1 00:00:12,110 --> 00:00:16,760 Jack, Jack, I'm still here. I got out of the car I know I 2 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:18,360 shouldn't have. I know that. 3 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:22,160 I know sensible people do not stop on the side of the road and 4 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,560 they don't get out of their cars when there are police lights and 5 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:29,240 a white van and men carrying a body bag from the river. 6 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:31,920 A sensible person would have kept driving. 7 00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:34,520 Sensible people say that is none of my business. 8 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,240 And they go to work and they clock in and they tie their 9 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:40,600 aprons and ask strangers if they want cream with their coffee. 10 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:45,080 I'm not being sensible, Jack, but I am back in my car now. 11 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,920 I didn't get too close, but I got close enough to see mud on 12 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,880 everybody's boots. I was close enough to see the 13 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,480 way that the black bag shunned when the rain hit it. 14 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,680 It doesn't look real, Jack, and that's a stupid thing to say, 15 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,560 because it does actually look terribly real. 16 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,319 It looks more real than anything has looked, all weak. 17 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:08,960 But the roads look fake and the trees and the sheriff's car 18 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,320 looks like a toy. Somebody left too close to the 19 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:15,160 ditch and it got muddy. But that bag looks really real, 20 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,920 Jack. There were two men carrying it, 21 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,640 one at each end. Their hands were gloved. 22 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,800 And one of them kept looking down at his feet like he was 23 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,240 worried he was going to slip. And I kept thinking, oh, God, 24 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:30,080 don't drop her. I don't know why I thought her. 25 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,560 I don't know why, Jack. That's horrible. 26 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,640 Maybe because everybody's being so careful. 27 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,960 Maybe because the bag looks too small to be a man. 28 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,640 That's awful and dramatic, and I'm sorry. 29 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,800 I don't even know if it's true. Bodies probably look smaller 30 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,440 once they've been zipped up and carried away like luggage. 31 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:52,280 Oh God, Jack, I feel sick. Someone just looked at me. 32 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,680 One of the deputies. I kind of know him not well. 33 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,560 Cedar Bend isn't big enough to not know a face. 34 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,120 He comes into the diners sometimes. 35 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,680 He always gets black coffee and he never tips enough, which 36 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,240 feels like a cruel thing to remember right now. 37 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:10,320 When I got out of the car he asked me if I was all right and 38 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:13,240 I said yes, that was a stupid answer. 39 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,240 He looked at me like he didn't believe me, but not enough to do 40 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:19,160 anything about it. And he said there was nothing to 41 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:23,120 see here, which is also stupid because there's very clearly 42 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,880 something to see here. Everybody was seeing it. 43 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,320 I asked what happened and I shouldn't have. 44 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,080 I know I shouldn't have, but the words were already out of my 45 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,240 mouth before I could make myself polite. 46 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:38,600 He said you should get to work, Holly, not go home and not move 47 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,560 along, just get to work. Like that's what I was made for. 48 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,720 Like the road had opened its mouth and showed me something 49 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,960 terrible hidden in its crooked teeth, and the only correct 50 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,280 response was to go pour coffee over it. 51 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,240 I said I was on my way, and he just nodded and looked back at 52 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,760 the river. Everybody keeps looking back at 53 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,840 the river like they're worried it isn't finished. 54 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:04,480 One of the men near the van is holding up a bag, Jack. 55 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,720 A clear one. It's an evidence bag, I think, 56 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,400 and I can't really see what's inside. 57 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,680 Not really. It's dark and wet and it's all 58 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:15,080 twisted and it looks like the purple cloth. 59 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:19,160 Jack God, no, it's probably not. It's not the purple cloth. 60 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:22,640 It's probably rope or some piece of garbage the river dragged up 61 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,240 with her. Her. 62 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,080 There I go again. Her. 63 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,880 Oh, God, I need to leave. I need to get to work. 64 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,280 I'm going to be late, Jack. And I'm just sitting here with 65 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,280 rain down the back of my collar and my ankles are hurting so 66 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,000 badly all of a sudden I'm going to throw up. 67 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,280 I turn the heat on in the car and it smells wrong, like damp 68 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:46,760 leaves and little pennies. Cars can smell like that after 69 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:47,920 rain. That's normal. 70 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:52,400 Wet floor mats with muddy shoes and little dirty places people 71 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:57,760 forget to clean all over. And Jack, I'm going to work. 72 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,480 I have to go. I'm going to work. 73 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,960 I am going to be late. And Suzanne is going to look at 74 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:06,080 me with that tight little mouse she gets when she's deciding 75 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,880 whether to be angry or worried. And I'm going to put on my 76 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,840 apron, and I'm going to carry plates, and I'm going to not 77 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,880 think about that bag. I am not going to think about 78 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,240 how careful they were with it. And I'm not going to think about 79 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:32,960 the River Jack, it's me. It's 6:22 PM. 80 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,440 I'm in the bathroom at the diner again. 