This episode of Flail to the Face is dedicated to the memory
of Grant Jay Fleming, known in the Morkbourg community as
Harkenstone, who passed away a few years ago of cancer.
We are featuring his adventure Flails at Krimbo, which you can
find with his other works in his itch page.
LinkedIn the description and now on with the show.
Greetings scum and welcome to a very special episode of Flail to
the Face. My name is Kevin, I am your
wholemeister and I am here with Hi, I'm Thomas and I will be
playing Dalton Walls. Ho ho ho, all you little elves
on shelves. This is Tom Gambino and I'm
playing Colette Stellarno. I'm Mr. Paschke and I'm playing
Donnie. Well, time to bring in some
holiday cheer and floral. Floral.
So it has been yet another hard strenuous day out in the diaper
swamps as you guys are still sifting through the muck looking
for that cubic zirconium earring that that Princess lost ever so
long ago. You guys have finished your day
as you've finished many before you and probably more ahead of
you and you were led back into your barracks to get cleaned up
and get ready for the rest of the evening.
You guys through all of your hard work have earned an hour of
screen time in the TV room. As you guys are walking by you
notice that the TV room and the surrounding area in your
cellblock, it looks different for some reason.
It's a festive, I guess would be the proper in term.
There's there's certain decorations hanging up and just
thrown about. I mean, the best you could
possibly do on a prison trash planet.
And as you guys are walking by, you're getting these feelings in
in your hearts that it's it's getting to be that holiday
season. What are some holiday memories
that all this stuff kind of brings to mind as you guys are
making your way to the television room?
Being a young lad, growing my first set of pubic hair and then
my parents showing me how to RIP it out and praise to the Mecca
llama so that you could weave it into a Knick knack to attach to
your your your llamas mists scarf so that everyone knows
that that you are celebrating the holiday.
Donnie, we've talked about internal voice.
That was outside voice. Oh well, I'm making a scarf
Knick knack for all y'all, I just want you to know that.
Thank you. Because we've been working so
well together for so long in the in the the type of fields.
You know what? That is true.
We, the three of us, we've been shoveling shit for 12.
I can't even count anymore. But you guys are all right.
And for that, you know what? I reach into my jumpsuit and for
Donnie I pull out a small wooden llama figure.
Make a lot praised don't so beautiful.
Don't ask me how I got it, I had to do some.
Trading. But here you go, this is for
you. You should here.
I just made you a fruit bat. Pulls out his red colored fruit
bat that he wove himself. Oh, this is lovely.
Thank you, Danny. I appreciate this very much.
I'm. Going to put this on my wall and
and. It's meant to go on your scarf
near your face. Oh, thank you and I will.
I made it myself. And I will, thank you very much,
Danny. And I pat him on the shoulder
and I put it in my breast pocket of my jumpsuit, and I turn to
Dalton and I go. And I got something.
For you too and I reach into my jumpsuit again.
I I heard you like to read so I found some first editions for
you then they are. I heard you talking about how
you like physics and the. Quantitative shit.
I didn't know it was good but. I had Sal.
Wrangled him up. Here you go.
You. Just I, I don't what I don't
know what to say, but I, I can. And he like reaches into like
his jumper suit and he pulls out two envelopes, one that says
Colette and the other says Donnie on it.
And he's like these. This is a a tradition from my
planet and here. I take my envelope.
Donnie take his as well. I open it.
OK, so Colette's UC is a spreadsheet with like dot points
and stuff, and it has a metric that is generating how many
bowel movements you tend to have each day of the week, along with
a rating system. And then you can see like a bell
curve highlighting possible health issues, gauging off of
the smell and the frequency of your bowel movements.
You know what? As weird as this is, this is
oddly informative. You know what?
I'm going to bring this up at the next physical.
I am reluctant. To say thank you.
But I thank you. Dalton and I, I give him a hug.
And he's like, just kind of still holding, like cradling the
book and that awkward side hug type thing.
And yeah, he's just like in our planet.
It's just a way to like, show that like, you matter enough for
us to pay attention. Well, so did my bowel movements
are very. Are they ever present in your
mind, or is this just part of the tradition?
It's maybe completely honest. It's really hard to ignore it
when you do. Noted that, we'll bring that up
by next physical. The second YouTube part ways
Donnie comes at you with a pubic scarf Dick neck of a celicant.
He's like, it's a celicant, you know, I'm sure I've got on about
the significance of the celicant beer.
I remember. I remember to see the kid.
Yes, you. You bring it up very, very
often. Yes, yes, yes, yes, you do.
He thinks and like, he kind of like takes it and at the moment
kind of puts it as like a bookmark.
I don't know. You're supposed to wear it.
Oh, on your scarf. OK.
Yeah. He's like puts it on the
shoulder. Thanks.
You're welcome. Opens up download looks like.
Man, I wish I could read. Yes, you see a lot of like data
points and. Let's data point.
I look over at it and. Collette, as you read it, you
could see it is a chart with the corresponding estimated length
of the pubic hairs that he's been removing at a color
coordination and he's trying to map out are the blonde ones tend
to be longer or like the dark ones.
So like corresponding and then possible like theory because
apparently he did at least notice the weaving process, so
he was starting to speculate about how many hairs he would
need for different possible creatures to be made to match
the colors and the hairs. I look at the spreadsheet like
I'm a fucking Looney Tunes character.
My eyes are like big and bugging out.
There's like looking at it up and down, doing double takes.
Then I say. I fucked up.
Should have gotten you a fucking.
Trimmer. So as you guys are making your
way to the TV room, exchanging these very heartfelt and
surprisingly informative gifts between each other, you make it
to the room. There's a few other people that
are kind of half assedly staring at the television and one of the
guards is flipping through the stations and he stops at one
that the title screen comes up as the gift.
And as you guys are settling in, the theme music starts to play
and the credits start to roll. The.
