1 00:00:12,620 --> 00:00:17,940 Jack, it's June 4th. It's 7:31 AM I'm sitting on the 2 00:00:17,940 --> 00:00:20,580 floor. I don't know why I started 3 00:00:20,580 --> 00:00:22,500 there. Like that explains anything. 4 00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:25,540 I'm sitting on the floor beside the couch and there's the quilt 5 00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:27,500 that my mother made me halfway in my lap. 6 00:00:27,980 --> 00:00:31,900 It smells like rain and old coffee and Dennis, I should 7 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:34,620 probably wash it. I don't know if I will. 8 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,080 It feels strange to watch something just because someone 9 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,600 sat and touched it. I don't want to punish the 10 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,760 fabric for being kind. That's stupid, Jack. 11 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:47,120 It's just a blanket Dennis left about 20 minutes ago. 12 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:51,560 Or maybe 30. The clock on the wall says 731, 13 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,320 but it sits 731 when I first sat down. 14 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,760 So either I've been sitting here for exactly no time at all, or 15 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,440 the clock has decided to be dramatic in a way I do not 16 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:04,720 currently have the patience for. He woke up before me, and I know 17 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,440 that because when I opened my eyes I could hear him in the 18 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,920 kitchen. He wasn't being loud, just the 19 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,480 small sounds people make when they're trying not to become 20 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:16,720 part of someone else's house. He made coffee, or he tried to, 21 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,280 at least. It was too strong and bitter 22 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,920 enough for me to consider rude, but I drank some anyway because 23 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,520 I didn't want to tell a broken man that his abilities in the 24 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,840 kitchen were also broken. He looked awful, Jack. 25 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,680 He looked hollowed out, like somebody had taken a spoon to 26 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:36,040 the inside of him overnight and scraped until there was only 27 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:40,320 enough left to stand upright. He apologized for staying, and I 28 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,200 told him not to, and that I really didn't mind, but he 29 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:47,000 apologized anyway. He had One Cup of coffee, sort 30 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,760 of. Mostly he just held it, both 31 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,720 hands around the mug like it was something alive he was trying 32 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,000 not to drop. And then he said he had to go to 33 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,200 the shop and I told him he shouldn't work today, and he 34 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,000 said he knew that. I told him nobody would even 35 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,680 expect him to work today, and he said he knew that too. 36 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:07,280 I thought it sounded like grief coming from his mouth, and I 37 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,759 still think it does. He said if he stayed still for 38 00:02:10,759 --> 00:02:13,040 too long that he wouldn't know what he would do. 39 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:17,880 He sounded embarrassed by it, as if stillness was a bad habit, 40 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,520 that he didn't like indulging it. 41 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,600 And then he said work made sense. 42 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,320 He said that things break and you try to fix them and then 43 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,840 either they run or they don't. And I smiled when he said it 44 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:33,000 because it sounded like him, like grease and metal and 45 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,040 ordinary logic. But now I keep thinking maybe 46 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,280 that's a terrible way to talk about broken things. 47 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:41,200 I don't know. I don't know what I'm allowed to 48 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,560 think anymore, Jack. He leapt through the front door 49 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,120 and stood on the porch for a second before going down the 50 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,480 steps. I watched him from the window, 51 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,320 because apparently I'm the sort of woman who watches men leave 52 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,760 now. His truck started on the first 53 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,760 try, and I don't know why I noticed that, but I did. 54 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,120 It sounded too healthy for the morning. 55 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,400 And then he drove off too fast down the gravel driveway, and I 56 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,680 thought, that poor man, I really did. 57 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,920 I thought, he's going to bury himself in work because if he 58 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,800 doesn't, he'll have to sit with the silence and the stillness of 59 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,840 his wife being gone. And then I thought, no, never 60 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,680 mind. No, I don't like the thought 61 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:22,680 that came after Uncas inside, but he waited until Dennis's 62 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,080 truck was gone before he even attempted to come in. 63 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,840 He didn't walk in or wander in with his usual royal little 64 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,440 attitude, like he was doing me a favour by crossing the 65 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:34,000 threshold. He bolted inside. 66 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,360 I opened the door because I saw him on the porch and he came in 67 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,360 so fast he nearly tripped over my foot. 68 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,840 And then he ran straight to the couch, straight there. 69 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,240 And then he jumped on to the cushion where Dennis had slept, 70 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,480 and he started digging his claws into the quilt. 