He says she's so sweet, man. Come on and let the rapper me
like a lollipop lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop,
lollipop, lollipop, lollipop. What's up everybody?
Welcome back to Candy Land with Rampage and myself.
We are really loving you guys sending us in questions and
different topics that you want us to discuss.
And this week there were a lot about parenting and kids and
just different questions. So I actually wanted to start
off with talking with you. What role do you think
spirituality and personal beliefs play and how people cope
with pregnancy loss? And how can these perspectives
shape the healing process? I honestly try to believe
everything happens for a mysterious reason.
I think that people use that term in situations where it's
very sensitive. I think women have so much
societal pressure on them to be a mom, to want to be a mom, to
be a good mom, to provide for the home and all of that.
So I do think that society's structures for children and
teenagers is very centered around becoming a parent.
Like when you're a baby, you get given a baby, a baby doll, you
know what I mean? So I think as a young, like
young child, I always saw myself being a mom by now and then, you
know, I just really don't know where I'm at with that right
now. Like, I don't know where I'm at
with it, mainly because I believe that everything does
happen for a reason and when things don't go the way that you
want them to go, that there is some other purpose behind
things. So I would say that yes,
people's spiritual beliefs are definitely going to affect how
they're going to deal with a pregnancy loss or a miscarriage.
I also want to touch on people who have like stillborn babies,
you know, like there's a huge process when you actually give
birth to a sleeping baby. So I think that as a child it
was very centered in my life, like you've got to be a mom.
And then now as an adult, I'm not sure where I'm at with that.
Yeah, I mean, that makes sense too.
And you know, you we've talked before about how you have a very
specific like vision and road map for how things unfold in
your life and how you picture things and want things.
And so I feel like you being on the fence about that, you know,
with battling like what is societally expected of the woman
that's in her 30s versus like, where are you on this journey
right now? And is that something that even
fits into your life and, and how would you want that to go?
I think that my feelings have changed because last year I had
a miscarriage and you know, you never really think that you're
going to get pregnant. And then when you do, you never
really think that you're going to lose the baby.
You know, like I never thought that getting pregnant so
quickly. You all had sex one time coming
off a celibacy and literally got pregnant.
And I just never thought that I would lose the baby.
Like that wasn't even in my arena.
Like, I'm over here Googling like, you know, 10 centimeters
dilated or like babies born by C-section, not anything about a
miscarriage. So I think there's just a really
deep stigma around women and what happens with our body.
And I know that's a hot topic right now, but, you know, my
opinion is probably a lot different than someone else who
was growing up in a two person household with a mom and a dad.
You know, like I saw my mom struggle and be a single mom and
I also saw that same timeline flash before my eyes because the
person that I was with at the time wasn't a long term partner.
It was more of just like a, you know, an old friend, if you
will. And I feel like with that being
said, I never dreamed that that was gonna happen to me.
And then I never dreamed that I would lose the baby all in the
same stretch of time. I feel like as your friend, I'm
so sorry about like what you went through.
And obviously I knew the things going on while you were going
through them. And as your friend too, like I
saw the way that that person was showing up for you when you were
pregnant and like the things that you were needing.
And I saw so many, I saw you put everything onto your shoulders
and like make all of these plans in a way for you to be like
completely independent about it. Even though you did have this
other person, you had to be really independent about it.
And I hope that when it happens for you again, that you get to
experience like having support and like all of these things.
I've never experienced that. But like, that's something that
like everybody should, I feel like wish for their friends and
for people in their life that like when you do, you have like
a healthy partner to go in that with.
And I think that that's something that you really
envision in like your road map of what you're wanting things
for your life to look like. And that's something I'd love to
manifest for you is, you know, it not just just being you
experiencing that, but being like, you know, having a partner
in that because you really like you had friends during that, but
you really went through that by yourself.
And that was a really like a moment when you had to be like
really fucking strong. And I see you, you went through
so many things. You kept it together doing the
podcast stuff. You kept your business going.
You, you know, you were still working.
And that is not just as that difficult on your body because
it's a huge thing on your body, but on your soul.
And you know, you still being a healer and doing work for other
people and stuff, that was a huge moment of strength for you.
And if that hasn't been recognized and and shown back to
you, I just want you to know that that scene and and
validated. I really, really appreciate
that. Honestly, it was such a shocking
time you all like I knew I was pregnant.
I just knew it. I could feel it.
