1 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:14,000 He says she's so sweet, man. Come on and let the rapper me 2 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:20,800 like a lollipop lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, 3 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:27,960 lollipop, lollipop, lollipop. What's up everybody? 4 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:32,200 Welcome back to Candy Land with Rampage and myself. 5 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,560 We are really loving you guys sending us in questions and 6 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,160 different topics that you want us to discuss. 7 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:45,480 And this week there were a lot about parenting and kids and 8 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,840 just different questions. So I actually wanted to start 9 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:55,240 off with talking with you. What role do you think 10 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:59,360 spirituality and personal beliefs play and how people cope 11 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,440 with pregnancy loss? And how can these perspectives 12 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:07,960 shape the healing process? I honestly try to believe 13 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:11,040 everything happens for a mysterious reason. 14 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:16,360 I think that people use that term in situations where it's 15 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:20,360 very sensitive. I think women have so much 16 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:25,760 societal pressure on them to be a mom, to want to be a mom, to 17 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,160 be a good mom, to provide for the home and all of that. 18 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:34,400 So I do think that society's structures for children and 19 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:38,160 teenagers is very centered around becoming a parent. 20 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,920 Like when you're a baby, you get given a baby, a baby doll, you 21 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,840 know what I mean? So I think as a young, like 22 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:52,040 young child, I always saw myself being a mom by now and then, you 23 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:56,120 know, I just really don't know where I'm at with that right 24 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,480 now. Like, I don't know where I'm at 25 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,960 with it, mainly because I believe that everything does 26 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,440 happen for a reason and when things don't go the way that you 27 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:08,880 want them to go, that there is some other purpose behind 28 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,880 things. So I would say that yes, 29 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:15,000 people's spiritual beliefs are definitely going to affect how 30 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,200 they're going to deal with a pregnancy loss or a miscarriage. 31 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:23,480 I also want to touch on people who have like stillborn babies, 32 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:27,680 you know, like there's a huge process when you actually give 33 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:33,080 birth to a sleeping baby. So I think that as a child it 34 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:36,160 was very centered in my life, like you've got to be a mom. 35 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,400 And then now as an adult, I'm not sure where I'm at with that. 36 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,080 Yeah, I mean, that makes sense too. 37 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,200 And you know, you we've talked before about how you have a very 38 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:52,960 specific like vision and road map for how things unfold in 39 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,640 your life and how you picture things and want things. 40 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:59,440 And so I feel like you being on the fence about that, you know, 41 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:03,280 with battling like what is societally expected of the woman 42 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:07,880 that's in her 30s versus like, where are you on this journey 43 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,440 right now? And is that something that even 44 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,120 fits into your life and, and how would you want that to go? 45 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:19,960 I think that my feelings have changed because last year I had 46 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:24,280 a miscarriage and you know, you never really think that you're 47 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,440 going to get pregnant. And then when you do, you never 48 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,040 really think that you're going to lose the baby. 49 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:35,280 You know, like I never thought that getting pregnant so 50 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,640 quickly. You all had sex one time coming 51 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,280 off a celibacy and literally got pregnant. 52 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,480 And I just never thought that I would lose the baby. 53 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,360 Like that wasn't even in my arena. 54 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:50,240 Like, I'm over here Googling like, you know, 10 centimeters 55 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:55,720 dilated or like babies born by C-section, not anything about a 56 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,280 miscarriage. So I think there's just a really 57 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:05,080 deep stigma around women and what happens with our body. 58 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,320 And I know that's a hot topic right now, but, you know, my 59 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,920 opinion is probably a lot different than someone else who 60 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:15,440 was growing up in a two person household with a mom and a dad. 61 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:21,040 You know, like I saw my mom struggle and be a single mom and 62 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:26,400 I also saw that same timeline flash before my eyes because the 63 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:31,080 person that I was with at the time wasn't a long term partner. 64 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,760 It was more of just like a, you know, an old friend, if you 65 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,800 will. And I feel like with that being 66 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,160 said, I never dreamed that that was gonna happen to me. 67 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,080 And then I never dreamed that I would lose the baby all in the 68 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:50,680 same stretch of time. I feel like as your friend, I'm 69 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,880 so sorry about like what you went through. 70 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,640 And obviously I knew the things going on while you were going 71 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,160 through them. And as your friend too, like I 72 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:04,200 saw the way that that person was showing up for you when you were 73 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,640 pregnant and like the things that you were needing. 74 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:11,960 And I saw so many, I saw you put everything onto your shoulders 75 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,880 and like make all of these plans in a way for you to be like 76 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,200 completely independent about it. Even though you did have this 77 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,000 other person, you had to be really independent about it. 78 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:31,400 And I hope that when it happens for you again, that you get to 79 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,840 experience like having support and like all of these things. 80 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,880 I've never experienced that. But like, that's something that 81 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:41,040 like everybody should, I feel like wish for their friends and 82 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,680 for people in their life that like when you do, you have like 83 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,320 a healthy partner to go in that with. 84 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,880 And I think that that's something that you really 85 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,880 envision in like your road map of what you're wanting things 86 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,680 for your life to look like. And that's something I'd love to 87 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,800 manifest for you is, you know, it not just just being you 88 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,880 experiencing that, but being like, you know, having a partner 89 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,960 in that because you really like you had friends during that, but 90 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,280 you really went through that by yourself. 91 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,280 And that was a really like a moment when you had to be like 92 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:13,680 really fucking strong. And I see you, you went through 93 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,200 so many things. You kept it together doing the 94 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,280 podcast stuff. You kept your business going. 95 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,040 You, you know, you were still working. 96 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,840 And that is not just as that difficult on your body because 97 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,360 it's a huge thing on your body, but on your soul. 98 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:30,440 And you know, you still being a healer and doing work for other 99 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:33,640 people and stuff, that was a huge moment of strength for you. 100 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:37,880 And if that hasn't been recognized and and shown back to 101 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,800 you, I just want you to know that that scene and and 102 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,560 validated. I really, really appreciate 103 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,160 that. Honestly, it was such a shocking 104 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,080 time you all like I knew I was pregnant. 