71 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,120 He wasn't kneading, no, it wasn't that sweet little cat 72 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,760 thing they do when they look half asleep and pleased with 73 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,200 themselves. He dug at the blanket like he 74 00:03:56,200 --> 00:04:00,200 was trying to bury a smell. And I said, well, that's rude. 75 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,760 He's grieving, you know. Then I stood there in my robe, 76 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,680 scolding the cat on behalf of a married man whose wife was 77 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:10,080 pulled from the river yesterday. So that's where I am as a 78 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,120 person. Uncle didn't care though. 79 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,880 He just shoved his face into the blanket and made that low 80 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:19,079 growling sound again, the one he made from last night, just the 81 00:04:19,079 --> 00:04:22,280 small engine of disgust starting up somewhere in his chest. 82 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,840 He climbed under the couch and laid exactly where Dennis has 83 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,200 left. And then he looked at me once, 84 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,040 very flat and unimpressed, and I wish it felt cute. 85 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,560 Maybe it does, a little. There is a mouse on the porch. 86 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,040 I didn't notice it when Dennis left, or maybe it wasn't there 87 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,720 yet. I don't like that. 88 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,800 I don't like the idea of things arriving on my porch after a man 89 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,160 leaves. But it was there when Anca came 90 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:49,400 in, small and grey and not really pretty, placed right in 91 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,160 front of the mat like a little offering. 92 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,560 Again, I said thank you, because I'm half worried about what 93 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,320 would happen if I didn't show appreciation for the grotesque 94 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,240 little gift. And I stood there in my doorway, 95 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,040 in my socks, thanking a cat for a dead mouse. 96 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,680 And the worst part is, is I think I meant it. 97 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,040 He brought me something. That should count for something, 98 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,760 shouldn't it? Even if the something has tiny 99 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,640 feet and stiff whiskers and eyes that look too much like little 100 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:18,040 black sesame seeds. I had to go get a grocery bag 101 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,640 from under the sink, and I scooped the mouse up without 102 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:23,400 touching it with my bare hand. And then I apologized while I 103 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,080 did it, which I'm also not proud of. 104 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,760 I didn't throw it in the trash, that would have felt too cruel, 105 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:32,120 and I put it under the cedar tree at the side of the cabin. 106 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,200 I didn't bury it, I didn't have a shovel, and I wasn't about to 107 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,240 go looking for one, but I tucked it under the roots where the 108 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,920 rain doesn't hit as hard. I don't know, that was probably 109 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,760 stupid Jack, but it felt like the kindest bad option. 110 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:48,400 I washed my hands after twice the water came out normal and I 111 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,760 feel like I need to say that now. 112 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,360 The water came out normal. It was clear with no smell. 113 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,280 It didn't have any penny scent or river scent. 114 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:59,680 It was just water. I'm not working today Jack and 115 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,200 that feels important to say too though and I don't know why. 116 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:06,360 It's my day off and that sounds like a joke someone meaner than 117 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,840 me would make. Like the whole town looked at me 118 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,440 and said here Holly have a day all to yourself. 119 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,440 Sit with it and see what comes. I don't want to see what comes, 120 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,440 Jack. I want to sleep for 14 hours and 121 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,240 wake up before any of this started. 122 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,920 No, that's not true. I want to wake up May 16th and 123 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,360 find Jack before he goes into the woods. 124 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,560 I want a lot of impossible things this morning. 125 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:34,160 Mostly I just want my couch to stop looking like a horrible 126 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,720 confession that even a priest would judge me for. 127 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:48,160 Jack, it's 10:38 AM and I am trying very hard not to call 128 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,640 Dennis. That sounds pathetic, doesn't 129 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,320 it? It feels pathetic. 130 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,840 I keep walking past the phone like it's going to do something 131 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:59,280 on its own, like it's going to ring and save me from deciding 132 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,760 whether I'm the sort of woman who calls a grieving man at 10 133 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,160 in the morning because she got frightened by a cat and a dead 134 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,080 mouse in her own thoughts. No, I'm not calling him. 135 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,080 I am saying that out loud because maybe if I say it enough 136 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,120 it will become a personality treat. 