81 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,520 I should probably stop making this bathroom such a central 82 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,920 part of my emotional life, but here we are. 83 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:48,320 I was 40 minutes late today, 43 technically, because Frederick 84 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:52,720 said nice of you to join us in his annoying smug voice, and 85 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,320 then looked at the clock like he was doing math at me. 86 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,480 I think I'm starting to prefer our morning Frederick over the 87 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,160 evening Frederick. Suzanne didn't say anything at 88 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,720 first. She just looked at me. 89 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:07,800 Then she looked at my shoes, and I don't know why everybody keeps 90 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,080 looking at my feet lately. I told her there was something 91 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,400 on the road, an accident maybe. I don't know why I said 92 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,640 accident. Nobody else has said accident. 93 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,000 But saying body felt like putting something dirty on the 94 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,800 counter where people eat. And Suzanne's face changed. 95 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,960 She didn't look surprised. And that's the part that made me 96 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,600 feel cold. She didn't look surprised at 97 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,680 all. She looked like I had finally 98 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,080 said the thing everybody else had been carrying around 99 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:37,960 quietly. And she said, yeah, we heard 100 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:41,160 just that. Just her acknowledging that they 101 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:42,840 heard. Of course they heard. 102 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:46,160 The diner hears everything before it even happens and then 103 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:50,000 pretends it's just gossip. I asked if she knew who it was, 104 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,120 and Suzanne said no. And then she touched my arm 105 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,680 softly. I thought she touched it way too 106 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,200 carefully. And then she told me that I 107 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,960 should wash up and take Table 6. Table 6? 108 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,400 That felt mean, even though it wasn't. 109 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,760 I don't know what I have against Table 6 tonight, but there's 110 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,880 something. Everything feels mean tonight, 111 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,680 Jack. The coffee pot feels mean, and 112 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,960 every time the door opens and the little bell chimes, it feels 113 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,440 mean. Even the wet little footprints 114 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,720 customers leave on the floor feel mean because they keep 115 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,760 looking like they're walking toward me instead of away. 116 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,120 There's one set I keep noticing near the back hallway. 117 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,560 They're too faint to be anything. 118 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,640 They're probably just somebody's boots. 119 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,360 Probably Frederick's from coming inside after a cigarette break, 120 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,240 or Suzanne's shoes from when she went to check the storage room. 121 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,720 But they look bare. No, that's not true. 122 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,280 I know that isn't true. Bare footprints don't appear on 123 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:50,120 diner tile just because a woman is nervous and tired and keeps 124 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:54,000 thinking about rivers. Still, there are 5 little toe 125 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,080 shapes in the floor by the mop bucket. 126 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,800 Or at least there was. It's just water, Jack. 127 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:04,240 See, I can be reasonable. Everyone is talking about it, 128 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,320 though not loudly. They're talking in those little 129 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,520 careful half voices people use when they don't want to be 130 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:14,120 overheard, when they don't want to be held responsible for what 131 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:17,000 they're saying. That poor woman, that's what 132 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,440 Missus Gardner said, that poor woman. 133 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,200 So they do know it's a woman, or at least they think they do. 134 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,040 Or somebody told somebody who told somebody else, and now the 135 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,800 whole town is chewing on it like burnt gristle. 136 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:33,640 Mr. Nemec said the river's been high enough to carry something 137 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:37,200 from miles away, something not someone. 138 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:41,440 People keep doing that, too. They keep making her an object 139 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,960 before they let her be a person. Just something in the water and 140 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,600 something by the bank, something they found and something they 141 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,600 zipped up and took away in a white van. 142 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,320 I narrowly dropped a plate when he said miles away because I 143 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,120 thought, what if she wasn't from here? 144 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,080 But then right after I thought, what if she was? 145 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:05,360 And then right after that, I thought, what if I know exactly 146 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:10,480 who she is and I'm just waiting for everybody else to say it 147 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,640 first? I hate my head, Jack. 148 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,040 I hate how it makes shapes out of everything. 149 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,920 Rosemary's here today, and she looks better. 150 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:25,280 No, not really better, More arranged, that's the word. 151 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,920 Her hair is pinned back perfectly and her lipstick is 152 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,400 neat. Her apron is cleaned and ironed. 