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Hey everyone, welcome to the 
light stand. 

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It has been a minute and I do 
apologize for that. 

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It has been pretty wild in the 
Ontiveros household, but we are 

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back and we are excited to 
finally kick this off once 

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again. 
So thank you guys for your 

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patience, man. 
Love you all. 

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We love you, we do we do, and I 
have my beautiful wifey today 

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here for this episode that was 
highly requested. 

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If you guys remember, for those 
of you that follow us on 

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Instagram, the under score light
stand, we put out a poll for a 

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couple of topics and by far how 
to handle toxic family was the 

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most requested. 
We also asked you guys if you 

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were comfortable to submit some 
examples or you know, just some 

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things that you're going through
personally that you wanted us to

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kind of touch on. 
And we will, we will mention no 

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names, it will just be general 
examples. 

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And it is more common than 
anything. 

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Manhandling, having toxic family
members. 

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You know, I think this 
generation in 2025, we are more 

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and more aware of mental health 
and breaking generational 

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curses, etcetera, etcetera, 
right, Boundaries, boundaries 

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like this, yeah. 
Yeah, I don't know what 

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boundaries was until a few years
back. 

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Like, whoa, same. 
I don't know if it's just like 

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the Hispanic culture or Mexican 
culture. 

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No, but I think it is a lot of 
Hispanic culture, some Asian 

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culture, some African American 
culture too. 

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You know, there's just a lot of,
let me put it this way. 

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There's a saying that says hurt 
people hurt people. 

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Yeah. 
And if you don't heal, you're 

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only passing on that trauma 
subconsciously and unwillingly, 

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sometimes to the next 
generation. 

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Yeah, I feel like toxicity is 
has no like it picks anyone like

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there anyone can be toxic. 
Exactly. 

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Doesn't matter if you're 
Hispanic, white, black, you 

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know. 
Whatever it does, yeah, it 

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doesn't matter. 
It's it has no color. 

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It just it's ugly and it's 
unfortunate. 

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I do want to say thank you to 
those of you guys that were 

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transparent and vulnerable 
enough to send us a couple of, 

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you know, examples and things 
that you have been going 

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through. 
Man, I apologize. 

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You know, I'm I'm sorry to hear 
that you've gone through that 

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and that you're experiencing 
that or have experienced that. 

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So we're going to do our best to
this one took a minute to put 

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together. 
Guys, we're not going to lie 

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this this episode specifically 
because it's like a how to it 

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really. 
It really took us a minute to to

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put together. 
So we hope to cover all bases. 

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It's not going to be 100%. 
Give us grace. 

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If there was anything that you 
felt we could have expanded on 

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more, send us a message. 
So here we go guys. 

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How to handle toxic family 
members without losing your 

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sanity. 
All right, so before it's just 

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so that we're all on the same 
page as far as what we're what 

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is a toxic person. 
I think because right now, 

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again, it's social media, it's, 
you know, the word toxic is 

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everywhere. 
And I think it's very overly 

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used and very badly used in some
situations. 

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So what's a toxic person? 
Here we go. 

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A toxic person is someone whose 
behavior consistently causes 

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harm, negativity and conflict in
the lives of those around them. 

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They often exhibit manipulative,
controlling, or abusive 

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behaviors, lacking empathy and 
potentially masking their 

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negativity with charm. 
These behaviors can stem from 

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underlying issues like low self 
esteem, mental health 

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conditions, or deep seated 
emotional wounds. 

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So here's an article that I 
pulled up. 

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From charliehealth.com. 
If you guys want the sources, 

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we'll be more than happy to 
shoot us a DM. 

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This one says quote. 
A toxic person, defined as 

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someone whose behavior 
consistently harms or undermines

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others, can create an unhealthy 
and stressful environment, 

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making interactions emotionally 
exhausting. 

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Maintaining healthy 
relationships is crucial for our

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over overall well-being. 
However, not all relationships 

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are beneficial. 
Some can be harmful. 

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Recognizing and addressing toxic
behavior is essential for people

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to protect their both their 
mental and emotional health. 

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And we're going to go through a 
couple of how TOS how does what 

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are so #1 would be setting 
boundaries #2 would be limiting 

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interactions, staying calm and 
detached, focusing on solutions,

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seeking support, practicing 
self-care, knowing when to walk 

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away. 
We're going to we're going to 

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get into all of it. 
OK, so First things first, let 

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me set the stage by saying if 
you are identifying as we're 

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going through the material, 
guys, if you're identifying 

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people in your family, we're not
like the purpose of this episode

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is not to, you know, Trancasos 
or to bash anyone. 

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This is not, you know, to 
slander people and to make 

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people feel like crap. 
Oh, disclaimer, if you have 

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children listening with you, you
might want to. 

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This is not the episode for 
them. 

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So disclaimer, OK. 
Adult only content. 

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Adult only content for this one,
just because it could be very 

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triggering. 
Yeah, and words might come up. 

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So I'm gonna give you time. 321.
This is your last chance, guys. 

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OK? 
So this is not to bash people, 

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OK? 
This is to give you guys the 

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tools and the content and the 
knowledge to try to equip you in

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the best way possible, to give 
you guys language and to give 

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you guys help on handling 
family. 

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Family's super hard, guys, 
family handling family's super 

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hard. 
Especially when the toxic person

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is your mom. 
Your dad, brother, sister. 

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You know, Aunt, Grandpa, 
Grandma. 

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Siblings. 
Siblings, it's very hard, but 

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especially when it's family with
an authority. 

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And just to piggy back on what 
you just said, I think it's hard

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when you all grew up in like you
guys trauma bonded because you 

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all experience some sort of 
trauma. 

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And that's when it's very hard. 
And I can say that for, you 

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know, with personal experience. 
So yeah, and I'll give more 

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details later, but it is hard. 
It is hard now us giving you 

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this content and us trying to 
help you and equip you for your,

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for your guys specific 
situation. 

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It's not going to make it 
easier. 

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OK, let me tell you, setting 
boundaries with your family is 

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going to be one of the hardest 
things you're ever going to do. 

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But it's or and it's also one of
the most necessary things that 

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you are going to do for your 
well-being, for your spouse's 

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well-being, for your and if you 
have children, for your 

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children's well-being. 
And it can be not just family, 

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it can be anyone, a Co worker. 
Boss Yeah, this applies. 

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This applies to a lot. 
We're going to try to keep it or

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we're going to keep it to family
only, you know, if you guys want

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more, because a lot of this can 
apply to pretty much any 

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anybody, right? 
But family is the hardest 1. 

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So that's how we're going to 
proceed here. 

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All right. 
So how do you spot the toxicity?

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Because a lot of you or a lot of
us grew up in a toxic 

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environment. 
So because we were babies and we

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literally, we grew up in that 
toxicity, in that negative 

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environment, in that 
manipulation, emotional 

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manipulation, all, you know, all
those types of toxic maybe, 

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maybe there was actual physical 
violence, verbal abuse, you 

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know, demeaning, like all kinds 
of bad stuff. 

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You grew up and it was normal. 
Yeah, loud distress, loud 

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conversations, disrespectful 
conversations, belittling 

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someone. 
Yeah, like if you grew up with 

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it, you think it's normal. 
Like even at a subconscious 

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level, when you get it, you 
become an adult. 

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You think that it's a normal 
dynamic and it's not, right. 

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So how do you spot the toxicity?
OK so 1st we need to talk about 

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what toxic really means because 
it's not just someone who annoys

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you or doesn't agree with you. 
A toxic family member is someone

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who disrespects your boundaries,
manipulates you emotionally, 

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consistently brings chaos or 
drama into your life, undermines

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your confidence or decisions. 
It makes you feel or sorry. 

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They make you feel drained, 
anxious, guilty on a regular 

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basis. 
And if it does sound familiar, 

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guys, you're not alone. 
Families can be our greatest 

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source of love, but they can 
also be our deepest sources of 

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pain. 
Yeah. 

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So let me give you guys an 
example. 

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We know of a situation where 
this person, this dude gets 

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married and the the mother 
attends the wedding and, you 

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know, pretend like puts on the 
face of like I'm so happy for 

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for my grown. 
Adult man and the mother starts 

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sending text messages like 
blowing up this man's phone. 

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When are you going to see me? 
I need you to come over because 

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remember the Bible says when a 
man will met, when a man gets 

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married he's going to leave his 
father and mother and become one

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flesh with his wife, right? 
So this is the son and the mom. 

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This is this is a son mom 
dynamic. 

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OK, this is a grown man, late 
20s professional, you know, like

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this dude has his career like 
bueno unito, you know, like pro 

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in his career and everything. 
Mom starts saying I need you to 

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come over this day because we 
are going to do some projects 

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around the house and I need I 
need your help. 

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You need to be here. 
The dude says I can't that day. 

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I already have plans. 
I can on this other day and this

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other day. 
And the mom tells him, I don't 

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know what you need to do, but 
you need, I need you this day. 

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So whatever you have going on, 
cancel it because this is the 

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only day and I need you here. 
Yeah. 

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Mind you, this mother has other 
siblings that can help with 

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these projects. 
Has other kids. 

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Has other yeah has other kids 
but she is on purpose telling 

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this grown man that this is what
she wants. 

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So this dude ends up canceling 
his plans and para que la 

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mamanos enoje so that he doesn't
upset the mom. 

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He does that which obviously 
created conflict with his wife 

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because the plans were with the 
wife. 

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You know, and here is. 
One scenario where the mom is So

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I just I asked this, I asked 
this dude, I was like. 

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What would have? 
Happened if you just said no, 

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sorry, I can't and period that 
you kept your plans and you gave

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her the hard note and the dude 
literally started 

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hyperventilating and we're 
talking about a grown man. 

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So what? 
What does this mean? 

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This means that this dude grew 
up as a child having to put her 

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his mom's needs over his. 
He had to ignore his own 

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emotional feelings and needs to 
tailor or to cater to his mom. 

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But OK. 
It's called this is called 

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grooming guys, where your mom or
your dad groom you of like the 

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only important person here 
emotionally is me. 

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You need to cater to my needs. 
You need to understand what my 

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needs are and I. 
Expect you to drop what you're 

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doing to meet my needs or else 
you know, that's manipulation. 

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How do I know it's manipulation?
Because so, you know, I've, I'm 

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working with this dude and I'm 
helping them set those 

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boundaries, right? 
Of I'm sorry, the no is a no. 

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You know, you have other people,
you have friends that you can 

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call and help you with the 
project. 

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It doesn't have to be me 
specifically, right? 

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But the mom didn't like that 
anyways. 

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Yeah. 
I, I knew that she started being

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manipulative because, for 
example, Mother's Day was just a

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couple months ago or last month,
and she would send this guy text

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messages of screenshots of like 
messages that he had sent her 

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before. 
Like, hey mom, I love you. 

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Or, you know, she would send 
them pictures of gifts that he 

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got her before. 
I see. 

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Like, oh, like I love you so 
much, son. 

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And you know, I, I can't wait 
to, to see you again. 

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And like just I'm like, this 
isn't normal. 

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Yeah. 
You know, for for a mom to be 

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kind of blowing up her son's 
phone with these kind of it. 

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It's almost, I wish I could 
describe it to you guys. 

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Like it was almost like a it as 
as you're reading through these 

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text threads, it almost felt 
like. 

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She was an ex-girlfriend. 
Like I miss you. 

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Like in that sense, you know, it
was just weird. 

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Like it wasn't a mom son 
dynamic. 

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It was, you know. 
Yeah. 

227
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,000
And I'm like, OK, that's what's 
happening here. 