I started like Googling when I could take a pregnancy test and
it would show up and like keep in mind me and this person like
it was just 4th of July. We just hooked up on 4th of
July. Little drinks, a little party.
You know what nothing like oh, we're talking, we're texting,
we're going to date. It was just, we have a history,
we've dated before. This is familiar.
We're going to have a good time and then go back to our life.
And then like 3 weeks went by and the whole time I'm like,
please don't be pregnant. Like please, like I don't want
this. Like this is not what I want
right now. And boom was So what was ironic
about it is like I knew that person was very immature and not
someone that I would want to date long term.
It was just someone that I have an emotional connection with.
Like we dated when we were in high school.
And I've said this before and you're experiencing this now.
When you date someone when you are in a developmental stage of
your life, like middle school to high school, your brain
chemistry just changes for that person.
Like they could be the worst person on earth, but your brain
is like seeing them at 12 years old.
You're like 14 years old. And so like this person and I
had such a strong history that now I see that this happened
because he was like a revolving door in my life.
Like a glass door. It just spins and it opens at
the same point every time. But it never fulfills you,
right? Like it's never giving you need.
I feel like, I feel like that is I feel like it's sad that that's
like the experience that you had to have with that, because I
feel like there can also be like so much comfort and growth
inside of like knowing somebody and then going and living your
own like life and experiences and then ending up growing back
on the same path. And I feel like that's what I
had hoped was happening for you. I had hoped that the growing
that you guys had done separately and then going back
to each other. I had hoped that for you that
was going to end up being like, wow, this person's really grown
and whatever. And especially because, you
know, we do believe in, you know, like energetic connections
happening for a reason and having people in our spaces for
a reason and, and meeting people again and whatever.
And I wish that that had been the experience that you could
have had because that would have been a fucking dope ass outcome.
Yeah, it really felt super faded, which is why I wanted to
express that. Just because something feels
aligned and you're excited about it and it feels like fate does
not mean that it is. Like that is the test in itself
is can I surrender into this moment and let it unfold however
it's supposed to unfold? And I think that that was the
biggest test because this person knew the old me.
Like the person that would show up at their house and bust a
window out or is not just going to let you ghost me after a
miscarriage. Like, I thought when I reached
out to this person and told them I was pregnant, that that would
be the end of the conversation. But no, this person was like, I
want to be there. I want to be a dad, I want to go
to the doctor. I want to be with you.
So, like, they fed on me all this bullshit.
And what really hurt the most is I went to the appointment to,
you know, figure out if I had a miscarriage, which I knew I felt
that I had because, you know, once you started bleeding and
you're not supposed to be bleeding, like I knew something
was wrong. And I went to the doctor and I
just could tell that his energy had changed.
It was just like, he didn't even offer to go with me.
He wasn't even trying to like support me.
He was like, I'm at work. My phone's going to die.
We'll talk later. And that was literally like some
of the last words that this person said to me.
And I feel like, you know, I've talked to some people that are
like friends from high school that know this person that knew
us when we dated each other. And she was really real when she
said it probably would have hurt you a lot less if it was some
random person that you hooked up with and got pregnant because
you would have been more hopeful and glad that that miscarriage
occurred. But instead, you and this person
have deep, deep feelings and deep, deep energy and a
connection. And she said, and I can't
imagine how that makes you feel knowing now who the person is
because I told her who it was. And honestly, this person isn't
a good person. They have nothing to for me,
they're they're just really not a good person.
But I have a soft spot for them because I see who they used to
be before life, you know, chewed them up and spit them up.
And that's my fault. Like that's my fault.
Allowing people into my world when they're really not at the
level that I need them to be at, just because of that history.
I don't think that it's a fault. I think that you see people's
potential and good in them and you support that and you've seen
a version of them that is somebody that like you love and
respect and appreciate. And so when you come back into
contact with them again, you're like, damn, like, you know, you
give it a chance for them to still be that person.
It's different. Like it, it's different when
you're an adult and you have, you know, responsibilities in
these different things and that person isn't at the maturity
level that you are or has the same values and needs and, and
things that you're wanting. And absolutely, if you're
getting fucking, not only did you get left to go to the doctor
by yourself, you fucking got ghosted.
You went through like when we're saying you went through that
entire thing by yourself, It was a no call, no text, no fucking.
It went from I'm fucking balls in in this to you can't get a
hold of me and I have disappeared.
And that is like so shitty that you went through that.
Yeah, like the person literally, like when I was pregnant was
just like right there, glued up my ass.
