1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:04,200 Right, we're having a hard time with technology this morning, 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:07,520 but let's have a go. Mercury is in the microwave. 3 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:10,800 It has been like absolute hell trying to get us all here. 4 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,720 Fingers crossed this record. Fingers crossed it works. 5 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:17,240 Let's see. I am joined today by some of the 6 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:20,920 core team members that are busting a gut behind the scenes 7 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:26,320 to make ADHDF Plus charity work. There's a lot of work goes into 8 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,840 this alongside all of our fantastic volunteer facilitators 9 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:32,960 who run the groups and we've got some new ones coming up very 10 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,160 soon. The core team behind the scenes 11 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:39,800 alongside the chair is of course our Kim Peer Point, who is the 12 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,360 treasurer. Hello, we've got Kate who is the 13 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,600 group coordinator. Morning. 14 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,600 And we have Ruth who is tech support. 15 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,920 Kate and Ruth are both facilitators. 16 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,040 Kate is the facilitator of the Bristol group and Ruth is the 17 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,880 facilitator of the London Monthly peer support group. 18 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:02,840 So if anybody hasn't listened to this podcast before, it began as 19 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,040 just a chat about late discovered ADHD. 20 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,280 So many people came along for the ride and got so much from it 21 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:14,160 and a community was born behind the scenes online and some live 22 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,280 events. And all of that led to creating 23 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,120 a charity which is called ADHD AF Plus. 24 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:23,640 And we have peer support groups to connect and empower ADHD 25 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,160 adults have marginalized genders in Scotland, England and very 26 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,640 soon to be Wales in the new year. 27 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:33,360 So alongside all sorts of different episodes of ADHDAFI, 28 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,760 do a monthly one which introduces the topic of the 29 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,760 coming months peer support group, because all of the groups 30 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:43,200 have the same outline of what we're going to talk about that 31 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,760 month and some takeaways for that month. 32 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:50,880 So as we know we are at the end of this of November, Christmas 33 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:55,560 is most definitely coming. So December's group topic is 34 00:01:55,560 --> 00:02:02,160 called ADHD Christmas SOS, and that is because Christmas can be 35 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:05,200 incredibly challenging. There's a lot of pressure on our 36 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,320 time, on our finances, our personal relationships, 37 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:12,800 calendars, mental health, et cetera, and especially so if you 38 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,320 have ADHD. So as somebody who really likes 39 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,920 to party, really likes to celebrate life, and likes to get 40 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,520 together with people in real life, I absolutely love 41 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,720 Christmas usually. And I've joked in the past that 42 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,880 I am Christmas because I'm just ready for it. 43 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,440 I'm gonna throw a do, I'm gonna eat all the food, I'm gonna put 44 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,120 on all the tunes. And the Christmas tree lights 45 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,760 are always set to rave mode in my house. 46 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,920 But as I started along with the community, I realised the 47 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:44,720 different challenges that so many of us face because of our 48 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,440 ADHD. And actually, before that, as 49 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,720 ever, I didn't really know I had it until I came into this space. 50 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,840 So I just thought that the things that I struggled with 51 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,680 were my personal failings as per usual, as opposed to actually 52 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,480 seeing it through the lens of how ADHD can bring different 53 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,440 challenges to literally any moment of our lives. 54 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:05,600 When I realised that so many of us struggle with so many of the 55 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,440 same things or in different, different guises around 56 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:14,560 Christmas, I created a Christmas tour which was I believe 2023. 57 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:19,160 I toured around some shows in Scotland and England doing a 58 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:23,760 show that I ridiculously named an ADHD Christmas Laura with 59 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:27,760 Carol crossed out because it had a ridiculous adaptation of 60 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,360 Christmas Carol at the end of it. 61 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,280 But I went around to bring people together at Christmas to 62 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,120 create perhaps the only Christmas party that they could 63 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,960 definitely unmask at and make people people know that they 64 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,280 weren't alone in their local areas and to discuss these 65 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,000 things. So that if they felt that 66 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,640 Christmas was a struggle for them, they would know they 67 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,800 weren't alone in it. But they would also stop blaming 68 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,560 themselves like I did for the things that they struggled with. 69 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,800 And I must say, I have actually managed to get that up on the 70 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,440 Emporium. So if anybody missed the 71 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:59,640 Christmas tour of a couple of years ago, you can buy that on 72 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,560 ADA. Well, it's the London show, 73 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,720 which is always one of my favorite shows. 74 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:08,160 And there's cameos from James Brown, Abigail and J adulting 75 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:13,320 ADHD, Rachel Doe and Hannah Huxford's and all sorts of 76 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,000 people and our Kim, you have a cameo on that one, I think. 77 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:20,040 And Nicole Nadler, of course. So it's a, it's an All Star cast 78 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,680 of absolute ridiculousness with us talking about Christmas. 79 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,600 So you can go and buy that. And 5 lbs from every copy will 80 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,000 be donated directly to the charity to help fund our in 81 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,720 person peer support groups. Woohoo. 82 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:36,040 So I'm literally using the framework of that show to 83 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,200 conduct this. Ridiculous episode. 84 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:41,080 So there are different categories that it's broken 85 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,800 into. So it's not a game of bingo here 86 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,120 today, but we are going to reflect on those. 87 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,720 And I would love all of you to kind of give me your take on 88 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:53,600 each of those categories and how it impacts you and any hints, 89 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,560 tips, takeaways. Just as we do in the Pierce of 90 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,320 Hope, we're giving people who wherever you are in the world to 91 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,920 have a flavour of what it's like. 92 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,120 It's actually much more structured than this because I'm 93 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:08,880 absolutely knackered today, but this is what it feels like. 94 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,240 So you can get a feel for it. And if you can't attend one, at 95 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,120 least you can have some of the information from it. 96 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,720 And if you can attend one, we would love you to come along. 97 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,000 So we have got peer support groups all over the place. 98 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:23,240 And you can find out where your local 1 is by heading to the 99 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,720 show notes, where you will find a link to the charity website 100 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,120 with all of the information about all of the groups. 101 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,360 And if you cannot find one in your local area, it is only 102 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,640 because nobody has applied to set one up yet. 103 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:39,320 So you can apply to volunteer to start your own and we would love 104 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,520 to hear from you and you can volunteer your time in any way. 105 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,600 Without further ado, I would like to tell you why I've got 106 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,120 this tied around my neck for those that are watching. 107 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:51,240 I have been bitten right in the centre of my neck by a mosquito 108 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,280 and it's absolutely huge and it looks disgusting. 109 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,920 Your exes are here, here and here. 110 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:59,040 I've also got on a very festive top which they found in a box 111 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,920 when I was decorating, but I realised that actually has a 112 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,600 massive split down the side of it. 113 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:07,400 That's right, that's in a box and not in my wardrobe, so here 114 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,800 we are. That's like a crunch. 115 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:15,400 Close the armpit. I also, I did come festive, 116 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,680 which is ironic because one of my things which I'm sure we will 117 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,440 cover is that I often feel like the Grinch. 118 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,400 I do feel appropriate in black, like you said, come like, you 119 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,480 know what I mean? It's the it's the kind of 120 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:31,680 walking contradiction thing. If anybody is a complete Grinch, 121 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,960 I've got just the episode for you as well because a couple of 122 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:38,560 years ago I actually spoke to Mrs. Audi HD about it and that 123 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,440 episode is called Fuck Christmas with Mrs. Audi 80. 124 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,560 And that one's for you actually. I would love to know how do you 125 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,720 feel about Christmas? I know, Kate, you're a Grinch. 126 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,960 Well, I'm actually not. There are bits of Christmas that 127 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,680 I do enjoy. For me personally, I'm a lot 128 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,280 more emotionally dysregulated. So in my head, I guess that's 129 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,560 why you would. Then in a simplified way, you 130 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,040 think, oh, I'm just being miserable or everyone's happy 131 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,360 and I feel sad. There are bits that I like. 132 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,120 But yeah, I think now, now we know which obviously we'll cover 133 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,440 in this episode a bit more about why we are the way we are. 134 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,720 It's just that it's layered. Absolutely 100% Kim, what about 135 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,960 you? Well, I don't know what the Half 136 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:20,160 Misses Christmas and half misses Grinch is called, so I sit right 137 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,800 in the middle. I love the Christmas parties. 138 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,240 I love all the social stuff. I cannot stand Christmas 139 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,520 earrings. I don't own a Christmas jumper. 140 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,080 I'm 54. I've had four Christmas trees 141 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,440 since I left home because I don't like Christmas trees, but 142 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,560 I do like Christmas decorations. We have no children and we very 143 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,280 often don't entertain. So there is that other side of 144 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,040 it. I hate Christmas Day. 145 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:45,640 I'm variably, I'm crying at some sort of dinner table because 146 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,080 somebody in the family, whether it's my family or my in laws, 147 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,720 has done something that has ruined the idealistic thing I 148 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,360 have in my head. The last three Christmases we've 149 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,280 had at home, just the two of us, we haven't been well for the 150 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,680 last three years. So we've avoided seeing people 151 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:04,400 and they have been the best 3 Christmases. 