Because you love them, you know,
But there's also a lot of, I don't want to call it
brainwashing, like grooming that happened when you were little.
So you still have that inside. Like there's still that little
you that is afraid of stating your needs and having your voice
heard. You know, a lot of you guys were
raised that your your feelings are not valid and your opinion
doesn't matter or whatever. And then you learned it when you
were. Little to just shut up.
It's like, all right. Whatever you say then.
And good thing you say that right now.
It brought back memory of myself where I think that's why growing
up my vocabulary wasn't till this day, it's it's getting
better but where I struggle to come up with a word because we
had no voice. Like I mean from what I can
remember, this is my my what I can remember.
I'm the oldest of five so each siblings experience is
different. But this is my experience where
parents would be arguing. I don't recall any parent asking
how are you? Or like, I know my mom for sure
didn't because she not that she was a bad mom, but because she
was so busy and like focused on trying to save her marriage and
take care of her kids where she didn't have she didn't know how
to ask her kids. How are you?
Are you guys doing? OK.
So I had no voice. So that's why it's so hard for
me to express certain feelings or have that vocabulary because
I felt like I had no voice. I mean, but yeah, I am back to
what you said earlier about the, you know, limiting or cutting
contact if needed, you know, depending on everyone's
individual situation. I mean, I can talk about my
personal experience as well where, you know, a family
member, you know, I have a few family members who doesn't,
right, who like to drink. And it got to the point where
this person couldn't control their drinking and it would get
very weird during parties, gatherings.
Violent, not not violent, but like, no, I think it was more I
don't think it was violent because there was no like
hitting or fights. It was, I think it was more like
verbally fights. Yeah, but then the two 3:00 in
the morning calls of. No, that's another example.
Yeah, but no, this person where they like to drink.
So every time they would call me at a certain time, past a
certain time, I would get, I would see the the call come in
in my phone and I would get anxious.
It almost felt like PTSD because I would get anxious, I didn't
want to answer the phone. I would get a ugly feeling in
the pit of my stomach and I'm like, I don't want to talk to
this person. Seeing this person's name on the
caller ID like you said. And it was just, it was pretty
bad during those years. And I decided to not answer the
calls because when I would right away, you can tell this person
was drinking and the conversation would just go South
really quick. And I would end up feeling
guilty, mad, angry, all the emotions.
And it got to the point where it was affecting me mentally.
And I said, that's it. I can't keep, I don't have the
mental capacity to keep answering this person's phone
calls when they're drinking because I love them.
They're such an awesome person when they're not drinking.
I love this person to death, but I can't deal with them when
they're drinking. So in this example, I had to cut
them off or I would not answer their calls.
If it was past five o'clock 6:00, I couldn't answer their
call. If it was important, they can
leave me a voicemail. I would listen to the voicemail
and if I knew I'm not going to return your call that day, I'll
call you the next morning. So it was hard, very hard.
Because you know it, it's like you're thinking all these
thoughts go through your head and you're like, are they OK?
Did an accident happen? Like, but I had to 'cause it
was, it was affecting me. So you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
being vulnerable. I'm saying these things cause
guys, 'cause I know out there there's someone going through
the same thing and for your mental health, you have to cut
or put these boundaries on some people.
Whether they like it or not, right?
Because your their reaction to your boundary, ladies and
gentlemen, is not your responsibility.
Right. Like I I read this really sorry
I think it was or I heard it from a pod from the ex ex
messenger where it was Lisa and John Bevere and I think they
said cannot. You can now be responsible for
other others people's feelings. You can offer to help but not be
like they're. Like offered to help in the
sense of, umm, asking them how can I help you?
Not giving them options like, oh, I can do AB and C, you know,
it's like asking them directly, like how can I be of help so
that you're not enabling them. But yeah, it was, it was hard,
but you have to. You have to, guys.
When I'm I'm going to assume that everyone listening you've
been on a plane and every single flight before the plane takes
off there is the airplane lady or what do you call them?
The flight attendant, the flight attendant's mega brain Fort, the
flight attendant explaining to you how to put on your mask if a
situation happens where the you know the plane has no oxygen and
you have to put masks on. Whose mask do they tell you to
put on 1st? Your kids, Your spouse?
No, they tell you to put your mask on.
