1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:04,240 Welcome to Under the Surface. This is where we slow down and 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:07,320 look at the patterns underneath the stories we tell ourselves. 3 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:10,840 Today's chapter is called What is the Definition of Normal? 4 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,680 And underneath the idea of normal is often a set of 5 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,560 assumptions. We never chose for ourselves 6 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:22,320 expectations about how people should live, heal, struggle, 7 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:26,720 communicate, and belong. The problem is that life rarely 8 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,680 fits those expectations. Somewhere along the way, many of 9 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:34,760 us learned to confuse different with wrong, unfamiliar with 10 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,600 unhealthy, and acceptance with conformity. 11 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:42,600 Welcome to No One Is Normal, the podcast where real stories 12 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,760 remind us that none of us are alone. 13 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:51,160 You can also visit the website www.bradhhill.com or 14 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:57,400 www.nooneisnormal.co for resources, updates and future 15 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,640 podcast episodes. I am Brad Age Hill and each week 16 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:05,080 we talk about the messy, the complicated, and the deeply 17 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,560 human moments that shape us and remain in our memories. 18 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:11,040 I am not here to tell anyone how to live. 19 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,760 I am here to offer the stories, the insights that made me 20 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,160 realize that no one is normal, including me. 21 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,320 Because healing starts when self honesty begins. 22 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,600 What is normal? People use that word like the 23 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,440 definition is obvious. Somebody handles life 24 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:31,880 differently, needs support in a way others do not understand, or 25 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:34,720 lives outside the picture and another person had in their head 26 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,040 and the judgment can come out fast. 27 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,560 That is not normal. A sentence like that can sound 28 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,640 harmless, but it carries weight. It can point to something 29 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,360 unhealthy, and there are times when that matters. 30 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:51,040 Abuse is not healthy. Cruelty is not healthy. 31 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:56,440 Addiction, control, neglect, and manipulation do not become 32 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,080 acceptable just because people have seen them before. 33 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,880 Still, the same phrase also gets used when someone is simply 34 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:08,520 unfamiliar, inconvenient, disabled, grieving, recovering, 35 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:14,040 anxious, quiet, intense, different, or honest in a way 36 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,640 that makes the room uncomfortable. 37 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,800 Those are not the same thing. Most of us are handed a 38 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,360 definition of normal before we are old enough to inspect it. 39 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:26,120 It comes through 100 small moments rather than one big 40 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,080 lesson. A parent's comment, a teacher 41 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:32,840 rewarding one kind of behavior and correcting another, family 42 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:36,480 members avoiding certain subjects or friends laughing at 43 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,960 someone who stands out. Television, social media, 44 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:44,640 church, school, work, and the people around us all add their 45 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,400 peace. Over time, those pieces become a 46 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,280 measuring stick. We start to believe we know what 47 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,960 a family should look like, how pain should be handled, how 48 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,840 success should appear, how a person should communicate, what 49 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:01,040 strength is supposed to sound like, and how much of our real 50 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,240 life is safe to let other people see. 51 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,880 Then life refuses to fit the picture. 52 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,600 Some people grow up around instability and spend years 53 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:13,200 mistaking tension for normal. Others carry grief before they 54 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:17,640 have language for it. Addiction, trauma, disability, 55 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:22,720 illness, shame, anxiety, and memories that do not fade on 56 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,880 command can change how a person moves through the world. 57 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:30,280 A life may require more patience, more support, more 58 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,360 rest, or a different rhythm than everyone expected. 59 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,640 Too often, the world makes that person feel like the problem. 60 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,400 I do not buy that as easily as I used to. 61 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,800 There is a real difference between something being 62 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,040 unhealthy and something being different. 63 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,600 Harmful patterns should be challenged. 64 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,960 An unfamiliar life should be approached with humility. 65 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,840 When we lose that distinction, we end up judging people for not 66 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,800 matching a standard we never bothered to question. 67 00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:00,960 A lot of damage gets done there. People spend years chasing 68 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,120 normal when what they really need is honesty. 69 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,880 They may not even be trying to become whole. 