But it was like the moment that the miscarriage occurred, he
just was like, I'm out. And what was weird about it is I
personally really didn't see it coming at all.
And this person is really, he's like a fear based person.
Like he very much thinks that we are going through a civil war.
He very much thinks that he needs to learn how to fight a
bear. Like he very much thinks that he
doesn't need to save money or pay taxes or do any of those
things because it's not going to matter.
He's very much someone who would have been doomsday prepping for
2012 and then nothing happened. Like he's not in reality.
And he prides himself on being aside from society, like he
prides himself on working under the table or not having a real
tax paying job or like whatever it is.
And like I said, I wasn't sitting down trying to date this
dude or marry this dude. You know, we have a sentimental
connection where I can be like weird and silly with him and
like be myself without judgement, fear or like, you
know, it was supposed. To be a booty call.
It wasn't supposed to be a relationship.
Yes, so at the same time he wasn't signing up for it, but
then when he acted all in going to the doctor, he had a whole
list of baby names that he was sending to me like that shit
fucks with my head, you know like I know he is an avoidant
attachment style person. So this was very on brand for
him, but I just never expected him to be there when the baby
was there and then when the baby was gone to not be there.
I almost expected it to be opposite, you know what I mean?
Like not there when the baby was coming, but then like after the
baby wasn't coming. I don't know.
But he's one of those people that he gets into his fear
mongering and into his negativity, and he probably sees
this as a punishment because he doesn't deserve it.
And he also said that, you know, that I am so much better than
him and that he felt bad that I was going to be chained to a
loser for 18 years. So honestly, I think he's doing
me a favor because I am very forgiving and I am very
compassionate and sensitive. And I do very much make excuses
for people that I love. And that's why I do have to be
careful about people that I let close to me.
But this is like, you know, I only have two exes that I ever
really cared about and both of them have gotten cycled and
rotated out this past year. So I'm like a free agent.
Like I don't did a cord cutting. And I'm a free agent.
I don't feel like a whole another level.
But you know, what's weird about grief is I didn't want to be a
mom. I wasn't ready for that.
Like I was like, oh, I'm not going to give up my sports car.
Oh, I'm not moving. Oh, I don't want this.
Oh, I don't want to do that. Oh, we're not gonna have a
nursery or a baby room. Like, no, the baby will just
have a bassinet. Like, I was very much trying to,
like, plug and play the baby and not really like, OK, I'm gonna
nest and, like, be ready and give up one of my two free
bedrooms for this child. I was like, oh, no, they don't
need that. Like they don't.
Need yeah, but that's you. Those things come I feel like
either really late into your pregnancy or after the baby's
already come. Like I didn't, I didn't even
have those things like when I was pregnant with Mac, like it
was months and months after I had Mac before.
I felt like, oh fuck, I'm a parent now.
And like I have to do these things.
And you know, that's why you would have somebody else there
who like, you know, that's why you have a partner.
So that ideally there's somebody else who's like, oh shit, you're
going through all these fucking crazy hormone changes and all
these other things. This is the way to like step up
and support you, you know. Yes.
That would be an ideal world. I will say that I wanted nothing
to do with him, like long term, but then once my hormones like,
because they say that when you're pregnant by someone that
like their DNA changes your DNA and like your DNA is hiding and
it's changing my DNA. And something about it was like
convincing me this was going to work and that it was going to be
great. So I don't know if that was
delusion or what, but it really felt like the universe was like,
you need to close this door with this person.
You're not going to do it on your own.
Let's make you all think. It's very faded.
It's very just like divine timing, like you've been brought
together because we conceived on a full moon, the Cancer full
moon. Just some weird shit.
Like just weird ass shit like that.
No, it wasn't the Cancer full moon.
It was Cancer season and the full moon.
But moral of that story is like, I do think that the universe was
teaching me a huge lesson about allowing people from the past to
taint my progress. And that would be how you go
going back to that question that would be a part of like yours
hoping through it, through your spirituality or whatnot is
finding out like what was the blessing and lesson in it?
And like, what were you supposed to learn and how do you move
forward with that? There are a lot of people who
can't analyze things like that. They can't what you're doing
where you're able to look at it and go, this wasn't the best for
me, ABC and D, this was the lesson.
This was whatever. So many people can't do that.
And that's where like they get really stuck in their head and
like the mental how stuff starts to come out and it's, it's
easier for somebody to go through something like that and
make it a reason why they can't function and do the things that
they need to do as opposed to turning around and going, well,
I still got shit. I have to go fuck up.
