Greeting Scum and welcome to season 2 of Flail the Face.
My name is Kevin and I am here with some familiar faces and
some new faces. I have a face.
I have a face too.
I happen to be one of the returning cast members.
This is Thomas Gino, Stummy monkey Moto on all the socials
and whatnot. Hi, I'm TomTom Gabino, Bag of
Rocks on the discord. I'm a new cast member for this
exciting new season of Flail to the Face and I cannot wait to
start. I'm Mr. Paschke.
I'm new here. I heard about the Come episode
and I wanted to be involved. God damn it.
And I thought we were going to try and scale back that.
No, no, no. That was how I.
Promised me here it was missing that Zing the special sauce,
yeah. With that being said, flail
flail. All right guys, Season 2 of
Flail of the Face. We have new faces here.
We're going to be doing something new and different with
it. Season 1 was mainly set in Burke
Borg in the Dying Lands. So we decided that season 2
we're going to expand and try to touch on as many of these hacks
that are out there as a possible and I thought the best way to do
it would be to base the show in a game that has nothing to do
with Merkborg. I am sending these guys to a
landfill trash planet called Hole Hole, a game that
originally came out in 1996 through.
It's a black dog factory. Dirt Merchant Games, It was the
subsidiary off of White Wolf. Black Dog took it over.
Anyways, whatever, the game is a fucking nightmare and I
absolutely love it so I'm sending my friends there right
now. Yay, thank.
You. You're welcome.
The book itself, just for the for the listeners, the book is
awesome. It's all handwritten, all hand
drawn, and it's looks like it's written by a fucking crazy
person. It's virtually unreadable.
Much like my handwriting. So where the fuck are we?
You guys are on hole? Human occupied landfill or his
other leg. Harmoniously orchestrated
lambada, Huge overfed leeches. Heinous old linguisa
hemorrhaging oral libido. Hey ow Lego, Hairy odious
leftovers. What is hole?
Well, you ever been to New Jersey?
Sorry Gambino. OK, now add some high technology
and make a planet out of it. Hole is the New Jersey of the
Confederation of Worlds, or cow. Fuck yeah.
Yes, far in the future the Galaxy is fully colonized and
sublet and the cow governing jointly with the church has
designated a small once green world to be the galactic trash
bin. And as it turns out, it happens
to be a pretty handy place to dump ship loads of raving,
murderous, psychopathic, genocidic, anti
establishmentalist whatever. I'm leaving it drooling psychos
bent on stuffing old ladies into wood chippers, as well as a good
number of access accountants. Hey, that's us.
No, you guys are not accountants.
Oh, OK, so do. We have a wood chipper.
I don't know, it's a landfill. You could probably find one.
Cool. Be like Fargo.
So you guys have been incarcerated on your respective
home planets and sent to the human occupied landfill.
You guys actually have been sentenced to work in the diaper
swamps. What are the diaper swamps you
ask? Well, there's a saying that you
may find beauty in anything if you look hard enough, but you
need a toe numbing few chugs of liquid plumber before you start
thinking a steaming field of misty burst mud mittens is kind
of pretty in its own little way. So fair warning, the diaper
swamp isn't for everybody. In fact, without the proper
vacation gear consisting of full enviro suit with self-contained
air supply and intravenous protein vaccination feed, you
may as well take a sip from a septic tank.
You guys being incarcerated here have been tasked to sift through
the diapers. Legend has it that years ago in
the Confederate High Court, a small child, one of the royal
Daughters genuine cubic zirconia cluster earrings was lost in the
diaper swamps. Your goal is to sift through all
the diapers looking for this cubic zirconia earring as you
guys are part of the work crew sifting through the diapers
looking for this earring. You guys have been around each
other for a while and you guys kind of know each other.
Why don't we introduce ourselves for the audience?
Yes I am Dalton Walls from the planet of Acumen 4.
There was a big misunderstanding that led to me being
incarcerated on this planet. They seem to think that I was
responsible for the death of million ish people or so, but I
tend to have a kind of like bad comb over and like with my
regular kind of like jumpsuit that they assign us when we get
stranded on this garbage planet. He still managed to have found a
tweed jacket with the elbow patches.
On it. It's very distinguished now.
Do you have a pipe as well? Do not have a pipe.
Well, you're in the right place to find one, I suppose.
I guess I'll go next. Hey, how you doing?
My name is Colette Stellano. If you're lucky, you get to call
me Letty. That's only if I allow you.
I'm from the G Spa planet and I am the best fence onset planet.
You will never find finer stolen goods other than through yours
truly. I'm on this planet, sicked him
through shit because one day I decided to get into the world of
the drug trade and deal went bad and I killed a guy and they
caught me and I didn't get far. So here I am, lucky me.
In here mostly to inform you all of the greatness that is the
mechanized llama in which I worship.
Now I know what you're thinking to yourself.
What on this planet or any planet could there be a
mechanized llama to worship? It is the one in true holy
being, the divine one that will guide you to salvation.
For the ones with the teeth will cut through the meat.
And the Mecca llama has no. Meat to be cut.
Through. That is why you must follow him.
His name's Donnie and he is already on my nerves, so that
means I'm doing it right. Yes.
Yeah, sure. Sounds good.
Yeah, so Donnie likes to, well, you'll find out very quickly
that he only eats raw living meats, so this will be fun given
we're in a diaper vast pile pool.
See the the thing that I was distracted the most about when
Kevin was describing this was the amount of coagulants they
put in diapers. Are these like commercial
diapers? Are these like fabric diapers?
As a father of a 2 year old, this this is in my brain.
I. I've always pitched it as kind
of a all of the above. Picture it correctly, it is an
all of the above and as you guys are sifting through the diapers,
there are huge portals spaced out throughout the whole diaper
swamp and throughout the whole planet itself, just dumping more
and more trash in this respective areas.
And every so often you'll see one of the apertures open and
just a deluge of diapers just dump off into the side.