228
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:56,240
So we started, or I started 
telling them, hey, this is 

229
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,920
what's happening. 
And I got some books because I 

230
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:02,480
never want people to think that 
I'm just giving my opinion out 

231
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,680
of nowhere, out of thin air. 
Yeah, I have resources and I 

232
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:10,960
have tools and I have, you know,
homework where I've been 

233
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:15,240
learning about this stuff. 
And I'm like, look, this is 

234
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,440
where I got it from. 
You know, this is what, this is 

235
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,760
what I'm learning. 
I'm not just pulling it out of 

236
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:20,640
thin air, Right. 
Yeah. 

237
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,560
And he was like, holy moly. 
She is an emotional manipulator.

238
00:17:28,319 --> 00:17:33,360
So I asked him, how do you feel?
Oh, he told me. 

239
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:38,840
I honestly 100% I honestly don't
even feel like going to their 

240
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,400
home to her house to visit her 
because I feel like she's going 

241
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:47,120
to just. 
Turn into this like poor me 

242
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:55,880
party and try to make me feel 
bad that I haven't. 

243
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,040
Seen her as often as she wants 
me to see her right? 

244
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:04,360
What should I do? 
And I told him I I asked him 

245
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,520
like, well, how do you feel 
about this option? 

246
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:07,680
How do you feel about this 
option? 

247
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:08,760
How do you feel about this 
option? 

248
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,400
I gave him different options and
he's like, honestly, I think 

249
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:15,920
this option, option A, is the 
best one. 

250
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:22,760
Option A was having flowers 
delivered to her by a catering 

251
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:26,480
service. 
And we know with the card and 

252
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:31,360
him just calling and saying, you
know, happy Mother's Day. 

253
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,000
I'm really sorry that I 
couldn't. 

254
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,040
Go, you know, I'm sorry, this 
was for. 

255
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,520
For a guy. 
The flowers. 

256
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,520
Were for the mom, for Mother's 
Day. 

257
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:46,360
OK, OK. 
I'm really sorry, you know, I'm 

258
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:50,680
really sorry that I couldn't go.
I, I had a big commitment that I

259
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,360
just could not break. 
But I'll, I'll see you when I 

260
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,480
you know, I'll see you when I 
see you. 

261
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:59,640
I'll see you when I can. 
So this goes through and later 

262
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,040
that night, he texts me a 
screenshot of what his father 

263
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:07,400
text him. 
It wasn't even a phone call. 

264
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,600
It was a text. 
He was like. 

265
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:14,520
So and so. 
I can't believe that you didn't 

266
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:22,840
have the the atencion to come 
and give your mother a hug. 

267
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,960
And a kiss and spend time with 
her on Mother's Day. 

268
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,840
You know, this is your one and 
only mother that you're going to

269
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:32,280
have for the rest of your life. 
How could you after everything 

270
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:38,520
she's done for you? 
I I hope and I pray that you 

271
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:42,520
don't have to live through what 
you put her through. 

272
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:48,400
And I was just as I'm reading 
this, I'm like, Oh my gosh, Now 

273
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:52,680
she is having someone enable 
this behavior. 

274
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:57,800
Yeah, now she has her dude in on
the manipulation. 

275
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:02,520
Yeah. 
You know, because through this 

276
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,440
text. 
And then her too, like she texts

277
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:08,320
I'm like, Oh my like, you know, 
I can't believe you couldn't 

278
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,000
just 5 minutes come and give 
them to me. 

279
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,880
Like, you know, you had to send 
a delivery service. 

280
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,800
What's going on with you? 
You're changing, blah, blah, 

281
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:22,320
blah. 
Never did they ask him why they 

282
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:27,840
never got curious why, which is 
narcissistic. 

283
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:33,960
A narcissist is all about them. 
Regardless of anyone else's 

284
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,000
feelings, it's all about them. 
Yeah. 

285
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,840
And I was like, bro, with all 
due respect, they're emotionally

286
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,680
manipulating you because how 
come they didn't ask you why? 

287
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:46,440
You know? 
Hey, why? 

288
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:49,640
Like we felt you distant, you 
know, like I'm a dad, right? 

289
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,080
Mm hmm. 
If my sons got that distant from

290
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,120
me and like, they didn't even 
want to come around, my first 

291
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:59,200
question would be, hey, is 
everything OK, Right. 

292
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,000
What's going on? 
You know, what did I do or what 

293
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,600
did mom do that you guys don't 
even want to come around 

294
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,320
anymore? 
You know, help us understand. 

295
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,440
Did we, you know, did we do? 
What did we do? 

296
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,880
Right. 
You know, did I do something? 

297
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,440
Did I? 
Yeah. 

298
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,760
Yeah, like, did I offend you? 
Did I whatever. 

299
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:20,760
Yeah, let's talk about it, 
right? 

300
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,120
And if I did mess up, dude, I 
apologize, right? 

301
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:28,440
You know nothing of that. 
They just blame, blame, blame. 

302
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,640
I can't believe you. 
How could you? 

303
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,840
You're the worst after 
everything I've done for you. 

304
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:37,000
That is emotional manipulation. 
And if you guys are going 

305
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:42,320
through that, how do you set a 
boundary? 

306
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:47,160
So you set a boundary by going 
back to the first point, 

307
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,960
spotting the toxicity. 
You have to realize what they're

308
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,640
trying to do and in your mind. 
You have to. 

309
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,880
Kind of divide the person from 
what they're doing. 

310
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:04,240
Like at this point, OK, if if 
you have someone that is in your

311
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:07,920
in your family, mom, dad, 
grandpa, whatever, grandma, 

312
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:12,120
whatever. 
Yeah, you have to in your mind 

313
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:18,000
Start Stop looking at them like 
mom, like dad, like the like 

314
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:24,640
grandpa and start seeing them as
a person who is try simply 

315
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,640
trying to get you to do what 
they want. 

316
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:35,080
Have that capacity? 
It's going to be super hard at 

317
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,200
first, but it takes practice. 
And yes, you can do it. 

318
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:46,000
Just to add 2 to what you're 
saying, expect pushback like 

319
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,360
like the the examples you give 
right now. 

320
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:54,600
You know, the mom reached out to
her husband and she, he's the 

321
00:22:54,600 --> 00:23:00,480
one that texted him the son. 
And I feel like that's, that's 

322
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,760
push back. 
Like you're gonna, they're not 

323
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:07,960
used to you putting boundaries. 
Cause what he did by sending the

324
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:16,240
flowers to avoid any 
uncomfortable, not 

325
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:21,480
uncomfortable. 
But like any conversations with 

326
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,680
the mom where it was going to 
be, there's, there was going to 

327
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:33,000
be disrespect or maybe he wasn't
ready and that's why he chose 

328
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:36,240
that option of having the 
flowers delivered. 

329
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,760
There's going to be once you 
start putting boundaries, you're

330
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:48,200
going to start seeing that it's 
going to get worse before it 

331
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,200
gets better, like because 
there's going to be pushback 

332
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:56,880
because these people don't know,
umm, what boundaries is because 

333
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:58,320
no one has held them 
accountable. 

334
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:00,720
No one has hold them 
accountable. 

335
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:12,920
Umm, so expect that like go into
into this with that mindset of 

336
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,480
it's going to get it's going to 
get bad. 

337
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,040
Before it gets better, right? 
Yeah. 

338
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:21,400
Yeah, yeah, they're not going to
like it. 

339
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:22,960
Yeah. 
They're absolutely not going to 

340
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,840
like it. 
They're going to throw a fit and

341
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:28,440
it's going to be weird because 
we're talking especially if it's

342
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,920
your parents, because remember 
their entire. 

343
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,800
Life they got used to to they 
got used to you. 

344
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:41,040
Dropping your life, dropping 
your needs, dropping your plans,

345
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:45,240
dropping your everything to 
cater to them. 

346
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,000
And this is not a healthy 
person. 

347
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:54,560
OK, if if you have healthy 
parents that have healed and 

348
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,760
have done the work and 
everything, this does not apply 

349
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,480
right? 
We're speaking about toxic, 

350
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,840
emotionally manipulative and 
controlling parents that try to 

351
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:08,440
twist the narrative. 
To make you guilt trip just the 

352
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:11,520
fact, look, you have to take a 
step back. 

353
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,480
And just read the context. 
Read what they're saying. 

354
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,080
Like really think about what 
they're saying. 

355
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:21,600
If they're trying to guilt trip 
you, that's an automatic red 

356
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:22,000
flag. 
The red. 

357
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,600
Flag. 
Yeah, like why are you trying to

358
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,880
make me feel guilty, bro? 
You know right? 

359
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,400
If I can't, I can't. 
And I think that what you 

360
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,840
mentioned earlier, the I think 
the first flag for me would have

361
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:43,080
been the I need help with this 
task on this day and I need you 

362
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:47,640
to come this day. 
And when he responded back of 

363
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,040
like, I'm available such and 
such day. 

364
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,240
And she didn't take that as an 
answer, right? 

365
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:58,640
So right away that's a red 
automatic red flag too, right? 

366
00:25:58,680 --> 00:25:59,920
That should have been the first 
one. 

367
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:05,840
But sometimes, you know, I can 
speak from personal experience 

368
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:10,640
like that, you don't even think 
of that because of how so many 

369
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:17,200
years of you been being 
conditioned of you just living 

370
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:21,240
in that environment that 
sometimes it it doesn't come to 

371
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:25,280
you and you think it's quote UN 
quote normal, but it obviously 

372
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,960
it's not. 
But once you start educating 

373
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:34,280
yourself, you know, reading 
books, listening to podcasts, 

374
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:40,760
you'll Start learning. 
Hey, my parents, my coworker, my

375
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:44,680
friends do this. 
Maybe I need to be curious. 

376
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:49,960
Like one of my one of our 
friends say be curious and like 

377
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:54,160
ask yourself wait. 
This made me feel uncomfortable.

378
00:26:54,160 --> 00:27:00,300
Like is this is this right? 
So yeah, umm, mm. 

379
00:27:00,300 --> 00:27:04,720
Hmm. 
Definitely. 

380
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,680
Let me give you guys an example,
OK, personal example. 

381
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,360
Two years ago, Thanksgiving, 
we're having dinner here at my 

382
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:19,160
house. 
We invited my sister, my mom, 

383
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:23,080
some friends. 
So it was like a Friendsgiving, 

384
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:29,480
you know, slash Thanksgiving. 
The boy, my my son's brought a 

385
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,880
friend. 
There was like several people. 

386
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:39,320
My nephew was here with his 
girlfriend, several, several 

387
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:44,960
people. 
We were, oh, we were playing. 

388
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:47,600
So my mom and my sister are in 
the living room. 

389
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:53,840
My mom, my sister has 2 little 
kiddos, my niece and my nephew. 

390
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:57,240
And my mom's kind of like 
helping her like change the 

391
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,680
diaper. 
I don't know what it was 

392
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:02,360
exactly, but Nat, myself and you
know, the boys or whatever, 

393
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:06,520
we're all in the in the kitchen.
Table, just playing some card 

394
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,000
game or some table game. 
Every game, yeah. 

395
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,040
It's just a game. 
And we're all having a, we're 

396
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:15,720
all having fun. 
And all of a sudden, out of 

397
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:21,560
nowhere, I hear. 
Yoni like a like my mom yells 

398
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:30,160
Yoni because my sister and my 
mom call me uni Yoni the IT like

399
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,240
dead silence. 
Yeah, and I just look over and 

400
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:38,000
she's like this story Orlando, 
not the disclaimer. 

401
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:40,480
Children turn off the speaker 
right now. 