137 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,840 I am not calling him, I'm not. I'm not going to do it. 138 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:23,680 They're very strong in me. See, the pipes are making a 139 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:27,080 knocking noise. It's not the sink running or hot 140 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,600 water causing strange sounds in the walls. 141 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,360 Just the soft little knocking sound from somewhere in the 142 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:36,360 kitchen wall. 3 taps and then quiet and then nothing long 143 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,240 enough for me to think I imagined it. 144 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,040 It's probably just old plumbing. Everything in this cabin is old 145 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,800 enough to complain, and the floors complain and the windows 146 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,680 complain. The pipes complain and I 147 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,600 complain. We are a very vocal little 148 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,160 household, but there is something about this sound that 149 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,360 I don't like, Jack. It's too polite, like it's 150 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,440 waiting for me to answer it there. 151 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,200 Do you hear that? Of course you hear it. 152 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,480 You're a tape recorder. Your whole job is hearing things 153 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,920 that I wish I could ignore. I checked under the sink, which 154 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,440 was brave of me because under sink spaces always look like 155 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,480 places something could live if it had poor posture and bad 156 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,520 intentions. There's nothing leaking there. 157 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,440 There isn't a puddle or an odd smell or a broken piece of metal 158 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:20,680 that I don't know what to do with. 159 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:25,080 It's just the pipes, Jack pipes that have apparently decided 160 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,240 they're lonely and want to start a conversation. 161 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:32,039 I made myself toast, but I burnt it not too bad, just enough that 162 00:08:32,039 --> 00:08:34,520 the edges went black and the kitchen smelt like the diner 163 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,960 after someone forgets they're responsible for the bread. 164 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,640 I scraped the burnt part into the sink. 165 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,919 And then I immediately hated that I did that because the 166 00:08:41,919 --> 00:08:44,680 flake stuck to the porcelain and looked like little dig bugs. 167 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,240 So I cleaned the sink. And then I cleaned the counter. 168 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,000 And then I cleaned the mug that Dennis had used and then I 169 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,800 wished I had it. Not because I wanted it dirty or 170 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,120 anything, that sounds disgusting, but there was 171 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,320 something about washing it that felt wrong, as if I was erasing 172 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,000 proof that he had been there this morning. 173 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,960 The house feels too awake today, Jack. 174 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,280 Maybe that's the problem. Usually when I'm home on a day 175 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,680 off, the cabin feels lazy. A little damp maybe, but today 176 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,560 it feels like it's listening. The couch has Dennis's shape in 177 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:16,560 it, even with Anca trying to flatten it back into something 178 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,320 harmless. The kitchen smells like coffee 179 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,640 made badly, and the sink looks too clean. 180 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,680 And the phone just keeps sitting there, and I know phones sit, 181 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,400 that's what they do until they ring. 182 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,000 But this one feels like it's waiting with me. 183 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,720 I picked it up once just to hear the dial tone, that's all. 184 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,480 I don't know why I did that. Maybe I want to prove the line 185 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,200 was alive. Maybe I want to prove it wasn't. 186 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:44,840 It hummed in my ear, a plain little sound, and for a second I 187 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,400 thought I could hear something under it. 188 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,440 One of those tiny sounds a person makes when they're trying 189 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,640 not to cry and don't want you to know that they're on the other 190 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,800 end. I hung up and I did not call 191 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,280 him. I am not calling him. 192 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:01,720 I am becoming extremely powerful in this one very small way. 193 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:07,040 I am choosing to ignore it. Jack, I keep thinking about what 194 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,360 Denis said, that if he stayed still for too long that he 195 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,240 wouldn't know what he would do and this sounds sad. 196 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,680 It does, I know it does. If Suzanne had said that, I 197 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,000 would bring her soup and sit with her and tell her that she 198 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,600 didn't have to do anything to day. 199 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,520 If Frederick said that either of them, I would assume that he 200 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,200 would need a cigarette and maybe a better personality. 201 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,800 But I would still worry if I said that. 202 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,760 I don't know. Maybe I have said that in 203 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,160 different words. Maybe that's what all these 204 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,480 tapes are. It's just me trying not to stay 205 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,400 still too long inside my own head. 206 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,680 But when Dennis says it, everyone else's voices crawl in. 207 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:49,200 Gordon at my car window and I'll go on the couch digging like the 208 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,400 blanket offended him, the mouse on the porch with its little 209 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,960 dead eyes, and the river bringing Lila back. 210 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,400 No, not back. That is not what happened. 