What does the nanny do? OK, so we're done.
Goodbye. You shut it off.
Do not twist my words. Do not make me a victim,
sweetie. Just look at the mountain.
That's what you saw. That day, just the knife in the
kidneys over all these years and the sacrifices that I made to
love you. Welcome back, valued listeners,
to Part 2 of What Episode Are We On Kimber?
Season 5, Episode 7 Pilgrimage into the Past.
Polygamous pilgrimage into the past.
Yes. Polygamous pilgrimage into the
past. Absolutely success.
So Meri lets us know that we're only 250 miles to our
destination today, so we're on day four of our road trip.
Last travel day. She made it very clear that they
were front heavy on their miles so that today could just be
easy breezy. Beautiful cover girl.
Which is like yay, well literally yay.
Christine's like yay and claps like an imbecile and I'm like
cool. She's like a wind up little
monkey toy. Great for Christine.
Kody's excited. He thinks that they're actually
going to be able to enjoy the day today.
Ah well. Maybe they will, darling.
Where are they going to make their stop?
On the way, though? They're not going directly to
their destination. They're going to make a stop
somewhere, and I believe the town might be called Hannibal.
Hannibal, MO And they're going to the Mark Twain Boyhood Home
and Museum. Absolutely.
I really want to emphasize boyhood and I will continue to
emphasize boyhood and reemphasize boyhood because I'm
like, who uses the term boyhood?
It's so archaic now. I guess we are talking about
things that are old and archaic and made-up and stupid.
So, OK, but boyhood, Why isn't it just childhood?
Their childhood home, Mark Twain's childhood home, boyhood
home, everything's boyhood. The places that we're going,
they're going to talk about the men as their boyhood homes
repeatedly. And it's like, maybe it's just
because I'm too woke and we're not supposed to be gender
specific. Well, I think that it's because
Mark Twain was trans in his later life.
Oh, he became a woman? Yes.
Oh, she became a woman. Excuse me?
I know many women named Mark too.
So it works for both genders. Well, we meet our tour guide and
he has an interesting name. Henry Sweets.
And they do call him something else.
Maybe he's earned a degree of some sorts or somehow.
I don't think he, you know, helps women give birth or takes
care of children, but you never know.
Doctor Sweets? Dr. Sweets?
I'm guessing he has a doctorate in Mark Twain mythology or
history. Mark Twain's boyhood home,
curator of the museum. That is who Henry Sweet says.
Why do we have to keep saying boyhood?
Well, apparently important, yeah.
You know, it was what they said back then.
So we can't wash over it with our mentality.
Right. Well, what would it be for a
girl? Her girlhood home?
Yeah. Oh, really?
Yeah, well, that's. What they say about like, Little
House on the Prairie, whatever girlhood.
Oh, whatever, right? Mark Twain travelled through the
Utah Territory during the height of Mormon polygamy.
Dr. Sweets lets us know. And he lets us in on a journal
entry of Mark Twain's. And he just really felt like he
needed to read this out loud to the Browns.
And I'm going to let you just take it away here.
When he's traveling through the Utah Territory, he takes note
about polygamous women from his apparently 2 day stay in Salt
Lake City. Gathered a lot in two days, he
says. I was touched.
OK everyone, this is Mark Twain. This is not Chris, allegedly.
Well, the first sentence was is me.
I was touched. Oh, maybe I should take a little
liberty with his quote. Add little moose bushes in here
and. There I was touched in my nether
regions, these poor, ungainly and pathetically homely
creatures. The man that marries one of them
has done his act of Christian charity and the man who has
married 60 of them has done a deed of open hearted generosity
so sublime that the nation should stand uncovered in his
presence and worship. Silence.
Now I'm you know, I'm not the most familiar with Mark Twain
and his ramblings or her ramblings, whatever gender Mark
Twain was. But apparently Mark Twain was
touched enough by the men who were generous enough to marry
these homely, ugly women, so he thought they were ugly.
The men are doing these ugly women a favor, and it was an act
of Christian charity that the men even married more than one.
Yeah, you know, what are you
going to do? Listen, ugly women exist.
I don't know what to say. We're here, we're ugly, we're
proud, God. Ugly people rise ugly.
People rise up. You know, I feel like I could go
on a little bit of a tangent right now about most of the
polygamist women I've seen in television shows and specials
and documentaries, but it might be considered crass.
Some women might say, Chris, you are just a sexist asshole and.
To that I would say he did go to an anti women's voting rally
the other week and I was like what?
You don't believe that women have the right to vote?
And we got into it. We did.
I can't believe you brought up that I went to this anti women's
voting rights rally. It's just I knew where to find
it. You did.
I knew it existed. I was.
I was subscribed. I said let me know.
It was at the shooting range out in Timbuktu of nowhere.
It was it was near boyhood hometown.
It was near Nauvoo. It was really, it was crazy.
I had to travel in an RV with all my other Manaverse friends.
You know, I'm very, I'm very big
in the Manaverse, obviously. Oh, the women are super offended
by this. Well, this is it.
We go to the couch for them to talk about it and Kody cracks a
joke about how some polygamous women are pretty, including his
wives. And of course the women rib him
for putting his foot in his mouth because it's ridiculous.
And what does he say? What does Christine say?
Oh my gosh, she's like, you're not the one being called ugly
and downtrodden. That's right, because he's like,
I'm not offended. And it's like, well, no, they're
not the one being called ugly and downtrodden.
You're the one being called semi God.
I don't think that was said, but OK, yeah.
Well, I mean, he's, you know, he should be worshipped in front
of people. He's, you know, Christian blah
blah, done his Christian doings.
He acts like a Oh my God. Yeah.
And of course, you know, Christine's really, Of course
you're not offended. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Kody says this must have been a reference to other
polygamist women. Because my wives are all
beautiful. And his pants started on fire.
He did start on fire. They all laugh.
And this was a moment that I loved because Janelle caught my
attention because I noticed how much in the second-half of this
episode or recently, she just has been smiling and chuckling
during all of their couch moments.
Like it's been so cute. Like there are times where she
just seems so disengaged. She's just kind of looking off
into wherever. And it kind of started that way
in this episode. But by this point, like halfway
through plus she is laughing at everything and I feel like she's
getting a kick out of everyone ribbing Kody.
But also kind of the ridiculousness of it all.
Like Janelle's probably the smartest of them.
I'm guessing that's subjective, but I think she kind of.
Even though that's hard to say when she's dedicated her life to
this idiotic idea. So take that.
I'm trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube.
I don't think you can do that. It's just fun to see your let
her hair down and laugh like I'm like thank you Janelle.
Oh my gosh. Yeah, she is chuckling along.
She's not really contributing much to the conversation on the
couch conversations lately, but she is kind of chuckling along,
which is better than the dead stare or the laser eyes where
she was like burning a hole through the carpet in the room
in a few of the most recent episodes.
Another thing I noticed was that Kody's hair is styled with a
moderate Keith Urban look, and I'm wondering if this is our
first time seeing this look from him.
Have we referenced his Keith Urban hair in a present state?
Well, he flips it under sometimes like he's a soccer
mom. Yeah.
And this one, it was like had like a slight wave and then out.
Yeah.
And I was like, I feel like it's look like they're trying.
He's trying to be contemporary Keith Urbanish.
I'm too distracted by his sunburn and his no sunburn.
I don't know why he's always so sun drenched.
It's like, Oh my gosh, put a hat on.
