Greetings Gum, and welcome to Part 2 of our holiday special.
If you're listening to this, this means that you have no
problem with senseless violence, vulgar language and extreme
amounts of ejaculate references. Again, there's so much come.
Listener discretion is advised. So I'm going to say that with
all that's going on, you've all had the soup.
You've all had you feel you've all been delighted by the tale
that Beagle staff is told. You realize that it's pretty
late at night and Beagle staff gives you guys lodgings for the
night and it'll show you where you all need to go to find the
mystical soup in the morning. The night passes.
You guys sleep pretty well. A bloody rooster crows,
signaling the dawn. Nate, you have one more day
until that lump of coal literally comes out your ass.
Oh, I hope it's not any longer than a single day before this
lump of coal comes out. Did anybody else think that
Rooster sounded particularly bloody?
No. No, it's not a bloody enough to
me, I suppose. Trying to process how you ended
up with a lump of coal in your colon.
It sounds like a complex back sword.
Yeah, complex. Woof, woof indeed, Mr. Mixed
News. Emphasis on the back.
Oh God. Oh, oh, oh God, from you.
I don't know why. Oh, is this too much?
Is this offending your your soft Amina there, Mr. Fisk Baskins?
Oh no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.
It's just weird. Weird.
You guys are weird. All right.
Woof. Actually, you're right.
I really have no other like I I, I have no basis for comparison
for what you're like. You just like toes I.
Toes are great. Sure, I'm sure you haven't spent
any time with any other weird people before.
Surfing, you're looking good. That's you're not making a case
for yourself. Legal staff is just looking from
the corner and be like you guys are weird.
I like it, but you guys are. Weird.
No, you're not wrong, Sir. Can somebody roll me one D6 and
somebody roll me one D4? I'll do the four.
I got a one on the six right? Three, doing great, Levi.
Thank you. Appreciate.
IT legal staff looks at you and goes.
So you guys are off, huh? I believe so.
There's soup to be had. Yeah, so I'm good.
I need to go see Uncle Ricky. Yes.
Speaking of soup, it's not enough, but I got you one
portion of soup, and I found these three health potions lying
around. I figured they'd be better of
use to you all than me. Well, much oblige this
appreciate you. And at this point, I'm going to
slide him 20 silver. It's kind of on the sly.
Thank you for your hospitality. Well.
Thank you very much. And he shakes the coins in his
hand and he puts it in his back pocket.
If he doesn't have any pockets in paint, So what where he puts
them item? Oh, the prison.
We know the pocket, yeah. Of course, of course, you know
what I mean. All the best are kept player.
You. Keep that.
That's yours now. I was going to do some good
money with this and he shakes his ass and you hear the coins
shake up. That's that's way more than 20
silver in that asshole he. Opens the door and sees you all
out on your way. As you all look back you see the
old man Beagle staff wave you down and he yells.
Be careful it's weird as fuck in there.
I thought you were coming with us to show us the way.
I'm too old, does the weather affect my knees?
I have a feeling that he's going to like, disappear after we hit
about like, you know, the next 30 or 40 yards here.
Oh, this cabin never existed kind of thing.
I I have I have a very weird holiday purgatory feeling right
now. Oh good, good, I'm into that.
I stop at his feet and roll over for belly rubs.
Legal staff bends down. You hear his knees click a bit.
And all the coins rush to the front end of his.
Trousers. Oh, those things it's.
Like a loose blanket. I stand up on my hind legs and
lick his face with my apparently human tongues and run after
everyone else. Legal staff doesn't know how to
feel about a slightly human faced dog licking him on the
face. He's like.
OK, OK, OK. It's not the worst thing to
happen to you. Oh.
Shit. Really thought he was going to
keep that thing. I assumed he was one of your.
Guys's dog fuck. No, look at his face.
I don't know. Fucking neither do we, Fred
bitch. I'm purebred.
It's worse. Oh, miss some mixed dudes, I'll
take you in. That's cold and bland as that
was. I I think there's a connection
going on here. Bacula, you look.
Also, I don't bark I I say the word woof.
Yeah. Bacula looking you look pale and
that. Are most unsettled.
Because I have to put all this fucking cream on during the day.
It's sensitive skiing. OK look I'm a creature of the
night and not the fucking day. I get the little Scentsy in the
skin area when it comes to daylight.
I fucking hate it. So bright out here, especially
with all the snow all. Right.
Can we get this clear? Really.
This dude's what? Is the weather like?
This dude's a fucking vampire, right?
Are we going to, are we going to talk about this?
You. Shouldn't make assumptions here?
I just have the. Creature, are you calling this
man a vampire? A blood cell?
No. No, I don't do that.
No. No, no.
No, no, no one's saying you were.
He just likes. Fresh No one's saying you were
all. Right, coming from the man Pearl
Jam. No I don't.
You're getting it wrong. God damn farmer set me up for
failure. Fuck stupid.
At this point, Harold hey, that Hurts is just going to start
walking into the forest. Just.
Away from this situation. Yeah, there's a weird awkward
silence and you can hear like the clockwork ticking there's
and it's just like turn and just start following Harold as well.
I'm more curious about this one so I'm going to go with them.
And somebody rolled me AD 6. Please.
I'll do it 3. Three, it's been 3 hours since
you guys have ventured from Beagle staff house and things
don't take long before they start getting weird.
They weren't they wants. I was just with who we were
walking with, like. Defined weird.
You instead of the sounds of animals, you hear them sort of
reverberate and slightly echo at a low pitch.
You believe you hear the sound of faint bells in the distance,
the singing of children. You hear a quiet along the wind.
Boy, boy, boy. Now I might just be a simple
country Dr. But. Oh, do tell.
This this right here. This right here.
I'm OK with the weirdness here, but as soon as we hit the point
where there's children laughing specifically out here in the
hell, can somebody else? Please, you're afraid of
children. Well, children are terrifying.
I'm with him on that. But I don't see anything wrong
here. It's perfectly normal, perfectly
safe. I'm sure we're doing just fine.
You. Could say you're not the.
Nutrition. Somebody roll to the D8 please.
I'll do it. Fuck no, I want apparently fuck
4. Or you keep walking, and then in
this clearing of forest, you come up on a desk.
You see a quill, an ink bottle and a piece of paper.
See what I've been trying to say?
It's fucking way too normal. Well, let's just see what it
says. I'm going to go read the paper.
You can read. Oh yeah, yeah.
Surprises me too, yeah. Good for you.
You all. Well-rounded.
So, Fisk, you're going to read the paper.
Yeah. All right, you go up to the
paper and you look at it from what you see.
There's unintelligible writing, scribblings of a madman,
pictures of weird figures. He's all work.
A no play makes Jack a doughboy. All work a no play makes Jack a
doughboy. Saint Nick was here, and the
soup was hearty and flavorful. And the blood run red all
through the snow. Please roll me a detox.
Is anybody looking over a fist's shoulder?
Yes, I'm always creeping over the.
I'm peeing on the side of the desk.
I'm keeping my distance from him.
OK, so Jake, you said you're looking over your shoulder.
Yes. OK, roll me AD 20.
Oh. Me too.
Yeah, YouTube. Whoever's reading the paper has
to roll AD 20. Would you get big guy I'll.
Give it a peek. See Just to Add.
Anything to it? Presents Golf.
That's a 19. I got a natural 20I.
Got a 15 on the die +3 so that's a 18 for me.
All right. One of you roll me AD 4I.
Don't know, Jake. Oh fuck 4.
All right. What are those?
You rolled A4. Yes, he has four black things in
his hands. Doom.
Busy boy, I don't like that. Roll me in. 110.
That's my fucking tent. No, I've lost 2.
OK, 2. Yeah.
All right, as you all read the paper, the sound of barking dogs
from Mr. Mcsnoot's in their barks.
Their barks fade in your ears or don't, even though they're right
next to you. Like they slowly fade and they
put ticking of Ferris's metal workings disappears.
Dr. Creature talking about the lump of coal in his ass becomes
a dull. You look up from the paper and
you see a woman, pale white skin with her eyes sewn shut and
spiders coming down from a black hood slightly covering her face.
What? Kind of shoes is she wearing?
And she says. Her feet, Her feet are bare and.
Black. I can get into that.
Good luck weirdo. And she looks at, well, she
stands in front of me, the three of you, and she says.
Beasts. Oh God, I don't.
Like that? That tone is not great.
Roll DR12 presence all. Of us.
All of you. Oh.
Fucking duck. Just just these guys or the rest
of us as well? Pew, the guys who read the
paper. 16. Well, I got a five, hey.
I got a six. Is this where I should omen?
That's up to you dude. I got 16.
I'm good here. That sounds like a you problem
buddy. Just let it happen.
Tell us what happens. This.
Woman lifts up her arms and spiders, just like a swarm of
spiders, just launch in front of you and climb all over your
face, and you can feel them just go in your ears, in your mouth.
You feel them. Scratching behind your eyes and
in your brain. And then you wake up.
What? The fuck?
Well, that was a weird sight to see.
Very weird to see. I seemed to have drooled all
over this table when I passed. I.
Didn't see anything. That was so strange, you.
Didn't see the lady with all the the fucking spiders coming out
of her arms. She had well manicured toes.
Oh, Frostbits. And they were.
Yeah, they were very dark, but I like.
It no it's weird for me to be concerned.
Harris is going to lean into Doctor Creature again.
It's just I think we just let those guys do all the dumb
stuff. Like, yeah, obviously not
reading that was a good idea. Oh, it was great.
No, it was a. Story.
No, yeah, you're right, I was the weird one for being
concerned about. This, everybody.
And from what I got out of that was we're on the right track.
We are. But that was for sure, yeah.
That does. Right here.
What about it?
What are we? Talking about a woman, the
children or something in the cocoon and everyone eating the
hot dog soup, the salami soup. We're on the right track.
It's hard to remember. I still feel like there's
spiders behind my eyeballs. Alright, raise your hands if you
feel like that sounds like on the right track.
We're on the right track. I lift my hand up.
I agree with. I got no hands.
Harold raises his hand up and he's been vomiting this whole
time because he just cannot take the fact that he's had like,
spiders in and all around him, so he's just been driving this
whole time. You're going to make yourself
hungry. Oh God, don't do that.
Don't do that. Oh, the sound alone.