And as they dump out, the guards that are watching you guys kind
of usher you towards the new pile, since the pile that you're
in has not been fruitful for the cubic zirconia earring.
Oh boy, it's snowing. What would you say is the ratio
of adult to small child diapers? It's all shit to me.
Pretty right down the middle, you know, I mean, I guess it, it
depends. Usually that's where shit comes
from. Right down the middle.
Got. That's a good one.
I secretly loathe and praise you at the same.
Time. I will take it.
You guys are a four man crew is the three of you and another one
that he's been with you every so often, but he's absent some days
and he's back. He's a little more beat up than
before by the name of Paul. So as you guys are sifting
through Paul's trying to make small talk with you guys like
what you guys? What's what's going on after
after shift? Are you guys just going back to
your buns? Are you going to going to catch
some food or something? What's what's what's going on?
I. Don't understand why you're
still talking to me. Well first of all, nothing is
happening until I get my succinct 6 showers after this
shift. I mean, come on.
I mean, we could shower anytime. I mean, do you guys want to hang
out? We could we could play cards.
I mean, I got it. I know Polly, Polly, Polly.
I know what spot we can go after.
We can that we can actually get some fucking hooch.
I wouldn't mind any, anything that is strong enough to fuck me
up, to arrange somewhat of the day to forget that I am laced
deep in human shit. Oh, it's not just human.
Look at that. Oh, thank you for reminding me,
Paul. You're such a St.
Yeah, I do what I can't. So there are dog diapers mixed
in with this as well? I was curious.
Yeah, that 100%. Paul, I would love to hang out
with you if you would like to just take a moment from you and
I to discuss the Mecca Llama. Mecca, hey, we're we'll have
plenty of time after shift the the guards are getting a little
antsy, but you know, let's let's get through this.
It's, you know, it's the middle of the day, the sun's beating
down. We're neck deep and shit right
now so. So if we drink with you, you're
going to stay and listen to the Donnies feel.
Of course I'm going to listen. I mean, you guys are my friends.
I mean, I know I haven't been around for a lot.
I mean, I've been. I'm in.
OK, Perfect, perfect. You said you got hooped, right?
I know a guy, I know a guy, I know a spot.
We can go after this, I swear. Well, listen.
Well, you listen. I know a guy who knows a guy
too. I got, I got a stash too.
If we're going in on this, I'll do some too.
This is a, it's a, it's a stand up place, especially for a shit
hole like this, if you know what I mean.
I feel like any place would be better than right.
As you guys finished saying that, one of the guards takes
the Electro prods and just jabs Paul right in the back.
Hey guys, it's sorry. It's sorry.
What the fuck is? Dude, to work.
Come on, we got to we got to find the earring.
I don't like being here any more than you guys do.
The truth be told, I kind of like you guys.
That guy's annoying as fuck, I swear.
Anyway, either way, either way, let's let's do this.
I don't want to be here. I got shit.
I got to do too. Let's, let's, let's move it
along. Let's.
Move it along. Can can you stop saying shit?
Get enough of it today. I go to hell, pick up Paul.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Come on, I got you.
Hang on. You're covered in shit.
Well, there's not much you could do about that, but.
So day goes by, sun's beaten down, the your vision is
completely obscured by the vapor trails coming up off the pile of
diapers that it just keeps. Dumping.
I never knew hell would be so smelly.
So as you guys are sifting through the diapers, throwing
the adult diapers in the one side, you got the half
disintegrated children's diapers and various other undergarment
collections thrown around Dalton, you feel a tap on the
back of your leg. We.
Brush it away. You feel a tap again.
What? Hey, Dalton.
Hey, Dalton, it's me, Eddie. What do you want?
Have you have you seen Henry? Sure.
You went over that way, OK. As the rest of you guys look,
you see what appears to be about a 2 1/2 foot mound of what could
be only described as fleshy tumors.
I have been here too long. A pile of shit has grown arms
and legs. It's not shit, it's probably
something just as bad though. It's just one of the Saga
diapers, you know, the ones that wasn't shat in but just filled
up on all of the liquid that collected inside of it and
coagulated. No.
No, no, no. You guys got it all wrong.
My name is Eddie. I'm the boy I was.
It's a long story. Henry will have to tell you
about it when we see him. I just gotta.
Find him. It's a real complicated Biox
story. Indeed.
So you said he was over there? Yeah, I just kind of like
sweeping motion that doesn't even really point in any
direction. OK.
Move that way somewhere. Guess I'll guess I'll go find
him. OK, we'll go find Henry.
Thanks. Thanks to Alden.
I'll remember this. I'm just staring at this thing
wondering how this thing came into being.
I can assure you it was a rather horrific birth.
You do realize 2 beings of equal disgust fucked to have that
thing? No, no, it literally spawned out
of somebody's goiter. Oh, Oh my God.
Yeah, so think of it like. I don't want to No, no, no.
La La La La La La la. How animal would you say that
is? It's not.
Heard that before. Definitely not, unless you like
chewing on tumors. I'll pass this time.
Best choice? So the day goes on.
You guys are sifting and sifting.
It's it's hot, it stinks. The guards are pressuring you
guys to hurry up and keep going with what you're doing.
And eventually, a huge horn echoes throughout the the diaper
swamp. And it's like midday.
You're at the end of the day now.
Oh. Cool.
Awesome. So basically it's quitting time.
The guards link you guys back up, chain gang style, leads you
back to your barracks. Dalton, Collette, Donnie and
Paul, they unchain you. They're like.
You know the drill. Go wash up.
Go do what you're going to do. Lights out a pen.
I find the highest pressure hose and just begin to just spray
myself and I don't care if I break off layers of my own skin,
I just need to get clean. I imagine like these barracks
and stuff have external chemical shower thing, so it's just like
walking over and then just pulling the lever and just stand
in there while I contemplate the life events that brought me to
this place. I think like it's in a line, so
I go through it once and then I go back in line and come in to
take another one and I do that four more times.
