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Hello, beautiful humans and 
welcome to the mental Wellness. 

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Wake up, show a weekly podcast 
where growth minded creative 

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people, come to learn, best 
practices from both spirituality

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and psychology that create 
lasting well-being. 

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I am your host mental Wellness, 
expert improvised acting teacher

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therapist and Coach, Don 
McMillan. 

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Let's get to it. 
It. 

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All right, you beautiful humans.
You thank you for being here 

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right now. 
I really appreciate it. 

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I appreciate you so much. 
I appreciate you so much. 

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Because these moments that we 
share are so meaningful to me in

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any number of ways. 
One, I feel honored that you 

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trust me enough to listen to 
some of the ideas that I share 

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in the accountability that I 
have. 

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You reminds me to practice my 
principles to lean into what is 

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true and what is helpful and to 
call myself up when I start to 

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slip into Old patterns or 
unhelpful patterns. 

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So you are a gift to me and I 
thank you. 

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I thank you for that. 
So there's been a lot coming up 

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for me and my world. 
Both Professor professorson, 

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Ali-A, speaks oneth profession. 
Optionally and personally it's 

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been a lot of return to Basics 
lately and I think that's just 

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the nature of any Endeavor, no 
matter how advanced you are, you

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got to do the basics. 
No matter how many years you're 

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dancing, you still have to 
stretch out. 

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No matter how many years you've 
been playing your instrument, 

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sometimes you have to do your 
scales. 

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So I am allowing it to be okay 
that we're at Basics because 

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that's just how Live shows up. 
So what Basics are we talking 

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about today? 
The three choices that you have 

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in life, the three choices that 
you have in life, the three 

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choices that you have in life. 
All right, so if you're like me,

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I like it. 
When people tell me, there's a 

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limited number of choices. 
So there's Nuance within what I 

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am about to talk about within 
each of those three choices is a

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beautiful spectrum of options 
for how to approach it, but this

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has been coming up a lot. 
With with clients and with me as

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I'm, as I said, I have to hold 
myself accountable for 

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practicing my principles. 
So what are these three choices 

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in life, right? 
I'm cutting to the chase except 

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change or suffer. 
Yeah, yeah. 

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Don we know we know we know no 
one likes that when it's being 

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brought up to them and they're 
in pain. 

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And I get that, I don't like it,
I don't like it. 

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When I'm in that space of I've 
tried everything and nothing 

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works, or there's nothing I can 
do or this is terrible. 

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This is terrible and there's 
nothing I can do that. 

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Space is so deeply and 
profoundly painful that having 

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some knucklehead come along and 
don't let you need to accept it.

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You need to change it, anyways, 
you're going to keep suffering. 

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No, no, that is not the space 
from which were coming. 

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And ultimately, it does come 
down to those three paths, those

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powders are wide, there's any 
number of ways to choose one of 

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those three paths. 
But ultimately for most 

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situations that's what's 
available to you, except what is

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change, what is or continue to 
suffer I'd like to give you an 

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example. 
Before I get into my good friend

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here, Russ Harris. 
Who says it much more kindly and

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extensively than I just set it 
here. 

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All right, I am 5 foot 5. 
And a quarter. 

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I'm five foot five. 
I have a couple of options about

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being five foot five. 
I can hate being five foot five.

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I can believe that being five 
foot five is one of the worst 

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things that can happen to a 
person and it is ruining my 

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life. 
And in that state of, oh my God,

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my life sucks. 
Because I am 5 foot 5, it's 

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making everything terrible. 
And if only, I were five foot 

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seven, my life would be so much 
better. 

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But no, I am 5 foot 5, and it's 
terrible, and it sucks. 

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And I hate my life, and I hate 
myself and nothing is worth 

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doing because I am 5 foot 5. 
And in that space, I am 

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suffering. 
I'm suffering about being five 

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foot five. 
And then Along Comes a 

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knucklehead saying, well you 
need to accept it or change it 

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or you're going to keep 
suffering. 

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Not helpful, but let's look at 
it. 

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Let's look at it. 
I hate being 5 foot 5. 

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And I think there's it's ruining
my life and there's nothing I 

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can do about it. 
Not true, there's a surgery, I 

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could get that. 
Would I think you can get up to 

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4 inches, the essentially break 
your legs and put this machine 

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device thing on it that holds 
the Bonaparte until your body 

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fills in the space with extra 
bone and muscles and things like

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that. 
I could go get that surgery, but

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wait, who has the money to go 
get that. 

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All right, well, I could pull 
off a heist. 

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I could pull off a heist to go. 
Get all of that money. 

