Greedy scum. Welcome to flail the face.
I'm Kevin. I'm still in the big boy chair
and I'm surrounded by these lunatics.
Hello. Hello, my name is Levi, I'm
playing Phil. I'm Thomas, I'm playing Quill
Knock. And I'm Walt, and I'm in the
high. Chair and I'm Jake and I'm in
the low chair. I guess we flail, flail, flail.
Flail. Last we left these guys, they
got to Eiger, Thorne met up with Roxik and town leader erm, Phil
decided to make his presence known and his demands for Dino
Nuggies known. They end up going back to the
house that the Arch rogue has inherited, found somebody
squatting in there, quickly took care of that and woke.
Woke up to the town screaming bloody myrrh that all the
children are gone and everybody focusing on the new people in
town. Proxy and Grin tried to
facilitate between erm and the party and Cephalus Syphilis
volunteered that the party to go into the the forest of Star Cash
to try to find the lost and or abducted children.
After days travel they got into the forest and found themselves
at a crossroads and then camped for the night and that's where
we left them. So day has broke, you know.
What that means? I mean, yeah, we know what that
means. We.
Roll that misery. Somebody roll AD 20.
It's AD 20. Oh, I'll touch AD 20.
That's like way more changes for me not to fuck up right?
Why am I afraid? Natural 20.
I started to, yeah, the moment I heard natural, I'm like, yeah.
And it's over. Sorry kids.
Yeah, surprise. All right, so you guys avoided a
misery. Now it's time to roll the
weather. See what the weather's going to
look like. Somebody roll A12 side.
That's a 7. You guys are actually woken up
by another thunderous cloud burst, rain pouring down on you.
I'm. Good, I have a tent.
Perfect. And it's it's really starting to
completely flood the area that you guys are in, making it
really hard to figure out which way to go.
You guys did have two paths, one to the left and one to the other
way. Which way would you guys like to
go? The rain running through the
crevices on my face feel, feel like it, you know, wet in the
dry canyons. It's very nice.
Maybe they can get rid of some of those oozing parts of your
body. Maybe I'm not too worried about
that, but I know one thing. We don't go the other way.
Never right feel. Oh yeah, we always go left.
Right. Correct.
Sometimes we go into a lot of circles.
We got lost quite a bit. Right.
It's, it's easier on the way you're going to take a left than
it is to take a right because the, the fucking, the physics of
the body is in the back. And that just becomes a natural
thing of habit for us to be. The way we work.
You load the bias for you the left.
Yeah, we should probably just be going then.
OK, Yeah. All right, so you guys head to
the left, trudging through the muck in the mud, trying not to
trip over the overgrown root system.
After about four or five hours, you guys come to another
clearing that opens up just a little bit.
Somebody roll me AD 43. Go ahead and roll me AD 3.
Do you guys hear that? It's the sound of random chance
happening. Strangest thing?
I got a 2. Two what?
Snake eyes perfect. And now everybody roll me AD 12.
Oh. Boy, all the ones I have a 11.
I got a nine. All right.
And what'd you get there? Well.
Fine, just said you died. It's weird.
Oh, that's these dice. I also got an 11.
All right. So do do you guys think this
rain's ever going to stop? It's really hard to burn
anything this much water around. Oh, it's good to keep the metal
on my armor shiny. Yeah, and maybe get a little
that crusty ass rag. You know, for some reason, look
at it, it sticks out like a pole.
Fucking taint is water. Always hard.
Yeah, gross. You want to touch it.
No, absolutely not. It's not that bad.
It's a great canopy. Yeah, no, fantastic.
Nope. Sounds like a bunch of Lincoln
Logs rolling around together when you move it though.
As you guys get into this clearing, you notice that there
seems to be two small mammals tearing apart a body, something
they haunted down. But you'll notice that even
though they're like small mammal creatures, they have these weird
malformed, knotted up antlers. And upon further inspection, you
notice that there doesn't seem to be a lot of fur, like it's
kind of patchy fur, but you can kind of see through the skin,
kind of see like like organs and stuff through it.
And they really haven't taken much notice to you.
They're about the size of a fox and they're just kind of ripping
apart with a bird. Cephalus.
Those look like jackalopes, yeah.
Pain. Getting kind of hungry too.
Go get it. What you mean look at me boy,
I'm all broken. Busted.
I got 1. Hand to throw.
I'm going to try to throw him at a Jackal.
Good. Not put me down.
Yeah, that's frankly less of a loss if he goes and dies trying
to fight these things. Hey, I'm.
Going to try to recently fucking possibly wiggle my way out of
his. Ted Buddy who Peck his eyes.
Ted Buddy's on breast pit right now.
No, he's good. You healed him.
I am not putting him in any danger at this moment.
Hold on. I guess opposing drink checks.
Oh God, can I? Got a 14.
Can I change my mind? I just.
Look at my statue. Oh God.
You got a OK, that's a six. All right, I got a 14.
OK, what do you do then? I'm.
I'm going to just Chuck up at the the Jackalope creature.
When did? OK, become an asshole.
Quolox had a rough go of it. I know.
What the fuck? All right, I guess you pick up
Cephalus and you throw it at these weird transparent flesh
antlers. I will fasten.
Your. Eyes boy, put me down.
And as you throw them and as phallus is in or syphilis,
whatever your name is, is in midair, you'll notice that both
of these fox type creatures turn their attention to you and they
have roughly about six or seven eyes on their head and they kind
of scamper back and you basically land on what they were
eating. Cool.
That was equal parts unexpected and horrifying.
Let's see what happens next. That was great form though,
honestly. God, they got so.
Many damn. Eyes.