You have to be OK before you can help anyone else because if you
have no oxygen now you pass out and now you can't help your
spouse and your kids, right? So same situation here.
Why is the boundary important? Because you have to be OK.
If you are not OK, you're just going to bleed that onto your
spouse and onto your children. Yep.
Be over something that is not their fault and which isn't fair
for your marriage and for your family, you know?
So that's why boundaries are so important, guys.
And yes, your voice matters. Yes, your emotions matter.
The I guarantee you 9 times out of 10, the people that you're
setting boundaries with are not going to like it.
And it's not your responsibility that is their problem to deal
with. But they don't get to control
your boundary by their berinche, right?
By their tantrum, right? What do you mean you can't come
over when I want you to come over?
What do you mean? You know, you're not going to be
at the family function where, you know, Theo Juan is drunk off
his butt, making everybody uncomfortable and touching you
and, you know, caressing your shoulders the way he does when
he's drunk. But he's your deal.
You know how he gets. He's just like that.
Just just put up with it, you know, because that's normal.
That's just the way he is. I love your voice.
Oh, dude, Like, no, I'm not going.
Is he going to be there at the party?
Well, yeah, of course. Then I'm not going.
Right. Period.
And I don't care who doesn't like it, right?
And it got to, it got to that point, too, where we stopped
going to family gatherings. Oh, yeah, because there was
alcohol involved. And we have nothing against a
cup of wine, a wine, a beer, right?
Like a glass of wine, a glass of wine, a glass of wine.
A big old cup. A slurp. 711 Slurp.
No, no, like there's nothing wrong with that.
Now, if you're drinking to mask or to completely change your
mind, then that's when it's wrong.
Yeah, that's. When you're chasing to get
drunk. Right, because you're masking
something, right? Anyway, we stopped going to
these gatherings because there was alcohol involved, right?
So yeah, guys, we had to. Ask like, is there going to be
alcohol at the event? Yes.
Then we're not going, right? And it's not because of the
alcohol. It's because of the specific
people that we're going to be there that cannot control their
alcohol consumption and the way they got made all of us feel
uncomfortable. So because we can't control
them, we would rather just not be there.
Right. And I believe right now that I
was saying before I got interrupted by our dog Peach,
but just kidding, we love her. It was very hard for me.
A lot of things are hard for me, but not impossible.
I'm just very emotional. So with these family gatherings,
family five with a bunch of nieces and nephews kitchen out
there is a your typical Mexican family you had We had parties
every weekend, every single weekend.
We would get together for every holiday.
So when we started putting those boundaries and we stopped going
to family gatherings, umm, Oh my goodness, I cried.
I would cry every night because I'm super close to my family and
when I said enough is enough and I wanted to make sure that my
kids didn't grow up thinking that that was OK and then for
them to do the same thing with their future family.
I said no. Like you said earlier, it things
were bleeding onto you guys, onto yourself unto unto our kids
and I, I put a stop. So yeah.
And I can tell you that the boys and I are ever grateful for
that. And because I, especially me,
know as your husband, knowing how hard that was for you.
Yeah. But the fact that you were able
to finally put your foot down and have the courage to do that,
that was amazing. Yeah.
Thank you. All right guys, there's some
other examples that we have for you, but we want to get to the
how to all. Right we are. 49 minutes in and
I feel like we haven't gotten to the how to and I'm sorry.
OK, so step one, set clear boundaries.
We talked about we're talking a lot about boundaries.
So you have to decide what what is a boundary.
Very simple. Decide what is and what is not
OK for you. For example, do you need to stop
accepting calls after a certain time?
Do you refuse to engage in screaming matches or guilt
trips? You have to be clear and
consistent. So remember the boundary.
When you set a boundary, you're not trying to control that
person. You're not telling that person,
if you do this, then I'm going to do this.
No, because you can't. That that now you're trying to
manipulate them and that what their behavior is the boundary
is Look, for instance, so this is just an example.
Look, mom, I love you and I want to spend time with you.
However, if you are going to be drinking when we hang out, I
don't like the way you get when you drink.
Therefore, I am just going to leave.
Yes. Yeah, and I did have that
conversation. Thank you for understanding,
Mom, right. She's not going to like, all of
a sudden you're so Santita and also all of a sudden you can't,
you know, deal with a little jab here and there and you can't
deal like, all that is manipulation, guys.
