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Clap for me, I need it. 
Why do you think I'm up here 

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telling my secrets to strangers?
If not for your external 

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validation? 
You may have noticed at this 

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point I have a very big 
birthmark. 

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It's on my back. 
Speaking of new faces, this is a

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face you've never seen before. 
I hate that we can't describe 

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people using the obvious 
physical difference. 

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Right. 
Like, I hope that you would 

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refer to me as the girl with the
birthmark, but I know that 

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someone in my life has been 
like, how would I describe 

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Chloe? 
I wouldn't. 

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You need something. 
You need. 

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You need some. 
OK. 

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No, I can do it. 
I can try. 

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I can try. 
OK. 

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She she's she's got brown hair. 
She's medium build. 

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She's white. 
She's mostly white. 

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You need you need something 
else. 

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You need OK, No, no, no, no. 
It's fine. 

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You know, some people say that 
they have a good side and a bad 

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side. 
I just because we all know that 

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the obvious physical difference 
saves time, right? 

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Like somebody in here is going 
to forget my name. 

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And when you are home alone 
tonight, you will have no issue 

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with Googling comedian 
Birthmark. 

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But we're taught that it's rude 
to talk about that kind of stuff

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around other people. 
And it creates such a weird 

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vibe. 
Like, it feels like, why 

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wouldn't you say it? 
Is there something wrong? 

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It creates the vibe of like, 
she's Mexican, but that's not 

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her fault. 
Just say the thing and save the 

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time, right? 
Just say, I'm so tired of people

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being like, I just spoke with 
the gentleman with really clean 

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sneakers, the black guy. 
That's OK, You can say it. 

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I'm so tired of people being 
like, oh, I spoke to the man who

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was so stylish, the gay guy. 
That's OK. 

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You can call somebody gay and it
doesn't have to be mean. 

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I don't know if you can. 
It's the mustache. 

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It doesn't matter how you voted.
It's going to sound scary coming

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out of your mouth, but vote for 
the most part we should be able 

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to right? 
I'm just it feels so much worse 

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to not acknowledge it. 
Also this is the part of the 

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joke where if I don't 
acknowledge the people of color 

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in the room it feels like I'm 
avoiding you. 

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But if I only direct this to 
you, it feels like I'm like, 

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tell me I'm one of the good 
ones. 

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But the reason that I bring this
up is because people of color 

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are so much more normal about my
birthmark than white people are.

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I live in New York City, and if 
I am walking down the street in 

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New York and a random stranger 
is going to compliment my 

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birthmark, it is 100% of the 
time a black person. 

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I don't know why, genuinely, I 
don't know. 

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I don't know if it's the black 
people can sense that sometimes 

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people touch my birthmark 
without asking and then we're 

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like, we have something in 
common. 

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I don't know. 
I genuinely don't know. 

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All I know is that when a white 
person sees my birthmark for the

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first time, most white people 
are like oh I didn't even 

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notice. 
I don't see birthmarks in 

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college. 
I actually dated A birthmark. 

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Don't tell my husband. 
It feels so much worse to not 

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acknowledge it. 
Last Halloween I glued googly 

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eyes and fangs into my birthmark
and I went to a Halloween party 

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and all night people were so 
fucking weird to me and I 

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couldn't figure out why. 
And I was so mad that people 

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weren't complimenting my frankly
genius costume until I realized 

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that I was at a party with 100% 
white people who spent their 

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entire night being like, the 
thing I'm not supposed to notice

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has something different about it
tonight. 

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To remain safe, I will avoid all
contact. 

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Just please, absolutely please 
describe me as birthmark girl. 

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Please, please say that I have a
thing on my face. 

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Because if you if you describe 
me as the girl with the thing on

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her face, then I can describe 
you as the guy who looks like he

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might have a side hustle as a 
Weird Al impersonator. 

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And we would all know who I am 
talking about. 

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I just all of those niceties 
drive me nuts. 

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I hate all of the niceties, even
the nice like get to know you 

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questions. 
They're like, what would you do 

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if you didn't have to worry 
about money? 

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I don't know, get fingered on a 
dock. 

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What are we talking about? 
I hate those. 

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What would you do if you knew 
you were going to die tomorrow? 

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If I knew I was going to die 
tomorrow, I would take a 

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baseball bat to a Tesla truck. 
What are we? 

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Don't you just want to see I If 
I knew I was going to die 

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tomorrow, I would. 
I would AirDrop a nude to an 

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orthodox teen so that he knows 
what boobs look like. 

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If I knew I was going to die 
tomorrow, I would do something 

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that was going to make me really
need to be dead tomorrow. 

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I know. 
I know that not everybody is as 

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comfortable with directness as I
am, especially in more intense, 

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more intimate situations. 
I dated a guy who didn't like 

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getting instructions in bed. 
Sure, that was empathy that you 

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just heard and empathy for the 
man Unfortunately, I asked my ex

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to do 1 very specific thing with
his hand and he said that 

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following my instructions felt 
like going to a factory and 

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pulling a lever. 
And what a great way to get your

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job replaced by a robot. 
Good. 

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Thank you. 
Going to a going to a factory 

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and pulling a lever, That is the
meanest thing that anybody has 

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ever said to me. 
And I went to public school with

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this birthmark. 
But I was trying to empathize 

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with him. 
I was trying to be on his side. 

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OK. 
I think he felt emasculated, 

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right. 
I think he felt like I was 

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saying that he couldn't make me 
cum on his own. 

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And I can sympathize with that 
because he couldn't. 

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So I kind of get how he was 
feeling, you know? 

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But here's the thing, even if 
fine, even if it feels like 

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going to a factory and pulling a
lever, does the lever make me 

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cum? 
Please pull the lever. 

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Please put on your safety 
goggles and get in there and 

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save American manufacturing. 
How are you not excited? 

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How are you not walking in a 
factory every day and like 

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leaning on the lever? 
I'm sorry, going a little bit 

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lighter on the lever. 
There are some men out here who 

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are so confident in how they 
touch a woman and then you get 

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them in there and they're 
treating it like it's the like 

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self checkout touch screen. 
They're like, these things never

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work for me. 
Can I get an associate? 

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Not you. 
It's so much easier than that. 

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All it is is highlighting a word
on your phone. 

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You select the word, you'll feel
a haptic response. 

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That's a little tech word for 
the boys. 

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And then you just get the rest 
of the word. 

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Did you see that? 
That's it. 

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That's all it is. 
You forgot the first letter. 

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Go back and get that. 
OK Yep. 

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Maybe a little copy, a little 
paste, you know, And then you 

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just close all the apps. 
Work smarter, not harder. 

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Thank you so much everybody.