402
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:46,160
She said she yelled it not the 
ME Appendejas. 

403
00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:00,560
And I'm in shock. 
Yeah. 

404
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:05,000
Because she spoke like that to 
me in front of my kids, in front

405
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:06,360
of my wife, in front of my 
friends. 

406
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:10,000
Yeah. 
And everyone's like dead silent 

407
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:14,640
nervous laughter. 
And my mom looks at over at the 

408
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:18,760
rest of the people at the table.
And at this point I'm getting up

409
00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:22,400
and I'm walking over and she's 
like. 

410
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,280
Like she kind of left it off and
then. 

411
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:30,920
You know, there's nervous 
laughter from the friends. 

412
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,800
So I take the picture, whatever 
that they want that she wanted. 

413
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,320
She sits down on the couch and 
then everybody kind of just 

414
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,640
starts playing the game again 
and kind of things go back to 

415
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:45,480
quote UN quote normal. 
I here's what I do guys, My at 

416
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:47,600
this point and this one, I'm 
telling you, it's so hard. 

417
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:50,440
My heart was pounding out of my 
chest. 

418
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,000
I, my mom sitting on the couch. 
I kneel down. 

419
00:29:55,880 --> 00:30:02,840
I get close to my mom, heart's 
pounding and I say mom in a very

420
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:05,840
calm voice, in a very calm 
demeanor. 

421
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,920
Yeah. 
I looked at my mom and I was 

422
00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:17,000
like, mom, you will never ever 
speak like that to me again, 

423
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:25,040
especially in front of my kids, 
my wife and my friends. 

424
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:31,840
That was not OK. 
I felt embarrassed. 

425
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:39,160
Yeah. 
And she just kind of looked at 

426
00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:46,080
me in shock and she was like, 
OK, OK, I'm sorry. 

427
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:51,720
And I was like, thank you. 
I got up, I went back to the 

428
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:55,920
table, and the night continued 
10 minutes later. 

429
00:30:56,440 --> 00:31:00,360
My mom's like, Nope, I'm away, 
starts getting her things. 

430
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,120
And I'm like, you haven't even 
been here that long. 

431
00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,760
Like, you know, just just 
station, Like, no, no, no, like,

432
00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:07,640
you know, that's it. 
I'm done. 

433
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,040
Yeah. 
We're like, OK, have a nice day,

434
00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:15,440
guys. 
Almost three months passed. 

435
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,280
It was almost three months. 
It was two months and a couple 

436
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:22,000
of weeks, but almost three 
months entirely that she did not

437
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:23,680
message me or call me. 
Right. 

438
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:31,720
And I was not going to reach out
because little art would have. 

439
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:38,240
Little art would have said, oh, 
well, it's my responsibility to 

440
00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:42,280
reach out and make amends over 
something that she did. 

441
00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:47,320
Because I just, I, I would 
rather break the silence versus 

442
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:50,160
keep this. 
Treatment happening or whatever 

443
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:54,400
this silent treatment happening.
But remember silent treating 

444
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:59,080
when you call someone out, a 
family, you know a toxic person 

445
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,360
if you if you call them out and 
they give you the silent 

446
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:06,040
treatment in the back end 
without a conversation, without 

447
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:10,160
an apology, etcetera. 
That is also a red flag, which I

448
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:11,000
learned. 
Yeah. 

449
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:14,160
So I said I am not going to 
reach out, right? 

450
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,480
She was the one that messed up. 
She was the one, she's the one 

451
00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:21,040
that needs to apologize. 
Not that I was expecting it, you

452
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:22,680
know, but I was just like, I'm 
not going to reach out, right, 

453
00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:24,440
guys? 
Almost three months, man. 

454
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:27,720
And we finally had the 
conversation and it was a very 

455
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:33,240
hard conversation. 
And I said mom like, oh, my 

456
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,040
sister, by the way, like during 
Christmas, around Christmas, 

457
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:38,320
this happened in Thanksgiving. 
So around Christmas, New Year's 

458
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:41,240
time, she was like, dude, mom's 
tripping. 

459
00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:45,880
And you know, she's no opposed 
Uni disclaimer, remove the 

460
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,800
kiddos, turn off the speaker. 
Sorry. 

461
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:57,000
Guys. 
Yeah, you know, Yeah, my boy. 

462
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:58,880
Yeah. 
My way in North Carolina and 

463
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,840
blah, blah. 
And then my, my sister, I call 

464
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:03,280
her Nana. 
I was like, and then I go, no, 

465
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:06,120
no, no, no, no. 
None of that happened. 

466
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:09,560
None of that's true. 
All he did was tell you to not 

467
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,440
to talk to him with respect. 
Right. 

468
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:13,360
That's it. 
Yeah. 

469
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:17,840
Why are you blowing it up to 
that level, Right. 

470
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,080
And again, dramatizing the 
situation to try to cover for 

471
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,360
your flaw is. 
A form of manipulation, right? 

472
00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:26,280
Because you're manipulating the 
narrative, yeah. 

473
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:31,680
So all these things, guys. 
And we love, I mean, we love 

474
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:32,320
her. 
I love her. 

475
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:33,200
Mom. 
Yeah, yeah, same. 

476
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:35,720
I love. 
Mom, I mean, she, she calls me 

477
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,760
Santa. 
I I need to clarify because I 

478
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:45,240
don't know if it's like Santa 
Claus or no, but no like well 

479
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:46,680
behaved. 
That's what she calls me. 

480
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:51,000
Santa, there you go, like a St. 
Yeah, we don't believe him in 

481
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:53,160
Saints, but that's another 
story. 

482
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:58,040
But yeah, I mean, we love her 
with all, you know, with all due

483
00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:05,000
respect, that was our personal 
experience where like you 

484
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:10,320
pointed, you mentioned it 
earlier, you know, the expect or

485
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:13,520
I said expect pushback. 
There's going to be pushback. 

486
00:34:13,639 --> 00:34:18,520
Her pushback was the silent 
treatment and pushback can be 

487
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:25,440
guilt, anger, not talking to 
you, manipulating the narrative.

488
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:31,440
So you know, guys, once you 
start putting boundaries, stay 

489
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,400
strong. 
These things are going to happen

490
00:34:34,679 --> 00:34:39,600
and it's OK, It's normal. 
And that just says it means that

491
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,639
you're the boundaries are 
working. 

492
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,840
So stay strong. 
Stay strong guys. 

493
00:34:45,679 --> 00:34:51,840
Remember, sorry, remember. 
Cutting, cutting off toxic 

494
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:56,080
family if it if the situation 
calls for it is not easy, man. 

495
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:57,400
It's one of the hardest things 
you're going to do. 

496
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:01,400
Why is it so hard? 
Because you love them, you know,

497
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:05,840
But there's also a lot of, I 
don't want to call it 

498
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,680
brainwashing, like grooming that
happened when you were little. 

499
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:12,080
So you still have that inside. 
Like there's still that little 

500
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:18,840
you that is afraid of stating 
your needs and having your voice

501
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,240
heard. 
You know, a lot of you guys were

502
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:26,360
raised that your your feelings 
are not valid and your opinion 

503
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:33,720
doesn't matter or whatever. 
And then you learned it when you

504
00:35:33,720 --> 00:35:34,800
were. 
Little to just shut up. 

505
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,120
It's like, all right. 
Whatever you say then. 

506
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:39,320
And good thing you say that 
right now. 

507
00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:45,080
It brought back memory of myself
where I think that's why growing

508
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,920
up my vocabulary wasn't till 
this day, it's it's getting 

509
00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:54,240
better but where I struggle to 
come up with a word because we 

510
00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:57,480
had no voice. 
Like I mean from what I can 

511
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:02,440
remember, this is my my what I 
can remember. 

512
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,880
I'm the oldest of five so each 
siblings experience is 

513
00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:10,520
different. 
But this is my experience where 

514
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:19,000
parents would be arguing. 
I don't recall any parent asking

515
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:25,840
how are you? 
Or like, I know my mom for sure 

516
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:30,240
didn't because she not that she 
was a bad mom, but because she 

517
00:36:30,240 --> 00:36:35,240
was so busy and like focused on 
trying to save her marriage and 

518
00:36:35,240 --> 00:36:39,640
take care of her kids where she 
didn't have she didn't know how 

519
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,200
to ask her kids. 
How are you? 

520
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,400
Are you guys doing? 
OK. 

521
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:48,840
So I had no voice. 
So that's why it's so hard for 

522
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:53,320
me to express certain feelings 
or have that vocabulary because 

523
00:36:54,400 --> 00:37:03,160
I felt like I had no voice. 
I mean, but yeah, I am back to 

524
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:07,960
what you said earlier about the,
you know, limiting or cutting 

525
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,120
contact if needed, you know, 
depending on everyone's 

526
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,960
individual situation. 
I mean, I can talk about my 

527
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:22,120
personal experience as well 
where, you know, a family 

528
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:25,880
member, you know, I have a few 
family members who doesn't, 

529
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:31,880
right, who like to drink. 
And it got to the point where 

530
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:35,680
this person couldn't control 
their drinking and it would get 

531
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:39,480
very weird during parties, 
gatherings. 

532
00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:52,920
Violent, not not violent, but 
like, no, I think it was more I 

533
00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:56,640
don't think it was violent 
because there was no like 

534
00:37:56,840 --> 00:38:00,520
hitting or fights. 
It was, I think it was more like

535
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:05,640
verbally fights. 
Yeah, but then the two 3:00 in 

536
00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:09,120
the morning calls of. 
No, that's another example. 

537
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:14,000
Yeah, but no, this person where 
they like to drink. 

538
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:21,320
So every time they would call me
at a certain time, past a 

539
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:26,000
certain time, I would get, I 
would see the the call come in 

540
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:30,600
in my phone and I would get 
anxious. 

541
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:38,040
It almost felt like PTSD because
I would get anxious, I didn't 

542
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,080
want to answer the phone. 
I would get a ugly feeling in 

543
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:43,760
the pit of my stomach and I'm 
like, I don't want to talk to 

544
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,800
this person. 
Seeing this person's name on the

545
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:53,320
caller ID like you said. 
And it was just, it was pretty 

546
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:58,520
bad during those years. 
And I decided to not answer the 

547
00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:01,960
calls because when I would right
away, you can tell this person 

548
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:06,440
was drinking and the 
conversation would just go South

549
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:10,400
really quick. 
And I would end up feeling 

550
00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:15,080
guilty, mad, angry, all the 
emotions. 

551
00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:19,160
And it got to the point where it
was affecting me mentally. 

552
00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:26,200
And I said, that's it. 
I can't keep, I don't have the 

553
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:33,280
mental capacity to keep 
answering this person's phone 

554
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:36,440
calls when they're drinking 
because I love them. 

555
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:39,000
They're such an awesome person 
when they're not drinking. 

556
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:44,280
I love this person to death, but
I can't deal with them when 

557
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:47,880
they're drinking. 
So in this example, I had to cut

558
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:51,440
them off or I would not answer 
their calls. 

559
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:58,600
If it was past five o'clock 
6:00, I couldn't answer their 

560
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:00,040
call. 
If it was important, they can 

561
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:03,120
leave me a voicemail. 
I would listen to the voicemail 

562
00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:06,000
and if I knew I'm not going to 
return your call that day, I'll 

563
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:11,400
call you the next morning. 
So it was hard, very hard. 

564
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:15,120
Because you know it, it's like 
you're thinking all these 

565
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:18,360
thoughts go through your head 
and you're like, are they OK? 

