He says she's so sweet, man. Come on over.
The rapper lit me like a lollipop.
Lollipop, Lollipop Lollipop Lollipop Lollipop Lollipop.
Welcome back to another episode of Candyland.
We've got the beautiful Gemini. Oh, you're so sweet to me.
Hello. Look at you.
We came in matching buns. Hot Mess Express Two kids you
know again. I did and I have decided to take
authority over my hair again and color it myself because I like a
very specific red. And I thought like, you know how
I get where I like second guess what I'm doing and I'm like
maybe somebody else can do it better than me.
So I was going to the hair salon.
I love the girl who was doing my hair, but it is not as vivid as
I wanted. So she really helped with like
bringing it all back, getting everything balanced, making my
hair healthy again. And now we are bright, shiny,
back to red. Yeah, it looks really good.
I didn't like when you did the dark in there that much after a
while. Like I felt like it really
needed to be just red. Like at first stuff was super
cute, but like only at first 'cause like after it grew out a
little bit I was like, I liked it all red.
I like it all red and and I was struggling to be able to get it
back. Like just I've got it just like
when it's going good, I gotta be like, it's OK to have like some
repetition on things and not always have to switch things up,
which has been like, I don't know, a key focus in my life.
So like, if you guys aren't on my Patreon, I've decided that
I'm pausing coven indefinitely at this point.
I don't know if I'll ever come back to the coven of rejects
podcast. And I am taking a break, if not
indefinitely, from posting tik Toks and really posting social
media other than sharing what I'm doing for educational
things. I think it's been really fucking
exhausting. And I feel like I've been
putting a lot of energy into places where I want something to
flourish instead of nurturing the areas that are already
flourishing. It feels really exhausting.
And I have, you know, Covenant of Rejects was cool when I
started it. It was a huge outlet and passion
project for me. But at this point, like I'm not
running for my life anymore and I don't have to pour into all of
these other things to avoid my world.
And if it's not seamlessly fitting into my life and giving
me peace, I don't fucking want it anymore.
Like I'm I'm done feeling like I'm living inside of trauma
responses. And I think a lot of people
don't realize like how much it takes a toll on your mental
health when you're putting out content constantly.
Because I remember a few years ago when my Tik Toks were doing
really good and I was going live all the time.
I was literally going live like 10 hours or more a week on top
of like posting all the time and channeling messages all the
time. And like, luckily at that
moment, there wasn't a lot of tarot readers or a lot of
messages flying around yet. And so I was getting money and I
was getting paid and it wasn't a big deal.
Like I think the most I made from TikTok was like $400.00 or
something at once. Like I had a $400.00 cash out,
which was huge. But like the dynamic of how it
affected my mental health made me take that step back.
And while I took that step back, you really went like 10 toes
down on it. But I think that like once you
hit your 150K or like once you got where you wanted to be, it's
kind of like, oh, I did it, I'm good now.
I got it, already did it. I think 1.
I wanted to prove something to myself because it never was
about proving anything to anybody else.
I wanted to prove something to myself, but also too, I was
getting a lot of validation from like outside sources.
And I just feel like I had such a lack in my home life of
certain things that I was seeking it elsewhere.
And I don't have that anymore. And I don't have that.
Like I feel super comfortable and confident within myself and
these other things. And, and I just, I haven't
enjoyed doing TikTok content in a hot 2nd, which is why it's
bounced back and forth from like witchy educational things to
snarky things to sexy things, to food things.
And you know, I started using TikTok and doing food videos and
stuff as a way to keep a connection and like share what I
had going on in life. And at this point, I'm like, if
it's outside of like it like a lollipop podcast, you don't even
know shit about me. Like if it's outside of that,
we, I share here the things that I'm comfortable sharing about my
life and the messages that I have.
And if it doesn't fit into the podcast, it's not meant to be
heard by people right now. And I'm OK with that.
And also, that's what I'm really feeling like with the dynamic of
me taking all of my services down.
Like I just tonight did the last one hour live session that will
ever exist 'cause when I do come back and do live readings, they
will be a lot shorter and a lot more condensed.
Because like you said in the beginning, like it wasn't really
that I was proving myself to others because I knew I could
talk to dead people. It was more of like trying to
prove to myself that I could generate an income, that I could
make this a business, that I could really attract clients or
whatever it may be. But then once you have something
happen and it books you out for like 4 months.
So you collected all the money in one month, but you're doing
all the labor for the next 3 1/2 months with no like, return.
It was so draining and so eye opening to where I had poured so
much into others that I was leaving bread crumbs for myself.
Like up until the last like six months, I didn't even have time
to like do spell work for, for the podcast or for us or like
I'm always doing my protection and stuff like that.
But I didn't have like any fun time to sit down and do spell
work for fun, like just to do it.