And they're, they're also going to say like going like now just
because you're Christian. Yeah, we're going to church or
whatever. Yeah, like you're perfect.
Now it's like, no. No, no one said that.
That's just a boundary. Right.
It's, hey, look, if you want to drink, you go ahead and drink,
but I'm not going to be part of it, right?
I see this simply. I'm not trying to control you.
I'm not trying to tell you not to drink.
Hey, look, Mom, when I see you drink, it makes me feel XY and
Z. Yeah.
Therefore, I am choosing to no longer be a part of that.
So I will show up to a party. I will show up to Christmas.
I will show up to Thanksgiving. But the moment you start
drinking, I'm out. Yeah.
You can continue drinking without me.
That's OK, right? You don't have to stop your life
for me. I'm just letting you know how I
feel. Right?
That's a boundary. Yeah.
And just to add back like about what boundaries are, I heard
with that boundaries are invisible, invisible property
lengths of our life. So like I also saw an example of
a couple and they each had a a hula hoop around them.
So the boundary is like what is inside their hula hoop, whatever
is on the other partners who hula hoop that's theirs.
Like you can only control what's inside of your hula hoop, Yeah.
I like that. I mean not the best example
visually. But that's cool.
That's cool, yeah. So set clear boundaries guys.
You know if you have. If if a situation rises up, you
know with a family member that. They did something horrific to
you, to your child, and you do not want to see that person
during your healing process. It is so valid for you to say.
I would love to go to. Aunt or, you know, to my niece
Titi's, you know, graduation or party or whatever question is so
and so going to be there. Yes, they are going to be there.
OK, fantastic. Let me know how the party goes,
please. I do not want to be there.
Oh, well, what are you saying? That I have to stop inviting
this person because of what happened to you?
No, you can invite them. I'm not telling you what to do.
Right. That's what a boundary is.
Guys, I'm just letting you know what I am going to do or not do,
right? That's it.
That's what a boundary is and it has to be crystal clear,
respectful. Like I'm, I'm respecting you.
I'm respecting me, right? So step number one, set clear
boundaries. Step #2 communicate those
boundaries. You have to be firm.
You have to be calm and without apology.
Try something like like what I told you with my mom.
So I typed this out. So forgive me.
I'm not OK with being spoken to like that.
If it happens again, I'm ending the conversation and then follow
through. The key guys is the follow
through because setting boundaries with toxic people
that are, that could be narcissistic, that could be
manipulative, that could be controlling.
It's kind of like taking away their drug.
It's kind of like taking away the beer from the alcoholic.
They're not going to like it. Like, wait a minute, you know,
this phrase used to work on him or her all the time and it used
to get them to turn around and come back in and do what I said,
but now it's not working. The follow through has to be
key. They have to know that you're
for real. And again, you're not
disrespecting, you're not being whatever.
It's just, hey, I'm not OK with you talking to me like that.
If it happens again, I'm ending the conversation plain and
simple. OK, step #3 expect pushbacks.
We already talked about that. But toxic people do not love
boundaries, guys. They're going to test them.
Guarantee you subconsciously, they're going to test.
They're going to give you their try.
They're going to try to throw guilt trips at you.
They're going to throw anger at you.
They're going to get explosive with you.
Because remember, controlling people that I know, a couple
that I, I pray for for them. This dude controls his wife with
anger. He controls his family with
anger. If things don't go the way he
wants, boom, he turns on the anger switch so that people fall
in line like little soldiers and do exactly what he wants.
And if you don't do what I want, I'm going to get angry and I'm
going to throw a fit and I'm going to yell and I'm going to
explode to get them to submit to my will.
Yeah, that's horrific. That's another conversation.
Anger, silent treatments. You know, it might get worse
before it gets better. No, it's gonna get worse before
it gets better, I'm telling you. But it's OK.
Stay grounded. If you're a Christian, you know,
if you believe in God, obviously pray on it.
Pray for strength. Pray for peace.
But I think that happened to us like last year.
No, I was like, holy moly, it got really bad.
Yeah, where it was like no parties with family.
Yeah. I think it was really more for
myself. I feel like it was God, like,
Dang, I'm one of your strongest soldiers because it was one
after another thing. Yeah.
Like I think last year. I mean, I'm not trying to talk
about myself. It's just, again, I have a lot
of personal testimony because I've gone through a lot.
