Dear sensitive men, there is a time for everything and a season
for every activity under the heavens.
A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time
to uproot. Some of you have left already
because you know this is from the Bible.
That's cool. Stay with me, everyone else.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build.
A time to weep and a time to laugh.
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
Good opposite. I wonder what the Hebrew is
there? A time to search and a time to
give up. A time to keep and a time to
throw away. A time to tear and a time to
mend. A time to be silent and a time
to speak. A time to love and a time to
hate and a time for war and a time for peace.
Dear sensitive men, there's a time for everything.
And I'm on that list too, of sensitive gentlemen.
Gentlemen, sensitivity is a sense of gentleness.
And I wonder if if you felt like this sensitivity is a burden for
you, if it's something you've had to drag around, something
you've always had to cope with, work through something that gets
in the way, something this sensitivity that holds you back
for a, for a lot of us, it holds us back because what are we
taught in society today? If you are sensitive to the
elements, if you are sensitive to emotion, if you are sensitive
to the external world, well, jeez, you walk outside, you're
getting hit with 1000 arrows. It's a lot.
Be quiet, watch, it's a lot. We can call it over stimulated.
You may have read the book Highly Sensitive people.
So you consider yourself an hospital.
And if you want to put yourself in that box, if it helps you
out, go for it. I don't do those videos anymore
and that's not how I I've decided to be of service to
people these days. I believe you are a unique
individual brought up with a certain set of circumstances.
You did your absolute best to survive and thrive.
And here you are now watching this video trying to make sense
of why you are the way that you are and the positive quality.
Sometimes you don't see we're we're we're conditioned to only
see the negative, to focus on the problems and how to fix
everything in ourselves. This is the masculine way, isn't
it? You know, we got to cross the
river. All right, let's just go through
on our boots. Let's build a bridge.
That thing's broken. Let me fix it.
I'm going to Canadian Tire. I'm going to get the new ratchet
set. I can't wait to fix the thing.
It's awesome. We love fixing stuff
psychologically. That's why therapy doesn't work
for a lot of men, because in good therapy, in good coaching,
you're not fixing stuff, man. You come to me and say, Scott,
I'm too sensitive, please cure me of my sensitivity.
I can't get out in the world anymore.
Stuff's too overwhelming. I hate myself for feeling so
much. I'm not.
There's nothing to fix there. Can you see that?
There's nothing to fix within
yourself, only things to understand.
Only a recovering of yourself from all the layers of shame
because of your sensitivity for judgment, because of this
sensitivity for things that you've avoided due to the
sensitivity which added on to the shame, which added on to the
thoughts. I'm not good enough.
I can't fit in. I'm too much of this, I'm not
enough that. And then we find ourselves in a
position where we think I'm not good enough for the world.
The world was not meant for me. Sometimes I walk down Queen St.
and you know, I think the same thing.
This bar wasn't meant for me. I don't drink anymore, really.
I don't want to pay $9 for a fucking Bud Light, OK?
All these clubs on King Street, those weren't meant for me.
I never liked going. I just went because I thought I
had to because I was young. I never liked the music.
I all these weed shops on Queen St. selling cannabis.
I don't want to get high anymore.
The commercial world in capitalism does not fit my
interests anymore. I want to play guitar, I want to
go down by the river, I want to see some good music and live
concerts, and I just want to watch the Jays win the World
Series. Sometimes you feel like you're
not part of the world because the world demands a certain
demographic to join it. And if you're sensitive,
sometimes that's not you. Maybe a lot of the time that's
not you. And then people search on Reddit
for people like them, and then you're in a world of trouble
because those are guys in their basement just jerking off all
day and you really don't want to be associated with that kind of
person anyways, even if they seem to be like you.
Stay off of Reddit, please, for your own mental health.
So what do you do with the sensitivity gentleman?
What do you do with it? And that's the ultimate
question. And that's the perfect question
to ask, which I'm sure you've asked yourself a bunch of times.