211 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,640 Found. That is the word that people 212 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:04,320 will use. They found her as if she had 213 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:08,800 misplaced herself, as if the river was kind enough to return 214 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,320 something that wandered too far upstream. 215 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,440 I hate that. I hate how people talk about 216 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,160 dead women like they became objects as soon as the worst 217 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,800 thing has happened to them. A body or a discovery, evidence 218 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,520 and remains. That poor woman, something in 219 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,520 the river, She had a name. You know, Lila. 220 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,280 I don't even know if I'm saying it right when I say it alone. 221 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:32,600 Isn't that awful to be frightened for a woman and not 222 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,160 be sure you know how her name felt in her own mouth? 223 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,920 No, not now. I am not doing that. 224 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,000 Now I'm going to make more coffee. 225 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,200 Coffee is a normal thing, Jack. People make coffee and people 226 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,760 drink their coffee. People do not stand in their 227 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,640 living rooms being bullied by plumbing in a cat. 228 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,520 It's me, Jack. It's two O 7:00 PM. 229 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,520 The police came by Sheriff Bell and Deputy Rusk. 230 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,400 They just left know I'm telling you their names like you can do 231 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,520 anything with them, but the names feel important. 232 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,200 Today they came about. Lila. 233 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,960 Lila Stillman. I don't think I've said her full 234 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,200 name out loud before. And that feels wrong too, 235 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,880 doesn't it? To be tangled up in someone's 236 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:25,080 life, even from the ugly side of it, and still be surprised by 237 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,320 the weight of their last name? Stillman. 238 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,480 It sounds like a sentence that someone forgot to finish. 239 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,920 They were polite. They were polite in that careful 240 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,400 way that people get when they know they're holding something 241 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,800 sharp and they don't want you to notice until the edge is already 242 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,520 against your skin. They said I wasn't in any 243 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:47,200 trouble, and then I said people only say that when trouble has 244 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,240 already chosen a seat at the dinner table. 245 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,960 Neither of them laughed, which was fair because it wasn't 246 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,800 really funny. They asked if they could come in 247 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:59,040 and I said yes, because what else do you say when the sheriff 248 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:03,400 is standing on your porch? You say yes, you move a pile of 249 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:06,440 laundry with your foot and you apologize for the smell of burnt 250 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,320 toast and you suddenly become aware of every dirty cup in your 251 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:12,040 sink, as if the cups have agreed to testify against you. 252 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,600 Anca stayed on the couch the whole time. 253 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,320 He didn't run or hide, he just sort of watched them from the 254 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,120 blanket. His ears were tucked half back 255 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,400 and his little face was as flat as ever. 256 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,000 He didn't like them, I know he didn't, but he didn't hate them 257 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,120 in the way that he hated Dennis being here. 258 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,800 No, no. Hate is maybe too big of a word 259 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,720 for a cat. Maybe. 260 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,040 I don't know. Deputy Rusk noticed him. 261 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,200 Of course he did. Men like that notice everything 262 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,800 and then decide which parts they want to say out loud, just to 263 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,880 see what you'll do with it. They asked about Dennis. 264 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,240 They asked about his whereabouts, about his state of 265 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,880 mind. That was the phrase they used. 266 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:55,880 State of mind, like a mind is a place with roads and borders and 267 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:59,200 a little sign when you enter it that says welcome, please drive 268 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:03,160 carefully. I told them he left around 7 and 269 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,760 I said that he went to the shop and I told them that. 270 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,120 He said if he stayed still for too long he wouldn't know what 271 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,600 he would do. I wish I hadn't told them that. 272 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,280 Not because it wasn't true, but because it was true in a way 273 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,280 that changed as soon as someone else heard it. 274 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,840 In my mouth this morning it was grief, but in their notebooks 275 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:24,240 maybe it became something else. That's the trouble with talking. 