153 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:35,520 She looks like somebody copied Rosemary out of memory and made 154 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,280 sure all of the parts were there where they were supposed to be. 155 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,919 She said hello when I came in and I just said hello back like 156 00:08:42,919 --> 00:08:46,240 we were normal women who say normal things to each other 157 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:50,280 while bodies are being pulled up from rivers and days go missing 158 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,960 and cats come home with sand in their fur. 159 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:58,000 She still hasn't touched me, not once, not accidentally or not 160 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,960 even as she brushed past me. There was no brushing, not even 161 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,960 when she hands me plates. She sets things down near me, 162 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,560 never into my hand. I tried to pretend I didn't 163 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,320 notice, but I noticed. Jack. 164 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,720 Of course I noticed. That's what I do now. 165 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,720 I notice everything and I understand nothing. 166 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,360 I asked her if she heard about what happened. 167 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:23,080 She was filling the sugar dispensers, the little glass 168 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,200 ones with silver tops that always get sticky no matter how 169 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,360 often we wipe them down. She didn't look at me. 170 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,120 And she just said, everybody heard. 171 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,760 And I said, do they know who it was? 172 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,160 And she turned 1 of the sugar dispensers in her hand as if she 173 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,120 was looking for something in the glass. 174 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,600 And then she said, they will. I don't know what that means, 175 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,240 Jack. I mean, I know what it means. 176 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,760 They'll identify the body and they'll call someone. 177 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,520 And then someone will cry and someone will say, oh, God, I 178 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,520 knew it. And then someone will bring a 179 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,560 casserole, because that's how Townes handled us. 180 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,480 They feed it, but that isn't how she said it. 181 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,840 She said it like a promise or a warning. 182 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:08,160 And then I asked if she was all right, and she just smiled at 183 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:12,160 me, not with her mouth, but sort of near it, and she said, I'm 184 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:15,440 back, aren't I? Again, she said it again, and I 185 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,520 wanted to scream Jack. I didn't, of course. 186 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:23,400 I poured coffee for Table 6 so hard it splashed onto the saucer 187 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,720 and the man sitting there said careful sweetheart and I nearly 188 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,240 cried because I wanted to hit him with the pot. 189 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,920 I am not having a good night, Jack. 190 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,400 The light over the sink keeps flickering. 191 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:39,080 Not the whole bathroom, just this little buzzing light above 192 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,280 the mirror. It goes dim for a second and 193 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,600 then bright again, and then dim. And when it dims, the room 194 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,400 behind me looks bigger. I know it's just a trick. 195 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,640 The fluorescent lights make everything look cheaply haunted, 196 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,960 but for one second, Jack, the bathroom stalls looked like they 197 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,680 were further back than they should be. 198 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,200 It looked like there were more doors than just the three, like 199 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:04,320 there were 4 or maybe 5, and one of them had river mud under it, 200 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,760 and I don't even know why my brain is putting that together. 201 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,000 I hardly even saw anything. And then the light came back up 202 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,600 and it was only the same ugly tile and only the same little 203 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,600 sign telling the employees to wash their hands. 204 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,120 Like that has ever saved anyone. I should go back out. 205 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:24,000 Someone's going to knock if I stay in here much longer and the 206 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,960 mirror looks wrong and I keep expecting to look up and see 207 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,360 somebody behind me, somebody wet, somebody with a river in 208 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,640 her hair and somebody with her mouth open, and I'm going back 209 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:44,450 out. Jack, it's 8 O 9:00 PM. 210 00:11:44,930 --> 00:11:48,410 I'm by the back door. Frederick is outside smoking 211 00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:51,600 even though he said he quit, which is apparently something 212 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,320 people say when they mean they would like credit for wanting 213 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,680 to. Rosemary said something to me, 214 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,720 Jack. I don't know what to do with it. 215 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,800 God, I never know what to do with it anymore. 216 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,080 I was carrying a tray back to the kitchen, just some empty 217 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,600 plates and half eaten fries and a little cup of ranch someone 218 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,040 had stirred a straw into for reasons I don't want to 219 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,920 understand. Rosemary was standing near the 220 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,280 dish pit. She was just standing there, not 221 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,400 washing anything or putting anything away. 222 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,040 She was just looking at the water running under the faucet. 223 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,320 The sink was too full and the water had gone cloudy. 224 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,080 The ugly grey brown colour with the food bits floating in it. 225 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:30,880 Just disgusting and normal. And she said you shouldn't have 226 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:34,000 stopped Holly. I thought she meant the water. 227 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:38,080 I don't know why I said what? And she looked at me. 228 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:41,320 Then she met my eyes with hers and she really looked at me, 229 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,200 Jack. And God, she looked so tired. 230 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,520 And that's the first real thing I've seen in her face since she 231 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:51,240 came back. She set out on the road and I 232 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,280 felt my hands go loose around the tray I was carrying and one 233 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,720 of the forks slid and it clattered onto the floor. 234 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,560 And I swear the whole kitchen went quiet for half a second. 