Hello, beautiful humans and welcome to the mental Wellness.
Wake up, show a weekly podcast where growth minded creative
people, come to learn, best practices from both spirituality
and psychology that create lasting well-being.
I am your host mental Wellness, expert improvised acting teacher
therapist and Coach, Don McMillan.
Let's get to it. It.
All right, you beautiful humans. You thank you for being here
right now. I really appreciate it.
I appreciate you so much. I appreciate you so much.
Because these moments that we share are so meaningful to me in
any number of ways. One, I feel honored that you
trust me enough to listen to some of the ideas that I share
in the accountability that I have.
You reminds me to practice my principles to lean into what is
true and what is helpful and to call myself up when I start to
slip into Old patterns or unhelpful patterns.
So you are a gift to me and I thank you.
I thank you for that. So there's been a lot coming up
for me and my world. Both Professor professorson,
Ali-A, speaks oneth profession. Optionally and personally it's
been a lot of return to Basics lately and I think that's just
the nature of any Endeavor, no matter how advanced you are, you
got to do the basics. No matter how many years you're
dancing, you still have to stretch out.
No matter how many years you've been playing your instrument,
sometimes you have to do your scales.
So I am allowing it to be okay that we're at Basics because
that's just how Live shows up. So what Basics are we talking
about today? The three choices that you have
in life, the three choices that you have in life, the three
choices that you have in life. All right, so if you're like me,
I like it. When people tell me, there's a
limited number of choices. So there's Nuance within what I
am about to talk about within each of those three choices is a
beautiful spectrum of options for how to approach it, but this
has been coming up a lot. With with clients and with me as
I'm, as I said, I have to hold myself accountable for
practicing my principles. So what are these three choices
in life, right? I'm cutting to the chase except
change or suffer. Yeah, yeah.
Don we know we know we know no one likes that when it's being
brought up to them and they're in pain.
And I get that, I don't like it, I don't like it.
When I'm in that space of I've tried everything and nothing
works, or there's nothing I can do or this is terrible.
This is terrible and there's nothing I can do that.
Space is so deeply and profoundly painful that having
some knucklehead come along and don't let you need to accept it.
You need to change it, anyways, you're going to keep suffering.
No, no, that is not the space from which were coming.
And ultimately, it does come down to those three paths, those
powders are wide, there's any number of ways to choose one of
those three paths. But ultimately for most
situations that's what's available to you, except what is
change, what is or continue to suffer I'd like to give you an
example. Before I get into my good friend
here, Russ Harris. Who says it much more kindly and
extensively than I just set it here.
All right, I am 5 foot 5. And a quarter.
I'm five foot five. I have a couple of options about
being five foot five. I can hate being five foot five.
I can believe that being five foot five is one of the worst
things that can happen to a person and it is ruining my
life. And in that state of, oh my God,
my life sucks. Because I am 5 foot 5, it's
making everything terrible. And if only, I were five foot
seven, my life would be so much better.
But no, I am 5 foot 5, and it's terrible, and it sucks.
And I hate my life, and I hate myself and nothing is worth
doing because I am 5 foot 5. And in that space, I am
suffering. I'm suffering about being five
foot five. And then Along Comes a
knucklehead saying, well you need to accept it or change it
or you're going to keep suffering.
Not helpful, but let's look at it.
Let's look at it. I hate being 5 foot 5.
And I think there's it's ruining my life and there's nothing I
can do about it. Not true, there's a surgery, I
could get that. Would I think you can get up to
4 inches, the essentially break your legs and put this machine
device thing on it that holds the Bonaparte until your body
fills in the space with extra bone and muscles and things like
that. I could go get that surgery, but
wait, who has the money to go get that.
All right, well, I could pull off a heist.
I could pull off a heist to go. Get all of that money.
Well, I don't have time off work.
Well, as long as I'm pulling off a heist and might, as well lose
my job. Who's going to take care of my
family? Well, you know, it's more
important to me to not be five foot five than it is to take
care of them so they'll be fine, right?
So it's a ridiculous example, but the point is, it is not
actually true. That I can't do anything about
being 5 foot 5. I can't.
I can. And I bring that up to point out
that many of the situations in which we have come to believe
that there's nothing we can do there is there are things that
we could choose to do. What might be more accurate to
say. Is there are not things that we
are willing to do about the situation.
There's nothing I can do about the war in the Ukraine.
Hmm, you could get yourself on a plane.
You know, stop at the guns and ammo store by an AK, and take
yourself to the Ukraine and start fighting alongside the
resistance. Is that a reasonable thing to
do? No.
Okay. I'm making the point and being
ridiculous. I'm making the point.
You got it. Sometimes we feel as if there's
nothing. Can do, and that's not entirely
accurate. There are choices that we could
make, but for whatever reason, those choices don't seem real,
they don't seem true or they don't seem desirable.