It's all of that work he's doing out in their yards, prepping
for the whole. That's right, he does love some
manual. Digging in the dirt, digging in
the dirt. I think that he actually, a
couple times throughout this episode on the couch has changed
looks. So I noticed at one point it was
flipped under and then it very clearly is more Keith Urbanish
in other interviews. So these were definitely
recorded across different days for the commentary from them on
this trip. Absolutely, he definitely does
look different in multiple instances and one of them is
this new contemporary styling and I thought interesting.
I wonder if the fame is hitting Kody Brown.
Well, it's interesting and I hope, I don't know if you mind
sharing this, but you know somebody that was on a reality
TV show and they had to keep their hairstyle from their first
interview through the entire show, correct?
Like for every interview. Yeah, My friend was on a reality
show. This is going to be the giveaway
where they do a makeover. Yeah.
And so up until they do the makeover, you have to keep your
hair the same. And then at some point, they
even have you wear, like, hats and wraps and stuff, which is
super jarring as a person being interviewed because you're
like, now I just look like an idiot.
But yeah, usually they try to have a continuity with that.
Yeah. But also, that is a, like,
elimination reality show. So I think it's a little more
about like, you know. That makes sense.
I don't know, but you would still think you'd want them to
be like, hey, you know, if you're going to talk about
things for the when you're talking about the same day,
yeah, please look the same. You would think so.
I have listened to some other like tell all type of things
where they're talking about, you know, TV shows and the behind
the scenes interviews. And they will make them like
wear the same shirt, the same outfit over and over and over
again. And here you've got Kody's hair
like blatantly in, out, in, out.
Like it's different. And same with Meri.
You know Meri's hair. Oh, Meri's hair is just
constantly changing things up. I don't even know.
Luckily, we just kind of move on from that situation.
Was there anything else about Miss Mark Twain's childhood or
boyhood home that you want to talk about?
Well, the women are kind of ragging on Kody, and they're
telling him that he should have stood up for them.
And he's like, what was I going to do?
Like, this is a quote from a long time ago.
And then he says some silly things and he was like, shakes
his first at the camera and gets really fake and goes, Mark
Twain, you bastard, shut up and shakes his first.
And he's, like, obviously joking about defending the women and,
like, mocking what he would say.
And then Christine goes, that's all you had to say.
Like she really thought that he should have spoken up to Doctor
Sweets and defended him. Like OK.
Well, what do you have said? The guy Doctor Sweets is talking
about dead misses Mark Twain. I mean, what was going to get to
defend their honor to this guy who's like reading a quote?
I do find it funny that they read this at all.
I know that they weren't stopping at like a Mormon site,
but they were stopping somewhere.
So they had to tie in the Mormon like religion and polygamist
somehow. So obviously they picked this
quote as like a tie in to make it relevant for the show.
But don't you think that he probably had to give the
producers multiple options of quotes and that's the one they
chose? Probably.
Yeah, could be. Yeah, if I remember correctly.
Also, I hope it didn't already happen in the show and I'm just
forgetting. But in the future, there's some
reference to a piece, like a art piece, some drawing or
painting, and I think it might be connected to Mark Twain, but
it might not be. And it actually might be their
friend Chris, who owns the. Place that they're going to stay
at Harrah's Place. Yeah.
And the pawn shop. The pawn shop, yeah, there's
like a picture or a painting or a drawing or something of the
polygamist women. And they're all hideous, like
intentionally drawn to be, you know, like a witch or whatever.
And then there's like the new
wife who's all like rich and spoiled and pretty.
And so I think that comes in the future.
And I, I, for some reason it's making me think Missus Mark
Twain, like maybe it's a drawing from one of his books or
something. OK.
So that must be coming up because we have not seen this
yet, but it's interesting because they're maybe teeing it
up or picked this quote for a reason.
Yeah, OK, that could possibly be.
So that's interesting to call out now.
I had no idea Missus Mark Twain was so connected to the
polygamous culture. No, my, Oh my, misses Mark
Twain, you dirty birdie. Misses Mark Twain and her big
old knockers now. Do you have anything before they
drive into Nabu, darling? Because we do eventually get to
Nabu, not Nabu. Nabu on the planet of Nabu in
Star Wars, that's where we're going.
I would prefer to have gone there with them, but.
We could call it Nabu, but that would, I feel like it'd be
insulting to the actual creativity of, you know, Star
Wars and Disney and whoever those people.
Were no, no, not to George Lucas.
Oh, that's right. Lucas Films, Yes, But when they
drive into Nauvoo, Kody's, you know, talking about, oh, we're
coming along the river and then the road turns and then there's
a field and then there's a building and it just smacks you
in the face. And I was like, it all looks a
little Midwest. Very Midwest.
I mean, it's glorious. We live in the Midwest.
I'm not trying to put it down, but it's a little like, OK,
yeah, you took a turn and then there was a building.
I don't know that it was really all that, like the angels
weren't singing to me. The angels were singing to him
and Christine because she is ridiculously excited and getting
goosebumps. She's such a.
Glory to God in the highest Christians getting goosebumps
again, Jesus. Oh man, oh wow, that's going to
be so I'm sorry you guys, I'm really sorry.
I just was moved by the Spirit, the.
Spirit moved me. Totally.
I'm being moved by the spirit, man.
So nothing talked to you? Oh no, you were moved by the
spirit of Christine's whatnotness.
But did you experience anything while seeing this footage of
them entering Nauvoo Darling? No, I just saw, you know, the
water on the left and they're coming around that river bend OR
that water bend into Nauvoo. And glory to God in the highest,
Our Jesus Savior is here and He made this land that they are
about to step foot on. And this land is your land, and
this land is my. Land, and it was made for you
and me. Thank you.
You know, it's so weird to hear people talking about Joseph
Smith, Brigham Young and others when you weren't raised in
Mormonism. So this is where we're going,
right? We're going to Nauvoo.
We're going to hear about these characters.
Apparently they were real people.
I don't know, whatever when you weren't raised Mormon.
What I constantly think of and have flashbacks to is South Park
episodes where they're like making fun of Mormonism, and
when they're like telling the story of Joseph Smith, Dum dum,
dum, dum dum. And then it's like dum, dum,
dum, dum, dum, dum, dum dum. Like the whole story is just
dum, dum, dum, dum dum. Like the whole thing is absurd.
I mean, there literally are two religions that you can trace
the roots of and it is Scientology and it is
Mormonism. And I just truly believe these
people are not the brightest. They're taking one person's word
1 like horny man's word that was moved by the spirit of God
and he got a little twitch in his Wiener and he wanted more
wise. And even beyond that, like
Mormonism in general, like the finding of the tablet, the stone
tablet and the writings and this and the that.
And it's like, you can literally trace it back to its origins.
And I kind of find it disturbing.
And it speaks to the human condition in general that we
just want to believe in something.
So you pick and choose what you want to believe in.
I don't know. But community you want to be a
part of. And it's a little like fucked up
to me, I mean. Well, and I've avoided talking
about Scientology because they go after you, you know, whatever
that's called, there's a term for it.
L Ron Hubbard was like a failed science fiction writer who was
injured, quote UN quote, but not really and created this
religion. Like it's weird that people and
when we talked about this before, the also counter to this
delusional faith that is just kind of like if you have enough
rational thinking, you can just kind of I don't want to say it
about all religions, but these religions specifically, it seems
so obviously not true. And then the participants, the
followers, the whatever are just so pious and they are like
anyone who doesn't believe what we believe are ridiculous.
Like I'm literally better than everybody and like they feel bad
literally for other people. Like you just don't get it.
And it's like. No, you don't get it.
