Get away from her, you bitch. Classic.
He was in the Amazon my mom when she was researching spiders
right before she died. No.
Hannah, you thought you can't prostitute your.
Dog at it I. Used to love doggy chow I used.
To love doggy chow too. I trust one person on this
planet and you're talking to her.
I'm Crystal. Oh yeah, finish him.
Oh, finish him. Not really.
Finish him. I'm baby lame.
And welcome to Camp Classics. A thoughtful podcast about
stupid movies. I want everything I ever watch
to start with that song. I don't like straight for off
the gate as well. Like no, no Lucy.
Don't, don't warm us up for it. Just go in hard.
I feel like this is just one of your DJ sets as well as honestly
like Mortal Kombat. Honestly, that song, the impact
that song has had on my life. I think the reason I am a DJ is
because of that song. Is it maybe one of the best
songs that has ever been in a movie?
I think you need to calm down. I think, I think you need to,
you need to calm yourself. I think this song, the blade
blood rave song and the orgy scene in the matrix, those songs
have a lot to answer for. And then on the flip side, I'm
thinking what are my favorite songs in the movie as well?
I will always love you Celine Dions.
What's the one she did from that?
Because you love me. I'm I'm more on that kind of
tip, I think. A ballad.
A romantic, a feelings, Yeah. No, I think that's where.
I'm I want tech bro, techno mask pills, muscles.
Fucking hell, she's on one tonight.
I've just, I've just been watching Mortal Kombat 2, so
I'm, I'm really deep right now. There's no hope for me or my
brain. Thanks.
Syphilis. What do we do here?
Every two weeks we pick a stupid movie and we talk gay shit about
it and we try and find out if it's camp or not.
But if every two weeks is not enough for you, we do have a gay
Trion where we release a bonus episode every month.
And I would like to shout out our new Gay Trion members,
Isabel, Kate, Diego and Courtney.
Oh, I like the way you gave it some reverb.
You were like shuddering on Courtney.
How What do we think? What do we think their
backstories are? Because I quite like to kind of,
you know, where do we think Isabelle comes from?
Like what's her vibe? What's her energy?
Is she quite low key? I think she might be a low key
camp lover. I think she joined because of
House of Wax, which is our last movie, so I think she's a Paris
lover. Well, we've also lost her if
she's listened to that episode. I would just suggest that
anybody that is tempted but not quite sure about whether they
should join the gate train just do it to listen to what Crystal
divulged about herself. Look, if you've ever.
It was a very personal medical I've I basically felt like I was
Crystal's gynaecologist. If you've ever wondered about
the size or status of my testicles, you know what the gay
trion is right there for you. Yeah, yeah, it was.
It was a lot. It was a lot that episode.
Tell that to my balls. Thanks, Syphilis.
Also spoiler alert if you are a fan of Paris Hilton.
Also don't listen to that episode because Crystal gives it
to her. She gets it, she gets it hard.
You read her to filth, boots down.
Our problematic Princess the Gatron is £4 a month.
You get the bonus episodes, our back catalog and you can sign up
on Patreon directly, which would be our preference.
Or you can click the locked episode on your Apple or Spotify
feeds. And if you don't want a bonus
episode, that's all right, but just make sure you're giving
this podcast a follow wherever you happen to be listening.
Yeah, we want to kind of infect. I think it's time to infect the
nation and the world. Yeah, I think so.
I think so. Because even like with this
podcast, I was doing some research and there was some
fucking snobby podcasts out there.
There really are. It's like, get over yourselves.
Yeah. Like I won't name names, but I
was listening to 1 today and I was just like get over
yourselves. Was it?
How did this get made? Yes, yeah, that is I think how
did this get made is the straight successful version of
our show. OK, OK.
But, you know, sadly very successful.
Yeah, yeah. And we're not.
Oh well. Lol lol no but we are building a
little community here and that's what we love.
Obviously the gay Tron is growing strong.
We also had some feedback our friend Michael.
Oh, great. Hi, Michael.
Our friend Michael got all in his feelings after our scream
coverage. Oh God, of course she did.
Yeah, I'm eye roll. Can you hear me?
Eye roll? I don't know if there's a sound
effect. They can, but I'm literally like
a mechanical eye roll. It's like.
This is what he said. What on earth you hate Scream?
You guys were dissecting it like Siskel and Ebert.
I'm just saying you're giving serious film podcast meets woke
podcast before you were giving camp podcast.
Wow. Savage.
Wow. Look, someone was just very
upset to hear us not lick Neve Campbell's anus.
Also, if we awoke, then I accept that Piers Morgan Michael is
basically Piers Morgan, so thanks for that.
I'm sorry if queer people are woke.
And sorry if we have, you know, opinions.
We're not just gay clowns for your amusement.
Sometimes we have thoughts. Sorry if we're drag Queens that
are calling out misogyny and violence.
Stop silencing women. I would also just like to say
Scream is one of those movies where everyone's like, oh,
that's a camp film when they haven't watched it for 10 years.
And then if they watch it, they're like, oh, actually, it's
not actually quite as funny as I remember.
And that is a fact. Yeah.
And when people do recommend films, there are a few of those
where, yes, we are all guilty of believing they are camp.
When we've suggested some films for this, we've been like, oh
lol, let's watch this. And then we've been like, what
the fuck are we doing watching this movie?
So and. Also, if I recall correctly, I
think we gave scream like on the Merrill's a very high score.
It's a good movie. It's a good movie.
We like part. We like part.
Of history, Let me tell you terms of horror cinema.
Let me tell you what we gave it. Just you tell me.
Can you tell me? Can you tell?
This feedback really got me. We gave it an 8.
An 8 Merrills. And five Lizers, it's fine.
That's like. Yeah, It's Down the Middle is
not a camp classic. Nobody is.
Liza Minnelli is not lining up for a remake of Scream.
The costume, the cost. There's not even a camp costume
in it. No, no, there is.
There's GAIL Weathers in her yellow skirt suit.
But I mean, it's, it's not, it's not a screamer, is it?
It's just like. I think, I think GAIL Weathers
stand alone. She is.
She is very cap. Why are we talking about Nevada
Campbell films ever? I've said I didn't want to do it
anymore and here she is be. Careful, you'll kill her.
Yes, God. Yeah, but I guess the lesson is
to either listeners, if you negus we will reply to your
comment, so please don't. And also we are the ones that
rate this. And quite frankly, if you want
to come up with your own Camp Classics podcast, do it.
You'll probably be more successful.
I'm. Trying to think of like a spin
off but I can't think of 1 so there you go.
Yeah, because there isn't one. There isn't.
Yeah, good luck. Yeah, I think.
We're basically the only podcast actually where 2 gay people talk
about movies so. Totally unique, completely not
ever been done before. The other thing I want to say is
that obviously we're approaching the Christmas season and I did
do a shout out on my Instagram for camp Christmas movie
suggestions. Now, I've got a lot here.
I've had a lot of, yeah, a lot of replies.
I'm just going to read them out to you if anything jumps out to
you. OK, Yeah.
Muppets Christmas Carol. Meh.
Die hard. Oh.
Die hard. I know it's not camp, is it?
No. No, it's, I think it's probably
a good, I think it's a good movie, but I it's, it's not,
it's not for us. And also as well, out of all of
the films that we could be talking about, We're going to
Die Hard next. No, no.
Was that Michael? I bet Michael suggested that.
Great idea, Michael. Batman Returns.
Yes. Yeah, it's AI.
Feel like that's the most obvious Christmas movie choice
for this podcast. Yeah.
And so as a result, part of me wants to go.
Not yet. Yeah, OK.
Because you like edging us. Yeah.
Gremlins. OK.
Yeah, yeah. Solid The Grinch.
No, thank you. I don't, I just don't think so.
Do you? I feel like it could get a bit.
Mars Attacks, Yeah, that was a hard watch.
Spice. Spice World is there Christmas
in that? People just.
Want us to do Spice World? Whatever.
Whatever box I put on my Instagram, someone will type in
spice. World, we need to just do spice
world. It's more of a summer movie, I
feel. OK, so that was on my Instagram.
Great. So really.