566
00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:23,240
Did an accident happen? 
Like, but I had to 'cause it 

567
00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:27,080
was, it was affecting me. 
So you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm 

568
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:28,840
being vulnerable. 
I'm saying these things cause 

569
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:32,480
guys, 'cause I know out there 
there's someone going through 

570
00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:39,560
the same thing and for your 
mental health, you have to cut 

571
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:44,600
or put these boundaries on some 
people. 

572
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:46,400
Whether they like it or not, 
right? 

573
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:53,000
Because your their reaction to 
your boundary, ladies and 

574
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,240
gentlemen, is not your 
responsibility. 

575
00:40:55,360 --> 00:41:00,200
Right. 
Like I I read this really sorry 

576
00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:06,760
I think it was or I heard it 
from a pod from the ex ex 

577
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:12,120
messenger where it was Lisa and 
John Bevere and I think they 

578
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:15,000
said cannot. 
You can now be responsible for 

579
00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:22,400
other others people's feelings. 
You can offer to help but not be

580
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:30,640
like they're. 
Like offered to help in the 

581
00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:34,880
sense of, umm, asking them how 
can I help you? 

582
00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:40,120
Not giving them options like, 
oh, I can do AB and C, you know,

583
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:45,160
it's like asking them directly, 
like how can I be of help so 

584
00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:49,800
that you're not enabling them. 
But yeah, it was, it was hard, 

585
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:53,680
but you have to. 
You have to, guys. 

586
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:58,720
When I'm I'm going to assume 
that everyone listening you've 

587
00:41:58,720 --> 00:42:05,120
been on a plane and every single
flight before the plane takes 

588
00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:10,640
off there is the airplane lady 
or what do you call them? 

589
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:16,000
The flight attendant, the flight
attendant's mega brain Fort, the

590
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:21,800
flight attendant explaining to 
you how to put on your mask if a

591
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:26,240
situation happens where the you 
know the plane has no oxygen and

592
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:29,520
you have to put masks on. 
Whose mask do they tell you to 

593
00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:33,040
put on 1st? 
Your kids, Your spouse? 

594
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:35,520
No, they tell you to put your 
mask on. 

595
00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:40,920
You have to be OK before you can
help anyone else because if you 

596
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:44,120
have no oxygen now you pass out 
and now you can't help your 

597
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:47,880
spouse and your kids, right? 
So same situation here. 

598
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:52,080
Why is the boundary important? 
Because you have to be OK. 

599
00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:55,800
If you are not OK, you're just 
going to bleed that onto your 

600
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:57,520
spouse and onto your children. 
Yep. 

601
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:01,880
Be over something that is not 
their fault and which isn't fair

602
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:04,760
for your marriage and for your 
family, you know? 

603
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:07,680
So that's why boundaries are so 
important, guys. 

604
00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:11,080
And yes, your voice matters. 
Yes, your emotions matter. 

605
00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:15,800
The I guarantee you 9 times out 
of 10, the people that you're 

606
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:18,600
setting boundaries with are not 
going to like it. 

607
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:22,760
And it's not your responsibility
that is their problem to deal 

608
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:25,560
with. 
But they don't get to control 

609
00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:28,920
your boundary by their berinche,
right? 

610
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:33,520
By their tantrum, right? 
What do you mean you can't come 

611
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:34,960
over when I want you to come 
over? 

612
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:37,520
What do you mean? 
You know, you're not going to be

613
00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:41,920
at the family function where, 
you know, Theo Juan is drunk off

614
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:45,040
his butt, making everybody 
uncomfortable and touching you 

615
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:48,240
and, you know, caressing your 
shoulders the way he does when 

616
00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:50,120
he's drunk. 
But he's your deal. 

617
00:43:50,120 --> 00:43:52,440
You know how he gets. 
He's just like that. 

618
00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:57,120
Just just put up with it, you 
know, because that's normal. 

619
00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:59,160
That's just the way he is. 
I love your voice. 

620
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:02,800
Oh, dude, Like, no, I'm not 
going. 

621
00:44:02,920 --> 00:44:04,160
Is he going to be there at the 
party? 

622
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,040
Well, yeah, of course. 
Then I'm not going. 

623
00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:07,440
Right. 
Period. 

624
00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:08,920
And I don't care who doesn't 
like it, right? 

625
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:13,360
And it got to, it got to that 
point, too, where we stopped 

626
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,840
going to family gatherings. 
Oh, yeah, because there was 

627
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:21,400
alcohol involved. 
And we have nothing against a 

628
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:27,040
cup of wine, a wine, a beer, 
right? 

629
00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:30,800
Like a glass of wine, a glass of
wine, a glass of wine. 

630
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:34,520
A big old cup. 
A slurp. 711 Slurp. 

631
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:37,560
No, no, like there's nothing 
wrong with that. 

632
00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:43,440
Now, if you're drinking to mask 
or to completely change your 

633
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:45,480
mind, then that's when it's 
wrong. 

634
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:47,920
Yeah, that's. 
When you're chasing to get 

635
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,360
drunk. 
Right, because you're masking 

636
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:54,880
something, right? 
Anyway, we stopped going to 

637
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:56,600
these gatherings because there 
was alcohol involved, right? 

638
00:44:57,880 --> 00:45:03,720
So yeah, guys, we had to. 
Ask like, is there going to be 

639
00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:05,120
alcohol at the event? 
Yes. 

640
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:08,360
Then we're not going, right? 
And it's not because of the 

641
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:10,720
alcohol. 
It's because of the specific 

642
00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:13,520
people that we're going to be 
there that cannot control their 

643
00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:17,160
alcohol consumption and the way 
they got made all of us feel 

644
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:20,200
uncomfortable. 
So because we can't control 

645
00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:23,400
them, we would rather just not 
be there. 

646
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:26,680
Right. 
And I believe right now that I 

647
00:45:26,720 --> 00:45:30,400
was saying before I got 
interrupted by our dog Peach, 

648
00:45:31,840 --> 00:45:37,400
but just kidding, we love her. 
It was very hard for me. 

649
00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:40,400
A lot of things are hard for me,
but not impossible. 

650
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:47,960
I'm just very emotional. 
So with these family gatherings,

651
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:54,240
family five with a bunch of 
nieces and nephews kitchen out 

652
00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:58,160
there is a your typical Mexican 
family you had We had parties 

653
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:01,160
every weekend, every single 
weekend. 

654
00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:03,880
We would get together for every 
holiday. 

655
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:07,840
So when we started putting those
boundaries and we stopped going 

656
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:14,480
to family gatherings, umm, Oh my
goodness, I cried. 

657
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:22,440
I would cry every night because 
I'm super close to my family and

658
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:29,800
when I said enough is enough and
I wanted to make sure that my 

659
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:37,080
kids didn't grow up thinking 
that that was OK and then for 

660
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:39,520
them to do the same thing with 
their future family. 

661
00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:45,480
I said no. 
Like you said earlier, it things

662
00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:51,240
were bleeding onto you guys, 
onto yourself unto unto our kids

663
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:55,880
and I, I put a stop. 
So yeah. 

664
00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:02,800
And I can tell you that the boys
and I are ever grateful for 

665
00:47:02,800 --> 00:47:05,880
that. 
And because I, especially me, 

666
00:47:05,880 --> 00:47:09,080
know as your husband, knowing 
how hard that was for you. 

667
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:13,320
Yeah. 
But the fact that you were able 

668
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:18,680
to finally put your foot down 
and have the courage to do that,

669
00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:20,160
that was amazing. 
Yeah. 

670
00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:25,000
Thank you. 
All right guys, there's some 

671
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,160
other examples that we have for 
you, but we want to get to the 

672
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:32,240
how to all. 
Right we are. 49 minutes in and 

673
00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:34,840
I feel like we haven't gotten to
the how to and I'm sorry. 

674
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:38,760
OK, so step one, set clear 
boundaries. 

675
00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:40,600
We talked about we're talking a 
lot about boundaries. 

676
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:43,440
So you have to decide what what 
is a boundary. 

677
00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:48,760
Very simple. 
Decide what is and what is not 

678
00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:52,240
OK for you. 
For example, do you need to stop

679
00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:53,960
accepting calls after a certain 
time? 

680
00:47:54,360 --> 00:47:57,120
Do you refuse to engage in 
screaming matches or guilt 

681
00:47:57,120 --> 00:47:59,480
trips? 
You have to be clear and 

682
00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:01,640
consistent. 
So remember the boundary. 

683
00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:05,320
When you set a boundary, you're 
not trying to control that 

684
00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:07,160
person. 
You're not telling that person, 

685
00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:10,160
if you do this, then I'm going 
to do this. 

686
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:13,400
No, because you can't. 
That that now you're trying to 

687
00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:17,040
manipulate them and that what 
their behavior is the boundary 

688
00:48:17,040 --> 00:48:20,080
is Look, for instance, so this 
is just an example. 

689
00:48:20,440 --> 00:48:27,120
Look, mom, I love you and I want
to spend time with you. 

690
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:35,520
However, if you are going to be 
drinking when we hang out, I 

691
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,360
don't like the way you get when 
you drink. 

692
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:40,280
Therefore, I am just going to 
leave. 

693
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:44,320
Yes. 
Yeah, and I did have that 

694
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:46,720
conversation. 
Thank you for understanding, 

695
00:48:46,720 --> 00:48:52,400
Mom, right. 
She's not going to like, all of 

696
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:57,960
a sudden you're so Santita and 
also all of a sudden you can't, 

697
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:02,320
you know, deal with a little jab
here and there and you can't 

698
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:04,760
deal like, all that is 
manipulation, guys. 

699
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:10,240
And they're, they're also going 
to say like going like now just 

700
00:49:10,240 --> 00:49:12,320
because you're Christian. 
Yeah, we're going to church or 

701
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:13,960
whatever. 
Yeah, like you're perfect. 

702
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,640
Now it's like, no. 
No, no one said that. 

703
00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:19,320
That's just a boundary. 
Right. 

704
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:23,520
It's, hey, look, if you want to 
drink, you go ahead and drink, 

705
00:49:24,080 --> 00:49:26,400
but I'm not going to be part of 
it, right? 

706
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:29,000
I see this simply. 
I'm not trying to control you. 

707
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:30,880
I'm not trying to tell you not 
to drink. 

708
00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:36,560
Hey, look, Mom, when I see you 
drink, it makes me feel XY and 

709
00:49:36,560 --> 00:49:36,920
Z. 
Yeah. 

710
00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:40,880
Therefore, I am choosing to no 
longer be a part of that. 

711
00:49:41,720 --> 00:49:45,960
So I will show up to a party. 
I will show up to Christmas. 

712
00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:48,160
I will show up to Thanksgiving. 
But the moment you start 

713
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:49,520
drinking, I'm out. 
Yeah. 

714
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:51,760
You can continue drinking 
without me. 

715
00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:54,640
That's OK, right? 
You don't have to stop your life

716
00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:57,000
for me. 
I'm just letting you know how I 

717
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:57,360
feel. 
Right? 

718
00:49:58,600 --> 00:49:59,920
That's a boundary. 
Yeah. 

719
00:50:00,720 --> 00:50:06,760
And just to add back like about 
what boundaries are, I heard 

720
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:10,840
with that boundaries are 
invisible, invisible property 

721
00:50:10,840 --> 00:50:16,720
lengths of our life. 
So like I also saw an example of

722
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:21,240
a couple and they each had a a 
hula hoop around them. 

723
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:29,840
So the boundary is like what is 
inside their hula hoop, whatever

724
00:50:29,840 --> 00:50:33,000
is on the other partners who 
hula hoop that's theirs. 