You literally are following the doctrines and the covenants of
men that you can trace it back to, and they're listening to
their Ding dongs and they want to be laid more.
And so you're just going to believe that they were speaking
to God. Everyone has an inner voice,
right? I could say my inner voice is
God to me and be like, oh, I get to do whatever I want because
my inner voice God is telling me.
And people would be like, no, you're fucking nuts.
You're starting a cult. That's literally what this is.
It's just that it was like long enough ago.
So that people think like that it's OK enough to, I don't know,
follow it. But we're talking about Nauvoo,
Illinois. I mean, we're talking about
people that literally like were around in contemporary enough
times that there was a newspaper like what L Ron Hubbard was
alive? I don't even know, like a couple
decades ago. Like this is insane.
He wrote books, and he to this day, I think is the author
that's written the most books in the world, and they're all
horseshit and they're all really awful.
Like I don't know if you've ever looked at them, but the writing
is terrible. He just honestly wanted the
title of writing enough books to outdo everyone else.
Because he's a man in a manosphere.
A delusion, I know well, I'm a big fan, I know.
You are. He didn't want women to vote
either. Unless they had tinfoil hats on,
then he wanted them to vote so.
As I said, I brought up Joseph Smith, Brigham Young and these
others. You know, there's some names
we're going to talk about. If you know him, you know him.
If you don't, you don't need to know him.
But when the Brown family is arriving in Nauvoo, coming
around this riverbend and seeing a building, they arrive at
Hiram Smith's boyhood home, like another boyhood home.
We're just getting crushed by the boyhood homes in this
episode. I did not hear the boyhood home.
I knew it was just Hiram Smith's home, but he was an adult when
he lived there, I thought. Well, they're going when they
arrive. They arrive at his boyhood home.
They might have gone to two different places.
I'm. Not quite sure.
OK. At this point is when I had to
rely more on you, honey, because I started to, you know, my
skin started turning inside out and my eyes turned red and I
was like, I can't do this, my God.
And I said I can't be a historian about this crazy shit
that doesn't matter. And you're like I can.
I wrote down a lot of the story because I'm I need to impart
this wisdom to our listeners ears.
I can't even make it through that one.
I've done a lot of my own quasi research.
I've listened to some books, I've watched some shows about,
you know, like the actual practices of Mormonism and
Mormonism and polygamy. Because I do just find it so
fascinating how these people can believe this.
And I don't know. So yeah, we are going to Hiram
Smith's home. And this is where Christine just
kind of loses it and gets so excited that her kids are going
to be playing on the lawn that Hiram and Joseph Smith's kids
played on, and they're going to be staying in the home that they
lived in. And then I looked at you and I
was like, is that an addition on the historic home of Hiram
Smith? Blasphemy.
You're being generous. You didn't have to question it.
It was very obvious.
Yeah, it was like. A2 story brick structure that
obviously has been around for a hundred 200 years.
I don't know. It's been there for a minute.
And then on the side of it is a like mudroom slash garage
edition that's like vinyl siding.
It's an addition on to this historic home so that people
like the fucking Browns will pay money to stay there and these
giant families will come and pay money to this guy who owns it.
Because in what reality? Like outside of Utah and this
area is just a historic home to begin with.
Yeah, I wonder if it's on any registries.
It can't be with that edition. We were joking about how it
looks like one of those prefab things you buy from Home Depot
or Menards where it's like you get the whole kit for like 25 K.
It's like what the fuck? Except for they threw like three
of them together so it was long, so they could house polygamous
families like the Browns and take their money.
Absolutely. So bizarre.
And we hear from Kody that the reason that I love Joseph Smith
is that his spirit speaks to me.
And Kody was led to this beautiful family that he has now
because of Joseph Smith's teachings.
And Oh my God, like him and Christine in this scene are just
like yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
It's a lot of what Joseph Smith rebelled now translation
revealed. But I love when they say the
word rebelled because it's like, Oh my God that he didn't revolt,
He revealed and he revealed a lie and a fraud.
We see this lovely painting of Hiram Smith and he's holding
what looks like a bat or a like. Club.
A Cricket Club like what is he holding?
I don't know what else to say about that, but they like gave
him a prop to hold in his painting and it's a little
ridiculous. Yeah, probably all of the kids
had to line up and get spankings with the bat.
Well, this is it. God told them you have to beat
your wives and children. Jeez, oh boy.
And when that inner voice tells you to beat your wives and
children, you beat your wives and children.
I mean, because it's God obviously telling you, yeah.
We fade to night and we fade to mourning.
It's day five of our trip. We're finally in Nauvoo, which,
you know, obviously you guys all know it only took them four
days to get there. Hallelu and we are going to meet
someone very, very special on day five, Someone who loves a
bowling shirt. He thinks he's Charlie Sheen and
2 1/2 Men. He does.
And no one should aspire to be Charlie Sheen or anything
attached to 2 1/2 Men. This is just wrong.
But this family, they're going to be meeting Joseph Johnston.
Now, darling, how would you describe Joseph Johnston other
than a bowling shirt wearer? Well, Christine thinks he looks
like Jesus. Oh, he does.
Look like that His locks are prettier than Kody's and she's
jealous of this shiny, glistening long hair.
He does have long hair. He does, I would not say look
like Jesus. He has long hair and was wearing
a red bowling shirt and he looks a little hippie dippy.
Yeah. He's a member of the LDS church,
but not a member of their church.
He does not practice polygamy. Yeah, he just kind of looks like
a little bit of a hippie dippie, which is interesting
because he's supposedly LDS. He has long dark hair, dark
brown hair. I would say like dirty blonde.
OK, I'm the one that doesn't wear glasses of these two.
No, if you were to put him on the scale of 10 being the
lightest one being the darkest, he's probably a level 8.
My hairdressers out there will appreciate this if.
You could see my face right now, y'all?
It's technically considered blonde.
Her eyes checked. I'm not going to.
It's it's he's a brunette, but whatever, he's got blonde hair.
I delulu.
I'll take a photo. He is very pale.
This long hair is happening, some facial hair that is nasty,
some teeth that are nasty. His shirt is nasty.
His whole thing is nasty. But Joseph Johnston is the host
of Joseph's Nauvoo Tours, which I just love this.
I wish there was like Chris's Manosphere tours.
Yeah, you could take everyone to every place throughout.
Where men have been wronged by women.
You could like, like the time that I beat a random man on that
street corner. You could take them there,
right? Yeah.
Well, there's so many places where men have been wronged by
women that I could just create a beautiful map, but it would
have to be ugly because it's part of the manosphere.
It's got to be unattractive. It's got to be dirty blonde,
like our friend Joseph Johnston, who is a brunette.
Now, Meri did say that he's, you know, part of the Mormon L
Diaz. Like you said, he's not part of
the AUB, which is the Browns cult.
He's not a member of their cult. He's a part of the larger cult.
Mckelty, our favorite daughter.
Her hair is glowing, that bright head of freshly dyed red hair.
It's like Ariel The Little Mermaid Barbie doll red.
It's literally just glowing, but she's got hot roots, which
means that like the hair color process differently at the
roots, so brighter at the roots.
So she's got major hot roots and the sun is shining on the top of
her head and she's kind of in the back end of the crowd of the
family. But it is like a sore thumb,
just like glowing from the back of the group because her hot
roots are literally you could put.
Her in front of a construction site to like don't come here.
Direct. Traffic.
Yeah, like a safety cone. Now Robyn says something being
vague in the beginning of their Mormon teachings.