105 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,760 I just knew it. I could feel it. 106 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,600 I started like Googling when I could take a pregnancy test and 107 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,160 it would show up and like keep in mind me and this person like 108 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,880 it was just 4th of July. We just hooked up on 4th of 109 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,920 July. Little drinks, a little party. 110 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:06,680 You know what nothing like oh, we're talking, we're texting, 111 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,320 we're going to date. It was just, we have a history, 112 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,800 we've dated before. This is familiar. 113 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,040 We're going to have a good time and then go back to our life. 114 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,480 And then like 3 weeks went by and the whole time I'm like, 115 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,640 please don't be pregnant. Like please, like I don't want 116 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:22,960 this. Like this is not what I want 117 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:29,000 right now. And boom was So what was ironic 118 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,560 about it is like I knew that person was very immature and not 119 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,760 someone that I would want to date long term. 120 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,840 It was just someone that I have an emotional connection with. 121 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,640 Like we dated when we were in high school. 122 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:43,120 And I've said this before and you're experiencing this now. 123 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,800 When you date someone when you are in a developmental stage of 124 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,040 your life, like middle school to high school, your brain 125 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,040 chemistry just changes for that person. 126 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,240 Like they could be the worst person on earth, but your brain 127 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,480 is like seeing them at 12 years old. 128 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:01,240 You're like 14 years old. And so like this person and I 129 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:05,680 had such a strong history that now I see that this happened 130 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:09,000 because he was like a revolving door in my life. 131 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,800 Like a glass door. It just spins and it opens at 132 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:15,720 the same point every time. But it never fulfills you, 133 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,720 right? Like it's never giving you need. 134 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:24,520 I feel like, I feel like that is I feel like it's sad that that's 135 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:28,000 like the experience that you had to have with that, because I 136 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,600 feel like there can also be like so much comfort and growth 137 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,840 inside of like knowing somebody and then going and living your 138 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:41,240 own like life and experiences and then ending up growing back 139 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,240 on the same path. And I feel like that's what I 140 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:48,040 had hoped was happening for you. I had hoped that the growing 141 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:51,080 that you guys had done separately and then going back 142 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,240 to each other. I had hoped that for you that 143 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,760 was going to end up being like, wow, this person's really grown 144 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,520 and whatever. And especially because, you 145 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:05,240 know, we do believe in, you know, like energetic connections 146 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,960 happening for a reason and having people in our spaces for 147 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,240 a reason and, and meeting people again and whatever. 148 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,320 And I wish that that had been the experience that you could 149 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,960 have had because that would have been a fucking dope ass outcome. 150 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:22,080 Yeah, it really felt super faded, which is why I wanted to 151 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:26,320 express that. Just because something feels 152 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:31,040 aligned and you're excited about it and it feels like fate does 153 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,480 not mean that it is. Like that is the test in itself 154 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:39,200 is can I surrender into this moment and let it unfold however 155 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,120 it's supposed to unfold? And I think that that was the 156 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,400 biggest test because this person knew the old me. 157 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,200 Like the person that would show up at their house and bust a 158 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:53,920 window out or is not just going to let you ghost me after a 159 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,480 miscarriage. Like, I thought when I reached 160 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,240 out to this person and told them I was pregnant, that that would 161 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,960 be the end of the conversation. But no, this person was like, I 162 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,200 want to be there. I want to be a dad, I want to go 163 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,320 to the doctor. I want to be with you. 164 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,920 So, like, they fed on me all this bullshit. 165 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:13,840 And what really hurt the most is I went to the appointment to, 166 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,280 you know, figure out if I had a miscarriage, which I knew I felt 167 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,280 that I had because, you know, once you started bleeding and 168 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,200 you're not supposed to be bleeding, like I knew something 169 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,200 was wrong. And I went to the doctor and I 170 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,480 just could tell that his energy had changed. 171 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,120 It was just like, he didn't even offer to go with me. 172 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,880 He wasn't even trying to like support me. 173 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,360 He was like, I'm at work. My phone's going to die. 174 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,800 We'll talk later. And that was literally like some 175 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,920 of the last words that this person said to me. 176 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,360 And I feel like, you know, I've talked to some people that are 177 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,040 like friends from high school that know this person that knew 178 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,680 us when we dated each other. And she was really real when she 179 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:55,200 said it probably would have hurt you a lot less if it was some 180 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,960 random person that you hooked up with and got pregnant because 181 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:01,440 you would have been more hopeful and glad that that miscarriage 182 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,600 occurred. But instead, you and this person 183 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,720 have deep, deep feelings and deep, deep energy and a 184 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,360 connection. And she said, and I can't 185 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,320 imagine how that makes you feel knowing now who the person is 186 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,840 because I told her who it was. And honestly, this person isn't 187 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,040 a good person. They have nothing to for me, 188 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,000 they're they're just really not a good person. 189 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:25,720 But I have a soft spot for them because I see who they used to 190 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,640 be before life, you know, chewed them up and spit them up. 191 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,240 And that's my fault. Like that's my fault. 192 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:37,520 Allowing people into my world when they're really not at the 193 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,840 level that I need them to be at, just because of that history. 194 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:47,080 I don't think that it's a fault. I think that you see people's 195 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:53,640 potential and good in them and you support that and you've seen 196 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:57,560 a version of them that is somebody that like you love and 197 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,600 respect and appreciate. And so when you come back into 198 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,840 contact with them again, you're like, damn, like, you know, you 199 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,560 give it a chance for them to still be that person. 200 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,160 It's different. Like it, it's different when 201 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,360 you're an adult and you have, you know, responsibilities in 202 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:17,840 these different things and that person isn't at the maturity 203 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:22,400 level that you are or has the same values and needs and, and 204 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:26,560 things that you're wanting. And absolutely, if you're 205 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,920 getting fucking, not only did you get left to go to the doctor 206 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,720 by yourself, you fucking got ghosted. 