Greeting scum and welcome to Flail of the Face.
My name is Kevin. I'm taking over the big boy
chair again. It's more like a high chair.
Yeah, the high chair. I get the little tray in front
of me so I can eat my my, my goldfish.
All right, who's here? Hello, I'm Levi.
I'm Thomas and I'm the lone survivor, well, other than Tommy
and I'll be playing Quill Knock. And I'm Jacob that that's about
all I got for you right now. Let's flail this shit.
Last we left, these fucking guys, they were in the middle of
trying to get the hell out of the Dusk Funnel.
Sasha was running around like a lunatic.
Sven and Quillnock and Tommy and Screech were partially trying to
chase her down, partially trying to get the hell out of there.
Got into a room and one by one got picked up and plucked away
by a devourer. Screech pulled out the the
trachea of Pulchroon Turdwad and called his old friend and.
Then he showed up and fucking annihilated.
Yeah, then shit got real on that one, Yeah.
Bad pun. Yeah, well, I know.
Shame not used to this we. Do on the show.
Yeah, Long story short, Spinned Dead Screech, Mia, Sasha Dead.
Tommy and Kwilnock had made it to the surface, and that's where
we'll find them. But before we go any further,
Tommy and Kwilnock get to get better.
Yeah, go up, go ahead and start getting better.
OK, So we'll do the we'll do the hit points first automatically
right off the bat, I will be going up AD 6, go up 3.
So I will have a total of 11. Oh, beefy boy.
My strength stays the same. Agility goes up to 0, presence
goes up to zero, and my toughness goes up to one.
There are. Some solid numbers there,
brother. And in my pockets I find an
unclean scroll. I mean we can't use scrolls, but
I mean you can have it. Oh yeah, that's right.
So as Tommy and Quelnock are standing outside, you'll notice
that it's starting to get lighter and lighter out, which
means it is a new day. Somebody rolled me a misery, not
me. I'll do it.
OK. And I think we're on D. 6. 6.
I think we rolled the D8. Last time, all right.
That's 6. Beautiful.
All right, so it's going to be D4 next time.
Glorious. And then somebody want to roll
the weather? That is a 2. 2 All right, so as
the sun is coming up, it is immediately shrouded in clouds
and it is starting to hammer rain down upon Tommy and
Quillnock as they're standing there basically washing off the
shit they were covered in thanks to Turdwod the the Fecula. 1 You
did there there. We needed, we needed this just
kind of like rinsing out my hair, getting literal crap
washed out. Tommy's going to kind of brush
the rest of the the shit and muck off of him as well.
And off in the distance you see what appears to be a large
wagon. Couple people in the front
coming up with looks like a couple of folks in the back and
a a large ox in tow behind. They look like they're probably
a good 100 yards off. Not paying any mind.
Looks like a a large lumber hauling wagon, but it's empty
right now. It's full of bodies.
The it's a large, it's a large lumber hauling wagon that is not
full of lumber, but as it turns out, full of bodies.
So about 100 yards out as Tommy and Quelock are getting cleaned
off. Well, like, what are you?
What are you thinking? Seeing this big wagon coming up
just kind of readies his water hammer at this point because I
don't know who these people are. I don't know what their tent is.
OK, Tommy's going to kind of be cleaning off the muck off of
Dieter the the powder pig as well, and try to pocket that
little stash of powder before anyone else notices.
And he'll he sees the the wagon come up and he'll kind of get
his tomahawk ready as well as he does Jake and Levi.
Go ahead and make me a presence test both of you to DR8.
OK, well fuck me. And that's a six.
Three. All right.
We're up to a great start. You guys are killing it as the
wagon gets closer. Tommy.
Oh, hey, you know what? Tommy will roll a presence test.
OK, I'm. Gonna say don't these guys
recognize me? So as I roll in 18, Tommy
notices in the back of this lumber wagon that he recognizes
both of you guys characters. Pull back those guys.
Those guys are part of the part of the Arch Ropes gang.
I wonder what the hell they're doing up here though.
Hopefully they're more survivable than your other
companions. I hope so too.
I I had a lot of faith in both those guys and that didn't quite
work out. Miss those guys.
I'm. Going to pull his wagon up right
next to these these two that I don't recognize.
Audi, you've seen any You've seen any strange fellows walking
around? They come from.
Where's that road again? God damn it.
Look, Phil, can you, can you remind me in my, my head start
to slip a little bit again. It's my stench of those boxes
getting to me. This is why we always cover them
with the tarp so the stench doesn't leak through.
You want to get rained on or have the fucking tarp on bodies
you know? The rain cleanses my armor.
OK, looks fucking stolen, might want to cover up that.
I don't know what you're talking about.
All right, well anyways, you 2 little clowns, you smell like
shit. Smell like wet shit.
Tommy pulls his his cloak back. Oh fuck, it's Tommy.
Jason. Tommy, good lad.
So you know these guys. I, I, I, I do know these guys.
There a reason you're covered in shit?
It's it's a complex back story. What?
Did I tell you about your hygiene?
Yeah, and I know it's still early.
All right. Levi, Jake, introduce your
characters. Oh God.
All right. My name is Sip loss SIPHYLAUS.
I'm a corpse plunderer. I am a creepy looking old dirty
pox ridden motherfucker. Surprisingly though, I'm pretty
resilient to diseases and and infections.
But I've only got one health and I have a pet crow named Ted
Buddy. Ted.
Yeah, I am. I am the grossest, looking like
cemetery caretaker the Wiggins for transporting goods for the
Arch Rogue. I use the bodies to cover up
smuggled goods. Nobody likes to check a wagon
full of bodies, you know. Perfect.
I am playing Phil. Phil is a fugitive night.
He's stubborn, he's controlling, he's surprisingly clean.
And he's not a coward. He's not afraid to show.
Fantastic. Well, my bird shits on me
whenever it gets a chance. You like the?
Brown Wizards. Phil Syphilis, what are you 2
doing out here? Oh, you know, just moving
product for the art trogue, but he did have some sort of message
pass on to you. He wants you to hide, hightail
it back right quick and he seems he seems to think that you
failed again. So I don't know what I mean tell
you. You were never good at keeping
it in line. No, my experience.