What was this vague thing? Did you catch this?
I think she said something about like.
Well, it's, it's blatantly obvious that they don't know
everything that they're about to learn and they're pushing this
narrative on their kids and they want to impart this wisdom on
their kids. Kody says that he's expecting
some juicy stuff and that he tells Joseph that he doesn't
need it to whitewash the history and he can tell them all of the
stories because. We're polygamous.
And it's like, well, your entire religion is whitewashed.
It's literally like, you know, it is what it is, dude.
Yeah. Absolutely.
But he's like, oh, get into the nitty gritty with us.
We want to know it all. And it's like, dude, are you
admitting right now that you don't know the insurance and
outs of your religion? That you're imparting this
wisdom and preaching to your children every Sunday.
And you're going to rely on Joseph Johnston and his dark
brown hair. Shut it.
Got it, Trebek, You shut your dirty mouth.
Oh, man. Now, Joseph Johnston, oh, excuse
me, Joseph Johnston, the host of Joseph's Nauvoo Tours, is
going to start telling us about Joseph Smith and his
inbred brother and his small town and all the things that
happened. When he starts, he's talking
about a field. Being like this doesn't matter
to most people, but it matters to your family because Joseph
Smith was walking this way and his brother hybrid inbred was
going this way and then they met and they said, God, is there
polygamy going on here? No, I don't.
Know my God. That was so Kara Cunningham.
Oh my God. Now what is the real story here,
darling? I blocked out all these details.
Trauma Block. OK, so Hiram is walking with
Brigham Young through this field and he says to Brigham Young,
I want you to tell me the truth.
Is there polygamy going on? Right.
And Hiram just needs to know because he's been hearing rumors
about his brother Joseph Smith.
So he knows that Brigham Young's going to tell him the truth.
Brigham Young says that yes, they are practicing polygamy.
And Hiram goes back to his brother Joseph Smith, after a
night of sleep, and he says that he is ready to be God's tool
and that Brigham Young told him that he's practicing polygamy
and that he knows he's fought it for a long time, but he's
ready to be God's tool and to join polygamy.
And then Hiram tells Joseph Smith that he has to have a
scribe write down the doctrine of plural marriage and soul
became the Doctrine and the Covenant of 132 of Elias Canon.
Nani, could you describe the tool that someone was supposed
to be for Jesus? Is it, is the shaft long?
Is it thick? Is it veiny?
Is it circumcised? It may or may not be a Wiener.
Oh, we're talking about wieners here.
I wasn't talking about that kind of tool.
Where'd you get that idea? He.
Says he's ready to be a God's tool.
And I'm like, OK, you're ready to use your tool.
Yeah, you know, I mean, I just, I just was wondering if any
description was given about the length and the girth, but.
I mean, we're talking about horny men here.
We're talking about horny men that are saying that they are
just ready to fuck and Yep, let's get it on.
Let's get it on. In the name of God.
In the name of God, let's get it on.
Oh, my God, I just, I can't with this because it's like, OK,
you've got your brother Hiram, who's like, just completely
against polygamy. I'm so against it.
But Brigham Young, you better tell me the truth is the
polygamy going on here. And he's got his mutton chops
and his big old beard and his. And a high collar.
Mustache and a high collar. And he says, well, gosh darn it,
my collar's a little too tight, I'll loosen it.
And I'm going to be a tool for God.
Like, OK, so all of a sudden, overnight you're just going to
be like, God spoke to me too. I woke up and I had a wet dream
and I thought that God's telling me that I need to use my tool
for good. I need to fuck many bitches.
And you know what? That's part of the manosphere
teachings. I'm seeing parallels here.
I can't believe you're not part of this this.
Is what I'm thinking. I'm going.
Why am I not a? Why am I not?
Following the teachings of Joseph.
Johnson. I hate to break it to you, but I
got to tell you the truth right now.
Do. They hate closeted gay men.
You can't get pregnant from anal.
Oh, that's a lie. That's a lie.
Don't believe it. Do not believe it.
Oh, it's a lie that you can't get pregnant from anal.
Well, what do you people with a uterus can get pregnant from
anal? Why from like juices running?
Well, sperm can live like in and like for up to three days,
like in the vagina and stuff and it it can travel through the
juiciest through the snail trail.
Oh God. So don't believe that anyone who
is perhaps listening of our younger audience.
God or unlike Kimber, just bathe.
You know, like just clean up afterwards.
Seriously, I thought you were trying to say I couldn't get
pregnant because of the anal practices and I said honey, I
have tried and you are right. Well.
I'm saying on your end, you can't.
And so that's why you can't be part of the manosphere.
Yeah, because you can't. Yeah, you know.
And I'm too pregnant to be one of the polygamist wives, so.
You can't be part of the quiver full movement.
Exactly. I knew that.
Well, you realize that that's what a lot of this is.
It's like about the quiver, full movement and spreading your
seed. Of course for the Aryan race,
it's like really fucked. Up I've advocated for spreading
the seed all over the place and unfortunately everyone, all
those men were like, you're not ugly enough to be my polygamist
wife. And I'm like, oh damn, like no
anal for us. Oh Dang.
Oh my. God, this is ridiculous.
It's gone crazy. Oh, you guys there's.
Something about the Air Nauvoo just just making.
Me hot and bothered. Just makes me want to do anal.
Thinking about all these mutton chops has got me hot and
bothered, especially these white no mutton chops that have been
bleached by hours in the sun and the Gray hair mutton chops.
Well, you're just ready to accept God's tool.
Hot and bothered Well, we're going to go and sit down on a
bench with the adults of the family now.
A. Picnic bench.
I don't think I need to name. Them a picnic table.
Do I need to name them? Yeah, I'm mentioning like,
Forrest Gump. I'm like, now they're sitting at
a picnic table. Like all of a sudden Tom Hanks
is like sitting there. And it's like, good God, get out
of here, Tom. They're each sitting on another
side of like a bike trail just talking about this, and bikers
keep going by. When Joseph Johnston is sitting
at the table with the parents, you know, the children have
scattered to protect their delicate ears from the truths
that are going to fall from Joseph's mouth.
And what does he tell the family and what's happening here?
Kody kind of asks how many wives that Joseph Smith really had.
And then Joseph Johnston says, well, that's one of the first
questions that I get asked every tour, how many wives Joseph
Smith really had. And it was 33.
He had 33 wives. And Kody is like what?
I thought it was 17. I was just distracted because I
thought when he said 33 wives, he was going to talk about his
33 teeth on the top row protecting from his mouth, but
instead it was the wives. So, you know, there's that.
He also volunteers that likely twelve of those wives were
already married to other men. So.
Dot dot dot dot dot. What that means is that some
wives had two husbands and they were already married.
So then he was their second husband and Robyn just cannot
believe this. Right, and he claims these wives
could remain married to their OG husbands but also be married
to Joseph Smith. He says quote in every sense of
the word, Meaning Joseph Smith can use his tool of God to
penetrate these married women. Shock gasp.
Robyn is just like so confused by this and she's like oh you
mean that that means they were brother husbands?
Because she's an idiot. So he has to kind of reiterate
to her like, yes, they were in every sense of the way they
would go back and stay with their original husband.
And then Kody's like, well, they were probably just performing
ceremonial marriages so that Joseph Smith could help these
people get to a different level in heaven.
And it's like you're speaking out of your ass right now
because you didn't know this and you're embarrassed and this is
fucking weird and you guys don't know your own history.
Well, Kody does say historians are in disagreement.
Honey, it's not that they don't know.
