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Ladies and gents, it is 
corporate MILF back with another

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episode today I am going to try 
something a little bit new for 

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me and give this to you a bit 
like a rant. 

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So I want to talk about crash 
outs and potentially managing 

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your girl's feelings during this
time. 

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I'm speaking about this because 
I did just have a crash out 

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yesterday and I had a crash out 
a few weeks ago. 

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And it's kind of that time of 
year when people lose their shit

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because it's the holidays. 
And it just brings everything up

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to the surface of where your 
life currently is, what you've 

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accomplished over the course of 
the last year, where you're 

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heading. 
And it's also an opportunity to 

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evaluate where you are in your 
life. 

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And I think that a lot of people
will reach a point or have or or

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are there where there are 
certain parts of your life that 

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you are displeased with and 
still working on. 

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And something I have come to 
find out about my crash outs is 

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that they are a combination of 
the things that I'm really 

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frustrated with that I'm 
currently start still working 

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through. 
They always include some level 

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of pity for myself, just being 
honest and it's combined with 

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frustration and anger and 
usually some level of tiredness,

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shall we say. 
So I did have this kind of crash

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out yesterday and it's 
unfortunate in a way of how I 

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express it at this point in my 
journey. 

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I'm still working on it because 
when I get frustrated, it comes 

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out typically in anger. 
There's some kind of like bubble

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up moment for me where it all 
just explodes and I don't know 

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why it has to go from zero to 
100 with me. 

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But what it feels like is I'm 
good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm 

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living, I'm doing my thing. 
And then I just have a moment 

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where I'm like, Oh my God, this 
all is rough as fuck. 

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But I have learned, or at least 
I saw in evidence with my crash 

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out yesterday, that it was 
pretty mild. 

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And while I did surface a lot of
the very dark thoughts that I 

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have, it was a very different 
experience than feeling those 

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dark thoughts when you're at the
bottom of the hole and you're 

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really like so deep in the hole 
that you got to claw your way 

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out. 
It was pretty mild, let's call 

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it like just under baseline for 
me. 

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But I feel like because I have 
dug these deep dark crevices in 

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my mind, it's once you dig your 
way down, it can not take too 

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much to sort of revive those 
thoughts, those really dark 

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thoughts. 
But I did feel like they didn't 

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define me yesterday when I was 
feeling them. 

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I felt able to work through 
them, not in the bottom of the 

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hole. 
And anyway, so the last two 

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crashes I had, one of them 
bubbled up with me screaming, 

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crying at the top of my lungs. 
Like in this angry way. 

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Like I would say it's like this 
screaming feeling like when 

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you're just not being heard. 
You're not being heard and 

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you're just like, can you hear 
what I'm saying if I'm 

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screaming, which the answer is 
not always, of course. 

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Now being heard during a crash 
out with your girlfriend, let's 

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say she's having a crash out as 
I did yesterday. 

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There is a way of hearing what 
it is that the person's saying 

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and addressing it as it's coming
up that can really quiet the 

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anger. 
I'll just give you an example of

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what this looked like yesterday.
I was having this crazy lash 

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out. 
If you saw my TikTok, it was 

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like, you know, I saw someone's 
post online that was like 

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somebody had passed away 
unexpectedly. 

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And I remember about a year ago 
seeing something like this on 

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Facebook where mom passed away. 
And at the time, I was real 

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deep. 
I was real deep in the heart in 

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the pain locker. 
And at that time I was like, 

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wow, I felt very jealous. 
And now I had seen that post 

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yesterday and it did trigger 
that thought for me. 

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And so I did talk about it. 
But there's a difference between

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like feeling it and OK. 
There's like a kind of like how 

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they say if like someone's 
autistic, it's like there's a 

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spectrum of it, right? 
Like you don't have to be like 

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at 100 or 0. 
You can have these experiences 

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like throughout the spectrum. 
I would say that this was 

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reviving of thought that I've 
had that I felt more deeply in 

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the past, but it did surface for
me. 

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I did have these thoughts. 
Like I don't even know what I'm 

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doing with men at this point. 
Like what is it I even want? 

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Like beyond I'm just sort of 
capturing all the things I was 

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bugging out about yesterday. 
What is it I even want with a 

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man? 
Because the core of what I want 

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is a good intimate relationship 
that is loving and emotionally 

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supportive. 
But I started to think to 

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myself, like, is there a bigger 
picture of what I'm looking for 

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in a partner? 
And also, if there is a bigger 

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picture, at what point do you 
need to start to say, I can't 

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get all the things I need to get
from my partner. 