I. Swear spot Why did?
I never went to a. Spiders.
This is my least favorite bit. Honestly.
All right. After a few moments of you guys,
you composing yourselves, talking with it amongst your
friends, trying to get your composure back, you eventually
do, and you all make your way through the woods.
Note to the listeners that little segment was brought to
you by Icon, but the three of you that saw the spiders, you
are all eternally bound in a semi ambulatory somnambulent
twilight, trudging ever onward as you and and company your
friends. That sounds.
Fine now. Yeah.
Yeah, somebody rolled me a they didn't.
Touch me. They didn't touch me.
What are we rolling? 55.
Oh, OK. After like another indiscernible
amount of time, you come across a gigantic.
Yule. Tree.
It is a giant pine tree adorned with makeshift ornaments of
weird figurines, occult symbols, stuff that you have not even
seen, or weird little carvings. They are lit by blood red
candles and you can see some of the needles in this pine tree.
They go from from the top of the tree, which by the way, the
start of the tree is a skull. It starts from a brilliant dark
green, and as you look down the base of the tree, the needles
turn more darker and darker and black, and then as you gaze upon
the trunk of the tree, more strange occult symbols are
carved in it. You have no idea what the fuck
they mean, but there are 6 presents, one for each of you.
I pee on the tree. Hey, hey, hey, don't pee on
those presents layer. I pee on the tree.
This is my bit now. Are the presents a?
Dog getting it? I got it from him.
What The weirdest thing about the presents is that each one of
those boxes has one of your names on them.
There's a present for Scott Bakula, there's a present for
Harold, there's a present for Doctor Creature and Fisk, Mr.
Mcsnoots and. Ferris.
Well, who am I to? Yeah, stare a gift horse in the
mouth and I'm going to go up to the first one and open it up.
OK, roll me AD. Four, I like D fours.
That's a 2. You got A2 all right.
Yes, Sir. With.
That you get. Let's.
See here. Oh well, with the two you get a
standard. Weapon.
So. Please roll me a D10.
All right. It's 4.
You get you got a nice brand new knife.
Oh, beautiful. That's a knife.
Look at this boys, I got myself a brand new shiny Bowie knife.
Well, would you look at that? Teres goes to try to reach for
his gift and he can't hold on to it.
So it's just like, start hacking into the paper.
Hold on, let me roll your D. Four, I will help with that.
You know you don't have to fuck everything up again.
I got a, got a four, got a 40. Oh, buddy.
Oh buddy, please roll me AD 12 I.
Don't. 3 with a three. Oh my.
Goodness, you get a bunch of spiders.
With this. Poisonous moths.
So I'm going to say I made a list of weapons based upon the
12 days of Christmas. You have.
Gotten one of these holy. Holy.
I know a. Dull.
Golden Crown with three points roll DR14 presents to read the
minds of a target within range. Cool.
On a failed cheek, the Crown broadcasts your thoughts to
everyone else. Oh man.
All right, Yeah, I'll put the crown on like awkwardly.
It's sitting awkward on my head. Yeah, I'll try the presents
check right now, OK. Please roll me a A.
VR14. Presents.
So 15 presents. I would like the spider man.
Oh, sure. I got a 16.
I just want you to fail. Who you doing like?
I kind of wanted to as well so. Whose mind are you trying to
read? I'm going to try and read Scott
Bakulin that. Has to be fine.
Scott, what do you think it has to be?
Scott. You know, come to think of it,
those cookies weren't so bad and I could really go for another
cup of that. I'm not.
Why am I? Even thinking this is the worst
thing. You do, you try one thing one
time and all of a sudden you're just hooked.
It's like drugs. I don't understand.
I wonder if that farmer is. Still around?
Do you think maybe you would just we had better things to do?
You're realizing now you stepped on a boner land mine.
It's the strangest emotions about all of this when I get it
straight from the source. So I am just.
I'll take ass. There there is just staring at
him now. What are you looking at?
If there was a way for a mechanical, there was a way for
a mechanical face to express fear, you would have me
terrified. What do I have something on my
face again? Does anyone else want to open
with me? I will, I will open mine.
All right, yes, roll me AD 4. 2. Oh, you got a standard weapon?
Roll me AD 10. I wanted a cool thing.
A7. Oh, with a.
Sieve. In you do.
Ah, OK, you get a crossbow. A brand new shiny crossbow.
What's your presence at plus 1 + 1?
Cool. You get a crossbow and that has
11 bolts. In.
It oh for all of your toes. All 11 toes, Yeah, there's
still. Three bras and slams.
Oh. What do you think?
Should we help the fucking dog? I'm just.
Watching I don't understand in you this.
Come here, boy. Woof.
Fucking I got a 2. You got a standard weapon,
buddy? Roll me in me. 10. 4.
You get a knife. A brand new knife.
I can do stuff for the knife. So if I remember correctly,
Jake, you're you're helping Mr. Mix Newts unwrap his present.
Yeah, Harold and I will help me. Yeah.
Oh, wait, Harold, did you open a gift?
I Oh no. I.
Did I got the name? Yeah.
All right. So Scott, you helped Mr. Mixnuts
open his gift. Mr. Mixnuts, do you accept the
gift? I like the sound of the wrapping
paper. I'm interested.
All right, please roll me AD 4. AD4AD44.
You keep. That roll on the 12th.
Of Christmas, another 4. OK. 4.
Ah OK. You get a sort of like a big old
wrist guard and on it is a tiny crossbow mounted on it.
For a dog, I. See on.
It, you know, would it be strap to his bed size wrist guard or
would it be like, that's what I'm trying to get at, yeah.
Turret Dog. It's actually.
I'm already wearing a harness with a carrying handle on it.
Oh. Coincidentally, it actually I'm
spoke it fits perfectly around your side and the crossbow is
mounted in the position where it will not hit.
You. Oh, it has D8 shots, so please
roll me AD 83. Cool.
So you have three shots of that and each effect is different.
Oh my God. On a successful DR12 presence
hit. Hey, that's my good one.
Hey. And finally, yeah, it's Scott's
bacula. There is one more gift on the
tree and then it is free. Why is there a tiny little
distance with the name Barbara on it right next to it?
Oh, that's. Nothing.
Don't. Worry about that did something
else and I put that one in my Cape.
I got a four. You got a four?
Yeah, yes. All right.
Roll me D12O. Fuck A1.
A1. No.
You.
Open your box and you pull out this, for lack of a better word,
a grenade that looks like a Christmas ornament look.
It's a It's a pineapple. Eat it well.
I'm going to pull my Cape over my face and then try to non no
taste like straight metal. Gross.
It's got this weird little pin on it though.
I'm going to finger that pinhole.
Oh no, we'll. We'll we'll finger my pinhole
later. I.
Fucking I turn around and open the door that just arrived there
and I fucking walk out. Fucking 4th dimensionally.
This was a very nice tree. See Fisk, this is not such bad,
you know, Journey, all these other clowns, they don't seem to
understand just because we saw the spider God.
I've seen it, but it didn't touch my eyeballs, I'll tell you
that. Oh, unfortunate.
I am ready to go. You OK?
They're dark. I just can't believe I'm going
to die with you people and with. Cold.
Stuffed in my ass, yeah. Well, why did you put it up?
There I lick Scott Bacula's face to thank him for opening my
present for. Me.
Oh, you're welcome. Careful of my lips.
You don't want to get cut. I mean, never mind.
Everything is. I mean.
Never mind. Woof.
Yes, yes, woof indeed. All righty, please somebody roll
AD 20. Walt, you do it.
Fuck it, I've got 1 here I. Hope. 14. 14.
Oh, OK. You come to a clearing in the
forest and you see hanging from the trees the various stockings
of different sizes. They're all hung on the branches
of the trees. They're like all over the place,
just hanging and a slight breeze blows and you hear jingling in
the stockings. I'm starting to feel like this
is a fun time. We're getting presents, we're
spending time together. What?
What happened to all? The stockings.
Oh, they are well within your reach.
Like you all can, like, literally place your hand in a
stocking. Yeah.
I'm going to I'll. I'll pee on that.
I thought would. Suit all right.
How you place your? Hand being peed on.
OK, you grab a stocking and please roll me AD 4.
Oh shit, what's that? 01.
Okay, what's that mean? Okay with a one, please roll me
a D10. 11 ready. You stick your hand in and you
pull out 10. Goals I I hand it to Fisk.
Money means nothing to me. Sorry, I do not want this.
This seems far. Why am I the only real person
here? I appreciate it.
Wow, I can get a new cart. No, you could probably get some
new sandals to show off your toes.
No, it's winter time. I can't.
I can't do that. I don't want.
It says the man wearing clocks everywhere he goes.
Oh. Well, I love a croc.
Yeah, those crocodile heads are real fucking great.
Yeah, the nose holes are great. Come on.
Pick, pick. Absolutely.
I'm going to put my hand in one of these.
There you are getting it. First, come on seasons,
greetings and joyful everyone. You're like a single holiday
behind No2 holidays behind. I got lost on my way to a
fucking Halloween party and that farmer kept me all locked up for
God knows how long. You ate a lot more shit cookies
than I think you originally, no. Never mind.
I I'm going to try to use my crown and I want to try and read
this mind. Please roll me DR14.
That is ADR 13. All right, what do you what,
what are you thinking right now that everybody can hear?
Holy shit, these assholes. Like Doc's cool, but what the
fuck I'm. Fucking I'm I'm with you bud.
I'm with you bud the entire way. Oh shit, what?
What what what is that supposed to mean there, robo friend?
Oh shit, you heard that. Yeah.
You did. I'm.
Just over here thinking. I pee on him.
Yeah, good mixed notes. I rolled A4 by the way.
Oh, you rolled A4? Yeah.
Are you? Kidding.
Cool. Old.
DR12 Strength. DR12 Strength.
You pulling out of the socks. He's going to get a bear.
Trap. 11 Do I Do I want an omen to reduce?
I don't know DI. Don't know what the strength
role I omen to reduce. Why not?
All right, to reduce it. OK, You reduce it to 11.
Yeah. Yeah.
You succeed. You stick your hand in.
You don't feel anything quite right.
Maybe you dig in deep a little more deeper and then you feel
the stocking try to pull you up violently, but it doesn't grip
on to your hand and it just whips up into the trees and as
it whips up you hear a low. Growling.