Like the other day I did a motivation spell so I could get
like like human work 9:00 to 5:00 stuff done, which was cool
like in it and I got it done. But like, being able to use
magic for fun had diminished and like only using it for others
and trying to help others really took a toll on my mental health
because I do feel like women especially are taught to
constantly pour, constantly give and constantly put others before
you. And so I almost was like
breaking like a pattern or a like a wound by taking this step
back. And what's so diabolical about
it is like in the two weeks I've stepped back, I've picked up
four more monthly clients that are like high profile clients.
And that's amazing because they're like, bitch, I got it.
Like whatever it costs you don't it don't even matter.
Like tell me what you need. You know what I mean?
So that's been crazy because I'm not really stepping back.
I'm stepping out of the public. I'm stepping out of being
accessible. That's where I'm at.
I'm not stepping back from doing the things that I love doing or
doing the readings or the mentorship or anything like you
know, we have going on on Patreon and stuff.
But it's, I don't feel the need to be in the public eye in order
to do those things anymore. I don't, I don't feel the need
that I need to keep on generating in new clients or, or
new people. Like, you know, we've done a
really good job of building up our Patreons and, and you know,
I have people who are doing mentorship with me who are
taking classes and stuff I want to pour into that.
But also too, like I got lost on the taking care of myself
pieces. And there were things I wanted
to do for my, I really wanted to take that astrology class and be
able to pour into that astrology class.
And, you know, because of things going on in my personal life
and, and different things, that was a struggle for me, but
really I didn't have the energy left to figure out how to make
that class sustainable for myself because I was so busy
with these other things. And I also, you know, I have a
Reiki mentor here and I've really been like wanting and
working on getting Reiki certified.
And there's just certain different things that like maybe
in the interim of things I have to step away from things.
But in the long run, those are the things that are going to
benefit me as a person and eventually bring in different
clientele if I choose to do something like that.
But I like, I just want to focus so much on being able to build
what we already have going and pour into all of these areas
instead of always feeling like, you know, it's a lot of pressure
on us when we're always putting ourselves on social media or
putting ourselves online. And I, I think that like, I was
comparing and feeling like I would give up because of, you
know, things that Bunny said, like, oh, the podcast wasn't
where I wanted the podcast to be.
Had I given up, I wouldn't be where I am right now.
And so I would tell myself things like, you know, you have
to keep doing these things, keep doing those things, but you
know, that doesn't mean that because that worked for somebody
else and consistently doing something is going to give me
the same kind of outcome that it does for somebody else.
We can't judge the journey that we're having and think that
because something worked for somebody else and somebody
else's consistency worked for them, but that's exactly what's
going to pay off for us. I think I have such a different
road and so many different things that I haven't even like
fucking tapped into that this is going to free off all that up.
And that's exactly like the downloads that I was getting is
like the main focus with the spiritual journey is to become
the best version of yourself. And if that version of yourself
is helping others and doing these things, that's wonderful.
But spirit had emphasized to me that I need to move into
receiving because all's I've been doing is giving, All's I've
been doing is giving. And sharing and aligning and
making people feel safe and comfortable.
But it's like, who makes me feel safe and comfortable, right?
Like myself? And if I'm not in tune with
myself and my needs, then once again, I'm falling into a people
pleasing cycle or some type of, you know, limiting cycle that
has me sharing constantly and not saving any for me.
And I feel like it's like almost like in a past life or in some
timeline, I like took and now I feel like I have to give.
And like they keep emphasizing like your karmic debt is paid,
like paid in full, paid over again, paid up for the next 6
lives. Like you're good, you've got it,
you've, you've done it. And you know, it is something
people realize. Like when you sit down on video
chat with someone like strangers constantly, like 5-6, eight
times a week for an hour session, there is so much that
goes into that because they are opening their soul and they're
being vulnerable and they're sharing vulnerable moments and
crying or, you know, having closure or whatever.
And it's just so heavy. It's so heavy, like versus like
a monthly client on Patreon that I've built a relationship with.
Our spirit guides are comfortable.
You know, it's still breakthrough, it's still a good
moment, but it's not as heavy on me to try to get their walls
down and like get in there and feel safe and comfortable and
whatever. So I just feel like, you know,
I'm shifting the way that I'm going to offer things.
I've closed every spot on Patreon except the basic tier,
which would include like the Moon Circle and the podcast
content. But I just feel like whenever we
created some of those tiers a few years ago, I just wanted
people to see that my spells worked.
Like I was like giving them away.
Like I wasn't accounting for materials.
I wasn't accounting for that. It takes 3 or 4 hours or more.
Like I wasn't accounting for any of that.
So now I look at it and I'm like, wow, like you are people
pleasing continuously and then extending it to a monthly
membership or whatever. But I mean, like for the people
who've been on there for the last four years, I'm not going
to raise their price. I'm just going to limit the
spots, you know what I mean? Like I want them to feel
accessible for the price that they felt comfortable paying,
but I'm not letting anyone new in at that price.
