Ladies and gents, it is corporate MILF back with another
episode today I am going to try something a little bit new for
me and give this to you a bit like a rant.
So I want to talk about crash outs and potentially managing
your girl's feelings during this time.
I'm speaking about this because I did just have a crash out
yesterday and I had a crash out a few weeks ago.
And it's kind of that time of year when people lose their shit
because it's the holidays. And it just brings everything up
to the surface of where your life currently is, what you've
accomplished over the course of the last year, where you're
heading. And it's also an opportunity to
evaluate where you are in your life.
And I think that a lot of people will reach a point or have or or
are there where there are certain parts of your life that
you are displeased with and still working on.
And something I have come to find out about my crash outs is
that they are a combination of the things that I'm really
frustrated with that I'm currently start still working
through. They always include some level
of pity for myself, just being honest and it's combined with
frustration and anger and usually some level of tiredness,
shall we say. So I did have this kind of crash
out yesterday and it's unfortunate in a way of how I
express it at this point in my journey.
I'm still working on it because when I get frustrated, it comes
out typically in anger. There's some kind of like bubble
up moment for me where it all just explodes and I don't know
why it has to go from zero to 100 with me.
But what it feels like is I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm
living, I'm doing my thing. And then I just have a moment
where I'm like, Oh my God, this all is rough as fuck.
But I have learned, or at least I saw in evidence with my crash
out yesterday, that it was pretty mild.
And while I did surface a lot of the very dark thoughts that I
have, it was a very different experience than feeling those
dark thoughts when you're at the bottom of the hole and you're
really like so deep in the hole that you got to claw your way
out. It was pretty mild, let's call
it like just under baseline for me.
But I feel like because I have dug these deep dark crevices in
my mind, it's once you dig your way down, it can not take too
much to sort of revive those thoughts, those really dark
thoughts. But I did feel like they didn't
define me yesterday when I was feeling them.
I felt able to work through them, not in the bottom of the
hole. And anyway, so the last two
crashes I had, one of them bubbled up with me screaming,
crying at the top of my lungs. Like in this angry way.
Like I would say it's like this screaming feeling like when
you're just not being heard. You're not being heard and
you're just like, can you hear what I'm saying if I'm
screaming, which the answer is not always, of course.
Now being heard during a crash out with your girlfriend, let's
say she's having a crash out as I did yesterday.
There is a way of hearing what it is that the person's saying
and addressing it as it's coming up that can really quiet the
anger. I'll just give you an example of
what this looked like yesterday. I was having this crazy lash
out. If you saw my TikTok, it was
like, you know, I saw someone's post online that was like
somebody had passed away unexpectedly.
And I remember about a year ago seeing something like this on
Facebook where mom passed away. And at the time, I was real
deep. I was real deep in the heart in
the pain locker. And at that time I was like,
wow, I felt very jealous. And now I had seen that post
yesterday and it did trigger that thought for me.
And so I did talk about it. But there's a difference between
like feeling it and OK. There's like a kind of like how
they say if like someone's autistic, it's like there's a
spectrum of it, right? Like you don't have to be like
at 100 or 0. You can have these experiences
like throughout the spectrum. I would say that this was
reviving of thought that I've had that I felt more deeply in
the past, but it did surface for me.
I did have these thoughts. Like I don't even know what I'm
doing with men at this point. Like what is it I even want?
Like beyond I'm just sort of capturing all the things I was
bugging out about yesterday. What is it I even want with a
man? Because the core of what I want
is a good intimate relationship that is loving and emotionally
supportive. But I started to think to
myself, like, is there a bigger picture of what I'm looking for
in a partner? And also, if there is a bigger
picture, at what point do you need to start to say, I can't
get all the things I need to get from my partner.
I need to outsource some of this.
I need to fill my own cup with the things I'm looking for.
Anyway, there's that. And then I was also having this
bug out moment. Like, you know, if it wasn't for
my kids, if it wasn't for my duty to fund them, then really
what's the point in me being here?
And I have kind of thought about this sometimes, like did I have
kids in my pre plan, in my soul planning on my way down here so
that I wouldn't cut the cord on myself because I feel like maybe
in a past life I did. And this is like my freaking
relive moment where it's like you're tempted so many times to
just be like, Get Me Out of here, but you know, you simply
cannot. I went pretty deep in the hole,
like it was like a couple years ago.
And I really entertained the thought.
And I found myself entertaining the thought for about a month,
month and a half. And as I did, I found that my
thoughts and my urges got stronger and stronger and
stronger. And I finally realized I can't
actually follow through with this because I have to actually
just be here, you know, for my kids.
I can't cut the cord like that. So I will say that was sort of
an interesting process because I went down the whole I went down
the whole explored the thoughts and I realized I cannot, I
actually cannot do this. So that has helped because I
have not even really entertained any thoughts around it.
