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Hello, beautiful humans and 
welcome to the mental Wellness. 

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Wake up, show a weekly podcast 
where growth minded creative 

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people, come to learn, best 
practices from both spirituality

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and psychology that create 
lasting well-being. 

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I am your host mental Wellness, 
expert improvised acting teacher

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therapist and Coach, Don 
McMillan. 

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Let's get to it. 
It. 

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What are you unwilling to feel? 
What are you unwilling to feel? 

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Hi there. 
I'm so glad you're here today 

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and we have new listeners. 
Welcome, welcome. 

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And if you are listening really 
closely, you will hear all the 

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continuing list are saying, 
welcome to you as well. 

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We're so glad you're here. 
Please take a moment to like And

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subscribe and share and leave 
those five star reviews, that 

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helps so much. 
So grateful for each and every 

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one of you. 
Thank you. 

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So what are you unwilling to 
feel? 

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There's this wonderful exercise 
that I enjoy doing with people 

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and clients of the plans aren't 
people, but I do it in my social

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life as well. 
It's called stop-start continue.

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It's good for birthdays 
solstices, New Year's and the 

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questions are What has been 
going on in your life? 

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What behaviors have? 
You been in in what behaviors? 

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Have you been doing that? 
You would like to stop. 

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What new behaviors would you 
like to start? 

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And what's something or some 
things that have been going well

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that you would like to continue 
so stop-start continue. 

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And as I Was preparing for this 
episode it occurred to me that 

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stop-start continue. 
Also explains how it is that we 

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have behaviors that we don't 
like Yes, I'm going to argue 

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that every maladaptive behavior 
that you engage in is actually 

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an emotional management 
strategy. 

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There's a feeling we want to 
stop, there's a feeling we want 

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to start or there's a feeling 
that we want to continue. 

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So why is this important? 
I am in the business of helping 

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people change. 
Sort of. 

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Sort of. 
One of the truths about therapy 

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is that often people want to 
have therapy in order to 

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understand themselves better, 
not necessarily to change 

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anything. 
I'm going to say that again 

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because it Bears repeating 
sometimes people go to therapy 

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because they want to understand 
themselves better not 

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necessarily because they want to
change anything. 

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The fine print on that is That 
they're hoping that an 

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understanding themselves better,
they will be able to get more of

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the things they want and less of
the things that they don't. 

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But genuinely there are a lot of
people who show up who just want

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to figure themselves out that 
that motivation, often comes 

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from a form of suffering, right?
Really happy people don't 

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necessarily want to sit with 
someone else and discuss all the

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things they're doing right to 
make themselves happy. 

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So that impulse often comes from
from pain. 

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From let me understand myself 
better so that I can have less 

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pain and do more things that I 
like. 

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But it's definitely a motivation
sometimes people go to therapy 

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to complain. 
A lot of people think therapy is

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about venting about just getting
things off your chest and there 

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are therapists who work that 
way, who open up the therapeutic

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relationship. 
Type in order for people to do 

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vent, to complain to say 
whatever is going on with them. 

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And that moment I personally 
don't work that way necessarily.

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I find that that can be a useful
tool but it is not the end-all 

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for me. 
I would prefer to work with 

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people on choosing what they 
would prefer, or choosing what 

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they would like, better than 
what it is. 

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They're getting, that is why I 
started by saying I'm in the 

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business of change. 
That is my preference. 

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That's not always what I do. 
One of the other aspects of 

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being on my side of the chair, 
the couch, or the table is 

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meeting people where they are 
when someone comes in, with 

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goals for therapy, my job is not
to convince. 

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It's them that their goals are 
wrong or that. 

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I know better than they do. 
They're the expert on themselves

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and so someone can send and they
just want to understand 

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themselves better. 
And I will do my best to guide 

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them if an understanding 
themselves better a possibility 

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of doing something differently 
opens up for them. 

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Yay, yay, yay. 
So a lot of what people are 

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suffering from with or come to 
therapy about is they're doing 

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something or experiencing 
something. 

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Saying, they don't like and they
want it to sob or they want to 

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change the results are getting 
in life. 