There's just so many. There's some discrepancies
different. Stories depending on what side
of the tool you're, if you're the receiver or the giver of the
COD tool, yeah, you might have a different story.
I just can't even believe that they're acting so shocked right
here because you would think that this is something that they
would know by now. I don't know.
And then Janelle. I know.
And this goes exactly counter to what I said earlier when I
said Janelle's the smartest of them all.
And now we get this doozy. Oh my God.
Yeah, well, she says that her ideas and beliefs do not hinge
on this and that he was just a guy.
He wasn't Jesus, he was just a guy.
They're just speculating. We're all speculating at this
point, and so are the historians.
Like it wasn't that long ago there was a newspaper, for God's
sake. You know what?
I. Mean we're fucking speculating.
OK, There was a problem. There's a reason why all of this
shit was going down and oh, they're speculating.
So you're speculating about your religion and that you're
willing to stake your life on this and your children's
capability to grow up with their mom and their dad and all of
this stuff that you just so passionately believe in.
It's all speculation, yeah. We're just speculating.
It doesn't really matter to me because my testimony does not
hinge on what this man did. He's not Jesus, he's not God on
earth. He's a guy.
Oh no, He's just spoke to Jesus, that's all.
He just spoke to him. What the fuck?
He's just got Jesus's tool in his hand, in his mouth.
Hiram told Joseph to have a scribe write down the doctrine
of plural marriage, and so became the Doctrine and
Covenants 132 of the LDS Canon.
OK Janelle, OK you dumb dumb dumb dummy.
This whole sect of the religion is based on one man wanting to
get his Dick wet with more than one woman.
OK, I'm just going to say that one more time because y'all are
believing this, OK? For the record.
For the record, Jesus spoke to him through his Weiner and
that's why we have Covenant 132. And then the baby Jesus, who is
the leader of the manosphere, gave us a commercial break and
we returned back to Joseph's NAU tours.
We're going to go to Carthage, where Joseph Smith was killed at
the jail. But first we have to stop, and
we have to hear the story of the Nauvoo Expositor Press.
Yeah, the Brown family is gathered with Joseph Johnston on
the other side of the street from this newspaper, and he's
filling them in on these lovely details about Nauvoo's colorful
history, and he gives them some more details about this burning
of the newspaper and the press. Apparently this newspaper was
reporting about Joseph Smith and his plural marriages and he did
not like this and their community did not like this.
So the Nauvoo City Council voted to have the press destroyed.
Burned to the ground. Burned to a crisp.
So this newspaper, freedom of speech, kind of the whole reason
you came here, freedom of speech, freedom of religion,
you're going to burn it to the ground because they're speaking
about the truth about your plural marriages and you don't
like it. Absolutely.
This is not the first time in history where people have, you
know, tried to silence, take down, burn to the ground,
literally voices that are sharing the truth.
And maybe their color in their truth was polygamy is terrible
and all these things are bad. But if they're really just
sharing the truth about what's happening in their community,
that's not the same as coloring. Polygamy is bad.
If polygamy is illegal and people are breaking the law,
then, yeah, they're going to report on it because it's the
press in America. Like that's what happens.
And while they're standing there, this is when Joseph
Johnston talks about a 22 year old man who was also standing
right where they were, watching the things that happened, this
burning of the press to the ground.
Meri is great, great, great. Yes, 3 greats.
He was 22 at the time. William Adams.
William Adams, yes, was standing there and watched that building
burn. And Meri is smiling ear to ear.
Yo, she's tickled.
Pink. She's got this weird little
Grinch grin on her face. You know where he does the
little corners of the mouth turn up and the middle of her mouth
goes downward. Yeah.
She's got this weird little grin.
Why are you so pleased about this?
Weird. Oh.
My great great great grandfather's being mentioned in
history. And this wasn't set up at all.
It's not like he had this opportunity to say this about
Meri's great, great, great grandfather.
And it's not like there be another one in the near future
with Robbins great great grandfather.
And it's not like they told us an amazing story about how he
took a bucket of water and tried to save positive fresh.
No, no, no, He watched it burn.
He was. Just there, watching it burn.
He didn't even throw a match. He wasn't on either side.
Yeah, he just stood and watched it burn.
Yeah, he's just the middle of the rotor.
Just a bystander. Just a simple Nauvoo resident.
A humble American trying to make a living.
We. Don't know.
Maybe he had a peg leg, maybe he couldn't partake, we don't know.
Maybe he could have started on
fire. We don't know, and you want to
know why. We don't know why.
It's all speculation. And any documents that would
have told us were burned to the ground.
Burn to a crisp. Oh my gosh.
Meri's little grin, though. It just ate me up.
Yeah. And then Christine, she'd have
been skirred. She'd have been skirts.
Skirt. Oh, yes, she had a great quote
here. Oh, it was so good.
She would have been frightened.
Can you imagine being there in that community and seeing all
these things happen, watching your community?
What did she say? What?
Rumble. Watching your community crumble
or some bullshit. I didn't actually write it down,
but. It was just really funny because
she got this like quote and that was very dramatic.
And it wasn't even about her great, great grand father,
William Madams. No.
After the burning of the press, Joseph Smith had to go to the
courthouse in Carthage. Yes, the Hancock County
Courthouse. So of course, the Browns have to
follow because just a reminder for everyone, we are in their
Jerusalem, We are where we they are going on their Mecca, their
journey to wherever they're fucking going, which happens to
be the Hancock County Courthouse in Carthage, IL.
It's special. So the Browns all go and they're
sitting in a courthouse, and this gives Joseph Johnston.
Now, I know there's a lot of Joseph's flying around here, so
try to try to keep up. Joseph with the blonde hair.
Joseph Johnson, we could have called him JJ this whole time.
Let's call him JJ from here on out.
So J JS telling the family about what happened at the courthouse
with his dark blonde hair. The Nauvoo Council turned
themselves in for the charges of rioting, and Joseph Smith is a
bun. The group with the riotous
weighs and he turns himself in. And Joseph Smith posts bail.
Yep, which is lovely. He had some rich friends or he
was rich or something. Initially he posts bail, but him
and Harem are arrested again on charges of treason.
Right, they're leaving the courthouse and the sheriff
approaches them with writs of charges for treason.
Now, friendly reminder for our listeners at home, treason is a
crime punishable by death in the United States.
It's because you literally are committing treason against the
United States government. Hello.
You don't get to commit treason. Yeah, it's not exactly a light
charge. They don't.
They don't just hand out treason charges.
OK. Kody gives us a quote here.
They claim that Joseph Smith says as he is being brought to
the jaw. He says I am going as a lamb to
the slaughter. Yes, because Joseph Smith called
for martial law in their town after the burning of the press.
Now this goes hand in hand with
the treason charges, because if you're someone who thinks you
get to determine martial law, that means you're fucking nuts.
I mean, either there's something really bad happening and
you're a good guy trying to right the wrongs, or you're a
really bad guy and you're like, I get to call martial law.
Well, after Joseph Smith called for martial law, that's when
the state leaders are notified and put a warrant out for his
arrest. Oh, he was freed, and then he
has to be arrested again because the state leaders are like,
you don't just get to say martial law.
Like, who are you? I know.
It's like, listen, Mr. Polygamist freak who burned the
newspaper to the ground, you don't now get to say martial law
and you're the leader of the town.
Like it's ridiculous. You treasonous bastard.
Treason. And he is like their hero.
He's their hero. Right.
