Hello beautiful humans, and welcome to the Mental Wellness
Wake Up Show, a weekly podcast where growthminded, creative
people come to learn best practices from both spirituality
and psychology that create lasting wellbeing.
I am your host, mental Wellness expert, improvised acting
teacher, therapist, and coach Dawn McMillan.
Let's get to it. Hello.
I'm so glad you're here.
Thanks for being here. Welcome back.
If you're returning listener, I value you so much.
Your time is precious, and I love that you are spending it
here with me. It is an honor and a privilege
to be in your company. So thank you.
And if you're here for the first time, yay.
Thanks for coming around. So we are in the midst of an
Enniogram series. Enniogram is a wisdom system
with 9 primary points and is normally used as a personality
typing system. So if you're here for the first
time, go ahead and hop on back, catch up with us.
We are now on Enniogram 3, which shockingly is not the third one
because we actually started elsewhere on the cycle.
So let's jump right in. And for those of you who are
leaving, come on back and join us on Enneagram 3.
So as you'll recall, the Enneagram is a circle with 9
points on it that are interrelated by lines and the
enneagrams 2-3 and four are clustered together.
And what we call the heart center, the emotional center,
these are people who are motivated by and kind of lead
with how they feel. Not like that sort of gut body
feeling, but more like that emotional feeling.
So what does that mean for our enneogram threes?
So what do we call the enneogram threes?
Oh, and I will be shuffling papers around And my keyboard, I
have a cool gamer keyboard because I'm cool like that.
I am not cool. So what do we call the
Enneograms? Enneogram 3 are the achiever,
the motivator, the role model, the paragon, the communicator,
the status seeker, the best. If the enniogram three was a
country, it would be the United States.
When I think of the Enniogram 3, I'm thinking about someone like
Tony Robbins. I'm thinking about that that
that, that personal trainer, that inspirational speaker, that
person who really has that, I don't know, like like you would
that leadership thing where you're like, I will follow you.
So threes at their best, are optimistic, confident,
industrious, efficient, selfpropelled, energetic,
practical, shadow side, because everybody's got one.
Threes at their worst are deceptive, narcissistic,
pretentious, vain, superficial, vindictive, overly competitive.
Threes are motivated by the need to be productive, achieve
success and avoid failure, and avoid failure and avoid failure.
So threes are very much interested not just in being
successful, but being perceived as successful.
They like for their success to show.
So let's talk a little bit more about about the anagram. 3.
So the basic, the the threes basic fear is of being worthless
without value, being worthless or without value apart from
their achievements. So remember we said that twos,
threes and fours are the feeling center and they're they can be
seen as being characterized by their relationship to shame.
So the way that threes deal with that, that secret fear that
they're worthless or unlovable in some way is to achieve is to
achieve. You can imagine the people who
were raised in an environment where they only got validated by
their environment for being really good at sports or getting
good grades or being pretty or, you know, it's their
achievements are what matter, not who they are as a person.
So I don't want to get too much into how people become the way
that they are, because honestly, the answer really is just
because it's nature. It's nurture, it's biological,
it's social, bio psycho, it's psychological.
But so the basic fear behind the personality type of three is of
being worthless and people not valuing them for anything other
than their achievements. The basic desire is to feel
worthwhile, accepted, and desirable.
And what it's not listed in this Reso Hudson little blurb is to
be to feel worthwhile, accepted and desirable for who they are,
not for what they have accomplished.
They're super ego message you are good or okay as long as you
are successful and others think well of you.
So you can see the trap there. You can see the trap there
because as long as others think well of you.
So for a three who's you know in the in the midst of this
personality type of this archetype, it's not enough to be
successful. That success has to be known.
Other people also have to think well of you.
And so a three is going to be drawn to a high high prestige
careers. The threes are not the kind to
work quietly behind the scenes changing the world.
They're going to be out front changing the world.
Let's take a look at some levels of three so we can know how this
might operate in our friends, loved ones, and in ourselves.
OK, so any anyagram is just all kinds of groups of three.