207 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,920 You went through like when we're saying you went through that 208 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:42,040 entire thing by yourself, It was a no call, no text, no fucking. 209 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:47,360 It went from I'm fucking balls in in this to you can't get a 210 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,760 hold of me and I have disappeared. 211 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,000 And that is like so shitty that you went through that. 212 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:56,040 Yeah, like the person literally, like when I was pregnant was 213 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,760 just like right there, glued up my ass. 214 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,440 But it was like the moment that the miscarriage occurred, he 215 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:08,600 just was like, I'm out. And what was weird about it is I 216 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,360 personally really didn't see it coming at all. 217 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:17,480 And this person is really, he's like a fear based person. 218 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:21,000 Like he very much thinks that we are going through a civil war. 219 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,920 He very much thinks that he needs to learn how to fight a 220 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:26,400 bear. Like he very much thinks that he 221 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,840 doesn't need to save money or pay taxes or do any of those 222 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,200 things because it's not going to matter. 223 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,000 He's very much someone who would have been doomsday prepping for 224 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:39,120 2012 and then nothing happened. Like he's not in reality. 225 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:44,760 And he prides himself on being aside from society, like he 226 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,760 prides himself on working under the table or not having a real 227 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,960 tax paying job or like whatever it is. 228 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,480 And like I said, I wasn't sitting down trying to date this 229 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,560 dude or marry this dude. You know, we have a sentimental 230 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,960 connection where I can be like weird and silly with him and 231 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:04,320 like be myself without judgement, fear or like, you 232 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,840 know, it was supposed. To be a booty call. 233 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,560 It wasn't supposed to be a relationship. 234 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:13,320 Yes, so at the same time he wasn't signing up for it, but 235 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:17,120 then when he acted all in going to the doctor, he had a whole 236 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:20,600 list of baby names that he was sending to me like that shit 237 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:24,240 fucks with my head, you know like I know he is an avoidant 238 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,920 attachment style person. So this was very on brand for 239 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:31,600 him, but I just never expected him to be there when the baby 240 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,240 was there and then when the baby was gone to not be there. 241 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:38,160 I almost expected it to be opposite, you know what I mean? 242 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:42,040 Like not there when the baby was coming, but then like after the 243 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,240 baby wasn't coming. I don't know. 244 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,160 But he's one of those people that he gets into his fear 245 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,640 mongering and into his negativity, and he probably sees 246 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,400 this as a punishment because he doesn't deserve it. 247 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:58,440 And he also said that, you know, that I am so much better than 248 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,240 him and that he felt bad that I was going to be chained to a 249 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:04,400 loser for 18 years. So honestly, I think he's doing 250 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:10,080 me a favor because I am very forgiving and I am very 251 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:15,280 compassionate and sensitive. And I do very much make excuses 252 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,200 for people that I love. And that's why I do have to be 253 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,640 careful about people that I let close to me. 254 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,600 But this is like, you know, I only have two exes that I ever 255 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,560 really cared about and both of them have gotten cycled and 256 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:32,520 rotated out this past year. So I'm like a free agent. 257 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:36,480 Like I don't did a cord cutting. And I'm a free agent. 258 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,560 I don't feel like a whole another level. 259 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:43,040 But you know, what's weird about grief is I didn't want to be a 260 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,720 mom. I wasn't ready for that. 261 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,120 Like I was like, oh, I'm not going to give up my sports car. 262 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,560 Oh, I'm not moving. Oh, I don't want this. 263 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,040 Oh, I don't want to do that. Oh, we're not gonna have a 264 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:55,120 nursery or a baby room. Like, no, the baby will just 265 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,040 have a bassinet. Like, I was very much trying to, 266 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:02,200 like, plug and play the baby and not really like, OK, I'm gonna 267 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:06,480 nest and, like, be ready and give up one of my two free 268 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,600 bedrooms for this child. I was like, oh, no, they don't 269 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,520 need that. Like they don't. 270 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:14,760 Need yeah, but that's you. Those things come I feel like 271 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,600 either really late into your pregnancy or after the baby's 272 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:22,280 already come. Like I didn't, I didn't even 273 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:25,880 have those things like when I was pregnant with Mac, like it 274 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:29,040 was months and months after I had Mac before. 275 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,960 I felt like, oh fuck, I'm a parent now. 276 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,080 And like I have to do these things. 277 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:38,840 And you know, that's why you would have somebody else there 278 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,040 who like, you know, that's why you have a partner. 279 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:45,400 So that ideally there's somebody else who's like, oh shit, you're 280 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,840 going through all these fucking crazy hormone changes and all 281 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,480 these other things. This is the way to like step up 282 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,320 and support you, you know. Yes. 283 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:58,640 That would be an ideal world. I will say that I wanted nothing 284 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,920 to do with him, like long term, but then once my hormones like, 285 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,160 because they say that when you're pregnant by someone that 286 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:11,000 like their DNA changes your DNA and like your DNA is hiding and 287 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,160 it's changing my DNA. And something about it was like 288 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,440 convincing me this was going to work and that it was going to be 289 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,920 great. So I don't know if that was 290 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:23,480 delusion or what, but it really felt like the universe was like, 291 00:17:23,839 --> 00:17:25,760 you need to close this door with this person. 292 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,359 You're not going to do it on your own. 293 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,080 Let's make you all think. It's very faded. 294 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,800 It's very just like divine timing, like you've been brought 295 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,320 together because we conceived on a full moon, the Cancer full 296 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,000 moon. Just some weird shit. 297 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,520 Like just weird ass shit like that. 298 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,040 No, it wasn't the Cancer full moon. 299 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,080 It was Cancer season and the full moon. 300 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:48,760 But moral of that story is like, I do think that the universe was 301 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:53,640 teaching me a huge lesson about allowing people from the past to 302 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:58,680 taint my progress. And that would be how you go 303 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:03,200 going back to that question that would be a part of like yours 304 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,080 hoping through it, through your spirituality or whatnot is 305 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,040 finding out like what was the blessing and lesson in it? 306 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,760 And like, what were you supposed to learn and how do you move 307 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,600 forward with that? There are a lot of people who 308 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,480 can't analyze things like that. They can't what you're doing 309 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:24,600 where you're able to look at it and go, this wasn't the best for 310 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,840 me, ABC and D, this was the lesson. 