Hello. How's everyone doing?
Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for having me.
My name is Chloe Pets. This is my first time gigging in
Canada, so I'm a little bit worried that some of my cultural
references won't translate. For example, I'm gay.
Do you guys have that here? Yeah.
OK, good. I think we're going to be all
right then. So I am gay.
I'm specifically a Butch lesbian.
And not the joke, but thank you. All that means is I get mistaken
for a man a lot. Which I love, right?
Because I now get access to a wonderful little thing called
male privilege. It's good shit.
Give me one of these, bro. Let's go.
No, no, no. I'm waiting.
I know that I have male privilege specifically in the UK
because I now get called the greatest term of endearment in
the English language, which is this. 1 is when you walk into
the kebab shop and the vendor says to you, what can I get for
you boss man? No wonder you boys are
confident. I walk out of that shop feeling
like the CEO of my own God damn life.
Sometimes I go into a kebab shop, they'll go, what can I get
for you boss man? I go nothing, I'm a vegetarian.
You've given me everything I need.
Thank you. I am a vegetarian.
Do we have any in? OK?
A strong contingent of vegetarians.
That's very good. Let's try this.
Any vegans? OK, One vegan, 2 vegans.
Well, fantastic. Probably more as well.
They're just too weak to cheer. Where my meat eaters at?
You man, you always sound so like happy and full of protein.
Gets on my Wick. I do love you guys though
because I am a vegetarian that does eat meat.
I would say like once every three months I'll just have like
the tiniest piece of meat to see whether it tastes nicer than the
climate. Really pisses people off.
People get really angry with me specifically in the UK because
they'll be like, we're not, we're not a vegetarian, Chloe,
You're not a vegetarian. At best you're a flexitarian.
That's what you are, Chloe. You're a flexitarian.
What I say to these very angry, belligerent people is this.
I spent my late teens, early 20s trying a penis once.
A financial quarter did not make me straight.
It's the same principle. You wouldn't go around calling
me a homo flexual, would you? So I am, I am a Butch lesbian
and, and all that means is I spend a lot of time doing quite
traditionally masculine things. So I'm I'm a big fan of the
soccer. I love the soccer so much.
It's in the UKI still do get quite a lot of sexism within the
game because there's a certain type of bloke that doesn't seem
to think that I can know as much about soccer as he can, right.
It's like he doesn't think I've got time to both watch Match of
the Day and buy sanitary products.
But the key thing about that is you stop pulling the offseason
so you're ready for when the season starts in the on season.
I love these guys. If you haven't seen like a
soccer guy in the UK before, I'll describe them to you.
I call them like the proper footballing geezers.
And they're these big blokes, massive heads, right?
Big thick neck veins where they store all of their repressed
emotions. Weirdly, they're still very
active on Twitter for some reason.
And you'll click onto their Twitter profile and their bio
will always be called something like at Man United M69, right?
And then you'll click onto their profile and their, their, their
bio will always say something like love my kids hate
paedophiles. And you're sort of thinking,
come on, Mike, pick a side. I love these guys though because
they've recently found me on social media and what they like
to do is they like to comment sort of sassy little bitchy
comments underneath my stand up clips and I've noticed they've
all been saying the same phrase. Recently, under my stand up
clips, they've all been saying Lewis Capaldi looks like he's
let himself go, which pisses me off because Lewis Capaldi's
already let himself go. I, I think what they're trying
to do by comparing me to Lewis Capaldi is in some way imply
that I am ugly. Does not bother me as an insult,
truly does not bother me as an insult because like, I know that
I'm ugly. And I don't mean that in a self
deprecating way. I just mean that in the way that
all British people are ugly. Have you seen us recently?
Oh, it's not good over there. It's not our fault though.
There's a historical reason why we're so ugly, and I'm talking
specifically about white British people here.
I don't want to drag anyone else into our ugly mess.
The reason we're so ugly is because back in the day, the
Vikings came over, stole all of our hot women, took them back to
mainland Europe. Which is why everyone in Sweden
is now smoking hot and we look like someone put a wig on a pig
wearing a trash bag. But I think it had quite a good
effect, right? Because I think as compensation,
it meant that we had to develop quite fun personalities, right?
No, because you never heard someone go.
This is my Swedish friend. He's a laugh.
I am slightly worried that the soccer has made me toxic so I'm
trying to sort of work on my toxicity and I'm doing that by
re embracing my femininity. And I was recently able to
practice my femininity because I was invited to a nail painting
party by my friends. I would like to clarify, I am
not friends with 12 year olds, but I am friends with women in
their mid 30s. And what these women wrongly
assume is that they're losing their last vestiges of youths.
They get very nostalgic for things that they did in their
youth like nail painting parties.
So I found myself at this nail painting party and I went to the
I went to the corner and I was being really toxic.
I was going Nope, no, where am I getting my nails painted?
No, where am I getting my nails painted.
That's for girls, right? Friend came over to me very
angry. She said you know that it's not
just for girls. You know that anyone could get
their nails painted. I think you're feeling
emasculated and it's making you feel toxic.
It's making you act out. I'm said I'm not getting my
nails painted. Last time I got my the nails
painted, I felt like a dog in socks.
She said on your head, be it she went away.
They sent a different friend over this.
This friend knew me slightly better, had a different tack.
This friend said to me, Chloe, I promise you if you get your
nails painted, it will make you like 10 times better at
fingering. Now, logically I know that that
can't be true. But when I heard it, there was a
strong part of me that was like, all right, I'll take 2.
Make that 3. You can do a couple of the
toenails too. Do you think you call it towing
or toe fingering? I don't have time.
Goodbye, guys. You've been amazing.
Thank you so much. I'm a glowy pants.
Get out.