I get that, but for me, like I would love to take on more
reading clients. My, my favorite service is the
new client consults. Like I love when new people come
in and you know, I get like 30 minutes to talk with them, pull
some cards for them. And a lot of times the new
clients for me are people who are like new on their spiritual
journey or just new to finding me.
And I love being able to be like, OK, so these are ways that
I can help or these are resources that you can have and
just like directing people in different ways.
The biggest thing for me, I'm so excited and I hope this doesn't
sound awful, but like the thing that was draining for me was the
Covenant of Rejects podcast and talking with somebody different
every week about their spiritual journey.
And like that a lot of people go through a lot of trauma to like
find their spiritual path. And I and I love holding space
for those people. But like, the difference in a
spiritual reading is some there's an energy exchange
there, somebody's paying for that service and then they're
getting my time. And I felt like with that
podcast, it ended up feeling like I was holding space and
amplifying voices while I just kept feeling like mine was
getting squashed. And it just started really
feeling like it wasn't even appreciated anymore.
Like I felt so appreciated and had so much purpose with it at
first. And then I just started feeling
like I didn't feel as appreciated by guests anymore
And I didn't feel like, Oh yeah, I'm so excited to talk to them
and, and like really get something out of this it and
like learn something for myself. It just started feeling like I
would just feel really drained after I did the interviews.
And I never want to put an episode out of any podcast and
have something energetically attached to me or my brand or us
that I don't 1000% believe in. And I just stopped being
inspired by it. And if your passion project
feels like work and you don't feel inspired anymore, you need
to like, take a break and recalibrate.
But I also felt like I got used the most for trying to build
that podcast. And when I look at like, you
know, the business manager that I tried to hire for that podcast
and that that situation was the breaking point for me where I
was like, OK, I, I don't enjoy the way that I'm doing it.
Anytime that I try to bring somebody on to help me shift
gears because I'm not able to see how for myself, I get fucked
over. So I'm just going to take a
pause from it. And, and I really fucking
meditated on it and did a lot of like, like deep work.
And I'm like, it doesn't need to be a pause like this.
I'm trying to push a fucking boulder that doesn't move.
Like that's what it feels like. Thought about like you just
getting on there and teaching and talking and like sharing
whatever you want to talk about. I don't, I don't think, I, I
think I want to do that on my Patreon.
I think I want to focus that on my Patreon.
And that's what I started Patreon for.
I started Patreon to share me, my voice, my teachings of
things. I have years of, you know,
spirituality, educational things, witchcraft educational
things. I have my classes and then I
have this podcast and like, does my voice need 42 different
things to amplify it? No, like my voice is going to be
louder if I'm not straining to scream it in all of these
different avenues and fucking crying at the end of the day
because how come I'm screaming and nobody hears me?
Like I, I get so much fulfillment and feedback from
Lollipop and, you know, people listening to it.
And there's something about you and me going back and forth on
things that is so different than me just speaking to random
people or me just speaking to myself.
And this is where I really want to pour things into like the the
wide variety of ways to share my voice, our voice, our thoughts
on things and and viewpoints. It it just means so much more to
me. I also like agree, I don't think
a lot of people understand what goes into a podcast because now
they're so mass produced and there's so many of them.
But you know what podcasts were first coming out like there was
a handful and now there's hundreds of podcasts being
created every single day. And people think like, oh, you
know, you get 10,000 listeners, you're going to make money.
No, you're not. Actually you're not.
You know what I mean? Like the way they have it set up
for creators, whether it's music or podcasts or whatever, they
keep all the money. They keep all the money and they
give you a very small piece. And I feel like so many people
start things without fully understanding the depth of it.
But I feel like Covenant rejects for you really gave you a lot of
confidence and like a lot of like, you know, amplification of
your voice in the beginning because there was no one on
Patreon, it didn't exist or there was no TikTok, you know
what I mean? So like, it was an outlet that
you utilized to build strength and to build confidence.
And I really do think that's what led us to creating a
podcast, you know what I mean? And then while we started this
one, there's been like 12 other people who wanted to start
another podcast with you. So I mean, people clearly value,
you know, your expertise and your voice.
But I also agree, like when something stops being fun, stop
fucking doing it because so many of us continue, you know, like
whether it's like a relationship or a friendship or something,
like so many people wait until it's a dumpster fire to call it
quits. Sometimes it's just like, this
is not aligned with me anymore and you need to just like branch
free from that. But I feel like we hold
ourselves hostage, like you said earlier with those thoughts of
like, well, if I give up now, I won't get anywhere if I don't do
this. But I think at the end of the
day, there's a difference between like being motivated and
pushing yourself because of limiting beliefs.
