Gotta talk fast, gotta talk fast.
Gotta talk faster, faster, faster.
Gotta talk fast. Welcome to an oral review of
Archie Comics Sonic the Hedgehog, reminding you that if
you opposed the despostic, what despotic?
How do you say that word? Did I spell the wrong despotic?
D Despotic, all right? No, that's probably right.
You cut out when you were saying it so I couldn't hear you.
Do you know what a despot is? No.
OK, despot is like a dictator or an absolute ruler.
A king so despotic means one who so just a dictator, Yeah.
OK, Do we want to, do we want to restart that or do we just want
to keep that in for the people who don't know what that word
means? I'm learning things today, man.
That's what this, that's what this podcast is about.
It's about learning. Nick, Nick, you are my ear to
the ground, so you go right on ahead.
I'm going to start over, but we can keep this whole fumble in.
Got it. Welcome to an OR.
I guess we got an answer to you if he got worse or not.
I haven't I've been working. He's been.
Working for three weeks. Straight like it's been bad.
Yeah, I I drove. Away from home.
Yeah, and got back. I wrote this and yeah, we're
good to go, we're good to go. I'm good to go.
Let me make this so it's not cutting off my head.
All right. Welcome to an oral review of
Archie comic Sonic the Hedgehog, reminding you that if you oppose
the despostic regime of Saudi Arabia and want the United
States to stop supporting it, then you must fight car culture
and support urbanism. According to the US Energy
Information Administration, America consumes more than 20
million barrels of oil per day. 43% of that 20 million goes to
gasoline alone. Avenge the following New York
firefighters by supporting high density zoning, high speed rail,
and thinner highways. Granted, the US only imports 5%
of its petroleum from Saudi Arabia, whereas the US imports
52% from Canada. But if you ever want to oppose
both the House and Saud, Saud, House of Saud.
Interesting. 'Cause it's 'cause it's just
Arabia, it's just Arabia and then the ultra mega wealthy
House of Saud makes it Saudi Arabia.
I legitimately did not know that.
Yeah. Interesting I'm I I do I just I
just I just watch movies and I listen to that's my thing dude,
that's. Kind of like what this is.
I just, I just know about Sonic the Hedgehog really well, I
guess the I'm learning that's what the podcast is about.
But if you ever want to oppose both the House of Sod and Justin
Trudeau, tell the NIMBY's you never forget that faithful
September morning. You never forgot that freedom
isn't free, it's the cost of your train fare.
I'm Nick, except for this intro. I wrote the script.
And I'm Dominic and except for this very outdated intro because
Justin Trudeau is no longer I was gonna.
Say that I may not be the most up to date with current events,
but I do know that Justin Trudeau is no longer.
I am very curious to see he so it's different Prime Minister,
but same political party until they call an election or the
mandatory election the mandated election on in October.
I think in Canada, because Canada uses a Westminster system
because of their British yeah exactly.
They're they're common Commonwealth heritage.
So they so we'll, we'll see because they were before the
Trump situation, before Trump, they were just slated to get
pounded into the dirt, the liberals, which is like slightly
more left Democratic Party, but not too much.
But now with the term situation. About America, we are reminding
the rest of the world what happens when you let
conservatism win. So let us be a warning.
Yep, let us be the sacrificial lamb for the rest of the world.
That's in charge of the nation's currency, yes.
OK, so. We are.
We are reading Saturday Nights All Right for a Fight Part 1
script by Ken Penders and penciled by Art Mawhinney.
The worst has happened. Sonic the Hedgehog has lost his
memory and joined forces with his arch enemy, Doctor Ivo
Robotnik to overthrow his friends, Princess Sally and the
Freedom Fighters. We're now seconds away from the
action busting loose, so just strap yourselves in.
Sonic the Hedgehog is now staring at Sally and Roeder.
Sally thinks to herself, this looks bad, better think fast.
She starts saying that she's glad Sonic is back and he looks
unwell and if anything is wrong, absolutely nothing.
Nothing been some slam jamming, nothing that some slam jam.
It can't fix that is. I forgot about that line
already. I.
Chance it is pretty fucking good.
I I read this three, I probably should have read this recently,
so this is. Like now you get the true viewer
experience. Sonic speeds towards Rotor,
reaches out his left arm and gives Rotor a left hook right in
the kisser. Straight to the moon.
Rotor slams on the floor and is now knocked out.
Sonic speeds behind Sally, starts to put Sally in a
chokehold and says cold still Princess, this won't hurt much.
Sally grabs the arm around her neck and swings the upper half
of her body forward, flinging Sonic over her shoulders.
No thanks. Besides, I prefer to give rather
than receive. Then she's a.
Choice. She would be a Dom, yeah.
Oh, well, yeah, that's not. She's the soft.
Question it's just there's a there's a time and place, Sally.
This isn't the time or the place we see wouldn't.
It be funny if like the innuendo is what like like got to his
like inner brain and it's like, oh, that's what pulled me out.
That's what pulled me out of the.
Train. Oh wait a minute, I am a sub.
We see. Everything that just happens, we
see. Tails and Buns hearing the
battle and start rushing in to see Sally and Sonic fighting.