So the scene opens as the three of you are working and cleaning
up in the Tavern that you all three run, known as the
Screaming Donkey, in the village of Shattered Stone Pass.
Who are the three of you and what are your roles in the
Tavern itself? So my character is Fell Band.
He's an individual with long tangled hair.
There's that at least one cockroach noticeable weaving
itself and running through the strands.
He tends to kind of kind of flemi.
He tends to pour drinks, which is also not great because he
tends to also be kind of careless with things.
So it's a lot of a lot of broken glasses as he's serving towards
people. The name's Vagal.
I work in this Tavern as a as a gambler of sorts.
A better. I encourage people to come in,
drink beers, nails, eat. Fruit.
And I play games with them. I I'm a crack of dice.
I loved dice. I'm pretty lucky when it comes
to dice rooms, if you know what I mean.
You're Clert be a retired Navy man.
He works at the door making sure people are allowed in.
So as you guys are cleaning up for the night, it is the eve of
the holiday season, you're shutting down early so all the
patrons can go home to their family and celebrate.
So, and just so that you guys can do so as well, along with
the three of you, you also have Vagal's daughter running around
helping to pick up stuff as well.
What's the daughter's name? What is the daughter's name?
Bagel. Oh, there's Ruby.
There's a little Ruby. You all know little Ruby.
So Ruby's out sweeping underneath the tables and
fussing. Everything fell bands like Last
Call and then just like we, we've gotten to the point
because of so many broken glasses, we just have like metal
tankards that people have been drinking out of.
He puts an arm down and just slides it down the bar and it
dumps all the cup cups into a bin at the end of the bar.
Time to go. And with a grumble from the
crowd, they finish their drinks and kind of shuffle their way
out the door. And you guys spend the next hour
to kind of picking up, cleaning up, getting everything set up
for the next day when court you hear a knock at the door.
Your Barbie closed. You should have showed up
earlier. Do you hear no response?
And on the other side of the door.
Yeah, I guess they hurt me. Yeah.
So it's glad that everyone's gone.
You always have such a great way with people.
I find the direct approach is best with most people.
Yeah, it does tend to be more favorable approach.
And Ruby. Ruby, Do you hear any metal
clanging when you're sweeping up?
Girl no. Papa.
There's nobody was drunk enough to drop any more coins, eh?
No, Papa. Good girl, Ruby, good guy.
And I pat her head. A few minutes later, you hear
another knock at the door, and it's a little more persistent.
Yeah, I already said we were closed.
And just pounding at this point, just damn near trying to beat
the door down. If some people can't take a hit.
Is my vicious dog reacting to this viciously?
Your small The vicious dog is at the door barking and growling
like mad. And then, as the dog starts
barking and growling, the pounding on the door stops.
I guess they got the message. Well done, Petunia.
But as you're praising Petunia, she is still barking and
growling at the door. She is persistent, scratching
and clawing at the door. Well, I don't want you to mess
up the woodwork. You little, You little.
Rapscallion you such a cutey, such a good little.
Is there people or something I can look out?
Yeah, there's some people. All right, so I'll pick up
Petunia, who's probably, I'm sure, nipping at me and growling
and I just like trying to like gently give her little kisses on
her face because that's what every dog owner does of.
Course. And I will in one hand hold her,
and the other hand kind of lift up the people and kind of peer
through. As you're looking out through
the people, you see the snow starting to collect, but through
the the edge of the people you see at the corner of a box.
The box say did anyone order a package?
No. Not me mate.
Well, there's one out here I ain't heard of 1.
What is that? Why are you looking at it?
Go bring it. In it's just because I may I I
work the door, doesn't mean I have to bring people in.
I just. Look it undoes the latch and
starts to like open the door if. I were you, I would just keep in
mind the ones who may prevent people from stealing.
And it's not the guy behind the bar, it's the guy at the door
who doesn't let him leave unless.
Opens door slowly. Won't be that new delivery
service imagine. As you open the door, you see on
the step there a long rectangular box wrapped up in a
bow with a little card on top of it that says Ruby.
Oh, it's got a card on it that says Ruby.
I walk over to it and how long is this box?
Roughly 3 foot by about 8 inches square 3.
Foot. Inches.
So long. Long about, you know, maybe 8
inches tall, 8 inches wide, 3 foot cross, 3 foot.
Ruby, someone got you a baseball bat.
Now wait, wait. It's too short to be a harpoon.
Who is it from? Who's it from me.
And I look at the card and I try to see who it's from.
You will see that it is from a woman that is familiar to all
three of you, a woman that you all three have had a relation
with at one point or another. It is Ruby's mom, Prugal.
I take the card of. Prugal is.
It. From Alma what's it the what's
she want on a statement? What's it?
How did the? Basketball.
Sweetie, sweetie, this is me. Whatever's in that box, it's
from your mom. Mama.
No, no, no, no, no. We've talked about this.
What have I? What have I told you about your
mother? She's a lovely lady.
That is not what I said. That's what I heard.
No, that's what I said that is. The exact opposite of what I
said. What's from Mama?
I was like Clert and I had a pretty good evening.
I cover Ruby's eyes and I flip off both of you.
As you're distracted by by flipping off the other two Ruby
Dukes around you and goes and grab the box and brings the box
in. Ruby.
And as she's tearing apart the box, she opens it up and she has
a very confused look on her face.
What is it, sweetie? She kind of tilts the box
towards the three of you and it appears to be a flail.
You're never too young to have your first flail.
But I don't understand. And as Ruby goes to pick up the
flail to hold it, you see something happen to her.
All the color starts to drain from her skin and her eyes start
to gloss over. As they're glossing over.
They're starting to have a reddish pink glow and she goes
from being confused to smiling as she starts to start swinging
the flail around. Great day.
Sure, every day of you, guy. OK, sweetie.