311 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,760 This was whatever. So many people can't do that. 312 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:33,320 And that's where like they get really stuck in their head and 313 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,440 like the mental how stuff starts to come out and it's, it's 314 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:40,840 easier for somebody to go through something like that and 315 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:44,200 make it a reason why they can't function and do the things that 316 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,080 they need to do as opposed to turning around and going, well, 317 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:48,960 I still got shit. I have to go fuck up. 318 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,000 So like, I'm going to cry about it and give myself 48 hours and 319 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,040 then I'm going to put my fucking boots on and keep it pushing. 320 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,280 Yeah, I, like, listen to a lot of podcasts about like, how to 321 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:01,000 cope with a miscarriage and how to, like, handle that. 322 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:05,400 And, you know, honestly, I think hearing a lot of women talk 323 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,480 about, like, the shame that they felt like towards their body. 324 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,640 But for me, I really didn't feel shame. 325 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:18,920 I felt relieved, which made me feel guilty that I felt relieved 326 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,160 that it was the way that it was unfolding that way. 327 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,680 But I wonder if I'll ever post it. 328 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,920 But like when I got out of the doctor that day, I made a video 329 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:32,880 of me just hysterical, which I never ever record myself crying. 330 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:37,040 And I'm just like talking to my phone about the situation and 331 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,160 it's like super emotional. I've never went back and 332 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,560 listened to it. I don't know what it says, but I 333 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:45,640 thought to myself, like, will I ever share that moment with 334 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,520 anyone? Like, I don't know, I think, you 335 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,440 know, I'm an only child. My mom's an only child. 336 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,280 My grandmother's an only child. Like, you know, I don't have 337 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,040 like, a lot of people to lean on. 338 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,280 But, you know, I do think that the biggest blessing was 339 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,400 removing that person from my life. 340 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,520 Because if you don't have the courtesy to say hey. 341 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,800 I know I don't know what you're going through. 342 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,920 I'm sorry I can't really be there for you. 343 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,920 I'm trying to deal with it on my own, you know, just something. 344 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,800 But to say we'll talk about it and then to just never talk 345 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,240 about it. Seven months go by like you kind 346 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,560 of got me fucked up. He didn't talk to you for seven 347 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,400 months. He still never talked to me. 348 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:23,720 We have never talked. The last thing he said to me is 349 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,560 we will talk about this when I get home, babe, that's. 350 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,760 I would throw eggs at his fucking house and slash, that's 351 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,920 what. I'm saying like, that's how I 352 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,840 know I've grown because I bet he watched over his shoulder for at 353 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,720 least three months after that, like at his. 354 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:41,040 Buck Page. But then again, he's not a good 355 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,160 person. He's not someone I would have 356 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:46,640 wanted to invoke a child. You know, I look back at it and 357 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:52,080 I was very much delusioned in thinking that a baby would fix 358 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:53,480 things. Like, oh, I'll just have a baby. 359 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,800 Like I don't need a man. Like I've always thought that in 360 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,920 my head, like, I'm independent, I don't need you. 361 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,720 But then when it's happening, I see how much a woman really does 362 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:05,800 need a true partner that's going to support and like, be there 363 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,480 for you, not someone who's just going to sleep through the night 364 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,360 and make you deal with everything. 365 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:15,800 Especially because women don't think about postpartum recovery. 366 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,160 Like if you do have to have AC section if there is 367 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:22,040 complications, you know, So I'm very much a very positive 368 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:25,520 person, but those pregnancy hormones put me straight into 369 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,680 fear. And now I see why mothers live 370 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,800 in fear. And now I'm like, I just don't 371 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,960 know if I want to be a mother. Like, I don't know if I want my 372 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,840 heart walking around outside of my body and be worried all the 373 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,320 time because that just isn't working. 374 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:41,240 Like the moment I started feeling that I was like hell to 375 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,440 the gnaw. This sucks because all of a 376 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,720 sudden I'm worried about my vagina dilating to a waffle. 377 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,240 I'm worried about what's going to happen. 378 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:53,520 You know I had the worst fucking racist ass doctor. 379 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,400 Like he's always been my OBGYN but we go to the doctor that 380 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,720 first day. I'm like 3 days pregnant at this 381 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,280 point, like 1/2 a day pregnant and he's like that tattoo on 382 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,760 your stomach if you have to have AC section, we're cutting 383 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:10,000 through that. I'm sorry Sir, I just got into 384 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,800 your office. I just came in for the first 385 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,200 time. What the fuck do you what are 386 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,000 you talking about? Like that's what I understand 387 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,000 about the healthcare place as they tell you all shit so that 388 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,960 your brain dwells on it and manifest it and that's what 389 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:25,200 bothered me. So there were certain things 390 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:29,480 that like I refused to do when I was pregnant with Mac because I 391 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:35,160 felt like it was like a lot of fear based shit being pushed. 392 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,680 One of them was like the diabetes glucose test thing. 393 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:46,080 And I know that I get sick every time I drink fucking or eat a 394 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,480 bunch of really sugary stuff and I refused. 395 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,000 I knew I wasn't diabetic. I wasn't having any fucking 396 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,440 symptoms. What I was not going to do was 397 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:57,440 sit in there, fucking drink this drink and then be waiting for 398 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,400 somebody to tell me good news, bad news. 399 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:05,600 I also didn't do, they do like genetic testing for you to 400 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,200 figure out if like your baby's going to have Down syndrome or 401 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:13,600 something like that. I refused to do that test. 402 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,720 I didn't want any fucking part of that test because I knew that 403 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,320 I, I wasn't going to do anything about it. 404 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,080 I wasn't going to not have my kid or anything. 405 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,840 So I just decided there was no fucking point in taking that 406 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,880 test because whatever the outcome was, was going to be the 407 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:33,200 fucking outcome. Yeah, I mean, this goes back 408 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,680 into like, knowing who you're going to have a kid with. 409 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,040 Because when we were in there and they were like, do you want 410 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:39,720 that test? He was like, yeah, we're getting 411 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,040 that test. And like, literally would not 412 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:46,480 let it go. And he was like, Are you sure? 413 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,960 Because if you find something's wrong with your baby, like your 414 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,840 only option is to abort it or to know that you're having a baby 415 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,480 with Down syndrome. And this person that I was with 416 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,200 was like Oh yeah we would abort it. 417 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,440 No we wouldn't have. That's what I'm saying. 