Clap for me, I need it. Why do you think I'm up here
telling my secrets to strangers? If not for your external
validation? You may have noticed at this
point I have a very big birthmark.
It's on my back. Speaking of new faces, this is a
face you've never seen before. I hate that we can't describe
people using the obvious physical difference.
Right. Like, I hope that you would
refer to me as the girl with the birthmark, but I know that
someone in my life has been like, how would I describe
Chloe? I wouldn't.
You need something. You need.
You need some. OK.
No, I can do it. I can try.
OK.
She she's she's got brown hair. She's medium build.
She's white. She's mostly white.
You need you need something else.
You need OK, No, no, no, no. It's fine.
You know, some people say that they have a good side and a bad
side. I just because we all know that
the obvious physical difference saves time, right?
Like somebody in here is going to forget my name.
And when you are home alone tonight, you will have no issue
with Googling comedian Birthmark.
But we're taught that it's rude to talk about that kind of stuff
around other people. And it creates such a weird
vibe. Like, it feels like, why
wouldn't you say it? Is there something wrong?
It creates the vibe of like, she's Mexican, but that's not
her fault. Just say the thing and save the
time, right? Just say, I'm so tired of people
being like, I just spoke with the gentleman with really clean
sneakers, the black guy. That's OK, You can say it.
I'm so tired of people being like, oh, I spoke to the man who
was so stylish, the gay guy. That's OK.
You can call somebody gay and it doesn't have to be mean.
I don't know if you can. It's the mustache.
It doesn't matter how you voted. It's going to sound scary coming
out of your mouth, but vote for the most part we should be able
to right? I'm just it feels so much worse
to not acknowledge it. Also this is the part of the
joke where if I don't acknowledge the people of color
in the room it feels like I'm avoiding you.
But if I only direct this to you, it feels like I'm like,
tell me I'm one of the good ones.
But the reason that I bring this up is because people of color
are so much more normal about my birthmark than white people are.
I live in New York City, and if I am walking down the street in
New York and a random stranger is going to compliment my
birthmark, it is 100% of the time a black person.
I don't know why, genuinely, I don't know.
I don't know if it's the black people can sense that sometimes
people touch my birthmark without asking and then we're
like, we have something in common.
I don't know. I genuinely don't know.
All I know is that when a white person sees my birthmark for the
first time, most white people are like oh I didn't even
notice. I don't see birthmarks in
college. I actually dated A birthmark.
Don't tell my husband. It feels so much worse to not
acknowledge it. Last Halloween I glued googly
eyes and fangs into my birthmark and I went to a Halloween party
and all night people were so fucking weird to me and I
couldn't figure out why. And I was so mad that people
weren't complimenting my frankly genius costume until I realized
that I was at a party with 100% white people who spent their
entire night being like, the thing I'm not supposed to notice
has something different about it tonight.
To remain safe, I will avoid all contact.
Just please, absolutely please describe me as birthmark girl.
Please, please say that I have a thing on my face.
Because if you if you describe me as the girl with the thing on
her face, then I can describe you as the guy who looks like he
might have a side hustle as a Weird Al impersonator.
And we would all know who I am talking about.
I just all of those niceties drive me nuts.
I hate all of the niceties, even the nice like get to know you
questions. They're like, what would you do
if you didn't have to worry about money?
I don't know, get fingered on a dock.
What are we talking about? I hate those.
What would you do if you knew you were going to die tomorrow?
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would take a
baseball bat to a Tesla truck. What are we?
Don't you just want to see I If I knew I was going to die
tomorrow, I would. I would AirDrop a nude to an
orthodox teen so that he knows what boobs look like.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would do something
that was going to make me really need to be dead tomorrow.
I know. I know that not everybody is as
comfortable with directness as I am, especially in more intense,
more intimate situations. I dated a guy who didn't like
getting instructions in bed. Sure, that was empathy that you
just heard and empathy for the man Unfortunately, I asked my ex
to do 1 very specific thing with his hand and he said that
following my instructions felt like going to a factory and
pulling a lever. And what a great way to get your
job replaced by a robot. Good.
Thank you. Going to a going to a factory
and pulling a lever, That is the meanest thing that anybody has
ever said to me. And I went to public school with
this birthmark. But I was trying to empathize
with him. I was trying to be on his side.
OK. I think he felt emasculated,
right. I think he felt like I was
saying that he couldn't make me cum on his own.
And I can sympathize with that because he couldn't.
So I kind of get how he was feeling, you know?
But here's the thing, even if fine, even if it feels like
going to a factory and pulling a lever, does the lever make me
cum? Please pull the lever.
Please put on your safety goggles and get in there and
save American manufacturing. How are you not excited?
How are you not walking in a factory every day and like
leaning on the lever? I'm sorry, going a little bit
lighter on the lever. There are some men out here who
are so confident in how they touch a woman and then you get
them in there and they're treating it like it's the like
self checkout touch screen. They're like, these things never
work for me. Can I get an associate?
Not you. It's so much easier than that.
All it is is highlighting a word on your phone.
You select the word, you'll feel a haptic response.
That's a little tech word for the boys.
And then you just get the rest of the word.
Did you see that? That's it.
That's all it is. You forgot the first letter.
Go back and get that. OK Yep.
Maybe a little copy, a little paste, you know, And then you
just close all the apps. Work smarter, not harder.
Thank you so much everybody.