Buns quickly grabs Sonic and puts him in a leg lock, proving
instantly the theory that Buns is actually the most powerful
freedom fighter and should perhaps be the one going on
missions. Sally and Tails grabs Sonic,
trying to restrain him. Sonic spins himself on a
Tornado, flinging everyone across the room.
Everyone is now knocked out, with Sonic standing over all of
them, victorious. End of Part 1.
So real quick, first of all, I just want to mention, if I
recall, that yeah, Tails and Buns are confused as to what's
going on. Like they, they do not know the
situation. Like that's what this issue
establishes. And I kind of appreciate that
they immediately try to help Sally instead of Sonic.
Yeah, I feel like if if I was in the same exact situation, like
it's Sally is technically your boss, right?
Like she's the one that you're like, wait a minute, Whatever's
happening, we're, we're, we're getting behind Sally, right?
Loyalty behind the crown I for their characters I appreciate.
Agreed. Right, So yeah, this one's a lot
of actions, a pretty cool action.
I like that because like in the issue before this, Sonic was
just on a RIP. He was just beaten through
everyone and everything. Like there were some traps and
safety like precautions by the freedom fighters, but in terms
of person to person combat, it was all Sonic.
But Sally was like, Hey, I I know some moves like we're good,
like you thought you. Had that, I mean, yeah, you
know. It's been a minute.
It's OK. It's OK.
I'm just glad that you're OK. Yeah, nothing to comment here.
Sound off in the comments though and I will move on after this.
Sound off in the comments if Buns Bunny's leg lock awaken
something in you. So sound off in the comments if
that's if this is what did it. Yeah, I mean I guess that proves
that Sonic isn't a sub because if Sally with straining him,
didn't, you know, trigger it, buns would have 1000% triggered
it and he he didn't. I have a feeling that Sonic is
the type of guy that talks mad shit 'cause he is.
He is like evidence. He talks mad shit but he's
actually very bad in bed. Like just too fast.
Come on. Yeah, just he, he, he finishes
and he's like, all right, we're done.
And it's like, no, you got to, you got to give, you got to give
buddy. Oh, he does not give.
He he's a taker. He's in and out and he's just
gone. Yeah, he does not give or
receive. He takes.
Yeah, the third that, that is the third option.
No, you're no, that's the third option.
And fellas, fellas, you gotta make sure they're also, hey,
this is, we're obviously joking around.
We, we've got some levity here. This is obviously funny, but
also I'm being very serious. Fellas, just ask during sex,
just be like, hey, does this feel all right?
Like how you doing? Or it's like, are you, are you
good? Like you want a vibe?
Check How are the vibe? Yeah, it's like, how are you?
Does that? Does that feel good you?
Need to get the vibrator. No, hey, legit, that's a thing.
There are women out there, and I hear this from I read this from
testimony is that there are women out there that
legitimately cannot receive pleasure through traditional
penetration methods. And I'm I'm or like they can't,
they can't, they can't finish. They can't finish, right?
They can get pleasure from it, but they, they can't, you know,
achieve orgasm. We're saying this because
someone, a a kid out there, a teenager, a young adult or a
fully grown adult needs to hear this.
You know, normally I would try to steer the conversation right
back to Sonic because it's a Sonic podcast, but it seems like
you really need to get that off your chest, so.
I have heard, I have heard some really bad.
I have a lot of female friends and they're like, yeah, Dom,
you, you need to start telling your guy friends not like
literally, but like if you start spreading the word out to out to
the male population, This is how it.
Is I know you've got a podcast, I need you to start telling
people these things honestly. If I brought it up again, they
might, yeah. And if anyone needs to hear
this, it is the introverted autistic subculture that exists
within Sonic the Hedgehog. So there.
There you go. No, they not.
Not our fans. Take this information and learn
from it. OK?
Anything else? No, I think, I think you said
everything I was thinking and more.
OK, Saturday night's all right for a fight Part 2.
We open on Robotnik and Snively, watching Sonic over a monitor.
Well, Sir, it looks like Sonic the Hedgehog has succeeded where
you couldn't. I mean, Bert, you haven't yet.
Cease your witless cackling stiffly, you idiot.
Sonic may have won my battle for me, but he hasn't finished the
job. We sent him to Knothole Village
so we could discover its location and destroy it.
With his current state of memory loss, he was a more than willing
puppet, ready to heed my every command.
Since he is incapable of any serious independent thought, we
need the location coordinates of the village to send in the
demolition tractors. Unfortunately, the freedom
fighters have allowed level jammers of some type, preventing
me from honing in on the signal from the transmitter I secretly
placed in the hedgehog. All I can do now is wait and
track his path of return to us. The screen that's tracking Sonic
the Hedgehog has turned black. What?
We've lost the signal. Boost boost, boost, boost, boost
the reception. Stiffly now, Snively starts
walking away, glaring at Robotnik.
Snively starts thinking to himself, just once, I wish he'd
say please. We cut back to Sonic.
The lights have gone dark. Sonic hears footsteps all around
him. All right, whoever you are, you
want to make this easy or hard, stay still, Misami.