70 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:11,200 Acceptable becomes the target. The mask gets better, but the 71 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,880 person underneath keeps carrying the same weight. 72 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:17,600 I know what that feels like. There have been times when I 73 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,640 looked around and wondered why certain things seemed easier for 74 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:25,960 everyone else, even as I kept functioning on the outside while 75 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,840 feeling out of place inside. For a long time I thought the 76 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,280 answer was to get better at looking fine. 77 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,800 That did not heal much. It only made the mask fit 78 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,920 tighter. The older I get, the more I 79 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,520 believe the goal was never to become normal. 80 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,680 What matters more is becoming honest enough to know what is 81 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:50,560 healthy, what is familiar, what needs to change, and what was 82 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,560 never wrong with us in the 1st place. 83 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,120 Normal is a slippery word because people use it to mean 84 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,360 too many things at once. In one conversation it means 85 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,000 common. In another, it means acceptable. 86 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:06,160 It can also stand in for tradition, social comfort, or 87 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,440 the simple fact that someone has never had to think beyond their 88 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,560 own experience. That last version causes a lot 89 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,960 of harm. If something is abusive, cruel, 90 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,680 destructive, or dishonest, calling it normal should never 91 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,040 protect it. A family does not get to hide 92 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:27,000 abuse behind tradition. Workplaces should not normalize 93 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,920 disrespect just because people are under pressure. 94 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,680 No one gets to keep hurting others and reduce the damage to 95 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,400 personality. Unfamiliar is different. 96 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:40,120 A person may live differently because their body requires it. 97 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:45,840 Their mind may process sound, stress, emotion, information, or 98 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:49,200 connection in a way others do not immediately understand. 99 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:54,640 History can shape a person's sense of safety, trust, rest, 100 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,600 and closeness. A disability, whether visible or 101 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,840 invisible, may add planning to tasks that other people move 102 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,200 through without a second thought. 103 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,880 None of that makes a person less human. 104 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,880 This is where dignity enters the conversation. 105 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,760 Dignity means respect does not have to be earned by 106 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,400 convenience. I do not need every part of 107 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:19,040 someone's life explained to me before I can stop being careless 108 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,440 with it. A person should not have to fit 109 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:25,600 neatly inside my comfort zone before I treat their needs like 110 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,840 they matter. That sounds simple until it asks 111 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,760 something from us. It asked me to admit that the 112 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,240 world does not look the same from every seat in the room. 113 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,680 The way I walk through a doorway, sit in a meeting, 114 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:43,360 handle noise, manage stress, or recover from a hard day may be 115 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,720 completely different from the way another person experiences 116 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,880 those same moments. My reality is real, but it is 117 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:52,880 not the default setting for humanity. 118 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:57,200 A lot of what gets called normal is really majority comfort. 119 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,480 When enough people do not have to think about something, they 120 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,640 can start believing nobody else should have to think about it 121 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,760 either. The person who does have to 122 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,120 think about it becomes the interruption even when all they 123 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:14,080 are asking for is room to exist without carrying the entire 124 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,720 burden of explanation that wears people down. 125 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:23,480 Being misunderstood once is frustrating when it becomes the 126 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:27,560 regular cost of showing up. A person can start shrinking 127 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:32,160 before anyone even says a word. They learn which parts of their 128 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:36,800 life are too much for the room, then they edit themselves into a 129 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,240 version that other people find easier to digest. 130 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,160 That is not healing. It is survival dressed up as 131 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,760 manners. I think about childhood the same 132 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,880 way. A kid does not separate healthy 133 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,520 from familiar with any kind of clarity. 