What do I do with this, Scott? What am I supposed to do?
Meaning that there's some kind of action you have to take.
There's some kind of prescription, not in a
medication sense, but we're all for it.
We're not against anything for treatment here.
But what do you do? What do you do?
I bet a lot of you, like me, have searched for the answer for
a long time. You know, in 2008 I was
diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety
disorder, major depressive disorder.
And you can imagine me, and I can imagine myself at 19 years
old not knowing what mental health was.
What the hell is a psychiatrist? Who is this guy in a suit
telling me I got stuff? What does that even mean?
I know I feel terrible, but what?
What? What?
There's pills for mood, Huh? What are you talking about?
You can imagine that for years and years, I searched.
I searched for the cure for this.
Yeah. I searched for the cure of what
is the right way to be because obviously there's something
wrong with me, so there must be something I can do about it and
something to make me right now and in a state of you trying to
fix this sensitivity, my friends, it's pushing a part of
you away from you. Instead of embracing the
sensitivity, we push it away because we don't like it.
And when we get angry with ourselves, we push it away and
we cry. We want to push that away and we
feel embarrassed. We want to push that away.
We feel anxious. We want to push that away.
And with more pushing and less embracing and less acceptance,
well, what happens to men all over the world?
You've seen the news. You felt that yourself, that the
world isn't meant for me. So I'm going to become bitter.
I'm going to start hating other people because I don't like
myself so much. I'm going to become so critical
of every decision I make and everything I feel, and therefore
other people will be able to sense this judgement that comes
from me because I judge myself so harshly.
Other people are mirrors into our own souls.
You can see how this sensitivity can lead to a whirlwind in a
spiral of shit. And it's until you realize and
until you come to terms with, not in a harsh way, but in a
almost a revelation that this sensitivity is a gift.
Now, right away you may have shut this off because you're
like, yeah, I've been told that before, Scott, one hell of a
gift. You gave me God shit.
And I'm 4 foot 7 and I'm sensitive.
Thanks, God. Thanks for giving me a chance on
Hinge. Yeah, that's the way gifts are.
It's the most suffering you can possibly take for the betterment
of others. At least that's what I've
learned. You know, and, and we get into
trouble when this sensitivity doesn't have an outlet.
The sensitivity has turned into criticism rather than
creativity. This criticism is completely
cyclical and it just stays within us and has no outlet.
It's consuming. It's consuming instead of
creating. And gentlemen, you were born to
create stuff. That's why you love fixing
stuff. That's why you've tried to fix
yourself for so long. Because in the process of that
self help book, you thought, I'm really getting somewhere.
I'm fixing, baby. Yeah, Tim the toolman, Taylor,
let's fix it up. And you get that dopamine spike
in that rush when you see that quote in that book called How to
Not Be an Ass Piece of Shit. And you're like, wow, this is
really working. Thanks, Deepak Chopra.
Then you finish the book and what changes, what has really
transformed? It's been a, it's been a
chemical high. And the change you're looking
for is a transformation. It has to be.
There's no other way. And I bet if you're a sensitive
man that you've been through hell.
I guarantee you've dealt with anxiety and depression like I
have sometimes. There's no way around that, only
through it. And I don't mean to make make
light of these things. You know, we're just having fun.
We're having a chat together here.
If any of my words have touched you in some way, actually let me
let me talk about that after. OK, so we've talked about how
this can be a bit of a burden and put you into shit spiral.
And then we go into fix mode and read all those books.
Yeah. And we watch all those YouTube
videos. Yes.
You think I'm talking to you? I'm talking to me.
I watched all those YouTube videos.
You watched one. I watched it twice.
I know them all. You feel good in the moment.
You got this sweet piece of advice.
You try to integrate. It doesn't really happen.
It works for a week. You feel good, you will back for
more. It's the same thing.