Three groups of three in any number of ways.
It's insane. All the ways you can divide the
anyagram up into threes. So 9 levels of the nine types.
So level 9, a very unhealthy anaiagram. 3 is going to be
monomaniacal, relentless mono, meaning one so unhealthy.
Threes feel that there is nothing they can do to win the
positive attention of the people whose approval they need, and
may lose control of their repressed hostility and rage.
They may seek revenge on real or imagined tormentors, attempting
to bring down whoever they feel has rejected them.
So this is someone who's given up hope.
They would desperately want approval, but they don't think
there's anything that they can do to get it.
So they can be very dangerous. Level 8, so we're getting a
little bit healthier on level 8. An eogram 3 May present as
duplicitous. That means they lie and
opportunistic. So unhealthy threes have become
so desperate for attention that they will concoct any story or
scheme in order to cover over their deterioration.
They do not want anyone to know how troubled they are and are
willing to go to great lengths to keep their emotional illness
and misdeeds higged in. They're willing to go to great
lengths to keep their emotional illness and were misdeeds
hidden. Remember the whole Enron scandal
where people were lying and cheating that you can think of
that as sort of a level 8 and eargram 3 type behavior.
K level 7 getting a little healthier at this level.
The anygram 3 is going to present as unprincipled and
deceptive. Threes fear that they are
failing and that their claims may be empty and fraudulent,
which may be true. To save their self-image they
begin to deceive themselves and others saying whatever will
impress people or get them off the hook inside.
They feel empty and depressed. So it's a little bit like that
any or gram two people pleasing instinct or impulse but rather
that where that any or gram two people pleasing is to be liked,
this is to be impressive. They want people to to be
impressed by them. So then we move up into sort of
average. So you know the the last three
levels are people who are really disturbed, really traumatized,
really hurting, and then we get to sort of your average person
who's you know, making it through life.
All right. So level 6 in eogram 3 is going
to be self promoting and grandiose threes are afraid that
others will not notice them unless they are hugely
successful or outstanding. Thus they try to convince
themselves and others of the reality of their grandiose
claims. They are self promoting,
competitive and arrogant as a defense against secret
neediness. Grandiose.
Are you hearing narcissistic
characteristics? Yes you are.
Sidebar, Stop calling everyone a narcissist.
There are all kinds of ways to be self-centered without being a
narcissist. Narcissistic personality
disorder is actually very rare. OK, and a sidebar.
OK, so that's a level 6 self promoting grandiose, moving up a
little bit. In our average Level 3 to a
level 5, this person's going to present as image, image
conscious and expedient. Threes worry that they will lose
the positive regard of others, so they wish to impress people.
They strive to cultivate what they believe will be the most
attractive image possible. Ambitious but selfdoubting.
They want to be admired and desired.
They typically have intimacy problems.
So in AGRAM, threes in general, they're going to, they're going
to show their success, they're going to show that they've got
it going on. So you can imagine someone who
spends a little at this level, who spends a little bit extra on
the sports car or the luxury model of the car, because they
want people that even drive by them to be impressed by them, to
know that they they are successful and they're really
ambitious. They work hard, but secretly
they're doubting themselves. So we move up a little bit in
our emotional health Level 4 successoriented and performing.
So threes begin to fear that they will be overshadowed by the
accomplishments of others, that their efforts will not bring
them the attention they desire. So you hear that little edge of
competitiveness. So thus they need to distinguish
themselves from others by overachieving.
They continually Dr. themselves to achieve more.
So right now I'm thinking about the characterization of
Alexander Hamilton in the musical Hamilton right?
They describe him as relentless, never stopping nonstop.
So in order to make sure that they are as successful as
they're supposed to be, they just over overwork.
They overstrive. They continually Dr. themselves
to achieve more. This is the person with, I don't
know, the Nobel Prize and a Booker award and a MacArthur
genius grant and gosh, only knows what else, right?
So these are striving mixed driver stints.
OK, so let's move up a little bit to the healthier expression
of this Level 3 archetype. So Level 3 and Aagram three.