418 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,560 But you really need to know who the fuck you all are hooking up 419 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,320 with on Tinder or at from the mall or from work or wherever 420 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,280 because I'm telling you these mother fuckers ain't shit. 421 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,800 Like just let me just get down the list of why people ain't 422 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,000 shit. This man had the audacity to be 423 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,600 like your boobs are so nice. I hope the baby doesn't fuck 424 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:21,000 them up. So in the days I was pregnant 425 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,360 between you and this fucking white man doctor, that's the 426 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:27,400 shit y'all are saying to me. Like it makes me enraged. 427 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,480 Like I have female rage in a way that I had never had before, 428 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:37,560 ever. Yeah, I still support you 429 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,800 sloshing his tires, but I'm toxic so don't follow my advice. 430 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,960 Honestly, I feel like it's so funny because the couple months 431 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:49,400 that we were dating and that we were talking, my like business 432 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:54,360 was just like stagnant. But the very moment that I had 433 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:59,160 the miscarriage and dropped his ass, I'm talking you that very 434 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,760 next month, I made more money in my business and I had made all 435 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:07,040 year long combined. I mean yes, the queen did re 436 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:11,360 share my interview on her Spotify and platforms, but 437 00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:15,000 still, I know the universe was working in my favor because the 438 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,480 moment I dropped his ass, the moment I did a cord cutting 439 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:21,480 spirit was like, here's $7000 if if you need it, here's 440 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,400 everything you need. And then it's crazy because like 441 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:29,400 when I look back on that, like I was literally about to take on a 442 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,880 child and a bum all it was. And a bum. 443 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:44,440 Oh my God, I feel like you talked to me, you know, when you 444 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,440 guys had reconnected or whatever, you found out that you 445 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,800 were pregnant and so he was hanging around and you were very 446 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,200 open about like this was a booty call. 447 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:54,680 Now I'm pregnant now I'm trying to like figure this out or 448 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:58,280 whatever. And I feel like the things that 449 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,480 you were being told were all the right things. 450 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:06,560 The there wasn't time for there to be any action behind things. 451 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:11,720 So I do feel like you're being a bit hard on yourself in certain 452 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,320 ways about like, you know, you should have known better and you 453 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,360 need to like have boundaries up with this type of energy and you 454 00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,520 take care of people and you're a good person. 455 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:24,040 I feel like there wasn't enough time between you finding out 456 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:27,800 that you were pregnant and you thinking about the ways for you 457 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:31,040 to step up and then this person being able to catch up. 458 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,920 Like he you have all of the your business and all of these things 459 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:39,600 established for yourself. And that person didn't have any 460 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,760 of that beforehand kind of got thrown into the position of 461 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,080 having to figure it out. And you know, that's where like 462 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,760 when you have moments like that, that's where somebody those are 463 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,760 tower moments. We talk about those in tarot. 464 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,240 Like that's the opportunity for somebody to either step the fuck 465 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,360 up and be like, wow, like my whole life is changing. 466 00:26:56,360 --> 00:27:00,200 I need to really get this in gear and step up in their life 467 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,080 or do what he did and be like, yeah, I'm going to step up, but 468 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:05,960 this is too fucking much and oh good, I have an out because you 469 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:09,320 lost the baby. Let me go and fuck off and never 470 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,920 answer your text messages or your phone calls ever again. 471 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:17,640 And I don't feel like that is all a lesson for you. 472 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,920 I feel like there's a lot of lesson in that that was for him. 473 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,560 And that's something that like on his spirit and in his 474 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:28,160 conscience and whatever he has to live with the fact that like 475 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:32,400 you grew up together and you have all of this history 476 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:36,920 together and he fucking abandoned you at a time when you 477 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:41,440 were like needing him. And that isn't, that's not all 478 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,600 your fucking lesson. That's his lesson, too. 479 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,960 Yeah, I think also I just feel like I should know better 480 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:53,360 because I'm the one that has actively spent a lot of time on 481 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:56,680 self actualization and healing and reflection and things like. 482 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,880 That part of your healing? Journey yeah now that I look 483 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:03,920 back at it though, I think the real test was not turning into 484 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:08,360 the person that I used to be and not busting the windows out of 485 00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:12,480 his house cuz that's literally was like when my hormones were 486 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,360 raging because it says that after you have a miscarriage, it 487 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:18,840 could take three to six months for your hormones to completely 488 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,800 regulate back out to normal. So I've just like kind of 489 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:27,200 reached that point not too long ago and I am really glad that I 490 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,840 did not act on the rage even though I'm still raged even 491 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:34,840 though every day I'm like fuck him fuck you kind of thing. 492 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:39,320 I still don't wish him bad. I still like I hope the mother 493 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,680 fucker goes to therapy and gets help because that's really what 494 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,920 he needs. And you know, his mom was a 495 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:47,360 crackhead. She overdosed and died or a pee. 496 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,360 His dad's a fucking idiot and never been in his life and he 497 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:55,280 was raised by his grandparents and his grandma has babied him 498 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,760 and allowed him to stay like on the family phone bill or 499 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,240 whatever it may be and like all the things. 500 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:06,320 So it's a part of his journey to understand that he had an 501 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:10,240 opportunity, like you said, to level up with or without a baby 502 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,000 in the picture, and he chose not to. 503 00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:18,840 So yeah, I think that I, I know 'cause I am the best thing 504 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:20,800 that's ever happened to a lot of people. 505 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:25,440 And I will that with pride. I'm sure he thinks about it. 506 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,000 I mean, what else does he have to think about? 507 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:37,440 Yeah, I, I don't know when it's going to come into play that 508 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,400 like, he has to reflect on that and think about that. 509 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,200 Because you would think that if that was the case and that he 510 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:44,880 was thinking about it now and wanting to use it as like an 511 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:49,200 option for him to elevate and grow, that he would reach out to 512 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,240 you. But maybe he has realized that 513 00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:54,520 maybe the best thing in the situation is for him to just 514 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:58,000 like, continue fucking off because it's been this long. 515 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:02,640 I I mean, after seven months of that, would you even want to 516 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:04,000 hear anything? I would never. 