People that are close to me can attest to that.
And I love you, yes. We can.
And I love my husband too, but we love you too.
Yeah. It it, it's going.
You'll make it, guys. You'll be like me next year.
And you're going to look back and be like, Dang, I'm so proud
of myself, of the person that I have become.
Yeah. Because I was able to recognize
those red flags and recognize those those people that were
being toxic. And I put my foot down and I
started like, what art stuff? Talking about these steps.
So yeah. Yeah, here's a cool thing, guys.
When they, when the toxic people in your life that this, that
you're, as we're talking about this stuff that they keep
popping up in your head, this is for you.
If they do with the guilt, if they hit you with the guilt
trips, they hit you with anger, they hit you with the silent
treatments and all that stuff. Oh, I can't believe after all
we've done for you, blah, blah, blah.
It's a sign that your boundaries are working.
OK, sign. And then just pray for them that
they actually change, that they actually get help, you know,
because no one wants to be around that forever.
Step #4 Limit or cut contact if needed.
So let me recap real quick. Step number one, set clear
boundaries. Step #2 communicate the
boundaries. Step #3 expect some pushback.
Step #4 limit or cut contact if needed.
If the situation is hard enough to where it's required.
Sometimes guys, the healthiest move is distance.
Yes, this includes low contact and even zero contact.
You get to decide what level of relationship is safe and
sustainable for you. You decided, guys.
You are the one that is setting the boundary.
You decide what level is safe and sustainable.
They don't get to decide for you.
If someone in your family hurt you, they don't get to tell you.
Yeah, no, no. Yeah, Like, yeah, get over it.
Yeah, it happened, you know, Yeah, forget about it.
Like they do not get to say how long it takes you to heal.
They don't get to set that boundary for you guys.
It is you 100%. Matter of fact, if they're the
ones telling you that, that is a bigger red flag that tells you
that is not a relationship that you want in your life.
Step #5 finally do the bigger. Do the inner, do the inner work.
Toxic family dynamics can mess with yourself worth.
Yep, especially if you grew up in it.
Guys, remember, if just the thought of setting a boundary
with your mom, with your dad, with someone you know, a family
member, if just the thought of it makes you anxious, makes you
get sweaty, makes you get nervous, like, Oh my gosh, that
would be so hard for me. There's a little you inside of
you. Little you is not healed.
Little you is still thinking, oh, but it's because I can't
because they're my parents, or I can't because it's an authority
figure. It's my grandpa.
Like the grandpa and grandpa raised me.
How am I going to ever do that to them?
Yeah. Borisitos.
It's like, no dude, it's, it's necessary.
Yeah. So what's inner work?
Go to therapy, obviously church and pray and you know, find,
find a confidant, you know, a support group, even you know of
trauma survival. I don't know, whatever the CR,
CR celebrating recovery. Yeah, journaling.
I personally love journaling. I have my little book where I
feel like I'm talking to God and I can I can journal.
And I'm like, hey, dear, hey, God.
I start every entry by Hey, God, and then I just pour my heart
out on paper and it's so helpful.
Yeah, you know. I also wanted to add to the, the
doing the work, like you said, the going to church.
I think that was very crucial for myself.
I mean, everybody's inner work is different, but we have a walk
in closet and I would just when I was having like just those.
Dark moments, tough moments. I would just go to my closet,
sit there and just. Cry.
Listening to worship music I think was that's where it hits
me the most now worship is the best.
Like I feel like I connect to the Holy Spirit with music
anyway, which is biblical, right?
And I would listen to praise and worship music in the closet,
crying my eyes out and the Holy Spirit would just touch me and I
would bawl even more. It's not running down my face,
my nose. But I wanted to share this
quote, Bible verse, Matthew 1128 really quick.
It says come to me, all of you who are weary and burned, and I
will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn
from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.
And you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
So what is Jesus? And it's in red letter.
This is Jesus like you. You go to him.
That's what he wants. He wants you to go with him when
things are hard and. Sorry, 'cause I get emotional
'cause Dang, like if I my relationship with God with Jesus
wasn't strong. And I know maybe some of you
guys listening, if your guys's relationship with your Savior
with Jesus Christ isn't tight, get tight with him guys, 'cause
he pulled me out of some dark moments.