He's got tracks. That tracks if I if I remember
correctly. Maybe I'm just fucking this up,
but I think he gave me a letter to give to you so you can
understand what the next move is in this this complex story we
got rolling here. All right, well hand me the
letter. OK, let me just dig through my
pockets here. Hold on.
I'm going to pull out my cat of nine tails, a broken wine
bottle, some toilet paper, a bottle of something, all of my
coins, and then the letter. OK.
There you go, and. That ball of toilet paper is
just melting away. Right on the bottom, always on
the ball. Ask me.
So the note says, Dear Zyzek, Plague SOP Arch rogue of
Schleswig's Underground, you're receiving this letter to inform
you that your great Aunt Yodna and great Uncle Craig Allen are
dead and being as you're the only surviving family, you have
inherited their home and dead in the settlement of Iker Thorne.
We request that you either make the trip from Schleswig yourself
or send someone on your behalf to take care of the finer
details when you arrive in town on the outskirts of Sarkash.
Find me Proxec and I will fill you in condolences for your loss
Roxette. So you mean to tell me that he's
sending you 2 up here to tell me to go back and talk to him and
then to go up to Sarkash? Yeah, I mean, Tommy, you've
always been low on the totem pole.
He just likes to fuck with you. Well, I know, I guess the family
and all. Salty business about the dying
or whatever, but that. OK, well then I guess, I guess
I'll go talk to the Arch Rogue and.
I mean, if you need someone to go to SAR Cash, it'd be a favor
for you. Digging me out of that pit.
I can go on your behalf. You know, look at that.
He's just willing to help. Look at that, you know.
No, he's no, he's a, he's a good fucking dude.
I like to consider it proactive. Proactive.
Yeah, no, you guys may have to make a pit stop back here and
take out some big fucking dude. OK, well, hey, I'm going to go
back to Schleswig and go talk to the arch rogue and I think I
need some fucking time off. I may I may go visit my cousin
crater out in grip at his copy bar farm.
I think I need some fucking time off, Quelnock.
It's been a fucking pleasure. You're a good dude.
I'll take any shit it. That's sure.
OK, cool. Fuck me.
Right? All right, Uncle Raz, let's
fucking go. That's how I got these pox.
And Tommy's going to make the long trek back to Schleswig did.
We just get, did he just give us some?
He didn't even offer any money for us to do this, Phil.
I don't know what you're doing, I'm just here for the ride.
Well. Looks like you guys got Duke.
Make some room on that cart. Now climb up and I put like a
shit covered handprint on the armor.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I pull out a.
Really. Crunchy blanket and I start
wiping it off. Oh God, why is it crunchy?
Why is it crunchy? Oh God he's giving himself pox
blanket it needs. To be rough to.
Polish. It good got to keep polishing to
be. Abrasive, you know.
You'll notice that the two people up in the front, there's
one that's holding the reins and the other one that's kind of
holding like a Lantern up trying to shield it from the elements.
Kind of look back to all three of you guys, shake their head,
hit the reins and then start heading north.
OK, where the fuck? Why are Who's driving my fucking
wagon right now? It's being pulled behind.
With my ox. Yeah.
I must be doing well with the Arch Rogue.
You must be. Apparently there's such a thing
as favorites, and you're one of them.
I'm now understanding what my position is as a syphilis in the
Arch Rogue's Flinchpin. What are we, a mob?
Are you as bed warmer or? Oh, I'm like the right hand man,
obviously. He's the bed man.
Oh. My.
God, he's, he's the right hand man for terrorism.
Can never have anything good. All right, so after going for
about an hour or so, the the guy holding the the Lantern looks
back and says, hey, we know a shortcut to get past the galgum
back so we don't have to pay the tariffs going through town.
It's going to be a little quicker than it usually is.
Somebody give me AD four, All right.
So it's going to be about four days, which is actually very,
very quick to get from where you're at to where you're going.
So one of the first things I'm definitely doing during this day
is like looking at these two again.
Like I have rune stones for eyes.
I'm just looking at these two and it's like, so how'd you 2
meet? You guys been together long?
Oh, we go back. What would?
You say about 15 years. Oh, you could say that.
Around here, about 15 years, we've been working together.
So common law bro. Hubs got it.
Yes, yes. What's?
That term. Used there.
We're we're boyfriends. We're boys who are friends, yes.
We've been best man friends ever since.
Oh, you remember, He says. Best man friends, I say.
We're boyfriends. So I agree, we're both lab
friends. Yeah.
Yeah, like lab bugs. Yeah, butt buddies, you could
say we keep each other warm. Especially or not because it
gets cold on the road and. I got this cold cold steel.
It's like a nut to butt thing. But, you know, you just don't
get exciting. That's why I have the crunchy
blanket you. Two, you 2 are adorable.
Right, cool. I don't know what's that?
What's that term used? Again, adorable.
Wait, what's that? Yeah, don't, don't worry about
it. That's fine.
Hold on, my fucking pox are acting up and I'm going to.
Climb to the rear and go pop a pox off the back end of the
wagon. Oh.
He does this daily. He does.
It's good for the He opens up the Porsche.
Oh God, it gets all of a stench up.
Oh, it smells. Too keeps the barn and suck the
trail. So bad.
Oh. My God.
All right, Jake, go ahead and roll me an agility test to stay
on there since the rain is still hammering down and you're on the
very edge of it and your ox is like being tote.
Oh, no. Oh.
No, Jesus. Gravity.
Wow, how do almonds work again? I can re roll that right?
Yeah, yeah. Yes, you can.
Oh, sweet boy, sweet baby boy. No.
Yes, the emotions. The emotions.
Oh, man. Wow.
Well, Agile, look at him. Yeah, so.
For a second I thought he was going to lose it.
Hit a big rock on the road, you see it look like you're cartoon
kicking your legs around and you end up superhero landing and
then pop another pock or whatever you're doing.
Yeah, the propulsion of my pock's popping, drifting me back
up into the back of the wagon. God, that's terrible.