So basically you'll say no to all of the film.
But then I, I also put it on the camp classics dedicated
Instagram and I feel like just, I'll just tell you listeners
that you're you're better than the general masses and we love
of. Course they are.
Of course they are. Some suggestions here included
Bridget Jones's Diary, which, OK, that's.
Which, OK, it's that's that's an interesting choice because it is
like very hetero mainstream, but it's a bit old, it's a bit shit.
So therefore it could be quite a left field choice that could
actually be quite camp. I'm quite interested in that
decision. OK, yes.
Grease 2. Does Christmas feature in Grease
2? No, but it's I love a sequel.
It. Definitely has nothing to do
with Christmas. There's not even a suggestion of
snow. Right.
OK, yeah. Mixed nuts.
I don't know it. It's a Steve Martin bomb from
the early 90s. Quite a stash.
OK, sure. Yeah, Female trouble.
Great show. Yes, great.
Show. Great show, yeah.
Eyes wide shut. I think that's quite a good
shout too, I bet that. Is.
I mean, I don't. Think as tits.
I don't think I've watched it before so.
Oh, it's basically just Tom Cruise being cocked for an hour
and a half ground breaking. OK, Happy Christmas.
And obviously it's like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman at
their hottest. So yeah, yeah.
OK. And then the last suggestion was
Black Christmas, which I've never seen.
OK, yeah, I've seen that. I don't know if it's Cam.
Right. But no.
But am I thinking the same film? I don't know.
But there were some very good suggestions there.
Yeah, and they're far more interesting than the basic pitch
ones that your Instagram put out.
My other suggestion was going to be it has nothing to do with
Christmas, except they do go to an ice palace slash ice hotel
and that is tomorrow. Never.
No, Not Tomorrow never dies. Oh, it's a James Bond.
It's the final Pierce Brosnan Bond movie starring Halle Berry
and Madonna, and they go to an ice hotel.
Now, it's not officially Christmas, but it is wintry.
OK, OK. Yeah.
There's an invisible car and Madonna fences.
Yeah, I have never seen it. OK, but that sounds kind of fun.
I'm going to throw in a basic one.
Mean Girls. I guess it is Christmassy.
Oh good shout. Just another one to think about.
I mean, Mean Girls basically sponsors the entire sound board
of this podcast. I could hear people getting
bored with me, but I couldn't stop.
Has Liza Minnelli ever been in a Christmas movie?
Yeah, maybe we should check that out.
Oh, and there was one more suggestion which I forgot to
write down, which was Sextet, which is Mae West's final movie
from 1978 starring Timothy Dalton, Dom de Louise, Ringo
Starr, Alice Cooper. And it just looks like a big
schmaltzy, like old school Hollywood starring Mae W
Basically it looks campus fucking tits and it's and it was
a huge bomb. OK, well that sounds good.
I mean, as soon as she said Ringo star, I was like, The
Beatles don't scream, doesn't scream camp.
But Mae W not at the height of her powers, in the decline of
her powers, which I think. Which is always a good place to
go to. Yeah, Absolutely.
Yeah. Maybe that's for the Gayatrion.
Cool. Well, let's get into this movie.
But before we go any further, baby, what does make a camp
classic? Well, a camp classic is
something that needs to unlock queer joy.
In the words of the iconic Megan Fox, we want to have a wedding.
She doesn't say it like that. It needs to be stupid.
A camp classic should not take itself too seriously, it needs
to have an ongoing legacy and should inform queer pop culture.
And ultimately we want something anti mainstream.
That's right, floppity flop flop flop flop flop underground
vibes. Because we like reclaiming that
shit and we don't like to see people succeed.
As gay people, we are bitter, yes, and we like failure,
correct? It's a lot about rage and
trauma. Rage and trauma colliding.
What is your history with Mortal Kombat?
Sorry. I just played the computer game
a bit. Do you know what I mean?
I don't remember. I don't think I ever watched
this movie. I think I watched because it
sort of came out the same time Street Fighter, didn't it?
And I think I watched that and I think I was really disappointed
in that. I I probably would enjoy that
now, but I was disappointed that Kylie wasn't Chung Lee, which
obviously now cultural appropriation.
Oh sorry Michael, am I being too woke?
Sorry, woke watch. Let's have an alarm bell
whenever we're to woke on this podcast.
God forbid. What about you?
I knew you'd enjoy that. I I'm unfortunately have to
reveal that this is probably one of the movies I've seen the most
in my entire life. In your entire life.
I realized watching it. That is such a statement of your
entire. Life.
It's just a guess because you know when you're 10 and you've
got something on VHS, you'll just watch it every day.
Yeah, yeah. That's true.
And so I I did.
I did. I mean, I was obsessed with the
video game. I was obsessed with this concept
when it came out. I Remember Me and my friend
snuck in to see it because we were too young.
We bought tickets to see a kid in King Arthur's court and it
was like my first, like, breaking the rules, you know?
Yeah. I thought it was so awesome.
I just thought it was the best thing I'd ever seen and well, I
don't feel that way and quite so strongly anymore.
But I was delighted to rewatch it.
So, so happy. But also you are like, I'm just
gagging as I say, you're, you're a bit of a gamer, aren't you?
You're one of those actually. Oh no, we love it.
I don't want to like feel like maybe half of of you
listenership might be on that train as well.
I definitely have some of those tendencies for sure.
There's a sliding tours moment that could have happened for me
where I went full in cell after watching this movie.
Never left home, just stayed up all night playing Diablo and
Mortal Kombat in my goon cave. You know that didn't happen.
But I like watching this movie because it's like a trip into
that alternate reality for me. I feel like this is like the
most like soul bearing and honest I've ever heard you on
this podcast. I'm finally coming out as Talks
Mask. OK, well let's get into it.
So the the context for 1995's Mortal Kombat.
It was directed by Paul Anderson.
This was his second movie ever. You can't tell.
You can absolutely not tell. And from what I can gather, he
was hired because his first movie called Shopping was made
for $100,000 and the producer was like, wow, he's cheap.
It stars a a whole bunch of real actors who are, I swear to God,
I swear to God, Ruben, are real actors doing real acting in this
movie. I don't know.
Did you recognize anyone? Yes, Sonia.
Yes, Bridget Wilson. Yes, I recognize her from the
wedding planner. No Happy Gilmore.
No, I'm sure she's in the wedding planner as well.
She in multiple Adam Sandler pictures.
What else was what's her name again?
Bridget Wilson. I'm keep on laughing because it
sounds like you're saying Bridget Nielsen, but saying it
anyway. Someone who also played Sonia.
Yeah, oh God, it's linked isn't it?
Right. 2 seconds because I she is in the wedding planner.
Oh, the wedding planner. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm thinking of the Wedding Singer.
Oh no. News The.
Wedding letter. She's in.
AJ Lo movie. But I also got confused because
I thought she was in monster in law, which is something we have
to do. We have to do monster idea and I
just thought she was the bitchy blonde in that.
But I think she's probably just a bitchy.
I think she probably in an era of that was just playing the
hot, either bitchy or like kind of slightly ahead headed the
leading lady. So I recognize her and then that
other person, that's the Highlander or whatever his name
is, but only but I don't know that.
Christopher Lambert, Yeah. And I think she's actually in
Billy Madison, not Happy Gilmore.
I don't know. This movie had a budget of $20
million and it was a success. It was #1 at the box office for
three whole weeks, and it took $124 million worldwide.
So it was a pretty decent hit. It is the 27th highest grossing
video game movie of all time. That isn't that impressive.
No, it was about. That's not an achievement.
I could only think of three others, like is it like Resident
Evil or like. That's probably higher.
All the Tomb Raiders are higher. I think the number one is the
New Super Mario Brothers movie, which I have no.
OK, yeah. Oh, and then probably the Sonic
ones did. Well, yeah, I actually quite
like the Sonic the Hedgehog. Well, that brings me on to my
next point, which is it's critical review.
It has a 40. 4% critical rating on Rotten Tomatoes and between
the 98 founding of Rotten Tomatoes Until 2018, Mortal
Kombat was the highest critical rating on the site of any video
game adaptation. That's weird.