I agree and I think I think that Coven of rejects, like that's
still my brand, but I would love to do something that's like I
would love to actually do clothing line with Coven of
rejects. Not like some merch that goes
with the podcast, but like truly putting work on art and, and
different things and having Coven of Rejects just be so many
different things other than, and like my readings and stuff like
that, other than being the podcast.
And like the covenant of rejects will always be a thing
associated with my brand. But and the the podcast will
always exist for the art that it's been.
But also it's full of like trauma stuff for me.
Like it for me, it, there's a lot of pieces of it that
represent me believing that I was living a life that I wasn't
living and trying to live a life that I wasn't living and
projecting something that I felt to be true that wasn't true, if
that makes sense. Like there are so many pieces of
myself that I feel like have been lost for a really long time
and that I've allowed to be stifled down.
And Coven was the only place for a minute where I felt any type
of power or I felt seen in any capacity.
And I don't want to be held to that version of myself anymore.
And I want to be able to do new things.
And with Lollipop, I feel like we get the option to evolve and
we talk about our lives and, and, and we share who who we are
and what our thoughts and opinions are outside of
spirituality too, and Covenant of Rejects.
I'm, I was very limited to listening to just what other
people's stories were. And at first that was awesome
because I was so scared to have my own voice heard that being
able to amplify everybody's else's voice was incredible.
And now I'm like, Nah, bitch, I got shit to say.
And like, you know, like I, I don't want to be tied down to
just having to be trauma dumped on all the time and think that
that's my way to success is by being silent.
Yeah, and I think a lot of people don't even know that, not
just on Coven, but people don't know their trauma dumping.
Like so many people are so used to giving a voice to their pain
24/7 that they don't even see that as trauma dumping.
But what I think really started to come up for me as I started
to evolve was like the people that I used to connect with
started seeing me as like competition or they started
seeing me as I think I'm better than them or I think these
things that I didn't really think at all.
But what I really feel like the evolution with our brand, so
many people try to come in and like segregate us or like blind
side us or break it up. And I really feel like when the
devil is working overtime to stop you from saying something,
doing something, sharing something, that that's what
you're meant to do, like that's what you're meant to focus on.
And I really feel like the people that you were attracting
like these, you know, the people that you were interviewing, the
people that came on, whatever it may be, that was a
representation of your energy then.
And now as you're uncovering those layers and you're peeling
back the onion and you're like getting to the core of the
issues setting in that trauma or setting in that dumpster fire
doesn't seem fun anymore. Like doesn't seem exciting.
Just like going to the bar or going different places that I
used to go literally repulses me now because I see someone who
drinks and does drugs as someone who is crying for help, not
someone having fun and celebrating like I see someone
who's in pain. And it's hard for me to like,
look that in the eyes and like watch it happen.
So I had to completely, you know, remove myself.
And I really like keep getting this message right now that, you
know, everyone thinks the war, like the war is physical, but
the war is fucking spiritual. You all.
Like, it is not a physical war. It is a spiritual war.
And so many people don't realize that when they're in those
limiting vibrations, they're in that trauma, they're in that
fear. You are amplifying it.
So giving a voice and a platform to it keeps it right, keeps it
growing, keeps it, you know, somewhere out there in the
ether. And I feel like the biggest part
of my journey was like starving my fears or like starving my
trauma, like no longer entertaining it.
And, you know, we all have slip UPS.
You know, I've had some people reach out about the past episode
and they're like, I see you as someone who is so strong.
So to know that you've taken setbacks or you know, you had a
set back or you had reached down to help someone and and got
screwed over, They're like, I hate that happened to you.
But it makes me feel not as bad about when I take a set back or
when I do something that's against my character.
And I just feel like, you know, we're all fucking human.
Like everyone is human and everyone's dealing with their
own stuff. But choosing what we give
attention to is the most important thing.
So I feel like, you know, the universe is proud of you for
breaking free of that. Like, if that was a trauma
circle and a little powwow that, you know, helped you, then it's
not going to resonate with you now, and it's not going to be
the vibration that you're on. So setting with those people and
setting in that energy is traumatizing.
Well, and that goes in with, you know, we're always talking about
not operating out of like fear based mentalities and and
different things. And I think that's kind of where
I had been operating in from a while was like the fear of what
happens if I don't do this? What do I do with my time or my
energy if I'm not doing this and, and not having to be scared
of like, what are, what am I going to do if this isn't the
way that I'm doing my art or if this isn't the art that I'm
doing or if I'm not doing this with my time, being scared of
like, what will I do with my time?
Or, you know, covenant of rejects was an income generator
for me. Like it might not be because I
was getting paid specifically from the podcast, because I'll
fucking tell you guys that when it comes to sponsorships on your
podcast, like if you make $3 from your ads for your 10,000
listeners, that $3 is fucking baller it.
