1 00:00:13,370 --> 00:00:16,930 Good morning Jack, it's June 2nd and it's 718. 2 00:00:17,010 --> 00:00:20,770 AMI didn't sleep much. That's becoming a boring thing 3 00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:23,250 to say, isn't it? I'm starting to bore myself 4 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:25,170 Jack. I could hear it when I talk to 5 00:00:25,170 --> 00:00:27,290 you. However, morning it's the same 6 00:00:27,290 --> 00:00:29,970 thing. I didn't sleep and I had a dream 7 00:00:29,970 --> 00:00:33,200 and something hurts, something was strange or something was 8 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,560 standing too close or not standing where it should have 9 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,680 been at all. I should start lying just to 10 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,760 keep the both of us interested. Good morning, Jack. 11 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:45,760 I slept beautifully and I woke up so well rested, so soft and 12 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,920 normal. The birds were singing and my 13 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,920 coffee tastes like coffee and my ankles look like ankles and not 14 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,400 like somebody left fingerprints under my flesh. 15 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:59,120 There, that was nice, wasn't it? Anyway, I didn't sleep, Jack. 16 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,400 I kept thinking about what Gordon said. 17 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:05,080 I know I shouldn't, and I know that's what he wants. 18 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:08,440 People like him say things like that because they want to crawl 19 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,600 inside your head and sit there with their muddy boots up on the 20 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,320 furniture. They want you turning every 21 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:18,400 sweet thing over and over in your hands until you've rubbed 22 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:25,160 the shine off of it. I hate saying it out loud. 23 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,360 It sounds worse in my voice than it did in his, maybe because 24 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,520 when he said it, it sounded like something being delivered, like 25 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,480 a message that had been written down somewhere else, and he was 26 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,480 just the one unfortunate enough to bring it to my window. 27 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,800 He is not a messenger, Jack. He is Gordon. 28 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:46,200 He is the strange little man at the steelhead who stares too 29 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,240 long and stands too still and says awful things to women in 30 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,120 parking lots after dark. That's all he is. 31 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,760 Dennis's hands were kind to me. They were. 32 00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:00,040 I know what kindness feels like. I'm not stupid. 33 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,120 God, listen to me. I hate this. 34 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,200 I hate that I'm sitting here in my kitchen, in my nightgown, 35 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,440 defending a married man's hands to a tape recorder. 36 00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:11,760 I have the dinner shift tonight, Jack, which means I have the 37 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,920 whole day to sit around and sink myself into something ugly 38 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,520 before I even have to put my uniform on, and that feels 39 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,080 dangerous. No one should leave me alone 40 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:25,880 with my own head this long. It starts making things, and it 41 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,160 starts taking perfectly ordinary thoughts and dressing them up in 42 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,240 wet clothes and leaving them in corners. 43 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,400 Anka isn't here. I checked the porch when I woke 44 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,040 up. His towel is still there, folded 45 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,160 a little at one corner from the wind, and his food bowl is still 46 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,720 near the door. There are a few pieces left in 47 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:46,240 it, swollen soft from the damp air, but he isn't there. 48 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:50,000 I called for him once, quietly, and then a little louder, and 49 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,200 then I felt stupid and stopped. Cats disappear. 50 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,560 That's practically half of being a cat. 51 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,240 They come and go, and they look a little insulted when you ask 52 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,600 where they've been, as if having a concern for another living 53 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,240 creature is an embarrassing habit that I should have grown 54 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,360 out of. Still, I don't like it. 55 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,680 The penny is gone, too. Finally. 56 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,400 I don't know what happened to it. 57 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:15,160 Now there's just a darker round spot on the porch board where it 58 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,440 used to be, like the wood remembers it. 59 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,000 I stood there looking at the little circle for too long. 60 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,040 I'm going to go try to eat something. 61 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:26,480 I'm going to go try to be normal and try very hard not to think 62 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:28,840 about hands today. I'll talk to you later. 63 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:40,000 Jack. Jack, it's 106 PMI went into 64 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,280 town. I needed aspirin and some 65 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,840 cigarettes, which I know you would have given me a look for 66 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,480 if you were here, but you're not, so I get to be a little 67 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,320 self-destructive without commentary. 68 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,440 It's not raining today, and it's not sunny either. 