It's it's impressive though. Pretty.
Hey, you're going to fucking love it when we get sworn by
like a crowd when after they catch off the heap, it's healing
from blacksmiths again. Just you're saying beautiful.
I didn't understand any of that but.
What was that term used? Adorable.
Yeah, I take that back. Somebody rolled me AD 6 as you
guys are traveling. That is a six.
OK. Oh, that's fabulous.
As you guys are going heading north, you do see that there is
a wagon off to the side. Looks like the wheel came off
and there's a there's a small frail looking man trying to
finagle it back onto the the axle.
Be careful, this is a trap. This is how I got caught by the
colt. Oh, don't you worry, we got it.
It'd be very easy for us to put that up there.
When they take like your eyes or some other appendage just.
Remember Honor. I've warned you.
Just remember, I've warned you. It'll be OK.
All right. Once per day I can see through
the eyes of Ted Buddy. OK, I'm going to.
And he can also understand me, apparently.
So I'm going to whistle for Ted Buddy to come perch on me after
he's done taking a shit again and.
Hey, drop foot on your shoulder. I need you to go check out,
check out that wig and see if if it's really just a frail man
because we, we, we can use some wheels for our wig.
And so maybe we just check it out.
Oh, like the Oregon Trail? Yes.
Yeah, we rob them, drop them by. We got to get all the bear.
Ted Boddy loves eyeballs. You pack them out right over
there. Send the.
Gunpowder, yes. See you later.
And then flaps off. Go ahead and roll a present test
for Old Ted, Buddy. It's a 16.
Give me. You see that there is just the
man right next to the wagon trying to finagle it.
And you notice that there's three other people kind of out
in the in the Bush as well. They can't really tell what
they're doing exactly. Maybe they're foraging, maybe
they're hiding, maybe they're not exactly sure what's going
on. But there there is a total of
four people that are part of this little wagon is.
There any shiny armor I'm. Going to say no, I'm not.
I'm going to say no. Looks like just people in, you
know, normal kind of tattered kind of torn clothing Well.
Everybody says pull, not push it right pull.
Out. Yeah.
Who's? That's, that's that's gross.
Yeah. He likes murders.
Like say hey, no. And he and he talked to you.
Yeah, you hear in power over there, he talking about how,
yeah, there's some fucking oh, three of them.
There's three in the in the bushes over there.
So I don't know, but you pull not but feeling that we we just
like taking things on a road with you on a road.
Everybody's freaking, you know what I'm saying?
Especially his apple. I mean, it's very likely that's
how I got caught by a Colt. So if they're going to ambush
us, let's take them out first. Levi, go enroll me at D20.
It's a 14. Give me cab. 14 gives not
necessarily you, but out of nowhere you hear the twang of an
arrow and it ends up hitting the guy holding the Lantern right
through the head and he drops and slumps over.
Shit, somebody. Somebody beating us too.
Beautiful and roll initiative fuck.
Three shouldn't have been me, should not have been me.
All right, so the guy that was messing with the wheel ends up
pulling a rope from across the road and ends up tangling up the
feet of the horse that's pulling the wagon.
So you guys are stopped. The three other people start to
approach, two of them with the swords in hand and one with a
bow and arrow drawn and ready. They're not doing anything just
yet, but they are drawn and ready.
This is where we get in there, boys.
And I I draw this giant scythe off my back and I dive off the
the cart on one of the guys. I'm gonna I'm.
Trying to tell Ted buddy to go for the guy with the ball.
Heck, his eyes out. OK.
And also hide in the back of the wagon under some.
Corpses. Perfect.
Who's going first? Then?
I will. Are you attacking?
Are you talking? What are you?
Doing diving off the cart and attacking.
Scythe ready? Scythe ready?
Yeah, gonna have some. 14. Cool set is a hit.
You report your soul. They didn't do anything yet.
Three damage. And this was the to the one with
the bow or one of the swords. One of the swords.
All right, you said three damage.
Yes. All right, so you take your your
sight and you tell me how you hit him.
He's still alive, but tell me how you hit him.
I lop off one of his arms. It cuts through with like
butter. Give too much power.
It's very sharp. Yeah.
He's still alive, but he's maimed.
OK roll me AD 2 to see if it is the sword hand or the other.
One is sword, 2 is other. One is sword.
Sword drops to the ground. Because I meant to take off.
Well, it was definitely his arm, not his penis.
Quilt, now seeing this, is going to follow suit and like, jump
off. Yes, join the party.
Swing his warhammer at the the same individual.
Oh, adorable, look at that thing.
Please attack. That is a 12.
A12 wheel hit. For an additional 3 down lodge.
All right, this guy is looking bloodied, but he's still up.
So it's basically like I dropped down to the ground and then do
like an underhand swing and just like right up into his gut.
Solid thud right to the stomach, starts pissing blood and he's
got the wind knocked out of him as well.
I'm going to hate saying this every fucking time.
Syphilis. Yeah.
What are you doing? Well, as as syphilis has turned,
I'd like to creep down under deep end within these these
bodies and get real tight life and hot and then and then Ted
buddy can kill off the rest out there.
OK. Do I got to roll something to
hide? No.
OK then I just hide and Ted buddy is going to he's going to
roll 3 so he's probably not going to do shit.
Nope. Ted Buddy's going to swoop in on
Bow Boy on the one with the bow and doesn't make any purchase on
him, but he kind of distracts him just a little bit with that.
It's initiative time. That's a one.
All right, so Bo Guy is going to fire one off at Old Ted Buddy
there? No.
So go ahead and defend for Old Ted Buddy.
And do you have any hit points for a Ted Buddy?
I do. How many?
Six. He has more hit points than you
6. Times out of his owner.
Oh my fuck. Jake's going to be playing Ted
Buddy here. I actually, yeah, that might be
true. Like a Ted on the He's alive.
All righty, the guy with the bow just fires off an arrow and it
just goes wildly into the air. The guy that had his hand lopped
off and hit in the stomach is not looking too good, but he
will pick up his sword with his other hand and try to swing at
Phil with this sword. So go ahead and make a defense
role. That's a nine.