So, let's, let's shift into those things that we can't
change other people. For example, the past, for
example, I cannot change that. I was born in Kansas City,
Missouri! Like that happened.
It's done. Nothing I can do about it, so
when we get into the realm of things that we cannot change, we
start to look into the realm of the other two choices except or
suffer. Many, many, many times we choose
suffering, be to suffering. There's a situation that I
cannot change and I hate it. So I'm just going to be unhappy
and miserable and struggle and suffer and suffer because it
cannot change the situation, and I hate it.
I'm going to assume at this juncture that you are willing to
stop suffering. So that puts us into the third
option, the big wide path of acceptance acceptance is tricky.
We don't really have great language for it.
A lot of time when we feel like acceptance is about resignation
endurance and tolerance. So I want to spend a little time
with a friend of my with the help of my friend, Russ Harris
here about what are some options in the acceptance camp.
All right, so we have to back up a little bit and we need to talk
about what makes a life worth living.
What makes a life worth living? So, Let's talk about our values.
Let's talk about are our values values, says, rest Harris.
And I agree, Professor provide a powerful antidote to our
suffering. A way to give your life purpose
and meaning Any activity, we do will be more meaningful and
fulfilling. If it's motivated primarily by
our values he goes on, we can go to work and Obey mode hooked by
rules. Like I have to do this job to
pay the bills and we can go to work and struggle mode.
Trying to avoid difficult, thoughts and feelings.
For example, working helps me escape feeling like a loser.
Alternatively, we can go to work, motivated by our values,
living my values being supportive.
And caring for my family. So values are a way of making
life more meaningful and fulfilling.
Anything that could otherwise be dull, tedious, or stressful can
be impacted by choosing choosing to live, according to our
values. Instead of living according to
these rules that make us feel out of control and helpless.
So again, borrowing from Russ values are not rules.
So rules are basically commands orders and laws imposed by your
mind, if you Ever worked with me for more than five minutes, you
will probably have heard from me about that should rules are
shoulds must have to. So, that's when your brain is
being a tyrant, you must obey these rules and if you don't
something very bad will happen. So if you're feeling heavy
burdened trapped, your brain has hooked you into a rule.
It's hooked you into a rule. I have to do this thing.
Subtext that I don't want to do. Or I will create some awful
situation. So rules contain words, like,
have to must ought should write wrong.
Always never do this. Don't do that.
Can't, until I'm going to repeat, that can't until I can't
be happy until I have a hundred thousand dollars in my bank
account. I can't rest until I finish this
entire list can't until--. Won't unless can't because there
are so many rules there. So many rules are so many rules
that are Tyrant brain. Inflicts Upon Us, many of those
roles in programmed and inflicted Upon Us by our
upbringing by our society. By the social constructs that we
have been born into and, And there are always many ways to
act upon our values even in difficult situations, but rules
in contrast, massively narrow our options.
The more strictly, we obey them. The less choice we have.
So rules can be helpful, rules can be helpful.
Right. God's good to stop at stop
signs. That's a good rule, but our
self-imposed rules can keep us stuck.
Those are the things like I have to put other people.
First, their needs are more important than mine.
That's a rule that keeps us stuck.
It takes away our choices. So, if I believe, I always have
to put other people first, because their needs are more
important than mine that in any given situation, I no longer
have choices. I know how longer have options.
And when I feel like I don't have choices when I feel like I
don't have options, I have now in the land of compulsions, I
have to do this thing or we create this suffering and and
anxiety. When we don't follow the
compulsion, So, part of the problem with rules in addition
to making us feel stuck and commanded and compulsive and
like we don't have choice, is it kind of sucked the life out of
our values? Because instead of I'm choosing
to do this because it's based on my values and experiencing that
that flush of purpose and meaning and empowerment and
vitality. Instead, we're following this
Rule and we feel heaviness pressure obligation or shame
guilt anxiety. Do you feel trapped?
You feel like you have no choices.
Hear me now. Believe me.
Now, there is a rule. There's a rule that's operating
in your life. There's a rule operating in your
life, and the threat of a rule is, if you don't obey this rule,
no matter how much suffering in a creates for you, something
worse will happen. So, you'll remember an episode
from back, right? From way back, when it talked
about, you know, five ways of stopping your mind from beating
you up. So that's about unhooking from
these rules. You go up, there you go.
Mind. I know you're trying to help me
by giving me some guidance on how to live going to take a
different approach and see how that works.
Thanks. So what do values do instead?
So values, are directions? Their guidelines, they are ways
of prioritizing how to behave. So for example, in and I'm
borrowing from Russ here, Let's see, where is it?
When it comes to close relationships.
We might have values such as being, loving and caring.