134 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:55,600 Children usually do not analyze family systems, emotional 135 00:07:55,600 --> 00:08:01,080 neglect, addiction patterns, anger, fear, instability, or 136 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,280 control. They adapt to whatever world 137 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,360 they are given. I did that a lot of people do. 138 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:10,680 You figure out which rooms are safe and which subjects change 139 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:13,240 the temperature. Silence becomes a tool. 140 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,720 Humor becomes a tool. Working harder, disappearing, 141 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:22,640 becoming useful, pushing back, or avoiding attention can all 142 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,360 become ways to get through a day. 143 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,160 When you are young, those responses may not feel like 144 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,560 choices, they feel like survival. 145 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:35,200 Later in life, the same patterns can follow you into places where 146 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,240 they no longer belong. Gardenness gets called 147 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,240 toughness. Fear of needing anyone gets 148 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,360 renamed independence. Expecting disappointment can 149 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:47,720 sound like being realistic. There may be some truth in those 150 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,400 labels, but they do not tell the whole story. 151 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,640 The hard part is that our patterns usually made sense at 152 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,080 some point. That is why we defend them. 153 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,600 They helped us keep moving when better tools were not available. 154 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,080 Understanding that history matters, but it does not mean 155 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,640 the pattern gets to run the rest of our lives. 156 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,960 A pattern can make sense and still need to change. 157 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,920 That line keeps coming back to me because it creates room for 158 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,920 both compassion and responsibility. 159 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:19,240 I can stop treating myself like a mystery, and I can also stop 160 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,560 treating my past like a life sentence. 161 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,200 Once familiar no longer automatically means healthy. 162 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,440 The old measuring stick loses some of its power. 163 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,960 Then the better questions become possible. 164 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,080 Where did this definition come from? 165 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,200 What did it cost? Who was protected by it? 166 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,040 What part of it helped me survive, and what part is now 167 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,640 keeping me stuck? Those questions are 168 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,680 uncomfortable, but they are much more useful than trying to win a 169 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:49,600 contest nobody can define. For a long time, I confused 170 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,960 looking normal with being OK. As long as I kept going, 171 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:58,200 working, handling responsibility, and giving 172 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,800 people enough evidence that I was fine, I could avoid looking 173 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,280 too closely at what was happening underneath. 174 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,080 There was always something useful to point to. 175 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,480 I showed up, produced and functioned. 176 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,280 From the outside that can pass for strength. 177 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,280 Inside it can be something else entirely. 178 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,000 Productivity does not always mean peace. 179 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,840 Respect from other people does not guarantee self respect. 180 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,920 A person can answer the emails, pay the bills, keep the 181 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,640 appointments, make the jokes, and still be caring parts of 182 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,280 their life they have not faced. Honestly, I know that because I 183 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,000 lived pieces of it. There were times when I wanted 184 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,880 the outside evidence to be enough. 185 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,840 If life looked stable, I did not have to ask why certain things 186 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:46,360 still felt unresolved. Good explanation could keep me 187 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,800 from admitting where I was making excuses. 188 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,480 Staying busy helped me outrun emotions. 189 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,400 That we're not going away just because I refused to slow down. 190 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,840 That kind of normal is expensive. 191 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,760 Peace usually goes first. After that it starts taking 192 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:06,080 honesty, connection, self respect, and the ability to 193 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,120 recognize your own voice. You spend so much energy 194 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,720 maintaining the version of yourself, people understand that 195 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,960 the real version gets pushed into the background. 196 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,840 I do not think most people choose that directly. 197 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,640 It happens quietly. A hard conversation gets delayed 198 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,120 because the timing is bad. Then a feeling gets shoved back 199 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:29,360 down because there is too much going on and an excuse sounds 200 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:33,720 reasonable enough to use again. After enough time passes, the 201 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,440 thing you were tolerating becomes part of the architecture 202 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,160 of your life at that point. Looking normal is not the same 203 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,120 as living well. That was a painful realization 204 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,040 for me because it removed some of the hiding places. 205 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,680 Normal did not save me from my own decisions or repair the 206 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,600 relationships I had damaged. It could not make addiction 207 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,080 disappear, erase the past, or clean up the wreckage. 