Holy fuck I don't think I've seen this before.
You've spooked them, is what you have.
So they're kind of just standing there on edge, all eyes open,
and they're they're just petrified in fear.
I've got my cat of nine. I pulled my cat of nine tails
out. I used to work in the circus
too, boys. You better get back right now.
And I. Whip it in front of them and try
to spook them away. OK, go ahead And I guess make a
presence test. What do I need?
Standard 12. OK, I use an omen to reach that.
Do you? You OK?
So spine omen. No, no kidding.
Please do it No. So it's.
Hard to get rid of crack loss. You crack your cat of nine tails
and they back up, eyes even bigger and they open their
mouths and you there's a weird hiss but they haven't done
anything yet. They're just kind of hissing at
you. I open my mouth 1/2 inch and
hiss back. Maybe it's better to back up?
Well, yeah, I'm going to try to keep back it away from them, but
fuck these things. I'm about to give Quill Knock my
beady little fist. So are you picking yourself up
and backing up? Yeah, while doing a little whip
crack. That's my move.
What's the thing you touch that that we're eating?
I don't know, it's just a dead. I'm not focused on that, just on
not getting eaten by these weird jackalope rabbits.
So they'll kind of just like hiss at you kind of move forward
a little bit. Every time you crack they pull
back and eventually with all of this commotion they just kind of
scamper off either side and back into the forest.
Good. Leaving the the corpse.
Goodbye Fox Arthur. Goodbye, Fox.
Arthur Junior. I'm in a a.
Weird. So pink and fleshy.
Does this corpse look like it's edible?
I mean tenderized it for us. There's really not much left.
I mean, they've already eaten the guts out of it and start
picking away at the thighs and the legs and stuff, so there
might be enough for a ration. It's not worth it.
I'm going to shuffle over to quill, knock and then raise up a
pussy middle finger. I will remember that.
Syphilis will remember that. I don't know, walk past them and
keep moving and suck. Bitch fucking throwing me
around. You got to be more prepared.
Yeah, where were you, big guy? I.
Was folding up my crunchy blanket.
Yeah, apparently you're supposed to be here.
Protect me. You know you're the presence and
I'm the man, right? You you could.
Have done. Oh yeah.
Sure, and I'm still walking off into the woods.
He gets emotional in the morning.
Yeah, I guess Will Knox is going to walk over to Grimm.
I thought he we should have seen what sort of Marshall abilities
this guy had. He showed none.
I think we did. We're in trouble.
I'm not, but you're probably fucked, yeah.
I know an assassination attempt when I see one.
All right. As you guys continue on
throughout the day, you tread your way through the the muddy,
mucky forest floor with all the foliage and bruise and stuff,
and you'll come to another fork that seems to be going to the
right and then to the left. This is the part where you tell
us about your wagon again. No, but all that talking about
circles it got me a little worried about.
Falling the law the. Whole time we're out here.
Somebody roll me AD 4. Make make that quill not God do
it. Fuck him.
It's a 3. As you guys come up to the fork,
you notice that there is a another animal corpse.
This one looks more like a deer that's been chewed on, and
you'll notice that some of the entrails have been just drug on
either direction going down the path.
It still seems fresh though. Phil, stick your head inside the
body cavity and see if there's any treasure in there.
This, this home, it's made for the sun to shine on.
We don't cover it up like that. Yeah, he.
Doesn't totally do that. Don't worry, I'm I'm one aware
of. Bodies and I stick my fist in
there and I just kind of reach around and start shoving my arm
more and more inside the body looking for whatever I'm looking
for the for the heart or maybe something else in there.
I don't know. Yeah.
OK, as you reach your arm in there, you realize that the the
body's not warm, but it's not cold like it's been recently
killed. And you can you can tell that
the all the entrails have already been pulled out and the
eyeballs have been eaten and but as you reach in there, you still
feel like the lungs and the heart they.
But they're not warm. They're lukewarm.
Yeah, we'll go loop that's. That out too long.
Yeah, like, like a body that's been out there in the rain for,
I don't know, a good couple of hours.
I'll look up that Grim and. There ain't no treasure in
there, but I can tell you that the body's been dead for about
an hour or two hours. Yeah, I can hold my hand.
Up on your face. It's really weird how
comfortable you were doing that. I work with bodies.
That's our job. Yeah, we work with bodies.
Yeah, but going elbows deep in one?
Some, sometimes they got tricked.
You know, there, there's a, there's one village I went back
to and they were, they were doing all this stuff with this
like horses and their hooves making some sort of sticky
stuff. And they would smell it and they
were smuggling it out in there and they would hide it inside of
their bodies. I made a killing selling, you
know, just RIP their bodies open, pull out the drugs.
They'd kill them, sell them outside.
That's why you always check. I'd just start walking down the
path. Where's your complaints?
Back story, motherfucker. That was a whole lot of insight
I wasn't interested in learning. Thank you are.
You all trying to kill me so I'm trying to get my story out
quick. Speaking of path Quillnock, it's
got a fork of the road again, as it seems to go either straight
or to the left. You know to despite these other
guys, I'm going to go to the right.
Oh. Go go in straight.
Bold and dangerous. All right.
As the day goes on, are you guys following by any chance or are
you just still fisting the corpse there?
Oh no, I ripped that out a while ago.
I got the temp check. One and done.
Regardless of where they go, I'm going with quilt knock.
It seems safer, or at least cleaner.
If you plunge twice, you're playing with it.
