1
00:00:15,470 --> 00:00:17,270
Good morning Jack. 
It's me. 

2
00:00:17,550 --> 00:00:19,830
It's June 1st and it's eight O 
6. 

3
00:00:19,990 --> 00:00:22,590
AMI just woke up a little while 
ago. 

4
00:00:23,030 --> 00:00:26,910
I don't feel right saying just 
woke up like that because it 

5
00:00:26,910 --> 00:00:29,150
makes it sound soft, doesn't it 
Jack? 

6
00:00:29,390 --> 00:00:33,320
It makes it sound gentle, like I
stretched and I blinked at the 

7
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,160
sunlight and I came back into 
myself, all slow and sweet. 

8
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:41,160
And that is not what happened. 
I woke up all at once, Jack. 

9
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:45,000
I had been dropped back into my 
body from somewhere way up high.

10
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:48,480
I had another dream. 
I mean, it was a dream, I know 

11
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:51,440
that, but it really didn't feel 
like, well, not in its usual 

12
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,920
way. 
It didn't have that strange 

13
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:58,040
floating logic to it, where one 
thing becomes another and you 

14
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,040
just accept it because you're 
sleeping and your mind is too 

15
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:04,400
stupid to protest it. 
This felt more certain. 

16
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,840
It started in the clearing 
again. 

17
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:10,600
The grass was wet and the trees 
were way too still. 

18
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:15,280
Despite hearing the wind, the 
air had that same thick feeling 

19
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,280
to it, like the whole woods were
holding its breath and waiting 

20
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:23,800
for me to do something wrong. 
I looked down, expecting to see 

21
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:28,680
myself, my bare feet maybe, and 
my toes in the mud, and that hem

22
00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,520
of a Pretty Little dress I would
never wear awake. 

23
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,080
But they weren't mine, Jack. 
They were feet, obviously. 

24
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:40,200
Human feet, not hooves or claws 
or anything that dramatic. 

25
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:43,800
I'm not trying to sound 
ridiculous, but they weren't 

26
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:48,840
mine and I knew it immediately. 
Not because they were horribly 

27
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,120
different or because they had 
had six toes. 

28
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,080
You know how sometimes you hear 
your own voice on tape and even 

29
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,520
though it's your voice, it just 
feels wrong? 

30
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:02,640
It's familiar, but like someone 
made a version of you out of the

31
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:06,040
correct parts and didn't really 
put them together right? 

32
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,680
It felt like that. 
I remember staring down at them 

33
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:14,400
and thinking, those are not my 
feet, those do not belong to me.

34
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,360
And then before I could even 
move properly, something grabbed

35
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,080
me. 
It grabbed me by my ankles, both

36
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,520
of them, and they were hands, 
Jack. 

37
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:27,600
I never saw a face and I never 
saw a body, and I couldn't turn 

38
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,960
enough to see who it was. 
And maybe that was part of it. 

39
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:35,000
Maybe whatever dream I was in 
didn't want me to know who it 

40
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,720
was. 
All I saw were hands clamped 

41
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,720
around those, not my own ankles,
and then I was being dragged 

42
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:45,800
backwards through the woods and 
my hands kept catching on roots 

43
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,400
and stones and little broken 
branches. 

44
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:52,840
I could feel every awful bit of 
every scrape and jolt, and my 

45
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:58,080
body, or at least the body I was
in, kept twisting and kicking 

46
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,600
and I was trying to grab at 
anything I could reach Jack 

47
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,760
fistfuls of wet leaves and dirt 
and Moss, but none of it helped.

48
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:10,160
It all just tore under my 
fingers, or well, somebody 

49
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,480
else's fingers. 
I was screaming, I know I was. 

50
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,960
I could feel it in my throat, 
that raw, ripped open feeling. 

51
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:22,160
But the woods kept swallowing 
the scream's whole, and all the 

52
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,560
while I knew where I was being 
taken. 

53
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:29,160
I didn't have to see the river 
yet to know I was being taken to

54
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,440
the river. 
You could just tell, can't you? 

55
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:35,400
Sometimes the place gets so 
lodged up in you that even 

56
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,920
blindfolded, you know when it's 
near. 