They were put into the jail, but then they were taken upstairs
for their own safety because there were rumors of harassers
coming. But in between all of this, we
do go away from this wonderful story of the polygamist past to
the Browns who are standing there and there's a museum
across the way, but they're not allowed to go into the museum.
And Kody asks is it because we're plagues?
JJ says yes. Do you?
Believe JJ Honey. Janelle goes into this spiel
about prejudice against them and the prejudice against the
polygamists and blah blah blah blah blah.
Could it just be the fucking cameras, bitch?
Could it just be that they don't want the cameras in the entire
show to be coming into their religious museum?
Like you guys are so full of yourselves.
I understand that there's this rift in the church between the
polygamous sect and The Maine Mormonism church, but like,
honestly, if you had gone as a normal family just to visit this
museum, do you think that they wouldn't have let you in?
It wouldn't be the first business or institution that
says you can't film in our building like this is a really
common thing actually, so. Especially in a religious
museum, right? Right.
Yeah, it's certainly not government sanctioned.
It's a literal religious institution.
They try to paint it as this whole thing that's against them
because they're being prejudice, because they're plagues.
And I'm a little shocked that Joseph Johnston, RJJ says yes,
because his community afterwards, I would think would
be a little pissed about that because you're just like outing
your community and saying, Nope, Nope, we're judging you
because you're plagued. You can't come to our museum,
right? And I kind of doubt that that's
the case. But he like even if it is the
case, he just outed his town on TV.
Yeah, well, at least that, you know, little museum thing when
you were talking about Joseph Smith saying I'm going as a lamb
to the slaughter, what it spoke to me about my thoughts.
It's like he knew to use religious dogma and language to
make it seem like he would predict the inevitable and
obvious future. You have at this point committed
a crime probably by being a polygamist.
Not even sure if it's actually illegal.
No one actually said, oh, OK. Well, cool, it's illegal.
You burned the newspaper to the ground.
You have declared martial law and now you're saying I'm going
as a lamb to the slaughter. It's like right when you do a
bunch of fucked up shit and then there's repercussions from it,
and then you're going to use this religious language about
being a lamb going to the slaughter.
It's like, duh. I just can't stand it because
people that hear that kind of stuff and are like, oh, it must
be true. I'm like, connect the fucking
dots. Yeah, he's the martyr
conspiracy, conspiracy. Martyr, Martyrism.
It's ridiculous. It's like, no, you committed
treason. You did all of these things
leading up to this. You are not just some
sacrificial lamb. Right.
They didn't like break into your house and tear you out in the
middle of the night and say you're going to a concentration
camp like this did not happen like delulu.
I think that's one of the things that like really pisses me off
about this religion in general.
Did you not realize or do you not think about the things that
they were doing to all the other people in their community,
the reason that they actually were pissing people off?
I don't think that it probably has to do with the amount of
wives that you had. It probably has to do with your
religious dogma and your battering of other people around
you that they're not good enough.
They're not going to heaven as as far into heaven as you are
because they don't don't have as many wives as you do, so they're
not going to. Or their skin colors in the same
as yours. Or their this or their that.
Like fill in the blank. Like these people were not
Saints walking around being persecuted.
No. And we know this.
Yeah. But when Janelle talks about
experiencing the prejudice in contemporary times.
I got so annoyed. Because of them not being able
to go into this private religiously based museum or
whatever. It's like, I don't know.
This is such a lame example. No, it's like.
Bitch, you've known for fucking years that they don't even your
own sect. They don't want you talking
about this. They don't want you going and
filming Robyn's wedding to Kody. They don't want you doing this
stuff because they find it sacred.
So if you actually respect your own religion and respect the
cultures and customs of your religion, blah, blah, blah, then
you wouldn't be saying that they're being prejudice.
You'd be like, well, they just want to protect their peace.
And so we're not going to go film in there.
And this ties back to what I couldn't remember earlier about
Robyn talking about the summaries of the details of the
whatever. Is that her implication or what
she was trying to imply earlier in the episode, was that they,
as these AUB cult members, the Browns, really know all of the
teachings. They're the ones that really are
living the faith as it's intended to be, and that these
other people are just glossing over these things because they
don't want to deal with it. And it's like, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no. These people have distanced
themselves from you and they don't want you to be a part of
things. And also that doesn't make them
prejudice against you because they don't want you to film in
their building. No.
It's ridiculous. Also, you just listen to one man
and his Wiener and then you just took it as doctrine so you
know it is what it is. And they're still figuring.
They're not figuring things out, but kind of like they're
speculating. Speculating.
Thank you. We're all.
Just. Speculating, but it doesn't
matter because my faith is greater than the speculation.
Girl, get a grip. Yep.
All right. You're just listening to a man's
other brain. That's all this is based on OK?
And this gives Kody a wonderful
opportunity to talk about how he hopes his children get to
travel because they'll get to experience other cultures,
beliefs and hopes, and that this will keep them open minded and
open hearted. Yeah, my children won't have
prejudice because they'll, you know, see other things and know
other things. And unlike the people that you
are holding up on a pedestal who were in this community, who
were terrorizing people and people were like, we've had
enough. Yeah, you like forcing women
into plural marriage, saying that it's going to get them
closer to God and OK, Yep. But they're so innocent and
going as lambs to the slaughter. Lambs to the slaughter.
So Joseph and Hiram are taken to gel gel, but they're put
upstairs for their own safety because rumors of harassers
coming have been heard through the Grapevine.
And this is where we hear about Robyn's connection.
Oh yes, beautiful, JJ says. Among the people who had
gathered, there was a fellow by the name of John Fulmer.
And the camera pans to Robyn, and she's smiling.
She's got a shitting grin on her face and has to correct him.
Yeah. Sean Solomon Fullmer Oh no, that
was way too clear. You could understand what I
said. John Solomon Fullmer.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I could barely make it out
because at first I thought she said John Sullivan Fullmer.
And I thought she said John Follomon fullmer.
Which is hysterical because I'm like, well, Sullivan is one of
her many last names in her credit check.
Like sure, I don't know somewhere her name is Sullivan.
We re listened like at least
three times. John Solomon Farmer.
Right. Eventually we figured out that
it was Solomon after the 4th listen and because they
referenced oh, that's why I named my son Solomon.
And it's like, Oh my. But she didn't even say that's
why we named our son Solomon. She goes.
That's why we named her son Fatman.
And I'm, I'm like, you can't even say his name.
No wonder why you call him Saul all the time like Better Call
Saul. Yes, Robyn can't say Solomon.
It's too many syllables for my slow brain.
No, literally. Well.
Robyn does, you know, she gives us some more details.
She says. My great, great, great
grandfather, John Solomon Fulmer.
Don Fulomon Fulmer. Don Solomon Fulmer was actually
in the jaw with Joseph Smith. He was acting as a lawyer trying
to get him out of Jolt. He left the Jol to go get help.
Joseph Smith might be mad now while she's saying this.
And I did say jail as clearly as she did, Joel.
Joel. Joel.
He was in jail. And then while she's telling us
this totally not moving story that you can barely comprehend,
she has tears welling in her eyes.
Girl tears in her eyes talking about her great great great
grandfather who was helping out a felon or not as a.
Lawyer. Yeah, acting as a acting as a He
wasn't a lawyer. Acting as a lawyer.
Pretending to be a lawyer for his friend who committed
treason. Oh, that John Fulmer.
Fulmer, Oh lawyer. John Fulmer from all the history
books. Tom Fulham and Fulmer.
Oh, this woman. Well the worst is yet to come.
A mob had gathered outside the doll.