All right, that is going to be a hit.
That is going to be a short sword.
So D4. Two damage minus 2 -, 6 OK, I'm
good. He goes to swings that he's not,
he's not very confident in what he's doing.
So he he swings that and just glances off of that shiny
Christine glorious armor of yours.
Oh, it must be your first time and I take my crunchy blanket
and I wipe off the. Smooth his sword.
Oh God. And then there's the third guy
with the sword and he's going to be going for looks like Quill
Knock. He's going to swing at you.
But that is a 10 so it hits me. Okay.
Or D4 so 4 damage -1 so I'm still doing fine.
Yeah. It manages to slide through a
gap in my armor and Pierce into basically the meat of my arm,
and that just like I snarl with rage at that. .0 you got to do
what I do. I put my chest into everything I
do. Yeah, well, I wouldn't have had
to worry about it, but you didn't kill this other guy
first. Well, I haven't had a chance to
hit him again. Well, why don't you do that?
I will. And the fourth guy is the fourth
guy with the knife. He is going to there's four yes,
this is the old guy that had the that was trying to finagle the
the wheel on. He is going to throw his knife
at Ted buddy. Where's where's our?
There was two guys on the on the bench right driving us 3.
Where's our other guy? The one got shot in the head.
Yes, the other one's just sitting up there.
He's not wanting to be a fuck yeah.
He's. Roll defense for old Ted buddy
Knife being whipped right at him.
God damn it, 18. Feet.
Oh no. This knife, it's D4.
I hate you. Plus special.
Fuck. I'm going to lose the only good
thing I have right away. What's special?
It's a poison tip knife. You ass, I hate you.
I get that have old Ted buddy make a toughness test or become
infected DR10 he is that's. Four damage and an infection.
Can't you re summon him? No.
It's sad. It's just the fucking.
Crow. You have an ox at least.
He doesn't have stats, he can't do shit.
Hey, it's your guys turn. Sensing that Ted Buddy's about
to go go down, I'm going to leap out of these bodies and Chuck my
broken wine bottle at the guy that threw the knife.
OK, make your attack roll. Actually it would be presents
for a throne weapon. Good, that's a 0.
Fuck. I got a four.
OK, so your wine bottle just goes off into the field?
All right, here comes Ted buddy. He's going to catch that wine
bottle and throw it back. Oh.
No, no, Ted buddy fucked up too. Oh, OK, so what'd Ted Buddy do?
He went to go catch the bottle and because he's been had a
knife thrown into one of his eye holes, he can't.
There's no depth perception. No birds were harmed in the
making of this episode. OK, who's next?
I'm going to reload back my sight and follow through again.
OK, that's a 15. That'll touch.
Tell me about it. Good, I just cut him in half and
his body falls. Apart, just bisected.
Just like horizontally, vertically.
Horizontally. I had a boy just.
Straight through the middle. And the both sides just drop.
And Quill knock will turn to the guy that just hit him and you
know what? I'm going to omen that to reduce
the Dr. by. 4:00 to. Give me a 13.
That will touch. For four damage to him.
Nice. That is a that's a healthy
touch. Basically I like turned like
after he stabbed me and I just swung back around and came down
and hit him like right on the collarbone and just hear that
cracking snap as it just kind of snaps.
OK. And as you hit in the
collarbone, that arm just kind of drops limp and just kind of
dangles there with that. It is initiative.
It's. It's.
Damn, why we suck so bad. We're just not good sometimes.
The old man that had the knife that chucked it at old Ted buddy
there is actually going to dive underneath the wagon.
And hi, because he's an old man, he has no weapons, so he's going
to dip out. The one with the bow is going
four. I have AD 41's going to be Quill
Knock. 2 is going to be Phil, 3 is going to be syphilis.
I hate that. And 4 is going to be Ted, all
right, and he's launching an arrow at Phil.
Bring it on. OK, what damage do I roll?
D6. Four damage.
OK. I take one point of demo.
Ouch. And that arrow just sinks right
between where your your chest plate meets your shoulder
pauldron area and kind of sticks right in there on your left arm.
And I just break the arrow shaft with my sight.
God, you're so beautifully and manly.
I love it. All right.
And the third guy with the sword is going to go for Quill Knock.
He's going to swing at you one that you had already attacked.
Yeah, no, he still hits. OK.
Or 3 - 5 So he's kind of like wildly swinging since now he has
a broken collarbone and so it just kind of like deflects off
of the the breastplate. Perfect.
You guys are like action heroes. Much action and it is your
guys''s turn. Quill Knox going to return the
favor. That's a 13 to hit.
That'll hit another 5 damage. Tell me about it.
So after deflecting that slash from this guy, just kind of like
raises the hammer up and just brings it down and it's just
crushes the skull like down into like his collarbone, just
snapping his neck and it just kind of like splits out from
there. Very good, very good, beautiful,
good. Follow through.
All right. It's all about the momentum.
Oh yes. Who's next?
I will swing my sight on the the one.
How far is the Archer boy? He's probably he's You can get
him in this turn. You can reach him this turn.
I would like to slice them. OK, run and slice.
Who that is in 20? Oh please, that is delicious.
That is 8 damage. Tell me all about it.
I run and then I kind of just jump up and like take a little
step off the ox and come down with like a quick Z shape site
thing motion. OK.
Then everything just kind of splits apart.
Beautiful Jake. There's one guy left and he's
underneath the wagon. What would you like to do?
I'm pissed. I hit the button that opens up
the bottom. It's a dart rogue smuggling
wagon. So we got secret trap doors and
shit. I'm going to drop a bunch of
dead bodies of myself down there and murder this man.
You're. Going to jump mass of people on.
Him. He's under his wagon, not yours.
Oh fuck. I hit that button anyways.
And you just dump a load of. Corpses.
Yeah, and then I'm going to squirm.
I spend time in graveyards plundering bodies all the time.
I know how to move a dead body around.
It's all good. I'm going to swim through all
these bodies under my wagon and sneak up on them and their
wagon. Sneak up on them.