235 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:03,120 And then everything started again, the grill and the faucet 236 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,160 and Frederick outside coughing. And I said, how did you know? 237 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,800 I stopped and Rosemary looked down at the fork and she bent 238 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,440 over and she picked it up with two fingers like it'd been 239 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,400 somewhere dirty, which to be honest, the floor was pretty 240 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:19,200 disgusting that late in the day, and she said everybody stops. 241 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,920 I meant to ask her more but she stepped back before I could, 242 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,240 like she knew I wanted to keep asking. 243 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,400 And she dropped the fork into the sink and said, don't ask too 244 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,040 close to closing, Holly. And then she walked out. 245 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,640 Don't ask too close to closing. What does it mean, God, what 246 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,800 does any of it mean, Jack? I'm so tired of people in this 247 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,120 town saying things that sound like they were translated badly 248 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,840 from languages nobody even remembers speaking. 249 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,320 I'm tired of rules that nobody tells you about until after you 250 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,360 break them. And I am tired of people looking 251 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,440 at me like I am a door there waiting to see open. 252 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:58,240 And when Rosemary walked away, the faucet sputtered, not 253 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,160 loudly, it was just a little choke of the pipe and the water 254 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,760 came out darker for half a second. 255 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,200 Tea coloured, maybe Rust. Old pipes do that, they get 256 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,320 rusty. The junco is old enough to have 257 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:11,360 pipes that have too many problems. 258 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,800 And honestly, if I had been carrying dishwater and secrets 259 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,560 through my walls for this many years, I would have even more 260 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,040 problems than I already have too. 261 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:23,280 But there was a smell, Jack. Just for a breath, it was that 262 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,160 penny smell. And Frederick came in and said, 263 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,400 is the sink acting up again? And I said, yeah. 264 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,080 And he said it does that when they find somebody. 265 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,480 I stared at him, Jack, and he looked back at me like he hadn't 266 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:38,360 said anything odd at all. And then he wiped ash off of his 267 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,680 sleeve and said the plumbing's sensitive. 268 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:45,760 Plumbing is not sensitive. People in Cedar Bend keep saying 269 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:49,480 things like the world is full of Moody little organs and we are 270 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,800 all just rude for noticing them beating. 271 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,320 I should get back. Suzanne keeps watching me. 272 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,360 She's not looking at me unkindly. 273 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,920 But, Jack, I don't want kindness from anybody tonight unless I 274 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,800 can crawl inside of it and sleep there until morning. 275 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:15,760 All right, Jack, it's 10:37 PM. We're closing now, and I don't 276 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,080 know how I made it through tonight. 277 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,920 I mean it in the most practical way possible. 278 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,800 I don't remember carrying half the plates I must have carried, 279 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,320 and I don't remember refilling most of the coffee that I know I 280 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,120 refilled because the pots are empty and my wrists hurt from 281 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,280 holding them so long. My body did the shift without 282 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,360 me, and I hate that. I hate the idea of my body 283 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,240 knowing how to do things without asking me first. 284 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,160 At one point I found myself standing at table three with a 285 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,640 piece of pie in my hand and no memory of cutting it. 286 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,800 It was cherry, and it was too red, Jack. 287 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,560 That isn't fair to the pie. Cherry pie's allowed to be red. 288 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,720 That's almost the whole point of it, Jack. 289 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,480 But the filling had spilled over the side and down onto the plate 290 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,040 in this thick little line, and I had the most horrible thought 291 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,080 that if I touched it, it would be warm. 292 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:07,120 It wasn't. I checked with my finger, which 293 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,400 is disgusting, I know, I know it is. 294 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,200 I brought them a new slice. So don't look at me like that. 295 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,280 Rosemary left 20 minutes ago and she said good night to Suzanne 296 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,680 and then good night to Frederick and she did not say good night 297 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:21,080 to me. But when she passed behind me 298 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:25,200 she stopped just for a second, and she was close enough that I 299 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,920 could smell her perfume. It was old fashioned and powdery 300 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,360 with a little bit of floral that made me think of church 301 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,680 bathrooms and women who keep tissues tucked up their sleeves. 302 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,640 And she said very softly, don't go home hungry. 303 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,840 And then she left. That's all. 304 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,880 Don't go home hungry. Maybe she really just meant 305 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,960 food. Maybe she saw that I didn't eat 306 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,400 on my break. Maybe it was just a normal 307 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:53,000 thing, a Co worker says when she notices another woman shaking 308 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,360 too hard. But I don't think so. 309 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,720 I'm trying very hard not to make everything into a message, but I 310 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:03,320 am failing. Jack Frederick said I looked 311 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,200 like death warmed over, which was a rude but technically 312 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,319 generous thing to say because at least in that version, death 313 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:12,880 gets to be warm. Suzanne asked if I wanted her to 314 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,880 follow me home, and that almost made me cry. 315 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,880 Not because I wanted her to, and not because I thought it was a 316 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,960 nice offer, but because I almost said yes. 317 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:26,920 Can you imagine me and Suzanne driving down the old Church Rd. 318 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,040 in a sad little convoy, like two women with headlights could keep 319 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:34,640 the trees in their place? I told her no and that I was 320 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,200 fine and she looked at me like she didn't believe me. 321 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,000 Because nobody believes me when I say that anymore. 