1 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:11,880 He says she's so sweet, man. Come on over. 2 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:14,880 The rapper lit me like a lollipop. 3 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:22,920 Lollipop, Lollipop Lollipop Lollipop Lollipop Lollipop. 4 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,800 Welcome back to another episode of Candyland. 5 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:32,880 We've got the beautiful Gemini. Oh, you're so sweet to me. 6 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:33,720 Hello. Look at you. 7 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:39,840 We came in matching buns. Hot Mess Express Two kids you 8 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:44,200 know again. I did and I have decided to take 9 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:49,320 authority over my hair again and color it myself because I like a 10 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:53,440 very specific red. And I thought like, you know how 11 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,040 I get where I like second guess what I'm doing and I'm like 12 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,680 maybe somebody else can do it better than me. 13 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,720 So I was going to the hair salon. 14 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,920 I love the girl who was doing my hair, but it is not as vivid as 15 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,200 I wanted. So she really helped with like 16 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,320 bringing it all back, getting everything balanced, making my 17 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:13,400 hair healthy again. And now we are bright, shiny, 18 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,160 back to red. Yeah, it looks really good. 19 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,800 I didn't like when you did the dark in there that much after a 20 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,400 while. Like I felt like it really 21 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:24,640 needed to be just red. Like at first stuff was super 22 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,880 cute, but like only at first 'cause like after it grew out a 23 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,760 little bit I was like, I liked it all red. 24 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,000 I like it all red and and I was struggling to be able to get it 25 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,120 back. Like just I've got it just like 26 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:41,640 when it's going good, I gotta be like, it's OK to have like some 27 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:46,320 repetition on things and not always have to switch things up, 28 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:50,920 which has been like, I don't know, a key focus in my life. 29 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,600 So like, if you guys aren't on my Patreon, I've decided that 30 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,480 I'm pausing coven indefinitely at this point. 31 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,080 I don't know if I'll ever come back to the coven of rejects 32 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:05,360 podcast. And I am taking a break, if not 33 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:10,479 indefinitely, from posting tik Toks and really posting social 34 00:02:10,479 --> 00:02:13,160 media other than sharing what I'm doing for educational 35 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:15,600 things. I think it's been really fucking 36 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:19,920 exhausting. And I feel like I've been 37 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,760 putting a lot of energy into places where I want something to 38 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:27,600 flourish instead of nurturing the areas that are already 39 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,400 flourishing. It feels really exhausting. 40 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:34,320 And I have, you know, Covenant of Rejects was cool when I 41 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,640 started it. It was a huge outlet and passion 42 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,520 project for me. But at this point, like I'm not 43 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,160 running for my life anymore and I don't have to pour into all of 44 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,240 these other things to avoid my world. 45 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:49,120 And if it's not seamlessly fitting into my life and giving 46 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,040 me peace, I don't fucking want it anymore. 47 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,320 Like I'm I'm done feeling like I'm living inside of trauma 48 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:57,240 responses. And I think a lot of people 49 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,440 don't realize like how much it takes a toll on your mental 50 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,080 health when you're putting out content constantly. 51 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,760 Because I remember a few years ago when my Tik Toks were doing 52 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,240 really good and I was going live all the time. 53 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:15,640 I was literally going live like 10 hours or more a week on top 54 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:19,360 of like posting all the time and channeling messages all the 55 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,080 time. And like, luckily at that 56 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,040 moment, there wasn't a lot of tarot readers or a lot of 57 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,760 messages flying around yet. And so I was getting money and I 58 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,600 was getting paid and it wasn't a big deal. 59 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:33,480 Like I think the most I made from TikTok was like $400.00 or 60 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,080 something at once. Like I had a $400.00 cash out, 61 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:40,400 which was huge. But like the dynamic of how it 62 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:44,600 affected my mental health made me take that step back. 63 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:48,160 And while I took that step back, you really went like 10 toes 64 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,320 down on it. But I think that like once you 65 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:55,280 hit your 150K or like once you got where you wanted to be, it's 66 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,120 kind of like, oh, I did it, I'm good now. 67 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,640 I got it, already did it. I think 1. 68 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:04,720 I wanted to prove something to myself because it never was 69 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,440 about proving anything to anybody else. 70 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:10,600 I wanted to prove something to myself, but also too, I was 71 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,360 getting a lot of validation from like outside sources. 72 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:18,519 And I just feel like I had such a lack in my home life of 73 00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:22,440 certain things that I was seeking it elsewhere. 74 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:25,800 And I don't have that anymore. And I don't have that. 75 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,400 Like I feel super comfortable and confident within myself and 76 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:33,720 these other things. And, and I just, I haven't 77 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:37,480 enjoyed doing TikTok content in a hot 2nd, which is why it's 78 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,200 bounced back and forth from like witchy educational things to 79 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:45,000 snarky things to sexy things, to food things. 80 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:50,320 And you know, I started using TikTok and doing food videos and 81 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:54,560 stuff as a way to keep a connection and like share what I 82 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,920 had going on in life. And at this point, I'm like, if 83 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:01,000 it's outside of like it like a lollipop podcast, you don't even 84 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,200 know shit about me. Like if it's outside of that, 85 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:08,000 we, I share here the things that I'm comfortable sharing about my 86 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,600 life and the messages that I have. 87 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,760 And if it doesn't fit into the podcast, it's not meant to be 88 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,040 heard by people right now. And I'm OK with that. 89 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,640 And also, that's what I'm really feeling like with the dynamic of 90 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,960 me taking all of my services down. 91 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:27,560 Like I just tonight did the last one hour live session that will 92 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,400 ever exist 'cause when I do come back and do live readings, they 93 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,280 will be a lot shorter and a lot more condensed. 94 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,880 Because like you said in the beginning, like it wasn't really 95 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,240 that I was proving myself to others because I knew I could 96 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,680 talk to dead people. It was more of like trying to 97 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,240 prove to myself that I could generate an income, that I could 98 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:53,960 make this a business, that I could really attract clients or 99 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:58,040 whatever it may be. But then once you have something 100 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,080 happen and it books you out for like 4 months. 101 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,360 So you collected all the money in one month, but you're doing 102 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:09,680 all the labor for the next 3 1/2 months with no like, return. 103 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:15,600 It was so draining and so eye opening to where I had poured so 104 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:20,240 much into others that I was leaving bread crumbs for myself. 105 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:24,920 Like up until the last like six months, I didn't even have time 106 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:29,600 to like do spell work for, for the podcast or for us or like 107 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,640 I'm always doing my protection and stuff like that. 108 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:35,520 But I didn't have like any fun time to sit down and do spell 109 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,160 work for fun, like just to do it. 110 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,640 Like the other day I did a motivation spell so I could get 111 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:44,880 like like human work 9:00 to 5:00 stuff done, which was cool 112 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,720 like in it and I got it done. But like, being able to use 113 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:54,600 magic for fun had diminished and like only using it for others 114 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,600 and trying to help others really took a toll on my mental health 115 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:03,400 because I do feel like women especially are taught to 116 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:08,280 constantly pour, constantly give and constantly put others before 117 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,440 you. And so I almost was like 118 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:15,840 breaking like a pattern or a like a wound by taking this step 119 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,840 back. And what's so diabolical about 120 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,800 it is like in the two weeks I've stepped back, I've picked up 121 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:27,280 four more monthly clients that are like high profile clients. 