I don't think that was good. Hey stop, stop low growling so
we can hear and all this other low growling.
You can. You be quiet.
It's. Kind of like you could you, you
can hear it, it's up in the trees, but it's kind of like all
around you. You can't really discern like
where the growling is coming. From I don't think that's a good
song. Distracted by the growling, I'm
going to grab the stocking that Mister Mix Newts peed on and I'm
going to check that one out. All right.
You find dog piss? For sure, you don't have to roll
for that one. Throw me AD 4.
That's a 2. OK, with A2 we roll strength.
That's not my good set. I'm going to use an omen because
that was not good. That was an 8.
Are you going to reduce or re roll it?
I'm going to reduce so that passes.
The same thing happens to you that happened the Fisk, the
stocking, but you are sticking your hand in it, right?
I am. OK, good.
Thank you. OK, so you feel your hand pull
it in, maybe a bit more cautious after observing Fisk, and just
like before the stocking witch finally up in the air trying to
take you with it. It fails and you see it
disappear into the treetops and you hear that low growling like
it sounds more annoyed that it didn't pull you up.
I think this is AI. Don't think this is a good idea.
I. Think it's like I feel like.
I think I know. Cool, but this might be a trap.
I think I know what this dog wants and I pick up Mr. Mick
Snoots and I put him in one of the. 1.
Put him into the. Thumb like.
All right, roll D4, please, Mr. Mcsnoots.
Woof for. For all the yard strength.
Strength I got a Natal use an omen to reduce.
Right. Just like before, like as soon
as you're placed into it, you feel that yarn that's attached
to the stocking like tighten and try to whip you up, But you
wiggle your way out, bite your way out the bottom of the
stocking, however you want to get out.
But you get out of it at the last minute and you see, just
like before, the stocking go up into the trees and now you hear
a loud roar. I look at Doctor Creature and
say woof woof woof woof. I'm sorry, I can't speak.
Dog, I'm sorry, OK? I pee on you.
I pee on me too. Shit, damn it.
I'm dedicated. Dedicated.
To the Rock has a huge TI. We need to.
We need to leave here. Now.
Can can somebody listen to me as if I am the actual same person
here? Sounds good.
I I am on board with that. Let's go.
Yeah, I think I'm with you boys. I quickly move like I'm just got
off of course. I'm just going to grab every
last stocking quick. You are the one that actually
got something out of it. No, Jake did.
Jake. Yeah, he gave it to him.
Oh yeah. Yeah, he gave it to him.
I grabbed all the stockings. Fishing, you get fucking drawn
and ordered. You grab all the stockings.
All the stockings, there's a lot.
Oh, there's a lot. I grabbed.
Hold me deep or. Fist my sweet summer boy, just
leave the stockings alone so we can just get the hell out of
here. I really need them, I really do.
I think you're a little greedy. You're.
Freezing cover them toes. You're you want to cover them
toes. That doesn't sound like you at
all, my friend. My toes.
I love everybody else's. OK.
That's about reason I. Think you have to do?
This roll the R12 strength. How many times?
You said four or five. You did this.
I'm walking first. One might eat.
You. I'm leaving from the the the
what is currently roaring at us, by the way.
That's an 18. Yeah.
That's an 18. All right, you grab four or
five, OK, You don't RIP all of them off.
You RIP. Yeah, All right, as these things
that you have now thoroughly pissed off are trying to that
you're trying to pull, it's pulling out, you're in a tug of
war. You can't run with a good
purchase. Like even with that 18, you
can't really get a good purchase on trying to get all of these
stockings off their yarny vines. But you managed to cut.
You managed to cut one of them off Roll me AD 10. 6.
Cool. And in one of that stockings you
get 60 gold. Holy shit.
I'm loading. Oh I'm rich.
Wow, I feel. Bad.
But at this point, all of the stockings creep up into the
trees and you hear that low growl turn into a snarl and a
hiss and. I run away.
Yeah, I grabbed the stocking and run away too.
All right, somebody roll me AD 20.
I'll do it. That's a three. 3.
Yes, Sir. After you make haste and beat
feet from that little wherever the fuck nightmare patch of
forest was, you come across an old and decrepit house.
Adorned on the front is a damaged sign, but you can make
out the words Toy FACTORY. The building itself is in a
horrible state. Windows are smashed, there's
graffiti on the outside. Many, many graffiti portraits of
Dicks. My goodness, there's a lot of
penis all over this building and Banks has been here big.
Couple. Doors to the entrance.
Of the toy. Shop are like knocked off the
hinges. You can see clearly into the
workshop you guys want to go in. Gentlemen, we should probably
get away from that creepy tree and maybe duck out in this
building. I don't know, but I would.
Like to get out of the sun? I don't know the last.
The building we went into had a creepy old guy that fed you
people what we think it was Stew.
It was. Great it was.
Very delicious. You're kind of like a toy, you
know, Maybe. Wow.
OK, that's just rude. That's.
Derogatory. And what's McCall?
It's just saying. You look like you have a skin
condition so great I. Do.
Here we are you. Know what?
Just never mind. And I walked through the door.
I'm going to follow. You weren't invited.
You bounce off the door. It's a store, everybody's
invited. Oh my God.
Holy shit, you see the remains of the toy shop, broken work
benches and tables, tools thrown about and strewn about.
You see hammers like hammered into a wall and they've stayed
there for what appears to be years.
Just soot and dust everywhere. If you want to scout around,
please roll me ADR 12 presence. I'll give a look around.
Yeah, I pee on it. The last time I poked around in
a pet factory, I ended up in this body.
I am not going. So you are.
You are a liar. Liar just got the back of your
life. That's 18. 18 with that 18 you
hear something moving around under the floorboards.
Peed on it. Oh no.
Upon hearing the urine stream from Mixer mix, newts, and the
screwing underneath the floorboards, I'm going to put my
hand up to have everybody stop what they're doing and just
like, stand still. Underneath you, you hear the
sound of. What's this liquid?
I drop my stocking and say woof. Is that dog?
You hear footsteps going towards the back right corner of the
workshop and you see a trap door that's been disguised as the
flooring to this house. Open up and peek out and you see
a full grown man dressed as an elf looking at you all.
Not again. What's your name?
How do? You spell it back in his hide
and hold. No, no, no, no.
Hold on, hold on. Just a minute.
Don't. Don't just run off.
I mean, I I clearly asked you a question.
There's that. That's just rude.
And before this full grown man can close the door, he's like.
Oh, you're. Right.
And we will be rude. My name is Buddy, I'm an elf.
Buddy, what's your favorite color?
Green. Excellent.
Come up here, Come up here. Come talk to us.
Buddy sheepishly and hesitantly comes up from his hidey hole.
He's wearing a green jacket with wool trim.
He has curly blonde hair. He has a red pointy hat, also
wool lined. He is wearing green skin tight
stockings. Yes, there is some moose knuckle
happening around and he has. Depressive.
Hello curled shoes with little bells on the end of the girls.
I'm annoyed by your appearance already.
Well, people say that to me all the time.
Yes, I would try. And we say the same to him too.
What? Don't talk to mixed nuts like
that. Now I've.
Lost interest. I'm just shaking the stocking
and playing with it buddy. How long you been in here?
Well, I've been in here for 45 years.
That's quite a long time. You've been in this building
itself for 45 years. Yeah.
My goodness, that's a long time my friend.
Now, being as you've been in this area for quite a while,
what do you know about old Uncle Ricky?
I believe his name was it was that was.
Was that his name there? Fish.
Uncle Ricky. Uncle Ricky?
What you know about their Uncle Ricky?
I don't know anybody named Ricky.
I think he fucking means Krampus.
That's. He's been hit on the head by too
many watermelons. Yes.
He comically like a cartoon character.
As soon as you say the name Krampus, he starts biting his
fingernails in a very cartoonish and floppish fashion.
And he's like Krampus is big old meaning.
Oh, that's, that's what we've heard.
But we're also looking for for the soup that he's looking for
as well. What do you know about that?
His big wide blue eyes zoning on you and like, want soup?
Well, yeah, I mean, I believe we all do.
Everybody wants soup. Oh, I would like that soup, but
I'm too much of A coward to go get it myself.
Why don't you join in with us? Why don't you come with us?
Come on, Doctor creature. What do you think about bringing
this young man along with us? I come in the door.
Pulling my hands up. Sweating.
But isn't you Doctor creature this full grown ass man dressed
as a 12 year old elf? What is this and why haven't you
killed it? Well, this young man's got some
information for us. He wants to come with us, go
find some soup and possibly take out this Uncle Ricky issue.
Oh, cramp. I'm going to go ahead and try to
read his thoughts with the crowd.
Oh. Good, here we go.
OK, that. Is a 14 OH with a. 14 on the
dot. You hear him go.
These guys seem pretty weird. I like the guy I'm talking to,
like he like, he seems pretty nice, but maybe he'd like one of
my presents that I made. I look over at Harold.
This guy thinks he has a present for you.
Otherwise, he's worthless to us and we should just keep going.
But look at all the edge of sketches.
He made and. Then I just turn and start
walking. Who doesn't love an Edge of
sketch? They're very best, buddy.
You said you had a gift for me or?
Will, Terry said. Will you?
Well, you're nice to me, so I guess you're well and and nice
guys deserve a present. And he goes down back into his
little hidey hole and pulls out a big red velvet bag.
Please roll me AD. 12D12. You get to roll on 12 Days of
Christmas weapons table, buddy. Hell damn, that would be an 8I.
Regret nothing. Has anybody rolled an 8 yet?
No, no, no. Oh yes, OK with that eight.
He pulls out a bottle of milk. But.
The milk. But the milk vessel itself is
actually glorious. The even though the container is
made of glass, it's surrounded by a gold gilded metal encasing
with the Infinity symbol adorned on the front of it.
Well this is glorious, my friend.
What exactly is this that I'm looking at?
I could. Taste.
Test for you. I have a case.
It's come. Never mind, I no longer have a
guess. I mean, never mind.
Now this wouldn't be semen, would it?
He's been here, he's been here for 45 years.
Do you see anything he's been able to milk?
Look at all of the edges. Sketches.
It's an infinite bottle. I see what you are saying now.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, can we let the pole boy talk before we
assume that he's filling this with a baby battery?