Whatever else he may be, Sonic is no match for the hotel
prowess of Antoine. Watch and learn from Zimaster.
We see the dark blobs with what appeared to be the outlines of
the Junior Freedom Fighters, along with Antoine surrounding
Sonic. Everyone subdues the enemy.
Everyone jumps Sonic. So feed this gun.
Where did he go? Oh Antoine, miss me.
We may not be able to see, but I can still move faster than you.
And now that I know it's you, Sonic gets cut off by the
coolest pig around, Hamlin. Well, he ain't the only one here
buddy. Maybe not numbers pal, but
that'll be the day some rookie gets the drop on the old
hedgehog. Sonic throws Hamlet across the
room. I'm surprised at you Tuan,
sending others to fight your battles.
Antoine appears in front of Sonic and pulls out a sword.
Bondie, no one accuses Antoine of being zic Coward on God, you
witless knave. Sonic dodges Antoine's attacks.
You're so your swords, your sword sword, your sword sword
swishing is quite revealing. Why don't you shut your position
while you're at it? I'm assuming he didn't say so.
There's only one. Sword Sonic dodges more of
Antoine's attacks and punches him in the head.
Arlo jumps out from behind. Arlo jumps out from behind the.
Arlo is the armadillo, right? Yeah, Arlo.
Arlo Armadillo. Yeah, that's exactly how they
got that name. Hold on Sir.
He. He won't get them by me.
Sonic catches Arlo mid air and throws him at Penelope the
Platypus, knocking them out. Sonic begins to look for a way
to turn on the lights when he gets slammed by Dylan the
Porcupine, knocking out Sonic the Hedgehog as Princess Sally
uses. It's been a minute since we've
done these voices. As Princess Sally used to say,
the best attack is always the least expected.
And of Part 2. I'm shocked you remembered
everyone's voice, like immediately.
That was especially Arlo's, which I love.
Arlo's too. I mean, Dylan's the best, don't
get me wrong, but I like the idea.
I don't know if this is what happened.
I assume it's not that Sonic doesn't remember anyone but his
hatred for Antoine and just started goading him immediately
because, like, there's definitely an air of like, I
remember you and I'm going to fuck with you here.
I assume what ended up happening is that Robotnik deprived him on
all the Freedom Fighters before going out.
But I like to think he did it. Yeah, and he just remembered to
add to what he's like. Fuck this guy.
That's that's total that's unsubstantiated head cannon
because I think in the previous issue robotic literally set up
androids for him to fight in practice.
Oh yeah, that is true. That is true.
They they have the fake androids.
But it'd be really funny if he did it, if that didn't happen.
And he, yeah, just literally remembers this one kernel of
information that no, I hate this French motherfucker.
I just hate this fucker. I thought it was.
It was kind of cool to see in terms of action, if we're going
to have action. I think it was cool to see all
the silhouetting. Yeah, I was actually going to
bring up the fact that I I really like how they styled
Fighting in the Darkness, which is like a red shape.
You know what? I was watching Michael Mann's
what is it called Manhunter. I think it was OK.
It's the Red Dragon movie that was made in the 80s.
Red Dragon being the name of the book.
Oh this is like Girl of the Dragon Tattoo or something.
No, no, no. Hannibal Lecter.
That's right.
Yeah, I fell asleep so I didn't
finish it so I have no opinions on the movie, but something that
stood out to me and it instantly made me like hate modern movies.
This is always going to be AI hate modern movies rant every
single episode just low key and I really appreciated how he lit
this dark scene, which was it was a house and honestly, when
you're shooting in a house at night, either you this is my
problem with modern day films is with digital, you're allowed to
get really, really dark and you can't do that with analog.
You need right sources of light to thinking film in order to
kind of like get some sort of ambience in the room, which
leads to a lot of, we'll say, fantastical shots that you just
have to believe it's dark, right?
It's like, oh, there's a lot of like blue hues and it's supposed
to symbolize it's dark, but it's not actually dark, you know what
I mean? And with how he lit this scene
was Michael Mann. I shouldn't say how he lit the
scene and how the lighting director lit the scene, but I
don't know his name. That's fine.
What he did was he had like it was like a motel light or
something like a vacancy sign, like pretty much right outside
just really shining in light into the house.
So they're just like bars of light that were really like
shining that would light up certain like motions and
whatnot. But then the rest of the was
like pretty dark in a blue light and it just, I was, I was
reading the scene. It just kind of reminded me of
lighting in older films and how that translated to the comics.
I just appreciate it, that's all.
Modern films can't do dark well because they allow things to get
too dark and you can't see Jack's shit.
And then the creators of the shows are just like, you know
what? Your TV sucks because if you had
a good TV, this would be fine. Sorry, it's like.
We used to know good lighting, but we just forgot how to.
We just forgot. We just forgot.
But so I really like the lighting of the scene.
I really like it, has like real submarine vibes with the red.
Just the general like emergency lighting The Cave, that's
fantastic choice by the inking Harvo.
That's all you have just harvo. That's all they have, so.
Are you serious? Yeah, I, I whenever they have
the names, I write it as is so. What are you talking?
Wait, hold on. It said Harvo.