Oh and there's more People broke in and they came up a shooting
harem was shot 2 times, once in the face, once in the back.
And he said I am a dead man and.
Then he died instantly, thank God.
Right after that he said I'm a dead man, and then he died.
Here I'm dodging just too clean. And then?
I got to take this one over girl 'cause earlier you were driving
me crazy. OK, Joseph.
Smith, Joseph Smith goes to the window and yells out the window,
Oh Lord my God. He was then shot and he fell out
the window to the ground. Oh Lord my God.
Who did it better? Yeah, let's hear your version,
honey. Joseph Smith walked to the
window and he yells hold on, my God.
And then he was shot and he fell 13 feet out of the window.
Honey, I can't tell you that I won that one.
You were pretty good. OK, well and you got it gets
worse. And you got the serious.
It gets worse, it gets worse. You're just like, it gets worse,
it gets worse, it gets worse. He was dragged by his hair to a
well and then someone, they were just so angry that they
used the end of their gun, the bayonet, and they rammed it
through him and the Prophet Joseph Smith was killed.
That was really good, honey. I feel like whoever listen, if
you're out there making a documentary about these, you
know, made-up stories, maybe Kimber should be your.
Dramatic readings by Kimber. I'm just saying, and you have a
clearly a big passion for Hiram Smith and Joseph.
Smith I do. My God, I was obsessed with
those mutton chops. Obsessed.
I'd love to feel them tickle between my thighs.
You just need the tool of God. Come and.
Imagine those mutton chops just tickling your thighs.
They'll. Get like rubber on both your
thighs and it's like just no, that would never happen because
they wouldn't be going downtown.
They'd be like, that's the devil.
'S juice. Cut a hole in your little
sacred, you know, underwear and let me fuck you Like that's
disgusting. I have a feeling there was a lot
of orgies happening and we just don't know about it.
I don't know. Sordid lives.
These people were dignitized. Yes, they were what was.
Going on. Kody tells us Joseph Smith was
killed by a mob. There was no trial.
There was no jury and I'm going, excuse me, Kody Brown, he
declared martial law. Like, what are you talking
about? Where would the trial or jury
have been? Like these people are insane
and. When you know, like what these
people were actually doing to others, it's very obvious that
people were just trying to protect their own and that they
weren't just scared of the polygamy and prejudice of the
polygamy. It's like, no, it's way deeper.
It's way more than that. And you don't even know how many
fucking wives he had. So who are you to pretend that
this is like, oh, we know everything about this and this
poor man was haunted down in a jaw and drug out miles her to a
well after he was shot out window and fell dark time fight.
He didn't know any of this. My God, Kody, you disgrace.
Oh Lord my God. Kody, if Joseph Smith could hear
what you said and that you didn't know the truth of his
history, he would have looked you in the eye and said, oh,
Kody, you Sinner among men, how dare you?
Oh, Kody. Grow some mutton chops, Kody,
then maybe we'll listen to you.
Yeah, Kody. All right.
He also says the rest of the world may struggle to see what
we see in this man. I believe he was inspired by
God, absolutely. Absolutely.
Well, you just cemented your delusion status, so
congratulations, the rest of the world doesn't see what we see.
Like, duh. Yeah, no, they don't.
They're not delulu. No one sees what you see.
Insanity. Oh my God.
I'm delulu, darling, I'm a delulu.
I feel like he needs some like, horror version of our theme song
and like, it needs to be Kody's music.
When he plays, when he walks, when he walks.
Plays when he walks tip to through the tulips put in the
Kody being delulu, my God. So production gives us some
lovely shots of some buildings and some exteriors of Nauvoo
highlighting the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Oh, now we didn't get to come around the Riverbend and see
this. They were just like, oh, hot off
the heels of this inspirational story of a guy
being killed out of a window and another guy being killed by
being shot twice, we're going to have these moments of like,
la da, da, like, Oh, no, everything's great.
I want to know how, Harem said. I'm a dead man.
You were shot in the face. You have no teeth.
I don't believe that. Yes, I'm a gang be.
This Oh my God, I. Just made the worst place I've
ever made in my life. And then Kody, he's just kind of
going on and on about how he is, he says.
I'm grateful for the testament of Joseph Smith, and I believe
in the principle of plural marriage.
Kody says when he finds himself frustrated over his choices and
the wives having expectations of him, he thinks back to those
who have sacrificed so much more so he can live the
principle of plural marriage in peace.
After Kody says this, Robyn makes 2 of the ugliest faces I
have ever seen on a human being in my life.
Because of course she's overreacting and she's got it.
She's her usual. I don't know if this is pick me
vibes. I got to be honest honey, I
don't know what pick me vibes really mean.
You say it all the time and I'm like, I don't know, I'm going.
To have to explain this. This is it.
But she's over in the side being, like, distorting her face
as much as she can. And Kody continues.
I'm grateful for this testimony of Joseph Smith.
So I can sit here and say, you know what?
I know it's crazy, and it might cost me my life, but I believe
in the principle of plural marriage.
And this is where I was really scratching my chin because I'm
like cost you your life. Like you're comparing these
things. And it's like we, of course,
later come to find out the state of Utah never charged you for
anything. They were just doing an
investigation. The worst thing that's happened
to you in this season was that you had to be in an RV with some
wind for a couple days. And now you're like, oh God,
these people did this thing so I can live this life.
It's like they'll also love to create this narrative of like
they, you know, they have overcome thanks to the people
from the past. And it's like, I thought that
you weren't overcome. I thought that you were still.
You're still being prejudice to God.
Like people are still prejudice against you.
So I don't quite get it. It's really just Kody being able
to blow hot air, I think. Yeah, he's pontificating.
And then we end with a potluck.
Nobody says anything else. We end with Kody's wise words
and then they show the Browns having a little potluck.
They're eating at another picnic table.
Or outside of Harem's Harem's house, they're having a.
Potluck. Yes.
And is he an adult or a child in this home?
We don't know, but they're there and eating at a plastic picnic
table. So that's where they leave us.
I don't know what I'll say other than that.
So. Did you all enjoy this journey
into Nauvoo like we did? We certainly learned a thing or
two. We certainly were scarred for
life. We all made it through.
Amen. Amen.
Your mouth to God's ear. My mouth to God's butt.
You're my Oh, that's not part of the manosphere, darling.
It's not. Oh well, I should know.
Time for mustard seed and shit stain.
And I have made jokes about me going first and then you going
first and I was like that's ridiculous.
No, I'm going first and I actually am going first.
You do it. My mustard seed for this episode
goes to 1 Meri Brown. I have recently given her shit
stain that she deserved so bad this episode.
I'm giving her the mustard seed because she planned this trip.
OK, She did plan the trip poorly.
She just said I can't give her any credit for that.
But when Kody was coming at her at in the RV being all like,
guess what, bitch, I'm mad and I'm going to take it out on you.
She was like water off a duck's
back. I don't give a shit.
She's like, I can drive all day.
I can drive all night. I can do whatever.
Also, when the other people were like, how is it that we never
get anything done right? She's like, do it right and then
it'll be done right. I just have to give Meri her
props for being logical when she's logical and sarcastic
slash getting someone's goat when she should be sarcastic
getting someone's goat and being a driver driving that RV in the
middle of the windstorm being like I don't care, no wind's
going to fuck with me. Look at my hair, look at my
face. I've been through it.
I can keep driving and anyone that's going to bust Kody's
balls like that and keep cool, calm and collected.
Even with dumbass Robyn being like I don't get it.
I'm like, good for you girl. I don't understand.
