A Fox's Guide to de Urbanisation is intended for mature
audiences. Please keep your Cubs out of the
den. I'm not sure.
Yes. Oh yes.
Oh, it's working. Finally, Holy Oracle, where do I
even begin? Just as Lucy was helping me get
my sea legs, a water slide as big as Nelson's Column appeared
out of nowhere. The branch flipped me over.
Lucy flew off to Oracle Nose where and I was puddled against
the rocks. I would have been dead if a
Beaver hadn't pulled me out and dragged me onto the riverbank.
Now, I've been walking for days now, living on berries, sleeping
in bushes. There's not a human insight.
I'm the most feral fox there ever was.
I'm invincible, baby. I'm bloody starving, actually,
right? What would that do?
He'd call on his fox instincts and fine protein.
He'd eat. Whatever you had to eat, he'd
eat. He'd eat worms, that's what he'd
eat. Worms.
Just dig a bit further, yes?
Let's. Fuck off.
Yes, he goes. Oh, that was.
Delicious. Nothing.
Nothing like proper country food after a near death encounter.
Why Young? Where?
Did you come from and I'm a Todd, actually.
Nice to meet you, Todd. How very Australian.
I'm Fitzgerald. Pleased to make your
acquaintance. No, my name's Rusty.
I am a Todd fully grown male fox.
No need to brag. Young Rusty Fitzgerald is not
easily impressed. Unless it's a plate of kippers
on a warm patio with a tummy rub and a sorcerer of milk for
rafters. What was that My?
Stomach. I'm starving.
The worm's the first proper meal I've had for days.
Why? This is pitiful, especially with
the epicurean delights that lie a mere 500 meters away.
The Huntsman, the pub. It's just over the bank.
You've got the good fortune to mow yourself at the foot of the
best gastro pub this side of the wide valley.
And Fitzgerald the cat is very good friends with the pot watch.
Oh, thanks, but no thanks. I don't eat human food.
I'm a wild fox. Oh really?
Then why haven't you eaten that dead bird with the maggots over
there? Oh, I'm saving it for later.
Come along, wild fox. Just stay close to the wall and
head over there by the banquet seating, left the dartboard and
wait for the door to swing open. But what about you?
I, my dear friend, and the distraction.
Oh, George, look at. That gorgeous.
Beauty. Such.
Beautiful figure. It was.
A bloody fox. It was a fox with a microphone
down the street. OK, I've reached the pub
kitchen. Oh my God.
Roast beef. No, no, I'm a wild fox.
I must be strong. I eat worms now.
This pie. Let me have it.
Come on. I'm so hungry.
Let me have it, will you? Pull yourself together old chap,
they're going to think that you are fucking rabies.
Now angle your head down, big eyes, tail up and put that damn
microphone away. It really spoils the offensive.
It showed, and I just shared an incredible fish pie.
Not as incredible as the worm, obviously.
Oh dear Rust, we can do better than works.
Stick with Fitzgerald and you will enjoy the smorgasbord of
delights that the countryside has to offer.
Thank you. But honestly, Fitzgerald, I'm
exhausted. I'm sorry.
It's just I don't think I can carry on.
Now, my dear Rust, it's not come to that.
We're just going on a little culinary tour.
My parents and I had a feast on Sundays.
Mum would collect fish pie from the bins outside the Britannia
and line them up for us. You know, and, and this tastes
just like it. You know, when you taste
something, it just takes you right?
Back and your mother and father are They're dead.
Yeah, they're both. They're both dead.
Mum died six months ago from asthma.
We blamed it on the North Circular.
It's just so congested. And I kept, I kept telling Dad
we should have moved back to the country, you know, that it was
his fault that she got sick. And he said I'd never have coped
in the wild and that him and mum made those decisions together.
But I, I didn't believe him. I, I kept pushing and pushing
and pushing until one night he just had enough and he snapped,
you know, and stormed off. And then this, this taxi, who's
who's my fault, It's all my fucking fault.
No, it wasn't. I may not have my own children,
never have been able to bring myself to do the ACT.
Truth be told, I think something's wrong with my
testicles, but I'm old enough to well.
Let me see. Come on.
Get up. Yeah.
Well, that that can't be natural.
What? You don't have any balls.
Well, I that's, that's something I'll sit with on my own time.
If you don't mind, of course. Yeah.
But as I was saying, the child is never to blame for the
parents choices. Now you can either take
Fitzgerald at his word or you can spend years in therapy.