122 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,600 And that's amazing because they're like, bitch, I got it. 123 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,840 Like whatever it costs you don't it don't even matter. 124 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,760 Like tell me what you need. You know what I mean? 125 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,840 So that's been crazy because I'm not really stepping back. 126 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,560 I'm stepping out of the public. I'm stepping out of being 127 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,720 accessible. That's where I'm at. 128 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:49,520 I'm not stepping back from doing the things that I love doing or 129 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,320 doing the readings or the mentorship or anything like you 130 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,320 know, we have going on on Patreon and stuff. 131 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:58,320 But it's, I don't feel the need to be in the public eye in order 132 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,600 to do those things anymore. I don't, I don't feel the need 133 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,480 that I need to keep on generating in new clients or, or 134 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,040 new people. Like, you know, we've done a 135 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,800 really good job of building up our Patreons and, and you know, 136 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:15,440 I have people who are doing mentorship with me who are 137 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,120 taking classes and stuff I want to pour into that. 138 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:23,880 But also too, like I got lost on the taking care of myself 139 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,680 pieces. And there were things I wanted 140 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,520 to do for my, I really wanted to take that astrology class and be 141 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,400 able to pour into that astrology class. 142 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,520 And, you know, because of things going on in my personal life 143 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:38,400 and, and different things, that was a struggle for me, but 144 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:45,720 really I didn't have the energy left to figure out how to make 145 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:49,440 that class sustainable for myself because I was so busy 146 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:53,360 with these other things. And I also, you know, I have a 147 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,600 Reiki mentor here and I've really been like wanting and 148 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,440 working on getting Reiki certified. 149 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:03,120 And there's just certain different things that like maybe 150 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,120 in the interim of things I have to step away from things. 151 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,600 But in the long run, those are the things that are going to 152 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:12,040 benefit me as a person and eventually bring in different 153 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,920 clientele if I choose to do something like that. 154 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:20,000 But I like, I just want to focus so much on being able to build 155 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,240 what we already have going and pour into all of these areas 156 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:29,480 instead of always feeling like, you know, it's a lot of pressure 157 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:32,120 on us when we're always putting ourselves on social media or 158 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:36,440 putting ourselves online. And I, I think that like, I was 159 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:40,320 comparing and feeling like I would give up because of, you 160 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,200 know, things that Bunny said, like, oh, the podcast wasn't 161 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,680 where I wanted the podcast to be. 162 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:47,320 Had I given up, I wouldn't be where I am right now. 163 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,320 And so I would tell myself things like, you know, you have 164 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,880 to keep doing these things, keep doing those things, but you 165 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:56,800 know, that doesn't mean that because that worked for somebody 166 00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:01,800 else and consistently doing something is going to give me 167 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,400 the same kind of outcome that it does for somebody else. 168 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,960 We can't judge the journey that we're having and think that 169 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,840 because something worked for somebody else and somebody 170 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,960 else's consistency worked for them, but that's exactly what's 171 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,040 going to pay off for us. I think I have such a different 172 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,520 road and so many different things that I haven't even like 173 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:24,200 fucking tapped into that this is going to free off all that up. 174 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,840 And that's exactly like the downloads that I was getting is 175 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:33,840 like the main focus with the spiritual journey is to become 176 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,840 the best version of yourself. And if that version of yourself 177 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,800 is helping others and doing these things, that's wonderful. 178 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:47,120 But spirit had emphasized to me that I need to move into 179 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,240 receiving because all's I've been doing is giving, All's I've 180 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:55,520 been doing is giving. And sharing and aligning and 181 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,360 making people feel safe and comfortable. 182 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,120 But it's like, who makes me feel safe and comfortable, right? 183 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,560 Like myself? And if I'm not in tune with 184 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:06,680 myself and my needs, then once again, I'm falling into a people 185 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:11,000 pleasing cycle or some type of, you know, limiting cycle that 186 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:16,240 has me sharing constantly and not saving any for me. 187 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:21,240 And I feel like it's like almost like in a past life or in some 188 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:27,080 timeline, I like took and now I feel like I have to give. 189 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,160 And like they keep emphasizing like your karmic debt is paid, 190 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:34,800 like paid in full, paid over again, paid up for the next 6 191 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,520 lives. Like you're good, you've got it, 192 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,000 you've, you've done it. And you know, it is something 193 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,480 people realize. Like when you sit down on video 194 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:46,320 chat with someone like strangers constantly, like 5-6, eight 195 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:50,640 times a week for an hour session, there is so much that 196 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,760 goes into that because they are opening their soul and they're 197 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,680 being vulnerable and they're sharing vulnerable moments and 198 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,480 crying or, you know, having closure or whatever. 199 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:06,400 And it's just so heavy. It's so heavy, like versus like 200 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,840 a monthly client on Patreon that I've built a relationship with. 201 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,640 Our spirit guides are comfortable. 202 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,560 You know, it's still breakthrough, it's still a good 203 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:19,120 moment, but it's not as heavy on me to try to get their walls 204 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:22,360 down and like get in there and feel safe and comfortable and 205 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,880 whatever. So I just feel like, you know, 206 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,840 I'm shifting the way that I'm going to offer things. 207 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,840 I've closed every spot on Patreon except the basic tier, 208 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,280 which would include like the Moon Circle and the podcast 209 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,920 content. But I just feel like whenever we 210 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:40,960 created some of those tiers a few years ago, I just wanted 211 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,800 people to see that my spells worked. 212 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,720 Like I was like giving them away. 213 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,520 Like I wasn't accounting for materials. 214 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:50,080 I wasn't accounting for that. It takes 3 or 4 hours or more. 215 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,280 Like I wasn't accounting for any of that. 216 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:56,600 So now I look at it and I'm like, wow, like you are people 217 00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:01,160 pleasing continuously and then extending it to a monthly 218 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,280 membership or whatever. But I mean, like for the people 219 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,240 who've been on there for the last four years, I'm not going 220 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,440 to raise their price. I'm just going to limit the 221 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,640 spots, you know what I mean? Like I want them to feel 222 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,520 accessible for the price that they felt comfortable paying, 223 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:18,200 but I'm not letting anyone new in at that price. 