Script by Ken Penders pencil. Inks rich.
I'm stupid, I'm stupid. My script was on the previous
was wasn't that in the next story?
OK, so. Yep, the next one's Harvo.
Shout out to Rich. Coilers.
Switch to Rich Koslowski for inking very good use of red.
Yeah, so this just reinforces the concept that maybe they need
a protocol for when Sonic goes rogue, because this is way too
this is he literally can't. I mean, no, clearly Dylan took
him down, but still, that was just way too much.
That took way too much. I mean, it took everyone.
Yeah, it's yeah, they need to like have an activation word.
They they got to plant a bomb in his brain.
And whenever someone says like, pineapple, banana pudding pie or
something, something that doesn't exist, yeah, he his
brain just explodes, you know? A kill switch.
Yeah, a kill switch. Dude, Sonic's strong enough
where you need one. That's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every single time Sonic has
gotten brainwashed or something, it's been luck every single
time. Did you, did you ever play Call
of Duty Black Ops one? The very first one.
No, but I literally just listened to a interview with one
of the like directors of that game like 2 days ago.
Yeah, yeah, the game, the game is, it's based on it's, it's
very, it's the Cold War 1960s. It covers that whole era because
it was the first Cold War, I believe, Yeah, first Cold War,
Call of Duty game. So they were laying lovely into
that. You, you meet Kennedy at one
point and and then there's like you go into like Soviet Russia,
you go into Vietnam and all that stuff.
And the whole premise is that it's all conspiracy driven.
You're trying to uncover this conspiracy and you, the
protagonist, the main, the main protagonist, I should say,
because I think it jumps around. You are.
You're like brainwashed and the whole framing device of the
whole game, you keep cutting back, in fact, the main menu.
You're a Manchurian Candidate, right?
Yes, yes, pretty much. And you're, the main menu is
framed in like you're in the interrogation room and you've
just been for hours and hours and hours.
You have been trying, they're trying to decipher this
information from you critically because they're short on time
and because it, but it's a numbers thing.
It's like there's a number station that activates you for,
for and we don't know why, we don't know how, but it is.
And every level is you is the interrogator trying to
extrapolate, you know, things for you.
I really enjoyed the the plot of of Black Ops one and then from
there got increasingly unhinged and less relatable to me, but
early not relatable, but rather like, you know, less interesting
to me but that. You should really listen to the
interview. I'll, I'll send it to you.
Yeah. Send me that Michael Mann.
I'm. Calling it out on the podcast.
It's from Jeff Gersman's podcast he interviewed.
I don't think he was. He was the lead like director I
think on four and three, and he was pretty high up on one and
two. Yeah.
It was just interesting listening to him talk and how he
got to some of the decisions he got to.
It made me want to play the games and I never played the
games before. So that's that's it.
Black Ops Black Ops won the last black the last Call of Duty game
I ever bought. I was buying them from Call of
Duty 4 all the way through until the 1st Black Ops and I was
like, this is our this is pretty all right.
I think I'm good now. We are a OK.
Jason Blundell and and it's the Jeff Gersman's podcast.
Saturday nights All right for a fight Part 3.
We open on Sonic the Hedgehog in a hospital bed, Sally and his at
his bedside while Rotary's in the background examining X-rays
of Sonic's head. How do you feel, Sonic the
Hedgehog? Do you remember anything that's
happened? Ow, that's some bump on my
noggin. Feels like I've been kicked by a
SWAT bot. Yes.
Oh, he thought you were a goner when the Not Hole Village secret
access tunnel was destroyed. But to answer your question,
it's all a blue blur to me. Rotor is still looking at the
X-ray. Gosh, I think I found something,
Princess. He walks over to Sonic with a
pair of tweezers and pulls something out from Sonic's head.
And here's the little critter right where the X-ray charts
mark. Mark the spot.
Rotor pulls off Robotnik's camcorder from Sonic's head.
A little doohickey the old doctor must have placed on Sonic
without him knowing. There's no telling how much
information he may have obtained through this.
Sonic gets up from the hospital bed.
Well, that settles that then. What?
Settles what? Sonic, Where do you think you're
going to make a man? Sal?
Even though I was clueless due to some accident, I've placed
everyone in grave danger, and the hedgehog's got to do what a
hedgehog's got to do. Sonic dashes out of Knothole
Village. We cut back to Robonic and
Snively in the control room. Well, Snively, it's obvious
we're not going to learn anything from our bug.
We may as well send in the demolition tractors and hope
they aren't off the mark by much.
Just then, Sonic appears on his monitors.
Hold it, it's that blasted hedgehog and he's coming out of
the tree stump entrance. And Doctor Robotnik, I've
receiving telemetry readings from the transmitter.
It must still be on him. Well, well, well, he's going
back in. Sniffly lock on and have the
tractors track him from above ground.
It looks like we'll get what we came for yet.
We cut to Sonic running in the underground tunnels.
Here's hope, an old robobot swallowed the bat.
Here's hope an old robobot swallowed the bait.
Still said it weird we cut this. Yeah, he did say it.