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I need to outsource some of 
this. 

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I need to fill my own cup with 
the things I'm looking for. 

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Anyway, there's that. 
And then I was also having this 

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bug out moment. 
Like, you know, if it wasn't for

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my kids, if it wasn't for my 
duty to fund them, then really 

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what's the point in me being 
here? 

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And I have kind of thought about
this sometimes, like did I have 

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kids in my pre plan, in my soul 
planning on my way down here so 

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that I wouldn't cut the cord on 
myself because I feel like maybe

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in a past life I did. 
And this is like my freaking 

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relive moment where it's like 
you're tempted so many times to 

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just be like, Get Me Out of 
here, but you know, you simply 

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cannot. 
I went pretty deep in the hole, 

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like it was like a couple years 
ago. 

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And I really entertained the 
thought. 

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And I found myself entertaining 
the thought for about a month, 

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month and a half. 
And as I did, I found that my 

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thoughts and my urges got 
stronger and stronger and 

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stronger. 
And I finally realized I can't 

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actually follow through with 
this because I have to actually 

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just be here, you know, for my 
kids. 

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I can't cut the cord like that. 
So I will say that was sort of 

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an interesting process because I
went down the whole I went down 

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the whole explored the thoughts 
and I realized I cannot, I 

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actually cannot do this. 
So that has helped because I 

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have not even really entertained
any thoughts around it. 

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Like I had these thoughts to 
surface like, oh, poor me, this 

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sucks. 
But there's a difference between

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thinking about it and saying it 
and like being at the point 

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where you actually want to do 
something about it. 

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So many things, so many things. 
Anyway, crash outs with your 

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girlfriend, I have come to 
realize that there's a couple of

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things that I need out of my 
partner which come from my own 

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deficiencies. 
And the crash outs is part of 

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that. 
And so I kind of want to talk 

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about that because I know for 
myself that I need emotional 

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support when I'm feeling low. 
A lot of times people really 

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only see me in public operating 
at like a high, joyful state. 

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But with the light comes the 
dark and I've got the dark, I've

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got the dark. 
But what I something I battled 

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with last year was I thought, if
I can just get out of the dark, 

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maybe I don't have to experience
it anymore. 

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And I came and I fought really 
hard. 

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I fought really hard to get 
myself out of the hole. 

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I brainwashed myself for a 
fucking year. 

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I'm not kidding you, because I 
was in so deep that I literally 

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had to tell myself these potent 
positive thoughts to rewire my 

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negative thinking. 
Anyway, I've come to embrace 

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that I contain both the light 
and the dark, and that's a very 

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different place to sit than 
thinking this is all or nothing.

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In other words, I am the dark or
I am the light. 

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So I feel this has given me 
quite a lot of peace because I 

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was able to express myself 
yesterday with some of these 

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dark thoughts that I've had or 
it was having at the moment. 

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And I had a couple friends reach
out to me. 

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And I did appreciate that 
because when I was feeling 

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actually real shitty and I 
wasn't expressing myself. 

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Course, no one reaches out to 
you because they don't know. 

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They don't know that you're 
going through a hard time, which

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goes back to my first rule, 
which is if you're having a hard

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time, ask for help. 
Anyway, they did reach out and 

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it was interesting because part 
of me felt like I had to be 

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like, no, I'm, I'm OK. 
Like, yeah, I'm having dark 

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mental thoughts, but like, I'm 
generally OK. 

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Like I'm generally stable. 
I'm generally a baseline. 

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It's almost like you got to 
prove to the other person like, 

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no, no, it's OK. 
Especially when they're like, 

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oh, I'm so worried about you. 
It's like I are you or you just 

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being patronizing. 
Do do you want to know the real 

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things that are going on in my 
brain because you just want to 

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clock it so you think you're 
better than me. 

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That was a thought that I had, 
but I've come to embrace the 

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fact that I have dark thoughts 
alongside the light ones. 

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And one thing I truly appreciate
about my partner is the ability 

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to listen to me without 
judgment, to hear what I'm 

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saying, to take action on it, to
sort of have a validating 

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conversation about what it 
whatever it is that I'm talking 

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about. 
And I feel I need that super 

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emotional support because I have
found myself so so so deep in 

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the hole that I had a very hard 
time coping by myself. 

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And while I don't feel like I'm 
in that spot now, I really do 

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truly appreciate when someone 
can pick me up because I kind of

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always feel like I am the one 
keeping the energy stable and 

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keeping the energy high. 
And I do. 