It's making your dopamine circuits real slippery and ready
for the next one. We've been programmed to engage
and to consume and we are in that feedback loop.
The good news is you can keep doing that and you can get those
momentary highs. But I know you're most likely
searching for something more because with sensitivity, you
are filled with this urge and this continual search for
something. And you may feel something's
off, you don't know what. And I've done everything right.
But why do I still feel off? I followed the rule book, man.
I did what my parents told me to do.
I went to school, got a good education, then I got a job and
maybe I got married and have kids.
And what is? I'm still not in it.
I'm not. Where was the revelation?
Where was the light coming down from the cloud saying you did
it? You did everything you're
supposed to here is happiness, fulfillment and contentment for
the rest of your life. Shing.
I wish it happened that way. Unfortunately it doesn't because
the external can't always and rarely touches the insides it
you know, people say you you watch the guys channels.
Yeah, you go to the gym, you get a six pack and then you look at
yourself in the mirror and then there's this feedback loop of
feeling better. I'm sure that happens sometimes.
I'm sure it does. But if you're really critical
about yourself and you have been for a long time, a physical
transformation might spark something new.
But what'll what'll happen when you look in the mirror?
Oh, I'm not big enough. Three times at the gym.
No, you got to you got to go for more.
No. And then you had a cheat day.
Oh, you asshole. Why G that?
Why G that pecan pie? Baby, we are on a roll with this
thing. We are four months in.
We're doing creatine every day. And now you messed up.
Now we're going back. Oh, my gosh.
And we got to start over again. All right, this time I'm going
to do it. This time, I'm going to be
ripped. This time it's going to work.
There's there's no amount of worldly gain.
There's nothing you can possess that can turn off that inner
critic because everything you gain, everything you get, no
matter what money, no matter what woman, if you really don't
like yourself, you've gotten compliments from people before
they hit off you like a sheet, like you have a shield.
It was we've had to protect ourselves from the external
because of this sensitivity. So even the good stuff that
comes to us like in Superman Returns when that bullet slow MO
hits his eye and just falls right off.
So why would we expect us getting more money, more stuff,
even a partner, even, you know, a new job that it would change
everything within us Because then you're not going to feel
proud of yourself. And then you could have done
better. You got the raise.
But compared to that guy, I wasn't good enough.
So what the hell am I doing? And I'm not doing a good enough
job. And that's where the pain is.
That's where it is. It's it's not necessarily if
you're watching this, you got an Internet connection, you
probably have a job, you're probably doing OK, you are.
So the extent, the more stuff you gain, what is that I got, I
got like another guitar and it made me happy for a bit, but
just because I can play different shit, I was happy for
a bit and then it turned into a tool that I use.
That's really it. Your sensitivity is a gift when
you realize that it's a gift for others.
And then you play the game of how to control this thing, how
to hold this thing, how to reassure this thing, how to tend
to this thing. Picture sensitivity like a
wound, not in a bad way, not a freaking huge gash where your
arms falling off. No, that's like, that's an acute
sensitivity where some some traumatic thing just happened.
But if you're sensitive, as we've been talking about, and
you got a little scrape on your shoulder, Yeah.
And you go outside and down the street here is Trinity Bellwoods
Park. Beautiful park full of hipsters.
Need to go play spike ball later.
And even the sun hitting this wound just burns.
And even just a gust of wind comes in.
Holy geez. And then your buddy comes and
Pats you on the shoulder. What's up, man?
Oh, my God. Sensitive.
Now, what do you do for this wound to heal?
Let's say it's a the gash. It even needs stitches.
Do you think you go to the hospital and the doctor's like,
what the hell are you doing? And knocks you in the face and
throws you down on the table. Get some stitches.
Put some anesthetic on them. Shut up, kid.
And then he stitches you up and slaps you on the face.
You're good to go. Now.
Suck it up now. Although I would pay to see a
doctor like that to tend it for yourself.