Weird. We cut the tails flying above
the tanks and reported to Sally that the tanks are following
Sonic's path. Sonic meets up with Sally Roeder
and a couple of groundhogs. Sonic has led the tanks to a
Cliff with an overhang. The tanks stop and the Cliff
breaks, sending all the tanks to the bottom of a ravine.
Robotic will believe we let him down a decoy tunnel.
He'll never know you were originally in the real tunnel
that leads to a knothole. We'll begin rebuilding a new
tunnel. But first, I need to apologize
for my actions. You weren't quite yourself,
Sonic. Besides, now I know how you
feel. After our sparring exercises, we
cut back to Stiveley on Robotnik in his control room.
Well, Stiveley, Even with memory loss, that hedgehog has done it
again. He's led me on on another wild
goose chase. Think of it this way, Sir.
If he gets his memory back, then maybe he won't remember making a
goose out of you. The end.
I don't really understand this ending.
So they went and dug a tunnel to the ending and then I guess all
the like to a Cliff and I guess the tanks.
I interpret it as like the Cliff broke and the Cliff like tanks
fell off. But it looks like in retrospect
that maybe they just drove off the edge.
Yeah, yeah. They they they found, they drove
off the Cliff. And then exploded.
Yeah, sure. Because it's, you know, action
movie logic where it's, it just explodes.
Yeah, OK, I I might, yeah. I'm not sure if I completely
interpreted that correctly when I first read it.
It's. Just it's just concerted this
information by routing the tanks because he still has the
tracking, yeah. It's still on a fundamental
level. Just think the tracking thing is
just dumb. It is silly because if it's all
coordinate based, just find the coordinates and you're good.
Like that's, yeah, you've got it.
That's the secret. That's the secret.
That's all you need to do. Yep, I, I, yeah.
I mean, Robotnik has like a general idea of where the
village is, right? Like he doesn't need to put it
on autotrack, he can send out robot sniffing machines to try
to find that hole. Another another convoluted plan.
Mr. Robotnik, I don't get you. We are still on this Saturday
night. We are nearing the end, nearing
the end of the first section of the of the Ken Pender.
According to Ken according to the Thanks Ken Pender's blog.
Correct. Which I, I, we adhere to, I, I
adhere too strongly because it, it seems to be working out both
we'll see when we cross over, but I'm pretty confident.
So this is you. Think the tone is going to
drastically shift? No, I don't.
I don't think so at all. But I think the quality will
improve to not maybe not drastically, but I think.
Wow, so so you're not impressed with the quality right now?
And you were? This is especially this next
story. Let me tell you, this is all
good stuff. Saturday night, Saturday night,
Saturday morning cartoon maybe? All right, should we move on?
Yeah. I mean, do we have anything as a
whole to talk about with this last issue?
I mean, it doesn't the story doesn't feel big enough to split
it up into parts, right? Because I mean, if you think of,
I mean, it's technically not only one part, but it's
continued from the last issue. And I just, I guess I don't
understand why they felt this needed such a big story to go
over multiple issues. You know what I mean?
But I'm at least I'm interested in the idea of them breaking up
stories between issues now, kind of usually a reason why I want
to like read next week, you know what I mean?
But I I just don't understand. They're not telling overarching
stories yet, so I don't We'll see.
We'll see. Yeah, it's a cool.
It's an. Interesting my my opinion might
change soon. In terms of Manchurian
candidates, it's pretty cool to see like that concept played
out, particularly with the most powerful character in the in the
among the freedom fighters. So that was that was
interesting. The build up was really cool to
it. Before he reached Knothole.
That was really. Yeah, I mean, that was the
thing. I, I guess maybe I was more
impressed with the build up than the actual Manchurian Candidate
like stuff, you know what I mean?
I mean, I guess they kind of came in very hostile, but I
would have liked to see maybe more, less action and more like,
hey, maybe Sonic's trying to convince them that he's a one of
them while still under the control of Robotnik.
You know what I mean? You think something a little bit
more? Stretch it out then.
Just let's beat everyone up. You think you need.
They need to stretch it out more.
Not stress it out. Change out what happened.
OK, OK. Yeah, replace some of the action
because these were like 3 big action-packed.
This is mainly just action or parts, it didn't have to be.
OK, fair enough. So more exploration of the
character, which is what we, which is what we actually enjoy.
Exactly. All right, here we go.
Growing Pain script by Mike Gallagher, penciled by Dave
Monoch and inking My Harvo. OK, Sonic and Tails are outside
Tails and lead and marching away from Sonic while Sonic is
following close behind trying to apologize for his actions in the
last story. Tails, come on man, I'm trying
to explain why I slapped you around.
I don't want to hear it. Sonic.
I was under robotics control. You know how tricky old blubber
bolts can be, pal. Oh sure, now you want me to.
Now you want to treat me like I belong.
Well, forget it, tail starts flying away off a Cliff so Sonic
can follow the thanks I get from those freedom fighters.
They treat me like a baby, even with my submarine.
The sea fox Princess Sally tells Roeder not to put any oil in it.
I'm supposed to play in it like a floating crib.
Little do they know I cleaned up an oil soaked seagull and filled
my crankcase. So this baby runs.