So like, I'm going to cry about it and give myself 48 hours and
then I'm going to put my fucking boots on and keep it pushing.
Yeah, I, like, listen to a lot of podcasts about like, how to
cope with a miscarriage and how to, like, handle that.
And, you know, honestly, I think hearing a lot of women talk
about, like, the shame that they felt like towards their body.
But for me, I really didn't feel shame.
I felt relieved, which made me feel guilty that I felt relieved
that it was the way that it was unfolding that way.
But I wonder if I'll ever post it.
But like when I got out of the doctor that day, I made a video
of me just hysterical, which I never ever record myself crying.
And I'm just like talking to my phone about the situation and
it's like super emotional. I've never went back and
listened to it. I don't know what it says, but I
thought to myself, like, will I ever share that moment with
anyone? Like, I don't know, I think, you
know, I'm an only child. My mom's an only child.
My grandmother's an only child. Like, you know, I don't have
like, a lot of people to lean on.
But, you know, I do think that the biggest blessing was
removing that person from my life.
Because if you don't have the courtesy to say hey.
I know I don't know what you're going through.
I'm sorry I can't really be there for you.
I'm trying to deal with it on my own, you know, just something.
But to say we'll talk about it and then to just never talk
about it. Seven months go by like you kind
of got me fucked up. He didn't talk to you for seven
months. He still never talked to me.
We have never talked. The last thing he said to me is
we will talk about this when I get home, babe, that's.
I would throw eggs at his fucking house and slash, that's
what. I'm saying like, that's how I
know I've grown because I bet he watched over his shoulder for at
least three months after that, like at his.
Buck Page. But then again, he's not a good
person. He's not someone I would have
wanted to invoke a child. You know, I look back at it and
I was very much delusioned in thinking that a baby would fix
things. Like, oh, I'll just have a baby.
Like I don't need a man. Like I've always thought that in
my head, like, I'm independent, I don't need you.
But then when it's happening, I see how much a woman really does
need a true partner that's going to support and like, be there
for you, not someone who's just going to sleep through the night
and make you deal with everything.
Especially because women don't think about postpartum recovery.
Like if you do have to have AC section if there is
complications, you know, So I'm very much a very positive
person, but those pregnancy hormones put me straight into
fear. And now I see why mothers live
in fear. And now I'm like, I just don't
know if I want to be a mother. Like, I don't know if I want my
heart walking around outside of my body and be worried all the
time because that just isn't working.
Like the moment I started feeling that I was like hell to
the gnaw. This sucks because all of a
sudden I'm worried about my vagina dilating to a waffle.
I'm worried about what's going to happen.
You know I had the worst fucking racist ass doctor.
Like he's always been my OBGYN but we go to the doctor that
first day. I'm like 3 days pregnant at this
point, like 1/2 a day pregnant and he's like that tattoo on
your stomach if you have to have AC section, we're cutting
through that. I'm sorry Sir, I just got into
your office. I just came in for the first
time. What the fuck do you what are
you talking about? Like that's what I understand
about the healthcare place as they tell you all shit so that
your brain dwells on it and manifest it and that's what
bothered me. So there were certain things
that like I refused to do when I was pregnant with Mac because I
felt like it was like a lot of fear based shit being pushed.
One of them was like the diabetes glucose test thing.
And I know that I get sick every time I drink fucking or eat a
bunch of really sugary stuff and I refused.
I knew I wasn't diabetic. I wasn't having any fucking
symptoms. What I was not going to do was
sit in there, fucking drink this drink and then be waiting for
somebody to tell me good news, bad news.
I also didn't do, they do like genetic testing for you to
figure out if like your baby's going to have Down syndrome or
something like that. I refused to do that test.
I didn't want any fucking part of that test because I knew that
I, I wasn't going to do anything about it.
I wasn't going to not have my kid or anything.
So I just decided there was no fucking point in taking that
test because whatever the outcome was, was going to be the
fucking outcome. Yeah, I mean, this goes back
into like, knowing who you're going to have a kid with.
Because when we were in there and they were like, do you want
that test? He was like, yeah, we're getting
that test. And like, literally would not
let it go. And he was like, Are you sure?
Because if you find something's wrong with your baby, like your
only option is to abort it or to know that you're having a baby
with Down syndrome. And this person that I was with
was like Oh yeah we would abort it.
No we wouldn't have. That's what I'm saying.