Yeah, I'm creepy little old syphilis ridden fuck.
OK, Go, I guess, make an agility test for being stealthy, yeah.
Yeah. OK, that's fine.
I have a -, 3 or 2, so I got a 5.
OK, bodies drop. You're swimming through bodies.
Easier when I was younger. And he sees you and he kind of
steps out, hands up. Hey, we were just just looking
to to just to get some cash, fuck up my bird.
I'm. Brashing my cat and 9 tails at
him but I'm still fucking surrounded by bodies.
Hey, hey, hey, I'll, I'll just, I'll just go.
I'm going to fucking pick your eyes out.
No, no, I, I give, I give you. Better give.
Wasn't, wasn't my idea was. I was just here to think, wow,
that's terrible. You got any medicine on you?
No, but I think I want to take a break.
Fuck you. Ninja Board It's an RPG about
ninjas. Ninja Board, Get pumped, go
berserk, take your boss or teacher in the face.
Ninja Borg Fight bears, demons and Mecca Hitler.
Ninja Borg Team up with luchadors, T Rexes and John
Cena. Generators for ninja names and
backstories and one liners. Weapons and swag and magic.
Secret ninja missions and way the fuck more.
Tons of enemies, bosses and allies.
A5 act Epic introductory mission.
So many freaking tables that your cat will be all like meow.
Ninja Borg now with way too many exclamation marks.
If you don't back this shit on Kickstarter then you're a stupid
crybaby Pirate ninja Borg. Welcome back to play on the
face. These guys were on their way to
SAR cash and they got ambushed and they made quick work of most
of these guys old Ted buddy is is not doing too good, but
everyone else seems to be doing OK One guy left kind of cowering
over by their busted ass wagon. What do you guys want to do?
I'm going to. Fucking tie him up.
Don't worry, don't worry, I will take care of it.
All right, I got to suck the venom out of.
No, no, no. Make him do it.
Hey, you know, suck a bird.
Suck his. Bird.
Wait, what? You did this.
Get buddy, don't look so good. Put your mouth on his bird.
Suck a beak. Get the poison out.
But no, do it, no. Do it or you die.
Hold on, hold on. Let's think about this first.
All right, I'm. Going to hold my sight to his
neck. You knew that.
I'm going to go on. And I'm going to rub my you.
Got to hold his bird. You got to hold him.
No, can't, buddy. OK, hold on.
Just. Just you got to make sure you
don't bite. No.
I can't suck. I suck his bird.
I don't want to suck the bird. Suck the bird.
I'm not sucking the bird. We're.
Just going to have to kill him. I'm going to give him a little
slice, just a little, just a little taste of the site on the
neck. Just a little.
Like a paper cut.
OK, and then I'm a pull it tighter until he sucks the bird
sucks the poison. As as blood's trickling down the
back of his neck or whatever, and he sees the bird in front of
him being held by by syphilis, he takes his hands.
Oh no. No, you don't touch the bird.
He takes his hands reaching for the bird but swings him back to
grab the sight and pulls it into the back of his neck.
Roll me damage. OK.
This thing's sharp too, huh, As you hone it like butter?
I hone it every noon. Every.
Jesus. Too damage.
OK, so you're not? Quite through, OK.
It cuts into the back of his neck and it lodges itself right
into the vertebrae. It's stuck and you see that as
it hits. Everything goes limp from the
head down. Perfect like that.
Good. New hood argument.
Just fucking kill me. I'm not sucking the bird.
I don't even know these guys. I'm not sucking the bird.
I can't move anything. But your lips work perfectly
fine you. Know what just.
Leave him there. Let's go, Let's go and nag
syphilis. Is going to hobble over to a
couple of bodies and start digging through them, but I
really want to check out their wagon.
OK, I think it's. A good time to scrounge the
battlefield I'm. Going to hold Ted Bundy since
this guy can't move and put him to this guy's lips.
OK, cool. Knock.
What are you doing? Initially just standing in like
completely bewildered by the behavior of these two savages,
it's. It's why do you think we
wouldn't get the powder? It keeps us sane.
We're that's that's why time we wouldn't get the powder.
Did you actually? He never said he came back
Powder. Yeah, he he took it back to the
Arch run. Oh, good, good.
No suck, I know. You don't paralyzed and failed.
Just leave him beep. His hips worked.
Perfectly fine. And I put the bird to his mouth.
Jesus. Christ.
I'm. Going to like start gently
squeezing and milking the bird to try and get the.
Boys, Oh my God, it's OK. My poor bird.
Jaco, enroll me AD 4. Yeah, I yeah, the sport birds
past, that's a three. Three fantastic and then roll me
AD 10. Why is that?
Why? That's a one what's?
A1 get me. You find there's really not much
in this cart. It looks like just a bunch of
femurs, like they're using them as clubs.
If they're really not much in there, they it looks like they
were trying to come up on something and very.
Fucking shit here. Fuck.
Can I roll to see if he sucked up the poison?
You sure can. I want you to roll a strength
check. I'm a strong boy.
OK, Bird. 'S gonna end up inside.
What does a Dirty Truck Stop 20 give me?
The bird is in his mouth. OK, now.
Ted Bug. He's claustrophobic.
OK, it's OK. So as the bird is, as the bird
is in the mouth of this paralyzed man, Ted Buddy is
starting to Peck at the guy's eye, trying to get out of his
mouth because he doesn't want to be there.
He knows he's not feeling good. He's got a tummy.
I know buddy. And this guy is just, oh, he
can't fucking move. He can't do nothing.
He's just he, he's just screaming into the cavity or
into the body of Ted Buddy. This is brutal.
He's. Inhaling.
Is he sucking the poison? No, you rolled terribly.
This is not rolling the way you want it to.
I rolled good. Yes, he is inadvertently sucking
whatever residual poison that was on the surface of Ted
Buddy's Corvin body. Bill, I'm going to have.
To ask you to. Let go of my my burden.
Now, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem.
Yeah, yeah. This fucking killed me already,
please. Is there a way we can shut him
up without this? People Oh yeah yeah yeah and I
just. Pulled the cipher.