So I go back and forth on Meri. I can't be consistent with her
in this episode. She gets my mustard seed as a
second class citizen. Who do you give?
Well, as someone who's not allowed to vote, I suppose I can
vote on this pretend vote. Yes, it doesn't count.
Doesn't count in an American election, so I can do it.
Strike this from the record, but continue.
My vote is going to go for one of Doctor Sweets.
Doctor Sweets. And it's fair game here.
OK, Doctor. Sweets, that quote about the
polygamous women that you read. From Mark Twain From Misses Mark
Twain. Yes, it gave us a wonderful
image of Robyn sticking her chin up, rolling her eyes and getting
actually offended. And then she sat on the couch
and joked and pretend she wasn't really offended.
And then we got some good stuff out of all all the wives about
it. Mostly we got some stuff out of
Christine about it. But yeah, it was pretty
hilarious. It was funny.
It was. I'm not all that familiar with
Mark Twain, are you? No, but Doctor Sweets was a good
sport, even if production was like, oh, we want you to read
this quote because it's the funniest, or even if they had
him read multiple quotes and that's the one they pulled.
He was smirking through it, like he knew it was like ridiculous
and funny. He was being silly, He.
Was a diva he. Was a good sport about it and he
knew that if they pulled that he might look bad, but it was
also jokey enough that he probably wouldn't look bad and
he just seemed like a genuinely sweet older gentleman
that I would take a tour from. If Doctor Sweetams was giving me
a tour of my boyhood, dream home, dream home my.
Boyhood dream home. What's?
Happening right? Now I was like, look into the
crystal ball and I looked and he was like, you're going to be
homely and downtrodden and whatever.
I'd be like, this guy's funny, so you know.
All of a sudden he is a fortune teller.
No, Doctor Sweet Sweetum, whatever his name is Doctor
Sweet. Doctor Sweet.
He's great and I agree. Mustard seeds all around for
doctor Sweets. I'm dead.
Are you ready for your shit stain?
I am ready for my shit stain. My shit stain, of course, has to
go to Robyn Brown because Robyn Brown pretended not to
know what was going on in the RV as a way to be not held
accountable and to not have to like, have any real back and
forth and to not have to explain anything to anybody.
And also her reactions to things that were happening.
It's like she's really animated and trying to get attention and
like her smiles and the way that she can't even say her own
son's name. I mean, she's just pathetic.
And what is the the jaw that she has the.
Hapsburg Jaw. Thank you.
It's like she really needs that chisel down like Bethenny
Frankel did. It's just a mess.
She's terrible and she's awful and she is a smear in the
underwear of the underbelly of the world.
So, Robyn, you get my shit stain.
Yeah, she really has that avoidant personality down when
it's convenient. So Oh yeah yeah yeah, she sure
did that when Meri was getting yelled at every single turn of
the trip. I agree.
She is a complete shit stain and it was ridiculous that she
couldn't say her son's name has a middle name of her great great
great grandfather and we had to replay it 3 fucking times to
understand what she was saying. And I literally looked at Chris
and I said should we put the captions on right?
That's how ridiculous it was. And I.
Fear that the captions might not have been correct.
They probably wouldn't have because we each had written down
something different and then it turned out to be 1/3 option
or a fourth option. Even so ridiculous she can't say
her son's name and so she gets a shit stain for sure.
My shit stain is going to. Can it go to Joseph Johnston?
Mr. JJ and his bowling shirts? Is that allowed?
Listen, you're picking 2 not only side characters but one
time appearing people. So OK, you're missing someone.
I know, I know, I know that there's more.
Yeah, right. Well, that the bowling shirts
were egregious. I if you want to go with our,
our best friend JJ, you can totally do it.
You, well, you know, you know, the reason that I, I'm
questioning your perception on him is because you said he has
tart blonde hair. He did.
We're going to look back. We're going to watch it back.
I'm going to pull up a picture. Of you'll find it when the like
sun's coming through it and you'll be like look.
I am so prepared for you to be wrong and eat your words.
Listen, I've only been wrong three times, and I have been at
it each time. You're going to eat the Jesus
shit stain out of Robyn's underwear.
Put God's tool in my mouth, I will eat it.
All right, if we're not going to go with JJ because of his
bowling shirts and his ridiculous demeanor, you know,
delivering all of you. Could do it.
Honey, I don't. Let me talk you out of your
choices. I believe in women's rights.
I I'm going to do the thing here that is opposite of you and I
would say that Meri is my shit stain.
Oh, oh, this is good. Bring on the drama.
Yeah, because she didn't plan the trip well.
She didn't know how to do her mile math.
She didn't factor in for stops that the family was going to
have to make. She didn't advocate for an extra
day for travel or anything necessary.
It was ridiculous to think that this family could do a trip
across the country in three days and spend one day and then
however the fuck they got back if they did drive all the way
back three days back. Like what are you doing with
your life? What are you guys doing right
now that this had to be so rushed?
If it was production, which I highly doubt, I don't know, it
just could have been done completely differently.
And then she just doesn't want to take the shit for it from
Kody. And I do semi applaud her for
just rolling her eyes and not taking a shit.
But also I think it's negligent to keep driving when you're
probably tired. And I think that the only reason
that she kept saying she could drive was to spite Kody.
Right. And you have a fucking RV full
of children and you're pushing to keep doing this.
And so part of me sees Kody's point in all of this, and I hate
to say that. Fair.
Enough. There's a big part of me that
sees the point. And no one offered to drive for
her. Robyn wasn't jumping and driving
that RV. So if she's driving on 4 hours
of sleep and she's good, she's fine, she's dandy.
She's had 10 red balls. It's like you're putting all of
your children and little Sauls in his car seat in the back of
there and you're putting them all at risk, darling, just to
prove Kody wrong. I don't know.
I am just in shock that you didn't pick Kody Brown.
I am going, wow, girl, you pick Meri over Kody.
You're just. Well, she does a lot of things,
and I just also wanted to spite you as much as she wanted to
spite Kody Brown. Listen, I'm I'm not going to say
a word and. She had the Grinch, the Grinch
eating grin on her face when her great great great granddaddy
came up. She's so proud of her in
brightness. And you were just so mad at me,
but you know, it's OK because I did vote to take your rights
away and all of that. So it's all good.
And you, even in my fake votes, voted to take my right of vote
away from JJ. Oh, that's right.
Quit pulling rank on me. That's all I gotta say.
Quit pulling rank. I'm always telling you what to
do in. The man card.
You guys, you should vote me off the island.
Okay, so now we're going to do our keep suite moment.
Darling, Our Keep Suite moment this week comes to us from
TikTok and it is from Bonbon who left us a comment recently that
says I binged all of Sister Wives last summer and was
questioning how much of my life I wasted on this family.
Now I know that it wasn't a waste of time.
It was so I could thoroughly enjoy your podcast.
Your podcast is a delightful dessert after a long dried up
meal. Thank you Bonbon.
A dessert after a long dried up meal.
I want to bon bon after a long dried up meal.
Listen, this is a good connect, yes?
And also, no, you did not waste your time, but we are surely
fucking wasting our time watching it and spending hours
and hours and hours talking through the psychological
warfare that is the Brown family.
Bon Bon, while we appreciate the praise, we can't agree that you
wasted your life and your time. No, because you're listening to
this right now. I love that.
I love it too. Our next episode is the season
finale of Season 5. We've got some big things
happening, very exciting stuff. Hopefully more angels will come
singing. Kimber, have you touched God's
tool today? No, but I could probably make my
way to it right now.