But you really need to know who the fuck you all are hooking up
with on Tinder or at from the mall or from work or wherever
because I'm telling you these mother fuckers ain't shit.
Like just let me just get down the list of why people ain't
shit. This man had the audacity to be
like your boobs are so nice. I hope the baby doesn't fuck
them up. So in the days I was pregnant
between you and this fucking white man doctor, that's the
shit y'all are saying to me. Like it makes me enraged.
Like I have female rage in a way that I had never had before,
ever. Yeah, I still support you
sloshing his tires, but I'm toxic so don't follow my advice.
Honestly, I feel like it's so funny because the couple months
that we were dating and that we were talking, my like business
was just like stagnant. But the very moment that I had
the miscarriage and dropped his ass, I'm talking you that very
next month, I made more money in my business and I had made all
year long combined. I mean yes, the queen did re
share my interview on her Spotify and platforms, but
still, I know the universe was working in my favor because the
moment I dropped his ass, the moment I did a cord cutting
spirit was like, here's $7000 if if you need it, here's
everything you need. And then it's crazy because like
when I look back on that, like I was literally about to take on a
child and a bum all it was. And a bum.
Oh my God, I feel like you talked to me, you know, when you
guys had reconnected or whatever, you found out that you
were pregnant and so he was hanging around and you were very
open about like this was a booty call.
Now I'm pregnant now I'm trying to like figure this out or
whatever. And I feel like the things that
you were being told were all the right things.
The there wasn't time for there to be any action behind things.
So I do feel like you're being a bit hard on yourself in certain
ways about like, you know, you should have known better and you
need to like have boundaries up with this type of energy and you
take care of people and you're a good person.
I feel like there wasn't enough time between you finding out
that you were pregnant and you thinking about the ways for you
to step up and then this person being able to catch up.
Like he you have all of the your business and all of these things
established for yourself. And that person didn't have any
of that beforehand kind of got thrown into the position of
having to figure it out. And you know, that's where like
when you have moments like that, that's where somebody those are
tower moments. We talk about those in tarot.
Like that's the opportunity for somebody to either step the fuck
up and be like, wow, like my whole life is changing.
I need to really get this in gear and step up in their life
or do what he did and be like, yeah, I'm going to step up, but
this is too fucking much and oh good, I have an out because you
lost the baby. Let me go and fuck off and never
answer your text messages or your phone calls ever again.
And I don't feel like that is all a lesson for you.
I feel like there's a lot of lesson in that that was for him.
And that's something that like on his spirit and in his
conscience and whatever he has to live with the fact that like
you grew up together and you have all of this history
together and he fucking abandoned you at a time when you
were like needing him. And that isn't, that's not all
your fucking lesson. That's his lesson, too.
Yeah, I think also I just feel like I should know better
because I'm the one that has actively spent a lot of time on
self actualization and healing and reflection and things like.
That part of your healing? Journey yeah now that I look
back at it though, I think the real test was not turning into
the person that I used to be and not busting the windows out of
his house cuz that's literally was like when my hormones were
raging because it says that after you have a miscarriage, it
could take three to six months for your hormones to completely
regulate back out to normal. So I've just like kind of
reached that point not too long ago and I am really glad that I
did not act on the rage even though I'm still raged even
though every day I'm like fuck him fuck you kind of thing.
I still don't wish him bad. I still like I hope the mother
fucker goes to therapy and gets help because that's really what
he needs. And you know, his mom was a
crackhead. She overdosed and died or a pee.
His dad's a fucking idiot and never been in his life and he
was raised by his grandparents and his grandma has babied him
and allowed him to stay like on the family phone bill or
whatever it may be and like all the things.
So it's a part of his journey to understand that he had an
opportunity, like you said, to level up with or without a baby
in the picture, and he chose not to.
So yeah, I think that I, I know 'cause I am the best thing
that's ever happened to a lot of people.
And I will that with pride. I'm sure he thinks about it.
I mean, what else does he have to think about?
Yeah, I, I don't know when it's going to come into play that
like, he has to reflect on that and think about that.
Because you would think that if that was the case and that he
was thinking about it now and wanting to use it as like an
option for him to elevate and grow, that he would reach out to
you. But maybe he has realized that
maybe the best thing in the situation is for him to just
like, continue fucking off because it's been this long.
I I mean, after seven months of that, would you even want to
hear anything? I would never.