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Well, I don't have time off 
work. 

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Well, as long as I'm pulling off
a heist and might, as well lose 

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my job. 
Who's going to take care of my 

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family? 
Well, you know, it's more 

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important to me to not be five 
foot five than it is to take 

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care of them so they'll be fine,
right? 

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So it's a ridiculous example, 
but the point is, it is not 

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actually true. 
That I can't do anything about 

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being 5 foot 5. 
I can't. 

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I can. 
And I bring that up to point out

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that many of the situations in 
which we have come to believe 

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that there's nothing we can do 
there is there are things that 

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we could choose to do. 
What might be more accurate to 

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say. 
Is there are not things that we 

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are willing to do about the 
situation. 

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There's nothing I can do about 
the war in the Ukraine. 

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Hmm, you could get yourself on a
plane. 

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You know, stop at the guns and 
ammo store by an AK, and take 

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yourself to the Ukraine and 
start fighting alongside the 

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resistance. 
Is that a reasonable thing to 

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do? 
No. 

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Okay. 
I'm making the point and being 

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ridiculous. 
I'm making the point. 

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You got it. 
Sometimes we feel as if there's 

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nothing. 
Can do, and that's not entirely 

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accurate. 
There are choices that we could 

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make, but for whatever reason, 
those choices don't seem real, 

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they don't seem true or they 
don't seem desirable. 

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So, let's, let's shift into 
those things that we can't 

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change other people. 
For example, the past, for 

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example, I cannot change that. 
I was born in Kansas City, 

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Missouri! 
Like that happened. 

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It's done. 
Nothing I can do about it, so 

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when we get into the realm of 
things that we cannot change, we

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start to look into the realm of 
the other two choices except or 

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suffer. 
Many, many, many times we choose

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suffering, be to suffering. 
There's a situation that I 

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cannot change and I hate it. 
So I'm just going to be unhappy 

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and miserable and struggle and 
suffer and suffer because it 

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cannot change the situation, and
I hate it. 

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I'm going to assume at this 
juncture that you are willing to

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stop suffering. 
So that puts us into the third 

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option, the big wide path of 
acceptance acceptance is tricky.

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We don't really have great 
language for it. 

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A lot of time when we feel like 
acceptance is about resignation 

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endurance and tolerance. 
So I want to spend a little time

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with a friend of my with the 
help of my friend, Russ Harris 

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here about what are some options
in the acceptance camp. 

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All right, so we have to back up
a little bit and we need to talk

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about what makes a life worth 
living. 

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What makes a life worth living? 
So, Let's talk about our values.

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Let's talk about are our values 
values, says, rest Harris. 

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And I agree, Professor provide a
powerful antidote to our 

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suffering. 
A way to give your life purpose 

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and meaning Any activity, we do 
will be more meaningful and 

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fulfilling. 
If it's motivated primarily by 

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our values he goes on, we can go
to work and Obey mode hooked by 

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rules. 
Like I have to do this job to 

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pay the bills and we can go to 
work and struggle mode. 

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Trying to avoid difficult, 
thoughts and feelings. 

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For example, working helps me 
escape feeling like a loser. 

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Alternatively, we can go to 
work, motivated by our values, 

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living my values being 
supportive. 

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And caring for my family. 
So values are a way of making 

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life more meaningful and 
fulfilling. 

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Anything that could otherwise be
dull, tedious, or stressful can 

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be impacted by choosing choosing
to live, according to our 

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values. 
Instead of living according to 

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these rules that make us feel 
out of control and helpless. 

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So again, borrowing from Russ 
values are not rules. 

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So rules are basically commands 
orders and laws imposed by your 

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mind, if you Ever worked with me
for more than five minutes, you 

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will probably have heard from me
about that should rules are 

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shoulds must have to. 
So, that's when your brain is 

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being a tyrant, you must obey 
these rules and if you don't 

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something very bad will happen. 
So if you're feeling heavy 

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burdened trapped, your brain has
hooked you into a rule. 

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It's hooked you into a rule. 
I have to do this thing. 

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Subtext that I don't want to do.
Or I will create some awful 

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situation. 
So rules contain words, like, 

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have to must ought should write 
wrong. 

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Always never do this. 
Don't do that. 

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Can't, until I'm going to 
repeat, that can't until I can't

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be happy until I have a hundred 
thousand dollars in my bank 

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account. 
I can't rest until I finish this

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entire list can't until--. 
Won't unless can't because there

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are so many rules there. 
So many rules are so many rules 

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that are Tyrant brain. 
Inflicts Upon Us, many of those 

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roles in programmed and 
inflicted Upon Us by our 

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upbringing by our society. 
By the social constructs that we

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have been born into and, And 
there are always many ways to 

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act upon our values even in 
difficult situations, but rules 

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in contrast, massively narrow 
our options. 

