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Hello, hello and welcome back to
the Tiny Pod. 

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This week I want to talk about 
perfection, which feels 

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especially important at this 
time of year. 

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At Christmas and during 
holidays, birthdays, family 

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events, perfection creeps up 
because the nervous system 

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believes, existentially, that if
this goes wrong, something bad 

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will happen. 
Anytime we have an event or as 

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parents have a school holiday, 
or we travel with someone we 

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love, we want everything to be 
perfect. 

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Perfection is not a preference. 
It is stress response. 

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It's anxiety inducing, it's 
uncomfortable, it actually takes

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us out of the moment so we can 
miss the moment. 

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It adds pressure. 
And it's all driven from our 

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nervous system being 
dysregulated in fight or flight.

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From this sense that we will not
survive if we fail. 

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We will not survive if we are 
seen as human or flawed. 

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Perfection is actually the 
opposite of intimacy, of 

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connection, of presence, of fun,
of joy, because it steals our 

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presence and it hijacks our 
ability to just enjoy the 

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moment. 
The word perfection comes from 

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the Latin perfectare, meaning to
complete, to finish, or to make 

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completely done. 
In its earliest sense, something

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was perfect when it was whole, 
when nothing essential was 

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missing. 
Over time, especially under 

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religious, moral, and capitalist
frameworks, the meaning shifted 

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from wholeness to faultlessness,
from being to performing. 

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When people chase perfection, 
what they're often really 

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longing for is completion, 
safety, and belonging. 

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But this doesn't come from 
Polish, it comes from 

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integration. 
Perfection was never meant to 

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mean flawless, It meant 
complete. 

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And we don't become complete by 
erasing parts of our self, we 

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become complete by including 
them. 

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Perfection isn't about joy. 
It's about avoiding shame, 

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rejection, abandonment, or 
danger. 

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For many of us, early childhood 
experiences taught us mistakes 

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led to criticism, mess led to 
withdrawal of love, imperfection

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led to conflict, and relaxation 
led to chaos. 

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So the nervous system learned I 
must control the environment to 

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stay safe. 
Being human wasn't safe, but 

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looking perfect was. 
I grew up in a home that was 

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chaotic, full of hoarding, mess 
and overwhelm. 

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That was the real environment. 
But when people were coming 

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over, there was an urgent, 
frantic transformation. 

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My mother would panic and shout 
at us. 

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We'd hide her bags of stuff, 
close off rooms so strangers 

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could enjoy a version of our 
home we never lived in. 

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Their comfort cost us a whole 
day of stress, and when they 

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left, the performance ended and 
the chaos returned. 

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Perfection wasn't care. 
It was theatre. 

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And often that's what perfection
is. 

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Pretence. 
A brief illusion of control 

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layered over a nervous system 
that never gets to rest. 

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Being human is delightfully 
imperfect, and safety doesn't 

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come from hiding the mess, it 
comes from not having to 

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perform. 
I was in someone's house 

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recently and their front room 
was museum level Immaculate. 

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And I said curiously, how do you
do this with an 8 year old? 

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And she replied oh she knows not
to come in here. 

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And I remember thinking, that's 
not a regulated environment, 

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that's a managed one. 
When children learn that certain

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spaces are for appearance rather
than living, they also learn 

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that belonging is conditional. 
Their safety depends on not 

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disturbing the image. 
Her mother literally uses 

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sellotape to get crumbs out of 
the cracks in the kitchen, and 

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that's impressive level cleaning
standards. 

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But also, I'd rather read a 
book. 

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I'd rather play with my kids. 
I'd rather build a life. 

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Perfection often looks like 
care, but it's frequently care 

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directed at surfaces. 
It tidies the room while 

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exhausting the people inside it.
A home that's too perfect is 

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often calm on the outside and 
tents on the inside. 

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Children don't need Immaculate 
rooms. 

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They need rooms that can survive
living. 

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I don't want a house that looks 
untouched. 

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I want one where people feel 
free to touch. 

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Children don't remember perfect 
days. 

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Children feel truth in their 
bodies. 

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They remember how regulated you 
were, whether stress filled the 

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room, whether you laughed when 
things went wrong, whether 

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mistakes were survivable. 
A perfect holiday with a 

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dysregulated parent is far more 
frightening than a messy one 

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with a present parent. 
My mother would be shocked when 

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I invited people with young 
children to come and stay in my 

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house panicking. 
What are you going to do? 

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They'll break everything because
to her, body, children and 

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objects equal threat. 
Damage equals danger, and mess 

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is loss of control. 
I told her that's exactly what I

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built my home for. 
To be broken, to be used, to be 

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enjoyed. 
And with two boys, my kitchen is

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basically an indoor sports 
court. 

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Breakages are just part of the 
job and I always say not worth 

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ruining A childhood over. 
A spilt drink led to a beating 

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in my childhood, so in my home 
it just leads to a tea towel 

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mopping it up. 
Objects are replaceable, 

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childhood is not. 
Joy in our house matters far 

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more than image, and their 
safety matters more than stuff. 

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Adults who still flinch at mess 
were often children who learned 

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to freeze. 
I am raising my children in the 

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opposite of perfection culture. 
Their nervous systems know I can

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move, I can spill, I can exist 
loudly, and I am still safe. 

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The freedom they feel in their 
bodies is the opposite of the 

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fear I felt in mine. 
As a child. 

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I was in a constant state of 
hypervigilance. 