57
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:41,920
The trees thinned out and the 
ground turned soft, and I could 

58
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,480
hear the water rushing. 
I started fighting harder then, 

59
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,880
because even in dreams there are
some places you don't want to be

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00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,080
carried toward. 
Even when the feet aren't yours 

61
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,840
and the hands aren't yours, and 
maybe none of the body belongs 

62
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,240
to you at all. 
Still, something in me new If I 

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00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,680
reached the river, something 
worse would happen. 

64
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:05,400
Jack, I didn't make it that far.
I woke up right before the bank,

65
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,160
right before I hit the mud, and 
I woke up because there was a 

66
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,520
weight on my chest, and for one 
horrible second I thought 

67
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,800
something had followed me out of
the dream. 

68
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,920
Jack. 
But it was just Unka. 

69
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:21,680
He was just there, laying right 
on top of me like he belonged 

70
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,640
there, purring so hard his whole
little body shook with it. 

71
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,120
Jack, he's never came inside 
before. 

72
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,960
Not once. 
He wouldn't even come over the 

73
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,720
threshold when it was storming, 
and he wouldn't come in for dry,

74
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:39,160
warm, leftover chicken or cat 
food, or even all the 

75
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,240
embarrassing little coaxing 
noises I made at him. 

76
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:47,360
And yet this morning he was on 
my chest in my bed like it was 

77
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,800
the most ordinary thing in the 
world. 

78
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,320
I just laid there for a minute 
with one hand on him because 

79
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:57,680
what else do you do, really? 
He was warm and he smelt like 

80
00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:01,400
dust and outside and that sun 
warmed animal smell. 

81
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:05,160
He looked up at me once and 
blinked like I was the one 

82
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,360
behaving strangely. 
Maybe Dennis let him in before 

83
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,400
he left. 
That would make sense, wouldn't 

84
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,000
it? 
Dennis is gone, by the way. 

85
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,960
He left before I could wake up. 
He must have left early for the 

86
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,880
shop. 
The bed was cool on his side 

87
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,760
when I rolled over, and there's 
a mug in the sink that wasn't 

88
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,840
there before, and I'm still 
wearing his shirt, so he was 

89
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:29,160
here. 
I didn't imagine that part, at 

90
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,360
least. 
There's something very intimate 

91
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,200
about waking up, and someone 
else's shirt isn't there. 

92
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,960
I don't know whether to be 
pleased with myself or ashamed. 

93
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,760
Jack. 
Maybe both, maybe that's the 

94
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,800
proper thing. 
Anka stayed on me until I sat 

95
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,040
up, and then he hopped down like
he'd only come inside to 

96
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,360
supervise whatever nightmare 
nonsense I was getting up to in 

97
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,040
my sleep. 
He's back out on the porch now. 

98
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,640
He half begged with loud meows 
for me to let him out, so I did,

99
00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,560
and now he's just out there 
lazing around as if the bed 

100
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,360
thing never happened, as if he 
didn't cross a line he had been 

101
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,840
guarding for dates. 
I checked my ankles after I got 

102
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:12,160
up, they're still bruised and 
still ugly with scrapes and cuts

103
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,040
and I don't know what I expected
exactly. 

104
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,960
Probably finger marks, maybe 
fresh ones, and a little neat 

105
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,240
answer stamped on to my skin 
about what was happening. 

106
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,800
But of course there was no 
answer there, just the same old 

107
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,680
dark shapes wrapping around the 
bones, like my body is 

108
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,640
remembering something that my 
mind still refuses to. 

109
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:33,880
I'm working the dinner shift 
tonight. 

110
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,440
Rosemary's going to be there for
the overlap, and I haven't 

111
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,040
decided whether I'm relieved or 
not about that. 

112
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,360
Part of me wants to catch her 
alone and ask her where the hell

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00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,560
she was and why she looked at me
like that yesterday, and the 

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00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,240
other part of me doesn't want 
her too close at all. 

115
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:53,200
That sounds mean, Jack, Or 
paranoid or both. 

116
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,280
I don't know. 
I'm going to make coffee and 

117
00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:00,640
then shower very reluctantly 
because I smell sort of like 

118
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:03,440
motor oil still. 
I'll talk to you later, Jack. 