152 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,200 Well, that is something. What about you, Ru? 153 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,960 You're the only one out of the three of us that has has little 154 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,320 one the. Christmas is stressful, but I do 155 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,240 kind of like it. I've I've got better over the 156 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:22,600 last couple of years. Funnily enough, that's in line 157 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:27,640 with me realizing I've got ADHD. I worry less about doing the 158 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:31,960 things that you're meant to be doing and just doing what 159 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,919 actually works with our family. Right. 160 00:08:35,919 --> 00:08:39,679 So we're going to start off with the Big 1 and I think really, 161 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:42,320 you know, in the last group session, although we did kind of 162 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,320 angle it towards Christmas, we focus more on that ADHD taxes in 163 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:51,040 the financial tax and ADHD tax can mean all sorts of things, 164 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,360 emotional tax within relationships, all, all sorts of 165 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,560 stuff. And I think time and time again, 166 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,920 the thing that I've had the most that people struggle with at 167 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,920 Christmas is actually over committing. 168 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:06,800 And in part that will be due to our impulsivity. 169 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,560 As we all know, I'm literally the worst person at managing a 170 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,120 calendar. So obviously that can lead to 171 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,680 double booking, whatever else, all the rest of it, and just 172 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,560 overwhelm and actually getting so caught up in the joy of 173 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:22,760 Christmas or the expectations of others, etcetera, that we're 174 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,080 saying yes to things without realizing we're going to be a 175 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,480 bit tired or a bit skin, etcetera. 176 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:31,640 So over committing people with ADHD are often more impulsive 177 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,800 than neurotypicals and that is due to dopamine seeking 178 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,560 behaviors and a lack of premeditation or thoughtful 179 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,800 planning. The simple definition of 180 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:44,040 impulsivity is speaking, behaving, or making choices 181 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,400 without taking the time to consider the consequences of our 182 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:51,320 actions. Now, working memory is a part of 183 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,280 our short term memory that allows us to retain recent 184 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:58,440 information for ongoing tasks. Impaired working memory can have 185 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,280 a negative effect on organizational skills, making it 186 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,920 difficult to plan and follow through on actions towards a 187 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,640 specific goal. The cognitive effects of ADHD 188 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,560 can cause us to have trouble scheduling calendars. 189 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:15,840 As I said, we've talked a lot and I will continue to talk a 190 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,160 lot about RSD on this podcast because it is literally my 191 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,320 nemesis. So rejection sensitive 192 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,400 dysphoria, or as we prefer to call them, really shit 193 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:29,760 daydreams. But that can play a big hand in 194 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:35,000 why we over commit as well. So experiencing this intense or 195 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,080 overwhelming emotional sensitivity to criticism or 196 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,920 rejection. And as ever, that's either 197 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:45,400 actual or perceived, so it doesn't have to. 198 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,080 It might not have happened, it might never happen, but we're 199 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,440 already not just fearing rejection, but almost feeling 200 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,240 like it has already happened. It's so inevitable that this is 201 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,000 what is actually already happening now. 202 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,880 As I've said before, it's similar to paranoia with some of 203 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,520 us experiencing it as a physical pain. 204 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,360 So over committing. Discuss. 205 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,320 I would like to wear the crown of that, but I suspect there's 206 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:11,720 quite a lot of contenders. I think you probably deserve it. 207 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,160 No, I think you do deserve it, actually. 208 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,400 If I can be there, I will. If I can say yes, I will. 209 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,440 But over the recent years, I've realized that sometimes I need 210 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:24,680 to say I can't or I shouldn't. However, I'm actually busy every 211 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,080 weekend until Christmas now, and I do get very excited. 212 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:31,480 I say that's why I'm stuck halfway between Grinch and 213 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:35,480 Santa, because I I will want to be at everything and then 214 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,520 variably, That's why I'm not well, Christmas Day. 215 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,080 And when you're in the depths of it, like really in the thick of 216 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:44,160 it and you've got back-to-back whatever, obviously that that 217 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,960 kind of burnout illness is coming for you at the end. 218 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,560 But whilst you're in the midst of it, do you feel it or can 219 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,160 you, or just so caught up in it and running, running, running 220 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,120 that you don't see it coming? Just running on adrenaline. 221 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,840 And what happened last year was I ended up with shingles. 222 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:02,360 And that was really interesting because that although I'm not 223 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,800 suffering with shingles anymore, and this year's we've been a few 224 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,800 stressy weeks and even in these last couple of weeks, so I had 225 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:12,640 shingles on my right side. And even in these last couple of 226 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,480 weeks, that area has been inflamed again. 227 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,640 So it's for me now has become a bit of an indicator of where I 228 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,240 am burning out or stressing out. Because once I don't have 229 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:28,720 shingles, this particular nervy area on my right side is really 230 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,920 tender right now because I've just gone through two weeks of 231 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:35,520 really high stressy times. And I think that's been a 232 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:39,800 really, yeah, unfortunate but good indicator of how I'm. 233 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,680 Yeah, it's almost been like a bit like a thermometer this year 234 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,600 that I've been able to know where I am because these 235 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:49,880 shingles, I keep meaning to check up, but I keep forgetting 236 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:53,200 to see whether or not it can just lie dormant there and 237 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,680 whether it just comes up and down. 238 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,120 So I run in adrenaline. I literally run right to the 239 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:01,680 last minute as much as I can as as long as I can so. 240 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:05,720 Now that you have got a tender right hand side, are you going 241 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,080 to do less this Christmas or are you just going to ride it all 242 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:13,640 the way into the ground or I what are you doing it on purpose 243 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,920 so that you get to have another Christmas alone? 244 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,280 Well, you know, I do this thing called yoga and I teach people 245 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:25,000 how to relax, so I just going to take some of my own medicine 246 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,360 you're. Going to practice what you 247 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:27,920 preach. Wow. 248 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:33,120 It's a hard pill to swallow. What about you, Kate? 249 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:36,280 You know what, I used to be a huge overcommitter. 250 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,760 Some of that also was because I didn't love being in my own 251 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,880 company. I was like, as in a confidence 252 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,080 thing as well. And I used to end up burning out 253 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,840 because I used to work at Christmas in retail, which is 254 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,560 always really hectic. Your days off were minimal. 255 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,600 I wanted to almost make the most of them, so I didn't feel like 256 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,360 it was just easy work. Repeat. 257 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,960 Yeah, I would. I would be exhausted. 258 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,480 In the last few years, my world and my life has slightly slowed 259 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:04,320 down, to be honest, with all the revelations of the ADHD and you 260 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,480 know, kind of the stuff that we've we've learned. 261 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:12,200 I think I'm finally at 40 getting better at knowing what I 262 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:17,000 need and dare I say, want. I also have realized that 263 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:22,200 actually I need to kind of try and get back a single balance 264 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,920 because actually I am better, happier version of myself when I 265 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,760 do things. Therefore the people people 266 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,320 around me get a better version of me. 267 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,160 For example, last year when they say there was a couple of things 268 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:37,120 that I had agreed to, I almost knew as as I was agreeing to 269 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,120 them. I was at that little voice been 270 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:43,880 I think this is Susan too much, but I went with it because of 271 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,880 the ingrained people pleasing. But for my whole life, the over 272 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:50,960 committing came less from me from a dopamine impulsivity 273 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,480 thing and more just to shape shift and compete, stay safe and 274 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,920 keep everyone happy around me. And so I think when that little 275 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:02,120 voice was saying, Are you sure? When I did end up exhausted and 276 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,520 burn out and stuff like that, emotionally I was more annoyed 277 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:10,640 in myself because I had actually ignored that that voice whereas 278 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,600 previously I do. I didn't know that was there. 279 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:19,040 This year I feel a lot more confident on knowing what I can 280 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,920 and can't do and actually being able to communicate that. 281 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,680 Like for example, a really good friends of mine, we have been 282 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,080 saying fragers about doing a Curry night. 283 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,760 I definitely last year would have done that Thursday night 284 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,880 even they might have been exhausted, not really had the 285 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,640 capacity. Whereas this time I looked and I 286 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,880 was like, could we please do this in the new year because I 287 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,720 will be under such better form. My friend was like yeah of. 288 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,600 Course. When we are so ingrained with 289 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,040 RSD, we can preempt that something is going to happen. 290 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,400 Actually, it's it's not. That's really amazing. 