208 00:11:56,520 --> 00:12:00,120 I could chase the image all I wanted, but image does not 209 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,480 create self respect. Honesty did more for me than 210 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,160 normal ever could not because honesty made life easy. 211 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:11,040 It gave me a starting point. For once, I could name where I 212 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:17,760 was, what had happened, what I had done, what hurt, what I 213 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,320 needed to own, and what I did not want to keep repeating. 214 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,960 There is pain in that kind of truth, but there is also relief. 215 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,240 Pretending takes more energy than people admit. 216 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:34,520 It keeps you managing rooms, opinions, appearances, and the 217 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:38,080 distance between who you are and who you're trying to look like. 218 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:42,200 Honesty narrows that distance. It does not fix a whole life in 219 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,000 one day. Most real change is not that 220 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,200 dramatic. It may look like sitting in the 221 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,240 car after a hard conversation and realizing you did not react 222 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,200 the old way. Another time. 223 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:57,120 It may be the moment you finally admit that what you called anger 224 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:01,880 was grief with nowhere to go. Growth can also show up when 225 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,880 another person's needs make you uncomfortable and instead of 226 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:09,440 judging them, you ask yourself why Those moments rarely look 227 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,840 impressive. They may not even feel like 228 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,680 progress while they are happening. 229 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,320 Still, something shifts. The old definition of normal 230 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,760 starts cracking. You stop laughing off What hurt 231 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:24,040 discomfort no longer proves someone else is wrong. 232 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,920 The mask stops being mistaken for the person. 233 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,280 For me, growth has required that separation. 234 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,480 I have had to ask What was the mask? 235 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:36,800 What was the truth? What helped me survive and what 236 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,600 I actually want to keep. Those questions are 237 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,360 uncomfortable. They are also the beginning of a 238 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,440 life that is not built around performing. 239 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:48,680 The more I sit with this, the more important it feels to 240 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:52,720 separate normal from healthy. Silence can be normal in a 241 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,160 family where nobody wants conflict. 242 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,600 Yelling can become the accepted language of emotion. 243 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,640 Drinking too much, Working too much. 244 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,600 Avoiding accountability or pretending nothing happened can 245 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,840 all become familiar if people repeat them long enough. 246 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,440 Familiarity does not make any of it healthy. 247 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,400 On the other side, people get labeled as abnormal for reasons 248 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,920 that have nothing to do with harm. 249 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:22,640 A different rhythm, a body that needs more rest, a mind that 250 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,800 processes information differently, grief that takes 251 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,400 longer than expected, recovery that refuses to move in a 252 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:33,240 straight line, or a story that does not fit the clean version 253 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,600 others prefer can all make people uncomfortable. 254 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,560 That discomfort does not mean the person is broken. 255 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,800 It means the room may need more understanding than judgment. 256 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,720 The truth is, a lot of people support difference in theory 257 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,960 until difference asks something from them. 258 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:54,760 Compassion sounds good until it requires patience, flexibility, 259 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,480 inconvenience, or the humility to admit that someone else's 260 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,960 reality is not imaginary just because it is not yours. 261 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,240 That is where accessibility and dignity connect to everyday 262 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:11,080 life. Ramps, doors, captions, 263 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:17,440 schedules, chairs, lighting, noise, transportation, and the 264 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,720 physical design of room all matter. 265 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,600 So does the attitude behind them. 266 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:25,200 Are we willing to believe people when they say the current setup 267 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,000 does not work for them? Or do we make them prove their 268 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,640 struggle before we consider changing anything? 269 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,040 When a person has to keep proving that their needs are 270 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,160 legitimate, the message underneath can be brutal. 271 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:42,120 Belonging becomes conditional. You are welcome as long as you 272 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:45,880 do not require much. Your life matters until it 273 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:47,920 interrupts the way things were already built. 274 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:52,360 The burden falls on the person who needs support instead of the 275 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,320 people who could help create a more thoughtful space. 