69 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,280 The sky has that flat white grey look it gets sometimes where 70 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,440 everything underneath it looks a little too exposed. 71 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,040 I don't like days like this, Jack. 72 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,440 The light makes everyone look tired. 73 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,920 I took the old church road into town because I didn't feel like 74 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,160 passing the steelhead. Not because I'm afraid, just 75 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,320 because I'm tired of giving certain places the satisfaction 76 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,640 of being noticed. There was a deer dead off of the 77 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:20,079 shoulder near the bend. Not fresh, but not really old 78 00:04:20,079 --> 00:04:22,560 either. It was laying on its side with 79 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,840 its legs folded in wrong, like it tried to kneel and then 80 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:29,400 changed its mind halfway down. One of its eyes was open. 81 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:33,200 I tried not to look at it too long because dead animals always 82 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:36,000 make me feel guilty, even when I have nothing to do with it. 83 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,920 But somebody had put flowers around it, Jack. 84 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:43,080 That's why I slowed down. Not bouquets or little plastic 85 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,960 wrapped grocery store kind that people leave on the side of the 86 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,200 highway with teddy bears and candles and sad little ribbons. 87 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:54,240 These were wildflowers, and they were all upside down, Jack. 88 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:58,040 Every single one of them. The stems sticking straight up, 89 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:01,280 petals pressed into the dirt around the deer like they were 90 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:04,160 being made to pray. I actually pulled over. 91 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,960 I don't know why. I sat there with the engine 92 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,320 running and I stared at it through the windshield. 93 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:12,640 A truck passed by me and the driver didn't slow down. 94 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,320 He didn't even look. He didn't do anything that made 95 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,360 me feel less alone with the dead deer and its little upside down 96 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,120 garden. Maybe it was kids. 97 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:24,680 Kids do strange things, Jack. People in Cedar Bend do strange 98 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,360 things when they're bored. Bored I'm here is practically a 99 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,880 craft project. Give someone enough rain and 100 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:33,440 nowhere to go and they will start building little rituals 101 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,160 out of flowers and roadkill and call it a joke. 102 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,400 That's all it was. It was a joke. 103 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,720 A disgusting one, maybe, but still. 104 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,600 It was a joke, right? I didn't get out of the car. 105 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,360 I thought about it. I thought about turning one of 106 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,720 the flowers right side up. Just one. 107 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,920 But then I thought maybe that was exactly the sort of thing 108 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,520 you shouldn't do. Not because I believe in any of 109 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,560 that. I don't. 110 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,960 I drove away and I got my aspirin and I got the 111 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,400 cigarettes. I went and got coffee, even 112 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,280 though I had coffee at home, because sometimes coffee made by 113 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,520 someone else feels a bit more medicinal. 114 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,480 I looked for Anka on the way back, which is stupid. 115 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,200 He's a cat. He doesn't take the roads into 116 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,280 town to run errands. But I looked anyway. 117 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,920 I didn't see him. I need to start getting ready 118 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,920 for work soon. My ankles are hurting like they 119 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,440 want attention. I don't have any attention to 120 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:26,000 spare. I'll talk to you after my shift. 121 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:38,160 Jack. Jack, it's 10:41 PM. 122 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:41,400 I'm home. I haven't taken off my uniform 123 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,080 yet. I came in, locked the door, and 124 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:47,520 I checked the porch for Anka, and I just sort of stood in the 125 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,920 kitchen with my purse still on my shoulder, like I'd forgotten 126 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,600 how houses work. Anka's still gone and the bowl's 127 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,800 there and the towels there, and they hate how much it bothers me 128 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:01,160 how empty everything seems. Work was strange. 129 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,760 Not the loud kind of strange or dramatic strange. 130 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:09,360 Nobody came in covered in river mud, and no one screamed. 131 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,120 No lights burst, and no one dragged wet hands across the 132 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:16,440 windows. So I suppose by recent standards 133 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,200 it was almost peaceful. But it was strange. 134 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,920 Rosemary wasn't there. She called in again. 