So it's kind of like a car wash. You guys get in there, single
file, you stand there, you go on the conveyor, it dumps you with
whatever soap product smacks you around with the little brushes,
and it hoses you clean and then you're off to do your thing.
I feel like one of those ducklings in one of those Dawn
commercials. Don't worry, the smell still
lingers. Oh, I know.
I like it when it gets into the nooks and crannies.
Well, it is good that you identify as a Thomas English
muffin. I'm just saying that that
high-powered pressure gets right under the arm pants.
Actually, that is a good I I didn't know what no, that that
does feel good. So after you guys wash up and
get into your, I guess your sippies or whatever, you meet up
with Paul, you know, he's already dressed and ready to go.
He's like, what? You guys, you guys ready you
guys, let's go get it. Let's go get a drink.
I reach into my jumpsuit and I proceed to pull out 2 bottles of
G spot planet wine and goes you want white or red?
Oh, mix it. Let's go pink.
Let's go. Yeah, let's go.
Let's go pink. Let's do this.
Hey, no, how about hang on to
that. I know, I know the I know a guy
drinks around me tonight. Let's go follow me.
We're going to we're going over the church and munch.
So the church and munch is basically a culmination of the
fast food industry and the church in this world on hold
themselves. They have little satellite
restaurants, which is basically going to be your mess hall.
So as Paul leads you past the mess hall, down a hallway to
what appears to be a broom closet.
Oh OK, is this swanky? Yeah, no, no.
This is going to be great. Check this out.
He opens up the broom closet, pushes the mop bucket off to the
side, slides off one of the shelving to what appears to be a
trap door. Opens up the trap door and you
see flashing lights and thumping bass.
Nice. Paul, what the fuck?
Hey. Paul.
Look at this guy. Yeah, this guy.
Yeah, yeah. Go on, go on.
Go down. Go down there.
I'm gonna keep an eye out. We can't let the guards see that
what we're doing. All right, Yeah, I follow, I go.
I would walk past Paul and still give them that slow teacher
stare. Turn in my homework.
What the hell is this about? And then walk down.
What about you, Donnie? You going?
Yeah, I suppose I'll go in. All right, so as you guys
descend down the ladder, you go into what basically looks like
an underground club, like a Speakeasy, but it's like a
booming bass bouncing off the walls, lights flashing
everywhere, and you see a sign over the bar that says the Wet
Knuckle. Oh hey guys, a priest, a
teacher, and a fence walking to a bar.
I think I heard this one. Come on, let's go talk to the.
End. But well, I guess we'll find out
and I going. If you see Paul kind of rush up
to the bar before you guys get here and he ushers the bartender
over and starts talking quietly in his ear, I.
You know what? I saddle up next to Paul and I
try to overhear what is going on.
Actually, you know what? I have a skill.
Oh it's damn dude, who dat? OK.
Since I am in a new place and I am looking to like makes new
people like. Hey, Paul.
Hey. Hey, Paul.
What was this guy? He got a new friend.
Hey, new friend. What's your name?
I'm Colette. Well, hello, Colette.
What are what are we talking about over here?
Oh, don't you? Don't you worry yourself on
that. Name's Jack.
Jack Hoff. Nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet you too. Are you going to try and seduce
this man or are you going to allow us to get drinks from him?
You're talking to me. Yes.
No, I'm not trying to do it. I just noticed that my friend
Paul here is being very secretive and buddy buddy like
what's what's what's all the secrets, bud?
Oh no, no, no, no, no secrets, no secrets.
I was just telling him that I brought my friends down and
that, that, that that drinks are on me tonight.
So everybody, you know, he's, I just was letting him know.
So in case you guys were wanting to, you know, get some more
cocktails, if I just had to go throw a piss or something, you
know that you guys were good. You guys are covered under me.
I was promised hooch. I.
See nothing that even resembles a glass in front of me.
With that being said, Jack pulls up what appears to be a small
gas can with the spout, lines up a couple different various
glasses because it is a landfill for God's sake, you don't get
the fine wares and starts popping off all the glasses and
puts them in front of you guys. Chateau de Petrol.
Yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's a, it's my own
plan. I can drink up, drink up, drink
up. Can I roll something to deduce
this wine? Go ahead and make a Gray matter
check, DR12. Oh great, my Gray matter is a -,
2 that's a three. Oh, it smells God awful.
It burns the eyes, but you know that you've drank worse.
Just like home, Just like home. And you see that Paul's got his
in hand. He's like, hey, hey, cheers for
the shit farmers out there. Come on, guys, let's let's bring
it in. Let's bring it in.
I I cheers Paul, but I wait for him to drink his glass first.
Yeah. OK.
And as he says that, he shoots it right back.
I did see him. Shiver a little bit.
All right, all right. I shoot mine.
Yeah, I follow suit. I have a heavy sip but I do not
shoot the whole thing. All right, everybody go ahead
and make a nuts test. We are 12.
Sweet, I have a two to nuts. I got a 18.
Beautiful. Oh, I got a 21.
Beautiful. Very, very.
Nice. This tastes like pure gasoline.
It is. It is basically just gasoline
with a maraschino cherry juice in it.
I got my antsy running. Around.
Yeah. See, this is good, right, guys,
we're having fun. Music's playing, people are
dancing. Come on, let's do another round.
Let's go. Let's go.
We come on there. It's the Let's go.
What you what you consider good is low grade at best.
Hey, when you've been on this shithole, as long as I have
anything that'll knock your knock your feet in the third, if
you know what I mean, is it's it's a welcome blessing.
You know what that with that sentiment, Paul, I will agree
with you. I will gladly have another shot.
All right, before you get a chance to finish that, Jack is
lining up another round for everybody and he takes one with
you. All right, here we go.
All right, go ahead and roll a nuts test, DR12.