291 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,320 That's so amazing. One thing that you said that was 292 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,600 really, really interesting and I'm so glad I remembered it. 293 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,160 I crossed my fingers and everything was about people 294 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,440 pleasing. You said a perfect thing to 295 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:05,600 convey to any listeners that are stuck in that people pleasing 296 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,320 trap of like, oh, well, I have to do this or they're going to 297 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,760 think I'm a ship friend or I've already said I would, so I can't 298 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,440 come out of it now. And all of that stuff you also 299 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:20,200 said, I realize that I need to be well to be the best version 300 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,440 of myself for everybody else in my life. 301 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,560 If we can take that people pleasing and worrying that we're 302 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,880 going to upset people or let people down and all the rest of 303 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,640 it, If we can flip that around and say, well, actually, and I'm 304 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,320 going to just preface this for something else. 305 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:38,240 I quite often really struggle to put myself 1st. 306 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,640 And so sometimes the hack that I have, because I still haven't 307 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,720 overcome it, that will be my life's work and it will be daily 308 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,160 work. And that's sometimes hourly 309 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:49,680 work. But if I really, really can't, 310 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,200 then I reframe it as actually I'm doing this thing for 311 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,320 somebody else, even if it is for me. 312 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,600 And that's the lens through which I look at it, is that 313 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:01,280 actually, if I'm going to be this people pleaser, realizing 314 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,520 that I have to actually be well enough to go. 315 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:08,280 And if I'm exhausted, my emotional dysregulation is so 316 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:12,560 bad, my RSD is so bad that that could even cause conflict that's 317 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,599 going to cause upset. That's going to cause me to be 318 00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:17,319 crying. So actually, the best thing you 319 00:17:17,319 --> 00:17:21,480 can do for anybody else is to look after yourself. 320 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,760 Ruth, what about you? My lovely talk to me over 321 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,119 committing. I see this. 322 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:26,599 I'm always like, Ruth, should we do this? 323 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,079 Ruth, should we do that? And you're like, yeah, it's 324 00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:31,480 like, I'll wait to hear this answer. 325 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:38,320 Go on, Ruth. Coming from you, obviously I've 326 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:43,520 had kids for quite a while now, so I've not had the freedom to 327 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:47,080 necessarily go out every night for a really, really long time. 328 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,880 And I just interject, we do not go out every night. 329 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,480 It's not 2007 and I'm not in a visa. 330 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,600 Carry on. No, I know we don't. 331 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,040 We. Really don't. 332 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,920 I think for me, over committing is less about that sort of 333 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:05,640 thing. It's more about kind of saying 334 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:12,760 yes to people's troubles. Maybe sometimes when there's 335 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:16,560 lots going on anyway and you're like, yes, of course I can come 336 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,640 and help you do that because you're like, oh, they're going 337 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,560 through such a bad time, I have to go and help them. 338 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,800 Yeah, they need me and. And especially because Andy's 339 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,720 Christmas and they're having a hard time. 340 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,960 Yeah, exactly. Exactly. 341 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,240 It's really interesting because it's kind of of the same vein as 342 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:37,440 what Kim was saying about if she can, like, can you logically get 343 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,840 from A to B today and get to this thing? 344 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:43,440 And if you can, then you will. And I'm hearing the same thing 345 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:47,440 with you, Ruth, because you're like, if you can help, then you 346 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,800 should, right? I mean, it is a cliche, but 347 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,440 whatever we're saying yes to means we're saying no to 348 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:56,320 something else. And we also know that if that no 349 00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:01,040 is to ourselves, then that will impact the people in our lives, 350 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:05,160 again, as we just discussed. Yes, another thing that's a bit 351 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:09,400 tricky is actually learning that balance because it's it you 352 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,360 know, you've gone from people pleaser who you know, someone 353 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,920 says jump, you say how high already jumping like on a Pogo 354 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:20,520 stick. Then you start realizing kind of 355 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,280 where some of these behaviors are coming from, which then 356 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,280 obviously gives you that kind of understanding and the and the 357 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,680 awareness. Do you still want to be there to 358 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,520 support people when they need to have to kind of, but yeah, kind 359 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,560 of learn that balance of of how much you can give. 360 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,600 And also that amount changes depending on where you're at in 361 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,160 your own headspace. So I guess sometimes you can be 362 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:45,240 more giving than other times. Capacity versus capability, 363 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:48,680 always time anyway, whether we're talking about Kim having 364 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,400 the capability to get from A to B, but does she have the 365 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,640 capacity? And Ruth, with how much 366 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,800 emotional capacity can you give to somebody in need at 367 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,640 Christmas? We have to acknowledge that ADHD 368 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,160 presents differently in all people. 369 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,000 On top of that, we have our lovely side dishes served as 370 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,840 alongside the main course. And the most commonly Co 371 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:09,600 occurring condition is of course, autism, ASD and a lot of 372 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,920 people who are Audi HD and I cannot speak for them. 373 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,160 So please don't think that I'm, you know, explaining anybody's 374 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,960 condition to them. I wouldn't dream of doing such a 375 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,560 thing. But what I've been told many 376 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:24,760 times is that people who do have Audi HD need time to. 377 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:29,080 What's the word like recharge? If that is your experience that 378 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,440 you can go in social situations but then you need to retreat and 379 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,120 recharge your social battery, that is completely valid. 380 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,200 That's is an ADHD experience as well. 381 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,560 Like we're all different. So for me, I think when I've 382 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:45,600 been in a cycle of that, whether it's socializing, committing, 383 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,680 being with friends, I think there is that people pleasing, 384 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,080 but I genuinely think that connection, that's what I thrive 385 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,440 on, that whole connection of being with other people. 386 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,720 And then if I get into a cycle of being with people 387 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,240 consistently or a day on day off, couple of days here, a 388 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:04,000 couple of days, what actually is really hard is to get off it 389 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:08,680 because I find it very difficult to go back into Mundan, What I 390 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:12,400 then see as mundanity where we are in that mundane life and 391 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:16,400 it's very difficult to come back into normal life, having had all 392 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,640 these great vibes, these conversations, you know, all 393 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:23,080 this great connection and then come back into home, which is 394 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,120 great to be there. But sometimes I find the downer 395 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:32,120 coming back as hard to manage because coming back into a home, 396 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,720 which is your home, you're there to burp and fart in your own 397 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:39,280 space and time. But there is this sort of down 398 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:44,040 feeling of like it's over. I do think also now would be a 399 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:48,400 really good time to mention that our charity is quite unique in 400 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:52,280 that, well, it's run by us, but our charity is quite unique in 401 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:56,160 the sense that we're really focusing on creating those in 402 00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:01,000 person spaces that face to face connection in local communities. 403 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:05,240 But if you are a person who doesn't really like connecting 404 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,720 with others in person, that's totally valid as well. 405 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:14,080 There are so many online spaces. For example, ADHD Adult UK has a 406 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,440 magnificent and massive Discord server. 407 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,200 You can go in there for free and you can get information and 408 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,120 support and validation and all of that stuff online if that is 409 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:28,160 what suits you better. Similarly, ADHD UK have a lot of 410 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,520 online webinars, seminars, etcetera. 411 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:34,120 So there is a there are or a lot of online space and that's just 412 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,720 two charities, never mind all of the wonderful support groups 413 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,960 that there are on Facebook, Reddit, all of this stuff. 414 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,640 So if you are more of a person that would like to connect 415 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,200 online, that's totally valid. And there's loads and loads of 416 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,040 space for that. But we're all about the in 417 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:50,040 person now. We are going to move on to 418 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,960 present pressure. Gifting loved ones sounds like a 419 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,000 lovely thing to do, but it can cause a lot of anxiety, stress 420 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,240 and shame. For ADHD is now impulsive 421 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,880 spending can lead us to buying things we can't afford. 422 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:08,920 Many ADHD is are in debt due to struggles with finance, 423 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:13,720 management, controlling impulses and a lot of us are unemployed 424 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,440 or underemployed or not being paid what we should be. 425 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:20,560 Not being able to afford gifts or getting into debt for them is 426 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,840 a struggle faced by so many of us. 427 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:27,160 People with ADHD have impeded executive function skills which 428 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:31,760 impairs goal directed behaviour alongside losing track of time. 429 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,960 We can forget to shop or post gifts and sometimes even that 430 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:40,800 we've bought them already. Many of us misplace things. 431 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:44,120 We may lose what we've bought before gifting and or lose a 432 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:47,120 treasured gift we've received, which brings a lot of shame. 433 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,520 Many of us have been made aware that we don't react 434 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:55,120 appropriately in adverted commas, which can make even 435 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:59,280 receiving gifts and deity inducing if we have to open them 436 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:02,200 in front of the gift giver. Your thoughts? 437 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:07,680 I tend to overcommit. I decided to buy a wooden advent 438 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,960 calendar for each of my children, which obviously then 439 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:15,960 required me to buy 24 presents that were small enough to fit 440 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,520 into the draw of the advent calendars. 441 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,360 Which? Not many presents, not many 442 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,280 things are that small. So yes. 443 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,440 And obviously this year, haven't even thought about it. 444 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:32,640 First year I did it I even bought chocolate moulds and 445 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,800 melted the chocolate so each one had an individual. 446 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:41,800 This is for two children, so that's 4848. 447 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,840 But talk about making your life harder for yourself. 448 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:46,160 Couldn't you be there with like AI? 449 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,200 Don't know, a little table celebration? 