Goal oriented, self improving threes reinforce their
self-image by developing themselves and their talents.
They are competent, confident and persistent, becoming
exemplary and whatever they do, effective communicators.
They are often popular role model role models and
inspirations to others. So these at this level people
are a little healthier. They're not driven.
They're not continually driven, but they do continually work to
improve themselves and to develop their talents, right?
They're practicing their instrument every day.
They're effective communicators. You know, these are the people
in your organization or in your friend group where you're just
like, ah, that person's really got it going on.
And a healthy Level 3. They they really, they really
got it going on. They really are using their
talents in a way that is visible to others.
So they're competent, confident and persistent.
Moving up a level 2. At this level, an NA gram 3 is
going to present as adaptable and admirable.
Threes are attuned to what others value and adapt
themselves to become a person who would be more valuable.
self-image. I am outstanding, capable and
well adjusted with unlimited potential.
So here's a little threes can be a little chameleon like, right?
Because they threes are are often the kind of people who are
good at a lot of things. And because they value being
that perception of success, like they they they really appreciate
being admired. They may lean into those
particular talents of the of theirs that are the most valued.
You think about someone who is equally good at football and
baseball. They might lean into their
football career because it's higher status.
Is that true? I guess it depends on where you
hang out, but you know what I'm saying, right?
So they may be equally good at creative writing and biology.
And depending on their family of origin, they may lean into the
biology because their family likes the sciences more.
Something like that and a level 1.
So a highly emotionally healthy, well integrated NA gram three,
you're going to see them as inner, directed and authentic.
So these threes, this archetype of the three, let they let go of
the belief that their value is dependent on the positive regard
of others, thus freeing them to discover their true identity and
their own heart's desire. So while all aneograms really
get some juice out of being admired by other people, like it
really is like a vital nutrient to them.
It's a it's like a vitamin really.
It really feeds them when that when a three gets very well
nourished and well evolved and well integrated, they know they
appreciate it. They still love the admiration,
but they know that their value is not, that is not their value.
The positive regard of others does not determine their value.
So they get their basic desire achieved.
They feel valuable and worthwhile but they're not
needing it from other people if that makes sense.
So they become self accepting, genuine and benevolent.
So if you know these high achievers you probably know and
any a gram 3 because they're so high achieving right any a gram
threes they're like at the they're they're at the top of
the grade they're they're they're they're out there doing
the thing very, very visibly. They they have Ted talks, right.
They're out there you see them you see their success.
They're well dressed, they're well dressed.
They're well groomed, They're well put together.
They got the nice car. They've they've got all the
letters after their name. You know, I have one friend that
I tease like about all the letters she has after her name.
And she's like, that's not even all of them.
So, you know, any Agram threes are are noticeable.
And when you're around in any Agram 3, there's just that they
just have this inner fire that that makes you like think, oh, I
can get out there and do stuff right when they're on stage,
when they're that inspirational speaker, like you know, you're
like afterwards like, I'm going to go out there and I'm going to
make stuff happen. Super inspiring, super
inspiring. And when you get a really well
integrated and air Gram 3, they're so comfortable in their
own skin, right? Like, so they're just sort of
casually wandering around in their designer clothes, in their
mansions. If that's the level of the type
of success that they're choosing, they might be
wandering around in their their monk's robes, in their sanctuary
or whatever personal type of achievement there at the You get
it. I'm going to stop giving
examples. And when you're around them,
they're so just like, admirable. They're so admirable that you
catch that fire a little bit and you're like, I can achieve
things, I want to achieve things, I can achieve things.
That seems cool. That seems possible.
So are any of Gram threes. Like, like I said, every every
group needs at least one of every kind of person.
So your Annagram 3 is going to get things done and look good
while they're doing it. Like the the image that just
came to me is like, you know that that ballet dancer who's
like standing on one leg and point, and her other leg is
pointing straight up at the sky and she just stands there
perfectly still for like 5 minutes and makes it look
effortless and graceful and easy.