That is fucking weird, but that is fucking weird, Yeah.
Which it basically froze potentially any like like
legitimacy about rotten. Tomatoes.
Oh, it's it's nonsense. It's nonsense.
Do you know what the number one rated video game adaptation is?
It's Sonic the Hedgehog 3. OK, there we go.
Wow, which does make me want to put a bullet in my brain.
OK, well, don't do that. We've got on this.
We've got this episode to finish.
Should we get into the plot? I would, I would love to.
And it's so generous that you're calling it a plot as well.
So opening credits and it's. Like fucking hell is so intense.
Yeah, it really feels like you've just taken drugs.
And I feel like I actually, I actually wrote that as a later
note. I I just wrote as a statement.
These people are on drugs as in everyone in the film, every
everything related, everyone is on drugs.
I. Think that would kind of make
sense? Then we've got our opening
scene, which is two people are fighting at a temple.
There's like a an older evil man and a child.
Yeah, a child. He's fighting a child.
There was a camp clue in this opening sequence that I I
actually really love in all camp classics.
I love a wonky angle to show that something's maybe slightly
wrong or eerie and just. Yeah, I just like an.
Angle. That's shot on the diagonal,
isn't it? Just to show that it's, you
know, something's off here. And I just think.
That Paul Anderson. What an Otter.
What? Yeah, straight away I'm like the
cinematography is next level on this and we you get an epic
bitch slap as well right from the get go.
Backhand rubber. Backhand.
Yeah, can never go wrong with that, can you?
Yeah. And then the older one breaks
the back of the younger one, killing him.
What did you just? Say blows his back out.
Oh yeah, that's. And just then, Luke Hang wakes
up all sweaty in bed. And what in the wicked is going
on? With that green, green light,
the blowout. I was just like where?
Why is it that intensely green? Like what?
What would cause such a green light?
Yeah, that's a very good question.
I didn't think about it. Again, that altar, that altar,
he's got us, you know? I think it's, I guess they're
showing like, oh, he's not anywhere near there, he's in a
city. Strong mullet work though from
the get go. And this man's hair, it's, it
should be, it should have been a paid actor in this movie.
Yeah. And also as well we are.
We've hit the stage now. Well, this is just very, a very
contemporary look. Yeah.
You saw, if you saw him out in a club, you'd be like, yeah, look
great. Yeah, he's hot.
Yeah, I knew you'd have the bones for him.
The bones. I unfortunately think maybe
everyone in this movie is hot again.
This movie has a lot to answer for.
But yeah, Liu Kang has had a had the dream of his brother's
death. He's real sweaty.
And then he gets it. He gets a telegram that says
brother dead come. Home What I do like about this
film is it's just very easy to follow because you know how like
creators nowadays for TV etcetera are having to really
simplify what they're making because people are like sort of
watching secondhand. So they really need everything
signposting This movie is really signposting it.
There's absolutely no nuance. It's just like right next thing.
Now go. Very simple to follow.
Again, that Paul Anderson just a visionary ahead of his time.
He knew that people were getting stupider all the way back in 95.
Yeah, keep it simple. Then we cut to Sonia Blade.
That's our Bridget Nielsen. Can I just let out an audible?
Oh, she's fabulous. Oh, and everything I love in a
film. You cannot beat a 90s
rock'n'roll rave club. Especially when you've got a
badass, no nonsense tough talking T word who's just
kicking the shit out of the clubbers.
Dressed as Janet Jackson, Ribbon Nation.
She is, for some reason, she's going through this nightclub and
she's just hitting everyone in the face with the barrel of her
gun. There's like, I don't care if
you're at a rave, I've got to get through.
I mean, I think I've been in that position where you just get
to the point where it's like out of my fucking way.
So yeah, yeah. But I mean, spectacular
entrance. I mean, that's how you launch a
character. Unfortunately, a cab does
include Sonia Blade. Yeah.
She's looking for Kano, who killed her partner.
No, Kano. Where does Kano come?
From right. I'm so glad you brought this up.
Wow, I wasn't sure if I was having a stroke.
I think maybe I was having a stroke at the same.
Point What was your What was your impression?
Well, to start with, it was all a bit Dick Van Dyke, wasn't it?
Yeah, Hello, Mary Poppins. Yeah.
And then? And then it goes a bit Aussie.
Yeah, OK, cool. I think that's I'm really glad
to hear a British person say that too, because this actor,
he's British, he's from Croydon. He's British.
Yeah, but I think he went for a cockney accent but couldn't do
it and as a result it ended up a bit Australian now.
And he's from, he's from Croydon, which really isn't that
far away from like an East End accent.
No, no, it should have. It shouldn't have happened.
But this is what's so funny. So the the character was
originally Japanese American, and the creators of Mortal
Combat we're so impressed with how Trevor Goddard portrayed him
in the movie that they retconned Kano's history in future games
to make him Australian, which they thought was Goddard's
nationality. They later learned that he was
doing a Cockney accent, which they and many viewers had
confused for Australian. I mean, that's that's also be
real as well. Like he, oh, he's dead.
Yeah, but he continued to claim to be of Australian descent
until his death in 2003. Fucking hell, I was about to
say. I mean, that is a lot, isn't it?
To give him to like change the entire franchise around his
acting skills? Because I, I don't think, oh, he
had, oh, he died of a drug overdose.
Oh, that's sad. Sorry.
OK, well, he's really fit in the film.
He's so hot. Yeah, I'm into that.
Where are we? Yeah.
So Kaino is there. He's working with Shang Sung,
who is the man from Liu Kang's dream at the beginning, and he's
trying to lure Sonia to a tournament.
Then we cut to Johnny Cage. He's filming a movie, and he's
all over the tabloids because they don't think he's a real
fighter. They think he's a fake.
I did find the scene quite hot with all of those guys with
various implements. Yeah, I think.
Taking them on I was. Like it looks really great too.
I was like, I want to watch that movie.
I've never seen you like, beaming so much, like you're
literally just glowing from this.
You're so happy, aren't you? I.
Really. Am I realized about this point?
I was like, oh, I can quote this entire movie.
This is where you fall down. This is where you fall down.
Shang Sung is there. He's shape shifted into Johnny
Cage's mentor or agent or something, and he lures him to
the tournament so that he can prove himself a real fighter.
Well, you say LOR, but again, it's like there's no, he's
literally just this old man. It's not explained.
And he's like going, oh, so you know, everyone thinks you're a
fake. Well, if you fight this
tournament, everyone will think you're the greatest fighter in
the world. And then he's literally like,
here, take this scroll, go to the boat tomorrow, you're going
to Hong Kong tomorrow. And then that's it.
And then, and then Johnny's literally like, oh, OK, then
doesn't question it, doesn't do anything.
And then the guy shapes it back to the villain.
But it's like it wasn't I, I don't get the impression you've
done like a particularly like big trick here.
It's not like it's not like evil in Masters of the Universe, is
it? It's literally like he's just
going to go and he's fucking dumb.
I appreciated it. You know how when we do recaps
on this show, we'll often use the yada yada yada approach
because lots of stuff happens that we can't be really be
bothered to get into? I think this the screenwriters
took that approach when they were doing the plot.
They're like, don't worry, they'll get it, yadda, yadda,
yadda. He's on the boat.
And we did, we did. It's very easy to follow Johnny
Cage, this actor, another actor that has not gone on to have a
star illustrious career. The actor went on to do wild
things two and three. Fucking cow.
He was also in Mean Girls too. Didn't know that existed.
He was also in anacondas too. Wow.
Fucking. Hell, but you know he's working.
He's working well, good for him. OK, then we're back to Liu Kang.
He's going home. I think he's Chinese, but he
goes to Thailand. I mean, I don't think the kind
of race of anybody matters in this movie, does it?
It's very Asia. Except for any kind of God
character, and then it's just a white.
Then it's just a white. This man, Yeah.
Yeah, but Liu Kang wants to fight in the tournament to
avenge his brother's murder. And then we get Raiden.
Should we say it together, Wig? Oh, baby girl, that unit.
Oh, she has been tongue. She's got body.
She's got like a real little bounce to her.