276 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,360 You hand someone a sentence, warm and alive, and then they 277 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:31,120 pin it down flat like a moth. They asked if Dennis had seemed 278 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,080 upset and I said yes, of course he did, his wife is dead. 279 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,400 And then they asked if he seemed afraid and I said I didn't know. 280 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,160 And then they asked if he seemed angry and I said I don't think I 281 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,440 know what his anger even looks like. 282 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,160 And I hated that answer. The second I gave it. 283 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,080 It sounded like a woman admitting she had been standing 284 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,680 too close to a fire and calling it weather. 285 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,800 They asked if he had any cuts on him or scrapes or any marks that 286 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:02,880 seemed odd, especially on his hands, and I said I hadn't seen 287 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,600 any. And then I realized I had been 288 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,280 looking at his hands. I had looked this morning while 289 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,320 he was holding the mug. And I looked at his hands 290 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,800 because Gordon put that sentence into my head and it keeps 291 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,480 walking around in there with muddy shoes and I hate that I 292 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,920 noticed it. Jack, the sheriff, asked if 293 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,200 Denis had ever hurt me, and I said no, that was an easy 294 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,440 answer. And then he asked if Denis had 295 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,760 ever frightened me, and that was not an easy answer. 296 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:31,480 I said no, not exactly and not exactly is a horrible little 297 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,360 phrase. It lets fear live in the room, 298 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:38,040 but makes it stand near the wall where everybody can pretend not 299 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:41,680 to see it, like a wallflower. And then they asked if Denis had 300 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:45,240 ever talked about Lila with me, and I told them what he said, 301 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,560 that she wasn't much for company lately. 302 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,880 And I said that he said that she had left. 303 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,480 And I told them that I asked if she took her things. 304 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:56,080 And he said some, some. God, Jack, I still hate that 305 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,920 word. Some is a toothbrush by the sink 306 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,400 and a coat on a hook. And they asked about the mug at 307 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,880 the shop. No, wait, that's not right. 308 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,600 I brought it up. I don't know why I brought it 309 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,560 up. The white mug with the faded 310 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,360 blue flowers and the old lipstick stain on the rim and 311 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,720 the dust on the handle. I said it out loud and both of 312 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,960 them got still. In that almost invisible way 313 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,600 people do when something matters. 314 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,880 I wanted to unsay it. But you can't unsay something 315 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,920 once the room had heard it. You can only sit there and watch 316 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,520 it become part of the air that the sheriff and his deputy 317 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,680 breathe in. They asked about May 30th. 318 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,920 Jack. May 30th is important. 319 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,840 I know it. I knew it before they said it. 320 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:38,600 I think I knew it the first time the radio said whoever borrowed 321 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,760 the 30th please return it clean. And I think I knew it when I 322 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,960 woke up with thir under my nails and no mud on the floor. 323 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:48,160 I knew it when everyone at the diner looked at me like I was 324 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,040 the only one who hadn't agreed to pretend. 325 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,480 But hearing the sheriff say it made the date feel like a person 326 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,400 standing behind me, breathing hot air down my neck. 327 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,920 They asked where I was on May 30th and I told them I don't 328 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,840 remember. And when I said it, the whole 329 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:07,119 room changed, Not loudly. There wasn't anybody gasping or 330 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:10,480 accusing me of anything. Nobody said what do you mean you 331 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,040 don't remember a whole day, Holly? 332 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:14,760 Because normal people remember most days, Holly. 333 00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:17,200 They were too calm. And that was worse. 334 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,400 And then Sheriff Bell said that they would ask carefully, and I 335 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,520 don't know why that made me want to cry. 336 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,800 Maybe because careful is not really the same as kind. 337 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,960 They asked if I saw Dennis that day and I said I didn't know. 338 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,520 They asked if I was with him and I said I don't know. 339 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,520 They asked if he ever asked me a lie for him and I said no. 340 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:42,200 They asked if he ever asked me to say he was somewhere, and I 341 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,880 said no. And then they told me about 342 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,600 Lila. They said that she didn't leave 343 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,920 voluntarily, not in those words. Exactly. 