I mean wow, this verse like really pulled out these
emotions, 'cause man, like you know if you're family is being
toxic or anyone that you're close with and it's hard for you
guys right now, like know that your Heavenly Father is perfect
and He created you in his image and he's there.
He hears you crying at night. He hears, He knows your
thoughts, so go to him guys. The fight is gonna be hard, but
don't give up because your future family will thank you for
this future generations. Guys, if we want things to get
better at schools in the United States and the world, it has to
start with us. So, yeah, thank you.
Wow, thank you for sharing them all.
Thank you for listening to me, my Jesus talk.
Yeah, hey, one of my favorite songs is for God to love the
world by we the Kingdom. Come on you weary, come on, you
thirsty? Come to the well that never
runs. Try.
Jesus is waiting with open arms. You know what went to now that
we're talking about music, Praise and worship Brandon Lake,
his first songs? Don't Give Up on Me.
Don't give, Yeah. Don't give up on me.
Yeah. That one I feel like, you know,
it's him singing to God, like don't give up on me.
But I when I first heard it, I felt like he was saying, like
God was telling him, don't give up on me.
Like no matter what you're going through, keep going to me.
Yeah, that's how we took it. But sorry, guys, this went
somewhere else. But no, no, it's not.
Not sorry for Jesus. No, no, I mean never.
This he made this podcast. 100% I do want to address Mama one of
the one of the last comments that one of our listeners asked
us to comment on. Yes.
So this person said they have aggressive parents that just
don't change and never accept that they're wrong.
They can't. They can't.
They constantly complain and are angry and are in competition
with you and treating their spouse bad in front of you.
When I asked for clarification, they said in my case, my dad
treats my mom bad in front of you like in front of them.
OK, so here is what I would say to that dear listener.
Remember what I said at the beginning of the episode, Hurt
people hurt people. This is a Hispanic culture
background because this person's Hispanic and almost always they
are also hurt children. There's little children inside
of them that were also hurt. Yeah.
But they never healed. Clearly if they are in
competition with you, that is very unhealthy and I'm sorry
that you're going through that. It is absolutely not healthy and
it is not your responsibility to make them stop.
Yeah. You cannot take that upon
yourself because that is not your burden to carry.
It is not your. You can't say it's my job to
make my mom and dad stop being in competition with me.
No, because that is a never ending battle.
Yeah. Because if they refuse to
change, you can't force them to change.
And I think also to add. Sorry, no, I think, I mean
there's more to the the the question, like we can dig deeper
on that one. But I think you can start where
like putting boundaries. You know, if you as hard as it
is because you love your parents, they probably need to
see that change where you're putting those boundaries in
your. You tell them like, you know,
what if this type of behavior is going to keep happening during
family gatherings, for example, I'm not going to be around that.
Like you said earlier, I'm not going to participate in that
environment. And once they start seeing that
change in you, they're going to be like, oh, oh, sorry, the
language. Oh, crap.
Like what are we doing? Like, we love our daughter and
let's make a change. So maybe it needs to start.
We're putting batters if you haven't already.
Yeah, realize that there there's hurt little people inside of
them too, right? And it's not your job to fix
them. That's their work.
And it doesn't make it OK for them to be.
It does not make it OK. Absolutely not.
It does not justify them. Right.
They have to do their own work. Yeah.
And if it's affecting you in that manner, dear listener, here
is how I would go about it. Y'all could hear Peach going at
it with the birds. There's a crow that teases my
Peach. OK, so in if I was in your
shoes, listener, and and this, this is how I would go about it.
OK, if they constantly complain, they're constantly angry,
they're constantly in competition with me and they're
mistreating each other in front of me as a grown adult, I would
say, dear mom, dear dad, I love you guys to death and I am
absolutely heartbroken and tired of seeing you guys treat each
other this way going forward. If you if I see this behavior
again, I'm leaving because it breaks my heart.
If you guys start again, I'm leaving.
I'm not going to sit here and play lawyer.
I'm not going to sit here and play peacemaker, which is
probably the dynamic that used to happen where little you tried
to no, no, mom and dad like makeup, kissing, makeup, come
on, which removed responsibility from mom and dad.
That's not your responsibility. So that's how I would handle it.
I would say it breaks my heart to see you guys like this.
I am no longer going to accept it.
So when you're ready to hang out, I would love to hang out.