517 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:06,360 I would just I would never want to hear anything again in my 518 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:07,840 entire life. I'd be like, that was your 519 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:11,280 opportunity and your chance. Fucking every single month makes 520 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:13,160 me more enraged is how I would. Feel. 521 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:17,040 Yeah. I mean, I feel like I never 522 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:20,680 dreamed that it would be seven months later and still no 523 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,920 closure. And I think that's why I, like, 524 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:24,920 I'm finally ready to talk about it. 525 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:28,600 And like, it was so embarrassing to tell people who know both of 526 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,280 us who it was. And that's a problem. 527 00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:35,040 Like, and another thing like this person said to me was, 528 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,920 yeah, if only your followers or your podcast listeners knew who 529 00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:42,640 you really were. And it really brought back like 530 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:47,120 a like a trigger from another client who is being blackmailed 531 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:50,840 by an ex. So it's like I don't like that, 532 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:54,560 like just even that processing in your brain like that you have 533 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:58,080 some dirt on me or like some history that people wouldn't 534 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,000 like. Like I've told people who the 535 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:01,960 fuck I was. But when I look back at it, like 536 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:05,560 me and this person when I was the most destructive version of 537 00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:09,240 myself at like 19, that's when we were together, like full 538 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,760 blown together. Like me and this person have 539 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:13,880 done the dumbest shit. Like I'm going to just tell you 540 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:16,200 all something so he could never use this against me. 541 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:21,160 We, we used to do pills, OK, pills were cool, Xanax tabs, 542 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,640 like whatever. We created a system where we 543 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,400 would write fake scripts and they looked really look legit 544 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:31,200 and we would just tell people that we didn't have the money to 545 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,560 get them filled. This is so fucked up. 546 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:37,600 So we would be like, I have 100 Xanax bars at Walgreens, but I 547 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:40,040 don't have the $82 to get them filled. 548 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:43,760 And the person would give us the $82 and we would get like 10 549 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,880 people to do that and then we would have $820. 550 00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:52,040 No one has 100 Xanax bars prescribed to them, but they 551 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:54,400 would think that we were going to give them like half of the 552 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:57,040 script for paying for it. So that's what he thought he was 553 00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:58,800 going to use against me. So I'm just going to let you all 554 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,240 know, I was kind of like a low key finessing. 555 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:05,280 I wasn't really a crackhead. I was just more like, I, I just 556 00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:07,560 finessed people. I just finessed people. 557 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:12,600 You all. OK, but for somebody to I, I 558 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,800 just think it's comical because I've also been told like if 559 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:20,200 people knew who you were and I'm like, I, I literally talk about 560 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,560 who the fuck I am, my thoughts, opinions and things that I've 561 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:25,600 been through and I get fucking paid to do it. 562 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:28,920 So you who nobody knows, are welcome to go out and say 563 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:30,320 whatever the fuck you would like to. 564 00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:32,640 But like Google me, bitch. I have seasons under me. 565 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:37,200 Like you know what I mean? So you've been very open about 566 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,520 the addiction that you've gone through and and different shit. 567 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:45,880 And for somebody, I think that it is such a low and I want to 568 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,480 say immature, but that doesn't even like scratch the fucking 569 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:53,160 surface for somebody to ever weaponize and use your past and 570 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,280 an old versions of you against you. 571 00:32:56,600 --> 00:33:00,680 I think it is fucking gross. You've put in so much work and 572 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:04,400 so much energy to become a different version of yourself 573 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:07,520 that who you are right now and how you're showing up and the 574 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:11,160 person that you are and that you want to be should be what people 575 00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:13,080 are focusing on. And I feel that way for 576 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:15,160 everybody. Everybody has a fucking past. 577 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,320 I've been fucking. I used to be a fucking 578 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:20,840 manipulative little bitch. Like I, I understand all of 579 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:23,920 these things. We all have been versions of 580 00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:26,280 ourselves that we are not happy about. 581 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,720 We've learned, hopefully we've learned from them and we're in 582 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:34,800 different positions now and have goals to be improving and be 583 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:36,960 doing better. And who you are in the moment 584 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:39,440 and how you're fucking showing up and what you're doing and 585 00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:42,240 putting energy into should be what's being focused on. 586 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:47,240 And I think that it's bullshit that somebody who has had a like 587 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:49,960 romantic past with you, especially, and there's been 588 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:54,600 that connection there that they would want to bring out a 589 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:59,720 version of you from 19 that was addicted and trying to like get 590 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:02,040 money from people and, and do different things. 591 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,280 And, and going through that, everybody's a fucking asshole at 592 00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:09,679 19 years old. Like every single person is 593 00:34:09,679 --> 00:34:11,920 going through something at 19 years old. 594 00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:16,320 And that version should never fucking be brought up to be. 595 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,320 What's the point of that, by the way? 596 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,199 Like what would be the point of I'm going to tell everybody 597 00:34:22,199 --> 00:34:23,880 about you, what's that going to do? 598 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:27,920 Is it so that it shuts down your business so that like you, you 599 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:31,719 struggle like that? That part to me, I'm like, 600 00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:36,400 where's the fucking logic? And you using your energy to try 601 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,239 and convince people about something. 602 00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:41,760 And I always believe that if you have to fucking recruit people 603 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:44,000 to not like me, I'm, I'm doing fine. 604 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,920 And honestly, that's what didn't even make sense because it's 605 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,480 like, I'm trying to be with you. We have a kid on the way. 606 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,199 Why would you even say some shit like that? 607 00:34:52,199 --> 00:34:54,400 Like it was almost. While you were pregnant. 608 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:57,080 Yeah. Oh yeah. 609 00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,160 Like he just. Kind of pulsed it around, like 610 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,280 if if only people really knew who you were or like whatever. 611 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:07,160 But I've been very vocal that I have done every street drug that 612 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:10,160 you could think. Every single one of them, you 613 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,800 can name them off the list. I've done them all except 614 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:14,880 fentanyl because that came out after I got sober. 615 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:17,400 But other than that, like heroin, your girl's done it. 616 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,520 I've never used needles, but I've done heroin and people 617 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:23,200 don't even think that about me. And that's fine. 618 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:25,520 I'm not trying to pretend to be something I'm not. 619 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,400 Like when Bunny said her friend had a gun in her pussy and it 620 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,440 shocked me on the podcast. It doesn't mean that I'm like an 621 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:36,080 Angel of fluff. You know, like, I kept my 622 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:39,360 addictions concealed because I grew up in a household that did 623 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:41,880 the same thing. Like, you don't tell people what 624 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:43,680 goes on on the inside of your home. 625 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,920 And I grew up like that. So, you know, going through 626 00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:49,360 things like that to me was like supernatural. 