It's hard to get that much volume and bounce out of
synthetic fibers, I hear. Oh, but baby, it is bouncing
away. It is giving Lux.
It is giving expensive. It is a hard line across the
forehead. It's, I don't think it's a hard
front, but they didn't bother to like ventilate that lace.
They were just like, give it a straight line.
She she's got a she's got a nice shape to her, though, doesn't
she? They've they've what I would
really would have loved to have been in because obviously in
these in even in this kind of film, even in this pile of shit,
and they do different tests with wigs in films and and you know,
I'm sure there were numerous wigs and styles.
I wonder whose decision it was to be like, oh, no, baby, she
needs a bit more life in her. She's.
I I am obsessed with a movie that spends $1,000,000 on the
animatronic villain and then is like, you know what wig budget
$10. It is.
It is such an incredibly shit look.
And what? So bad.
Who is he? He's like something.
Is he like the God of everything?
What is? What is he?
He's the God of lightning, potentially the Chinese God of
lightning. Yeah, because they all bowed out
to him and I'm like, fucking hell, everyone else there is
Asian in that scene except for him.
And he's a French man. Well, a homeless French man,
isn't he? In a real unit doing the
weirdest. Accent like what the fuck?
So he was quite hot property. Well, I don't know.
As we've already discussed, I don't think any of the cast are
particularly hot property at this stage.
But he was a bigger actor, wasn't he?
And he's probably the top billing in this movie.
That's not saying much. No, but he was very expensive
compared to their budget. And obviously everything had to
be budget. They weren't spending any money
on this. They were like no, no, no, no,
no. But so originally he was only
going to film for a few weeks in LA and then anything on location
was going to be with a stunt, got double and they were going
to just like be careful. But then he was like, oh, no,
no, I'm going to Thailand to film this.
I want to film this. So he just went and basically
shot all of that stuff for free and just had a bit of a holiday.
But what what was good enough? What was it about him that they
were like? Like he must have screen test
with this accent? It's kind of like Toad, but like
not high. It's like if Toad wasn't high
pitched. I've been trying actually all
day to do this accent and I can't do it.
I can't do it. It's impossible.
He isn't ready, my Lord, and we've lost so much time, I know,
but there's no one else. But we love her.
We love her. We love her.
We love her from the get go. We.
Love her like that reveal. So he's like walking into the
temple and he's got his rice Paddy hat on.
So yeah, that's we've already got big alarm bells going off at
this. Oh.
Have we sorry, Woke? Yeah.
But then he like lifts his head up and the rice Paddy hat lifts
and you just see this white man in this wig and it's.
Just so funny. So shocking.
And now, now you've said that it's reminded me of what it
reminded me of. And it's the first time we see
Kate Winslet in Titanic with her very.
Bad. OK.
The other thing that's amazing is that this role was offered to
Sean Connery. Really.
Why? I don't know.
He turned. Apparently he turned it down
because he didn't want to perform such a physically
demanding role. He doesn't do anything he
doesn't do. Anything but.
Now imagine it with a Scottish accent.
Everything. And the bouncy wig.
The bouncy wig. Oh.
I don't know what to say, but I'm like, I I love, I love all
of the little, like, you know, lightning bits.
She's a good time gal, isn't she?
Yeah, I love her. She's providing some light
comedic relief that I don't think the film really knows what
to do with. Also she just has like
incredible powers and like can is more powerful than anyone but
yet doesn't get involved in anything.
Well, you know, the rules of Mortal Kombat are very strict.
Just don't ask me to explain them to you, OK?
Then we're at the docks and the the ship is coming in on our 3
heroes board, along with a man whose name is Arlene.
You're Arlene, aren't you? The.
Way that the way that character is treated in this film, it's
just like wow, sorry, woke alert again.
But I mean, it is like black man tokenism, if ever I've seen it
in my life is it is so fucking appalling.
Yeah, how he has, and I mean for for me to say he has no
character development at all compared to the other characters
really sort of places where he is in this movie.
You're so right. But his name is Arlene, and so I
stand. Go off, Arlene.
Come on, Arlene. I think the ship looks kind of
great. This big ship coming into into
port. It looks, you know, like you're
at Disney. Yeah, it's very that.
Yeah, it's very like Alton Towers when we were on that
pirate ship thing. And you're like very that one
thing you can say about this movie is they have not skimped
on the fog budget or the candle. Budget The fog is fogging.
Oh my. At one point when they're on the
ship and they're out at sea, we're just in a black studio
with so much low smoke that's lit.
So it's just like an elaborate music video and we're meant to
believe that they're at like it's seeing its water and it's
like, no, it's just a fog machine.
There's nothing here that actually is suggesting water at
all. Look, you and I have relied on a
fog machine to elevate a number many times.
Yes, I fully, I fully respect it.
OK, so they're on the ship and they run into Shang Sung, who
is, I guess, hot for Sonia. Yeah, it's kind of.
Unclear. Either that either that or he's
desperate to give her a makeover.
Spoiler alert. He's like, girl, we need to back
home. That hair Shang.
Sung has absorbed so many souls some of them were bound to
include beauticians, but he threatens the the three heroes
with his henchman, Scorpion and Sub Zero, and then Raiden saves
them by turning into lightning and zapping them with some
honestly spectacular CGI. He's basically going to finger
them to death, which, you know, is like something I always want
to see in a film. We see his little finger go up
and it's like, I don't think so. And yeah, this is when I I wrote
that the heroes who are just normal Earth people are taking
it all very well. They 'd like just seen a man
turn into lightning and they're like, OK, what do you mean we
have to save the Earth? I guess so.
So we get the info dump. Mortal Kombat is a martial arts
tournament that has held once every generation between
representatives of the realms of Earth and the otherworldly
dimension of Out World. If Outworld achieves 10
consecutive victories, the Emperor of Outworld will invade
and conquer Earth, and they have already won nine times.
Wow. These 3 heroes have been chosen
as Earth's representatives and will decide the outcome of the
tournament. Big the stakes.
The stakes could not be higher and and as Raiden says, the
essence of Mortal Kombat is not about death, but life.
OK. What does it mean?
Yeah, he doesn't even say it like that.
He says it in that weird growly voice as well.
Someone he's, he sat there, that actor sat there with the script,
you know, in a room. I was like, how am I going to
deliver that line? He's actually with all of these
shit lines. You've got to think someone has
actually sat down in a hotel room and going, right.
How am I going to say it like this?
Then there's loads of CGI in the sky and Shang Sung is he's doing
the absolute most. I love this man.
Yeah. Now is he like a legendary film
star or something? Kerry Hiroyuki Tigawa, yeah,
he's been in shit loads of movies and I think he's played a
villain many times, you know? So because he is actually very
good in this movie, I think he's actually like a good actor.
Yeah. And scary.
And. Yeah.
And he's he's trying so hard, whereas like no one else is.
Oh no, no one else is trying. It's sure what to do.
Yeah, but he's trying really hard.
Oh so you say people weren't trying hard?
They were all like sustaining really serious injuries were I
think at one point was it like sub 0 Scorpion was like kicked
so hard in the kidney he was like peeing blood or something.
Yeah, Johnny Cage was. Oh.
Johnny Cage, Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Broken ribs.
Bridget Wilson in one of her fights.
I still find it funny. It sounds like you're trying to
say Bridget Nilson, but you can't.
You've got a slight speech impediment.
Bridget Wilson. She, in one of her fights had
her shoulder dislocated and she just popped it back into place
and was like, let's keep going. Yeah, love her, love her.
Okay, so now the ship gets to a spooky island where compasses
and satellite phones don't work. A bit more banter between our
heroes. They're kind of all, you know, a
bit bantery. Yeah, because they're like
different personalities and they kind.
Of. They're all so different.
They like kind of like each other, but kind of hate each
other. And it's like, yeah, it's just.
Where's that going to go, you know?
Yeah. We also then see Princess
Cortana, who's just sat there being hot, chilling, giving
Moody looks. Yeah. 10,000 years old. 10,000
years old. Again, you know, they're just
like, let's let's get someone that's got a list that's I think
the word would have probably been let's let's get someone a
bit exotic, but not but like like racially ambiguous kind of
it's it's it's very like America's Next Top Model Tyra
Banks is kind of like, let's just let's just say that you're
going to be like this kind of Thai esque queen.