224 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:25,600 I get that, but for me, like I would love to take on more 225 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:31,320 reading clients. My, my favorite service is the 226 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,440 new client consults. Like I love when new people come 227 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:38,680 in and you know, I get like 30 minutes to talk with them, pull 228 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:41,880 some cards for them. And a lot of times the new 229 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,760 clients for me are people who are like new on their spiritual 230 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,560 journey or just new to finding me. 231 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:53,560 And I love being able to be like, OK, so these are ways that 232 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,080 I can help or these are resources that you can have and 233 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,480 just like directing people in different ways. 234 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:04,360 The biggest thing for me, I'm so excited and I hope this doesn't 235 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:09,120 sound awful, but like the thing that was draining for me was the 236 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,320 Covenant of Rejects podcast and talking with somebody different 237 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,320 every week about their spiritual journey. 238 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:19,360 And like that a lot of people go through a lot of trauma to like 239 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,840 find their spiritual path. And I and I love holding space 240 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,040 for those people. But like, the difference in a 241 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,600 spiritual reading is some there's an energy exchange 242 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,760 there, somebody's paying for that service and then they're 243 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,560 getting my time. And I felt like with that 244 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:40,720 podcast, it ended up feeling like I was holding space and 245 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,400 amplifying voices while I just kept feeling like mine was 246 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,440 getting squashed. And it just started really 247 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,920 feeling like it wasn't even appreciated anymore. 248 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,480 Like I felt so appreciated and had so much purpose with it at 249 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,040 first. And then I just started feeling 250 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:01,160 like I didn't feel as appreciated by guests anymore 251 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:05,320 And I didn't feel like, Oh yeah, I'm so excited to talk to them 252 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,280 and, and like really get something out of this it and 253 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:12,960 like learn something for myself. It just started feeling like I 254 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,720 would just feel really drained after I did the interviews. 255 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:21,400 And I never want to put an episode out of any podcast and 256 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:25,560 have something energetically attached to me or my brand or us 257 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:30,200 that I don't 1000% believe in. And I just stopped being 258 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,120 inspired by it. And if your passion project 259 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,560 feels like work and you don't feel inspired anymore, you need 260 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,080 to like, take a break and recalibrate. 261 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:44,760 But I also felt like I got used the most for trying to build 262 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,680 that podcast. And when I look at like, you 263 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:52,240 know, the business manager that I tried to hire for that podcast 264 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:56,120 and that that situation was the breaking point for me where I 265 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:59,960 was like, OK, I, I don't enjoy the way that I'm doing it. 266 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,800 Anytime that I try to bring somebody on to help me shift 267 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:07,280 gears because I'm not able to see how for myself, I get fucked 268 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,560 over. So I'm just going to take a 269 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,920 pause from it. And, and I really fucking 270 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,800 meditated on it and did a lot of like, like deep work. 271 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,320 And I'm like, it doesn't need to be a pause like this. 272 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,520 I'm trying to push a fucking boulder that doesn't move. 273 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:29,360 Like that's what it feels like. Thought about like you just 274 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,360 getting on there and teaching and talking and like sharing 275 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:38,240 whatever you want to talk about. I don't, I don't think, I, I 276 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,000 think I want to do that on my Patreon. 277 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,320 I think I want to focus that on my Patreon. 278 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,800 And that's what I started Patreon for. 279 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:50,160 I started Patreon to share me, my voice, my teachings of 280 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,040 things. I have years of, you know, 281 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,480 spirituality, educational things, witchcraft educational 282 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,920 things. I have my classes and then I 283 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:05,400 have this podcast and like, does my voice need 42 different 284 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:09,240 things to amplify it? No, like my voice is going to be 285 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,520 louder if I'm not straining to scream it in all of these 286 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:16,280 different avenues and fucking crying at the end of the day 287 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,359 because how come I'm screaming and nobody hears me? 288 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:23,720 Like I, I get so much fulfillment and feedback from 289 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,880 Lollipop and, you know, people listening to it. 290 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:30,600 And there's something about you and me going back and forth on 291 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:36,120 things that is so different than me just speaking to random 292 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,560 people or me just speaking to myself. 293 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,840 And this is where I really want to pour things into like the the 294 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:50,200 wide variety of ways to share my voice, our voice, our thoughts 295 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,640 on things and and viewpoints. It it just means so much more to 296 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,680 me. I also like agree, I don't think 297 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:00,440 a lot of people understand what goes into a podcast because now 298 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,000 they're so mass produced and there's so many of them. 299 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,760 But you know what podcasts were first coming out like there was 300 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,880 a handful and now there's hundreds of podcasts being 301 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:15,920 created every single day. And people think like, oh, you 302 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,280 know, you get 10,000 listeners, you're going to make money. 303 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,560 No, you're not. Actually you're not. 304 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,320 You know what I mean? Like the way they have it set up 305 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:28,320 for creators, whether it's music or podcasts or whatever, they 306 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,400 keep all the money. They keep all the money and they 307 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:36,320 give you a very small piece. And I feel like so many people 308 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:41,360 start things without fully understanding the depth of it. 309 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:45,640 But I feel like Covenant rejects for you really gave you a lot of 310 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:50,000 confidence and like a lot of like, you know, amplification of 311 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,400 your voice in the beginning because there was no one on 312 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,040 Patreon, it didn't exist or there was no TikTok, you know 313 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,200 what I mean? So like, it was an outlet that 314 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:02,600 you utilized to build strength and to build confidence. 315 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:06,160 And I really do think that's what led us to creating a 316 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,760 podcast, you know what I mean? And then while we started this 317 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,440 one, there's been like 12 other people who wanted to start 318 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:16,800 another podcast with you. So I mean, people clearly value, 319 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,640 you know, your expertise and your voice. 320 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:23,200 But I also agree, like when something stops being fun, stop 321 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:28,240 fucking doing it because so many of us continue, you know, like 322 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,160 whether it's like a relationship or a friendship or something, 323 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:35,880 like so many people wait until it's a dumpster fire to call it 324 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,760 quits. Sometimes it's just like, this 325 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:41,240 is not aligned with me anymore and you need to just like branch 326 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:43,560 free from that. But I feel like we hold 327 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,240 ourselves hostage, like you said earlier with those thoughts of 328 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,960 like, well, if I give up now, I won't get anywhere if I don't do 329 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,080 this. But I think at the end of the 330 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:56,240 day, there's a difference between like being motivated and 331 00:19:56,240 --> 00:20:00,080 pushing yourself because of limiting beliefs. 332 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:05,560 I agree and I think I think that Coven of rejects, like that's 333 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:10,200 still my brand, but I would love to do something that's like I 334 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:14,800 would love to actually do clothing line with Coven of 335 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,760 rejects. Not like some merch that goes 336 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:21,840 with the podcast, but like truly putting work on art and, and 337 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:25,280 different things and having Coven of Rejects just be so many 338 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:29,800 different things other than, and like my readings and stuff like 339 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,240 that, other than being the podcast. 