And as she says that, she catches eye of Petunia and
starts to make a mad dash to Petunia.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there. Sweetie.
I try to get in the middle of her.
I'm going to try to tackle this kid.
Don't you tackle my dog? Your daughter's attacking my
dog. I think the priorities are in
place. I'm trying to wielding stop it.
Help me stop that. As you guys are having this
conversation, oh, no, I'm acting.
I'm, I'm. Yeah.
No, I'm, I'm. I'm actively getting in front of
Ruby. OK.
Both of you guys make agility tests?
Oh shit well I am lucky I will 2 dose. -3 on agility.
And I wait. Let me see what's mine, I think.
I got a 14. I have a 0 to agility that's a
15. OK, so as you guys go to grab a
Ruby, she feels different. She feels hot to the touch.
She is burning up. She is flamed right now.
She's so hot and she's. Got the fever?
She's writhing and wriggling and has still got her eyes focused
on Petunia, and as Petunia catches wind of the fact that
they're being chased, Petunia makes a mad dash out the door.
No, my precious little doggy, I follow Petunia I.
Keep holding on to Ruby. Run.
Run Petunia. Save yourself.
I just keep holding on to Ruby. I'm like.
Sweetie out, out, sweetie, out, out, out, out.
You're kind of burning, but it's OK.
That's OK. Daddy's here.
Out, out, out. And she is just relentlessly
trying to break free as you guys are holding her.
The heat just raiding off her is is almost unbearable.
Wow. Court As you go outside, you see
Petunia make a mad dash for the middle of the street.
As Petunia is crossing the street you do notice that there
is a gang of what appears to be 5 other children running down
the street chasing your neighbor Missus Throckmorton with flails
swinging them madly and she is not making very good progress.
As they cross in front of you. They end up catching up with
Missus Throckmorton and they pummel her to a bloody mess with
these and as she drops laying there bleeding in the street.
They run off down the street. Children of the Flails park
here. The Flails.
OK, Felben and Vagal, go ahead, make a strength check DR14 to
keep hold of our sweet, sweet Ruby.
That's a note. Definitely wait, wait, wait.
Strength. Strength.
Yes, that's a 16. OK, so as she's writing in your
hands and the heat just rating off her, she slips from your
grass there, Felvin. But Vagel, you still have a firm
hold on her. Sweetie, I told you.
I told you not to drink all that vim cow.
It's full of sugar. And she is just.
Let me go. Let me go.
Now. You listen here, young lady.
I did not raise such a violent, quite tepid daughter.
How old is Burns? A lot.
Don't like it? Go ahead and make another
strength check DR14 to keep hold right?
The heat is just intense. Nope, don't make it.
Wait. Yeah, no, don't make.
It OK, so as she's still writhing around, the heat has
become so unfairable that you just end up letting her go and
she makes a mad dash, bursting between the two of you out the
front door, running past court aimlessly down the street.
I immediately run after her. Ruby, Ruby, love, Daddy's
coming. I'm going to drop a map of our
fair city, the Shattered Stone Pass, in the discord chat.
Oh. My God this is fucking bananas,
boys. Yeah, look at that.
So along with where you guys are centrally located in the town,
there is all your ex's house Krugal down to the southeast.
There is the guardhouse, which is basically the law enforcement
agency up in the northeast. And then there's also Lord
Torgan's matter. He's basically the the ruling
faction. Vassal.
The vassal of the village, yes. As you guys get outside, as
court has already seen, there is just troves of children running
back and forth, chasing adults with flails, catching some of
them, catching each other. They're recklessly swinging
these things and causing a mass of chaos and disorder in the
town. Outside I find I like, I find
court and I'm just seeing what he's seeing and I just go to him
and. Like what the bloody fuck is
this? Yeah, I, I, I've heard stories.
We've never seen anything like this myself.
I It's a real Hatch Berry cuckoos, Children of the Corn
kind of scenario. I only understood some of those
words, but I get what you're saying.
So as you guys are standing here in pure utter shock and and Bill
Wilderman was exactly as going on.
I immediately flashed back like. Wait, what am I thinking?
I I grabbed. Ruby.
Did you see Ruby? Which I Ruby go?
I I've seen things tonight like that we.
Points over at the woman laying motionless in the street.
I look. Down and like.
Oh my God, it's just me. Strong.
Bloody hell. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention
to where Ruby went and what happened.
Your case is as good as mine mate.
I come on thinking caps guys. Think about it, kid with flail.
Yeah. Attack Dog.
But why? Why do?
They remember. Remember that time I said that?
This is like, you know, Children of the Corn scenario.
Yes, that was. Literally 3.
Minutes ago. Yeah, more like 3 seconds, but
we'll move. On SO, time escapes me at the
moment. Kids went, grabbed flails,
chased Mrs. Stockport and then they they, they laid her out in
the street. Wait, wait, wait, wait flails.
All of them matching flails like they were given out.
This like the must have holiday Christmas item that you can get
at your local store. Get it now for 1995.
Buy one for Yorkshire loved ones and children.
This is a paid advertisement for the flails processing industry.
Anyways, sorry that was I don't know what came over there.
Good product. Placement.
But anyway. But lads, we have quite a
mystery on our hands Who, whoever gave much sweet precious
fruit that flail gave flails to all the other kids in the town.
Well, according to the Tagamus, her mother, her mother, who
cares very deeply about buying the child what she wants this
year for the holiday. Like a flail that.
Cold hearted witch. She's the one that did this.
I I immediately start walking, stomping towards Perugal's
house. I'll lean towards clerk if we're
going to see Perugal again. You think we'll she'll let us do
what we did the last time? Not a fucking word.
I get the top this time, not the bottom.
Shut your bloody pie hose or I'll shut them for you.
And as you guys are making your way towards Perugal's house and
walking by the bleeding, dying body of your good neighbor, Mrs.