450 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,440 Bang Bang Bang Bang. I'm going to re melt them into 451 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:57,640 moulds. Get 2 advent calendars jobs to 452 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,880 get in. No, I wanted to make them but 453 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,800 this is coming from because because my dad was a vicar so we 454 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:08,400 were never allowed chocolate advent calendars or at least not 455 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,960 for years. So now I'm like. 456 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,560 Right. I'm with you because, you know, 457 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,680 we're a bit nerdy and we're a bit creative as in you and I, 458 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:21,240 not all ADHD is, but like the thought of it is really 459 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,040 exciting. Like, oh, I'm going to make this 460 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,560 thing. Yeah, that's one thing. 461 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:29,200 The other thing I do quite often is buy things and then hide 462 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,560 them, then forget about them. That's probably my biggest one. 463 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,520 Never bought somebody something that you'd already bought them a 464 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:37,080 previous year. I've done that before. 465 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:41,400 I get gift embarrassment because I've got certain members in my 466 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:46,360 family that will just overspend. And I've had a conversation with 467 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:49,240 the same family member and said, right, this year we're going to 468 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,920 cut it back. It's just going to be this or 469 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,120 it's going to be an experience that we're going to do together 470 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:55,760 or something like that. And then I hear, well, you know 471 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,200 what? So and so bought us, don't you? 472 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,120 And it's 3 first class tickets to the moon and back again. 473 00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,840 I'm like, oh, here's your ticket to the cinema. 474 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,440 And it just feels like a floppy piece of lettuce. 475 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,520 And I'm really happy. But I'm just like, oh, again, 476 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:14,040 I've been outwitted. I struggle with presence, with 477 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,320 perfectionism, having to try and get as perfect as possible. 478 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:21,400 And I found that the best thing for me to do is to eradicate as 479 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:25,160 many people, not eradicate the people that who I actually buy 480 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,680 gifts for. That kind of frees that the time 481 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,800 and energy for the kind of the small amount. 482 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:34,680 But I do buy presents still for fine tune down who we actually 483 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:39,480 need to and again, having those honest conversations and just 484 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,400 and I know I'm being aware of different people's circumstances 485 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,400 as well. And I think sometimes it's it 486 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:48,560 can be the one person's got to be the first person to broach 487 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,120 like, you know, maybe doing things differently or shall we 488 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:53,240 just you know, we're going out for dinner anyway. 489 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,360 So why let that let that be our present to each other. 490 00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:58,560 And on top of the perfectionism, and I will come back to 491 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,560 perfectionism, it's choice paralysis. 492 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,920 I really struggle. Like I will be thinking about 493 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:07,680 something that I want to gift somebody for a really long time, 494 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,360 and I'll keep coming back to it and I won't be able to decide 495 00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:12,280 which one or which is the best one. 496 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,200 And then I've just left it too late. 497 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,720 And that happens time and time again. 498 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,920 It gets to a point if you're not careful of you're literally just 499 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,040 spending money for the sake of it because you're buying it for 500 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,680 everyone, you can't spend as much as you'd like. 501 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:30,120 Started doing Secret Santa between the siblings so that 502 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,680 you're only buying one, which is quite a nice way of doing. 503 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,720 Present wise, I think I'm down to five presents a year, so then 504 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,960 it becomes presents for me and I'll have another one for me. 505 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:47,280 Oh, and another one for me. I will tell the story that I did 506 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,600 tell on this tour. As I've said many times in the 507 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:52,280 past, I've always really struggled in the world of work. 508 00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,480 I've tried to run my own business, but all of my ADHD 509 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:57,000 traits made it very, very difficult. 510 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,240 So I'd start and stop and I did seasonal work. 511 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:03,840 So I've just never really had a wage or you know, just any kind 512 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,840 of regular amount of money that I could rely on. 513 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:12,040 And so one Christmas, and again, time blindness and being overly 514 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:15,360 optimistic or whatever else got me to about 3 days before 515 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,880 Christmas and I suddenly realized I didn't have any money 516 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,880 to buy the person who I was with at the time at present. 517 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:26,600 And so I just got this little box, this little pretty red box, 518 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,680 and I wrote this massive letter, which was just like, I'm so 519 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:34,320 sorry, I'm completely broke, but this is an IOU and I promise you 520 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,520 I will get you a present. If I had the money, I'd buy you 521 00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,520 the moon, but I don't have a pot to piss in. 522 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,680 It was funny because they did actually really appreciate it. 523 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,840 You know, we've all got different love languages. 524 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,680 I'm definitely words of affirmation hands down any day. 525 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,800 And that's why I really, really love cards as well. 526 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,880 Like I get probably more excited about cards than I do presents. 527 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:54,840 I want to read the words and it really means a lot. 528 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:57,320 And I keep them. I mean, my God, this house. 529 00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:59,480 This house is like pretty much built on cards. 530 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:06,320 The House of Cards, sorry. It's so excited, but how I do 531 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:10,520 just want to convey that's cheesy as it sounds, people will 532 00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,600 not necessarily remember what you got them for Christmas last 533 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:16,200 year, especially if they've got ADHD. 534 00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:21,440 So what I would say is that the most important thing is always 535 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:25,480 how you make people feel. And if you make people feel 536 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,320 appreciated, that doesn't necessarily have to be with a 537 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,200 gift. You know, you can send somebody 538 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:33,840 a lovely message. You could write them a poem, 539 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:37,920 make them a graphic. You could, you know, just just 540 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:41,480 ring them up and tell them that you love them being actually. 541 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,880 Really real rather than buying into that kind of what we see on 542 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:48,120 the adverts. I really noticed the disparity 543 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,440 at Christmas between the people that have a lot and the people 544 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:55,160 that don't have very much. And actually I saw this on the 545 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,960 takeaways in the last session this year. 546 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,880 I actually am going to give that money to charity and learning 547 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:04,200 what feels right for you as well and explaining that aligning 548 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:06,120 with your own personal values well. 549 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,680 Aligning with your values and just remembering that actually 550 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:13,040 the whole point of giving someone a gift in theory is that 551 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,480 you're telling them that you love them and you're thinking of 552 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:19,440 them and, and yeah, celebrating. And actually that can be done so 553 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:23,160 many different ways, but it is a good last minute present as our 554 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:26,640 digital downloads of ADHDF live shows, by the way, you can get 555 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:30,480 that in your inbox is the season that we're all gonna eat, drink 556 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:32,160 and be merry and all of that business. 557 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,440 But there are several traits that can make all of that 558 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:39,240 particularly challenging. So one is risky behaviour. 559 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:45,440 So many of us have a low risk perception, and ADHD symptoms 560 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:49,240 are associated with stronger perceptions of the anticipated 561 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:52,280 benefits of engaging in risky behaviour. 562 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,920 Attitudes towards the perceived risk also play a role, 563 00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:59,600 suggesting that adults with ADHD, as I said, are less risk 564 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:02,400 averse. Researchers suggest that adults 565 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:05,800 with ADHD might rate the benefits of risky behaviour so 566 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:11,120 highly because of common ADHD personality traits such as delay 567 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:15,160 aversion and sensation seeking. Dopamine is essential for 568 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:18,160 controlling impulses. A deficiency in this 569 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:22,120 neurotransmitter intensifies the urge to indulge in behaviours 570 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:28,000 such as overeating, substance misuse and other risk taking 571 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:31,520 behaviours to achieve the same reward others get from less 572 00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:34,440 harmful behaviours. The festive period is 573 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:38,640 predominantly food focused with Christmas dinner taking center 574 00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:41,840 stage. Many ADHD is fight daily battles 575 00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:45,440 with eating issues. Encouragement to feast for those 576 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:48,800 of us that struggle with eating can make this time of year feel 577 00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:52,320 far from a celebration. Eating, drinking and being merry 578 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:54,760 can bring challenges for those with ADHD. 579 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:59,080 Studying it is a proven that ADHD is are an increased risk. 580 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:00,920 And why can't I say increased risk? 581 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:05,040 We're at an increased risk of binge drinking and are at higher 582 00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:10,000 risk of alcohol use disorder. Alcohol can increase ADHD 583 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:14,040 symptoms such as impulsivity, and many of us have an increased 584 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,480 sensitivity to the effects of alcohol. 585 00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:21,400 Yeah, and the dopamine of the Christmas food and party food. 586 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:26,240 Life. Is like the best best most ADHD 587 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:31,240 food in the entire world. Like 20 different small bite 588 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:34,320 sized things I want. To be off my tits on M&S picky 589 00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:37,160 bits. Yep, and I will overeat as well. 590 00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:40,520 And I was renowned in our family, close family as a child. 591 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,040 It's like God, Kim, where are you putting it? 592 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:43,120 Where are you? Just keep going. 593 00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:45,080 You Oh, Kimberly tick. Kimberly tick which? 594 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:47,520 In part can be due to interception. 