I would just I would never want to hear anything again in my
entire life. I'd be like, that was your
opportunity and your chance. Fucking every single month makes
me more enraged is how I would. Feel.
Yeah. I mean, I feel like I never
dreamed that it would be seven months later and still no
closure. And I think that's why I, like,
I'm finally ready to talk about it.
And like, it was so embarrassing to tell people who know both of
us who it was. And that's a problem.
Like, and another thing like this person said to me was,
yeah, if only your followers or your podcast listeners knew who
you really were. And it really brought back like
a like a trigger from another client who is being blackmailed
by an ex. So it's like I don't like that,
like just even that processing in your brain like that you have
some dirt on me or like some history that people wouldn't
like. Like I've told people who the
fuck I was. But when I look back at it, like
me and this person when I was the most destructive version of
myself at like 19, that's when we were together, like full
blown together. Like me and this person have
done the dumbest shit. Like I'm going to just tell you
all something so he could never use this against me.
We, we used to do pills, OK, pills were cool, Xanax tabs,
like whatever. We created a system where we
would write fake scripts and they looked really look legit
and we would just tell people that we didn't have the money to
get them filled. This is so fucked up.
So we would be like, I have 100 Xanax bars at Walgreens, but I
don't have the $82 to get them filled.
And the person would give us the $82 and we would get like 10
people to do that and then we would have $820.
No one has 100 Xanax bars prescribed to them, but they
would think that we were going to give them like half of the
script for paying for it. So that's what he thought he was
going to use against me. So I'm just going to let you all
know, I was kind of like a low key finessing.
I wasn't really a crackhead. I was just more like, I, I just
finessed people. I just finessed people.
You all. OK, but for somebody to I, I
just think it's comical because I've also been told like if
people knew who you were and I'm like, I, I literally talk about
who the fuck I am, my thoughts, opinions and things that I've
been through and I get fucking paid to do it.
So you who nobody knows, are welcome to go out and say
whatever the fuck you would like to.
But like Google me, bitch. I have seasons under me.
Like you know what I mean? So you've been very open about
the addiction that you've gone through and and different shit.
And for somebody, I think that it is such a low and I want to
say immature, but that doesn't even like scratch the fucking
surface for somebody to ever weaponize and use your past and
an old versions of you against you.
I think it is fucking gross. You've put in so much work and
so much energy to become a different version of yourself
that who you are right now and how you're showing up and the
person that you are and that you want to be should be what people
are focusing on. And I feel that way for
everybody. Everybody has a fucking past.
I've been fucking. I used to be a fucking
manipulative little bitch. Like I, I understand all of
these things. We all have been versions of
ourselves that we are not happy about.
We've learned, hopefully we've learned from them and we're in
different positions now and have goals to be improving and be
doing better. And who you are in the moment
and how you're fucking showing up and what you're doing and
putting energy into should be what's being focused on.
And I think that it's bullshit that somebody who has had a like
romantic past with you, especially, and there's been
that connection there that they would want to bring out a
version of you from 19 that was addicted and trying to like get
money from people and, and do different things.
And, and going through that, everybody's a fucking asshole at
19 years old. Like every single person is
going through something at 19 years old.
And that version should never fucking be brought up to be.
What's the point of that, by the way?
Like what would be the point of I'm going to tell everybody
about you, what's that going to do?
Is it so that it shuts down your business so that like you, you
struggle like that? That part to me, I'm like,
where's the fucking logic? And you using your energy to try
and convince people about something.
And I always believe that if you have to fucking recruit people
to not like me, I'm, I'm doing fine.
And honestly, that's what didn't even make sense because it's
like, I'm trying to be with you. We have a kid on the way.
Why would you even say some shit like that?
Like it was almost. While you were pregnant.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Like he just. Kind of pulsed it around, like
if if only people really knew who you were or like whatever.
But I've been very vocal that I have done every street drug that
you could think. Every single one of them, you
can name them off the list. I've done them all except
fentanyl because that came out after I got sober.
But other than that, like heroin, your girl's done it.
I've never used needles, but I've done heroin and people
don't even think that about me. And that's fine.
I'm not trying to pretend to be something I'm not.
Like when Bunny said her friend had a gun in her pussy and it
shocked me on the podcast. It doesn't mean that I'm like an
Angel of fluff. You know, like, I kept my
addictions concealed because I grew up in a household that did
the same thing. Like, you don't tell people what
goes on on the inside of your home.
And I grew up like that. So, you know, going through
things like that to me was like supernatural.