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But if I do that for like 9 days
in a row, I'm probably going to 

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have a crash out too. 
So fortunately or unfortunately 

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for my partner, they kind of 
have to embrace the fact that 

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I'm like mildly bipolar. 
And I say that with love because

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in some ways, sometimes you just
wish you could get diagnosed 

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with things because you know it 
would sort of validate your 

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fucked up Ness. 
I know that I have manic swings.

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I know that I have depressive 
swings. 

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Do I have the level that 
captured as bipolar? 

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No, and I'm glad I don't. 
But if you look at the spectrum,

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I don't know, are my are my 
emotions just normal swings or 

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they kind of a little outside of
the spectrum? 

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This is something I don't really
know. 

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I can't really define that. 
But I do appreciate being with a

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partner who can pick me up when 
I'm feeling really low. 

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And crash outs can really go in 
the opposite way too. 

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They can go real bad in the 
opposite way. 

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And I feel like if you can't 
manage someone's crash out not. 

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And it's not like you have to go
manage someone's crash out. 

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But if he came to me in a 
totally different light 

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yesterday, it could have just 
been like, he could have just 

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been like, you know what, fuck 
it. 

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I don't want to deal with this. 
I don't want to deal with your 

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emotions. 
And he could have treated it in 

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a different way that would have 
made him feel more, you know, 

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like demagnetized to me. 
And same for me. 

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But he didn't. 
He heard me in a way that 

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actually made me end up feeling 
closer to him. 

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I'm going to take that as a win.
I think that's a huge win. 

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Anyway, on crash outs. 
On crash outs, I'm going to 

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continue here because again, I'm
going to rant. 

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So for a really long time, I 
didn't even know what a crash 

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out was. 
I feel like online and people 

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talking about the way they feel 
has helped me tremendously and 

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begin to understand and accept 
the different ways that I feel. 

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I didn't really know that a lot 
of people had crash outs. 

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I thought I was just depressed. 
I thought I was fucked up. 

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I thought I was, I don't know, 
different and I don't know if I 

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am or not, but I'm pretty sure 
other people have crash outs. 

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So I will describe my journey 
with them. 

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So a couple of years when like 
everything was going to shit in 

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my life. 
Like the one thing that was 

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going well was my routine. 
And the reason it was going well

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is because I pushed myself very 
hard to have a good routine 

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because I knew I had to get 
myself into a more elite place 

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for myself, elite body, elite 
habits, that kind of stuff. 

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So I was pretty intense on the 
whole concept of 75 Hard for a 

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while. 
I'd listen to Andy Frisella like

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twice a day and listen to all 
his case studies on the people 

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who did it. 
You know, walking every single 

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day, working out every single 
day, hitting my nutrition, 

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00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,200
praying every single night, 
having a gratitude process, 

224
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:49,120
literally waking up in the 
morning being like, God, It's 

225
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,480
going to be a great day. 
God, please, please help me 

226
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:57,160
protect my energy today. 
Those are two things I would 

227
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:07,080
always say so. 
So my practice was very, very 

228
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:13,120
rigorous to the point where it 
was almost beating myself up, 

229
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:17,280
beating myself up for how 
fucking mad I was at myself, 

230
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,200
which you can do in the gym. 
You can like go do drop sets 

231
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,920
until you cry. 
And if you haven't done that, I 

232
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:27,880
really highly suggest you try it
because it's really somatic in 

233
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,200
its release. 
And I think that's why probably 

234
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,520
at least half the people are in 
the gym because they're angry as

235
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:37,760
fuck or they're mad as fuck and 
they're so fucking mad at 

236
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:41,720
themselves or they're so mad at 
their situation, they're so sad 

237
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,440
that they're trying to get it 
out. 

238
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,160
Anyway. 
So I was beating up pretty hard 

239
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,840
on myself so I wouldn't really 
take a day off because I was 

240
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,880
kind of in fuck you mode. 
And it was like, fuck you 

241
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,720
towards myself and also fuck you
towards everything else in my 

242
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,920
life. 
Like literally this all sucks. 

243
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,840
Like fuck this whole thing. 
But the other side of it is 

244
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:05,599
like, dude, it, it takes a 
minute for me to recover these 

245
00:17:05,599 --> 00:17:08,560
days. 
Like I, I'm just now like next 

246
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:12,640
week getting my blood work done,
which is ridiculous. 