Yeah, it's it's kind of like they're clearly just, they just
don't like leaning into like different races in this movie.
But we already have an Asian hero as the lead.
Yeah, everyone else needs to be whitish.
Whitish. Yeah, basically.
But the gods are white. All the gods are white.
You have to be white. Yeah.
She's so hot though. Excuse me?
She's like, yeah, what's she? Been in she OK, two things.
She has been in a movie called Vampirella which I really really
really want to watch. It's based on a comic book which
is about an alien from a vampire planet called Draculon who
becomes a crime fighter. OK, why haven't we done this?
She wears a bikini to fight crime, but a bikini with like a
little vampire collar on it. OK, that sounds like a Christmas
movie to me. I think we need to do that as a
Christmas movie. Yeah, she's amazing.
And she is married to Benjamin Bratt.
Oh. From Catwoman Catwoman.
Now I bet their kids are going to be hot.
Yeah, that's an attractive couple.
Although probably Dicks because do you remember Sharon Stone
hates Benjamin? Bratt that's right, That's
right. We trust Sharon's our.
Yes, we do. We.
Trust our Sharon. Oh yeah, love her, love her,
love her energy. She will appear in three to four
scenes before she speaks. The rules of feminism, yeah.
She's just going to be in the background giving like,
seductive, Moody glances. And so being kind of watched
slash protected by slash imprisoned by a weird 90s ravy
comedian reptile thing. Don't worry about it.
Then there's a banquet and loads of oily men come in.
Yes, they are so muscly and so oily.
It is so porny, it is so porny. And even the banquet is giving
porn. It's giving like a porn scene
isn't? It yeah, it's it's it's all very
hot. Sheng Sung.
Welcome. And I'll tell you one more
thing. Sorry, Sonya's not getting a
look in. Like, normally in these films,
it would be, you know, she would be being ogled and people would
be, you know, kind of a bit dangerous for her.
No, No one cares about Sonya. This is a different kind of
island and a different type of banquet.
Yeah. But they are ready to chow down
and feast. Yeah.
Right. Well, that makes sense.
When you find out their leader has four arms, you know what
those are for. Yeah, right.
Yeah. So this banquet, Shang Sung
welcomes everyone to Mortal Kombat.
Treasure these moments as if they were your host.
That's pretty good actually. Well done.
That's pretty good. And then the oily men flip all
the tables and there's a fight and Sub Zero comes out and he
freezes. A man who shatters.
Yeah, I thought it was great. I also like how much the man's
doing before. Yeah, just like it's like
someone's playing the computer game and is learning the moves
and just sort of pressing them all, but can't quite work out
how to move it with it. It's like kick, kick, kick,
kick. Yeah, trying to do a special
move, but you can't quite access it.
Meanwhile, someone else knows how to play and that's why they
get frozen straight. Yeah, but also you're you're
like, you have to just stay over there and wait until I learn the
controls. No, Mom, he's not playing fair.
It's very that the heroes then go snooping.
But you know Sonya does not need any help.
No. No, just like another Sonya we
know. Yeah, it's the same, yeah.
Are there any Sonyas that need help?
I can only think of 2. Yeah, at the moment and they
don't need any. Help.
No, they are strong, independent women.
They stumble on Kano, who is chatting to Prince Goro now.
That puppet cost £1,000,000. That or $1,000,000.
Puppet. This puppet Goro is A4 armed
monster who's like really tall and there's a man in that suit
and it also had 16 puppeteers. Wow.
And all of that money and effort to basically create like a
gurning goon face. I am obsessed with Goro's face.
He always looks like he's coming.
I done I would need to. I need to watch it back now now
with that in mind. It's so good.
And again, we've already said it, but he's got forearms for a
reason. He's on that sex island with all
of those oily men. He'd be very popular in Berlin
with forearms, yeah. Working his way through them
all, yeah. A hole for every arm and he's
only got 3 fingers so I think that makes the knuckle.
They're big, fat, juicy fingers though, aren't they?
Girthy fingers. Forearms the better for
foreplay. I love this puppet.
He looks like AG doubt roid queen who's like.
He behaves like 1. Exactly.
Like like he can't find his stash.
He's at The Afters and he's freaking out.
He's flipping tables. He needs constant validation
from his army of muscle twinks. You know he's great.
I have no notes for this puppet. No notes.
We get some more exposition. Shang Tseng tells Kano that Kano
is going to fight Sonia, but he's not to harm her, only
humiliate her because he has plans for her.
Sure. OK.
Yeah. And he also warns that Princess
Katana must not be allowed to team up with the humans because
that would be bad. And again, sure, I'm sure all of
this will become relevant to the plot later.
Yeah, I'm sure we'll come back in and make a lot of sense
later, but yeah, just the juxposition of this, of this
Sheng Song actor Kerry just giving it so hard in this
ridiculous movie. It's so great.
To a puppet and like. A man who's accidentally doing
Australian accent. Eating chicken.
Yeah, OK. Now we enter like the fight
scene portion of the movie, I would say, and it's pretty
relentless. I like, well, I like that
because they get caught and they they sort of run away, don't
they? Yeah.
But then it's like, again, it's so underwhelming.
Like Cortana shows them a blue corridor and then they basically
just walked around in a circle and they just end back up in the
main room again. It's, it's, it's just so like
low stakes, isn't it? Yeah, well, I don't think they
could afford more than two hallways.
So it's like we're back here again now.
Yeah, yeah. And then there's like a group
fight scene. We get to see everyone's moves.
Oh, they're starting to work as a team.
Oh, maybe these humans have what it takes.
Yeah. It's very bad energy and then we
enter fight scene after fight scene, which I guess is the
tournament. But the rules of this tournament
are not super clear to me. Like who gets pitted against who
or why? That doesn't really make any.
Sense it doesn't matter, does it to anyone?
But we've got Liu Kang, he's got the first fight against this guy
with like great little braids, and then Sheng Sung is watching
and his Bob has also been blown out.
Everyone's just looking, really. Yeah, here's Bob.
Here's Bob. He's that.
She's just gone. The other girls have been
through glam. Where is my glam team?
They have. Give me some volume now, you
motherfuckers. The salons on the out world
island. Oh, we're.
Going off to. Die for.
I just love Liu Kang's hair. It's so glossy and big and blown
out. It is.
It's majestic. It is.
That's a really beautiful way to describe it, yes.
Yeah, but he beat, he wins his first fight, and Shang Sung
sucks the soul out of the loser. And so now we know it's.
Quite sexy, isn't it? That bit, yeah.
That's not the only thing he's sucking on that island.
Then we get Sonya versus Kano. Kano is so gay porn coded.
Yeah, it's, it's absolutely ridiculous.
Just like, picture a 90s gay porn star and you've got it.
There for the taking. Yeah, I think this fight's
pretty great. Yeah, it's amazing.
I I actually see a camp clue in this fight and that is it's
giving showgirls energy. Shang Song, she's giving Crystal
Connors energy and Sonia is very much know me and you know it's
there when she's doing the first lap dust.
So right. Crystal's just kind of like
fight him, fight him and then. She's just him.
Yeah, finish him. And then she's getting her legs
and like, crushing his neck and I'm like, it's showgirls.
This is a camp clue, OK? Because he is sat there like
Crystal Connors and literally like when they're doing the lap
dance and, you know, finish him, finish him.
And then you've got Sonia as Nomi, like doing all the work.
Then she's putting her legs around his neck, crushing it.
And we have said this before, if you can see Crystal and Nomi in
characters, then we're we're on to some camp magic here.
And I was just like, imagine Gina Gershon and I can
Elizabeth. You can so.
Elizabeth Berkeley would so be with Sonia.
You're so right, she's another woman who does not need any
man's help and you can just immediately imagine Shang Song
being swapped for Gina Gershon. A little chainmail bikini doing
blow being like finish him off. Yeah.
You just do no me, you just do him and I'll watch.