And words to live by. Thank you again for far too much
information. As you guys are going, you guys
come to yet another fork. The path itself seems to be
narrowing and widening. It gets to the point where you
guys could be like two people wide and then down to where
you're squeezing sideways down through the path, not making
very good time being as the four is all route ridden and now
muddy is all hell. And then you guys yet again come
to another fork. Greg going roll me AD 4.
D42. Who's in the lead on this?
It'll be cool, Knock. Well, knock.
All right, cool. Knock.
Go ahead, roll me AD 4. 4. Oh, all right, Quill Knock, go
ahead and roll me AD 12. 5. Roll me four more D twelves.
What is going on? Jeez. 11116.
All right, And he's dead. Did you guys see that Quillenock
was walking in the knee? He just stopped for like the
space of like say 8 die rolls. He just stopped and didn't do
anything or say anything. See his.
Eyes roll in the back of his head.
I wonder what he. Sees just shut up.
There's something here ahead of us.
What do you mean I don't see nothing?
Bill pull back my eyelids. They're crossing over again.
I don't. Want to just get this guy some
little close clips or something that's for real?
Pin him back. Pin him up to the the eyebrows,
maybe? Speaking of rich people, what,
what do you got on you? You got any, you got any secret
weapons or anything of importance that might protect
us? I don't know.
Wait, that was my weapon? I pull out The Dirty little
stuffed teddy bear that I picked up off the ground in town, and I
wave one of his paws at him. I'm sure that'll come in head.
Oh. God, you.
Have no idea. Looks a little crunchy.
Yeah, why does it got that? Well, not as crunchy.
Not as crunchy as that. You know what?
I'm going to see what Quill Knock is doing.
All right, well knock. As you get into this clearing
you notice something that catches your eye.
It's like 3 glowing masses. As you get closer it looks like
they're roughly massive size dogs but they have just weird
glow to them, kind of like mushrooms.
And as you walk into the area you notice that not only are
they glowing, but they seem to have four extra limbs per dog.
And as they turn to you, they have these weird extra eyes on
stalks I. Think I speak for everyone when
I say that I hate everything about this.
Cephalus. Cephalus.
Yeah, It's the glowing gut dogs. I'm Galgenbeck.
Yeah, get them and I'm gonna try and throw them together.
Oh, no, no. Don't do it.
No, no. They want to be hold them.
Down, motherfuckers. Leave them alone.
These dogs seem angry. They probably smelled Cephalus.
Roll Initiative. No, it's them I.
Blew all my luck on the misery roll.
Fuck, how are we going to do this?
Use your fucking bird and hide. What's the marching order, by
the way? By the by.
I think I was behind Quill Knock.
Okay, and I'm stopping. Quill knock from touching.
Syphilis. So then it would be filling.
Okay, as you guys get into this clearing, you startle these
dogs. You notice that they're glowing.
And as they're getting more aggravated, the glowing is
becoming more intense. And the eye stocks all turn and
focus on you. And two of them rush, one at
Quillnock and one at Grin, and the third one stays back.
So now Quillnock, go ahead and make a defense role.
That is not successful. OK, this one is actually going
to try to bite at you, and it did, so go ahead.
It's going to be AD 4. Four damage and my armor.
Oh. So I only take 2.
OK, so it it comes in and it well tell me how it bites it.
Yeah. So basically I have my back
turned to it as I'm trying to reach for Cepalis.
OK. And as I'm reaching it, like
comes up and like grabs like digs its teeth into like my
upper arm and just like starting to do the the dog thrashing.
Gotcha. All right, grin this the second
one is coming towards you. Go ahead and defend against.
Yeah, I didn't. OK, all right, D4D4 it got a
four and Oh, my armor roll is a 2, so OK, I take 2.
That is 2/3 of my health gone. Oh good.
Gravy. How does this one get you?
Not that you're dead or anything.
Not yet. Not yet.
It grabs on to one of my peg legs and starts yanking and
jerking and twisting. Well, no.
A bad dog, no fetch, you horrible fucking thing.
Quit touching his Dicks. All right.
And then the third one, Jake, go ahead and roll me AD 2 odd as
you even is going to be Phil. Fuck.
That's me. Is that all right?
So this third one, it opens its mouth and it sprays this glowing
liquid at you. Go ahead and defend against
that. Like actually, you know what?
Make an agility test to get out of the way.
I need the omen to re roll. OK, it's OK.
It did sound painful. He's the one that you use,
Warrior. I pull up my hands and I peel
back my eyelids a little bit and take this full in the face.
What? Is that?
What is it doing? Do you have armor?
I do, yes. The bug armor.
OK, the flies. It is AD 6 damage and it knocks
down a tier of armor. It's flies though.
It scares all the flies away. I got a.
Six wait, was the. Damage.
Damage is D6. It doesn't matter bro.
D2D2 armor. It does not fucking.
Matter. Do you got a shield?
I have my bird. That could be like a shield.
Do you want to use Ted Buddy fan favorite as a shield?
To block. This spray but you only have one
do. You break your best attribute to
survive. Or he could just keep playing
the bird after he died. Oh.
My God, you know what? After taking that, after taking
that, or just before, I take a blast to the.
Fuck, fuck. Syphilis dies here.
He dies here. Oh, thank God.
How do, how does this affect me? And in my dying words, I'll,
I'll tell you what happens. Like, is this acid spray?
What's going on? What It is a toxic spray.
So it's as the dog sprays this toxic spray onto you, it's
basically the mixture of having hot oil and battery acid just
blasted right into your face and it starts deteriorating your
eyeballs and your flesh and your teeth.
Thankfully your pox are still intact.
Cool. Oh my boyfriend.
Oh God, my fuck, my friend. That is a boy.
Come here, Phil. I I'll touch him this one time.