And cleaned through head drops, body drops.
This has been the most embarrassing I.
Don't know if it's embarrassing, no one lived to see it.
You're right, except for we just.
Add them to the to the corpses that you dumped on the ground.
We got to load them all back in the cart.
No, it's more like ballast. We're not transporting the goose
anymore. We got something else.
What do you mean we get a silver per body?
That's the rules. All right, all right.
We're cleaning up the streets here.
OK. All right.
Help me load them back up. We'll just run the ox over.
A little bit and we'll spend like 10 minutes loading up the
bodies I drop. It's gonna be a little bit more
than 10 minutes to load up the bodies, but it's going to be a
good portion of the afternoon. And the guy that's holding the
reins is still holding the reins, staring at his partner
that was holding the Lantern just like it.
The guys just slumped over with the arrow like dead center
forehead and he's just staring at him like.
I mean, let me take care of him for you.
Just close your eyes. And I grab him and I throw him
in the back. Sits there and close his eyes.
Don't worry. You guys clean up bodies, throw
him back in the thing, and the guy holding the reins kind of
looks back at you guys and shrugs.
It's the rains and starts heading up.
By this time you're probably looking at late afternoon.
It's still pounding rain the whole fucking time and the
trails were all muddy, kind of slipping and sliding with all
that weight on the ass end of that wagon.
Your ox in the back is still trudging through.
He's getting slowed down a little bit because it's a little
hard to get through, but he's being pulled along and
eventually it gets to be nightfall.
It starts getting dark out. You need to start hearing all
the wildlife kind of stirring around it.
Might be time to set up a camp, yeah.
Too bad I'm thankfully unprepared for this whole trip.
I'm going to pull a smaller dead body over the top of me like a
blanket. Perfect.
I'm going to find the tarp that they had earlier.
Yeah, it just covers the dead bodies.
And as you pull up the tarp, you notice that the guy that was
holding Lantern with the the arrow sticking out is staring
straight at you underneath the tarp like eyes wide open.
Great. Too bad you didn't see that
coming. And just like pull the tarp.
He rolls off. You'll crawl under the under the
cart and then kind of take my crunchy blanket and just kind of
uncrinkle it and try to make it flat like a board.
OK, and I'm gonna lay on top of that.
Perfect. And then the guy right there
driving the cart is going to feed the animals, hide off onto
the side somewhere and eat and fall asleep next morning.
Somebody roll me AD 4 for the misery.
Oh boy, that's a three. God, All right, so it's D2
tomorrow. Oh, this is going to be so much
fun. OK, somebody roll me the Weather
D12. I'll do weather guy that's 6.
Throughout the night the the rain seems to just kind of slow
down and stop and as you guys wake up in the morning, it is
just dead quiet. There is nothing to be heard, no
wildlife, no anything. It is just silent.
Sounds like a graveyard. Am I back home?
I can hear my pus leaking. Yeah, that's what that sound
was. How's.
How's your little buddy? Not good and Ted Buddy's just
going to hang out like underneath my collar, behind my
neck where he has the most poop built up.
Perfect. I'm going to push the body off
of me and crawl out the back of the way getting stretched my pus
covered body and look around. All right, everybody, if whoever
has all their omens used up, we roll those normal morning
routine. I I I'm out from under the tarp
and place it back over the pile of bodies.
You know, for a pile of gold dead bodies, they kind of keep
you warm. Yeah.
I'm off pissing into the bushes. Yeah, trick is to keep them
insulated at night, getting there nice and early, right when
the sun's about to drop. It's warm.
I can't. No, no, that's, that's just too
far. We'll knock, you'll learn,
you'll get. It you'll notice that the coach
driver is checking the harness for the the horse and the wagon
make sure everything is good checks on old syphilis ox and
make sure everything is good there and then he gets back up
there looks at you guys, shrugs again.
Come on. We can't be waiting whips the
rains and then you guys head off.
Like I said, it is the roads are still muddy.
Like I said, it was dumping down all day.
Little harder to get through, but you can see off the side the
the city walls of Gal Gambeck off to the West.
You guys are far enough the way that you don't have to go
through the city proper. That way you avoid having to pay
any of the taxes and tariffs to get through.
And somebody roll me AD 62 as you guys are going, the roads
are a little harder to get through because of all the mud,
but you make it past Galgebeck proper, leaving the city walls
behind and pretty calm, mellow day.
Nothing happens. What a good day for riding.
Yep, corpses are starting to stank a little bit.
The body's jostling, all the friction of Crete and heat.
It's starting to bring up a bunch of the the scent, the
funk, the the the rotting from the the pile.
Syphilis is going to light. A couple of incense burners on
the sides of the wagon do. You have that in your inventory.
From the wagon. OK, shaky boy, you are.
Yeah. There's really nothing that
happens throughout the day. So you guys, you make it
throughout the day, light up, light down, and pretty easy,
pretty easy traveling. Can I do some corpse checks in?
Our on these our pile. Here.
Yes, roll me AD 6. You guys don't do that when you
initially put them on. We get distracted from time to
time. You got to have something to do
on lawn checks. Yeah, technically half these
bodies are going the same place, so that's why I didn't really
pitch about taking this job too. One with with the piles and
varying levels of decay and stuff.
There's really only one that's like kind of hole that has any
sort of thing. So go ahead and roll AD 66 and
see what we get. What you got there Field that
looks like a real winner. 62. You find 62 silver tucked away
under a fast that roll underneath the armpit on one of
these guys like you've been hiding this from everybody and
everything. See that cool knock?
You don't hide it anywhere. Oh yeah, we're just showing you
the ropes. Wait till you get to the prison
pockets. Oh geez, that's.
The best part? All right, the guy piloting the
carriage pulls off to the side as the sun goes down and once
again tends to the the animals, curls up and goes back to sleep,
not saying a word this whole time.
Hector knows his place. Yeah, well, ever since he topped
back to our trophy, he lost his tongue.
He makes a little bit of sense. Hey, you know, don't want to
talk anymore. As Syphilis says that, the guy
turns around, opens his mouth, and sure as shit his tongue has
been mutilated and cut out from so far back that it's just an
open maw. See.