135 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,840 Suzanne said. Her voice sounded rough on the 136 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,000 phone, like she had a sore throat, maybe, or like she'd 137 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,720 been crying. Suzanne didn't say that last 138 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,240 part. I did, in my own head. 139 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,160 That's the problem with thinking too much. 140 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,200 You start finishing other people's sentences with things 141 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:44,240 they never meant to say. Dinner was slow, the kind of 142 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,120 slow that makes the whole diner feel staged. 143 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,120 The tables and the ketchup bottles and the napkin 144 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:53,960 dispensers were all waiting for something to begin, but they 145 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:58,160 didn't know their cues yet. A family passing through came in 146 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:02,000 around 6, two adults and a little girl with one of those 147 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,360 plastic bead necklaces. You win out of machines. 148 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:09,120 She kept chewing on it, and her mother kept telling her to stop. 149 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,640 The little girl stared at me every time I passed by. 150 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,520 Not like Gordon though. Not even like a creepy child 151 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:20,160 from a movie or something. Just with this blank, curious 152 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,320 little face. Then when I sat there, checked 153 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,120 down, she said, you have dirt on your shoe. 154 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,360 I looked down and there was nothing on my shoe. 155 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,720 Her mother laughed and said, oh, she's been saying odd things all 156 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,919 day, don't worry, like that explained anything. 157 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,480 Or maybe it did. Children are strange. 158 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:44,520 Maybe everyone just forgets because they're small and sticky 159 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,400 and sometimes they're kind of cute. 160 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,680 I was glad when they left, though. 161 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:53,200 After that it was just regulars. Missus Gardner came in and she 162 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,000 had a salad, but she picked through it as if she was 163 00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:00,200 searching for a buried secret. Mr. Nemec came in for coffee and 164 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:04,360 pie cherry as usual. He told me Dennis finished his 165 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,640 truck this morning and that he did a good job. 166 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,600 And then he winked at me like that was supposed to mean 167 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,840 something more than the fact that his truck now started 168 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,320 properly. I pretended not to understand 169 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,240 the wink. I'm getting good at that. 170 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,400 Frederick was in the kitchen tonight. 171 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,640 Frederick with just the K? I know I've explained that 172 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,120 before, but I still feel like you should appreciate how 173 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:28,880 ridiculous it is that the junco has 2 cooks named basically the 174 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,680 same thing. Frederick with just AK always 175 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:35,560 looks like he has heard bad news 5 minutes before he walked in. 176 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,880 Maybe he has, or maybe that's just his face. 177 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:43,160 He was scraping burnt cheese off of the grill and I was putting 178 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:47,440 in an order for a BLT with no tomato, which I think should be 179 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,000 illegal, but people have the right to ruin their own 180 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:54,120 sandwiches, I guess. But Frederick said shame about 181 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:58,320 Dennis's wife out of the blue and casual, as if he was saying 182 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,320 shame about the weather. I stopped and I looked at him 183 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,720 with maybe too sharp of a stare. I don't think he noticed that 184 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,720 first. Or he did notice and he did what 185 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:11,280 people do here, which is keep doing whatever ordinary thing 186 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,640 their hands were doing. So the terrible sentence has 187 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,960 somewhere normal to land. I said Lila, as if Dennis had 188 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,760 another wife tucked away somewhere. 189 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,000 Frederick made this little sound. 190 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,400 It wasn't really a laugh, and it wasn't a sigh. 191 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,520 He just pushed air through his nose. 192 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:30,000 He said, yeah, taking off like that. 193 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,160 I felt sick so fast it was almost impressive. 194 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,600 A cold, mean little knot grew in my stomach, heavy and large. 195 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,600 I said. She left and Frederick looked 196 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,440 over at me, then only for a second. 197 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,440 He had the scraper in one hand and the towel over his shoulder, 198 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,280 and the grill light made one side of his face look almost 199 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,760 green. He said, yeah, that's what 200 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:55,120 people are saying. I asked when, and he shrugged. 