Straight from the town. Well, it did take a while to
fill up by myself. Well, this is This is a lot of
hard work there my. Friend, I wouldn't assure you
only a little bit of it is me. Seasoned screaming, but.
But. Magical MILF inside.
Oh my God. Is it now?
Please please tell I. Have a feeling we knew that do
you want? The.
Buddy to tell you or do you want the DM to tell you?
Oh, I would love Buddy to tell me.
Well. Well, first of all, please roll
me AD 4. Oh, I can.
I can do that right now. My face hurts.
That is A1. All right, so this bottle has
enough to just have like. One drink of it.
And buddy goes on to say well this is a magic milk made from 8
maids a milk and it's supposedly gives you more health or it
takes stuff away it's. Got back it licks his lips.
More health or take stuff away? I'll give you 10 gold for that
Rod. Basically you can either raise
your HP by one or you instantly die.
Oh, have a one in eight chance. Spoiler cut that out.
No. All right, well I will take this
gold gilded bottle of milk and I will put it in my satchel that
will extend my hand out to thank Buddy.
And when I do, I will take my knife out and I'm going to stab
him in the chest because this boy is weak and he does not
deserve to live. Oh my.
God, why have you done this? I was going to feed on him.
After everybody left. No, stop.
Stop back. The boy ain't gonna die quickly.
I mean, he was home safe after everybody left this.
Oh, you've done the worst things.
This this is the I think, OK, I think actually, no, it is kind
of the sneak attack. So I don't think Buddy sees it
coming. So you hold out your hand of
friendship, Buddy. Truly excited that after so many
years fighting underground, possibly masturbating furiously.
It was an 8 maid's book and it was himself an 8 maid costume.
Yeah, there's a lot of like, really white.
Crustiness on that hand when he shakes it.
But by the way, you see on his hands, he only has eight
fingers. Oh my.
Gosh, milk in that prostate. If you really want to weigh out,
first you have to drink the milk.
Yeah, and your picnic goes will be.
He's like finally a friend after all these years.
I can. Oh.
The sweet release you stab him in right in the heart.
Everybody stiffens up, spins around and floppishly falls on
his back over dead and as his back hits the ground his legs
come up and his legs fall down and hit the ground and his
little bell slippers Jingle jangle as that is his last.
Time. Yeah.
I pee on him sorry guys the boy was sad I just had to I I
couldn't stand stare at him for. Much longer I'm going to walk
my. Way out of the room.
This is the first time I have felt secure in this group.
Bacula drops to his knees and cradles his balls.
No. Oh no.
No, we all know you're a vampire.
You're so voluptuous with so much energy taken.
Away. OK, fine, let's leave.
This fucker's dead. Hold on, hold on.
I want to see what's in this bag.
I'm already almost out the door. I want to dig in this bag quick.
Bring it with you face. You're digging the bag and there
is nothing else in it. Anything else?
Oh, see you, it's all your magic.
Man. Actually, no, you do find some
milk stains. That kind of.
You're. Not getting that out of velvet.
Nope. All right, well, with that you
make your way to the next stop. Somebody will me AD 20.
I think I've done enough. I'll do it.
All right, what's next for the Christmas mukaki?
18. 18. Oh yay, let me.
See. Here.
One second, the sweet release of death.
The sweet. Release.
Of death. Oh yeah, you died.
No, I'm kidding. Damn.
It OK please roll me AD 8. 6. As you continue to walk through
the forest, you see a person next to a tiny cauldron hanging
from this red metal harness. That person is dressed in a
black trench coat and a Black Hat obscuring their eyes.
Ringing. And that person is ringing a
gold bell. He is asking for donations.
I'm going to try and read his thoughts.
All right, DR14 presents. Take away his gift.
That's a 70 everybody hears. I wonder if he wants a free dog
and looks down at Mr. Snoot's. No, he's a good boy.
Hey now, he's my pissing partner.
The only thing I've seen you do is piss, but you're always
trying to shit. What's up with that?
I'm sorry my penis isn't constipated.
I don't know what the fuck you're trying to ask me, friend.
I don't know, it seems like you have something up your butt.
Yes, I thought I made that clear like a day ago.
I wasn't paying attention. I was preoccupied with my own
thoughts. What's up with the?
Will you blink? I.
Yes. Oh, OK.
While they're bickering, I'm going to put a couple gold
pieces in this. For safe passage.
Cool, please roll me DR12 presents.
Good Lord, there's a lot of roles lately.
I'm good. I'm.
A I'm nice. Embrace the chaos, man.
Tan. With the TN the beggar without
looking. At you.
He goes. Thank you for your contribution.
And keeps ringing his bow. Oh, you're welcome.
Is that it? Yes.
I'm going to walk by and do the same.
I'm going to drop 2 silver in there.
OK please roll me DR12 presence. OK.
Oh, that's natural. 20 + 3, so that's 23.
I think I rolled. The wrong bass.
Oh. Yay.
Roll me. D4 please.
AD 4, that's a four. It's a four roll.
Me AD 10. Oh my gosh, so many rolls.
It's A7. A7 OK.
With that, the old man stops ringing his bell and his head
turns to you. He lifts his hat up, uncovering
his face, and it's an undead Empress manipulated by the silk
theme to be allowed to carve and cut the unsavory and distill for
decoctions. Fuck, did you just say?
Right. Flip a coin.
Or throw me AD 2 even his heads on his tails.
Even his heads. All right, she gives you this
vial of putrid smelling pus, raising a chosen ability to +7
for D 6 + 20 minutes. Wow.
What? 37 I think this guy has some
sort of like fetish for just carrying liquids.
Yeah, a lot of weird, mysterious.
D 6 * 20. Minutes.
Viscous liquids. And you can raise the chosen
ability to +7 for that amount of time.
That's insane. Well.
My Lord, I will tip my hat to her and I'll I will continue to
walk off. Thank you man.
I appreciate you. I think I'm trying too hard
honestly. Sorry, sometimes I'm just lucky
my friends look. I do not have much off of her,
but I do have the strange pine cone I was gifted earlier and
I'm going to take it out but you can't keep the pin and I take
the pin out and then I drop it into the the donation box and
then I walk off. You wait, wait, You really do.
I really do. Happy holidays everybody.
Did I fuck it up? I can't tell if that's
disappointment on your face. Or, well, it's bewilderment.
Are. All of.
You. Close to the cauldron, I mean.
I absolutely was not. I think we all.
Were just walked off from it after.
That's very true. OK, I will say that nobody is
near it. So when you do that, you pull
the pin, you put it in the pot at the bell ringer without
hesitating to stop. The bell looks down into it and
sees what you put in it and looks in and looks in and then a
massive fucking explosion where he stands and when the smoke
clears there is only a crater and a bell.
The bell falls from the sky with a bud in the snow.
I believe that's your bell. Okay, and I'll slide down and
pick up the bell. And that was just in your
pocket, just loose. You've been, you've been just
walking around with it. I did, I did not know what he
was going to just explode. Bigger question is why was it
gifted to me? That.
Is the question of the year. Yeah, actually a valid question.
Yeah, actually, yes. But now I've got 2 gifts, this
bell and this pinhole thing. I'm going to reach down and give
Mr. Mix News some scratches because this is traumatizing for
myself. I can only imagine what the dog
is going through. Good point.
Yeah, big same. Big same I.
Walk. I walk over to the crater and I
put by this torn up slobbery stocking in it as my donation.
Then I pee on it and walk away, you know?
What you gave something? Oh.
Actually, no, it's not gold, so it doesn't work.
All right, you hear a faint thank.
You on the whip, woof. Please don't mess in the pot.
Oh shit, I'd sit my pants up. Come one, come all, join us as
we dive into the dying world of Mork Board and the Board
universe. Whispers of the Dying Lands is a
podcast with one mission to spread the word of Mecker Bell
as third party content creators share the prophecies of Verhu.
Hi, your host Alaska's teams up with everyone's favorite scum,
Iron Tusk, Tevin. From Flail to the Face, we sit
down with content creators to help promote and try to give
maximum exposure and efforts to support their crowdfunding
campaigns. And with that, you all keep
walking. I'm.
I let me. See who wants to roll the last
D20? OK.
I guess I'll do this thing. OK.
Yeah, you would do a non. Destructive thing you did A5
you. Did A5.
All right, you did that part already, Jake, Roll it again,
please. OK, I'm gonna say 2112. 12.
You come to a section of forest, it's an open field and all of a
sudden you hear the crack of a whip and through the woods you
hear a snarling voice bark at you and say you think you can
get the soup, you little chucklefucks.
Well, you got another thing coming.
You lads get them. Oh shit.
Oh no. I think that was Uncle.
Ricky. I believe you're correct.
So I'm going to pull up my spine sword and get ready for whatever
the fuck just hollered at me, I suppose.
All right, Jake, roll me AD shit.
Roll it after a day. It's a leopard, Cole.
That's. True, it's AD 2.
AD deuce, if you will. Roll me AD. 20. 2.
All right, Ferris, roll me AD 20. 4. 4.
Mr. Mcsnoots, roll me AD 20. 10. Harold, please roll me AD 20.
Absolutely. That's number four.
OK fiasc, please roll me AD 20. What's the one give me?
You'll see. Oh God.
And finally, Doctor creature, please roll me AD. 20 Lebanon.
Lebanon. All.
Right, and with that you see 5 gnomish people appear from the
woods. The first figure comes out and
he goes, yeah, I'm she Claude, and you're fucked sheep coat.
Claude is a stubby little guy and he is armed with a flail.
The second creature is a kind of gaunt, kind of a thin guy still
like all of these gentlemen are like waist height.
The second guy comes out and he goes this and get my name's
Gooey Gok and I'm going to fucking drive my fucking knife
in your. Fucking.
Spleen. That guy's very high.
Yeah. You see the the third combatant
comes out and he's wielding a giant spoon.
You've heard of this guy? He's known as spoon liquor.
Old spoon liquor. Famous old the family spoon.
He's a Spooner liquor. The last two are kind of weird
looking, you see a dude with big old eyes.
And. For lack of a better term,
creepy as fuck. He looks at all of you and goes
the name's window. Peeper.
Grin. And the last one is just a guy
with a big nose and he goes beware.
I'm. Doorway.