That will knock. Jeez.
Brutal. Hector used to be a singer.
The the best songs he could sing, he could still hum a
jaunty tune. How about you, you know, hummed
out that humdinger that she used to do all the time back when you
had a tongue. This is my favorite part.
Copyright and Night falls. What are you guys doing?
What? Maybe scavenge for some wood and
fucking have a little fire. Yeah, we'll share camp stories.
I want to know more about clone. Dragon Stories?
Oh, it's a complex back story. Two days on the road, you ain't
going to share a goddamn thing. Like all I know is you got
bejeweled eyeballs. Right.
Well. And something about a ship bus.
It was weird. Made no.
Sense you were kidnapped. Yeah, we were.
I was kidnapped by a cult and I was detained for seven months
and seven days and they did this to my eyes.
Oh my. It's very impressive.
Oh my. Oh.
Yeah, and you? Can see what I'm doing right now
and like behind my hand I'm just like.
No, I can't see through things. I can see in the dark.
I don't see through I. Can see in the dark too.
Look at this fire. It's roaring beautiful.
Syphilis is staring at a tree while talking to you guys I
can't see. Shit, now yeah, that got fucking
bad eyes. It's the pus when it rolls down
your forehead. Well, what about you?
Where? Where did you pick up this pox
from Some lady of the night? Or, I mean, it was lady, it was
that night. But that's about as far as
Syphilis wants to talk about. Yeah, we're probably safer even
at that I. Got very early on, you know it
this business being in the family for millennia or whatever
that term might be something about adorable right now well.
What about you, Shiny? Oh, what do you mean?
What's your deal? I am who I am.
That's all you need to know. Obviously you're just going to
like, probe me for information, but I got to be Mr. Mysterious
now. Well see, here's stink.
Well, like I I don't feel for damn near 15 years I had never
seen his face. I've never.
You never take a helmet off. Never.
I don't know why it doesn't. Knights never take their helmet
off. Bullshit.
If I take this off, I will die. That's what they told me.
So that's his complex black story.
I don't know. Just like the Mandalorian just
can't take it out. I don't know what that term
means. I don't know what that is.
Good, good. You see Hector off to the side,
just mouth. This is the way he knows.
All right? So night falls and you guys
crash out and nothing happens. Pretty peaceful, pretty calm,
pretty chill, but sunrise. New day.
Somebody flipped me AD. 2GO to that D2 there.
That's a 2. Oh my Lanta.
Oh, shit. All right, so tomorrow is a
guaranteed misery. No, I don't make the rules
change them, but I OK we don't. Want to We do that all the time.
We just continue with the D2 until it becomes A until it
rolls A1. I'm in, all right.
Somebody rolled me AD 12 for the weather.
I'll be a weatherman again. You'd be a weatherman.
That's five. OK, so as you guys wake up, you
notice that you feel like you should be awake, but it's still
dark out. Like, real dark.
Like insanely dark. It shouldn't be this dark.
It's black as night. Phil, I think, my eyes crossing
over again. Will you pee?
I'm open. I can't see nothing.
Your eyes are open. Oh.
Fuck. Wide open.
God damn it, this is not beneficial to me because I have
gravesite which means I have +2 to all fucking low light and
darkness. I can see a darkness.
What do I see? Go ahead and roll me AD 6. 3.
For as dark as it is, it's so dark that there's really nothing
moving. Nothing's crawling, nothing's
going on. You do see Hector in the front,
holding the reins, kind of waiting.
He just doesn't know what to do. He can't see.
So. Will you guide him, Rudolph,
with your nose so bright? Well, neck with your eyes so
bright. All right, I, I'll take over
here. And I go and sit up next to him.
You ever drive one of these bad boys before?
No, but I saw an actor do it once.
The OK that was. Such a good pool.
Hell yeah And just. Cha.
And you guys head off, leaving the the gates or the city walls
of Gal Gumbeck in your in your wake and just travel along the
the roads are still muddy, it's still slope and it's dark as
shit. I don't know if syphilis ever
got his eyes open. No, I'm just anxiously like
plucking at my pus pockets because I don't like being in
the dark like. This OK?
It's another darkness filled boring travel day.
I guess that would be it guys. Travel for 12 hours.
In the darkness. In the dark and by this time you
guys are getting kind of tired you don't know how long you've
been on the road yet there's no way to tell time but feel like
you the wagon rides really beat you up a bit with all the mud
and large rocks and boulders have washed them from the the
sides of the road into the road. So you guys have been pretty
well beaten on the road and Hector taps full knock on the
shoulder and he does this. I mean, he doesn't know if you
can see or not, but. Yeah, I I see that.
I think let's see how that went. God it's been so long since I
saw the amazing turd want perform so.
What are you doing up there? Wow, I'm.
Just like pull back. Now right as you pull back, the
horse pulls back and kicks its hooves in the air and then lands
and then snorts and shoves its head and stops real turkeys real
abruptly. I'm I'm still learning here.
I got I just got my permit. So good.
Good. Yeah, careful.
These ain't, these ain't air brakes.
You don't have to yell at them. So I I think, I think our driver
wants to stop for the night. How can you tell he didn't say
nothing? That didn't never mind.
You didn't see what he never never mind.
We're just stopping for now. OK, somebody will want to grab
my hand, guide me down to I got I got pissed.
I don't want to touch you. Or I never touch him.
That's the one rule. No touching.
Oh what the fuck. OK, but.
But I thought you two were never mind.
Yeah, we're boys. Yeah.
And we're. Friends.
And we're boys and we're boys. We're boyfriends, yeah.
Get them right. What's?
Wrong with that. Come on, you're.
Going to have friends that are boys.
You've got boyfriends. All my friends have died, so
thanks for bringing that up. You have a sad existence though,
that's for sure. Yeah, you ain't.
You ain't around there, Phil. I can't see shit.
So I'm just going to, I'm just going to find me a corner in the
back of the wait and hear him let it RIP.