322 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:44,080 I don't even believe me, Jack. Before I clocked out, I went to 323 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,680 grab my coat and it wasn't where I left it. 324 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,920 I always hang it on the second hook, Jack. 325 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:54,680 Always the first hook is bent and the third one has gum stuck 326 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:58,240 near the bottom from God knows when, so I use the second. 327 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,480 But tonight it was on the third. Maybe I moved it and forgot. 328 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,640 That is the kind of thing I have to accept about myself now, I 329 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,960 guess. I move things and I forget. 330 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:12,040 Maybe days move and I forgot. Maybe bodies move and the whole 331 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,280 town just pretends that the weather did it. 332 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,360 There was something in my pocket. 333 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:20,200 It was a sugar packet, Jack, the little white kind from the 334 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,040 tables. There was no writing on it 335 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,960 except for the brand. But it was damp. 336 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,360 It was damp all the way through because the sugar inside had 337 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,680 gone hard, like 1 little brick. And I don't know why I'm telling 338 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,160 you this like it matters, because it probably doesn't. 339 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,280 Maybe tomorrow I will listen to this and wonder why I spent a 340 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:39,960 full minute of my life narrating my worries over wet sugar. 341 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,640 But Rosemary had been filling the sugar dispensers and then my 342 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,240 coat was moved and then there was wet sugar in my pocket. 343 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,760 So I'm telling you, I need to get out of this uniform, Jack. 344 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:53,040 It smells like coffee and fryer oil and other people's fear. 345 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,520 Or maybe that last part is just me. 346 00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:06,320 I'll talk to you in the car, Jack. 347 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:10,600 It's 10:58 PM now. I'm driving home and the road is 348 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,040 dark. And I know roads are dark at 349 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,840 night and it's not really that interesting or strange, but the 350 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,120 darkness feels thick. The trees are closer to the 351 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,800 shoulder, their branches are heavy with rain, hanging low, 352 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,880 like they're tired of holding themselves up. 353 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,760 And I keep thinking about the body bag, Jack. 354 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,960 I keep thinking about how black it was. 355 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,280 And that feels obvious, doesn't it? 356 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,160 Body bags are black. But I'd never really thought 357 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,960 about it before, not properly. Black is such a final colour, 358 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,360 Jack, It doesn't offer anything. I keep thinking about the way 359 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:45,400 the deputy said I should get back to work, like he knew 360 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,960 exactly where I belonged, and maybe everybody in Cedar Bend 361 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,080 belongs somewhere, and maybe that's a problem, because maybe 362 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,840 if you step too far out of your place, the town starts 363 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,560 correcting you. Jack, I'm sorry I'm rambling. 364 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,320 My head hurts and I'm so tired that I could feel my thoughts 365 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:05,160 losing their edges. There's a car behind me, not 366 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:09,000 really close, just headlights. I noticed it after I turned off 367 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,200 the main road and it's probably nothing. 368 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,760 And it's actually almost definitely nothing because 369 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,040 people do drive behind other people sometimes. 370 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,080 That's how roads work. That's why there are lanes and 371 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,160 mirrors and brake lights. But still, it's been there for a 372 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,840 while, Jack, and I'm turning onto my road now. 373 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,880 It turned 2. And you know what? 374 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,240 That's fine. That's allowed. 375 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,720 There are houses out this way. Roads go places. 376 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:40,080 I am not the only human who gets to live in these trees, and I'm 377 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,000 not going to make this into something I refuse to, Jack. 378 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:47,160 I'm too tired. The headlights are still there, 379 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,120 the same distance away, like they're tied to me, and that's a 380 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,280 stupid thought. That's a really dramatic 381 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,840 thought, Jack. I passed by the place where the 382 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,760 deer was or where it wasn't anymore. 383 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,000 My headlights caught something light. 384 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,760 For a second it was low to the ground and I thought it was a 385 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,360 flower. But then I looked in the rear 386 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,680 room mirror after I passed and there's nothing there. 387 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:10,840 It's just the headlights, Jack. And they flashed once like the 388 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,760 other driver had hit a bump. Or maybe the car blinked and 389 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,680 that's not funny. I didn't mean it blinked. 