247
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,880
I should have gotten that 
sooner, but I am just now going 

248
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:20,560
to explore the things like 
peptides and testosterone and 

249
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:26,000
HRT and like stuff like that for
like female balancing of 

250
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:31,800
hormones anyway. 
Where is I going with that? 

251
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:36,440
We're talking about crash outs. 
So I would burn myself out 

252
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:41,760
super, super hard. 
And the recovery, I mean, even 

253
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:46,200
when I was 30, when I was doing 
my Iron Man's, I realized I am 

254
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,680
not freaking invincible because 
after however many workouts, I 

255
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:53,280
was so exhausted. 
So exhausted. 

256
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,800
So I would basically run myself 
into the ground until I actually

257
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,480
couldn't move anymore because I 
was so fucking depressed that on

258
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:05,120
my days off, they were all about
blame, shame, resentment, you 

259
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,280
know, wanting to off myself like
on repeat. 

260
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,920
And I had no fucking source of 
dopamine. 

261
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,960
I hadn't like, had AI, didn't 
have a relationship. 

262
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,480
I had no comfort. 
You know, I, there was just, I 

263
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:21,920
had no way to comfort myself 
outside of working out. 

264
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:27,000
And so I had to learn how to 
take a rest. 

265
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:33,240
I had to learn how to not shame 
myself during rest. 

266
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:41,520
And I had to learn that it was 
OK if I was depressed, if I was 

267
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,960
having a moment. 
And I had to do a lot of work 

268
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,600
to, to figure out how to move 
myself in and out of these 

269
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,440
spaces of being depressed 
because for a really long time, 

270
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:55,520
if I was in that zone, my brain 
was so almost split so that I 

271
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,360
couldn't see my way out. 
I could not see my way out. 

272
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,840
So if I was in a super depressed
mood, I thought I was going to 

273
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,600
be there forever. 
And I was like, I'm done. 

274
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,760
And if I thought I was in a 
super good mood, I was like, 

275
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,840
what the hell, Why was I so 
upset yesterday? 

276
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:16,080
I'm good now. 
I thought I could just hold 1 

277
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:22,840
space and I came to realize that
an ebb and flow of emotion was 

278
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,480
OK. 
I didn't at the time know how to

279
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,280
express myself really. 
It's still something that I'm 

280
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,840
working on. 
I'm still working on expressing 

281
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:36,160
my needs and desires and 
frustrations to, you know, my 

282
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:45,120
partner as an example. 
So expression is a big part of 

283
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:51,320
it, moving through emotions. 
And just as much as everyone 

284
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,720
says get up and move, get up, do
10 squats. 

285
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,320
Like I had a life coach and 
she's like, what if you, you 

286
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,200
know, if you're feeling 
depressed or like you can't get 

287
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,800
started on a task, What if you 
just stand up and do 5 jumping 

288
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,920
squats? 
And The thing is, is that 

289
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,400
probably works for a lot of 
people, but like, not for 

290
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,320
someone who's literally the only
thing they can do for their 

291
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:15,640
dopamine is exercise. 
I had to find other sources for 

292
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:21,680
myself, which when you look 
around at the sources, sex is 

293
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,120
one of them, working out is one 
of them. 

294
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,840
If you can find that you're 
successful at work, that's one 

295
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:29,600
of them. 
But guess what? 

296
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,840
I was pretty much fucking 
failing on all fucking fours at 

297
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:42,080
work, so that was not an option.
So crash outs, learning how to 

298
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:46,400
rest, learning how to release 
the tensions in your body, in 

299
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:54,160
your muscles, in your mind. 
And this is the path of healing,

300
00:20:54,160 --> 00:21:02,160
I think is learning to accept 
yourself the way that you are. 

301
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,720
I'm not going to lie, I did have
to justify a lot of my thoughts.

302
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:09,960
I did have to do a lot of mind 
bending work in order to find 

303
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:15,520
peace and acceptance with things
like the way I look, what my 

304
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,480
body looks like, what my 
performance looks like. 

305
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,160
The fact that some days I'm on a
high and some days if you look 

306
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,840
at me, I've got a blank stare 
and I literally can't speak 

307
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,440
because I'm crashed the fuck 
out. 

308
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:33,440
And I had to be like, that's OK.
And I had to teach my boyfriend 

309
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,960
if I'm not up all the time, you 
know, 'cause he'd come over and 

310
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,360
he's like, I don't understand. 
Like, why are you like kind of 

311
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:43,120
being shitty today, you know, or
whatever in a low mood. 

312
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,600
And I'm just like, yo, I can't 
give you more. 