Yeah, and then it's and then and then not wanting anyone to hurt
her because she wants to do something with her.
But yeah, Mortal Kombat meets Showgirls.
Here for it. No notes.
And just yeah, they both have like a signature thigh wrap
move. Incredible.
Wow. Just on the fight scene as well.
I just thought it was, I thought it was great.
She like takes some hard punches.
It looks like physical, it's like boxing.
It's not like flashy. It's just like rough, brutal
between the two. And unsurprisingly, they don't
do any of that. Kind of like, you know, her
being ultra fam, saying a sassy one liner, like, you know, like
it. She's fighting hard.
Yeah. Which is is good to see.
She does kill him with her thighs, which, you know, isn't
the best female representation you can get.
But she does kill him, so. Yeah.
So she kicked the bass. It's a great, great scene.
Oh my God. Now I just really want this
movie to get remade with only Gina Gershon swapped out.
Aren't. You going to come here and give
me a big kiss? Sonya's got heat.
OK. Then it's Johnny Cage versus
Scorpion. Carry out this fight, Yes.
Spectacular. You liked this one of?
Course, what is there to not like about someone that has this
weird little snake thing embedded in your hand when you
fight? Get over.
Here, but this snake is like doing the most, isn't it around
the woods? The CGI snake.
Zipping in and out of the woods. And my favorite thing was so for
people that haven't seen it, and it doesn't matter if you
haven't, but please go and watch it.
But yeah, this snake, the CGI snake comes out of his hand and
he's like chasing Johnny around the woods and is sort of like
trying to get him. And it's really frantic.
But so then you're left with Johnny and he turns and suddenly
the woods are empty. And he's like, oh, where is he?
Where is he? Is he is this is this where the
score? Is this where the the snake
thing is going to pop up and scare you?
Oh no. Just off in the distance,
Scorpion doing a little cartwheel into frame.
Just a cartwheel. Not a flip, not a fancy bit, not
particularly well executed cartwheel.
It's kind of like of the level you'd see like a mid drag drag
queen on Drag Race doing a cartwheel during a lip sync for
your life. It's very mid.
It's giving. It's kind of giving like Oompa
Loompa somehow. And it's not accompanied with
any sound effects to create danger or shock.
It's just like here I am. It's off in the distance, a
little goofy little cartwheel. This, that was originally the
entire fight scene. And then Johnny Cage does the
run and he does the jump kick and that was the end, right?
And and then test audiences were mad that there weren't enough
fights, so they did a whole reshoot.
And so now when he kicks them, they go into another dimension.
Yeah, you. You want to reshoot?
OK, You want it. You want us to switch this up?
Test audiences. OK, here's what we're going to
do. That kicks going to send them to
another dimension. It's it's it's hell.
Everything is banisters, rickety frames.
It looks actually fantastic I think.
Yeah, like it actually does look really cool, Yeah.
They have a big fight on the rickety set and then Scorpion
pulls off his mask and reveals his skull face and then starts.
Which looks like something from Poundland, yeah.
This movie came out like 2 years after Jurassic Park.
The 95 Ness of it all is no excuse.
Well, this is where I'd like to chip in, as we're talking about
CGI. So I read an interview with the
director talking about how he got how he got the role.
So this is Anderson speaking about working on the movie.
I had no experience with visual effects, so I went to Samuel
French's bookstore and I bought every single book I could find
on visual effects, on that painting, on CGII had the jargon
down. It sounded like I knew more than
CG about anyone else in Hollywood.
Even though I'd never been into the visual effects house in my
life. I kind of bluffed my way into
it. I think they could see the
enthusiasm. Sounds about why it's the Yeah,
that that. That is the approach to CGI,
because it's a very sweeping approach, isn't it?
There's not like a clear aesthetic to any of the CGI in
this movie. It's very just like, oh, let's
try that one now. Yeah.
It's like, I've just discovered clipart.
It's like, oh, let's do that that, let's do that one now.
Have we done all of them? Have we chit checked all of the
boxes and we've got that effect to use?
Let's add that one as well. Some of it looks so bad.
There's this reptile character which I haven't even bothered to
explain, but yeah. The 90s gecko.
Yeah, the 90s gecko who looks like.
Yeah, he's about to give you advice on your word processor
anyway. But at the end of this scene
where we he kills an inhale skull creature, this is where I
put in capital letters. These people are on drugs.
Yeah, everyone is on drugs now. I'm on drugs watching it.
The people making it. We're everyone's on drugs.
We're in drugs. Johnny Cage slices the head off
Scorpion and then Scorpion explodes and then a Johnny Cage
signed autograph flutters to the ground.
Star wipe out of the scene. Yeah, we're, we're, we're all on
drugs here. One question how did Johnny Cage
get out of that hell dimension? Every fight just ends with a
wipe. Yeah, it's, again, it's a very
yadda, yadda useful mechanism, isn't it?
I imagine working on a project like that where you kind of hit
a bump in the road, it's like, oh shit, what we're going to do
in this? We'll just do a wipe.
Yeah, that'd. Be fine, just do a wipe.
Time passes, Luke, Hang and Cortana have a fight.
It's unclear. Is this a part of the
tournament? I'm not sure.
It kind of looks like they're like.
Mentoring him, isn't she? She's giving him like sexy a
sexy pep talk while they fight. She says she gives him a
coaching on how to win his next fight.
He fights sub zero. He wins.
Who cares? Yeah, that bit, that's all a bit
like, yeah, isn't it? Yeah, then Goro is back.
My Circuit G Queen, she's here and she's finally ready to
party. Sheng Sung sets him loose, and
we just see a super cut of Goro beating loads and loads of
fighters. And then it's Goro versus
Arlene, and yeah, Arlene dies and I think we're supposed to
care. It's like.
Well, well, yeah. Because like the others are
showing like big emotions. That's what I wrote down to
Sonia screaming no as a substitute for any actual
character development. And this is Sonia, who's proven
that she has zero emotions or compassion for anyone else
because she's so just like, I don't need anyone.
But now, no, apparently she's really bonded with Arlene and.
Arlene We haven't seen it. It's happened during the Star
wipe. Arlene is such a bad character.
It's so bad no one cares that they died.
Arlene, no one cares, but we do get a nice another nice Shang
song. Your soul is mine.
Yeah. And then the spunk in the
eyeball. Yeah, he, he his.
Turns out that your soul looks quite cummy.
You ever get cum in your eye, Gabriel?
It burns. But you knew that.
I did. So now it's like, Oh my God, the
heroes are like, how are we going to beat Goro?
He's unbeatable. What are we going to do?
And so we get a Raiden pep talk and he says to them all.
You must first face your fears if you are to conquer them.
He says to Johnny, You're afraid you're a fake, and you're so
you'll rush into any fight to prove you're not.
Sonia is afraid to admit she needs help.
She must learn to trust. And Liu Kang is afraid of his
own destiny. And I'm sure that's going to be
really, all of those things will be really pivotal to the finale
of the movie or the plot in some way.
It's very Wizard of Oz, isn't it?
Yeah, and we cut to Johnny Cage and Sonia on the beach and we've
yadda yadda yadda to a place where they've got some kind of
relationship going. Yeah, like where did that come
from? I guess it's because he must
have been there for her when Arlene died.
Yeah, she's been so upset about Arlene's death.
And I'll just remind you that Raiden has just said to Johnny,
you're so afraid you're a fake that you'll rush into any fight
to prove you're not. And then the next scene, Johnny
Cage is saying I'm going to fight Goro.
It's the only way. So that's his plan.
Those two things you'd think would be like, narratively
consequential, but no, no, you'd be wrong about that.
That has nothing to do with this scene, because Johnny then goes
to fight Goro and he just kind of wins quite quite easily.
Yeah, I mean that that big bad G queen fell down quite easily,
really. Yeah, this is where you fall
down. I love the shot of Goro falling
off a Cliff. It looks great.
The flailing forearms is just quite fab.
Yeah, they they really said fuck characters.
Fuck, fuck plot, fuck consequences, fuck any of it.
What about oily men going? Yeah, yeah, and I'm fine with
it. One thing I did notice about the
puppet, though, is that his pupils dilate.