I suggest you do the former. Thank you, but I I really think
I'm done. Nothing is worth ending.
At all. Now I need to quit this quest
and head back to London. That my dad was right and I'm
not cut out for the countryside. I could need that dead maggot
bird. And seriously, not one single
prey animal I've met has been scared of me.
They just keep helping me and I feel pathetic.
What? Quest, I thought you were going
to. Yeah, yeah, I had this whole
stupid plan of going to Deans Forest to find my dad's family,
but as I said. Dear Rust, you're in Lidbrook, a
mere hours scamper away from the Forest of Dean.
What fuck, I can actually do it. Of course you can.
This calls for a celebration to dessert.
Yes, please. What are humans doing?
They are the dancers of Morris. Watch yourself.
They're a zealous bunch. Protest.
Will you please calm down? Oh.
Sorry, Fitzgerald, I didn't realize he was with you.
Oh, we haven't seen any young Foxes about since they you know,
what season started. Rusty is from the capital.
We're off to Millie's Tea Shop for squirty cream.
Millie. I love millies.
That cream and she squirts it on your bit so you can lick it off.
That's better than a bitch on hate her.
Come along, old fellow. I can't got to keep an eye on
Gary. He's lost his Anki and is in a
right tetchy mood. OK, adios Brutus.
Painfully loyal dogs, totally lacking in social mobility.
Now that's an idea. Oh.
This place is beautiful. This is a delicate operation.
We don't want to wake Benny. She's Benny.
That's Benny. We didn't mean to wake you.
Sorry, honey. Oh God, I've highly developed by
now we're all hearing asymmetrical ear openings and a
brain specialisation which enables me to detect the
slightest whimper from you Betsy boy.
So sorry, my darling. Oh, you're all right, love.
Ever since they replaced that old bell ringer with this
enthusiastic bastard, my circadian rhythms have been
giving me chip. Well, in that case, you may as
well join us. We've come for the good stuff.
Got any laying around? Tidy.
I'm starving me. We've just had a delivery come
round the back. Get your chops round that rusty
boy. What is it?
That is what they don't tell you about humans.
They eat their own. What?
Yes, like a goddamn hamster. I don't know who this poor sword
Christ is, but they're feasting on his body like bloody
vampires. Just pop a tab on your tongue
and let it do its magic. It's.
Not going to fuck me up, is it? No love, it's spiritual like.
It like melt in my mouth. Delectable, isn't it?
But don't bother with this stuff.
They got down at some mytles, some vegan ship, no bodies.
There, were you up to fit? See.
If I can just get this metal bowl position right.
Good. Rusty, you jump up here with me
then. Usual swooping position, please.
Rusty, on the count of three, we're going to push this methods
up and flip the contents into the bowl.
OK, OK, 123. What's in it?
All that is a crack in Merlot Father Francis got on offer in
ALDI. Excellent vintage.
Give us a try. Oh, it's a bit bitter.
And a quiet taste, my dear Todd, just keep drinking.
Oh, I think it's bloody lush. I feel kind of amazing, you
know? The countryside is so full of
new experiences. What's that noise?
Oh, that is such a good tune. Is that a rave?
I fucking love a rave. Holy Oracle.
Is that my family at a rave? That's not a rave, Rusty.
It's. Let's not scare the young lad,
let's just say it's one of those new countryside.
Experiences. And that's exactly where I
should. Be stay here Rusty.
Only crazy fox will go to the forest just now.
It's dangerous. What I could handle it?
I've been to loads of raves. Look listen guys, I don't know
what you're on about, but I got split.
I can hear the dance floor cooling bits.
It's been men and you're a total ledge, Benny.
Great smoke. Thank you for listening to A
Fox's Guide to de Urbanisation. You know what's even cooler than
forest raves? Sharing this podcast with your
fellow Foxes. A Fox's guide to de Urbanisation
was created by Lisa Emily Peterson.
Episode 4 Fitzgerald's Culinary tour was ridden by Helen Bogus
and starred Max Torrinus, Rusty Daniel Newton, S Fitzgerald the
cat, Jacob Rosenman as Brutus the dog, and Evangeline Bevan as
Benny the owl. This series was directed by Dans
and Claire. Sound design, sound recording
and script editing by Farooq Sultani, produced by Lisa, Emily
Peterson, production assistants Mona and Mammasade, and Natalia
Riga. Cover art by Brendora.
Recorded at the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama.
This was an anonymous Badger creative production.
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