You're my parents. I love you guys.
I would love to hang out, right? And I love me and my spouse
more, though now I'm a grown adult.
So guess what? I'm not coming over anymore.
If you want to see me, we're going to see each other at a
restaurant where you can't flip, you can't go crazy on each
other, right? And that's the only place that
we're going to see each other because it's the only place that
I feel safe. Did the listener I'm sorry, say
that the the father was disrespectful to the mom?
Or. OK, yeah, I mean, I would call
him out on what he's doing respectfully and in a safe
place. Maybe have someone else there
with you that you can trust if the, you know, situation gets
out of control. Be in a public pace and be like,
you know, all due respect, you're not going to speak to my
mom like that because maybe it hasn't.
No one has called him out. And yeah.
Facts. Yeah.
And I would also say, hey, mom, when are you?
When are you going to put a stop to that training?
Why are you? Why are you still allowing it?
Get some help. Yeah.
You know I can no longer stand and see this.
Like you said, that behavior bleeds to the kids.
It does. It does, and it does more harm
than good, obviously, yeah. Now, if they're always
complaining and they're angry and stuff, hey, look, again, I
love you guys, but every time I come over, all you do is
complain and you're always angry.
Please call me when you're not. Yeah, please call me when we can
have a great conversation. And it'll be at a coffee shop.
It'll be at a village inn. It'll be, you know, somewhere
where you're not going to be flipping tables and, you know,
going crazy because unfortunately, this is the only
a public place is the only place I feel safe with you if they're
in competition with you. That one really is like a, it's
really bugging me. Why are they in competition?
I'm curious, like, why are they in competition?
Here's the thing though. You cannot have a healthy
conversation with an unhealthy person.
And if you get curious because they're you're telling me that
they're already angry, they might just flip it on you and
get angry that you're even asking.
So I would give that, I would turn that over to God and just
set that boundary. Of it look why they're in
competition with you. That's super toxic.
That's super unhealthy. You're their child.
Why? Why wouldn't?
I would never be in a competition with my kids.
I would want my kids to succeed 10 * 100 times harder and better
than I ever did. I would be more proud than ever,
you know? And if they're not, man, I'm
really sorry #1 and #2 it's not your job to, like, fix it, you
know, give it to God for now and pray that they end up doing the
work so that you can have that conversation eventually.
But right now I would give it to God.
Yeah. I hope that helps.
Yeah, many of you want us to dissect it even more.
Or clarification. Reach out, anyone.
Please reach out to us. Reach out and send us Adm this
specific listener, you have our number, so just hit us up Yeah,
and we can have a coffee or something Yes.
OK, so recapping, recapping 5 steps.
OK step number one, spot the toxicity.
Sorry, step #1. Set.
Clear boundaries #2 communicate the boundaries #3 you're going
to get pushback and it's OK. It means that the bound, the
boundaries are working #4 limit or cut contact if needed.
If that's the only way to feel safe, that is OK.
And that is if they don't like it, that's not your issue.
And then do the inner work. Oh great point.
What if you can't go no contact? They live in the same house as
you. A lot of people cutting contact
isn't an option due to culture, finances, shared
responsibilities. So in that case, here's a few
tips. Stick to neutral topics, limit
time spent together. Have an exit plan for difficult
gatherings. Oh here's a new one that I
heard. Use a grey rock method.
That means being emotionally unreactive and don't feed their
drama. Remember guys, these people,
these toxic people love the drama.
They love the show, they love the circus.
Be a grey rock. Meaning do not react
emotionally. You have to have a poker face of
like whatever because they're used to controlling you and
manipulating and taking control of the things through emotion
and anger. We already talked about that.
Don't don't fall for it. Lastly, find emotional support
somewhere, friends, a chosen family, someone that you choose
and then a therapist. OK, you can't change them, but
you can change how much access they have to you and your
emotional energy. All right.
So we're going to wrap it up here guys.
Here's a message we want to leave you with.
You're #1 The way they are is not your fault.
The way they are is not your responsibility.
You are not a bad person for protecting your peace.
You are not greedy. You are not selfish.
You are not self-centered. It is your peace and your peace
alone. You're an adult.
If you're married and have children, even if you don't have
children, that rubs off on the people that you live with.
Yeah. So take control of it.
You're not bad for protecting your peace.