595 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,480 Not necessarily. I'm not saying for you, but for 596 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,480 a lot of people with ADHD, we don't realize that we're full. 597 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:55,800 We're not getting those internal cues. 598 00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,920 Mind and body aren't linking up. So yeah, we don't really feel 599 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:02,200 full and the food's delicious. It's all sensation taking more 600 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,120 dopamine. And for those of us that 601 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:06,960 struggle the other way, that struggle to eat or struggle with 602 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:11,520 the sensational texture of certain foods or feel the need 603 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:14,040 to restrict what they eat or just struggle with eating 604 00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:17,160 altogether for various reasons and potential Co occurring 605 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:21,720 eating disorders, etcetera. Pressure to eat is, is really 606 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,720 quite an awful thing. Like to to have to sit down at 607 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:26,520 Christmas dinner and eat. So what you don't want to eat, 608 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:30,120 feel like you have to people are watching you and or don't want 609 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,120 to upset the person, but actually you're allergic. 610 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,040 So this or that especially, I would say it was turning down a 611 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,960 drink. So many people feel pressured to 612 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:41,960 drink at Christmas time that actually even know themselves or 613 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,200 are leaning on that crutch because they have social 614 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:48,240 anxiety, because they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, 615 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:51,520 exhausted, whatever. Like there's lots of pressure 616 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:54,480 all around with that overindulgence in any form. 617 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:59,600 Alcohol's quite a big one, I think I used to use it much more 618 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,280 as a social cut. I mean, that's one of the 619 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:06,240 reasons why we really like to have our support groups not in a 620 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,719 hub. It can be helpful sometimes to 621 00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:12,920 socialise with people when that's not necessarily Rams down 622 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:14,719 your throat. If it's something that feels 623 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:18,199 exacerbated because of the time of year, maybe kind of being 624 00:34:18,199 --> 00:34:21,280 extra mindful when you're making arrangements where you're 625 00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,520 meeting or what someone else is asking of you and you just 626 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,920 think, actually, I'm just going to end up feeling worse as a 627 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,639 result of this because of temptation or something like 628 00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:31,400 that. Kind of, again, it's about 629 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:34,719 learning to know what we can cope with or not know. 630 00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:36,760 It's easier said than done sometimes, especially when it 631 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:39,480 comes to families. I would hope that if it's with 632 00:34:39,679 --> 00:34:42,400 your friends that they would support that. 633 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,120 And if they don't, then again, it's that reevaluating if some 634 00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:49,040 wouldn't and then some wouldn't, That's who you spend some of 635 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,639 your time with. Exactly that, because at the end 636 00:34:51,639 --> 00:34:53,880 of the day, if somebody is going to put pressure on you to do 637 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,639 something that you either don't want to do or eat something you 638 00:34:56,639 --> 00:34:58,960 don't want to eat or not take no for an answer. 639 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:01,360 When you say that you're not drinking this Christmas or 640 00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:05,080 you're now not drinking at all or whatever it is, then actually 641 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,160 then they're not the people that you should be with. 642 00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:10,920 And I'm going to say as well, you know, in terms of putting 643 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:14,440 pressure on you to eat, also judgement about eating, you 644 00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,120 know, people are like, oh, you're going to have another one 645 00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:19,680 of those like it's nobody's business what you do or don't 646 00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:23,640 put in your mouth, full stop. And if you are in a situation 647 00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:26,600 where you don't feel like you have that autonomy of your own 648 00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:29,880 body, you feel uncomfortable, you feel pressured, that really 649 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,600 isn't the right environment. And if, as we say, that's 650 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:35,880 family, when you don't have another option, then it's 651 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:39,320 limiting the amount of time that you spend in environments that 652 00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:42,880 are going to cause you that sort of harm and actually thinking 653 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,200 about things that will make you feel better. 654 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:47,800 We've already talked about the fact that rest can look 655 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:50,600 different for all of us. If you need, if you're somebody 656 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,400 that needs that time to recharge, then let somebody know 657 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,360 that you need to go and have a little lie down or whatever. 658 00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:57,800 And if you have to tell a white lie, so be it. 659 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:00,760 If your head's hurting, accidentally, got a little 660 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:04,040 migraine, whatever the hell it is that you need to do to keep 661 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:06,800 yourself safe, then do that. And if you want to say what a 662 00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:09,520 beautiful day, let's have a walk, go and stretch your legs, 663 00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:11,760 move around. If you have overindulged and 664 00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,480 it's making you feel anxious just sitting around because so 665 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:18,560 many of us experienced that domestic anxiety of actually 666 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:21,360 being in the house on actual Christmas Day, just sitting 667 00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:23,640 there for hours and hours and hours in front of the TV like so 668 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:26,600 many of us grew up with those kinds of Christmases. 669 00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:29,600 Then actually you, you're not changing into that sofa. 670 00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:31,760 You are very much allowed to go and have a walk. 671 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,720 And it know that exercise helps with our ADHD symptoms on top of 672 00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:38,480 if we're feeling horribly full and a bit guilty. 673 00:36:38,720 --> 00:36:42,160 But do try and remove that shame because if you struggle with 674 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:45,400 overeating, overindulgence, drinking, whatever, it isn't 675 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:49,000 your fault like it is symptomatic of the condition and 676 00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:51,760 you don't have to beat himself up for it. 677 00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,320 You're not alone in it. I think it's really important to 678 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,800 know there is no judgement like it is Christmas and if you feel 679 00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,280 like you want to overindulge then you absolutely should. 680 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:05,240 However, it's really just about making sure that you are doing 681 00:37:05,240 --> 00:37:09,280 what you want to do. And if you know that alcohol is 682 00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:12,840 going to lead you to have crippling RSD for a week 683 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:16,400 afterwards and crying and really emotionally just regulated and 684 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,360 feeling dreadful, even if you make your peace with that, that 685 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:21,280 that's going to be the case. So that doesn't come as a 686 00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:24,080 surprise to you. Just really making sure that you 687 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:31,680 can best support yourself. We are back with Part 2 of ADHD 688 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:34,680 Christmas SOS. I haven't decided if it's going 689 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:36,920 to be a separate episode or if it's all going to be put into 690 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:38,200 one. Let's see what happens. 691 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:41,400 Who knows for anybody, Christmas can be a lot, right? 692 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:44,560 We know it's coming every year, but I really don't know anybody 693 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:46,480 who does actually prepare or save up for it. 694 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:48,200 But that might just be the company I keep. 695 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:51,440 And then all of a sudden not only have we we've got all of 696 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:54,160 these adverts on TV telling us to make everything perfect, 697 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:58,840 we've also got really emotional Christmas movies on. 698 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,120 This is really funny. Sorry but we're already off with 699 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,880 the side quest. So my husband has got a job 700 00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:08,600 where he works away some of the time and he's drawn the short 701 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,600 straw and is actually away this Christmas. 702 00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:13,680 And I am literally distraught about it. 703 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:15,200 Every time I think about it I'm so upset. 704 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,640 And then I have to remember, like, he's not actually left me. 705 00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:22,280 Everything is fine. But anyway, we're sort of 706 00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,800 celebrating Christmas early and we've recently moved to London 707 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:28,800 and I managed to bag the last two seats in the house to see 708 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:32,240 Home Alone at the Royal Albert Hall with like an orchestra and 709 00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:35,240 everything. And actually Home Alone is the 710 00:38:35,240 --> 00:38:40,120 one that gets me every time. It's a key change in no holy 711 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:42,480 night. Like you know me, emotional 712 00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:45,240 dysregulation is like my calling card. 713 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:48,880 You have never heard or seen me cry like I cry in that key 714 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,240 change about holy night. So God help the. 715 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:54,880 Let alone with it been live. I like implowed with emotion. 716 00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,040 That's not the point. The point is, at Christmas 717 00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:02,760 there's always some lovely oh, they're not going to make it 718 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,320 home. Christmas, Oh, they do. 719 00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:08,760 All of it is so, so emotional. This category is called the 720 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,920 Perfect Christmas with a focus on perfectionism. 721 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:16,320 On average, neurodivergent person received 20,000 more 722 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:20,280 negative comments in childhood than a neurotypical. 723 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,320 Studies found a strong correlation between 724 00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:27,880 perfectionism and impulsivity. Together they form a negative 725 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:31,920 feedback loop in which the ADHD is set impossible standards, 726 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:36,080 fails to meet them, and then makes rash decisions out of 727 00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:38,800 frustration. These decisions can then have 728 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:42,920 negative consequences that further reinforce the the idea 729 00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:47,920 that they're worthless. Just try harder mentality sees 730 00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:52,800 them plan meticulously with the belief that they can try their 731 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:57,640 symptoms away. Christmas is big business. 732 00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:01,440 We are constantly sold the idea that we can create the perfect 733 00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:04,040 Christmas dinner or buy the perfect gift. 734 00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:07,920 On top of consumerism, we are also bombarded with movies 735 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:11,680 depicting perfect families enjoying Christmas together and 736 00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:14,920 Christmas romances kiss on the stroke of midnight. 737 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:18,960 Time blindness, motivation issues, executive dysfunction 738 00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:24,600 and limited resources due to ADHD tax can foil our plans to 739 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,520 be the next Nigella. For many of us, the Wrecking 740 00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:31,160 Ball of ADHD swung in and damaged or swept away some of 741 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:34,440 our personal relationships, making it hard not to hear that 742 00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:37,400 echo of those 20,000 negative comments. 743 00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:41,000 Often we need very little evidence to feel like failures. 744 00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:45,640 So ramp up the perfectionism with Jingle Bells on discounts. 745 00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:48,760 The perfectionism might present in me at Christmas is more in 746 00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:52,440 the fact that of not feeling festive enough, that I'm not 747 00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:55,040 almost doing. I'm not Christmassy enough. 748 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:57,120 I'm not kind of nailing that enough. 749 00:40:57,560 --> 00:41:00,760 Do you think that that is informed by people pleasing as 750 00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,920 in you are taking the shine off other people's Christmases? 