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The more strictly, we obey them.
The less choice we have. 

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So rules can be helpful, rules 
can be helpful. 

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Right. 
God's good to stop at stop 

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signs. 
That's a good rule, but our 

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self-imposed rules can keep us 
stuck. 

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Those are the things like I have
to put other people. 

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First, their needs are more 
important than mine. 

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That's a rule that keeps us 
stuck. 

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It takes away our choices. 
So, if I believe, I always have 

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to put other people first, 
because their needs are more 

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important than mine that in any 
given situation, I no longer 

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have choices. 
I know how longer have options. 

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And when I feel like I don't 
have choices when I feel like I 

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don't have options, I have now 
in the land of compulsions, I 

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have to do this thing or we 
create this suffering and and 

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anxiety. 
When we don't follow the 

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compulsion, So, part of the 
problem with rules in addition 

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to making us feel stuck and 
commanded and compulsive and 

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like we don't have choice, is it
kind of sucked the life out of 

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our values? 
Because instead of I'm choosing 

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to do this because it's based on
my values and experiencing that 

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that flush of purpose and 
meaning and empowerment and 

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vitality. 
Instead, we're following this 

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Rule and we feel heaviness 
pressure obligation or shame 

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guilt anxiety. 
Do you feel trapped? 

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You feel like you have no 
choices. 

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Hear me now. 
Believe me. 

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Now, there is a rule. 
There's a rule that's operating 

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in your life. 
There's a rule operating in your

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life, and the threat of a rule 
is, if you don't obey this rule,

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no matter how much suffering in 
a creates for you, something 

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worse will happen. 
So, you'll remember an episode 

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from back, right? 
From way back, when it talked 

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about, you know, five ways of 
stopping your mind from beating 

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you up. 
So that's about unhooking from 

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these rules. 
You go up, there you go. 

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Mind. 
I know you're trying to help me 

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by giving me some guidance on 
how to live going to take a 

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different approach and see how 
that works. 

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Thanks. 
So what do values do instead? 

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So values, are directions? 
Their guidelines, they are ways 

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of prioritizing how to behave. 
So for example, in and I'm 

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borrowing from Russ here, Let's 
see, where is it? 

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When it comes to close 
relationships. 

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We might have values such as 
being, loving and caring. 

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So that's not a rule, that's a 
value, it's a direction, it's a 

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wave, orienting our life. 
So to continue rest, as example,

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when it comes to close 
relationships, who might have 

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values such as being loving and 
caring. 

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But if we have a parent who is 
continually hostile and abusive 

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to us, we might cut off all 
contact with that person. 

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Because our values around 
self-protection and self-respect

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take priority. 
And here's where it's important.

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Because a value is a guide and 
not a rule. 

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He says this ever values around 
being loving and caring, haven't

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disappeared. 
We still have the value of being

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loving and caring. 
They're just in a different part

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of our globe of values. 
Who's in that specific 

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relationship. 
Can you hear my stomach 

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growling? 
I'm sorry. 

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So values are not rules and they
sort of shift and they flow 

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depending. 
So we're still holding to the 

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value of loving and caring in 
the relationships that are safe.

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So one exercise that's it can be
helpful to do is to know what 

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your values are. 
Know what your values are. 

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Know what our values are. 
So what that means is when we 

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are in a situation that doesn't 
work for us, you have the 

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following three choices and this
is stated slightly differently 

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than I shared it before. 
Leave right chain. 

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Leave the situation, leave the 
situation or two and this is 

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except land stay and live by 
your values. 

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Stay and live by your values, do
whatever you can to improve the 

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situation. 
Make room for the pain, that 

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goes with it and treat yourself 
kindly. 

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So in my ridiculous example, 
about being five foot, five that

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situation, I can leave the 
situation and I can leave that 

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situation by virtue of no longer
being five foot five. 

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I can go get a surgery or I'm no
longer five foot five. 

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That's the leave. 
That's the Change. 

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Stay and live by your values 
option, the except option acce 

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PT, accept, option is do 
whatever I can, to improve the 

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situation. 
So, if I truly believe that 

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being five foot five is ruining 
my life. 