Nuts test. Okay, ooh, that's an 18. 12 on
the dot. Okay. 16.
All right, Dalton, you're feeling kind of woozy, but
you're still holding it in Colette and Donnie.
You guys are. You guys are feeling right as
rain right now. You got that head change.
You're feeling good. You're feeling like you want to
go and dance and sing. There's karaoke off in the
background. I don't know what the hell
they're singing. You know, Colette, if you were
like 30 years younger, you might almost look OK right now.
You know what, big guy? I will take that as a compliment
because that seems like the full extent that I of what I can call
a compliment coming from you. Oh wow, that oh, that's potent.
That's got Jack looks over. That smells like old crawdad.
Oh God. You snacking during our shit?
You your alcohol tastes like shame and bad decisions.
Yeah, with that, let's do double s.
And he pours a double shot for everybody.
Paul takes his and he shoots it right back.
Jack takes his before you guys even start and he shoots his
right. Back.
I'm not going to be outdone by these buffoons and just.
Can I, can I pretend to shoot my shot, you know, like do one of
these or I was like. Sure, go ahead and make a mouth
test, DR14. The six, I tried to put it back,
but I accidentally put the whole thing like like I was like, oh.
You had to cup the bottom of the cup.
Yeah, I have my experience in cupping.
Donnie, you take yours. Donnie will hold it and then
start to look at everyone you know.
Now might be the appropriate time for me to regale you of the
great Mecca Llama. Who?
I take his shot too and drink it.
All right. Without the rock punch.
Oh God. As you take his shot, Jack pours
Donnie another one and Dalton go ahead and make a a nut, says
DR14. I got a 12.
OK, Colette, go ahead and make a nut, says DR12.
Let's go, Colette. Come on.
You know what? No.
I'm going to use another die for this one.
Let's go lucky metal die. Fuck, that is A7.
All right, so as Dalton takes that double shot and Colette
tries to sneak hers away, but it ends up right down the gullet,
the both of you, your vision gets tunneled, it gets angled,
and the world starts spinning like mad, and the both of you
collapse on the bar. That's Amore.
And they're looking at you, Donnie.
You see, the lasers would come from the llamas eyes and they
would burn its enemies as the fires would consume them.
The llama would cry out. Yeah.
So he just tries to go on as long as he can without drinking
that Because I think, I think I've at least figured out their
game here. As you are going on with the
Mecca Llama speech, Jack takes both of the glasses from in
front of Dalton and Colette, fills them up again, sets them
up in front of you, and they continue shooting them.
Come on, come on, get in there. Tell me more about this Mecca
Llama. But we got to get shitty about
it. The shittiness of the Mecca
Llama, nervously trying not to drink it and to just.
And as you're stalling, you see Paul taking your hand and just
pushing it up to your lips. Come on.
Shoot this.
Shit, one, one more couldn't hurt.
Yeah. No, no.
No, no, no, no. Bottoms up, bottoms up.
Let's see the bottom of that glass.
Can I try to do the the the sneaky not shoot?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, go ahead to mouth test. 8
CR 12 plus or 17. OK, so as Paul is pushing it up
towards you, you kind of make it fake, like you twitched and it
poured down your shoulder. Oh, come on, come on.
We don't abuse alcohol. You know how hard it is to get
that shit in here? We had to steal it from the
fucking the mechanics over there.
I mean, the refinery. No, it's it's gasoline with the
maraschino cherry in it, but still.
I mean. We figured that part out.
Yes, that was already noted. And without even missing a beat,
Jack fills up another 3 glasses. Paul shoots 1, Jack shoots 1,
and they both push it in front of you.
Come on, let's go. Are you?
Extras on the lighthouse. I'm not exactly sure what that
means, but maybe? I'm not getting any residuals
from it though, so that sucks. All right, so I guess I'm going
to shoot again. It's this inevitable?
Roll for peer pressure. Yeah.
Nat 14, Nat 20, this, it's almost like you just got like a
second win. You just, you were just amped.
The llama has chosen me to tell you more about it's bullshit
that I did not think of in advance.
Allow me to make some things up as you are clearly more drunk
than I am. Did you know that alpacas are
the evilest of creatures as they try to imitate the llama and
they are the false quadrupedal furry long necked creature?
This is amazing. I'll be right back.
And you see Paul kind of walk off as you and Jack are having
this conversation. Really the alpacas.
The alpacas have always been as far as I've seen.
You don't see many up here. I mean a lot of the furs, but I
really don't know where they came from.
But either way, the alpacas really here, here let's you know
what? You know what?
Let me pull out some of the fine reserve and you see that he
pulls out a smaller gas can and he starts pouring drinks for the
both of you. And he actually puts the
maraschino cherry in it. It's like this is now this is
this is real smooth. This is, this is the good stuff.
I I give Paul the garbage because that guy is, let's just
say that guy's fucking annoying. Yeah, he's kind of a douchebag.
People agreed on that. I.
Heard that, but that's OK. All right, I try it.
All right, let's test the R14. All right, I rolled a 13.
I mean, that's a 0, so that is. OK, so as you shoot it back,
same thing happens to you. Your vision gets tunneled, your
vision gets angled and everything starts to spin.
And as you are about ready to lose consciousness and just slam
your head against the wall, you see Jack point off it at ball.
They're ready. Oh boy.
And we're going to go to break. Come one, come all, join us as
we dive into the dying world of Mork Board and the Board
universe. Whispers of the Dying Lands is a
podcast with 1 mission to spread the word of Necrobel as third
party content creators share the prophecies of Verhu I.
Your host Olasco's teams up with everyone's favorite they would
scum, Iron Tusk, Tevin. From Flail to the Face.
We sit down with content creators to help promote and try
to give maximum exposure and efforts to support their
crowdfunding campaigns. Welcome back to Flail of the
Face. These guys are ass out drunk
right now and they are being drug by their feet across the
dance floor into a backroom where Paul has opened up a hatch
in the floor and Jack and Paul are throwing these guys down
what appears to be a shaft. It drops you for probably a
good, I don't know, it feels like it would feel like forever
until you guys hit the bottom with a huge banging thud.