Throckmorton. She looks that bitch, hands
reaching for some sort of semblance of help.
No time, Mommy, we got to go. It's just like this would be a
great time for a break. Like an advertisement, break a
break to let you know about flails available at your local
supermarket. Come one, come all, join us as
we dive into the dying world of More Ford and the Bored
Universe. Whispers of the Dying Lands is a
podcast with 1 mission to spread the word of Mecker Bell as third
party content creators share the prophecies of Viru.
Hi, your host Oloskos teams up with everyone's favorite scum,
Iron Tusk Tevin. From Flail to the Face, you sit
down with content creators to help promote and try to give
maximum exposure and efforts to support their crowdfunding
campaigns. And now back to the show.
So you guys are standing out in front of the screaming donkey
Misses Throckmorton. Your lovely neighbor is bleeding
in the street and there are just groups of children swinging
these big monstrous bloodied flails chasing after random
villagers. You guys have decided that
you're going to go to see all of your ex-wife, Krugal.
Yes. I imagine that clutter and fell
Ben they're they're not ex husbands approval.
We just happen to have a very fun weekend at Cancun together.
You know yeah I I I don't mean to assume anybody's marital
status with the with the good Miss Pruegel but you guys are
actually just standing outside. Are you planning on arming
yourselves or are you guys just going to go gung ho?
What is What's the thought process as you guys are seeing
all this massacre in the? Streets.
Montage. It's Montage Guy, Yeah.
I'm going to grab my backpack with my crossbow.
And I have my crossbow. And then I have a large heavy
silver crucifix. I have my crossbow, I have my
scale armor on, and I have my Lantern.
I grab a knife, that's really all I my character she gave me
for a weapon is a fucking knife. 00.
They're only kids, so. That's true.
To them, it might be a dagger. Perfect.
OK. So you guys have armed yourself,
you guys are standing in the streets seeing all these groups
of children chasing villagers around, and you have a few
choices to get over to Frugal's house.
You could take the main streets, you could take like the back
streets, or you could take like some alleyways, just depending
on which route you want to go to get there.
Oh guys, I'm going to say we go ahead and do the backstreets.
It's what Prugal like. We are I believe that to be the
the case as. Rainbow shutters, but ultimately
agrees. OK, as you guys make your way
through the back streets as Frugal so likes you, round a
corner and you see one of the town's guard dragging his
shattered leg behind him as he's running away from a child that's
mercilessly swinging this flail at him and gaining ground.
So his leg is broken. His leg is broken and he's just
dragging behind him as he's trying to get away from the
child. But it's the town's guard.
It is one of the town's guard, yes.
And the kid is distracted. The kid is distracted a cat
motherfucker. Sorry, sorry about your luck and
I'm just going to keep going to improve I.
I I follow suit. I'm just focused on just getting
to prove it right. Through this backstreet, you're
basically going to have to pass the child and all we have is the
town's guard as you guys are passing by.
The child doesn't pay seem to pay you any money, no?
I. All right, I just kidding.
As we as we were getting close, if if the kid doesn't realize
it, I'm going to go throw a rock in the vicinity of that guard to
see if the kid will notice it. OK, As you throw the rock, the
child doesn't seem to pay it any mind and finally catches up with
the town's guard and takes out the other leg, dropping the
guard to the ground, and begins to mercilessly pummel this guard
to death with this flail. You know, all of this violence
might not be a bad thing. It could be a blessing in
disguise. Here.
I need to check out that that flail.
I Shank the child. Okay, go ahead and make an
attack roll. That's a 19 to shame.
Fucking God. Okay, so you have shanked this
child. You just went really dark
around, didn't you? Go ahead and roll damage.
I believe that's AD 4, yes. My old friend.
I did 3 damage. OK, so as you go and stab into
this child and twist and twist, it goes in deep, real deep into
the side. But as it gets to a certain
point, the child pulls away and you see just blood pouring out
of this child's chest. This poor boy is just bleeding
and bleeding, but somehow they're still up.
Roll Initiative. Do I stole my advantage for for
an oh wait, no initiative? Yeah, you are all initiative.
You do the the no. Because initiative is the six.
Yeah. My abilities I'll do the
initiative 5. That's you guys Child has
focused on court. The one that just stabbed them
as they were mercilessly pummeling this.
Guard and I stabbed that child again in the eye.
OK, make an attack. We'll make a sailor out of you.
Yet the ball. Would kill it first.
Another 19 shit. Fantastic.
All right. I would say roll damage, but you
can't possibly not kill this poor child.
Please tell me how you do this. I I once learned this when I was
sailing off the shore. And that's the sound it makes
when it goes into the child's brain and probably the last
thing that he hears. Perfect.
And as you stab this child in the eye, the child drops to the
ground, flail still clutched in its.
Merry Christmas. All right.
I would like to investigate the. Flail, you are one stone cold
motherfucker. OK, as you look at the flail in
the child's hand, you see that the hands on this flail seem to
be melted to the handle of this flail.
Like it's like welded. Oh.
But like, you know how hot that Ruby was?
Oh, so the skin just melted like it was hot steel into the as it
grips the flail. Yeah, like it's gripped so much
that the hand in the flesh is melted to the the handle of the
flail. OK, so it didn't like grow into
the flail. It's just burned into place,
Correct. Yeah, I'd not be using that.
I loot the guard. OK on the guard itself he is got
a short sword D6 damage. I will.
I will yoink that. OK, and as you guys are looting
this body, you hear behind you the sounds of more swinging and
bludgeoning and children laughing as they are
slaughtering the villagers. I think it's time for us to get
moving. I'm also a little worried that
Ruby's hand is going to. Start looking like that.
Oh, it's like my hands. Do you think she'll play piano
again? Do you think she'll play Vienna
again? I don't.