I mean, everyone in my family did pills.
Even when I wasn't addicted to pills, I was still exposed to
them. Like my mom would be like, oh,
your head hurts. Here's a half a tab when she
clearly could have just given me Tylenol, you know?
But instead she's like, oh, here's a Lortab.
Oh, here's a Xanax, you're stressing.
Here's a Xanax. You know, so it's weird a person
that's watched me in all phases, but they've basically stayed the
same in a way. And it and it's like when the
baby was coming, it was like, I don't really know who he was
because it wasn't who I expected, you know, so it's like
the real him is how he's acting now.
And that's what I have to keep reminding myself that like what
happens if something was wrong with our baby?
What happens if something was difficult, if something really
needed medical attention or something really needed to
happen? Could I depend on him to be
there? Like this man was more worried
about his two fucking dogs than he was hardly anything else.
And I'll be honest, you all the last time I saw him and when I
was still pregnant, I met his dogs.
And when I left his house, I was like, there's no fucking way I
can live with those dogs. Like no fucking way I can
cohabitate, like habitate with those dogs.
And so I know the universe was like answering prayers because
deep down, there was just no way that it was going to work.
And it was going to basically put me on the timeline of being
a single mom with a deadbeat dad, deadbeat baby dad.
And I don't want to have a child with someone that I call baby
dad. Like I want a child's father or
I don't want one. I don't want a baby dad.
I don't want my boyfriend won't get a real job so he doesn't
have to pay child support or he won't do this or that.
Like, you know, that's what I am like most afraid of now of like
opening up the door to new connection.
Because after that experience, I was like, oh, I got to get back
on birth control. And then after I thought about
it, I was like, or we'll just go back to being celibate and I'm
going to make you all literally rise to the occasion or don't
even talk to me. Like I have decentered dating.
I don't care. I don't care if I'm 40 and hot
and no boyfriend and no child. I don't give a fuck.
Like I used to care about that, but now that it's happened and
it's been removed, I see that no one knows what the fuck they're
doing. Only people who want to support
each other and want to be a parent will be a parent.
It doesn't matter how many kids they got.
Just like I don't like Elon Musk but he won't even pay child
support. He's a fucking billionaire.
Like mental illness. It's mental illness to think a
woman should have to take care of your spawn and give it your
last name. Mental illness and people who
choose to work under the table, sell drugs, have a fraudulent
business so they don't have to pay child support or insurance
for their kid should be shot. We should bring back public
shaming and you should be shot and I don't care.
Like I have no sympathy for people who don't want to take
care of their kids. I'm sorry you should be shot.
Just go out in the field free range.
You know, you were talking about how, you know, he his mom Od'd
and he didn't have a dad and he was raised by his grandparents
and whatever. And I always talk about the fact
that people can use the things that they've gone through to be
a reason why they can't do better, why they are where they
are. Well, I'm this person because
this is how I grew up. Well, I can't be a dad because I
didn't have a dad. And, you know, all these things
are somebody takes those moments and they go, OK, well, I didn't
have this, so this is who I'm going to be or I didn't, I
didn't have this vision. And so this is who I'm going to
be and what I'm going to do. And that can go in a positive or
negative direction. Like I'm, you know, coming to
terms with the fact that like, hey, I stayed inside of a
marriage that I wasn't happy and with somebody that I wasn't
happy to be with. And, you know, I left and came
back so many different times because I didn't have a two
parent household. And I thought that it the most
important thing was to have a two parent household.
And you know, you witnessed all of this addiction and people
going through these things while you were growing up.
And so for you that turned into, well, I have an addiction and I
keep it secret. For me, I was surrounded by
people who were struggling and having addiction and all of
these things and. And I got abused by those
people. And so for me, my coping
mechanism was to turn a blind eye and act like none of these
things were happening. And like, that is something that
like I have to cope with now that I'm adult and, and, you
know, things are unfolding, I have to realize like, wow, my
trauma response was to just like fucking not be present and not
realize that that was happening. And that's on me.
That's on like me to go to therapy or whatever for, you
know, like that's for me to fucking work through.
And it's so interesting how we adapt to our environments and we
all adapt differently. And it's our responsibility to
figure out like, well, how am I allowing past versions of me or
past situations that I've been through affect who I am, but
also how I treat other people, how I do other things.