Oh man, I like, like, do I wake up once I hit the ground?
Actually, everybody go ahead and make me a nuts test to see if
you all wake up all right, DR12. All right, my nuts.
Is that is a 17. All right, OK, my nuts is a 2O.
That's a 13. Perfect.
Four. So as the both of you guys hit,
you wake up, your heads killing you, still little groggy from
the gasoline, and then Donnie falls.
Where's my? Pet.
Oh my freaking head. Like I just like stretch out my
body and I am just like shaking the cobwebs off.
I look at my my pals and I'm like, you know what?
You know what that professor, the second we get out of here,
how about you and me could pause.
Fucking ass. I I completely concur with that.
Good. Let's make sure Donnie's just
out and not. Oh shit, Donnie.
Worse, worse then I'm going to go over and like.
Check him. Shake him.
I get him. I, I, I get him up to like
Donnie. Donnie, come on mate.
And with all that, Donnie does in fact make up.
The last oil change. He's good.
The last The last drink was delightful.
He has some reserved tank that he mixed with the gasoline.
It may have even been laid it. I'm glad you had a good time.
Oh it was awful, but better than the first one.
Yeah, well, now it looks like we got us a new fresh hell that
we're in. As you guys finish saying that,
you can see the light go out as they close the Hatch and it is
pitch black in here except for what appears to be some light
coming from a doorway just ahead of you, probably 15 feet and.
It's just like there's not like there's no human shape through
the door. It's just an.
Open door. It's just it's just a closed
door with the light. Barely.
Beaming through the bottom all right.
I hate to say it, but it's probably the only door here, so
we're going to have to start walking forward so that we can
get out and properly insert Paul's head into his rectum.
It is too bad that the shithills have destroyed my nostrils
because I would be smelling a whole heap of bullshit right
now. As you guys advance towards the
door, it goes from pitch black to almost blindingly lit in the
room, just like somebody kicked on as many fluorescent lights as
possible. It's just that irritating
fluorescent. No sensory overload.
Hello. What the?
Fuck. And in the room you see three
crates, each of them with your names.
OK, this is getting really fucking weird.
I think this implies that the let's see how to put it way you
would understand the bastards planned this.
Oh yeah, no, that's a definite I like.
I saw that coming a mile away, but what the fuck is this?
I think you were the only one out of us that did not put that
together. Like raise one eyebrow and just
like the angry teacher stare down.
I I smile real big with my teeth.
I walk over to my crate and I tentatively kick it like a like
a light tap with my foot like. Go ahead, roll AD 20.
Fuck it. OK I got AD for odd.
Odd is 1, even is 2. Got it.
It's a 2. OK, you just kicked the crate.
Yeah, just like give it like a light like tap, like a like a
cell. As you kick the crate, you see
that the lid on top shifts ever so slightly, like it's just been
laid on top of it. Oh, so it's not like hinged?
No. Oh, OK.
Do I see anything because the lid is slightly ajar?
If you pull the lid off, you can look inside.
But like, is there anything that's like moving in there?
Is there? Nothing moving.
Boys, I'm gonna fucking regret this.
And I lean down and I pull the lid off like hesitantly, like I
slowly pull it off with my eyes closed.
And then I open one eye. OK, roll me AD 10.
D10. Hey.
Yes, Sir. That is a four.
Inside the crate appears to be a large slingshot, but you could
tell it would hold like water balloons and you see a
smattering of just random debris in there.
Like like what? Like.
Rocks, like rocks and OK and just chunks of random stuff that
they picked up from the landfill out.
There, when you say slingshot, are you talking like Dennis the
Menace style slingshot? Yes, but a large one that one
that would launch water balloons.
Oh wow, OK what kind of fucking looney tone shit is this?
That would be a slingshot. Well, thank you, Professor.
I suppose it could launch a water balloon.
Hell yeah, this thing's pretty big.
Maybe even a baby. Yeah, this.
Oh, that'd be fun. When it comes down to it, it
does D6 damage. So there are two other crates,
one with Dalton's name and one with Donnie's name.
Donnie goes over to his and rips the lid off.
Can Donnie read his? Good question.
Donnie is illiterate all. Right, Dalton will go over to
his. Donnie goes over to Dalton's.
Wrong one my boy, Yours is over there.
The one that's already been opened.
No, and I point to Donnie's. Oh, I, I knew that I was, I was
going there right all. Right.
And now can I have Christmas fun time?
Yes, you can. Roll me AD 2D2.
Flip one, roll me AD 10. G10 Roll 8.
Inside this crate you see what appears to be a severed hand
with a manacles attached to it. On the other side of the manacle
appears to be a cinder block. How old is the hand?
It's still in pretty good condition.
Oh fuck yeah. Stack tab.
This is a 2 handed weapon and it will do D8 damage.
But still you got one hand. You will use two hands to wield
the severed arm that's manacled to a cylinder block.
But but he wants to eat the the hand.
It's not alive though. Oh, you're right.
OK, Fair, fair. OK.
All right. I love that you're a discerning
cannibal. Schedule line.
Somewhere, freshness matters. If it's not fresh, then it's not
clean. Then it's not worth eating.
That is true, but Donnie is probably very hungry.
As Colette is eyeing her slingshot, she looks over at
Donnie and goes, holy shit, what the fuck is that?
It's too old to eat his first problem.
Second problem is I probably only get like 3 good hits with
it and he starts swinging it around over his head before it's
going to shatter. Yeah.
Yeah, Dalton kicks open his. OK, roll me a D2.
That is A1. And go ahead and roll me a D10.
