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Hello. 
How's everyone doing? 

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Oh, my gosh. 
Thank you so much for having me.

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My name is Chloe Pets. 
This is my first time gigging in

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Canada, so I'm a little bit 
worried that some of my cultural

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references won't translate. 
For example, I'm gay. 

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Do you guys have that here? 
Yeah. 

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OK, good. 
I think we're going to be all 

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right then. 
So I am gay. 

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I'm specifically a Butch 
lesbian. 

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And not the joke, but thank you.
All that means is I get mistaken

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for a man a lot. 
Which I love, right? 

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Because I now get access to a 
wonderful little thing called 

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male privilege. 
It's good shit. 

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Give me one of these, bro. 
Let's go. 

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No, no, no. 
I'm waiting. 

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I know that I have male 
privilege specifically in the UK

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because I now get called the 
greatest term of endearment in 

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the English language, which is 
this. 1 is when you walk into 

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the kebab shop and the vendor 
says to you, what can I get for 

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you boss man? 
No wonder you boys are 

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confident. 
I walk out of that shop feeling 

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like the CEO of my own God damn 
life. 

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Sometimes I go into a kebab 
shop, they'll go, what can I get

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for you boss man? 
I go nothing, I'm a vegetarian. 

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You've given me everything I 
need. 

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Thank you. 
I am a vegetarian. 

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Do we have any in? 
OK? 

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A strong contingent of 
vegetarians. 

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That's very good. 
Let's try this. 

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Any vegans? 
OK, One vegan, 2 vegans. 

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Well, fantastic. 
Probably more as well. 

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They're just too weak to cheer. 
Where my meat eaters at? 

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You man, you always sound so 
like happy and full of protein. 

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Gets on my Wick. 
I do love you guys though 

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because I am a vegetarian that 
does eat meat. 

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I would say like once every 
three months I'll just have like

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the tiniest piece of meat to see
whether it tastes nicer than the

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climate. 
Really pisses people off. 

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People get really angry with me 
specifically in the UK because 

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they'll be like, we're not, 
we're not a vegetarian, Chloe, 

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You're not a vegetarian. 
At best you're a flexitarian. 

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That's what you are, Chloe. 
You're a flexitarian. 

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What I say to these very angry, 
belligerent people is this. 

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I spent my late teens, early 20s
trying a penis once. 

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A financial quarter did not make
me straight. 

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It's the same principle. 
You wouldn't go around calling 

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me a homo flexual, would you? 
So I am, I am a Butch lesbian 

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and, and all that means is I 
spend a lot of time doing quite 

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traditionally masculine things. 
So I'm I'm a big fan of the 

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soccer. 
I love the soccer so much. 

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It's in the UKI still do get 
quite a lot of sexism within the

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game because there's a certain 
type of bloke that doesn't seem 

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to think that I can know as much
about soccer as he can, right. 

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It's like he doesn't think I've 
got time to both watch Match of 

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the Day and buy sanitary 
products. 

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But the key thing about that is 
you stop pulling the offseason 

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so you're ready for when the 
season starts in the on season. 

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I love these guys. 
If you haven't seen like a 

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soccer guy in the UK before, 
I'll describe them to you. 

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I call them like the proper 
footballing geezers. 

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And they're these big blokes, 
massive heads, right? 

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Big thick neck veins where they 
store all of their repressed 

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emotions. 
Weirdly, they're still very 

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active on Twitter for some 
reason. 

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And you'll click onto their 
Twitter profile and their bio 

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will always be called something 
like at Man United M69, right? 

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And then you'll click onto their
profile and their, their, their 

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bio will always say something 
like love my kids hate 

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paedophiles. 
And you're sort of thinking, 

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come on, Mike, pick a side. 
I love these guys though because

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they've recently found me on 
social media and what they like 

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to do is they like to comment 
sort of sassy little bitchy 

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comments underneath my stand up 
clips and I've noticed they've 

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all been saying the same phrase.
Recently, under my stand up 

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clips, they've all been saying 
Lewis Capaldi looks like he's 

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let himself go, which pisses me 
off because Lewis Capaldi's 

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already let himself go. 
I, I think what they're trying 

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to do by comparing me to Lewis 
Capaldi is in some way imply 

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that I am ugly. 
Does not bother me as an insult,

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truly does not bother me as an 
insult because like, I know that

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I'm ugly. 
And I don't mean that in a self 

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deprecating way. 
I just mean that in the way that

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all British people are ugly. 
Have you seen us recently? 

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Oh, it's not good over there. 
It's not our fault though. 

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There's a historical reason why 
we're so ugly, and I'm talking 

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specifically about white British
people here. 

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I don't want to drag anyone else
into our ugly mess. 

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The reason we're so ugly is 
because back in the day, the 

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Vikings came over, stole all of 
our hot women, took them back to

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mainland Europe. 
Which is why everyone in Sweden 

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is now smoking hot and we look 
like someone put a wig on a pig 

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wearing a trash bag. 
But I think it had quite a good 

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effect, right? 
Because I think as compensation,

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it meant that we had to develop 
quite fun personalities, right? 

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No, because you never heard 
someone go. 

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This is my Swedish friend. 
He's a laugh. 

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I am slightly worried that the 
soccer has made me toxic so I'm 

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trying to sort of work on my 
toxicity and I'm doing that by 

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re embracing my femininity. 
And I was recently able to 

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practice my femininity because I
was invited to a nail painting 

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party by my friends. 
I would like to clarify, I am 

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not friends with 12 year olds, 
but I am friends with women in 

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their mid 30s. 
And what these women wrongly 

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assume is that they're losing 
their last vestiges of youths. 

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They get very nostalgic for 
things that they did in their 

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youth like nail painting 
parties. 

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So I found myself at this nail 
painting party and I went to the

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I went to the corner and I was 
being really toxic. 

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I was going Nope, no, where am I
getting my nails painted? 

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No, where am I getting my nails 
painted. 

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That's for girls, right? 
Friend came over to me very 

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angry. 
She said you know that it's not 

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just for girls. 
You know that anyone could get 

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their nails painted. 
I think you're feeling 

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emasculated and it's making you 
feel toxic. 

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It's making you act out. 
I'm said I'm not getting my 

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nails painted. 
Last time I got my the nails 

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painted, I felt like a dog in 
socks. 

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She said on your head, be it she
went away. 

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They sent a different friend 
over this. 

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This friend knew me slightly 
better, had a different tack. 

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This friend said to me, Chloe, I
promise you if you get your 

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nails painted, it will make you 
like 10 times better at 

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fingering. 
Now, logically I know that that 

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can't be true. 
But when I heard it, there was a

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strong part of me that was like,
all right, I'll take 2. 

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Make that 3. 
You can do a couple of the 

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toenails too. 
Do you think you call it towing 

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or toe fingering? 
I don't have time. 

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Goodbye, guys. 
You've been amazing. 

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Thank you so much. 
I'm a glowy pants. 

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Get out.