The income comes in from the different things that you're
doing. Like our income comes in from
you guys listening and being like, oh, I want to get readings
with them. I want to join Patreon.
I want to do these different things.
It doesn't come from you simply listening from the podcast.
It comes from you supporting us outside of the podcast and
finding us this way. But I was getting a lot of
people finding me from that podcast and it was a big income
generator for me. But at the same time it's like,
OK, cool. So you know, if I'm if I'm
removing myself from the the fear based mentality, it's going
OK, I'm not growing from this and learning from this anymore.
I don't connect with this energy and any money or people that are
coming in from this Ave. are so negotiated with that energy and
then I'm just in the same fucking cycle.
If they're meant to come in and be clients of mine or be in our
community spaces in any capacity, that's going to happen
without me having to be pouring energy into something that's
sucking energy from me. Like I, I, it shouldn't need to
be a fucking vampire situation that financially benefits.
And I think that there's a real energetic tie to abundance in
the forms of which you're getting that abundance and what
you're doing for that money. Like there really is an energy
tie in your fucking cash and how you're obtaining it, who's
giving it to you. And, and I feel like if I'm
wanting to change the way that finances are in my life or the
way that just abundances in general, whether that be
abundance in love or, you know, family, whatever, I have to be
switching up the way that I'm receiving it and what I'm
putting out to obtain it. Yeah.
And I don't think a lot of people realize, like the ethics
that goes into certain things. Like there are readers that will
just take your money all day and give you some bullshit reading
and then want you to come back. And then there's people who are
going to give you quality information and send you on your
way and hope that you fly. You know, I just feel like
there's so many different types of spiritual practitioners and
there's so many different levels for each journey, like for
everyone's journey. And sometimes there's going to
be people that want to give you their money that are not
aligned. And I feel like that's where I'm
at with like taking a step back from offering services to the
public and going to like a wait list system.
It was like super imposter syndrome because I also felt the
same of like, well, what am I going to do?
Like what? What do you mean?
I mean like, how am I going to have a business if I don't have
services, you know? So it's been like breaking free
of the paradigm. And now that it's been like 2
full weeks and I just did my last video scheduled reading, I
feel so free because I feel like if I want to take a nap or I
want to go to the gym or I want to do something like I'm not
tied down to some specific situation or specific energy.
And then now so many people are coming in and want to become
like monthly spell work clients. And that's like super big
because I really enjoy the spell work because it comes with the
reading. But I can do it and vibe and
listen to music and like hit a load of laundry too.
Like, you know what I mean? It's not like I'm just sitting
on video chat with you this whole hour and, you know, spoon
feeding you. I love readings and I love to
doing the new client called consults too, because my
favorite part about this journey is like watching the lights come
on for someone who's been in the darkness.
Like I love that I live for that, but I also see where the
givers got to have limits and I was being compensated and having
like such a good response to my services.
I just feel like I need to be in a more freedom space where it's
not. These are the days I'm reading.
They're booked every time I've got to sit here, you know, for
five hours in the evening. I just feel like I'm moving more
towards like pre recorded where it's like all you need to do is
be open to receive. All you need to do is just like
chill and relax and your reading will be delivered.
Because I also feel like that's going to open up a new Ave. of
clients that are like nervous to hop on a video call, that are
nervous to like be face to face with a stranger or like
whatever. So I just find that like the
evolution of my journey is like, I really wanted people to need
me. But now that I've like taken
care of my small self, my inner child, my ego and all these
versions of me, I see where that also was a trauma response.
Like you said, like you wanted to give other people a voice
because you didn't want to share your own or you know, whatever.
So I don't think so many people can see the hindsight until you
actually step away from it. But it's like, you know, just
like with an artist, anyone who makes money on their creativity,
whether it's readings, art, music, you are your own worst
critic. You are being hard on yourself
all the time. And there are so many artists
that will release just a masterpiece of an album and be
like, I don't even fucking like it.
Like I I'd delete it if I could because they're being their own
worst enemy. And it's like you don't know
what you're doing today that will impact someone tomorrow.
I think that too is why different things that we went
through, I mean, we've talked about, you know, some things
that we went through inside of our community spaces in the
past. And I think that that's why that
certain things really hit hit me as deeply as they did.
I, I don't really let a lot of things emotionally impact me or
affect me. I, I kind of am pretty good at
being like, OK, that it just is what it is and, and not really
emotionally taking things in. But it's like somebody giving
you negative feedback on your art and something that you
dedicate your life to and you're fucking passionate about.
Like if you're a chef and you know, you've been working on on
something and you go and you're like feeding people and you're
like, I, you know, it was 50% off for you guys.
And this is the best that I can do.
I do. And I've been training for this
and I'm so excited to pour my heart into this and share this.