Even if it's not stitches or if you go to the hospital, a
regular hospital doctors will be gentle with the damn thing.
OK, if it's it needs stitches. All right, sit down here, son.
Let's see what you got. All right, we're going to need a
few stitches here. Let's clean up the wound a
little bit. Have a seat.
Put on the gown. Put on the gown to make yourself
feel real comfortable. And then, you know, they clean
it up. They stitch you up.
All right, you're good to go. Maybe take these antibiotics.
Here's another tetanus shot. Hold on one, 2-3.
It's just going to sit. Just going to feel like a pinch.
Wow. Did that doctor tend to your
needs? Did they treat you with respect
and dignity and send you on your way to your sensitivity to your
wound? Even how would you treat it if
you didn't go to the hospital? You'd go home, you'd be like,
oh, damn, all right, let's get a little cotton swab on there.
Well, maybe hydrogen peroxide. There we go.
OK, you know what? This baby just needs a Band-Aid.
And maybe you're rich and you have liquid band aids.
Remember those? So you have the brush and you
just brush it on like that. Or maybe you have those big
freaking, I don't know, plasters in the UK, Right?
And you just put the Band-Aid on and you're good to go and you're
but a psychological wound. And then the sensitivity you
feel when you're anxious, when you feel low, when you feel
embarrassed, left out, not included, when you're really
struggling, when the existentialism comes at you,
like a punch to the damn balls, Marcus Mumford says.
You know, then death is just so full and man, so small.
Well, I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
That always spoke to me, that one death is just so full.
It's like it's so close sometimes, you know?
And sensitivity. How do we treat ourselves then?
How do you treat yourself exactly?
Nothing like the doctor, and nothing like even a physical
wound. No, you beat yourself up for
feeling that way. And if you don't, what are you
still doing here? You criticize because you
believe that criticism is a strategy.
You've taught yourself that criticism is a motivator
sometimes, but in this case, really punch yourself in the arm
and say get along with it. Suck it up.
Don't cry, don't give it time, don't be patient with it.
It'll heal quick. Come on, man.
And that's the secret to your sensitivity.
What does it need? What do you need in times of
sensitivity? And when you learn how to treat
yourself in those moments, that's what transforms the rest
of your life. Because in the lows of lows and
the very sensitive times when you know what you need and you
know how to take care of yourself and you know how to
treat yourself well, what a good feedback loop that is how you
get to treat yourself. People notice that, that you've
accepted all parts of you, even the quote UN quote flaws, even
the parts that you don't like. That's full confidence.
Confidence is that sense of reassurance and and admiring
almost the gifts that you have that you possess.
That's where the transformation happens.
Dear sensitive men, it's a gift. Learn how to use it.
And the first step for that is be a good patient.
Be a good patient to yourself, Be a good person to yourself.
Be patient. Get it patient.
Be calm when that voice comes in, beating yourself up.
Chill, chill. If you would like to know more
about the specifics of dealing with that inner criticism,
especially if you've identified with this video and, and, and,
and experience this high degree of sensitivity as a man, there's
a link in the description. And I'd love to chat with you
about something I'm releasing soon.
I doubt there'll be room, but you can go on a wait list for
the next program that may happen in February, possibly late
January. But let's see where you're at.
And if this, if this resonates with you, this is the work I'm
specifically doing from self criticism to self compassion,
from self doubt to self-confidence.
And no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I know what you're thinking. Confidence, Scott, You mean the
guys with the wife beaters at the gym who do fucking steroids
and you know they undertake that real confidence, right, Scott?
You call that confidence? You call that confidence?
Well, we got to have a talk that is called insecurity.
Oh man, I had fun here. 23 minutes.
Geez, can we talk? And there's the sermon of the
week. Nice to see you all take care of
my friends. Gentlemen, I'll see you in the
comments. Say hi.
I'll probably do another video this week or next week, but it's
been many, many months since I did so it was a good ramble.
Sensitivity as a gift. Use it.