119
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:17,720
Jack, it's 3:41 PM and I'm 
parked Outback at the diner. 

120
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:21,400
I got here a little early 
because I didn't much feel like 

121
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,400
sitting at home thinking myself 
sick for another hour. 

122
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:29,960
The Sky's sort of overcast, not 
really rainy, just a flat white 

123
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,080
grey colour that makes 
everything look washed out. 

124
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,400
Anca was still on the porch when
I left, and I almost told him 

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00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,760
goodbye because I have enough 
problems without becoming the 

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00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,320
sort of woman who gives a cat 
updates on her work schedule 

127
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,640
like he's her husband waiting up
for her. 

128
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,760
Though honestly, he might listen
better than most men. 

129
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:53,720
I keep thinking about the dream,
Jack, about those feet not being

130
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,120
mine. 
It's one thing to be frightened 

131
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,160
in your sleep, and it's another 
thing entirely to wake up 

132
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,000
feeling like maybe what 
frightened you wasn't fully 

133
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:06,080
yours to be frightened of. 
I'm being dramatic again, and I 

134
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,360
know that, Jack, but it's 
getting harder to call myself 

135
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,600
dramatic when every other day 
something happens that would 

136
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,360
sound ridiculous coming out of 
anyone else's mouth. 

137
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:19,480
I should go inside. 
I can see Rosemary's car and 

138
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,480
that makes my stomach feel 
strange. 

139
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,840
I'll talk to you after work, 
Jack. 

140
00:08:32,870 --> 00:08:36,909
It's 9:36 PM now, Jack, I'm in 
my car. 

141
00:08:37,110 --> 00:08:40,510
I haven't started it yet. 
I just wanted a minute before I 

142
00:08:40,510 --> 00:08:42,630
drove home. 
You know, I don't know why the 

143
00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:46,030
car always feels like the right 
place to talk to you after a 

144
00:08:46,030 --> 00:08:48,720
shift. 
Just me and the seat belt and 

145
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:52,240
the smell of old upholstery and 
whatever thoughts I didn't have 

146
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,080
room to think while people were 
asking for more coffee and 

147
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,720
ketchup. 
An extra napkin. 

148
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:01,640
Tonight wasn't busy, exactly, 
but it felt wrong anyway. 

149
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:06,160
Rosemary was perfectly polite, 
and that's somehow worse than if

150
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,920
she had just been rude to me. 
She said hello to me, and she 

151
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,960
asked how I was feeling in that 
plain little way people do when 

152
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,240
they don't want to actually hear
the answer. 

153
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,920
I said I was fine, which was a 
lie, but not one worth 

154
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,200
correcting. 
I tried a few times to catch her

155
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:27,920
by herself, once near the coffee
station and once when she was 

156
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,080
restocking the creamers. 
Both times she slipped away 

157
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,440
before I could get more than a 
few words out. 

158
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:37,040
Not obviously, though. 
Not in a way that anyone else 

159
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,000
would notice, and that's what's 
making it so madding. 

160
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,520
It's not that she was avoiding 
me in a way that I could point 

161
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,360
at and accuse her of. 
It was just a pattern, a 

162
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:50,400
drifting off sort of thing, A 
sudden remembering of a task in 

163
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,320
the kitchen, or some customer at
the counter, or just some reason

164
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,200
to not be standing still with me
for too long. 

165
00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,840
At some point I asked her if she
was feeling better, and she said

166
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,400
much. 
Just a single word. 

167
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,040
She answered too quickly, and 
then I asked if she'd been home 

168
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,400
the whole time she was out sick,
and she just looked at me. 

169
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:14,400
Not for long, just a little 
look, a measuring one, like she 

170
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,240
was deciding how much of this 
was safe to answer. 

171
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,400
And then she said, I'm back now,
aren't I? 

172
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:24,160
And turned away to refill 
somebody's coffee before I could

173
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,600
say anything else. 
And it annoyed me so much, Jack.

174
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:31,360
Not because she was being rude, 
but because she wasn't being 

175
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,240
rude. 
She was answering all of this in

176
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,680
some nonchalant way that made 
everything seem normal. 