340 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,920 And like the covenant of rejects will always be a thing 341 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:39,200 associated with my brand. But and the the podcast will 342 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,280 always exist for the art that it's been. 343 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:46,560 But also it's full of like trauma stuff for me. 344 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:50,480 Like it for me, it, there's a lot of pieces of it that 345 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:56,480 represent me believing that I was living a life that I wasn't 346 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:00,480 living and trying to live a life that I wasn't living and 347 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:05,000 projecting something that I felt to be true that wasn't true, if 348 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:10,760 that makes sense. Like there are so many pieces of 349 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:14,360 myself that I feel like have been lost for a really long time 350 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,720 and that I've allowed to be stifled down. 351 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,600 And Coven was the only place for a minute where I felt any type 352 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,880 of power or I felt seen in any capacity. 353 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:30,480 And I don't want to be held to that version of myself anymore. 354 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,760 And I want to be able to do new things. 355 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:38,600 And with Lollipop, I feel like we get the option to evolve and 356 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:42,600 we talk about our lives and, and, and we share who who we are 357 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,280 and what our thoughts and opinions are outside of 358 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:48,280 spirituality too, and Covenant of Rejects. 359 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:52,520 I'm, I was very limited to listening to just what other 360 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,480 people's stories were. And at first that was awesome 361 00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:00,240 because I was so scared to have my own voice heard that being 362 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,240 able to amplify everybody's else's voice was incredible. 363 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,320 And now I'm like, Nah, bitch, I got shit to say. 364 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:10,960 And like, you know, like I, I don't want to be tied down to 365 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,080 just having to be trauma dumped on all the time and think that 366 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,080 that's my way to success is by being silent. 367 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:22,560 Yeah, and I think a lot of people don't even know that, not 368 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:25,360 just on Coven, but people don't know their trauma dumping. 369 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,560 Like so many people are so used to giving a voice to their pain 370 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:33,200 24/7 that they don't even see that as trauma dumping. 371 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,840 But what I think really started to come up for me as I started 372 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:41,080 to evolve was like the people that I used to connect with 373 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:45,160 started seeing me as like competition or they started 374 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:50,720 seeing me as I think I'm better than them or I think these 375 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,920 things that I didn't really think at all. 376 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:59,040 But what I really feel like the evolution with our brand, so 377 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:03,560 many people try to come in and like segregate us or like blind 378 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:07,800 side us or break it up. And I really feel like when the 379 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,440 devil is working overtime to stop you from saying something, 380 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,440 doing something, sharing something, that that's what 381 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,080 you're meant to do, like that's what you're meant to focus on. 382 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:21,640 And I really feel like the people that you were attracting 383 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,680 like these, you know, the people that you were interviewing, the 384 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,480 people that came on, whatever it may be, that was a 385 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,600 representation of your energy then. 386 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:34,080 And now as you're uncovering those layers and you're peeling 387 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,520 back the onion and you're like getting to the core of the 388 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:41,200 issues setting in that trauma or setting in that dumpster fire 389 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:44,600 doesn't seem fun anymore. Like doesn't seem exciting. 390 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,120 Just like going to the bar or going different places that I 391 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:53,760 used to go literally repulses me now because I see someone who 392 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:57,760 drinks and does drugs as someone who is crying for help, not 393 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,240 someone having fun and celebrating like I see someone 394 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,960 who's in pain. And it's hard for me to like, 395 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:07,080 look that in the eyes and like watch it happen. 396 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,640 So I had to completely, you know, remove myself. 397 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:14,400 And I really like keep getting this message right now that, you 398 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,800 know, everyone thinks the war, like the war is physical, but 399 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,800 the war is fucking spiritual. You all. 400 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,160 Like, it is not a physical war. It is a spiritual war. 401 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,720 And so many people don't realize that when they're in those 402 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,680 limiting vibrations, they're in that trauma, they're in that 403 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,400 fear. You are amplifying it. 404 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:36,280 So giving a voice and a platform to it keeps it right, keeps it 405 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:41,320 growing, keeps it, you know, somewhere out there in the 406 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,880 ether. And I feel like the biggest part 407 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:48,560 of my journey was like starving my fears or like starving my 408 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,160 trauma, like no longer entertaining it. 409 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,880 And, you know, we all have slip UPS. 410 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,360 You know, I've had some people reach out about the past episode 411 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,800 and they're like, I see you as someone who is so strong. 412 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,080 So to know that you've taken setbacks or you know, you had a 413 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:08,880 set back or you had reached down to help someone and and got 414 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,640 screwed over, They're like, I hate that happened to you. 415 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:15,680 But it makes me feel not as bad about when I take a set back or 416 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,560 when I do something that's against my character. 417 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,360 And I just feel like, you know, we're all fucking human. 418 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,040 Like everyone is human and everyone's dealing with their 419 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,720 own stuff. But choosing what we give 420 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,040 attention to is the most important thing. 421 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,160 So I feel like, you know, the universe is proud of you for 422 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,920 breaking free of that. Like, if that was a trauma 423 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:39,840 circle and a little powwow that, you know, helped you, then it's 424 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,680 not going to resonate with you now, and it's not going to be 425 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,960 the vibration that you're on. So setting with those people and 426 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,480 setting in that energy is traumatizing. 427 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,120 Well, and that goes in with, you know, we're always talking about 428 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:56,440 not operating out of like fear based mentalities and and 429 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,040 different things. And I think that's kind of where 430 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:03,680 I had been operating in from a while was like the fear of what 431 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,800 happens if I don't do this? What do I do with my time or my 432 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:11,880 energy if I'm not doing this and, and not having to be scared 433 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:17,320 of like, what are, what am I going to do if this isn't the 434 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,440 way that I'm doing my art or if this isn't the art that I'm 435 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,960 doing or if I'm not doing this with my time, being scared of 436 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,640 like, what will I do with my time? 437 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,640 Or, you know, covenant of rejects was an income generator 438 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:32,680 for me. Like it might not be because I 439 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,440 was getting paid specifically from the podcast, because I'll 440 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,640 fucking tell you guys that when it comes to sponsorships on your 441 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:43,520 podcast, like if you make $3 from your ads for your 10,000 442 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,920 listeners, that $3 is fucking baller it. 443 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,800 The income comes in from the different things that you're 444 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,600 doing. Like our income comes in from 445 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,400 you guys listening and being like, oh, I want to get readings 446 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:56,080 with them. I want to join Patreon. 