344 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,560 At first they walked around it. People do that with death. 345 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,320 They put their hands out in front of them. 346 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,120 They feel for the furniture like they're walking blind so they 347 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,680 don't walk into the worst part too fast. 348 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,080 But that's what they meant. She didn't leave, not in the way 349 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,160 people said she left, at least not with the suitcase and anger 350 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:13,040 and some of her things. Not with Dennis standing in the 351 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,440 kitchen saying she wasn't much for company lately. 352 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,280 They're investigating her death as a homicide. 353 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:21,960 Jack, a word that sounds far too official to belong in my living 354 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,120 room. They said there were signs of 355 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:27,360 foul play. I asked them what signs and they 356 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,320 wouldn't tell me. Of course they wouldn't, and 357 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,800 they probably shouldn't, and I hate them for that. 358 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:35,560 Anyway, the sheriff said the river makes a mess, but not that 359 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,120 kind. No, wait, that was Rusk. 360 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,800 I think it's blurring already, Jack, and that bothers me. 361 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,480 That happened less than an hour ago, and already the 362 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,800 conversation is starting to crumple around in my head like 363 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,280 wet paper. Sheriff Bell said the river just 364 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,240 returns what it can't keep. That was a terrible sense. 365 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,360 The river just returns what it can't keep. 366 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,000 I wanted to ask how many things the river had kept, but I 367 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,760 didn't. I'm learning some questions make 368 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:05,200 more room than answers can fill. Before they left, Sheriff Bell 369 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,520 gave me a card with the office number and tiny black letters on 370 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,640 it. It had the office hours printed 371 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,160 on it like murder cares about business hours. 372 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,840 He said to call if I remember anything about May 30th. 373 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:22,680 But then Deputy Rusk said, or if May 30th remembers you, and I 374 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,280 looked at him and I must have looked at him so horribly 375 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,640 because he actually looked sorry afterward. 376 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,240 Or maybe I'm making that up. And then he asked me if I like 377 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,280 chocolate. He said, do you like chocolate, 378 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:36,520 Holly? And I said, well, I don't even 379 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:40,480 know what I said, Jack. Yeah, I think I said yeah, but 380 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,200 it came out like a question. And then he took a candy bar 381 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,440 from his pocket and he set it on my table. 382 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,680 It was dark chocolate. The deep red wrapper with the 383 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:55,600 pretty script logo, the one with the toffee pieces, the one that 384 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,800 I bought when I thought the worst thing happening to me was 385 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,480 a headache and Gordon watching me for too long. 386 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,480 I don't think I ever told anyone about that candy bar. 387 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,600 I know I didn't tell Deputy Rusk. 388 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,000 Maybe everybody just likes dark chocolate with toffee pieces. 389 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,360 Maybe the general store only carries one kind now. 390 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,440 Maybe he just keeps candy in his pocket because he's odd and 391 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,600 people are allowed to be odd without it meaning something 392 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,520 more. I am trying very hard to be 393 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:28,040 generous with reality, Jack, but reality is not returning the 394 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,960 favour. The card is still on the table 395 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:35,120 with the candy bar beside it, and Anka is still on the couch. 396 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:39,400 He keeps looking from me to the table and then to the card and 397 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,600 to the candy bar and then back to me, as if I'm supposed to 398 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,240 understand something but I do not understand. 399 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,920 I notice everything and I understand nothing. 400 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,800 Jack. I said that yesterday or maybe 401 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,280 the day before, but it's still true. 402 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:07,240 Hi Jack, it's me. It's 6:03 PM now. 403 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,880 I ate dinner sort of early tonight. 404 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:14,080 It was just toast, not burnt this time, and a bowl of tomato 405 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,760 soup. I did not eat the candy bar. 406 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,960 It's still on the table. Jack, the soup tasted like warm 407 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,200 pennies because I was thinking about pennies, not because it 408 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:28,280 actually tasted like pennies. I'm clarifying that for myself. 