2. Inside your crate.
Is a bazooka. Is not a bazooka that's on the
other table. That's on the other table is a
six foot steel pipe. How they fit that in that crate
I don't know, but there's a six foot steel pipe in there that
does D4 damage when attacking. With that you will do a meets
test. The Donnie you will be doing a
meets test as well for when you're using your severed arm
with manacle attached to a cinder block Colette.
You will be doing a feets test when using your water balloon
launcher with whatever objects you could possibly find it
there. PR12 Feets.
Correct. Cool, cool, it might.
Oh cool, my feet is A2 awesome. As you guys pick this up, you
notice that the door is closed in front of you, but there's a
simple handle. There's no lock on it.
Well. Like, OK, you got a pole, a
lovely boy. Donnie has a cinder block Mace.
I got a slingshot. Cool.
So we're ready for The Hunger Games, right?
I don't understand that reference.
Sorry I got all the I got all the illegal channels on my
planet, but sad to say, looks like this is the only way.
Right. Well, ladies first.
You are a son of a bitch and at that point I desperately do want
to say something but I'm kind of like tongue tied because my
sense of like curiosity is peak now and that I feel like is
overriding my smart ass Ness. Like I hate you and I walk over
to the door. I'm used to it.
And yeah, yeah, because everybody loves the teacher and
I go over to the door and is there like a knob or.
Yeah, there's a doorknob on there and it opens into the next
room. I have my like, I push it open
like I unlock it with, I unlock the knob and I push the door
open with my shoulder and I like have my slingshot ready.
This is when we find out it's a pole door.
I just said it was a push door, but that would have been way
better. OK, you go and open the door,
right? Yeah.
OK, open the door. You die.
Again, just offensively blinding light in there.
Jesus Christ, man. And go ahead and roll me AD 10.
OK, that's another four. OK, the room itself appears
empty. Go ahead and roll me AD 4.
That's a. One I wait for like Colette to
take 6 to 8 steps into the room before I follow her.
OK. And I I walk in like 3 steps and
I'm just like what are you chicken shit doing?
Observing. Observe this and I flip.
That's rather uncouth. And you're ugly.
As you enter the room, you see that there's a door to the left,
a door to the right, and a doorway ahead of you.
What the fuck is this? Hey professor, come on in here.
Unless you're afraid of doors. It's usually not the doors, it's
what's behind them that tends to be the problem.
Various though. Look at you, no words too.
Yes, I do. Thank you very much.
I seem to recall there were certain cultures and stuff that
like to claim left his law. I think to homage to that, we go
ahead and go that way. Motions to the left door.
Have all three of you entered the room?
Yeah, I'm following. OK as Donnie enters the room.
Is there anything above the doors or any are that like are
all the doors like the same or they're?
All the same. And and nothing above the the
archways or like the the entrances to the door.
Nope, no signage. For as filthy as this planet is,
this is hospital grade clean. It is Immaculate in this room.
As Donnie enters the room, a large, heavy steel door slides
over the entrance door that you just walked in.
Oh fuck. And after that door slides down,
you hear mechanical gears clicking away, and you notice
that the ceiling itself starts to descend, and as it descends,
spikes start randomly poking through the roof.
That's a double fuck. Shit yes I think we should just
double down and go through this left hand door.
What Which one's the fastest claim up closest to?
You're dead center in the room, so you have one to the right,
one in front of you, and one to the left.
I already start walking doors to the left hand door.
I follow. As you guys are walking towards
it, the roofs continues to come down quicker and who's reaching
for the door? Don't move.
Dalton will OK the door is locked.
Well, shit. Fuck.
There are other doors though, right?
Correct. Yeah.
So are locked. Whatever.
Move on to the next door. Just next closest door.
Locked. OK, panic.
Well #3 locked. I'm going to try to wedge my
pipe into the door to see if I can leverage it.
OK, go ahead and make a meats roll VR12.
That is a 15. As you wedge it into the door
and start prying it, it's giving you a little bit of hassle,
especially since the roof is starting to get to the top of
the door jamb. But eventually it pops free and
opens up and starts to crush under the weight of the.
Roof. All right, No.
No time so wasted. I I immediately muscle past
Colette and go in. More like I muscle past you and
go through it. Ladies first, asshole.
I shove. Them both.
You're far from a lady. Fuck yeah.
All right, so you guys come to a small hallway and you see
another door in front of you. And as Donnie brings up the
rear, you see that the roof continues to lower and lower and
lower and crushes the door that it was resting on and lowers all
the way to the ground. And that doorway is solidly
blocked off. All right, so now we're just
like, in a hallway, or are we in another room?
You are in a small hallway with a door in front of you.
OK, well, that was a close call. Yes, it's a good time that you
aren't a taller person. Thank God yes.
Good thing my my inserts are back home.
Dalton will go forward, but I'll be like using my pipe to tap the
floor just to see if there's any in a probing manner.
OK, seems solid. But I'll I'll keep walking
forward and tapping it. OK, All right.
You get across the hallway. The hallway's not very long.
It's roughly about 15 feet from one end to the other.
Floor is solid all year is just the tapping of the pipe on the
tile. OK, And the doorway in front of
you? I press the lever with the door
with my pipe and try to like push the door open and.
I ready a shot in my sling shot. This door opens in.
Oh, it opens in. So you can't push it open.
Yeah, the old push pull door trick.
It says pull on real. It says real on the door.
Real maniacal type individuals we're dealing with, they're
sick. Yeah, real evil geniuses.
All right, you open the door. Already a shot?
Yeah, I'll grab the lover and pull it open.
OK, you open the door, another obnoxiously lit room, and go
ahead and roll me AD 10. That's a 2.
OK, and roll me AD 6. 4. OK, as you enter the room you
see that the room is oddly shaped.
There's an open area as you walk in to the left there's a hallway
that takes a sharp right hand turn and then there's a doorway
to your left. In the room.
You notice that there's a hulking beast of a man that's
facing away from you guys. White shirt, blue jeans, wearing
an apron, kind of got like a hairnet on.