447 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:57,480 I want to do these different things. 448 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,800 It doesn't come from you simply listening from the podcast. 449 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:05,400 It comes from you supporting us outside of the podcast and 450 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,080 finding us this way. But I was getting a lot of 451 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,800 people finding me from that podcast and it was a big income 452 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,640 generator for me. But at the same time it's like, 453 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,040 OK, cool. So you know, if I'm if I'm 454 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:22,080 removing myself from the the fear based mentality, it's going 455 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,000 OK, I'm not growing from this and learning from this anymore. 456 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,960 I don't connect with this energy and any money or people that are 457 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:33,440 coming in from this Ave. are so negotiated with that energy and 458 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,000 then I'm just in the same fucking cycle. 459 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,920 If they're meant to come in and be clients of mine or be in our 460 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:44,080 community spaces in any capacity, that's going to happen 461 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,120 without me having to be pouring energy into something that's 462 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:50,880 sucking energy from me. Like I, I, it shouldn't need to 463 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:56,720 be a fucking vampire situation that financially benefits. 464 00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:02,120 And I think that there's a real energetic tie to abundance in 465 00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:05,080 the forms of which you're getting that abundance and what 466 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:08,680 you're doing for that money. Like there really is an energy 467 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:13,120 tie in your fucking cash and how you're obtaining it, who's 468 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:16,600 giving it to you. And, and I feel like if I'm 469 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:20,560 wanting to change the way that finances are in my life or the 470 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,400 way that just abundances in general, whether that be 471 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:28,720 abundance in love or, you know, family, whatever, I have to be 472 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:32,480 switching up the way that I'm receiving it and what I'm 473 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,360 putting out to obtain it. Yeah. 474 00:28:35,360 --> 00:28:39,680 And I don't think a lot of people realize, like the ethics 475 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:43,120 that goes into certain things. Like there are readers that will 476 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:46,920 just take your money all day and give you some bullshit reading 477 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,080 and then want you to come back. And then there's people who are 478 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:52,600 going to give you quality information and send you on your 479 00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:55,560 way and hope that you fly. You know, I just feel like 480 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:59,400 there's so many different types of spiritual practitioners and 481 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,280 there's so many different levels for each journey, like for 482 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:05,400 everyone's journey. And sometimes there's going to 483 00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:09,200 be people that want to give you their money that are not 484 00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:11,400 aligned. And I feel like that's where I'm 485 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:14,920 at with like taking a step back from offering services to the 486 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:18,000 public and going to like a wait list system. 487 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:21,600 It was like super imposter syndrome because I also felt the 488 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:23,360 same of like, well, what am I going to do? 489 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:24,840 Like what? What do you mean? 490 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,160 I mean like, how am I going to have a business if I don't have 491 00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:31,600 services, you know? So it's been like breaking free 492 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,160 of the paradigm. And now that it's been like 2 493 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:38,920 full weeks and I just did my last video scheduled reading, I 494 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:43,280 feel so free because I feel like if I want to take a nap or I 495 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:45,960 want to go to the gym or I want to do something like I'm not 496 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:51,520 tied down to some specific situation or specific energy. 497 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:54,920 And then now so many people are coming in and want to become 498 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:59,560 like monthly spell work clients. And that's like super big 499 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:02,400 because I really enjoy the spell work because it comes with the 500 00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:05,760 reading. But I can do it and vibe and 501 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,960 listen to music and like hit a load of laundry too. 502 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:10,960 Like, you know what I mean? It's not like I'm just sitting 503 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:15,080 on video chat with you this whole hour and, you know, spoon 504 00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,880 feeding you. I love readings and I love to 505 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:20,720 doing the new client called consults too, because my 506 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,480 favorite part about this journey is like watching the lights come 507 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:25,400 on for someone who's been in the darkness. 508 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:31,040 Like I love that I live for that, but I also see where the 509 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:35,640 givers got to have limits and I was being compensated and having 510 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:39,960 like such a good response to my services. 511 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:46,040 I just feel like I need to be in a more freedom space where it's 512 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:48,520 not. These are the days I'm reading. 513 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,520 They're booked every time I've got to sit here, you know, for 514 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,760 five hours in the evening. I just feel like I'm moving more 515 00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:58,640 towards like pre recorded where it's like all you need to do is 516 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,840 be open to receive. All you need to do is just like 517 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:04,920 chill and relax and your reading will be delivered. 518 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:08,320 Because I also feel like that's going to open up a new Ave. of 519 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:11,760 clients that are like nervous to hop on a video call, that are 520 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,600 nervous to like be face to face with a stranger or like 521 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,080 whatever. So I just find that like the 522 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:23,240 evolution of my journey is like, I really wanted people to need 523 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:26,120 me. But now that I've like taken 524 00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:30,720 care of my small self, my inner child, my ego and all these 525 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:34,480 versions of me, I see where that also was a trauma response. 526 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:37,280 Like you said, like you wanted to give other people a voice 527 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:41,200 because you didn't want to share your own or you know, whatever. 528 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,000 So I don't think so many people can see the hindsight until you 529 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:48,240 actually step away from it. But it's like, you know, just 530 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:52,280 like with an artist, anyone who makes money on their creativity, 531 00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:55,800 whether it's readings, art, music, you are your own worst 532 00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:58,000 critic. You are being hard on yourself 533 00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:00,360 all the time. And there are so many artists 534 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:03,400 that will release just a masterpiece of an album and be 535 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:05,440 like, I don't even fucking like it. 536 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:09,400 Like I I'd delete it if I could because they're being their own 537 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:11,520 worst enemy. And it's like you don't know 538 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:14,320 what you're doing today that will impact someone tomorrow. 539 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,320 I think that too is why different things that we went 540 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:21,160 through, I mean, we've talked about, you know, some things 541 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:23,440 that we went through inside of our community spaces in the 542 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,240 past. And I think that that's why that 543 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:30,200 certain things really hit hit me as deeply as they did. 544 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:36,000 I, I don't really let a lot of things emotionally impact me or 545 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,320 affect me. I, I kind of am pretty good at 546 00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:41,560 being like, OK, that it just is what it is and, and not really 547 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:45,520 emotionally taking things in. But it's like somebody giving 548 00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,680 you negative feedback on your art and something that you 549 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,280 dedicate your life to and you're fucking passionate about. 