He didn't, his traumas and his inability to to grow didn't just
affect him in that it affected you had you actually had a full
pregnancy and and and had a baby, it would have affected
that baby. It would have been something
that like maybe that affects future generations down the line
too, because now that kid has to process through all those
things. So I would, I would never tell
you like, Oh, I understand why that happened and that had a
purpose. Like I, those aren't words that
I would ever say. If that's something that you're
feeling in your spirit, like and that makes sense for you, I
support that for you. But I also, I think that
whenever you're ready, like if you ever decide that you want to
be a parent, whether it be that you end up having the
relationship that you have in your fucking mind of like
perfection and what you need, I hope you have that.
If it ends up changing and you're like, I don't know, I can
go and do and you know, get inseminated or whatever the
fuck, like I support that for you too.
I Whatever it ends up being, if you decide to never have fucking
kids, like whatever that is, I think that you're going to be
amazing at whatever fucking road and whatever's thrown at you
will be exactly what it's supposed to be.
I just feel like growing up the way that I did, I turned out
great for the situation. Like, you know, being exposed to
things that are really young age, I know my mom feels a lot
of shame about that. Like we talked about it before
and then she wrote me and was like, why are you bashing me on
your podcast? And I'm like, I'm not bashing
you, it's just my experience. But she feels a lot of shame in
the ways that she handled things because her dad passed when she
was 11 from drinking and driving.
So at 11, her whole life changed.
So when I turned 11, she started to treat me like an adult and
letting me do adult things. So, you know, I look around and
I just don't want to set my kid up in a sense of like needing to
heal from shit that isn't their fault.
And with the more I looked into it, like you said, like that
person would have been influencing my child or our
child with their beliefs and their just negativity, they're a
very negative person. And I just don't like that.
Like now I see the fault in allowing people from your past
to hold space in the new version of your life.
Like honestly, if I hold new strangers to some utopian
standard, why the fuck am I allowing someone like that to
come in and hold power over me? And I think that was a lesson
about like being comfortable and being challenged.
And I see where I was comfortable, but then created a
challenge because you're not meant to be comfortable all the
time. You're not meant to go back to
someone who's familiar all the time.
Maybe you are, maybe you're not. But so many people run backwards
rather than even trying to look forward.
Like they just are. Like, oh, I can't see in front
of me. I'm just going to keep looking
behind me. And then you've got other types
of people that want to hold the old version of you hostage,
like, oh, if only people knew who you are.
Oh, if people only we knew that. OK, I'll air myself out.
Like, you know, that's what I love about this generation of
women is we don't give a fuck. OK, I started cocaine.
OK, OK. What do you think about it?
You know what I mean? Like, OK, someone put their
butthole on the Internet. What are you going to do about
it? Like, triggering men is almost
like one of my new favorite pastimes.
And I think just women thriving, making their own money and being
happy is such a trigger for men that decentering you all has
been easy. On that note, I'm going to read
us the human design card. We got card 26 for the lens.
I feel like this is really going to be about looking at things
from a different perspective. The gift is perspective, the
sign is Sagittarius, the gift is perspective, and the shadow is
Ego. The gift cannot be found through
shaming or Rep or repressing the ego, but only by seeing the
beauty that it holds. Intention is the key.
When you're able to look inward and unlock the door to your
inherent gifts, you may utilize unique qualities of your
personality for the betterment of the collective.
Whether savvy or witty or enchanting, you can hold
another's attention and help them to see the world through
new eyes. You help to carve out a new wave
forward by simply being yourself and showcasing your thoughtful,
heart centered perspective. Our collective has emerged from
the depths of survival mode, and because we've built our
civilization from this basis, much of the way that we think
and operate is still indicative of our roots.
As such, Ego Is Prime is primarily at the centerfold of
our experience. This shadow creates an illusion
that the only route to success is through hard work, individual
will, and selfish gain. You cannot combat divine forces.
We mistakenly believe that brute force is the only way out or up
or through, when in fact it's what keeps us locked in the
never ending cycle of the survival mindset and the broken
record of separation and clashing egos.
Your themes are Personality, Perspective, and breakthrough.
And this episode has been a breakthrough because I have been
bottling this up with, you know, mixed emotions and feelings.
So it feels really good to just, like, air it out.
It's out there for the world. No one can hold shit over my
head if I tell you all first. Facts.
So we'll see you all next time in motherfuking Candyland.
Bye. Bye.
Yeah, he says. She's so sweet, man.
Come on. Like a rapper Live me like a
lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop.
He want to live me like a lollipop, lollipop, lollipop.
He want to swallow my spirit.