It's like, oh, that's a nice touch.
That is a nice touch. Yeah.
So I love that you've made a note of that.
And that's something you just wanted to kind of.
They spent that $1,000,000, you know.
Yeah. Anyway, Sheng Sung then abducts
Sonia and takes her to Out World, where Raiden can't
follow. And again, this is all part of
the rules of the contest. I'm sure we're all following
along. Raiden says to to Liu Kang.
I have nothing left to teach you.
I mean, we haven't seen him teach him anything.
Anything. But that's fine.
Johnny and Liu Kang go to Out World.
On the way they're attacked by Reptile.
I actually cackled when the techno came back in.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Cackled.
It's so good. Do you know who that song is?
No, it's Tracy Lords. Is it?
Oh my God, it's an. Instrumental version of a Tracy
Lords song Oh Wow called Control and it is an exceptional song.
Originally, when they were trying to sell the soundtrack to
this, they were like, Oh yeah, Electro music, electronic dance
music. Great.
We'll get Janet Jackson. Now they ended up with Lords of
Acid who didn't want their name to be on it, so they rebranded
themselves as The Immortals. This album went platinum.
Yeah, it was. It was the biggest selling EDM
record or some fastest selling EDM record of all of all time at
this point. Mental, mental.
This was the other fight scene that was added in post, which
again, I think you can tell because they they once again get
punched into another arena. Yeah, where it's just where the
fight takes place. This.
Also I'm glad they did Add all of this shit because you could
imagine now I know they are making a new one but with these
like. They made.
It yeah, that it's coming out soon in the summer, I think.
Another new one. Yeah, a brand new one.
But like you can imagine now with these prequels, they are so
fucking slow. It would be 2 1/2 hours long
that you could imagine. They would just be all origin
story. There would be no fight and then
right at the end they'd play the theme and it would be like.
You're right. And they're just like, no, add
more fights. It's based on a computer game,
yeah, where all you do is fight. So and make it happen.
I think they could have cut maybe one or two fights for a
couple more scenes with characters.
You're so traditional. Just one or two, not the good
ones, but I think it would have overall made the film make some
amount of sense. Yeah.
And then Cortana is there in Outworld, and she says to Liu
Kang in the Black Tower, you will face three challenges.
You must face your enemy, you must face yourself, and you must
face your greatest fear. This movie loves the big
proclamation, as though that is enough to create the stakes.
But it has again nothing to do with anything happening.
And also, it really sets it up for something exciting to
happen. Like, it really doesn't pan out
like that, does it? But then we cut to the tower and
there is Sonia. Wow, wow, they the gods have
been doing yes gods with her. She has had a big back home
moment. She's in kind of like a leather.
Corset a leather pleated corset dress situation.
She's very damseled. She's like fully spread eagled
she looks. How does that work in like a
hostage situation where you get a, you get a makeover?
Yeah, like who gave it to her? Shang Song.
And like, yeah, like. And how does it work?
It's like I've captured you. Now sit down because I'm going
to beat your face. Again, it's actually very
crystal Connors coded. You know that the the showgirl
scene where they're slaves, it's.
Very bad. I love Shang Sung is like a
lesbian Dom who's like, yes, first let me get you out of this
Janet Jackson look. And it's into something a little
sexier. I I can see you in brown
leather. Yeah.
Actually they don't give a fuck about the tournament.
These are all power play games between the two of them.
There's always someone younger and hungrier anyway.
But yeah, she looks amazing and it is just, it's just so
ridiculous. I watched this movie by myself
and there were multiple times when I just cackled out.
Loud to myself. This was a pure cackle to me,
yeah. And I was watching it by myself
as well. But this was like a pure cackle
of joy. Yeah.
It's so great if you're listening to this and you're
imagining big hair, but you're not imagining enough hair,
especially because this character has only been in a
tight ponytail this entire movie so far.
Feminism. Liu Kang arrives.
He fights Shang Sung. I like him saying no.
I challenge you while he's stripping.
Yeah, Yeah, that was a nice touch, wasn't it?
Yeah. And then Cortana, like, calls
back to that thing she's just warned Liu Kang about the three
things he's going to have to face first, face your enemy.
And Shang Sung then summons a bunch of dead warriors to fight
for him. I love these warriors because
they all enter Destiny's Child Super Bowl style.
They've all been fired from a cannon from under the stage, and
they're all doing their best to land it like Michelle.
Well, you know she's going to put on a production, don't you?
I mean, one thing Crystal Connors knows, it's how to put
on a show. Yeah, again, this would have
been such an easy plot fix, but we've already seen at this
point, Shang Sung murder and drain the souls of two people
that, like, had fights. Why didn't they come back to
fight? Why didn't Arlene come out of
the ground to have to fight Liu Kang?
Yeah, great. Yeah.
That would have. You know, no, but no.
It's just five more faceless men that do not matter anyway.
Liu Kang beats them and then it's Face yourself, which
nothing happens. No Lu Kang.
Lu Kang handles that trial just by saying I will fight you.
I think it is. Yeah, like it's there's nothing
to report there at all. It's bananas, and then it's face
your greatest fear. And so Lu Kang and Sheng Sung
are standing face to face, quite close, and then Sheng
shapeshifts into his dead brother, and Lu Kang's like,
what? You're dead, it can't really be
you. No, you've literally just
watched him transform in front of your very eyes.
And as we know, if you're going to shapeshift, you need to do it
in a smart way. Allah, Evelyn, and Masters of
the Universe, like she knows what she's doing.
Yeah. Go behind a door, come back in.
Yeah. And then get what you need, then
give a hug, then pull out and be like ha ha ha, it was me you
fucking loser. Courtney Cox.
Anyway, then Liu Kang says I'm the chosen 1.
Sure, yeah, whatever. And then?
And then Fireball blasts Shangsong off his stage onto
some spikes. I mean, it's a very unremarkable
way to kill the final boss, isn't it really?
No it definitely wasn't giving you must based your 3 greatest
fears. But Sheng Sung melts, and then
all of the souls he stored escape and Orbital plays, which
is the song that's also featured at the end of Mean Girls.
Oh, I love that. Yeah.
Well, no, we say, we say goodbye to his brother.
And that is where possibly the worst special effects are used.
The CGI way that he's just sort of like a blue sort of frozen
moment where he sort of goes back to Scott, the sky as an
Angel. And it's just very shit.
It's like such bad. It's like, am I watching this an
episode of like, it's Strictly Come Dancing at Christmas?
It's giving like a snowman coming to life like blue blue,
you're so right going around. And then we're back on Earth and
our heroes are like, woo Hoo, we did it and Sonia is.
Like, Oh yeah, he and what's his name like with It's like, oh,
you crazy Earthlings. Yeah, I you did.
Great. And then the sky opens and the
emperor attacks and everybody gets into fighting formation and
the movie ends and. I I just wrote stunning ending.
Stunning ending, No notes. Literally stunning ending.
It was just it was just so weird.
And again, like the big end moment of like what the fuck
this big like monster evil demon thing.
And it's like, again, they've literally just given up on CGI
at this point. It's so bananas.
I mean, I know this whole movie is nonsense garbage, but it is
my nonsense garbage and I love it.
I love it so much. I love that it ends with Sonia
in that blowout and the leather dress.
This for me is like such a good example.
Like we got all pissy about Van Helsing, but it's because we
were bored by Van Helsing. Whereas this, this film is one
of those ones where it's a pile of shit.
But like you're not bored. There's there's always something
happening and it's it's enjoyable and it's yeah, it's a
hot steaming turd, but I loved every second of it it.
It's so fun. Know what's happening.
Oh techno song, oh oily men, oh sexy lady, oh porn star coded
Australian cockney man, oh blowouts.
It's just constant, constant constant.
And, and for a film that is meant to be like targeted to
straight CIS men and should, it should really be very, very
masked. It really isn't that mask.
It's a spine. There are so many mask people.
It's when mask goes so far it comes background to gay.