201 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,960 He just shrugged at me, like it was all nothing to him, Like I'd 202 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:03,000 asked how old the man he's was, and then he said it depends on 203 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,760 who's saying it. And I hated that, Jack. 204 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:09,200 I hated it so much I could feel my throat closing around the 205 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,920 next breath. I said, what does it mean? 206 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,840 But he just went back to scraping the grill, and the 207 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,560 sound was awful. Metal against metal, too sharp. 208 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,320 But then he said men get strange when women leave. 209 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:26,160 Or maybe women leave because the men get strange. 210 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,240 I never know which order that goes in. 211 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,520 And then he slid the scraper under a strip of burnt cheese 212 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,920 and flicked it into the trash. And that was it. 213 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,320 And he didn't look shaken up by it, and he didn't even lower his 214 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,560 voice as he spoke. He didn't act like he just 215 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:43,120 handed me something heavy and wet and asked me to carry it 216 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,280 barehanded. Or maybe he didn't know he had. 217 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,920 Maybe he really was just talking because that's what people do. 218 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,200 People talk. And that's what I keep telling 219 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,200 myself. People talk and gossip and they 220 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,920 say weird things because not everyone understands that words 221 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:02,000 can bruise. But Jack Dennis never told me. 222 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:06,480 He never said Lila left. He let me ask about her like she 223 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:10,120 was still at home, being not much for company lately. 224 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,640 And he let me say, oh, what about Lila? 225 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,760 And when he told me he wasn't leaving me alone, he said Lila 226 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:22,480 isn't going to mind. Lila isn't going to mind. 227 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,640 What? Because she's gone? 228 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:27,800 Because she left? Because she couldn't mind? 229 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,080 No, no, I don't like that. I don't even like the idea of 230 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,800 the thought. I finished my shift and I don't 231 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:37,000 really remember the rest of it. I carried plates and I refilled 232 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,840 coffees and then I smiled at people with my mouth and maybe 233 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,840 not even the rest of my face. At some point I burnt my finger 234 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:46,120 on a mug because I picked it up too fast and I didn't feel the 235 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,520 heat until it already happened. Jack. 236 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,880 I keep thinking about Lila, about how long she's been gone, 237 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,840 about the mug in Dennis's office with the faded blue flowers and 238 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,560 the old lipstick staying on the rim. 239 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:01,320 About the way he said she's not much for company lately, as if 240 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,680 she were just in another room, like she was still close enough 241 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:06,640 to disappoint him by staying quiet. 242 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,720 When I got home, I checked the phone immediately, and I don't 243 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,800 know why. Maybe I thought it would be 244 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,280 unplugged again. Maybe I was just hoping it would 245 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,480 be. But it wasn't. 246 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,200 I'm going to call Dennis, and I know I shouldn't. 247 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,520 I know this is the sort of thing that I should ask face to face 248 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,520 in daylight, with both of us standing somewhere public and 249 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,600 sensible. But if I wait until morning, 250 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,680 I'll spend all night making monsters out of the spaces 251 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,000 between things I know and things I don't know. 252 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:35,400 I need to hear him say it. I need to hear Dennis make it 253 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,080 sound ordinary. I need him to be someone I can 254 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,760 trust. Jack, I'll talk to you later. 255 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:53,760 Jack, it's 11:18 PM now. I called him Dennis. 256 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:58,160 I called the repair shop first, which was stupid because of 257 00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,680 course he wasn't there this late. 258 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,720 The phone rang and it rang and rang until it started to feel 259 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,720 less like a sound and more of a punishment for being stupid and 260 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,000 dramatic. And then I called his house. 261 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:14,720 I almost hung up before the 1st ring finished, but he answered 262 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:18,240 on the 2nd and he sounded awake. That bothered me for some 263 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,160 reason. I think I wanted him to sound 264 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,840 sleepy. Innocent people sound sleepy at 265 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,360 11:00 at night, don't they? They answer the phone confused 266 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,560 and a little annoyed and say things like do you know what 267 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:33,480 time it is? But he just said hello, clear 268 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,920 and quiet, just that one simple word like he'd been sitting 269 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,520 close to the phone waiting. I said it's Holly. 