627 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,200 I mean, everyone in my family did pills. 628 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:55,360 Even when I wasn't addicted to pills, I was still exposed to 629 00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:56,560 them. Like my mom would be like, oh, 630 00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:59,280 your head hurts. Here's a half a tab when she 631 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:01,520 clearly could have just given me Tylenol, you know? 632 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,080 But instead she's like, oh, here's a Lortab. 633 00:36:03,240 --> 00:36:04,480 Oh, here's a Xanax, you're stressing. 634 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:08,520 Here's a Xanax. You know, so it's weird a person 635 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:12,080 that's watched me in all phases, but they've basically stayed the 636 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:16,960 same in a way. And it and it's like when the 637 00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:20,480 baby was coming, it was like, I don't really know who he was 638 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,480 because it wasn't who I expected, you know, so it's like 639 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:26,120 the real him is how he's acting now. 640 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,280 And that's what I have to keep reminding myself that like what 641 00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,600 happens if something was wrong with our baby? 642 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:34,800 What happens if something was difficult, if something really 643 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:36,960 needed medical attention or something really needed to 644 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:39,040 happen? Could I depend on him to be 645 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:40,720 there? Like this man was more worried 646 00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:43,960 about his two fucking dogs than he was hardly anything else. 647 00:36:44,240 --> 00:36:47,520 And I'll be honest, you all the last time I saw him and when I 648 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:49,960 was still pregnant, I met his dogs. 649 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:54,160 And when I left his house, I was like, there's no fucking way I 650 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:57,480 can live with those dogs. Like no fucking way I can 651 00:36:57,480 --> 00:36:59,920 cohabitate, like habitate with those dogs. 652 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:03,960 And so I know the universe was like answering prayers because 653 00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,680 deep down, there was just no way that it was going to work. 654 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,400 And it was going to basically put me on the timeline of being 655 00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:12,520 a single mom with a deadbeat dad, deadbeat baby dad. 656 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,640 And I don't want to have a child with someone that I call baby 657 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,600 dad. Like I want a child's father or 658 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:20,280 I don't want one. I don't want a baby dad. 659 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:23,960 I don't want my boyfriend won't get a real job so he doesn't 660 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:27,720 have to pay child support or he won't do this or that. 661 00:37:27,720 --> 00:37:32,960 Like, you know, that's what I am like most afraid of now of like 662 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:35,640 opening up the door to new connection. 663 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:40,680 Because after that experience, I was like, oh, I got to get back 664 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,080 on birth control. And then after I thought about 665 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:45,720 it, I was like, or we'll just go back to being celibate and I'm 666 00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:48,840 going to make you all literally rise to the occasion or don't 667 00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:51,320 even talk to me. Like I have decentered dating. 668 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:54,720 I don't care. I don't care if I'm 40 and hot 669 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,440 and no boyfriend and no child. I don't give a fuck. 670 00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:00,640 Like I used to care about that, but now that it's happened and 671 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:05,320 it's been removed, I see that no one knows what the fuck they're 672 00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:07,760 doing. Only people who want to support 673 00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:10,160 each other and want to be a parent will be a parent. 674 00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:12,360 It doesn't matter how many kids they got. 675 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:15,600 Just like I don't like Elon Musk but he won't even pay child 676 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:17,080 support. He's a fucking billionaire. 677 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:20,200 Like mental illness. It's mental illness to think a 678 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:23,720 woman should have to take care of your spawn and give it your 679 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:27,800 last name. Mental illness and people who 680 00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,400 choose to work under the table, sell drugs, have a fraudulent 681 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:34,160 business so they don't have to pay child support or insurance 682 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:37,560 for their kid should be shot. We should bring back public 683 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:40,200 shaming and you should be shot and I don't care. 684 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:42,320 Like I have no sympathy for people who don't want to take 685 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,120 care of their kids. I'm sorry you should be shot. 686 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:47,480 Just go out in the field free range. 687 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:53,000 You know, you were talking about how, you know, he his mom Od'd 688 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:55,560 and he didn't have a dad and he was raised by his grandparents 689 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:59,520 and whatever. And I always talk about the fact 690 00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:03,040 that people can use the things that they've gone through to be 691 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:08,520 a reason why they can't do better, why they are where they 692 00:39:08,520 --> 00:39:10,160 are. Well, I'm this person because 693 00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:12,720 this is how I grew up. Well, I can't be a dad because I 694 00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:15,160 didn't have a dad. And, you know, all these things 695 00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:19,760 are somebody takes those moments and they go, OK, well, I didn't 696 00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:23,000 have this, so this is who I'm going to be or I didn't, I 697 00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:25,680 didn't have this vision. And so this is who I'm going to 698 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:30,520 be and what I'm going to do. And that can go in a positive or 699 00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:34,040 negative direction. Like I'm, you know, coming to 700 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:37,280 terms with the fact that like, hey, I stayed inside of a 701 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:40,240 marriage that I wasn't happy and with somebody that I wasn't 702 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:43,760 happy to be with. And, you know, I left and came 703 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:47,360 back so many different times because I didn't have a two 704 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:50,760 parent household. And I thought that it the most 705 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:52,880 important thing was to have a two parent household. 706 00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:58,040 And you know, you witnessed all of this addiction and people 707 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:00,160 going through these things while you were growing up. 708 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,400 And so for you that turned into, well, I have an addiction and I 709 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,640 keep it secret. For me, I was surrounded by 710 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:08,960 people who were struggling and having addiction and all of 711 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:12,360 these things and. And I got abused by those 712 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:14,880 people. And so for me, my coping 713 00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:19,440 mechanism was to turn a blind eye and act like none of these 714 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:23,920 things were happening. And like, that is something that 715 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:27,280 like I have to cope with now that I'm adult and, and, you 716 00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:30,800 know, things are unfolding, I have to realize like, wow, my 717 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:35,200 trauma response was to just like fucking not be present and not 718 00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:40,040 realize that that was happening. And that's on me. 719 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:43,240 That's on like me to go to therapy or whatever for, you 720 00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:45,600 know, like that's for me to fucking work through. 721 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:52,200 And it's so interesting how we adapt to our environments and we 722 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:55,680 all adapt differently. And it's our responsibility to 723 00:40:55,680 --> 00:41:00,200 figure out like, well, how am I allowing past versions of me or 724 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:04,440 past situations that I've been through affect who I am, but 725 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:07,720 also how I treat other people, how I do other things. 