313
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:52,520
Like you have to learn to accept
the highs when they come and to 

314
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:58,280
work with me on the lows because
at this point I am still on the 

315
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:02,120
roller coaster of life and 
having somebody around you can 

316
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,600
accept that is really helpful. 
I'd say even like me and my 

317
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:09,800
ex-husband, we, we didn't learn 
that about each other for 

318
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,120
fucking 12 years, 12 years. 
If one of us was in a shitty 

319
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:17,360
mood, then it was like a whole 
thing. 

320
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:21,760
Now if one of us is in a shitty 
mood, you know, he'll check in 

321
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,440
and just be like, are you, are 
you OK? 

322
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,360
Do you need anything? 
And I'll be like, no, I'll be 

323
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,200
like, I just need space. 
And he's like, OK, cool. 

324
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,000
And he won't, he'll just like 
leave me alone. 

325
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:36,040
Now, other relationships in my 
life, I won't name names will be

326
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:41,520
like so critical of me in that 
state of mind, like very 

327
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,840
judgmental and more because they
don't understand it. 

328
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,520
And frankly, I haven't 
understood it up until this 

329
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,640
point in my life. 
I'm fucking 46. 

330
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:54,120
I didn't understand that this 
was OK. 

331
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:58,360
You know, I used to really get 
upset about myself for not being

332
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,680
able to deliver a certain level 
of consistency that I would like

333
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,920
to show myself. 
And as you can see if you follow

334
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,520
me online, I'm pretty fucking 
consistent in the gym. 

335
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:12,440
But I have found with myself 
that I do struggle with 

336
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,600
consistency in other areas of my
life. 

337
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,320
And I was always like, why can't
I just bring it up? 

338
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,440
Why can't I be elite in every 
area? 

339
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:22,800
And then I just realized it's 
ridiculous. 

340
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,760
Nobody can be elite in every 
single area. 

341
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,280
No one can have all the answers.
That's part of why I started 

342
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,480
this pod. 
I had to finally realize, oh, I 

343
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,960
kept seeking more information, 
more answers so that I could 

344
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:40,320
finally talk to you about my 
point of view. 

345
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:44,480
And I realized, guess what? 
No one is going to be the 

346
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,280
expert. 
I'm never going to have all the 

347
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,320
information. 
So I'm just going to basically 

348
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,800
share it as I feel it today. 
And the thing that I've realized

349
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,800
about myself, I do evolve over 
time. 

350
00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:02,480
My views change drastically. 
Actually, sometimes the people 

351
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,440
I've dated have been very 
confused by me because they're 

352
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,520
like, I don't understand. 
You say one thing and then like 

353
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,320
you say something completely 
different the next day. 

354
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:10,720
I'm like, I don't even know what
you're talking about. 

355
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:15,920
But I do like to entertain ideas
in all forms and from all 

356
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,080
directions. 
And it doesn't necessarily mean 

357
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:22,840
I'm like in on it, in on 
whatever that as being the right

358
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,200
way. 
But I do think that all opinions

359
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,520
are valid. 
Why? 

360
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:32,440
Because they exist for that 
person and there's a reason why 

361
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,880
they have that opinion. 
So if you can begin to think, 

362
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:40,600
OK, if I have my opinions about 
things and they're based on my 

363
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:44,200
life experiences, whether 
they're good or negative, those 

364
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:50,840
have formed my thoughts. 
Well, now if I simply say, OK, 

365
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,040
this is part of it. 
Part of it is I saw myself 

366
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:55,640
failed real fucking hard over 
the last five years in a lot of 

367
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:59,360
different areas of my life. 
And I think I I succeeded a lot 

368
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,920
up until that point. 
So I think before that I would 

369
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,760
look around at people, I'd be 
like, you dumbass, you dumbass, 

370
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,280
you made that mistake. 
And then and then I went and 

371
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:12,120
made those mistakes and I was 
like, OK, maybe we're all just 

372
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:17,360
humans on this human journey and
we're all going to make 

373
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,600
mistakes. 
It's part of it. 

374
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:23,000
It's part of it. 
So now I can just instead of 

375
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,200
being like, you're such a 
fucking dumbass and blame that 

376
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,280
person, think they're piece of 
shit, which is kind of what I 

377
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,520
thought before, I can now just 
accept it and be like, dude, 

378
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,480
that fucking blows. 
He wants some help. 

379
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:49,720
Crash outs. 
So crash outs. 