And he's just kind of muttering to himself as he's staring at
the wall in front of you. I'm trying to quietly walk up
behind him to see if I can hear what he's saying.
As you get closer to him, you hear he's just muttering what it
sounds like short order cook orders like ham, ham and cheese
with the extra fries and somebody wants the Reuben.
Who eats the Reuben around here and it's all fucking garbage.
Anyways. Do you notice in his hand that
he has a large spatula that's serrated on one side and he's
just kind of flopping it between his hands as he's talking about
all these random orders? A quesadilla.
It's a quesadilla down here. This is insane.
So the door is like opposite this guy.
Correct. Like as you walk in you see him
across the room from you and then to your right you see what
appears to be a long hallway that takes a right hand turn and
to the left of you you see a door.
All right, I hug the wall like I hug the wall with my back, and I
make my way to the door and I try to open it ever so
stealthily. OK, go ahead and make me a feets
test DR12. Sweet.
Command Big Blue. Oh, that's a 21.
Very nice. You get to the door and you can
feel that it's unlocked. Nice.
As this guy's muttering to himself.
Oh, I open it and I and I just signal my friends to like, come
on, that's damn scrape. You see Donnie mouth butt Ruben?
I don't know a Ruben and I, I don't care.
All I know is that guy does not look friendly.
We gotta go. I hate to admit it, but I think
she might be on to something. OK.
Just just mumbling quietly. As you guys sneak past the short
order cook and go to the doorway that's unlocked, it leads to
another small hallway roughly 15 feet, and then another door at
the end of that hallway. All right, who's opening this
one? I have not opened the door yet.
All right. Donnie, go ahead and roll me AD
10. That is A8.
And eight, OK, you open the door again, abrasive, just blinding
light, and you see what appears to be looks like another crate
in the center of this room. Just a single crate.
I I believe I've called dibs.
You know what? It's only fair.
You gonna go open it? Yeah, I'm gonna go open it, all
right. It hasn't got it bad for me yet.
Go ahead and roll me AD 30. Why did you have to say that?
Excellent question. Let me get my D3016.
All right, so you open the crate and inside this crate it appears
to be a Golf Club A9 iron. In fact, on the end of the Golf
Club, it appears to be an ice skate that's duct taped to it.
I like this. This sounds like a legitimate
trash heap weapon. D6 damage.
Nice. So basically he looks like a
battle bot. But one's a doable hand at
weapon, so I can't really do a. Wheel.
Oh wow. I've got to make a choice.
Do I keep my center block with not appetizing man flesh or do I
go with the arguably an axe? By definition, an axe, right?
By definition, an axe. I'm going with the, by
definition, an axe. OK, and what do you do with the
severed arm that's manacled to a cinder block?
I kind of offer it up to the group and just like give like
this look of like. Can I take the weapon quote UN
quote weapon apart? No, it doesn't appear so.
It looks like the the arm is swollen around the manacle and
it seems like the the manacle is basically like fused into the
cinder block. But we could smash the center
block, right center. Have you ever have you ever
dealt with the center? Block.
I've dealt with the cinder block.
You can smash those pretty easy. I'm sure you could.
Like probably AD one round we could break it.
Go ahead, roll me AD 1. So how long it takes you?
01 round. D1 I've got a one looked over at
my dice to look for AD one. OK, now what's that?
Hey. Are you looking to break the
cinder block? I'm looking to see if like I
could use the hand and bullshit a story behind the hand.
OK, I believe you. I believe you too.
I believe in you as well. You know what?
I'm going to try to break the cinder block.
I'm just going to Colette is just going to pick it up by the
end of the chain where the hand is and I swing it around and I
try to forcibly smash the cinder block against the ground.
OK, go ahead and roll me A meets test meets.
Oh, I think my meets is at a -, 2 No, it's a -1 that's a 17.
All right, so as you swing it and you smash it against the
ground, you see particles of cinder block just scatter.
Sweet. It looks like it's been
weakened, but it hasn't fully broken off yet.
Okay, I okay, hasn't fully broken off, but it's it's
lighter. It is lighter and the smashing
has echoed through this room and beyond.
Same. Level of pristine clean.
Same level of pristine clean. OK, it's like, well, at least we
I gave the janitor some work, right guys?
Yeah, it's like he didn't have enough other problems to go on.
Excuse me, Mr. Patches tweed jacket And I pick up the hand
OK, And like I sort of put the chain like over like my neck,
like I wear it like a like a scarf almost.
And I take some of the broken bits of cinder block for ammo
for my slingshot. Love it.
As you guys are discussing this and you're picking up the stuff
you see in the hallway, the short order cooks standing at
the doorway I need. You guys open orders?
Now, and is he's wielding his spatula in his hand.
Whoa. Are the fries on a good man?
OK, who? Who's got the Sunday Special?
How am I supposed to know? Just run the orders with.
It Table 12 want to order a chicken basket?
We're out of chicken. Chicken's been at 86 for the
menu. They wanted it though, That's
what they requested. Table 10 wonders if they could
substitute onion rings for a salad.
No substitutions. Roll initiative.
Oh. Fuck it.
Would you say substitutions? Have you never worked in a
kitchen? I.
Have there's no substitutions. Not you can't.
No, I guess I'll I'll do it D6 right.
Correct. D6 brick, Borg rolls.
That's a four now, right as you guys, this hulking mass of a man
is standing in the only doorway in this room, and he looks
furious. All right, here we go.
I'm just going to line up my shot and be like, no need to be
so surly about it. Nat fucking 20.
Oh, all right. Max damage.
All right, you're going to do Max damage.
Yes, D6. All right, what do you do
exactly? He's still up, but he is proper
fucked right now. I line up my shot.
I aim right in between the eyes like I pull back on my
slingshot. I kiss the stone.
I let it fly. And it goes right between his
eyes and leaves a massive indention in his forehead.
You can see it like the skin is split and the the blood is
trickling either side of his nose.