Think she ever actually learned? You're just wasting your money
on the lessons. She was good, she got the chords
right. She wasn't good.
She wasn't. She was Chopin.
And I keep walking. Toward Brutal's house.
All right, Mr. Gambino, go ahead and roll me AD 8.
AD 8. Oh.
Yes, please. You're going to use.
My little metal bag. Oh, fancy.
That's a 5. All right.
As you guys are making your way down this backstreet, you start
to round a corner. You see a group of 10 kids that
are busting out the glass in the corner store, and they're
grabbing just huge glass jars of candy.
And how they're doing it with these flails in their hands, I
don't know. I didn't think about that
logistically until I said it just now.
It was my immediate question, yeah.
They are bashing the the glass jars of candy and dumping their
heads into the pile of candy and glass and trying to devour as
much candy as possible. How much glass is stuck to their
face? Kevin will do have glass of
face. So much glass stuck to their
face, as it turns out, But there's about 10 kids, flails in
hand, face full of candy and glass.
They don't notice us. At the moment they have not
noticed you yet. And we have to walk past them in
order to proceed. Yes, well guys, I'd rather not
have to stab and maim additional kids, so if we could try to
sneak past this, this would be great.
Why I didn't have a problem with it?
I just look at. Side eye squinting next year
the. Hell is wrong with you mate.
Look, they're all glued to be maims for the rest of their
lives. So anything I did that little
lot of favor. I'm just going to sneak over.
Yeah, we're going to just sneak agility tests for everybody
that's sneaking DR10. Oh, that's 14.
Perfect. So as you guys are making your
way past this group of children, they are more than preoccupied
with cramming their face full of glass and candy.
Glass, candy, rock candy, candy and glass.
But. And they pay you no mind.
But even still in the background, you still hear the
sounds of the whole town being ravaged by flail wielding
children. But as you're progressing down
the backstreet, Mr. Pashley, go ahead and roll me AD8D8.
Was here. Get them away other days 6.
OK, so after making it down this long stretch, you finally get to
the perimeter of Kruegel's house.
And as you're getting to the perimeter, you do notice that
there are a group of four children taking their flails the
butt in and trying to bash in the door.
And you hear distant screaming inside of the house.
I encourage the children. Good, good.
Smash that house. Kill that bitch's kneecaps.
Don't we want to get some answers 1st?
Oh. Wait, what?
Wasn't it your decision to come here?
You. You.
We are following you. Finally guessing to me dancers
and. I just mumble.
Does this mean we get to kill more children?
That is not the goal. What is wrong with you man?
As you say that, you feel something rush against your leg
court and you see zooming past you Petunia making a mad dash
for the children that are beating down the front, yipping
and howling and just I thought a dog possessed.
I I would follow this dog into battle like I did many times in
my days in the military on the sea.
Yes, I go, I follow, but you all here is.
Yar, we must go kill these kids. I look at Felbin and I go.
When did we become friends with this guy and.
I'm kind of wondering, like, are we the bad guys now?
I mean, you don't want to. The kids aren't possessed by
evil and they're all horribly made, never fully recover.
If anything, we're doing them a favor.
It's outside them. Kill or be.
Killed. They're still children, right?
He's just yelling from a distance.
It's really like you're you're impressed with the fact that
he's still replying to what you have to say.
It's. Not a good luck capacity to tell
him no. I just knock an arrow in my
crossbow and I'm just like, oh, I really didn't want to do this.
OK, go ahead and roll for your attack.
Oh, I all right. I aim at one of the kids.
There you go. That doesn't feel good to say.
Holy fuck I roll double ones my crossbow explodes.
Twice. Oh God.
So as you knock the bolt in the crossbow, actually you tell me
how this fun. By some divine intervention, God
heard me out of the words. I guess I'm going to have to
kill a kid and my crossbow explodes like the as soon as I
pull it back the tension just breaks and the butt of it.
Hits me square. In the face and breaks my nose.
OK, take a point of damage. And I'm at 5.
As your crossbow explodes in your hand, the three of you
noticed that the beating of the flail butts against the doors
have stopped, and these four children have got their focus on
the three of you completely, and they start to charge.
Somebody please roll emission. I'll do.
It yeah, nobody trust me. 5. Nice.
That is you guys. I used my newly acquired short
sword to murder a child. Yes.
Short. Swords also available at
retailers that sell flames. Buy a short.
Sword today. So yeah, whatever child comes up
at me first just, you know, straight shot to the head
fantastic that's. Do I have any omens?
I have two omens. I would like to use up one of my
omens. I will allow it.
All right get out of here too. I rolled A1 with my omen.
Before then I had a 2. Go ahead and roll me.
AD 21 will be the sword breaks 2 will be the sword is loosed from
your hand. I have a knife.
OK, so tell me how you lose your sword.
Well. You see, this town was poorly
funded by its local Lord, Tugger Trigger McGee.
Tugger McGee. So, you know, just real cheap
metal basically went to swing it.
The peen on the pommel of the sword just wasn't really even
barely peed on there. So like the inertia of me, like
bringing the sword out just launched it over the head of the
kid. And just stuck into the wall of
the the house. That sounds about right.
OK, with that being said, who's next?
I guess I'll go, this'll be fun. Can I find like a rock or
something? Oh absolutely.
You can find any Rock You want to throw at.
These I pick up the biggest rock in Pruegel's yard, and I'm going
to use that as a bludgeon for this kid coming at me.
Absolutely, I would love for you to roll this.
This, this doesn't feel good, but we're going to do it.
I do not do it. OK, please explain what happens
exactly. So I pick up a rock and I like,
I threaten the kid like. Stay back.
I'm going to bring you with this.
I swear to go to bring you. And the kid keeps charging
towards me manically swinging it's flail and I just try to
overhead like smash the rock against it but I go why and I
misjudge like the height of the child's head in comparison to my
swing and I miss him completely. OK, Thomas Feldon.