726 00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:13,360 He didn't, his traumas and his inability to to grow didn't just 727 00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:17,920 affect him in that it affected you had you actually had a full 728 00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:21,680 pregnancy and and and had a baby, it would have affected 729 00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,560 that baby. It would have been something 730 00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:26,680 that like maybe that affects future generations down the line 731 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:29,160 too, because now that kid has to process through all those 732 00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:32,480 things. So I would, I would never tell 733 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:35,520 you like, Oh, I understand why that happened and that had a 734 00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:37,840 purpose. Like I, those aren't words that 735 00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,200 I would ever say. If that's something that you're 736 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:43,760 feeling in your spirit, like and that makes sense for you, I 737 00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:47,920 support that for you. But I also, I think that 738 00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:52,240 whenever you're ready, like if you ever decide that you want to 739 00:41:52,240 --> 00:41:55,320 be a parent, whether it be that you end up having the 740 00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:58,480 relationship that you have in your fucking mind of like 741 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,280 perfection and what you need, I hope you have that. 742 00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:04,600 If it ends up changing and you're like, I don't know, I can 743 00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,920 go and do and you know, get inseminated or whatever the 744 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:10,120 fuck, like I support that for you too. 745 00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:14,840 I Whatever it ends up being, if you decide to never have fucking 746 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:18,240 kids, like whatever that is, I think that you're going to be 747 00:42:18,240 --> 00:42:22,120 amazing at whatever fucking road and whatever's thrown at you 748 00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:24,280 will be exactly what it's supposed to be. 749 00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:29,200 I just feel like growing up the way that I did, I turned out 750 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:33,320 great for the situation. Like, you know, being exposed to 751 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:36,200 things that are really young age, I know my mom feels a lot 752 00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:39,520 of shame about that. Like we talked about it before 753 00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:41,800 and then she wrote me and was like, why are you bashing me on 754 00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:43,560 your podcast? And I'm like, I'm not bashing 755 00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:47,520 you, it's just my experience. But she feels a lot of shame in 756 00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:50,640 the ways that she handled things because her dad passed when she 757 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,560 was 11 from drinking and driving. 758 00:42:52,720 --> 00:42:55,080 So at 11, her whole life changed. 759 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,760 So when I turned 11, she started to treat me like an adult and 760 00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:02,120 letting me do adult things. So, you know, I look around and 761 00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:08,440 I just don't want to set my kid up in a sense of like needing to 762 00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:10,720 heal from shit that isn't their fault. 763 00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:14,240 And with the more I looked into it, like you said, like that 764 00:43:14,240 --> 00:43:17,640 person would have been influencing my child or our 765 00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:21,920 child with their beliefs and their just negativity, they're a 766 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:24,880 very negative person. And I just don't like that. 767 00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:29,640 Like now I see the fault in allowing people from your past 768 00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:32,480 to hold space in the new version of your life. 769 00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:37,640 Like honestly, if I hold new strangers to some utopian 770 00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:41,160 standard, why the fuck am I allowing someone like that to 771 00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:45,760 come in and hold power over me? And I think that was a lesson 772 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:50,800 about like being comfortable and being challenged. 773 00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:54,600 And I see where I was comfortable, but then created a 774 00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:57,520 challenge because you're not meant to be comfortable all the 775 00:43:57,520 --> 00:43:59,560 time. You're not meant to go back to 776 00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:01,280 someone who's familiar all the time. 777 00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:05,360 Maybe you are, maybe you're not. But so many people run backwards 778 00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:07,520 rather than even trying to look forward. 779 00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:09,640 Like they just are. Like, oh, I can't see in front 780 00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:10,680 of me. I'm just going to keep looking 781 00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:12,920 behind me. And then you've got other types 782 00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:16,280 of people that want to hold the old version of you hostage, 783 00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:18,280 like, oh, if only people knew who you are. 784 00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:21,280 Oh, if people only we knew that. OK, I'll air myself out. 785 00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:24,560 Like, you know, that's what I love about this generation of 786 00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:28,080 women is we don't give a fuck. OK, I started cocaine. 787 00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:30,760 OK, OK. What do you think about it? 788 00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:32,600 You know what I mean? Like, OK, someone put their 789 00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:34,240 butthole on the Internet. What are you going to do about 790 00:44:34,240 --> 00:44:36,200 it? Like, triggering men is almost 791 00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:37,960 like one of my new favorite pastimes. 792 00:44:38,240 --> 00:44:42,160 And I think just women thriving, making their own money and being 793 00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:46,000 happy is such a trigger for men that decentering you all has 794 00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:50,400 been easy. On that note, I'm going to read 795 00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:55,720 us the human design card. We got card 26 for the lens. 796 00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,440 I feel like this is really going to be about looking at things 797 00:44:58,440 --> 00:45:04,800 from a different perspective. The gift is perspective, the 798 00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:08,720 sign is Sagittarius, the gift is perspective, and the shadow is 799 00:45:08,720 --> 00:45:11,920 Ego. The gift cannot be found through 800 00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:16,120 shaming or Rep or repressing the ego, but only by seeing the 801 00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:18,800 beauty that it holds. Intention is the key. 802 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:21,880 When you're able to look inward and unlock the door to your 803 00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:25,240 inherent gifts, you may utilize unique qualities of your 804 00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:27,560 personality for the betterment of the collective. 805 00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:31,120 Whether savvy or witty or enchanting, you can hold 806 00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:33,600 another's attention and help them to see the world through 807 00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:36,760 new eyes. You help to carve out a new wave 808 00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:40,560 forward by simply being yourself and showcasing your thoughtful, 809 00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:44,840 heart centered perspective. Our collective has emerged from 810 00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:47,680 the depths of survival mode, and because we've built our 811 00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:51,200 civilization from this basis, much of the way that we think 812 00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:53,960 and operate is still indicative of our roots. 813 00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:58,000 As such, Ego Is Prime is primarily at the centerfold of 814 00:45:58,000 --> 00:46:01,760 our experience. This shadow creates an illusion 815 00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,920 that the only route to success is through hard work, individual 816 00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:09,200 will, and selfish gain. You cannot combat divine forces. 817 00:46:09,560 --> 00:46:13,440 We mistakenly believe that brute force is the only way out or up 818 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,600 or through, when in fact it's what keeps us locked in the 819 00:46:16,600 --> 00:46:19,520 never ending cycle of the survival mindset and the broken 820 00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:22,040 record of separation and clashing egos. 821 00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:25,600 Your themes are Personality, Perspective, and breakthrough. 822 00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:31,760 And this episode has been a breakthrough because I have been 823 00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:36,600 bottling this up with, you know, mixed emotions and feelings. 824 00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:38,880 So it feels really good to just, like, air it out. 825 00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:42,400 It's out there for the world. No one can hold shit over my 826 00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:45,800 head if I tell you all first. Facts. 827 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,760 So we'll see you all next time in motherfuking Candyland. 828 00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:51,520 Bye. Bye. 829 00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:57,920 Yeah, he says. She's so sweet, man. 830 00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:01,320 Come on. Like a rapper Live me like a 831 00:47:01,320 --> 00:47:03,480 lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop. 832 00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:09,880 He want to live me like a lollipop, lollipop, lollipop. 833 00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:13,800 He want to swallow my spirit.