751 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:08,560 Or is it just internally you're expecting yourself to feel more 752 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:11,040 festive than you do because that's what's expected? 753 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:13,640 I think it's a real struggle with the emotional 754 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:17,240 dysregulation. I definitely feel sadder at a 755 00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:24,000 time that it feels like everyone is twinkly Christmas jumpers and 756 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:30,360 my empathy gauge ramps up to an unhelpful amount. 757 00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:35,320 And it's like those ADHD traits that we battle so much with and 758 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:38,680 all the scars of the batting with it so that, you know, 759 00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:42,640 internalize shame and guilt. And the fact that I feel that 760 00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,920 maybe I then have to use more energy to, I guess it's almost 761 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,800 to have to mask again. I feel that at a time when, 762 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,680 yeah, there is more focus on celebrations, I just, yeah, I 763 00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:55,000 just feel that I go the opposite. 764 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,880 And I have to say, I completely relate to everything that you're 765 00:41:57,880 --> 00:41:59,760 saying. It's like the whole of Christmas 766 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:03,600 feels like a lump in my throat. A lot of things set me off. 767 00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:06,120 Then I think I just give up and lean in. 768 00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:09,000 Like, you know, my favorite Christmas movie is definitely 769 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:12,200 It's A Wonderful Life. And I just sit there like every 770 00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:17,080 time a bell rings, like just literally a top like that. 771 00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:20,200 Like, fuck it, I'm that emotion. I might as well just bore my 772 00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:22,120 eyes out is how it sort of feels. 773 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:24,080 Thank you for that. It's like another thing where 774 00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:26,320 you can feel like you're feeling and also around Christmas time 775 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,640 often it's very. Cold. 776 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:32,680 Something that I'm really noticing for myself is that my 777 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:37,880 emotional dysregulation and my RSD are very much heightened 778 00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:41,400 when I'm tired. And actually I don't really get 779 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,440 tired. My brain doesn't really switch 780 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:45,040 off. Like I literally lie there 781 00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:48,040 thinking about things and then sometime I just passed out for a 782 00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:51,080 bit, no more than five hours at any given point. 783 00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:53,800 So I don't really know that I'm tired. 784 00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:56,080 I don't really know that I've ever not been tired. 785 00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:58,600 But what I suddenly noticed is that I am a bit more emotional. 786 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:02,360 So when we do have all of these extra messages, things to think 787 00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:06,000 about, things to plan and these bulging calendars like that is 788 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:09,320 and I say and performative festiveness is going to make you 789 00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:12,360 more tired and that is also going to make you more emotional 790 00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:15,160 as well as all of the triggers of nostalgia, family, etcetera, 791 00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,880 etcetera. But also I find that I've got a 792 00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:21,280 greater heightened anxiety, although I will say yes to 793 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:25,000 almost every social function that's going, the anticipation 794 00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:29,200 of going into any of those functions will be that process 795 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:33,680 of stepping over that threshold into that environment will be 796 00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:37,920 causing me angst for quite a few hours before I always have a lot 797 00:43:37,920 --> 00:43:40,760 of anxiety around clothing at this time of the year. 798 00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:43,320 It drives me mad. It is one of my things. 799 00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:44,600 What do I wear? What do I wear? 800 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,880 And I also think, Bah humbug, I don't have a Christmas tree. 801 00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,200 Bah humbug, I don't wear the I don't do this. 802 00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,480 But actually in reflection, it's probably probably, although the 803 00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:56,160 tree thing is true, I don't like the tree in the house. 804 00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:59,480 But I guess that layered on top of that is the fact that I can't 805 00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:02,040 make that perfect Christmas tree because I don't have all those 806 00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:05,080 perfect decorations. So, you know, I feel it should 807 00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:06,920 be gold this year. It should be red this year. 808 00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:10,280 And perfectionism drives so much of it. 809 00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:14,520 And then perfectionism on top of when you walk into those social 810 00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:17,320 situations, whether it be with people you've known for a long 811 00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:20,160 time or we have a thing in our village. 812 00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:24,040 If you get invited to so and so is Christmas, do you know you're 813 00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:27,240 in in the village and you will go there and you'll make polite 814 00:44:27,240 --> 00:44:30,520 little aged conversation. We all talk absolute bollocks. 815 00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:34,400 We don't talk for the rest of the year, but you've made it if 816 00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:37,080 you've been invited to so. And so is Christmas Day. 817 00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:41,360 Is it social anxiety or is it because this is this is what 818 00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:44,600 came to my mind? Is it the perfectionism that 819 00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:48,080 there is so much pressure on this being a good party that you 820 00:44:48,080 --> 00:44:51,960 as a people pleaser alike, I have to be on top form like I 821 00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:54,840 have to make everyone laugh, be the life and soul. 822 00:44:55,240 --> 00:44:59,000 But but I'm also, I'm literally like some sort of sonar radar. 823 00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:00,880 I'm checking out the room all the time. 824 00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:02,400 I'm listening to other conversations. 825 00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:04,440 Who's talking the better? Who do I want to be with? 826 00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:06,680 Who sounds better? Am I listening to the most 827 00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:09,200 boring real person in the room? How do I get away from them? 828 00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:10,640 Where is it? Where? 829 00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,880 Where do I need to be? Who is the person I need to be 830 00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:15,600 stood with? So it's a lot of energy all the 831 00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:19,760 time when you're scanning those rooms, even if it's a room full 832 00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:24,560 of ADHD is I'm constantly scanning, taking, in, noticing, 833 00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:28,080 recognizing. That I'm being rude if I'm 834 00:45:28,080 --> 00:45:30,080 giving one person so much time that I haven't spoken to 835 00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:31,560 somebody else. I'm because, like, looking 836 00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:35,520 around, like, like, yeah, it is a lot of that, yeah. 837 00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,920 Ruth, how do you feel about this perfectionism, business and 838 00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:42,400 Christmas? I feel it more with visitors. 839 00:45:42,600 --> 00:45:45,920 I've kind of got over the fact that my house is never going to 840 00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:49,600 be perfectly tidy and therefore it's never going to. 841 00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:53,120 There's no, there's no space to put all the beautiful 842 00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:54,960 decorations that I would love to have up. 843 00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:58,560 There's just nowhere. It's more visitors coming and 844 00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:01,600 just I try and get all the little, stupid little things on 845 00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:07,640 the table, the little glass decorations and you know, all of 846 00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:10,640 that kind of stuff. He one of those people that does 847 00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:13,040 like Santa's footprints and all that business. 848 00:46:13,080 --> 00:46:18,880 God no, did you not know the elves that come and visit? 849 00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:25,280 They also have ADHD when they come to ours to move sometime. 850 00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:28,680 Did. Because obviously Santa lands on 851 00:46:28,680 --> 00:46:32,120 the roof terrace here because we have no it's. 852 00:46:32,120 --> 00:46:35,800 Got special access in Houston? The present thing is less about 853 00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:39,360 perfectionism, more about impulsivity. 854 00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:43,000 A lot of it is adverts and social media, without a doubt. 855 00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:46,800 It's easy to like to look at all these presents for that. 856 00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:48,560 Oh yeah, I'll buy this one. I'll buy that one. 857 00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:53,480 And it it's not long before you realise, like out of the eight 858 00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:57,160 that you've bought, one of them is going to actually get used 859 00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:00,560 more than one. It's quite a funny 1 and I and 860 00:47:00,560 --> 00:47:03,040 I'm I am worried that I'm going to get emotional in this 861 00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:05,480 episode, but I'm going to try really hard to just speak 862 00:47:05,640 --> 00:47:09,920 plainly. I really like hosting and I 863 00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,920 really like doing the perfect Christmas. 864 00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:15,880 I do fancy myself as a little bit of a Nigella and I've got 865 00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:18,040 receipts. People have told me I do make 866 00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:19,920 the best roast potatoes in the world. 867 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:23,280 Genuinely, I make a mean roast potato and I will blow my own 868 00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:27,160 trumpet just like Sonia. But I don't have any reason to 869 00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:29,840 host. I am not raising a family of my 870 00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:34,400 own this year in particular, as I said, big as a way and all I 871 00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:38,600 want to do is deck the halls and cook the food and host. 872 00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:41,520 That is genuinely and it's sad. I was saying it to a family, 873 00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:43,280 remember the other day I was just like that. 874 00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:48,040 Irony is, all I've ever wanted to do is host Christmas and I 875 00:47:48,040 --> 00:47:51,120 literally don't really have any reason to, and I just have to 876 00:47:51,120 --> 00:47:53,080 dance the beat of everyone else's drama and it makes me a 877 00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:55,960 bit sad. Especially when I'm eating a 878 00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:59,400 soft roast potato. Could not agree with you more. 879 00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:03,320 I'd love to host. I make the world's worst roast 880 00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:04,720 potato. Well, I'll give you a lesson, 881 00:48:04,720 --> 00:48:06,480 Kim. Anytime, roast potato. 882 00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:08,960 I've now added pressure to the listeners. 883 00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:12,640 I don't enjoy hosting because of the perfectionism. 884 00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:16,000 I would have so much pressure on getting it perfect that I I find 885 00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:19,160 it easier to not. But then also as well, I think 886 00:48:19,160 --> 00:48:22,200 it's about reframing what that perfect is because when I relax 887 00:48:22,200 --> 00:48:25,080 up and I've got my family over on Christmas Day, we have a 888 00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:27,960 really lovely time. Does depend on who is? 889 00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:32,040 On that note, it is the perfect segue actually Ruth conflict. 890 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:35,120 We have sold the concept that Christmas is about spending time 891 00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:38,240 with family, but many ADHD is have dysfunctional families, 892 00:48:38,240 --> 00:48:41,400 believe it or not, and some are estranged from members with whom 893 00:48:41,400 --> 00:48:46,720 relationships have turned toxic. ADHD tends to run in families at 894 00:48:46,720 --> 00:48:50,440 very high percentage rate and in most cases, it's thought that 895 00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:54,560 the genes you inherit from your parents are a significant factor 896 00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:57,800 in developing the condition. Research shows that parents and 897 00:48:57,800 --> 00:49:00,920 siblings of some with ADHD are very likely to have it 898 00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:03,640 themselves. A reluctance for parents or 899 00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:07,120 siblings to acknowledge their own potential neurodivergence 900 00:49:07,120 --> 00:49:11,880 can cause resentment and rifts. No two people with ADHD present 901 00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:15,240 in exactly the same way. Though many of us find comfort 902 00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:18,000 in our shared experience and unique viewpoints, how our 903 00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:20,880 symptoms present can sometimes clash. 