And someone goes and leaves you a shitty review and like tells
you it's amazing and leaves you a shitty review and is like, I
would have fucking not even given it to a homeless person on
the street. You know, then it's like that
hits your fucking soul and this is our art, you know, sharing
our voices and, and our, and our magic and our our certain pieces
of ourselves is a fucking art. And we have to do the things
that are important for us to keep doing what we're doing.
And also protect new versions of ourselves and and give space for
to say this was something that my inner child needed in order
for me to heal or this is something that this version of
me needed. This version of me now does not
need a whole lot of fucking thing.
I do not need a TikTok full of people commenting and telling
me, oh, you look really pretty today or I love your voice,
you're so inspirational or you know, whatever.
I don't give a fuck about that. Like I am so apartment peace
with where the fuck I am that like I I just don't need those
things. Anymore, do you think that's
because you like crushed your goals on TikTok?
Like do you think you would feel the same if you like plateaued
at 40,000 followers and never went past that?
Do you think because you were able to break the paradigm and
like defy what your ex was saying?
Like, oh, I didn't think you could do that?
Like, do you think that that has given you that breakthrough?
I do, but I also think that for a really long time, I was in a
relationship with somebody who was competing with me and who
didn't think that I was intelligent or funny or capable
and always told me that they didn't think that I was going to
be able to do XY and Z. And I think that really, I think
that when I, I told you we had that conversation where he's
like shocked that you didn't didn't think you would that for
me was really like the I fucking did it moment.
That was the moment I was like, I fucking hate you, like I
fucking did it, suck my Dick. I've done it all.
But I also think too now like I'm not, I'm not in a
relationship with somebody competing with me.
I I'm not needing to seek outside things.
I'm not I, I think that that accomplishment helped a lot, But
I, I think that really moving out of a space where I was in
competition all the fucking time and trying to prove that like
I'm smart. See all these people think I'm
smart, I'm capable. All these people think I'm
capable. I can start a business.
All these people see me start a business.
I start a business for you. I just, I, I was always looking
for the good job. You did it.
And then I got the good job, you did it.
And I was like, that tastes like fucking dirt in my mouth.
Go fuck yourself. What do you feel like whenever
that person was like, we really need to celebrate your 100K
followers? Like what was that about?
I remember you said that he was like, we really need to do
something special for your your 100K.
And then you went from 100K to like 150K and you never brought
it up again. So I was just like.
Oh, I, I didn't do anything. I think that I tried to plan
something and he was like your mom, what are you doing?
And you know, that is, is what it was it, there was a
recognition of like, oh, you hit 100K.
Cool. I'm going to go back to doing
whatever, like doing whatever I'm doing.
And, and it is what it is. Like, I can't even express to
you somebody, somebody messaged and I sent it to you.
And I, I don't remember the, the full message, but it basically
was like, when did you know that you were unhappy and that it
wasn't just like day-to-day things that you just knew you
were unhappy. And I'm like, I knew every day
of my fucking life for a long time.
And I just kept on listening to all of the ways that it was my
fault for XYZ. And I made that my motivator to
be successful and I made that my like driving force to prove
something to myself. And once I proved it to myself,
I was able to be like, okay, but there's no longer a way to say
that I'm the issue. I'm accomplishing all of these
things, all of these, all of these 150,000 people that don't
know me in real life see all of these things when I'm sharing
everything. And if one person can't see
that, then whatever. I there, there was never
anything to celebrate my accomplishments on things.
There was, yeah, there was. It was like, you know, OK, cool,
you did that, but you could have done this.
You did that, but what are you going to do next?
You did that, but you know, it could have been better.
I mean, what you did was cool, but it could have been better.
And I've had to understand that that's just how some people are.
And some people think that like God, it's just tough love and
criticism so that you do better. If you have to diminish somebody
and what they're doing in order to think that you're making them
more powerful. You are not a fucking leader.
You are not a supporter, and you certainly shouldn't be a partner
for somebody. You should really be.
And maybe it's just being paired with me.
Maybe they would do better out in the other world.
And that's a thing too, is people can be really fucking
awful with each other and really great for other people and heal
their own things. But I I never want to feel that
way ever again in my whole life. I saw something that talks about
that very powerful women have a matrix handler as a partner at
some point. And the whole dynamic of this
person is to keep you small, to make sure that you remember your
place, that you ain't shit, that you're nobody, that whatever.
And it really brought to light a lot of revelations of like men
that I dated in the past that encouraged me to do bad things
or put me in the position to lose.
You know what I mean? Never building me up, never
making me feel safe, never making me feel seen, but like
making me feel like I have to do all the all the work or I have
to overcompensate for their lack of emotional depth or
vulnerability or that I need to do more.
And you know, then you get to a point where those same people
are like, oh, you're too good for me, like we talked about on
the last episode. So it's just like this matrix
handler term really resonated with me because the only time
that I have truly played small is when I'm in a relationship
with someone who doesn't serve me.