Sniffer. I I want to look at Fisk, I
think. I think this might be your
family. Yeah, this makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, I can see the relation. It does seem to track.
Those are my nephews and nieces. Well, go talk to them.
Let's let's sound weird. They're weird.
They look at me through the window and then sniff my
doorway. That's some sort of euphemism
for something. No, that's what they do.
You all you guys know right away, these guys don't want to
talk. They want to fight.
More accurately, they want to beat the shit out of all of you.
Oh. Well, that's just not very kind
of them at all. Please.
Roll. Initiative.
Somebody roll it. I'll do it.
This is your family. It's us.
I want to shoot the window sniffer in the head with the
window. Sniffer.
All right, window sniffer or no doorway sniffer.
No, the window sniffer. The window peeper the.
Window. Peeper, Yeah.
All right, please roll DR12. Agility.
That is a 21 you. Feel Max damage.
Let me roll it first. I'm feeling you.
Feeling lucky? Hot to try CX CX eh all.
Right, well that's six. You take aim at window peeper,
you got him dead in your sights. You launch a bolt right into one
of these fuckers gigantic eye and he immediately falls over
dead. You holy shit about this guy?
That's what you get. Stay away from my windows you
freaks. You just fucking killed your
nephew. I never liked him.
I never liked. Him anyway, that's your.
Kid's children. What the hell are you doing,
uncle? Ricky.
Why'd you do it, Uncle Chis? Squire.
You're. Nicks.
Who's next? End of like your weird brother.
Man Scott Bakula is going to use one of his powers to call upon
Barbara. Yes.
Barbara. Nobody knows this, but I made
this class up on my own skis and one of my powers is, his name is
Barbara. You have a servant who can
attempt most tasks at DR13. What he's disfigured with six
HP. So it's kind of like the birds
and stuff like that. But from under my Cape, I fill
out this like weird little whistle and I put it, I put it
to my lips and I blow on it real hard.
And then this weird disfigured gremlin like man comes trotting
out of the wood line. What is that thing?
Oh, sweet lady. Jesus.
Why? Yes, Master.
Oh. You have arrived, Barbara.
Look. Yes, we have to kill a family, a
whole lineage. This says so.
So here, take my spine sword and go do my bidding.
I will be in the background watching.
Barbara takes up his spine sword and I believe he's going to try
to go for sheep coat claws. He.
Tell me, how much does your sword do?
D4D4 and no other abilities to that.
No. It's just a spine sword that I
ripped out of someone's back. Sweet.
All right, Please roll me a Somebody roll agility for sheep,
Coach Claw. I will, since I'm you got a
Herald. I got it.
I rolled the two. OK.
Oh yeah, no, he completely fails.
Agility is not as strong so he has a -. 2 to agility.
All right, please roll AD 4 for damage 2 for that 2.
Barbara goes throwing my Nestor and he lays sheep coat clawed
with his with your bone sword. Wait, is Barbara he or she?
That's whatever. OK, it's hard to tell.
To. Be honest to damage to sheep,
Coach clawed. All right, who wants to go next?
Was sheep sheep Co clawed the the main the big one?
Yeah, he was the biggest one. Perfect.
Well what I would like to do was I would like to pull this random
scroll out of my satchel, which is telekinesis.
So I would like to take this this fine fellow, and I would
like to lift him to the top of the treetops and rest him on top
of a tree so he's out of the way for at least a round.
All right. Is there a role that has to be
done for? That yeah, I think it's, well,
it's a scroll, so I think it's Dr. 14 presents.
Oh, a scroll? I thought you said a squirrel.
Yeah. Squirrel.
Squirrel, squirrel, squirrel.
So. So I have this scroll that is
attached to a squirrel that was in my satchel.
Yeah, no, it's a scroll. What is it?
DR12 presents. Yes.
That is a 5, so I'm going to burn an omen.
OK, how? Many of those things you.
Got I have six of them. What are?
You my my character's an omen thief, so.
Yeah, yeah, maybe, maybe now that we're in it.
I'm playing the detested luck Leech.
So your omens are now my omens as well.
So it's it's a group thing. We're you know, we're we're all
friends. I'm going to so I'm going to re
roll. That's a 10.
Wait a minute. Oh, just.
Wait a minute, I think that. That is, a is.
An arcane catastrophe? Yes, it is.
It is. Arcane Catastrophe.
All. Right.
What did you? Roll this story.
I rolled in 11. What?
Does OK. Within D4 days, a bottle cocoon
heaves from the ground, soon bursting and spawning your
exact. Clone.
It is unemployed and begins to spread mischief and suffering.
This happens every couple of days until the ground is
cleansed with holy water or fire.
So please roll me AD 4. That's a three.
All right, so every three days your brother comes up and is
being a little brat. But.
This. Cell fizzles out and sheep goat
clawed goes. What the fuck you trying to do?
Leave David Blaine? Well, I can explain that.
Was something completely different supposed to happen
with that? All righty, who wants to tussle
with the Yule Lads? Next.
Theras will go and try to hit one in the face with this claw
hammer and. Cool, Which?
Which? Which guy are you going for?
There's sheep clawed. There's bully gawk, there's a
spoon liquor, and then there's doorway sniffer.
Let's do spoon liquor. All right.
That is a 15. All right, what are you
attacking? With one of my hands is a claw
hammer. Cool, and how many I'm?
Gonna I'm gonna go ahead and omen that for Max damage for so
6. Oh. 6IN you're going with spoon
liquor? Actually tell me how you fucking
kill him. Yeah, yeah, I come up there and
it's just like the worrying and clicking of the clockwork
mechanical body going and I just like ratchet back with my arm.
And then it's just like a repeated hammering blow into the
face and it just slowly like caves it back in and then he
just drops down. All right, who's next?
We got? Yeah, we got Snoots and then we
got Doctor Creature, I think. Yeah.
Nate, you can go first if you want.
Do I think? You can.
You can do something if you want.
Why would I do that? I.
Probably just. I don't know.
I could what? You could just come on things.
Hey, man, don't, don't get ahead of me now.
No, I'm going to pull Spider Man.
God damn it, I'm going to pull out my crowbar and I'm going to
try to attack fucking. There is gully gawk and doorway
sniffer. I hate both of those names.
I think. Gully gawk, I think.
All right. 2nd omen to succeed that.
You succeed. And how much damage does your
crowbar do? D4 which means one.
So you like you're just looking at gully gawk with hatred in
your eyes like this motherfucker.
I don't know what about. Him.
And you run up to him, but like you kind of slip on some snow
and you managed to let a glancing blow, dealing one
damage to gully gawk. And he goes.
You can't. Pay for that, you fucking creep.
Oh shit, here we go. I told you you're supposed to
just kill them. They're weird.
No, you're right. I'll Next time I'll not.
I'll definitely kill him. All right.
But Walt. You're AI would like to use my
howl ability. What is that?
So once per combat I can make a presence DR12 test and if I
succeed I force a morale check from the enemies all.
Right. Please roll.
That's wow. 19. OK Oh wow, I did.
I did not give them. Morale all.
Right, so. Holy shit please run me two D6.
Three and five S total of 8. All right, 8.
These. Two miscreants, these weird
humanoids look at their brethren.
They look back at each other. Doorway sniffer looks at sheep
Coke Claude and goes, fuck this thumb out and he just runs away
into the woods. Meanwhile, sheep coke Claude
firmly stands his ground. He's kind of shaking a little
bit and like, he sort of like whips himself up into a frenzy.
There he goes. I got it free to you and I think
he's going to try to attack you and make snoots.
Howl. Howl again?
No, no. He's just howl.
That was just my howl. All right?
So you wanted a defense for me? Yeah, Defense.
Yes. Oh.
That's a nine I'm going to omen to reduce.
All right, he takes his Mace that he calls the bleeding heart
and he tries to double hand overhead smash you, but he
swings too wide and misses and sort of just like slams it into
the ground and that is. His.
Turn. Let's see now who's who's turn
to attack is it now? I think after listening to the
howl of this human faced dog and Mr. Creature looking ahead him
with hatred in his eyes with that eight of the first morale
check, I'm going to say Gully Gok is freaked out and fucking
bolts it like doorway sniffer and she goes.
You. Coward.
All right. Whose initiative?
Five. That's us.
I would like to use one more power before we murder this man.
It's my last time that I can use it.
What beautiful skin. Persuading people is easier for
the sexy dead. Too bad you look nowhere near
your cousin. So I get like, an advantage on
persuasion. I'm going to like, move like
vampires. Wait, I'm not a vampire?
You guys talking? About that I'm going.
To move up to him real quick with my Cape over my mouth and
then pull it back as if you could fend me off, as if you
could outrun me. And I RIP my shirt off and I'm
just sparkling like crazy. Leave now or become mine
forever. You just watched Twilight?
Or something. On my mind.
Is that ADR? Is that DRL?
Is that presence? For perception I guess.
Do we have to do this now? I feel like we.
I'm not shining my breasts at you.
I don't know man. Wait, you have breasts?
Full on breasts. He's very books.
Yeah. Everyone's got breasts.
I'm trying to persuade this man to leave.
Though that does not sound like leaving.
What do I have to roll? If it's a power, it's presence
of presence. Dr. 12 Presence.
Okay. I did.
I got 15. I think with that it kind of
worked too well. You're glittering naked, torso
glistening and shining, not burning as real vampires would
happen, but. It's the ones from the real
world. Jake, instead of being feared
away like you anticipated he would do, he looks at you up and
down with lust in his eyes and goes.
He's warning. I'll do whatever you say.
My love. And he around and walks away
into the forest and you guys have won that fight.
I would have assumed that would have come from the one with the
name Gok, but OK. Oh.
Like Gok Gok 3000. Yes.
Right. I've heard that joke before.
Yeah. Well, now that you've made that
sufficiently awkward, let's continue.
Hey, Scott Bakula only uses what's at his fingertips.
Complete awkwardness because it worked.
Go wash your hands indeed. Don't want to?
The cream will come off. And.
Walking. Where did where did your Uncle
Ricky go? Where did he go?
It's funny that you say Uncle Ricky.
You keep walking in the forest and all of a sudden a wonderful
smell hits your nose. A hearty, hearty smell of meat
and chopped vegetables. You have found the layer of the
soup. The.