270 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,360 He said I know. I asked how he knew and he 271 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:46,720 didn't answer right away, and then he said who else would call 272 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,720 me this late and that made sense and I hated that it made sense. 273 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,680 There was some static on the line, not much, but just enough 274 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,320 to make his breathing sound further away than it should have 275 00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,080 been. I asked him why he didn't tell 276 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,200 me. Lila left. 277 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,360 There was no warming up to the question, I just blurted it out 278 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,480 and I think I surprised the both of us. 279 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:09,520 He went quiet long enough that I actually looked at the phone 280 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,160 like I might see his silence sitting on the receiver. 281 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:17,240 And then he said who told you that Not uh, what are you 282 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,520 talking about? Or no she didn't or oh, I was 283 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,440 going to tell you no, none of those, just who told you that? 284 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,960 And that's when my stomach did that cold little drop again. 285 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:32,080 I said does it matter? And he sighed, not really 286 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,280 irritated sounding more just tired. 287 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,600 And I could picture him so clearly it made my chest ache 288 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,560 for him. One hand over his eyes maybe, or 289 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,680 rubbing his mouth, sitting in the dim little kitchen of his 290 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,120 where I've never been, but I can somehow imagine. 291 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:50,040 Anyway, he said no, no, I guess it doesn't. 292 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:54,080 I asked is it true? And he said yeah, 1 little word, 293 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,280 plain as a nail, and I waited for more but he didn't give me 294 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,720 anything else. So I said when and he was quiet 295 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,920 again and I hated how much of the conversation was quiet. 296 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:07,240 He said a while ago and I almost laughed, I really did. 297 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:12,280 I almost laughed a while ago, as if that meant anything, as if 298 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:15,400 time had been behaving well enough lately for me to accept a 299 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,080 vague little offering. Like a while ago, I said, what 300 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,920 does that mean? And he said it means I didn't 301 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,800 want to talk about my wife with you, and that hurt. 302 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,680 It shouldn't have hurt. It was a fair thing to say, 303 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,800 maybe even a decent thing to say. 304 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,280 There are lines, aren't there? There should be. 305 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,240 Granted, I've crossed many of those lines and so did he, but 306 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,560 they're still there and it still hurt. 307 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,120 And then I said you let me think she was there. 308 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:47,320 And he said he didn't mean to, but then I said you said she 309 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:51,360 wasn't much for company lately. And then he was silent again for 310 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,080 a while. And then he said softer. 311 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,480 She wasn't. And I didn't know what to do 312 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,800 with that. I still don't. 313 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,960 I asked if she left him and he said yes. 314 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:06,240 And then I asked if she took her things and he said some, some 315 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,680 Jack. I hate that word. 316 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:13,359 Some is worse than yes. Some is a drawer left open and a 317 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:16,520 coat still on the hook and a toothbrush by the sink. 318 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,839 Some is a person leaving in a way that doesn't quite finish. 319 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,640 I asked where she went and he said I don't know. 320 00:17:25,079 --> 00:17:27,960 He said it too fast. Or maybe not too fast and maybe 321 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,440 I'm just being unfair. Maybe when someone leaves you, 322 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,200 you don't really know where they go. 323 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,880 And I'm starting to think that's just part of people leaving 324 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,520 Jack. I asked if he had called anyone, 325 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,960 her friends or her family. And he said she's done this 326 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,160 before. And that should have made me 327 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,960 feel better, but it didn't. I said she left before. 328 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,320 And he said yeah. And his voice sounded different 329 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:56,240 then, flatter, not really angry or sad, but finished and done. 330 00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:00,840 I said, for how long? And he said, Holly, just my 331 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,600 name, maybe like a warning or a plea. 332 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,880 I couldn't tell. And I don't know which one is 333 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,920 worse. And then he said, I don't want 334 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,120 to do this on the phone. I almost asked him to just come 335 00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,200 over. The words were right there, 336 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,080 sitting so close to the edge of my tongue I could taste them. 337 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:20,480 I wanted him here, Jack. God help me, Jack. 338 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:24,360 I wanted him here so badly. I wanted him standing in my 339 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,720 kitchen, making the room feel occupied. 