All right about a boom. Dalton's going to come forward
since I got that nice lengthy piece of steel pipe and just jab
towards him almost like a spear. OK, go ahead and make it to
Beats test. That is a four.
Well, tell me how you miss. Yeah, so like as I'm going
forward, like I basically kind of trip over my own feet.
So it becomes this like weird lunge and I just like stagger.
OK. Woofa.
As you're staggering forward, he's kind of dazed and barely
gets out of the way of your pipe.
Lunge, Donnie. Yeah, Donnie holds the Golf
Club, kind of like aims it at his head a little bit, kind of
squares up, kind of leans back, does this little pump number
thing before he goes all the way back.
And then just pushing forward, like just, I've imagined the
front part of the ice skate is forward.
So. OK.
Yeah. Like he's trying to shoot that
right into the forehead, center of the head.
Brain name. Oh perfect, I'd love to see you
do this. So it's AD six thing it was the
last thing I had was what? What modifier does this go with?
It's. Going to be your meets modifier
meat weight. That's plus one.
Okay. So 18.
That is a solid hit. Go ahead and roll damage.
A palpable hit. 5. Okay, tell me how you kill them.
You're us all right. Yeah, so takes the golf axe and
just pushing right in. Just bringing them right between
the eyes. Like one eye blinks, then the
other eye blinks slowly, the other eye opens back up and this
one kind of twitches for a second before he starts drilling
out of the right side of his mouth.
Perfect. Like basically half of his brain
dies and like severs connection instantly and the other half
just gets to watch. Fantastic.
And as this is all happening, you see him just fried and you
see him just mumble to himself, oh this is going to look
infected. Welcome to whole motherfuckers.
Let's. Go.
This episode of loyal face features the game human occupied
landfill by Todd shaughnessy, Daniel thrawn and Chris Elliott,
with Thomas Gino stummy playing Dalton walls, Tom gambino
playing Colette stellano, Charles paschke playing Donnie
and Kevin Welch as game master. Season 2 theme music is void
construct by Alex scroll and editing by Kevin Welch.
And while you're at it, check us out on our social medias, our
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Blue Sky and Thread, and
wherever you listen to podcasts, make sure to rate, review, and
share with all of your friends so we can get out there to more
people. With that, thanks for listening
and we'll catch you guys next time.
Wow, it didn't kick us. No, because I reset it before.
Three times trying to get everything right going up.
Yeah. Look at those little like bars
moving around and stuff they're. Squeaky.
I can't wait. Wow, those.
My my little bars are not moving and your butt little bars are
moving. Do my little bar.
Your your your little bars are moving on my side.
My little bars stay same. It's line.
It's like sadness of line you're on.
My screen yours is going along. Yes it is and it's and just
remember guys, it's not the size of the little bars, it's how I
edit it I guess. All the people with little bars
say that. Yeah.
It's cold out, I'm from a much warmer climate.
My wife says my little bar is a good size.
Same. Average is the new hung so.
Medium is premium. They pay extra for that.
Yep. It's premium, it's.
Pretty maybe? Yeah, it's like $0.10 more at
the pump, if you know what I mean.
You got to hit that sweet spot. You go too big.
I mean, it's not really usable. It's just there.
It's why you go too small. It's like it's not even there.
It's trouser candy. What?
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, why do you need a
sledgehammer? Just a hammer in a nail.
Yeah, I think we've diverted enough.
OK. Well, we can keep talking about
hogs. No, let's not.
Oh man, I got a haircut this week that's coming up and I can
really, I really need it just like up to the point now, like I
walk through the warehouse and I can feel it move as I'm walking
and I'm. Yeah.
Must be nice to have hair. It is.
Oh, I see the video of Mr. Paschi.
There it was quite luscious. I used to.
I used to shave my head for quite a number of years, for a
very long time. Yeah, but but my head shaving is
because it fell out, not because of my oh, this will
stylistically look good. It was a oh, it looks bad now.
No, I I used to shave my head because I absolutely hated my
hair so. Big same, but now I've got this
fucking. You're rocking the the Viking,
the Viking ponytail. Why is that not in a little bun
with a chopstick through it? Because I'm not a fucking
monster. Yeah, he's not in Mulan.
Also then he would get sauce in his hair.
Yeah, because it's going straight from the orange chicken
right into my hair. It's actually.
A snack. You're a Mongolian beef kind of
guy. Oh, I do love me some Mongolian
beef. The orange chickens mainly just
to to wash out the Gray that's forming.
So it's a. Highlight.
It's a. Sesame chicken.
Is that dandruff? No sesame seed.
Sesame seed. Oh, yummy.
Delicious. Not for later this.
Is where the music comes in. Might as well be this is for the
music. Oh my God.
Well. This is how I expected that to
go. I thought, I thought I would
have lasted a little longer. So damn, I got done in by
gasoline moonshine. Should I have tried to have made
a break for it? That that was my only other
thing in my brain was like, I would have to just try and run.
Yeah. And then Kevin would have to
have these people beat me down. And who knows which?
Would be hilarious, yeah. And who knows how many other
people at this like frigging little night spot are in on it
too. You probably up against the
whole freaking nightclub. Yep, more than likely.
I mean, I don't know. I hadn't thought that far ahead.
You were gonna have to start making up animals.
You see, the Guinea pig is a small capybara.
It only exists to give it scale. And the capybara is 10 stores
tall and made thick, leathery hot.
Come in. Yes, Doctor, You wanted to see
me? Ah, yes, Paul, please come in.
I had a few questions for you. Yeah, Doctor, what's what's
going on? First off, who are these fucking
idiots that you've got in my labyrinth there?
You told me to go get some people to to do your secret
mission thing. And this is what you brought me.
Yeah, I'm sorry. It's kind of slim pickings out
here on the out in the hole, you know?
Well, I suppose we'll see if these three work out.
All right, Paul, you may leave.