725
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:37,440
Like you can only control what's
inside of your hula hoop, Yeah. 

726
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:41,440
I like that. 
I mean not the best example 

727
00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:42,880
visually. 
But that's cool. 

728
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:46,640
That's cool, yeah. 
So set clear boundaries guys. 

729
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:56,680
You know if you have. 
If if a situation rises up, you 

730
00:50:56,680 --> 00:51:07,280
know with a family member that. 
They did something horrific to 

731
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:12,160
you, to your child, and you do 
not want to see that person 

732
00:51:12,880 --> 00:51:17,160
during your healing process. 
It is so valid for you to say. 

733
00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:22,520
I would love to go to. 
Aunt or, you know, to my niece 

734
00:51:23,120 --> 00:51:29,120
Titi's, you know, graduation or 
party or whatever question is so

735
00:51:29,120 --> 00:51:32,560
and so going to be there. 
Yes, they are going to be there.

736
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:35,120
OK, fantastic. 
Let me know how the party goes, 

737
00:51:35,120 --> 00:51:36,440
please. 
I do not want to be there. 

738
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:41,040
Oh, well, what are you saying? 
That I have to stop inviting 

739
00:51:41,040 --> 00:51:42,760
this person because of what 
happened to you? 

740
00:51:43,080 --> 00:51:46,560
No, you can invite them. 
I'm not telling you what to do. 

741
00:51:46,560 --> 00:51:48,480
Right. 
That's what a boundary is. 

742
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:54,080
Guys, I'm just letting you know 
what I am going to do or not do,

743
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:55,880
right? 
That's it. 

744
00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:59,040
That's what a boundary is and it
has to be crystal clear, 

745
00:51:59,920 --> 00:52:02,240
respectful. 
Like I'm, I'm respecting you. 

746
00:52:02,240 --> 00:52:06,400
I'm respecting me, right? 
So step number one, set clear 

747
00:52:06,400 --> 00:52:08,880
boundaries. 
Step #2 communicate those 

748
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:10,880
boundaries. 
You have to be firm. 

749
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,920
You have to be calm and without 
apology. 

750
00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:19,160
Try something like like what I 
told you with my mom. 

751
00:52:19,240 --> 00:52:21,600
So I typed this out. 
So forgive me. 

752
00:52:22,040 --> 00:52:24,560
I'm not OK with being spoken to 
like that. 

753
00:52:24,960 --> 00:52:29,440
If it happens again, I'm ending 
the conversation and then follow

754
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:32,720
through. 
The key guys is the follow 

755
00:52:32,720 --> 00:52:38,120
through because setting 
boundaries with toxic people 

756
00:52:38,400 --> 00:52:41,640
that are, that could be 
narcissistic, that could be 

757
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:43,440
manipulative, that could be 
controlling. 

758
00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:46,000
It's kind of like taking away 
their drug. 

759
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:48,320
It's kind of like taking away 
the beer from the alcoholic. 

760
00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:51,840
They're not going to like it. 
Like, wait a minute, you know, 

761
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:56,080
this phrase used to work on him 
or her all the time and it used 

762
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:58,880
to get them to turn around and 
come back in and do what I said,

763
00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:04,120
but now it's not working. 
The follow through has to be 

764
00:53:04,120 --> 00:53:06,320
key. 
They have to know that you're 

765
00:53:06,320 --> 00:53:08,480
for real. 
And again, you're not 

766
00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:11,040
disrespecting, you're not being 
whatever. 

767
00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:15,240
It's just, hey, I'm not OK with 
you talking to me like that. 

768
00:53:15,520 --> 00:53:18,560
If it happens again, I'm ending 
the conversation plain and 

769
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:23,720
simple. 
OK, step #3 expect pushbacks. 

770
00:53:23,720 --> 00:53:26,960
We already talked about that. 
But toxic people do not love 

771
00:53:26,960 --> 00:53:28,960
boundaries, guys. 
They're going to test them. 

772
00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:31,880
Guarantee you subconsciously, 
they're going to test. 

773
00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:33,360
They're going to give you their 
try. 

774
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:35,240
They're going to try to throw 
guilt trips at you. 

775
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:37,600
They're going to throw anger at 
you. 

776
00:53:37,600 --> 00:53:39,360
They're going to get explosive 
with you. 

777
00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:43,520
Because remember, controlling 
people that I know, a couple 

778
00:53:44,480 --> 00:53:55,240
that I, I pray for for them. 
This dude controls his wife with

779
00:53:55,240 --> 00:53:57,800
anger. 
He controls his family with 

780
00:53:57,800 --> 00:54:01,200
anger. 
If things don't go the way he 

781
00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:06,600
wants, boom, he turns on the 
anger switch so that people fall

782
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:10,240
in line like little soldiers and
do exactly what he wants. 

783
00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:13,360
And if you don't do what I want,
I'm going to get angry and I'm 

784
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:15,320
going to throw a fit and I'm 
going to yell and I'm going to 

785
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:19,280
explode to get them to submit to
my will. 

786
00:54:20,480 --> 00:54:24,400
Yeah, that's horrific. 
That's another conversation. 

787
00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:31,040
Anger, silent treatments. 
You know, it might get worse 

788
00:54:31,040 --> 00:54:33,600
before it gets better. 
No, it's gonna get worse before 

789
00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:35,680
it gets better, I'm telling you.
But it's OK. 

790
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:38,080
Stay grounded. 
If you're a Christian, you know,

791
00:54:38,080 --> 00:54:40,840
if you believe in God, obviously
pray on it. 

792
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:43,320
Pray for strength. 
Pray for peace. 

793
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:45,360
But I think that happened to us 
like last year. 

794
00:54:45,360 --> 00:54:49,760
No, I was like, holy moly, it 
got really bad. 

795
00:54:50,160 --> 00:54:53,240
Yeah, where it was like no 
parties with family. 

796
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:57,680
Yeah. 
I think it was really more for 

797
00:54:57,680 --> 00:55:01,280
myself. 
I feel like it was God, like, 

798
00:55:01,680 --> 00:55:06,120
Dang, I'm one of your strongest 
soldiers because it was one 

799
00:55:06,120 --> 00:55:08,040
after another thing. 
Yeah. 

800
00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:10,520
Like I think last year. 
I mean, I'm not trying to talk 

801
00:55:10,520 --> 00:55:13,600
about myself. 
It's just, again, I have a lot 

802
00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:18,360
of personal testimony because 
I've gone through a lot. 

803
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:21,720
People that are close to me can 
attest to that. 

804
00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:25,240
And I love you, yes. 
We can. 

805
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:29,240
And I love my husband too, but 
we love you too. 

806
00:55:30,720 --> 00:55:32,720
Yeah. 
It it, it's going. 

807
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:38,160
You'll make it, guys. 
You'll be like me next year. 

808
00:55:38,160 --> 00:55:41,400
And you're going to look back 
and be like, Dang, I'm so proud 

809
00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:45,920
of myself, of the person that I 
have become. 

810
00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:49,840
Yeah. 
Because I was able to recognize 

811
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:53,400
those red flags and recognize 
those those people that were 

812
00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:57,160
being toxic. 
And I put my foot down and I 

813
00:55:57,160 --> 00:56:00,760
started like, what art stuff? 
Talking about these steps. 

814
00:56:01,360 --> 00:56:03,960
So yeah. 
Yeah, here's a cool thing, guys.

815
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:09,040
When they, when the toxic people
in your life that this, that 

816
00:56:09,040 --> 00:56:11,840
you're, as we're talking about 
this stuff that they keep 

817
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:13,920
popping up in your head, this is
for you. 

818
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:18,600
If they do with the guilt, if 
they hit you with the guilt 

819
00:56:18,600 --> 00:56:20,640
trips, they hit you with anger, 
they hit you with the silent 

820
00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:22,840
treatments and all that stuff. 
Oh, I can't believe after all 

821
00:56:22,840 --> 00:56:23,760
we've done for you, blah, blah, 
blah. 

822
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:26,240
It's a sign that your boundaries
are working. 

823
00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:30,440
OK, sign. 
And then just pray for them that

824
00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:32,840
they actually change, that they 
actually get help, you know, 

825
00:56:32,840 --> 00:56:34,760
because no one wants to be 
around that forever. 

826
00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:39,320
Step #4 Limit or cut contact if 
needed. 

827
00:56:40,920 --> 00:56:44,680
So let me recap real quick. 
Step number one, set clear 

828
00:56:44,680 --> 00:56:46,880
boundaries. 
Step #2 communicate the 

829
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,400
boundaries. 
Step #3 expect some pushback. 

830
00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:54,920
Step #4 limit or cut contact if 
needed. 

831
00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:57,640
If the situation is hard enough 
to where it's required. 

832
00:56:58,280 --> 00:57:01,800
Sometimes guys, the healthiest 
move is distance. 

833
00:57:02,800 --> 00:57:07,000
Yes, this includes low contact 
and even zero contact. 

834
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:10,840
You get to decide what level of 
relationship is safe and 

835
00:57:10,840 --> 00:57:13,320
sustainable for you. 
You decided, guys. 

836
00:57:13,920 --> 00:57:16,800
You are the one that is setting 
the boundary. 

837
00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:21,960
You decide what level is safe 
and sustainable. 

838
00:57:22,560 --> 00:57:24,240
They don't get to decide for 
you. 

839
00:57:25,840 --> 00:57:30,200
If someone in your family hurt 
you, they don't get to tell you.

840
00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:33,080
Yeah, no, no. 
Yeah, Like, yeah, get over it. 

841
00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:36,360
Yeah, it happened, you know, 
Yeah, forget about it. 

842
00:57:36,360 --> 00:57:41,640
Like they do not get to say how 
long it takes you to heal. 

843
00:57:42,360 --> 00:57:44,200
They don't get to set that 
boundary for you guys. 

844
00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:46,680
It is you 100%. 
Matter of fact, if they're the 

845
00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:50,320
ones telling you that, that is a
bigger red flag that tells you 

846
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:53,400
that is not a relationship that 
you want in your life. 

847
00:57:55,800 --> 00:58:01,680
Step #5 finally do the bigger. 
Do the inner, do the inner work.

848
00:58:02,320 --> 00:58:05,200
Toxic family dynamics can mess 
with yourself worth. 

849
00:58:05,200 --> 00:58:08,760
Yep, especially if you grew up 
in it. 

850
00:58:08,760 --> 00:58:14,480
Guys, remember, if just the 
thought of setting a boundary 

851
00:58:14,480 --> 00:58:18,360
with your mom, with your dad, 
with someone you know, a family 

852
00:58:18,360 --> 00:58:21,680
member, if just the thought of 
it makes you anxious, makes you 

853
00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:24,400
get sweaty, makes you get 
nervous, like, Oh my gosh, that 

854
00:58:24,400 --> 00:58:29,120
would be so hard for me. 
There's a little you inside of 

855
00:58:29,120 --> 00:58:32,200
you. 
Little you is not healed. 

856
00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:36,920
Little you is still thinking, 
oh, but it's because I can't 

857
00:58:36,920 --> 00:58:39,920
because they're my parents, or I
can't because it's an authority 

858
00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:40,760
figure. 
It's my grandpa. 

859
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:42,880
Like the grandpa and grandpa 
raised me. 

860
00:58:42,880 --> 00:58:44,280
How am I going to ever do that 
to them? 

861
00:58:44,760 --> 00:58:45,480
Yeah. 
Borisitos. 

862
00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:48,600
It's like, no dude, it's, it's 
necessary. 

863
00:58:48,880 --> 00:58:51,200
Yeah. 
So what's inner work? 