Like that is the Max. Like when I'm alone and I'm in
my power and I'm not blindly giving it away, I am fucking
thriving. Even if I'm just, you know, at
home doing laundry or whatever, I am thriving.
But the moment you throw someone's dusty, crusty energy
into my life, next thing you know, I wake up in a bad mood.
By 9:30, they've pissed me off. By 10:00 at night, I'm pissed
off. You know what I mean?
Just like constant. And I just feel like that Matrix
handler makes sense of like powerful women needing someone
to diminish them to keep them small so they don't break free
of the matrix. I agree with that.
I also have been really thinking about the term that we use of
partner and like you're in a partnership or you have a
partner and when you look at things and you go, okay, what
are the things that I need a partner in?
I need a partner in parenting. I need a partner in house
chores. I need a partner in of fucking
chaos, right? Like I I need a partner in
problem solving, ABC and D And then you look at the person that
you're with. Is that your partner in
parenting? Meaning are they putting in when
you can't? You have something right now.
I'm here doing the podcast, right?
Is my partner hanging out with my kid in the other room,
keeping him company, being the other parent that's happening
right now? Because, you know, like, if I
have a financial crisis right this moment and I can't handle
something, is my partner, my person stepping in and being
like this not all just on your shoulders.
I got this without making you feel stupid for or, you know,
whatever for for not having finance.
OK, You know, I, I need a partner for, for fucking
housework. If I'm sick right now, it are
the dishes going to go undone for four days because I'm sick
and I can't do them. What what are things in your
partnership? And I think that that goes back
to the question that the girl asked of how do you know that
you're unhappy and that you're needing something different?
You look at what the word partner means.
You look at what your requirements and your hopes for
a partner are and what you want that to mean.
And then you assess, is that being met or not?
Is that ever going to change or is it going to stay the fucking
same and you're going to wish want fucking hope.
Also, if you are comparing your relationships, other people's
relationships and going, oh, fuck, I just I love, you know,
they look so happy. I wish I was happy, you know,
like, Oh my gosh, you know, they hold hands out in public.
I wish I was holding hands out in public.
Like that's not your person, bitch.
You are You are being codependent on in something you
shouldn't be in. Yeah, unfortunately I feel like
the Matrix traps us with those handlers based on children and
finances. It does. 9% of people are
trapped in their circumstances and that's what makes that like
Matrix Handler make so much sense to me.
The moment someone realized they couldn't handle me like I didn't
need them, I had what I needed. Then they did anything they
could to sabotage my security or sabotage my life or make me feel
unsafe in my home or make me feel unworthy of what I'm asking
or or whatever. So I really feel like what our
podcast has done for me and you, it also amplifies that for other
people. Like so many people have said,
like I feel like I'm just sitting down with my besties and
like, we're just having a moment.
And I think that's what's so important about our podcast is
like, this is a living, breathing entity and it has
become something that is way bigger than just us.
And I think that it's really valid and important to realize
when you've outgrown spaces and when they're no longer aligned
with you, rather than continuing to like be 10 toes down on
something that's not in alignment.
So I feel like what this podcast has done for me is just allowed
me to be all versions of myself and to give them their proper
like exhibit in the past. You know, like there's a lot of
people going through and listening to our podcast from
the beginning right now. And it's so wild because people
will reach out and they're like, you were talking about
Presidents Day and it's fucking Presidents Day today or you were
talking about this and this just happened.
And so I really want everyone to realize that you don't know what
your day today is going to be like, but one thing that you can
do is be sure of how you're going to show up in the world.
Like I am no longer allowing people to put me in a box or
keep me small or tell me how I should or should not do things.
And I feel like that's what this podcast has done for me is to
give a voice to all those versions of me who needed
someone, who wanted someone who, whatever.
And now this version of me is like, I already have everything
that I need and I don't need any of that now.
And I think that's where you're at.
And it's such a full circle moment for everything.
I, I feel so happy and fulfilled inside of my life and so happy
about these things that we have going with this podcast and, and
just with, you know, our community spaces in general and
what we've built around us. I don't feel the stresses or
whatever or feel that I need to prove or show anything to
anybody anymore. And if that is, you know, I
don't have a TikTok anymore and you know, that doesn't bring in
new people, then I don't have a TikTok anymore and it doesn't
bring in new people. And you know, those versions of
things that TikTok will stay there.
Will I post once in a fucking blue moon?
Maybe, but I don't think so. I don't even scroll on there
anymore. I'm not even opening the app,
whereas that used to be my everyday thing.
I would open the app. I would, you know, look at the
algorithm. I would post three to four times
a day. I would interact with people.
I don't give a fuck anymore. And I'll tell you what, not one
of those fucking people has reached out to me while I've
been going through everything that I went through and I was
open about on social media and thought that people really cared
about and wanted to connect with me about.