340 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,160 I wanted his hands on the counter and I wanted his voice 341 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:34,080 without the static between us. I wanted him to look me in the 342 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:38,200 face and explain everything in a way that made me feel foolish 343 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,360 for being afraid. But then I thought about Gordon 344 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,800 and I thought about Lila, and I thought about the mug with the 345 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:49,040 blue flowers and the lipstick. So I said not tonight. 346 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,600 And he didn't say anything for a second. 347 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,960 And then he said all right, and he asked if I was angry. 348 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,280 I said no. Then quieter, he said I'm 349 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,480 worried about you, Holly. And I said I was fine. 350 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,520 I almost laughed when I said it. I'm so tired of saying that, 351 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:09,720 Jack. I'm so tired of it that I hung 352 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,880 up before either of us could say anything else. 353 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,160 And the house felt unbearable after. 354 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,000 Like the call had filled it with too much air and now there 355 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:21,000 wasn't any room left for me. I checked the porch again and 356 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,040 there's still no ANCA and I checked the locks and everything 357 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,360 was safe but everything felt horrible. 358 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,360 I think I need to go for a drive. 359 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,840 I'm not going to go far. I just, I just need to go out. 360 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,800 I need to drive somewhere long enough to get my head quiet. 361 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:49,280 I'll bring you with me, Jack. Jack, it's 12:18 AM now and I'm 362 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,680 driving and I know it sounds stupid because it is stupid. 363 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,720 I should be home. I should be home in bed with the 364 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,320 door locked and the windows latched, and I should have my 365 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,800 shoes by my bed like a sensible woman expecting the need to run. 366 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,400 But I couldn't sit in that house anymore. 367 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,040 The quiet was too loud. And that sounds like something 368 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,400 someone says when they're trying to be poetic, but I mean it 369 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:13,400 exactly as it is, Jack. The quiet was loud in the walls. 370 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,080 It was loud in the sink, in the corners of the rooms where the 371 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,600 lamp light didn't reach. It was loud everywhere. 372 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,440 I didn't really decide to drive toward the coast. 373 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,080 I just kept taking roads that weren't home. 374 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,280 I don't even know how far I've driven. 375 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,240 The road signs look different at night. 376 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:34,760 Or maybe I'm just what Jack? What is it doing? 377 00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:42,790 Looks like clear skies tonight, we're below 48. 378 00:20:42,910 --> 00:20:45,150 Tomorrow we'll see scattered clouds moving in from the coast 379 00:20:45,430 --> 00:20:46,630 and. Whoever borrowed the 30th? 380 00:20:46,710 --> 00:20:51,150 Please return it please. Shit. 381 00:20:53,070 --> 00:20:54,430 Oh God. Oh my God. 382 00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:58,550 Jack, did you hear? No, of course you didn't hear 383 00:20:58,550 --> 00:20:59,710 that. You're a tape recorder. 384 00:20:59,750 --> 00:21:01,350 You hear what I hear, but you don't. 385 00:21:02,550 --> 00:21:07,720 Christ, that was he said I'm not making this up. 386 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,320 I'm not. I know I'm not imagining this. 387 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,360 I can't be. I know I'm not because I almost 388 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:14,480 ran myself into a ditch over it. And that feels like a dramatic 389 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,480 reaction to something that I apparently imagined I should 390 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,880 turn off the radio. I I should turn off the radio. 391 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,240 This is insane. I'm being insane. 392 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,560 It was a radio bit maybe right, Right. 393 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,360 It's just a bit. It was one of those strange 394 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,480 local station things. Maybe they said the 30th like 395 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,680 like a birthday or an anniversary or. 396 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,160 You're listening to KCBN keeping Cedar Bend awake whether he 397 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,240 likes it or not. Oh, absolutely not there. 398 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:45,760 OK, No, no, I don't like that. I don't like that at all. 399 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,160 Oh, God, Jack, the car is too quiet now, and that's somehow 400 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,600 worse. Of course it's worse. 401 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,520 I should turn around. I know I should. 402 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,640 I should go home and lock the door and pretend I never heard 403 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,000 that and sleep like a normal person with normal problems and 404 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,200 normal ankles and a normal mind. But I am closer to the coast now 405 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,000 than I am to home. I'll talk to you when I get 406 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:16,830 there, Jack. Jack, it's 12:52 AM. 407 00:22:17,390 --> 00:22:20,720 I'm at the beach and I don't know what I expected. 