864
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:56,040
Go to therapy, obviously church 
and pray and you know, find, 

865
00:58:56,520 --> 00:59:01,640
find a confidant, you know, a 
support group, even you know of 

866
00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:05,640
trauma survival. 
I don't know, whatever the CR, 

867
00:59:08,600 --> 00:59:11,320
CR celebrating recovery. 
Yeah, journaling. 

868
00:59:11,560 --> 00:59:16,120
I personally love journaling. 
I have my little book where I 

869
00:59:16,120 --> 00:59:19,360
feel like I'm talking to God and
I can I can journal. 

870
00:59:19,360 --> 00:59:20,840
And I'm like, hey, dear, hey, 
God. 

871
00:59:21,200 --> 00:59:24,000
I start every entry by Hey, God,
and then I just pour my heart 

872
00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:27,520
out on paper and it's so 
helpful. 

873
00:59:27,760 --> 00:59:38,400
Yeah, you know. 
I also wanted to add to the, the

874
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:43,360
doing the work, like you said, 
the going to church. 

875
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:51,440
I think that was very crucial 
for myself. 

876
00:59:51,440 --> 00:59:57,720
I mean, everybody's inner work 
is different, but we have a walk

877
00:59:57,720 --> 01:00:02,920
in closet and I would just when 
I was having like just those. 

878
01:00:04,000 --> 01:00:07,320
Dark moments, tough moments. 
I would just go to my closet, 

879
01:00:07,800 --> 01:00:10,600
sit there and just. 
Cry. 

880
01:00:11,680 --> 01:00:15,040
Listening to worship music I 
think was that's where it hits 

881
01:00:15,040 --> 01:00:18,680
me the most now worship is the 
best. 

882
01:00:19,080 --> 01:00:22,960
Like I feel like I connect to 
the Holy Spirit with music 

883
01:00:25,400 --> 01:00:28,520
anyway, which is biblical, 
right? 

884
01:00:29,160 --> 01:00:32,920
And I would listen to praise and
worship music in the closet, 

885
01:00:33,320 --> 01:00:39,200
crying my eyes out and the Holy 
Spirit would just touch me and I

886
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:44,200
would bawl even more. 
It's not running down my face, 

887
01:00:44,600 --> 01:00:47,320
my nose. 
But I wanted to share this 

888
01:00:48,040 --> 01:00:53,880
quote, Bible verse, Matthew 1128
really quick. 

889
01:00:54,640 --> 01:01:00,360
It says come to me, all of you 
who are weary and burned, and I 

890
01:01:00,360 --> 01:01:04,560
will give you rest. 
Take my yoke upon you and learn 

891
01:01:04,560 --> 01:01:08,080
from me, for I am gentle and 
humble in heart. 

892
01:01:08,600 --> 01:01:11,240
And you will find rest for your 
souls. 

893
01:01:11,840 --> 01:01:15,080
For my yoke is easy and my 
burden is light. 

894
01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:18,840
So what is Jesus? 
And it's in red letter. 

895
01:01:20,000 --> 01:01:24,320
This is Jesus like you. 
You go to him. 

896
01:01:24,320 --> 01:01:27,080
That's what he wants. 
He wants you to go with him when

897
01:01:27,080 --> 01:01:49,790
things are hard and. 
Sorry, 'cause I get emotional 

898
01:01:49,790 --> 01:01:57,510
'cause Dang, like if I my 
relationship with God with Jesus

899
01:01:57,510 --> 01:02:01,190
wasn't strong. 
And I know maybe some of you 

900
01:02:01,190 --> 01:02:08,920
guys listening, if your guys's 
relationship with your Savior 

901
01:02:08,920 --> 01:02:14,600
with Jesus Christ isn't tight, 
get tight with him guys, 'cause 

902
01:02:15,200 --> 01:02:18,880
he pulled me out of some dark 
moments. 

903
01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:29,880
I mean wow, this verse like 
really pulled out these 

904
01:02:29,880 --> 01:02:39,720
emotions, 'cause man, like you 
know if you're family is being 

905
01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:43,760
toxic or anyone that you're 
close with and it's hard for you

906
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:51,520
guys right now, like know that 
your Heavenly Father is perfect 

907
01:02:52,960 --> 01:02:57,600
and He created you in his image 
and he's there. 

908
01:02:58,640 --> 01:03:05,360
He hears you crying at night. 
He hears, He knows your 

909
01:03:05,360 --> 01:03:13,840
thoughts, so go to him guys. 
The fight is gonna be hard, but 

910
01:03:13,840 --> 01:03:20,800
don't give up because your 
future family will thank you for

911
01:03:20,800 --> 01:03:25,520
this future generations. 
Guys, if we want things to get 

912
01:03:25,520 --> 01:03:32,960
better at schools in the United 
States and the world, it has to 

913
01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:42,720
start with us. 
So, yeah, thank you. 

914
01:03:43,560 --> 01:03:44,960
Wow, thank you for sharing them 
all. 

915
01:03:45,240 --> 01:03:50,360
Thank you for listening to me, 
my Jesus talk. 

916
01:03:50,400 --> 01:03:55,600
Yeah, hey, one of my favorite 
songs is for God to love the 

917
01:03:55,600 --> 01:04:01,880
world by we the Kingdom. 
Come on you weary, come on, you 

918
01:04:01,880 --> 01:04:05,520
thirsty? 
Come to the well that never 

919
01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:06,320
runs. 
Try. 

920
01:04:06,880 --> 01:04:12,400
Jesus is waiting with open arms.
You know what went to now that 

921
01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:17,520
we're talking about music, 
Praise and worship Brandon Lake,

922
01:04:19,840 --> 01:04:24,280
his first songs? 
Don't Give Up on Me. 

923
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:26,200
Don't give, Yeah. 
Don't give up on me. 

924
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:32,440
Yeah. 
That one I feel like, you know, 

925
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:34,920
it's him singing to God, like 
don't give up on me. 

926
01:04:35,360 --> 01:04:40,680
But I when I first heard it, I 
felt like he was saying, like 

927
01:04:40,680 --> 01:04:44,000
God was telling him, don't give 
up on me. 

928
01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:50,240
Like no matter what you're going
through, keep going to me. 

929
01:04:50,440 --> 01:04:55,000
Yeah, that's how we took it. 
But sorry, guys, this went 

930
01:04:55,000 --> 01:04:56,480
somewhere else. 
But no, no, it's not. 

931
01:04:57,200 --> 01:05:01,080
Not sorry for Jesus. 
No, no, I mean never. 

932
01:05:01,600 --> 01:05:08,280
This he made this podcast. 100% 
I do want to address Mama one of

933
01:05:08,280 --> 01:05:15,920
the one of the last comments 
that one of our listeners asked 

934
01:05:15,920 --> 01:05:17,480
us to comment on. 
Yes. 

935
01:05:18,760 --> 01:05:23,080
So this person said they have 
aggressive parents that just 

936
01:05:23,080 --> 01:05:25,520
don't change and never accept 
that they're wrong. 

937
01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:26,960
They can't. 
They can't. 

938
01:05:27,040 --> 01:05:31,360
They constantly complain and are
angry and are in competition 

939
01:05:31,360 --> 01:05:35,000
with you and treating their 
spouse bad in front of you. 

940
01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:40,840
When I asked for clarification, 
they said in my case, my dad 

941
01:05:40,840 --> 01:05:44,160
treats my mom bad in front of 
you like in front of them. 

942
01:05:46,480 --> 01:05:50,720
OK, so here is what I would say 
to that dear listener. 

943
01:05:52,880 --> 01:05:55,200
Remember what I said at the 
beginning of the episode, Hurt 

944
01:05:55,200 --> 01:06:00,320
people hurt people. 
This is a Hispanic culture 

945
01:06:00,320 --> 01:06:07,920
background because this person's
Hispanic and almost always they 

946
01:06:09,360 --> 01:06:13,720
are also hurt children. 
There's little children inside 

947
01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:17,920
of them that were also hurt. 
Yeah. 

948
01:06:18,320 --> 01:06:22,680
But they never healed. 
Clearly if they are in 

949
01:06:22,680 --> 01:06:28,480
competition with you, that is 
very unhealthy and I'm sorry 

950
01:06:28,480 --> 01:06:32,520
that you're going through that. 
It is absolutely not healthy and

951
01:06:32,520 --> 01:06:35,640
it is not your responsibility to
make them stop. 

952
01:06:37,320 --> 01:06:39,040
Yeah. 
You cannot take that upon 

953
01:06:39,040 --> 01:06:42,000
yourself because that is not 
your burden to carry. 

954
01:06:42,520 --> 01:06:47,240
It is not your. 
You can't say it's my job to 

955
01:06:47,240 --> 01:06:50,080
make my mom and dad stop being 
in competition with me. 

956
01:06:51,160 --> 01:06:54,920
No, because that is a never 
ending battle. 

957
01:06:55,440 --> 01:06:57,200
Yeah. 
Because if they refuse to 

958
01:06:57,200 --> 01:06:59,640
change, you can't force them to 
change. 

959
01:07:00,160 --> 01:07:06,520
And I think also to add. 
Sorry, no, I think, I mean 

960
01:07:06,520 --> 01:07:09,880
there's more to the the the 
question, like we can dig deeper

961
01:07:09,880 --> 01:07:15,800
on that one. 
But I think you can start where 

962
01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:19,840
like putting boundaries. 
You know, if you as hard as it 

963
01:07:19,840 --> 01:07:24,760
is because you love your 
parents, they probably need to 

964
01:07:24,760 --> 01:07:27,280
see that change where you're 
putting those boundaries in 

965
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:29,480
your. 
You tell them like, you know, 

966
01:07:29,480 --> 01:07:36,360
what if this type of behavior is
going to keep happening during 

967
01:07:36,440 --> 01:07:42,080
family gatherings, for example, 
I'm not going to be around that.

968
01:07:42,080 --> 01:07:44,720
Like you said earlier, I'm not 
going to participate in that 

969
01:07:44,720 --> 01:07:48,600
environment. 
And once they start seeing that 

970
01:07:49,840 --> 01:07:54,920
change in you, they're going to 
be like, oh, oh, sorry, the 

971
01:07:54,920 --> 01:07:56,000
language. 
Oh, crap. 

972
01:07:56,000 --> 01:07:59,520
Like what are we doing? 
Like, we love our daughter and 

973
01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:04,640
let's make a change. 
So maybe it needs to start. 

974
01:08:04,640 --> 01:08:07,200
We're putting batters if you 
haven't already. 

975
01:08:07,360 --> 01:08:20,960
Yeah, realize that there there's
hurt little people inside of 

976
01:08:20,960 --> 01:08:25,240
them too, right? 
And it's not your job to fix 

977
01:08:25,240 --> 01:08:27,120
them. 
That's their work. 

978
01:08:27,800 --> 01:08:29,399
And it doesn't make it OK for 
them to be. 

979
01:08:29,520 --> 01:08:31,439
It does not make it OK. 
Absolutely not. 

980
01:08:31,439 --> 01:08:33,120
It does not justify them. 
Right. 

981
01:08:33,279 --> 01:08:34,760
They have to do their own work. 
Yeah. 

982
01:08:36,040 --> 01:08:40,240
And if it's affecting you in 
that manner, dear listener, here

983
01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:46,200
is how I would go about it. 
Y'all could hear Peach going at 

984
01:08:46,200 --> 01:08:49,800
it with the birds. 
There's a crow that teases my 

985
01:08:49,800 --> 01:08:55,439
Peach. 
OK, so in if I was in your 

986
01:08:55,439 --> 01:08:59,160
shoes, listener, and and this, 
this is how I would go about it.