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My nervous system was wired to 
try and manage threat by 

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managing appearance. 
I would constantly reapply 

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makeup, look in any reflective 
surface, awkwardly tug my 

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T-shirt as if a perfectly placed
T-shirt would somehow increase 

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my value or my sense of safety 
when the opposite was true. 

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Perfection did not create safety
and being just right never 

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insulated me from harm because 
the safety I was searching for 

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doesn't live on the surface. 
I am totally relaxed going into 

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any room around anyone because I
don't want to be perfect, I want

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to be real. 
I don't want to impress, I want 

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to connect, and I don't want to 
be the best. 

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I just want to be myself. 
Instead of anxiety, there is 

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ease. 
Perfection kept me scanning. 

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Realness lets me rest. 
In letting go of perfection, I 

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gained myself. 
Perfection prioritises 

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appearance. 
Regulation prioritises 

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relationship, regulated people 
are trustworthy, relaxed people 

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are magnetic, and presence 
outshines Polish every time. 

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Perfection delays living fully. 
Perfection says I'll live once 

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everything is sorted. 
I'll enjoy this once nothing can

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go wrong. 
But that moment never comes. 

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Life happens anyway. 
Regulation isn't about calming 

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down. 
Afterlife happens. 

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It is about being resourced 
while it's happening. 

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Perfection steals presence and 
postpones aliveness. 

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If you're exhausted by trying to
get it right, that's an 

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invitation home to yourself and 
your body asking for permission 

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to be human. 
Perfection is often grief that 

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hasn't been allowed to speak, 
the childhood that felt unsafe, 

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the family we wish we had had, 
and the version of life we hoped

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would finally feel safe. 
So we try to manufacture a 

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moment that will redeem the 
past. 

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But no event can do that, and 
the disappointment of an 

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imperfect Christmas can often 
feel oversized because it was 

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never about that day. 
But when someone says I just 

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want it to be perfect for 
everyone, what they're often 

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saying is I don't feel safe 
enough to let this be human. 

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But safety is not things going 
right. 

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Safety is knowing you'll be OK 
when they go wrong. 

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When we are regulated in our 
nervous system, we allow rest 

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without fear and create room for
things not to go as planned 

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without feeling we failed. 
Freedom is knowing you can 

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disappoint and still belong. 
Perfection is amplified by 

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social media and our modern 
culture. 

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When people compare themselves 
to highlight reels and feel less

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than, it creates nervous system 
hyper arousal. 

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Your nervous system interprets 
comparison as survival threat 

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and sets off a warning signal 
throughout the body. 

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Perfection invites envy, 
judgement or detachment. 

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Imperfection invites empathy and
relational closeness because 

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vulnerability and imperfection 
are the currencies of 

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connection. 
Perfection is outward focus, 

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external validation, seeking and
protects shame, unmeetably high 

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standards and the masks people 
wear to try and be accepted 

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socially, while it quietly 
removes authenticity, 

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vulnerability and the 
possibility of true connection. 

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As Anne Lamott wrote, 
perfectionism is the voice of 

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the oppressor, the enemy of the 
people. 

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It will keep you insane your 
whole life. 

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Perfection is the opposite of 
intimacy. 

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Intimacy requires flexibility, 
repair, humour, tolerance for 

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mess. 
Perfection needs control, image 

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management and emotional 
suppression. 

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Perfection creates distance, not
closeness. 

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It consumes every thought about 
doing it right and avoiding 

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shame steals attention from 
connection and time away from 

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spontaneity, play and 
creativity. 

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Perfection is a mask, and masks 
always create distance. 

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But when we let the mask fall, 
intimacy and authenticity arrive

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instead of being present. 
Perfection is often a rehearsal 

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for the imagined judgement of 
others in the future. 

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If I fail now, I'll be 
remembered faultily later. 

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Perfection is living in your own
mental prison, performing for 

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imaginary others, not real 
humans. 

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When we try to make things 
perfect, it's often an 

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unconscious attempt to control 
the experience of others, how 

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they feel and how they perceive 
us. 

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Perfection is trying to predict 
human emotion, which is 

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impossible as humans are by 
their very nature unpredictable.

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No two people respond the exact 
same way, and the more you try 

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to control, the more tension you
create. 

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Perfection doesn't just steal 
joy, it steals energy from the 

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people around you. 
The more perfect you try to be, 

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the less real engagement you 
create. 

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Chasing perfection feeds a false
sense of self. 

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We mistake the curated version 
of ourselves as who we are, and 

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perfection and joy are separate 
systems. 

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Joy is spontaneous and emergent,
not engineered. 

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You can't schedule joy or 
decorate it into existence. 

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Joy happens in the gaps where 
perfection isn't policing us. 

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Perfection lives in the future, 
presence lives in the now, and 

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you cannot inhabit both. 
When we're chasing the perfect 

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day, the perfect Christmas, 
we're monitoring instead of 

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being, managing instead of 
relating, performing instead of 

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playing. 
So even when the moment arrives,

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we miss it because we're busy 
checking whether it's perfect. 

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And that is why people feel 
oddly flat after events they 

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have worked so hard for. 
The most memorable moments of 

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our lives are rarely the 
polished ones. 

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They're the ones where we were 
present enough to feel, to 

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laugh, to repair and to be 
human. 

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Perfection doesn't create 
magical, lasting memories. 

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Regulation does. 
This Christmas, don't aim for 

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perfection. 
Aim for safety, for presents, 

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for love and time together to be
felt and remembered. 

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Perfect is the enemy of the 
good, and that's all any of us 

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are here for, to have a truly 
good time with people we love. 

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Happy Christmas, I'll see you 
next week.