904 00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:24,600 Mixing Great Uncle Archibald's quick temper with cousin 905 00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:27,840 Gertrude's perfectionism. Whilst Auntie Sue has been 906 00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:31,600 impulsively knocking back the presexi since breakfast, the 907 00:49:31,600 --> 00:49:35,320 family dinner can descend into a scene straight out of the 908 00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:39,280 EastEnders Christmas special. Emotional dysregulation is a 909 00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:43,960 decreased ability to control emotional responses, often 910 00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:48,000 resulting in emotional reactions that are disproportionate 911 00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:51,920 allegedly to the situation. Those that struggle with 912 00:49:51,920 --> 00:49:56,640 emotional regulation may be seen to overreact in certain 913 00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:59,280 scenarios. Some are quick to anger, whilst 914 00:49:59,280 --> 00:50:03,040 others may be quick to cry. Emotional dysregulation and 915 00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:07,560 impulsivity are a match made in hell, causing us to blur out 916 00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:11,240 words in the heat of the moment that hurt those we care about, 917 00:50:11,280 --> 00:50:13,480 leaving us wishing we could turn back time. 918 00:50:13,680 --> 00:50:16,600 We're not going to sing Cher like we did in the show, but who 919 00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:20,200 relates? Oh my God yes it was a lot worse 920 00:50:20,200 --> 00:50:23,040 when I had unknown. They did. 921 00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:29,240 Yes I definitely used to flip out at my in laws. 922 00:50:29,240 --> 00:50:32,960 I think the compilation of emotional dysferniculation and 923 00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,240 alcohol. The perfect Christmas doesn't 924 00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:38,440 exist. If I'm with my in laws, I hate 925 00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:41,200 the way they do something. If I'm with my family, I hate 926 00:50:41,200 --> 00:50:45,760 the way they do something. Invariably, somebody, somebody 927 00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:47,560 will ruin Christmas. Somebody's ruined. 928 00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:50,560 Somebody will do something. Yeah, because they don't know 929 00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:53,600 what my expectations are, and that's what I have learned. 930 00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,680 I actually agree. And I, I am a bit of a kid. 931 00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,360 You would think that year on year on year, you'd be like, OK, 932 00:50:59,360 --> 00:51:01,840 well, let's lower our expectations a little bit. 933 00:51:01,840 --> 00:51:04,680 Let's let's manage the expectations that some that 934 00:51:04,680 --> 00:51:07,480 that's going to happen. It happens every year, but every 935 00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:10,000 year I'm like, no, this one's gonna be great. 936 00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:13,000 And then and then you are crushed again. 937 00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:15,840 People pleasing, or should we call it peacekeeping as Megan 938 00:51:15,840 --> 00:51:18,880 Burks would say? I do, I feel responsible for 939 00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:20,880 everybody. It's not just my perfect 940 00:51:20,880 --> 00:51:23,440 Christmas, it's everyone's perfect Christmas and I will do 941 00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:25,560 everything I can to make sure that it is. 942 00:51:25,560 --> 00:51:28,320 And when other people aren't playing ball with that or being 943 00:51:28,600 --> 00:51:31,160 just self driven and just doing what they want to do, I'm like, 944 00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:33,320 but what about this person? We need to make sure that 945 00:51:33,320 --> 00:51:36,920 they're having your business. And it just spirals into a lot 946 00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:39,200 of responsibility and a lot of disappointment. 947 00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:42,280 And you have no chance to actually take a minute to enjoy 948 00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:45,680 it yourself because you're just worrying about everyone else. 949 00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:50,480 Twisting your tits off because you're like nobody guys about a 950 00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:52,640 nice business just. Going to say it's thought I'd 951 00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:55,520 also feel resentment as well because it's yeah. 952 00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:56,960 All of those. I hate them all. 953 00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:58,760 Yeah. And so I think I feel a bit 954 00:51:58,760 --> 00:52:01,640 envious that that people are able to just chill and think 955 00:52:01,640 --> 00:52:03,920 about themselves. Like at RSD, if I don't see the 956 00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:06,800 response from somebody that I expect them from the gifts that 957 00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:08,640 I've given. And I've also cried because my 958 00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:12,000 husband, he tries to be funny and we did we part, we do match 959 00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,480 each other on funny. But sometimes Christmas Day when 960 00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:19,640 you open it and he's laughing and it's a spanner in a 961 00:52:19,640 --> 00:52:23,600 beautiful box from a beautiful lingerie to department. 962 00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:26,720 And it's a spanner. And he's like, you need this for 963 00:52:26,720 --> 00:52:29,920 your spare wheel and like, I need the lingerie and I need the 964 00:52:29,920 --> 00:52:32,240 perfume. But you've given me a spanner. 965 00:52:32,240 --> 00:52:36,360 Last year my in laws, they weren't aware of my ADHD, this 966 00:52:36,360 --> 00:52:41,160 year they now know. And so I'm quite excited to see 967 00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:45,320 actually what this Christmas brings when people don't know if 968 00:52:45,320 --> 00:52:48,960 you are, if you are kind of keeping that covered or hidden, 969 00:52:49,240 --> 00:52:52,000 I think that adds another. It's like another bit of the 970 00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:54,080 editing, isn't it? Because you're kind of you're 971 00:52:54,080 --> 00:52:56,880 playing something down. And when also we are stating, 972 00:52:56,920 --> 00:53:00,480 yeah, absolutely. And I'm optimistic in that 973 00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:02,360 sense. That's lovely. 974 00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:06,040 It's really important to know that sometimes it is essential 975 00:53:06,040 --> 00:53:09,960 to mask is exhausting, but it is essential. 976 00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:13,280 And if you are in a place over Christmas, whether that's in 977 00:53:13,280 --> 00:53:15,800 work parties, if that's in your home, if that's with your 978 00:53:15,800 --> 00:53:18,200 family, like there's no shame in that. 979 00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:21,240 You need to do what you need to do to get through it, but be 980 00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:24,240 really kind to yourself because it is exhausting and it is 981 00:53:24,840 --> 00:53:28,520 infuriating, disappointing, distressing, and all the rest of 982 00:53:28,520 --> 00:53:30,280 it. Try not to feel bad, for feeling 983 00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:33,320 bad is bad enough to feel bad. Don't hate yourself twice, hey? 984 00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:36,960 Which is is often easier said than done, but just know that 985 00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:41,040 even in those moments where you do feel incredibly isolated, you 986 00:53:41,040 --> 00:53:44,200 really are not alone. Sometimes you can preserve more 987 00:53:44,200 --> 00:53:48,800 energy by masking when you can. If you mask with certain people 988 00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:51,400 and you do your surface chat, that doesn't bring you as much 989 00:53:51,400 --> 00:53:54,240 nourishment as long as you've got the right people that you 990 00:53:54,240 --> 00:53:56,400 can. Fully unmasked with That's why 991 00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:59,800 we've had a Christmas Day Zoom the last, what, three years and. 992 00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:03,280 Yeah, so in the community, the Patreon peer support community, 993 00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:07,080 we always do Christmas Day Zoom so that people can top up their 994 00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:12,120 cup of, of being there fully unmasked, too muchness, whatever 995 00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:14,840 they are, Emotionalness, however they're feeling on the day. 996 00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:19,120 And for anyone who is actually alone on the day, we're either 997 00:54:19,120 --> 00:54:22,480 out of choice or not that we can have that connection and have a 998 00:54:22,480 --> 00:54:25,680 little chin wagon or know that the leopard print army, we are 999 00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:29,080 all in in it together, even if just for that little while on 1000 00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:31,360 the day. Also just to quickly say as 1001 00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:36,400 well, with the Patreon community I believe you can use access to 1002 00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:39,400 work because it's considered peer support. 1003 00:54:39,680 --> 00:54:42,400 So just to mention. If you're struggling, get your 1004 00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:46,000 access to work sorted and it'll pay for it and you will not 1005 00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:47,120 regret it. I. 1006 00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:51,120 Think also communities that you belong to, whether it's Discord 1007 00:54:51,120 --> 00:54:54,760 or other groups, even it's just coming in and putting a text in 1008 00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:57,600 saying they're driving me mad. It's just a really good way to 1009 00:54:57,600 --> 00:55:00,800 vent or just really say it for you to continue the day. 1010 00:55:00,800 --> 00:55:03,960 If you can't, you want to be on Zoom with other people that get 1011 00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:07,040 you, but just sometimes nipping off to the loo and just putting 1012 00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:10,160 a random message in other people just get that as well. 1013 00:55:10,160 --> 00:55:13,120 And I've been able to do that and know that you're you're not 1014 00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:15,920 being dragged away from this thing that you've got to be out, 1015 00:55:15,920 --> 00:55:17,320 but you've still got people going. 1016 00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:18,760 Yeah, we get it. We get it. 1017 00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:20,800 Have you seen the film Human Traffic? 1018 00:55:20,960 --> 00:55:23,360 Obviously any of the ravers listening will have seen Human 1019 00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:25,960 Traffic. Danny Dyer's character has been 1020 00:55:25,960 --> 00:55:29,600 out raving and he sat down at Sunday lunch dinner table with 1021 00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:33,040 his family and he's just not, not in a good way. 1022 00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:37,120 And he just completely blips out and he's just like, who the 1023 00:55:37,480 --> 00:55:38,360 fuck? Yeah. 1024 00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:41,360 Like just shouting at them. Like, just like literally 1025 00:55:41,520 --> 00:55:44,160 everything that like your internally screaming is just 1026 00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:46,960 pouring out of his mouth that his parents and I just. 1027 00:55:48,080 --> 00:55:51,240 And I just always think that at some point that is what I'm 1028 00:55:51,240 --> 00:55:54,440 going to do. Well, this Christmas anyway, 1029 00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:57,840 which actually brings me to the next category, is going to be 1030 00:55:57,840 --> 00:55:59,960 really, really tough. It's the first Christmas without 1031 00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:02,680 my mum. This time last year was when she 1032 00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,440 got sick and I'm not actually allowed to say too much. 1033 00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:07,240 But as I said before, believe me, I will. 1034 00:56:07,600 --> 00:56:13,040 That whole period of time, the whole Christmas period was just 1035 00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:16,080 a nightmare. And so I'm very traumatized by 1036 00:56:16,080 --> 00:56:20,040 the experiences of this time last year, let alone the 1037 00:56:20,040 --> 00:56:23,200 crescendo, the grand finale of, of what actually happened. 1038 00:56:23,680 --> 00:56:26,760 So yeah, it's always going to be a difficult, a difficult 1039 00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:29,520 Christmas. Everything's been difficult this 1040 00:56:29,520 --> 00:56:31,520 year, even if it doesn't look like it. 1041 00:56:31,520 --> 00:56:35,520 I've kind of realized that because I am feeling things so 1042 00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:41,120 much, I have kept myself. Oh, I've decided to decline 1043 00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:44,800 every very kind Christmas offer that I've had. 1044 00:56:45,240 --> 00:56:50,360 So I've been offered to stay in Australia, America, Scotland. 1045 00:56:50,360 --> 00:56:52,680 I've literally got people all around me. 1046 00:56:52,680 --> 00:56:56,040 My in laws are in France, I've got invitations coming out of my 1047 00:56:56,040 --> 00:56:58,760 backside. But I've decided not to. 1048 00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:03,680 And in part that's because I still, all these years into my 1049 00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:07,040 late Discovery Safari, feel like a bit of a burden. 1050 00:57:07,120 --> 00:57:11,000 It's a tiny little whisper, which I manage by being very 1051 00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:14,480 helpful and very enthusiastic and making the drinks and taking 1052 00:57:14,480 --> 00:57:16,880 the bins out. And I'm absolutely fine. 1053 00:57:16,880 --> 00:57:19,680 And I'll do that and I'll tap dance out of every room, but it 1054 00:57:19,680 --> 00:57:23,640 still creeps in no matter how much I do, I start to feel like 1055 00:57:23,640 --> 00:57:27,080 I'm taking up space in somebody's house and I and I and 1056 00:57:27,080 --> 00:57:30,360 I can't bear it anymore. I just literally leave someone's 1057 00:57:30,360 --> 00:57:33,760 house. Like just, I'm sorry, I've run 1058 00:57:33,800 --> 00:57:37,680 away in an RS2 puddle. But now with this grief, I 1059 00:57:37,680 --> 00:57:41,280 realize that I'm going to be double performative because I 1060 00:57:41,280 --> 00:57:43,960 don't want to in anybody's Christmas by being upset. 1061 00:57:44,240 --> 00:57:47,440 Inevitably, at some point, I will be upset. 1062 00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:50,720 So yeah, I decided to stay home by myself. 