Yeah, I'm really having like, this crisis of, you know, I got
to punch his kids through. So, like, he has this crossbow
and he's going to try to like, just basically maim 1.
He wants to just like, arrow to the knee.
I can't chase after him. OK, Perfect.
And IT presents. That is a 15.
All right, You shot an arrow into the child's knee.
What is the damage? That Crossbone was AD 80 Max.
Please roll that. Damage.
Roll that 8. Roll that 8.
That's a 7. Yes.
All right, I'm going to aim for the knee.
Oh, that's the head. Thomas, please tell me how you
killed this child. So basically is he lines up this
shot and he's like really intent.
I'm trying to take arrow to the knee.
And that last instant before he pulled the trigger, he like
closed his eye because he was just like, I, I can't believe
I'm doing this. And the shot actually goes up a
little bit and hits like that artery in the upper leg and
causing the kid to just fall unconscious.
And lead out there. Child drops.
I am a terrible person. Stop smiling.
Yeah, I'd be proud of you, boy.
You're finally becoming a man unlike that child will never be.
What is wrong with you dear? Fucking God, man.
That being said, these three flail wielding children are
coming at the three of you. Everybody please make an agility
test in defense. That's 17.
Okay, that's 16 -, 3 that is a negative.
Wait, actually, if it's Agility, it's 18.
Yeah, no. I forgot to add it's a dirty 20.
Fantastic. I just got a 16.
OK so the ones that are swinging at Klort and Vogel, they are
still trying to get their balance down as they're swinging
it. The one coming after Felbin
basically runs over the one that was shot by Felbin using them as
a jumping point and swings whole hog at Felbin.
Please roll AD 8 for damage. That's a three, three points of
damage I'm going to spend in home and to try and reduce that.
I would love it if you did. You know you have two hit
points. That's a four.
Oh shit. So, Selvin, these children that
you know that their innocence is still there as this flail comes
swinging at you, Please tell me how this child takes you out.
Oh. My God.
No, I prevented the damage. Oh, you did?
OK, Disregard that whole thing. OK, so the child swings at you,
it trips over the arrow that was lodged in the other one's knee
and misses completely. Disregard the fact that you
died. OK, Somebody roll initiative.
Oh. They'll do it.
Shit, that's a term. That is them.
OK, so again, these children still whipping these flails
around, coming at the three of you in no particular order.
Everybody make an agility test to defend.
I got a 12. I got an 18. 13 All right,
they're still trying to balance themselves, trying to wield
these things you guys are narrowly avoiding as they are
missing your guys is attacked. Do we recognize these kids or
are we like? These are just some rando kids
from the village. Okay.
But you do see, just like you saw with Ruby, that all the
color has been drained from their skin.
Their eyes have kind of glossed over and have a bit of a pink,
pinkish red glow to it. I'm getting out of this.
I am going to try and climb like the side of Pruegel's house to
try to get to like an upper, like to the rooftop or like a
second story window or whatever, trying to get away from these
monsters. OK, Yeah, there's like a little
shack that's connected to Pruegel's house that you can get
on top of if you make an agility test.
Really good agility. I don't know, this seems like
the right thing to do. That's a three.
That is a three. So as you're making your way
past, you catch some loose dirt, you make it to the shed, but you
don't just. Crash through the front.
Of the shed rest. Of you guys.
Is there anything in the shed? Thomas is in the shed.
Now Thomas is in the. Shed.
I'm in the shed now, Belvin. All right, who's next?
I'm kind of hoping to see if I can find like an axe.
In the shed. I guess I will try to.
What's the word I'm looking for? I would like to.
On Judge. Alive via slitting of the
throat. A child.
OK, we are all going to be on a watch list because of this
episode, did you know that? What?
Why would we be on a a watch list?
Because I just went up from behind a child that like missed
his swing out of Mace and I tried to just, you know, grab
his head and, and just pull my knife along his his.
Throat. Slowly.
Did you make the attack? I think it was the 13.
That is a solid hit. Go ahead and roll your damage.
All right, back to the stupid knife.
Couldn't have a sword anymore. And you're short stuck in the
house. Yeah, that's only one damage.
All right, so as you. Know the child killing time for
Mr. Patchkey to be. The child lives.
Yeah, as you go to slice the child, it does nick the neck and
blood does start to trickle, but it doesn't seem to be slowing
down the child. Voggle I.
Would you try to unlodge the sword from the side of Frugal's
house? OK, go and make a strength
chest. Actually make an agility test to
get past these kids first. I'm gonna do that.
Watch me do that. That's a 15.
All right, now go and make a strength check as you zip past
these children to pull the sword out of the wall. 14 Perfect.
So you have successfully pulled the sword out of the wall.
And as you do, the front door opens and you see the town guard
leader, Sergeant Haversham, comes out with the sword and
he's kind of wrestling with his pants as he's coming out the
door. What the, what, what is going
on? What is what is going on out
here? So you've been spending time
with approval too. You guys know approval?
Yeah, I believe you were just warming her up.
I mean, she's never mind. Never mind what?
What the fuck is going on out here?
Oh, you know, it's just a normal Tuesday killing kids.
Claude what Claude don't understand.
We don't know what's going on either.
These kids just got they got that armor flails and you're
just killing people. That's.
Fucking you know how insane that sounds, right?
Yes, but look. Bloody look.
Roll initiative. Who's?
Doing it, Sure. You got to die.
You got a four. That is you guys.
So there's two children that haven't even been hit and then
there's one that's got a small nick on them and they are still
in proximity of you guys. I take the one child that I
nicked, I rotate him towards the the town's guard and you know.
Show him what you. Got.
I kind of give him a little nudge at the at the captain of
the guard. OK.