Woof. I could not agree more there,
Mr. Mcsnoots before you. Massive Colosseum.
Think of the Colosseum in Rome, adorned on the outside with
beautiful columns made of marble stone.
In the columns are etchings of depictions of warriors, and at
the top of the pillars stands a statue of Saint Nicholas
himself, The Bloody Claws. His statues all have red robes
wrapped around them. You make your way into the
Colosseum and you see the statues of every single
combatant that had ended here. There's over 100 statues of
these mighty warriors, some weird looking, some are just
normal men with big buck off weapons.
I was going to allow you guys at this point to make up some
warriors as you look by and describe them.
There's a very small creature holding a sword staff.
Yeah, a broom sword. Yeah, I figured that might be
the case. Skeleton flipping someone off.
Yeah. There seems to be a gentleman
with his hands that look like they're on fire.
There's an edge alert kid with a Cortana.
There's a, there's a dude that's just like mostly a monkey, I
think, but he's definitely not just a monkey.
Park camp alert counts. Also another automaton that
looks like it has a lot of penises on its.
Back. No, no, not to do that one.
You also see a statue of a giant muscular man.
The name on the plaque says Pellgrain, and underneath it,
written in blood, says I live. Up there, fucker.
Oh, there's Deuce Piggly too. Fucking name.
And as you enter the entrance to the Colosseum, well, the
entrance to the actual arena, the.
Pit. You see Uncle Ricky right in the
middle and he turns around and he looks at the slip of you and
he goes. Well, well, well.
What bad little children have entered by Coliseum.
You know you're not allowed to talk to me that way.
He. Points weapon at you and those.
I can talk to you however I want, you boy.
You're not allowed to, Mom said. You can't.
Oh, I remember what your Mama said last night.
That's your sister, you weirdo. You have a very strange.
Family. Do I have banjo music in the
background? What the hell is going on here?
We're related. That's my mom, your sister,
Uncle Ricky. Not they don't.
You judge me. I'm gonna look over at Scott
Back. You'll be like this is one
complex back story if I ever heard.
You are so right. I'm not, I'm sorry, I'm.
I'm not that kind of doctor. You guys got to figure this shit
out yourself. He needs to dive.
He's talk about sleeping with my mommy sister, that weirdo.
Fucking wipe your tears. Let's.
Fucking. Sort this out then.
Wet them crocodile tears off your face.
Krampus cracks his whip, and he goes.
More importantly, none of you were getting the Super Saint
Nicholas. I'm definitely getting that soup
after I drink your fucking blood.
Oh. Shit, I think I could have swore
that. Scott Beckley was the vampire.
That's not. Blood.
I'm a cannibal cook, OK? Never mind that.
When I think with that, Saint Nicholas blows a horn and three
more Yule lads come to his aid. And I blow my whistle again and
Barbara fucking blimps up. What ain't it called bitch?
So the three 3 remaining Yule Lads are sausage swiper.
Do a girl like that in high school?
Yeah. No.
There's. Door slammer.
OK, it's just fucking rude. And finally Stubby, that is his
name in mythology. Stubby.
OK. All right.
All righty because of. The shape of his.
Penis. Goddamn.
The. Whole initiative.
Oh my God. Somebody else?
I got 6. All right.
Uncle Ricky with my crossbow. All right, you do it, boy. 15.
All right, and that that fucking hits, so please roll me damage
with your crossbow bolt. 6. All right, what's good?
Max damage, right? So OK, you take game, shoot a
mighty bolt, smack dab at center mass at Uncle Ricky, and you
deal with popping 6 damage to him.
And he is my mother. You.
Take the fucking love to pull up your ass for Christmas.
Wait, what? No, you already gave him that
damn all. Right.
Who's next? I'm going.
To hell again. Damn you.
Maybe. You can go first if you want.
I was just trying to get rid of the Yule Lads.
I was actually just going to give Fisk Baskins one of my
tinctures. Is this that weird?
Forever milk. Not the one.
Not the one that he got. OK.
Just plug your nose and drink this.
Oh no, bottoms up, is what I always say.
Roller D6. Actually it's toes up, but who's
who's 4? EFD 2 armor for four rounds.
Oh nice. Who is next?
I was going to howl unless anyone especially wants to
attack the you lads go for it, do it presents.
Oh damn it, that's a nine. I'm going to burn my last omen
to reduce. OK.
Otherwise, Kevin is just going to steal it.
Yeah, please roll. Around.
What's a? Four and a 59.
With that 9. How?
You how you snarl. You're human slash dog like
teeth. You're human slash dog like face
curls and distorts into an ungodly image.
Ungodly enough to scare the fuck out of sausage swiper, door
slammer and stubby and. They.
Run the fuck away. Actually.
Scott Bakula From the bleachers you hear sheep coat clawed go
go, my love. You can't do it.
I'm. Going to turn around and look at
him yes I know no please, please don't let everyone know what's
going on here. Just.
You're so. Hot I need to be quiet so that
Daddy can focus on the mission and.
Sheep called Claude sits back down and bites his lower lip.
All. Right.
Who's next? For the record, the ability I
used is called Ounce of Prevention.
It's from a character like Kevin's that I wrote.
It's the plague Pit practitioner.
Nice. Very cute.
Very cute indeed. Who's next?
I. Will run up and try to skewer
Uncle Ricky with my blade hand. All right.
That is going to miss. So as I like go to like wind up
the swing down, he just kind of knocks my arm aside.
Oh, he's not going to make it, is he?
Nice try you fucking tin can. Damn that's racist as hell.
Fucking read my mind. Did everybody have a go?
No, not being very skilled with the melee weapons, Old Herald is
going to pull out a sword and make a feeble attempt to try to
swipe at old Uncle Ricky. Swap at Ricky.
Swapping at Ricky. I have a feeling that Uncle
Ricky is not really your uncle. He might be your dad.
That is a nine. With a nine, that does not cut
it. No.
So does Barbara count as my move if I use him or?
Well, he's a power, so technically.
Or can I only use him once? He's just here to watch the show
then. I thought you used your last
power last time with the glitter sparkle.
So now Barbara's just here to watch.
Well, I I don't have my spine sword because Barbara has it.
So Scott Bakula is going to run and jump with his unnatural not
a vampire strength and try to bite Uncle Ricky on the neck.
Quantum leap right there. So good, never even seen the
show. Contact boost.
Damn. It Oh dear, I think.
I think Scott Bakula's going to use his omen to re quantum leap
that. Fuck.
What's your role? And eight.
All right, with that you do a leap straight into Uncle Ricky,
but Uncle Ricky sees you coming and he's sort of like Juno,
moves you and flips you 5 feet away and you land right on your
ass. He's no Dracula.
Oh. Fuck.
I believe Ferris, you're the closest, right?
Sounds like all three of those guys.
Yeah, I mean, I went to swing at him, so I'm.
Fairly close too. All right, Krampus, AKA Uncle
Ricky is going to take his short swords, which oddly enough is
like black and gnarled steel, and he's going to try to lay in
the youth. Please roll defense.
It is going to be a defense roll because I have medium armor.
I need a 14 and I got a 12. All right, and he lays in you
with a short sword. Somebody roll AD 6.
I'll do it. You're welcome, Thomas, to one.
Oh. Well then yeah, my armor
deflects it. Yes.
Hell with Uncle Ricky. Krampus swipes his sword at you,
sees that his sword did nothing to you except maybe 'cause some
sparks, and he just snarls angrily at you.
OK, new round of combat. With Uncle Ricky, Kevin.
It is. Fuck, I fucking knew it.
Felt it in my soul. Felt it in my pants.
So did Uncle Ricky. Not to be undeterred, Krampus
follows up his first attack with one of his abilities he's going
to use. You're on the list.
Krampus locks eyes with you and shouts your name.
All of your checks now have to be 14.
Succeed for D4 rounds of combat. You know he's going to target.
Fisk that fucking spitting absolutely makes sense.
Roll since his ability DR14. Let me try to resist 2.
Yeah, no, Krampus looks at you and goes.
So now all of your roles have to pass 14.
All right, who wants to start up the next round to come back?
I'll try. Again.
Get in there, Pisky. It's a little harder for me now
that you're staring right into my eyes.
Don't look at me during. Don't look at me during.
That's an 18. What?
You getting them with. My crossbow.
Oh shit boy, won't go shoot that guy.
I'm an omen for Max damage. Oh hell.
That's ocho damage. Ocho Damage.
Oh man. Oh, that that hit fucking laid
into him. Uncle Ricky's fucking hurt.
Yeah, you are not. Like.
That at all? Good.
Don't talk down to me. Still your sister?
Still highly inappropriate my friend.
Who's next? I'm going to get off my butt and
chomp on one of his ankees. Ankees get get him into Ankees.
14. All right, and you're biting
them. How much do you bite do?
Well, because I'm not a vampire, I thought that might be AD 4
again, so I did one. Cool.
At this point you get up after being unceremoniously thrown
like a toy by a Krampus and you'd whip around and you'd get
them right in the left. Anke and parents are like
getting hit with a crossbow bolt for Max damage.
This little ankle bite is slightly annoying to him and he
goes. What the fuck?
That's right. Take it again bitch, You fucking
angry? No, never mind.
Who's the back teen on that? Man.
All right, who's next? While he's distracted, I'm going
to try to hit him with my claw hammer and.
All right. And I won't.
Oh, no. Yeah, I rolled A10.
All right, with that, you swing wide and Krampus dodges Hooby
next. Makes no, it's piss on them.
Get him. I hit him with the dog
artillery. What?
The fuck? That would be a that's ADR 14
presence to hit the target. All righty, 14 on the nose.
Yeah. He's only AD 4 to determine the
effect. 2. For the two, it's a fire dart
exploding on impact and deals 1D6 damage.
Oh. Shit.
Bam. 2 Max damage. I omen it Max damage.
Woo, OK. This this.
Beautiful dog is good boy targets points like like the
classical does like a good like dog pointer pose and like with
that like his four paw guiding the arrow it launches bursting
into a flame like a comet knocking Krampus straight in
like the left deltoid and it explodes and it bursts of flame
and fire huge just smell burning fur and a wailing Krampus hits
the ground and he is on his last legs.
He's not looking too great right now.
All right, so Harold is going to walk by Fisk and put a hand on
his shoulder and be like, I got this.