409 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:32,640 Jack, the soup was normal, the water used was normal, and the 410 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,320 spoon was normal. And I'm saying normal too much, 411 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,720 which is how you can tell I've lost track of it. 412 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:42,400 I didn't call Dennis and he hasn't called me, and that feels 413 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,800 like a kindness and a punishment all at once. 414 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,040 I keep picking up the phone and putting it back down. 415 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,880 I'm not dialling it, Jack. I'm just holding it. 416 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:55,200 The receiver has weight to it. I like that about older phones. 417 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,200 You know, when you're holding one, it's not like those plastic 418 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,400 things that people carry around now in the cities, the ones that 419 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,200 look like toys, that make everybody seem reachable at all 420 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,240 times, as if that were actually possible. 421 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:11,080 A proper phone has a body. You pick it up and the house 422 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,400 knows, and you put it down and the house knows that, too. 423 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,360 I thought about calling Suzanne, but then I thought about trying 424 00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:21,680 to explain the sheriff showing up and Anca and the mouse and 425 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,360 the sink, and I put the phone down. 426 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,240 I thought about calling the Sheriff's Office, but then I 427 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,800 imagined Deputy Rusk answering and saying something like, has 428 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,880 the day started speaking back to you yet? 429 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,000 And it pissed me off, and I put the phone down even harder. 430 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,160 I thought about calling Dennis, and I held the receiver for so 431 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,800 long that my hand started sweating against the plastic. 432 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,280 And then Uncle made that sound. Not loud, just enough for me to 433 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,160 hear it, like he was reminding me he still had teeth and he 434 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,480 wanted to use them. So I put the phone down again. 435 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,440 He's a good cat, Jack. A strange cat, but good. 436 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,000 Probably the only sensible man in Cedar Bend. 437 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,560 That's unfair. He isn't a man, that's why he's 438 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,280 sensible. I keep thinking about Lila. 439 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,640 Not as Denis's wife, I mean, Yeah, sure. 440 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,560 As Dennis's wife. That's how I knew her first. 441 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:13,320 That's how everyone knew her. Probably attached to him by 442 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,320 language, if nothing else. Just Dennis's wife or the 443 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,200 mechanic's wife. Or poor Lila. 444 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,240 That poor woman. Something from the river. 445 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,280 Something in the bag. I hate that she had a name 446 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,520 before she had a husband. She had hair that wouldn't stay 447 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,400 pinned, apparently. And she had a mug with blue 448 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,840 flowers and a lipstick stain. And she had ankles. 449 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:34,640 God, no. I'm sorry. 450 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,120 I keep thinking about my dream with the purple dress and the 451 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,560 black lace going down to the river and the hand coming up and 452 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,640 pulling the cloth under and the feet that weren't mine, Jack. 453 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,160 The dragging and the screaming and the dream where I was 454 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,760 running, trying to get to the clearing first. 455 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:53,600 I was trying to get there first, Jack, And that word bothers me. 456 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,000 First. Before what? 457 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,160 Before who was she trying to get there? 458 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,200 What was she running from? Was she running from him? 459 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,000 No, no, I don't know that I do not know that. 460 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,440 I need to be careful with what I let myself know. 461 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,440 And that sounds strange, but I mean it, Jack. 462 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,920 There are things a person can know before they have proof, and 463 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,800 those are the things that ruin you in public. 464 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,400 You start answering questions that nobody asked, and you start 465 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,480 looking at men's hands and thinking cats for dead mice, and 466 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:23,360 then you start wondering if grief can sit on your couch and 467 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,920 leave stains. Alka still hasn't left the 468 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:28,320 couch. Every now and then he digs his 469 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,640 claws into the blanket again. And I know that quilt is ruined, 470 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,560 little pulls everywhere, and I should be mad, but I'm not. 471 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,880 I don't think I wanted to use it again anyways. 472 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:42,920 Hold on, Jack, do you hear that? You're a tape recorder. 473 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,960 You don't get to decide what not to hear. 474 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:50,280 Anka's looking at the kitchen. The sink just turned on. 475 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,920 I know that sounds stupid. I know pipes do things. 476 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,000 But it turned on like a hand turned it on. 477 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,960 Jack, I'm not touching it. I'm not even in the kitchen. 478 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,720 Anka's making that sound again. That mean low sound. 