Yeah, it's just. Like I can't imagine in the year
2025 straight men watching this and being like, yeah bro it is
so gay. I don't know though, because
have you seen like those viral clips of like those all male
retreats where you like, go and you just train all day and eat
steak and you just meditate and you think about man things and
you channel your sexual energy back into your body like they're
still doing this. But do you get that from this?
Because I'm I just don't. I just see like the girls.
I think that's what they're trying to do.
But watching it as a gay person, you're just like, well, this
just seems very silly for everyone.
Yeah, I'm just like, I don't believe any of them could win a
fight either. I'm like, I know they're all
ripped and stuff, but maybe Sonia.
But I'm just like everyone else. I'm just like.
Yeah, it's. The girls are fighting.
Yeah, it's it's got that kind of Kung Fu movie sort of thing
where things are so pretty that it doesn't feel like real
violence is taking place. And also as well, because they
didn't want to have an R rating, they couldn't do anywhere near
as much violence as the computer games, because the computer
games are like, wildly violent, aren't they?
Yeah, the computer games set off a moral panic around violence
and games. It's the reason that games have
ratings is because of Mortal Kombat.
Yeah, and they weren't allowed to do that.
I mean, their target audience was teenage boys.
It was me. And even Even so, I wasn't
allowed to see it. I wasn't old enough.
So they had to do it. It would have made the movie
better if there'd been a bit more blood and guts.
Yeah. You haven't seen Mortal Kombat
2, have you? No, but I really want to see it
now because. Yeah, I think we do need to
cover it at some point because it takes everything that's bad
about this movie and turns it to like 1000.
Right. OK, perfect.
It's it's so much worse. It's so much worse.
And that is an an achievement in itself because.
It's got 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, and I'll just very quickly tell
you it starts exactly where this movie cuts off.
That is where it opens, but they've replaced almost every
cast member. Oh, I love that so much.
I love that so much. So even the king of sequels
isn't in it. No, even Johnny Cage isn't.
He had better offers, I guess. The only people holding still.
Yeah, the only people who are still in it are Liu Kang and
Cortana. Oh, she's in it.
She's an OG, yeah. Everyone else recast and like
the new Sonia. Oh.
OK, OK. Wonderful, Wonderful.
I need to see that then. Yeah, Yeah.
And it's amazing. This was such a big hit.
Yeah, yeah, it's it's funny one. I, I, I it is a bad, bad movie,
but some of it is. You're not going to agree with
me here. I think the sets and nothing's
green screened yet. I don't know.
There's something like gritty and real that I like about it,
but I like the visual quality of it.
And at the same time it's like so much nonsense is happening
that but when you add those two things together, I'm just having
a nice time. I'm.
Definitely with you. I think it's, it's, yeah, it's
very like 90s movie. It, it kind of reminds me of a
hook for some reason. Yes, the sets are very hook.
Yeah, yeah. But I don't know if it's a good
movie in any capacity though. No.
I think it's interesting. It's interesting to me that a
film that could be so successful and have things that like pin it
so like the biggest selling EDM album, blah blah blah, all of
that. But yes, it does feel like a
flop. Like this has absolutely hardly
any ongoing legacy. Do you not think I think there's
a generation of straight men who love of this movie?
Oh really? That's.
Not like a good legacy to have. No, but I can't.
I can't. Yeah.
I don't think I've crossed paths with those people.
Yeah, but it just doesn't feel like commercial to me, which is
a benefit. It feels like despite it did
well at the box office, it feels like a kind of a cult gem rather
than a mainstream. I know what you mean.
I think that is partially because none of the actors had a
career. It's just starring no one and
everyone's just doing their best.
I'm sad that there's a new one coming out.
They made one like 2 years ago. Yeah, have you seen that one?
Yeah, I think it was like, fine. It was just like watered down,
so it didn't have the joy, right.
Bam. Oh, so it's the sequel Mortal
Kombat 2 that's coming? Oh wow, it's been delayed.
It was meant to be released in October.
It's been delayed till May. Wow.
Which I think means it's gonna flop if they're already delaying
it. Yeah, definitely doesn't need
that. That doesn't need to happen.
Although I probably am going to go watch that remake when we get
off this call. I'm down so far down the rabbit
hole that I'll just continue consuming Mortal Kombat content.
Yeah, I think it needs to be done, I think.
I don't have anything else to say about this movie.
No, I think, I think it would be giving it far too much justice
to give it any more Like like critique.
There's no themes to discuss here, but we did somehow manage
to talk about it for a very long time and.
Because there's lots to talk about as well.
There's nothing to talk about but like, so much.
So much. I could still carry on talking
about that silver bouncy blowout wig.
OK, well let's rate this movie. OK, so Merrells and Liza's.
Ten Merrells, up to 10 Merrells for the quality and up to 10
Liza's or the camp factor. Oh.
OK, I'm going to give the production design a few bones.
Yeah. And I I want to give the Shang
Sung actor a couple of crumbs as well.
Yeah, and by crumbs I do mean crumbs.
Like I think I'm going to give it a 2 for Merrill.
OK, yeah, OK. I was actually going to give it
a three. OK.
Yeah, I just, no, it's. It kind of like if you think
about it. No, it's just production.
It's just production. Yeah.
It's just that it looks good. I mean, two.
I'll, I'll sit on the 2 with you.
Yeah. OK, great.
Oh, you'll sit on a 2? Sit on A2 with you, OK?
But what about Liza's? How camp is this movie?
I mean, before we were talking today in the podcast, I, I, I
hadn't come up with a score in my head, but I wasn't kind of as
camp feeling as I have been talking to you.
Like literally going through it. It feels ridiculously camp in so
many ways. I've talked you up.
It's, it's a different type of camp.
This is like the type of camp where it's just so bad, but
there's so many bad decisions that just make it.
It's pure accidental camp. There's no like, even when they
did the backcombing makeover, I don't think they really knew
what what it was going to be doing to people like us watching
it. So there's something about that
type of camp that is so delicious.
Yeah, I was nervous doing this movie because I knew how
important it was in my childhood.
And I was like, I'm going to be really biased.
I'm not going to be able to think about this movie
objectively. Hadn't seen it in like 30 years
probably, but actually watching it, I was like, Oh no, I've I've
had a lovely camp time with it. Yeah, it's not like my campus of
all time. It's too heterosexual,
ultimately, I think, to be like one of the greats.
But also imagine doing a screening of this where everyone
is drunk. I just.
Think I think it's got legs, I really do.
But you're right, it's not, it's not like an ultimate camp.
I'm going to go 9 though because it is really really camping.
I love that I. Have so much, I have so much joy
watching it and like and I just normally hate anything that's
too Hetty, but I just even this is just sure they're all Hetty,
but really they're all massive benders really, I think.
Wow, I can't believe we got a nine out of you for this.
Am I going to? Am I going to meet you at A9?
Yeah. I think for your heart's telling
you. I think for my inner child, I'm
there with you. Yes.
Fatality. It's a nine.
Can you see how flush I've gotten talking about this movie?
Yeah, it really has done something to you, hasn't it?
This. This film, it is so stupid and I
want people that listen to the podcast to watch this and
because it's way better than fucking scream.
If you want a camp fucking. Thrill, Michael Yeah, Listen to
it after. I mean, watch it.
I mean, you've already listened to this episode, so I can't tell
you what to do in the past, but hopefully you haven't watched
it. You have listened to this and
now you can watch it and just substitute out Gina Gershon for
the whole movie. Can I also have one more
request? Actually, I would like another,
another female fighter in it. Yeah, there should have been.
There should have been, you know, to just have someone on
the dark side would have been, would have been good.
There was supposed to be a fight between Sonia and Jade who was
like an evil hench woman of Shang Song but they didn't film
it. Yeah, that's what I needed.
That would have probably tilted it to attend for me.
Cool. Well, should we finish this
podcast? I've already finished well.
We recorded well. I think I'm built myself up to
finish again, so if you want to finish me, now's your chance.
Just channel my inner Goro. 4 hands wanking.
Bye bye. Get away from her, you bitch.
Classic. He was in the Amazon with my mom
when she was researching spiders right before she died.
No, Hannah, I thought you become a prostitute.
You're a. GOG at it.
I used to love doggy chow. I used to love doggy chow too.
Oh dear.