987
01:08:59,279 --> 01:09:06,000
OK, if they constantly complain,
they're constantly angry, 

988
01:09:06,040 --> 01:09:10,640
they're constantly in 
competition with me and they're 

989
01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:15,800
mistreating each other in front 
of me as a grown adult, I would 

990
01:09:15,800 --> 01:09:22,560
say, dear mom, dear dad, I love 
you guys to death and I am 

991
01:09:22,600 --> 01:09:27,720
absolutely heartbroken and tired
of seeing you guys treat each 

992
01:09:27,720 --> 01:09:34,960
other this way going forward. 
If you if I see this behavior 

993
01:09:34,960 --> 01:09:39,840
again, I'm leaving because it 
breaks my heart. 

994
01:09:43,200 --> 01:09:45,240
If you guys start again, I'm 
leaving. 

995
01:09:45,720 --> 01:09:49,600
I'm not going to sit here and 
play lawyer. 

996
01:09:50,080 --> 01:09:52,479
I'm not going to sit here and 
play peacemaker, which is 

997
01:09:52,479 --> 01:09:56,440
probably the dynamic that used 
to happen where little you tried

998
01:09:56,440 --> 01:09:59,440
to no, no, mom and dad like 
makeup, kissing, makeup, come 

999
01:09:59,440 --> 01:10:03,720
on, which removed responsibility
from mom and dad. 

1000
01:10:05,920 --> 01:10:09,680
That's not your responsibility. 
So that's how I would handle it.

1001
01:10:10,200 --> 01:10:12,840
I would say it breaks my heart 
to see you guys like this. 

1002
01:10:13,200 --> 01:10:14,840
I am no longer going to accept 
it. 

1003
01:10:17,160 --> 01:10:20,680
So when you're ready to hang 
out, I would love to hang out. 

1004
01:10:20,760 --> 01:10:22,400
You're my parents. 
I love you guys. 

1005
01:10:22,680 --> 01:10:29,320
I would love to hang out, right?
And I love me and my spouse 

1006
01:10:30,120 --> 01:10:32,400
more, though now I'm a grown 
adult. 

1007
01:10:33,400 --> 01:10:35,440
So guess what? 
I'm not coming over anymore. 

1008
01:10:36,880 --> 01:10:40,120
If you want to see me, we're 
going to see each other at a 

1009
01:10:40,120 --> 01:10:44,920
restaurant where you can't flip,
you can't go crazy on each 

1010
01:10:44,920 --> 01:10:47,680
other, right? 
And that's the only place that 

1011
01:10:47,680 --> 01:10:50,280
we're going to see each other 
because it's the only place that

1012
01:10:50,280 --> 01:10:52,760
I feel safe. 
Did the listener I'm sorry, say 

1013
01:10:52,880 --> 01:10:57,840
that the the father was 
disrespectful to the mom? 

1014
01:10:57,960 --> 01:11:02,360
Or. 
OK, yeah, I mean, I would call 

1015
01:11:02,360 --> 01:11:06,880
him out on what he's doing 
respectfully and in a safe 

1016
01:11:07,240 --> 01:11:10,360
place. 
Maybe have someone else there 

1017
01:11:10,360 --> 01:11:14,600
with you that you can trust if 
the, you know, situation gets 

1018
01:11:15,080 --> 01:11:17,800
out of control. 
Be in a public pace and be like,

1019
01:11:17,800 --> 01:11:20,040
you know, all due respect, 
you're not going to speak to my 

1020
01:11:20,040 --> 01:11:22,880
mom like that because maybe it 
hasn't. 

1021
01:11:23,320 --> 01:11:27,240
No one has called him out. 
And yeah. 

1022
01:11:28,120 --> 01:11:30,040
Facts. 
Yeah. 

1023
01:11:30,040 --> 01:11:32,160
And I would also say, hey, mom, 
when are you? 

1024
01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:34,040
When are you going to put a stop
to that training? 

1025
01:11:34,040 --> 01:11:36,120
Why are you? 
Why are you still allowing it? 

1026
01:11:37,320 --> 01:11:38,440
Get some help. 
Yeah. 

1027
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:41,680
You know I can no longer stand 
and see this. 

1028
01:11:42,400 --> 01:11:44,640
Like you said, that behavior 
bleeds to the kids. 

1029
01:11:44,840 --> 01:11:47,160
It does. 
It does, and it does more harm 

1030
01:11:47,160 --> 01:11:51,800
than good, obviously, yeah. 
Now, if they're always 

1031
01:11:51,800 --> 01:11:55,200
complaining and they're angry 
and stuff, hey, look, again, I 

1032
01:11:55,200 --> 01:11:58,240
love you guys, but every time I 
come over, all you do is 

1033
01:11:58,240 --> 01:12:00,000
complain and you're always 
angry. 

1034
01:12:01,080 --> 01:12:05,600
Please call me when you're not. 
Yeah, please call me when we can

1035
01:12:05,600 --> 01:12:09,200
have a great conversation. 
And it'll be at a coffee shop. 

1036
01:12:09,200 --> 01:12:12,800
It'll be at a village inn. 
It'll be, you know, somewhere 

1037
01:12:12,800 --> 01:12:17,160
where you're not going to be 
flipping tables and, you know, 

1038
01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:20,320
going crazy because 
unfortunately, this is the only 

1039
01:12:20,440 --> 01:12:26,640
a public place is the only place
I feel safe with you if they're 

1040
01:12:26,640 --> 01:12:31,880
in competition with you. 
That one really is like a, it's 

1041
01:12:31,880 --> 01:12:33,840
really bugging me. 
Why are they in competition? 

1042
01:12:33,840 --> 01:12:36,320
I'm curious, like, why are they 
in competition? 

1043
01:12:38,880 --> 01:12:42,640
Here's the thing though. 
You cannot have a healthy 

1044
01:12:42,640 --> 01:12:45,160
conversation with an unhealthy 
person. 

1045
01:12:46,000 --> 01:12:49,000
And if you get curious because 
they're you're telling me that 

1046
01:12:49,000 --> 01:12:52,480
they're already angry, they 
might just flip it on you and 

1047
01:12:52,480 --> 01:12:53,840
get angry that you're even 
asking. 

1048
01:12:54,840 --> 01:13:00,720
So I would give that, I would 
turn that over to God and just 

1049
01:13:00,720 --> 01:13:04,440
set that boundary. 
Of it look why they're in 

1050
01:13:04,440 --> 01:13:07,480
competition with you. 
That's super toxic. 

1051
01:13:07,480 --> 01:13:10,440
That's super unhealthy. 
You're their child. 

1052
01:13:10,560 --> 01:13:12,280
Why? 
Why wouldn't? 

1053
01:13:13,440 --> 01:13:15,600
I would never be in a 
competition with my kids. 

1054
01:13:15,600 --> 01:13:20,040
I would want my kids to succeed 
10 * 100 times harder and better

1055
01:13:20,040 --> 01:13:23,600
than I ever did. 
I would be more proud than ever,

1056
01:13:23,600 --> 01:13:27,640
you know? 
And if they're not, man, I'm 

1057
01:13:27,640 --> 01:13:32,520
really sorry #1 and #2 it's not 
your job to, like, fix it, you 

1058
01:13:32,520 --> 01:13:37,480
know, give it to God for now and
pray that they end up doing the 

1059
01:13:37,480 --> 01:13:40,320
work so that you can have that 
conversation eventually. 

1060
01:13:40,640 --> 01:13:42,240
But right now I would give it to
God. 

1061
01:13:42,840 --> 01:13:45,720
Yeah. 
I hope that helps. 

1062
01:13:46,440 --> 01:13:50,920
Yeah, many of you want us to 
dissect it even more. 

1063
01:13:50,920 --> 01:13:54,320
Or clarification. 
Reach out, anyone. 

1064
01:13:54,320 --> 01:13:58,000
Please reach out to us. 
Reach out and send us Adm this 

1065
01:13:58,000 --> 01:14:01,880
specific listener, you have our 
number, so just hit us up Yeah, 

1066
01:14:01,880 --> 01:14:07,400
and we can have a coffee or 
something Yes. 

1067
01:14:07,400 --> 01:14:14,400
OK, so recapping, recapping 5 
steps. 

1068
01:14:14,600 --> 01:14:19,480
OK step number one, spot the 
toxicity. 

1069
01:14:22,720 --> 01:14:25,240
Sorry, step #1. 
Set. 

1070
01:14:25,240 --> 01:14:29,280
Clear boundaries #2 communicate 
the boundaries #3 you're going 

1071
01:14:29,280 --> 01:14:32,560
to get pushback and it's OK. 
It means that the bound, the 

1072
01:14:32,560 --> 01:14:37,120
boundaries are working #4 limit 
or cut contact if needed. 

1073
01:14:37,680 --> 01:14:40,920
If that's the only way to feel 
safe, that is OK. 

1074
01:14:41,000 --> 01:14:44,360
And that is if they don't like 
it, that's not your issue. 

1075
01:14:45,160 --> 01:14:48,720
And then do the inner work. 
Oh great point. 

1076
01:14:48,720 --> 01:14:52,640
What if you can't go no contact?
They live in the same house as 

1077
01:14:52,640 --> 01:14:55,800
you. 
A lot of people cutting contact 

1078
01:14:55,800 --> 01:14:58,520
isn't an option due to culture, 
finances, shared 

1079
01:14:58,520 --> 01:15:03,920
responsibilities. 
So in that case, here's a few 

1080
01:15:04,080 --> 01:15:07,680
tips. 
Stick to neutral topics, limit 

1081
01:15:08,000 --> 01:15:10,960
time spent together. 
Have an exit plan for difficult 

1082
01:15:10,960 --> 01:15:14,400
gatherings. 
Oh here's a new one that I 

1083
01:15:14,400 --> 01:15:16,360
heard. 
Use a grey rock method. 

1084
01:15:16,800 --> 01:15:21,480
That means being emotionally 
unreactive and don't feed their 

1085
01:15:21,480 --> 01:15:24,520
drama. 
Remember guys, these people, 

1086
01:15:24,520 --> 01:15:26,400
these toxic people love the 
drama. 

1087
01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:28,600
They love the show, they love 
the circus. 

1088
01:15:29,520 --> 01:15:32,680
Be a grey rock. 
Meaning do not react 

1089
01:15:32,680 --> 01:15:35,440
emotionally. 
You have to have a poker face of

1090
01:15:35,440 --> 01:15:38,480
like whatever because they're 
used to controlling you and 

1091
01:15:38,480 --> 01:15:41,840
manipulating and taking control 
of the things through emotion 

1092
01:15:41,840 --> 01:15:43,160
and anger. 
We already talked about that. 

1093
01:15:43,680 --> 01:15:47,800
Don't don't fall for it. 
Lastly, find emotional support 

1094
01:15:47,800 --> 01:15:51,240
somewhere, friends, a chosen 
family, someone that you choose 

1095
01:15:51,680 --> 01:15:55,320
and then a therapist. 
OK, you can't change them, but 

1096
01:15:55,320 --> 01:15:59,000
you can change how much access 
they have to you and your 

1097
01:15:59,000 --> 01:16:02,160
emotional energy. 
All right. 

1098
01:16:02,680 --> 01:16:04,680
So we're going to wrap it up 
here guys. 

1099
01:16:05,480 --> 01:16:07,000
Here's a message we want to 
leave you with. 

1100
01:16:07,400 --> 01:16:14,080
You're #1 The way they are is 
not your fault. 