550 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:55,680 Like if you're a chef and you know, you've been working on on 551 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:58,600 something and you go and you're like feeding people and you're 552 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:02,520 like, I, you know, it was 50% off for you guys. 553 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:04,040 And this is the best that I can do. 554 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:05,640 I do. And I've been training for this 555 00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:08,720 and I'm so excited to pour my heart into this and share this. 556 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:12,560 And someone goes and leaves you a shitty review and like tells 557 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:17,080 you it's amazing and leaves you a shitty review and is like, I 558 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:19,920 would have fucking not even given it to a homeless person on 559 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,920 the street. You know, then it's like that 560 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:28,520 hits your fucking soul and this is our art, you know, sharing 561 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:32,440 our voices and, and our, and our magic and our our certain pieces 562 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:36,480 of ourselves is a fucking art. And we have to do the things 563 00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:39,040 that are important for us to keep doing what we're doing. 564 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:44,760 And also protect new versions of ourselves and and give space for 565 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:49,280 to say this was something that my inner child needed in order 566 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,520 for me to heal or this is something that this version of 567 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:56,040 me needed. This version of me now does not 568 00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,600 need a whole lot of fucking thing. 569 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:02,200 I do not need a TikTok full of people commenting and telling 570 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:05,080 me, oh, you look really pretty today or I love your voice, 571 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,720 you're so inspirational or you know, whatever. 572 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,880 I don't give a fuck about that. Like I am so apartment peace 573 00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:15,159 with where the fuck I am that like I I just don't need those 574 00:34:15,159 --> 00:34:17,400 things. Anymore, do you think that's 575 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,360 because you like crushed your goals on TikTok? 576 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,280 Like do you think you would feel the same if you like plateaued 577 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:25,880 at 40,000 followers and never went past that? 578 00:34:26,159 --> 00:34:29,679 Do you think because you were able to break the paradigm and 579 00:34:29,679 --> 00:34:32,040 like defy what your ex was saying? 580 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:33,320 Like, oh, I didn't think you could do that? 581 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:36,679 Like, do you think that that has given you that breakthrough? 582 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:43,120 I do, but I also think that for a really long time, I was in a 583 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,719 relationship with somebody who was competing with me and who 584 00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:51,600 didn't think that I was intelligent or funny or capable 585 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:54,880 and always told me that they didn't think that I was going to 586 00:34:54,880 --> 00:35:00,440 be able to do XY and Z. And I think that really, I think 587 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:03,920 that when I, I told you we had that conversation where he's 588 00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:07,560 like shocked that you didn't didn't think you would that for 589 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:12,000 me was really like the I fucking did it moment. 590 00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:14,960 That was the moment I was like, I fucking hate you, like I 591 00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:17,880 fucking did it, suck my Dick. I've done it all. 592 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:22,840 But I also think too now like I'm not, I'm not in a 593 00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:24,640 relationship with somebody competing with me. 594 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:28,720 I I'm not needing to seek outside things. 595 00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:33,800 I'm not I, I think that that accomplishment helped a lot, But 596 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:39,240 I, I think that really moving out of a space where I was in 597 00:35:39,240 --> 00:35:44,480 competition all the fucking time and trying to prove that like 598 00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:46,720 I'm smart. See all these people think I'm 599 00:35:46,720 --> 00:35:49,320 smart, I'm capable. All these people think I'm 600 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,400 capable. I can start a business. 601 00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,280 All these people see me start a business. 602 00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:58,880 I start a business for you. I just, I, I was always looking 603 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,760 for the good job. You did it. 604 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:02,560 And then I got the good job, you did it. 605 00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:05,480 And I was like, that tastes like fucking dirt in my mouth. 606 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:09,800 Go fuck yourself. What do you feel like whenever 607 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:14,360 that person was like, we really need to celebrate your 100K 608 00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,040 followers? Like what was that about? 609 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,880 I remember you said that he was like, we really need to do 610 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:21,840 something special for your your 100K. 611 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:25,280 And then you went from 100K to like 150K and you never brought 612 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:26,960 it up again. So I was just like. 613 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:31,240 Oh, I, I didn't do anything. I think that I tried to plan 614 00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:34,960 something and he was like your mom, what are you doing? 615 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:42,560 And you know, that is, is what it was it, there was a 616 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:44,840 recognition of like, oh, you hit 100K. 617 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:47,120 Cool. I'm going to go back to doing 618 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:49,400 whatever, like doing whatever I'm doing. 619 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:53,520 And, and it is what it is. Like, I can't even express to 620 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:57,520 you somebody, somebody messaged and I sent it to you. 621 00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:00,280 And I, I don't remember the, the full message, but it basically 622 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:03,520 was like, when did you know that you were unhappy and that it 623 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,600 wasn't just like day-to-day things that you just knew you 624 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:08,640 were unhappy. And I'm like, I knew every day 625 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,400 of my fucking life for a long time. 626 00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:17,360 And I just kept on listening to all of the ways that it was my 627 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:21,600 fault for XYZ. And I made that my motivator to 628 00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:27,560 be successful and I made that my like driving force to prove 629 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:30,960 something to myself. And once I proved it to myself, 630 00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:34,440 I was able to be like, okay, but there's no longer a way to say 631 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,800 that I'm the issue. I'm accomplishing all of these 632 00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:41,640 things, all of these, all of these 150,000 people that don't 633 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,320 know me in real life see all of these things when I'm sharing 634 00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,360 everything. And if one person can't see 635 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:52,760 that, then whatever. I there, there was never 636 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:55,360 anything to celebrate my accomplishments on things. 637 00:37:55,360 --> 00:38:03,040 There was, yeah, there was. It was like, you know, OK, cool, 638 00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:06,080 you did that, but you could have done this. 639 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:08,720 You did that, but what are you going to do next? 640 00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:12,320 You did that, but you know, it could have been better. 641 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:14,480 I mean, what you did was cool, but it could have been better. 642 00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:19,000 And I've had to understand that that's just how some people are. 643 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:22,760 And some people think that like God, it's just tough love and 644 00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:26,160 criticism so that you do better. If you have to diminish somebody 645 00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:29,360 and what they're doing in order to think that you're making them 646 00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:33,720 more powerful. You are not a fucking leader. 647 00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:39,560 You are not a supporter, and you certainly shouldn't be a partner 648 00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,920 for somebody. You should really be. 649 00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:45,920 And maybe it's just being paired with me. 650 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,920 Maybe they would do better out in the other world. 651 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,640 And that's a thing too, is people can be really fucking 652 00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:53,880 awful with each other and really great for other people and heal 653 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:57,760 their own things. But I I never want to feel that 654 00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:01,640 way ever again in my whole life. I saw something that talks about 655 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:07,640 that very powerful women have a matrix handler as a partner at 656 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:11,000 some point. And the whole dynamic of this 657 00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:15,240 person is to keep you small, to make sure that you remember your 658 00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:18,720 place, that you ain't shit, that you're nobody, that whatever. 659 00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:23,840 And it really brought to light a lot of revelations of like men 660 00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:27,800 that I dated in the past that encouraged me to do bad things 661 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,280 or put me in the position to lose. 662 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,600 You know what I mean? Never building me up, never 663 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,680 making me feel safe, never making me feel seen, but like 664 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:40,200 making me feel like I have to do all the all the work or I have 665 00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,400 to overcompensate for their lack of emotional depth or 666 00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:46,360 vulnerability or that I need to do more. 667 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:50,080 And you know, then you get to a point where those same people 668 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:52,760 are like, oh, you're too good for me, like we talked about on 669 00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,800 the last episode. So it's just like this matrix 670 00:39:55,800 --> 00:40:00,200 handler term really resonated with me because the only time 671 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:03,720 that I have truly played small is when I'm in a relationship 672 00:40:03,720 --> 00:40:05,080 with someone who doesn't serve me. 673 00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:08,520 Like that is the Max. Like when I'm alone and I'm in 674 00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:12,640 my power and I'm not blindly giving it away, I am fucking 675 00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:15,520 thriving. Even if I'm just, you know, at 676 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,400 home doing laundry or whatever, I am thriving. 