I'm not going to make it. And I I collapse into his arms
like he's holding me. He's kneeling and holding my
body and I look up at him and I reach up at his face.
I need you to do one thing for me, Phil.
What's that? Take care of get buddy.
Oh, how tragic. And then a boil explodes on his
face. Ropes.
I take back everything. Can I surrender Ted buddy to
fill? You may absolutely surrender Ted
buddy to fill and you may play Ted buddy if you want to.
How the? Fuck, am I going to?
You shouldn't just sacrifice the fucking bird.
I'll play, I will play Ted Buddy the bird for now, OK.
Feels. So good.
I mean, oh, fuck. All right, I guess it's good.
Your guys's turn. There's three dogs there and
they are glowing and they are biting and they are spraying.
Or at least one of them. Gross.
Let's go first. I'll try dealing with the one
that is currently engaged with me.
I would certainly hope you would.
I'm going to go ahead and open that.
OK. Reroll.
OK. That's a 13.
That will hit. OK, do 2 damage.
And you didn't kill it, It is pretty well ruined it.
But how? How do you get him?
So basically how I hit him is he was still like attached on my
upper arm. So I just had like my Warhammer
and I'm just like awkwardly like swinging it off my shoulder.
I just basically club it in the head a few times and get it off
of my arm. Got it.
And every time you hit it in the head, all the weird eyes on the
eye stocks kind of go cross eyed and give me AD 2.
One, he let's go to he doesn't Two, OK, he's still latched on
to you, but he's he's not doing too good.
He's a little concussed, if you will.
Graham, you've got one gnawing on your peg leg.
What do you want to do? I pull up my short sword and I
stab it. I would like to see him try.
I would too. OK.
That is a oh, that's a natural 20.
Oh, OK. Delicious.
Fantastic. I roll the two, so that's four
damage. OK, tell me how you do it.
Just jab straight forward and down, get them right through the
shoulder between the dog clavicle and the dog shoulder
blade and sink it right into the torso.
I know this hurts for you. Milk Bone.
As you stab through said glowing puppy, the light that it's
emanating sort of like dims and keeps dimming and then shuts off
and it just lays there dead. Hooray, that didn't take much.
No it didn't. Fuck you guys should try harder.
Phil and Ted buddy, which one would like to do what to this
one that took out Cephalus? Ted Buddy's a crow, right?
Yes. Yes.
I want to rummage through my my dead boyfriend's pockets for his
medicine box. And then you want to do that
right now. And then I want to throw his
body at this. You have this weird eye
creature. OK, I'm going to say that it's
not going to be a role for you to go through the corpse of
your. I know where.
Recently departed, actually, I know you do.
Every boy. But has been accounted for.
Every seeping pot OK, but I'm going to have you make a
strength role to throw the body to the duck.
Fuck you. Well I don't want to get
anywhere near that poison ruin my armor.
That is a dirty trucks top. 20 OH.
My. Carpet.
Why am I getting chucked everywhere?
Well, you had to come in handy somehow.
All right, you pick up the body, you heave it to the dog.
Dog does not dodge, so go ahead and make.
I don't. Know what is AB2 Heaved body
damage? Improvised weapon?
Sure. D4 Go for it.
One damage. OK, so do my boyfriend.
All the pustules rupture and soften the blue.
Over my head. Love it at this.
Creature. Ted Buddy's going to swoop in
after the the body. Ted Buddy probably assumes that
he's still alive because he's moving through the air and
attacking this thing. So Ted Buddy swoops in to help
out his his master. OK, go ahead and roll an attack.
I'm gonna say D10 just for the fact that it's distracted slash
crushed under the body of of. Yeah, OK.
We we know. Ted Ted Buddy's a fucking.
Moron, I got a. Three all right, so as you swoop
through body lands on the dog and a spray of plus comes up and
kind of creates like a mist almost that Ted Buddy couldn't
see through so good. And then I'm assuming you fly
off with that. Somebody rolled me initiative.
I'll do it. That's a four.
All right, who's going first? I'm going to run in with my
side. OK, towards which one?
Going for vengeance on the spitter.
The spitter it is. All right.
Please roll that beautiful damage.
I don't attack. I don't attack very good.
I got all right, all right. So as you're coming in, the
floor's super muddy and you kind of lose your footing and make a
wide swing. Mud and rain.
Delicious. All right, who's next?
I'll go with with Quill not continuing with the one that is
still attached to my arm. I got a 12. 12 will hit.
Five damage. Tell me how you do it.
Basically after like kind of like awkwardly trying to knock
him back with the warhammer and stuff, I instead just like turn
and like charge at a tree and crush it between my arm and the
body of the tree. Beautiful.
And with the crushing sound of the bones and toxic SAC in its
throat bursting, it just falls down dead right at the base of
the tree. Beautiful.
Who's next? I'll take a swing on the last
one. Okey dokey, the one that's
underneath us phallus. Yes.
It's not going to give me any kind of penalty since it's kind
of got cover. Sort of fuck it, I stabbed
through him. He's not going to know.
Yeah, you know what? I'm not.
I like it. Yeah.
No penalty. That is an 18. 18 will hit. 6.
Tell me how you do it. Just stab straight down through
Cephalus and through Glowy Dog and pin them both to the ground
all right and as. You stab through cephalus, you
rupture yet more of these festering pots, and it just kind
of drains down onto the dog and you notice that the dog's glow
just starts to diminish into nothing.
Pox disgusting. That's how my second cousin
died. Well, better take a break.
Welcome back to Flail Face. Last we left these fucking guys,
they let Cephalus die, threw his corpse around, took out some
glowing toxic spraying dogs with weird extra eyes on stalks and
extra limbs, and they're all dead.