1101
01:16:16,640 --> 01:16:19,240
The way they are is not your 
responsibility. 

1102
01:16:20,800 --> 01:16:24,560
You are not a bad person for 
protecting your peace. 

1103
01:16:26,720 --> 01:16:29,680
You are not greedy. 
You are not selfish. 

1104
01:16:29,960 --> 01:16:34,520
You are not self-centered. 
It is your peace and your peace 

1105
01:16:34,520 --> 01:16:36,920
alone. 
You're an adult. 

1106
01:16:36,920 --> 01:16:39,320
If you're married and have 
children, even if you don't have

1107
01:16:39,320 --> 01:16:42,560
children, that rubs off on the 
people that you live with. 

1108
01:16:42,560 --> 01:16:45,360
Yeah. 
So take control of it. 

1109
01:16:45,360 --> 01:16:47,800
You're not bad for protecting 
your peace. 

1110
01:16:48,200 --> 01:16:52,480
Do not feel guilty. 
Hispanic culture people do not 

1111
01:16:52,760 --> 01:16:55,600
feel guilty. 
Don't let them play the guilt 

1112
01:16:55,600 --> 01:16:59,400
trip on you, and if they do, 
that's just another flag that 

1113
01:16:59,400 --> 01:17:02,560
proves that you're right and in 
setting the boundary. 

1114
01:17:02,680 --> 01:17:05,480
And it's important that I'm glad
that you said that because 

1115
01:17:06,760 --> 01:17:13,400
again, that that's how I felt 
where you put those boundaries 

1116
01:17:13,400 --> 01:17:17,160
and you stop talking to this 
family member because you're 

1117
01:17:17,160 --> 01:17:19,200
protecting your pees, you're 
protecting your mental health. 

1118
01:17:19,760 --> 01:17:24,400
And then you start feeling the 
enemy knows where to get you. 

1119
01:17:24,400 --> 01:17:29,640
And there it starts telling you 
you're a bad daughter, you're a 

1120
01:17:29,640 --> 01:17:34,600
bad son, family member. 
Like you're supposed to be there

1121
01:17:34,600 --> 01:17:38,120
for your family member because 
they're your mom or they're your

1122
01:17:38,120 --> 01:17:42,880
dad. 
It's like, uh, just because I'm 

1123
01:17:42,880 --> 01:17:46,360
putting boundaries and 
protecting my peace doesn't mean

1124
01:17:46,360 --> 01:17:47,960
that I don't love them. 
Right. 

1125
01:17:48,520 --> 01:17:54,240
You love them, but from afar. 
Yeah, the movie Lejitos, I can 

1126
01:17:54,240 --> 01:17:57,080
still love you, right, And 
choose not to talk to you. 

1127
01:17:57,080 --> 01:17:58,720
Yeah. 
And that is on you. 

1128
01:17:58,720 --> 01:18:01,880
That's not on me. 
If you were healthy enough for 

1129
01:18:01,880 --> 01:18:05,000
me to want to be around you, we 
would have be having a whole 

1130
01:18:05,000 --> 01:18:06,520
different conversation. 
Yeah. 

1131
01:18:06,760 --> 01:18:10,200
But because you're not healthy 
and because you act certain ways

1132
01:18:10,200 --> 01:18:13,640
and you do certain things, I'm 
just choosing to not put up with

1133
01:18:13,640 --> 01:18:14,160
it no more. 
Yeah. 

1134
01:18:15,160 --> 01:18:16,680
And that's on you. 
That's not on me. 

1135
01:18:18,320 --> 01:18:20,160
But guess what? 
I don't have to put up with it 

1136
01:18:20,160 --> 01:18:26,680
because I am an adult, you know?
Remember guys, blood is thicker 

1137
01:18:26,680 --> 01:18:29,360
than water. 
No, throw that out the window. 

1138
01:18:30,000 --> 01:18:32,440
Just because their family 
doesn't mean they're entitled to

1139
01:18:32,480 --> 01:18:35,560
access. 
You're allowed to choose peace 

1140
01:18:35,560 --> 01:18:42,320
over obligation, healing over 
history, and boundaries over 

1141
01:18:42,320 --> 01:18:46,880
burnout. 
Family isn't just who you're 

1142
01:18:46,880 --> 01:18:52,840
born to, Family is who respects 
you, family is who shows up for 

1143
01:18:52,840 --> 01:18:57,400
you, family is who loves you 
well enough. 

1144
01:19:01,640 --> 01:19:08,880
OK now couple of oh I highly 
recommend if you guys are on 

1145
01:19:08,880 --> 01:19:14,040
Instagram follow this page 
called Family mind or Family 

1146
01:19:14,040 --> 01:19:17,040
mind. 
That's like family, like Fami 

1147
01:19:18,360 --> 01:19:19,760
mind. 
Under score. 

1148
01:19:20,280 --> 01:19:23,680
All together. 
Yeah, Quote in quotation marks. 

1149
01:19:23,720 --> 01:19:25,840
It's strange. 
Kids run from conflict. 

1150
01:19:26,240 --> 01:19:30,040
No, we ran from constant harm. 
Not a single disagreement. 

1151
01:19:30,720 --> 01:19:35,760
We tried to talk, Yeah, but we 
just got talked over, dismissed,

1152
01:19:35,760 --> 01:19:37,640
punished or emotionally 
blackmailed. 

1153
01:19:38,480 --> 01:19:41,480
We were raised to obey, not to 
express. 

1154
01:19:41,840 --> 01:19:45,960
The moment we spoke up, it was 
seen as disrespect, not healing.

1155
01:19:47,320 --> 01:19:51,800
Remember guys, Hispanics, if you
speak up, if they automatically 

1156
01:19:51,800 --> 01:19:53,960
see it as disrespect, that is 
not OK. 

1157
01:19:55,680 --> 01:20:00,000
When we said this, when you, 
when, when we said, hey, this 

1158
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:03,320
hurt me. 
All they heard was you're a bad 

1159
01:20:03,320 --> 01:20:06,120
person. 
So the conversation never left 

1160
01:20:06,120 --> 01:20:08,240
the even the IT didn't even 
leave the starting line. 

1161
01:20:08,720 --> 01:20:12,200
They felt attacked by our pain 
instead of realizing they were 

1162
01:20:12,200 --> 01:20:16,280
being asked to grow. 
Back to our listener about the 

1163
01:20:16,480 --> 01:20:19,200
parents disrespecting each other
and being in competition with 

1164
01:20:19,200 --> 01:20:21,800
you. 
If they feel attacked by your 

1165
01:20:21,800 --> 01:20:29,640
pain, that is their issue, not 
yours. 

1166
01:20:30,760 --> 01:20:33,440
They need to realize that you're
asking, you're asking them to 

1167
01:20:33,440 --> 01:20:35,040
grow. 
All right. 

1168
01:20:37,200 --> 01:20:40,560
We were told to stop being 
dramatic, too sensitive and 

1169
01:20:40,560 --> 01:20:42,920
ungrateful. 
That's not communication, that's

1170
01:20:42,920 --> 01:20:45,520
emotionally erasure. 
We didn't run away from 

1171
01:20:45,520 --> 01:20:46,960
conflict. 
We walked away from 

1172
01:20:46,960 --> 01:20:49,240
conversations that only ended 
with our guilt. 

1173
01:20:49,920 --> 01:20:55,320
They say we were the ones to cut
them off, but the truth is we 

1174
01:20:55,320 --> 01:20:58,840
cut off the cycle, the silence 
and the gaslighting. 

1175
01:20:59,800 --> 01:21:02,320
Some families don't know what 
respect looks like without 

1176
01:21:02,320 --> 01:21:06,120
control, so when we set 
boundaries, they saw it as 

1177
01:21:06,120 --> 01:21:09,120
rebellion. 
That is not your responsibility,

1178
01:21:09,120 --> 01:21:13,000
guys. 
Finally we didn't walk away 

1179
01:21:13,000 --> 01:21:16,000
because we didn't care. 
We walked away because we 

1180
01:21:16,000 --> 01:21:21,480
finally did for us again, we 
didn't walk away. 

1181
01:21:21,680 --> 01:21:23,800
We didn't walk away because we 
didn't care. 

1182
01:21:24,880 --> 01:21:29,720
We walked away because we 
finally did for us. 

1183
01:21:30,680 --> 01:21:33,400
That's why we walked away 
because we finally cared Makes 

1184
01:21:33,400 --> 01:21:36,760
sense Super good man. 
There's so much more to share 

1185
01:21:36,760 --> 01:21:40,440
with you guys, but man, it's 
this was supposed to be a quick 

1186
01:21:40,440 --> 01:21:43,680
how to. 
Hey, I mean there's no such 

1187
01:21:43,680 --> 01:21:46,200
thing as quick how to, 
especially with the stuff. 

1188
01:21:46,440 --> 01:21:49,360
Yeah, this is a tough topic. 
Man, yeah. 

1189
01:21:50,800 --> 01:21:52,800
So don't be afraid to set 
boundaries. 

1190
01:21:52,800 --> 01:21:56,320
Guys. 
Remember, remember, remember it 

1191
01:21:56,320 --> 01:21:59,920
is how they feel is not your 
responsibility. 

1192
01:22:00,200 --> 01:22:04,680
Choose peace over obligation. 
Just because of your family does

1193
01:22:04,680 --> 01:22:09,680
not obligate you to be there 
whenever they snap their 

1194
01:22:09,680 --> 01:22:12,000
fingers. 
You have a life, you have a 

1195
01:22:12,000 --> 01:22:15,560
family and you have emotions and
you have a voice and you have 

1196
01:22:15,560 --> 01:22:19,800
responsibilities. 
It's OK to say what you need to 

1197
01:22:19,800 --> 01:22:20,160
say. 
Yep. 

1198
01:22:20,760 --> 01:22:23,400
Lovingly, Yep. 
But say what you need to say and

1199
01:22:23,400 --> 01:22:26,720
if they are not OK with it, 
again, that is their issue, not 

1200
01:22:26,720 --> 01:22:27,120
yours. 
Yep. 

1201
01:22:28,480 --> 01:22:32,440
Oof, that sounded really good. 
I don't know. 

1202
01:22:33,280 --> 01:22:36,080
I love you, Mama. 
Thank you for opening your 

1203
01:22:36,080 --> 01:22:38,280
heart, that was amazing man. 
Thank you. 

1204
01:22:40,200 --> 01:22:43,760
And we love you all. 
Shoot us at the end with your 

1205
01:22:43,760 --> 01:22:45,840
thoughts. 
Leave a comment in the. 

1206
01:22:47,400 --> 01:22:50,600
Please. 
In the in the episode, in the 

1207
01:22:50,600 --> 01:22:53,680
show notes, whatever. 
Share, subscribe, do what you 

1208
01:22:53,680 --> 01:22:55,640
got to do. 
Yeah, man, if, if, if you know 

1209
01:22:55,640 --> 01:22:59,400
somebody that could use this, 
shoot it out to them. 

1210
01:22:59,520 --> 01:23:03,720
Yes, share it with them. 
Yes, yes, guys, we want to be 

1211
01:23:03,720 --> 01:23:09,480
listen, not to brag or anything,
but we want to be the lights 

1212
01:23:09,480 --> 01:23:17,560
then in every household like 
times are dark and we got to be 

1213
01:23:17,560 --> 01:23:19,160
the light. 
So share. 

1214
01:23:20,960 --> 01:23:23,480
Thank you guys. 
Love you all, have a great 

1215
01:23:23,480 --> 01:23:24,960
night. 
Have a great day, bye.