And as he does this, he's actually going to use the power
of mine now and try to steal one of his omens.
I have none. You have none.
I'm out. Well, I didn't know that until
just now. I only have two.
You steal -1 omen. You lose an omen.
Well. I'm sure whatever you did would
have been helpful. It's called self preservation my
friend. And that's all I can I'm
thinking about. Well, feeling that there was
something off about him, he's just going to like push off and
then go to stab at the decrepit Krampus then.
Go get that mother lover. Isn't that go mother I?
I don't understand. Well, that's.
Probably his next family reunion is going to be so awkward.
I'm going. To the family's gone.
Going to burn an omen to lower that to a success and that's
three points of damage. All right, Well, that three
points of damage, Yeah. How do you kill Krampus?
Fuck yeah. So as I I take my hand off of
Fisk, knowing that he's he's got nothing for me, I'm just going
to take the sword, which is a lot heavier than because I'm not
a man for fisticuffs or melee. I'm more of a fusing my
persuasion and my my charisma for it.
But he's going to take it and he's going to hold it up and
then he's in it, going to end up like tripping over his foot and
then just like falling onto Krampus itself and stabbing him
right into the chest. All right, this sword penetrates
deep into the chest, goes in and out, and Krampus, you hear him
spit up blood and gargle a little bit of blood, and he
looks at you and goes. Almost.
And falls over dead. IP on Krampus today.
It was not his lucky day, I suppose.
Ah, see. What you did there?
Doctor creature, please roll me presents.
That is 8. With that eight, you notice
nothing. That does check.
Out. The Krampus is defeated.
You guys can now make your way to the soup chamber.
You see that? The door to it is open ajar.
It's a little weird. Why would something supposed to
be heavily protected have an open door?
Do you have any other weird family members that are into
your mom or whatever is going on here that we need to worry about
being in here? Are there any bone men with the
same name as this fucking thing in here waiting for this?
This man here is asking the important questions.
I figured I was doing that the whole time.
I don't know why I was slightly distracted with him saying he
fucked his sister. That part I don't, I think.
This might be the weirdest thing today.
True. Also, this might be one of those
scenarios where a guy says that he's your uncle but he's
actually like your dad's friend or something.
Who's your dad? Peter Peter Baskins.
Maybe who's your mother? I never met him, Carol.
He left when I was a kid. I don't remember.
It I don't actually care about this as much.
I thought that this was going to go somewhere, but it didn't.
Scott Bakula You see V Gore and Sheep Coke Claude still in the
stands, but now they have their shirts off V Gore has S written
on his chest and Sheep coke Claude has B written on his
chest. This is great, but I don't know
who the fuck V Gore is. You're awesome.
Barbara. Barbara, right.
Sorry Barbara, I wrote the Igor on there.
Fanboys great. Oh no.
I'm going to blow them a kiss. They.
Love it. They are wet.
They have anticipation. They are.
Moist. All right, I say that we maybe
go and chow down on this legendary.
Soup. Yeah, let's get that chowder.
You make your way. You make your way down to the
soup chamber. It's like a long spiral
staircase that you make way to the base of this giant black
pot. And when I say giant, I mean
fuck off. Giant, almost as big as a house.
And there are several nozzles and little spigots on the base
of it that empty out the soup. And at one of them is your boy
Viegelstaff. Oh.
That's fucking funny, bastard. Yeah, yeah.
I thought you didn't know what this was.
Your salutations, boys, and. We made it.
We found it. Yeah.
You mean? I.
Found it, thanks for clearing the way for me.
Fuck goes. This guy sounds way more like
your dad. We found it, Peter.
The name's not Peter, my real name is Bell Snickel, and I'm
going to be the new Saint Nick. And shoot him with a cross.
As he reaches for a spigot to try to get a heaping mouthful of
soup. Please roll me ATR. 14.
Because technically you still are under the effects of your on
the. List only four rounds.
OK, OK, OK. Man.
What do you roll? OK, if I spend my last omen, you
fucking you make it. Oh good.
Cool. I want this to get pinned to the
fucking culprit. Five damn old.
You fire this crossbow bolt, it gets bellsnickel right in the
right shoulder blade and you said it deals 5 damage.
Yeah, cool. He is looking hurt, like really
fucking hurt on that. But he is still up and like he's
struggling to get up. He's like, no, that soup is
gonna be mine. I throw the dog.
Well. Mixed newts.
Yeah. All right.
Please roll Dr. 14 to successfully.
Attack the projectile that is a dog.
Absolutely not. I didn't expect that to work,
but. I will use an omen to make it
succeed. You throw mixed newts perfectly
like a football spiral. Just spiraling in the air and.
It's just a spiral of teeth and piss.
Early. For Bills.
Mr. Mcsnoots, you hit Bellsnickel, then what do you do
to him? I bite him for D6 damage.
Please roll DR12 to try. 17 yes, 4 damage.
Bellsnickel tries to get up to his feet to try to get to that
spigot, try to get one last like drip of soup, and he just.
Grabbed. The handle, only to turn around
to have his neck fucking mauled by Mr. And like that, in an
instant, Belsnickel, who tried as all of this might to be the
new bloody Saint Nicholas, slumps to the floor, dead.
I pee on him. And then the change rolls out.
Yeah. 20 silver coins fall out of his ass, that's what.
That, well, they're more. Bronze now.
But here's the question now. Is this like a A1 man deal?
But if we all just get a ladle full and we all drink it at the
same. Time.
I don't, I don't know. To only have a digestive system.
We we can bathe you in it. I think you'll be fine.
I would like to submit myself to the first testing.
Well, I was thinking, I was thinking that if it was a one
man deal, it only makes sense that it would be Fisk Baskins.
It would only make sense that it would be Fisk Baskins.
That's all I'm saying. Why?
Because his uncle fucked his mother.
Don't bring that up. I'm scarred.
Today. Allegedly.
While this whole conversation's going on, I'm going to pull one
of the files out of my pouch because I'm going to take some
of this Stew and put it in there.
I don't know which one it is, so it could either be the one that
gives me more health or the one that gives me the higher
ability. So I figured I would just roll
odds or evens. OK, if that's OK, well, that's
odd. So that's the one that gives me
more health. So I'm going to pop the cork on
that one. That's the either.
All of the 8. That's the one.
Jump out the man chowder and fill it with some more man
chowder. I'm going to drink.
It because I'm down health on second thought.
No, Tell me, tell me, tell. Me, I'm trying to trying to be
as slick as I possibly can while these guys are having their
conversation. I'm going to pull the the the
gold gilded bottle out. I'm going to pop it top off, I'm
going to drink it and I Polish it off super quick.
And as I'm reaching into whatever basin this Stew is in I
feel my stomach just starts fucking like gurgling over and
everything just lets loose out of both ends and I drop to the
ground and a pile of vomit and shit.
Piano, what did you? Roll.
A1I rolled A1A. One on A1.
Well, it says one out of eight chances of dying.
Yeah, for the 8 maids of Milky, but you rolled A1 on it.
Yeah, okay. That does not happen when you
roll A. When you roll A1, you
permanently raise your HP by 1. Oh.
So it's seven, it's 2 through 8 that kill you.
Well, technically it's 50. 50. Oh, I thought it was one out of
eight, so OK. Oh.
OK, for full transparency, A1 raises your HP by one.
A2 decreases your HP by one. A3 you gain 1 Omen.
A4 you lose an Omen. A5 You gain a + 1 stat A6 you
instantly lose 1 stat 7 you heal all HP.
And eight you. All your HP and are broken.
Oh my God man you threw up in shit for no reason.
That's can. And you got pissed on.
It feels. Better so I still vomit and shit
myself. As I'm still.
Filling this and then he gains. And.
As I'm filling this, I'm like, well I should.
I misunderstood what the hell is going on?
I'm going to fill that little gilded gold bottle up with with
this suit. Does he spill any of it?
You know what? Please roll me Dr. It's hot
suit. So I would say so maybe like
toughness. Okay, that is a 19.
All right, you open a spigot. You see this thick Stew, loose
chunks of meat, maybe some bits of bones and teeth.
Just this junk that smells delicious, by the way, fills the
gilded bottle up about halfway, and from what you can tell of
the soup, that was all that was left.
I will tuck that into my satchel and I will go back to the.
I would like to do a presence check to see if I notice this.
I look up at Herald and say woof, give him scratches.
I would like to see if I seen that.
I think this Baskin should probably drink, eat drink
whatever this soup is. Well, first, maybe here gear me
out. What if we shared?
What if we all check, see how much soup is in there and we
just share? I don't want to take any chances
with shit like this. I haven't done fuck all for
that. And guess what?
I'm a perfectly healthy Oh Jesus, I think I might actually
shit a diamond. I'll be back.
We'll be here. Come on off.
Nate roll me DR12 toughness please.
Yeah, follow him. That's a 14 all right.
About 14. You feel it coming.
All this bad boys are coming. The day you've long-awaited is
finally here. I'm just standing there staring
at him. Don't look at me, Don't look at
me, Mr. Smoothie. I do you force it out with all
your might and you. Shit.
Out a piece of gold bigger than your fucking fist.
Damn. Woof and I lift up a paw for
daps. Well, that's happening.
I want to try to get some soup. All right, you go over to one of
the spigots and you twist it. Actually, how are you catching
it in? My mouth.
Cool. That does sound right.
You see several drips come out of the spigot and you get 3 to 5
drops worth of soup. Well, this is bullshit.
It's empty. Are you telling me to watch?
That for nothing. Oh, I guess so.
I walk back with blood coming down the back of my pants.
Well, I have my Christmas miracle.
I can. Smell it.
Yuck. I go back to Harold and look up
and say, Wolf, they're a good boy, Mr. Well, boys, I believe
our business here is done and I'm just going to walk off.
Presence to detect something. Yes, I do.
All right, you know I'm going for it.
Who that is a dirty trucks off 20.
OK, with that, you see, Like you notice Harold's trying to get
away too fucking quickly. You don't fucking like it.
Hey, what's your deal bud? Where are.
You going There's there's nothing here to be seen.
I mean, obviously that soup is gone, so what's the point of
hanging out? I mean, thanks for why is.
Everything in your hand suspiciously.
Well, I, I, I was, I was feeling a little sick to myself.