677 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:22,040 But the moment you throw someone's dusty, crusty energy 678 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:25,520 into my life, next thing you know, I wake up in a bad mood. 679 00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:29,720 By 9:30, they've pissed me off. By 10:00 at night, I'm pissed 680 00:40:29,720 --> 00:40:30,560 off. You know what I mean? 681 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,920 Just like constant. And I just feel like that Matrix 682 00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:38,560 handler makes sense of like powerful women needing someone 683 00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:42,200 to diminish them to keep them small so they don't break free 684 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:45,120 of the matrix. I agree with that. 685 00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:50,560 I also have been really thinking about the term that we use of 686 00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:53,920 partner and like you're in a partnership or you have a 687 00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:58,440 partner and when you look at things and you go, okay, what 688 00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:00,240 are the things that I need a partner in? 689 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:03,840 I need a partner in parenting. I need a partner in house 690 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:07,320 chores. I need a partner in of fucking 691 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:10,320 chaos, right? Like I I need a partner in 692 00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:15,080 problem solving, ABC and D And then you look at the person that 693 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:16,920 you're with. Is that your partner in 694 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:21,280 parenting? Meaning are they putting in when 695 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:23,600 you can't? You have something right now. 696 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:25,920 I'm here doing the podcast, right? 697 00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:29,080 Is my partner hanging out with my kid in the other room, 698 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:33,080 keeping him company, being the other parent that's happening 699 00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:36,720 right now? Because, you know, like, if I 700 00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:39,720 have a financial crisis right this moment and I can't handle 701 00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:44,040 something, is my partner, my person stepping in and being 702 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:45,800 like this not all just on your shoulders. 703 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,680 I got this without making you feel stupid for or, you know, 704 00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:52,080 whatever for for not having finance. 705 00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:56,200 OK, You know, I, I need a partner for, for fucking 706 00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:58,480 housework. If I'm sick right now, it are 707 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,360 the dishes going to go undone for four days because I'm sick 708 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:04,160 and I can't do them. What what are things in your 709 00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:06,240 partnership? And I think that that goes back 710 00:42:06,240 --> 00:42:09,520 to the question that the girl asked of how do you know that 711 00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:11,720 you're unhappy and that you're needing something different? 712 00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:14,200 You look at what the word partner means. 713 00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:17,600 You look at what your requirements and your hopes for 714 00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:20,280 a partner are and what you want that to mean. 715 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,840 And then you assess, is that being met or not? 716 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:25,720 Is that ever going to change or is it going to stay the fucking 717 00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:27,720 same and you're going to wish want fucking hope. 718 00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:32,160 Also, if you are comparing your relationships, other people's 719 00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:36,040 relationships and going, oh, fuck, I just I love, you know, 720 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:38,920 they look so happy. I wish I was happy, you know, 721 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,440 like, Oh my gosh, you know, they hold hands out in public. 722 00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:43,000 I wish I was holding hands out in public. 723 00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:45,000 Like that's not your person, bitch. 724 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:48,760 You are You are being codependent on in something you 725 00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:52,160 shouldn't be in. Yeah, unfortunately I feel like 726 00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:56,400 the Matrix traps us with those handlers based on children and 727 00:42:56,400 --> 00:42:59,840 finances. It does. 9% of people are 728 00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:03,880 trapped in their circumstances and that's what makes that like 729 00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:07,080 Matrix Handler make so much sense to me. 730 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:11,320 The moment someone realized they couldn't handle me like I didn't 731 00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:14,800 need them, I had what I needed. Then they did anything they 732 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:19,880 could to sabotage my security or sabotage my life or make me feel 733 00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:25,080 unsafe in my home or make me feel unworthy of what I'm asking 734 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:29,160 or or whatever. So I really feel like what our 735 00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:34,440 podcast has done for me and you, it also amplifies that for other 736 00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:37,560 people. Like so many people have said, 737 00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:40,520 like I feel like I'm just sitting down with my besties and 738 00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:42,040 like, we're just having a moment. 739 00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:45,560 And I think that's what's so important about our podcast is 740 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:49,560 like, this is a living, breathing entity and it has 741 00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,760 become something that is way bigger than just us. 742 00:43:53,240 --> 00:43:56,600 And I think that it's really valid and important to realize 743 00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,920 when you've outgrown spaces and when they're no longer aligned 744 00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:04,080 with you, rather than continuing to like be 10 toes down on 745 00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:05,800 something that's not in alignment. 746 00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:11,600 So I feel like what this podcast has done for me is just allowed 747 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:17,040 me to be all versions of myself and to give them their proper 748 00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:21,160 like exhibit in the past. You know, like there's a lot of 749 00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:24,040 people going through and listening to our podcast from 750 00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:27,960 the beginning right now. And it's so wild because people 751 00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:30,360 will reach out and they're like, you were talking about 752 00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:34,640 Presidents Day and it's fucking Presidents Day today or you were 753 00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:36,760 talking about this and this just happened. 754 00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:41,080 And so I really want everyone to realize that you don't know what 755 00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:44,920 your day today is going to be like, but one thing that you can 756 00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:47,640 do is be sure of how you're going to show up in the world. 757 00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:51,720 Like I am no longer allowing people to put me in a box or 758 00:44:51,720 --> 00:44:55,520 keep me small or tell me how I should or should not do things. 759 00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:58,760 And I feel like that's what this podcast has done for me is to 760 00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:02,440 give a voice to all those versions of me who needed 761 00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:05,280 someone, who wanted someone who, whatever. 762 00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:08,320 And now this version of me is like, I already have everything 763 00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:10,760 that I need and I don't need any of that now. 764 00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:12,520 And I think that's where you're at. 765 00:45:12,560 --> 00:45:15,800 And it's such a full circle moment for everything. 766 00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:22,000 I, I feel so happy and fulfilled inside of my life and so happy 767 00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:26,720 about these things that we have going with this podcast and, and 768 00:45:26,720 --> 00:45:30,800 just with, you know, our community spaces in general and 769 00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:36,120 what we've built around us. I don't feel the stresses or 770 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:40,680 whatever or feel that I need to prove or show anything to 771 00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:44,160 anybody anymore. And if that is, you know, I 772 00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:47,600 don't have a TikTok anymore and you know, that doesn't bring in 773 00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:50,080 new people, then I don't have a TikTok anymore and it doesn't 774 00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:52,840 bring in new people. And you know, those versions of 775 00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:54,600 things that TikTok will stay there. 776 00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:57,160 Will I post once in a fucking blue moon? 777 00:45:57,160 --> 00:45:59,240 Maybe, but I don't think so. I don't even scroll on there 778 00:45:59,240 --> 00:46:00,840 anymore. I'm not even opening the app, 779 00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:03,080 whereas that used to be my everyday thing. 780 00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:05,120 I would open the app. I would, you know, look at the 781 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:07,080 algorithm. I would post three to four times 782 00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:08,680 a day. I would interact with people. 