See what this does is it proves our point that the children are
vicious and attacking. So I'm hoping the kid will just
go attack the guard, therefore making him join our side of the
fight. OK.
And to further assist with Cloret's efforts, I will say.
Look, look, does that kid look normal?
He's got no color in his skin and his eyes are pink.
And he's trying to attack you. More importantly, he's trying to
kill us. Exactly, did you?
Hear the banging outside the door.
Yeah, I just thought it was Pruegel's 1030.
That's me. If, if if this were.
Any other day of the week, right, I would gut you like a
fish, but for now we have more pressing matters to deal with.
All right, so Mr. Patchkey is trying to weaponize the
possessed child against the down guard.
I'm. Just nudging it along the path
it wants to go on. You know what?
The child runs towards the guard.
See. It's nature, it's course.
All right, what would Thomas or Mr. Gambino like to do?
Well. I'm going to let that card that
Clark pushed towards the guard have Adam.
And I think what matters to me is going inside the house and
find proval, because proval to my notch is the source of if
it's if she was the source of Ruby's flail, then she must know
something about all the other ones.
OK, so as you end to the house, you see Pruegel getting herself
situated, but you could tell that she's just frantic, just
tears running from her eyes and she's she looks terrified.
I point my sword at her, and I go.
You to me, bitch, What'd you do to our daughter?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Don't. Well, you centered that stupid
flail in the bloody box and I. Didn't send anybody a flail.
Why would I send somebody a flail?
It's sex on the card. I court, you fucking idiot.
You know I can't write. I'm vagal.
Oh, so sorry. You know I can't write.
You all look alike. It's Clark out there.
I am here for my 11:00. I'm here for the 11:30.
Did you bring a friend? I'm still here.
Vagal just pinches the spot of his nose between his eyes.
That being said, Feldman, what are you doing that you were
still outside with a few of the Yeah, no, I was going to try and
follow suit with going into the house because I don't want to
fight these kids if I have to. He's off the clock.
You enter the room as well, you see.
Oh, hey, Pruegel. Hi, Felben.
So little early. Keep it in your pants.
What Pruegel?
You don't know anything about the flails.
I have no idea about the flails. All I see is his children
running around with flails. That's why I've been hiding with
Sergeant Haversham. He's been in there protecting
me. Hiding Wink.
Wink, wink. Wink wink, wink, blink.
Hi, Clark. Oh fucking damn it.
As she's seeing this, you see Sergeant Haversham standing in
the doorway, a bit confused about this whole conversation.
As he's standing there you hear the sound of heavy spiked metal
contact with flesh and skull as the back of his head caves in
and he drops to the ground. Oh, too bad, so sad.
One of the children that you guys were fighting, standing
over him. OK, I loot the body.
He's going to get his sword now. Sure.
As you approach the body, the child that was standing there
stops what it's doing, turns around and walks into the yard
of a Pruegel's house. Oh like it like it like stops
the child stops attacking all together and just like turns
around and fuck off. All together.
Oh wow, the town guard had a short sword as well and roll
2D6. 2 and A5. OK, and seven silver in a small
pouch. Clor.
As you are looting the body of Sergeant Haversham, you notice
that not only is the child that just murdered him as walking
into the yard, but more children are starting to collect in the
yard. In Pruegel's yard.
In Pruegel's yard, there's 10, there's 25, there's 40.
All these children are just standing in the yard facing
Pruegel's house. I just raised my sword back up
at her and I'm just like. Bullshit.
What? This isn't me, I swear.
And as she says that, you see that the group of children
parked, and you see a teenage boy that you all recognize as
Lord Torgan walking from the crowd and standing in front of
them. Same drained color from his
skin, same reddish pink glow in his eyes, and he just stands
there laughing. Does he have a flail in his
hands? He does not have a flail in his
hands. Isn't it amazing?
Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?
He's so glorious, isn't? It lovely.
What have you done, you little twat?
Well, obviously I've taken care of the adult problem in this
town. Now I can do what I want.
I can do exactly what I want. Do I want this farm?
Of course I can have this farm. This is mine.
There's no one to tell me no. That store.
I can have all the candy I want. This is mine.
This is all mine. Fully mine.
Everything. Everything.
You, you ever stop to think to yourself there, boy, that you
were the Lord of the of the entire town?
Maybe it was already all yours. And as he says that, a few of
the children are nudging Lord Torgens parents, beaten and
bloodied, and bringing them to his feet, making them kneel
down. See Mother, see Father, see if I
can do anything I want now. But none of you can tell me
anything. Hey Chloe, it looks like you've
got competition for one fucked up motherfucker of the night.
Or maybe I was just right the whole time.
You're always right, we are. Shut.
Guarantee. Oh, oh, sorry.
As Lord Torksen is staring at his parents, beaten and
bloodied, a loud bang crashes and echoes through the town.
Thunderous shakes every wall around Kruegel's house shakes
harder than the 10:30 and the 11:45, but together.
God. Damn it.
The air is starting to fill with the smell of thick ozone and
it's starting to heavily snow just dumping down all around
everybody. Wolfer.
Ash. It's it's snow.
Oh, it's regular, but it is just it went from just being a light
doesn't choose just a heavy thick snow.
What the fuck it is? Oh, it takes.
As that crash shakes and rattles everything, it basically knocks
everybody on their ass, including Lord Torx, and you
guys are kind of shifted off of your balance.
Oh fuck. As the snow and every and the
dust starts to settle, a large dark hairy creature begins to
stand from the pile. Huge goat like horns, large
pointed tongue, sharp black fangs and he's standing right
there in front of Lord Torxen. You see Torxen's eyes just open
wide with fear as the creatures is walking towards him.
Oh. Oh, my.
Who? You want to know?
No. No.
What's What can possibly. You can't.
You can't do this. You can't do this.
I have my army of children. I can take you out.
I can take care. Anybody else?