I mean, you saw me shit and vomit over there just a minute
ago. I was going to, I was going to
get kind of get a pull off this, this mythical Pepto Bismol.
Can I see? No, no, no.
I don't think your constitution will be able to handle this.
Let me see it now. I don't think that's going to
happen. I will.
I will not let that happen. I'm right there with them.
I'm. Going to look over at theres.
Are these two about to fuck? He's about to get something.
There isn't going to fight or fuck, but either way I don't
want to stick around for this and I start.
Walking out, I'm already I already have God-given powers
and all that. So you all fight it out.
I'm I'm going to go home. It's been, it's been real, yes.
It's yeah, it's been. Something.
It has been something, hasn't it?
It. Has.
Been something I'm going to try to walk my way around like
following both Scott Bakula and there Sir I'm.
Going to try to snatch it out of his hand.
I think that would be like contested strength, wouldn't it?
I. Think so.
I don't know how this however you want to do it.
Yeah, roll strength. 18. 1818. You got 18 too.
Yes, they are going to break the fucking.
Bottle All right, you both try to wrestle this golden gilded
bottle. Let.
Me. See.
Come on now. You lay your hands off my
personal affairs. How dare you, Sir, You are not a
gentleman by any means of the words.
You stop touching my personal property.
Who the hell? Do you think you are?
You both pull the bottle with such strength the golden cage
that surrounds the glass bottle breaks and you see the glass
bottle fall to the ground. I would like you dirty.
Son, and so why would you do that?
Well, that is my personal effects.
I would like to kick him in the Nets.
I. Would like to try to dodge that
and catch that bottle in my mouth.
Wow, wow. This baskets will lick that shit
up with the glass and all. I'll eat that.
Wait. Did the did the bottle break or
I? Think I'm just going to.
Serve a cage. You're seeing it fall in like
slow motion like. No soul.
Then I'm going to race. I'm going to race Fisk for it.
Yeah, I figured. It's a dog.
I'm. Taking.
Them in the nuts so. Yeah, if it falls.
Below meat level that is my property.
Roll roll agility to try to catch the bottle out of the air,
anyone? You go first.
I got an 18, I got a nine. I got a 13.
Oh shit. All right, Harold, like the
skillful man that he is, grasps the bottle before it hits the
ground and takes it and reclaims his soup.
I want to plunge my sword into him.
The rest of us are. The rest of us are gone.
I'm. Walking, Everyone else laughs.
I. Don't trust this guy.
He's being skeevy, OK? You guys are going to murder
each other here after it's all said and done.
That's how they become statues. That there's food.
I I was merely trying to reclaim my possessions.
I don't know what you are trying to do here.
No, I'm trying to take whatever you got.
Why does Fisk every time have to fucking try to kill my
characters? Levi.
It's not because I have a complex back story, OK?
Oh, you're. Son of a bitch.
All right, well, obviously I'm preoccupied with catching the
vial, so I guess make your attack if Mr. Gambino sees fit.
What'd you get? 6.
All right. With that six, you begin to
raise your sword and try to decapitate poor Triple H here,
but something comes over you. Oh no, a weird sensation that
you haven't felt in a long time. It's love.
Is his toes out? It's coming.
Is. This sensation that unfurls your
toes and relaxes you a bit? Oh no.
Or this is the time of Yule, the time of togetherness and
compassion. And you shared one hell of an
adventure with your friend Harold, your canine companion
Mix Snoots, your mechanical friend.
Theres your new friend, Doctor Creature and the slightly
androgynous Scott. Bakula.
You remember fondly of the memories that you had together,
the wonderful times that you had envisaging spiders invading your
flesh, killing several gnomes. God damn it, you had fun and you
had fun together and that is the whole reason for the season.
And I think with that, you put down your sword or at least
sheath it, and you realize it's not worth it.
It's not. No, I'm not going to kill him.
Well, I changed my mind. You, you go ahead.
You drink it. Oh, I'm going to, I'm going to
hang on to this for a minute and I'll give him a little, little
tap on the cheek. Which one?
Which Whichever one's present, I suppose.
Should we head back to town? I'll buy you a first round.
How about that? OK.
Yeah, that's fine. All right.
Well, with that I believe it is a mixed Newts, Fisk and Triple H
downstairs. Yes, Sir.
Cool. You all go up and you make your
way back into town and you make it to the bar and.
A little. Behold, you see your buddies
there waiting for you with a hot mug of cider for each of you and
mix newts. Yeah, fucking God damn it.
I was going to say mix newts. Case a bull.
Scott Bacula, UC Barbara and Sheep Code clawed waiting for
you at the opposite end of the bar in leather vests and assless
chaps. Oh, my entourage.
And with that I say, God bless us everyone, and to 1:00 and all
a good come. That definitely looks.
Tom, where can we find your stuff?
Oh well, you can find me on Instagram at Tom Gambino Art.
I'm a cartoonist, I'm an illustrator.
I'm looking to make more Merkboard content, just like you
all heard this evening. This campaign, Good Soup will be
available for use. I'm going to try to get it up
next month, my birthday month, so be on the lookout for that.
And basically, if you ever want to play games, I'm always down
to play a game. Hell yeah.
Hey everybody, Kevin at the end of the episode.
This episode features the adventure good suit by Tom
gambino with Levi playing Fisk baskins the cannibal cook by Ian
greytide long Jake playing Scott bakula the nosfer not to by
Jacob von Thomas playing theres the clockwork collector by
monkey Moto Kevin playing Harold haydat hurts the detested lik
leach by Nate cyber Nate playing doctor creature, the plate pit
practitioner by Nate cyber Walt playing Mr. mix news the
schleswig lap wolf by Richard Kelly and featuring special
guest GM Tom gambino. Check out all these cool things
and the respect effective ex liveris more for entries in the
description accompanying this episode.
And while you're at it, check us out on our social medias, our
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Blue Sky and Thread, and
wherever you. Listen to podcasts.
Make sure to rate, review, and share with all of your friends
so we can get out there to more people.
While we're at it, if you haven't already, please check
out our sister podcast, The World Standard.
With that, thanks for listening and we'll catch you guys next
time. Ladies and gentlemen, before we
get to the bloops, a quick message from Tom Gambino.
Hey everybody, Tom Gambino here. Thank you all for joining us on
this holiday adventure. You know, it's awesome listeners
like you that make this show so enjoyable to make and to listen
to. Because at the very heart of the
tabletop role-playing community, it's just a group of people who
just want to gather around a table and share stories with
friends. Which is why I want to talk
about my local role-playing game shop, Dungeon Books in Jersey
City. This awesome little store has
just made a wonderful community for anybody who is new to the
hobby of role-playing games or has been a lifelong player.
The owners make this little store so amazing with weekly
events, miniature paintings, and an abundant stock of
role-playing games and books in general.
They have it all. They have your Dungeons and
Dragons stuff, they have your indie stuff like Mothership,
Dragon Bane, and yes, even Merkborg.
I run games here every so often and it's always a blast.
The people that come are just so awesome.
They bring their enthusiasm and they just bring their overall
just wonderful energy into this humble little storm.
So if you ever find yourself on the East Coast, make sure you
pop in the dungeon books at 115 Brunswick street and tell them
Tom Gambino sent you. Also, they have an online store
where they can send you all the books you want L and be sure to
follow them on Instagram. They have all their stuff in
stock. They have a monthly book club.
It's the best place on earth for me at least, and I hope it will
be yours in the future. All right, enough of that.
Back to flailing. The cream looks a little more
viscous than it should be. God fucking damn it.
It's funny because it's semen. Do you want something hard
underneath that thing? Do I?
Yeah. Oh boy.
God damn. It.
Guys, come on. Right.
Since when? Good.
Hey, stop that hand motion right now.
All right. I'm trying to finish.
All right, now come on, demand now.
We've, we've already broken the DM, so we should, we should, we
should give the boy a chance to, to speak his mind and let's know
what's going on. Screaming that's.
When it sees the screaming. To be oh.
My God. Everything's gone.
Everything's infected. I want to go home.
They were in their devil fist, and I'll tell you what.
I'm I'm dead inside. That's. 16 decks.
That's 16 decks. OK, OK.
All 16 were buddies. Stop it.
They were. Pro hubs if they.
Were pro hubs. Let's see here.
What is fun? It's a good question.
Five Cochrane he's. Already.
Got 1. Yeah.
Oh no. One Cochrane.
To. Rule them all.
He wields his survey honey. Hi.
Hi, Madam Gambino.
Hello. That's good, Madam.
We still don't have. Hot fucking oh fuck, really?
Yeah, God damn it. I just talked to the door guy
and he said that it's still he doesn't know what's going.
On OK. Anyway, sorry I'm interrupting
that, no. I feel like I should leave the
room. Let us leave.
Just. Not going in the episode.
Guys, I'm being recorded for the episode.
Hello. Hello.
This is my wife.
This is Levi, Jacob, Nate, Kevin.
What's up? Thomas?
And another. Tom.
Mr. Mcsnutes, what's? Up, Mr. Mcsnutes.
Too good of a. Game I just.
Interrupted the game, so I'm gonna.
Leave Walt. His name is.
Walt, I usually go by Mr. Mcsnutes.
Yes, not you will now all. Right.
Enjoy. Come on, do we have?
Expressed written consent from your wife to put this in the.
No. You don't, You don't want to be
in this episode. Want to be in this episode?
Oh my God I couldn't resist. That was funny.
That Levi guy is weird. She hears the rest of us.
Oh my God, she's going to come to me and be like, those guys
seem nice, run again. You're not allowed to play with
them anymore. Talk.
About that's all they talk about.
Oh shit. OK.
This is a sticky episode. Yeah.
You did this. You did this.
Me you put. It in, you put it in the rolls
and I rolled it. I drink cum.
I didn't put cum in the rolls. I believe the that liquid core
dice is filled with cum Sir. Sorry, don't speak Italian.
That's Sanguini. Sanguine.
Sanguini, the Italian Dracula.
Sanguine and some marinara sauce.
Delicious. Well, I'm fucking hungry.
I say you that was That was quite the jolly adventure,
wasn't it? Quite a bit of jolly
cooperation, one might say. Humans are fucking weird.
Indeed you indeed don't sniff fueled you.
Son of a bitch.