380
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:55,160
I'm going to sort of link with 
depression for me anyway, 

381
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:59,560
because everything is worse for 
me if I'm super tired, as an 

382
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,080
example. 
So if I'm crashing out because 

383
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:05,440
I'm tired, I ran myself into the
grim, into the ground, through 

384
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,960
the gym or through work or 
whatever. 

385
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,840
Whatever is I'm doing, it's 
going to make it so much worse. 

386
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,320
Like whatever depressive 
thoughts, because I feel in that

387
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:21,040
moment I don't have the energy 
to make the changes that I know 

388
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:25,040
I need to make. 
And I think that's been a huge 

389
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,600
fear of mine over the last few 
years because I have seen the 

390
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:34,600
way my energy has evolved and 
I've seen it go away and I've 

391
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:39,120
seen it come back and it's 
scared. 

392
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:46,920
It scared the shit out of me. 
I didn't think I was gonna have 

393
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,880
enough energy to be able to show
up in the way I felt I needed 

394
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,920
to, to be able to support my 
family. 

395
00:26:55,920 --> 00:27:00,800
I had so much fear around that. 
But if I look back, where do 

396
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,760
those fears come from? 
The fears come from evidence 

397
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:08,080
that I wasn't able to show up 
over the course of a very short 

398
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:13,360
contained period of time where 
my energy was placed in other 

399
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:17,240
areas of my life. 
And I had to simply accept that 

400
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:22,000
there is this concept of there 
can be 4 burners on at once, but

401
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:26,080
if they're all firing off at 
once, are they as powerful as if

402
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:30,520
you just have one or two going? 
So I had to accept, you know 

403
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,640
what? 
I can't be all things that at 

404
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:37,440
all times, everywhere. 
And there was a time in my life 

405
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:42,880
where work simply had to suffer 
because I had to restore myself.

406
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:51,360
I had to get myself out of a 
real shit place in my brain and 

407
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:56,960
repair a number of things in 
order to now show up as the 

408
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,760
person who I've wanted to be. 
And I'm fucking here, people. 

409
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,320
I'm fucking here. 
I'm right the fuck here. 

410
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:07,240
And The thing is, is that even 
with crash outs, I know I'm so 

411
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:13,320
goddamn close to securing my 
third goal for this year. 

412
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:20,480
And now I'm grateful that I can 
speak on these things without 

413
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:26,240
fully identifying with these 
thoughts as as me. 

414
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:29,800
I used to say to myself, fuck, 
I'm just a press person. 

415
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:34,640
I'm a mentally fucked up person.
No, I've mentally fucked up 

416
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,280
thoughts just like everybody 
else. 

417
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:44,240
I go through times of pity and 
all the rest just like everybody

418
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:45,960
else. 
I'm not invincible. 

419
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:48,120
And guess what? 
I thought I needed to be 

420
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:57,080
perfect. 
I just can't even believe all 

421
00:28:57,080 --> 00:29:03,360
the levels of performance that I
have been masking for so fucking

422
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,080
long. 
These are things I let go of 

423
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:07,920
like 8 months ago. 
I kind of realized this 

424
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:13,760
performance layer to myself. 
This comes along with trying to 

425
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:21,200
be perfect. 
There's more on that. 

426
00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:25,680
I would like to share with you 
some of the mind bending 

427
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:30,800
thoughts that I have had that 
have helped me to let go of some

428
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:34,160
of these things and also get a 
level of acceptance with certain

429
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:37,760
issues that I have been hanging 
on to for quite a long time in 

430
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:39,840
my life now. 
I do believe everybody probably 

431
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,360
has different levels of 
acceptance, different things, 

432
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:47,960
but I can talk with you about 
this process that I took of 

433
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:57,680
rationalizing and embodying my 
authentic self without the shame

434
00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:02,080
and with acceptance. 
All right, that's a rant for 

435
00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:02,760
you. 
That's a rant. 

436
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:05,800
I'm going to pause here. 
I am going to go shopping in a 

437
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,640
little bit. 
My man is taking me out on a 

438
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,200
little shopping adventure right 
now. 

439
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:15,280
As always you can find me on 
Only Fans at the Real Gym Queen,

440
00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:20,960
Instagram, at the Real gym queen
TikTok at the Real Gym Queen, 

441
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:26,360
Loyal fans at the Real gym Queen
X is at Finn Dom Gym Queen. 

442
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:30,320
My BBC collab is out, you can 
get that on the Only fans. 

443
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:32,440
Just DM me and I will send it to
you. 

444
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:34,320
Have a wonderful day at my 
people.