As he's saying this, you see
that as he's pleading and begging for his life, he is
basically just standing in an ever expanding puddle of your
coating the snow around him. Without even saying a word, this
creature grabs Torx in by the throat and stuffs him into a
huge burlap sack. In one swift motion, he takes
the sack, beats it against the ground three times, and then
springs off into the air and out of sight.
Is that Uncle Ricky? Uncle Ricky, he's not supposed
to be here until next week. What?
You said you weren't going to see him anymore.
Well. He's my uncle.
That makes things a little awkward for me.
As the snow and everything starts to settle, you see the
children get their color back into their skin.
Their eyes fade from that reddish pink glow and their
hands let go of all the flails dropping to the ground around
them, their hands still scorched and burnt.
Names for life called. Do I see Ruby amongst the
children? Yes.
Ruby. Ohh, Ruby sweetie.
And I run toward her, and I scoop her up.
Oh, sweet baby. Ruby.
Oh, it's OK. It's OK.
We'll get some aloe Vera on baby.
It's OK, sweetie, it's OK. Felpen's gonna lean over to
court. Guess we won't have to listen to
the piano anymore. Yeah, all she could do is play
chopsticks. They'll probably be about the
same really, when you think about it.
And as you guys are saying this, you see the children still
confused, kind of walking around with their hands just burnt and
maimed. They started to disperse and you
see Ruby staring into Voggle's eyes, just looking at him and
saying do. These look infected.
Well, yeah, they do look a bit infected.
Now if you excuse me Ruby, I've got to talk to approval about a
possible 1230. I got to say, I'm not sure what
the point of that show was. The point is, they reunite at
the end of 1230. The point?
Is don't trust children, they will only grow up to hurt you I.
Mean yeah, that was a given, but I thought everyone knew that.
Well, it's it's, it's bears repeating and reiterated.
When you really look deep down to the subtext that the story
tells, it is about the group overcoming that what the, the
forces that oppose them and the evil that will come for us all.
The only thing you can do is band together and forgive one
another, much as the 12:30 appointment shows that Frugal
will reunite with her month's love and soon Ruby will have a
sibling. As Donnie talks, Colette sort of
flashes back to Christmases at her home, back when she married
her first husband, not Sal Guy named Vinny.
And she flashes back to Christmas at their house, and
fresh under the tree, she hears the stomping of her son.
Coming down the stairs and excitedly opening a present and
he rips it open and she remembers her son Gaetano.
Look at her and go mom. You got it.
How did you? Know how did you know what I.
Wanted and she kneels down in front of him and goes sweetie.
I always know what you want. And then I flashback to the TV
room. Beautiful.
Well, happy holidays everybody. Happy.
Holidays. Yeah.
Woo. Miss Miss Time is here.
This holiday episode of Flail the Face features the adventure
Flails at Crimbo by Grant J Fleming Harkinstone in the
community with Thomas Gino, Stummy playing Dalton Walls and
Feldon, Tom Gambino playing Colette Salerno and Boggle,
Charles Paschke playing Donnie and Clark, and Kevin Welch as
the game master. Season 2 theme music is Boy
construct by out scroll theme music for The Gift is Stealing
Christmas by Rovidor, editing by Kevin Welch, episode are by Tom
Gambino and video editing by Dan Finney.
And on behalf of the cast and crew of Flail the face, we want
to thank all the listeners for sticking with us.
Without you, season 2 wouldn't be a thing.
So if you could do us a favor and like follow subscribe on
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, blue sky and YouTube and share
with all your friends so we get out there to more people.
That being said, thank you for listening and we'll catch you
guys next time. And this is where Kevin puts in
his little segue into the television show.
And. I imagine like Jingle Bell sound
effects in the background too. Just yeah, I've got all that
stuff going. Oh my gosh, say.
Ruby Yeah, we're going to massacre those children.
We're going to Chinese finger tap Krugal so hard.
What? What?
Oh, oh what? See, Mr. Gambino, one would be
that. Never mind.
We'll talk later. Often.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll draw you a picture later.
Oh EW, you know there's an option for a third spot if
you're into you're. Gonna make your air tight?
Wait, what's? The What do you mean third
you'll. Figure it out eventually.
Oh, oh, oh. No, that means I'm touching
somebody's balls, and that means a note that is a big note.
You know, it's like those perpetual motion machines.
Yeah. Now if only we can figure that
out, then we have endless power. Solve the energy crisis and be
millionaires. Maybe there's a reason why
you're single? Got to be a little adventurous
sometimes. I have never felt so
uncomfortable. What, after last year's
Christmas episode don't even start?
Yeah. All we're doing is playing
characters who who once had a thing with your made-up
characters Made-up. Character I just I I, I just had
AI just had an astral projection moment and I saw myself in the
moment and I was. Like, oh, I don't know.
But it's weird. But, but was your character
still married to that character? Yes.
I mean, we're still hanging out, so clearly we're all three cool.
Like we have a, we have an understanding, we're tunnel.
Buddies. I guess we're tunnel buddies.
Eskimo brothers, if you will. Yeah.
And now we'll cue back into the whole TV room.
Buy a flail from the Flail Deep. That's that's right, buy a flail
today for only 1995 and. Snow Buy your flails at
wholesale. Are we ready to do this right?
Let's butt chug this bitch. Yeah, straight up, the Heiner
Gator wine. Up the ass.
Gator Wine and. I believe so.
Ho ho ho. Booth, that Gator wine booth.
Thank you, Merry. Christmas.
My name is Bobby Boucher. You're not doing Gator wine.
Why am I writing booth that Gator wine?
No, I don't want it. No, you wrote it down.
That's contract. It's an option.
It's an option I.
Wormed. It into your brain, onto the
paper. Why do I do this to myself?
Power. Power Word Booth, OH.
Man, that is a Mork Borg spell, that's how.