Thanks. For reminding us tails.
It it is silly writing, but also just out of context.
It's really, really funny. It's it's absolutely insane.
Little do they know I cleaned up an oil soaked seagull and filled
my crankcase. Tails on docks.
A submarine. How could they know?
Always too busy ignoring me. But guess what guys, I'm out of
here. Tails takes off in a submarine
towards the sunset. Unfortunately for Tails,
Robotnik has a hidden camera again nearby and he saw all of
Tails as little outburst. Installing my robo camera in
that tree has paid off. What a perfect opportunity.
I still have a leftover robot from my recent war with
Princess. With Princess Sally, they are
indistinguishable from real animals.
Nails is sailing around in a submarine boat, and he hears a
call for help coming from a nearby island.
Tails quickly leaps into action, flying out of a submarine.
I don't need anyone's permission.
I'm big, I'm mature, I'm I'm in love.
We see a beautiful fox tied to a coconut tree.
Wow, a gorgeous young female fox in distress.
Have No Fear, Tails is here. What's OK?
Distressed female fox who's also young, right?
I don't know that you're putting words in my mouth.
Well, unless Robotnik created a predator fox.
I I mean it is technically a predator fox because it's a
robot designed to go after tails, right?
So what you want? What you you tell me what should
be what should be the voice for distressed female fox?
I mean, it's got to be a, it needs to be real sexy, right?
Like real sexy. OK, OK, so real feminine.
Whoever you think Fiona would like sound like Fiona's a sexy
name. Who Who is the sexiest character
you could think of? Nick Fictional character
fictional. Character Fictional character
sexiest. Well, the problem is it's Doctor
Robotnik. But you already you already have
a voice for him. I'm sorry I'm.
Sorry, I should I should narrow down.
Maybe this is just because of the fact that it's a fox that
I'm looking at right now, but my mind instantly went to Robin
Hood, the cartoon Robin Hood with the foxes.
Maid. Marian Yeah.
And I'm just thinking. I'm just thinking that cartoon
fox. That was an honest answer from
you, Nick. I was, I was expecting like
Jessica Rabbit or like, hello, nurse from Animaniacs.
OK, Yeah. What's No, it's just, I think
it's just the fact that I'm looking at a fox.
And so like, that's where my mind went.
OK, OK, I'll I will accept it. I will accept that answer.
So what's Maid Marian like? Because I.
Don't I don't remember what they she even sounds like so.
OK, so let's so let's go full. Should we go full?
Full, sexy full, full? Oh yeah, let's make it.
Weird, weird as possible. Let's go full slut.
Let's let's slide it up for the four year old slut.
I'm putting this on the Internet.
OK, OK, here we go. Here we go.
Remember, if you ever have children, they can see this one
day. The the the solution is to just
not have children, OK? Yeah, that's that's that's my
solution. This is this is the day.
OK, here we go. This is this is the moment we
decided not to. Have children.
Here we go. Here we go. 00 Crystal Fox from
Star Fox Adventures. Here we go.
OK, I don't know. Only in that, actually, Yeah.
No, No, No, No. No, no, no.
No, because she's I don't think she's actually that seductive.
It's literally just the scene where Fox is like first finds
her unconscious and it's like the saxophone.
I I, I we're thinking of different games.
Star Fox 64 characters. I I've never really played
Adventure. Oh, it is Crystal.
OK, I think yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.
And she was sexy in Star Fox 64. Or at least they tried to do
like a sexy pilot voice. OK, but it's been a minute so
we're just going to go full Oh, please help me.
How was that? Yeah, that was.
That's good. That was that was bang on.
We went a little too hard in trying to figure out this one
note. Yes, she has.
Other lines. Tails flies down and starts
untying her. The fox introduces herself as
Fiona. How can I ever thank you?
They hold hands, their eyes meet, and they kiss.
We see a montage of the date the two of them have on this island,
frolicking on the beach, carving their name in a tree, and
watching the sunset. We cut a Robotnik watching all
of this on a monitor. Oh, gag me with a chocolate
heart. Time to spring this trap.
Isn't it frustrating to know he's in danger and be helpless?
And be helpless to tell him it's what movie director Alvarez
Hitchcock called the Magothon? OK, sure.
Yeah, that was just a fun little third person thing talking to
us. And I'm like, that's fun.
I'll I'll include this. Where Bonnet goes through a
giant telescope and continues watching.
Ah yes, here they come, The sappy little fools so blinded by
love he doesn't even see me standing on this nearby hill.
Let's stop at my place to freshen up.
It's just up ahead there. That den dug into the side of
the hill. The dude, she's like, I forgot
about this. She is like straight up inviting
him in, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This was going to be an interesting issue.
They walk up to a hill with a hole dug into the side.
Tails walks in 1st and Robotic runs up and slams cage bars on
the hole. Tails sees Robotic and begins to
understand. He starts crying.
Say it isn't so Theo. I was programmed to enslave your
heart and now I've enslaved the rest of you.
Freedom fighter. You wanted to be treated as an
adult, eh? Welcome to the real world.
Fire it up. We find out the entire island is
man made by Robotnik and is a roboticizer.