390 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,600 I'm almost home. I'm going to turn into the 391 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,440 driveway in a second. And whoever it is will keep 392 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,920 going and I will feel very silly and very dramatic and very 393 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,960 relieved, which is one of my least favorite emotional 394 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,640 combinations. OK, I'm turning in now. 395 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,600 God damn it, Jack. The headlights are turning 396 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:39,680 behind me. And no, no, it's OK. 397 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:40,600 It's OK. Wait. 398 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,920 Oh, oh, it's just. God, it's just Dennis, Jack, 399 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,880 Dennis's truck. I can see it now. 400 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,080 I am so stupid. Oh, thank God. 401 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,160 No, not thank God. I don't know. 402 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,560 My hands are shaking and I feel dumb and dramatic. 403 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,480 Jack. But he followed me. 404 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,920 Why did he follow me? Maybe he heard. 405 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,440 Of course he heard. Everybody heard. 406 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:01,800 I'm going to put you in my pocket. 407 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,920 I don't know why you're going in my pocket. 408 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,680 Maybe because I'm awful. Maybe because I need there to be 409 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,960 a witness that is at my own miserable head. 410 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,560 So I'm keeping you on just for a minute, Jack. 411 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,800 Dennis, you scared the hell out of me. 412 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,920 Yeah, I know. I know, sweetheart. 413 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,080 I'm I'm sorry. Did you follow me? 414 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,680 I saw you leave. So you followed me. 415 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,360 I didn't want this to be a phone call. 416 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,920 That doesn't answer the question, Dennis. 417 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,120 No, it doesn't. I know. 418 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:36,120 I wasn't trying to scare you. Then what were you trying to do? 419 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:42,200 Get here or change my mind. Change your mind about what? 420 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:47,160 I don't know all of it. Coming here and saying things I 421 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:50,240 can't say and standing in front of you like this. 422 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,320 Standing in front of me. Like what? 423 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,400 Like a man who don't know where his hands go. 424 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,120 I sat in the truck outside the Sheriff's Office for maybe 20 425 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:04,160 minutes after maybe more, I don't know, Kept thinking I 426 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,200 should go home. Then I kept thinking, what home? 427 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,600 You know what? What the hell am I going home 428 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:15,720 to? The sheriff's Dennis, Did they 429 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,400 call you? Yeah. 430 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:21,360 What did they say? They said they needed me to come 431 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:23,360 in. Why did they need you to come 432 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,520 in? Holly. 433 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,200 Dennis, why did they need you to go in? 434 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,360 To identify her. Her. 435 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:35,120 Don't make me say it like that. I need you to. 436 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,440 I need you to say it out loud, Dennis. 437 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,720 It was Lila. What? 438 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,280 It was her. Are you sure? 439 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,320 Are they sure? They asked me to come in and 440 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,080 look at her. Jesus Christ. 441 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,960 I thought I knew what a body looked like. 442 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:56,880 I mean, I seen my father after different thing, but still. 443 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,200 You think a person is a person until they ain't? 444 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,000 Dennis, you don't have to. Her hair was wrong. 445 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,160 Stop. I don't mean wrong like that. 446 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:09,200 I mean, I knew it was her before I knew it was her because her 447 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,400 hair never did what she wanted it to do. 448 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,280 Little pieces always came loose by her ears. 449 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,600 Trophy. She wet her fingers and smooth 450 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,800 them back and 5 minutes later it'd be loose again. 451 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,240 Oh God, Dennis, I'm sorry. I used to tease her for it. 452 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:29,480 That's what I thought about. Not anything good on our 453 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:34,560 wedding, not when we first met. Not all the things people 454 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,600 probably think they're supposed to think about. 455 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:42,600 I thought about teasing her about her hair, her getting mad 456 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:47,240 at me for it. That's the wrong thing, ain't 457 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:48,360 it? No, it's. 458 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,360 It's not. Feels wrong it. 459 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,680 Sounds human, Dennis. Human's a generous word for me 460 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,800 right now. Don't do that. 461 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,520 Do what? Don't make me argue with you 462 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:04,600 while you're hurting. I I didn't know where else to 463 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,840 go. OK, well, come inside. 464 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,920 Holly. You need to sit down and I can 465 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:12,720 get you a drink. I should be here. 466 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,920 I know. I don't know what to do. 467 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,320 Sit down. That's that's what you need to 468 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,000 do. You need to sit down, Dennis. 469 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:22,160 Sit down. Yes. 470 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:27,680 Sit down, that's your answer. It's the only answer I have 471 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,040 right now. Vegas. 472 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:34,200 What? Nothing, just you making a chair 473 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,800 sound like mercy. Dennis, please. 474 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:39,600 Sorry. God, I'm sorry. 475 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,480 I didn't mean that other. Yeah, I don't know how to talk. 476 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,680 Everything I say comes out with teeth on it. 477 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,400 Then just don't talk for a minute, Dennis. 