That's Annagram 3. They make they look good,
they're doing well, and they inspire you to do the same.
So if you have an anagram 3 in your life, model them.
Model them. How are they doing what they do?
Because they have figured out how to fit into a niche in a way
that is highly valuable. They're, they're they're people
to model threes at their best are optimistic, confident,
industrious, efficient, self-propelled, right.
You know how all those job offers are like?
Wanted, Self Starter, BLEB, BLEB BLEB.
We're talking about that Annagram 3 vibe.
They are self-propelled, energetic and practical.
So one of the things that Annagram threes really need to
watch out for, give yourself a break.
It's okay to not be the best at everything.
And actually, it's okay not to be the best at anything.
Like for real, for real there. It's okay not to be the best.
It's okay to not drive yourself
all the time. You don't have to impress people
all the time. You get to enjoy being you.
You get to enjoy being you, so maybe lighten up a little bit.
Lighten up. Be kind to yourself.
Lean into that authenticity. If you are leading into your
authenticity, you will do it better than everyone else.
Because if you're an anagram 3, you do everything better than
everyone else. But yeah, just lighten up.
It's okay not to be the best. You don't have to be the best at
everything. Because you know what?
If you can be vulnerable, if you can give yourself grace.
You'll be surprised at how many people think you're amazing even
when you're not perfect, even when you're not the best, right?
You can't. You can't.
And don't cheat to make it look good when you're not actually
the best. That's another danger for any of
gram threes. So for the rest of us, how can
we appreciate the any of gram threes in our lives, right?
Because they're out there making it look good, and they may be so
good at making it look good that you have no idea how hard
they're working. So if you have someone who's a
striver and a pusher and a grinder, maybe the gift you can
give them is letting them know that your appreciation of them
is not about that. Your appreciation is not about
the car or the award or the whatever else it is that they're
doing to mark their achievement. You can let them know how much
you appreciate them for, I don't know their sense of humor or the
great hugs they give or whatever other values that they have.
And then for those of us who aren't in here grand threes, how
can we get that inspirational vibe going?
How can we be a just a little bit more selfpropelled?
How can we be a little bit more industrious?
How can we be a little more confident and a little more
optimistic? How can we bought brought bother
and don't bother people hard or do It's up to you.
You're autonomous. How can we borrow that any
anagram 3 archetype to like go out there and do the thing.
Go do the thing, go do the thing, go do the thing your
heart is calling you to do. Bonus points if, like in any
anagram 3, you can make it look good, but the more important
thing is to go do the thing and know, Like any anagram threes,
when you get out there and you do the thing, you are quietly,
or maybe not so quietly, inspiring someone else to do the
thing too. And if you're in any of gram
three, we see you, we see you, we see you, and we think you're
awesome. You know who else is awesome?
The rest of us. Because if there's one thing I
hope you're taking away from the series, it's just how everyone
has these beautiful gifts to give to each other.
And that when we're all in our center, when we're all deeply in
our gifts, we create this beautiful spectrum of of
perspectives and personality strengths that create this
gorgeous whole. And then, as we ourselves
integrate all of these different types into ourselves, we become
the center of the circle, able to borrow from, lean into, and
express all of these different facets of ourselves as the
moment requires, while still being totally, truly authentic
to ourselves. And if you're like me, that
sounds beautiful, really beautiful.
Have good news, by the way. You are are already beautiful.
Wherever you find yourself on the anagram, wherever you find
yourself on the emotional scale of maturity, you are whole,
perfect and complete. That's who you truly are.
When I read your anagram, type
like, I really integrated anagram type, blah blah, blah.
That's that's the the tip of the iceberg of who you truly are.
And you, right here, right now, yesterday and tomorrow, you are
worthy and deserving of so much peace, so much fulfillment, so
much enjoyment, so much freedom, so much love and so much safety
that your mind can't even begin to imagine.
All right, I'm giving you a hug. Yeah.
Do you feel that? Did you feel that that was me
giving you a hug? All right, until next time, I am
so honored that you share time with me.
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