Robotnik orders. Robotnik orders Fiona to flip
the switch and roboticize Tails. She has a confused and worried
look on her face. Should be continued.
So let's start with the obvious interesting plan that Robotnik
has come up with to get to seduce a four year old fox.
A little weird. Yeah, it's a choice.
I, I, I mean, maybe he's older now.
Maybe we can infer it for instead of like 6, we can say
like 8. No, he's 4, so if anything he's
5. Dominic, we haven't been
following the misadventures of the freedom fighters for like 5
years. This.
Yeah, it's kind of weird for like.
There's really no way to spin this one.
This is an allegory. This is a warning, early
warning. For.
Falling in love for falling in love with people on the
Internet. Because you don't know if
they're AI or not. Not just AI, you don't know if
it's just like a 60 year old ass dude behind the screen.
Literally behind the screen manipulating.
Yeah, I'm disappointed. And Robotnik, he really cock
block tails here because she was going to go all the way until
until he got captured. Would the.
OK, I don't know what I'm saying.
You should just cut that. One.
No, no, no, no. OK, so do you.
Do you think Robotnik would? Would let it go all the way.
Do you? Well, OK, my real question is,
do you think Robotnik would at any point, would he go to jail
for this, for this act? Who?
Who's going to jail him? OK.
No, no. OK, that aside, let's just say
this is an episode of Dateline NBC, right?
This is To Catch a Predator would would when, when do you
go? We got them, ladies and
gentlemen, we got them. When do you go?
I mean, I don't know. OK.
I think, OK, now that I'm thinking about it, probably the
imprisonment part because that's kidnapping short, there's that.
But we're talking about like from a predator standpoint,
which he is very, he is being very creepo predator right now.
Well, also man made island. Knowing how Robotnik operates,
he's definitely got cameras all over this island.
Which means if this if this goes through, he's filming it.
That's That is not good. That is very, very bad.
This is. That is bad.
Yes, we are anti. We are anti whatever that is,
that's a conspiracy charges that is premeditated.
Dude, I mean, we, we arrest them at at inception of the plan,
like this is dateline and he's he's like, we find we even get
whiff of this plan. We're going in because it's just
like, wait a minute, you designed a fox to seduce a four
year old? And an island to trap.
Him and a whole he made a whole island.
He he Epstein this and he like, Oh no.
I was gonna I was gonna say China because China's making man
made islands in the Pacific to combat US naval presence and
power projection in the in the Pacific.
But no, Epstein is a much better apartment and more layman
comparison. So that's this is yeah, this
gets worse the more we look. At yeah, Robonic has an Epstein
island. Not cool?
Yeah, not cool. Robotic.
This got way worse than I thought it was ever going to be.
Well, I mean, it was always going to be bad.
It was always going to. Be made a child fox.
We we don't know. I mean it's a robot, but yeah, I
think like he designed the robot to have a mind.
Does this mind is the mind of like a four year old to like mix
with tails or is the mind like that of a of a 30 something
year? Like how did he program this
mind to seduce this fox? Yeah.
That's the problem. That's.
Concerted programming. That's that's all.
That's all I can say. It's concerted programming.
He programmed that fox, that robot fox.
This is one of those things where I'm just like, yeah, no
one in the writers room asked a single question.
No, they were. They were just like, let's do
it. Cause on the on the surface,
this is classic Looney Tunes. This is Bugs Bunny dressing up
as a hot as a hot babe for Elmer Fudd, right?
Yeah. But the difference there is
it's. Funny.
Bugs Bunny is definitely Yeah. It's funny.
He doesn't. Good.
Also also Bugs Bunny is a is a gay icon 1000% yeah that helps
the amount of cross dressing Bugs Bunny does but yes.
Yeah, Robotnik's not a gay icon, so he can't get away with this,
No. He's a bear, but not not a not a
very good gay bear. Yeah, so weird.
Weird plan from Robotnac. It's a weird plan.
They kind of justify it. They kind of justify it by
saying, well, I have this robot, this spare robot lying around.
So I guess this is the plan we're going with.
Like that, that that was the working with what you have.
It's like, OK, I can kind of see.
I mean, I don't know, I feel like that's him trying to
justify it to himself. Yeah, like this was like what,
like predetermined, but he like saying it out loud so that like
Snively is around so that he can be like, hold on, maybe this is
weird. This is this is him being like,
well, I just happen to have this like hot fox robot that I've
made. I guess I can use it to seduce
this like child fox. The the he's he's saying it out
loud in case crabmeats there so he can be like, yeah, OK, I
guess that's a plan because we just went straight up and was
like, I got this fox. I'm going to seduce the other
fox with that's four years old. Crabmeat or even snively would
be like, I don't know, dude, that sounds kind of fucked.
I don't know what your plan here is, but this is that's I mean
your your plans normally don't make sense, but this makes less
sense than normal. I don't see the end game.
That's, that's one of my favorite things that just, I
think I've done this multiple times where it's, it's like, OK,
here's the plan. We do this, this, this, this,
this and this. And then someone else chimes in.
Wouldn't it be just be easier to just do this?
And then it's just like, that was the answer.