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And what I really would like to 
bring forward, is the idea that 

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maladaptive behaviors behaviors,
that are not producing good 

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results or that continue in 
spite of bad results or however,

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you want to think about it. 
The stuff you do that, you don't

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like and you wish you didn't do.
Our emotional management 

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strategies. 
The start with procrastination, 

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excuse me, people often think 
they procrastinate because 

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they're lazy or unmotivated, or 
they just don't have enough 

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willpower or some other 
self-judgment procrastination is

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an emotional management strategy
in your mind, Whatever task, you

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are not doing seems less 
enjoyable than any number of 

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other tasks. 
And so to manage that a motion 

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that anticipated unpleasant 
emotion, you will choose to do 

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something else. 
Wait a minute. 

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You say and I'm procrastinating.
I'm not doing anything. 

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You can't not do anything. 
You're always behaving. 

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We're always behaving. 
So let's say. 

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That I think I need to clean out
my garage and I'm not doing it. 

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Part of me thinks that cleaning 
out. 

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The garage is going to be a lot 
of work. 

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It's going to be hot. 
It's going to be Dusty. 

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There's going to be bugs. 
I don't want those feelings. 

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And so instead I decided to give
myself a manicure. 

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So I'm not doing nothing. 
I'm doing something else instead

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but it's an emotional management
strategy. 

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I am trying to avoid a feeling. 
I think I don't want to feel 

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stop-start continue, I'm wanting
to stop myself from having a 

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feeling I don't like or I want 
to continue a feeling that I am 

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enjoying, for example, relaxing 
sitting on the couch Watching a 

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Netflix TV show, smoking a bowl 
of the marriage. 

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Awana playing a video game. 
What I am doing in my mind is 

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more pleasant than what I think 
I are quote should be doing so 

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my emotional strategy is in 
order to continue feeling of 

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feeling. 
I like I'm going to engage in 

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whatever behavior and in order 
to stop myself from feeling of 

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feeling and don't want to feel 
I'm going to keep putting off 

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that other behavior. 
Let's take drinking too much or 

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consuming anything too much. 
What causes that? 

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Well it's emotional management 
strategy, emotional management, 

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strategy one, I'm tense and 
unhappy and I don't want to feel

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that way anymore. 
I want that to stop. 

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So I'm going to start consuming 
something in order to activate 

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another feeling Continue. 
I was bored. 

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I want that to stop. 
So I start eating Oreos, eating 

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Oreos is enjoyable so I continue
to eat for bags. 

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They can the bags for bags of 
Oreos and order to allow that 

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pleasure to consent to continue.
So kind of make sense or feeling

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something. 
We don't want to feel, we wanted

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to stop. 
So we engage in some sort of 

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behavior to make the one feeling
stop. 

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We want to feel something 
different, so we start a 

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different behavior and once we 
achieve a pleasurable Behavior, 

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we tend to want to cling to it 
and cause it to continue. 

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Make sense. 
Does that make sense? 

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So how that's all very well and 
good? 

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The question then becomes, what 
do you want to do about it? 

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So one of the things that we can
do is be willing to feel our 

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feelings. 
So for example, I'm beginning to

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feel boredom. 
I'm beginning to feel boredom. 

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Part of me besides, I don't like
boredom what can I do? 

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That will be interesting or 
pleasurable or they could learn 

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to tolerate that feeling and 
just accept that in the moment 

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boredom is present. 
I did an episode a while back 

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about changing our language 
rather than saying I am bored, 

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which is changing our perception
of ourselves. 

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Our identity, into the state of 
boredom, which isn't true, 

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always more than anything. 
Thing that we're feeling in, any

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moment, it is more. 
Accurate is accurate to say, I 

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feel boredom, I'm noticing 
boredom is present. 

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Boredom is present. 
And when you give yourself that 

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little bit of distance, you 
might be able to make different 

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choices. 
So, boredom is present. 

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I could decide that. 
That's so intolerable that I 

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want to immediately do something
to change it or I can accept 

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that boredom is present. 
And choose to do, what is most 

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important and that moment are 
what is necessary according to 

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my values. 
I'm let's imagine that I am 

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feeling stressed for my day of 
work. 