Of the dogs that is. And now we have an impasse.
There's a looks like a route that goes towards the right, and
then one that goes straight. What do you guys want to do
actually? Actually actually, it looks like
it's actually starting to get dark.
The rain is still pounding down. You guys are at a crossroad
right now. Probably would be about the time
where you guys would want to bed down for the nights.
I was going to suggest taking a rest anyway.
If if I were to quantify how I feel, I'd say I'm at one out of
three hit points. Yeah.
Looking a little rundown there. I feel just fine.
You would. How's old Ted buddy doing?
15 years, me and my boy, my boyfriend, he was the best of
us. The Archbroke's crew is just not
holding. Up.
Oh, he was. He was great.
He could really toss a body. Back in his prime.
OK. I'm glad Tommy's not here to see
this. Poor old Tommy would be sad
about the whole situation. All right, so night starting to
fall. It's really hard to tell when
day night is being as it's been raining the whole time and the
canopy of the forest is really keeping the light out.
But you, you feel pretty well beat up, pretty well haggard
from the night, so probably be best to take a CS if you will.
Night falls, y'all wake up the next day.
Oh please, I. Was going to say I was going to
take a watch because, you know, we just fought a bunch of
glowing dogs. We got a stinking corpse over
there. Might say let's burn it, but
everything's soaking wet. We all sort of have any oil or
any any anything. That's where somebody had a
Lantern. Yeah, but we used all of it up
during that first day. Oh yeah, that'll happen.
Mysterious man in the woods. You know his pus is probably
very flammable. I don't want to smell that, hey.
Who? Who?
Who nobody wants to smoke. Who's got a Flint and steel?
We could. We could try.
And that help. What?
No, just I've got, I got this piece of paper, yo, with no
writing on it. That's all I got.
Somewhere Flint and steel. How the hell did we think it was
Lantern? Oh, wait, no, I did OK.
Yeah. OK.
I look back in my sheet again. Yeah, I did.
Are you going to try to? Light, yeah.
Let's go ahead and try to light some of these.
What? Of course.
Yeah, like trying to light syphilis.
I hold my. I hold my crunchy.
Blanket above just so it stops from the rain.
I'm going to say the first spark that you get off of that Flint
and seal ignites that pock ridden body of Cephalus up and
it just roars like daylight. It is the brightest thing you
guys have seen ever. I thought it was.
Bright. It's because of all the the.
Crevices, remember I kept saying that was dry.
I'm like a fucking ripe log. I'm ready to burn.
Just as a log full of SAP, every time it gets to another point in
your body, it just bursts with another another slot.
The the stench I really. Thinking this was a bad idea
like. Jet fuel.
The stench is just horrific. It is almost bad enough where
everyone feels like they're going to vomit, OK?
Well, it's gonna chase off predators, so.
You know, all like it smells this metal.
As you guys are sparking up the body of your former compatriot
there, you notice that there's a bunch of glowing eyes out in the
the surrounding tree line, and you hear the crunching of heavy
footsteps coming towards the light.
I don't like this. This is how everyone in my
family reunion died. Jake, Who do they see?
Oh God, oh God, hold on, I'm a little thrown off now.
You're going to see this young man is named Artie, and he is an
indomitable Mountaineer. He's dressed up like he's on a
safari with one of them safari hats with the hard top on it,
the Round Top. He's got really big, thick
glasses on. I have bad presence.
I have -2 So I got some, got some glasses going on here and.
Glasses are all the fucked up. Yeah, and I'm like, I'm very
short and kind of heavy set, so I'm more like Danny DeVito.
Always with the Danny DeVito. All right, Do you guys see this
short rotund Coke bottled? Eyeglass figure, walk up.
Oh good, another lock for the fire.
No I don't burn quite as well actually I could see this for a
mile away. So I was wondering if you wanted
to sit down, maybe enjoy a drink out of my my moccasins and have
some stores do? You want us to drink out of your
shoes? How weird.
We could try your shoes. The Every chew has a different
taste. No, next.
Let's get the next audition in here.
Who? Who?
Are you? Oh, the name is Artie.
I'm an adventurer. Nice.
Nice to meet you. I'm Phil.
Hi, Phil. Why are you out here?
Because, well, I'm looking for the next big mountain.
But as you can see, it's been raining a lot and my glasses and
I. Kind of.
Move them around. On my nose.
They fog up so I've been lost for a long time because I can't
even check the sundial, you know, no sun.
I do have s'mores though, mind if I don't yet?
And I'm going to saddle up on a log, drag it over to the the
fire. Yeah, and then get a stick and
then put some rations on it and hold it over the fire.
This fire is just emanating this foul scent off of the tube being
as as you get closer you notice it is a body that is just
completely engulfed and it is the the whitest hottest flame
you've seen in your life. You've really got to hold those
rations back a little bit. Now the trick is to turn it.
You don't want it to burn too quick, that is.
Oh. Yeah, that's that's my
boyfriend. OK.
Good for you. Yeah.
What he burns hot, he's always. Fucking I'm going to bed and
then crawl into my tent. Yeah, I'm like, OK, I I need
space for this too. Green.
You got room in there? No.
Too bad. No, there's only room for me and
Tedward, and I show him the bear.
The bear waves at him with a little arm.
Yeah, I grab the bear, throw it aside, and I crawl in him.
Hey, hey asshole, I crawl out after Tedward.
Oh don't worry Grim, you can use my blanket.
No, no, no. 1000 times no over a branch.
No, just no. I'm.
Going to make a lean to over something I guess whatever roots
I can find and pull a body over it.