It's like way less, way less problematic, way less
convoluted. But now you've got the the the
added spin here is that there is like straight up child predator
charges that you can file against Robotnik for this
situation. If you think about it, the same
exact plan works if it's just an not not like some robot fox that
trying to like convince Tales to like sleep with him and stuff.
If it's just some helpless robot citizen that you made like some
helpless pedestrian and you just have them programmed to say help
me, help me and Tales is still going to do the same thing.
You kind of went above and beyond having him, like, want to
have sex with this robot? Never mind that actually reminds
me that that that actually does remind me of an American dad
joke where Steve, the nerd son, he's being bullied and he goes,
you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to dress up as a girl.
That way you fall in love with me.
And then when you're and then we and then we have sex.
And then in the middle of sex, I take off the wig and then you
and then you find out how you were having gay sex the whole
time. And then I make fun of you and
then everyone makes fun of you that you had gay sex.
And then another character is like, OK, let you just needed to
do this. Do not need to go into that
whole thing. Yeah, essentially my other
question, Robotnik says the line.
They are indistinguishable from real animals, these robots.
They are. You think he's like you think
he's skinning animals, using their real fur to make these
animal those these animal robots.
That could be or. Do you think they're made out of
synthetic fur? Artificial the the P the child
answer. The PG answer is that it is.
It is artificial, but I like that really dark.
I think he's skinning scars. Yeah, I think so there.
And that opens up a whole new Ave. for his fascism for his for
his evil plans. Whereas like, hey, I am
literally abducting these these helpless animals and skinning
them to to combat. That's that's fucked up.
That's good, good, good thought. I, I, yeah, I will.
I will give a, a single writing point for how the whole genesis
of this story begins with Sonic being like, yo, dude, I'm sorry.
I know I beat the shit out of you.
I slapped you around. Like he literally says I slapped
you around. I'm really sorry about that.
And like that causes OK, cause and effect.
I like that. I think that's really cool.
It's not just tail. It is Tails going off on his own
again. But there was a clear thing from
the last story that I really, I, I admired that.
It does feel like we're finally getting some like cause action
right, some consequences to some of the stories that are
happening. Consequence I'm that's so that's
such yes, 100%. So I'm actually I, this is
probably the most invested I've been in, even if I wasn't like
incredibly happy with the story. I'm interested because it seems
like they're going to start dealing with things that happen.
They they brought in the junior freedom fighters.
They brought in the junior freedom fighters, even if just
for like an attack in the last story, right?
Just just to help. All right, Yeah.
We're fleshing out the You have characters and you're using
them. Yep, I'm I'm excited.
I I think. I think you're right.
Where according to the reading order from the Thanks Contenders
blog, I think the cut off the to the next area, which is going to
be years 95 through 97 is where it's going to start really
picking up. I will say, yeah, so I'm, I'm on
ironically, like I'm excited to see where this is going.
And then prediction for next issue is that the robot grows a
conscience and then saves tales of the.
Last minute, see, that's obviously what's going to
happen, but that's going to I'm already like worried about what
that's going to start implying, right?
If it's a robot that like saves the day, then that means that
these robots and and we've hinted at those that they can
think, they can feel and change their minds, right.
And So what, what kind of world are we setting up where robot, I
mean Sonic being the goody 22 shoes that he is, we're we're
creating a world where robots are such an easy, safe thing to
do because they're programmed to be evil, right?
They're programmed to not have a conscience.
So the moment you start playing and messing with that, which for
the record, I'm here for, I think that's interesting
storytelling and I want to see like what direction to go with.
But in terms of child comics, in terms of child is maybe not the
right word. Comics for kids, for teens, and.
Comics directed towards youth and then read by 30 year old
adults because they're idiots. The implications of these robots
growing in conscience is going to throw a rock into whatever
plans these riders are creating. Because now every single swap,
every single crab you see, you're like, well can they?
Can they grow? Can they change?
And Sonic is killing them, right?
Yeah. You you, you create robots so
you don't have to ask those questions.
And so giving these robots that type of conscious I think is
maybe a. It opens up a can.
Of worms, maybe. Yeah, it opens up a can of
worms. I don't think they're prepared
to answer, and you can't really close the can of worms once
they're opened. Kind of like Pandora's box.
A can of Pandora. That's that's what we'll say.
That's what I was thinking too, and that's the issue.
Only 390 left to go. I'm Nick.
I stream at twitch.tv/mojosaurus.
My personal blue sky is at Mojosaurus.
I'm Dominic, you can follow my jazz adventures in Chicago at
Blue Collar Jazz. Got some exciting things lined
up as well as you can follow my Blue sky at Domguan.
You can follow us on socials I got to talk fast TikTok.
It's got to talk faster. We also have a video version of
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And remember when life keeps going fast.
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I love you. I love you, OK?
Gotta Talk Fast was written by Nick Folkerts and edited by
Dominic Guanzon. Intro and outro themes recorded
by Dominic Guanzon Gotta Go Fast.
Originally composed by Norman J Grossfeld, Joseph Garrity and
Russell Velasquez. Gotta gotta, gotta talk.
Gotta talk fast. Gotta talk fast.