276 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,680 No one should have to earn dignity by being easy to 277 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,880 understand. That applies to disability, and 278 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:07,920 it reaches beyond it. Trauma recovery, grief, mental 279 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:13,760 health, regret rebuilding, and the long process of learning how 280 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,600 to live differently all belong in this conversation. 281 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,120 Anyone who has felt measured against a picture they never 282 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,120 agreed to pose for knows how heavy that can get. 283 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:27,560 At the same time, I do not want this message to become a way 284 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,520 around responsibility. Challenging the world's 285 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:34,520 definition of normal does not give every behavior a free pass. 286 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,720 What shaped me matters, and what came out of me still has 287 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:41,240 consequences. Shame is not the answer, but 288 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,320 accountability cannot be thrown away with it. 289 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,160 That is the adult part of the conversation. 290 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,720 It would be easier to say the world was wrong so I do not have 291 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,880 to change. That is not honesty. 292 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,200 Calling it truth would be just another hiding place. 293 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,400 Real honesty can hold more than one truth at a time. 294 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,760 Pain can explain a pattern without excusing the damage. 295 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:07,240 Needs can deserve respect while actions still require ownership. 296 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:11,359 The measuring stick I inherited may have been flawed and I am 297 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:13,720 still responsible for what I build next. 298 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:16,319 That is not a contradiction to me. 299 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:19,280 That is maturity. A lot of growth happens in that 300 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:23,280 uncomfortable middle space. One part of you understands why 301 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,640 you adapted the way you did. Another part knows you cannot 302 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,920 keep calling every old reaction protection. 303 00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:32,920 At some point, survival has to become something more honest or 304 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,880 it turns into a prison with familiar furniture. 305 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:39,360 That is why the definition of normal cannot be the final 306 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,560 question. It is only the doorway. 307 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,880 Once you question it, something has to replace it. 308 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,760 For me, the better word is integrity. 309 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,200 Integrity does not mean perfection, and it does not 310 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:55,880 require every part of life to be clean, impressive, or easy to 311 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,280 explain. It means the outside and the 312 00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,840 inside start moving closer together. 313 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,560 The story you tell yourself becomes more truthful. 314 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,120 Your actions begin lining up with the person you say you want 315 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,960 to be. That kind of life may not look 316 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,400 normal to everyone else. I am becoming less concerned 317 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,880 with that. For anyone listening, I would 318 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,920 not start by asking whether your life looks normal. 319 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,040 That question has probably already taken enough from 320 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,680 people. Start with honesty. 321 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,280 Instead. Is the life you are living 322 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,520 telling the truth about who you are, what you carry, what you 323 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,760 need, and what you are responsible for? 324 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:37,000 Now? That question has weight, but it 325 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,720 also has mercy. It does not demand that you 326 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:43,160 solve everything today. The invitation is simply to stop 327 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,840 lying long enough to see where you actually are. 328 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,000 Maybe something you called normal has been hurting you. 329 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,880 A role you learn to play may no longer fit. 330 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,840 Pretending could be the reason you are so tired. 331 00:18:56,360 --> 00:19:00,280 Your past may explain more than you wanted to admit, and now the 332 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,040 work is separating explanation from excuse. 333 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:06,760 When you see that clearly, try not to turn it into a weapon 334 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:10,520 against yourself. Self honesty is not self hatred. 335 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,520 Accountability is not shame. There's a way to look directly 336 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,880 at your life without tearing yourself apart. 337 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,080 That matters because a lot of people cannot stay in the 338 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,560 conversation once it gets specific. 339 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,600 They can admit in a vague way that nobody is perfect. 340 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,920 The defensive reaction shows up when a real pattern gets named. 341 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:36,200 I understand that specific truth feels personal because it is 342 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:39,280 personal. It touches the places or where 343 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:43,000 the story we tell about ourselves does not fully match 344 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,360 the way we have been living. Still, that is where change 345 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,040 begins. It does not start in a polished 346 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:53,520 performance of being fine or a broad statement about life being 347 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,120 hard. Change starts when the truth 348 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,000 becomes specific enough to do something with it. 349 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:04,240 The next step may be one conversation, one boundary, one 350 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:08,840 apology, one request for help, or one decision not to repeat 351 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,320 what was handed to you. It could be allowing yourself to 352 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,800 receive support without treating support like proof that you 353 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,840 failed. Whatever it is, it probably will 354 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,800 not look dramatic from the outside. 