479 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,240 I'm standing up. I don't want to. 480 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,240 I am. The water is running. 481 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:08,720 The handle is turned. I can see it. 482 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,600 I can see that the handle is turned. 483 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,520 It smells. God, Jack, it smells like 484 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:18,480 pennies. No, no, no, no, no. 485 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,240 I am not going closer. I'm not. 486 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:26,680 That's the pipes. That's it's just old pipes. 487 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:31,000 It's just old pipes, Jack, that is air in the line of old pipes. 488 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,920 That is the house settling. That is the rain that's built up 489 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:39,160 underground. And Jack, I could see something 490 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,800 coming up from the drain. No, no, no, I can't. 491 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:44,200 No, no, I can't. I can't. 492 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,320 It's just dark. Drains are dark. 493 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,200 The kitchen is dark. That's what they are. 494 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,520 I'm turning around. Holes are allowed to be dark. 495 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,920 I am turning off my living room light. 496 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:55,640 I am turning it off right now. Oh God. 497 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:02,920 I'm going to walk into the kitchen now and I'm going to 498 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,040 turn off the water. I'm not going to look. 499 00:26:14,170 --> 00:26:19,400 Jack, it's me and it's 10:34 PM. I'm going to sleep now, or I'm 500 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:23,200 going to go try to sleep. The doors are locked and the 501 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,600 windows are locked and the porch light is on. 502 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,120 I checked everything twice. And then I checked it all again, 503 00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,560 because twice didn't feel like a real number anymore. 504 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,160 Anka is still inside. He's still on the couch. 505 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,000 Of course he is. And the sink is off. 506 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,440 I don't want to talk about that anymore. 507 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:46,240 Actually, I put a chair in front of the kitchen doorway, and that 508 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,320 feels stupid now that I'm saying it out loud. 509 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,640 It's just the chair. It isn't going to stop water or 510 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,120 something dark poking its way up from the drain. 511 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,880 But I put it there anyway. Jack and the sheriff's card is 512 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:01,280 on the table. The candy bar is beside it. 513 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,440 I haven't ate it yet. I don't think I'm going to. 514 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:06,560 I keep looking at the wrapper, though. 515 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:10,200 That deep red colour looks darker at night, almost brown, 516 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,080 almost black. Maybe I'll throw it away in the 517 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:13,280 morning. Or maybe I won't. 518 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,280 I keep thinking about what Sheriff Bell said. 519 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,240 The river just returns what it can't keep. 520 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:24,280 I keep thinking about what Rusk said to call if May 30th 521 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,680 remembers me. I think it's starting to 522 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,480 Remember Me. I keep thinking about what 523 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:33,360 Dennis said before he fell asleep, and that's what I'm 524 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,920 afraid of. All of them sound like different 525 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:38,120 people talking around the same closed door. 526 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:42,160 I don't know who killed Lila Jack, and I'm saying that 527 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,360 because part of me keeps trying to decide, and I don't think I'm 528 00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,280 allowed to yet. I don't think I'm allowed to 529 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:51,760 decide anything yet. I don't know who killed her. 530 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,680 I don't know where I was on May 30th. 531 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,560 I don't know why the sheriff looked so unsurprised when I 532 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,760 told him that. I don't know why Unka hates the 533 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:03,920 smell that Dennis had left behind. 534 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:08,920 I don't know why the sink turned on and I don't know if I really 535 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,480 saw something. I don't know why the candy bar 536 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,920 is here, and I don't know if not knowing these things makes me 537 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:21,120 feel innocent or stupid. Maybe both, maybe neither. 538 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,960 Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself, or maybe I'm not being 539 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,560 hard enough. I'm so tired, Jack. 540 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:30,480 I'm tired in places I don't think sleep can reach anymore. 541 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:33,480 If Dennis calls, I am not answering. 542 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,120 I am saying that to you because I don't trust myself to remember 543 00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:40,000 it alone. If there is a knock at my door, 544 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,400 I am not answering that either. Not tonight. 545 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,760 Not even if it is somebody I know. 546 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:47,680 Not even if I am desperate to see that person. 547 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,200 Especially not if it's somebody I know and not if I am 548 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:52,360 desperate. Goodnight, Jack.