Like I had these thoughts to surface like, oh, poor me, this
sucks. But there's a difference between
thinking about it and saying it and like being at the point
where you actually want to do something about it.
So many things, so many things. Anyway, crash outs with your
girlfriend, I have come to realize that there's a couple of
things that I need out of my partner which come from my own
deficiencies. And the crash outs is part of
that. And so I kind of want to talk
about that because I know for myself that I need emotional
support when I'm feeling low. A lot of times people really
only see me in public operating at like a high, joyful state.
But with the light comes the dark and I've got the dark, I've
got the dark. But what I something I battled
with last year was I thought, if I can just get out of the dark,
maybe I don't have to experience it anymore.
And I came and I fought really hard.
I fought really hard to get myself out of the hole.
I brainwashed myself for a fucking year.
I'm not kidding you, because I was in so deep that I literally
had to tell myself these potent positive thoughts to rewire my
negative thinking. Anyway, I've come to embrace
that I contain both the light and the dark, and that's a very
different place to sit than thinking this is all or nothing.
In other words, I am the dark or I am the light.
So I feel this has given me quite a lot of peace because I
was able to express myself yesterday with some of these
dark thoughts that I've had or it was having at the moment.
And I had a couple friends reach out to me.
And I did appreciate that because when I was feeling
actually real shitty and I wasn't expressing myself.
Course, no one reaches out to you because they don't know.
They don't know that you're going through a hard time, which
goes back to my first rule, which is if you're having a hard
time, ask for help. Anyway, they did reach out and
it was interesting because part of me felt like I had to be
like, no, I'm, I'm OK. Like, yeah, I'm having dark
mental thoughts, but like, I'm generally OK.
Like I'm generally stable. I'm generally a baseline.
It's almost like you got to prove to the other person like,
no, no, it's OK. Especially when they're like,
oh, I'm so worried about you. It's like I are you or you just
being patronizing. Do do you want to know the real
things that are going on in my brain because you just want to
clock it so you think you're better than me.
That was a thought that I had, but I've come to embrace the
fact that I have dark thoughts alongside the light ones.
And one thing I truly appreciate about my partner is the ability
to listen to me without judgment, to hear what I'm
saying, to take action on it, to sort of have a validating
conversation about what it whatever it is that I'm talking
about. And I feel I need that super
emotional support because I have found myself so so so deep in
the hole that I had a very hard time coping by myself.
And while I don't feel like I'm in that spot now, I really do
truly appreciate when someone can pick me up because I kind of
always feel like I am the one keeping the energy stable and
keeping the energy high. And I do.
But if I do that for like 9 days in a row, I'm probably going to
have a crash out too. So fortunately or unfortunately
for my partner, they kind of have to embrace the fact that
I'm like mildly bipolar. And I say that with love because
in some ways, sometimes you just wish you could get diagnosed
with things because you know it would sort of validate your
fucked up Ness. I know that I have manic swings.
I know that I have depressive swings.
Do I have the level that captured as bipolar?
No, and I'm glad I don't. But if you look at the spectrum,
I don't know, are my are my emotions just normal swings or
they kind of a little outside of the spectrum?
This is something I don't really know.
I can't really define that. But I do appreciate being with a
partner who can pick me up when I'm feeling really low.
And crash outs can really go in the opposite way too.
They can go real bad in the opposite way.
And I feel like if you can't manage someone's crash out not.
And it's not like you have to go manage someone's crash out.
But if he came to me in a totally different light
yesterday, it could have just been like, he could have just
been like, you know what, fuck it.
I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to deal with your
emotions. And he could have treated it in
a different way that would have made him feel more, you know,
like demagnetized to me. And same for me.
But he didn't. He heard me in a way that
actually made me end up feeling closer to him.
I'm going to take that as a win. I think that's a huge win.
Anyway, on crash outs. On crash outs, I'm going to
continue here because again, I'm going to rant.
So for a really long time, I didn't even know what a crash
out was. I feel like online and people
talking about the way they feel has helped me tremendously and
begin to understand and accept the different ways that I feel.
I didn't really know that a lot of people had crash outs.
I thought I was just depressed. I thought I was fucked up.
I thought I was, I don't know, different and I don't know if I
am or not, but I'm pretty sure other people have crash outs.
So I will describe my journey with them.
So a couple of years when like everything was going to shit in
my life. Like the one thing that was
going well was my routine. And the reason it was going well
is because I pushed myself very hard to have a good routine
because I knew I had to get myself into a more elite place
for myself, elite body, elite habits, that kind of stuff.