Do not feel guilty. Hispanic culture people do not
feel guilty. Don't let them play the guilt
trip on you, and if they do, that's just another flag that
proves that you're right and in setting the boundary.
And it's important that I'm glad that you said that because
again, that that's how I felt where you put those boundaries
and you stop talking to this family member because you're
protecting your pees, you're protecting your mental health.
And then you start feeling the enemy knows where to get you.
And there it starts telling you you're a bad daughter, you're a
bad son, family member. Like you're supposed to be there
for your family member because they're your mom or they're your
dad. It's like, uh, just because I'm
putting boundaries and protecting my peace doesn't mean
that I don't love them. Right.
You love them, but from afar. Yeah, the movie Lejitos, I can
still love you, right, And choose not to talk to you.
Yeah. And that is on you.
That's not on me. If you were healthy enough for
me to want to be around you, we would have be having a whole
different conversation. Yeah.
But because you're not healthy and because you act certain ways
and you do certain things, I'm just choosing to not put up with
it no more. Yeah.
And that's on you. That's not on me.
But guess what? I don't have to put up with it
because I am an adult, you know? Remember guys, blood is thicker
than water. No, throw that out the window.
Just because their family doesn't mean they're entitled to
access. You're allowed to choose peace
over obligation, healing over history, and boundaries over
burnout. Family isn't just who you're
born to, Family is who respects you, family is who shows up for
you, family is who loves you well enough.
OK now couple of oh I highly recommend if you guys are on
Instagram follow this page called Family mind or Family
mind. That's like family, like Fami
mind. Under score.
All together. Yeah, Quote in quotation marks.
It's strange. Kids run from conflict.
No, we ran from constant harm. Not a single disagreement.
We tried to talk, Yeah, but we just got talked over, dismissed,
punished or emotionally blackmailed.
We were raised to obey, not to express.
The moment we spoke up, it was seen as disrespect, not healing.
Remember guys, Hispanics, if you speak up, if they automatically
see it as disrespect, that is not OK.
When we said this, when you, when, when we said, hey, this
hurt me. All they heard was you're a bad
person. So the conversation never left
the even the IT didn't even leave the starting line.
They felt attacked by our pain instead of realizing they were
being asked to grow. Back to our listener about the
parents disrespecting each other and being in competition with
you. If they feel attacked by your
pain, that is their issue, not yours.
They need to realize that you're asking, you're asking them to
grow. All right.
We were told to stop being dramatic, too sensitive and
ungrateful. That's not communication, that's
emotionally erasure. We didn't run away from
conflict. We walked away from
conversations that only ended with our guilt.
They say we were the ones to cut them off, but the truth is we
cut off the cycle, the silence and the gaslighting.
Some families don't know what respect looks like without
control, so when we set boundaries, they saw it as
rebellion. That is not your responsibility,
guys. Finally we didn't walk away
because we didn't care. We walked away because we
finally did for us again, we didn't walk away.
We didn't walk away because we didn't care.
We walked away because we finally did for us.
That's why we walked away because we finally cared Makes
sense Super good man. There's so much more to share
with you guys, but man, it's this was supposed to be a quick
how to. Hey, I mean there's no such
thing as quick how to, especially with the stuff.
Yeah, this is a tough topic. Man, yeah.
So don't be afraid to set boundaries.
Guys. Remember, remember, remember it
is how they feel is not your responsibility.
Choose peace over obligation. Just because of your family does
not obligate you to be there whenever they snap their
fingers. You have a life, you have a
family and you have emotions and you have a voice and you have
responsibilities. It's OK to say what you need to
say. Yep.
Lovingly, Yep. But say what you need to say and
if they are not OK with it, again, that is their issue, not
yours. Yep.
Oof, that sounded really good. I don't know.
I love you, Mama. Thank you for opening your
heart, that was amazing man. Thank you.
And we love you all. Shoot us at the end with your
thoughts. Leave a comment in the.
Please. In the in the episode, in the
show notes, whatever. Share, subscribe, do what you
got to do. Yeah, man, if, if, if you know
somebody that could use this, shoot it out to them.
Yes, share it with them. Yes, yes, guys, we want to be
listen, not to brag or anything, but we want to be the lights
then in every household like times are dark and we got to be
the light. So share.
Thank you guys. Love you all, have a great
night. Have a great day, bye.