408 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:23,600 That's not true. I think I expected it to help. 409 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,800 That sounds stupid now that I'm standing here with my coat 410 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,520 wrapped tight around me in sand, already in my shoes. 411 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,960 But I thought the ocean would feel bigger than all of this. 412 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,680 Bigger than Cedar Bend and bigger than Dennis and bigger 413 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:40,080 than missing days and missing wives and strange men that say 414 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,320 strange things in parking lots. I thought if I stood in front of 415 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,480 something this enormous, maybe my life would feel smaller in a 416 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,600 comforting way. But it doesn't. 417 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:53,040 The ocean is too loud, and the water just sounds close. 418 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,960 Even though the tide is far out. I can see all this dark, wet 419 00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,920 sand stretching between me and the edge of the surf, smooth and 420 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:05,320 shining like something skinned. The waves are breaking way out 421 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:07,680 there, but the sound is right here. 422 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:12,560 The sound's at my feet and in my teeth and the river feels like 423 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,120 something that knows my name, but the ocean feels like 424 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:20,800 something too old to need it. There are no seagulls and I know 425 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,280 it's night, but still, there should be something. 426 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,240 Birds or bugs or people parked in cars doing things they 427 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,560 shouldn't. Maybe some drunk teenagers 428 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:33,320 throwing bottles or someone's dog barking at the dark because 429 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,520 dogs are smarter than us and know when the dark deserves to 430 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,600 be barked at. But there's nothing Jack, just 431 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,360 water and sand. I walked down from the pull off 432 00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,560 with my flashlight from the glove compartment. 433 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,160 The batteries are weak so the lights keep yellowing at the 434 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,040 edges, making everything look sickly. 435 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,760 There are flowers in the sand, Jack. 436 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,080 I don't know why there's not many. 437 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,000 There's just a few here and there. 438 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,240 Wildflowers, like ones around the deer. 439 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,880 They're stuck upside down in the wet sand, the stems in the air 440 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,520 and their petals buried. I should pull one out. 441 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,920 No, no, I shouldn't pull one out. 442 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:13,760 I'm learning. Maybe. 443 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,840 Or maybe I'm getting worse. There are footprints too, Jack. 444 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:19,960 At least, I think they're footprints. 445 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:23,800 They start at the waterline and come up the beach a little ways 446 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:27,800 and then stop. There's no trail going back, and 447 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,520 there's no person, just these dark impressions in the sand 448 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:34,560 that don't look right. They're too far apart, maybe 449 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,560 even too deep, like whoever made them was very heavy or very 450 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:42,080 tired, or maybe even didn't quite understand how walking's 451 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,360 supposed to work. I'm not going closer. 452 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,360 I'm saying that for your benefit and mine, Jack, I am not going 453 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:51,720 closer. There's something pale near the 454 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,360 surf. I think it's driftwood or 455 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:58,280 probably just a plastic bag. But the problem with probably is 456 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,360 that it leaves too much room. For a second I thought it was a 457 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:04,280 person, and my mind wanted me to think it was Lila. 458 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,000 I don't even know what Lila looks like well enough for that. 459 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:11,320 I've seen her. Obviously Cedar Bend is too 460 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,200 small not to see everyone eventually, but she's one of 461 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,640 those women I never really looked at because looking felt 462 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,440 rude because she was attached to Dennis and looking at her felt 463 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:25,320 wrong, like I was violating her. She had dark hair I think, or 464 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,480 light brown. Or maybe I'm making that up. 465 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,200 Isn't that awful to be frightened for a woman and not 466 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,840 even know what her face looked like? 467 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,360 Correctly. The pale thing moved. 