You notice Hector awkwardly get off of the wagon as you say all
your friends are dead, and tries to feel his way to the front of
the horse so he could feed it and make sure it's OK, and he
curls up and shakes his head like what he's got himself into.
I hear slight movements. I don't know what that means.
Don't. Don't push the wagon forward,
because otherwise your driver's going to die.
Oh yeah, we can't do that. No, no.
Somebody want to ask Hector why we stop?
I'm going to fucking stumble. My, I'm trying to get to Hector.
Hector, where you at? Come over here, get over here
and tell me where we're going. He's going to bed.
What do? You mean going to bed?
He's tired. He's been fucking time.
Is it? He's been driving the whole day.
OK, OK. I'm just going to lay in the
mud. I can't see shit.
I'm going to lay here. I'm tired.
I'm angry. We'll pick this up tomorrow.
My pus hurts. Next.
Fuck it, somebody rolled me AD 2.
That's a 2, Jake. Oh, is that?
Fuck yes. All right, so D2 tomorrow
because I like that idea. Mainly because I want to run my
adventure. Somebody rolled me AD 12 for the
weather. 7. You guys are awakened by a
deluge of water just all of the sudden and as it just hits you
just dumps, just a cloudburst hits you guys, completely
drenching you guys which you probably still wet from the last
couple of days wakes you all up. Yes, you are.
Is this like a flash flood or just?
It's just a cloudburst. So yeah, the Hector gets up,
cleans the mud off of himself and feeds the horse, and the the
ox gets back up onto the cart and he's waiting for you guys.
What are y'all doing? No matter how much rain hits
this blanket, it's always crunchy, so I'm just going to
fold it up. That's.
Terrifying, you know I'm. Just going to.
Fold it up and put it in my satchel and hop on the cart.
You really got to. Work the wrinkles down.
You got to hit it a little bit. It's.
Terrifying. Yeah.
All right. Syphilis crawls into the back.
He's going to pack cold, fresh mud into his pus holes.
He's. Good on the skin.
Let's go. Somebody rolled me AD 6. 6.
You guys are fucking looking out as the cloudburst finishes and
it seems to be just like a strip of rain.
It looks like it's just going straight ahead, like almost like
it's leading you to where you need to be.
You guys start traveling and traveling.
There's nobody on the roads. It is another insanely quiet
day. This.
Is weird for this area. Very weird.
You'll notice that as you guys are, the the further you're
going through this day, it's starting, the temperature
starting to drop, it's starting to get a little colder.
Not like uncomfortably cold, like like frigid cold, but it's
starting to get a little colder. And you'll notice that just off
to the side off of the beaten path, you'll notice a a fairly
large settlement that's has a huge forest deep backdrop.
And Hector pulls off of the road and starts heading towards that
settlement. Oh.
Good idea, Hector, because I've unconveniently ran out of food.
I don't want to have to eat. You can't.
Eat him. You made that promise to his
mother. No, the reason I can't eat him
is because he's fucking disease now.
I mean, I ain't Brazilian, but motherfucker gotta do what
motherfucker gotta do. You'd fucking eat my eyeballs
any given day if you needed to. You don't want to eat Teddy.
You'll notice as you guys are getting closer to town, there's
little spottings of like small farms, some livestock bays,
stables, and it's starting to get a little more populated as
you get into the city proper. It's got like a a log fencing,
probably about 12 feet tall, and it seems to follow either side
except for one archway that leads into town, so you can tell
that's pretty much the only way in and out of town.
As we're going through town like this, I want to put a sign out
on the front of the wagon and the two sides sit on top of the
wagon and start yelling. For your dad, bring them out
here, right here. Dance them for your dad.
You'll kind of notice as people see you or hear you screaming
that they kind of look at you, kind of give you a weird look,
but it's not the weirdest thing they've seen.
So they kind of walk off and you know, think you're drunk or
crazy. But you'll notice in town
proper, there seems to be a it looks like a Tavern or an inn.
There's people coming in and out seems to be fairly lively.
You'll notice a sign above the entrance of it.
It says the the wet enough and you'll see that there's, you
know, even it's even though it's starting to get dark, there's a
lot of kids running back and forth, kind of playing adults,
you know, walking around a lot of them with large saws and axes
and stuff. You can tell this is the the
logging town that you're supposed to be coming to and it
seems to be fairly lively in this Tavern.
What do you want to? Do I would wave down one of the
like kids and running around and just like you guys heard of a a
person called Prossect. Prossect.
Oh wait, you mean oh gosh, what the heck is his name?
Praxit. You looking for him?
Sure, where is he at? He's probably in the the wet
knuckle. Sir.
What's wrong with your bird? He looks infected.
Hey everybody, Kevin at the end of the episode.
This episode's a travel episode with Levi playing Phil, the
Fugitive night by All Eyes no Game, Thomas playing Quill
Knock, the Profane survivor by Jared Barnes of the called
Osserary and Jake playing Cephalus the Corp plunder by
Harkenstone. This episode also featured
Praxis humble home from Nome Lackey.
Check out all these cool things and the respective ex slippers.
More for entries and the description accompanying this
episode. And while you're at it, check us
out on our social medias, our Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,
Blue Sky and Thread. And wherever you listen to
podcasts, make sure to rate, review, and share with all of
your friends so we can get out there to more people.
While we're at it, if you haven't already, please check
out our sister podcast, The World Standard.
And if you like what they're doing over there, think about
joining their Patreon. It gives you access to their
Discord, which you can talk to us as well because we're on
there. And just for $3 a month.
With that, thanks for listening and we'll catch you guys next
this time. You, you do know, like there are
certain like, cultures and stuff that getting shit on by bird is
considered good luck, Yeah. That this ain't that.
This ain't my. Culture.
I'm sorry. Say my name.
Look me in the eyes when you tell me syphilis.
Not everyone knows suck is. Not everyone knows how to suck
off, suck off. Suck off.
Suck off his bird. Come on, you see this function?
Wound suck. Alright, hold on, I'm a.
We, we don't. Have all day, just do it.
Just suck the bird. So many disgusting noises I've
got to find. You've got a brain.