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Maybe I put lifts in my shoes, 
so I'm taller and make room for 

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the pain that goes with it. 
Yeah, sometimes because I'm five

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foot five. 
There's a kind of suffering that

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happens. 
And what I do is I make space 

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for the pain that goes with it 
and I treat myself, kindly 

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someone discriminates against me
because I'm 5 foot 5. 

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I recognize that there is pain. 
I'll allow it. 

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I interrogate what do I need in 
this moment? 

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How can I nourish myself? 
And I treat myself kindly. 

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That's the acceptance piece. 
Or option 3, I stay but I do 

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nothing to make a difference. 
Or I should make choices that 

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make it worse. 
All right, except change suffer.

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For in thrust is language leave 
stay and live by your values. 

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Or stay and do something nothing
to make a difference or make it 

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worse. 
So if you can't leave or won't 

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leave, then you're down to those
two options and he acknowledges,

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and I acknowledge that three 
comes naturally to all of us. 

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In challenging situations, we 
easily get hooked by difficult 

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thoughts and feelings and pulled
into self-defeating patterns of 

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behavior. 
That keep us stuck, her make 

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things worse, I'm five foot 
five, it, I hate it, I hate it, 

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and they hate it and I hate it. 
That's a lot of our default. 

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So what I'm inviting us to is to
look at that other option for 

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those situations that we truly 
cannot or will not change. 

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00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,600
Let's own it. 
Sometimes we are choosing not to

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change it often If we're honest.
Because there's some value 

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00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:30,800
underneath it that's being 
served there, so if we can find 

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that value, that's underneath 
it. 

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We sometimes can help alleviate 
our suffering. 

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So if I'm in a difficult 
relationship with a difficult 

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parent and I am, Choosing to 
leave that relationship. 

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It's because my value of filial 
loyalty is very high, right? 

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Okay. 
So now, rather than continuing 

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to hate being in that 
relationship, I can lean into 

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that value of philia, loyalty, I
can lean into, I owe my parents 

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00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:04,300
respect and gratitude, no matter
how they behave, if that's the 

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value, and when it hurts Allow 
recognized that it hurts open up

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00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,200
space Within Myself for that 
pain. 

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00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:17,000
Give it room investigate. 
What can I do to nourish myself 

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in that moment? 
Does that sound like something 

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00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:27,900
you can do? 
and those moments when you 

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cannot or will not change a 
situation, lean into the values 

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that keep you in that situation.
And when there is pain, make 

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00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,000
space for it. 
And treat yourself kindly, and 

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00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,800
remind yourself that you are 
living according to your values,

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00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:50,500
lean into those values. 
I'm making this Choice. 

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I'm here because there's 
something that I value that is 

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important to me and I'm going to
lean into it and thereby create 

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more meaning Fulfilling 
fulfilling. 

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We're meaning and fulfillment in
this choice. 

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00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,000
Even though, sometimes it's 
difficult. 

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00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:16,900
Alright, I hope this hope. 
This episode is clear. 

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00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:22,800
This is one of those Concepts 
that is is a little fraught, 

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00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,500
little difficult, a little 
painful, a lot of the time. 

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00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:29,800
So I'm hoping that by taking a 
little extra time with it, 

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00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:34,200
you're able to receive it and if
it didn't quite land, try 

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00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:37,400
listening to it again before 
you're like, oh, there's nothing

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00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,600
in it for me, please and thank 
you also, please. 

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00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:44,500
And thank you. 
Has anyone told you lately? 

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00:22:44,900 --> 00:22:49,200
How unbelievably you are? 
Oh my gosh, when I think about 

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00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,600
how amazing you are, I kind of 
want to do a happy dance. 

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00:22:53,100 --> 00:22:56,900
I kind of want to just run 
around going we because you are 

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00:22:56,900 --> 00:23:01,600
so amazing. 
You're so beautiful and inside 

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00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:08,100
of you is so much greatness. 
When I want to applaud you for 

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00:23:08,100 --> 00:23:11,600
every day that you get up. 
And do your life. 

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You are so fantastic, your whole
you're perfect, you're complete.

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00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,100
You're doing the best you can 
sometime life life's at you and 

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00:23:25,100 --> 00:23:27,800
you're like, I got you life, 
okay, you knocked me down for a 

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00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,600
minute. 
I'm going to Keep On Truckin. 

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00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:39,200
And right now with you accept 
change or suffer, you're still 

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00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:42,000
worthy and deserving of a life. 
So spectacular it surprises. 

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00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:49,400
Even you. hear me now whether 
you accept change or suffer, you

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00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:55,500
are still Where the undeserving 
of a life so spectacular that it

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00:23:55,500 --> 00:24:00,900
surprises even you. 
Okay, until next time.