1063 00:57:50,720 --> 00:57:52,840 I made this massive decision that I was going to go to Saint 1064 00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:55,800 Paul's Cathedral in the morning just because I could happen to 1065 00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:57,240 beg. Happen to beg? 1066 00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:00,360 And go and volunteer for a couple of hours so I could be 1067 00:58:00,360 --> 00:58:02,200 useful. And I sat down. 1068 00:58:02,200 --> 00:58:04,240 I was like, I've made this decision and it's the best 1069 00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:06,160 decision. It's really grown up. 1070 00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:08,960 Everyone's parents die if you live that long. 1071 00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:12,040 I am a grown up now and this is the right thing to do. 1072 00:58:12,040 --> 00:58:15,880 How brave and bold of me. I suddenly realize the other 1073 00:58:15,880 --> 00:58:19,680 side of the coin, which might be that I'm just isolating myself 1074 00:58:19,680 --> 00:58:21,680 in grief. And a friend of mine actually 1075 00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:25,080 cried on the phone and she said why won't you let people take 1076 00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:28,360 care of you? And it made me feel really bad. 1077 00:58:29,040 --> 00:58:31,640 Sorry, violence. I've got to a point where I've 1078 00:58:31,640 --> 00:58:33,760 realized that I can have the best of both. 1079 00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:37,800 So a friend of a friend has asked me to mind her cats in 1080 00:58:37,800 --> 00:58:41,240 Ibiza. So what that means is I get not 1081 00:58:41,240 --> 00:58:44,040 just some sunshine and some beach walks and actually won't 1082 00:58:44,040 --> 00:58:45,680 be set alone because I have two animals. 1083 00:58:45,680 --> 00:58:48,560 Careful. But also I've got loads of 1084 00:58:48,560 --> 00:58:51,640 things I've been invited to. And it also means that I have my 1085 00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:53,920 own space to retreat to so I don't have to feel like a 1086 00:58:53,920 --> 00:58:56,240 massive pain in the ass. All I have to do is not lose a 1087 00:58:56,240 --> 00:59:00,080 cat. So yeah, my next point is grief, 1088 00:59:00,080 --> 00:59:03,040 one of the core triggers for myself and many at this time of 1089 00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:04,640 year. God, I didn't even know what I 1090 00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:05,880 had. Coming to me when I wrote that 1091 00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:09,960 in 2023 is nostalgia. Reflecting on previous years 1092 00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:13,440 leads to remembering ghosts of Christmas times gone by. 1093 00:59:13,880 --> 00:59:16,840 This can rub salt in the wound, causing grief to those who are 1094 00:59:16,840 --> 00:59:20,280 no longer in our lives. Alongside this, receiving a 1095 00:59:20,280 --> 00:59:23,960 diagnosis like ADHD later in life has been likened to 1096 00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:26,080 Elizabeth Kubler Ross's grief cycle. 1097 00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:29,360 Obviously, in this space we see it more as a roller coaster, 1098 00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:32,400 experiencing different stages of grief at different times in no 1099 00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:35,520 linear order or cycle, twisting and turning and sometimes 1100 00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:38,520 changing on the hour. If you are feeling griefy, 1101 00:59:38,760 --> 00:59:41,200 please know that you are not alone. 1102 00:59:41,240 --> 00:59:43,400 I don't have either of my parents anymore. 1103 00:59:45,920 --> 00:59:47,640 Trump. Don't show off. 1104 00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:51,880 My dad's been gone. Oh God, I don't bloody know, 1105 00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:54,400 like 12 years, something like that. 1106 00:59:54,440 --> 00:59:57,280 My mum was a couple of years, dad was a vicar. 1107 00:59:57,440 --> 01:00:01,600 So obviously Christmas, that's quite a lot of. 1108 01:00:04,080 --> 01:00:08,080 So I think there's probably some stuff that I don't do even 1109 01:00:08,080 --> 01:00:13,320 though I want to do so, like going to midnight Mass or. 1110 01:00:13,560 --> 01:00:16,960 You don't go stay. No, because it's really too 1111 01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:19,280 upsetting. And I keep saying, oh, I'm 1112 01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:21,760 definitely going to do it, and then I just don't. 1113 01:00:22,120 --> 01:00:25,240 So maybe this year will be the one, maybe it won't. 1114 01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:27,600 Play it by ear. Yeah, exactly. 1115 01:00:27,600 --> 01:00:30,520 I don't really remember what Christmas was really like as a 1116 01:00:30,520 --> 01:00:33,320 kid, other than looking under the Christmas tree and reading 1117 01:00:33,320 --> 01:00:37,120 labels on presents. And that's what I do. 1118 01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:42,440 Make sure I, I say that what I always in my head say is I'm 1119 01:00:42,440 --> 01:00:45,360 going to make sure that I've got all the Christmas presents under 1120 01:00:45,360 --> 01:00:48,720 the tree for like a few days before Christmas so that my kids 1121 01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:51,280 can do the same thing. Do I ever do that? 1122 01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:54,560 Christmas Eve, 2:00 in the morning, Right. 1123 01:00:55,600 --> 01:00:59,000 That's my griefy randomness. There are a lot of good 1124 01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:01,400 charities out there doing great things for people who are 1125 01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:03,680 grieving. So it'll be all sorts of 1126 01:01:03,680 --> 01:01:07,960 resources in the show notes. And like Ruth said, you can 1127 01:01:07,960 --> 01:01:11,200 honor somebody, but you don't have to go all the way down the 1128 01:01:11,200 --> 01:01:13,520 rabbit hole in a way that's going to harm yourself. 1129 01:01:13,760 --> 01:01:16,080 You know, I absolutely think that's brilliant. 1130 01:01:16,520 --> 01:01:20,360 So what can we do? In conclusion, we want you to 1131 01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:24,880 remember that self diagnosis is valid in identifying your ADHD 1132 01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:26,840 traits. You can figure out what your 1133 01:01:26,840 --> 01:01:31,000 unique struggles are in order to put systems in place to best 1134 01:01:31,000 --> 01:01:36,160 support yourself. If you hate Christmas, don't do 1135 01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:39,520 it at all. You don't have to do anything, 1136 01:01:39,520 --> 01:01:43,920 go anywhere, be with anyone, eat or drink anything that you don't 1137 01:01:43,920 --> 01:01:47,280 want to. Communicate your struggles. 1138 01:01:47,600 --> 01:01:50,800 If you don't feel comfortable divulging ADHD, you can give a 1139 01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:53,680 different reason for not buying presents this year or needing to 1140 01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:56,880 take time out. Break tradition If you're 1141 01:01:56,880 --> 01:02:00,360 feeling overwhelmed or are financially struggling, suggest 1142 01:02:00,360 --> 01:02:02,120 alternative plans in the new year. 1143 01:02:02,120 --> 01:02:05,560 You don't have to see everyone in a couple of weeks. 1144 01:02:06,600 --> 01:02:11,000 Ask for help if perfectionism and societal pressures has you 1145 01:02:11,000 --> 01:02:15,480 stuck in task paralysis. Body doubling is brain magic. 1146 01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:17,200 We can all testify to that, right? 1147 01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:20,280 Definitely. It's three years of the online 1148 01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:22,920 peer support community this month so. 1149 01:02:23,560 --> 01:02:27,400 Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, body doubling for three 1150 01:02:27,400 --> 01:02:30,640 years. I was just about I have to work 1151 01:02:30,680 --> 01:02:32,400 out how many hours that equates to. 1152 01:02:32,920 --> 01:02:36,240 Well, it'll be three years in January of daily body doubling 1153 01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:37,160 at 7:00 AM. We did. 1154 01:02:37,320 --> 01:02:39,800 There's been a couple of bank holidays, but aside from that. 1155 01:02:39,800 --> 01:02:42,760 Yeah, not many, yeah. Not many in three years. 1156 01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:45,880 You don't have to explain why you need that support. 1157 01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:49,120 You could just invite someone out Christmas shopping or to 1158 01:02:49,120 --> 01:02:52,680 your house over Zoom to wrap presents, write cards or prepare 1159 01:02:52,680 --> 01:02:55,040 food. You can make it something fun. 1160 01:02:55,120 --> 01:03:01,120 She's he says like Mary Poppins shut up spit swaps lean into 1161 01:03:01,120 --> 01:03:05,280 ADHD community peer support is invaluable. 1162 01:03:05,640 --> 01:03:09,400 I see no to God not only this charity, but yeah, which led to 1163 01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:11,920 this charity. I would not still be standing if 1164 01:03:11,920 --> 01:03:14,800 it wasn't for you all. Genuinely don't look like peer 1165 01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:17,040 support is. Absolutely I am actually going 1166 01:03:17,120 --> 01:03:21,400 to. We were doing so well, Laura. 1167 01:03:23,920 --> 01:03:26,800 In connecting with others who share similar experiences, we 1168 01:03:26,800 --> 01:03:29,960 feel validated and know that we are not alone. 1169 01:03:31,080 --> 01:03:35,320 So the final point is, it is your Christmas too. 1170 01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:39,920 This is the big one. Do not set yourself on fire to 1171 01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:44,120 keep others warm. Give yourself permission to have 1172 01:03:44,120 --> 01:03:47,600 a Christmas that you actually want and that will make you feel 1173 01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:51,320 good. Your feelings are valid, you 1174 01:03:51,480 --> 01:03:57,480 matter, and ADHD is real. Well done for kids together, 1175 01:03:57,480 --> 01:04:00,920 yeah. I can suck in through the 1176 01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:03,240 eyeballs after many years of practice. 1177 01:04:03,480 --> 01:04:07,440 That is my actual superpower, not ADHD. 1178 01:04:10,600 --> 01:04:11,720 Love it. No, I. 1179 01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:15,200 Honestly, this group has been like you say, Laura. 1180 01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:18,120 It's like a friendship that we've never known before. 1181 01:04:18,120 --> 01:04:20,480 We've come together and we just get it. 1182 01:04:20,640 --> 01:04:22,000 Amazing. Chasing. 1183 01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:24,200 Probably. Yeah, it's some of the stuff 1184 01:04:24,200 --> 01:04:27,680 does feel like it's massively shifting because of being with 1185 01:04:27,680 --> 01:04:31,040 just bit of feelings. So yes, so understood. 1186 01:04:31,640 --> 01:04:35,520 Just be able to express it for the first time or recognize it 1187 01:04:35,520 --> 01:04:37,680 for the first time in a lot of our lives. 1188 01:04:37,680 --> 01:04:42,360 Just that whole relief. How many podcasts finish with 1189 01:04:42,360 --> 01:04:45,680 the four people all in tears in some way, shape or 4? 1190 01:04:46,320 --> 01:04:49,400 Nearly last night. Completely still in the. 1191 01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:51,320 Meeting. Why? 1192 01:04:51,320 --> 01:04:52,520 What did I say? I just. 1193 01:04:53,120 --> 01:04:54,840 You must say I can't even remember. 1194 01:04:55,400 --> 01:04:59,000 I think that was just keep you saying like how much work we've 1195 01:04:59,000 --> 01:05:02,360 put into now yarn loads. Just like, yeah. 1196 01:05:02,520 --> 01:05:05,480 Sweetheart. Yeah, that was kind of the bare 1197 01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:08,200 bones of the live shows. They're really special to me, 1198 01:05:08,200 --> 01:05:10,840 those shows, like, really? And they're special for the 1199 01:05:10,840 --> 01:05:13,640 location. That was a lot of work. 1200 01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:17,200 And actually I think if anything that we can directly look at has 1201 01:05:17,200 --> 01:05:21,480 so informed the charity. Like really knew how much I 1202 01:05:21,480 --> 01:05:24,440 struggled with Christmas. Found out that other people did, 1203 01:05:24,440 --> 01:05:25,880 brought a load of people together. 1204 01:05:26,160 --> 01:05:28,640 Realize a lot of people didn't have people in their local. 1205 01:05:28,960 --> 01:05:31,120 Yeah. And the importance of bringing 1206 01:05:31,120 --> 01:05:34,480 people together. So if you do have a peer support 1207 01:05:34,480 --> 01:05:37,320 group, if we've set one up, please do go. 1208 01:05:37,440 --> 01:05:40,400 It's a really special thing to connect with others, especially 1209 01:05:40,680 --> 01:05:43,920 at this really overwhelming what can be to bring, which can be 1210 01:05:43,920 --> 01:05:46,520 magical, but can be really disappointing and dysregulating 1211 01:05:46,520 --> 01:05:49,960 time of year do go along. And if we haven't got one near 1212 01:05:49,960 --> 01:05:52,160 you, I hope you've enjoyed this episode. 1213 01:05:52,400 --> 01:05:55,600 Please connect with others, even just in online spaces. 1214 01:05:55,600 --> 01:05:59,160 And that's not a plug for the Patreon peer support community, 1215 01:05:59,160 --> 01:06:03,240 although you really should join it because I think any ADHD 1216 01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:07,200 creative platform probably hates me for how cheap that is, for 1217 01:06:07,200 --> 01:06:09,560 what you get. But it's, it's just a really 1218 01:06:09,560 --> 01:06:12,200 special space where you can connect with people. 1219 01:06:12,200 --> 01:06:15,920 But if you can't afford it, then there are so many spaces. 1220 01:06:15,920 --> 01:06:18,880 There's Reddit, there's Facebook, there's all sorts of 1221 01:06:18,880 --> 01:06:22,320 communities that you can join. Please do do that because it is 1222 01:06:22,320 --> 01:06:24,480 literally what's kept us all upright. 1223 01:06:24,760 --> 01:06:28,240 And I just want to say as well, have a look at ADHDF Emporium 1224 01:06:28,240 --> 01:06:31,960 this Christmas, please. Conceptually is my idea. 1225 01:06:31,960 --> 01:06:34,280 And it's the podcast that has got us there. 1226 01:06:34,520 --> 01:06:37,720 But it is Steph that's worked really, really hard behind the 1227 01:06:37,720 --> 01:06:39,920 scenes. She's the person that's snoring 1228 01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:43,080 products, that's posting it, and she's making stuff. 1229 01:06:43,360 --> 01:06:44,880 Look at the amazing print candle. 1230 01:06:44,880 --> 01:06:48,520 But it would really be very special to any of our makers and 1231 01:06:48,520 --> 01:06:51,800 to us if you did shop near a Divergent this Christmas, not 1232 01:06:51,800 --> 01:06:54,640 only you supporting neurodivergent makers and small 1233 01:06:54,640 --> 01:06:58,080 businesses, but 10% of all profits go to our charity. 1234 01:06:58,080 --> 01:07:00,720 This hat is from ADHDF employment. 1235 01:07:00,720 --> 01:07:02,160 It's literally handmade by Steph. 1236 01:07:02,160 --> 01:07:03,680 Come on, it's. Cool, I love those. 1237 01:07:04,120 --> 01:07:07,600 Prince Santa, we've got Christmas cards, we've got all 1238 01:07:07,600 --> 01:07:10,360 sorts. And yeah, you will literally be 1239 01:07:10,360 --> 01:07:13,840 paying money towards the very support groups that we're 1240 01:07:13,840 --> 01:07:16,720 talking about. So it is just a big bubble of 1241 01:07:16,720 --> 01:07:20,760 festive love. Or you could make a donation to 1242 01:07:20,800 --> 01:07:24,200 ADHDF Plus charity directly, which would be wonderful. 1243 01:07:24,320 --> 01:07:27,760 We're doing a lot of good work and we've got so, so, so much to 1244 01:07:27,760 --> 01:07:30,200 come in the new year. And like I say, if you want to 1245 01:07:30,200 --> 01:07:33,280 watch the digital download, a fiver from each copy goes to the 1246 01:07:33,280 --> 01:07:35,440 Chazzer. Head to the link in in show 1247 01:07:35,440 --> 01:07:37,760 notes and have a look at all of them links. 1248 01:07:37,760 --> 01:07:39,880 And as I said, there are support links there too. 1249 01:07:39,880 --> 01:07:43,280 You really are not alone. I just wanted to wish everyone 1250 01:07:43,280 --> 01:07:46,280 not the Merry Christmas that they think they should have, but 1251 01:07:46,280 --> 01:07:49,720 whatever they would really like. I wish you a Merry Christmas. 1252 01:07:50,160 --> 01:07:52,560 To Christmas your way, folks. Merry Christmas. 1253 01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:56,480 To all holy night, let's say. All right, we're going. 1254 01:07:56,680 --> 01:07:58,360 Love you all. Thank you so much. 1255 01:07:58,360 --> 01:08:01,080 Merry Christmas, everyone. On the 12th