468 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,840 No, No, it didn't. The water moved around it, and 469 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,800 that's different. I'm going to walk back to the 470 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,200 car. I shouldn't be here. 471 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:42,560 I'm going home. Jack. 472 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,800 Jack, there's a radio in my car. Just turned on. 473 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,760 I'm not in the car, Jack. I'm 10 feet away from it. 474 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,240 Maybe I left it on. No, no, I turned it off. 475 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:57,320 I know. I turned it off. 476 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,720 It's that same song, that old song, Jack. 477 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,200 I hear. I hear it through the closed 478 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:03,160 doors. That's not possible. 479 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,520 The keys are in my pocket, Jack. And now they are in my hand. 480 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:12,440 The keys are in my hand. There you are. 481 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,040 For those of you driving home tonight, Please remember to 482 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,040 check your back seat, your mirrors and shape, your absence 483 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:22,400 left behind. Hey CBN, we keep what keeps you. 484 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,400 Jack, I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now. 485 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,120 Jack, it's 1:34 AM and I'm driving home. 486 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,480 I'm so close to home, I'm almost there. 487 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,520 I don't want to talk but I think if I stop talking any longer 488 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,640 I'll start hearing the radio even though it's been off. 489 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,200 So I'm talking. The road looks different at 490 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,960 night and I know that sounds ridiculous. 491 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,680 I know it's the same Rd., it's the same reflective light 492 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:52,600 shining up like animals eyes with headlights hitting them, 493 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,000 but everything looks like it's been moved a little. 494 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,440 Not enough to get lost, just enough to make home feel less 495 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,400 guaranteed. I passed by the deer again, the 496 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,000 one with the flowers. I slowed down even though I 497 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,320 didn't mean to. The deer is still there. 498 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,280 The flowers are still upside down, but now there are more of 499 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:12,160 them, and I know there are. There was maybe 12 this 500 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,640 afternoon, maybe 15. Now there are dozens all around 501 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,760 it, in the ditch and on the shoulder, and some stuck in the 502 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,200 cracks of the pavement, the stems up and the petals down, 503 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,320 like something is blooming wrong from the road. 504 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:27,920 One of them was right in the middle of my lane, a little 505 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:29,560 white flower, and I drove over it. 506 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,960 I did not swerve, Jack, and I am proud of that. 507 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,520 Maybe, or maybe I am ashamed. I don't know. 508 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,880 I need to go home and I need Anka to be on the porch, and I 509 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:41,440 know that's silly. I know a cat is not an answer to 510 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,400 these problems, but I need him there. 511 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:47,440 I need one living thing to look at me like I am being dramatic. 512 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,360 I'll talk to you when I'm home, Jack. 513 00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:01,240 Jack, it's 1:58 AM and I am home and Anka is here. 514 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,920 He's on the porch, he's sitting right in front of the door like 515 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:08,880 he has been here waiting for me. And I was so relieved when I saw 516 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,320 him that I almost started crying when I turned off the car and I 517 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:16,240 am not proud of that. I got out and I said his name 518 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:19,360 like an idiot, and he looked at me with that little flat cat 519 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:22,800 face like he couldn't imagine why I'd be so emotional about 520 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,120 his schedule. And I dropped the keys on the 521 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,600 porch, that's how badly I was shaking Jack. 522 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:30,840 But I bent down to pick them up and Anca came over and rubbed 523 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:34,680 against my leg. And Jack, he had sand in his 524 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:37,880 fur, not dirt, and it wasn't dust. 525 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:41,200 It was sad. I felt it under my fingers when 526 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:45,240 I touched his back, little gritty pieces caught in the fur 527 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,760 near his shoulders and more on his paws. 528 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:52,200 Damp sand was stuck between his little toes and I stood there 529 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,840 with my hand on him and my mouth open like I had forgotten what 530 00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:59,080 words were for. He wasn't with me. 531 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,520 He was not in my car or at the beach. 532 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:06,240 He was gone all day, Jack. He purred that deep, pleased 533 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,400 little engine sound like he'd done something good. 534 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,760 And I kept thinking about Lila, and I keep thinking about 535 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:16,120 Dennis, saying she took some of her things, just some. 536 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:21,000 Some And I keep thinking about that mug in his office and I 537 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:25,480 keep thinking that maybe he No, no, I am not saying that. 538 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:26,920 Not tonight. I don't want to. 539 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:29,160 I don't Jack. I need to go to bed.