So that's not a rule, that's a value, it's a direction, it's a
wave, orienting our life. So to continue rest, as example,
when it comes to close relationships, who might have
values such as being loving and caring.
But if we have a parent who is continually hostile and abusive
to us, we might cut off all contact with that person.
Because our values around self-protection and self-respect
take priority. And here's where it's important.
Because a value is a guide and not a rule.
He says this ever values around being loving and caring, haven't
disappeared. We still have the value of being
loving and caring. They're just in a different part
of our globe of values. Who's in that specific
relationship. Can you hear my stomach
growling? I'm sorry.
So values are not rules and they sort of shift and they flow
depending. So we're still holding to the
value of loving and caring in the relationships that are safe.
So one exercise that's it can be helpful to do is to know what
your values are. Know what your values are.
Know what our values are. So what that means is when we
are in a situation that doesn't work for us, you have the
following three choices and this is stated slightly differently
than I shared it before. Leave right chain.
Leave the situation, leave the situation or two and this is
except land stay and live by your values.
Stay and live by your values, do whatever you can to improve the
situation. Make room for the pain, that
goes with it and treat yourself kindly.
So in my ridiculous example, about being five foot, five that
situation, I can leave the situation and I can leave that
situation by virtue of no longer being five foot five.
I can go get a surgery or I'm no longer five foot five.
That's the leave. That's the Change.
Stay and live by your values option, the except option acce
PT, accept, option is do whatever I can, to improve the
situation. So, if I truly believe that
being five foot five is ruining my life.
Maybe I put lifts in my shoes, so I'm taller and make room for
the pain that goes with it. Yeah, sometimes because I'm five
foot five. There's a kind of suffering that
happens. And what I do is I make space
for the pain that goes with it and I treat myself, kindly
someone discriminates against me because I'm 5 foot 5.
I recognize that there is pain. I'll allow it.
I interrogate what do I need in this moment?
How can I nourish myself? And I treat myself kindly.
That's the acceptance piece. Or option 3, I stay but I do
nothing to make a difference. Or I should make choices that
make it worse. All right, except change suffer.
For in thrust is language leave stay and live by your values.
Or stay and do something nothing to make a difference or make it
worse. So if you can't leave or won't
leave, then you're down to those two options and he acknowledges,
and I acknowledge that three comes naturally to all of us.
In challenging situations, we easily get hooked by difficult
thoughts and feelings and pulled into self-defeating patterns of
behavior. That keep us stuck, her make
things worse, I'm five foot five, it, I hate it, I hate it,
and they hate it and I hate it. That's a lot of our default.
So what I'm inviting us to is to look at that other option for
those situations that we truly cannot or will not change.
Let's own it. Sometimes we are choosing not to
change it often If we're honest. Because there's some value
underneath it that's being served there, so if we can find
that value, that's underneath it.
We sometimes can help alleviate our suffering.
So if I'm in a difficult relationship with a difficult
parent and I am, Choosing to leave that relationship.
It's because my value of filial loyalty is very high, right?
Okay. So now, rather than continuing
to hate being in that relationship, I can lean into
that value of philia, loyalty, I can lean into, I owe my parents
respect and gratitude, no matter how they behave, if that's the
value, and when it hurts Allow recognized that it hurts open up
space Within Myself for that pain.
Give it room investigate. What can I do to nourish myself
in that moment? Does that sound like something
you can do? and those moments when you
cannot or will not change a situation, lean into the values
that keep you in that situation. And when there is pain, make
space for it. And treat yourself kindly, and
remind yourself that you are living according to your values,
lean into those values. I'm making this Choice.
I'm here because there's something that I value that is
important to me and I'm going to lean into it and thereby create
more meaning Fulfilling fulfilling.
We're meaning and fulfillment in this choice.
Even though, sometimes it's difficult.
Alright, I hope this hope. This episode is clear.
This is one of those Concepts that is is a little fraught,
little difficult, a little painful, a lot of the time.
So I'm hoping that by taking a little extra time with it,
you're able to receive it and if it didn't quite land, try
listening to it again before you're like, oh, there's nothing
in it for me, please and thank you also, please.
And thank you. Has anyone told you lately?
How unbelievably you are? Oh my gosh, when I think about
how amazing you are, I kind of want to do a happy dance.
I kind of want to just run around going we because you are
so amazing. You're so beautiful and inside
of you is so much greatness. When I want to applaud you for
every day that you get up. And do your life.
You are so fantastic, your whole you're perfect, you're complete.
You're doing the best you can sometime life life's at you and
you're like, I got you life, okay, you knocked me down for a
minute. I'm going to Keep On Truckin.
And right now with you accept change or suffer, you're still
worthy and deserving of a life. So spectacular it surprises.
Even you. hear me now whether you accept change or suffer, you
are still Where the undeserving of a life so spectacular that it
surprises even you. Okay, until next time.