355 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,280 Real growth often happens where nobody is clapping. 356 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:29,000 It happens in private decisions, quiet pauses, and the space 357 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,080 between an old reaction and a new response. 358 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,120 Growth is choosing honesty, even when the mask would be easier. 359 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,440 A life does not need to look normal to be worth living. 360 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,560 It needs to be real enough that you can stop abandoning yourself 361 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,280 to fit inside someone else's expectations. 362 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,640 That is where I keep landing. I do not want a life that only 363 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,360 looks acceptable from a distance. 364 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,760 The people closest to me deserve the real version, not just the 365 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,760 managed one. Growth has to matter more than 366 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,520 image. When I catch myself repeating 367 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:06,240 something only because it is familiar, I want enough honesty 368 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,880 to say that may be what I learned, but it is not what I 369 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,120 want to keep. Passing on. 370 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,080 That kind of honesty changes the whole conversation. 371 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:19,400 Normal loses its grip. The question becomes less about 372 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,880 matching the world's picture and more about building a life you 373 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,800 can stand behind. So what is the definition of 374 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,320 normal? I still do not think there is 375 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,000 one clean answer. Maybe that is the point. 376 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,400 The word has carried too many expectations, too many 377 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:38,240 judgments, and too many inherited stories to be trusted 378 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,680 without examination. For me, the better question is 379 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,640 not whether I am normal. The better question is whether I 380 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,880 am honest. Honesty asks me to look at where 381 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:53,080 I came from, what hurt me, what I have done with that hurt, what 382 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:58,240 I need, what I need to change, and what kind of life I actually 383 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,680 want to build. That is the work. 384 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:05,040 No one is normal. That is not a defect to me. 385 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,960 It is the point. Every person carries something. 386 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,440 People adapt in ways others may never fully understand. 387 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,320 Most of us have parts of our story that do not fit neatly 388 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,800 into the picture we thought life was supposed to become. 389 00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:22,600 The goal is not to sand down every rough edge until we become 390 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:26,880 easier for the world to accept. A better goal is becoming honest 391 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,160 enough to stop abandoning ourselves. 392 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,640 If this episode hit something in you, sit with it. 393 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,640 Look at the version of normal you have been chasing. 394 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:40,200 Ask where it came from, what it has cost, and whether it is 395 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,800 helping you live honestly or keeping you stuck inside a life 396 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,200 that only looks acceptable from the outside. 397 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:50,040 That's under the surface. Not to redefine normal for 398 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,040 everyone else, but to question the definitions we have been 399 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,560 carrying without examination. If this chapter brought up 400 00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:00,120 memories of feeling misunderstood, judged, or 401 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:03,000 pressured to become someone easier for the world to accept, 402 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:06,400 you are not alone. Normal is a moving target. 403 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:09,960 Honesty is not. Sometimes the most important 404 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:14,280 step is realizing that the goal was never to fit perfectly into 405 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:17,320 someone else's picture. It was to build a life that is 406 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:23,360 true enough to stand behind. Just a reminder, the stories and 407 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,600 conversations in this podcast are for informational and 408 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,920 personal reflection only. Nothing shared here should be 409 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:33,040 taken as medical, legal, or professional advice. 410 00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:36,280 Always speak with a qualified professional about your own 411 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:42,280 personal situation. Thank you for listening to No 412 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,160 One Is Normal. If today's message resonated 413 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:49,480 with you, you can find the book No One Is Normal on Amazon and 414 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:55,400 Kindle and explore more resources at www.bradhhill.com 415 00:23:55,760 --> 00:24:01,760 or www.nooneisnormal.co. Remember, you weren't meant to 416 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,800 be normal, you were meant to be you.