So I was pretty intense on the whole concept of 75 Hard for a
while. I'd listen to Andy Frisella like
twice a day and listen to all his case studies on the people
who did it. You know, walking every single
day, working out every single day, hitting my nutrition,
praying every single night, having a gratitude process,
literally waking up in the morning being like, God, It's
going to be a great day. God, please, please help me
protect my energy today. Those are two things I would
always say so. So my practice was very, very
rigorous to the point where it was almost beating myself up,
beating myself up for how fucking mad I was at myself,
which you can do in the gym. You can like go do drop sets
until you cry. And if you haven't done that, I
really highly suggest you try it because it's really somatic in
its release. And I think that's why probably
at least half the people are in the gym because they're angry as
fuck or they're mad as fuck and they're so fucking mad at
themselves or they're so mad at their situation, they're so sad
that they're trying to get it out.
Anyway. So I was beating up pretty hard
on myself so I wouldn't really take a day off because I was
kind of in fuck you mode. And it was like, fuck you
towards myself and also fuck you towards everything else in my
life. Like literally this all sucks.
Like fuck this whole thing. But the other side of it is
like, dude, it, it takes a minute for me to recover these
days. Like I, I'm just now like next
week getting my blood work done, which is ridiculous.
I should have gotten that sooner, but I am just now going
to explore the things like peptides and testosterone and
HRT and like stuff like that for like female balancing of
hormones anyway. Where is I going with that?
We're talking about crash outs. So I would burn myself out
super, super hard. And the recovery, I mean, even
when I was 30, when I was doing my Iron Man's, I realized I am
not freaking invincible because after however many workouts, I
was so exhausted. So exhausted.
So I would basically run myself into the ground until I actually
couldn't move anymore because I was so fucking depressed that on
my days off, they were all about blame, shame, resentment, you
know, wanting to off myself like on repeat.
And I had no fucking source of dopamine.
I hadn't like, had AI, didn't have a relationship.
I had no comfort. You know, I, there was just, I
had no way to comfort myself outside of working out.
And so I had to learn how to take a rest.
I had to learn how to not shame myself during rest.
And I had to learn that it was OK if I was depressed, if I was
having a moment. And I had to do a lot of work
to, to figure out how to move myself in and out of these
spaces of being depressed because for a really long time,
if I was in that zone, my brain was so almost split so that I
couldn't see my way out. I could not see my way out.
So if I was in a super depressed mood, I thought I was going to
be there forever. And I was like, I'm done.
And if I thought I was in a super good mood, I was like,
what the hell, Why was I so upset yesterday?
I'm good now. I thought I could just hold 1
space and I came to realize that an ebb and flow of emotion was
OK. I didn't at the time know how to
express myself really. It's still something that I'm
working on. I'm still working on expressing
my needs and desires and frustrations to, you know, my
partner as an example. So expression is a big part of
it, moving through emotions. And just as much as everyone
says get up and move, get up, do 10 squats.
Like I had a life coach and she's like, what if you, you
know, if you're feeling depressed or like you can't get
started on a task, What if you just stand up and do 5 jumping
squats? And The thing is, is that
probably works for a lot of people, but like, not for
someone who's literally the only thing they can do for their
dopamine is exercise. I had to find other sources for
myself, which when you look around at the sources, sex is
one of them, working out is one of them.
If you can find that you're successful at work, that's one
of them. But guess what?
I was pretty much fucking failing on all fucking fours at
work, so that was not an option. So crash outs, learning how to
rest, learning how to release the tensions in your body, in
your muscles, in your mind. And this is the path of healing,
I think is learning to accept yourself the way that you are.
I'm not going to lie, I did have to justify a lot of my thoughts.
I did have to do a lot of mind bending work in order to find
peace and acceptance with things like the way I look, what my
body looks like, what my performance looks like.
The fact that some days I'm on a high and some days if you look
at me, I've got a blank stare and I literally can't speak
because I'm crashed the fuck out.
And I had to be like, that's OK. And I had to teach my boyfriend
if I'm not up all the time, you know, 'cause he'd come over and
he's like, I don't understand. Like, why are you like kind of
being shitty today, you know, or whatever in a low mood.
And I'm just like, yo, I can't give you more.
Like you have to learn to accept the highs when they come and to
work with me on the lows because at this point I am still on the
roller coaster of life and having somebody around you can
accept that is really helpful. I'd say even like me and my
ex-husband, we, we didn't learn that about each other for
fucking 12 years, 12 years. If one of us was in a shitty
mood, then it was like a whole thing.
Now if one of us is in a shitty mood, you know, he'll check in
and just be like, are you, are you OK?
Do you need anything? And I'll be like, no, I'll be
like, I just need space. And he's like, OK, cool.
And he won't, he'll just like leave me alone.
Now, other relationships in my life, I won't name names will be
like so critical of me in that state of mind, like very
judgmental and more because they don't understand it.
And frankly, I haven't understood it up until this
point in my life. I'm fucking 46.
I didn't understand that this was OK.