783 00:46:08,920 --> 00:46:14,120 I don't give a fuck anymore. And I'll tell you what, not one 784 00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:17,680 of those fucking people has reached out to me while I've 785 00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:20,200 been going through everything that I went through and I was 786 00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:22,960 open about on social media and thought that people really cared 787 00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:24,640 about and wanted to connect with me about. 788 00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:31,920 So you know, it, social media people that you're that you're 789 00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:35,840 meeting on social media that you're bending over backwards 790 00:46:35,840 --> 00:46:40,080 trying to appease, They don't always care. 791 00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:43,400 You know what I've made, you know, because of social media, 792 00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:47,240 I've met you, you know, because of that podcast, we really 793 00:46:47,240 --> 00:46:50,800 amplified, you know, and, and started this podcast and, and 794 00:46:51,280 --> 00:46:55,280 I've had people come to me, but I no longer feel the need to 795 00:46:55,640 --> 00:46:58,640 prove something and put myself out there in such a way anymore. 796 00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:02,080 I think I did what I need to do for a season and I'm so happy to 797 00:47:02,080 --> 00:47:05,880 just sit inside of peace. Yeah, I think that that's what 798 00:47:05,880 --> 00:47:08,480 I'm learning is that I don't need to have something scheduled 799 00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:11,280 every fucking day on the calendar like I don't. 800 00:47:11,440 --> 00:47:13,160 Need. To have something scheduled all 801 00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:16,120 the time, like my nail girl had me go through and we've booked 802 00:47:16,120 --> 00:47:18,960 all of my appointments through August and I'm like, girl, it's 803 00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:20,960 only February. She's like, if you want certain 804 00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:24,440 dates, you better get them. So I did, but it's just like, 805 00:47:24,960 --> 00:47:28,200 it's amazing how we constantly keep ourselves booked. 806 00:47:28,200 --> 00:47:30,840 Like she's booking August right now, you know what I mean? 807 00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:33,640 And like, that's fine. Like she, that's her vibe. 808 00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:36,440 Like she wanted to get me booked and I'm happy about that. 809 00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:42,520 But it's just amazing to me how humans stay so distracted and 810 00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:44,200 they're never really building anything. 811 00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:46,680 You're actually running from stuff most of the time. 812 00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:51,320 Like me completely giving all of my energy every evening to 813 00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:54,840 someone else means that there was no energy left for me. 814 00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:59,480 There was no time left for me. And one thing that I'm really 815 00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:02,720 working towards is getting back to painting and getting back to 816 00:48:02,720 --> 00:48:08,320 my creative stuff. And just like less exertion of 817 00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:11,040 energy, like if it feels aligned, I will do it. 818 00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:15,480 But it's not. I don't want your money and I 819 00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:17,760 don't care. Like give it to someone else. 820 00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:20,040 You know what I mean? Like there's, but what's so cool 821 00:48:20,040 --> 00:48:24,720 about this is that I also learned as we're bowing out, 822 00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:28,280 there's other people coming in for the first time, right? 823 00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:31,120 Like as we're taking a step back out of the ring, there's people 824 00:48:31,120 --> 00:48:34,320 coming in for the first time. So there was this girl I really 825 00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:37,000 wanted a reading from. She's my secret weapon. 826 00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:42,560 She started doing readings the moment I cut my services off my 827 00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:43,920 schedule to get a reading with her. 828 00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:48,040 I shit you not, the whole reading was about how I needed 829 00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:50,160 to rest and take a nap and receive. 830 00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:52,640 And so it was so aligned that I was like, I'm going to book 831 00:48:52,640 --> 00:48:56,080 another one for you that I want the week of the 222 portal. 832 00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:59,640 She books the second or I get the second reading from her and 833 00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:02,240 it's literally all kinds of fairies and all this stuff. 834 00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:05,280 After I just was posting that I wanted to dress as a fairy at 835 00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:07,360 the Renaissance Festival and bought tickets. 836 00:49:07,760 --> 00:49:10,400 So I was like, this is so aligned and like so 837 00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:13,880 synchronistic that I'm just like, so glad that I got this 838 00:49:13,880 --> 00:49:16,160 reading from you. But it was like her first time 839 00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:19,280 doing readings for the public. And like I said, like as we're 840 00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:21,880 tapping out of certain things, there's other people coming in 841 00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:24,040 for the first time. And like, that's what we'll 842 00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:26,960 leave you all with is like, you never know what today will 843 00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:29,640 bring. So do what you want to today 844 00:49:29,640 --> 00:49:32,680 because if you wait, you're delaying your destiny. 845 00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:35,520 But if you keep doing something you don't want to do, you're 846 00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:38,920 also delaying your destiny. So it's really like being 847 00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:42,720 unapologetic, being authentic and being in alignment means 848 00:49:42,720 --> 00:49:45,240 you're choosing those things. You're not waiting for someone 849 00:49:45,240 --> 00:49:48,480 to bring you alignment on a silver platter because just cuz 850 00:49:48,480 --> 00:49:50,440 you're in alignment doesn't mean you're not going to go out here 851 00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:52,560 get a flat tire tomorrow. Just cuz you're in alignment 852 00:49:52,560 --> 00:49:55,800 doesn't mean that you and your partner aren't going to have an 853 00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:58,640 argument or aren't going to have a falling out with your sister 854 00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:01,400 or your brother or whatever. You know, like so many people 855 00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:05,600 take alignment as a literal place of like completion. 856 00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:08,760 And alignment is a vibrational frequency. 857 00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:12,880 It is an everyday action. I choose to be in alignment by 858 00:50:12,880 --> 00:50:16,360 not picking up the phone and calling someone who's going to 859 00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:19,440 bring me down or going to the bar and taking shots or 860 00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:22,000 whatever. Like I'm very much against 861 00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:26,760 alcohol because of how much it attracted me and brought me down 862 00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:30,440 in the past, and I feel like all of that character development 863 00:50:30,440 --> 00:50:33,080 led me here so now I can talk shit about it. 864 00:50:33,360 --> 00:50:36,280 Quit drinking y'all. You'll be so much happier and 865 00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:40,240 your energy will be so much more aligned if you choose better 866 00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:46,640 habits every single day. And I, I love that and I want to 867 00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:50,640 leave people with you can create any version of reality that you 868 00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:54,720 want to inside of your life. And you are responsible for your 869 00:50:54,720 --> 00:50:58,680 happiness and living the life that you want to live that makes 870 00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:02,920 you truly happy. And big decisions and life 871 00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:05,760 changing decisions are hard to fucking make. 872 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:11,040 And they always, you are always going to feel like it's going to 873 00:51:11,040 --> 00:51:13,880 be really complicated and you don't know what you're going to 874 00:51:13,880 --> 00:51:16,760 do. But I promise you that the 875 00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:26,240 struggle to find your happiness is nothing compared to the 876 00:51:26,240 --> 00:51:28,880 struggle that it is to live inside of something that you 877 00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:32,320 know isn't right for you, that you're trying to force. 878 00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:37,120 And things are always going to be fucking difficult before 879 00:51:37,120 --> 00:51:39,520 they're better. And I can tell you that I 880 00:51:39,520 --> 00:51:42,080 thought something was going to be so fucking difficult and I 881 00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:44,840 would never look back in my whole entire life. 882 00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:50,000 And the version that I am right now after making hard choices is 883 00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:52,560 the best version I've ever fucking been of myself. 884 00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:54,920 And I never knew that I could be this person. 885 00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:57,880 And I had to make really hard choices. 886 00:51:57,880 --> 00:52:02,600 And you guys can make whatever fucking choices for your reality 887 00:52:02,600 --> 00:52:04,600 that you want to. You could fucking decide 888 00:52:04,600 --> 00:52:08,000 tomorrow you're going to move to Cuba fucking flat ass broke. 889 00:52:08,240 --> 00:52:10,360 Maybe that's not what you're going to do, but you fucking 890 00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:13,680 could. So, you know, put that in your 891 00:52:13,680 --> 00:52:15,560 straw and suck it and have a wonderful day. 892 00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:21,040 We will see you all next time in motherfucking Candyland. 893 00:52:21,160 --> 00:52:22,640 Bye, guys. Bye. 894 00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:32,680 Uh huh. Yeah, you said she's so sweet, 895 00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:33,480 man. Come on. 896 00:52:33,520 --> 00:52:37,000 Like the rapper live Me like a lollipop. 897 00:52:37,240 --> 00:52:44,360 Lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, 898 00:52:44,360 --> 00:52:48,920 lollipop. You want to swallow my spirit 899 00:52:49,280 --> 00:52:51,240 and penetrate my aura? Taste. 900 00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,360 All of my consciousness is obvious. 901 00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:57,080 We're goddesses full of the divine femininity.