478 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:53,720 I can do that. He's staring at me. 479 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:59,240 Yeah, he he does that. No he don't no like that. 480 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,280 He doesn't like the rain. I don't think it's the rain he 481 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,640 doesn't like. Dennis. 482 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,800 Right. Sorry, sorry. 483 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:13,600 Just come inside. If I come in, I don't know if 484 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,080 I'll be able to leave tonight. Then don't, Holly. 485 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,560 Dennis, you can stay on the couch. 486 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,440 You don't owe me that. I know. 487 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,360 You sure? I'm not sure about anything 488 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,600 anymore. There's that honesty again. 489 00:26:35,990 --> 00:26:39,390 Jack, it's Lee. I don't know how, Lee. 490 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:45,280 The kitchen clock says it's 146, but the minute hand has been 491 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,520 twitching instead of moving, and I don't have enough room in my 492 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:52,800 head tonight to argue with time. I'm trying to stay quiet because 493 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,520 Dennis is still asleep on the couch. 494 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,280 I know, God, Jack, I know how that sounds. 495 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,840 I know every single version of how that sounds, actually, and 496 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:05,320 none of them are kind. But I was watching him come 497 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,440 apart, Jack. Not loudly, not in some grand 498 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,800 way. He didn't fall to his knees or 499 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,440 hit the side of his truck or scream her name to the trees 500 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,760 like men do in films when grief needs to prove it's large enough 501 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,320 to deserve a whole scene. He just stopped holding himself 502 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:22,280 together, and that's somehow worse. 503 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,200 One second he was standing there in the rain with his jaw tight 504 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,640 and his hands at his side, like he could keep the whole knight 505 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,560 from touching him if he stayed still long enough. 506 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,040 And then he said her name, and then something in him just went 507 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,680 slack. I don't know how else to say it. 508 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,520 I turned you off because I felt wrong to keep you listening. 509 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:42,000 And that might be hypocritical. I know, I know. 510 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,360 I've let you hear plenty of things I probably shouldn't 511 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:46,520 have, and I told you things I should have swallowed. 512 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,360 I've made you sit in diner bathrooms and cars and kitchens 513 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:51,920 and listen to me peel myself open. 514 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,080 Because apparently privacy is only sacred when it belongs to 515 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,640 someone else. But this is different. 516 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,680 Jack and I just. I couldn't leave him out there. 517 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,360 I couldn't stand there with the rain coming down and the trees 518 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:06,240 watching us and his wife dead and tell him to go home. 519 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,440 Maybe a stronger woman could have. 520 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,080 Maybe a better woman should have. 521 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,960 But I brought him inside and I made coffee because I didn't 522 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,400 know what else to do with my hands. 523 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,080 Coffee is a stupid answer to a dead wife, I know that. 524 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,040 But it was warm, and it gave me something to put in front of 525 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,520 him, something to do besides stare at his face and wonder 526 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:26,880 what grief is supposed to make a person look like. 527 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:30,800 He didn't really drink it. He held the mug for a long time, 528 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:33,480 though, both of his hands around it, like the warmth was the only 529 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:37,000 thing keeping him from shaking. I asked him if he wanted me to 530 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,160 call someone, and he said no, and then he said who would I 531 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,520 call? And I didn't have an answer for 532 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,160 that. Jack, there are awful moments 533 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:48,240 where you realize someone's loneliness has been sitting 534 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,440 beside yours the whole time I sat beside him. 535 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:55,880 I didn't really sit too close at first, but then I sat too close. 536 00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:57,760 I know, God, Jack. I know. 537 00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:00,240 OK, I know. And there should be a correct 538 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,440 way to sit beside a man whose wife had just been found dead. 539 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,600 There should be a proper distance, a moral distance, 540 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:11,600 something you can measure with a ruler and say, there, that's 541 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:13,840 grief. And this over here is sin. 542 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:16,800 And as long as you keep your knees on the right side of it, 543 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:20,000 you're still a decent person. I don't think I kept to the 544 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,320 right side. I don't think I ever even looked 545 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:24,200 for it. He leaned forward with his 546 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,480 elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, and I put my hand 547 00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:29,920 on his back. That's all I did is I just put 548 00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:31,560 my hand between the shoulder blades. 549 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:35,440 His shirt was damp from the rain and it was cold, and I could 550 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,240 feel him breathing under my palm, Not smoothly, not like 551 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:41,040 somebody would when they're sleeping, but like each breath 552 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,680 had to climb up out of somewhere deep and ugly. 553 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:47,520 And then he turned to me, not dramatically, but just enough 554 00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:50,320 that he could put his forehead against my shoulder, and I held 555 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,160 him. I didn't pull away, and I didn't 556 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:53,880 ask the questions I should have asked. 