Yeah, there's probably some branches that have broken off
and I'm sure you could probably skin the the dogs that were
there. No, we're not spending time
with. I'm just going to sleep, Sir.
I'm just going to pull this body over these roots and do some
Predator bullshit like I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger.
OK, weird voice out in the middle of the forest.
It's just going to fade. I slice the dog open and gut it
and crawl inside and sleep there.
Perfect. All right, so as all this
happens, the next day approaches.
I feel so refreshed. As well you should.
Everybody roll all the stuff. If you have omens, missing hit
points, all that sort of stuff, Somebody roll me.
Oh, that's right, a Misery. Somebody roll me a Misery D12.
Do it. Do it 10.
All right, let's D10 tomorrow and as you guys wake up somebody
weather if you'd be so kind. 6. As you guys wake up, this body
that you lit on fire last night still still going, it is still
brighter than the sun. It is roaring.
It's it is pretty much dried out the area that you guys are in,
almost to the point where it's like 30 feet from the center
just completely dried. Out in fact.
All of your clothing are dried out as well, almost to the point
where it's burnt but still still manageable.
But as you wake up, the rain is gone and is dead quite there's
there's not a sound be heard. Can I just start like kicking
dirt and. Stuff over the syphilis so I can
save his his hot body for the next time we need a fire.
Yes, I will allow it. I will assist you in that.
I was a scout. Oh yeah, you always put your
fires out. Yes, first you want to piss on
it and then cover it in dirt. Yeah, just cover it in dirt.
Yeah, that's the best way. Are you going to be dragging
that with you? Yeah, yeah.
I can make his sled. I know how.
Can you? I can.
The dead body sled worked out so well for us last time.
OK, you do finally put out Cephalus's body, and you notice
that there is a path that is going straight and a path that's
going towards the right. OK, who's got the highest
presence? OK, all right, grin.
Go ahead and roll me a Presence Test 13 as they're kicking dirt
and whatever on the body of your guys's fallen friend.
You do notice that the drag marks that you guys saw on the
outside of town are starting to pull.
Either way, there seems to be some torn clothing on branches,
but you guys do see that you're on the right path.
Is there a way I can help discern which way that I, I have
navigation skills I'm going to look at.
I'm going to look. I don't know if I know Grin's
name yet, so I'm going to look at grin and be like.
Hey what you looking at? Trying to figure out where to
go. Is it?
Nah, I figured it out. Did you win?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, the kids are dead.
Let's go home. What do you the kids I want?
Yeah, it's a whole complex back story.
There were some kids, now there aren't.
Cool. Are you Are you sure They're
they're they're dead? Look pretty dead to me.
There's scraps and things and drag marks that usually says
dead. You.
You the leader. You mind if I tag along?
I really don't want. To end up.
No, no to both. Unfortunately, they while the
kids may be dead, we need to at least verify it.
So who's in charge here? I gotta.
Just go with the flow, you know? Jake, go ahead and make a
present test. Usually it's this guy who keeps
popping out of the woods and telling us things and the
disappearing again. Bro it did not matter is a four.
All right, so as as you're looking down either path, you
can also notice that there's the drag Marks and scraps of
clothing and but it looks like it both paths have those
features, so. I say we're already on this
path, let's just keep going straight.
Yeah, you'll hump up. You got a little little smudge
there on your armor. No.
Right there. Oh, right there.
I'm going to lick my crunchy blanket and try to wipe it off.
I'm leaving. I am too.
All right. So you guys are going to go
straight? I don't want to get devoured on
the trail so I'm going to follow these guys.
All right. Come on already this way.
Oh my God, you remembered my name.
Oh I like the cut of your jib. How are you with weapons?
What's that? Oh boy.
Oh no. I have this this spoon.
That's it. The next thing we run into, I'm
throwing them at it. How are you as a weapon?
All right, so as you guys start trudging through, it is just
ridiculously quiet, like any thoughts in your head is almost
too intrusive. And as you guys walk through the
path itself is coming in to barely so that you'd have to
side shoot me through and opening up to at least two
people's shoulders worth. And as you guys come to yet
another crossing, you notice that there are Jake.
Roll me D4. Roll me D6, Jake. 3.
And I need 4D twelves. Out of transparency, I created a
table for encounters through the forest.
The last time we had to roll 4D12 it got Cephalus killed
9/11. 5:00 and 12:00 all. Right.
So Artie, where are you coming from?
Oh, you know, from here and there, my biggest thing that
I've ever done is I, I once climbed the Mount Bothell.
I think that was the place I might have been Mount Everest,
I'm not sure. But I've climbed, I've climbed
so many mountains. I've also been in the scouts
for, you know, 25 plus years. It's the scouts of the of the
swamplands, you know, So I'm well versed in in navigating and
surviving and mileage. Did you ever get your combat
badge? Well, we don't have that.
What I have is this spoon. And I'm going to brandish my
it's like an MRE spoon. It's a heavy duty plastic spoon.
That sounds very useful. I'm sure you can do so much with
that spoon. I can't wait to see it in
action. Yep, and then I'm I have my
trusty hat and. I'll take my hat off and that is
my shield with that weird bubble hard cap on it and I'll put that
back on. And my mother says that I have a
dirty mouth. Now she doesn't mean that I
swear and cuss. It's because I have the
halitosis. So whenever you whenever you
find out that I've got, you know, bad breath, just let me
know and I'll stick this bar soap in there.
Mom gave it to. Me, yeah, go ahead and do that
now that'd be. Great.