You know, I used to really get upset about myself for not being
able to deliver a certain level of consistency that I would like
to show myself. And as you can see if you follow
me online, I'm pretty fucking consistent in the gym.
But I have found with myself that I do struggle with
consistency in other areas of my life.
And I was always like, why can't I just bring it up?
Why can't I be elite in every area?
And then I just realized it's ridiculous.
Nobody can be elite in every single area.
No one can have all the answers. That's part of why I started
this pod. I had to finally realize, oh, I
kept seeking more information, more answers so that I could
finally talk to you about my point of view.
And I realized, guess what? No one is going to be the
expert. I'm never going to have all the
information. So I'm just going to basically
share it as I feel it today. And the thing that I've realized
about myself, I do evolve over time.
My views change drastically. Actually, sometimes the people
I've dated have been very confused by me because they're
like, I don't understand. You say one thing and then like
you say something completely different the next day.
I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about.
But I do like to entertain ideas in all forms and from all
directions. And it doesn't necessarily mean
I'm like in on it, in on whatever that as being the right
way. But I do think that all opinions
are valid. Why?
Because they exist for that person and there's a reason why
they have that opinion. So if you can begin to think,
OK, if I have my opinions about things and they're based on my
life experiences, whether they're good or negative, those
have formed my thoughts. Well, now if I simply say, OK,
this is part of it. Part of it is I saw myself
failed real fucking hard over the last five years in a lot of
different areas of my life. And I think I I succeeded a lot
up until that point. So I think before that I would
look around at people, I'd be like, you dumbass, you dumbass,
you made that mistake. And then and then I went and
made those mistakes and I was like, OK, maybe we're all just
humans on this human journey and we're all going to make
mistakes. It's part of it.
So now I can just instead of
being like, you're such a fucking dumbass and blame that
person, think they're piece of shit, which is kind of what I
thought before, I can now just accept it and be like, dude,
that fucking blows. He wants some help.
Crash outs. So crash outs.
I'm going to sort of link with depression for me anyway,
because everything is worse for me if I'm super tired, as an
example. So if I'm crashing out because
I'm tired, I ran myself into the grim, into the ground, through
the gym or through work or whatever.
Whatever is I'm doing, it's going to make it so much worse.
Like whatever depressive thoughts, because I feel in that
moment I don't have the energy to make the changes that I know
I need to make. And I think that's been a huge
fear of mine over the last few years because I have seen the
way my energy has evolved and I've seen it go away and I've
seen it come back and it's scared.
It scared the shit out of me. I didn't think I was gonna have
enough energy to be able to show up in the way I felt I needed
to, to be able to support my family.
I had so much fear around that. But if I look back, where do
those fears come from? The fears come from evidence
that I wasn't able to show up over the course of a very short
contained period of time where my energy was placed in other
areas of my life. And I had to simply accept that
there is this concept of there can be 4 burners on at once, but
if they're all firing off at once, are they as powerful as if
you just have one or two going? So I had to accept, you know
what? I can't be all things that at
all times, everywhere. And there was a time in my life
where work simply had to suffer because I had to restore myself.
I had to get myself out of a real shit place in my brain and
repair a number of things in order to now show up as the
person who I've wanted to be. And I'm fucking here, people.
I'm fucking here. I'm right the fuck here.
And The thing is, is that even with crash outs, I know I'm so
goddamn close to securing my third goal for this year.
And now I'm grateful that I can speak on these things without
fully identifying with these thoughts as as me.
I used to say to myself, fuck, I'm just a press person.
I'm a mentally fucked up person. No, I've mentally fucked up
thoughts just like everybody else.
I go through times of pity and all the rest just like everybody
else. I'm not invincible.
And guess what? I thought I needed to be
perfect. I just can't even believe all
the levels of performance that I have been masking for so fucking
long. These are things I let go of
like 8 months ago. I kind of realized this
performance layer to myself. This comes along with trying to
be perfect. There's more on that.
I would like to share with you some of the mind bending
thoughts that I have had that have helped me to let go of some
of these things and also get a level of acceptance with certain
issues that I have been hanging on to for quite a long time in
my life now. I do believe everybody probably
has different levels of acceptance, different things,
but I can talk with you about this process that I took of
rationalizing and embodying my authentic self without the shame
and with acceptance. All right, that's a rant for
you. That's a rant.
I'm going to pause here. I am going to go shopping in a
little bit. My man is taking me out on a
little shopping adventure right now.
As always you can find me on Only Fans at the Real Gym Queen,
Instagram, at the Real gym queen TikTok at the Real Gym Queen,
Loyal fans at the Real gym Queen X is at Finn Dom Gym Queen.
My BBC collab is out, you can get that on the Only fans.
Just DM me and I will send it to you.
Have a wonderful day at my people.