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I could start drinking a bottle 
of wine in order to start 

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feeling more, relaxed, or less 
stressed or less of anything, 

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right? 
I could stop. 

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Tune them out with a bottle of 
wine or I could have notice that

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stress is present. 
Tension is present. 

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Allow it to be. 
So and choose my behavior based 

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on my values, if I'm just come 
home from work, maybe one of my 

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values is to spend quality time 
with my kids, or my partner, or 

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my pet, or my ferns or to make a
healthy dinner. 

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If I'm giving in to, oh, I can't
stand this feeling, I'm going 

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to, I must do something to get 
rid of this feeling. 

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Then maybe I'm too busy drinking
wine to pay attention to my 

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family or my fern. 
Or to do The Chopping and 

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sauteing that I had planned. 
Okay, so let's go with continue.

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I enjoy hooking up with 
strangers on the internet and so

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I start to feel bored. 
I decided that I don't like 

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feeling or I just feel normal 
and I'd rather feel excited. 

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And so I continued to hook up 
with strangers on the internet, 

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even though I'm beginning to 
miss so much sleep, that I'm not

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getting to work on time, for 
example. 

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So stop-start continue describes
what it is? 

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That is behind some of our 
behaviors that are not serving 

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us. 
We want to stop a feeling we 

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don't like we want to start a 
feeling, we like better. 

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And once we have a pleasurable 
sensation, we want to continue 

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it. 
The answer is. 

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To allow our feelings to exist. 
That's it. 

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Allow our feelings to exist and 
then to choose our actions based

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on our values instead of our 
mood, that's really the whole 

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enchilada. 
Okay? 

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Maybe not the whole enchilada if
you're not American. 

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Well, that's a phrase that 
doesn't make sense because and 

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to let us are Mexican food. 
But that really is a lot of what

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we're doing. 
A lot of our suffering. 

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A lot of our problems are a lot 
of our behaviors are really 

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about, trying to manage emotions
that we are unwilling to feel. 

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For a lot of men, depression, 
shows up as anger, frustration 

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and short-tempered, - because, 
for a lot of men sadness is 

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never been in an emotion that 
they've been allowed to feel. 

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So rather than tolerate and 
accept that sadness is present, 

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they'll choose anger as a more 
acceptable feeling. 

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So in order to stop feeling sad,
they will start feeling angry. 

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For a lot of addicts. 
It started off as starting 

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wanting to feel good and then 
after certain point, when starts

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to use to stop feeling bad for 
over indulgences. 

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It's about continuing stay up 
too late playing video games is 

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because you're having pleasure 
and you want to continue. 

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So one of the ways that we learn
to tolerate our emotions it is 

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it goes back to that meditation 
is simply too. 

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You notice that they are 
present, name them? 

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And not demand that they change 
in any way. 

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There's notice that as they're 
just notice it, I'm noticing 

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that depression is present. 
Okay. 

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It's that simple may not be 
easy, but it is that simple. 

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And so what I would really 
delightfully love for you to 

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embrace this notion that if 
you're noticing other some 

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Behavior like, why do I keep 
doing this or why don't I do it 

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if you, for example, if you want
to work out more often and 

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you're not not starting. 
It's because starting that thing

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feels like some kind of 
unpleasant Motion because it 

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will interrupt something else 
that you're doing. 

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Like, relaxing on the couch, or 
sitting around doing something, 

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that's not as effortful, for 
example. 

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So yeah, emotional management 
strategy. 

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So perhaps I would like for you 
to forgive yourself for not 

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having changed behaviors that 
you don't like. 

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I'd like to invite you to 
consider allowing those emotions

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to Simply exist without 
necessarily having to obey them 

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or change them. 
And I would also like to invite 

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you to remember that no matter 
what Right here. 

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Right now. 
You are full. 

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You were perfect. 
You are complete. 

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You are amazing. 
You were wonderful. 

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Whatever you are stopping 
starting or continuing, you're 

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worthy and deserving of having a
life. 

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So Transcendent and miraculous 
that, you can't even imagine it.

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Thanks for being here. 
Until next time,