Yeah, after eating the corpse cooked s'mores last night, you
kind of eat that. Well, thank you that, but that's
my back story. As you guys walk into this
clearing, you'll notice that there's three wolves that are
kind of bedded down that as soon as that you guys walk into it,
they perk up. They don't seem aggressive at
this time, but they're on alert. Looking at them, you'll notice
that they have a bunch of open festering wounds, kind of like
how Cephalus aggressive piece had.
But their skin is also transparent, so you can kind of
see the muscle and the sinew as well.
And in the back you notice instead of there being like an
actual tail, it looks like a big matted up club.
They're on alert, but they're not being outwardly aggressive
towards you guys. I'm going to pull on quilt
knocks. Sleeve.
I've seen these before. If you're really quiet, they're
alert to smells and sounds. I think you should go first.
Just gently walk by them. I think you should go 1st and
show us how to do it since you're so familiar, no?
Sorry, weather is still kind of muggy.
Glasses are all. Right, okay, great.
And I'm going to grab him by like the scruff of his neck and
just like drag him behind me. It's better than getting thrown
I guess. As you walk towards them,
dragging already behind you, the wolves create like a wall and
start pushing up against you. But they're still not being
aggressive. They're being more territorial,
kind of Starling and growling, but they're not outwardly being
aggressive towards you guys. I'm going to like continue like
trying to like go around them. As you move around, they're
basically just creating a wall that they don't want you to get.
Past I would like to pick up a stick from the ground.
I will allow it. Is it your leg?
No, I thought about that but no, I need that for walking and
other important. Things, OK, that's fair.
Then I I whistle at the wolves. Okay, wolves.
Hey, wolves over here now fetch. And I threw the stick.
All right, this works. Go ahead and make the.
Represses tests. Well, if you insist, I do.
Luckily, that's my good stat. That is a 17, a nine and an 18.
OK, so. As you catch their attention and
you throw the stick off into the woods, two of them look at each
other and then bolt off and the third one stands there holding
his ground looking real intimidating but defensive like
it really is trying to keep you guys from getting past it.
A. Dick wow here wolf fetch and I'm
going to try and throw arty over I'm.
Going to try to wrap my arms around him as tight as possible.
I would love to have a string check from each of you.
Jesus. Fuck, damn it. 7. 10 Jesus.
Christ. All right, so as you go to try
to throw arty, he's grabbed onto you and just the weight of him
and his armor has thrown you both off your balance, not
necessarily fall to the ground, but not standing up fully.
That didn't work. You can just shoot them away,
boy. Yeah, you can.
Just why I went for the stick. Jesus Christ, I'm trying to
throw. I just met you guys.
You tried to feed me the wolves already.
I'm going to brandish. This spoon at quill, knock and
then turn around and then charge at this wolf that's remaining.
Perfect. Hey, win, win.
I will have you roll initiative. Cord, that's us, I stabbed.
That is. You with the spoon?
You stabbed this wolf with a spoon.
I would have stabbed you. Try. 14, motherfucker. 14 will
hit yes. My spoon does D6 damage.
By the way. Whoa, fuck.
I got a six. I got a. 6 Jesus Christ.
It does D2 for a thick hide. OK, I did 4 damage.
All right, this wolf being spooned.
Oh yeah, I, I turn and jump on on top of that wolf, because
it's facing us, right? Yes.
So I just I leap on top of that wolf's face with the spoon and
start gouging at the eyes. All right as you go and gouge
out the eyes, you get one of them.
You pop it right out it it seems like you got in there further
than the eye socket and. Got some meat with that sauce?
Yeah, you got some meat with that sauce, but he is not happy.
What would the rest of you monsters, I mean monsters like
to do? He does serve a purpose and I'm
just going to walk back and continue.
That. Motherfucker.
OK. Follow Quilt Knock.
OK. Wow, little buddy, that's
impressive. And I'm going to come in with my
sight and just going to drag it against the wall.
OK, go ahead and make it attack. Is it?
Tell me it is what I think it is.
I can't see it. There's a glare.
Is that a natural one? Please.
It's a natural one. You got any omens?
My omens are special, I can only use them on my armor.
Oh my God. I.
Fuck. So as you go to scrape this site
across the wolf, it catches one of the roots and as you're going
by it, it it catches and stops you.
And the wolf, having one of its eyes gouged out, turns its head
and it opens its mouth and you see this weird proboscis shoot
out at you. Go ahead and roll a defense roll
DR12. Mine's a 14.
What is that? What am I rolling?
Agile. Yes, Sir.
That's a fail. All right, you're going to go
ahead and take D6 damage. Two damage minus.
OK. You're invincible.
Come on. What are you?
Give me that what are? You doing?
Sorry. All right.
OK, I cancelled out the damage. OK, go ahead and make me a
toughness test DR12HE. Will not how you think they're
doing back there? They can handle themselves.
Did you see the way he went with that spoon?
That reminds me, you know what I could go for right now?
Ice cream sundae. Doesn't that sound good?
Ice cream sundae? Well, not.
Sounds delicious. Yeah, go ahead and roll me AD 6.
Why? Oh, that's a four.
All right as you walk by and catch the scythe on the route,
you feel a piercing in your side and all of a sudden you feel
something humped into your body roll me AD 4 we're.
Getting Jumanji. It's those fucking plants, the
two. OK, thank you.
You feel these 4 masses that are just implanted underneath your
skin. You're a dad now.
Foreskin OK. And we'll find out what happens
later. You're it is, it's it's turn
now. So it's got both of you guys in
front of it. Odds is Jake even is Levi.
Levi being as this this wolf has got his proboscis stuffed into
you, is going to try to inject more eggs into your body.
There's. So much of syphilis around,
there's got to be some of you got your boyfriend's.