So you know, it, social media people that you're that you're
meeting on social media that you're bending over backwards
trying to appease, They don't always care.
You know what I've made, you know, because of social media,
I've met you, you know, because of that podcast, we really
amplified, you know, and, and started this podcast and, and
I've had people come to me, but I no longer feel the need to
prove something and put myself out there in such a way anymore.
I think I did what I need to do for a season and I'm so happy to
just sit inside of peace. Yeah, I think that that's what
I'm learning is that I don't need to have something scheduled
every fucking day on the calendar like I don't.
Need. To have something scheduled all
the time, like my nail girl had me go through and we've booked
all of my appointments through August and I'm like, girl, it's
only February. She's like, if you want certain
dates, you better get them. So I did, but it's just like,
it's amazing how we constantly keep ourselves booked.
Like she's booking August right now, you know what I mean?
And like, that's fine. Like she, that's her vibe.
Like she wanted to get me booked and I'm happy about that.
But it's just amazing to me how humans stay so distracted and
they're never really building anything.
You're actually running from stuff most of the time.
Like me completely giving all of my energy every evening to
someone else means that there was no energy left for me.
There was no time left for me. And one thing that I'm really
working towards is getting back to painting and getting back to
my creative stuff. And just like less exertion of
energy, like if it feels aligned, I will do it.
But it's not. I don't want your money and I
don't care. Like give it to someone else.
You know what I mean? Like there's, but what's so cool
about this is that I also learned as we're bowing out,
there's other people coming in for the first time, right?
Like as we're taking a step back out of the ring, there's people
coming in for the first time. So there was this girl I really
wanted a reading from. She's my secret weapon.
She started doing readings the moment I cut my services off my
schedule to get a reading with her.
I shit you not, the whole reading was about how I needed
to rest and take a nap and receive.
And so it was so aligned that I was like, I'm going to book
another one for you that I want the week of the 222 portal.
She books the second or I get the second reading from her and
it's literally all kinds of fairies and all this stuff.
After I just was posting that I wanted to dress as a fairy at
the Renaissance Festival and bought tickets.
So I was like, this is so aligned and like so
synchronistic that I'm just like, so glad that I got this
reading from you. But it was like her first time
doing readings for the public. And like I said, like as we're
tapping out of certain things, there's other people coming in
for the first time. And like, that's what we'll
leave you all with is like, you never know what today will
bring. So do what you want to today
because if you wait, you're delaying your destiny.
But if you keep doing something you don't want to do, you're
also delaying your destiny. So it's really like being
unapologetic, being authentic and being in alignment means
you're choosing those things. You're not waiting for someone
to bring you alignment on a silver platter because just cuz
you're in alignment doesn't mean you're not going to go out here
get a flat tire tomorrow. Just cuz you're in alignment
doesn't mean that you and your partner aren't going to have an
argument or aren't going to have a falling out with your sister
or your brother or whatever. You know, like so many people
take alignment as a literal place of like completion.
And alignment is a vibrational frequency.
It is an everyday action. I choose to be in alignment by
not picking up the phone and calling someone who's going to
bring me down or going to the bar and taking shots or
whatever. Like I'm very much against
alcohol because of how much it attracted me and brought me down
in the past, and I feel like all of that character development
led me here so now I can talk shit about it.
Quit drinking y'all. You'll be so much happier and
your energy will be so much more aligned if you choose better
habits every single day. And I, I love that and I want to
leave people with you can create any version of reality that you
want to inside of your life. And you are responsible for your
happiness and living the life that you want to live that makes
you truly happy. And big decisions and life
changing decisions are hard to fucking make.
And they always, you are always going to feel like it's going to
be really complicated and you don't know what you're going to
do. But I promise you that the
struggle to find your happiness is nothing compared to the
struggle that it is to live inside of something that you
know isn't right for you, that you're trying to force.
And things are always going to be fucking difficult before
they're better. And I can tell you that I
thought something was going to be so fucking difficult and I
would never look back in my whole entire life.
And the version that I am right now after making hard choices is
the best version I've ever fucking been of myself.
And I never knew that I could be this person.
And I had to make really hard choices.
And you guys can make whatever fucking choices for your reality
that you want to. You could fucking decide
tomorrow you're going to move to Cuba fucking flat ass broke.
Maybe that's not what you're going to do, but you fucking
could. So, you know, put that in your
straw and suck it and have a wonderful day.
We will see you all next time in motherfucking Candyland.
Bye, guys. Bye.
Uh huh. Yeah, you said she's so sweet,
man. Come on.
Like the rapper live Me like a lollipop.
Lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop,
lollipop. You want to swallow my spirit
and penetrate my aura? Taste.
All of my consciousness is obvious.
We're goddesses full of the divine femininity.