177
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:41,320
I kept noticing little things 
after that, the way that she 

178
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,640
never brushed against me in 
passing, and the way that she 

179
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,320
set down a stack of plates near 
me instead of just handing them 

180
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:52,280
to me directly, and the way that
every time I came close, she 

181
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,880
found somewhere else to be. 
And maybe I'm just imagining 

182
00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:00,280
that Jack, maybe I'm building a 
whole miserable cathedral out of

183
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,760
broken up toothpicks, but it 
didn't feel imagined. 

184
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,520
It felt deliberate. 
She left before I could corner 

185
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,800
her again, which sounds insane 
now that I say that out loud. 

186
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,200
She said good night to the room 
more than to me, if that makes 

187
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,440
sense. 
And after that, the rest of the 

188
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:20,240
shift was just, well, just the 
shift, customers and coffee. 

189
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,600
A child who spilled his milk and
cried like someone had shot him.

190
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,480
Because children are more 
dramatic than I am, apparently. 

191
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,840
Frederick had burnt his hand on 
a pan and swore under his 

192
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:32,600
breath, which was honestly the 
most normal thing to happen 

193
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,800
today. 
I think at one point I caught 

194
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,600
myself staring at people's 
hands. 

195
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,200
That's a disgusting sentence, 
isn't it, Jack? 

196
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:43,640
But I did everyone's hands. 
A man turning a spoon over in 

197
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,760
his fingers while he waited for 
pie. 

198
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:50,160
A woman folding a receipt into 
smaller and smaller squares. 

199
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,520
And then there were Frederick's 
thick knuckles, and then my own 

200
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,880
hands shaking a little when I 
poured coffee into a mug. 

201
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,600
And I kept thinking about the 
dream, about those hands around 

202
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,120
my ankles and those fingers that
weren't mine. 

203
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,880
And then, because I'm apparently
determined to make a misery out 

204
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:10,760
of everything, I kept thinking 
about Dennis's hands, about the 

205
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,680
way he touched my ankle 
yesterday when he was looking at

206
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:16,880
the cuts and the bruises and the
bandage that he wrapped around 

207
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:20,960
my foot and his hand at my wrist
and then at the back of my neck.

208
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,840
And the little ordinary 
kindnesses, or what felt like 

209
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,600
them at the time. 
I don't know why I'm saying all 

210
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,800
of this. 
I think I'm just tired, Jack, 

211
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:33,160
and I should really go home. 
And Jesus Christ. 

212
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,240
Got Jack. 
It's Gordon. 

213
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:39,720
Hold on. 
What are you doing? 

214
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,040
What? 
What the hell are you talking 

215
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,200
about? 
Wait. 

216
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:56,600
No, please don't walk away. 
Oh, Jesus Christ, Jack. 

217
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,280
He's he's gone. 
He's gone around the side of the

218
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:00,840
building. 
Where? 

219
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:02,920
I don't know. 
I don't know where he went. 

220
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:07,720
Jack, why would he say that? 
Why did he say that? 

221
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,160
I know he meant Dennis. 
I know he did. 

222
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:13,400
I feel it deep in my gut. 
Jack Gordon is just a sick 

223
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:17,360
bastard who enjoys saying things
that lodges in people's heads 

224
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,920
and rot there. 
Gordon doesn't get to just do 

225
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this. 
He doesn't get to just walk up 

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to my car like some nightmare 
with a human face and say one 

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filthy little sentence and leave
me here to choke on it. 

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Dennis was kind to me. 
He was. 

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He's gentle and kind and he came
when I called and he stayed and 

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he made coffee in my kitchen and
he slept next to me in my bed 

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all night. 
And that is what happened. 

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That is what I know. 
And still, oh, I hate this. 

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I hate that there's even Stella.
And still, why did Gordon even 

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say it like that? 
Not angry and not smug, not even

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pleased with himself. 
He just sounded oh, God, Jack, 

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I'm not giving him this. 
I'm not giving him the 

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satisfaction of this. 
I'm going home. 

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I'm going home, Jack. 
I just know I don't want to sit 

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in this parking lot another 
second. 

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I'll talk to you tomorrow.