Go ahead, give me another toughness test, DR12.
Because he's already attached. Yep.
Oh, the three the. 3 Give me AD 6. 4 You feel another four
things shut. Really tight now.
Yeah, jut right into your body and give me another D4.
Why two? OK, that's the same I'm.
I'm still kind of disturbed at how Levi took the note that he
has foreskin masses. And now what is it?
How many more? You have a total of eight eggs
implanted into your body. 8 skin masses, OK, yes.
Is this from your doing? I have two foreskins.
They're masses and it's preoccupied with what it's doing
now. So initiative.
Gross, man. Whoever is engaged with Stead
Wolf. Oh God.
All right, 3. All right, pump me up, Give me
some more juices. Give me more.
I want this thing to just explode my body.
Oh my God. It pulls the proboscis out of
your body and it actually goes for a bite attack on Artie.
Go Artie, go ahead and make a defense role.
Artie, you better do something. I don't feel so good.
I feel a little stuffed. No.
I use an Omen. OK.
Oh. My God, I use an omen to reduce,
so I succeed. OK, as it as it lunges towards
you to to bite you, it ends up missing, catching its feet on
the roots. Your guys's turn, whoever's
engaged with it. OK, question.
Yes, Sir. Since I rolled that natural one,
is my sight stuck in this? Whatever.
You could probably free it on this turn.
I would like to do that please. OK.
I will allow you to free it on this turn.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Who's next? Who's next?
Stop and look back at what these two are doing.
I suppose we should probably go help them grin.
Why They're already as good as Dead I.
Feel pregnant for some reason? OK, we're definitely not going
back. Keep walking.
I thought I was walking. I'm so.
Stuffed get. That thing off of you All right,
I I turn around and I run back with my Warhammer.
What's wrong with? Him, Jesus, God.
I think I see a Denny's on the head.
Wouldn't you rather go there? I've got a omen to re roll.
All right. I got 12. 12 bull hits.
Three damage. All right, you can't possibly
not kill him. Tell me how you do it.
So well, what is this? Well, Phil is just like
struggling with all of his new masses and we got already just
kind of there freaking out. I just like I'm on my windmill,
slammed my hammer down and it just cracks the dog and it just
spills gore over the two of them.
And then as it's just like kind of dripping down, I just like
turn around, shake my hammer once and continue back down the
path. That was great form, so good.
Yeah, he's a leader, huh? Oh man, I need to take this
chest plate off quick. I'm.
Going to take my chest plate off.
Does this look like it's getting infected I.
Hey everybody, Kevin at the envy episode.
This episode features The Adventure I Gothorne by Kevin
Welch, which can be found in the Merck Borg anthology Journey
through the Dying Lands, released through Madness Heart
Press with Levi playing Phil, The Fugitive Night by All Eyes
no Game, Thomas playing Quill, not the Profane Survivor by
Jared Barnes of the adult Ossuary, Jake playing Cephalis,
the Corpse Plunderer by Harkenstone and already been
domitable about Mirror by Drew Go Scone and Walt reprising his
role as Grin, the Gutterborn scum.
Check out all these cool things and the respective X slippers.
More port entries in the description accompanying this
episode. And while you're at it, check us
out on our social medias, our Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,
Blue Sky and Thread, and wherever you listen to podcasts,
make sure to rate, review, and share with all of your friends
so we can get out there to more people.
While we're at it, if you haven't already, please check
out our sister podcast, The World Standard.
With that, thanks for listening and we'll catch you guys next
time. You clean your microwave once a
month. You're a fucking monster.
I don't microwave very often. OK, so every every.
Sounds like you do. No, I I cook like four or five
days a week. OK, So when it's an easy day,
usually on Monday recordings, you know, if we got that spicy
nugs, I nuke that shit. I don't got time for waiting
around. Bro nobody got time for that.
No air fryer. It's time you bring your box of
spicy nugs. You hand them off the Nate as
you come through the door and say hey, be a sweetheart and
cookies for me. No.
You know what? Be a doll, give them a wink,
slap on the ass. I'll just bring the air.
Fryer. Thanks, Cheap.
Next session we have together, I'm just going to bring the air
fryer and set it up for you. Yeah, so we can just hear this.
Whoa. And then a.
Levis nugs are done. Yeah, you for 2 1/2 minutes,
that's all you need. That's.
The 7th misery right there, Levis nugs.
Fucking soggy spicy nugs. Yeah, yeah.
Stouston Ranch. Now ran I'm a.
Mustard guy. I'm a mustard guy.
The only time your chicken should be wet is in a salad.
Fuck, fuck the ranch. I'm tired of ranch.
Ranch just nasty. Get out of the Midwest, fucking
animal. I'm not a mustard.
Mustard is life bro. Pizza.
Everything. Rots.
What, you put mustard on pizza? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Back to being a monster. Back to being a monster.
Is it is it the same pizza you warm up in your microwave?
Yeah. 100% baby. God damn, eat a hot wet sock.
Jesus Christ. I don't got time to wait around
with the ovens. 20 minutes to Preheat, then another fucking
15. I'm hungry you.
Now you know that was Pele's first draft for Misery 7 Seven
and lo, the pizza and the Dino nuggies will be soggy and hot on
the outside, but cold on the inside, and there will be much
woe. Oh, my face hurts.
That's good. Jesus fucking fire.
There's the episode title The Corpse Fist and Reach Around.
Then that's the title of this episode.
Plunge again. If you plunge twice, you're
playing with it. If you plunge twice, you're
playing with. It Cephalus plunges twice.
He. Only plunge twice, all right.
We're going to flail.