557 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,800 I didn't ask him why he didn't report her missing, and I didn't 558 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:02,680 ask how long a while ago was. God, I hate that I even thought 559 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,040 of those questions. Dennis was shaking. 560 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:09,000 He was shaking like something inside of him and finally gone 561 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,200 cold. And I wanted to comfort him 562 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:15,600 because God, Not because I'm noble, not because I'm 563 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:18,360 forgiving, and not because I understand anything, but because 564 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:20,360 I care about him, Jack, too much. 565 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:23,520 I care about him too much. And that has made me stupid in 566 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:27,320 ways I can't dress up nicely enough for me to forgive myself. 567 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:33,720 His wife is dead, Lila is dead, a woman is dead. 568 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:38,000 And I was sitting on my couch with her husband's face against 569 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:42,960 my shoulder, feeling needed. That is an ugly thing to admit. 570 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,400 And it's even uglier. That part of me was relieved 571 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:48,240 that he came here. I'm not happy. 572 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:53,000 No, God, I'm not happy. I'm relieved because he could 573 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,040 have gone anywhere. He could have gone home. 574 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:56,480 He could have gone to the auto shop. 575 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,120 He could have driven until the road ran out. 576 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:04,840 And instead he came here to me. And some small, horrible, lonely 577 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,880 part of me took that and held on to it like a gift. 578 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:11,720 I don't know what that makes me. God, I'm afraid to know what 579 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:14,880 that makes me. He's still asleep on my couch, 580 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,640 not in my bed yet. I need you to know that for some 581 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:22,080 reason, not like it helps, furniture does not have morals. 582 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:26,200 I put the old quilt over him, the one that my mother made me 583 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:29,680 with the uneven stitching. He didn't wake up when I did. 584 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:33,560 He looks softer asleep, but I think everybody does. 585 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:35,920 Sleep forgives the face a little. 586 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:39,360 His hands are under the blanket and I'm glad because I don't 587 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:40,440 want to look at them. To night. 588 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,960 Before he fell asleep, he asked if I thought she knew. 589 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:48,480 I said knew what? He said that I was sorry. 590 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:53,240 I didn't know what that meant. Sorry for her being dead or 591 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:56,480 sorry about me, or sorry for all of it. 592 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,520 Sorry for something specific and sharp that he did not want to 593 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:04,400 hand me in the dark. So I just said, I think people 594 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,680 know more than what we give them credit for. 595 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,720 And I think that was a terrible answer because he said that's 596 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,120 what I'm afraid of. I keep hearing that sense over 597 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,000 and over. That's what I'm afraid of. 598 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,240 It can mean grief. It can mean guilt. 599 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:21,120 It can mean both because maybe grief and guilt are just two 600 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,200 hands around the same throat. I don't know. 601 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:27,080 I'm too tired to know. And Uncle won't come near the 602 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:29,640 door now. He was on the porch when he came 603 00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:32,440 up the steps, sitting right in front of the door, tail wrapped 604 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,200 around his feet. And I said his name, and he 605 00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:38,120 looked at me, and then he looked at Denis, and he stayed exactly 606 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:41,680 where he was, and Denis noticed. I know he did. 607 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,920 He tried to Crouch down and hold his hand out, and Unka made the 608 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:46,960 sound I never heard him make before. 609 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:50,600 Not a hiss, exactly. It was lower and meaner, 610 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:54,760 sounding like something small. Remembering it used to be wild, 611 00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:58,600 Dennis pulled his hand back and he actually apologized to the 612 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,760 cat and that almost made me laugh or cry. 613 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:04,440 Maybe those two things are closer together than I would 614 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:07,680 like to admit. I told Unka he was being rude 615 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:10,160 and he just blinked at me like I was being stupid. 616 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:14,360 Maybe I am, but he's still out there now, Unka. 617 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,360 I mean, on the porch. I could see him through the 618 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:18,680 window. From where I'm sitting. 619 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:21,880 He's just a dark little shape against the glass, watching the 620 00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:26,560 couch, watching Dennis. He hasn't blinked in a while. 621 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,760 The cats do that. They stare, and maybe that's all 622 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,640 this is. May Bianca doesn't trust men who 623 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:35,720 arrive in the rain. Maybe he smells the river on 624 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,480 Dennis's boots. Maybe I do too. 625 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:40,960 No, no, I'm not doing that tonight. 626 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,640 I can't. He is asleep on my couch under 627 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:47,240 my mother's quilt, and his wife is dead and I am too tired to 628 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:50,560 hold every possible version of him in my head at once. 629 00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:55,920 Tonight he is grieving. Tomorrow can be cruel if it 630 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,200 wants to. Tomorrow can ask all of its 631 00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:01,360 questions and can make me look at his hands. 632 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:04,640 I don't want Dennis waking up alone, and I don't want to be 633 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,680 alone either. Anka is still at the window 634 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:10,480 watching him. I wish he would blink. 635 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:12,199 Good night, Jack.